This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in SuperSexy Love

This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which a goat wearing novelty sunglasses climbs to the top of theEmpire State Building and whispers "CELEBRITY" before plummeting down to the ground. Thisweek, Miley Cyrus made her wedding rings out of rolling papers; Kendall Jenner is getting ready toplay The Most Dangerous Game; every female celebrity in a long-term relationship is lonely; Rihannamight become a mom.

God, aren't men boring? Let's roll.

OK! TAYLOR SWIFT'S SHOCKING ROMANCE

Oh HELL yes we're starting off with Taylor and Karlie, the two Barbie dolls from your childhood thatyou covered in glitter and made scissor on your bathroom floor. But before we get there, let's talkabout"Kendra Wilkinson eating turkey testicles, cow lips, cockroaches and crickets. This PaleoXtreme DeathSwag is due to Kendra's stint in the Australian jungle for I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outof Here. She lost a lot of weight eating those crickets, lips 'n balls. Next up, in huge surprises:Gwyneth Paltrow is a thankless and demanding boss! Madonna is jealous of her daughter's bestquality: YOUTH! And, because her grandmother had a baby at 49 (??) Nicole Kidman, 47, wants toput a BUN in that OVEN! Elsewhere, Kendall Jenner has "decided to take the plunge" of dating ChrisBrown. We know this because they were on the same team at a charity football game and also maybethey were in a car accident together and also they took a picture together on Instagram and alsomaybe they've been banging secretly for quite some time.

Okay, now it's Taylor and Karlie time. This story is as great and stupid"it's just a retelling of theirfriendship timeline as (re)constructed by social media, but with this wonderfully delicate fairytaletone ("Although Taylor went so far as to set aside a bedroom for [Karlie] in her Manhattanapartment, complete with pictures of the model on the walls and a basket of her favorite snacks onthe nightstand") that is as pleasing as it is infuriating: if either celeb in question was "trashy" (i.e.curvy or outspoken or non-white) this story would be covered like SHOCKING DIRTY LESBIANSECRET XXX. There's no real news except apparently Karlie likes Taylor more than Taylor likesKarlie, and the writer inexplicably separates THE KISS CAUGHT ON CAMERA (it looks like a blob)from the fact that this kiss occurred at a 1975 show and Taylor's supposedly also dating Matt Healyfrom the 1975.

In other news,the Royal Christmas Dinner will include zero Middleton parents and one "roast turkeyand plum pudding with Devon cream" (disgusting: turkeys do not go with plums or cream). Past

years have included a "lighthearted royal gift exchange" in which Prince Harry got the Queen ashower cap with the slogan "Ain't life a bitch." God love you, Prince Harry. Here's a real quote froma super rude story about KHLOE KARDASHIAN'S "REVENGE BODY": "See Khloe squat! See Khloelift! See Khloe jump rope! See Khloe push a sled!" The particular rudeness is that the writer is like"Why is it taking so long for her work to show up?" The last line of the story is "Hmm."

Grade: B- (roast turkey testicle with Devon plum cream)

Life & Style MILEY'S MARRIED

LOL. I mean, she's not. Other things that are not happening:Kendall Jenner wants to get surgery onher belly button because when she got it pierced, it started to look like "two belly buttons." Cueeveryone in the Kardashian family all solemn and hushed like, "Kendall"". no"". you couldn't doanything to your body"." Lil Kim owes $126k in back taxes. In May, she told her fans that she wasregistered at Buy Buy Baby and was like "Buy your mother some gifts." Joaquin Phoenix told DavidLetterman that he was engaged to his yoga instructor, but then the next day said he made it up. "Iwanted the audience to like me," he said, once he was comfortable back at home all zipped up intohis gimp suit.

Anamazing caption for Olivia Wilde holding her baby up: "A tender moment and a great workout allrolled into one!" An amazing revelation about Amy Poehler's process: she writes topless, to relax. Anamazing quote from Sailor Twift: "I feel uncomfortable being the No. 1 priority in my friends' lives."LOL SAILOR TWIFT, LIKE HELL YOU DO. Miranda Lambert has descended into "Booze, Pills &Darkness," otherwise known as hold on what were you saying you have pills and I can drink wineand sit in the dark? Where? Tonight? Someone's like, "Rihanna's Pregnant." A MediaTakeOut reportsays that she has "given up weed" and "banned it from her recording studio" to prepare for BB Riri.There's literally no way in the world that Rihanna is ever giving up weed.

Okay, we are at the cover story, in which Miley becomes a Kennedy via secretly betrothing Patrick"Arnold" Schwarzenegger. I am surprised and honored and humbled to say, THIS FAKE STORY ISFUCKING AMAZING. So, on December 5th at Art Basel, Miley"fresh off the glow of recovering froma pregnancy scare"made some phone calls, got a MIDGET MINISTER to go hide in her hotel room,whipped out RINGS SHE'D MADE OUT OF ROLLING PAPERS and walked down the aisle to aTECHNO REMIX OF "HERE COMES THE BRIDE." Their vows included, and I'm quoting the story,Miley saying that "she'd try to be a faithful wife, but" she couldn't make any promises," and Patricksaying she'd marry her if she took his last name. "Then they made out for like five minutes whileeveryone cheered." Next step, an actual marriage certificate/actual wedding for these "two peas in apod." Blessings and congratulations to Peas!

Grade: C- (if there were two pods, each containing two peas, and each pea had two belly buttons andall of the happy peas had to have plastic surgery for an E! original TV series)

inTouch HOLIDAYS FROM HELL

*Majestic clouds part in the sky as Moses comes down from the mountain*Huge news, theKardashians are fighting.They are having holidays from hell, so like, lots of circle ornaments on thetree, lots of river stuff, a nice fire? Sounds great. The night after Miley Cyrus partied hard at ArtBasel, Maria Shriver posted a video on Twitter about the dangers of binge-drinking. "Worth showingyr kids & talking to them about who they are & will be this weekend." LOL. Also funny is this story ofAdam Levine eating an apple while doing a radio interview. Even funnier is Snooki making an Etsyshop in which the first item up for sale was a mug that said 'Your the Snooki to my JWOWW.' [Sic].Siiiick.

Reese Witherspoon is fighting with her husband, whom she was arrested with (tabloids#neverforget) in 2013. Wreath has a "potty mouth" and she is "pretty feisty" and doesn't answer

texts and the pair of them fight in public, which sounds absolutely inhuman and unpardonable, let'stalk about it some more. Except here is the cover story, in which Kris & Scott Get Wasted, Khloe IsFat-Shamed, Kanye Leaves Kim, Kendall & Kylie are Feuding, and Rob's a Mess. "WAIT, IT GETSWEIRDER," screeches a hawk from high up in the sky. Bruce Jenner is becoming a" *hawk plummetsfrom the sky and executes me before I can finish this sentence*

Grade: D+ (the radio editor who had to be like, "Adam, are you eating an APPLE?"/the Adam's applejoke Levine was probably not smart enough to make after)

US Weekly KATE'S SECRET AFFAIR

*hawk performs CPR* I'm back. I do not know who this "Derek Hough" person is on the cover havinga SECRET AFFAIR with Kate Hudson (don't tell me, I'll "put it together on my own") but Ido knowthat it's an incredible idea to have a spread of celebrities holding things in both hands. "DOUBLE-DARE CHALLENGE," barks a grumpy old dog. "Twinning!" he sputters. "Two is always better thanone." That is literally the text on this page.

Selena Gomez spent Taylor Swift's birthday party on the upstairs terrace yelling at Sam Smith that"No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn't even understand me!" Other unnamed "minions"spent the birthday party prepping Taylor's pad (EWWW) and setting out "eight bags of sushi" (""?),20 pizzas ( :) :) :) :) ) and lots of beer. Okay, the cover story: Kate Hudson is breaking her four-yearengagement to bang a guy from Dancing With the Stars. This courtship came after a lot of "dancing,""charades" and "Heads Up and fun games like that." I love Heads Up. *googles Heads Up* Derek hasalso dated Shannon Elizabeth, Cheryl Cole, Lauren Conrad, and Nina Dobrev. Those Mormons! ForChristmas, Quvenzhane Wallis wants beads and a Tamagotchi. Let's get her one. Piper Perabo

shares her recipe for a "Chocolate Yule Log." Step one, you eat too much. Step two, you mix yourliquors.

Grade: D- (when you're trying to flush your "Chocolate Yule Log" and the water starts rising in thetoilet bowl and your Log rolls right over the toilet seat onto your mother-in-law's newly retiledbathroom floor. Also you're drunk)

Star $200 MILLION DIVORCE BOMBSHELL

I have to say, I feel fucking high as HELL because the Gawker office smells like someone pooped onthe floor and then Zamboni'd the poop in a smooth layer over the pretty wood floors and then smoke-bombed the poop smell out by simultaneously setting off ~1000 cans of Axe body spray, so I think Iam going to have to do this a new way.

So. Who is Fighting? Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan (they are having uneven career paths). LadyGaga and Taylor Boyfriend (she wants to have a baby and is insecure). Alec Baldwin and HilariaYogababe (Baldwin thinks his wife is too into herself, a likely story). Norman Reedus (?) and CeciliaSingley (??) (Why is a normal oboe reed fighting with a Catholic onesie IDK IDK IDK). Jessica Bieland Justin Timberlake (she is PREGNANT and alone and he hasn't recommitted himself to domesticlife the way that Jessica totally thought she would when she was like GIMME DA BABY. The storyalso reveals that Biel's restaurant "Au Fudge" is "just something to keep her busy." You think?)Angelina Jolie and Amy Pascal (LOL). Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban (she TOO is home alone andwants a baby).

Who is Boning? Kendall J and Chris Brown (why not). Ashanti and Nelly (they're giving it one moreshot).

LOL. That's literally it. That's the magazine. Thank you and good night.

Grade: F (the aneurysm you get from an office that either smelled like someone Axed a poop orsomeone pooped in an Axe container)

Addendum:

Fig 1., of Tiny Baby at Disney World, Life & Style

Fig 2., inTouch

Fig 3., inTouch

Fig. 4, Life & Style

Fig 5., Your Weirdest Dream, OK!