William Everett

Time Out magazineLondon

TV reviews:

When Heather Met the McCartneys “He loves her yeah, yeah, yeah,” sang one red top. Rarely is there yummier tabloid fodder than the nuptial scandal of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, and this documentary does little but string together the beads of tittle-tattle spawned by the two. We follow the flight of Mills’ attention-seeking missile, from her grim childhood—perhaps milked in her memoirs—to a short-lived modelling stint, and finally the celebrity apotheosis of marrying a Beatle. Even the accident in which she lost one leg was a self-professed blessing in disguise for Mills, thanks to the media clamour it afforded her. The modelling part is seized as a cheap source of smut, with a shameless display of topless snaps scattered about. Commentary is provided by those nauseating species: journalists, publicists and media analysts, who, in the absence of Macca and Mills themselves, only add to the tone of parasitic trivia.

The Unteachables ‘You can’t teach to save your f*cking life!’ Exit Grace, one of twelve rabid delinquents sentenced to two weeks at a residential ‘study camp’ as an educational experiment. Though she couldn’t give a flying one about her English lessons, Grace is a remarkably eloquent brat when she gets going, and her departing speech to the cool-headed headmaster makes for great TV. Once Grace is expelled, it doesn’t look good for the success of the scheme. Punishments are scoffed at, abuse is hurled, and what was hoped to be ‘Dead Poets Society’ looks more like ‘Lord of the Flies’. However, some maverick teaching methods and plenty of fresh air and exercise seem to offer hope. Particularly touching are the friendships forged between participants, and the elation on faces as the kids read an encouraging school report for the first time in their lives.

Battle For Britain’s Soul II: The Church in Danger Can the Anglican Church fend off retail fever, debauchery and dissenters, and come through the eighteenth century unscathed? In charting the trials and tribulations of Protestantism, Rev. Peter Owen Jones never lets his documentary become didactic or sanctimonious. Not a dog collar in sight, he opts instead for a bushman’s hat atop a hobbit-cut. Rather than lurking among dreaming spires, Jones’ rambles take us on a stunning route from Cornwall to the Scottish Highlands, and he doesn’t shy from the rabble in Britain’s godless high streets. With quirky charisma, he brings us the characters of history rather than dates or weighty theology. The tales of Daniel Defoe and preacher John Wesely are told alongside spook-stories of rural witch-hunts and folklore. Snippets of erudition are balanced nicely with reconstructions of a witch trial and Defoe’s pillory. The spiritual mess of the metropolis back then may strike a chord with Londoners now—well, better than Speakers’ Corner cranks anyway.

Real Families: My Mums Used To Be Men Having been branded by the hacks as ‘Britain’s weirdest family’, 12-year-old Louise and her two transsexual lesbian mothers here set the record straight. Louise requested that she spoke her own words, and the result is a candid and endearing account of a very ordinary family life. She is mature and articulate about her loneliness, an isolation caused not by any confusion over her parents’ identity, but rather by persistent bullying from her peers. Intended to show the bullies that the Jarvis trio are not the freaks of local—and now national—myth, much of this is a humdrum diary of bed-making, Tesco-trawling and sausage-grilling. Sarah and Kate (formerly Brian and Lee), come across as doting parents, and though Kate is conspicuously masculine, when they discuss make-up and leg-shaving, we might as well be seeing them brush their teeth for all its mundanity. Most touching is when Louise meets a transsexual woman ostracized by her entire family, who has enormous admiration for Louise’s resilience. And admirable it is.

Beyond Boundaries This will either bring out the Ranulph in you or make you reach for the duvet. Eleven physically disabled trekkers have 28 days to cross the treacherous terrain of Nicaragua, in an unprecedented test of endurance. Two of the group are wheelchair-bound, one has spinal bifida, one is deaf, one blind, and the rest are amputees. They must negotiate dense jungle, hills and mudslides, and all the mozzies, crocs and creepie-crawlies therein. While the strength of resolve in most is inspirational, Charlie’s hissy fits are causing rifts. Looks to be a compelling series.

Afterlife: Episode 3 The supernatural and mad people are always rich pickings for some chilly intrigue, and here we have all the right ingredients for a ripping ghost yarn. Alison (Lesley Sharp) has the now-famous ‘I see dead people’ gift, and uses it to help Daniel (Nicholas Shaw), a teenager tormented by an invisible companion. While Daniel’s cleric father clings to Agent Scully-esque scepticism, his mother is more open to the idea of ‘restless spirits’, and becomes a key ghostbuster as the skeletons come tumbling from her closet. Meanwhile, Andrew Lincoln tries to hold it all together as the even-keeled psychologist. Like any self-respecting therapist/psychopath drama, there’s the latent empathy factor which blurs the gulf between the ill and the well. Not quite Clarice/Dr. Lector, but certainly an engaging relationship builds between Alice and Lincoln’s Robert. The horror element is understated and effective, but the most traumatic parts are the helpless laments of Daniel’s mother. Nicholas Shaw fills a role, but has little room to expand a character confined to seizure/sedative routines. The conclusion: drugs don’t make the spirits go away, which is still an unsettling premise however tried and tested.

Medium ‘What we don’t know can’t hurt us.’ Unfortunately for Allison (Patricia Arquette), she knows a little more than she might like, particularly when it comes to beyond-the-grave gossip. When a murdered cop appears to her in a dream, she becomes embroiled in the trial and faces an ethical dilemma over whether to lie in court or confess her unearthly powers. In the meantime, she suspects her ‘working late’ husband of philandering, and struggles with the premonition of a doomed marriage. But all is never as it seems. This ‘Ally McBeal’-meets-‘Bewitched’ soap opera gives the domestic strife of husband and wife a banal slice-of-life quality, while Allison’s

lukewarm inner turmoil offers the personal touch of what it’s really like for a regular gal with psychic leanings. Probably the most entertaining part is Allison’s sotto voce retort to cross-examination, in which she mentions some of the lawyer’s sordid misdemeanours. You go girl.

All About George This week’s amble through the pedestrian lives of the Kinsey family won’t have you on the edge of your seat. Mrs. Kinsey runs for the local council. Adolescent Kinsey discovers marijuana. Student Kinsey might still fancy her ex-boyfriend. The last person you would expect to be placed at the centre of this trite dullery is the king of absurdity himself, Rik Mayall. But there he is, clean-cut and heavily sedated, only glimmering here and there with the embers of his former glory. Watchable but unremarkable stuff.

Film reviews

Incautos (Swindled)Dir. Miguel Bardem, Spain, 2004Incautos makes you feel like the victim of an elaborate card trick in which you’ve forgotten the card you were told to remember. Smooth-talking Ernesto has a gift for conning, and after coaching from ‘Fingers’, the Mr Miyagi of fraud, he is ready to shaft a ‘rare bird’, con-man-speak for the ultimate dupe. Centred on one major business scam, the action ebbs and flows with all the heist-movie staples of double-crossing, back-stabbing and briefcase-swapping ad nauseam. Strong ensemble acting carries copious den-of-thieves scheming, and Ernesto’s aplomb is the film’s linchpin. Keep your eye on the ace.

Sweet DreamsDir. Saso Podgorsek, Slovenia, 2001In 1973 Yugoslavia, a prima donna mother and batty, god-fearing granny hold 13-year-old Egon in the grip of poverty and nerdhood. Only when he befriends the school rebel and his hippy neighbour can Egon begin an ugly duckling evolution. This beautifully crafted rite of passage tale explores the shaping of young minds with poignant sensitivity, while issues of tradition and fashion tussle. Janko Mandic’s Egon is the perfect underdog, neither too angelic nor too pathetic, and touching moments are dealt in equal quantity to the absurdly funny. Never sentimental. Completely compelling.

Bread and Milk (Kruh in Mleko)Dir. Jan Cvitkovic, 2001, SloveniaDon’t expect any respite from the gloom oozing from this tragic slice of vice. Ivan is released from re-hab bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, but his inner demon soon rears its ugly head and drags him straight back down the alcoholic vortex. Joining him in the descent is Ivan’s teenage son, a surly goth cursed with the same self-destructive streak, and any father-son bond is swiftly reduced to a fraternity of folly. An addictive nature is inescapable it seems, leaving little room for hope in Cvitkovic’s bleak, black and white landscape.

Cheese and Jam (Kajmak in marmelada)

Dir. Branko Djuric, Slovenia, 2003When Slovenian Spela walks out on him, Bosnian ne’er-do-well Bozo resolves to get a job and prove himself. However, he is easily led astray by his wide-boy friend, and a series of comical misadventures follows. As Bozo begins to fulfill the stereotype pinned on him by racist Slovenians, he and Spela become the star cross’d lovers whose love must bridge a big social gulf. Despite the interesting political backdrop and a bit of gun-wielding rough-and-tumble, Cheese and Jam keeps a sanitized Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan tone. Perfectly enjoyable if that’s what you’re after.

Say Yes (Kim Seong-Hong, 2001, South Korea)A sinister stranger stalks a young couple on a romantic mini-break. He keeps chasing. They keep running. It ends with a lot of blood. Any sense of intrigue is soon lost as you realize just how arbitrary it all is. Basically, the guy’s just a psycho. South Korean director Kim Seong-hong has made the most out of a juvenile cat-and-mouse plot and banal script, but sadly no number of car chases, fist-fights, knife-fights and, yes, decapitations, can distract from a dismal lack of substance.

No Blood No Tears (Ryoo Seung-Wan, 2002, South Korea)In this girls-getting-their-own-back gangster farce, a taxi-driving femme fatale with some kung-fu tricks up her sleeve teams up with a battered moll to settle scores in Seoul’s seedy underbelly. Even with a tenuous ‘Thelma and Louise’-esque feminist peg, this somehow never strays from macho-misogynist cliché. The cheap plot, script and cast of caricatures tend toward martial art movie pastiche, but only betray it as something pretty facile.

Around Town reviews & previews

Preview “Wondrously Wacky Gadgets” Kew Bridge Steam Museum.

Do your ears hang low? Or at least stick out a little? Then you might find this nifty little ear pinner-backer a true saviour. It’s just one of many weird and wonderful contraptions that go on display at Kew Bridge Steam Museum from Jan 7, in celebration of inventions that never quite took off.

Collector Maurice Collins has spent the past 30 years plucking gadgets from an era of significant technological advance—1851 to 1951—avoiding the front-runners in favour of the nerdy wheezers that let the side down quite considerably. There are 150 exhibits, most of them once intended for the home, generally as labour-saving devices, but all invariably hopeless.

Highlights include a mechanical page-turner (which reminds me of the electric tie rack that can still be found in Innovations catalogue), an 1844 portable toilet, a self-pouring teapot, a tennis ball cleaner and something billed as a ‘one pass butter

spreader’. There’s also an interactive display that invites you to guess the function of the gadget, before the answer is revealed.

The exhibition will probably appeal to fans of ‘Antiques Roadshow’ and ‘Wallace and Gromit’, and comes at a fitting time of year, as homes throughout the Christian world are freshly filled with unwanted Christmas presents.

Review“Unleashing Britain” Theatre Museum.***

Strut your stuff with the bowler hat and cane Laurence Olivier wore in ‘The Entertainer’. Don a Broadway showgirl’s frock and have a tinkle on the piano. These are a couple of the novelties on offer at the Theatre Museum’s new exhibition, ‘Unleashing Britain: Ten Years that Shaped the Nation 1955-1964’.

The end of the Second World War and the collapse of the British Empire called for a re-appraisal of the performing arts in Britain. To raise flagging spirits after the war, British theatre was injected with new life, with playwrights like Christopher Fry bringing audiences the ‘lovely, sugary and colourful’. At the other end of the scale was the Angry Young Man movement, an embittered voice championed in John Osborne’s 1956 play ‘Look Back in Anger’. Suddenly, working class characters were brought to the stage, and actors who’d been through Oxbridge began faking humble roots just to get parts. Then there was Samuel Beckett, whose ‘Waiting for Godot’ gave the establishment the middle finger and left dusty theatre buffs wondering if this new wave was genius or drivel. 

The birth of the Royal Court, the Royal Shakespeare Company and the National Theatre at the Old Vic hogged the limelight in this period, paving the way for new drama, as well as reviving the Bard. Meanwhile, the West End dinosaur lumbered along in the background, adding Broadway musicals like ‘Oklahoma’, ‘The Boyfriend’ and ‘West Side Story’ to its regular cargo of whodunits and farce.

If you like your theatre history, the exhibition will keep you occupied, but you can't avoid the fatal flaw of the museum itself—the essence of theatre is live and this is a mausoleum.    

PreviewFREE Cabaret Mechanics Oxo Gallery.

More than 50 works of original automata, with Tim Hunkin’s pieces representing the larger end of the scale. One of his exhibits, a mechanical general endlessly throwing away nuclear missiles, takes a light-hearted look at global warfare. Confirmed cat-

hater Paul Spooner gives us ‘Poisoned Milk’, using an elaborate system of cams and ratchets to make an unsuspecting moggie lap up poisoned milk, then collapse.

Keith Newstead has crafted some winged machines to rival those of Heath Robinson, one of which involves a farmer flying a plane while carrying his pig in a trash can. During the exhibition there’s a program of workshops and playshops, suitable for ages eight to adult, at which you can make your own automata. The workshop ‘Make your own Christmas Angel’ allows you to, well, make your own Christmas angel, which you get to keep and impress your friends with. ‘Making Automata from Bits and Pieces’ looks to tap into the ‘Blue Peter’ instinct in us all, while a ‘Food Automata’ workshop lets you play with your food in a constructive way.

At the free playshop session Dec 23 adults and children can practise making automata together. The results can’t be taken away but if you leave an email address you’ll be notified where they can be seen online. Booking essential for workshops and playshop.

Food & Drink listings

Lot Valley Festival For four days from September 22-25, the rural sprit of southern France condenses itself into the cobbled streets of Covent Garden for the Lot Valley Festival. Cartloads of farmers, winegrowers and cheesemakers are trundling over from the Lot Valley to turn Covent Garden Piazza into a French farmers’ market, wine festival and tourism fair combined in one big fete. It promises to ooze Gallic piquancy, with a range of cheeses, pates and charcuterie on offer, as well as traditional music, crafts and, naturally, beaucoup de vin. Representatives from the five departements of the Lot Valley will be there to extol the virtues of the region to potential tourists, and there are five prize-draw holidays up for grabs. Très agréable!

Carluccio’s Mushroom Markets During the last two weekends in September, Carluccio’s in Putney and St. Albans will each be hosting a ‘mercato dei Funghi’, a celebration of the traditional Italian autumnal market. Mushroom is the theme, and both caffes will be running stalls of seasonal, fresh and dried, wild and cultivated mushrooms, as well as mushroom delicacies and the cherished truffle. Hot street food and mulled wine will also be served. Fungal expert Antonio Carluccio—known as ‘the mushroom man—is to work his mushroom magic in cooking demonstrations at 2.30pm on each of the market days.

London Vegan Festival For one day only, Kensington becomes a veggie Mecca, as the town hall plays host to the eighth annual London Vegan Festival on September 25. Following the success of previous years, this looks set to attract over a thousand folk of animal-free dietary/fashion persuasion. Singer/songwriter Tracy Curtis and folk duo ‘Lost & Found’ will be providing the soundtrack to a cornucopia of vegan food and clothing, juice bars, animal welfare stalls and ‘cruelty free’ cosmetics. Highlights include a talk

on nutrition called ‘Are you getting enough?’ by Tony Bishop-Weston, co-author of the cookery book ‘Vegan’.

The festival was pioneered in 1998 by Robin Lane and Alison Coe, of the campaign group CALF (Campaign Against Leather and Fur), and its offshoots include regional vegan festivals in Manchester, Birmingham and Bristol. The 2005 London Vegan Festival is dedicated to the memory of Arthur Ling, former managing director of Plamil Foods, who died in January.

But you don’t have to be a vegan to get in. Alice Coe said, ‘This is a great opportunity for vegans, vegetarians and non-vegetarians wanting to know more about reducing their use of animal products to come along and enjoy a great day and try some delicious food’. Hemp and hummus ahoy!

Fungi Festival at The Gate ‘Tis the season to be fungi, and The Gate vegetarian restaurant is to hold its eighth annual mushroom festival on the evenings of October 11, 12 and 13. A six-course ‘fungi feast’ menu will be on offer for £35 per head, which will consist of the following: frothed cep and goat’s cheese soup served with mushroom bread; sashimi of shemiji, enoki and hedgehog mushrooms with a pink ginger wasabi and miso sauce; Indian-style grifola and shiitake kibis; baby artichokes stuffed with a girolle duxelle, deep-fried in a sage batter, with a roasted garlic aioli; a mushroom and ale hot-pot and, to finish, a brandy, cep and honey semi-freddo with blackberry compote. The owners will display the fruits of their woodland foraging: an array of wild mushrooms, both edible and inedible, as well as photos from their hunts.