Tools to Father Children Through Their Stages

Amanda J. Rockinson

Importance of Fathers

3 tools of fathering children at all stages: – Relationship/

Affection– Instruction/Discipline– Time

The First Year : The Place of Attachment

What are some common characteristics of a child 0-1?

Total Dependence Leaning Trust Cries, eats, sleeps

The First Year: Tools for the Father

Talk to your baby. It is soothing to hear your voice.

Sing to your baby. Praise your baby and

give him/her lots of loving attention.

Spend time cuddling and holding your baby.

The First Year: Safety Tools

Never shake your newborn baby.

Prevent SIDS , put your baby to sleep on her back.

Car seat

The First Year: Affection and Instruction

STAGE Affection Instruction

Infancy (First Year) Total dependency. Give compassion and empathy liberally.Feed when needed.Soothe and comfort at the onset of distress.

For the most part, you do not have to provide instruction and structure. His being alone, uncomforted, hungry, separate, and totally dependent teaches an infant enough difficult truth for now.Gradually introduce the structure of feeding and nap times.

                                      

The Second Year: Exploration begins

What are some common characteristics of a child 1-2 year olds?

– More independent – Exploration/ Curiosity – “mine” – “no” – Imitative play

The Second Year: Physical Development

Walking alone Begins to run Climbs up and down from furniture

unassisted Stand on tiptoes Kicks the ball Stacking and sorting objects

– Builds block towers and knocks them over

– covering and uncovering container

– turning knobs Scribbles spontaneously Develops spatial concepts “in,” “on,”

“under”

Tools for Fathers:– Play matching games– Make clay shapes – Build with blocks and have

child knock them over when you say, “down”

The Second Year: Language Development

Masters about 50 single words: names of familiar people, favorite toys, body parts

Will omit constant and vowels Points to objects when named

for him Use phrase (18-24 mo.) Uses two to four word

sentences Repeats words heard in

conversation, does NOT mean child understands

Tools for Fathers:– Ask toddler to find objects for

you or name body parts and objects.

– Help to develop your toddler's language by talking with them.

– Give as much time as needed to finish what is trying to be said without hurrying, and then answer with the correct pronunciation of the word (“That’s right, it’s a ball!”)

– Read to your toddler daily.– Speak slowly and clearly– Follow simple commands

The Second Year: Cognitive Development

Understand hiding and separation.

Imitation becomes a large part of play (brushes hair, babbles into phone)

Toddler is director of play. Lacks judgment and the

ability to see how one thing affects another. Does NOT understand consequences.

Tools for Fathers: – Encourage your toddler's

curiosity and ability to recognize common objects by taking field trips together to the park or a bus ride.

– Be a good role model.– Have a special play time

(twenty minutes of child directed play)

– Praise when child does something special.

– Supply judgment that the toddler lacks.

The Second Year: Social Development

The toddler is self-centered, and is concerned with everything in relation to himself/ herself.

Little awareness of others feelings and their physical responses.

Excited about company of other children.

Greater self-awareness. Be able to brush teeth and wash hands if shown how.

Imitator and helper

Tools for Fathers:– Make sure that there are

enough toys for everyone when siblings are around.

– Reassure when possessive: “it’s okay for him to have a turn.”

– When physical aggression occurs, pull toddler from the situation. Say, “Don’t hit,” and redirect to friendly play.

– Turn chores into games the toddler can help do. Encourage helpful behavior.

The Second Year: Toys

Board books with large pictures, simple stories

Blocks Simple shape sorters Toys that encourage make-

believe (child lawn mower, kitchen set, tool sets)

Digging toys (plastic buckets, shovels, rakes)

Dolls Cars, trucks, trains Unbreakable containers all

shapes and sizes (Tupperware)

Bath toys (boats, squeak toys) Push and pull toys Child keyboard or other musical

instruments Toy telephone Unbreakable mirror Dress-up clothes Unbreakable items child finds

abound the house (pots and pans, wodden spoons, cardboard boxes)

The Second Year: Behavior and Discipline

Behavior : Limited understanding of “good” and “bad” and rules

Behavior: Acts on the impulse of the moment.

Behavior: Desire to please and be like parent.

Behavior: Misbehavior

Discipline: Clear simple instructions. Eliminate temptations.

Discipline: Firm, gentle guidance over and over.

Discipline: Give affection to outnumber discipline. Model affection and care. Praise and give attention for good behavior.

Discipline: Alert child with voice and facial expression; remove child from situation. Decide on next response.

The Second Year: Discipline Strategy

1-2-3- Magic or Timeout Timeout = briefly, No attention. No toys. No fun. 1. Say, ”Do not open door.” Toddler persists. 2. Repeat firmly, ”Do not open door.” He opens it. 3. Repeat instruction and pick child up with back toward you. 4. Put child in play pen empty of toys. Stay out of site of child/

leave the room. 5. Wait a minute or two til crying subsides, and return to him. 6. Reassure child of love. Key: Be calm and consistent. Respond immediately after child

breaks rule.

The Third Year: Exploration continues

What are some common characteristics of a child 2-3 year olds?

– Every other word seems to be “no”

– Constant tug of war between total dependence and assertion of independence

The Third Year: Physical Development

Climbs well Walks up and down steps,

alternating feet Kicks ball Runs easily Pedals tricycle High energy and activity to

strengthen body and develop coordination

Short attention span Bends over with out failing Makes vertical, horizontal, circular

strokes with crayons Turns pages one at a time Screws and unscrews jar lids Coordinate wrist and fingers: unwrap

candy, unzip coat

Tools for Fathers– Kids love piggy back rides– Teach to kick and give direction to

ball– Play games that involve running

and climbing– Take to the playground: slide, floor

level balance beam – Remember: The child’s self-

control and judgment lag his/her motor skills, thus you must remain vigilant and keep safety on your high priority list at all times.

– Blocks and interlocking construction sets (Lincoln Logs, Kinex, Tinker toys) will keep child’s attention for long time

– Color/ Finger paints are always fun.

– Play parade or follow the leader with your toddler.

The Third Year: Language Development

Follows 2-3 component commands

Recognizes and identifies almost all common objects and pictures

Understands most sentences Understands physical

relationships- “in” “on” “under” Uses 4-5 word sentences (“I

want my cup” “Where’s the ball dad” )

Uses pronouns (me,,you,,I)

Tools for Fathers– Read to your child, daily if

possible. Short, action oriented (touch, point, name) books are best.

– Teach your child simple songs like Itsy Bitsy Spider, or other cultural childhood rhymes.

– Encourage your child to tell you her name and age.

The Third Year: Cognitive Development

Makes mechanical toys work. Understanding of cause and effect.

Matches an object in hand or room to a picture in book

Plays make-believe with dolls, animals, and people

Shorts objects by shape and color/ understand relations between objects

Complete puzzles with 3-4 pieces Understand concept of two. Understands simple time concepts :

“You can play after you eat” Mentally perform trial and error instead

of physically manipulating object. Child thinks that everything in the world

occurs because of him/her. Difficult concepts: death, divorce, illness.

Tools for Fathers: – Speak in simple word (Father:

“we are going to fly to Florida.” Child: My arms are not strong enough.” )

– Be concrete with child. – Play sorting and matching

games.– Make believe play with your

child. – Help your child to explore her

surroundings by taking her on a walk or wagon ride.

The Third Year: Social and Emotion Development

By nature is selfish. Views world almost exclusively through own needs and desires.

Rarely realize that they are out of line, and able to control themselves.

Test limits- his and yours. Imitates adults and playmates Spontaneously shows affection Can take turn in games Understands “mine” and “his/her” Expresses a wide range of emotion By, three, separates easily from

parent Objects to major changes in routine

Tools for Fathers: – Useless to say, “How would

you feel if…?” (save such comments until your child is about 7)

– Consistently set reasonable limits.

– Praise good behavior. Simple, Clear, and Specific. This lead the child to feel good about themselves.

– Separation. Do not over react, reassure of return. Praise for being good.

– Let child play with others his/her age. Monitor activity for safety, but let children guide themselves.

The Third Year: Behavior and Discipline

Behavior: Resist going to sleep.

Behavior: Nightmares

Discipline: – Help child feel in control by

giving choices: what to wear, bedtime story.

– Leave night light on.– Let child sleep with

transitional object.– If cries, leave him ten

minutes before you go in an settle him down again.

Discipline: – Monitor T.V. watching– Pleasant story or soothing

music before bed

The Third Year: Behavior and Discipline

Behavior: Impulsive temper tantrums, pushing, shoving and quarrelling to get own way.

– Child can not yet control self.

– Purpose: Test limits.

Discipline:– Praise good – Positive approach “You

need to..” “You may not..” – Distract from unwanted

activity or behavior – Set limits. Clear rules and

immediate, app. consequences immediate and appropriate (i.e. 5 minute time out. Any longer, will forget why there.)

The Third Year: Discipline Strategy

Extinction: 1. Define what child is doing wrong. Be specific about the

behavior and the circumstance in which it occurs. 2. Keep track of how often the child does it, and your behavior. 3. Try something new: Ignore the child’s behavior. Be

consistent. 4. When child acts properly in situation where misbehavior

usually occurs, praise the child. 5. If you manage to extinguish the misbehavior for a while and

it reappears, start the process over. It probably won’t take long the second time.

The Third Year: Temper Tantrums

– Important: When a child oversteps a limit and is pulled back, he’ll likely react with a tantrum or rage- hitting, biting, kicking. This is normal and the child’s only way to deal with difficult realities of life. It is not uncommon for others to say that the child is an angel. Because they do not trust others, they are not likely to test limits. With you, your child will be willing to try things that may be dangerous or difficult, because he/ she knows that you will rescue if he/she gets in trouble.

The Third Year: Temper Tantrums

Prevent Tantrums:– Ask in friendly tine.– Don't over react to “no.” – Choose battles carefully– Offer limited choices when

possible.– Avoid trigger situations.– Reward good behavior with

praise and attention.– Keep a sense of humor. – Don’t use physical punishment.– Monitor T.V. watching.

Controlling Tantrums:– Distract: Let child express

emotion, but channel anger away from violent , aggressive behavior. Turn energy to activity that is more acceptable.

– If you can’t distract, Ignore. – In public, remove from situation

without discussion.– If harmful behaviors, put child

by themselves and follow with consequence when child is calm. Don’t reason, there is no point.

–

Affection and Instruction

Stage Affection Instruction

Toddlerhood (1-3)

Empathize

Coach and guide

Understand the fear.

Comfort and reestablish the connection after discipline with assurances of love.

Limits and boundaries

Discipline and correction.

“No”

Require more separateness

Teach social skills

The Fourth : Independence and Autonomy

What are some common characteristics? – Ages 3-4– “Magical worlds” (fantasy and vivid imagination) – Learns social skills/ feelings for others– More organized play – Learns to express feeling through words instead of actions – Wants to please and bargain– Starts school

The Fourth Year: Physical Development

Moves forward and backward with ease/ agility

Rides tricycle with ease Kicks ball forward Throws ball over head Catches bounced ball most of the

time Enjoys more structured physical

activity and plays longer periods of time

Gaining muscular control and concentration; can grab pencil like adult

Spatial awareness develops; positions toys with great care

Likes to discover what he/she can do tools (scissors, crayons, etc.)

Draws people, begins to copy capital letters

Tools for Fathers:– Play tag or catch – Arts and Crafts with close

supervision – Quiet activities:

Building blocks, jigsaw puzzles, stringing wooden beads, coloring with crayons, build sand castles, dressing and undressing dolls with large zippers and snaps,

– Understand constant activity is part of learning and fun, not intentionally annoying.

– Still needs adult supervision to prevent injury and accidents as self-control, judgment, and coordination are still developing.

                                                    

The Fourth Year: Language Development

300- 1,000 words Talks in 5-6 word sentences Begins to use words to express

self and think “What’s this?” Understands the concepts

“same” and “different” Masters basic grammar Tells stories

Tools for Fathers– Help child expand vocabulary.

(i.e child:,”big car”; Father: “Yes, that is a big gray car.”)

– Don’t try to correct pronoun usage, this will confuse the child.

– Foster your child's language by speaking to her in complete sentences and in "adult" language. Help her to use the correct words and phrases.

– Help children answer own questions through books.

– Go to the library and bookstore.

The Fourth Year: Cognitive Development

Questions everything. Will listen to short and to the point answers.

Correctly names some colors. Begins to have a clearer sense

of time (his routine, when mail comes, birthdays ad holidays)

Understand counting; knows a few numbers

Follows 3 part commands Approaches problem from

single point of view.

Tools for Fathering:– Give clear and simple

explanations. You need to …so you don’t get hurt.”)

– Take Why questions seriously. (Questions Children Ask: And How to Answer Them. By Miriam Stoppard )

– If you think child is lagging behind or gifted, have child tested. (Preschool Assessment in VA Bch. )

The Fourth Year: Social Development

Interested in new experiences Plays “Mom” or “dad” Cooperates/ Interacts with other

children; begins friendships Negotiates solutions to problems

(Sharing, trading, taking turns) Dresses and Undresses Fantasy play Develops gender role; May be

extreme (i.e. girl only wear dresses)

* Child will experiment with attitudes and behavior of both sexes and imitate behaviors such as flirting. If worried about a certain behavior, discuss with pediatrician.

o Imagines that many unfamiliar images may be monsters

o Often can not distinguish between real and fantasy

The Fourth Year: Social Development

Tools for Fathers: – Play games where child can

take turns.– Remind child of simple

solutions and use words to deal with conflicts

– Model peaceful conflicts (If you have a temper, he/she will mimic you)

– If physically aggressive, remove from situation. Determine child’s feeling and why. Make clear child expression was no-good. Have child apologize.

– Let your child help with simple chores.

– Encourage your child to play with other children

– Don’t joke; child may believe you and fear all day. (i.e. leave him if he doesn’t hurry)

– Reassure child when frightened by imaginary incident. Don’t belittle. It is part of normal emotional development.

– Join fantasy play, but keep your performance low- key. Let him run the play.

– Talking and listening shows that his/her opinion matters.

– Give simple choices (i.e. between 2-3 food or 2 shirts)

– Nurture independence by letting child know that you are the parent and in control but give him some freedom.

The Fifth Year: Initiative

What are some common characteristics of a child 4-5 year olds?

– Out-of- bound behavior– Response getters – More calm and confident – Little sense of property– Vivid imaginations

The Fifth Year: Physical Development

Coordination, balance, and ability to use hand almost fully

Hops, somersaults Swings, climbs Runs ahead of you to show

independence. Copies patterns Draws person with body Prints some letters Uses fork, spoon, and

sometimes knife Brushes teeth and gets dress

with little assistance

Tools for Fathers:– Remind child to hold your hand

when they cross the street.– Take them to the pool or

beach, but never leave their side. Swimming is not yet consistent.

– Arts and Crafts: tracing stars and diamonds, painting and finger painting, clay, cutting and pasting, Note: These activities promote skill, creativity, and self-esteem. Thus, Be careful not to direct in one direction.

– Build complex structures with blocks.

The Fifth Year: Language Development

1,000- 1,500 words Pronounce most sounds,

except for f,v,z,s and blends. Recalls stories Speaks in more complex

sentences, 5+ Uses future tense Says names and addresses Explores the power of words

(likely to use swear words) “I hate you!” = I am angry, and I

want you to help me sort out my feelings.

Constant chatter

Tools for Fathers:– Make conscious effort not to

use word, you don’t want child to use.

– Child will likely use swear words and other inappropriate words. They probably don’t know what they mean. Don’t over react and correct.

– When child says I hate you, remain calm, tell him he does not hate you, and reassure that it is alright to feel angry.

– Counteract insult with humor. – Teach address– Teach poems and songs

The Fifth Year: Cognitive Development

May comprehend: counting, alphabet, size relationship

Correctly names at least four colors

Knows about things used everyday in home

Understands that the day is divided in morning, afternoon, and evening.

Self-motivated learning and interests.

Asks lots of general, universal questions. (I.e.”Why is the sky blue?”)

Tools for Father: – Provide a wide range of

learning opportunities: zoo, children’s museums, etc.

– Find child’s interest and supply an experiential opportunity in that area.

– Read, read, read.– Answer questions, simply

and honestly. Rely on children's books to help you answer questions. The library is a great resource.

– Don’t force learning, give opportunity.

The Fifth Year: Social Development

Wants to please friends Wants to be like friends Realizes that there are other values and

opinions besides parents, may test this by demanding things never allowed before (I.e. t.v., clothes, etc.)

More likely to agree to rules Likes to sing, dance, and act Shows more independence, visits the

neighbor by self. Explores good and bad; extremely

simplified sense of morality. Obeys rules rigidly. Obeys to avoid punishment.

Tools for Fathers:– Take child to the park, playground, or

preschool activities to meet and interact with others.

– Encourage child in friendship (I.e. suggest e/she invite the friend over.) It’s important to “show off” house, family, and possessions to develop a sense of pride.

– Best way to deal with misbehavior: express disapproval, discuss what is really meant or felt, do not emotionally react (it encourages bad behavior) . If bad behavior persists, use timeout.

– Separate child from behavior. Make sure child understands that he has consequences for his deed, not because he is bad.

– Give simple responsibilities and praise child for doing them.

Effective Discipline for Preschoolers

Behavior Effective Constructive

Temper Tantrums Walk away Talk when calm

Overexcited Distract with other activity.

Talk when calm

Hitting/ Biting Remove from situation

Talk about consequences

Not Paying Attention

Establish eye contact and hold

Lower expectation

Refuse to Pick up Toys

Don’t let play until job done.

Show or help; Praise when done

Effective Tools for Establishing Relationship

Begin in Infancy and continue until Adulthood: – The Blessing– Special Play Time

The Blessing

5 components:– Meaningful Touch– Spoken Word– Communicate High Values– Picture a Special Future– Active Commitment

Special Play Time

Twenty – thirty minutes daily or weekly A time without interruptions and other people.It

should be a convenient time when parent is not distracted. Only you and the child.

Call it “special time” so child knows what it is. Let child choose and direct the activity. Time should be consistent and fixed. Use a timer. If child misbehaves, the child should be ignored or

given appropriate consequences while time is still going.

Ages Five and Six: Physical Development

Growth is slow, but steady. Enjoy testing muscle skill and strength: skip, run, dance. Catch small balls. Learn to tie shoelaces Can mange buttons and zippers Enjoy performing physical tricks. Copy designs and shapes. Print their name Skilled at using scissors and small tools (still need

supervision)

Ages Five and Six: Cognitive and Language Development

Ability to speak rapidly. During play, use new words

they learn. Can tell left from right Vivid imaginations. Stories

seem very real. Attention span is lengthening. Understand time and days of

the week. Like riddles and jokes View things black and white,

right and wrong (b/d)

Reading may become major interest

May reverse printed letters Ability to add and subtract Improved ability to

distinguish between real and fantasy

Fast mapping; 10,000 words – still don’t know all the meanings

Greater use of self-discipline in directing attention

Ages Five and Six: Social Development

Best friend and enemies; cooperation and aggression Playmates of the same sex Plays well in groups, and sometimes alone. Do not like criticism or failure or being ignored Think of themselves more than others Helpful with simple chores Like to take care of younger siblings Good = approval or parents ; bad = disapproval Begin to care about feelings and needs of others Develop a sense of humor, enjoy rhymes, songs, and riddles.

Ages Five and Six: Building a Relationship

Active play: jump rope, hop scotch, skip, etc. Dance and sing Play tug –of-war Play sorting games and non-competitive games (The ungame) Draw, paste, mold clay Teach basic sewing Encourage children to talk about their feelings while working of

a project together. Count things, identify letters and numbers at home or when

driving. Read a story out loud and have child dramatize.

School Age Toy List

Arts and Crafts Musical Instruments Sports equipment Camping equipment Construction sets

Electric Trains Bikes (use helmet) Models Board games Skate boards (use

helmet)

Ages Seven and Eight: Physical Development

Larger muscles in arms and legs are more developed than smaller muscles. Inproved jumping, throwing, kicking, and bouncing of the ball.

Difference among size and abilities of seven and eight year olds. This will affect how child gets along with others, how they feel about themselves, and what they participate in.

Even though they get tired, they do not want to rest. Permanent teeth.

Ages Seven and Eight: Cognitive and Language Development

Increased ability to remember, pay attention, and express idea

Things are black and white; right and wrong “That’s not fair;” often to not accept rules that they do

not help make. Learn to plan ahead and evaluate what they do. Concrete operational thinking Develop logic and reversible thinking Increased skills in hierarchical classification/ Like to

collect things.

Ages Seven and Eight: Social Development

Want to do things for themselves and by themselves, yet will ask assistants when needed.

Peers identification: have fun together, learn by watching and talking, ban together when problem arises, give support, understand how they feel about themselves

Beginning to see things from others point of view, still have trouble

Involvement in organized activities Academic, social, and physical self-esteem based on

failure and success.

Ages Seven and Eight: What They Need From Fathers

Guidance, Rules, and Limits Help problem solving Help to express their feelings in an

appropriate manner when worried or upset. Need more love, attention, and approval than

criticism Confrontation rather than criticism

Ages Seven and Eight: Building a Relationship

Child learns best by doing. Demonstrate instructions for activities or projects.

Projects, games, crafts, and activities that use large and small muscles together. Don’t expect perfection.

Encourage cooperation rather than competition. Play games that have both.

Collect shells at the beach. Encourage children to talk about feelings. Model how

to talk about feelings (I.e. “I” statement; reflective listening)

Ages Nine to Twelve: Physical Development

Girls usually a year or two ahead of boys Growth spurts Improved coordination, balance, and reaction

time Pubertal and hormonal changes Cursive writing Three dimensional drawings

Ages Nine to Twelve: Cognitive Development

Shows interest in reading fictional stories, magazines, and how-to-do project books

Develops special interest / hobby Fantasizes and daydreams about the future Enjoys planning and organizing tasks Product and goal oriented Great intentions, difficulty following through Greater meta cognitive awareness Uses memory strategies in learning Understands metaphors, double meanings, and humor Formal operational thinking Emergence of idealism and critical thinking

Ages Nine to Twelve: Social Development

Interest in social comparison of self with others Increased interest in competitive sports Shows interest in opposite sex by teasing and showing off Ability to adapt conversation to needs of others May be verbally cruel to peers; “put downs” Belonging is important; likes being a member of clubs Prefers spending time with peer rather than parents Increased moodiness and parent-child conflict Begins to see that parents and authority figures make mistakes Morality based on external qualities; sees things as right and

wrong, with no room for difference of opinion Emergence of faith and spirituality

Ages Nine to Twelve: Hobbies

Arts and crafts/ carpentry Musical Instruments Sports Bikes Models Board games such as monopoly and chess Skates/ Skate boards

Ages Nine to Twelve: Building a Relationship

Provide opportunities for child to help out with real skills. Cook dinner together or change to oil in the car.

Play games of strategy: checkers, chess, monopoly. Have parties at your home. Encourage child to call friends from school and participate in

organized groups. Provide time and space for child to be alone- read, daydream,

journal, or do home work uninterrupted. Give child some responsibility, but do not burden them with too

many adult responsibilities. Note: Be prepared to use all your “patience” skills as your child may

tend to think that he or she does not need adult care or supervision.

School Aged Children: Discipline or Punishment

Punishment = automatic reaction that has limited usefulness in changing child’s behavior

Discipline = “to teach” child self-discipline

School Aged Children: Discipline

Limits Choices Consequences Behavioral Charts/ Contracting

School Aged Children: Building a Relationship

Praise– Simple– Sincere– Specific

Boost Self-Esteem Effective Communication

– I statement– Reflective listening

Family meetings

Helping Your School Aged Son or Daughter Succeed

Pg. 177

Adolescents : General Character tics

1. Testing limits “Know it all.”

2. Vulnerable, emotionally insecure, fear of rejection, mood swings.

3. Identification with admired adult.

4. Bodies are going through physical changes that affect personal appearance.

5. Forming identity: Who Am I?

Adolescents: Physical Development

1. Small muscle coordination is good, and interest in arts, crafts, models, and music are popular.

2. Bone growth is not yet complete.

3. Early maturers may be upset with their size.

4. Are very concerned about their appearance.

5. Diet and sleep habits can be bad, which may result in low energy levels.

6. Girls may begin menstruation.

Adolescents: Cognitive Development

1. Tend to be perfectionists.

2. Want more independence, but need guidance and support.

3. Attention span can be lengthy.

Adolescents: Social Development

1. Being accepted by friends becomes quite important.

2. Cliques start to develop outside of school.

3. Team games become popular. 4. Crushes on members of the

opposite sex are common. 5. Friends set the general rule of

behavior. 6. Feel a real need to conform. 

They dress and behave in order to belong.

7. Are very concerned about what others say and think of them.

1. Have a tendency to manipulate.

2. Interested in earning own money.

3. Are very sensitive to praise and recognition.  Feelings are hurt easily.

4. Caught between being a child and being an adult.

5. Loud behavior hides their lack of self confidence.

6. Look at the world more objectively, adults subjectively, critical.

Adolescents: 10 Things Teens Want in their Parents (Understanding Today’s Youth Culture, Walt Mueller)

Don’t argue in front of them Treat each family member the same Honesty Tolerant of others Welcome their friends in their home Build a team spirit among their children Answer their questions Give punishment when needed, but not in front of others,

especially friends Concentrate on strengths instead of weaknesses Consistency

Seven Things Teens Cry For (Gallup”Cries of Teen” Survey)

Trust (92.7%) Love (92.2 %) Security (92.1%) Purpose (91.6 %) To be Heard/ Listened To (91.5%) To be Valued / Appreciated (88.25) Support (87.4 %)

Answering the Cry of Teens

Trust: Teens think: I spend time with those I trust. – Activities: Pick place on map (w/in 20 miles) and explore; Go

to Music store and listen to CDS. Watch a popular Teen flick; try a new hobby or sport together; Go to a nice restaurant.

Love: Write an e-mail offering love and praise, hug, schedule one-on one time, make an effort in their activities (Picking them up at school, taking them shopping), Identify their love langue

Security: S.T.A.B.I.L.I.T.Y. (Share, Time, Assure, Balance, Inform, Listen, Initiate, Touch, You) ; be there emotionally and physically

Answering the Cry of Teens

Purpose: Share spirituality, mentor, do community service together

Heard: Schedule connect-time at hang-out; listen To Be Valued: verbally express worth; Pay Attention;

Rites of Passage; The Blessing Support:Connection (be there); Direction (Advise

when asked); Motivation (motivate to do); Lett go (Give Freedoms)

Adolescents: Activities They Enjoy

Eat breakfast at McDonalds Skating Attend a Hockey game Play basketball Visit a museum Take art lessons Go hiking Play a board or card game Play video games Ride bikes

Shop for cars Design a web site Go shopping Go bowling Try a new hobby together Rent a movie Eat at a restaurant Go to the music store and listen

to CDs Get out your year book and talk

with your teen about being a teen.

Host a get together for friends

Adolescents: Simple Ways to Say “You are Special”

More than anything eles, an adolescents needs their parent’s affirmation. “I delight in you!”

Pay attention! Show Up! Be available when you are home! Really Listen and help teens talk

– Eye contact– Ask questions that elicit conversation– Share own experiences– Reassure teen that they can talk with you– Listen for signals

Share your values by example

5 Ways to Frustrate Your Adolescent

Judge by appearance or by what media presents

Sarcasm and put-downs Expecting teen to act like an adult because

they look like an adult. Minimizing Feelings Assuming that what worked before ( as

children)n will work now.

Adolescents:Making Discipline Work

“Parents continue to treat their adolescents like they’re still children, which often doesn’t work. Then the parents wonder, ‘What happened?’” – Dr. Hofmann, a pediatrician

The basic aspects of nurturing and raising teens are the same as when they are little. Teens need love and support, but also discipline and limits.

Adolescents, so intent on asserting their independence, tend to see themselves tyrannized by rules. Parents need to remember two things:

– Consistency is the key to discipline– Not all rules are equally as important, and parents may need to

bend

Adolescents: Making Discipline Work

Establish boundaries/limits that communicate respect:– Spell out desire; be specific– Then specify positive consequence for compliance– And negative consequence for noncompliance– Rights and responsibilities are subject to change. Good judgment

= increased freedom and responsibility. – Be reasonable and achievable

Consequences – Actively ignoring – Disapproval – Imposing additional responsibility– Imposing additional restriction

Adolescents: General Rules of Administering Discipline

Never punish when you are angry. Never impose a penalty you are not prepared

to carry out. Short-term consequences work best (hours

or days depending on severity of crime) Don’t use guilt. Help adolescent learn from their mistake. Impose consistent discipline

Adolescents: Restoring Peace in Conflict and Anger

Time-out for dad- gain composure; don’t loose temper Use “I” statement to reflects your feelings If you make an accusation, be specific (I.e.David, you

forgot..” Not:”You never..) Explain why the behavior makes you upset or angry. Don’t bring up past events. Don't belittle feelings. Ask teens solution to the problem (Remember: Your

goal is not to win, but to resolve conflict) You’re wrong? Admit it.

Adolescents: No Hitting Below the Belt

Don’t overgeneralize, using “always” “never” Don’t give the silent treatment Don’t resort to name-calling and put-downs Don’t presume that you know what the other person

is feeling Don’t assume the other person should know what

you are thinking or feeling Don’t play the tit for tat game, respond to a complaint

with a complaint

Great Web Sites

http://www.keepkidshealthy.com http://www.aacap.org http://nncc.org http://kidshealth.org http://www.tnpc.com/parentalk/adoles.html http://www.family.org/ http://www.familyresource.com http://toddlerstoday.com http://www.fathersdirect.com/ www.fathersnetwork.org www.fathers.com/

Great Books

How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What To Do If You Can’t by Bernstein

Surviving your Adolescents by Phelan The Seven Cries of Today’s Teen by Smith Positive Discipline for Single Parents by Nelsen, Erwin,

and Delzer Positive Discipline A to Z by Nelsen, Lott, and Glenn The Power of positive Talk: Words to help Every Child

Succeed by Bloch Boundaries with children by Townsend and Cloud The Blessing by Smalley and Trent

References

National Network for Child Care-NNCC. Nuttall, P. (1999). Family day care fact Sheet series. Amherst, MA: University of Massachusetts.

Schor, E. (1999)The complete and authoritative guide to caring for your school-age child. New York, New York: Bantam Book.

Schor, E. (1999)The complete and authoritative guide to caring for your baby and young child. New York, New York: Bantam Book.

Schor, E. (1999)The complete and authoritative guide to caring for your adolescent. New York, New York: Bantam Book.