Thursday, March 31 - Spoof

SPOOF

SINCE 1906

westerngazette.caTHURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016 • WESTERN UNIVERSITY’S STUDENT NEWSPAPER • VOLUME 109 ISSUE 50

misbehaving since 1906

Hyperloop will solve campus transit issues

April 1

The end of campus traffic woes as students can get to campus in literally less than a second. SEE THE STORY PAGE 4.

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2 • THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016 www.westerngazette.ca •

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Western students confirmed to carry douchebag gene

ALBEE FUCTIFINO DOUCHEBAG

It’s 3 a.m. and the sound of heavy rain patters loudly on the windows of Western professor Illyov Rachmaninov’s lab. He crouches over a bench and looks through a microscope. In the narrow field of view are a pair of two chromosomes.

“My god,” says Rachmaninov as he nearly falls off his chair. “It’s true. It’s all true.”

Four years ago, Rachmaninov wrote a study titled The Genus Douchebaggatus. It was a radical theoretical paper that out-lined a deletion of chromosome number 13, resulting in what is now known as the douchebag mutation.

Scientists from all across Canada and even abroad scoffed at Rachmaninov’s rea-soning, accusing him of being too pseu-doscientific and legitimately ridiculous. But Rachmaninov remained focused and con-tinued his research.

“Ever since the ’90s, I’ve noticed a grow-ing trend of douchebaggary in our student body,” says Rachmaninov. “There have been more students attending raves, fishing with the ‘boys’ and sporting muscle shirts with

pastel-coloured shorts, boat shoes and tat-toos of Chinese characters. Also, the frat cul-ture in general is so… well, douchey! It’s just getting out of hand.”

From Rachmaninov’s discovery of the douchebag gene, a completely new area of scientific research has sprung forth. Scientists are now speculating that the condition known colloquially as “being a raging douche” might be a symptom of the environment.

Chase Blakeston has been the student most cited when defending this theory. Before studying at Western, Blakeston enjoyed read-ing about science and playing basketball.

“Yeah, like, before I came to Western I was hundo P a beta,” says Blakeston. “It wasn’t until I got this gig as a club manager that I realized my true potential. You wouldn’t believe the poon I’ve been raking in, I feel like John Mayer or something.”

The strong and prevalent douchebaggery at Western has become such a problem that even professors seem to fall victim to it.

“I don’t see the big deal,” says psychol-ogy professor Clark Ahsshole. “Listen, if you can’t memorize 454 terms for an exam, why are you even in university? Students love to

complain about having four other courses to worry about but, like, seriously, just get your shit together. This is university, not high school.

“Honestly, I sleep beautifully at night knowing that I arbitrarily give students bad grades based on the subjective quality of their writing and their ability to brown-nose and pander,” continues Ahsshole. “You think I care? I’m trying to make that Chakma money, son.”

As of yet, there is no cure for being a raging douche. Symptoms include using words and phrases like “the boys,” “gucci” and also brag-ging about getting a “dope summer job at a law firm that my mom hooked me up with.”

In ways that scientists currently do not understand, the gene is actually contagious and seems to be spreading at a rapid rate. Just last month, there have been reports of mass droves of students vaping on Concrete Beach.

Western hopes to spearhead a serious campaign in combating the douchebaggery at Western. But as Rachmaninov says in his study, “You can’t stop douchebaggery. You can only join it.” n

White Student Union officially ratified by USCWILLIE B. HARDIGAN NOT A WHITE GUY

After an educated debate at the USC clubs’governance committee, the White Student Union was officially ratified as a club for the 2016-17 school year.

A two-hour long meeting on Monday led to a motion to approve the club and passed unanimously. A number of white students were in the room and cheered loudly as the committee passed the motion. #WhiteStudentsMatter started trending countrywide on Twitter as people tuned in

to the news coming out of Western.“It’s a victory for white students all

across North ’Murica,” screamed Richard Alasdair Joseph, a white rights activist based in London who’s widely adcnowledged as having the whitest name.

The WSU has historically been an oppressed group on campus and has held many protests to shine light to their cause.

Hugh Gass, a career protester, lauded WSU’s efforts in being recognized on cam-pus and spoke fondly of his experiences protesting alongside the group during

Orientation Week. “They are a great bunch of people,” he

said. “I mean, all the power to them.”Ivanka Dipshit, a USC spokesperson, said

the USC is open to club applications from all sorts of groups and all students should consider applying.

“As I said before, if you want to start a white students’ club on our campus — com-pletely cool,” Dipshit said. “The only way it would maybe be shot down in any capacity is if you’re breaking a couple of rules.” n

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• www.westerngazette.ca THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016 • 3

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New sky high offices for USC executives to match their egosMIKE HUNT ELEVATOR TECHNICIAN

Western USC executives will be on a whole new level for the 2016–17 school year.

After the long-anticipated reno-vations to University College, the executives will be moving into an expanded office suite on the top floor, better known as UC Tower.

“We feel like the move is the right next step for us,” USC president Phoebe Plebiscite said. “We want to expand and take a bird’s-eye view of the University as a whole to see the big picture. And to do that, it makes sense that we have the best space available.”

The tower will be inaccessible to anyone who is unable to produce the Western “W” symbol with their fingers and sing the first three lines of the Western Fight Song. No more than those three lines is required, as anything more constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.

Along with the renovations is an increased communications budget, which would allow for the portfolio to purchase closed-circuit cameras that will be set to watch the majority of campus grounds.

“This is great progress for the USC,” said USC communications officer Harry Hashtag. “It allows us to really take a close look at what the students we’re representing are up

to on a daily, ongoing basis.”Hashtag adds this will eliminate

the need for other outreach initia-tives, although he had a difficult time telling the incoming com-munications officer that they’d have to scrap their plans for an updated yet identical promotional Diamond Card set to roll out in 2017 that con-troversially will not be issued to councillors.

The funding for the closed-circuit cameras comes directly from stu-dent funds, as outlined in the USC budget that passed unanimously at the council’s annual general meet-ing held on March 9.

“It was right there in the budget!” USC secretary-treasurer Brian Bylaw exclaimed, wildly gesturing during the interview. “The council was so distracted by the Gazette’s budget, it completely ignored ours, which allowed for this kind of tomfoolery to happen.”

When questioned on the motiv-ation for the additional budget, Plebiscite gestured to her first-edi-tion copy of George Orwell’s 1984 on her coffee table, proudly displayed on top of her collection of Nancy Drew novels.

“I just think there’s a lot to be said for keeping the people holding the people accountable accountable,” she said with a knowing smile. n

Noble pay for noble workUSC councillors to get honoraria, 3-course mealORPHELIA NUTZ WAITING ON GREEN CARD

At Wednesday night’s University Students’ Council meeting, a motion was passed to pay all coun-cillor positions.

Councillors and proxies alike banged the tables with joy as the motion passed unanimously with no abstentions.

The motion also calls for a three-course meal at each council meeting, with a request to not have it catered by the Wave.

Ashley Merman, USC council-lor and mover of the motion, didn’t see the point in getting the stu-dent body’s opinion on this issue through a referendum.

“As councillors, we cater to the needs of each and every student at Western,” she said. “This motion is like a vaccination, it’s for their own fucking good. Democracy isn’t cheap or free.”

Councillors are individuals that

are elected by a throng of clueless people to represent them in the USC. They are given the grave task of debating sensitive student politics on an upstanding platform and to actively bring about lasting change to student life.

“Each councillor undergoes a rigorous training period led by President Chakma to ensure they can withstand hours upon hours of mind-numbing, pointless back-and-forth ‘debate,’ ” said Sophie Helpard, USC Queen Bee.

President Chakma showed great support for this motion at the council meeting as he encouraged fair monetary compensation for all in his speech.

“I have a dream,” President Chakma’s voice echoed dramat-ically throughout the community room, “that one day everyone will get paid as much as me.”

He firmly believes that proper compensation for the noble job of

councillor is the first step to mak-ing Western great again.

According to Merman, details such as the exact pay rate and the menu of the three-course meal have not been solidified yet.

“We’re lobbying for some-t hing higher t han what those Gazette people and the AVPs earn because each of us represents hundreds of students, so our pay should reflect that,” she said.

Jonathan English, keeper of USC Gringotts, doesn’t know how the USC will scrounge up the money for them. He is reluctant to diminish some of the executives’ international travel budget.

“I’ll have to play with the num-bers in the budget — again,” he sighed. “Queen Bee told me she and the girls want a week in Vegas, so we’ll have to probably cut the bus pass to make up the additional councillor expense.” n

Students given right to bear arms in fight against geeseJUSTINE YERMOURM GUN TOTER

Since the dawn of time Western students have been victimized and attacked by the great oppressor: geese.

At last, beginning in the 2016-17 academic year, Western University will be adopting the United States’ constitution’s second amendment – the right to bear arms.

Each student will be permitted to carry one handgun or shotgun while on campus to defend themselves.

Though geese have been an issue on campus for a long time, it wasn’t until University Students’ Council president Sophie Helpard was defe-cated on while giving her state of the USC address that students decided something had to be done.

Students began a protest, chant-ing “end the geese, bring the peace,” and convinced administration to allow students to carry weapons as

a way to protect themselves.For those who cannot afford

a gun, they may apply for a gun grant at the University’s financial aid office.

“We believe all students should have equal access and oppor-tunity to services on campus,” said Quinn Quacker, financial aid representative.

The University Community Centre will get a vending machine to provide ammunition and more will be added across campus if need be.

Protesters are concerned about the rights of geese and have camped outside of Chakma’s office.

“Our first and foremost respons-ibility is to protect students,” Chakma said. “Their safety comes above all else.”

We have yet to hear back from a representative of the geese, although the geese’s lawyer said he had “no comment” to The Western Beet. n


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Hyperloop to cut transit time to campus to 0.5 secondsLANCE ARMSTRONG CYCLIST

It seems London’s transit woes are coming to an end after Mayor Matt Brown announced the arrival of the Hyperloop in July 2016.

The Hyperloop is a high-speed transportation system that will decrease the travel time between White Oaks and Masonville Mall to 15 seconds. The Hyperloop will replace all LTC routes and run through Western’s campus. It will reach Nat Sci from the Richmond Gates in 0.2 seconds and then run towards Alumni Hall, taking another 0.3 seconds.

“I think this is really dope and a shit ton better than that fuckery of an idea about having more buses on the road. Fuck that,” Brown said at a candid media conference at city hall.

London is the first city in the world to experiment with the Hyperloop. The project was announced after Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla Motors and SpaceX, visited the city.

According to Musk, London has a lot to offer and in a world where dodos weren’t extinct and Martin Shkreli was president, London could’ve been the Silicon Valley of Canada.

John Basic, a first-year entitle-ment studies student, isn’t happy with the proposed route of the Hyperloop.

“My problem is, why doesn’t this Hyperloop thing stop outside the Rec Centre?” he said. “I still have to walk three minutes before I can get on the treadmill.”

While student opinion regard-ing the Hyperloop remains div-ided, there’s one major issue before the Hyperloop even comes to cam-pus: the University Drive bridge.

Gitta Kulczycki, Western vice-president resources and

operations, doesn’t think the bridge can take the weight of the Hyperloop — despite the fact that the loop will only be on the bridge for a mere 0.005 seconds each time.

“We are doing load testing on the bridge at this time, but there’s also the vibration factor that affects our chandeliers and I don’t know if this Hyperloop is the right fit for our gorgeous campus,” she said.

The load tests, which basically consists of members of Western’s senior administration led by President Amit Chakma running

laps on the bridge, are expected to be completed by the end of this month.

Lindsee Perkins, USC vice-presi-dent external, is very happy with the Hyperloop announcement and credits it to her year of lobbying the city council and the provincial and federal governments.

“I think this is great for students — so wonderful,” she said in a speech to assembled students. “We passed a policy paper at OUSA and the next thing you know we have the Hyperloop! Advocacy works.”

At this point, all the students

turned to each other and asked at the exact same time, “What the fuck is OUSA?”

Passes for the Hyperloop will be available to Western students in August 2016. The new passes will see a price bump from $200 per student for the previous bus pass to $3,000 per student. It is also unclear who will be footing the bill for the new system.

President Chakma, however, doesn’t see this as a problem.

“The international students will pay for the Hyperloop,” he said with a chuckle.

When asked by The Gazette how he feels about this state-ment, Alvero Aristotle, an inter-national student from Greece, said there’s no way he’s paying for the Hyperloop.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he said. “I already pay $20,000 to sit in classes without a single outlet and decent WiFi. Fuck this place,” he said.

Upon hearing the statement by Aristotle, Chakma responded by saying the Hyperloop route just got 10 kilometres longer. n

Card confusion leads to wrong USC winnerRICK MCGHIE LEGEND

Suspicions held by many that the USC election results were a little bewildering were confirmed last night after the wrong winner was announced by chief returning offi-cer Steve Chorney.

A packed audience at the Spoke and thousands viewing the live stream at home watched with bated breath as Chorney took the stage to announce the winner of the 2016 USC presidential election.

Presidential candidates Eddy Nagila and Brandon Failin stood next to each other smiling and hold-ing hands.

Without further ado, Chorney look at the card in his hand and announced the result of the election with Failin as the winner.

Approximately five people in the audience burst into cheers and applause. Nagila hugged Failin while crying uncontrollably.

Chorney, who had left the stage at this point, came back and looked sombrely at the crowd.

“Okay folks, there’s been... I have to apologize,” he said. The crowd went absolutely silent and Nagila pushed Failin away.

“The first runner-up is Brandon Failin,” Chorney said. “USC

president 2016 is Eddy Nagila.” The crowd in the Spoke went

berserk and the place started to get covered with celebration confetti as Nagila’s supporters lost their shit. For some reason, the Black Eyed Peas’ Let’s Get It Started was playing in the background.

Many in the crowd started to mutter about a rigged election and shook their heads as Chorney took the presidential crown off Failin and put it on Nagila. Chorney, visibly distraught as USC president Sophie Helfand stared him down, turned once again to address the crowd.

“Listen folks, let me just take con-trol of this,” Chorney said. “This is exactly what’s on the card. I will take responsibility for this, it was my mis-take, it was on the card.”

Ahmed Del Ray, a second-year political science and youth unemployment studies student, was in the Spoke for the announcement and was confused about how the night turned out.

“I was just here because the com-munications guy Kevin offered me a free iPad to be a crowd filler,” he said. “But I’m hundo P sure this was fixed. No one makes mistakes like this. Typical USC.”

Chorney kept on pointing to the card in his hand and said it was all there.

“Horrible mistake, but the right thing… I can show it to you right here,” he said. “Please don’t hold it against the gentlemen, please don’t, we feel so badly but it’s still a great night. Thank you all.”n

Wall around campus will be for int’l students’ benefitWENDY WOW LONDON NATIVE

Western University’s president, Amit Chakma, announced earlier this week that Western is building a 30-foot high wall around the uni-versity’s border.

“We want to keep international students on campus,” Chakma said at a press conference. “The most obvious and cost-effective solution is to barricade them in.”

Phase one of the project has already begun. Last month, the University barred city buses from campus to ensure the University Drive bridge could be structurally assessed to accommodate a feature of the new border-wall.

“We’re turning the campus overpass into a drawbridge,” said Chakma. “We think this decision is the key to making Western great again — or maybe great for the first time, ever.”

It’s an idea that’s proving popu-lar with students. Many Western varsity athletes and fraternity mem-bers have come forward expressing their interest in forming a border patrol unit called the “Border Brahs.”

“It’s going to be turnt,” said one enthusiastic member of the UWO

fraternity Pi Pi Pi. “There will be guestlist and shit. Don’t worry, we’ll let the babes in. It’ll be hype.”

Still, many campus stakeholders have expressed concern over who will pay for the cost of the wall, which is expected to total slightly more than Chakma’s annual salary.

Chakma said it was for the bene-fit of international students and they would be privileged to be able to pay for it themselves.

“Also Liberal arts students are damaging Western’s extraordinar-iness,” Chakma said. “Or, maybe we’ll cut TA compensation because they already know where the food bank is.”

Chakma said the long term plan is to restrict campus-access to only high-net-worth international stu-dents and deport anyone else.

The president said the pro-ject stems from extensive, cam-pus-wide student, staff and faculty consultations. The Gazette was unable to find anyone who had been consulted.

“And if they refuse to pay for the wall, we’re going to build it 10 feet higher,” Chakma said. The presi-dent left the conference driving a teaching assistant-pulled sled. n

THE GAZETTE obtained the card chief returning officer Chorney used to an-nounce the results. Part of the confusion was due to the fact that no matter what way you held it the results were upside down.


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Book tells sordid tale of USC executive lifeUBIN YAKINOFF PRIVATE EYE

An explosive tell-all book on the behind-the-scenes life of the University Students’ Council exec-utive is set for release this sum-mer, Random House confirmed on Wednesday.

Communications officer Kevin Hurren has broken ranks with his fellow executive cartel to write the book. Hurren, who is the first liter-ate USC executive but still needed a ghostwriter, said it was import-ant to get the real story out there for students.

“I think students need to know what really goes on with this out-of-touch, elitist group of airheads,” Hurren said, talking solely with his hands.

Among the lies Hurren exposes is that the budget is completely made up, students have no say in any decisions and Charity Ball actually made no money so the USC found a donation “from other lines.”

Following the Random House announcement, the USC has been in full damage control mode, con-sulting Western for how to control messaging during a scandal.

“I told them to use Navigator

because we don’t have any bet-ter idea of how to handle mes-saging than the USC,” said Moe Mustang, Western communica-tions director.

One of the most surprising rev-elations is that being an executive is not all it’s cracked up to be.

“The reason I chose to move from The Gazette to the USC was for all the sex, drugs and money laundering,” Hurren said. “Unfortunately, the USC cleaned up its act this year and all I got was a few hundred thousand dollars in a Swiss bank account.

“What happened to all the sex I was promised?” Hurren sobbed. “I got more as a Gazette editor and that’s saying something.”

In one of the chapters, titled “We didn’t do shit this year,” Hurren details how the USC came together to accomplish their big-gest milestone this year: finally being absolutely and totally irrel-evant to students.

“We tried so hard to do every-thing in our power to not connect with students,” Hurren writes. “We never even had office hours — not like we were there even if you did try and show up to our office — and we also took our website

offline.“That wasn’t intentional, it

just happened, but it was a happy coincidence,” he continued.

When asked about what they thought of the upcoming tome, students-at-large weren’t sure they would read it.

“My only interaction with the USC has been drunkenly making out with one of them at Ceeps,” said an elusive student-at-large. “They had serious ego issues though, so I got outta there quick… not sure if I would want to read a book by one of those weirdos.”

Finally, in the last chapter, titled “Farewell to you fuckers,” Hurren just published the unvar-nished financials of the USC with the tagline, “you’re welcome, Gazette.” n

English department moved to closet as part of streamliningRON CHEESE JOBLESS

The department of English and writing studies has been relocated again, much to the consternation of students and faculty alike.

Two years ago, the department was moved out of University College due to concerns about asbestos. Now, they’ve shifted from the Arts and Humanities Building into somewhat smaller rooms in the University Community Centre.

“There were trace sources of freeloadica poverticanus found in the building,” says President Amit Chakma in a press release. “It’s a bacteria found most often in flakey, unprofitable liberal arts institu-tions. We’re holding Ivey business classes in there to decontaminate the premises.”

He stresses this is only a tempor-ary measure, and the shafted schol-ars will be restored to their original offices after an unspecified amount of time.

The decision has been met with mixed responses, ranging from gloomy acceptance to indignation.

“This is getting ridiculous,” says George Mopps, a caretaker in the UCC. “I went to get my cart from the cleaning closet the other day and there was some professor all set up in there. Chair, desk, computer and everything. How are we supposed to work?”

Professor Gently, a well-re-spected and distinguished mem-ber of the English department, has cultivated a refined sort of optimism towards the whole affair.

“I feel much closer to my stu-dents this way,” he says as his class

of 10 crawls out from underneath a pool table. “It’s almost like Oxford, in some ways. Much more intimate student-teacher connection — we’re all equals under the sharp, cracking squalls of wooden cue against ball, the exultant shouts of victory. I do wish Jeremy would take it upon him-self to shower occasionally, though.”

Chakma also notes in the press release that the visual arts depart-ment is undergoing similar renova-tions. Clearly a man of culture, he extolls the virtues and educational benefits of plein-air painting. The obvious next step, he says, is to make all art classes outdoors and dispense with the “stifling, arbitrary boundaries” of physical classrooms entirely.

Many professors have elected to move their classes to the Grad Club, where they work in harmony with the chatter of the people — a democratic sort of learning, without the ivory-tower nonsense that per-vades academia today.

It’s been said that no classes are actually taking place, that the stu-dents and teachers are wallowing in despondence and drink, gazing into the hopeless void of their future with glazed, unseeing eyes and the occa-sional bout of hysteria and weeping, but these are the criticisms of those unversed in the workings of a liberal arts education.

In fact, they’re engaged in a psychic, communal sort of learn-ing, a deeply emotional experience. Western must be commended for encouraging such a grassroots, experimental mode of learning. Go Mustangs! n

After over 130,000 students sign petition, Wave makes progress on getting food to customers

Wave delivers food within one day of customer ordering

CHRIS P. BACON FOODIE

In a major development that has left thousands of Western students shocked and confused, the Wave is serving food the same day it is ordered.

The campus eatery, which on any given day serves food approximately three days after it is first ordered, has stepped up its game and it’s all thanks to a new pager system.

According to Brian O’Souffle, Wave manager, the restaurant now gives customers pagers which they can use to contact their servers once they have forgotten the table and moved on in life.

“Too many times, customers come in, are seated and then their server just clocks out for the day because they just don’t want to deal with it,” he said.

A petition started by a Western

student on change.org asked University Students’ Council presi-dent Sophie Helfand to reduce wait times at the Wave. At the time of publishing, the petition was signed by over 130,000 students.

Joe Blow, a fourth-year psych-ology student, started the petition because he couldn’t deal with the pain and misery inflicted by the Wave on its patrons.

“I have been watching this happen for years now,” Blow said. “I have seen students go into the Wave at 18 and come out at 20. It’s like prison, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”

O’Souffle said the idea came to him watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

“I just saw this thing where the hospitals can get in touch with their doctors just by pinging this pager thing and I was like we gotta try this

out with our servers,” he said.Lazarus Lantern, the first server

to use the pager system, said before the petition came out, he had no idea that waiting times were even an issue at the Wave but the new pager system is helpful.

“The other day, I seated this couple at midday and went about my day. Around 3 p.m. my pager buzzed and I turned around to see this couple just balling their eyes out. I went to their table, just took their order and they started wiping their tears off,” he said. “Just making their day better made my day.”

The pager system is a pilot pro-ject, and if it continues its current success, it will be a permanent fix-ture at the Wave.

“I was an atheist but this has made me reconsider my life choices — our prayers have been heard,” Blow said. n


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AMIT TRUMP HIGH ROLLER

The rise of the Donald in the United States has highlighted many of Western’s own problems on its campus. Illegal immigration, birth control, gun rights and lax pun-ishments are all rampant at this university. In keeping with the inspirational Trump’s manifesto, I detail a plan through which we can make Western great again.

Ban illegal TAs from campusTeaching assistants are pouring in this university unabated. When teaching assistant unions assign TAs, they’re not sending us the best. They’re sending TAs that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems. They’re bring-ing drugs, they’re bringing crime. They’re shitty graders and some, I assume, are good people, but I speak to campus police and they’re telling us what we’re getting.

We want TAs to come into our university but they have to come into our university legally. They’re going to have to go out — all of them. They can come back, but they’re gonna have to go out first.

I’m calling for a total and com-plete shutdown of TAs entering Western until we can figure out what the hell is going on. I would even support a petition to build a wall around campus to keep these

TAs out.It doesn’t matter that they work

for the same rate as a sweatshop in Thailand, that’s not relevant. The principle of the matter is that we have to keep our students and our campus community safe — so the TAs have to go.Ban all condoms across campus

It’s not the job of the university to interfere in the bedrooms of its stu-dents. What a straight white male and straight white female do in the privacy of their own room is no concern of ours — and that’s why I propose banning all condoms from campus, to let students make their own decisions without the pressures of safe sex.

Student Health Services made major strides in this regard by ban-ning any and all condoms from its premises. Public funding of con-doms is an insult to people of con-science at the least and an affront to good governance at best. Providing free condoms is also preventing us from achieving one of Western’s biggest goals — to be the highest STI infested university campus per capita in North America. All in all, condoms are preventing Western from being great again.

Allow open carry everywhereGuns are villainized on this campus because of all the liberal horseshit that is taught in classes here. We

need guns — if you had more guns, you’d have more protection because the right people would have the guns. Gun-free zones need to go — every Western student should have the right to openly carry their weapons to class.

There are far too many times when a rogue professor starts to put the wrong ideas in their heads or a libtard starts to talk in a tutorial and students should have the choice to shut it down. If students had guns, no one will munch loudly on the fifth floor of Weldon in exam season, they’ll know what’s good for them.

Torture for plagiarismPlagiarism is a plague at this uni-versity. So many people cheat and get away with it. What we need is stricter punishments — torture even. I encourage students to peti-tion Amit Chakma to bring back tor-ture to Western. We need to get rid of plagiarism once and for all. We’re soft and we’re weak and we can’t be that at this university.

Don’t kid yourself, folks. It works, okay? It works. Only a stupid person would say it doesn’t work. And you know what? If it doesn’t work, they deserve it anyway, for what they’re doing. We need to bring a lot worse than just waterboarding to these students — that’s like the least form of torture if anything. n

MASTER BATES LIVES ALONE

All my life, I wanted to go to univer-sity. Not for the career prospects, not for the intellectual bullshit — I wanted to get girls.

And Western was the place to do it. Purple pride runs deep in the beer-stained bleachers at Thompson Arena where countless football games have been steadfastly ignored in favour of a different kind of action. After hearing those stor-ies, that’s when I knew that Western University was the place for me. The pinnacle of party schools. The crème de la cream. The campus tour guide even promised me that I wouldn’t be able to walk down Concrete Beach without catching the eye of at least three sorority girls.

But I have yet to even be asked out on one date this year. I’ve walked the stacks of Weldon to no avail; I’ve attended Rick’s at the Spoke every week like it was my full-time job; I switched residences from Perth to Saugeen and the most action I saw was someone floorhopping in

the same elevator I was; and I even attended a women’s studies class for three years in a row. You’d think the odds of catching someone’s eye in that class would be in my favour, but I’ve come out dry. I’ve swiped right to every girl on Tinder – even some grenades – and only got a few matches, and all of them went to Fanshawe.

And instead of wasting any time on self-reflection, I blame it on my GPA.

I don’t fit in with the kids with AEO status that get As by day and sloshed by night. And I don’t fit in with the frat boys that are too cool for school but somehow never get kicked out of their program.

I’m in a grade purgatory between the high achievers that are every girls’ “goals” and the guys you find in frathouse bathrooms, fitting into neither camp.

Too little studying, too little partying. Too much coffee, too much vodka. I’ve attained that Western sweet spot between parties and grades, but it’s lonely at the top.

One time, I got close: My white whale was a sophomore named Courtney I met on Richmond Row. Our fingers brushed against each other as we reached for the same beer at The Ceeps, and we made eye contact all night. When I won Ceeps Bingo, it was for a reason – I was determined to, nay, destined to share my winning poutine with her.

But when I stepped out of the spotlight to find her, she was gone, Canada Goose jacket and all.

The only thing I had left of her was her receipt that showed three whiskey sours.

But there is hope for me. I’m completing my undergrad this year – with no honours, of course, because that would at least give me some game – but sticking around at Western for my graduate degree in political science. Two more years at Western, but I’ll be moving to the Grad Club instead of the Spoke, a graduation that falls a little flat.

So here’s to hoping being a grad is the hottest thing to girls out there — I’ve got little else going for me. n

The girls struggle goes on

Western’s a laughing stock — let’s make this campus great again

Extraordinary student debt

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Help develop the next generationof extraordinary student debt.there’s a sucker born every minute

We know that as students, you think you’re extraordinary. You’re studying fine arts with a minor in comparative literature, and you have no doubt in your mind that you’ll get a cushy high-paying job right out of school. You just go right ahead believing that. With the millions of dollars that we get every year from suckers like you, we pride ourselves on providing the best possible student experience — so you can forget the crushing debt that will be holding you back for the next decade. Expect a donation form in the mail.

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spoof

Women’s volleyball team: Too hot?SALLY SPORTS SPORTSTER

“I don’t know, man, I just came out to watch some volleyball and the next thing I knew I was sweating and fainting like a schoolboy.”

George Meorge, first-year med-ical science student, was nearly brought to tears when he volun-teered to keep score at a Mustangs women’s volleyball game. The cur-rent volleyball team has been deal-ing with what renowned scientists from Western and Waterloo are call-ing “being fine af.”

But how fine is fine af? Expert human behaviourist Dr. Bartholomew Doloris from Harvard says once someone reaches a certain threshold, their “fineness” becomes uncomfortable for the average human being.

”If you’ve ever been around someone who’s simply too fine, it’s almost overwhelming,” says Doloris. “You get sweaty, hot, nervous, coy and shy and… boy, I’m getting a little hot myself just talking about it, jeez. Someone get me a water, God damn!”

For most men, watching a vol-leyball game can be a heavenly and arguably enchanting experience.

But for others, it’s an indication of something gravely wrong in our society.

“Quite frankly, it’s disgusting,” says Britney Stahrbuks, fourth-year undecided major. “It’s just more proof that we’re living in an increasingly patriarchal, misogyn-istic, post-colonial, racist, dystopian and technologically dependent soci-ety. Under no circumstances should men show their attraction to the opposite sex.”

Stahrbuks is part of a grassroots social movement called “Boners No More,” whose sole aim is to end the growing male interest in Western women’s volleyball. According to the Boners No More website, their mandate explicitly states, “We aim to quash male interest in female sports while at the same time being overtly attracted to male football and soccer players.”

In response, Cicilly Volleyhall, second-year honours specialization in economics and astrophysics, and captain of the volleyball team, said, “Yeah, I mean, like, it’s kind of gross seeing a bunch of sweaty dudes sit-ting on the bleachers, but they don’t do much. One time I tried talking to them and half of them fainted while

the rest ran away giggling.”For Volleyhall, it’s nothing new;

however, it is interesting to note that most of the attraction has been geared towards Western rather than other universities.

“I used to go to McMaster, and honestly, their volleyball games were whack,” says Meorge. “When I finally transferred to Western, it was like discovering the existence of a higher power. They were just...

so damn fine.” No one knows what led to this

weird obsession with female vol-leyball players, but everyone agrees that it’s pretty damn disgusting. n

7-year-old wunderkid next Mustangs QB

DICK TATER GERIATRIC

In a move that few saw coming, Western’s athletic department announced at an empty press conference the signing of sev-en-year-old Peyton Brady on Wednesday evening.

“You know, his ability to move the football is second to none,” said Western head coach Martin Cliché. “When you move the football down the field, it helps you win games, you know?”

Brady played for the London Junior Mustangs last season where he recorded an unknown amount of completions and touchdowns because nobody keeps stats at that age.

Regardless, Mustangs recruiting coordinator Dom Hinderman is confident that scooping up the talented young-ster was necessary.

“The fact that we have to wait 11 years until he’s eligible doesn’t matter,” he said. “It was crucial for us to look towards the future because have you looked at our past? We’ve won one Vanier Cup

in the past 22 years, despite get-ting the top talent every year.”

“We think this is the best way to make the Western football team great again,” he continued

Brady himself offered little to say when asked about the commitment to his hometown school.

“I like turtles,” he said. Despite the ecstatic coach-

ing staff, some in the media are questioning this move.

But Donald Hump, one of Western’s 26 assistant offen-sive line coaches, defended his team’s decision.

“You know, it doesn’t really matter what the media write as long as you know in your gut it’s the right thing to do,” he said.

Cliché reiterated Brady’s talent.

“You know, he can throw the football, he can run the foot-ball, he can throw the football with his wrong hand, he can run backwards and he can do a cartwheel,” Marshall said. “And he’s just seven, you know! Think of the potential.”n

Athletics divests from all teams except footballDIXIE RECT FORMER VARSITY ATHLETE

In a typical year at Western, most of the money from the athletic department goes towards the foot-ball team.

But because the large amount of financial support the football team has received has not translated into a national championship win 1994, the Western athletic department has decided to cut all of the other 45 var-sity teams at Western in order to fully support football.

“I honestly don’t give a fuck about any of the other teams,” said Western’s athletic director Jerry Hermann. “Especially the track team. Fuck that team.”

Mustangs football head coach Martin Cliché also fully supports the decision to put the $6-million athletic budget towards football.

“To be honest, Western foot-ball is the greatest thing that has ever happened to this school,” said Cliché. “It’s a shame that the athletic department didn’t think of doing this earlier.”

With this increased budget, the football team wants to increase

scholarships for every single one of the football players, which will cover all of the tuition costs for every player. The increased fund-ing will also allow Cliché to provide free housing for all of the starters on the team in the penthouse at Luxe on Richmond Street.

The penthouse will be rented out exclusively to football players and will be a great place to have parties. Next year’s starting quarterback, Peyton Brady, is already excited for this opportunity to live in the penthouse.

“With this new exclusive living arrangement at the Luxe, I think we’ll have a great time,” said Brady . “At Western it’s not just about ath-letics. Drinking is a big part of what we do and at the Luxe penthouse we will be able to have some massive parties.”

Hermann also thinks more money could come from the stu-dents to support the football team. Currently, students pay about $80 each through their tuition to support the athletic programs at Western. If this fee was increased to about $200, he thinks it would be very beneficial

for the team.“If our student fee for the athletic

department was increased it would allow us to rent out the whole Luxe apartment for the football team,” said Hermann. “We could then turn the apartment into sort of a football fraternity. They would be able to have the craziest parties.”

Mike Hawk, the new associate vice-president student experi-ence, would also like to see the fee increase.

“My position at Western was recently created to ensure that stu-dent athletes have the best student experience possible,” said Hawk. “By giving the football players free tuition and having a football fra-ternity where they could host huge parties, it would ensure that these players are having the best student experience possible at Western.”

This increase in quality of the student experience for Western football players will almost certainly lead them to a championship next season. Their quest for their first national championship in 22 years begins on Aug. 28 when they host the terrible Windsor Lancers.n

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CROSSWORD BY EUGENE SHEFFER

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MRS GREAVES GAZETTE

CREEPY OLD MAN. A mature student was spotted in the UCC walking up behind students and whispering into their ears on Wednesday. Students were initially creeped out but once they realized he was older than Father Time, they all took selfies with the oldest ever human-esque being.

or else we’ll have to do it [email protected]

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