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FX

JAN251975

"JV

INTRODUCTION

THEgreatestofEnglishdramatistsexceptShakespeare,thefirstliterarydictatorandpoet-laureate,awriterofverse,prose,satire,andcriticismwhomostpotentlyofallthemenofhistimeaffectedthesubsequentcourseofEnglishletters:suchwrasBenJonson,andassuchhisstrongpersonalityassumesaninteresttousalmostunparalleled,atleastinhisage.BenJonsoncameofthestockthatwascenturiesaftertogivetotheworldThomasCarlyle;forJonson'sgrandfatherwasofAnnandale,overtheSolway,whencehemigratedtoEngland.Jonson'sfatherlosthisestateunderQueenMary,"havingbeencastintoprisonandforfeited."Heenteredthechurch,butdiedamonthbeforehisillustrioussonwasborn,leavinghiswidowandchildinpoverty.Jonson'sbirthplacewrasWestminster,andthetimeofhisbirthearlyin1573.HewasthusnearlytenyearsShakespeare'sjunior,andlesswelloff,ifatriflebetterborn.ButJonsondidnotprofitevenbythisslightadvantage.Hismothermarriedbeneathher,awrightorbricklayer,andJonsonwasforatimeapprenticedtothetrade.Asayouthheattractedtheattentionofthefamousantiquary,WilliamCamden,thenusheratWestminsterSchool,andtherethepoetlaidthesolidfoundationsofhisclassicallearning.JonsonalwaysheldCamdeninveneration,acknowledgingthattohimheowed,

AllthatIaminarts,allthatIknow;

anddedicatinghisfirstdramaticsuccess,"EveryManinHisHumour,"tohim.ItisdoubtfulwhetherJonsoneverwenttoeitheruniversity,thoughFullersaysthathewas"statut-ablyadmittedintoSt.John'sCollege,Cambridge."Hetellsusthathetooknodegree,butwaslater"MasterolArtsinboththeuniversities,bytheirfavour,nothisstudy."WhenamereyouthJonsonenlistedasasoldier,trailinghispikeinFlandersintheprotractedwarsofWilliamtheSilentagainsttheSpanish.Jonsonwasalargeandraw-bonedlad;hebecamebyhisownaccountintimeexceedinglybulky.InchatwithhisfriendWilliamDrummondofHawthornden,

Jonsontoldhow"inhisserviceintheLowCountrieshehad,inthefaceofboththecamps,killedanenemy,andtakenopimaspoliafromhim;'andhow"sincehiscomingtoEngland,beingappealedtothefields,hehadkilledhisadversarywhichhadhurthiminthearmandwhoseswordwastenincheslongerthanhis."Jonson'sreachmayhavemadeupforthelackofhissword;certainlyhisprowesslostnothinginthetelling.ObviouslyJonsonwasbrave,combative,andnotaversetotalkingofhimselfandhisdoings.

In1592,Jonsonreturnedfromabroadpenniless.Soonafterhemarried,almostasearlyandquiteasimprudentlyasShakespeare.HetoldDrummondcurtlythat"hiswifewasashrew,yethonest";forsomeyearshelivedapartfromherinthehouseholdofLordAlbany.Yettwo

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touchingepitaphsamongJonson'sEpigrams,"Onmyfirstdaughter,"and"Onmyfirstson,"attestthewarmthofthepoet'sfamilyaffections.Thedaughterdiedininfancy,thesonoftheplague;anothersongrewuptomanhoodlittlecredittohisfatherwhomhesurvived.WeknownothingbeyondthisofJonson'sdomesticlife.

HowsoonJonsondriftedintowhatwenowcallgrandly"thetheatricalprofession'1wedonotknow.In1593,Marlowemadehistragicexitfromlife,andGreene,Shakespeare'sotherrivalonthepopularstage,hadprecededMarloweinanequallymiserabledeaththeyearbefore.Shakespearealreadyhadtherunningtohimself.JonsonappearsfirstintheemploymentofPhilipHenslowe,theexploiterofseveraltroupesofplayers,manager,andfather-in-lawofthefamousactor,EdwardAlleyn.FromentriesinHenslowe'sDiary,aspeciesoftheatricalaccountbookwhichhasbeenhandeddowntous,weknowthatJonsonwasconnectedwiththeAdmiral'smen;forheborrowed£4ofHenslowe,July28,1597,payingback35.9d.onthesamedayonaccountofhis"share"(inwhatisnotaltogetherclear);whilelater,onDecember3,ofthesameyear,Hensloweadvanced2os.tohim"uponabookwhichheshowedtheplotuntothecompanywhichhepromisedtodeliveruntothecompanyatChristmasnext."InthenextAugustJonsonwasincollaborationwithChettleandPorterinaplaycalled"HotAngerSoonCold."AllthispointstoanassociationwithHensloweofsomeduration,asnomeretyrowouldbethuspaidinadvanceuponmerepromise.FromallusionsinDekker'splay,"Satiromastix,"itappearsthatJonson,like

Shakespeare,beganlifeasanactor,andthathe"ambledinaleatherpitchbyaplay-wagon"takingatonetimethepartofHieronimoinKyd'sfamousplay,"TheSpanishTragedy."Bythebeginningof1598,Jonson,thoughstillinneedycircumstances,hadbeguntoreceiverecognition.FrancisMeres—wellknownforhis"ComparativeDiscourseofourEnglishPoetswiththeGreek,Latin,andItalianPoets,"printedin1598,andforhismentionthereinofadozenplaysofShakespearebytitle—accordstoBenJonsonaplaceasoneof"ourbestintragedy,"amatterofsomesurprise,asnoknowntragedyofJonsonfromsoearlyadatehascomedowntous.ThatJonsonwasatworkontragedy,however,isprovedbytheentriesinHensloweofatleastthreetragedies,nowlost,inwhichhehadahand.Theseare"PageofPlymouth,""KingRobertII.ofScotland,"and"RichardCrookback."Butallofthesecamelater,onhisreturntoHenslowe,andrangefromAugust1599toJune1602.

Returningtotheautumnof1598,aneventnowhappenedtoseverforatimeJonson'srelationswithHenslowe.InalettertoAlleyn,datedSeptember26ofthatyear,Henslowewrites:"Ihavelostoneofmycompanythathurtethmegreatly;thatisGabriel[Spencer],forheisslaininHogsdenfieldsbythehandsofBenjaminJonson,bricklayer."ThelastwordisperhapsHenslowe'sthrustatJonsoninhisdispleasureratherthanadesignationofhisactualcontinuanceathistradeuptothistime.ItisfairtoJonsontoremark,however,thathisadversaryappearstohavebeenanotoriousfire-eaterwhohadshortlybeforekilledoneFeekeinasimilarsquabble.Duellingwasafrequentoccurrenceofthetimeamonggentlemenandthenobility;itwasanimpudentbreachofthepeaceonthepartofaplayer.ThisduelistheonewhichJonsondescribedyearsaftertoDrummond,andforitJonsonwasdulyarraignedatOldBailey,tried,andconvicted.Hewassenttoprisonandsuchgoodsandchattelsashehad"wereforfeited."Itisathoughttogiveonepausethat,butfortheancientlawpermittingconvictedfelonstoplead,asitwascalled,thebenefitofclergy,Jonsonmighthavebeenhangedforthisdeed.Thecircumstancethatthepoetcouldreadandwritesavedhim;andhe

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receivedonlyabrandoftheletter"T,"forTyburn,onhisleftthumb.WhileinjailJonsonbecameaRomanCatholic;buthereturnedtothefaithoftheChurchofEnglandadozenyearslater.

Onhisrelease,indisgracewithHensloweandhisformer

associates,JonsonofferedhisservicesasaplaywrighttoHenslowe'srivals,theLordChamberlain'scompany,inwhichShakespearewasaprominentshareholder.Atraditionoflongstanding,thoughnotsusceptibleofproofinacourtoflaw,narratesthatJonsonhadsubmittedthemanuscriptof"EveryManinHisHumour"totheChamberlain'smenandhadreceivedfromthecompanyarefusal;thatShakespearecalledhimback,readtheplayhimself,andatonceacceptedit.Whetherthisstoryistrueornot,certainitisthat"EveryManinHisHumour"wasacceptedbyShakespeare'scompanyandactedforthefirsttimein1598,withShakespearetakingapart.TheevidenceofthisiscontainedinthelistofactorsprefixedtothecomedyinthefolioofJonson'sworks,1616.Butitisamistaketoinfer,becauseShakespeare'snamestandsfirstinthelistofactorsandtheelderKno'wellfirstinthedramatispersons,thatShakespearetookthatparticularpart.TheorderofalistofElizabethanplayerswasgenerallythatoftheirimportanceorpriorityasshareholdersinthecompanyandseldomifevercorrespondedtothelistofcharacters.

"EveryManinHisHumour"wasanimmediatesuccess,andwithitJonson'sreputationasoneoftheleadingdramatistsofhistimewasestablishedonceandforall.ThiscouldhavebeenbynomeansJonson'searliestcomedy,andwehavejustlearnedthathewasalreadyreputedoneof"ourbestintragedy."Indeed,oneofJonson'sextantcomedies,"TheCaseisAltered,"butoneneverclaimedbyhimorpublishedashis,mustcertainlyhavepreceded"EveryManinHisHumour"onthestage.TheformerplaymaybedescribedasacomedymodelledontheLatinplaysofPlautus.(Itcombines,infact,situationsderivedfromthe"Captivi"andthe"Aulularia"ofthatdramatist).Buttheprettystoryofthebeggar-maiden,Rachel,andhersuitors,Jonsonfound,notamongtheclassics,butintheidealsofromanticlovewhichShakespearehadalreadypopularisedonthestage.JonsonneveragainproducedsofreshandlovableafemininepersonageasRachel,althoughinotherrespects"TheCaseisAltered"isnotaconspicuousplay,and,saveforthesatirisingofAntonyMundayinthepersonofAntonioBalladinoandGabrielHarveyaswell,isperhapstheleastcharacteristicofthecomediesofJonson.

"EveryManinHisHumour,"probablyfirstactedlateinthesummerof1598andattheCurtain,iscommonlyregarded

asanepoch-makingplay;andthisviewisnotunjustified.Astoplot,ittellslittlemorethanhowaninterceptedletterenabledafathertofollowhissupposedlystudioussontoLondon,andthereobservehislifewiththegallantsofthetime.Therealqualityofthiscomedyisinitspersonagesandinthetheoryuponwhichtheyareconceived.BenJonsonhadtheoriesaboutpoetryandthedrama,andhewasneithercharyintalkingofthemnorinexperimentingwiththeminhisplays.ThismakesJonson,likeDrydeninhistime,andWordsworthmuchlater,anauthortoreckonwith;particularlywhenwerememberthatmanyofJonson'snotionscameforatimedefinitelytoprevailandtomodifythewholetrendofEnglishpoetry.FirstofallJonsonwasaclassicist,thatis,hebelievedinrestraintand

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precedentinartinoppositiontotheprevalentungovernedandirresponsibleRenaissancespirit.Jonsonbelievedthattherewasaprofessionalwayofdoingthingswhichmightbereachedbyastudyofthebestexamples,andhefoundtheseexamplesforthemostpartamongtheancients.Toconfineourattentiontothedrama,Jonsonobjectedtotheamateurishnessandhaphazardnatureofmanycontemporaryplays,andsethimselftodosomethingdifferent;andthefirstandmoststrikingthingthatheevolvedwashisconceptionandpracticeofthecomedyofhumours.

AsJonsonhasbeenmuchmisrepresentedinthismatter,letusquotehisownwordsasto"humour."Ahumour,accordingtoJonson,wasabiasofdisposition,awarp,sotospeak,incharacterbywhich

SomeonepeculiarqualityDothsopossessaman,thatitdothdrawAllhisaffects,hisspirits,andhispowers,Intheirconfluctions,alltorunoneway.

Cutcontinuing,Jonsoniscarefultoadd:

Butthatarookbywearingapiedfeather,Thecablehat-band,orthethree-piledru.i,Ayardofshoe-tie,ortheSwitzerskn>tOnhisFrenchgarters,shouldaffectahumour!O,itismorethanmostridiculous.

Jonson'scomedyofhumours,inaword,conceivedofsi.personagesonthebasisofarulingtraitorpas-ion(anot.il>:simplificationofactuallifebeitobservedinposing);and.placingthesetypifiedtraitsinjuxtapositionintheirconflictandcontrast,struckthesparkofcomedy.Downright,ashisnameindicates,is"aplainsquire";Bubadill'shum'»iu

thatofthebraggartwhoisincidentally,andwithdelightfullycomiceffect,acoward;Brainworm'shumouristhefindingoutofthingstotheendoffoolingeverybody:ofcourseheisfooledintheendhimself.ButitwasnotJonson'stheoriesalonethatmadethesuccessof"EveryManinHisHumour."Theplayisadmirablywrittenandeachcharacterisvividlyconceived,andwithafirmtouchbasedonobservationofthemenoftheLondonoftheday.Jonsonwasneitherinthis,hisfirstgreatcomedy(norinanyotherplaythathewrote),asupineclassicist,urgingthatEnglishdramareturntoaslavishadherencetoclassicalconditions.Hesaysastothelawsoftheoldcomedy(meaningby"laws,"suchmattersastheunitiesoftimeandplaceandtheuseofchorus):"Iseenotthen,butweshouldenjoythesamelicence,orfreepowertoillustrateandheightenourinventionasthey[theancients]did;andnotbetiedtothosestrictandregularformswhichthenicenessofafew,whoarenothingbutform,wouldthrustuponus.""EveryManinHisHumour"iswritteninprose,anovelpracticewhichJonsonhadofhispredecessorincomedy,JohnLyly.Eventheword"humour"seemstohavebeenemployedintheJonsoniansensebyChapmanbeforeJonson'suseofit.Indeed,thecomedyofhumoursitselfisonlyaheightenedvarietyofthecomedyofmannerswhichrepresentslife,viewedatasatiricalangle,andistheoldestandmostpersistentspeciesofcomedyinthelanguage.Nonetheless,Jonson'scomedymeriteditsimmediatesuccessandmarkedoutadefinitecourseinwhichcomedylongcontinuedtorun.TomentiononlyShakespeare'sFalstaffandhisrout,Bardolph,Pistol,DameQuickly,andtherest,whetherin"HenryIV."orin"TheMerryWivesofWindsor,"allareconceivedinthespiritofhumours.Soarethecaptains,Welsh,Scotch,andIrishof"HenryV.,"andMalvolioespeciallylater;thoughShakespeareneveremployedthemethodofhumoursforan

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importantpersonage.ItwasnotJonson'sfaultthatmanyofhissuccessorsdidpreciselythethingthathehadreprobated,thatis,degrade"thehumour"intoanoddityofspeech,aneccentricityofmanner,ofdress,orcutofbeard.Therewasananonymousplaycalled"EveryWomaninHerHumour."Chapmanwrote"AHumourousDay'sMirth,"Day,"HumourOutofBreath,"Fletcherlater,"TheHumourousLieutenant,"andJonson,besides"EveryManOutofHisHumour,"returnedtothetitleinclosingthecycleofhiscomediesin"TheMagneticLadyorHumoursReconciled."

Withtheperformanceof"EveryManOutofHisHumour"in1599,byShakespeare'scompanyoncemoreattheGlobe,weturnanewpageinJonson'scareer.Despitehismanyrealvirtues,ifthereisonefeaturemorethananyotherthatdistinguishesJonson,itishisarrogance;andtothismaybeaddedhisself-righteousness,especiallyundercriticismorsatire."EveryAlanOutofHisHumour"isthefirstofthree"comicalsatires"whichJonsoncontributedtowhatDekkercalledthepoetomachiaorwarofthetheatresasrecentcriticshavenamedit.Thisplayasafabricofplotisaveryslightaffair;butasasatiricalpictureofthemannersofthetime,proceedingbymeansofvividcaricature,couchedinwittyandbrilliantdialogueandsustainedbythatrighteousindignationwhichmustlieattheheartofalltruesatire—asarealisation,inshort,oftheclassicalidealofcomedy—therehadbeennothinglikeJonson'scomedysincethedaysofAristophanes."EveryManinHisHumour,"likethetwoplaysthatfollowit,containstwokindsofattack,thecriticalorgenerallysatiric,levelledatabusesandcorruptionsintheabstract;andthepersonal,inwhichspecificapplicationismadeofallthisinthelampooningofpoetsandothers,Jonson'scontemporaries.Themethodofpersonalattackbyactualcaricatureofapersononthestageisalmostasoldasthedrama.AristophanessolampoonedEuripidesin"TheAcharnians"andSocratesin"TheClouds,"tomentionnootherexamples;andinEnglishdramathiskindofthingisalludedtoagainandagain.WhatJonsonreallydid,wastoraisethedramaticlampoontoanart,andmakeoutofacasualburlesqueandbitofmimicrvadramaticsatireofliterarypretensionsandpermanency.Withthearrogantattitudementionedaboveandhisuncommoneloquenceinscorn,vituperation,andinvective,itisnowonderthatJonsonsooninvolvedhimselfinliteraryandevenpersonalquarrelswithhisfellow-authors.Thecircumstancesoftin*originofthispoetomachiaarefarfromclear,andthosewhohavewrittenonthetopic,exceptoflate,havenothelpedtomakethemclearer.Theoriginofthe'war'li.isl><-.-nreferredtosatiricalreferences,apparentlytoJonson,contain'1in"TheScourgeofVillainy,"asatireinregularformalterthemanneroftheancientsbyJohnMarston,afellowj>>\\-right,subsequentfriendandcollaboratorofJonson's.Ontheotherhand,epigramsofJonsonhavebeendiscovered(49,68,and100)variouslycharging'playwright'(reasonablyidentifiedwithMarston)withscurrility,cowardice,an-1

plagiarism;thoughthedatesoftheepigramscannotbeascertainedwithcertainty.Jonson'sownstatementofthemattertoDrummondruns:"HehadmanyquarrelswithMarston,beathim,andtookhispistolfromhim,wrotehisPoetasteronhim;thebeginning[s]ofthemwerethatMarstonrepresentedhimonthestage."l

Hereatleastweareoncertainground;andtheprincipalsofthequarrelareknown."Histriomastix,"aplayrevisedbyMarstonin1598,hasbeenregardedastheoneinwhichJonsonwasthus"representedonthestage";althoughthepersonageinquestion,Chrisogonus,apoet,satirist,andtranslator,poorbutproud,andcontemptuousofthe

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commonherd,seemsratheracomplimentaryportraitofJonsonthanacaricature.Astothepersonagesactuallyridiculedin"EveryManOutofHisHumour,"CarloBuffonewasformerlythoughtcertainlytobeMarston,ashewasdescribedas"apublic,scurrilous,andprofanejester,"andelsewhereasthegrandscourgeorseconduntruss[thatis,satirist],ofthetime'(JosephHallbeingbyhisownboastthefirst,andMarston'sworkbeingentitled"TheScourgeofVillainy").ApparentlywemustnowpreferforCarloanotoriouscharacternamedCharlesChester,ofwhomgossipyandinaccurateAubreyrelatesthathewas"aboldimpertinentfellow...aperpetualtalkerandmadeanoiselikeadruminaroom.SoonetimeatatavernSirWalterRaleighbeatshimandsealsuphismouth(thatishisupperandhisnetherbeard)withhardwax.FromhimBenJonsontakeshisCarloBuffone[i.e.,jester]in'EveryManinHisHumour'[sic]."IsitconceivablethatafterallJonsonwasridiculingMarston,andthatthepointofthesatireconsistedinanintentionalconfusionof"thegrandscourgeorseconduntruss'with"thescurrilousandprofane"Chester?

Wehavedigressedintodetailinthisparticularcasetoexemplifythedifficultiesofcriticisminitsattemptstoidentifytheallusionsintheseforgottenquarrels.WeareonsoundergroundoffactinrecordingothermanifestationsofJonson'senmity.In"TheCaseisAltered"thereisclearridiculeinthecharacterAntonioBalladinoofAnthonyMunday,pageant-poetofthecity,translatorofromancesandplaywrightaswell.

1ThebestaccountofthiswholesubjectistobefoundintheeditionofPoetasterandSatiromastrixbyJ.H.PennimaninBellesLettresSeriesshortlytoappear.Seealsohisearlierwork,TheWaroftheTheatres,1892,andtheexcellentcontributionstothesubjectbyH.C.HartinNotesandQueries,andinhiseditionofJonson,1906.

In"EveryManinHisHumour"thereiscertainlyacaricatureofSamuelDaniel,acceptedpoetofthecourt,sonneteer,andcompanionofmenoffashion.ThesemenheldrecognisedpositionstowhichJonsonfelthistalentsbetterentitledhim;theywerehencetohimhisnaturalenemies.Itseemsalmostcertainthathepursuedbothinthepersonagesofhissatirethrough"EveryManOutofHisHumour,"and"Cynthia'sRevels,"DanielunderthecharactersFastidiousBriskandHedon,MundayasPuntarvoloandAmorphus;butintheselastweventureonquagmireoncemore.Jonson'sliteraryrivalryofDanielistraceableagainandagain,intheentertainmentsthatwelcomedKingJamesonhiswaytoLondon,inthemasquesatcourt,andinthepastoraldrama.AstoJonson'spersonalambitionswithrespecttothesetwomen,itisnotablethathebecame,notpageant-poet,butchronologertotheCityofLondon;andthat,ontheaccessionofthenewking,hecamesoontotriumphoverDanielastheacceptedentertainerofroyalty.

"Cynthia'sRevels,"thesecond"comicalsatire,"wasactedin1600,and,asaplay,isevenmorelengthy,elaborate,andimpossiblethan"EveryManOutofHisHumour."Herepersonalsatireseemstohaveabsorbedeverything,andwhilemuchofthecaricatureisadmirable,especiallyinthedetailofwittyandtrenchantlysatiricaldialogue,thecentralideaofafountainofself-loveisnotverywellcarriedout,andthepersonsrevertattimestoabstractions,theactiontoallegory.ItaddstoourwonderthatthisdifficultdramashouldhavebeenactedbytheChildrenofQueenElizabeth'sChapel,amongthemNathanielFieldwithwhomJonsonreadHoraceandMartial,andwhomhetaughtlaterhowtomakeplays.AnotheroftheseprecociouslittleactorswasSalathielPavy,whodiedbeforehewasthirteen,

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alreadyfamedfortakingthepartsofoldmen.HimJonsonimmortalisedinoneofthesweetestofhisepitaphs.Aninterestingsidelightisthisonthecharacterofthisredoubtableandruggedsatirist,thatheshouldthushavebefriendedandtenderlyrememberedtheselittletheatricalwaifs,someofwhom(asweknow)hadbeenliterallykidnappedtobepressedintotheserviceofthetheatreandwhippedtotheconningoftheirdifficultparts.TothecaricatureofDanielandMundayin"Cynthia'sRevels"mustbeaddedAnaides(impudence),hereassuredlyMarston,andAsotus(theprodigal),interpretedasLodgeor,moreperilously,Raleigh.Crites,likeAsper-Macilcntein"EveryManOutof

HisHumour,"isJonson'sself-complaisantportraitofhimself,thejust,whollyadmirable,andjudiciousscholar,holdinghisheadhighabovethepackoftheyelpingcursofenvyanddetraction,butcarelessoftheirpunyattacksonhisperfectionswithonlytoomindfulaneglect.

Thethirdandlastofthe"comicalsatires"is"Poetaster,"acted,oncemore,bytheChildrenoftheChapelin1601,andJonson'sonlyavowedcontributiontothefray.Accordingtotheauthor'sownaccount,thisplaywaswritteninfifteenweeksonareportthathisenemieshadentrustedtoDekkerthepreparationof"Satiromastix,theUntrussingoftheHumorousPoet,"adramaticattackuponhimself.InthisattempttoforestallhisenemiesJonsonsucceeded,and"Poetaster"wasanimmediateanddeservedsuccess.Whilehardlymorecloselyknitinstructurethanitsearliercompanionpieces,"Poetaster'isplannedtoleaduptotheludicrousfinalsceneinwhich,afteradeviceborrowedfromthe"Lexi-phanes"ofLucian,theoffendingpoetaster,Marston-Crispinus,ismadetothrowupthedifficultwordswithwhichhehadoverburdenedhisstomachaswellasoverlardedhisvocabulary.IntheendCrispinuswithhisfellow,Dekker-Demetrius,isboundovertokeepthepeaceandneverthenceforward"malign,traduce,ordetractthepersonorwritingsofQuintusHoratiusFlaccus[Jonson]oranyothereminentmantranscendingyouinmerit."OneofthemostdivertingpersonagesinJonson'scomedyisCaptainTucca."Hispeculiarity'hasbeenwelldescribedbyWardas"abuoyantblackguardismwhichrecoversitselfinstantaneouslyfromthemostcompleteexposure,andapicturesquenessofspeechlikethatofawalkingdictionaryofslang."

Itwasthischaracter,CaptainTucca,thatDekkerhituponinhisreply,"Satiromastix,"andheamplifiedhim,turninghisabusivevocabularybackuponJonsonandadding"animmodestytohisdialoguethatdidnotenterintoJonson'sconception."Ithasbeenheld,altogetherplausibly,thatwhenDekkerwasengagedprofessionally,sotospeak,towriteadramaticreplytoJonson,hewasatworkonaspeciesofchroniclehistory,dealingwiththestoryofWalterTerillinthereignofWilliamRufus.Thishehurriedlyadaptedtoincludethesatiricalcharacterssuggestedby"Poetaster,"andfashionedtoconveythesatireofhisreply.TheabsurdityofplacingHoraceinthecourtofaNormankingistheresult.ButDekker'splayisnotwithoutitspalpablehitsatthe

arrogance,theliterarypride,andself-righteousnessofJonson-Horace,whose"ningle"orpal,theabsurdAsiniusBubo,hasrecentlybeenshowntofigureforth,inalllikelihood,Jonson'sfriend,thepoetDrayton.Slightandhastilyadaptedasis"Satiromastix,"especiallyinacomparisonwiththebetterwroughtandmoresignificantsatireof"Poetaster,"thetownawardedthepalmtoDekker,nottoJonson;andJonsongaveoverinconsequencehis

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practiceof"comicalsatire."ThoughJonsonwascitedtoappearbeforetheLordChiefJusticetoanswercertainchargestotheeffectthathehadattackedlawyersandsoldiersin"Poetaster,"nothingcameofthiscomplaint.Itmaybesuspectedthatmuchofthisfuriousclatterandgive-and-takewaspureplayingtothegallery.Thetownwasagogwiththestrife,andonnolessanauthoritythanShakespeare("Hamlet,"ii.2),welearnthatthechildren'scompany(actingtheplaysofJonson)did"soberattlethecommonstages...thatmany,wearingrapiers,areafraidofgoose-quills,anddarescarcecomethither."

Severalotherplayshavebeenthoughttobearagreaterorlesspartinthewarofthetheatres.Amongthemthemostimportantisacollegeplay,entitled"TheReturnfromParnassus,"dating1601-02.Initamuch-quotedpassagemakesBurbage,asacharacter,declare:"Whyhere'sourfellowShakespeareputsthemalldown;ayeandBenJonson,too.OthatBenJonsonisapestilentfellow;hebroughtupHorace,givingthepoetsapill,butourfellowShakespearehathgivenhimapurgethatmadehimbewrayhiscredit."WasShakespearethenconcernedinthiswarofthestages?Andwhatcouldhavebeenthenatureofthis"purge"?Amongseveralsuggestions,"TroilusandCressida"hasbeenthoughtbysometobetheplayinwhichShakespearethus"putdown"hisfriend,Jonson.Awiserinterpretationfindsthe"purge"in"Satiromastix,"which,thoughnotwrittenbyShakespeare,wasstagedbyhiscompany,andthereforewithhisapprovalandunderhisdirectionasoneoftheleadersofthatcompany.

ThelastyearsofthereignofElizabeththussawJonsonrecognisedasadramatistsecondonlytoShakespeare,andnotsecondeventohimasadramaticsatirist.ButJonsonnowturnedhistalentstonewfields.Playsonsubjectsderived-fromclassicalstoryandmythhadheldthestagefromthebeginningofthedrama,soth.iiSh.ikcspearewasmakingnonewdeparturewhenhewrotehis"JuliusCaesar"about1600

ThereforewhenJonsonstaged"Sejanus,"threeyearslaterandwithShakespeare'scompanyoncemore,hewasonlyfollowingintheelderdramatist'sfootsteps.ButJonson'sideaofaplayonclassicalhistory,ontheonehand,andShakespeare'sandtheelderpopulardramatists,ontheother,wereverydifferent.Heywoodsomeyearsbeforehadputfivestragglingplaysonthestageinquicksuccession,allderivedfromstoriesinOvidanddramatisedwithlittletasteordiscrimination.Shakespearehadafinerconceptionofform,butevenhewascontentedtotakeallhisancienthistoryfromNorth'stranslationofPlutarchanddramatisehissubjectwithoutfurtherinquiry.Jonsonwasascholarandaclassicalantiquarian.Hereprobatedthisslipshodamateurishness,andwrotehis"Sejanus"likeascholar,readingTacitus,Suetonius,andotherauthorities,tobecertainofhisfacts,hissetting,andhisatmosphere,andsomewhatpedanticallynotinghisauthoritiesinthemarginwhenhecametoprint.'Sejanus"isatragedyofgenuinedramaticpowerinwhichistoldwithdiscriminatingtastethestoryofthehaughtyfavouriteofTiberiuswithhistragicaloverthrow.OurdramapresentsnotruernormorepainstakingrepresentationofancientRomanlifethanmaybefoundinJonson's"Sejanus"and"CatilinehisConspiracy,"whichfollowedin1611.Apassageintheaddressoftheformerplaytothereader,inwhichJonsonreferstoacollaborationinanearlierversion,hasledtothesurmisethatShakespearemayhavebeenthat"worthierpen."Thereisnoevidencetodeterminethematter.

In1605,wefindJonsoninactivecollaborationwithChapmanandMarstonintheadmirable

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comedyofLondonlifeentitled"EastwardHoe."Inthepreviousyear,Marstonhaddedicatedhis"Malcontent,"intermsoffervidadmiration,toJonson;sothatthewoundsofthewarofthetheatresmusthavebeenlongsincehealed.BetweenJonsonandChapmantherewasthekinshipofsimilarscholarlyideals.Thetwocontinuedfriendsthroughoutlife."EastwardHoe"achievedtheextraordinarypopularityrepresentedinademandforthreeissuesinoneyear.Butthiswasnotdueentirelytothemeritsoftheplay.Initsearliestversionapassagewhichanirritablecourtierconceivedtobederogatorytohisnation,theScots,sentbothChapmanandJonsontojail;butthematterwassoonpatchedup,forbythistimeJonsonhadinfluenceatcourt.

WiththeaccessionofKingJames,Jonsonb^ganhislongandsuccessfulcareerasawriterofmasques.Hewrotemoremasquesthanallhiscompetitorstogether,andtheyareofanextraordinaryvarietyandpoeticexcellence.Jonsondidnotinventthemasque;forsuchpremeditateddevicestosetandframe,sotospeak,acourtballhadbeenknownandpractisedinvaryingdegreesofelaborationlongbeforehistime.ButJonsongavedramaticvaluetothemasque,especiallyinhisinventionoftheantimasque,acomedyorfarcicalelementofrelief,entrustedtoprofessionalplayersordancers.Heenhanced,aswell,thebeautyanddignityofthoseportionsofthemasqueinwhichnoblelordsandladiestooktheirpartstocreate,bytheirgorgeouscostumesandartisticgroupingandevolutions,asumptuousshow.OnthemechanicalandscenicsideJonsonhadaninventiveandingeniouspartnerinInigoJones,theroyalarchitect,whomorethananyonemanraisedthestandardofstagerepresentationintheEnglandofhisday.JonsoncontinuedactiveintheserviceofthecourtinthewritingofmasquesandotherentertainmentsfarintothereignofKingCharles;but,towardstheend,aquarrelwithJonesembitteredhislife,andthetwotestyoldmenappeartohavebecomenotonlyaconstantirritationtoeachother,butintolerableboresatcourt.In"Hymenaei,""TheMasqueofQueens,""LoveFreedfromIgnorance,""LoversmadeMen.""PleasureReconciledtoVirtue,"andmanymorewillbefoundJonson'saptitude,histaste,hispoetryandinventivenessintheseby-formsofthedrama;whilein"TheMasqueofChristmas,"and"TheGipsiesMetamorphosed"especially,isdiscoverablethatpowerofbroadcomedywhich,atcourtaswellasinthecity,wasnottheleastelementofJonson'scontemporarypopularity.

ButJonsonhadbynomeansgivenupthepopularstagewhenheturnedtotheamusementofKingJames.Ini-"Yolpone"wasproduced,"TheSilentWoman"in1609,"TheAlchemist'inthefollowingyear.Thesecomedies,with"BartholomewFair,"1614,representJonsonathisheight,andforconstructivecleverness,charactersuccessfullyconceivedinthemannerofcaricature.\\-\\am!brilliancyofdialogue,theystandaloneiuFuglishdrama."Yolpciu',ortheFox,"is,inasense,atransitionplayfromtic-dramaticsatiresofthe\varofthetheatrestothepurercomedyrepresentedintheplaysnamedabove.Itssub]--t[5,(Mniggleofwitappliedtochicanery;foramongit>thanuilisperson,r.

fromthevillainousFoxhimself,hisrascallyservantMosca,Voltore(thevulture),CorbaccioandCorvino(thebigandthelittleraven),toSirPoliticWould-beandtherest,thereisscarcelyavirtuouscharacterintheplay.Questionhasbeenraisedastowhetherastorysoforbiddingcanbeconsideredacomedy,for,althoughtheplotendsinthediscomfitureandimprisonmentofthemostvicious,itinvolvesnomortalcatastrophe.ButJonsonwasonsoundhistoricalground,for"Volpone"isconceivedfarmorelogicallyonthelinesoftheancients'theoryofcomedythanwasevertheromanticdramaofShakespeare,however

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repulsivewemayfindaphilosophyoflifethatfacilelydividestheworldintotheroguesandtheirdupes,and,identifyingbrainswithrogueryandinnocencewithfolly,admirestheformerwhileinconsistentlypunishingthem.

"TheSilentWoman"isagiganticfarceofthemostingeniousconstruction.Thewholecomedyhingesonahugejoke,playedbyaheartlessnephewonhismisanthropicuncle,whoisinducedtotaketohimselfawife,young,fair,andwarrantedsilent,butwho,intheend,turnsoutneithersilentnorawomanatall.In"TheAlchemist,"again,wehavetheutmostclevernessinconstruction,thewholefabricbuildingclimaxonclimax,witty,ingenious,andsoplausiblypresentedthatweforgetitsdeparturesfromthepossibilitiesoflife.In"TheAlchemist'Jonsonrepresented,nonethelesstothelife,certainsharpersofthemetropolis,revellingintheirshrewdnessandrascalityandinthevarietyofthestupidityandwickednessoftheirvictims.Wemayobjecttothefactthattheonlypersonintheplaypossessedofascrupleofhonestyisdiscomfited,andthatthegreatestscoundrelofallisapprovedintheendandrewarded.Thecomedyissoadmirablywrittenandcontrived,thepersonagesstandoutwithsuchlifelikedistinctnessintheirseveralkinds,andthewholeisanimatedwithsuchverveandresourcefulnessthat"TheAlchemist"isanewmarveleverytimeitisread.Lastlyofthisgroupcomesthetremendouscomedy,"BartholomewFair,"lessclearcut,lessdefinite,andlessstructurallyworthyofpraisethanitsthreepredecessors,butfullofthekeenestandcleverestofsatireandinventivetoadegreebeyondanyEnglishcomedysavesomeotherofJonson'sown.Itisin"BartholomewFair"thatwearepresentedtotheimmortalcaricatureofthePuritan,Zeal-in-the-LandBusy,andtheLittlewitsthatgroupabouthim,anditisinthis

extraordinarycomedythatthehumourofJonson,alwaysopentothisdanger,loosensintotheRabelaisianmodethatsodelightedKingJamesin"TheGipsiesMetamorphosed."Anothercomedyoflessmeritis"TheDevilisanAss,"actedin1616.ItwasthefailureofthisplaythatcausedJonsontogiveoverwritingforthepublicstageforaperiodofnearlytenyears.

1Volpone'waslaidastosceneinVenice.Whetherbecauseofthesuccessof"EastwardHoe"orforotherreasons,theotherthreecomediesdeclareinthewordsoftheprologueto"TheAlchemist":

OursceneisLondon,'causewewouldmakeknownNocountry'smirthisbetterthanourown.

IndeedJonsonwentfurtherwhenhecametorevisehisplaysforcollectedpublicationinhisfolioof1616,hetransferredthesceneof'EveryManinHisHumour"fromFlorencetoLondonalso,convertingSigniorLorenzodiPazzitoOldKno'well,ProsperotoMasterWelborn,andHespcridatoDameKitely"dwellingi'theOldJewry."

InhiscomediesofLondonlife,despitehistrendtowardscaricature,Jonsonhasshownhimselfagenuinerealist,drawingfromthelifeabouthimwithanexperienceandinsightrareinanygeneration.AhappycomparisonhasbeensuggestedbetweenBenJonsonandCharlesDickens.Bothweremenofthepeople,lowlybornandhardlybred.EachknewtheLondonofhistimeasfewmenknewit;andeachrepresenteditintimatelyandinelaboratedetail.Bothmenwereatheartmoralists,seekingthetruthbytheexaggeratedmethodsof

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humourandcaricature;perverse,evenwrong-headedattimes,butpossessedofatruepathosandlargenessofheart,andwhenallhasbeensaid—thoughtheElizabethanrantosatire,theVictoriantosentimentality—leavingtheworldbetterfortheartthattheypractisedinit.

In1616,theyearofthedeathofShakespeare,Jonsoncollectedhisplays,hispoetry,andhismasquesforpublicationinacollectiveedition.ThiswasanunusualthingatthetimeandhadbeenattemptedbynodramatistbeforeJonson.Thisvolumepublished,inacarefullyrevisedtext,alltheplaysthusfarmentioned,excepting"TheCaseisAltered."whichJonsondidnotacknowledge,"BartholomewEair,"and"TheDevilisanAss,"whichwaswrittentoolate.ItincludedlikewiseabookofsomehundredandthirtyoddE^tgiains,in

whichformofbriefandpungentwritingJonsonwasanacknowledgedmaster;"TheForest,"asmallercollectionoflyricandoccasionalverseandsometenMasquesandEntertainments.InthissameyearJonsonwasmadepoetlaureatewithapensionofonehundredmarksayear.This,withhisfeesandreturnsfromseveralnoblemen,andthesmallearningsofhisplaysmusthaveformedthebulkofhisincome.Thepoetappearstohavedonecertainliteraryhack-workforothers,as,forexample,partsofthePunicWarscontributedtoRaleigh'sHistoryoftheWorld.Weknowfromastory,littletothecreditofeither,thatJonsonaccompaniedRaleigh'ssonabroadinthecapacityofatutor.In1618JonsonwasgrantedthereversionoftheofficeofMasteroftheRevels,apostforwhichhewaspeculiarlyfitted;buthedidnotlivetoenjoyitsperquisites.Jonsonwashonouredwithdegreesbybothuniversities,thoughwhenandunderwhatcircumstancesisnotknown.Ithasbeensaidthathenarrowlyescapedthehonourofknighthood,whichthesatiristsofthedayaverredKingJameswaswonttolavishwithanindiscriminatehand.WorsemenweremadeknightsinhisdaythanworthyBenJonson.

From1616tothecloseofthereignofKingJames,Jonsonproducednothingforthestage.Buthe"prosecuted"whathecalls"hiswontedstudies'withsuchassiduitythathebecameinreality,asbyreport,oneofthemostlearnedmenofhistime.Jonson'stheoryofauthorshipinvolvedawideacquaintancewithbooksand"anability,"asheputit,"toconvertthesubstanceorrichesofanotherpoettohisownuse."AccordinglyJonsonreadnotonlytheGreekandLatinclassicsdowntothelesserwriters,butheacquaintedhimselfespeciallywiththeLatinwritingsofhislearnedcontemporaries,theirproseaswellastheirpoetry,theirantiquitiesandcuriousloreaswellastheirmoresolidlearning.Thoughapoorman,Jonsonwasanindefatigablecollectorofbooks.HetoldDrummondthat"theEarlofPembrokesenthim£20everyfirstdayofthenewyeartobuynewbooks."Unhappily,in1623,hislibrarywasdestroyedbyfire,anaccidentserio-comicallydescribedinhiswittypoem,"AnExecrationuponVulcan."Yetevennowabookturnsupfromtimetotimeonwhichisinscribed,infairlargeItalianlettering,thename,BenJonson.WithrespecttoJonson'suseofhismaterial,Drydensaidmemorablyofhim:"[He]wasnotonlyaprofessedimitatorofHorace,butalearnedplagiaryofallthe

others;youtrackhimeverywhereintheirsnow....Buthehasdonehisrobberiessoopenlythatoneseeshefearsnottobetaxedbyanylaw.Heinvadesauthorslikeamonarch,andwhatwouldbetheftinotherpoetsisonlyvictoryinhim."AndyetitisbutfairtosaythatJonsonpridedhimself,andjustly,onhisoriginality.In"Catiline,"henotonlyusesSallust'saccountoftheconspiracy,buthemodelssomeofthespeechesofCiceroontheRoman

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orator'sactualwords.In"Poetaster,"heliftsawholesatireoutofHoraceanddramatisesiteffectivelyforhispurposes.ThesophistLibaniussuggeststhesituationof"TheSilentWoman";aLatincomedyofGiordanoBruno,"IICandelaio,"therelationofthedupesandthesharpersin"TheAlchemist,"the"Mostellaria"ofPlautus,itsadmirableopeningscene.ButJonsoncommonlybetteredhissources,andputtingthestampofhissovereigntyonwhateverbullionheborrowedmadeitthenceforwardtoalltimecurrentandhisown.

ThelyricandespeciallytheoccasionalpoetryofJonsonhasapeculiarmerit.Histheorydemandeddesignandtheperfectionofliteraryfinish.Hewasfurthestfromtherhap-sodistandthecarelesssingerofanidleday;andhebelievedthatApollocouldonlybeworthilyservedinsingingrobesandlaurelcrowned.AndyetmanyofJonson'slyricswillliveaslongasthelanguage.Whodoesnotknow"Queenandhuntress,chasteandfair,""Drinktomeonlywiththineeyes,"or"Stilltobeneat,stilltobedressed"?Beautifulinform,deftandgracefulinexpression,withnotawon!toomuchoronethatbearsnotitspartinthetotaleffect,thereisyetaboutthelyricsofJonsonacertainstiffnessandformality,asuspicionthattheywerenotquitespontaneousandunbidden,butthattheywerecarved,sotospeak,withdisproportionatelabourbyapotentmanofletterswhosehabitualthoughtisongreaterthings.ItisforthesereasonsthatJonsonisevenbetterintheepigramandinoccasional\<whererhetoricalfinishandpointedwitlessinterferewiththespontaneityandemotionwhichweusuallyassociatewithlyricalpoetry.TherearenosuchepitaphsasHenJonson's,witnessthecharmingonesonhisownchildren,onSalathn'lPavy,thechild-actor,andmanymore;andthiseventhoughtherigidlawofmineandthinemustnowrestoretoWilliamBrowneofTavistockthefamouslinesl>'-"inning:"I'nd'T-neaththissablehearJonsonisunsurpassed,too,inthe

ditiicultpoetryofcompliment,seldomlal'.inxintoli<

praiseanddisproportionatesimilitude,yetshowingagainandagainagenerousappreciationofworthinothers,adiscriminatingtasteandagenerouspersonalregard.TherewasnomaninEnglandofhisranksowellknownanduniversallybelovedasBenJonson.Thelistofhisfriends,ofthosetowhomhehadwrittenverses,andthosewhohadwrittenversestohim,includesthenameofeverymanofprominenceintheEnglandofKingJames.Andthetoneofmanyoftheseproductionsdisclosesanaffectionatefamiliaritythatspeaksfortheamiablepersonalityandsoundworthofthelaureate.In1619,growingunwieldythroughinactivity,JonsonhitupontheheroicremedyofajourneyafoottoScotland.Onhiswaythitherandbackhewashospitablyreceivedatthehousesofmanyfriendsandbythosetowhomhisfriendshadrecommendedhim.WhenhearrivedinEdinburgh,theburgessesmettogranthimthefreedomofthecity,andDrummond,foremostofScottishpoets,wasprondtoentertainhimforweeksashisguestatHawthornden.SomeofthenoblestofJonson'spoemswereinspiredbyfriendship.Suchisthefine"OdetothememoryofSirLuciusGaryandSirHenryMoryson,"andthatadmirablepieceofcriticalinsightandfilialaffection,prefixedtothefirstShakespearefolio,"Tothememoryofmybelovedmaster,WilliamShakespeare,andwhathehathleftus,"tomentiononlythese.Norcantheearlier"Epode,"beginning"Nottoknowviceatall,"bematchedinstatelygravityandgnomicwisdominitsownwiseandstatelyage.

ButifJonsonhaddesertedthestageafterthepublicationofhisfolioanduptotheendofthe

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reignofKingJames,hewasfarfrominactive;foryearafteryearhisinexhaustibleinventivenesscontinuedtocontributetothemasquingandentertainmentatcourt.In"TheGoldenAgeRestored,"PallasturnstheIronAgewithitsattendantevilsintostatueswhichsinkoutofsight;in"PleasureReconciledtoVirtue,"Atlasfiguresrepresentedasanoldman,hisshoulderscoveredwithsnow,andComus,"thegodofcheerorthebelly,"isoneofthecharacters,acircumstancewhichanimaginativeboyoften,namedJohnMilton,wasnottoforget."Pan'sAnniversary,"lateinthereignofJames,proclaimedthatJonsonhadnotyetforgottenhowtowriteexquisitelyrics,and"TheGipsiesMetamorphosed"displayedtheolddrolleryandbroadhumorousstrokestillunimpairedandunmatchable.These,too,andtheearlieryearsofCharleswerethedaysoftheApolloRoomoftheDevilTavernwhereJonsonpresided.

theabsolutemonarchofEnglishliteraryn.>homi.i.\\>hearofaroomblazonedaboutwithJonson'sownjudicious/Convivalesinlettersofgold,ofacompanymadeupofthechoicestspiritsofthetime,devotedlyattachedtotheirveterandictator,hisreminiscences,opinions,affections,andenmitiesAndwehear,too,ofvalorouspotations;but,intheu,,,<-Herrickaddressedtohismaster,Jonson.attheDevilTavern,asattheDog,theTripleTun,andattheMerma;

WesuchclustershadAsmadeusnoblywild,notmad,AndyeteachverseofthineOutdidthemeat,outdidthefrolicwine.

ButthepatronageofthecourtfailedinthedaysofKin-Charles,thoughJonsonwasnotwithoutroyalfavours;andtheoldpoetreturnedtothestage,producing,betwern[625and1633,"TheStapleofNews,""TheNewInn,""1MagneticLady,"and"TheTaleofaTub."thelastdoubt;revisedfromamuchearliercomedy.NoneofthesepUv-metwithanymarkedsuccess,althoughthescathi11.14general!tionofDrydenthatdesignatedthem"Jonson'sdo:unfairtotheirgenuinemerits.Thustheideaofanotiiceforthegathering,properdressing,andpromul-.i:ionofne\\-(wildflightofthefancyinitstime)wasanexcellentsub;forsatireontheexistingabsurditiesamongnew-moalthoughasmuchcanhardlybesaidforTli<-Magn<Lady,"who,inherbounty,drawstoherpersonagesofditti-rim/humourstoreconcilethemintheendaccordingtothealternativetitle,or"HumoursReconciled."TheseListpl.iv-theolddramatistreverttocaricatureandthehardh:allegory;themoralistismorethaneverpresent,tin-satin-degeneratesintopersonallampoon,especiallyofIn-sometimefriend,InigoJones,whoappearsunworthilytohaveusedhi-influenceatcourtagainstthebroken-downoldport.AndnowdiseaseclaimedJonson,andhewasl>--driddenformonthsMehadsucceededMiddletoninioj.sasChronologeitoth»-CityofLondon,butlostthepo-tfornotfulfillingitsdirKingCharlesbefriendedhim,andevenconiiiiis-n.n.-,!himt»writestillfortheentertainmentofth<-«ourl..mdh<-\\withoutthesustaininghandofnol.lepatrons.mddfriendsamongtheyoungerpoetswhowereproudtol>ofthetribeofBen."

Jonsondied,August6,1637,andasecondf<>ho<»thi-w<>rk-

whichhehadbeensometimegathering,wasprintedin1640,bearinginitsvariouspartsdatesrangingfrom1630to1642.Itincludedalltheplaysmentionedintheforegoingparagraphs,excepting"TheCaseisAltered;"themasques,somefifteen,thatdatebetween1617and1630;anothercollectionoflyricsandoccasionalpoetrycalled"Underwoods,

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includingsomefurtherentertainments;atranslationof"Horace'sArtofPoetry"(alsopublishedinavicesimoquartoin1640),andcertainfragmentsandingatheringswhichthepoetwouldhardlyhaveincludedhimself.Theselastcomprisethefragment(lessthanseventylines)ofatragedycalled"MortimerhisFall,"andthreeactsofapastoraldramaofmuchbeautyandpoeticspirit,"TheSadShepherd."ThereisalsotheexceedinglyinterestingEnglishGrammar"madebyBenJonsonforthebenefitofallstrangersoutofhisobservationoftheEnglishlanguagenowspokenandinuse,"inLatinandEnglish;andTimber,orDiscoveries"madeuponmenandmatterastheyhaveflowedoutofhisdailyreading,orhadtheirrefluxtohispeculiarnotionofthetimes."TheDiscoveries,asitisusuallycalled,isacommonplacebooksuchasmanyliterarymenhavekept,inwhichtheirreadingwaschronicled,passagesthattooktheirfancytranslatedortranscribed,andtheirpassingopinionsnoted.ManypassagesofJonson'sDiscoveriesareliteraltranslationsfromtheauthorshechancedtobereading,withthereference,notedornot,astheaccidentofthemomentprescribed.AttimeshefollowsthelineofMacchiavelli'sargumentastothenatureandconductofprinces;atothersheclarifieshisownconceptionofpoetryandpoetsbyrecoursetoAristotle.HefindsachoiceparagraphoneloquenceinSenecatheelderandappliesittohisownrecollectionofBacon'spowerasanorator;andanotheronfacileandreadygenius,andtranslatesit,adaptingittohisrecollectionofhisfellow-playwright,Shakespeare.Tocallsuchpassages—\vhichJonsonneverintendedforpublication-plagiarism,istoobscurethesignificanceofwords.Todisparagehismemorybycitingthemisapreposteroususeofscholarship.Jonson'sprose,bothinhisdramas,inthedescriptivecommentsofhismasques,andintheDiscoveries,ischaracterisedbyclarityandvigorousdirectness,norisitwantinginafinesenseofformorinthesubtlergracesofdiction.

WhenJonsondiedtherewasaprojectforahandsomemonumenttohismemory.ButtheCivilWarwasathand,

andtheprojectfailed.Amemorial,notinsufficient,wascarvedonthestonecoveringhisgraveinoneoftheaislesofWestminsterAbbey:

"OrareBenJonson."

FELIXE.SCHELLING.

SELECTBIBLIOGRAPHY

DRAMAS.EveryManinhisHumour,4to,1601;TheCaseisAltered,4to,1609;EveryManoutofhisHumour,410,1600;Cynthia'sRevels,4to,1601;Poetaster,4to,1602;Sejanus,4to,1605;EastivardHo(withChapmanandMarston),4to,1605;Volpone,4to,1607;Epicoene,ortheSilentWoman,4to,1609(?),fol.,1616;TheAlchemist,4to,1612;Catiline,hisConspiracy,4to,1611;BartholomewFayre,4to,1614(?),fol.,1631;TheDivellisanAsse,fol.,1631;TheStapleofNewes,fol.,1631;TheNewSun,8vo,1631,fol.,1692;TheMagneticLady,orHumoursReconcild,fol.,1640;ATaleofaTub,fol.,1640;TheSadShepherd,oraTaleofRobinHood,fol.,1641;MortimerhisFall(fragment),fol.,1640.

ToJonsonhavealsobeenattributedadditionstoKyd'sJeronymo,andcollaborationinTheWidowwithFletcherandMiddleton,andintheBloodyBrotherwithFletcher.

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POEMS.Epigrams,TheForrest,Underwoods,publishedinfols.,1616,1640;Selections:ExecrationagainstVulcan,andEpigrams,1640;G.Hor.FlaccushisartofPoetry,EnglishedbyBenJonson,1640;LegesConvivialis,fol.,1692.OtherminorpoemsfirstappearedinGifiord'seditionofWorks.

PROSE.Timber,orDiscoveriesmadeuponMenandMatter,fol.,1641;TheEnglishGrammar,madebyBenJonsonforthebenefitofstrangers,fol.,1640.

MasquesandEntertainmentswerepublishedintheearlyfolios.

WORKS.Fol.,1616,vol.2,1640(1631-41);fol.,1692,1716-19,1729;editedbyP.Whalley,7vols.,1756;byGifford(withMemoir),9vols.,1816,1846;re-editedbyF.Cunningham,3vols.,1871;in9vols.,1875;byBarryCornwall(withMemoir),1838;byB.Nicholson(MermaidSeries),withIntroductionbyC.H.Herford,1893,etc.;NinePlays,1904;ed.H.C.Hart(StandardLibrary),1906,etc.;PlaysandPoems,withIntroductionbyH.Morley(UniversalLibrary),1885;Plays(7)andPot-ins(Xf-wnes),1905;Poems,withMemoirbyH.Bennett(CarltonClassics),1907;MasquesandEntertainments,ed.byH.Morley,1890.

SELECTIONS.J.A.Symonds,withBiographicalandCriticalEss.iv(CanterburyPoets),1886;Grosart:BraveTranslunaryThings,1895;Arl.fr:JonsonAnthology,1901;Underwoods:CambridgeUniversityPress,1905;Lyrics(Jonson,BeaumontandFletcher),TheChapBooks,No.4,1906;Songs(fromPlays,Masques,etc.),withearliestknownsetting,IignyPress,1906.

BIOGRAPHYANDCRITICISM.A.C.Swinburne:AStudyofBenJons/m,1884;L.C.Knights:l);\nn/iandSocietyintiu'AgeofJonson,1937;G.13.Johnston:lit'nJonson,poet,19-15;G.li.Ijrntlry:Shakespeareand1945-

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DRAMATISPERSONS

LORENZOSENIOR.PROSPERO.THORELI.O.GIULIANO.

LORENZOJUNIOR.STEPHANO.DOCTORCLEMENTBOBADILLA.

BlAN'CHA.

HESPEKIDA.

PETO.

Musco.

COB.

MATHEO.Piso.TIB.

ACTI

SCEXEI.—EnterLORENZODIPAZZIsenior,Musco.

Lor.se.Nowtrustme,here'sagoodlydaytoward.Musco,callupmysonLorenro;bidhimrise;tellhim,Ihavesomebusinesstoemployhimin.

Mus.Iwill,sir,presently.

Lor.se.Buthearyou,sirrah;Ifhebeatstudydisturbhimnot.

MILS.Verygood,sir.[ExitMusco.

Lor.se.Howhappywould1estimatemyself,CouldIbyanymeansretiremyson,Fromonevaincourseofstudyheaffects!Heisascholar(ifamanmaytrustTheliberalvoiceofdouble-tonguedreport)Ofdearaccount,inallourAcademies.YetthispositionmustnotbreedinmeAfastopinionthathecannoterr.Myselfwasonceastudent,andindeedFedwiththeself-samehumourheisnow,DreamingonnoughtbutidlePoetry;

Butsince,Experiencehathawakedmyspirits,[EnterSTEFFIANO.Andreasontaughtthem,howtocomprehendThesovereignuseofstudy.What,cousinStephano!Whatnewswithyou,thatyouareheresoearly?

Step.Nothing:bute'encometoseehowyoudo,uncle.

Lor.se.That'skindlydone;youarewelcome,cousin.

Step.Ay,Iknowthat,sir,Iwouldnothavecomeelse:howdothravcousin,uncle?

*/

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Lor.se.Oh,well,well,goinandsee;Idoubthe'sscarcestirringyet.

Step.Uncle,aforeIgoin,canyoutellmeanhehavee'eralioi)kofthesciencesofhawkingandhunting?Iwouldfainborrowit.

Lor.se.Why,Ihopeyouwillnotahawkingnow,willyou?

Step.No,wusse;butI'llpractiseagainstnextyear;Ihave

1Theearlierversionofthecomedyishereforthefirsttimeplar*<1altheheadoftheplays.Thelater,superior,andmorefamiliarAnglicisedversion,followsattheendofthevolume.

BenJonson'sPlays

boughtmeahawk,andbellsandall;Ilacknothingbutabooktokeepitby.

Lor.se.Oh,mostridiculous.

Step.Nay,lookyounow,youareangry,uncle,why,youknow,anamanhavenotskillinhawkingandhuntingnow-a-days,I'llnotgivearushforhim;heisfornogentleman'scompany,and(byGod'swill)Iscornit,ay,soIdo,tobeaconsortforeveryhum-drum;hangthemscroyles,there'snothinginthemintheworld,whatdoyoutalkonit?agentlemanmustshewhimselflikeagentleman.Uncle,Iprayyoubenotangry,IknowwhatIhavetodo,Itrow,Iamnonovice.

Lor.se.Goto,youareaprodigal,andself-willedfool.Nay,neverlookatme,it'sIthatspeak,Take'tasyouwill,I'llnotflatteryou.What?haveyounotmeansenowtowasteThatwhichyourfriendshaveleftyou,butyoumustGocastawayyourmoneyonaBuzzard,Andknownothowtokeepitwhenyouhavedone?Oh,it'sbrave,thiswillmakeyouagentleman,Well,cousin,well,Iseeyouaree'enpasthopeOfallreclaim;ay,so,nowyouaretoldonit,youlookanotherway.

Step.Whatwouldyouhavemedo,trow?

Lor.WhatwouldIhaveyoudo?marry,Learntobewise,andpractisehowtothrive,ThatIwouldhaveyoudo,andnottospendYourcrownsoneveryonethathumoursyou:IwouldnothaveyoutointrudeyourselfIneverygentleman'ssociety,Tilltheiraffectionsoryourowndessert,Doworthilyinviteyoutotheplace.Forhethat'ssorespectlessinhiscourses,Oftsellshisreputationvileandcheap.LetnotyourcarriageandbehaviourtasteOfaffectation,lestwhileyoupretendTomakeablazeofgentrytotheworldAlittlepuffofscornextinguishit,Andyoubeleftlikeanunsavourysnuff,Whosepropertyisonlytooffend.Cousin,laybysuchsuperficialforms,Andentertainaperfectrealsubstance;Standnotsomuchonyourgentility,Butmoderateyourexpenses(nowatfirst)Asyoumaykeepthesameproportionstill:Bearalowsail.Soft,who'sthiscomeshere?[EnteraServant.

Ser.Gentlemen,Godsaveyou.

Step.Welcome,goodfriend;wedonotstandmuchuponourgentility,yetIcanassureyoumineuncleisamanofathousandpoundlandayear;hehathbutonesoninthe\\orld;Iam

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hisnextheir,assimpleasIstandhere,ifmycousindie.Ihaveafail'livingofmineowntoobeside.

Ser.Ingoodtime,sir.

Step.Ingoodtime,sir!youdonotfloutme,doyou?

Ser.NotI,sir.

Step.Anyoushould,herebethemcanperceiveit,andthatquicklytoo.Goto;andtheycangiveitagainsoundly,anneedbe.

Ser.Why,sir,letthissatisfyyou.Goodfaith,Ihadnosuchintent.

Step.ByGod,anIthoughtyouhad,sir,Iwouldtalkwithyou.

Ser.Soyoumay,sir,andatyourpleasure.

Step.AndsoIwould,sir,anyouwereoutofmineuncle'sground,Icantellyou.

Lor.se.Why,hownow,cousin,willthisne'erbeleft?

Step.Whoreson,basefellow,byGod'slid,an'twerenotforshame,Iwould—

Lor.se.Whatwouldyoudo?youperemptoryass,Anyou'llnotbequiet,getyouhence.Yousee,thegentlemancontainshimselfInmodestlimits,givingnoreplyToyourunseason'drudecomparatives:Yetyou'lldemeanyourselfwithoutrespectEitherofdutyorhumanity.

Go,getyouin:'foreGod,Iamasham'd[ExitStep.

Thouhastakinsman'sinterestinme.

Ser.Iprayyou,sir,isthisPazzihouse?

Lor.se.Yes,marryisit,sir.

Ser.Ishouldenquireforagentlemanhere,oneSigniorLorenzodiPazzi;doyouknowanysuch,sir,Iprayyou?

Lor.se.Yessir;orelseIshouldforgetmyself.

Ser.Icryyoumercy,sir,IwasrequestedbyagentlemanofFlorence(havingsomeoccasiontoridethisway)todeliveryouthisletter.

Lor.se.Tome,sir?Whatdoyoumean?Iprayyourememberyourcourt'sy.

Tohisdearandmostselectedfriend,SigniorLorenzodiPazzi.Whatmightthegentleman'snamebe,sir,thatsentit?Nay,prayy<>ubecovered.

Ser.SigniorProspero.

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Lor.se.SigniorProspero?AyounggentlemanofthefamilyofSlrozzi,ishenot?

Ser.Ay,sir,thesame:SigniorThorcllo,therichFlorpntinemerchantmarriedhissister.[EnterAii.scu.

L«r.se.Yousayverytrue.—Musco.

J///.s.Sir.

L<>r.se.Makethisgentlemandrinkhere.

^Prayyoug°in,sir,an'tpli-a.seyou.|/•;.,-,„„/.

Xou-(withoutdoii!)t)thisletter'stomyson.Well,allisone:I'llbesoboldasreadit,Beitbutforthestyletssake,andthephrase;Bothwhich(Idopresume)areexcellent,Andgreatlyvariedfromthevulgarform,

BenJonson'sPlays

IfProsperousinventiongavethemlife.Hownow!whatstunishere?

SirLorenzo,/musewecannotseeiheeatFlorence:'Sblood,Idoubt,ApollohathgottheetobehisIngle,thattlioucomestnotabroad,tovisitthineoldfriends:well,takeheedofhim;hemaydosomewhatforhishouseholdservants,orso;ButforhisRetainers,Iamsure,Ihaveknownsomeofthem,thathavefollowedhim,three,four,fiveyearstogether,scorningtheworldwiththeirbareheels,andatlengthbeengladforashift(thoughnocleanshift)tolieawholewinter,inhalfasheetcursingCharles'wain,andtherestofthestarsintolerably.But(quiscontradiuos?)well;Sir,sweetvillain,comeandseeme;butspendoneminuteinmycompany,and'tisenough:IthinkIhaveaworldofgoodjestsforthee:oh,sir,Icanshewtheetwoofthemostperfect,rareandabsolutetrueGulls,thateverthousaw'st,ifthouwiltcome.'Sblood,inventsomefamousmemorablelie,orother,toflapthyFatherinthemouthwithal:thouhastbeenfatherofathousand,inthydays,thoucould'stbenoPoetelse:anyscurvyroguishexcusewillserve;saythoucom'stbuttofetchwoolforthineInk-horn.Andthen,too,thyFatherwillsaythywitsareawool-gathering.Butit'snomatter;theworse,thebetter.Anythingisgoodenoughfortheoldman.Sir,howifthyFathershouldseethisnow?whatwouldhethinkofme?Well,(howeverIwritetothee)Ireverencehiminmysoul,forthegeneralgoodallFlorencedeliversofhim.Lorenzo,7conjurethee(bywhat,letmesee)bythedepthofourlove,byallthestrangesightswehaveseeninourdays,(ay,ornightseither,)tocometometoFlorencethisday.Goto,youshallcome,andletyourMusesgospinforonce.Ifthouwiltnot,'shart,what'syourgod'sname?Apollo?Ay,Apollo.//thismelancholyrogue(Lorenzohere)donotcome,grant,thatTiedoturnFoolpresently,andneverhereafterbeabletomakeagoodjest,orablankverse,butliveinmorepenuryofwitandinvention,thaneithertheHall-Beadle,orPoetNuntius.

Well,itisthestrangestletterthateverIread.Isthistheman,mysonsoofthathpraisedTobethehappiest,andmostpreciouswitThateverwasfamiliarwithArt?Now,byourLady'sblessedson,Iswear,IratherthinkhimmostunfortunateInthepossessionofsuchholygifts,Beingthemasterofsolooseaspirit.Why,whatunhallowedruffianwouldhavewrit

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Withsoprofaneapenuntohisfriend?Themodestpapere'enlookspaleforgrief,Tofeelhervirgin-cheekdefiledandstainedWithsuchablackandcriminalinscription.Well,IhadthoughtmysoncouldnothavestrayedSofarfromjudgmentastomarthimselfThuscheaplyintheopentradeofscornTojeeringfollyandfantastichumour.ButnowIseeopinionisafool,Andhathabusedmysenses.—Musco.[EnterMusco.

Mus.Sir.

Lor.se.What,isthefellowgonethatbroughtthisletter?

Mus.Yes,sir,aprettywhilesince.

Lor.se.Andwhere'sLorenzo?

Mas.Inhischamber,sir.

Lor.se.Hespakenotwiththefellow,didhe?

Mus.No,sir,hesawhimnot.

Lor.se.Then,Musco,takethisletter,anddeliveritnntoLorenzo:but,sirrah,onyourlifetakeyounoknowledgeIhaveopenedit.

Mus.0Lord,sir,thatwereajestindeed.[L'^UMus.

Lor.se.Iamresolv'dIwillnotcrosshisjourney,NorwillIpractiseanyviolentmeansTostaythehotandlustycourseofyouth.Foryouthrestrainedstraightgrowsimpatient,And,incondition,likeaneagerdog,Who,ne'ersolittlefromhisgamewithheld,Turnsheadandleapsupathismaster'sthroat.ThereforeI'llstudy,bysomemilderdrift,Tocallmysonuntoahappiershrift.[Exit.

SCENEII.—EnterLORENZOjunior,withMusro.

Mus.Yes,sir,onmywordheopenedit,andreadthecontents.

Lor.ju.Itscarcecontentsmethathedidso.But,Musco,didstthouobservehiscountenanceinthereadingofit,whetherhewereangryorpleased?

Mus.Why,sir,Isawhimnotreadit.

Lor.ju.No?howknowestthouthenthatheopenedit?

Mus.Marry,sir,becausehecharg'dmeonmylifetotellnobodythatheopenedit,which,unlesshehaddone,hewouldneverfeartohaveitrevealed.

Lor.ju.That'strue:well,Musco,hietheeinagain,Lestthyprotractedabsencedolendlight,[EnterSTEPHANO.

Todarksuspicion:Musco,beassuredI'llnotforgetthisthyrespectivelove.

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Step.Oh,Musco,didstthounotseeafellowhereinawhat-sha-call-himdoublet;hebroughtmineunclealetterevennow?

Mus.Yes,sir,whatofhim?

Step.Whereishe,canstthoutell?

Mus.Why,heisgone.

Step.Gone?whichway?whenwenthe?howlongsinoe?

Mus.It'salmosthalfanhouragosinceherodehence.

Step.Whoresonscanderbagrogue;ohthatIhadahorse;byGod'slid,I'dfetchhimbackagain,withheaveandho.

Mus.Why,youmayhavemymaster'sbaygelding,anyouwill.

Step.ButIhavenoboots,that'sthespiteonit.

Mus.Thenit'snoboottofollowhim.Lethimgoandhang,sir.

Step.Ay,bymytroth:.17//.sro,Ipraytheehelptotrussmealittle;nothingangersme,butIluive(raitedsuchawhileforhimallun-lac'danduntrussedyonder;anduoutosueheisgonetheotherway.

BenJonson'sPlays

Mus.Nay,Iprayyoustandstill,sir.

Step.Iwill,Iwill:oh,howitvexesme.

Mus.Tut,nevervexyourselfwiththethoughtofsuchabasefellowashe.

Step,Nay,toseehestooduponpointswithmetoo.

Mus.Likeenoughso;thatwasbecausehesawyouhadsofewatyourhose.

Step.What!Hastthoudone?Godaraercy,goodMusco.

Mus.Imarie,sir,youwearsuchill-favouredcoarsestockings,havingsogoodalegasyouhave.

Step.Foh!thestockingsbegoodenoughforthistimeoftheyear;butI'llhaveapairofsilk,e'eritbelong:Ithinkmylegwouldshewwellinasilkhose.

Mus.Ay,aforeGod,wouldit,rarelywell.

Step.InsadnessIthinkitwould:Ihaveareasonablegoodleg?

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Mus.Youhaveanexcellentgoodleg,sir:Iprayyoupardonme,Ihavealittlehastein,sir.

Step.Athousandthanks,goodMusco.[Exit.

What,Ihopehelaughsnotatme;anhedo—

Lor.ju.Hereisastyleindeed,foraman'ssensestoleapover,e'ertheycomeatit:why,itisabletobreaktheshinsofanyoldman'spatienceintheworld.Myfatherreadthiswithpatience?ThenwillIbemadeanEunuch,andlearntosingBallads.Idonotdeny,butmyfathermayhaveasmuchpatienceasanyotherman;forheusedtotakephysic,andofttakingphysicmakesamanaverypatientcreature.But,SigniorProspero,hadyourswaggeringEpistleherearrivedinmyfather'shandsatsuchanhourofhispatience,Imean,whenhehadtakenphysic,itistobedoubtedwhetherIshouldhavereadsweetvillainhere.But,what?Mywisecousin;Naythen,I'llfurnishourfeastwithoneGullmoretowardamess;hewritestomeoftwo,andhere'sone,that'sthree,ffaith.Ohforafourth!now,Fortune,ornever,Fortune!

Step.Oh,nowIseewhohelaughedat:helaughedatsomebodyinthatletter.Bythisgoodlight,anhehadlaughedatme,Iwouldhavetoldmineuncle.

Lor.ju.CousinStephano:goodmorrow,goodcousin,howfareyou?

Step.Thebetterforyourasking,Iwillassureyou.Ihavebeenallabouttoseekyou.SinceIcameIsawmineuncle;andi'faithhowhaveyoudonethisgreatwhile?GoodLord,bymytroth,Iamgladyouarewell,cousin.

Lor.ju.AndIamasgladofyourcoming,Iprotesttoyou,forIamsentforbyaprivategentleman,mymostspecialdearfriend,tocometohimtoFlorencethismorning,andyoushallgowithme,cousin,ifitpleaseyou,notelse,Iwillenjoinyounofurtherthanstandswithyourownconsent,andtheconditionofafriend.

Step.Why,cousin,youshallcommandmean'tweretwicesofarasFlorence,todoyougood;what,doyouthinkIwillnotgowithyou?Iprotest—

Lor.ju.NajT,nay,youshallnotprotest.

EveryManinHisHumour

Step.ByGod,butIwill,sir,byyourleaveI'llprotestmoretomyfriendthanI'llspeakofatthistime.

Lor.ju.Youspeakverywell,sir.

Step.Nay,notsoneither,butIspeaktoservemyturn.

Lor.ju.Yourturn?why,cousin,agentlemanofsofairsortasyouare,ofsotruecarriage,sospecialgoodparts;ofsodearandchoiceestimation;onewhoselowestconditionbearsthestampofagreatspirit;naymore,amansograced,gilded,orrather,touseamorefitmetaphor,tinfoiledbynature;notthatyouhavealeadenconstitution,coz,althoughperhaps

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alittleincliningtothattemper,andsothemoreapttomeltwithpity,whenyoufallintothefireofrage,butforyourlustreonly,whichreflectsasbrighttotheworldasanoldale-wife'spewteragainagoodtime;andwillyounow,withnicemodesty,hidesuchrealornamentsasthese,andshadowtheirgloryasamilliner'swifedothherwroughtstomacher,withasmokylawnorablackCyprus?Come,come;forshamedonotwrongthequalityofyourdessertinsopoorakind;butlettheideaofwhatyouarebeportrayedinyouraspect,thatmenmayreadinyourlooks:Herewithinthisplaceistobeseenthew<»ladmirable,rare,andaccomplishedworkofnature!Cousin,whatthinkyouofthis?

Step.Marry,Idothinkofit,andIwillbemoremelancholyandgentlemanlikethanIhavebeen,Idoensureyou.

Lor.ju.Why,thisiswell:nowifIcanbutholdupthishumourinhim,asitisbegun,CatsoforFlorence,matchhimanshecan.Come,cousin.

Step.I'llfollowyou.

Lor.ju.Followme!youmustgobefore!

Step.MustI?nay,thenIprayyoushewme,goodcousin.

[Exeunt.

SCENEIII.—EnterSigniorMATHEO,tohimCOB.

Mat.Ithinkthisbethehouse:whatho!

Cob.Who'sthere?oh,SigniorMatheo.Codgiveyougoodmorrow,sir.

Mat.What?Cob?howdoestthou,goodCob?dostthoninhabithere,Cob?

Cob.Ay,sir,Iandmylineagehavekeptapoorhouseinourdays.

Mat.Thylineage,MonsieurCob/whatlineage,whatlineage':

Cob.Why,sir,anancientlineage,andaprincely:mineancestrycamefromaking'sloins,noworseman;andyetnomanneither.butHerringthekingoffish,oneofthemonarchsofthe-voi-M.|assureyou.Idofetchmypedigreeandnamefromthe\\r^\n-.|herringthatwaseateninAdamandfcx^skitchen:hi.s('ahuasmygreat,great,mightygreatgrandfather.

Mat.Whymighty?whymighty?

Cob.Oh,it'samightywhileago,sir,anditwasamightygreatCob.

Mat.Howknowestthouthat?

Cob.JlowknowI?why,hisu'hostcomestomeeveryni_'ht.

Mat.Oh,unsavouryjest:theghostofaherringCob.

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Cob.Ay,whynottheghostofaherringCob,aswellastheghostofRasheroBacono,theywerebothbroiledonthecoals?youareascholar,upsolvemethatnow.

Mat.Oh,rudeignorance!Cob,canstthoushewmeofagentleman,oneSigniorBobadilla,wherehislodgingis?

Cob.Oh,myguest,sir,youmean?

Mat.Thyguest,alas!ha,ha.

Cob.Whydoyoulaugh,sir?doyounotmeanSigniorBobadilla?

Mat.Cob,Ipraytheeadvisethyselfwell:donotwrongthegentleman,andthyselftoo.Idarebeswornhescornsthyhouse;he!helodgeinsuchabaseobscureplaceasthyhouse?Tut,Iknowhisdispositionsowell,hewouldnotlieinthybedifthou'dstgiveithim.

Cob.Iwillnotgiveithim.Mass,Ithoughtsomewhatwasinit,wecouldnotgethimtobedallnight.Well,sir,thoughhelienotonmybed,heliesonmybench,an'tpleaseyoutogoup,sir,youshallfindhimwithtwocushionsunderhishead,andhiscloakwraptabouthim,asthoughhehadneitherwonnorlost,andyetIwarranthene'ercastbetterinhislifethanhehathdoneto-night.

Mat.Why,washedrunk?

Cob.Drunk,sir?youhearnotmesayso;perhapsheswallow'dataverntoken,orsomesuchdevice,sir;Ihavenothingtodowithal:Idealwithwaterandnotwithwine.Givememytankardthere,ho!Godbewithyou,sir;it'ssixo'clock:Ishouldhavecarriedtwoturnsbythis,whatho!mystopple,come.

Mat.Lieinawater-bearer'shouse,agentlemanofhisnote?Well,I'lltellhimmymind.[Exit.

Cob.What,Tib,shewthisgentlemanuptoSigniorBobadilla:oh,anmyhouseweretheBrazenheadnow,faithitwoulde'encrymoefoolsyet:youshouldhavesomenow,wouldtakehimtobeagentlemanattheleast;alas,Godhelpthesimple,hisfather'sanhonestman,agoodfishmonger,andsoforth:andnowdothhecreepandwriggleintoacquaintancewithallthebravegallantsaboutthetown,suchasmyguestis,(oh,myguestisafineman!)andtheyflouthiminvincibly.Heusetheverydaytoamerchant'shouse,(whereIservewater)oneM.Thorello's;andhere'sthejest,heisinlovewithmymaster'ssister,andcallshermistress:andtherehesitsawholeafternoonsometimes,readingofthesesameabominable,vile,(apoxonthem,Icannotabidethem!)rascallyverses,Poetry,poetry,andspeakingofInterludes,'twillmakeamanbursttohearhim:andthewenches,theydosojeerandtiheathim;well,shouldtheydoasmuchtome,I'dforswearthemall,bythelifeofPharaoh,there'sanoath:howmanywater-bearersshallyouhearswearsuchanoath?oh,Ihaveaguest,(heteachethme)hedothswearthebestofanymanchristened.ByPhoebus,BythelifeofPharaoh,Bythebodyofme,AsIamgentleman,andasoldier:suchdaintyoaths;andwithalhedothtakethissamefilthyroguishtobacco,thefinest,andcleanliest;itwoulddoamangoodtoseethefumecomeforthathisnostrils:well,heowes

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mefortyshillings,(mywifelenthimoutofherpurse;bysixpenceatime,)besideshislodging;IwouldIhadit:Ishallhaveit,hesaith,nextAction.Helterskelter,hangsorrow,carewillkillacat,up-tailsall,andapoxonthehangman.[Exit.

BOBADILLAdiscovershimself:onabench;tohimTIB.

Bob.Hostess,hostess.

Tib.Whatsayyou,sir?

Bob.Acupofyoursmallbeer,sweethostess.

Tib.Sir,there'sagentlemanbelowwouldspeakwithyou.

Bob.Agentleman?(God'sso)Iamnotwithin.

Tib.Myhusbandtoldhimyouwere,sir.

Bob.Whataplague!whatmeanthe?

Mat.SigniorBobadilla.[Matheowithin.

Bob.\Vho'sthere?(takeawaythebason,goodhostess)comeup,sir.

Tib.Hewoulddesireyoutocomeup,sir;youcomeintoacleanlyhousehere.

Mat.Godsaveyou,sir,Godsaveyou.[EnterMATHEO.

Bob.SigniorMatheo,is'tyou,sir?pleaseyousitdown.

Mat.Ithankyou,goodSignior,youmayseeIamsomewhataudacious.

Bob.Notso,Signior,Iwasrequestedtosupperyesternightbyasortofgallants,whereyouwerewishedfor,anddrunkto,1assureyou.

Mat.Vouchsafemebywhom,goodSignior.

Bob.Marry,bySigniorProspero,andothers;why,hostess,astoolhereforthisgentleman.

Mat.Nohaste,sir,itisverywell.

Bob.Bodyofme,itwassolateerewepartedlastnight,Icanscarceopenmineeyesyet;Iwasbutnewrisenasyoucame:howpassesthedayabroad,sir?youcantell.

Mat.Faith,somehalfhourtoseven:nowtrustme,youhaveanexceedingfinelodginghere,veryneat,andprivate.

Bob.Ay,sir,sitdown.Iprayyou,SigniorMatheo,inany°asepossessnogentlemenofyouracquaintancewithnoticeofmylodging.

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Mat.Who?I,sir?no.

Bob.NotthatIneedtocarewhoknowit,butinregardIwouldnotbesopopularandgeneral,assomebe.

Mat.True,Signior,Iconceiveyou.

Bob.Fordoyousee,sir,bytheheartofmyself,(exceptitIIPtosomepeculiarandchoicespirits,towhomIamextraordinarilyengaged,asyourself,orso,)Icouldnotextendthusfar.

Mat.OLord,sir!Iresolveso.

Bob.Whatnewbookhaveyouthere?What?QobyHieronymo.

Mat.Ay,didyoueverseeitacted?is'tn«twellprimed?

Bob.Wellpenned:IwouldfainseeallthePoetsofourtimepensuchanotherplayasthatwas;they'llprateandswaL'^rrr,andkeepastirofartanddevices,whrri(l>y<iod'sso)theyareihrui<>.-tshallow,pitifulfellowsthatliveuponthefaceoftheearthagain.

Mat.Indeed,hereareanumberoffinespeechesinthisbook:Oheyes,noeyes,butfountainsfraughtwithtears;there'saconceit:Fountainsfraughtwithtears.Ohlife,nolife,butlivelyformofdeath:is'tnotexcellent?Ohworld,noworld,butmassofpublicwrongs;OGod'sme:confusedandfilledwithmurderandmisdeeds.Is'tnotsimplythebestthateveryouheard?Ha,howdoyoulikeit?

Bob.'Tisgood.

Mat.Tothee,thepurestobjecttomysense,

Themostrefinedessenceheavencovers,SendItheselines,whereinIdocommenceThehappystateoftruedeservinglovers.Iftheyproverough,unpolish'd,harsh,andrude,Hastemadethatwaste;thusmildlyIconclude.

Bob.Nay,proceed,proceed,where'sthis?where'sthis?

Mat.This,sir,atoyofmineowninmynon-age:butwhenwillyoucomeandseemystudy?goodfaith,IcanshewyousomeverygoodthingsIhavedoneoflate:thatbootbecomesyourlegpassingwell,sir,methinks.

Bob.So,so,it'safashiongentlemenuse.

Mat.Mass,sir,andnowyouspeakofthefashion,SigniorPros-pero'selderbrotherandIarefallenoutexceedingly:thisotherdayIhappenedtoenterintosomediscourseofahanger,which,Iassureyou,bothforfashionandworkmanshipwasmostbeautifulandgentlemanlike;yethecondemneditforthemostpiedandridiculousthateverhesaw.

Bob.SigniorGiuliano,wasitnot?theelderbrother?

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Mat.Ay,sir,he.

Bob.Hanghim,rook!he!why,hehasnomorejudgmentthanamalt-horse.BySt.George,Iholdhimthemostperemptoryabsurdclown(oneathem)inChristendom:Iprotesttoyou(asIamagentlemanandasoldier)Ine'ertalk'dwiththelikeofhim:hehasnotsomuchasagoodwordinhisbelly,alliron,iron,agoodcommodityforasmithtomakehob-nailson.

Mat.Ay,andhethinkstocarryitawaywithhismanhoodstillwherehecomes:hebragshewillgivemethebastinado,asIhear.

Bob.How,thebastinado?howcamehebythatword,trow?

Mat.Nay,indeed,hesaidcudgelme;Itermeditsoforthemoregrace.

Bob.Thatmaybe,forIwassureitwasnoneofhisword:butwhen,whensaidheso?

Mat.Faith,yesterday,theysay,ayounggallant,afriendofmine,toldmeso.

Bob.BythelifeofPharaoh,an'tweremycasenow,Ishouldsendhimachallengepresently:thebastinado!comehither,youshallchallengehim;I'llshewyouatrickortwo,youshallkillhimatpleasure,thefirststoccadoifyouwill,bythisair.

Mat.Indeed,youhaveabsoluteknowledgeinthemystery,Ihaveheard,sir.

Bob.Ofwhom?ofwhom,Ipray?

Mat.Faith,Ihavehearditspokenofdivers,thatyouhaveveryrareskill,sir.

Bob.Byheaven,no,notI,noskillintheearth:somesmallscience,knowmytime,distance,orso,Ihaveprofestitmorefornoblemenandgentlemen'susethanmineownpractise,Iassureyou.Hostess,lendusanotherbed-staffherequickly:lookyou,sir,exaltnotyourpointabovethisstateatanyhand,andletyourponiardmaintainyourdefencethus:giveitthegentleman.So,sir,comeon,oh,twineyourbodymoreabout,thatyoumaycometoamoresweetcomelygentlemanlikeguard;soindifferent.Hollowyourbodymore,sir,thus:nowstandfastonyourleftleg,noteyourdistance,keepyourdueproportionoftime:oh,youdisorderyourpointmostvilely.

Mat.Howisthebearingofitnow,sir?

Bob.Oh,outofmeasureill,awell-experiencedmanwouldpassuponyouatpleasure.

Mat.Howmeanyoupassuponme?

Bob.Why,thus,sir:makeathrustatme;comeinuponmytime;controlyourpoint,andmakeafullcareeratthebody:thebest-practis'dgentlemenofthetimetermitthepassado,amostdesperatethrust,believeit.

Mat.Well,come,sir.

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Bob.Why,youdonotmanageyourweaponswiththatfacilityandgracethatyoushoulddo,Ihavenospirittoplaywithyou,yourdearthofjudgmentmakesyouseemtedious.

Mat.Butonevenue,sir.

Bob.Fie!venue,mostgrossdenominationaseverIheard:oh,thestoccadowhileyoulive,Signior,notthat.Come,putonyourcloak,andwe'llgotosomeprivateplacewhereyouareacquainted,sometavernorso,andwe'llsendforoneofthesefencers,whereheshallbreatheyouatmydirection,andthenI'llteachyouthattrick;youshallkillhimwithitatthefirstifyouplease:why,I'lllearnyoubythetruejudgmentoftheeye,hand,andfoot,tocontrolanyman'spointintheworld;Shouldyouradversaryconfrontyouwithapistol,'twerenothing,youshould(bythesamerule)controlthebullet,mostcertain,byPhoebus:unlessitwerehail-shot:whatmoneyhaveyouaboutyou,sir?

Mat.Faith,Ihavenotpasttwoshillings,orso.

Bob.'Tissomewhatwiththeleast,butcome,whenwehavedone,we'llcallupSigniorProspero;perhaps\veshallmeet\\itliCoridonhisbrotherthere.

SCKXI-:IV.—EnterTIKMM-:.i.o,GlUUANO,

Tho.Piso,comehither:thereliesanotewithin,uponmyde.-k;here,takemykey:it'snomatterneither,where'sthe!>«>y''.

Pis.Within,sir,inthewarehouse.

Tho.LethimtelloverthatSpanishgold.andweiirhit,.-inddoyouseethedeliveryofthosewarestoSiirniorll<'ntiw>le:I'llhotheremyselfatthereceiptofthemoneyanon.

Pis.Verygood,sir.[Erit/'MO.

Tho.Brother,didyouseethatsamefellowthere?

Giu.Ay,whatofhim?

Tho.Heise'enthehonestest,faithfulservantthatisthisdayinFlorence;(Ispeakaproudwordnow;)andonethatIdursttrustmylifeintohishands,Ihavesostrongopinionofhislove,ifneedwere.

Giu.Godsendmeneversuchneed:butyousaidyouhadsomewhattotellme,whatis't?

Tho.Faith,brother,Iamloathtoutterit,Asfearingtoabuseyourpatience,ButthatIknowyourjudgmentmoredirect,Abletoswaythenearestofaffection.

Giu.Come,come,whatneedsthiscircumstance?

Tho.IwillnotsaywhathonourIascribeUntoyourfriendship,norinwhatdearstateIholdyourlove;letmycontinuedzeal,Theconstantandreligiousregard,ThatIhaveevercarriedtoyourname,Mycarriagewithyoursister,allcontest,HowmuchIstandaffectedtoyour

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house.

Giu.Youaretootedious,cometothematter,cometothematter.

Tho.Then(withoutfurtherceremony)thus.MybrotherProspe.ro(Iknownothow)Oflateismuchdeclinedfromwhathewas,Andgreatlyalter'dinhisdisposition.Whenhecamefirsttolodgehereinmyhouse,Ne'ertrustme,ifIwasnotproudofhim:Methoughthebarehimselfwithsuchobservance,Sotrueelectionandsofairaform:And(whatwaschief)itshew'dnotborrow'dinhim,Butallhedidbecamehimashisown,Andseem'dasperfect,proper,andinnate,Untothemind,ascolourtotheblood,Butnow,hiscourseissoirregular,Solooseaffected,anddeprivedofgrace,AndhehimselfwithalsofarfallenoffFromhisfirstplace,thatscarcenonoteremains,Totellmen'sjudgmentswherehelatelystood;He'sgrownastrangertoallduerespect,Forgetfulofhisfriends,andnotcontentTostalehimselfinallsocieties,HemakesmyhouseascommonasaMart,ATheatre,apublicreceptacleForgiddyhumour,anddiseasedriot,Andthere,(asinatavern,orastews,)He,andhiswildassociates,spendtheirhours,Inrepetitionoflasciviousjests,Swear,leap,anddance,andrevelnightbynight,Controlmyservants:andindeedwhatnot?

Giu.Faith,IknownotwhatIshouldsaytohim:soGodsave

me,Iame'enatmywits'end,Ihavetoldhimenough,onewouldthink,ifthatwouldserve:well,heknowswhattotrusttoforme:lethimspend,andspend,anddomineertillhisheartache:anhegetapennymoreofme,I'llgivehimthisear.

Tho.Nay,goodbrother,havepatience.

Giu.'Sblood,hemadsme,Icouldeatmyveryfleshforanger:Imarieyouwillnottellhimofit,howhedisquietsyourhouse.

Tho.0,therearediversreasonstodissuademe,Butwouldyourselfvouchsafetotravailinit,(Thoughbutwithplainandeasycircumstance,)Itwouldbothcomemuchbettertohissense,Andsavourlessofgriefanddiscontent.Youarehiselderbrother,andthattitleConfirmsandwarrantsyourauthority:Which(secondedbyyouraspect)willbreedAkindofdutyinhim,andregard.Whereas,ifIshouldintimatetheleast,Itwouldbutaddcontempttohisneglect,Heapworseonill,rearahugepileofhate,Thatinthebuildingwouldcometotteringdown,Andinherruinsburyallourlove.Nay,morethanthis,brother;ifIshouldspeak,Hewouldbereadyintheheatofpassion,Tofilltheearsofhisfamiliars,Withoftreportingtothem,whatdisgraceAndgrossdisparagementIhadproposedhim.Andthenwouldtheystraightbackhiminopinion,Makesomeloosecommentuponeveryword,Andoutoftheirdistractedphantasies,Contrivesomeslander,thatshoulddwellwithme.Andwhatwouldthatbe,thinkyou?marry,this,Theywouldgiveout,(becausemywifeisfair,Myselfbutlatelymarried,andmysisterHeresojourningavirgininmyhouse,)ThatIwerejealous:nay,assureasdeath,Thustheywouldsay:andhowthatIhadwrong'dMybrotherpurposely,therebytofindAnaptpretexttobanishthemmyhouse.

Giu.Mass,perhapsso.

Tho.Brother,theywould,believeit:soshouldI(Likeoneofthesepenuriousquack-salvers)

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Buttryexperimentsuponmyself,Openthegatesuntomineowndisgrace,Lendbare-ribb'denvyopportunityTostabmyreputation,andgoodname.[Enf>'rI-.OBA.andMvr.

Mat.Iwillspeaktohim.

Bob.Speaktohim?away,bythelifoof/'h'irn<>h,y>u-li.illnot,youshallnotdohimthatgrace:thetimeofdaytoyou,gentlemen:isSigniorPrfi*/»mstirring'.'

Howthen?whatshouldhedo?

Bob.SigniorThorello,ishewithin,sir?

Tho.Hecamenottohislodgingto-night,sir,Iassureyou.

Giu.Why,doyouhear?you.

.606.Thisgentlemanhathsatisfiedme,I'lltalktonoScavenger.

Giu.How,Scavenger?stay,sir,stay.[Exeunt.

Tlw.Nay,brotherOiuliano.

Giu.'Sblood,standyouaway,anyouloveme.

Tho.Youshallnotfollowhimnow,Iprayyou,Goodfaith,youshallnot.

Giu.Ha!Scavenger!well,goto,Isaylittle,but,bythisgoodday,(GodforgivemeIshouldswear)ifIputitupso,sayIam

therankestthateverpist.'Sblood,anIswallowthis,I'll

ne'erdrawmyswordinthesightofmanagainwhileIlive;I'llsitinabarnwithMadge-owletfirst.Scavenger!'Heart,andI'llgoneartofillthathugetumbrelslopofyourswithsomewhat,anIhavegoodluck,yourGaragantuabreechcannotcarryitawayso.

Tho.Oh,donotfretyourselfthus,neverthinkon't.

Giu.Thesearemybrother'sconsorts,these,thesearehisComrades,hiswalkingmates,he'sagallant,aCavalierotoo,righthangmancut.Godletmenotlive,anIcouldnotfindinmyhearttoswingethewholenestofthem,oneafteranother,andbeginwithhimfirst,Iamgrieveditshouldbesaidheismybrother,andtakethesecourses,well,heshallhearon't,andthattightlytoo,anIlive,i'faith.

Tho.But,brother,letyourapprehension(then)Runinaneasycurrent,nottransportedWithheadyrashness,ordevouringcholer,Andrathercarryapersuadingspirit,Whosepowerswillpiercemoregently;andallureTh'imperfectthoughtsyoulabourtoreclaim,Toamoresuddenandresolvedassent.

Giu.Ay,ay,letmealoneforthat,Iwarrantyou.[Bellrings.

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Tho.Hownow!oh,thebellringstobreakfast.BrotherGiuliano,Iprayyougoinandbearmywifecompany:I'llbutgiveordertomyservantsforthedispatchofsomebusiness,andcometoyoupresently.[ExitGiu.[EnterCOB.

What,Cob!ourmaidswillhaveyoubytheback(i'faith)JForcomingsolatethismorning.

Cob.Perhapsso,sir,takeheedsomebodyhavenotthembythebellyforwalkingsolateintheevening.[Exit.

Tho.Now(ingoodfaith)mymindissomewhateased,ThoughnotreposedinthatsecurityAsIcouldwish;well,Imustbecontent,Howe'erIsetafaceon'ttotheworld,WouldIhadlostthisfingeratavent,SoProsperohadne'erlodgedinmyhouse,Why'tcannotbe,wherethereissuchresortOfwantongallants,andyoungrevellers,Thatanywomanshouldbehonestlong.Is'tlike,thatfactiousbeautywillpreserve

Thesovereignstateofchastityunscarr'd,

Whensuchstrongmotivesmuster,andmakehead

Againsthersinglepeace?no,no:beware

Whenmutualpleasureswaystheappetite,

Andspiritsofonekindandquality,

Domeettoparleyintheprideofblood.

Well,(tobeplain)ifIbutthoughtthetime

Hadanswer'dtheiraffections,alltheworld

Shouldnotpersuademe,butIwereacuckold:

Marry,Ihopetheyhavenotgotthatstart.

Foropportunityhathbalk'dthemyet,

Andshalldostill,whileIhaveeyesandears

Toattendtheimpositionofmyheart:

Mypresenceshallbeasanironbar,

'Twixttheconspiringmotionsofdesire,

Yea,everylookorglancemineeyeobjects,

Shallcheckoccasion,asonedothhisslave,[EnterBTAXCHA

Whenheforgetsthelimitsofprescription.irithHESPERIDA.

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Bia.SisterHesperida,Iprayyoufetchdowntherose-wateraboveinthecloset:Sweet-heart,willyoucomeintobreakfast?

Tho.Anshehaveoverheardmenow?[ExitHesperida.

Bia.Ipraythee,(goodMuss)westayforyou.

Tho.ByChrist,Iwouldnotforathousandcrowns.

Bia.W7hatailyou,sweet-heart?areyounotwell?speak,goodMuss.

Tho.Troth,myheadachesextremelyonasudden^

Bia.OhJesu!

Tho.Hownow!what!

Bia.GoodLord,howitburns!Muss,keepyouwarm;goodtruth,itisthisnewdisease,there'sanumberaretroubledwithaUforGod'ssake,sweet-heart,comeinoutoftheair.

Tho.Howsimple,andhowsubtleareheranswersIAnewdisease,andman}'troubledwithit.Whytrue,sheheardmealltheworldtonothing.

Bia.Ipraythee,goodsweet-heart,comein;theairwilldoymiharm,introth.

Tho.I'llcometoyoupresently,itwillaway,Ihope.

Bia.PrayGoditdo.[Exit.

Tlw.Anewdisease!Iknownot,neworold,Butitmaywellbecall'dpoormortals'Plaguo;ForlikeapestilenceitdothinfectThehousesofthebrain:firstitbeginsSolelytoworkuponthephantasy,Fillingherseatwithsuchpestiferousair,Assooncorruptsthejudgment,andfromthence,Sendslikecontagiontothememory.Stilleachofothercatchingtheinfection,WhichasasearchingvapourspreadsitselfCoifusedlythrougheverysensivepart,Tillnotathoughtormotioninthemind

Befreefromtheblackpoisonofsuspect.

Ah,butwhaterrorisittoknowthis,

Andwantthefreeelectionofthesoul

Insuchextremes!well,Iwilloncemorestrive

(Evenindespiteofhell)myselftobe,

Andshakethisfeveroffthatthusshakesme.[Exit.

ACTII

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SCENEI.—EnterMusco,disguisedlikeasoldier.

Mus.'Sblood,Icannotchoosebutlaughtoseemyselftranslatedthus,fromapoorcreaturetoacreator;fornowmustIcreateanintolerablesortoflies,orelsemyprofessionloseshisgrace,andyetthelietoamanofmycoatisasominousastheFico,oh,sir,itholdsforgoodpolicytohavethatoutwardlyinvilestestimation,thatinwardlyismostdeartous:Somuchformyborrowedshape.Well,thetrothis,mymasterintendstofollowhissondry-foottoFlorence,thismorning:nowI,knowingofthisconspiracy,andtherathertoinsinuatewithmyyoungmaster,(forsomustwethatarebluewaiters,ormenofservicedo,orelseperhapswemaywearmotleyattheyear'send,andwhowearsmotleyyouknow:)Ihavegotmeaforeinthisdisguise,determiningheretolieinambuscado,andintercepthiminthemidway;ifIcanbutgethiscloak,hispurse,hishat,nay,anythingsoIcanstayhisjourney,RexRegum,Iammadeforever,i'faith:well,nowmustIpractisetogetthetruegarbofoneoftheseLance-knights;myarmhere,andmyGod'sso,youngmasterandhiscousin.

Lor.ju.So,sir,andhowthen?[EnterLOR.ju.andSTEP.

Step.God'sfoot,Ihavelostmypurse,Ithink.

Lor.ju.How?lostyourpurse?where?whenhadyouit?

Step.Icannottell,stay.

Mus.'Slid,Iamafraidtheywillknowme,wouldIcouldgetbythem.

Lor.ju.What!haveyouit?

Step.No,IthinkIwasbewitched,I.

Lor.ju.Nay,donotweep,apoxonit,hangit,letitgo.

Step.Oh,it'shere;nay,anithadbeenlost,IhadnotcaredbutforajetringMarinasentme.

Lor.ju.Ajetring!oh,thepoesie,thepopsie!

Step.Fine,i'faith:Thoughfancysleep,myloveisdeep:meaningthatthoughIdidnotfancyher,yetshelovedmedearly.

Lor.ju.Mostexcellent.

Step.AndthenIsentheranother,andmypoesiewas:Thedeeperthesweeter,PllbejudgedbySaintPeter.

Lor.ju.How,bySt.Peter?Idonotconceivethat.

Step.Marry,St.Petertomakeupthemetre.

Lor.ju.Well,youarebeholdingtothatSaint,hehelp'dyouatyourneed;thankhim,thankhim.

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Mus.Iwillventure,comewhatwill:Gentlemen,pleaseyouchangeafewcrownsforaveryexcellentgoodbladehere;Iamapoorgentleman,asoldier,onethat(inthebetterstateofmyfor-

tunes)scornedsomeanarefuge,butnowit'sthehumourofnecessitytohaveitso:youseemtobe,gentlemen,wellaffectedtomartialmen,elseIshouldratherdiewithsilence,thanlivewithshame:howe'er,vouchsafetorememberitismywantspeaks,notmyself:thisconditionagreesnotwithmyspirit.

Lor.ju.Wherehastthouserved?

Mus.Mayitpleaseyou,Signior,inalltheprovincesofBohemia,Hungaria,Dalmatia,Poland,wherenot?Ihavebeenapoorservitorbyseaandland,anytimethisxiiij.years,andfollow'dthefortunesofthebestCommandersinChristendom.IwastwiceshotatthetakingofAleppo,onceatthereliefofVienna;IhavebeenatAmericainthegalleysthrice,whereIwasmostdangerouslyshotinthehead,throughboththethighs,andyet,beingthusmaim'd,Iamvoidofmaintenance,nothingleftmebutmyscars,thenotedmarksofmyresolution.

Step.Howwillyousellthisrapier,friend?

Mus.Faith,Signior,Ireferittoyourownjudgment;youareagentleman,givemewhatyouplease.

Step.True,Iamagentleman,Iknowthat;butwhatthough,Iprayyousay,whatwouldyouask?

Mus.IassureyoutheblademaybecomethesideofthebestprinceinEurope.

Lor.ju.Ay,withavelvetscabbard.

Step.Nay,an'tbemineitshallhaveavelvetscabbard,thatisflat,I'dnotwearitas'tisanyouwouldgivemeanangel.

Mus.Atyourpleasure,Signior,nay,it'samostpureToledo.

Step.IhadratheritwereaSpaniard:buttellme,whatshallIgiveyouforit?anithadasilverhilt—

Lor.ju.Come,come,youshallnotbuyit;hold,there'sashilling,friend,takethyrapier.

Step.Why,butIwillbuyitnow,becauseyousayso:what,shallIgowithoutarapier?

Lor.ju.Youmaybuyoneinthecity.

Step.Tut,I'llbuythis,soIwill;tellmeyourlowestprice.

Lor.ju.Youshallnot,Isay.

Step.ByGod'slid,butIwill,thoughIgivemorethan'tisworth.

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Lor.ju.Comeaway,youareafool.

Step.Friend,I'llhaveitforthatword:followme.

.17us.Atyouservice,Signior.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—EnterLORENZOsenior.

!.<>r.xe.Mylabouringspiritbein<_rlateopprestWithmyson'sfolly,canembracenorestTillithathplottedbyadviceandskill,HowtoreducehimfromaffectedwillToreason'smanage;whichwhileIintend,MytroubledsoulbeginstoapprehendAfarthersecret,andtomeditateTponthedifferenceofman'sestate:Whereisdceipher'dtotruejudgment'seye

Adeep,conceal'd,andpreciousmystery.

YetcanInotbutworthilyadmire

Atnature'sart:who(whenshedidinspire

Thisheatoflife)placedReason(asaking)

Hereinthehead,tohavethemarshalling

Ofouraffections:andwithsovereignty

Toswaythestateofourweakempery.

Butasindiverscommonwealthswesee,

Theformofgovernmenttodisagree:

Evensoinman,whosearchethsoonshallfind

Asmuchormorevarietyofmind.

Somemen'saffectionslikeasullenwife,

Iswithherhusbandreasonstillatstrife.

Others(likeproudarch-traitorsthatrebel

Againsttheirsovereign)practisetoexpel

TheirliegeLordReason,andnotshametotread

Uponhisholyandanointedhead.

Butasthatlandornationbestdoththrive,

Whichtosmooth-frontedpeaceismostproclive,

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Sodoththatmind,whosefairaffectionsranged

Byreason'srules,standconstantandunchanged,

Else,ifthepowerofreasonbenotsuch,

Whydoweattributetohimsomuch?

Orwhyareweobsequioustohislaw,

Ifhewantspiritouraffectstoawe?

Ohno,Iargueweakly,heisstrong,

Albeitmysonhavedonehimtoomuchwrong.[EnterMusco.

Mus.Mymaster:nay,faith,haveatyou:Iamflesh'dnowIhavespedsowell:Gentleman,Ibeseechyourespecttheestateofapoorsoldier;Iamashamedofthisbasecourseoflife,(God'smycomfort)butextremityprovokesmeto't;whatremedy?

Lor.se.Ihavenotforyounow.

Mus.BythefaithIbearuntoGod,gentleman,itisnoordinarycustom,butonlytopreservemanhood.Iprotesttoyou,amanIhavebeen,amanImaybe,byyoursweetbounty.

Lor.se.Ipraythee,goodfriend,besatisfied.

Mus.GoodSignior:byJesu,youmaydothepartofakindgentleman,inlendingapoorsoldierthepriceoftwocansofbeer,amatterofsmallvalue,theKingofheavenshallpayyou,andIshallrestthankful:sweetSignior—

Lor.se.Nay,anyoubesoimportunate—

Mus.OLord,sir,needwillhavehiscourse:Iwasnotmadetothisvileuse;well,theedgeoftheenemycouldnothaveabatedmesomuch:it'shardwhenamanhathservedinhisPrince'scauseandbethus.Signior,letmederiveasmallpieceofsilverfromyou,itshallnotbegiveninthecourseoftime,bythisgoodground,Iwasfaintopawnmyrapierlastnightforapoorsupper,IamaPaganelse:sweetSignior—

Lor.se.Believeme,Iamraptwithadmiration,Tothinkamanofthyexteriorpresence

Should(intheconstitutionofthemind)

Besodegenerate,infirm,andbase.

Artthouaman?andsham'stthounottobeg?

Topractisesuchaservilekindoflife?

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Why,werethyeducationne'ersomean,

Havingthylimbs:athousandfairercourses

Offerthemselvestothyelection.

Xay,therethewarsmightstillsupplythywants,

Orserviceofsomevirtuousgentleman,

Orhonestlabour;nay,whatcanIname,

Butwouldbecometheebetterthantobeg?

Butmenofyourconditionfeedonsloth,

AsdoththeScarabonthedungshebreedsin,

Notcaringhowthetemperofyourspirits

Iseatenwiththerustofidleness.

Now,aforeGod,whate'erhebethatshould

Relieveapersonofthyquality,

Whileyouinsistinthisloosedesperatecourse,

Iwouldesteemthesinnotthine,buthis.

Mus.Faith,Signior,Iwouldgladlyfindsomeothercourse,ifso.

Lor.se.Ay,you'dgladlyfindit,butyouwillnotseekit.

Mus.Alas,sir,whereshouldamanseek?inthewars,there'snoascentbydesertinthesedays,but—andforservice,woulditwereassoonpurchasedaswish'dfor,(God'smycomfort)1knowwhatIwouldsay.

Lor.se.What'sthyname?

Hus.Pleaseyou:Portensio.

Lor.se.Portensio?

Savthatamanshouldentertaintheenow,Wouldthoubehonest,humble,just,andtrue?

Mus.Signior:bytheplaceandhonourofasoldier—•

Lor.se.Nay,nay,Ilikenottheseaffectedoaths;Speakplainly,man:whatthinkstthouofmywords?

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Mus.Nothing,Signior,butwishmyfortuneswereashappyasmyserviceshouldbehonest.

Lor.se.Well,followme,I'llprovethee,ifthydeedsWillcarryaproportiontothywords.[E.rifL<>r.,<H>.

Mus.Yes,sir,straight,I'llbutgartermyhose;oh,thatmybellywerehoop'dnow,forIamreadytoburstwithlaughing.'Slid,wasthereeverseenafoxinyearstobetrayhimselfthus?nowshallIbepossestofallhisdeterminations,andconsequentlymyyoungmaster;well,heisresolvedtoprovemyhonesty:faith,andIamresolvedtoprovehispatience:oh,Ishallal>ii>ehimintolerably:thissmallpieceofservicewillbringhimcleanoutoflovewiththesoldierforever.It'snomatter,lettheworMthinkmeabadcounterfeit,ifIcannotgivehimtheslipataninstant:v.hy,thisisbetterthantohavestayedhisjourneybyhalf:well,I'llfollowhim.Oh,huwIlongtobeemploye,1.

«/j

SCENEIII.—EnterPROSPERO,BOBADFLLA.andMATHEO.

Mat.Yes,faith,sir,wewereatyourlodgingtoseekyoutoo.

Pros.Oh.Icanienotthereto-night.

Bob.Yourbrotherdeliveredusasmuch.

Pros.Who,Giuliano?

Bob,Giuliano.SigniorProsptro,Iknownotinwhatkindyouvalueme,butletmetellyouthis:assureasGod,Idoholditsomuchoutofminehonourandreputation,ifIshouldbutcasttheleastregarduponsuchadunghillofflesh;Iprotesttoyou(asIhaveasoultobesaved)Ine'ersawanygentlemanlikepartinhim:antherewerenomoremenlivinguponthefaceoftheearth,Ishouldnotfancyhim,byPhccbns.

Mat.Troth,norI,heisofarusticalcut,Iknownothow:hedothnotcarryhimselflikeagentleman.

Pro-s.Oh.SigniorMatheo,that'sagracepeculiarbuttoafew;quoscequu-samavitJupiter.

Mat.Iunderstandyou.sir.[EnterLOR.ju.andSTEP.

Pros.Xoquestionyoudo,sir:Lorenzo!nowonmysoul,welcome:howdostthou,sweetrascal?myGenius!'Sblood,IshallloveApolloandthemadThespiangirlsthebetterwhileIliveforthis;mydearvillain,nowIseethere'ssomespiritinthee:Sirrah,thesebethevtwoIwrittotheeof,nav,whatadrowsv

vh.*+i

humouristhisnow?whydostthounotspeak?

Lor.ju.Oh.youareafinegallant,yousentmearareletter.Pros.Whv.was'tnotrare?

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*•*

Lor.ju.Yes,I'llbeswornIwasne'erguiltyofreadingthelike,matchitinallPliny'sfamiliarEpistles,andI'llhavemyjudgmentburn'dintheearforarogue,makemuchofthyvein,foritisinimitable.ButImariewhatcamelitwas,thathadthecarriageofit?fordoubtlesshewasnoordinarybeastthatbroughtit.

Pros.Why?

Lor.in.Why,sayestthou?why,dostthouthinkthatanyreasonablecreature,especiallyinthemorning,(thesobertuneofthedaytoo)wouldhaveta'enmyfatherforme?

Pro-s.'Sblood.youjest,Ihope?

L:r.in.Indeed,thebestusewecanturnitto,istomakeajeston'tnow:butI'llassureyou,myfatherhadtheprovingofyourcopysomehourbeforeIsawit.

Pros.Whatadullslavewasthis!But,sirrah,whatsaidhetoit.,i'faith?

Lor.in.Xay,Iknownotwhathesaid.ButIhaveashrewdguesswhathethought.

Pro.What?what?

LJT.ju.Marry,thatthouartadamn'ddissolutevillain,AndIsomegrainortwobetter,inkeepingtheecompany.

Prc-s.Tut,thatthoughtislikethemooninthelastquarter,'twillchangeshortly:but,sirrah,IpraytheebeacquaintedwithmytwoZame-shere,thouwilttakeexceedingpleasureinthemif

J

themhearstthemonce,butwhatstrangepieceofsilenceistL;«:thesignofthedumbman?

Lor.ju.Oh,sir,akinsmanofmine,onethatmaymakeourmusicthefuller,anheplease,hehathhishumour,sir.

Pros.Oh,whatis't?whatis't?

Lor.ju.Xay,I'llneitherdothyjudgmentnorhi3follythatwrong,astopreparethyapprehension:I'llleavehimtothemercyofthetime,ifyoucantakehim:so.

Pros.Well.SisrniorBobadilla,SigniorMathto:Iprayyouknowthis£entlemanhere,heisafriendofmine,andonethatwillwelldeserveyouraffection,Iknownotyourname,Signior,butIshallbegladofanygoodoccasiontobemorefamiliarwithyou.

Step.MynameisSeniorStephana,sir,Iamthisgentleman'scousin,sir,hisfatherismineuncle;sir,Iamsomewhatmelancholy,butyoushallcommandme,sir,inwhatsoeverisincidenttoagentleman.

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Bob.Signior,Imusttellyouthis,Iamnogeneralman,embraceitasamosthighfavour,for(bythehostofEgypt•butthatIconceiveyoutobeagentlemanofsomeparts,Ilovefewwords:youhavewit:imagine.

^-p.Ay,truly,sir,Iammightilygiventomelancholy.

Mat.0Lord,sir,it'syuronlybe-sthumour,sir.yourtruemelancholybreedsyourperfectfinewit.sir:Iammelancholymyselfdiverstimes,sir,andthendoInomorebuttakeyourpenandpaperpresently,andwriteyouyourhalfscoreoryourdozenofsonnetsatasitting.

Lor.ju.Mass,thenheuttersthembythegross.

§:-.p.Truly,sir,andIlovesuchthingsoutofmeasure.

Lor.ju.I'faith,aswellasinmeasure.

Mat.Why,Iprayyou,Signior,makeuseofmystudy,it'satyourservice.

Step.Ithankyou,sir,Ishallbebold,Iwarrantyou,haveyouaclosestoolthere?

Mai.Faith,sir,Ihavesomepapersthere,toysofmineowndoingatidlehours,thatyou'llsaythere'ssomesparksofwitinthem,whenyoushallseethem.

Pros.Wouldtheywerekindledonce,andagoodfiremade,Imicrhtseeself-loveburn'dforherhert

§:*p.Cousin,isitwell?amImelancholyenough?

Lor.ju.Oh,ay.excellent.

Pros.SigniorBobadilla,whymuseyouso?

Lor.iu.Heismelancholytoo.

Bob.'Faith,sir.Iwasthinkingofamosthonour-.''|'-x-eofservicewasperform'dto-morrow,beingSt.Mark'sday,shallbesometenyears.

Lor.ju'Inwhatplacewasthatservice,I}--ir?

Bob.Why,atthebeleagueringofGhibdlttto,where,inan

twohours,"sevenhundred.tlernen.asanywerein

Europe,losttheirlivesuponthebrea.h:I'lltellyou.gentlemen,itwasthefirst,butthebestleaguerthateverIbeheldwitht.

eyes,exceptthetakinginofTortosalastyearbytheGenoways,butthat(ofallother)wasthemostfatalanddangerousexploitthateverIwasrangedin,sinceIfirstborearmsbeforethefaceoftheenemy,asIamagentlemanandasoldier.

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Step.So,IhadasliefasanangelIcouldswearaswellasthatgentleman.

Lor.ju.Thenyouwereaservitoratboth,itseems.

Bob.0Lord,sir:byPhaeton,Iwasthefirstmanthatenteredthebreach,andhadInoteffecteditwithresolution,IhadbeenslainifIhadhadamillionoflives.

Lor.ju.Indeed,sir?

Step.Nay,anyouheardhimdiscourseyouwouldsayso:howlikeyouhim?

Bob.Iassureyou(uponmysalvation)'tistrue,andyourselfshallconfess.

Pros.Youmustbringhimtotherackfirst.

Bob.Observemejudicially,sweetSignior:theyhadplantedmeademi-culverinjustinthemouthofthebreach;now,sir,(asweweretoascend),theirmastergunner(amanofnomeanskillandcourage,youmustthink,)confrontsmewithhislinstockreadytogivefire;Ispyinghisintendment,dischargedmypetronelinhisbosom,andwiththisinstrument,mypoorrapier,ranviolentlyupontheMoorsthatguardedtheordnrnce,andputthempell-melltothesword.

Pros.Tothesword?totherapier,Signior.

Lor.ju.Oh,itwasagoodfigureobserved,sir:butdidyouallthis,Signior,withouthurtingyourblade?

Bob.Withoutanyimpeachontheearth:youshallperceive,sir,itisthemostfortunateweaponthateverridonapoorgentleman'sthigh:shallItellyou,sir?youtalkofMorglay,Excalibur,Durindana,orso:tut,Ilendnocredittothatisreportedofthem,Iknowthevirtueofmineown,andthereforeIdaretheboldliermaintainit.

Step.ImariewhetheritbeaToledoorno?

Bob.AmostperfectToledo,Iassureyou,Signior.

Step.Ihaveacountrymanofhishere.

Mat.Prayyoulet'ssee,sir:yes,faith,itis.

Bob.ThisaToledo?pish!

Step.Whydoyoupish,Signior?

Bob.AFleming,byPhoebus!I'llbuythemforaguilderapiece,anI'llhaveathousandofthem.

Lor.ju.Howsayyou,cousin?Itoldyouthusmuch.

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Pros.Whereboughtyouit,Signior?

Step.Ofascurvyroguesoldier,apoxofGodonhim,hesworeitwasaToledo.

Bob.Aprovantrapier,nobetter.

Mat.Mass,Ithinkitbeindeed.

Lor.ju.Tut,nowit'stoolatetolookonit,putitup,putitup.

Step.Well,Iwillnotputitup,butbyGod'sfoot,ane'erImeethim—

Pros.Oh,itispastremedynow,sir,youmusthavepatience.

Step.Whoreson,coney-catchingrascal;oh,Icouldeattheveryhiltsforanger.

Lor.ju.Asignyouhaveagoodostrichstomach,con.°in.

Step.Astomach?wouldIhadhimhere,youshouldseeanIhadastomach.

Pros.It'sbetteras'tis:come,gentlemen,shallwego?

Lor.ju.Amiracle,cousin,lookhere,lookhere.[EnterMusco.

Step.Oh,God'slid,byyourleave,doyouknowme,sir?

Mus.Ay,sir,Iknowyoubysight.

Step.Yousoldmearapier,didyounot?

Mus.Yes,marrydidI,sir.

Step.YousaiditwasaToledo,ha?

Mus.True,Ididso.

Step.Butitisnone.

Mus.No,sir,Iconfessit,itisnone.

Step.Gentlemen,bearwitness,hehasconfestit.ByGod'slid,anyouhadnotconfestit—

Lor.ju.Oh,cousin,forbear,forbear.

Step.Nay,Ihavedone,cousin.

Pros.Why,youhavedonelikeagentleman,hehasconfestit,whatwouldyoumore?

Lor.ju.Sirrah,howdostthoulikehim?

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Pros.Oh,it'sapreciousgoodfool,makemuchonhim:Icancomparehimtonothingmorehappilythanabarber'svirginals;foreveryonemayplayuponhim.

Mus.Gentleman,shallIintreatawordwithyou?

Lor.ju.Withallmyheart,sir,youhavenotanotherToledotosell,haveyou?

Mus.Youarepleasant,yournameisSigniorLorenzo,asItakeit?

Lor.ju.Youareintheright:'Sblood,hemeanstocatechiseme,Ithink.

Mus.No,sir,IleavethattotheCurate,Iamnoneofthatcoat.

Lor.ju.Andyetofasbareacoat;well,say,sir.

Mus.Faith,Signior,IambutservanttoGodMarsextraordinary,andindeed(thisbrassvarnishbeingwashedoff,andthreeorfourothertrickssublated)Iappearyoursinreversion,afterthedeceaseofyourgoodfather,Musco.

Lor.ju.Musco,'sblood,whatwindhathblowntheehitherinthisshape?

Mus.Youreasterlywind,sir,thesamethatblewyourfatherhither.

Lor.ju.Myfather?

Mus.Nay,neverstart,it'strue,heiscometotownofpurposetoseekyou.

Lor.ju.SirrahProspero,whatshallwedo,sirrah?myfatheriscometothecity.

Pros.Thyfather:whereishe?

Mus.Atagentleman'shouseyonderbySt.Anthony's,wherehebutstaysmyreturn;andthen—

Pros.Who'sthis?Musco?

Mus.Thesame,sir.

Pros.Why,howcom'stthoutransmutedthus?

Mus.Faith,adevice,adevice,nay,fortheloveofGod,standnothere,gentlemen,houseyourselves,andI'lltellyouall.

Lor.ju.Butartthousurehewillstaythyreturn?

Mus.DoIlive,sir?whataquestionisthat!

Pros.Well,we'llproroguehisexpectationalittle:Musco,thoushaltgowithus:Comeon,gentlemen:nay,Ipraythee,(goodrascal)droopnot,'sheart,anourwitsbesogouty,thatoneoldploddingbraincanoutstripusall.Lord,Ibeseechthee,maytheylieandstarveinsome

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miserablespittle,wheretheymayneverseethefaceofanytruespiritagain,butbeperpetuallyhauntedwithsomechurch-yardhobgoblininseculoseculorum.

Mus.Amen,Amen.[Exeunt.

ACTIII

SCENEI.—EnterTHORELLO,andPiso.

Pis.Hewillexpectyou,sir,withinthishalfhour.

Tho.Why,what'saclock?

Pis.Newstrikenten.

Tho.Hathhethemoneyready,canyoutell?

Pis.Yes,sir,Baptistabroughtityesternight.

Tho.Oh,that'swell:fetchmemycloak.[ExitPiso.

Stay,letmesee;anhourtogoandcome,Ay,thatwillbetheleast:andthen'twillbeAnhourbeforeIcandispatchwithhim;Orverynear:well,Iwillsaytwohours;Twohours?ha!thingsneverdreamtofyetMaybecontrived,ay,andeffectedtoo,Intwohours'absence:well,Iwillnotgo.Twohours;no,fleeringopportunity,Iwillnotgiveyourtreacherythatscope.Whowillnotjudgehimworthytoberobb'd,Thatsetshisdoorswideopentoathief,Andshewsthefelonwherehistreasurelies?Again,whatearthyspiritbutwillattemptTotastethefruitofbeauty'sgoldentree,Whenleadensleepsealsupthedragon'seyes?Oh,beautyisaprojectofsomepower,Chieflywhenopportunityattendsher:Shewillinfusetruemotioninastone,Putglowingfireinanicysoul,Stuffpeasants'bosomswithproudCcesar'sspleen,Pourrichdeviceintoanemptybrain:Bringyouthtofolly'sgate:theretrainhimin,Andafterall,extenuatehissin.Well,Iwillnotgo,Iamresolvedforthat.Go,carryitagain:yetstay:yetdotoo,Iwilldeferittillsomeothertime.[EnterPiso.

Pis.Sir,SigniorPlatanowillmeetyoutherewiththebond.Tho.That'strue:byJesu,Ihadcleanforgotit.Imustgo,what'saclock?Pis.Pastten,sir.

Tho.'Heart,thenwillProsperopresentlybeheretoo,Withoneorotherofhislooseconsorts.IamaJewifIknowwhattosay,Whatcoursetotake,orwhichwaytoresolve.Mybrain(methinks)islikeanhour-glass,AndmyimaginationslikethesandsRundribblingforthtofillthemouthoftime,Stillchangedwithturningintheventricle.WhatwereIbesttodo?itshallbeso.Nay,Idarebuilduponhissecrecy.Piso.Pis.Sir.

Tho.YetnowIhavebethoughtmetoo,Iwillnot.IsCobwithin?

Pis.Ithinkhebe,sir.

Tho.Buthe'llpratetoo,there'snotalkofhim.Xo,therewerenocourseupontheearthtothis,IfIdursttrusthim;tut,Iweresecure,Butthere'sthequestionnow,ifheshouldprove,

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Rimarumplenus,then,'sblood,Iwererook'd.ThestatethathehathstoodintillthispresentDothpromisenosuchchange:whatshouldIfearthen?Well,comewhatwill,I'lltemptmyfortuneonce.Piso,thoumayestdeceiveme,butIthinkthoulovestme,Piso.

Pis.Sir,ifaservant'szealandhumbledutymaybeterm'dlove,youarepossestofit.

Tho.Ihaveamattertoimparttothee,butthoumustbesecret,Piso.

Pis.Sir,forthat—

Tho.Nay,hearme,man;thinkIesteemtheewell,Tolettheeinthustomyprivatethoughts;Piso,itisathingsitsnearertomycrest,Thanthouart'wareof;ifthoushould'strevealit—Pis.Revealit,sir?

Tho.Nay,Idonotthinkthouwould'st,butifthoushould'st—Pis.Sir,thenIwereavillain:DisclaiminmeforeverifIdo.

Tho.Hewillnotswear:hehassomemeaning,sure,Else(beingurgedsomuch)howshouldhechoose,Butlendanoathtoallthisprotestation?Heisnopuritan,thatIamcertainof.WhatshouldIthinkofit?urgehimagain,Andinsomeotherform:Iwilldoso.

Well,Piso,thouhastswornnottodisclose;ay,youdidswear?Pis.Notyet,sir,butIwill,sopleaseyou.Tho.Nay,Idaretakethyword.Butifthouwiltswear,doasyouthinkgood,

Iamresolvedwithoutsuchcircumstance.

Pis.Bymysoul'ssafety,sir,Ihereprotest,Mytongueshallne'ertakeknowledgeofawordDeliver'dmeincompassofyourtrust.

Tho.Enough,enough,theseceremoniesneednot,Iknowthyfaithtobeasfirmasbrass.Piso,comehither:nay,wemustbecloseInmanagingtheseactions:Soitis,(NowhehasswornIdarethesafelierspeak;)Ihaveoflatebydiversobservations—But,whetherhisoathbelawful,yea,orno?ha!IwillaskcounselereIdoproceed:Piso,itwillbenowtoolongtostay,We'llspysomefittertimesoon,orto-morrow.

Pis.Atyourpleasure,sir.

Tho.Iprayyousearchthebooks'gainstIreturnForthereceipts'twixtmeandPlatano.

Pis.Iwill,sir.

Tho.Andhearyou:ifmybrotherProsperoChancetobringhitheranygentlemenEreIcomeback,letonestraightbringmeword.

Pis.Verywell,sir.

Tho.Forgetitnot,norbenotyououtoftheway.

Pis.Iwillnot,sir.

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Tho.Orwhetherhecomeorno,ifanyother,Strangerorelse:failnottosendmeword.

Pis.Yes,sir.

Tho.Havecare,Iprayyou,andrememberit.

Pis.Iwarrantyou,sir.

Tho.But,Piso,thisisnotthesecretItoldtheeof.

Pis.No,sir,Isupposeso.

Tho.Nay,believeme,itisnot.

Pis.Idobelieveyou,sir.

Tho.Byheavenitisnot,that'senough.

Marry,Iwouldnotthoushould'stutterittoanycreatureliving,YetIcarenot.

Well,Imusthence:Piso,conceivethusmuch,NoordinarypersoncouldhavedrawnSodeepasecretfromme;Imeannotthis,ButthatIhavetotellthee:thisisnothing,this.Piso,remember,silence,buriedhere:Nogreaterhellthantobeslavetofear.[ExitTho.

Pis.Piso,remember,silence,buriedhere:Whenceshouldthisflowofpassion(trow)takehead?ha!Faith,I'lldreamnolongerofthisrunninghumour,ForfearIsink,theviolenceofthestreamAlreadyhathtransportedmesofar

ThatIcanfeelnogroundatall:butsoft,[EnterCOB.

Oh,it'sourwater-bearer:somewhathascrosthimnow.

Cob.Fastingdays:whattellyoumeofyourfastingdays?

wouldtheywereallonalightfireforme:theysaytheworldshallbeconsumedwithtireandbrimstoneinthelatterday:butIwouldwehadtheseemberweeksandthesevillainousFridaysburntinthemeantime,andthen—

Pis.Why,hownow,Cob!whatmovestheetothischoler,ha?

Cob.Collar,sir?'swounds,Iscornyourcollar,I,sir,amnocollier'shorse,sir,neverridemewithyourcollar,anyoudo,I'llshewyouajade'strick.

Pis.Oh,you'llslipyourheadoutofthecollar:why,Cob,youmistakeme.

Cob.Nay,Ihavemyrheum,andIbeangryaswellasanother,sir.

Pis.Thyrheum?thyhumour,man,thoumistakest.

Cob.Humour?mack,Ithinkitbesoindeed:whatisthishumour?it'ssomerarething,I

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warrant.

Pis.Marry,I'lltelltheewhatitis(as'tisgenerallyreceivedinthesedays):itisamonsterbredinamanbyself-loveandaffectation,andfedbyfolly.

Cob.How?mustitbefed?

Pis.Ohay,humourisnothingifitbenotfed,why,didstthouneverhearofthat?it'sacommonphrase,Feedmyhumour.

Cob.I'llnoneonit:humour,avaunt,Iknowyounot,begone.Letwhowillmakehungrymealsforyou,itshallnotbeI:Feedyou,quothhe?'sblood,Ihavemuchadotofeedmyself,especiallyontheseleanrascaldaystoo,an'thadbeenanyotherdaybutafastingday:aplagueonthemallforme:bythislight,onemighthavedoneGodgoodserviceandhavedrown'dthemallinthefloodtwoorthreehundredthousandyearsago,oh,Idostomachthemhugely:Ihaveamawnow,an'twereforSirBevis'shorse.

Pis.Xay,butIpraythee,Cobtwhatmakestheesooutoflovewithfastingdays?

Cob.Marry,thatthatwillmakeanymanoutoflovewiththem.Ithink:theirbadconditions,anyouwillneedsknow:First,theyareofaFlemishbreed,Iamsureon't,fortheyravenupmorebutterthanallthedaysoftheweekbeside:next,theystinkoffishmiserably:thirdly,they'llkeepamandevoutlyhungryallday,andatnightsendhimsupperlesstobed.

Pis.Indeed,thesearefaults,Cob.

Cob.Nay,anthiswereall,'tweresomething,buttheyaretheonlyknownenemiestomygeneration.Alastini:daynosoonercomes,butmylineagegoestorack,poorCobs,theysmokeforit.theymeltinpassion,andyourmaidstooknowthis,andyetwouldhavemeturnHannibal,andeatmyownfishandblood:myprincelycoz,[pullsoutaredherring.]fearnothing;Ihavenotthehearttodevouryou,anImightbemadeasrichasGolias:oh,thatIhadroomformytears,Icould\\eepsaltwaterenoughnowtopreservethelivesoftenthousandofmykin:butImaycursenonebutthesefilthyAlmanacks,foran'tunenotforthem,thesedaysofpersecutionwouldne'erbekno\vn.I'llbehair/dansomefishmonger'ssondonotmakeonthem,andputsinmorefastingdays

thanheshoulddo,becausehewouldutterhisfather'sdriedstockfish.

Pis.'Soul,peace,thou'ltbebeatenlikeastockfishelse:hereisSigniorMatheo.[EnterMATHEO,PROSPERO,LORENZOjunior,

BOBADILLA,STEPHANO,Musco.NowmustIlookoutforamessengertomymaster.

[ExeuntCobandPiso-

SCENEII.

Pros.Beshrewme,butitwasanabsolutegoodjest,andexceedinglywellcarried.

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Lor.ju.Ay,andourignorancemaintain'ditaswell,diditnot?

Pros.Yes,faith,butwas'tpossiblethoushould'stnotknowhim?

Lor.ju.'ForeGod,notI,anImighthavebeenjoin'dpattenwithoneofthenineworthiesforknowinghim.'Sblood,man,hehadsowrithenhimselfintothehabitofoneofyourpoorDispar-view'shere,yourdecayed,ruinous,worm-eatengentlemenoftheround:suchashavevowedtositontheskirtsofthecity,letyourProvostandhishalfdozenofhalberdiersdowhattheycan;andhavetranslatedbeggingoutoftheoldhackneypace,toafineeasyamble,andmadeitrunassmoothoffthetongueasashove-groatshilling,intothelikenessofoneoftheseleanPirgo's,hadhemouldedhimselfsoperfectly,observingeverytrickoftheiraction,asvaryingtheaccent:swearingwithanemphasis.Indeed,allwithsospecialandexquisiteagrace,that(hadstthouseenhim)thouwould'sthaveswornhemighthavebeentheTamberlane,ortheAgamemnonontherout.

Pros.Why,Musco,whowouldhavethoughtthouhadstbeensuchagallant?

Lor.ju.Icannottell,but(unlessamanhadjuggledbeggingallhislifetime,aridbeenaweaverofphrasesfromhisinfancy,fortheapparellingofit)Ithinktheworldcannotproducehisrival.

Pros.Wheregot'stthouthiscoat,Imarie?

Mus.Faith,sir,Ihaditofoneofthedevil'snearkinsmen,abroker.

Pros.Thatcannotbe,iftheproverbhold,acraftyknaveneedsnobroker.

Mus.True,sir,butIneedabroker,ergo,nocraftyknave.

Pros.Wellputoff,wellputoff.

Lor.ju.Tut,hehasmoreoftheseshifts.

Mus.AndyetwhereIhaveone,thebrokerhasten,sir.[EnterPis.

Pis.Francisco,Martino,ne'eraonetobefoundnow:whataspite'sthis?

Pros.Hownow,Piso?ismybrotherwithin?

Pis.No,sir,mymasterwentforthe'ennow,butSigniorGiulianoiswithin.Cob,what,CobfIshegonetoo?

Pros.Whitherwentthymaster?Piso,canstthoutell?

Pis.Iknownot,toDoctorClement's,Ithink,sir.Cob.[ExitPis.

Lor.ju.DoctorClement,what'she?1haveheardmuchspeechofhim.

Pros.Why,dostthounotknowhira?heistheGonfaloniereofthestatehere,anexcellent

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rarecivilian,andagreatscholar,buttheonlymadmerryoldfellowinEurope:Ishewedhimyoutheotherday.

Lor.ju.Oh,Irememberhimnow;Goodfaith,andhehathaverystrangepresence,methinks,itshewsasifhestoodoutoftherankfromothermen.IhaveheardmanyofhisjestsinPadua;theysayhewillcommitamanfortakingthewallofhishorse.

Pros.Ay,orwearinghiscloakononeshoulder,oranythingindeed,ifitcomeinthewayofhishumour.

Pis.Gaspar,Martino,Cob:'Sheart,whereshouldtheybe,trow?[EnterPiso.

Bob.SigniorThorello'sman,Ipraytheevouchsafeusthelightingofthismatch.

Pis.Apoxonyourmatch,notimebutnowtovouchsafe?Francisco,Cob.[Exit.

Bob.Bodyofme:here'stheremainderofsevenpound,sinceyesterdaywassevennight.It'syourrightTrinidado:didyounevertakeany,signior?

Step.No,truly,sir;butI'lllearntotakeitnow,sinceyoucommenditso.

Bob.Signior,believeme(uponmyrelation)forwhatItellyou,theworldshallnotimprove.IhavebeenintheIndies,(wherethisherbgrows)whereneithermyselfnoradozengentlemenmore(ofmyknowledge)havereceivedthetasteofanyothernutrimentintheworld,forthespaceofoneandtwentyweeks,buttobaccoonly.Thereforeitcannotbebut'tismostdivine.Further,takeitinthenature,inthetruekind,so,itmakesanantidote,thathadyoutakenthemostdeadlypoisonoussimpleinallFlorenceitshouldexpelit,andclarifyyouwithasmucheaseasIspeak.Andforyourgreenwound,yourBalsamum,andyour--areallmeregulleries,andtrashtoit,especiallyyourTrinidado:yourNicotianisgoodtoo:IcouldsaywhatIknowofthevirtueofit,fortheexposingofrheums,rawhumours,crudities,obstructions,withathousandofthiskind;butIprofessmyselfnoquack-salver.Onlythusmuch;byHercules,Idoholdit,andwillaffirmit(beforeanyPrinceinEurope)tobethemostsovereignandpreciousherbthatevertheearthtenderedtotheuseofman.

Lor.ju.Oh,thisspeechwouldhavedonerareinanapothecnry'smouth.[EnterPisoandCOB.

Pis.Ay;closebySaintAnthony's:DoctorClement's.

Cob.Oh,oh.

Bob.Where'sthematchIgavethee?

Pis.'SMood,wouldhismatch,andhe,andpipe,andall,wereatSanctoDomingo.[Exit.

Cob.ByGod'sdeins,Imariewhatpleasureorfelicitytheyhaveintakingthisroguishtobacco;it'sgoodfornothingbuttochokeaman,andfillhimfullofsmokeandembers:therewerefourdiedoutofonehouselastweekwithtakingofit,andtunmorethebellwentforyesternight,oneofthem(theysay)will

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ne'erescapeit,hevoidedabushelofsootyesterday,upwardanddownward.Bythestocks,antherewerenowisermenthanI,I'dhaveitpresentdeath,manorwoman,thatshouldbutdealwithatobaccopipe;why,itwillstiflethemallintheendasmanyasuseit;it'slittlebetterthanrat's-bane.[ExitPiso.

All.Oh,goodSignior;hold,hold.

Bob.Youbasecullion,you.

Pis.Sir,here'syourmatch;come,thoumustneedsbetalkingtoo.

Cob.Nay,hewillnotmeddlewithhismatch,Iwarrantyou;well,itshallbeadearbeating,anIlive.

Bob.Doyouprate?

Lor.ju.Nay,goodSignior,willyouregardthehumourofafool?Away,knave.

Pros.Piso,gethimaway.[ExitPisoandCob.

Bob.Awhoresonfilthyslave,aturd,anexcrement.BodyofCcesar,butthatIscorntoletforthsomeanaspirit,I'dhavestabb'dhimtotheearth.

Pros.Marry,Godforbid,sir.

Bob.Bythisfairheaven,Iwouldhavedoneit.

Step.Oh,heswearsadmirably:(bythisfairheaven!)BodyofCcesar:Ishallneverdoit,sure(uponmysalvation).No,Ihavenottherightgrace.

Mat.Signior,willyouany?Bythisair,themostdivinetobaccoaseverIdrunk.

Lor.ju.Ithankyou,sir.

Step.Oh,thisgentlemandothitrarelytoo,butnothingliketheother.Bythisair,asIamagentleman:ByPhoebus.[ExitBob.

Mus.Master,glance,glance:SigniorProspero.andMat.

Step.AsIhaveasoultobesaved,Idoprotest—

Pros.Thatyouareafool.

Lor.ju.Cousin,willyouanytobacco?

Step.Ay,sir:uponmysalvation.

Lor.ju.Hownow,cousin?

Step.Iprotest,asIamagentleman,butnosoldierindeed.

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Pros.No,Signior,asIremember,youservedonagreathorse,lastgeneralmuster.

Step.Ay,sir,that'strue,cousin,mayIswearasIamasoldier,bythat?'

Lor.ju.Ohyes,thatyoumay.

Step.ThenasIamagentleman,andasoldier,itisdivinetobacco.

Pros.Butsoft,where'sSigniorMatheo?gone?

Mus.No,sir,theywentinhere.

Pros.Oh,let'sfollowthem:SigniorMatheoisgonetosalutehismistress,sirrah,nowthoushalthearsomeofhisverses,forhenevercomeshitherwithoutsomeshredsofpoetry:Come,SigniorStephana.Musco.

Step.Musco?where?IsthisMusco?

Lor.ju.Ay;butpeace,cousin,nowordsofitatanyhand.

Step.NotI,bythisfairheaven,asIhaveasoultobesaved,byPhabus.

Pros.Ohrare!yourcousin'sdiscourseissimplysuited,allinoaths.

Lor.ju.Ay,helacksnothingbutalittlelightstuff,todrawthemoutwithal,andhewererarelyfittedtothetime.[Exeunt.

SCENEIII.—EnterTHORELLOwithCOB.

Tho.Ha,howmanyarethere,sayestthou?

Cob.Marry,sir,yourbrother,SigniorProspero.

Tho.Tut,besidehim:whatstrangersarethere,man?

Cob.Strangers?letmesee,one,two;mass,Iknownotwell,there'ssomany.

Tho.How?somany?

Cob.Ay,there'ssomefiveorsixofthematthemost.

Tho.Aswarm,aswarm?Spiteofthedevil,howtheystingmyheart!Howlonghastthoubeencominghither,Cob?

Cob.Butalittlewhile,sir.

Tho.Didstthoucomerunning?

Cob.No,sir.

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Tho.Tut,thenIamfamiliarwiththyhaste.Bantomyfortunes:whatmeantItomarry?Ithatbeforewasrank'dinsuchcontent,Mymindattiredinsmoothsilkenpeace,Beingfreemasterofmineownfreethoughts,Andnowbecomeaslave?what,neversigh,Beofgoodcheer,man:forthouartacuckold,'Tisdone,'tisdone:nay,whensuchflowingstore,Plentyitselffallsinmywife'slap,TheCornucopiawillbemine,Iknow.But,Cob,Whatentertainmenthadthey?IamsureMvsisterandmywifewouldbidthemwelcome,ha?

Cob.Likeenough:yetIheardnotawordofwelcomo.

Tho.No,theirlipswereseal'dwithkisses,andthevoi,oDrown'dinafloodofjoyattheirarrival,Hadlosthermotion,state,andfaculty.Cob,whichofthemwas'tthatfirstkiss'dmywife?(Mysister,Ishouldsay,)mywife,alas,Ifearnother:ha?whowasit,say'stthou?

Cob.Bymytroth,sir,willyouhavethetruthofit'

Tho.Ohay,goodCob:Ipraythee.

Cob.God'smyjudge,Isawnobodytobekiss'd,unlosathoywouldhavekiss'dthepostinthemiddleofthewarchou.se;forthereIleftthemall,attheirtobacco,withapox.

Tho.How?weretheynotgoneinthenerethoucam's!''.

Cob.Ohno,sir.

Tho.Spiteofthedevil,whatloIstayherethen?Cob,followme.[*•>''Tim.

Cob.Nay,softandfair,Ihaveeggsonthespit;ICMHIK-Lgo

yet,sir:nowamIforsomediversreasonshammering,hammeringrevenge:oh,forthreeorfourgallonsofvinegar,tosharpenmywits:Revenge,vinegarrevenge,russetrevenge;nay,anhehadnotlieninmyhouse,'twouldneverhavegrievedme;butbeingmyguest,onethatI'llbeswornmywifehaslenthimhersmockoffherback,whilehisownshirthasbeenatwashing:pawnedherneckerchersforcleanbandsforhim:soldalmostallmyplatterstobuyhimtobacco;andyettoseeaningratitudewretchstrikehishost;well,Ihopetoraiseupanhostoffuriesfor't:herecomesM.Doctor.[EnterDoctorCLEMENT,LOKENZOsenior,PETO.

Clem.What'sSigniorTJwrellogone?

Pet.Ay,sir.

Clem.Heartofme,whatmadehimleaveussoabruptly?Hownow,sirrah;whatmakeyouhere?whatwouldyouhave,ha?

Cob.An'tpleaseyourworship,Iamapoorneighbourofyourworship's.

Clem.Aneighbourofmine,knave?

Cob.Ay,sir,atthesignoftheWater-tankard,hardbytheGreenLattice:Ihavepaidscotand

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lotthereanytimethiseighteenyears.

Clem.What,attheGreenLattice?

Cob.No,sir:totheparish:marry,Ihaveseldomscapedscot-freeattheLattice.

Clem.So:butwhatbusinesshathmyneighbour?

Cob.An'tlikeyourworship,Iamcometocravethepeaceofyourworship.

Clem.Ofme,knave?peaceofme,knave?didIe'erhurtthee?didIeverthreatenthee?orwrongthee?ha?

Cob.No,God'smycomfort,Imeanyourworship'swarrant,foronethathathwrong'dme,sir:hisarmsareattoomuchliberty,Iwouldfainhavethemboundtoatreatyofpeace,anIcouldbyanymeanscompassit.

Lor.Why,dostthougoindangerofthylifeforhim?

Cob.No,sir;butIgoindangerofmydeatheveryhourbyhismeans;anIdiewithinatwelve-monthandaday,Imayswear,bythelawsoftheland,thathekill'dme.

Clem.How?how,knave?swearhekill'dthee?whatpretext?whatcolourhastthouforthat?

Cob.Marry,sir,bothblackandblue,colourenough,Iwarrantyou,Ihaveitheretoshewyourworship.

Clem.Whatishethatgaveyouthis,sirrah?

Cob.Agentlemaninthecity,sir.

Clem.Agentleman?whatcallyouhim?

Cob.SigniorBobadilla.

Clem.Good:Butwhereforedidhebeatyou,sirrah?howbeganthequarrel'twixtyou?ha:speaktruly,knave,Iadviseyou.

Cob.Marry,sir,becauseIspakeagainsttheirvagranttobacco,asIcamebythem:fornothingelse.

Clem.Ha,youspeakagainsttobacco?Peto,hisname.

Pet.What'syourname,sirrah?

Cob.OliverCob,sir,setOliverCob,sir.

Clem.TellOliverCobheshallgotothejail.

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Pet.OliverCob,masterDoctorsaysyoushallgotothejail.

Cob.Oh,Ibeseechyourworship,forGod'slove,dearmasterDoctor.

Clem.Nay,God'sprecious!ansuchdrunkenknavesasyouarecometodisputeoftobaccoonce,Ihavedone:awaywithhim.

Cob.Oh,goodmasterDoctor,sweetgentleman.

Lor.se.SweetOliver,wouldIcoulddotheeanygood;masterDoctor,letmeintreat,sir.

Clem.What?atankard-bearer,athread-barerascal,abeggar,aslavethatneverdrunkoutofbetterthanpiss-potmetalinhislife,andhetodepraveandabusethevirtueofanherbsogenerallyreceivedinthecourtsofprinces,thechambersofnobles,thebowersofsweetladies,thecabinsofsoldiers:Pelo,awaywithhim,byGod'spassion,Isay,goto.

Cob.DearmasterDoctor.

Lor.se.Alas,poorOliver.

Clem.Peto:ay:andmakehimawarrant,heshallnotgo,Ibutfeartheknave.

Cob.0divineDoctor,thanks,nobleDoctor,mostdaintyDoctor,deliciousDoctor.[ExeuntPetowithCob.

Clem.SigniorLorenzo:God'spity,man,Bemerry,bemerry,leavethesedumps.

Lor.se.Troth,wouldIcould,sir:butenforcedmirth(Inmyweakjudgment)hasnohappybirth.Themind,beingonceaprisoneruntocares,Themoreitdreamsonjoy,theworseitfares.AsmilinglookistoaheavysoulAsagiltbiastoaleadenbowl,Which(initself)appearsmostvile,beingspentTonotrueuse;butonlyforostent.

Clem.Nay,but,goodSignior,hearmeaword,hearmeaword,yourcaresarenothing;theyarelikemycap,soonputon,andassoonputoff.What?yoursonisoldenoughtogovernhimself;lethimrunhiscourse,it'stheonlywaytomakehimastaidman:ifhewereanunthrift,aruffian,adrunkard,oralicentiousliver,thenyouhadreason:youhadreasontotakecare:butbeingnoneofthese,God'spassion,anIhadtwicesomanycaresasyouhave,I'ddrownthemallinacupofsack:come,come,Imuseyourparcelofasoldierreturnsnotallthiswhile.[Exeunt.

SCENEIV.—EnterGIULIANO,withBIANCITA.

Giu.Well,sister,Itellyoutrue:andyou'lllimlitBOinthrmd.

Bia.Alas,brother,whatwouldyouhaveme.todo?Icannothelpit;yousee,mybrotherProspcrohebringstheminhere,theyarehisfriends.

Qiu.Hisfriends?hisfriends?Vhlood.theydonothingbuthaunthimupanddownlikeasortofunluckysprites,andtempthimtoallmannerofvillainythatcanbethoughtof;well,by

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this

light,alittlethingwouldmakemeplaythedevilwithsomeofthem;an'twerenotmoreforyourhusband'ssakethananythingelse,I'dmakethehousetoohotforthem;theyshouldsayandswear,hellwerebrokenloose,eretheywent.ButbyGod'sbread,'tisnobody'sfaultbutyours;foranyouhaddoneasyoumighthavedone,theyshouldhavebeendamn'deretheyshouldhavecomein,e'eraoneofthem.

Bia.God'smylife;didyoueverhearthelike?whatastrangemanisthis!couldIkeepoutallthem,thinkyou?Ishouldputmyselfagamsthalfadozenmen,shouldI?Goodfaith,you'dmadthepatient'stbodyintheworld,tohearyoutalkso,withoutanysenseorreason.[EnterMATHEOwithHESPERIDA,BOBADTT.TA,

STEPHANO,LORENZOjunior,PBOSPERO,Musco.

Hesp.Servant,(introth)youaretooprodigalofyourwits'treasure,thustopouritforthuponsomeanasubjectasmyworth.

Mat.Yousaywell,yousaywell.

Giu.Hoyday,hereisstuff.

Lor.ju.Oh,nowstandclose;prayGodshecangethimtoreadit.

Pros.Tut,fearnot:Iwarranttheehewilldoitofhimselfwithmuchimpudency.

Hes.Servant,whatisthatsame,Iprayyou?

Mat.Marry,anElegy,anElegy,anoddtoy.

Giu.Ay,tomockanapewithal.OJesu.

Bia.Sister,Iprayyoulet'shearit.

Mat.Mistress,I'llreadit,ifyouplease.

Hes.Iprayyoudo,servant.

Giu.Oh,here'snofoppery.'Sblood,itfretsmetothegalltothinkonit.[Exit.

Pros.Ohay,itishiscondition,peace:wearefairlyridofhim.

Mat.Faith,Ididitinanhumour:Iknownothowitis,butpleaseyoucomenear,signior:thisgentlemanhathjudgment,heknowshowtocensureofa1prayyou,sir,youcanjudge.

Step.NotI,sir:as/haveasoultobesaved,asIamagentleman.

Lor.ju.Nay,it'swell;solongashedothnotforswearhimself.

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Bob.Signior,youabusetheexcellencyofyourmistressandherfairsister.Fie,whileyouliveavoidthisprolixity.

Mat.Ishall,sir;well,inciperedulce.

Lor.ju.How,inciperedulce?asweetthingtobeafoolindeed.

Pros.What,doyoutakeincipereinthatsense?

Lor.ju.Youdonot,you?'Sblood,thiswasyourvillainytogullhimwithamotte.

Pros.Oh,thebenchers'phrase:paucaverba,paucaverba.

Mat.Rarecreature,letmespeakwithoutoffence,WouldGodmyrudeivordshadtheinfluenceTorulethythoughts,asthyfairlooksdomine,Thenshouldstthoubehisprisoner,whoisthine.

Lor.ju.'Sheart,thisisinHeroandLeander!

Pros.Ohay:peace,weshallhavemoreofthis.

Mat.Benotunkindandfair:misshapenstuffIsofbehaviourboisterousandrough:

Howlikeyouthat,Signior?'sblood,heshakeshisheadlikeabottle,tofeelantherebeanybraininit.

Mat.Butobservethecatastrophenow,AndIindutywillexceedallother,Asyouinbeautydoexcellove'smoth'r.

Lor.ju.Well,I'llhavehimfreeofthebrokers,forheuttersnothingbutstolenremnants.

Pros.Nay,goodcritic,forbear.

Lor.ju.Apoxonhim,hanghim,filchingrogue,stealfromthedead?it'sworsethansacrilege.

Pros.Sister,whathaveyouhere?verses?Iprayyoulet'ssee.

Bia.Doyouletthemgosolightly,sister?

Hes.Yes,faith,whentheycomelightly.

Bia.Ay,butifyourservantshouldhearyou,hewouldtakeitheavily.

Hes.Nomatter,heisabletobear.

Bia.Soareasses.

Hes.Soishe.

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Pros.SigniorMatheo,whomadetheseverses?theyareexcellentgood.

Mat.0God,sir,it'syourpleasuretosayso,sir.Faith,Imadethemextemporethismorning.

Pros.Howextempore?

Mat.Ay,wouldImightbedamn'delse;askSigniorBobadilla.Hesawmewritethem,atthe—(poxonit)theMitreyonder.

Mus.Well,anthePopeknewhecursedtheMitreitwereenoughtohavehimexcommunicatedallthetavernsinthetown.

Step.Cousin,howdoyoulikethisgentleman'sverses?

Lor.ju.Oh,admirable,thebestthateverIheard.

Step.Bythisfairheavens,theyareadmirable,ThebestthateverIheard.[EnterGIULIANO.

Giu.IamvextIcanholdneveraboneofmestill,'Sblood,IthinktheymeantobuildaTabernaclehere,well?

Pros.Sister,youhaveasimpleservanthere,thatcrownsyourbeautywithsuchencomiumsanddevices,youmayseewhatitistobethemistressofawitthatcanmakeyourperfectionssotransparent,thateverybleareyemaylookthroughthem,andseehimdrownedoverheadandearsinthedeepwellofdesire.SisterBiancha,Imarvelyougetyounotaservantthatcanrhymeanddotrickstoo.

Giu.Omonster!impudenceitself!tricksI

Bia.Tricks,brother?whattricks?

Hes.Nay,speak,Iprayyou,whattricks?

Bia.Ay,neverspareanybodyhere:butsay,whattrick*?

Hes.Passionofmyheart!dotricks?

Pros.'Sblood,here'satrickvied,andrevied:why,youmon-k'-ys,you!whataeater-waulingdoyoukeeplhashenotgivenyourhymes,andverses,andtricks?

Giu.Oh,seethedevil!

Pros.Nay,youlampofvirginity,thattakeitinsnuffso:come

andcherishthistamepoeticalfuryinyourservant,you'llbebegg'delseshortlyforaconcealment:goto,rewardhismuse,youcannotgivehimlessthanashillinginconscience,forthebookhehaditoutofcosthimatestonattheleast.Hownow,gallants,Lorenzo,SigniorBobadilla!what,allsonsofsilence?nospirit.

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Giu.Come,youmightpractiseyourruffiantrickssomewhereelse,andnothere,Iwiss:thisisnotavern,nornoplaceforsuchexploits.

Pros.'Sheart,hownow!

Giu.Nay,boy,neverlookaskanceatmeforthematter;I'lltellyouofit,byGod'sbread,ay,andyouandyourcompanionsmendyourselveswhenIhavedone.

Pros.Mycompanions?

Giu.Ay,yourcompanions,sir,soIsay!'Sblood,Iamnotafraidofyounorthemneither,youmusthaveyourpoets,andyourcavaliers,andyourfoolsfollowyouupanddownthecity,andheretheymustcometodomineerandswagger?sirrah,youballad-singer,andslops,yourfellowthere,getyouout;getyouout:or(bythewillofGod)I'llcutoffyourears,goto.

Pros.'Sblood,stay,let'sseewhathedaredo:cutoffhisears;youareanass,touchanymanhere,andbytheLordI'llrunmyrapiertothehiltsinthee.

Giu.Yea,thatwouldIfainsee,boy.

Bia.OJesu!Piso!MatheoImurder!

Hes.Help,help,Piso!

[Theyalldraw,enterPisoandsomemoreoftheJwusetopartthem,thewomenmakeagreatcry.

Lor.ju.Gentlemen,Prospero,forbear,Iprayyou.

Bob.Well,sirrah,youHolofernes:bymyhand,Iwillpinkthyfleshfullofholeswithmyrapierforthis,Iwill,bythisgoodheaven:nay,lethimcome,lethimcome,gentlemen,bythebodyofSt.George,I'llnotkillhim.[Theyoffertofightagain,andareparted.

Pis.Hold,hold,forbear.

Giu.Youwhoreson,braggingcoistril.[EnterTHORELLO.

Tho.Why,hownow?what'sthematter?whatstirishere?Whencespringsthisquarrel?Piso,whereishe?Putupyourweapons,andputoffthisrage.Mywifeandsister,theyarecauseofthis.What,Piso?whereisthisknave?

Pis.Here,sir.

Pros.Come,let'sgo:thisisoneofmybrother'sancienthumours,this.

Step.Iamgladnobodywashurtbythisancienthumour.

[ExitProspero,Lorenzoju.,Musco,Stephano,Bobadilla,Matheo.

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Tho.Why,hownow,brother,whoenforcedthisbrawl?

Giu.Asortoflewdrake-hells,thatcareneitherforGodnorthedevil.Andtheymustcomeheretoreadballadsandroguery,andtrash.I'llmartheknotofthemereIsleep,perhaps;especiallySigniorPithagoras,hethat'sallmannerofshapes:andsongsandsonnets,hisfellowthere.

Hes.Brother,indeedyouaretooviolent,Toosuddeninyourcourses,andyouknowMybrotherProsperoustemperwillnotbearAnyreproof,chieflyinsuchapresence,Whereeveryslightdisgraceheshouldreceive,Wouldwoundhiminopinionandrespect.

Giu.Respect?whattalkyouofrespect'mongstsuchAshadneithersparkofmanhoodnorgoodmanners?ByGodIamashamedtohearyou:respect?[Exit.

Hes.Yes,therewasoneacivilgentleman,Andveryworthilydemeanedhimself.

Tho.Oh,thatwassomeloveofyours,sister.

Hes.Aloveofmine?i'faith,IwouldhewereXoother'slovebutmine.

Bia.Indeed,heseem'dtobeagentlemanofanexceedingfairdisposition,andofveryexcellentgoodparts.

[ExitHesperida,Biancha.

Tho.Herlove,byJesu:mywife'sminion,Fairdisposition?excellentgoodparts?'Sheart,thesephrasesareintolerable,Goodparts?howshouldsheknowhisparts?well,well,Itistooplain,tooclear:Piso,comehither.What,aretheygone?

Pis.Ay,sir,theywentin.

Tho.Areanyofthegallantswithin?

Pis.Xo,sir,theyareallgone.

Tho.Artthousureofit?

Pis.Ay,sir,Icanassureyou.

Tho.Piso,whatgentlemanwasthattheypraisedso?

Piso.OnetheycallhimSigniorLorenzo,afairyounggentleman,sir.

Tho.Ay,Ithoughtso:mymindgavemeasmuch:'Sblood,I'llbehang'diftheyhavenothidhiminthehouse,Somewhere,I'llgosearch,Piso,gowithme,Betruetomeandthoushaltfindmebountiful.[Exeunt.

SCEXEV.—EnterCOB,tohimTIB.

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Cob.What,Tib,Tib,Isay.

Tib.Hownow,whatcuckoldisthatknockssohard?Oh,husband,is'tyou?What'sthenews?

Cob.Nay,youhavestunn'dme,i'faith;youhavegivenmeaknockontheforeheadwillstickbyme:cuckold?"Swounds,cuckold?

Tib.Away,youfool,didIknowitwasyouthatknock'd?Come,come,youmaycallmeasbadwhenyouILst.

Cob.MayI?'swounds,Tib,youareawhore.

Tib.'Sheart,youlieinyourthroat.

Cob.How,thelie?andinmythroattoo?doyoulongtobestabb'd,ha?

Tib.Why,youarenosoldier?

Cob.Mass,that'strue,whenwasBobadillahere?thatrogue,thatslave,thatfencingBurgullion?I'llticklehim,i'faith.

Tib.Why,what'sthematter?

Cob.Oh,hehathbastedmerarely,sumptuously:butIhaveitherewillsaucehim,oh,thedoctor,thehonestestoldTrojaninallItaly,Idohonourtheveryfleaofhisdog:aplagueonhim,heputmeonceinavillainousfilthyfear:marry,itvanish'dawaylikethesmokeoftobacco:butIwassmok'dsoundlyfirst,Ithankthedevil,andhisgoodangelmyguest:well,wife,orTib,(whichyouwill)getyouin,andlockthedoor,Ichargeyou;letnobodyintoyou,notBobadillahimself,northedevilinhislikeness;youareawoman;youhavefleshandbloodenoughinyou;thereforebenottempted;keepthedoorshutuponallcomers.

Tib.Iwarrantyouthereshallnobodyenterherewithoutmyconsent.

Cob.Norwith}^ourconsent,sweetTib,andsoIleaveyou.

Tib.It'smorethanyouknow,whetheryouleavemeso.

Cob.How?

Tib.Why,sweet.

Cob.Tut,sweetorsour,thouartaflower.Keepclosethydoor,Iasknomore.[Exeunt.

SCENEVI.—EnterLORENZOjun.,PROSPERO,STEPHANO,Musco.

Lor.ju.Well,Musco,performthisbusinesshappily,Andthoumakestaconquestofmyloveforever.

Pros.I'faith,nowletthyspiritsputontheirbesthabit,Butatanyhandrememberthy

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messagetomybrother,Forthere'snoothermeanstostarthim.

Mus.Iwarrantyou,sir,fearnothing;Ihaveanimblesoulthathathwakedallmyimaginativeforcesbythistime,andputthemintruemotion:whatyouhavepossestmewithal,I'lldischargeitamply,sir.Makenoquestion.[ExitMusco.

Pros.That'swellsaid,Musco:faith,sirrah,howdostthouapprovemywitinthisdevice?

Lor.ju.Troth,well,howsoever;butexcellentifittake.

Pros.Take,man:why,itcannotchoosebuttake,ifthecircumstancesmiscarrynot,buttellmezealously:dostthouaft'ectmysisterHesperida,asthoupretendest?

Lor.ju.Prospero,byJesu.

Pros.Come,donotprotest,Ibelievethee:i'faith,sheisavirginofgoodornament,andmuchmodesty,unlessIconceivedveryworthilyofher,thoushouldestnothaveher.

Lor.ju.Nay,IthinkitaquestionwhetherIshallhaveherforallthat.

Pros.'Sblood,thoushalthaveher,bythislight,thoushalt!

Lor.ju.Nay,donotswear.

Pros.BySt.Mark,thoushalthaveher:I'llgofetchherpresently,'pointbutwheretomeet,andbythishand,I'llbringher!

Lor.ju.Hold,hold,what,allpolicydead?nopreventionofmischiefsstirring.

Pros.Why,by—whatshallIswearby?thoushalthaveher,byraysoul.

Lor.jit.Ipraytheehavepatience,Iamsatisfied:Prospero,omitnoofferedoccasionthatmaymakemydesirescomplete,Ibeseechthee.

Pros.Iwarrantthee.[Exeunt.

ACTIV

SCEXEI.—EnterLORENZOsen.,PETO,meetingMusco.

Peto.Wasyourmanasoldier,sir?

Lor.se.Ay,aknave,Itookhimupbegginguponthewa

,

ThismorningasIwascomingtothecity.Oh!hereheis;comeon,youmakefairspeed:Why,whereinGod'snamehaveyoubeensolong?

Mus.Marry,(God'smycomfort)whereIthoughtIshouldhavehadlittlecomfortofyour

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worship'sservice.

Lor.se.Howso?

Mus.OGod,sir!yourcomingtothecity,andyourentertainmentofmen,andyoursendingmetowatch;indeed,allthecircumstancesareasopentoyoursonastoyourself.

Lor.se.Howshouldthatbe?unlessthatvillainMuscoHavetoldhimoftheletter,anddiscoveredAllthatIstrictlychargedhimtoconceal?'tisso.

Mus.I'faith,youhavehitit:'tissoindeed.

Lor.se.Buthowshouldheknowtheetobemyman?

Mus.Nay,sir,Icannottell;unlessitwerebytheblackart?isnotyoursonascholar,sir?

Lor.se.Yes;butIhopehissoulisnotalliedTosuchadevilishpractice:ifitwere,Ihadjustcausetoweepmypartinhim,Andcursethetimeofhiscreation.Butwheredidstthoufindthem,Portensio?

Mus.Nay,sir,ratheryoushouldaskwheretheyfoundme?forI'llbeswornIwasgoingalonginthestreet,thinkingnothing,when(ofasudden)onecalls,SigniorLorenzo'sman:another,hecries,soldier:andthushalfadozenofthem,tilltheyhadgotmewithindoors,whereInosoonercame,butoutfliestheirrapiersandallbentagainstmybreast,theysworesometwoorthreehundredoaths,andalltotellmeIwasbutadeadman,ifIdidnotconferswhereyouwere,andhowIwasemployed,andabout\\hat;which,whentheycouldnotgetoutofme,(asGod'smyjud.ize,theyshouldhavekill'dmefirst,)theylock'dmeupintoaroominthetopofahouse,where,bygreatmiracle,(havingali*_rliiheart)Isliddownbyabottomofpackthreadintothestreet,andsoscaped;hut,master,thusmuchIcanassureyou,forIhearditwhileIwaslock'dup:therewereagreatmanymerchantsandrichciti/.cns'wiveswiththematabanquet,andyourson.SigniorL<>r</izn,has'pointedoneofthemtomeetanonatone(Job'shouse,awater-

bearer's,thatdwellsbythewall:nowthereyoushallbesuretotakehim:forfailhewillnot.

Lor.se.NorwillIfailtobreakthismatch,Idoubtnot;Well,gothoualongwithmasterDoctor'sman,Andstaythereforme;atoneCob'shouse,say'stthou?[Exit.

Mus.Ay,sir,thereyoushallhavehim:whencanyoutell?Muchwench,ormuchson:'sblood,whenhehasstay'dtherethreeorfourhours,travellingwiththeexpectationofsomewhat;andatthelengthbedeliveredofnothing:oh,thesportthatIshouldthentaketolookonhimifIdurst;butnowImeantoappearnomoreaforehiminthisshape:Ihaveanothertricktoactyet;oh,thatIweresohappyastolightuponanouncenowofthisDoctor'sclerk:Godsaveyou,sir.

Peto.Ithankyou,goodsir.

Mus.Ihavemadeyoustaysomewhatlong,sir.

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Peto.Notawhit,sir,Iprayyouwhat,sir,doyoumean?youhavebeenlatelyinthewars,sir,itseems.

Mus.Ay,marryhaveI,sir.

Peto.Troth,sir,Iwouldbegladtobestowabottleofwineonyou,ifitpleaseyoutoacceptit.

Mus.0Lord,sir.

Peto.Buttohearthemannerofyourservices,andyourdevicesinthewars,theysaytheybeverystrange,andnotlikethoseamanreadsintheRomanhistories.

Mus.OGod,no,sir,why,atanytimewhenitpleaseyou,IshallbereadytodiscoursetoyouwhatIknow:andmoretoosomewhat.

Peto.Nobettertimethannow,sir,we'llgototheMermaid:thereweshallhaveacupofneatwine,Iprayyou,sir,letmerequestyou.

Mus.I'llfollowyou,sir,heismineown,i'faith.[Exeunt.

EnterBOBADILLA,LORENZOjun.,MATHEO,STEPHANO.

Mat.Signior,didyoueverseethelikeclownofhimwherewewereto-day:SigniorProsperousbrother?Ithinkthewholeearthcannotshewhislike,byJesu.

Lor.ju.Wewerenowspeakingofhim,SigniorBobadillotellsmeheisfallenfoulofyoutoo.

Mat.Ohay,sir,hethreatenedmewiththebastinado.

Bob.Ay,butIthinkItaughtyouatrickthismorningforthat.Youshallkillhimwithoutallquestion,ifyoubesominded.

Mat.Indeed,itisamostexcellenttrick.

Bob.Oh,youdonotgivespiritenoughtoyourmotion;youaretoodull,tootardy:oh,itmustbedonelikelightning,hay!

Mat.Oh,rare.

Bob.Tut,'tisnothingan'tbenotdoneina—

Lor.ju.Signior,didyouneverplaywithanyofourmastershere?

Mat.Oh,goodsir.

Bob.Nay,foramoreinstanceoftheirpreposteroushumour,therecamethreeorfourofthemtome,atagentleman'shouse,whereitwasmychancetoberesidentatthattime,tointreatmy

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presenceattheirschools,andwithalsomuchimportunedme,that(IprotesttoyouasIamagentleman)Iwasashamedoftheirrudedemeanouroutofallmeasure:well,Itoldthemthattocometoapublicschooltheyshouldpardonme,itwasoppositetomyhumour,butifsotheywouldattendmeatmylodging,IprotestedtodothemwhatrightorfavourIcould,asIwasagentleman,etc.

Lor.ju.So,sir,thenyoutriedtheirskill.

Bob.Alas,soontried:youshallhear,sir,withintwoorthreedaysaftertheycame,andbyJesu,goodSignior,believeme,Igracedthemexceedingly,shewedthemsometwoorthreetricksofpreventionhathgotthemsinceadmirablecredit,theycannotdenythis;andyetnowtheyhateme,andwhy?becauseIamexcellent,andfornootherreasonontheearth.

Lor.ju.ThisisstrangeandvileaseverIheard.

Bob.Iwilltellyou,sir,uponmyfirstcomingtothecity,theyassaultedmesomethree,four,five,sixofthemtogether,asIhavewalk'daloneindiversplacesofthecity;asupontheExchange,atmylodging,andatmyordinary,whereIhavedriventhemaforemethewrholelengthofastreet,intheopenviewofallourgallants,pityingtohurtthem,believeme;yetallthislenitywillnotdepresstheirspleen;theywillbedoingwiththepismire,raisingahillamanmayspurnabroadwithhisfootatpleasure:bymysoul,Icouldhaveslainthemall,butIdelightnotinmurder:Iamlothtobearanyotherbutabastinadoforthem,andyetIholditgoodpolicynottogodisarm'd,forthoughIbeskilful,Imaybesuppressedwithmultitudes.

Lor.ju.Ay,byJesu,mayyou,sir,and(inmyconceit)ourwholenationshouldsustainthelossbyit,ifitwereso.

.606.Alas,no:what'sapeculiarmantoanation?notseen.

Lor.ju.Ay,butyourskill,sir.

Bob.Indeed,thatmightbesomeloss,butwhorespectsit?Iwilltellyou,Signior,(inprivate)Iamagentleman,andlivehereobscure,andtomyself;butwereIknowntotheDuke(observeme)Iwouldundertake(uponmyheadandlife)forthepublicbenefitofthestate,notonlytosparetheentirelivesofhissubjectsingeneral,buttosavetheonehalf,nay,threepartsofhisyearlycharges,inholdingwarsgenerallyagainstallhisenemies;andho\\willIdoit,thinkyou?

Lor.ju.Nay,Iknownot,norcanIconceive.

Bob.Marry,thus,Iwouldselectnineteenmoretomyself,throughouttheland,gentlementheyshouldbeofgoodspirit;strongandableconstitution,Iwouldchoosethembyaninstinct,atrickthatIhave,andIwouldteachthesenineteenthespecialtricks,asyourpunto,yourreverso,yourstncrato,yourimbroccato,yourpas.sado,yourmontanto,tilltheycouldallplayverynearoraltogetheraswellasmyself.Thisdone,saytheenemywerefortythousandstrong:wetwentywouldcomeintothefieldthetenthofMarch,orthereabouts,andwouldchallengetwentyoftheenemy;theycouldnotintheirhonourrefusethecombat:well,weuoiiltikilfthem:challengetwentymore,killthem;twentymore,kill

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them;twentymore,killthemtoo;andthuswouldwekilleverymanhistwentyaday,that'stwentyscore;twentyscore,that'stwohundred;twohundredaday,fivedaysathousand:fortythousand;fortytimesfive,fivetimesforty,twohundreddayskillsthemall,bycomputation,andthiswillIventuremylifetoperform:providedtherebenotreasonpractiseduponus.

Lor.ju.Why,areyousosureofyourhandatalltimes?

Bob.Tut,nevermistrust,uponmysoul.

Lor.ju.Mass,IwouldnotstandinSigniorGiuliano'sstate,then,anyoumeethim,forthewealthofFlorence.

Bob.Why,Signior,byJesu,ifhewereherenow,Iwouldnotdrawmyweapononhim,letthisgentlemandohismind,butIwillbastinadohim(byheaven)aneverImeethim.

EnterGIULIANOandgoesoutagain.

Mat.Faith,andI'llhaveaflingathim.

Lor.ju.Look,yonderhegoes,Ithink.

Giu.'Sblood,whatluckhaveI,Icannotmeetwiththesebraggingrascals.

Bob.It'snothe:isit?

Lor.ju.Yes,faith,itishe.

Mat.I'llbehang'dthenifthatwerehe.

Lor.ju.BeforeGod,itwashe:youmakemeswear.

Step.Uponmysalvation,itwashe.

Bob.Well,hadIthoughtithadbeenhe,hecouldnothavegoneso,butIcannotbeinducedtobelieveitwasheyet.[EnterGiu.

Giu.Oh,gallant,haveIfoundyou?drawtoyourtools;draw,orbyGod'swillI'llthrashyou.

Bob.Signior,hearme.

Giu.Drawyourweaponsthen.

Bob.Signior,Ineverthoughtittillnow:bodyofSt.George,Ihaveawarrantofthepeaceservedonmeevennow,asIcamealong,byawater-bearer,thisgentlemansawit,SigniorMatlieo.

Giu.Thepeace!'Sblood,youwillnotdraw?

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[Matheorunsaway.Hebeatshimanddisarmshim.

Lor.ju.Hold,Signior,hold,underthyfavourforbear.

Giu.Prateagainasyoulikethis,youwhoresoncowardlyrascal,you'llcontrolthepoint,you?yourconsortheisgone;hadhestaidhehadsharedwithyou,infaith.[ExitGiuliano.

Bob.Well,gentlemen,bearwitness,Iwasboundtothepeace,byJesu.

Lor.ju.Why,andthoughyouwere,sir,thelawallowsyoutodefendyourself;that'sbutapoorexcuse.

Bob.Icannottell;Ineversustainedthelikedisgrace(byheaven);sureIwasstruckwithaplanetthen,forIhadnopowertotouchmyweapon.[Exit.

Lor.ju.Ay,likeenough;Ihaveheardofmanythathavebeenbeatenunderaplanet;go,getyoutothesurgeon's,'sblood,anthesebeyourtricks,yourpassados,andyourmontantos,I'llnoneofthem:OGod,thatthisageshouldbringforthsuchcreatures!come,cousin.

Sipp.Mass,I'llhavethiscloak.

Lor.ju.God'swill:it'sGiuliano's.

Step.Nay,but'tisminenow,anothermighthaveta'cnitupaswellasI,I'llwearit,soIwill.

Lor.ju.Howanheseeit?he'llchallengeit,assureyourself.

Step.Ay,butheshallnothaveit;I'llsayIboughtit.

Lor.ju.Adviseyou,cousin,takeheedhegivenotyouasranch.

[Exeunt.EnterTHORELLO,PROSPERO,BIAXCHA,HESPERTDA.

Tho.Nowtrustme,Prospero,youweremuchtoblame,T"incenseyourbrotheranddisturbthepeaceOfmypoorhouse,fortherebesentinels,ThateveryminutewatchtogivealarmsOfcivilwar,withoutadjectionOfyourassistanceandoccasion.

Pros.Noharmdone,brother,Iwarrantyou:sin^et^oreisnoharmdone,angercostsamannothing:andatallmanisneverhisownmantillhebeangry,tokeephisvalourinobscurity,istokeephimselfasitwereinacloak-bag:what'samusicianunlessheplay?what'satallmanunlesshefight?forindeed,allthismybrotherstandsuponabsolutely,andthatmademefallinwithhimsoresolutely.

Bia.Ay,butwhatharmmighthavecomeofit?

Pros.Might?somightthegoodwarmclothesyourhusbandwearsbepoison'dforanythingheknows,orthewholesome\viuehedrunkevennowatthetable.

Tho.Now,Godforbid:0me!nowIremember,Mywifedrunktomelast;andchangedthe

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cup,Andbademewearthiscursedsuitto-day,SeeifGodsuffermurderundiscover'd!Ifeelmeill;givemesomemithridate,Somemithridateandoil;goodsister,fetchme,Oh,Iamsickatheart:Iburn,Iburn;Ifyouwillsavemylife,gofetchitme.

Pros.Oh,strangehumour,myverybreathhathpoi.^on'dhim.

Hes.Goodbrother,becontent,whatdoyoumean7Thestrengthoftheseextremeconceitswillkillyou.

Bia.Beshrewyourheart-blood,brotherProspero,Forputtingsuchatoyintohishead.

Pros.Isafitsimileatoy?willhebepoison'dwithasimile?BrotherThorello,whatastrangeandvainimaginationisli.u?Forshamebewiser,onmysoulthere'snosuchmatter.

Tho.AmInotsick?howamIthennotpoison'd?AmInotpoison'd?howamIthensosick?

Bia.Ifyoubesick,yourownthoughtsmakeyousick.

Pros.Hisjealousyisthepoisonhehathtaken.EntrrMrsrolikethedoctor'*man.

Mus.SigniorThordlo,mymaster.DoctorCinnint,salutesyou,anddesirestospeakwithyou.withall-|,redpos.-iMe.

Tho.Notimebutnow?well,I'llwaituponhisworship,

Cob,I'llseekthemout,andsetthemsentinelstillIreturn.Piso,Cob,Piso.[Exit.

Pros.Musco,thisisrare,buthowgot'stthouthisappareloftheDoctor'sman?

Mus.Marry,sir.Myyouthwouldneedsbestowthewineonmetohearsomemartialdiscourse;whereIsomarshall'dhim,thatImadehimmonstrousdrunk,andbecausetoomuchheatwasthecauseofhisdistemper,Istripthimstarknakedashelayalongasleep,andborrowedhissuittodeliverthiscounterfeitmessagein,leavingarustyarmourandanoldbrownbilltowatchhimtillmyreturn:whichshallbewhenIhavepawn'dhisapparel,andspentthemoneyperhaps.

Pros.Well,thouartamadknave,Musco,hisabsencewillbeagoodsubjectformoremirth:IpraytheereturntothyyoungmasterLorenzo,andwillhimtomeetmeandHesperidaattheFriarypresently:forhere,tellhim,thehouseissostoredwithjealousy,thatthereisnoroomforlovetostanduprightin:butI'llusesuchmeanssheshallcomethither,andthatIthinkwillmeetbestwithhisdesires:Hiethee,goodMusco.

Mus.Igo,sir.[Exit.

EnterTHORELLO,tohimPiso.

Tho.Ho,Piso,Cob,wherearethesevillains,trow?Oh,artthouthere?Piso,harktheehere:MarkwhatIsaytothee,Imustgoforth;Becarefulofthypromise,keepgoodwatch,Noteeverygallantandobservehimwell,Thatentersinmyabsencetothymistress;Ifshewould

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shewhimrooms,thejestisstale,Followthem,Piso,orelsehangonhim,Andlethimnotgoafter,marktheirlooks;Noteifsheofferbuttoseehisband,Oranyotheramoroustoyabouthim,Butpraisehisleg,orfoot,orifshesay,Thedayishot,andbidhimfeelherhand,Howhotitis,oh,that'samonstrousthing:Notemeallthis,sweetPiso;marktheirsighs,Andiftheydobutwhisper,breakthemoff,I'llbeartheeoutinit:wiltthoudothis?Wiltthoubetrue,sweetPiso?

Pis.Mosttrue,sir.

Tho.Thanks,gentlePiso:whereisCob?now:Cob?

[ExitThorello.

Bia.He'severcallingforCob,IwonderhowheemploysCobso.

Pros.Indeed,sister,toaskhowheemploysCobisanecessaryquestionforyouthatarehiswife,andathingnotveryeasyforyoutobesatisfiedin:butthisI'llassureyou,Cob'swifeisanexcellentbawdindeed,andoftentimesyourhusbandhauntsherhouse,marry,towhatendIcannotaltogetheraccusehim,imagineyouwhatyouthinkconvenient:butIhaveknownfairhideshavefoulheartserenow,Icantellyou.

Bia.Neversaidyoutruerthanthat,brother!Piso,fetchyourcloke,andgowithme,I'llafterhimpresently:IwouldtoChristIcouldtakehimthere,i'faith.[ExeuntPisoandBiancha.

Pros.Soletthemgo:thismaymakesportanon,now,myfairsisterHesperida:ah,thatyouknewhowhappyathingitweretobefairandbeautiful!

Hes.Thattouchethnotme,brother.

Pros.That'strue:that'seventhefaultofit,forindeedbeautystandsawomaninnostead,unlessitprocurehertouching:but,sister,whetherittouchyouorno,ittouchesyourbeauties,andIamsuretheywillabidethetouch,antheydonot,aplagueofallceruse,sayI!andittouchesmetooinpart,thoughnotinthee.Well,there'sadearandrespectedfriendofmine,sister,standsverystronglyaffectedtowardsyou,andhathvowedtoinflamewholebonfiresofzealinhisheart,inhonourofyourperfections.IhavealreadyengagedmypromisetobringyouwhereyoushallhearhimconfirmmuchmorethanIamabletolaydownforhim:SigniorLorenzoistheman:whatsayyou,sister;shallIintreatsomuchfavourofyouformyfriend,astodirectandattendyoutohismeeting?uponmysoul,helovesyouextremely,approveit,sweetHesperida,willyou?

Hes.Faith,Ihadverylittleconfidenceinmineownconstancy,ifIdurstnotmeetaman:but,brotherProspero,thismotionofyourssavoursofanoldknightadventurer'sservant,methinks.

Pros.What'sthat,sister?

Hes.Marry,ofthesquire.

Pros.Nomatter,Hesperida,ifitdid,Iwouldbesuchanoneformyfriend,butsay,willyougo

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?

Hes.Brother,Iwill,andblessmyhappystars.EnterCLEMENTandTHORELLO.

Clem.Why,wha.tvillainyisthis?mymangoneonafaN>message,andrunawaywhenhehasdone,why,whattrickisthereinit,trow?1,2,3,4,and5.

Tho.How!ismywifegoneforth,whereisshe,sister?

Hes.She'sgoneabroadwithPiso.

Tho.AbroadwithPiso?Oh,thatvillaindorsme,Hehathdiscoveredalluntomywife,BeastthatIwastotrusthim:whitherwentshe?

Hes.Iknownot,sir.

Pros.I'lltellyou,brother,whitherIsuspectshe's£<>no.

Tho.Whither,forGod'ssake?

I'rns.ToCob'shouse,Ibelieve:butkeepmycounsel.

Tho.Iwill,Iwill,toCob'shouse?d.ithshehaunt('nf/s?She'sgoneapurposenowtocuckoldme,Withthatlewdrascal,whotowinherfavour,Hathtoldherall.[/:/•//.

Clem.Butdidyourmistressseemymanbringhimamessage?

Pros.Thatwedid,masterl>»«-t.>r.

Clem.Andwhitherwenttheknave?

Pros.Tothetavern,Ithink,sir.

Clem.What,didThorellogivehimanythingtospendforthemessagehebroughthim?ifhedidIshouldcommendmyman'switexceedinglyifhewouldmakehimselfdrunkwiththejoyofit,farewell,lady,keepgoodrule,youtwo,Ibeseechyounow:byGod's—;marry,mymanmakesmelaugh.[Exit.

Pros.Whatamaddoctoristhis!come,sister,let'saway.

[Exeunt.EnterMATHEOandBOBADILLA.

Mat.Iwonder,Signior,whattheywillsayofmygoingaway,ha?

Bob.Why,whatshouldtheysay?butasofadiscreetgentleman.Quick,wary,respectfulofnatures,Fairlineaments,andthat'sall.

Mat.Whyso,butwhatcantheysayofyourbeating?

Bob.Arudepart,atouchwithsoftwood,akindofgrossbatteryused,laidonstrongly:borne

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mostpatiently,andthat'sall.

Mat.Ay,butwouldanymanhaveoffereditinVenice?

Bob.Tut,Iassureyouno:youshallhavethereyourNobilis,yourGentilezza,comeinbravelyuponyourreverse,standyouclose,standyoufirm,standyoufair,saveyourretricatowithhisleftleg,cometotheassaultowiththeright,thrustwithbravesteel,defyyourbasewood.ButwhereforedoIawakethisremembrance?Iwasbewitch'd,byJesu:butIwillberevenged.

Mat.Doyouhear,is'tnotbesttogetawarrantandhavehimarrested,andbroughtbeforeDoctorClement?

Bob.Itwerenotamiss,wouldwehadit.[EnterMusco.

Mat.Why,herecomeshisman,let'sspeaktohim.

Bob.Agreed,doyouspeak.

Mat.Godsaveyou,sir.

Mus.Withallmyheart,sir.

Mat.Sir,thereisoneGiulianohathabusedthisgentlemanandme,andwedeterminetomakeouramendsbylaw,nowifyouwoulddousthefavourtoprocureusawarrant,forhisarrest,ofyourmaster,youshallbewellconsidered,Iassurei'faith,sir.

Mus.Sir,youknowmyserviceismyliving,suchfavoursasthesegottenofmymasterishisonlypreferment,andthereforeyoumustconsidermeasImaymakebenefitofmyplace.

Mat.Howisthat?

Mus.Faith,sir,thethingisextraordinary,andthegentlemanmaybeofgreataccount:yetbewhathewill,ifyouwilllaymedownfivecrownsinmyhand,youshallhaveit,otherwisenot.

Mat.Howshallwedo,Signior?youhavenomoney.

Bob.Notacross,byJesu.

Mat.NorI,beforeGod,buttwopence,leftofmytwoshillingsinthemorningforwineandcakes,let'sgivehimsomepawn.

Bob.Pawn?wehavenonetothevalueofhisdemand.

Mat.OLord,man,I'llpawnthisjewelinmyear,andyoumaypawnyoursilkstockings,andpullupyourboots,theywillne'erbemist.

Bob.Well,antherebenoremedy,I'llstepasideandputthemoff.

Mat.Doyouhear,sir?wehavenostoreofmoneyatthis

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butyoushallhavegoodpawns,lookyou,sir,thisjewelandthisgentleman'ssilkstockings,becausewewouldhaveitdispatch'derewewenttoourchambers.

Mus.Iamcontent,sir,Iwillgetyouthewarrantpresently.What'shisname,sayyou,Giuliano?

Mat.Ay,ay,Giuliano.

Mus.Whatmannerofmanishe?

Mat.Atall,bigman,sir;hegoesinacloakmostcommonlyofsilkrusset,laidaboutwithrussetlace.

Mvs.'Tisverygood,sir.

Mat.Here,sir,here'smyjewel.

Bob.Andherearestockings.

Mus.Well,gentlemen,I'llprocurethiswarrantpresently,andappointyouavarietofthecitytoserveit,ifyou'llbeupontheRealtoanon,thevarietshallmeetyouthere.

Mat.Verygood,sir,Iwishnobetter.[ExeuntBoba.andMat.

Mus.Thisisrare,nowwillIgopawnthiscloakofthedoctor'sman'satthebroker'sforavarlet'ssuit,andbethevarietmyself,andgeteithermorepawns,ormoremoneyofGiulianoformyarrecc.[Exit.

ACTV

SCEXEI.—EnterLORENZOsenior.

Lor.se.Oh,hereitis,IamgladIhavefounditnow.Ho!whoiswithinhere?[EnterTIB.

Tib.Iamwithin,sir,what'syourpleasure?

Lor.se.Toknowwhoiswithinbesidesyourself.

Tib.Why,sir,youarenoconstable,Ihope?

Lor.se.Oh,fearyoutheconstable?thenIdoubtnot,Youhavesomeguestswithindeservethatfear;I'llfetohhimstraight.

Tib.O'God'sname,sir.

Lor.se.Goto,tellmeisnottheyoungLorenzohere?

Tib.YoungLorenzo,Isawnonesuch,sir,ofminehonesty.

Lor.se.Goto,yourhonestyfliestoolightlyfromyou:There'snowaybutfetchtheconstable.

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Tib.Theconstable,themanismad,Ithink.[Clapstothedoor.

EnterPisoandBIANCHA.

Piso.Ho,whokeepshousehere?

Lor.se.Oh,thisisthefemalecopes-mateofmyson.NowshallImeethimstraight.

Bin.Knock,Piso,praythee.

Pi*.Ho,goodwife.[EnterTIB.

Tib.Why,what'sthematterwithyou?

Bia.Why,woman,grievesityoutoopeyourdoor?Belikeyougetsomethingtokeepitshut.

Tib.Whatmeanthesequestions,prayye?

Bia.Sostrangeyoumakeit!isnotThorello,mytriedhusband,here?

Lor.se.Herhusband?

Tib.Ihopeheneedsnotbetriedhere.

Bia.No,dame:hedothitnotforneedbutpleasure.

Tib.Neitherforneednorpleasureishehere.

Lor.se.Thisisbutadevicetobalkmewithal;Soft,who'sthis?[EnterTHORELLO.

Bia.Oh,sir,haveIforestall'dyourhonestmarket?Foundyourclosewalks?youstandamazednow,doyou?I'faith(Iamglad)Ihavesmokedyouyetatlast;What'syourjewel,trow?In:come,let'sseeher;Fetchforthyourhousewife,dame;ifshebefairerInanyhonestjudgmentthanmyself,I'llbecontentwithit:butsheischange,Shefeedsyoufat;shesoothesyourappetite,Andyouarewell:yourwife,anhonestwoman,Ismeattwicesodtoyou,sir;Oh,youtreachour.

Lor.se.Shecannotcounterfeitthispalpably.

Tho.Outonthee,morethanstrumpet'simpudency,Steal'stthouthustothyhaunts?andhaveItakenThybawdandthee,andthycompanion,Thishoary-headedletcher,thisoldgoat,Closeatyourvillainy,andwould'stthou'scuseit,Withthisstaleharlot'sjest,accusingme?Oh,oldincontinent,dostthounotshame,Whenallthypowersinchastityarespent,Tohaveamindsohot?andtoenticeAndfeedtheenticementsofalustfulwoman?

Bia.Out,Idefythee,I,dissemblingwretch!

Tho.Defyme,strumpet?askthypanderhere,Canhedenyit?orthatwickedelder.

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Lor.se.Why,hearyou,Signior?

Tho.Tut,tut,neverspeak,Thyguiltyconsciencewilldiscoverthee.

Lor.se.Whatlunacyisthisthathauntsthisman?[EnterGiu.

Giu.Oh,sister,didyouseemycloak?

Bia.NotI,Iseenone.

Giu.God'slife,Ihavelostitthen,sawyouHesperida?

TJw.Hesperida?isshenotathome?

Giu.No,sheisgoneabroad,andnobodycantellmeofitathome.[Exit.

Tho.Oheaven!abroad?whatlight!aharlottoo!Why?why?harkyou,hathshe,hathshenotabrother?Abrother'shousetokeep,tolookunto?Butshemustflingabroad,mywifehathspoil'dher,Shetakesrightafterher,shedoes,shedoes,

Well,yougoodybawdand—[EnterCOB.

Thatmakeyourhusbandsuchahoddy-dodcly;Andyou,youngapplesquire,andoldcuckold-maker,I'llhaveyoueveryonebeforetheDoctor,Nay,youshallanswerit,Ichargeyougo.

Lor.se.Marry,withallmyheart,I'llgowillingly:howhaveIwrong'dmyselfincominghere.

Bia.Gowiththee?I'llgowiththeetothyshame,Iwarrantthee.

Cob.Why,what'sthematter?what'sheretodo?

Tho.What,Cob,artthouhere?oh,Iamabused,Andinthyhouse,wasnevermansowrong'd.

Cob.'Slid,inmyhouse?whowrong'dyouinmyhouse?

Tho.Marry,younglustinold,andoldinyounghere,Thywife'stheirbawd,herehaveItakenthem.

Cob.Doyouhear?didInotchargeyoukeepyourdoorsshuthere,anddoyouletthemlieopenforallcomers,doyouscratch?

[Cobbeatshisu'ifr.

Lor.se.Friend,havepatience;ifshehavedonewronginthis,letheransweritaforetheMagistrate.

Cob.Ay,come,youshallgoaforetheDoctor.

Tib.Nay,Iwillgo,I'llseeanyoumaybeallowedtobeatyourpoorwifethusatevery

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cuckoldlyknave'spleasure,thedevilandthepoxtakeyouallforme:whydoyounotgonow?

Tho.Abitterquean,come,we'llhaveyoutamed.[Exeunt.

EnterMuscoalone.

Mus.Well,ofallmydisguisesyet,nowamImostlikemyself,beinginthisvarlet'ssuit,amanofmypresentprofessionnevercounterfeitstillhelayholduponadebtor,andsaysherestshim,forthenhebringshimtoallmannerofunrest.Akindoflittlekingsweare,bearingthediminutiveofamace,madelikeayoungartichoke,thatalwayscarriespepperandsaltinitself,well,1knownotwhatdangerIundergobythisexploit,prayGodIcomewelloff.[EnterBOBADILLAandMATIIEO.

Mat.See,Ithinkyonderisthevarlet.

Bob.Let'sgoinquestofhim.

Mat.Godsaveyou,friend,arenotyouherebytheappointmentofDoctorClement'sman?

Mus.Yes,an'tpleaseyou,sir;hetoldmetwogentlemenhaduill'dhimtoprocureanarrestupononeSigniorGiulianobyawarrantfromhismaster,whichIhaveaboutme.

Mat.Itishonestlydoneofyouboth;andseewherehecomesyoumustarrest;uponhim,forGod'ssake,beforehebe'ware.

Bob.Bearback,MatheoI\h'ufrrSTKI-HA.VO.

Mus.SigniorGiuliano,Iarrestyou,sir,intheDuke'sname.

Step.SigniorGiuliano!amISigniorGiuliano?IamoneSiirniorStephano,Itellyou,andyoudonotwell,byGod'slid,toarrestme,Itellyoutruly;Iamnotinyourmaster'sbook-,Iwouldyoushouldwellknow;ay,andaplagueofGodonyouformakingmeafraidthus.

.l/'/v.Why,howareyoudeceived,gentlemen?

Bob.Hewearssuchacloak,andthatdeceivedus,Butsee,hereacomes,officer,thisishe.[l-^il^r(iinr\\o.

Giu.Why,hownow,signiorgull:areyouaturn'dlilrheroflate?come,delivermycloak.

Step.Yourcloak,sir?Iboughtitevennowinthemarket.

Mus.SigniorGiuliano,Imustarrestyou,sir.

Giu.Arrestme,sir,atwhosesuit?

Mus.Atthesetwogentlemen's.

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Giu.Iobeythee,varlet;butforthesevillains—

Mus.Keepthepeace,Ichargeyou,sir,intheDuke'sname,sir.

Giu.What'sthematter,varlet?

Mus.YoumustgobeforemasterDoctorClement,sir,toanswerwhatthesegentlemenwillobjectagainstyou,harkyou,sir,Iwilluseyoukindly.

Mat.We'llbeevenwithyou,sir,come,SigniorBobadilla,we'llgobeforeandpreparetheDoctor:varlet,looktohim.

[ExeuntBobadillaandMatheo.

Bob.Thevarletisatallman,byJesu.

Giu.Away,yourascals,Signior,Ishallhavemycloak.

Step.Yourcloak?Isayonceagain,Iboughtit,andI'llkeepit.

Giu.Youwillkeepit?

Step.Ay,thatIwill.

Giu.Varlet,stay,here'sthyfee,arresthim.

Mus.SigniorStephano,Iarrestyou.

Step.Arrestme!there,takeyourcloak:I'llnoneofit.

Giu.Nay,thatshallnotserveyourturn,varlet,bringhimaway,I'llgowiththeenowtotheDoctor's,andcarryhimalong.

Step.Why,isnothereyourcloak?whatwouldyouhave?

Giu.Icarenotforthat.

Mus.Iprayyou,sir.

Giu.Nevertalkofit;Iwillhavehimanswerit.

Mus.Well,sir,thenI'llleaveyou,I'lltakethisgentleman'swordforhisappearance,asIhavedoneyours.

Giu.Tut,I'llhavenowordstaken,bringhimalongtoanswerit.

Mus.Goodsir,Ipitythegentleman'scase,here'syourmoneyagain.

Giu.God'sbread,tellnotmeofmymoney,bringhimaway,Isay.

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Mus.Iwarrantyou,hewillgowithyouofhimself.

Giu.Yetmoreado?

Mii£.Ihavemadeafairmashofit.

Step.MustIgo?[Exeunt.

EnterDoctorCLEMENT,THORELLO,LOREXZOsenior,BIAKCHA,Piso,TIB,aServantortwooftheDoctor's.

Clem.Nay,butstay,stay,givemeleave;mychair,sirrah;you,SigniorLorenzo,sayyouwentthithertomeetyourson.

Lor.se.Ay,sir.

Clem.Butwhodirectedyouthither?

Lor.se.Thatdidmyman,sir.

Clem.Whereishe?

Lor.se.Nay,Iknownotnow,Ilefthimwithyourclerk,Andappointedhimtostayhereforme.

Clem.Aboutwhattimewasthis?

Lor.se.Marry,betweenoneandtwo,asItakeit.

Clem.So,whattimecamemymanwiththemessagetoyou,SigniorThorello?

Tho.Aftertwo,sir.

Clem.Verygood,but,lady,howthatyouwereatCob's,ha?

Bia.An'tpleaseyou,sir,I'lltellyou:mybrotherProsperotoldmethatCob'shousewasasuspectedplace.

Clem.Soitappears,methinks;buton.

Bia.Andthatmyhusbandusedthitherdaily.

Clem.Nomatter,soheusehimselfwell.

Bia.True,sir,butyouknowwhatgrowsbysuchhauntsoftentimes.

Clem.Ay,rankfruitsofajealousbrain,lady:butdidyoufindyourhusbandthereinthatcase,asyoususpected?

Tho.Ifoundherthere,sir.

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Clem.Didyouso?thataltersthecase;whogaveyouknowledgeofyourwife'sbeingthere?

Tho.Marry,thatdidmybrotherProspero.

Clem.How,Prosperofirsttellher,thentellyouafter?WhereisProspero?

Tho.Gonewithmysister,sir,Iknownotwhither.

Clem.Why,thisisameretrick,adevice;youaregulledinthismostgrossly:alas,poorwench,wertthoubeatenforthis?hownow,sirrah,what'sthematter?[EnteroneoftheDoctor'smen.

Ser.Sir,there'sagentlemaninthecourtwithoutdesirestospeakwithyourworship.

Clem.Agentleman?what'she?

Ser.Asoldier,sir,hesayeth.

Clem.Asoldier?fetchmemyarmour,mysword,quickly;asoldierspeakwithme,why,when,knaves?—comeon,comeon,holdmycapthere,so;givememygorget,mysword;standby,Iwillendyourmattersanon;letthesoldierenter,now,sir,whathaveyoutosaytome?[EnterBOBADILLAandMATHEO.

Bob.Byyourworship'sfavour.

Clem.Nay,keepout,sir,Iknownotyourpretence,yousendmeword,sir,youareasoldier,why,sir,youshallbeansweredhere,herebethemhavebeenamongstsoldiers.Sir,yourpleasure.

Bob.Faith,sir,soitis:thisgentlemanandmyselfhavebeenmostviolentlywrongedbyoneSigniorGiuliano:agallantofthecityhere;andformyownpart,Iprotest,beingamaninnosortgiventothisfilthyhumourofquarrelling,hehathassaultedmeinthewayofmypeace,despoiledmeofminehonour,disarmedmeofmyweapons,andbeatenmeintheopenstreets:when1notsomuohasonceofferedtoresisthim.

Clem.Oh,God'sprecious,isthisthesoldier?hero,takemyarmourquickly,'twillmakehimswoon,IfY-ur;lieisnutlittolookon'tthatwillputupablow.\KntrrServant.

Mat.An'tpleasevourworship,howa^boundtothepeace.

('!<in.\Vhv,anhewere,sir,hishandswerenotbound,werethey?

Ser.Thereisoneofthevarletsofthecityhasbroughttwogentlemenhereuponarrest,sir.

Clem.Bidhimcomein,setbythepicture.

EnterMTJSCOwithGIULIANOandSTEPHANO.

Now,sir,what!SigniorGiuliano?is'tyouthatarearrestedatsigniorfreshwater'ssuithere?

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Giu.I'faith,masterDoctor,andhere'sanotherbroughtatmysuit.

Clem.Whatareyou,sir?

Step.Agentleman,sir;oh,uncle?

Clem.Uncle?who,Lorenzo?

Lor.se.Ay,sir.

Step.God'smywitness,myuncle,Iamwrong'dheremonstrously;hechargethmewithstealingofhiscloak,andwouldImightneverstir,ifIdidnotfinditinthestreetbychance.

Giu.Oh,didyoufinditnow?yousaidyouboughtiterewhile.

Step.AndyousaidIstoleit,nay,nowmyuncleishereIcarenot.

Clem.Well,letthisbreatheawhile;youthathavecausetocomplainthere,standforth;hadyouawarrantforthisarrest?

Bob.Ay,an'tpleaseyourworship.

Clem.Nay,donotspeakinpassionso,wherehadyouit?

Bob.Ofyourclerk,sir.

Clem.That'swell,anmyclerkcanmakewarrants,andmyhandnotatthem;whereisthewarrant?varlet,haveyouit?

Mus.No,sir,yourworship'smanbidmedoitforthesegentlemen,andhewouldbemydischarge.

Clem.Why,SigniorGiuliano,areyousuchanovicetobearrestedandneverseethewarrant?

Giu.Why,sir,hedidnotarrestme.

Clem.No?howthen?

Giu.Marry,sir,hecametomeandsaidhemustarrestme,andhewouldusemekindly,andsoforth.

Clem.Oh,God'spity,wasitso,sir?hemustarrestyou.Givememylongswordthere;helpmeoff,so;comeon,sirvarlet,Imustcutoffyourlegs,sirrah;nay,standup,I'lluseyoukindly;Imustcutoffyourlegs,Isay.

Mus.Oh,goodsir,Ibeseechyou,nay,goodmasterDoctor.Oh,goodsir.

Clem.Imustdoit;thereisnoremedy;Imustcutoffyourlegs,sirrah.Imustcutoffyourears,yourascal,Imustdoit;Imustcutoffyournose,Imustcutoffyourhead.

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Mus.Oh,forGod'ssake,goodmasterDoctor.

Clem.Well,rise;howdostthounow?dostthoufeelthyselfwell?hastthounoharm?

Mus.No,IthankGod,sir,andyourgoodworship.

Clem.Whyso?IsaidImustcutoffthylegs,andImustcutoffthyarms,andImustcutoffthyhead;butIdidnotdoitso:yousaidyoumustarrestthisgentleman,butyoudidnotarresthim,youknave,youslave,yourogue,doyousayyoumustarrest^

sirrah?awaywithhimtothejail,I'llteachyouatrickforyourmust.

Mus.GoodmasterDoctor,Ibeseechyoubegoodtome.

Clem.Marryo'God:awaywithhim,Isay.

Mus.Nay,'sblood,beforeIgotoprison,I'llputonmyoldbrazenface,anddisclaiminmyvocation:I'lldiscover,that'sflat,anIbecommitted,itshallbeforthecommittingofmorevillainiesthanthis,hangmeanIlosetheleastgrainofmyfame.

Clem.Why?when,knave?byGod'smarry,I'llclaptheebytheheelstoo.

Mus.Hold,hold,Iprayyou.

Clem.What'sthematter?staythere.

Mus.Faith,sir,aforeIgotothishouseofbondage,Ihaveacasetounfoldtoyourworship:which(thatitmayappearmoreplainuntoyourworship'sview)Idothusfirstofalluncase,andappearinmineownpropernature,servanttothisgentleman:andknownbythenameofMusco.

Lor.se.Ha,Musco!

Step.Oh,uncle,MuscohasbeenwithmycousinandIallthisday.

Clem.DidnotItellyoutherewassomedevice?

Mus.Nay,goodmasterDoctor,sinceIhavelaidmyselfthusopentoyourworship,nowstandstrongforme,tilltheprogressofmytalebeended,andthenifmywitdonotdeserveyourcountenance,'slight,throwitonadog,andletmegohangmyself.

Clem.Bodyofme,amerryknave,givemeabowlofsack,SigniorLorenzo,Ibespeakyourpatienceinparticular,marry,yourearsingeneral,here,knave,DoctorClementdrinkstothee.

Mus.IpledgemasterDoctoran'twereaseatothebottom.

Clem.Fillhisbowlforthat,fillhisbowl:so,nowspeakfreely.

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Mus.Indeed,thisisitwillmakeamanspeakfreely.Buttothepoint,knowthenthatI,Musco,(beingsomewhatmoretrustedofmymasterthanreasonrequired,andknowinghisintenttoFlorence,)didassumethehabitofapoorsoldierinwants,andmindingbysomemeanstointercepthisjourneyinthemidway,'twixtthegrangeandthecity,Iencounteredhim,wherebeggingofhiminthemostaccomplishedandtruegarb,(astheytermit)contrarytoallexpectation,hereclaimedmefromthatbadcourseoflife;entertainedmeintohisservice,employedmeinhisbusiness,possestmewithhissecrets,whichInosoonerhadreceived,but(seekingmyyoungmaster,andfindinghimatthisgentleman'shouse)Irevealedallmostamply:thisdone,bythedeviceofSigniorProsperoandhimtogether,Ireturned(astheravendidtotheark)tomineoldmasteragain,toldhimheshouldfindhiss<minwhatmannerheknows,atoneCW/.shouse,whereindeedhenevermeanttocome;nowmymaster,hetomaintainthejest.wentthither,andleftmewithyourworship'sclerk,who,beingofamostfinesuppledisposition,(asmostofyourclerksare)pmlTersmethewine,whichIhadthegracetoacceptveryeasily,andtothetavernwewent:thereaftermuchceremony,Imadehimdrunkinkindness,stripthimtohisshirt,andleavinghiminthatco,,l

vein,departed,frolick,courtier-like,havingobtainedasuit:whichsuitfittingmeexceedinglywell,Iputon,andusurpingyourman'sphraseandaction,carriedamessagetoSigniorThorelloinyourname;whichmessagewasmerelydevisedbuttoprocurehisabsence,whileSigniorProsperomightmakeaconveyanceofHesperidatomymaster.

Clem.Stay,fillmethebowlagain,here;'twerepityofhislifewouldnotcherishsuchaspirit:Idrinktothee,fillhimwine,why,nowdoyouperceivethetrickofit?

Tho.Ay,ay,perceivewellwewereallabused.

Lor.se.Well,whatremedy?

Clem.WhereisLorenzoandProspero,canstthoutell?

Mus.Ay,sir,theyareatsupperattheMermaid,whereIleftyourman.

Clem.Sirrah,gowarnthemhitherpresentlybeforeme,andifthehourofyourfellow'sresurrectionbecome,bringhimtoo.Butforward,forward,whenthouhastbeenatThorello's.[ExitServant.

Mus.Marry,sir,comingalongthestreet,thesetwogentlemenmeetme,andverystronglysupposingmetobeyourworship'sscribe,entreatedmetoprocurethemawarrantforthearrestofSiguiorGiuliano,Ipromisedthem,uponsomepairofsilkstockingsorajewel,orso,todoit,andtogetavarletofthecitytoserveit,whichvarletIappointedshouldmeetthemupontheRealtoatsuchanhour,theynosoonergone,butI,inamerehopeofmoregainbySigniorGiuliano,wenttooneofSatan'soldingles,abroker,andtherepawnedyourman'sliveryforavarlet'ssuit,whichhere,withmyself,Iofferuntoyourworship'sconsideration.

Clem.Well,givemethyhand;Proh.superiingeniummagnumquisnoscitHomerum.Illiasceternumsilatuissetopus?Iadmirethee,Ihonourthee,andifthymasteroranymanherebeangrywiththee,IshallsuspecthiswitwhileIknowhimforit:doyouhear,SigniorThorello,SigniorLorenzo,andtherestofmygoodfriends,Iprayyouletmehavepeacewhen

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theycome,IhavesentforthetwogallantsandHesperida,God'smarry,Imusthaveyou,friends,hownow?whatnoiseisthere?

EnterServant,thenPETO.

Ser.Sir,itisPetoiscomehome.

Clem.Peto,bringhimhither,bringhimhither,what,hownow,signiordrunkard,inarmsagainstme,ha?yourreason,yourreasonforthis.

Pet.Ibeseechyourworshiptopardonme.

Clem.Well,sirrah,tellhimIdopardonhim.

Pet.Truly,sir,Ididhappenintobadcompanybychance,andtheycastmeinasleepandstriptmeofallmyclothes.

Clem.Tut,thisisnottothepurposetouchingyourarmour,whatmightyourarmoursignify?

Pet.Marry,sir,ithungintheroomwheretheystriptme,andIborroweditofoneofthedrawers,nowintheevening,tocomehome-in,becauseIwaslothtocomethroughthestreetinmyshirt.

EnterLORENZOjunior,PROSPERO,HESPERIDA.

Clem.Well,disarmhim,butit'snomatter,lethimstandby:whobethese?oh,younggallants;welcome,welcome,andyou,lady,nay,neverscattersuchamazedlooksamongstus,Quinilpotestsperaredesperetnihil.

Pros.Faith,masterDoctor,that'sevenI,myhopesaresmall,andmydespairshallbeaslittle.Brother,sister,brother,what,cloudy,cloudy?andwillnosunshineontheselooksappear?well,sincethereissuchatempesttoward,I'llbetheporpoise,I'lldance:wench,beofgoodcheer,thouhastacloakfortherainyet,whereishe?'Sheart,hownow,thepictureoftheprodigal,goto,I'llhavethecalfdrestforyouatmycharges.

Lor.se.Well,sonLorenzo,thisday'sworkofyourshathmuchdeceivedmyhopes,troubledmypeace,andstretch'dmypatiencefurtherthanbecamethespiritofduty.

Clem.Nay,God'spity,SigniorLorenzo,youshallurgeitnomore:come,sinceyouarehere,I'llhavethedisposingofall,butfirst,SigniorGiuliano,atmyrequesttakeyourcloakagain.

Giu.Well,sir,Iamcontent.

Clem.Stay,nowletmesee,oh,signiorsnow-liver,Ihadalmostforgottenhim,andyourGeniusthere,what,dothhesufferforagoodconsciencetoo?dothhebearhiscrosswithpatience?

Mus.Nay,theyhavescarceonecrossbetweenthembothtobear.

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Clem.Why,dostthouknowhim?whatishe?whatishe?

Mus.Marry,searchhispocket,sir,andhe'llshewyouheisanauthor,sir.

Clem.Diemihimusavirum:areyouanauthor,sir?jrivemeleavealittle,comeon,sir,I'llmakeverseswithyounowinhonourofthegodsandthegoddessesforwhatyoudareextempore;andnowIbegin.

MounttheemyPhlegonmuse,andtestify,

HowSaturnsittinginaneboncloud,Disrobedhispodex,whiteasivory,

Andthroughthewelkinthunderedallaloud.There'sforyou,sir.

Pros.Oh,hewritesnotinthatheightofstyle.

Clem.No:we'llcomeasteportwolowerthen.FromCatadupaandthebanksofXile,Whereonlybreedsyourmonstrouscrocodile,Nowarewepurposedfortofetchourstyle.

Pros.Oh,toofar-fetch'dforhimstill,masterDoctor.

Clem.Ay,sayyouso?let'sintreatasL'htofhisveinthen.

Pros.Signior,masterDoctordesirestoseeasightofyourvrin,nay,youmustnotdenyhim.

Clem.What,allthisverse,bodyofme,hocarriesa\\holrrealm;acommonwealthofpaperinhishose,let'ssci-sonicofhissubjects.

Untotheboundlessoceanofthybeauty.

Runsthispoorriver,chargedwithstreamsofz>-<i!.

Returningtlieethetributeofmyduty:

Whichheremyyouth,myplaints,mylovereveal.Good!isthisyourowninvention?

Mat.Xo,sir,Itranslatedthatoutofabook,calledDelia.

Clem.Oh,butIwouldseesomeofyourown,someofyourown.

Mat.Sir.here'sthebeginningofasonnetImadetomymistress.

Clem.That,that:who?toMadonnaHesperida,issheyourmistress?

Pros.Itpleasethhimtocallherso,sir.

Clem.Insummertime,whenPhcebus'goldenrays.Youtranslatedthistoo,didyounot?

Pros.Xo,thisisinvention;hefounditinaballad.

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Mat.Faith,sir,Ihadmostoftheconceitofitoutofaballadindeed.

Clem.Conceit,fetchmeacoupleoftorches,sirrah,Imayseetheconceit:quickly1it'sverydark!

Giu.Callyouthispoetry?

Lor.ju.Poetry?nay,thencallblasphemy,religion;Calldevils,angels;andsin,piety:Letallthingsbepreposterouslytranschanged.

Lor.se.Why,hownow,son!what,areyoustartlednow?Haththebrizeprick'dyou,ha?goto;youseeHowabjectlyyourpoetryisrank'dingeneralopinion.

Lor.ju,.Opinion,0God,letgrossopinionsinkandbedamn'dAsdeepasBarathrum,

Ifitmaystandwithyourmostwish'dcontent,IcanrefellopinionandapproveThestateofpoesy,suchasitis,Blessed,eternal,andmosttruedivine:Indeed,ifyouwilllookonPoesyAssheappearsinmany,poorandlame.Patch'dupinremnantsandoldwornrags,Halfstarvedforwantofherpeculiarfood:Sacredinvention,thenImustconfirmBothyourconceitandcensureofhermerit,Butviewherinhergloriousornaments,Attiredinthemajestyofart,Sethighinspirit,withtheprecioustasteOfsweetphilosophy,andwhichismost,Crown'dwiththerichtraditionsofasoulThathatestohaveherdignityprofanedWithanyrelishofanearthlythought:Oh,thenhowproudapresencedothshebear.Thenisshelikeherself,fittobeseenOfnonebutgraveandconsecratedeyes:Xorisitanyblemishtoherfame,Thatsuchlean,ignorant,andblastedwits.Suchbrainlessgulls,shoulduttertheirstol'nwaresWithsuchapplausesinourvulgarears:Orthattheirslubber'dlineshavecurrentpass

Fromthefatjudgmentsofthemultitude,Butthatthisbarrenandinfectedage

lid-Knodifference'twixtthese^raptyspr/»Andatruepoet:thanwhichreverendnameNothingcanmoreadornhuman.[Entf-r!/•///»ir,r^>

CUm.Ay,L/jrinzfj,butelectionisnowgovernedaltogetherbytheinfluenceofhumour,which,insteadofthoseholyflamesrshoulddirectandlightthesoultoeternity,hurlsforthnothingbutsmokeandcon;:-vapours,thatstifleherup,andbereaveher

ofallsightandmotion.Butshemusth:eofhdltbort:given

hertopur./ructions:oh,that'swellsaid,giveme

thvtorch,come,laythisstufftogether.So,givefire!there,-

howourpoet'sgloryshinesbrighterandbrig:/•;!!,stillitincreaseth,oh,nowit'satthehighest,andnowitdeclinesasfast:youEQ-:_•Dante,tictransitgloriarnundi.Wellnow,mytwo

signioroutsio-.---indforth,andlendmeyourlargeears,toa-entence,toasentence:first,you,Signior,shallthisnighttothe'•age,andsoshallyou,sir,fromthenceto-morrow

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morning,you,Signior,shallbecarriedtothemarketcross,andbetherebound;andsoshallyou,sir,inalargemotleycoat,witharodatyourgirdle;andyouinanoldsuitofsackcloth,andtheafyour

papers(saveth*r.rrah)shallmournallday,andatnight

bothtogethersingsomeballadofrepentancevery:.which

youshallmaketothetuneofWhoIvAtfjl*adanda-'*life.

Sirrahbill-man,embraceyouthistorch,andlightthegentleme:theirlodgings,andbecausewetendertheirsafety,youshallwatchthemto-night,youareprovidedforthepurpose,away,andlooktoyourchargewithanopeneye,sirrah.

Bdb.Well,Iamarm'dinsoulagttheworstoffortune.

Mat.Faith,soshouldIbe,anIhadsleptonit.

P(A.Iamarm'dtoo.butIamnotliketosleeponit.

M'us.Oh,howthispleasethme.nt.

dim.Now,SigniorThortlh,Giuiiano,Pro>i.

:>.Andnotme,sir.

Clem.Yes,andyou.sir:IhadI^-Ta-nhehadnotb!

Imusthaveyouallfriends:butfirstawordwithyou,gallant,andyou,lady.

•/..Well,brotherProapero,K-ythisg<-.odlightthai-her".

Iamlothtokindlefresh.butanyouhadcomeinmywalk

withinthesetwohoursIhadgivenyouthatyoushouldnothaveflawedoffagaininbI0te,l'loneit.Iamthea:

_•iethateverbreathedelse,butnowbeshrewmyheaitifI.ouanymaliceint:"h.

Frr,*.Faith,Ididitbuttoholdupajest,andhr-lpnv.rto

ahusband,but,brother7the

jea!%bothof•

uponyourangersomu<h.l'-t"sallbesmoothIneeagain.

Th'.r.Hf-playsuj>'-nn.•!,brotherGiul

tellmeonethin^'I-i:IBmyforeheadanythingrou_

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thanitwaswontto^•

Gin.K._•'.er?yourforeh'n.

Tho.Whyshouldhethensay,besmoothforeheaded,Unlesshejestedatthesmoothnessofit?Andthatmaybe,forhornisverysmooth;Soaremybrows,byJesu,smoothashorn!

Bid.Brother,hadhenohauntthither,ingoodfaith?

Pros.No,uponmysoul.

Bia.Nay,then,sweet-heart:nay,Ipraythee,benotangry,goodfaith,I'llneversuspecttheeanymore,nay,kissme,sweetmuss.

Tho.Tellme,Biancha,donotyouplaythewomanwithme.

Bia.What'sthat,sweet-heart?

Tho.Dissemble.

Bia.Dissemble?

Tho.Nay,donotturnaway:butsayi'faithwasitnotamatchappointed'twixtthisoldgentlemanandyou?

Bia.Amatch?

Tho.Nay,ifitwerenot,Idonotcare:donotweep,Ipraythee,sweetBiancha,nay,sonow!byJesus,Iamnotjealous,butresolvedIhavethefaithful'stwifeinItaly.ForthisIfind,wherejealousyisfed,Hornsinthemindareworse,thanonthehead.Seewhatadroveofhornsflyintheair,Wing'dwithmycleansedandmycredulousbreath:Watchthem,suspiciouseyes,watchwheretheyfall,See,see,onheadsthatthinktheyhavenoneatall.Oh,whataplenteousworldofthiswillcome,Whenairrainshorns,allmenbesureofsome.

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Clem.Why,that'swell,comethen:whatsayyou,areallagreed?dothnonestandout?

Pros.Nonebutthisgentleman:towhominmyownpersonIowealldutyandaffection;butmostseriouslyintreatpardon,forwhatsoeverhathpastintheseoccurrantsthatmightbecontrarytohismostdesiredcontent.

Lor.se.Faith,sir,itisavirtuethatpursuesAnysaverudeanduncomposedspirits,Tomakeafairconstruction,andindeedNottostandoff,whensuchrespectivemeansInviteageneralcontentinall.

Clem.Well,thenIconjureyouallheretoputoffalldiscontentment,first,you,SigniorLorenzo,yourcares;you,andyou,yourjealousy;you,youranger,andyou,yourwit,sir;andforapeace-offering,here'sonewillingtobesacrificeduponthisaltar:say,doyouapprovemymotion?

Pros.Wedo,I'llbemouthforall.

Clem.Why,thenIwishthemalljoy,andnow,tomakeoureveninghappinessmorefull:thisnightyoushallbeallmyguests:wherewe'llenjoytheveryspiritofmirth,andcarousetothehealthofthisheroicspirit,whomtohonourthemoreIdoinvestinmyownrobes,desiringyoutwo,GiulianoandProspero,tobehissupporters,thetraintofollow,myselfwilllead,usheredbymypageherewiththishonourableverse—Clauditejamrivospuerisatpratabiberunt.

EVERYMANOUTOFHISHUMOUR

TOTHENOBLESTNURSERIESOFHUMANITYANDLIBERTYIN

THEKINGDOM

THEINNSOFCOURT

IUNDERSTANDyou,Gentlemen,notyourhouses:andaworthysuccessionofyou,toalltime,asbeingbornthejudgesofthesestudies.WhenIwrotethispoem,Ihadfriendshipwithdiversinyoursocieties;who,astheyweregreatnamesinlearning,sotheywerenolessexamplesofliving.Ofthem,andthen,thatIsaynomore,itwasnotdespised.Nowthattheprinter,byadoubledcharge,thinksitworthyalongerlifethancommonlytheairofsuchthingsdothpromise,Iamcarefultoputitaservanttotheirpleasures,whoaretheinheritorsofthefirstfavourbornit.Yet,Icommanditlienotinthewayofyourmorenobleandusefulstudiestothepublic:forsoIshallsufferforit.Butwhenthegownaridcapisoff,andthelordoflibertyreigns,then,totakeitinyourhands,perhapsmaymakesomebencher,tinctedwithhumanity,readandnotrepenthim.Byyourtruehonourer,BENJONSON.

DRAMATIS

ASPER,thePresenter.

MACILENTE.

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PUNTARVOLO,—hisLady.—WaitingGent.—Huntsman.—Servingmen.—DogandCat.

CARLOBUFFONE.

FASTIDIOUSBRISK,—Cinedo,hisPage.

DELIRO,FALLACE,—Fido,theirServant.—Musicians.

PERSONS

SAVIOLINA.SORDIDO.—HisHind.FUNGOSO.--Tailor,Haberdasher.Shoemaker.

SOGLIARDO.

SHIFT.—Rustics.

NOTARY.

CLOVE,ORANGE.—AGromn.-

Drawers.—Constable,andOfficers.GREX.—CORDATUS—MITIS.

THECHARACTERSOFTHEPERSONS

ASPER,heisofaningeniousandfreespirit,eagerandconstantinreproof,withoutfearcontrollingtheworld'sabuses.Onewhomnoservilehopeofgain,orfrostyapprehensionofdanger,canmaketobeaparasite,eithertotime,place,oropinion.

MACILENTE,amanwellparted,asufficientscholar,andtravelled;who,wantingthatplaceintheworld'saccountwhichhethinkshismeritcapableof,fallsintosuchanenviousapoplexy,withwhichhisjudgmentissodazzledanddistasted,thathegrowsviolentlyimpatientofanyoppositehappinessinanother.

PUNTARVOLO,avain-gloriousknight,over-englishinghistravels,andwhollyconsecratedtosingularity;theveryJacob'sstaffofcompliment;asirthathathlivedtoseetherevolutionoftimeinmostofhisapparel.Ofpresencegoodenough,butsopalpablyaffectedtohisownpraise,tli.itforwantofflatterershecommendshimself,tothefloutageofhisownfamily.Hedealsuponreturns,andstrangeperformances,resolving,indespiteofpublicderision,tosticktohisownfashion,phrase,andgesture.

CARLOBUFFONE,apublic,scurrilous,andprofanejester,thatmoreswiftthanCirce,withabsurdsimiles,willtransformanypersonintodeformity.Agoodfeast-houndorbanquet-beaglr,thatwillscentvonoutasuppersomethreemilesoff,andsweartohispatrons,damnhim!hecameinoars,whenhewasbutwaftedoverinasculler.Aslavethathathanextraordinarygiftinpleasinghispalate,andwillswillupmoresackatasittingthanwouldmakealltheguardaposset.Hisreligionisrailing,andhisdiscourseribaldry.

FASTIDIOUSBRISK,aneat,spruce,affectingcourtier,onethatwearsclotheswell,andinfashion;practisethbyhisglasshowtosalute;speaksgoodremnants,notwithstandingthe

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baseviolandtobacco;swearstersely,andwithvariety;caresnotwhatlady'sfavourhebelies,orgreatman'sfamiliarity:agoodpropertytoperfumethebootofacoach.Hewillborrowanotherman'shorsetopraise,andbackshimashisown.Or,foraneed,onfootcanposthimselfintocreditwithhismerchant,onlywiththegingleofhisspur,andthejerkofhiswand.

DELIRO,agooddotingcitizen,who,itisthought,mightbeofthecommon-councilforhiswealth;afellowsincerelybesottedonhisownwife,andsowraptwithaconceitofherperfections,thathesimplyholdshimselfunworthyofher.And,inthathood-wink'dhumour,livesmorelikeasuitorthanahusband;standinginastruedreadofherdispleasure,aswhenhefirstmadelovetoher.Hedothsacrificetwo-penceinjunipertohereverymorningbeforesherises,andwakesherwithvillainous-out-of-tunemusic,whichsheoutofhercontempt(thoughnotoutofherjudgment)issuretodislike.

FALLACE,Deliro'swife,andidol;aproudmincingpeat,andasperverseasheisofficious.Shedotesasperfectlyuponthecourtier,asherhusbanddothonher,andonlywantsthefacetobedishonest.

SAVIOLINA,acourt-lady,whoseweightiestpraiseisalightwit,admiredbyherself,andonemore,herservantBrisk.

SORDIDO,awretchedhob-nailedchuff,whoserecreationisreadingofalmanacks;andfelicity,foulweather.Onethatneverpray'dbutforaleandearth,andeverweptinafatharvest.

FUNGOSO,thesonofSordido,andastudent;onethathasrevelledinhistime,andfollowsthefashionafaroff,likeaspy.Hemakesitthewholebentofhisendeavourstowringsufficientmeansfromhiswretchedfather,toputhiminthecourtiers'cut;atwhichheearnestlyaims,butsounluckily,thathestilllightsshortasuit.

SOGLIARDO,anessentialclown,brothertoSordido,yetsoenamouredofthenameofagentleman,thathewillhaveit,thoughhebuysit.Hecomesupeverytermtolearntotaketobacco,andseenewmotions.Heisinhiskingdomwhenincompanywherehemaybewelllaughedat.

SHIFT,athread-bareshark;onethatneverwasasoldier,yetlivesuponlendings.Hisprofessionisskeldringandodling,hisbankPaul's,andhiswarehousePicthatch.Takesupsingletestonsuponoaths,tilldoomsday.Fallsunderexecutionsofthreeshillings,andentersintofive-groatbonds.Heway-laysthereportsofservices,andconsthemwithoutbook,damninghimselfhecamenewfromthem,whenallthewhilehewastakingthedietinthebawdy-house,orlaypawnedinhischamberforrentandvictuals.Heisofthatadmirableandhappymemory,thathewillsaluteoneforanoldacquaintancethatheneversawinhislifebefore.Heusurpsuponcheats,quarrels,androbberies,whichheneverdid,onlytogethimaname.Hischiefexercisesare,takingthewhiff,squiringacockatrice,andmakingprivysearchesforimparters.

CLOVEandORANGE,aninseparablecaseofcoxcombs,cityborn;theGemini,ortwinsotfoppery;thatlikeapairofwoodenfoils,arefitfornothingbuttobepractisedupon.Being

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wellflatteredthey'lllendmoney,andrepentwhentheyhavedone.Theirgloryistoinviteplayers,andmakesuppers.Andincompanyofbetterrank,toavoidthesuspectofinsufficiency,willinforcetheirignorancemostdesperately,tosetupontheunderstandingofanything.Orangeisthemosthumorousofthetwo,(whosesmallportionofjuicebeingsqueezedout,)Cloveservestostickhimwithcommendations.

CORDATUS,theauthor'sfriend;amaninlyacquaintedwiththescopeanddriftofhisplot;ofadiscreetandunderstandingjudgment;andhastheplaceofamoderator.

MITIS,isapersonofnoaction,andthereforeweaffordhimnocharacter.

EveryManOutofHisHumour61

THESTAGE.Afterthesecondsounding.EnterCORDATUS,ASPER,andMITIS.

Cor.Nay,mydearAsper.Mit.Stayyourmind.Asp.Away!

Whoissopatientofthisimpiousworld,Thathecancheckhisspirit,orreinhis'tongue?Orwhohathsuchadeadunfeelingsense.Thatheaven'shorridthunderscannotwake?Toseetheearthcrack'dwiththeweightofsin.Hellgapingunderus,ando'erourheadsBlack,ravenousruin,withhersail-stretch'dwings,Readytosinkusdown,andcoverus.Whocanbeholdsuchprodigiesasthese,Andhavehislipsseal'dup?NotI:mysoulWasnevergroundintosuchoilycolours,Toflattervice,anddaubiniquity:But,tenthanarmedandresolvedhand,I'llstriptheraggedfolliesofthetimeNakedasattheirbirth—Cor.Benottoobold.

Asp.Youtroubleme—andwithawhipofstecltPrintwoundinglashes\ntheirironribs.Ifearnomondstamp'dinaprivatebrow.WhenIampleasedt'unmaskapublicvice.Ifearnostrumpet'sdrugs,norruffian'sstab.ShouldIdetecttheirhatefulluxuries:A"obroker's,usurer's,orlawyer'sgripe,WereIdisposedtosay,theyareallcorrupt.Ifearnocourtier'sfrown,shouldIapplaudTheeasyflexureofhissupplehams.Tut,thesearesoinnateandpopular,Thatdrunkencustomwouldnotshametolau^h,Inscorn,athim,thatshouldbutdaretotax'em:Andyet,notoneofthese,butknowshisworks,Knowswhatdamnationis,thedevil,andhell;Yethourlytheypersist,growrankinsin,Puffingtheirsoulsawayinperjurousair,Tocherishtheirextortion,pride,orlusts.

Mit.Forbear,goodAsper;benotlikeyourname.Asp.O,buttosuchwhosefacesareallzeal,And,withthewordsofHercules,invadeSuchcrimesastheseIthatwillnotsmellofsin,Butseemastheyweremadeofsanclitv!Religionintheirgarments,andtheirhairCutshorterthantheireye-brows!whentheconscienceIsvasterthantheocean,anddevoursMorewretchesthanthecounters.

Mit.GentleAsper,

Containyourspiritsinmorestricterhnun-ls,AndbenotthustransportedwiththeviolenceOfyourstrongthoughts.

Cor.Unlessyourbreathhadpower,Tomelttheworld,andmoulditnewagain,Itisinvainto

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spenditinthesetn

Asp.[turningtothestage.]In<>tobserv,-,]//-?\-throngedroundtilln>>:vIGraciousandkindspectators,youareWn//..;ApolloandtheMusesfeastyoureyes

Withgracefulobjects,andmayourMinerva

Answeryourhopes,untotheirlargeststrain!

Yetheremistakemenot,judiciousfriends;

Idonotthis,tobegyourpatience,

Orservilelytofawnonyourapplause,

Likesomedrybrain,despairinginhismerit.

Letmebecensuredbytheausterestbrow,

WhereIwantartorjudgment,taxmefreely.

Letenviouscensors,withtheirbroadesteyes,

Lookthroughandthroughme,Ipursuenofavour;

Onlyvouchsafemeyourattentions,

AndIwillgiveyoumusicworthyourears.

O,howIhatethemonstrousnessoftimet

Whereeveryservileimitatingspirit,

Plaguedwithanitchingleprosyofwit,

Inamerehaltingfury,strivestofling

HisulcerousbodyintheThespianspring,

Andstraightleapsforthapoet!butaslame

AsVulcan,orthefounderofCripplegate.

Mit.Infaiththishumourwillcomeilltosome,"Youwillbethoughttobetooperemptory.

Asp.Thishumour?good!andwhythishumour,Mitis?Nay,donotturn,butanswer.

Mit.Answer,what?

Asp./willnotstiryourpatience,pardonme,Iurgeditforsomereasons,andtheratherTo

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givetheseignorantwell-spokendaysSometasteoftheirabuseofthiswordhumour.

Cor.0,donotletyourpurposefall,goodAsper;Itcannotbutarrivemostacceptable,ChieflytosuchashavethehappinessDailytoseehowthepoorinnocentwordIsrack'dandtortured.

Mit.Ay,Iprayyouproceed.

Asp.Ha,what?whatis't?

Cor.Fortheabuseofhumour.

Asp.O,Icravepardon,Ihadlostmythoughts.Why,humour,asUsens,wethusdefineit,Tobeaqualityofair,orwater,Andinitselfholdsthesetwoproperties,Moistureandfluxure:as,fordemonstration,Pourwateronthisfloor,'twillwetandrun:Likewisetheair,forcedthroughahornortrumpet,Flowsinstantlyaway,andleavesbehindAkindofdew;andhencewedoconclude,Thatwhatsoe'erhathfluxureandhumidity,Aswantingpowertocontainitself,Ishumour.Soineveryhumanbody,Thecholer,melancholy,phlegm,andblood,ByreasonthattheyflowcontinuallyInsomeonepart,andarenotcontinent,Receivethenameofhumours.NowthusfarItmay,bymetaphor,applyitselfUntothegeneraldisposition:AswhensomeonepeculiarqualityDothsopossessaman,thatitdothdrawAllhisaffects,hisspirits,andhispowers,Intheirconductions,alltorunoneway,Thismaybetrulysaidtobeahumour.

EveryManOutofHisHumour63

Butthatarook,bywearingapyedfeather,2hecablehat-band,orthethree-piledruff,Ayardofshoe-tye,ortheSwitzer'sknotOnhisFrenchgarters,shouldaffectahumourIO,itismorethanmostridiculous.

Cor.Hespeakspuretruth;nowifanidiotHavebutanapishorfantasticstrain,Itishishumour.

Asp.Well,Iu'illscourgethoseapes,Andtothesecourteouseyesopposeamirror,Aslargeasisthestagewhereonweact;Wheretheyshallseethetime'sdeformityAnatomisedineverynerve,andsinew,Withconstantcourage,andcontemptoffear.

Mit.Asper,(Iurgeitasyourfriend,)takehe.I,Thedaysaredangerous,fullofexception,Andmenaregrownimpatientofreproof.

Asp.Ha,ha!

Youmightaswellhavetoldme,yond1isheaven.Thisearth,thesemen,andallhadmovedalike.—DonotIknowthetime'scondition?Yes,Mitis,andtheirsouls;andwhotheybeThateitherwillorcanexceptagainstme.Nonebutasortoffools,sosickintaste,Thattheycontemnallphysicofthemind,And,likegalVdcamels,kickateverytouch.Goodmen,andvirtuousspirits,thatloaththeirviccstWillcherishmyfreelabours,lovemylines,AndwiththefervouroftheirshininggraceMakemybrainfruitful,tobringforthmoreobjects,Worthytheirseriousandintentiveeyes.ButwhyenforceIthis?asfainting?no.Ifanyherechance

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tobeholdhimself,Lethimnotdaretochallengemeofwrong;For,ifheshametohavehisfolliesknown,Firstheshouldshametoact'em:mystricthandWasmadetoseizeonvice,andwithagripeSqueezeoutthehumourofsuchspongysouls,Aslickupeveryidlevanity.

Cor.Why,thisisrightfurorpoeticus!Kindgentlemen,wehopeyourpatienceWillyetconceivethebest,orentertainThissupposition,thatamadmanspeaks.

Asp.What,areyoureadythere?Mitis,sitdown.And,myCordatus.Soundho!andbegin.Ileaveyoutwo,ascensors,tosithere:ObservewhatIpresent,andliberallySpeakyouropinionsuponeveryscene,Asitshallpasstheviewofthesespectators.-Yrtv,nowy'aretedious,sirs;forshame;.gin,And,Mitis,noteme;ifinallthisfrontYoucanespyagallantofthismark.Who,tobethoughtoneofthejudicious,Sitswithhisarmsthuswreathed,hishatpnll'ilhere,Criesmew,andnods,thenshakeshisemptyhi\id.Willshewmoreseveralmotionsinhis;ThanthenewLondon,Rome,or\uureh,And,nowandthen,breaksadrybiscuitjest,Which,thatitmaymoreeasilybechcic'd,

Hesteepsinhisownlaughter.

Cor.Why,willthatMakeitbesoonerswallowed?

Asp.0,assureyou.Orifitdidnot,yetasHoracesings,Meancatesarewelcomestilltohungryguests.

Cor.'Tt'strue;butwhyshouldweobservethem,Asper?

Asp.O,Iwouldknow'em;forinsuchassembliesTheyaremoreinfectiousthanthepestilence:AndthereforeIwouldgivethempillstopurge,Andmakethemfitforfairsocieties.Howmonstrousanddetestedis'ttoseeAfellowthathasneitherartnorbrain,SitlikeanAristarchus,orstarkass,Takingmen'slineswithatobaccoface,Insnuffstillspitting,usinghiswry'dlooks,Innatureofavice,towrestandturnThegoodaspectofthosethatshallsitnearhim,Fromwhattheydobehold!0,'tismostvile.

Mit.Nay,Asper.

Asp.Peace,Mitis,Idoknowyourthought;you'llsay,yourguestsherewillexceptatthis:Pish!youaretootimorous,andfullofdoubt.Thenhe,apatient,shallrejectallphysic,'Causethephysiciantellshim,youaresick:Or,ifIsay,thatheisvicious,Youwillnothearofvirtue.Come,youarefond.ShallIbesoextravagant,tothink,Thathappyjudgments,andcomposedspirits,Willchallengemefortaxingsuchasthese?Iamashamed.

Cor.Nay,butgood,pardonus;Wemustnotbearthisperemptorysail,Butuseourbestendeavourshowtoplease.

Asp.Why,thereinIcommendyourcarefulthoughts,AndIwillmixwithyouinindustryToplease:butwhom?attentiveauditors,Suchaswilljointheirprofitwiththeirpleasure,Andcometofeedtheirunderstandingparts:FortheseI'llprodigallyspendmyself,Andspeakawaymyspiritintoair;Forthese,I'llmeltmybrainintoinvention,Coinnewconceits,andhangmyrichestwordsAspolish"djewelsintheirbounteousears?Butstay,Ilosemyself,

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andwrongtheirpatience:IfIdwellhere,they'llnotbegin,Isee.Friends,sityoustill,andentertainthistroopWithsomefamiliarandby-conference,I'llhastethemsound.Now,gentlemen,IgoToturnanactor,andahumorist,Where,ereIdoresumemypresentperson,WehopetomakethecirclesofyoureyesFlowwithdistilledlaughter:ifwefail,Wemustimputeittothisonlychance,Arthathanenemycall'dignorance.[Exit.

Cor.Howdoyoulikehisspirit,Mitis?

Mit.Ishouldlikeitmuchbetter,ifhewerelessconfident.

Cor.Why,doyoususpecthismerit?

Mit.No;butIfearthiswillprocurehimmuchenvy.

EveryManOutofHisHumour65

Cor.O,thatsetsthestrongersealonhisdesert:ifhehadnoenemies,Ishouldesteemhisfortunesmostwretchedatthisinstant.

Mit.Youhaveseenhisplay,Cordatus:prayyou,howisit?

COT.Faith,sir,Imustrefraintofudge;onlythisIcansayofit,'tisstrange,andofaparticularkindbyitself,somewhatlikeVetusComoedia;aworkthathathbounteouslypleasedme;howitwillanswerthegeneralexpectation,Iknownot.

Mit.Doesheobserveallthelawsofcomedyinit?

Cor.Whatlawsmeanyou?

Mit.Why,theequaldivisionofitintoactsandscenes,accordingtotheTerentianmanner;histruenumberofactors;thefurnishingofthescenewithGrexorChorus,andthatthewholeargumentfallwithincompassofa,day'sbusiness.

Cor.Ono,thesearetooniceobservations.

Mit.Theyaresuchasmustbereceived,byyourfavour,oritcannotbeauthentic.

Cor.Troth,Icandiscernnosuchnecessity.

Mit.No!

Cor.No,Iassureyou,signior.Ifthoselawsyouspeakofhadbeendeliveredusabinitio,andintheirpresentvirtueandperfection,therehadbeensomereasonofobeyingtheirpowers;but'tisextant,thatthatwhichwecallComoedia,wasatfirstnothingbutasimpleandcontinuedsong,sungbyoneonlyperson,tillSusarioinventedasecond;afterhim,Epicharmusathird;PhormusandChionidesdevisedtohavefouractors,withaprologueandchorus;towhichCratinus,longafter,addedafifthandsixth:Eupolis,more;Aristophanes,morethanthey;everymaninthedignityofhisspiritandjudgmentsuppliedsomething.And,thoughthatinhimthiskindofpoemappearedabsolute,andfullyperfected,yethowis

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thefaceofitchangedsince,inMenander,Philemon,Cecilius,Plautus,andtherest!whohaveutterlyexcludedthechorus,alteredthepropertyofthepersons,theirnames,andnatures,andaugmenteditwithallliberty,accordingtotheelegancyanddispositionofthosetimeswhereintheywrote.Iseenotthen,butweshouldenjoythesamelicense,orfreepowertoillustrateandheightenourinvention,astheydid;andnotbetiedtothosestrictandregularformswhichthenicenessofafew,whoarenothingbutform,wouldthrustuponus.

Mit.Well,wewillnotdisputeofthisnow;butwhat'shisscene?

Cor.Marry,InsulaFortunata,sir.

Mit.0,theFortunateIsland:mass,hehasboundhimselftoastrictlawthere.

Cor.Whyso?

Mit.Hecannotlightlyalterthescene,withoutcrossingtheseas.

Cor.Heneedsnot,havingawholeislandtorunthrough,Ithink.

Mit.No/howcomesitthen,thatinsomeoneplayweseesomanyseas,countries,andkingdoms,passedoverwithsuchadmirabledextentv?

Cor.O,thatbutshewshowwelltheauthorscantravelintheirvocation,andoutruntheapprehensionoftheirauditory.But,leavingthis,Iwouldtheywouldbeginatonce:thisprotractionisabletosourthebest-settledpatienceinthetheatre.[Thethirdsounding.

Mit.Theyhaveansweredyourwish,sir;theysound.

Cor.0,herecomesthePrologue.

EnterPROLOGSi.

Now,sir,ifyouhadstaidalittlelonger,Imeanttohavespokeyourprologueforyou,i*faith.

Prol.Marry,withallmyheart,sir,youshalldoityet,andIthankyou.

[Coin.;.

Cor.Nay,nay,stay,stay;hearyou?

Prol.Youcouldnothavestudiedtoharedonemea"renterbenefitat//•-•instant;forIprotesttoyou,Iamunpcrjcct,and,hadIspokeit,Imustofnecessityhavebeenout.

Cor.Why,butdoyouspeakthisseriously?

Prol.Seriously!ay,wit'smyhelp,doI;andesteemmyselfindebtedtoyourkindnessforit.

Cor.Forwhat?

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Prol.Why,forundertakingtheprologueforme.

Cor.How!didIundertakeitforyou?

Prol.Didyou!Iappealtoallthesegentlemen,whetheryoudidorno.Come,come,itpleasesyoutocastastrangelookoritnow;but'twillnotserve.

Cor.'Foreme,butitmustserve;andthereforespeakyourprologue.

Prol.AnIdo,letmediepoisonedwithsomevenomoushiss,andneverlivetolookashighasthetwo-pennyroomagain.[Exit.

Mit.Hehasputyoutoit,sir.

Cor.'Sdeath,whatahumorousfellowisthis!Gentlemen,goodfaithIcanspeaknoprologue,howsoeverhisweakwithashadthefortunetomakethisstronguseofmeherebeforeyou:butIprotest—

EnterCARLOBUFFONE,followedbyaBoywithwine.

Car.Come,come,leavethesefustianprotestations;away,come,Icannotabidethesegrey-headedceremonies.Boy,fetchmeaglassquickly,Imaybidthesegentlemenwelcome;givethemahealthhere.[ExitBoy.]Imar'lewhosewititwastoputaprologueinyond'sackbut'smouth;theymightwellthinkhe'dbeoutoftune,andyetyou'dplayuponhimtoo.

Cor.Hanghim,dullblock!

Car.O,goodwords,goodwords;awell-timber'dfellow,hewouldhavemadeagoodcolumn,anhehadbeenthoughton,whenthehousewasabuilding—

Re-enterBoywithglasses.

O,artthoucome?Wellsaid;giveme,boy;fillsoIHere'sacupofwinesparkleslikeadiamond.Gentlewomen(Iamsworntoputtheminfirst)andgentlemen,around,inplaceofabadprologue,Idrinkthisgooddraughttoyourhealthhere,Canary,theveryelixirandspiritofwine.[Drinks.]ThisisthatourpoetcallsCastalianliquor,whenhecomesabroadnowandthen,onceinafortnight,andmakesagoodmealamongplayers,wherehehascaninumappetitum;marry,athomehekeepsagoodphilosophicaldiet,beansandbutter-milk;anhonestpurerogue,hewilltakeyouoffthree,four,fiveofthese,oneafteranother,andlookvillainouslywhenhehasdone,likeaone-headedCerberus.—Hedoesnothearme,Ihope.—Andthen,whenhisbellyiswellballaced,andhisbrainriggedalittle,hesailsawaywithal,asthoughhewouldworkwonderswhenhecomeshome.Hehasmadeaplayhere,andhecallsit,EveryManoutofhisHumour:butanhegetmeoutofthehumourhehasputmein,I'lltrustnoneofhistribeagainwhileIlive.Gentles,allIcansayforhimis,youarewelcome.Icouldwishmybottlehereamongstyou;butthere'sanoldrule,Nopledgingyourownhealth.Marry,ifanyherebethirstyforit,theirbestway(thatIknow)is,sitstill,sealuptheirlips,anddrinksomuchoftheplayinattheirears.[Exit.

Mit.Whatmaythisfellowbe,Cordatus?

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Cor.Faith,ifthetimewillsufferhisdescription,I'llgiveityou.Heisone,theauthorcallshimCarloBuffone,animpudentcommonjester,aviolentrailer,andanincomprehensibleepicure;onewhosecompanyisdesiredofallmen,butbelovedofnone;hewillsoonerlosehissoulthanajest,andProfaneeventhemostholythings,toexcitelaughter:nohonourableorreverendpersonagewhatsoevercancomewithinthereachofhiseye,butisturnedintoallmannerofvariety,byhisadulteratesimiles.

Mit.YOMpaintforthamonster.

Cor.Hewillpreferallcountriesbeforehisnative,andthinkshecanneversufficiently,orwithadmirationenough,deliverhisaffectionateconceitofforeignatheisticalpolicies.Butstay—

EnterMACILENTE.Observethese:he'llappearhimselfanon.

Mit.0,thisisyourenviousman,Macilente,Ithink.

Cor.Thesame,sir.

EveryManOutofHisHumour67

ACTI

SCENEI.—TheCountry.EnterMACILENTE,withabook.

Mad.Viriest,fortunes,ccecitatemfacilefcrre.'Tistrue;but,Stoic,where,inthevastworld,Doththatmanbreathe,thatcansomuchcommandHisbloodandhisaffection?Well,IseeIstriveinvf.intocuremywoundedsoul;ForeverycordialthatmythoughtsapplyTurnstoacorsiveanddotheatitfarther.Thereisnotasteinthisphilosophy;'Tislikeapotionthatamanshoulddrink,Butturnshisstomachwiththesightofit.Iamnosuchpill'dCynicktobelieve,Thatbeggaryistheonlyhappiness;Orwithanumberofthesepatientfools,Tosing:Mymindtomeakingdomis,\Vhenthelankhungrybellybarksforfood,Ilookintotheworld,andthereImeetWithobjects,thatdostrikemyblood-shotIntomybrain:where,whenIviewmyself,Havingbeforeobserv'dthismanisgreat,Mightyandfear'd;thatlov'dandhighlyfavour'd:Athirdthoughtwiseandlearn'd;afourthrich,Andthereforehonour'd;afifthrarelyfeatur'd;Asixthadmiredforhisnuptialfortunes:WhenIseethese,Isay,andviewmyself,Iwishtheorgansofmysightwerecrack'd;Andthattheengineofmygriefcouldcast.Mineeyeballs,liketwoglobesofwildfire,forth,Tomeltthisunproportion'dframeofnature.Oh,theyarethoughtsthathavetransfix'dmyheart,Andoften,inthestrengthofapprehension,.Mademycoldpassionstanduponmyface,Likedropsofdewonastiffcakeofice.

Cor.Thisalludeswelltothatofthepo/f.

Invidussuspirat,gemit,incut/f</nedenies,

Sudatfrigidus,intuensquododit.Mit.0,peace,youbreakthescene.

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EnterSOOLIARDOandCARLOBUFFONE.

Maci.Soft,whobethose?I'lllaymedownawhiletilltheybepast.[LiesJ.-<>/vi.

Cor.*S'>>/»i'>r,ti»t<-i/iixtjulltuit,Iprm/>/<>>/.

.Mit.Whatishe?

Cor.Atamerook,y>»CUtnlcchim}>rtxftith/;li<t.

Sog.Nay,lookyou,Carlo;thisismyhumournow!Ihavelandandmoney,myfriendsleftmewell,andIwillbeagentlemanwhatsoeveritcostme.

Car.Amostgentlemanlikeresolution.

Sog.Tut!anItakeanhumourofathingonce,Iamlikeyourtailor'sneedle,Igothrough:but,formyname,signior,howthinkyou?willitnotserveforagentleman'sname,whenthesigniorisputtoit,ha?

Car.Letmehear;howisit?

Sog.SigniorInsulsoSogliardo:methinksitsoundswell.

Car.Oexcellent!tut!anallfittedtoyourname,youmightverywellstandforagentleman:IknowmanySogliardosgentlemen.

Sog.Why,andformywealthImightbeajusticeofpeace.

Car.Ay,andaconstableforyourwit.

»/7»/

Sog.Allthisismylordshipyouseehere,andthosefarmsyoucameby.

Car.Goodstepstogentilitytoo,marry:but,Sogliardo,ifyouaffecttobeagentlemanindeed,youmustobservealltherarequalities,humours,andcomplimentsofagentleman.

Sog.Iknowit,signior,andifyoupleasetoinstruct,Iamnottoogoodtolearn,I'llassureyou.

Car.Enough,sir.—I'llmakeadmirableuseintheprojectionofmymedicineuponthislumpofcopperhere.[Aside.]—I'llbethinkmeforyou,sir.

Sog.Signior,Iwillbothpayyou,andprayyou,andthankyou,andthinkonyou.

Cor.Isthisnotpurelygood?

Mad.S'blood,whyshouldsuchaprick-ear'dhindasthisBerich,ha?afool!suchatransparentgullThatmaybeseenthrough!whereforeshouldhehaveland,Houses,andlordships?0,Icouldeatmyentrails,Andsinkmysoulintotheearthwithsorrow.

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Car.First,tobeanaccomplishedgentleman,thatis,agentlemanofthetime,youmustgiveoverhousekeepinginthecountry,andlivealtogetherinthecityamongstgallants:where,atyourfirstappearance,'tweregoodyouturn'dfourorfivehundredacresofyourbestlandintotwoorthreetrunksofapparel—youmaydoitwithoutgoingtoaconjurer—andbesureyoumixyourselfstillwithsuchasnourishinthespringofthefashion,andareleastpopular;studytheircarriageandbehaviourinall;learntoplayatprimeroandpassage,andever(whenyoulose)havetwoorthreepeculiaroathstoswearby,thatnomanelseswears:but,aboveall,protestinyourplay,andaffirm,Uponyourcredit,Asyouareatruegentleman,ateverycast;youmaydoitwithasafeconscience,Iwarrantyou.

Sog.0admirablerare!hecannotchoosebutbeagentlemanthathastheseexcellentgifts:more,more,Ibeseechyou.

Car.Youmustendeavourtofeedcleanlyatyourordinary,sitmelancholy,andpickyourteethwhenyoucannotspeak:and

EveryManOutofHisHumour69

whenyoucometoplays,behumorous,lookwithagoodstarch'dface,andruffleyourbrowlikeanewboot,laughatnothingbutyourownjests,orelseasthenoblemenlaugh.That'saspecialgraceyoumustobserve.

Sog.Iwarrantyou,sir.

Car.Ay,andsitonthestageandflout,providedyouhaveagoodsuit.

Sog.O,I'llhaveasuitonlyforthat,sir.

Car.Youmusttalkmuchofyourkindredandallies.

Sog.Lies!no,signior,Ishallnotneedtodoso,Ihavekindredinthecitytotalkof:Ihaveanieceisamerchant'swife;andanephew,mybrotherSordido'sson,oftheInnsofcourt.

Car.0,butyoumustpretendalliancewithcourtiersandgreatpersons:andeverwhenyouaretodineorsupinanystrangepresence,hireafellowwithagreatchain,(thoughitbecopper,it'snomatter,)tobringyouletters,feign'dfromsuchanobleman,orsuchaknight,orsuchalady,Totheirworshipful,rigidrare,aminoblyqualifiedfriendandkinsman,signiorInsitlsoSogliardo:giveyourselfstyleenough.Andthere,whileyouintendcircumstancesofnews,orenquiryoftheirhealth,orso,oneofyourfamiliars,whomyoumustcarryaboutyoustill,breaksitup,as'twereinajest,andreadsitpubliclyatthetable:atwhichyoumustseemtotakeasunpardonableoffence,asifhehadtornyourmistress'scolours,orbreath'duponherpicture,andpursueitwiththathotgrace,asifyouwouldadvanceachallengeuponitpresently.

Sog.Stay,Idonotlikethathumourofchallenge,itmaybeaccepted;butI'lltellyouwhat'smyhumournow,Iwillclothis:Iwilltakeoccasionofsendingoneofmysuitstothetailor's,tohavethepocketrepaired,orso;andtheresuchaletterasyoutalkof,brokeopenandallshallbeleft;O,thetailorwillpresentlygiveoutwhatIam,uponthereadingofit,worth

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twentyofyourgallants.

Car.Butthenyoumustputonanextremefaceofdiscontentmentatyourman'snegligence.

Sog.0,soIwill,andbeathimtoo:I'llhaveamanforthepurpose.

Muc.Youmay;youhavelandandcrowns:Opartialfato!

Car.Mass,wellremember'd,youmustkeepyourmongallantatthefirst,finepiedliverieslaidwithgoodgoldlace;there'snolossinit,theymayripitoffandpawnitwhentheylarkvictuals.

Sog.By'rLady,thatischargeable,signior,'twillbringamanindebt.

Car.Debt!whythat'sthemoroforyourcredit,sir:it'sanexcellentpolicytoowemuchinthesedays,ifyounoteit.

Sog.Ashow,goodsignior?Iwouldfainbeapolitician.

Car.O!lookwhereyouareindebtedanyLrreatsum.yourcreditorobservesyouwithnolessregard,thanifhe\\ereboundtoyouforsomehugebenefit,and\\i\\quaketogiveyouthe[eastcauseofoffence,lesthelosehi.smoney.Iassureyou,int!

joBenJonsorfsPlays

times,nomanhashisservantmoreobsequiousandpliant,thangentlementheircreditors:towhom,ifatanytimeyoupaybutamoiety,orafourthpart,itcomesmoreacceptablythanifyougavethemanew-year'sgift.

Sog.Iperceiveyou,sir:Iwilltakeup,andbringmyselfincredit,sure.

Car.Marrythis,alwaysbewareyoucommercenotwithbankrupts,orpoorneedyLudgathians;theyareimpudentcreatures,turbulentspirits,theycarenotwhatviolenttragediestheystir,norhowtheyplayfastandloosewithapoorgentleman'sfortunes,togettheirown.Marry,theserichfellowsthathavetheworld,orthebetterpartofit,sleepingintheircounting-houses,theyaretentimesmoreplacable,they;eitherfear,hope,ormodesty,restrainsthemfromofferinganyoutrages:butthisisnothingtoyourfollowers,youshallnotrunapennymoreinarrearageforthem,anyoulist,yourself.

Sog.No!howshouldIkeep'emthen?

Car.Keep'em!'sblood,letthemkeepthemselves,theyarenosheep,arethey?what,youshallcomeinhouses,whereplate,apparel,jewels,anddiversotherprettycommoditieslienegligentlyscattered,andIwouldhavethoseMercuriesfollowme,Itrow,shouldremembertheyhadnottheirfingersfornothing.

Sog.That'snotsogood,methinks.

Car.Why,afteryouhavekeptthemafortnight,orso,andshew'dthemenoughtotheworld,

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youmayturnthemaway,andkeepnomorebutaboy,it'senough.

Sog.Nay,myhumourisnotforboys,I'llkeepmen,anIkeepany;andI'llgivecoats,that'smyhumour:butIlackacullisen.

Car.Why,nowyouridetothecity,youmaybuyone;I'llbringyouwhereyoushallhaveyourchoiceformoney.

Sog.Canyou,sir?

Car.O,ay:youshallhaveonetakemeasureofyou,andmakeyouacoatofarmstofityou,ofwhatfashionyouwill.

Sog.Bywordofmouth,Ithankyou,signior;I'llbeoncealittleprodigalinahumour,i'faith,andhaveamostprodigiouscoat.

Mac.Tormentanddeath!breakheadandbrainatonce,Tobedeliver'dofyourfightingissue.WhocanenduretoseeblindFortunedotethus?Tobeenamour'donthisdustyturf,

Thisclod,awhoresonpuck-fist!OG!

Icouldrunwildwithgriefnow,tobeholdTheranknessofherbounties,thatdothbreedSuchbulrushes;thesemushroomgentlemen,Thatshootupinanighttoplaceandworship.

Car.[seeingMacilente.]Lethimalone;somestray,somestray.

Sog.Nay,IwillexaminehimbeforeIgo,sure.

Car.Thelordofthesoilhasallweftsandstrayshere,hashenot?

Sog.Yes,sir.

EveryManOutofHisHumour71

Car.FaiththenIpitythepoorfellow,he'sfallenintoafool'shands.[Aside.

Sog.Sirrah,whogaveyouacommissiontolieinmylordship?

Mac.Yourlordship!

Sog.How!mylordship?doyouknowme,sir?

Mac.Idoknowyou,sir.

Car.Heanswershimlikeanecho.[Aside.

Sog.Why,WhoamI,sir?

Mac.Oneofthosethatfortunefavours.

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Car.Theperiphrasisofafool.I'llobservethisbetter.[Aside.

Sog.Thatfortunefavours!howmeanyouthat,friend?

Mac.Imeansimply:thatyouareonethatlivesnotbyyourwits.

Sog.Bymywits!no,sir,Iscorntolivebymywits,I.Ihavebettermeans,Itellthee,thantotakesuchbasecourses,astolivebymywits.What,dostthouthinkIlivebymywits?

Mac.Methinks,jester,youshouldnotrelishthiswell.

Car.Ha!doesheknowme?

Mac.Thoughyoursbetheworstuseamancanputhiswitto,ofthousands,toprostituteitateverytavernandordinary;yet,methinks,youshouldhaveturn'dyourbroadsideatthis,andhavebeenreadywithanapology,abletosinkthishulkofignoranceintothebottomanddepthofhiscontempt.

Car.Oh,'tisMacilente!Signior,youarewellencountered;howisit?0,wemustnotregardwhathesays,man,atrout,ashallowfool,hehasnomorebrainthanabutterfly,amerestuftsuit;helookslikeamustybottlenewwicker'd,hishead'sthecork,light,light![AsidetoMacilente.]—Iamgladtoseeyousowellreturn'd,signior.

Mac.Youare!gramercy,goodJanus.

Sog.Isheoneofyouracquaintance?Ilovehimthebetterforthat.

Car.Od'sprecious,comeaway,man,whatdoyoumean?anyouknewhimasIdo,you'dshunhimasyouwoulddotheplague.

Sog.Why,sir?

Car.O,he'sablackfellow,takeheedofhim.

Sog.Isheascholar,orasoldier?

Car.Both,both;aleanmongrel,helooksasifhewerechop-fallen,withbarkingatothermen'sgoodfortunes:'warehowyouoffendhim;hecarriesoilandfireinhispen,willscaldwhereitdrops:hisspiritislikepowder,quick,violent;he'llblowamanupwithajest:Ifearhimworsethanarottenwalldoesthecannon;shakeanhourafteratthereport.Away,comenotnearhim.

Sog.ForGod'ssakelet'sbegone;anhebeascholar,youknowIcannotabidehim;Ihadaslieveseeacockatrice,speciallyascockatricesgonow.

Car.What,you'llstay,signior?thisgentlemanSogliardo,and1,aretovisittheknightPuntarvolo,andfromthencetothecity;weshallmeetthere.[Esitn-ithSogliardo.

Mac.Ay,whenIcannotshunyou,wewillmeet.'Tisstrange!o*allthecreaturesIhaveseen,

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IenvynotthisBuffone,forindeed

Neitherhisfortunesnorhispartsdeserveit:

ButIdohatehim,asIhatethedevil,

Orthatbrass-visagedmonsterBarbarism.

O,'tisanopen-throated,black-mouth'dcur,

Thatbitesatall,buteatsonthosethatfeedhim.

Aslave,thattoyourfacewill,serpent-like,

Creepontheground,ashewouldeatthedust,

Andtoyourbackwillturnthetail,andsting

Moredeadlythanthescorpion:stay,who'sthis?

Now,formysoul,anotherminion

OftheoldladyChance's!I'llobservehim.

EnterSORDIDOwithanAlmanackinhishand.

Sord.Orare!good,good,good,good,good!Ithankmystars,Ithankmystarsforit.

Mac.SaidInottrue?dothnothispassionspeakOutofmydivination?Omysenses,Whyloseyounotyourpowers,andbecomeDull'd,ifnotdeaded,withthisspectacle?Iknowhim,itisSordido,thefarmer,Aboor,andbrothertothatswinewashere.[Aside.

Sord.Excellent,excellent,excellent!asIwouldwish,asIwouldwish.

Mac.Seehowthestrumpetfortunetickleshim,Andmakeshimswoonwithlaughter,O,O,O!

Sord.Ha,ha,ha!Iwillnotsowmygroundsthisyear.Letmesee,whatharvestshallwehave?June,July?

Mac.What,is'taprognosticationrapshimso?

Sord.The20,21,22days,rainandwind.Ogood,good!the23,and24,rainandsomewind,good!the25,rain,goodstill!26,27,28,windandsomerain;wouldithadbeenrainandsomewind!well,'tisgood,whenitcanbenobetter.29,incliningtorain:incliningtorain!that'snotsogoodnow:30,and31,windandnorain:norain!'slid,stay:thisisworseandworse:WhatsaysheofSt.Swithin's?turnback,look,saintSwithin's:norain!

Mac.0,here'saprecious,dirty,damnedrogue,ThatfatshimselfwithexpectationOfrotten

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weather,andunseason'dhours;Andheisrichforit,anelderbrother!Hisbarnsarefull,hisricksandmowswelltrod,Hisgarnerscrackwithstore!O,'tiswell;ha,ha,ha!Aplagueconsumethee,andthyhouse!

Sord.Ohere,St.Swithin's,the15day,variableweather,forthemostpartrain,good!forthemostpartrain:why,itshouldrainfortydaysafter,now,moreorless,itwasaruleheld,aforeIwasabletoholdaplough,andyetherearetwodaysnorain;ha!itmakesmemuse.We'llseehowthenextmonthbegins,ifthatbebetter.August1,2,3,and4,days,rainyandblustering:thisiswell

EveryManOutofHisHumour73

now:5,6,7,8,and9,rainy,withsomethunder;Aymarry,thisisexcellent;theotherwasfalseprintedsure:the,10and11,greatstoreofrain;0good,good,good,good,good!the12,13,and14days,rain;goodstill:15,and16,rain;goodstill:17and18,rain,goodstill:19and20,goodstill,goodstill,goodstill,goodstill,goodstill!21,somerain;somerain!well,wemustbepatient,andattendtheheaven'spleasure,woulditweremorethough:the22,23,greattempestsofrain,thunderandlightning.

0goodagain,pastexpectationgood!

1thankmyblessedangel;never,neverLaidI[a]pennybetteroutthanthis,

Topurchasethisdearbook:notdearforprice,

Andyetofmeasdearlyprizedaslife,

Sinceinitiscontain'dtheverylife,

Blood,strength,andsinews,ofmyhappiness.

BlestbethehourwhereinIboughtthisbook;

Hisstudieshappythatcomposedthebook,

Andthemanfortunatethatsoldthebook!

Sleepwiththischarm,andbeastruetome,

AsIamjoy'dandconfidentinthee.[Putsit>ij>.

EnteraHind,andgivesSORDIDOapapertoread.

Mac.Ha,ha,ha!

Isnotthisgood?Isitnotpleasingthis?Ha,ha,ha!Godpardonme!ha,ha!Is'tpossiblethatsuchaspaciousvillainShouldlive,andnotbeplagued?orlieshehidWithinthewrinkledbosomoftheworld,WhereHeavencannotseehim?S'blood!methinks'Tisrare,andstrange,thatheshouldbreatheand\\alk,Feedwithdigestion,sleep,enjoyhishealth,And,likea

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boisterouswhaleswallowingthepoor.Stillswiminwealthandpleasure!is'tnotstrange?Unlesshishouseandskinwerethunderproof,I\vonderatit!Methinks,now,thehectic,Gout,leprosy,orsomesuchloath'ddisease,MiLrhtlightuponhim;orthatfirefromheavenMi',rhtfalluponhisbarns;ormiceandratsEatuphisgrain;orelsethatitmightrotWithinthehoaryricks,evenasitstan<ls:Methinksthismightbewell;andafterallThedevilmightcomeandfetchhim.Ay,'tistrue!Meantimehesurfeitsinprosperity,Andthou,inenvyofhim,gnaw'stthyself:Peace,fool,gethence,andtellthyvexedspirit,Wealthinthisagewillscarcelylookonim-nt.[A'/.sr.vand>n't.

Sard.Whobroughtthi<same,sirrah?

Hind.Marry,sir,oneofthejustice'smen;hesays'tis.1andalltheirhandsbeatit

Sord.Ay,andtheprintsofthemstickinmyflesh,Deeperthanintheirletters:theyhavesentmePillswraptinpaperhere,that,shouldItakethem,Wouldpoisonallthesweetnessofmybook,Andturnmyhoneyintohemlock-juice.ButIamwiserthantoservetheirprecepts,Orfollowtheirprescriptions.Here'sadevice,Tochargemebringmygrainuntothemarkets:Ay,much!whenIhaveneitherbarnnorgarner,Norearthtohideitin,I'llbring't;tillthen,EachcornIsendshallbeasbigasPaul's.O,but(saysome)thepoorareliketostarve.Why,let'emstarve,what'sthattome?arebeesBoundtokeeplifeindronesandidlemoths?no:Whysucharethesethattermthemselvesthepoor,Onlybecausetheywouldbepitied,Butareindeedasortoflazybeggars,Licentiousrogues,andsturdyvagabonds,Bredbytheslothofafatplenteousyear,Likesnakesinheatofsummer,outofdung;Andthisisallthatthesecheaptimesaregoodfor:WhereasawholesomeandpenuriousdearthPurgesthesoilofsuchvileexcrements,Andkillsthevipersup.

Hind.O,butmaster,Takeheedtheyhearyounot.

Sord.Whyso?

Hind.Theywillexclaimagainstyou.

Sord.Ay,theirexclaims

Movemeasmuch,asthybreathmovesamountain.Poorworms,theyhissatme,whilstIathomeCanbecontentedtoapplaudmyself,Tositandclapmyhands,andlaugh,andleap,Knockingmyheadagainstmyroof,withjoyToseehowplumpmybagsare,andmybarns.Sirrah,gohieyouhome,andbidyourfellowsGetalltheirflailsreadyagainIcome.

Hind.Iwill,sir.[Exit.

Sord.I'llinstantlysetallmyhindstothrashingOfawholerickofcorn,whichIwillhideUndertheground;andwiththestrawthereofI'llstufftheoutsidesofmyothermows:Thatdone,I'llhavethememptyallmygarners,Andinthefriendlyearthburymystore,That,whenthesearcherscome,theymaysupposeAll'sspent,andthatmyfortuneswerebelied.Andtolendmoreopiniontomywant,Andstopthatmany-mouthedvulgardog,Whichelsewouldstillbebayingatmydoor,

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EveryManOutofHisHumour75

Eachmarket-dayIwillbeseentobuy

Partofthepurestwheat,asformyhousehold;

Wherewhenitcomes,itshallincreasemyheaps:

'Twillyieldmetreblegainatthisdeartime,

Promisedinthisdearbook:Ihavecastall.

TillthenIwillnotsellanear,I'llhangfirst.

0,IshallmakemypricesasIlist;

-MyhouseandIcanfeedonpeasandbarley.

Whatthoughaworldofwretchesstarvethewhile;

Hethatwillthrivemustthinknocoursesvile.[Exit.

Cor.Now,signior,howapproveyouthis?havethehumouristsexprestthemselvestrulyorno?

Mit.Yes,ifitbewellprosecuted,'tishithertohappyenough:butmethinksMacilentewenthencetoosoon;hemighthavebeenmadetostay,andspeaksomewhatinreproofofSordido'swretchednessnowatthelast.

Cor.0,no,thathadbeenextremelyimproper;besides,hehadcontinuedthescenetoolongwithhim,as'twas,beinginnomoreaction.

-Mit.Youmayinforcethelengthasanecessaryreason;butforpropriety,thescenewouldverywellhaveborneit,inmyjudgment.

Cor.O,worstofboth;why,youmistakehishumourutterlythen.

Mit.HowdoImistakeit?Isitnotenvy?

Cor.Yes,butyoumustunderstand,signior,heenvieshimnotasheisavillain,awolfinthecommonwealth,butasheisrichandfortunate;forthetrueconditionofenvyis,doloraliemefelicitatis,tohaveoureyescontinuallyfixeduponanotherman'sprosperitythatis,hischiefhappiness,andtogrieveatthat.Whereas,ifwemakehismonstrousandabhorr'dactionsourobject,thegriefwetakethf/icomesnearerthenatureofhatethanenvy,asbeingbredoutofakindofcontemptandloathinginourselves.

-Mit.Soyou'llinferithadbeenhate,notenvyinhim,toreprehendthehumourofSordido?

Cor.Right,forwhatamantrulyenviesinanother,hecouldahmi/*loveandcherishin

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himself;butnomantrulyreprehendsinanother,whathelovesinhimself;thereforereprehensionisoutofhishdl>.Andthisdistinctionhathhehimselfmadeinaspeechttnr<.ifyoumarkedit,wherehesays,IenvynotthisBuffone,butIhatehim.

Mit.Stay,sir:IenvynotthisBuffone,butIhatehim.\\'hymighthenotaswellhavehatedSordidoashim?

Cor.No,sir,therewassubjertf»r///*•f-nryinS»rdid».A/.<innlth:sowastherenotintheother.Hext<»nlj>nx*f-xt«fnooneemit"nt-lift,butamostodiousandfiend-liked('*j»>«ilion,thatwouldturncluinti/if••>•"'/intnft'ite,muchmoreenr>/,f>rthepresent.

Mit.Youhavesatisfiedme,sir.O,herecomesthefool,andthejesteragain,methinks.

Cor.'Twerepitytheyshoi/ldbeparted,sir.

-Mit,Whatbright-shininggallant'sthatwiththem?thekni'jhttlwentto?

j6BenJensen'sPlays

Cor.No,sir,thisisonemonsieurFastidiousBrisk,otherwisecalledthefreshFrenchifiedcourtier.

Mit.Ahumouristtoo?

Cor.Ashumorousasquicksilver;dobutobservehim;thesceneisthecountrystill,remember.

ACTII

SCENEI.—TheCountry;beforePUNTARVOLO'SHouse.

EnterFASTIDIOUSBRISK,CINEDO,CARLOBUFFONE,andSOGLIARDO.

Fast.Cinedo,watchwhentheknightcomes,andgiveusword.

Cin.Iwill,sir.[Exit.

Fast.Howlik'stthoumyboy,Carlo?

Car.O,well,well.HelookslikeacolonelofthePigmieshorse,oroneofthesemotionsinagreatantiqueclock;hewouldshewwelluponahaberdasher'sstall,atacornershop,rarely.

Fast.'Sheart,whatadamn'dwittyrogue'sthis!Howheconfoundswithhissimiles!

Car.Betterwithsimilesthansmiles:andwhitherwereyouridingnow,signior?

Fast.Who,I?Whatasillyjest'sthat!WhithershouldIridebuttothecourt?

Car.0,pardonme,sir,twentyplacesmore;yourhot-house,oryourwhore-house—

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Fast.Bythevirtueofmysoul,thisknightdwellsinElysiumhere.

Car.He'sgonenow,Ithoughthewouldflyoutpresently.Thesebeournimble-spiritedcatsos,thathavetheirevasionsatpleasure,willrunoveraboglikeyourwildIrish;nosoonerstarted,butthey'llleapfromonethingtoanother,likeasquirrel,heigh!danceanddotricksintheirdiscourse,fromfiretowater,fromwatertoair,fromairtoearth,asiftheirtonguesdidbute'enlickthefourelementsover,andaway.

Fast.Sirrah,Carlo,thouneversaw'stmygrayhobbyyet,didstthou?

Car.No;haveyousuchaone?

Fast.ThebestinEurope,mygoodvillain,thou'ltsaywhenthouseesthim.

Car.ButwhenshallIseehim?

Fast.Therewasanoblemaninthecourtofferedmeahundredpoundforhim,bythislight:afinelittlefieryslave,herunslikea—oh,excellent,excellent!—withtheverysoundofthespur.

Car.How!thesoundofthespur?

Fast.O,it'syouronlyhumournowextant,sir;agoodgingle,agoodgingle.

Car.S'blood!youshallseehimturnmorrice-dancer,hehasgothimbells,agoodsuit,andahobby-horse.

Sog.Signior,nowyoutalkofahobby-horse,Iknowwhereoneiswillnotbegivenforabraceofangels.

Fast.Howisthat,sir?

Sog.Marry,sir,Iamtellingthisgentlemanofahobby-horse;itwasmyfather'sindeed,and,thoughIsayit—

Car.Thatshouldnotsayit—on,on.

Sog.Hediddanceinit,withasgoodhumourandasgoodregardasanymanofhisdegreewhatsoever,beingnogentleman:Ihavedanc'dinitmyselftoo.

Car.Notsincethehumourofgentilitywasuponyou,didyou?

Sog.Yes,once;marry,thatwasbuttoshewwhatagentlemanmightdoinahumour.

Car.O,verygood.

Mit.Why,thisfellow'sdiscoursewerenothingbutforthewordhumour.

Cor.0bearwithhim;anheshouldlackmatterandwordstoo,'twerepitiful.

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Sog.Nay,lookyou,sir,there'sne'eragentlemaninthecountryhasthelikehumours,forthehobby-horse,asIhave;Ihavethemethodforthethreadingoftheneedleandall,the—

Car.How,themethod?

Sog.Ay,theleigerityforthat,andthewhighhie,andthedaggersinthenose,andthetravelsoftheeggfromfingertofinger,andallthehumoursincidenttothequality.Thehorsehangsathomeinmyparlour.I'llkeepitforamonumentaslongasIlive,sure.

Car.Doso;andwhenyoudie,'twillbeanexcellenttrophytohangoveryourtomb.

Sog.Mass,andI'llhaveatomb,nowIthinkon't;'tisbutsomuchcharges.

Car.Bestbuilditinyourlifetimethen,yourheirsmayhaptoforgetitelse.

Sog.Nay,Imeanso,I'llnottrusttothem.

Car.No,forheirsandexecutorsaregrowndamnablecareless,'speciallysincetheghostsoftestatorsleftwalking.—Howlikeyouhim,signior?

Fast.'Foreheavens,hishumourarridesmeexceedingly.

Car.Arridesyou!

Fast.Ay,pleasesme:apoxon't!Iamsohauntedatthecourt,andatmylodging,withyourrefinedchoicespirits,thatitmakesmecleanofanothergarb,anothersheaf,Iknownothow!Icannotframemetoyourharshvulgarphrase,'tisa^-mstmygenius.

Sog.SigniorCarlo![Take*him«.sW.

Cor.Thisisright.t<>fhnt<>fUuni<->,Dunivilantstultivitia,incontrariacurrant;*<>////••>•gaUant,Inhmirin'ji»<n-<>i<lj»>[>u!nriti/,f<iflxiutnahabitofaffectation,tentliousarvl//'//<<.sJmti'fnllrrthintheformer.

Car.[pointingtoFastidious.}Who,he?agull,afool,nosaltinhimi'theearth,man;helookslikeafreshsalmonkeptinatub;

he'llbespentshortly.Hisbrain'slighterthanhisfeatheralready,andhistonguemoresubjecttolye,thanthatistowag;hesleepswithamusk-cateverynight,andwalksalldayhang'dinpomanderchainsforpenance;hehashisskintann'dincivet,tomakehiscomplexionstrong,andthesweetnessofhisyouthlastinginthesenseofhissweetlady;agoodemptypuff,helovesyouwell,signior.

Sog.Thereshallbenolovelost,sir,I'llassureyou.

Fast,[advancingtothem.]Nay,Carlo,Iamnothappyinthylove,Isee:praytheesuffermetoenjoythycompanyalittle,sweetmischief:bythisair,Ishallenvythisgentleman'splaceinthyaffections,ifyoubethusprivate,i'faith.

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EnterCINEDO.

Hownow!Istheknightarrived?

Gin.No,sir,but'tisguess'dhewillarrivepresently,byhisforerunners.

Fast.Hishounds!byMinerva,anexcellentfigure;agoodboy.

Car.YoushouldgivehimaFrenchcrownforit;theboywouldfindtwobetterfiguresinthat,andagoodfigureofyourbountybeside.

Fast.Tut,theboywantsnocrowns.

Car.Nocrown;speakinthesingularnumber,andwe'llbelieveyou.

Fast.Nay,thouartsocapriciouslyconceitednow.Sirrahdamnation,IhaveheardthisknightPuntarvoloreportedtobeagentlemanofexceedinggoodhumour,thouknow'sthim;prithee,howishisdisposition?Ineverwassofavouredofmystars,astoseehimyet.Boy,doyoulooktothehobby?

Cin.Ay,sir,thegroomhassethimup.

[AsCinedoisgoingout,Sogliardotakeshimaside.

Fast.'Tiswell:Iridoutofmywayofintenttovisithim,and

takeknowledgeofhisNay,goodWickedness,hishumour,his

humour.

Car.Why,helovesdogs,andhawks,andhiswifewell;hehasagoodridingface,andhecansitagreathorse;hewilltaintastaffwellattilt;whenheismountedhelookslikethesignoftheGeorge,that'sallIknow;save,thatinsteadofadragon,hewillbrandishagainstatree,andbreakhisswordasconfidentlyupontheknottybark,astheotherdiduponthescalesofthebeast.

Fast.0,butthisisnothingtothat'sdeliveredofhim.Theysayhehasdialoguesanddiscoursesbetweenhishorse,himself,andhisdog;andthathewillcourthisownlady,asshewereastrangerneverencounter'dbefore.

Car.Ay,thathewill,andmakefreshlovetohereverymorning;thisgentlemanhasbeenaspectatorofit,SigniorInsulso.

Sog.Iamresolutetokeepapage.—Sayyou,sir?

[LeapsfromwhisperingwithCinedo.

Car.YouhaveseenSigniorPuntarvoloaccosthislady?

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EveryManOutofHisHumour79

Sog.O,ay,sir.

Fast.Andhowisthemannerofit,prithee,goodsignior?

Sog.Faith,sir,inverygoodsort;hehashishumoursforit,sir;asfirst,(supposehewerenowtocomefromridingorhunting,orso,)hehashistrumpettosound,andthenthewaiting-gentlewomanshe

looksout,andthenhespeaks,andthenshespeaks,verypretty,

i'faith,gentlemen.

Fast.Why,butdoyouremembernoparticulars,signior?

Sog.0,yes,sir,first,thegentlewoman,shelooksoutatthewindow.

Car.Afterthetrumpethassummon'daparle,notbefore?

Sog.No,sir,notbefore;andthensayshe,—ha,ha,ha,ha!

Car.Whatsayshe?benotraptso.

Soy.Sayshe,—ha,ha,ha,ha!

Fast.Nay,speak,speak.

Sog.Ha,ha,ha!—sayshe,Godsaveyou,sayshe;—ha,ha!

Car.Wasthistheridiculousmotivetoallthispassion?

Sog.Nay,thatthatcomesafteris,—ha,ha,ha,ha!

Car.Doubtlessheapprehendsmorethanheutters,thisfellow;orelse—[Acryofhoundswithin.

Sog.List,list,theyarecomefromhunting;standby,closeunderthisterras,andyoushallseeitdonebetterthanIcanshowit.

Car.Soithadneed,'twillscarcepoisetheobservationelse.

Sog.Faith,Irememberall,butthemannerofitisquiteoutofmyhead.

Fast.O,withdraw,withdraw,itcannotbebutamostpleasingobject.[Theystandaside.

EnterPTJNTARVOLO,followedbyhisHuntsmanleadinga

greyhound.

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Punt.Forester,givewiodtothyhorn.—Enough;bythisthesoundhathtouch'dtheearsoftheinclos'd:depart,leavethedog,andtakewiththeewhatthouhastdeserved,thehornandthanks.

[ExitHuntsman.

Car.Ay,marry,thereissometasteinthis.

Fast.Is'tnotgood?

Sog.Ah,peace;nowabove,nowabove!

[AWaiting-gentlewomanappear*atthewindow.

Punt.Stay;mineeyehath,ontheinstant,throughthebountyofthewindow,receivedtheformofanymph.Iwillstepforwardthreepaces;ofthewhich,Iwillbarelyretireone;and,aftersomelittleflexureoftheknee,withanerectedgracesaluteher;one,two,andthree!Sweetlady,Godsaveyou!

Gent,[above.]No,forsooth;Iambutthewaiting-gentlewoman.

Car.Heknewthatbefore.

Punt.Pardonme:humanumesterrare.

Car.Helearn'dthatofhischaplain.

Punt.Totheperfectionofcompliment(whichisthedialofthethought,andguidedbythesunofyourbeauties,)arerequiredthese

threespecials;thegnomon,thepuntilios,andthesuperficies:thesuperficiesisthatwecallplace;thepuntilios,circumstance;andthegnomon,ceremony;ineitherofwhich,forastrangertoerr,'tiseasyandfacile;andsuchamI.

Car.True,notknowingherhorizon,hemustneedserr;whichIfearheknowstoowell.

Punt.Whatcallyouthelordofthecastle,sweetface?

Gent,[above.]Thelordofthecastleisaknight,sir;signiorPuntarvolo.

Punt.Puntarvolo!O—

Car.Nowmustheruminate.

Fast.Doesthewenchknowhimallthiswhile,then?

Car.0,doyouknowme,man?why,thereinliesthesyrupofthejest;it'saproject,adesignmentofhisown,athingstudied,andrehearstasordinarilyathiscomingfromhawkingorhunting,asajigafteraplay.

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Sog.Ay,e'enlikeyourjig,sir.

Punt.'Tisamostsumptuousandstatelyedifice!Ofwhatyearsistheknight,fairdamsel?

Gent.Faith,muchaboutyouryears,sir.

Punt.Whatcomplexion,orwhatstaturebearshe?

Gent.Ofyourstature,andverynearuponyourcomplexion.

Punt.Mineismelancholy,—

Car.Soisthedog's,just.

Punt.Anddothargueconstancy,chieflyinlove.Whatarehisendowments?ishecourteous?

Gent.O,themostcourteousknightinChristianland,sir.

Punt.Ishemagnanimous?

Gent.Astheskinbetweenyourbrows,sir.

Punt.Ishebountiful?

Car.'Slud,hetakesaninventoryofhisowngoodparts.

Gent.Bountiful!ay,sir,Iwouldyoushouldknowit;thepoorareservedathisgate,earlyandlate,sir.

Punt.Ishelearned?

Gent.0,ay,sir,hecanspeaktheFrenchandItalian.

Punt.Thenhehastravelled?

Gent.Ay,forsooth,hehathbeenbeyondseasonceortwice.

Car.AsfarasParis,tofetchoverafashion,andcomebackagain.

Punt.Ishereligious?

Gent.Religious!Iknownotwhatyoucallreligious,buthegoestochurch,Iamsure.

Fast.'Slid,methinkstheseanswersshouldoffendhim.

Car.Tut,no;heknowstheyareexcellent,andtohercapacitythatspeaksthem.

Punt.WouldImightbutseehisface!

Car.Sheshouldletdownaglassfromthewindowatthatword,andrequesthimtolookin't.

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Punt.Doubtlessthegentlemanismostexact,andabsolutelyqualified;doththecastlecontainhim?

EveryManOutofHisHumour81

Gent.No,sir,heisfromhome,buthisladyiswithin.

Punt.Hislady!what,isshefair,splendidious,andamiable?

Gent.O,Lord,sir.

Punt.Prithee,dearnymph,intreatherbeautiestoshineonthissideofthebuilding.[Exit\Vailing-gentlewomanfromthewindow.

Car.Thathemayerectanewdialofcompliment,withhisgnomonsandhispuntilios.

Fast.Nay,thouartsuchanothercynicnow,amanhadneedwalkuprightlybeforethee.

Car.Heart,cananymanwalkmoreuprightthanhedoes?Look,look;asifhewentinaframe,orhadasuitofwainscoton:andthedogwatchinghim,lestheshouldleapouton't.

Fast.O,villain!

Car.Well,ane'erImeethiminthecity,I'llhavehimjointed,I'llpawnhiminEastcheap,amongthebutchers,else.

Fast.Peace;whobethese,Carlo?

EnterSORDIDOandFTJNGOSO.

Sord.Yonder'syourgodfather;doyourdutytohim,son.

Sog.This,sir?apoorelderbrotherofmine,sir,ayeoman,maydispendsomesevenoreighthundredayear;that'shisson,mynephew,there.

Punt.Youarenotillcome,neighbourSordido,thoughIhavenotyetsaid,well-come;what,mygodsonisgrownagreatproficientbythis.

Sord.Ihopehewillgrowgreatoneday,sir.

Fast.Whatdoeshestudy?thelaw?

Sog.Ay,sir,heisagentleman,thoughhisfatherbebutayeoman.

Car.Whatcallyouyournephew,signior?

Sog.Marry,hisnameisFungoso.

Car.Fungoso!O,helook'dsomewhatlikeasponireinthatpink'dyellowdoublet,methought;well,makemuchofhim;Iseeliewasneverborntorideuponamule.

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Gent,[reappearsatthewindow.]Myladywillcomepresently,sir.

Sog.0,now,now!

Punt.Standby,retireyourselvesaspace;nay,prayyou,forgetnottheuseofyourhat;theairispiercing.

[SordidoandFungosoirilfntrair.

Fa*t.What!willnottheirpresenceprevailagainstthecurrentofhishumour?

Car.O,no;it'samereflood,atorrentcarriesallaforeit.

[/,'/'/'/1'unfitrro/ii<i]>i><'(jrx(itt/t<

Punt.Whatmorethanheavenlypulchritude-isthis,Whatmagazine,ortreasuryofbliss?I);i7./Je,youorganstomyopticsense,Toviewacreatureofsucheminence:0,Iamplanet-struck,andinyonsphereAbrighterstarthan\Vnus<l<>thappear!Fast.How!inverse!

Car.Anextacy,anextacy,man.

LadyP.[above.}Isyourdesiretospeakwithme,sirknight?

Car.Hewilltellyouthatanon;neitherhisbrainnorhisbodyareyetmouldedforananswer.

Punt.Mostdebonair,andluculentlady,Ideclinemeaslowasthebasisofyouraltitude.

Cor.Hemakescongiestohisivifeingeometricalproportions.]\Iit.Isitpossibletheresliouldbeanysuchhumourist?Cor.Veryeasilypossible,sir,youseethereis.

Punt.Ihavescarcecollectedmyspirits,butlatelyscatteredintheadmirationofyourform;towhich,ifthebountiesofyourmindbeanywayresponsible,Idoubtnotbutmydesiresshallfindasmoothandsecurepassage.Iamapoorknight-errant,lady,thathuntingintheadjacentforest,was,byadventure,inthepursuitofahart,broughttothisplace;whichhart,dearmadam,escapedbyenchantment:theeveningapproaching,myselfandservantwearied,mysuitis,toenteryourfaircastleandrefreshme.

Lady.Sirknight,albeititbenotusualwithme,chieflyintheabsenceofahusband,toadmitanyentrancetostrangers,yetinthetrueregardofthoseinnatedvirtues,andfairparts,whichsostrivetoexpressthemselves,inyou;Iamresolvedtoentertainyoutothebestofmyunworthypower;whichIacknowledgetobenothing,valuedwithwhatsoworthyapersonmaydeserve.PleaseyoubutstaywhileIdescend.[Exitfromthewindow.

Punt.Mostadmiredlady,youastonishme.

[WalksasidewithSordidoandhisson.

Car.What!withspeakingaspeechofyourownpenning?

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Fast.Nay,look;prithee,peace.

Car.Poxon't!Iamimpatientofsuchfoppery.

Fast.0letusheartherest.

Car.What!atediouschapterofcourtship,aftersirLancelotandqueenGuenever?Away!Imarieinwhatdullcoldnookhefoundthisladyout;that,beingawoman,shewasblestwithnomorecopyofwitbuttoservehishumourthus.'Slud,Ithinkhefeedsherwithporridge,I:shecouldneverhavesuchathickbrainelse.

Sog.Why,isporridgesohurtful,signior?

Car.0,nothingunderheavenmoreprejudicialtothoseascendingsubtlepowers,ordothsoonerabatethatwhichwecallacumeningenii,thanyourgrossfare:Why,I'llmakeyouaninstance;yourcity-wives,butobserve'em,youhavenotmoreperfecttruefoolsintheworldbredthantheyaregenerally;andyetyousee,bythefinenessanddelicacyoftheirdiet,divingintothefatcapons,drinkingyourrichwines,feedingonlarks,sparrows,potato-pies,andsuchgoodunctuousmeats,howtheirwitsarerefinedandrarified;andsometimesaveryquintessenceofconceitflowsfromthem,abletodrownaweakapprehension.

EveryManOutofHisHumour83

EnterLadyPUNTARVOLOandherWaiting-woman.

Fast.Peace,herecomesthelady.

Lady.Gad'sme,here'scompany!turninagain.

[Exitwithherwoman.

Fast.'Slight,ourpresencehascutofftheconvoyofthejest.

Car.Allthebetter,Iamgladon't;fortheissuewasveryperspicuous.Comelet'sdiscover,andsalutetheknight.

[Theycomeforward.

Punt.Stay;whobethesethataddressthemselvestowardsus?WhatCarlo!Nowbythesincerityofmysoul,welcome;welcome,gentlemen:andhowdostthou,thouGrandScourge,orSecondUntrussofthetime?

Car.Faith,spendingmymetalinthisreelingworld(hereandthere),astheswayofmyaffectioncarriesme,andperhapsstumbleuponayeoman-feuterer,asIdonow;oroneoffortune'smules,ladenwithtreasure,andanemptycloak-bag,followinghim,gapingwhenabagwilluntie.

Punt.Peace,youbandog,peace!WhatbriskNymphadoroisthatinthewhitevirgin-bootthere?

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Car.Marry,sir,onethatImustintreatyoutotakeaveryparticularknowledgeof,andwithmorethanordinaryrespect;monsieurFastidious.

Punt.Sir,Icouldwish,thatforthetimeofyourvouchsafedabidinghere,andmorerealentertainment,thismyhousestoodontheMuseshill,andthesemyorchardswerethoseoftheHesperides.

Fast.Ipossessasmuchinyourwish,sir,asifIweremadelordoftheIndies;andIprayyoubelieveit.

Car.Ihaveabetteropinionofhisfaith,thantothinkitwillbesocorrupted.

Sog.Come,brother,I'llbringyouacquaintedwithgentlemen,andgoodfellows,suchasshalldoyoumoregracethan—

Sord.Brother,Ihungernotforsuchacquaintance:Doyoutakeheed,lest—[Carlocomestowardthem.

Sog.Husht!Mybrother,sir,forwantofeducation,sir,somewhatnoddingtotheboor,theclown;butIrequestyouinprivate,sir.

Fung,[lookingatFastidiousBrisk.]Byheaven,itisaveryfinesuitofclothes.[As

Cor.Doyouobservethat,signior?There'sanotherhumourhasnew-crack'dtheshell.

Mit.What!lieisenamouredofthefashion,ishe?Cor.0,youforestallthejest.

Fung.Imariewhatitmightstandhimin.[Aside.

Sog.Nephew!

Fung.'Foreme,it'sanexcellentsuit,andasneatlybecomeshim.[Aside.]—Whatsaidyou,uncle?

Sog.Whensawyoumyniece?

Fung.Marry,yesternightIsupp'dthere.—Thatkindofbootdoesveryraretoo.[Aside.

Sog.Andwhatnewshearyou?

Fung.Thegiltspurandall!WouldIwerehang'd,but'tisexceedinggood.[Aside.]—Sayyou,uncle?

Sog.Yourmindiscarriedawaywithsomewhatelse:Iaskwhatnewsyouhear?

Fung.Troth,wehearnone.—Ingoodfaith[lookingatFastidiousBrisk]Iwasneversopleasedwithafashion,daysofmylife.OanImighthavebutmywish,I'dasknomoreofheavennow,butsuchasuit,suchahat,suchaband,suchadoublet,suchahose,suchaboot,andsucha—[Aside.

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Sog.Theysay,there'sanewmotionofthecityofNineveh,withJonasandthewhale,tobeseenatFleet-bridge.Youcantell,cousin?

Fung.Here'ssuchaworldofquestionswithhimnow!—Yes,Ithinktherebesuchathing,Isawthepicture.—Wouldhewouldoncebesatisfied!Letmesee,thedoublet,sayfiftyshillingsthedoublet,andbetweenthreeorfourpoundthehose;thenboots,hat,andband:sometenorelevenpoundwilldoitall,andsuitmefortheheavens![Aside.

Sog.I'llseeallthosedevicesanIcometoLondononce.

Fung.Ods'slid,anIcouldcompassit,'twererare.[Aside.]—Harkyou,uncle.

Sog.Whatsaysmynephew?

Fung.Faith,uncle,Iwouldhavedesiredyoutohavemadeamotionformetomyfather,inathingthat——Walkaside,andI'lltellyou,sir;nomorebutthis:there'saparceloflawbooks(sometwentypoundsworth)thatlieinaplaceforalittlemorethanhalfthemoneytheycost;andIthink,forsometwelvepound,ortwentymark,Icouldgoneartoredeemthem;there'sPlowden,Dyar,Brooke,andFitz-Herbert,diverssuchasImusthaveerelong;andyouknow,Iwereasgoodsavefiveorsixpound,asnot,uncle.Iprayyou,moveitforme.

Sog.ThatIwill:whenwouldyouhavemedoit?presently?

Fung.O,ay,Iprayyou,gooduncle:[SogliardotakesSordidoaside.]—sendmegoodluck,Lord,an'tbethywill,prosperit!Omystars,now,now,ifittakenow,Iammadeforever.

Fast.ShallItellyou,sir?bythisair,Iamthemostbeholdentothatlord,ofanygentlemanliving;hedoesusemethemosthonourably,andwiththegreatestrespect,moreindeedthancanbeutter'dwithanyopinionoftruth.

Punt.ThenhaveyouthecountGratiato?

Fast.Astruenobleagentlemantooasanybreathes;Iamexceedinglyendear'dtohislove:Bythishand,Iprotesttoyou,signior,Ispeakitnotgloriously,noroutofaffectation,butthere'sheandthecountFrugale,signiorIllustre,signiorLuculento,andasortof'em,thatwhenIamatcourt,theydosharemeamongst

EveryManOutofHisHumour85

them;happyishecanenjoymemostprivate.Idowishmyselfsometimeanubiquitaryfortheirlove,ingoodfaith.

Car.There'sne'eraoneofthesebutmightlieaweekontherack,eretheycouldbringforthhisname;andyethepoursthemoutasfamiliarly,asifhehadseenthemstandbythefireinthepresence,orta'entobaccowiththemoverthestage,inthelord'sroom.

Punt.Thenyoumustofnecessityknowourcourt-starthere,thatplanetofwit,madonaSaviolina?

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Fast.OLord,sir,mymistress.

Punt.Issheyourmistress?

Fast.Faith,herebesomeslightfavoursofhers,sir,thatdospeakit,sheis;asthisscarf,sir,orthisribboninmyear,orso;thisfeathergrewinhersweetfansometimes,thoughnowitbemypoorfortunetowearit,asyousee,sir:slight,slight,afoolishtoy.

Punt.Well,sheistheladyofamostexaltedandingeniousspirit.

Fast.Didyoueverhearanywomanspeaklikeher?orenrichedwithamoreplentifuldiscourse?

Car.Ovillainous!nothingbutsound,sound,amereecho;shespeaksasshegoestired,incobweb-lawn,light,thin;goodenoughtocatchflieswithal.

Punt.Omanageyouraffections.

Fast.Well,ifthoube'stnotplaguedforthisblasphemyoneday—

Punt.Come,regardnotajester:Itisinthepowerofmypursetomakehimspeakwellorillofme.

Fast.Sir,Iaffirmittoyouuponmycreditandjudgment,shehasthemostharmoniousandmusicalstrainofwitthatevertemptedatrueear;andyettosee!—arudetonguewouldprofaneheaven,ifitcould.

Punt.Iamnotignorantofit,sir.

Fast.Oh,itflowsfromherlikenectar,andshedothgiveitthatsweetquickgrace,andexornationinthecomposure,thatbythisgoodair,asIamanhonestman,wouldImightneverstir,sir,butr-shedoesobserveaspureaphrase,anduseaschoicefiguresinherordinaryconferences,asanybeintheArcadia.

Car.OrratherinGreen'sworks,whenceshemaystealwithmoresecurity.

Sord.Well,iftenpoundwillfetch'em,youshallhaveit;butrilpartwithnomore,

Fung.I'lltrywhatthatwilldo,ifyouplease.

!<<>rd.Doso;andwhenyouhavethem,studyhard.

Fung.Yes,sir.AnIcouldstudytogetfortyshillingsmorenmv!\\V11,Iwillputmyselfintothefashion,asfarasthiswillgo,•ently.

Sord.Iwonderitrainsnot:thealmanacksays,weshouldhaveastoreofrainto-day.{Aside.

Punt.Why,sir,to-morrowIwillassoriateyoutocourtmyself,andfromthencetothecityaboutabusiness,aprojectIhave;Iwillexposeittoyou,sir;Carlo,Iamsurehaslir.inlofit.

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Car.What'sthat,sir?

Punt.Idointend,thisyearofjubileecomingon,totravel:andbecauseIwillnotaltogethergouponexpense,Iamdeterminedtoputforthsomefivethousandpound,tobepaidmefiveforone,uponthereturnofmyself,mywife,andmydogfromtheTurk'scourtinConstantinople.Ifalloreitherofusmiscarryinthejourney,'tisgone:ifwebesuccessful,why,therewillbefiveandtwentythousandpoundtoentertaintimewithal.Nay,gonot,neighbourSordido;stayto-night,andhelptomakeoursocietythefuller.Gentlemen,frolic:Carlo!what!dullnow?

Car.Iwasthinkingonyourproject,sir,anyoucallitso.Isthisthedoggoeswithyou?

Punt.Thisisthedog,sir.

Car.Hedoesnotgobarefoot,doeshe?

Punt.Away,youtraitor,away!

Car.Nay,aforeGod,Ispeaksimply;hemayprickhisfootwithathorn,andbeasmuchasthewholeventureisworth.Besides,foradogthatnevertravell'dbefore,it'sahugejourneytoConstantinople.I'lltellyounow,anheweremine,I'dhavesomepresentconferencewithaphysician,whatantidotesweregoodtogivehim,preservativesagainstpoison;forassureyou,ifonceyourmoneybeout,there'llbediversattemptsmadeagainstthelifeofthepooranimal.

Punt.Thouartstilldangerous.

Fast.IssigniorDeliro'swifeyourkinswoman?

Sog.Ay,sir,sheismyniece,mybrother'sdaughterhere,andmynephew'ssister.

Sord.Doyouknowher,sir?

Fast.OLord,sir!signiorDeliro,herhusband,ismymerchant.

Fung.Ay,Ihaveseenthisgentlemanthereoften.

Fast.Icryyoumercy,sir;letmecraveyourname,prayyou.

Fung.Fungoso,sir.

Fast.GoodsigniorFungoso,Ishallrequesttoknowyoubetter,sir.

Fung.Iamherbrother,sir.

Fast.Infairtime,sir.

Punt.Come,gentlemen,Iwillbeyourconduct.

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Fast.Nay,prayyou,sir;weshallmeetatsigniorDeliro'soften.

Sog.Youshallhavemeattheherald'soffice,sir,forsomeweekorsoatmyfirstcomingup.Come,Carlo.[Exeunt.

Mit.Methinks,Cordatus,hedweltsomewhattoolongonthisscene;ithunginthehand.

Cor./seenotwherehecouldhaveinsistedless,andtohavemadethehumoursperspicuousenough.

Mit.True,ashissubjectlies;buthemighthavealteredtheshapeofhisargument,andexplicatedthembetterinsinglescenes.

Cor.Thathadbeensingleindeed.Why,betheynotthesamepersonsinthis,astheywouldhavebeen"inthose?andisitnotan

EveryManOutofHisHumour87

objectofmorestate,tobeholdthescenefull,andrelievedwithvarietyofspeakerstotheend,thantoseeavastemptystage,andtheactorscomeinonebyone,asiftheyweredroptdownwithafeatherintotheeyeofthespectators?

Mit.Nay,youarebettertradedwiththesethingsthanI,andthereforeFitsubscribetoyourjudgment;marry,youshallgivemeleavetomakeobjections.

Cor.0,whatelsefitisthespecialintentoftheauthoryoushoulddoso;fortherebyothers,thatarepresent,mayaswellbesatisfied,whohaplywouldobjectthesameyouwoulddo.

Mit.So,sir;butwhenappearsMadlenteagain?

Cor.Marry,hestaysbuttilloursilence,givehimleave:herehecomes,andwithhimsigniorDeliro,amerchantatwhosehouseheiscometosojourn:makeyourownobservationnow,onlytransferyourthoughtstothecity,withthescene:wheresupposetheyspeak.

SCENEII.ARoominDELTRO'SHouse.EnterDELTRO,MACILENTE,andFIDOwithflowersandperfumes.

Deli.I'lltellyoubyandby,sir,—Welcome,goodMacilente,tomyhouse,Tosojournevenforever;ifmybestIncates,andeverysortofgoodentreaty,Maymoveyoustaywithme.[Hecenseth:theboystrewsflowers.

Mad.Ithankyou,sir.—

AndyetthemuffledFates,haditpleasedthem,Mighthavesuppliedmefromtheirownfullstore.Withoutthisword,Ithankyou,toafool.Iseenoreasonwhythatdogcall'dChance,Shouldfawnuponthisfellowmorethanme;Iamaman,andIhavelimbs,flesh,blood,Bones,sinews,andasoul,aswellashe:.Mypartsareeverywayasgoodashis;IfIsaidbetter,why,Ididnotlie.Xath'less,hiswealth,butnoddingonmywants,Mustmakemebow,andcry,/thankyou,sir.[Aside.

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Deli.Dispatch!takeheedyourmistressseeyounot.

Fido.Iwarrantyou,sir,I'llstealbyhersoftly.[Exit.

Deli.Xay,gentlefriend,bemerry;raiseyourlooksOutofyourbosom:Iprotest,byheaven,Youarethemanmostwelcomeintheworld.

Mad.Ithankyou,sir.—Iknowmycue,Ithink.[Aside.

Re-enterFIDO,withmorepcrfnmfsandflowers.

Fido.Wherewillyouhavethemburn,sir?Deli.Here,goodFido.What,shedidnotseethce?Fido.No,sir.Deli.Thatiswell

Strew,strew,goodFido,thefreshestflowers;so!

Mad.Whatmeansthis,signiorDeliro?allthiscensing?Deli.Castinmorefrankincense,yetmore;wellsaid.—

0Macilente,Ihavesuchawife!

Sopassingfair!sopassing-fair-unkind!Butofsuchworth,andrighttobeunkind,Sincenomancanbeworthyofherkindness—

Mad.What,cantherenot?

Deli.No,thatisassureasdeath,Nomanalive.Idonotsay,isnot,Butcannotpossiblybeworthherkindness,Nay,itiscertain,letmedoherright.How,saidI?doherright!asthoughIcould,Asthoughthisdull,grosstongueofminecouldutterTherare,thetrue,thepure,theinfiniterights,Thatsit,ashighasIcanlook,withinher!

Mad.Thisissuchdotageaswasneverheard.

Deli.Well,thismustneedsbegranted.

Mad.Granted,quothyou?

Deli.Nay,Macilente,donotsodiscreditThegoodnessofyourjudgmenttodenyit.ForIdospeaktheveryleastofher:AndIwouldcrave,andbegnomoreofHeaven,Forallmyfortuneshere,buttobeableToutterfirstinfitterms,whatsheis,AndthenthetruejoysIconceiveinher.

Mad.Is'tpossiblesheshoulddeservesowell,Asyoupretend?

Deli.Ay,andsheknowssowellHerowndeserts,that,whenIstrivet'enjoythem,SheweighsthethingsIdo,withwhatshemerits;And,seeingmyworthout-weigh'dsoinhergraces,Sheissosolemn,soprecise,sofroward,ThatnoobservanceIcandotoherCanmakeherkindtorne:ifshefindfault,

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1mendthatfault;andthenshesays,Ifaulted,ThatIdidmendit.Now,goodfriend,adviseme,HowImaytemperthisstrangespleeninher.

Mad.Youaretooamorous,tooobsequious,Andmakehertooassuredshemaycommandyou.Whenwomendoubtmostoftheirhusbands'loves,Theyaremostloving.HusbandsmusttakeheedTheygivenoglutsofkindnesstotheirwives,Butusethemliketheirhorses;whomtheyfeedNotwithamangerfulofmeattogether,Buthalfapeckatonce;andkeepthemsoStillwithanappetitetothattheygivethem.Hethatdesirestohavealovingwife,Mustbridlealltheshowofthatdesire:

EveryManOutofHisHumour89

Bekind,notamorous;norbewrayingkindness,Asiflovewroughtit,butconsiderateduty.Offernoloverites,butletwivesstillseekthem,Forwhentheycomeunsought,theyseldomlikethem.

Deli.Believeme,Macilente,thisisgospel.O,thatamanwerehisownmansomuch,Torulehimselfthus.Iwillstrive,i'faith,Tobemorestrangeandcareless;yetIhopeIhavenowtakensuchaperfectcourse,Tomakeherkindtome,andlivecontented,ThatIshallfindmykindnesswellreturn'd,Andhavenoneedtofightwithmyaffections.ShelatehathfoundmuchfaultwitheveryroomWithinmyhouse;onewastoobig,shesaid,Anotherwasnotfurnish'dtohermind,Andsothroughall;allwhich,now,Ihavealter'd.Thenhere,shehathaplace,onmyback-side,Whereinshelovestowalk;andthat,shesaid,Hadsomeillsmellsaboutit:now,thiswalkHaveI,beforesheknowsit,thusperfumedWithherbs,andflowers;andlaidindiversplaces,As'twereonaltarsconsecratetoher,Perfumedgloves,anddelicatechainsofamber,Tokeeptheairinaweofhersweetnostrils:ThishaveIdone,andthisIthinkwillpleaseher.Behold,shecomes.

EnterFALLACE.

Fal.Here'sasweetstinkindeed!What,shallIeverbethuscrostandplagued.Andsickofhusband?0,myheaddothache,Asitwouldcleaveasunder,withthesesavours!Allmyroomsalter'd,andbutonepoorwalkThatIdelightedin,andthatismadeSofulsomewithperfumes,thatIamfear'd,Mybraindothsweatso,Ihavecaughtthepla«_nie!

Deli.Why,gentlewife,isnowthywalktoos\\rt:t?Thousaid'stoflate,ithadsourairsaboutit,Andfound'stmuchfaultthatIdidnotcorrectit.

Fal.Why,anIdidiindfault,.sir?

Deli.Nay,dearwife,

Iknowthouhastsaidthouhastlovedperfumes,Xowomanbetter.

Fal.Ay,longsince,perhaps;

Butnowthatsenseisalter'd:youwouldhaveme,Liketoapuddle,orastandingpoo],Tohavenomotion,norno.spiritwithinme.Xo,Iamlikeapureandsprightlyriver,Thatmoves

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forever,andyetstillthesame;

Orfire,thatburnsmuchwood,yetstilloneflame.

Deli.Butyesterday,Isawtheeatourgarden,Smellingonroses,andonpurpleflowers;Andsince,Ihope,thehumourofthysenseIsnothingchanged.

Fed.Why,thoseweregrowingflowers,Andthesewithinmywalkarecutandstrewed.

Deli.Butyettheyhaveonescent.

Fal.Ay!havetheyso?

Inyourgrossjudgment.IfyoumakenodifferenceBetwixtthescentofgrowingflowersandcutones,Youhaveasensetotastelampoil,i'faith:Andwithsuchjudgmenthaveyouchangedthechambers,Leavingnoroom,thatIcanjoytobein,Inallyourhouse;andnowmywalk,andall,Yousmokemefrom,asifIwereafox,Andlong,belike,todrivemequiteaway:Well,walkyouthere,andI'llwalkwhereIlist.

Deli.WhatshallIdo?O,Ishallneverpleaseher.

Mad.Outonthee,dotard!whatstarruledhisbirth,ThatbroughthimsuchaStar?blindFortunestillBestowshergiftsonsuchascannotusethem:HowlongshallIlive,ereIbesohappyTohaveawifeofthisexceedingform?[Aside.

Deli.Awaywith'em!wouldIhadbrokeajointWhenIdevisedthis,thatshouldsodislikeher.Away,bearallaway.[ExitFido,withflowers,etc.

Fal.Ay,do;forfear

Aughtthatisthereshouldlikeher.O,thisman,Howcunninglyhecanconcealhimself,Asthoughheloved,nay,honour'dandador'd!—

Deli.Why,mysweetheart?

Fal.Sweetheart!0,betterstill!Andasking,why?wherefore?andlookingstrangely,Asifhewereaswhiteasinnocence!Alas,you'resimple,you:youcannotchange,Lookpaleatpleasure,andthenredwithwonder;No,no,notyou!'tispityo'yournaturals.Ididbutcastanamorouseye,e'ennow,Uponapairofglovesthatsomewhatlikedme,Andstraighthenotedit,andgavecommandAllshouldbeta'enaway.

Deli.Betheymybanethen!What,sirrah,Fido,bringinthoseglovesagainYoutookfromhence.

Fal.'Sbody,sir,butdonot:Bringinnoglovestospiteme;ifyoudo—

Ddi.Ayme,mostwretched;howamImisconstrued!

Mad.0,howshetemptsmyheart-stringswithhereye,

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EveryManOutofHisHumour91

Toknitthemtoherbeauties,ortobreak!

Whatmov'dtheheavens,thattheycouldnotmake

Mesuchawoman!butaman,abeast,

Thathathnoblisslikeothers?Wouldtoheaven,

Inwreakofmymisfortunes,Iwereturn'd

Tosomefairwater-nymph,that,setupon

Thedeepestwhirl-pitoftherav'nousseas,

Myadamantineeyesmightheadlonghale

Thisironworldtome,anddrownitall.[Aside.

Cor.Behold,behold,thetranslatedgallant.Mit.0,heiswelcome.

EnterFUNGOSO,apparelledlikeFASTIDIOUSBRISK.

Fung.Saveyou,brotherandsister;saveyou,sir!Ihavecommendationsforyououto'thecountry.Iwondertheytakenoknowledgeofmysuit:[Aside.]—MineuncleSogliardoisintown.Sister,methinksyouaremelancholy;whyareyousosad?IthinkyoutookmeforMasterFastidiousBrisk,sister,didyounot?

Fal.WhyshouldItakeyouforhim?

Fung.Nay,nothing.—IwaslatelyinMasterFastidious'scompany,andmethinksweareverylike.

Deli.Youhaveafairsuit,brother,'giveyoujoyon't.

Fung.Faith,goodenoughtoridein,brother;Imadeittoridein.

Fal.O,nowIseethecauseofhisidledemandwashisnewsuit.

Deli.Prayyou,goodbrother,tryifyoucanchangehermood.

Fung.Iwarrantyou,letmealone:I'llputheroutofherdumps.Sister,howlikeyoumysuit!

Fal.0,youareagallantinprintnow,brother.

Fung.Faith,howlikeyouthefashion?itisthelastedition,Iassureyou.

Fal.Icannotbutlikeittothedesert.

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Fung.Troth,sister,Iwasfaintoborrowthesespurs,Ihaveleftmygowningageforthem,prayyoulendmeanangel.

Fal.Now,beshrewmyheartthen.

Fung.Goodtruth,I'llpayyouagainatmynextexhibition.Ihadbutbaretenpoundofmyfather,anditwouldnotreachtoputmewhollyintothefashion.

Fal.Icarenot.

Fung.Ihadspursofmineownbefore,buttheywerenotginglers.MonsieurFastidiouswillbehereanon,sister.

Fal.Youjest!

Fung.Neverlendmepennymorewhileyoulivethen;andthatI'dbelothtosay,intruth.

Fal.Whendidyouseehim?

Fung.Yesterday;IcameacquaintedwithhimatSirPuntar-volo's:nay,sweetsister.

Mad.Ifainwouldknowofheavennow.whyyondf<>»!Shouldwearasuitofsatin?lie'!thatr<>>k,

Thatpaintedjay.withsuchadealofoutside:

Whatishisinside,trow?ha,ha,ha,ha,ha!

Goodheaven,givemepatience,patience,patience.

Anumberofthesepopinjaysthereare,

Whom,ifamanconfer,andbutexamine

Theirinwardmerit,withsuchmenaswant;

Lord,lord,whatthingstheyare![Aside.

Fal.[Giveshimmoney.}Come,whenwillyoupaymeagain,now?

Fung.0lord,sister!

Mad.Herecomesanother.

EnterFASTIDIOUSBRISK,inanewsuit.

Fast.Saveyou,signiorDeliro!Howdostthou,sweetlady?letmekissthee.

Fung.How!anewsuit?ahme!

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Deli.AndhowdoesmasterFastidiousBrisk?

Fast.Faith,liveincourt,signiorDeliro;ingrace,IthankGod,bothofthenoblemasculineandfeminine.Imustspeakwithyouinprivatebyandby.

Deli.Whenyouplease,sir.

Fal.Whylookyousopale,brother?

Fung.'Slid,allthismoneyiscastawaynow.

Mad.Ay,there'sanewereditioncomeforth.

Fung.'Tisbutmyhardfortune!well,I'llhavemysuitchanged,I'llgofetchmytailorpresentlybutfirst,I'lldevisealettertomyfather.Haveyouanypenandink,sister?

Fal.Whatwouldyoudowithal?

Fung.Iwoulduseit.'Slight,anithadcomebutfourdayssooner,thefashion.[Exit.

Fast.Therewasacountessgavemeherhandtokissto-day,

i'thepresence:didmemoregoodbythatlightthanand

yesternightsenthercoachtwicetomylodging,tointreatmeaccompanyher,andmysweetmistress,withsometwoorthreenamelessladiesmore:O,Ihavebeengracedbythembeyondallaimofaffection:thisishergartermydaggerhangsin:andtheydosocommendandapprovemyapparel,withmyjudiciouswearingofit,it'sabovewonder.

Fal.Indeed,sir,'tisamostexcellentsuit,andyoudowearitasextraordinary.

Fast.Why,I'lltellyounow,ingoodfaith,andbythischair,which,bythegraceofGod,Iintendpresentlytositin,Ihadthreesuitsinoneyearmadethreegreatladiesinlovewithme:Ihadotherthree,undidthreegentlemeninimitation:andotherthreegatthreeothergentlemenwidowsofthreethousandpoundayear.

Deli.Is'tpossible?

Fast.0,believeit,sir;yourgoodfaceisthewitch,andyourapparelthespells,thatbringallthepleasuresoftheworldintotheircircle.

Fal.Ah,thesweetgraceofacourtier!

EveryManOutofHisHumour93

Mad.Well,wouldmyfatherhadleftmebutagoodfaceformyportionyet!thoughIhadsharedtheunfortunatewitthatgoeswithit,Ihadnotcared;Imighthavepassedforsomewhatintheworldthen.

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Fast.Why,assureyou,signior,richapparelhasstrangevirtues:itmakeshimthathathitwithoutmeans,esteemedforanexcellentwit:hethatenjoysitwithmeans,putstheworldinremembranceofhismeans:ithelpsthedeformitiesofnature,andgiveslustretoherbeauties;makescontinualholidaywhereitshines;setsthewitsofladiesatwork,thatotherwisewouldbeidle;furnishethyourtwo-shillingordinary;takespossessionofyourstageatyournewplay;andenrichethyouroars,asscorningtogowithyourscull.

Mad.Prayyou,sir,addthis;itgivesrespecttoyourfools,makesmanythieves,asmanystrumpets,andnofewerbankrupts.

Fal.Out,out!unworthytospeakwherehebreatheth.

Fast.What'she,signior?

Deli.Afriendofmine,sir.

Fast.ByheavenIwonderatyoucitizens,whatkindofcreaturesyouare!

Deli.Why,sir?

Fast.Thatyoucanconsortyourselveswithsuchpoorseam-rentfellows.

Fal.Hesaystrue.

Deli.Sir,Iwillassureyou,howeveryouesteemofhim,he'samanworthyofregard.

Fast.Why,whathasheinhimofsuchvirtuetoberegarded,ha?

Deli.Marry,heisascholar,sir.

Fast.Nothingelse!

Deli.Andheiswelltravell'd.

Fast.Heshouldgethimclothes;Iwouldcherishthosegoodpartsoftravelinhim,andpreferhimtosomenoblemanofgoodplace.

Deli.Sir,suchabenefitshouldbindmetoyouforever,inmyfriend'sright;andIdoubtnot,buthisdesertshallmorethananswermypraise.

Fast.Why,anhehadgoodclothes,I'dcarryhimtocourtwithmeto-morrow.

Deli.Heshallnotwantforthose,sir,ifgoldandthewholecitywillfurnishhim.

Fast.Yousaywell,sir:faith,sLrni<>rDeliro,Iamcometohnvryouplaythealchemistwitlime,andchangethespeciesofmylandintothatmetalyoutalkof.

Deli.Withallmyheart,sir;whatsum\\illserveyou?

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/•''/.-•/.I-'aith,somethreeorfourhundred.

Deli.Troth,sir,Ihavepromisedt«.rm-i-ta<_r":itl''TnanthismorninginPaul's,butuponmyreturnI'lldispatchyou.

Fast.I'llaccompanyyouthither.

Deli.Asyouplease,sir;butIjjonotthitherdirectly.

Fast.'Tisnomatter,Ihavenootherdesignmentinhand,andthereforeasgoodgoalong.

Deli.Iwereasgoodhaveaquartainfeverfollowmenow,forIshallne'erberidofhim.Bringmeacloakthere,one.Still,uponhisgraceatcourt,Iamsuretobevisited;Iwasabeasttogivehimanyhope.Well,wouldIwerein,thatIamoutwithhimonce,

andCome,signiorMacilente,Imustconferwithyou,aswego.

Nay,dearwife,Ibeseechthee,forsakethesemood,*:looknotlikewinterthus.Here,takemykeys,openmycounting-houses,spreadallmywealthbeforethee,chooseanyobjectthatdelightsthee:ifthouwilteatthespiritofgold,anddrinkdissolvedpearlinwine,'tisforthee.

Fal.So,sir!

Deli.Nay,mysweetwife.

Fal.Goodlord,howyouareperfumedinyourtermsandall!prayyouleaveus.

Deli.Come,gentlemen.

Fast.Adieu,sweetlady.[ExeuntallbutFallace.

Fal.Ay,ay!letthywordseversoundinmineears,andthygracesdispersecontentmentthroughallmysenses!0,howhappyisthatladyaboveotherladies,thatenjoyssoabsoluteagentlemantoherservant!Acountessgiveshimherhandtokiss:ah,foolishcountess!he'samanworthy,ifawomanmayspeakofaman'sworth,tokissthelipsofanempress.

Re-enterFTHSTGOSO,withhisTailor.

Fung.What'smasterFastidiousgone,sister?

Fal.Ay,brother.—Hehasafacelikeacherubin![Aside.

Fung.'Odsme,whatluck'sthis?Ihavefetch'dmytailorandall:whichwaywenthe,sister,canyoutell?

Fal.NotI,ingoodfaith—andhehasabodylikeanangel!

[Aside.

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Fung.Howlongis'tsincehewent?

Fal.Why,bute'ennow;didyounotmeethim?—andatongueabletoravishanywomanintheearth.[Aside.

Fung.O,forGod'ssake—I'llpleaseyouforyourpains,[tohisTailor.]—Bute'ennow,sayyou?Come,goodsir:'slid,Ihadforgotittoo:ifanybodyaskformineuncleSogliardo,theyshallhavehimattheherald'sofficeyonder,byPaul's.

[ExitwithhisTailor.

Fal.Well,Iwillnotaltogetherdespair:Ihaveheardofacitizen'swifehasbeenbelovedofacourtier;andwhynotI?heigh,ho!well,Iwillintomyprivatechamber,lockthedoortome,andthinkoverallhisgoodpartsoneafteranother.[Exit.

Mit.Well,Idoubt,thislastscenewillenduresomegrievoustorture.

Cor.How?youfear'twillberack'dbysomehardconstruction?

Mit.Donotyou?

Cor.No,ingoodfaith:unlessmineeyescouldlightmebeyond

EveryManOutofHisHumour95

sense.Iseenoreasonwhythisshouldbemoreliabletotheracktlantherest:you'llsay,perhaps,thecitywillnottakeitwellthatthemerchantismadeheretodoatsoperfectlyuponhiswife;andsheagaintobesoFastidiouslyaffectedassheis.

Mit.Youhaveutter'dmythought,sir,indeed.

COT.Why,bythatproportion,thecourtmightaswelltakeoffenceathimwecallthecourtier,andwithmuchmorepretext,byhowmuchtheplacetranscends,andgoesbeforeindignityandvirtue:butcanyouimaginethatanynobleortruespiritincourt,whosesinewyandaltogetherunaffectedgraces,veryworthilyexpresshimacourtier,willmakeanyexceptionattheopeningofsuchanemptytrunkasthisBriskis?ort/\inkhisownworthimpeached,bybeholdinghismotleyinside?

Mit.Xo,sir,Idonot.

Cor.Xomore,assureyou,willanygrave,wisecitizen,ormodfstmatron,taketheobjectofthisfollyinDdiroandhiswife;butrathtrapplyitasthefoiltotheirov:nvirtues.Forthatweretoaffirm,thatamanwritingofXero,shouldmeanallemperors;orspeakingofMachiavel,comprehendallstatesmen;orinourSordido,allfarmers;andsooftherest:thanwhichnothingcanbeutteredmoremaliciousorabsurd.Indeedthereareasortofthesenarrow-eyeddecypherers,Iconfess,thatwillextortstrangeandabstrusemeaningsoutofanysubject,beitneversoconspicuousandinnocentlydelivered.Buttosuch,where'ertheysitconcealed,letthemknow,theauthordefiesthemandtheirwriting-tables;andhopesnosoundorsafejudgmentwillinfectitselfwiththeircontagiouscomments,who,indeed,come

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her*onlytopenertandpoisonthesenseofwhattheyhear,andfornoujJitelse.

EnterCavalierSHIFT,withtwoSi-quisses(bills)inhishand.

Mit.Stay,whatnewmuteisthis,thatwalkssosuspiciously?

Cor.0,marry,thisisone,forwhosebetterillustration,wemuttre,youtopresupposethestage,themiddleaisleinPaul's,andthat,thewestendofit.

Mit.So,sir,andwhatfollows?

Cor.Faith,awholevolumeofhumour,andworthytheunclasping.

Mit.Ashow?Whatnamedoyougivehimfir

Cor.Hehathshiftofnames,sir:somecallhimAppl?-Joh/>.signiorWhiffe;marry,hismainstandingnameiscavalt-rtherestarebutascleanshirtstohisnatures.

Mit.AndwhatmakesheinPaul'snow?

Cor.Troth,asyousee,forthead'ofasiq'nXor

irf,r-reinhehassovariedhimself,thatifanyof'emtake,hemayhullupanddowninthehumorousworldalittlek»t>j

Mit.Itsefmsthenhebearsaverychangingnai.1?

Cor.0,asthewind,sir:h'.recoti

ACTIII

SCENEI.—TheMiddleAisleofST.PAUL'S.

Shift,[comingfortvard.]Thisisrare,Ihavesetupmybillswithoutdiscovery.

EnterORANGE.

Orange.What,signiorWhiffe!whatfortunehasbroughtyouintothesewestparts?

Shift.Troth,signior,nothingbutyourrheum;Ihavebeentakinganounceoftobaccohardbyhere,withagentleman,andIamcometospitprivateinPaul's.'Saveyou,sir.

Orange.Adieu,goodsigniorWhiffe.[Passesonward.

EnterCLOVE.

Clove.MasterApple-John!youarewellmet;whenshallwesuptogether,andlaugh,andbefatwiththosegoodwenches,ha?

Shift.Faith,sir,Imustnowleaveyou,uponafewhumoursandoccasions;butwhenyou

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please,sir.[Exit.

Clove.Farewell,sweetApple-John!Iwondertherearenomorestoreofgallantshere.

Mit.Whatbethesetwo,signior?

Cor.Marry,acouple,sir,thataremerestrangerstothewholescopeofourplay;onlycometowalkaturnortwointhissceneofPaul's,bychance.

Orange.Saveyou,goodmasterClove!Clove.SweetmasterOrange.

Mit.How!Clove,andOrange?

Cor.Ay,andtheyarewellmet,for"'tisasdryanOrangeasevergrew:nothingbutsalutation,andOlord,sir!and,Itpleasesyoutosayso,sir!onethatcanlaughatajestforcompanywithamostplausibleandextemporalgrace;andsomehourafterinprivateaskyouwhatitwas.Theothermonsieur,Clove,isamorespicedyouth;hewillsityouawholeafternoonsometimesinabookseller'sshop,readingtheGreek,Italian,andSpanish,whenheunderstandsnotawordofeither;ifhehadthetonguestohissuits,hewereexcellentlinguist.

Clove.Doyouhearthisreportedforcertainty?Orange.Olord,sir.

EnterPUNTARVOLOandCARLO,folloivedbytwoServing-men,oneleadingadog,theotherbearingabag.

Punt.Sirrah,takemycloak;andyou,sirknave,followmecloser.Ifthoulosestmydog,thoushaltdieadog'sdeath;Iwillhangthee.

Car.Tut,fearhimnot,he'sagoodleanslave;helovesadog

EveryManOutofHisHumour97

well,Iwarranthim;Iseebyhislooks,I:—Mass,he'ssomewhatlikehim.'Slud[totheServant.]poisonhim,makehimawaywithacrookedpin,orsomewhat,man;thoumay'sthavemoresecurityofthylife;and—So,sir;what!youhavenotputoutyourwholeventureyet,haveyou?

Punt.No,Idowantyetsomefifteenorsixteenhundredpounds;butmylady,mywife,isOutofherHumour,shedoesnotnowgo.

Car.No!howthen?

Punt.Marry,Iamnowenforcedtogiveitout,uponthereturnofmyself,mydog,andmycat.

Car.Yourcat!whereisshe?

Punt.Mysquirehasherthere,inthebag;sirrah,looktoher.Howlik'stthoumychange,Carlo?

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Car.Oh,forthebetter,sir;yourcathasninelives,andyourwifehasbutone.

Punt.Besides,shewillneverbesea-sick,whichwillsavemesomuchinconserves.WhensawyousigniorSogliardo?

Car.Icamefromhimbutnow;heisattheherald'sofficeyonder;lierequestedmetogoafore,andtakeupamanortwoforhiminPaul's,againsthiscognisancewasready.

Punt.What,hashepurchasedarms,then?

Car.Ay,andrareonestoo;ofasmanycoloursase'eryousawanyfool'scoatinyourlife.I'llgolookamongyond'bills,anIcanfithimwithlegstohisarms.

Punt.Withlegstohisarms!Good!Iwillgowithyou,sir.

[Theygotoreadthebills.

EnterFASTIDIOUS,DELIRO,andMACILEXTE.

Fast.Come,let'swalkinMediterraneo:Iassureyou,sir,Iamnottheleastrespectedamongladies;butletthatpass:doyouknowhowtogointothepresence,sir?

Maci.Why,onmyfeet,sir.

Fast.Xo,onyourhead,sir;for'tisthatmustbearyouout,Iassureyou;asthus,sir.Youmustfirsthaveanespecialcaresotowearyourhat,thatitoppressnotconfusedlythisyourpredominant,orforetop;because,whenyoucomeatthepresence-door,youmaywithonceortwicestrokingupyourforehead,thus,enterwithyourpredominantperfect;thatis,standingupstiff.

Maci.Asifonewerefrighted?

Fast.Ay,sir.

Mad.Which,indeed,atruefearofyourmistressshoulddo,ratherthangum-water,orwhitesofegcrs;is'tnotso,sir?

Fast.Aningeniousobservation.Givemeleavetocraveyourname,sir?

Deli.HisnameisMacilente,sir.

Fast.GoodsiszniorMacilente,ifthisgentlcnuiM,signiorDoliro,furnishyou,ashesayshewill,withclothes,Iwillbringyou,tomorrowbythistime,intothepresenceofthemustdivineandacutela:!yincourt;youshallseesweetsilentrhetorick,anddumb

eloquencespeakinginhereye,butwhenshespeaksherself,suchananatomyofwit,sosinewisedandarterised,that'tisthegoodliestmodelofpleasurethateverwastobehold.Oh!shestrikestheworldintoadmirationofher;0,0,0!Icannotexpressthem,believeme.

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Mad.0,youronlyadmirationisyoursilence,sir.

Punt.'ForeGod,Carlo,thisisgood!let'sreadthemagain.

[Readsthebill.

Iftherebeanyladyorgentlewomanofgoodcarriagethatisdesiroustoentertaintoherprivateuses,ayoung,straight,anduprightgentleman,oftheageoffiveorsixandtwentyatthemost;whocanserveinthenatureofagentleman-usher,andhathlittlelegsofpurpose,andablacksatinsuitofhisown,togobeforeherin;whichsuit,forthemoresweetening,nowliesinlavender;andcanhidehisfacewithherfan,ifneedrequire;orsitinthecoldatthestairfootforher,aswellasanothergentleman:lethersubscribehernameandplace,anddiligentrespectshallbegiven.

Punt.Thisisabovemeasureexcellent,ha!

Car.No,this,this!here'safineslave.[Reads.

Ifthiscity,orthesuburbsofthesame,doaffordanyyounggentlemanofthefirst,second,orthirdhead,moreorless,whosefriendsarebutlatelydeceased,andwhoselandsarebutnewcomeintohishands,that,tobeasexactlyqualifiedasthebestofourordinarygallantsare,isaffectedtoentertainthemostgentleman-likeuseoftobacco;asfirst,togiveitthemostexquisiteperfume;then,toknowallthedelicatesweetformsfortheassumptionofit;asalsotherarecorollaryandpracticeoftheCubanebolition,euripusandwhiff,whichheshallreceiveortakeinhereatLondon,andevaporateatUxbridge,orfarther,ifitpleasehim.Iftherebeanysuchgenerousspirit,thatistrulyenamouredofthesegoodfaculties;mayitpleasehim,butbyanoteofhishandtospecifytheplaceorordinarywhereheusestoeatandlie;andmostsweetattendance,withtobaccoandpipesofthebestsort,shallbeministered.Stet,quaeso,candideLector.

Punt.Why,thisiswithoutparallel,this.

Car.Well,I'llmarkthisfellowforSogliardo'susepresently.

Punt.Orrather,Sogliardo,forhisuse.

Car.Faith,eitherofthemwillserve,theyarebothgoodproperties:I'lldesigntheotheraplacetoo,thatwemayseehim.

Punt.NobetterplacethantheMitre,thatwemaybespectatorswithyou,Carlo.Soft,beholdwhoentershere:

EnterSOGLIARDO.SigniorSogliardo!saveyou.

Sog.Saveyou,goodsirPuntarvolo;yourdog'sinhealth,sir,Isee:Hownow,Carlo?

Car.Wehaveta'ensimplepains,tochooseyououtfollowershere.[Shewshimthebills.

EveryManOutofHisHumour99

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Punt.Comehither,signior.

Clove.MonsieurOrange,yongallantsobserveus;pritheelet'stalkfustianalittle,andgullthem;makethembelievewearegreatscholars.

Orange.Olord,sir!

Clove.Nay,pritheeletus,believeme,—youhaveanexcellenthabitindiscourse.

Orange.Itpleasesyoutosayso,sir.

Clove.Bythischurch,youhave,la;nay,come,begin—Aristotle,inhisdaemonologia,approvesScaligerforthebestnavigatorinhistime;andinhishypercritics,hereportshimtobeHeautontimoru-menos:—youunderstandtheGreek,sir?

Orange.0,goodsir!

Mad.Forsociety'ssakehedoes.O,herebeacoupleoffinetameparrots!

<'love.Now,sir,whereastheingenuityofthetimeandthesoul'ssynderisisarebutembrionsinnature,addedtothepanchofEsquiline,andtheinter-vallumofthezodiac,besidestheeclipticlinebeingoptic,andnotmental,butbythecontemplativeandtheoricpartthereof,dothdemonstratetousthevegetablecircumference,andtheventosityofthetropics,andwhereasourintellectual,ormincingcapreal(accordingtothemetaphysicks)asyoumayreadinPlato'sHistriomastixYouconceiveme,sir?

Orange.Olord,sir!

Clove.Thencomingtotheprettyanimal,asreasonlongsinceisfledtoanimals,youknow,orindeedforthemoremodelising,orenamelling,orratherdiamondisingofyoursubject,youshallperceivethehypothesis,orgalaxia,(whereofthemeteorslongsincehadtheirinitialinceptionsandnotions,)tobemerelyPythagorical,mathematical,andaristocratical—-For,lookyou,sir,thereiseverakindofconcinnityandspecies—-Letusturntoourformerdiscourse,fortheymarkusnot.

Fast.Mass,yonder'stheknightPuntarvolo.

Deli.AndmycousinSogliardo,methinks.

Mad.Ay,andhisfamiliarthathauntshim,thedevilwiththeshiningface.

Deli.Let'emalone,observe'emnot.

l^ogliardo,Puntarvolo,andCarlo,walktogether.

Sog.Nay,Iwillhavehim,Iamresoluteforthat.Bythisparchment,gentlemen,Ihavebeensotoiledamongtheharroteyonder,youwillnotbelieve!theydospeakinthestrangestlanguage,andgiveamanthehardesttermsforhismoney,thateveryouknew.

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Car.Buthaveyouarms,haveyouarms'.'

Sog.I'faith,Ithankthem;IcanwritemysolfgontIoniannow;here'smypatent,itcostmethirtypound,bythisl.nvith.

Punt.Averyfnircoat,wellcharged,andfullofarmory.

Sog.Nay,it1msasmuchvarietyofcoloursinit,asyouhaveseenacoathave;howlikeyouthecrest,sir?

Punt.Iunderstanditnotwell,whatis't?

Sog.Marry,sir,itisyourboarwithoutahead,rampant.Aboarwithoutahead,that'sveryrare!

Car.Ay,andrampanttoo!troth,Icommendtheherald'swit,hehasdecypheredhimwell:aswinewithoutahead,withoutbrain,wit,anythingindeed,rampingtogentility.Youcanblazontherest,signior,canyounot?

Sog.O,ay,Ihaveitinwritinghereofpurpose;itcostmetwoshillingsthetricking.

Car.Let'shear,let'shear.

Punt.Itisthemostvile,foolish,absurd,palpable,andridiculousescutcheonthateverthiseyesurvised.—Saveyou,goodmonsieurFastidious.[Theysaluteastheymeetinthewalk.

Car.Silence,goodknight;on,on.

Sog.[Reads.]Gyronyofeightpieces;azureandgules;betweenthreeplates,achevronengrailedchecquy,or,vert,andermins;ona,chiefargent,betweentwoanrfletssable,aboar'shead,proper.

Car.How'sthat!onachiefargent?

Sog.[Reads.]Onachiefargent,aboar'sheadproper,betweentwoann'letssable.

Car.'Slud,it'sahog'scheekandpuddingsinapewterfield,this.[Heretheyshift.FastidiousmixeswithPuntarvolo;CarloandSogliardo;DeliroandMadlente;CloveandOrange;fourcouple.

Sog.Howlikeyouthem,signior?

Punt.Letthewordbe,Notwithoutmustard:yourcrestisveryrare,sir.

Car.Afaying-pantothecrest,hadhadnofellow.

Fast.Intreatyourpoorfriendtowalkoffalittle,signior,Iwillsalutetheknight.

Car.Come,lapitup,lapitup.

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Fast.Youarerightwellencounter'd,sir;howdoesyourfairdog?

Punt.Inreasonablestate,sir;whatcitizenisthatyouwereconsortedwith?Amerchantofanyworth?

Fast.'TissigniorDeliro,sir.

Punt.Isithe?—Saveyou,sir![Theysalute.

Deli.GoodsirPuntarvolo!

Mad.Owhatcopyoffoolwouldthisplaceminister,tooneenduedwithpatiencetoobserveit!

Car.Nay,lookyou,sir,nowyouareagentleman,youmustcarryamoreexaltedpresence,changeyourmoodandhabittoamoreaustereform;beexceedingproud,standuponyourgentility,andscorneveryman;speaknothinghumbly,neverdiscourseunderanobleman,thoughyouneversawhimbutridingtothestar-chamber,it'sallone.Lovenoman:trustnoman:speakillofnomantohisface;norwellofanymanbehindhisback.Salutefairlyonthefront,andwishthemhangedupontheturn.Spreadyourselfuponhisbosompublicly,whoseheartyouwouldeatinprivate.Thesebeprinciples,thinkonthem;I'llcometoyouagainpresently.[Exit.

Punt,[tohisservant.]Sirrah,keepclose;yetnotsoclose:thybreathwillthawmyruff.

Sog.0,goodcousin,Iamalittlebusy,howdoesmyniece?Iamtowalkwithaknight,here.

EnterFUNGOSOwithhisTailor.

Fung.O,heishere:lookyou,sir,that'sthegentleman.

Tai.What,heintheblush-colouredsatin?

Fung.Ay,he,sir;thoughhissuitblush,heblushesnot,lookyou,that'sthesuit,sir:Iwouldhaveminesuchasuitwithoutdifference,suchstuff,suchawing,suchasleeve,suchaskirt,bellyandall;therefore,prayyouobserveit.Haveyouapairoftables?

Fast.Why,doyousee,sir,theysayIamfantastical;why,true,Iknowit,andIpursuemyhumourstill,incontemptofthiscensoriousage.'Slight,anamanshoulddonothingbutwhatasortofstalejudgmentsaboutthistownwillapproveinhim,hewereasweetass:I'dbeghim,i'faith.Ine'erknewanymorefindfaultwithafashion,thantheythatknewnothowtoputthemselvesintoit.Formineownpart,soIpleasemineownappetite,Iamcarelesswhatthefustyworldspeaksofme.Puh!

Fung.Doyoumark,howithangsatthekneethere?

Tai.Iwarrantyou,sir.

Fung.ForGod'ssakedo,noteall;doyouseethecollar,sir?

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Tai.Fearnothing,itshallnotdifferinastitch,sir.

Fung.Prayheavenitdonot!you'llmaketheseliningsserve,andhelpmetoachapmanfortheoutside,willyou?

Tai.I'lldomybest,sir:you'llputitoffpresently.

Fung.Ay,gowithmetomychamberyoushallhaveit——butmakehasteofit,fortheloveofacustomer;forI'llpitinmyoldsuit,orelselieabed,andreadtheArcadiatillyouhavedone.

[Ej-itu-ithhisTailor.Re-enterCARLO.

Car.O,ifeveryouwerestruckwithajest,gallants,now,now,now,IdousherthemoststrangepieceofmilitaryprofessionthateverwasdiscoveredinInsulaPaulina.

Fa*l.Where?where?

Punt.Whatisheforacreature?

Car.Apimp,apimp,thatIhaveobservedyonder,therarestsuperficiesofahumour;hecomeseverymorningtoemptyhislun<_r^inPaul'shere;andoffersupsomefiveorsixheeatomksoffacesandsighs,andawayagain.Herehecomes;nay,walk,\\alk,benotseentonotehim,andweshallhaveexcellentsport.

EnterSHIFT;and?/v///-.s-/;//,liningaction(<>hi*rapier.

Punt.'Slid,IK-ventedasighe'ennow,Ithoughthewouldhaveblownupthechurch.

Car.O,youshallhavehimgiveunumberofthosefal>e(iceserehedepart.

Fast.See,nowheisexpostulatingwithhisrapier:look,look!

Car.Didyoueverinyourdaysobservebetterpassionoverahilt?

Punt.Exceptitwereinthepersonofacutler'sboy,orthatthefellowwerenothingbutvapour,Ishouldthinkitimpossible.

Car.Seeagain,heclapshisswordo'thehead,aswhoshouldsay,well,goto.

Fast.0violence!Iwonderthebladecancontainitself,beingsoprovoked.

Car.Withthatthemoodysquirethumpthisbreast,Andrearedhiseyentoheavenforrevenge.

Sog.Troth,anyoubegoodgentlemen,let'smakethemfriends,andtakeupthematterbetweenhisrapierandhim.

Car.Nay,ifyouintendthat,youmustlaydownthematter;forthisrapier,itseems,ishithenatureofahanger-on,andthegoodgentlemanwouldhappilyberidofhim.

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Fast.Bymyfaith,and'tistobesuspected;I'llaskhim.

Maci.O,here'srichstuff!forlife'ssake,letusgo:Amanwouldwishhimselfasenselesspillar,Ratherthanviewthesemonstrousprodigies:Nilhabetinfelixpaupertasduriusinse,Quamquodridiculoshominesfacit—[ExitwithDeliro.

Fast.Signior.

Shift.Atyourservice.

Fast.Willyousellyourrapier?

Car.Heisturn'dwilduponthequestion;helooksashehadseenaserjeant.

Shift.Sellmyrapier!nowfateblessme!

Punt.Amen.

Shift.Youask'dmeifIwouldsellmyrapier,sir?

Fast.Ididindeed.

Shift.Now,lordhavemercyuponme!

Punt.Amen,Isaystill.

Shift.'Slid,sir,whatshouldyoubeholdinmyface,sir,thatshouldmoveyou,astheysay,sir,toaskme,sir,ifIwouldsellmyrapier?

Fast.Nay,letmeprayyou,sir,benotmoved:Iprotest,Iwouldratherhavebeensilent,thananywayoffensive,hadIknownyournature.

Shift.Sellmyrapier?'odslid!—Nay,sir,formineownpart,asIamamanthathasserv'dincauses,orso,soIamnotapttoinjureanygentlemaninthedegreeoffallingfoul,but—sellmyrapier!Iwilltellyou,sir,Ihaveservedwiththisfoolishrapier,wheresomeofusdarenotappearinhaste;Inamenoman;butletthatpass.Sellmyrapier!—deathtomylungs!Thisrapier,sir,hastravell'dbymyside,sir,thebestpartofFrance,andtheLowCountry:IhaveseenFlushing,Brill,andtheHague,withthisrapier,sir,inmyLordofLeicester'stime;andbyGod'swill,hethatshouldoffer

todisrapiermenow,IwouldLookyou,sir,youpresumetobe

agentlemanofsort,andsolikewiseyourfriendshere;ifyouhave

anydispositiontotravelforthesightofservice,orso,one,two,orallofyou,IcanlendyouletterstodiversofficersandcommandersintheLowCountries,thatshallformycausedoyouallthegood

offices,thatshallpertainorbelongtogentlemanofyour

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[loweringhisvoice.]Pleaseyoutoshewthebountyofyourmind,sir,toimpartsometengroats,orhalfacrowntoouruse,tillour

abilitybeofgrowthtoreturnit,andweshallthinkourself

'Sblood!sellmyrapier!

Sog.Iprayyou,whatsaidhe,signior?he'saproperman.

Fast.Marry,hetellsme,ifIpleasetoshewthebountyofmymind,toimpartsometengroatstohisuse,orso

Punt.Breakhishead,andgiveithim.

Car.Ithoughthehadbeenplayingo'theJew'strump,I.

Shift.Myrapier!no,sir;myrapierismyguard,mydefence,myrevenue,myhonour;—ifyoucannotimpart,besecret,Ibeseechyou—andIwillmaintainit,wherethereisagrainofdust,oradropofwater.[Sighs.]Hardisthechoicewhenthevaliantmusteattheirarms,orclem.Sellmyrapier!no,mydear,Iwillnotbedivorcedfromthee,yet;Ihaveeverfoundtheetrueas

steel,and.Youcannotimpart,sir?—Saveyou,gentlemen;—

nevertheless,ifyouhaveafancytoit,sir—

Fast.Pritheeaway:IssigniorDelirodeparted?

Car.Haveyouseenapimpoutfacehisownwantsbetter?

Sog.Icommendhimthatcandissemblethemsowell.

Punt.True,andhavingnobetteracloakforitthanhehasneither.

Fast.Od'sprecious,whatmischievousluckisthis!adieu,gentlemen.

Punt.Whitherinsuchhaste,monsieurFastidious?

Fast.Aftermymerchant,signiorDeliro,sir.[Exit.

Car.0hinderhimnot,hemayhaplosehistide;agoodflounder,i'faith.

Orange.Harkyou,signiorWhiffe,awordwithyou.

[OrangeandCl<»'<fit!^h>f

Car.How!signiorWhiffe?

Orange.Whatwasthedifferencebetweenthatgallantthat'sgoneandyou,sir?

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Shift.Xodifference;hewouldhavegivenmefivepoundformyrapier,andIrefusedit;that'sall.

Clove.0,wasitnootherwise?wethoughtyouhadbeenuponsometerms.

Shift.Xootherthanyousaw,sir.

Clove.Adieu,goodmasterApple-John.[E.rit?/•////Orange.

Car.How!Whiffe,andApple-Johntoo?Heart,whatwillyousayifthisbetheappendixorlabeltobothyonindentures?

Punt.Itmaybe.

Car.Resolveusofit,Janus,thouthatlook'stevrryw.iy:orthou,Hercules,thathasttravelM!allcountri---.

Punt.Xay,Carlo,spendnottimeininvocationsnow,'ti-1

Car.Signior,here'sagentlemandesirousofyourname,sir.

Shift.Sir,mynameiscavalierShift:Iamknownsufficientlyinthiswalk,sir.

Car.Shift!Iheardyournamevariedevennow,asItakeit.

Shift.True,sir,itpleasestheworld,asIamherexcellenttobacconist,togivemethestyleofsigniorWhiffe;asIamapooresquireaboutthetownhere,theycallmemasterApple-John.Varietyofgoodnamesdoeswell,sir.

Car.Ay,andgoodparts,tomakethosegoodnames;outofwhichIimagineyonbillstobeyours.

Shift.Sir,ifIshoulddenythemanuscripts,Iwereworthytobebanish'dthemiddleaisleforever.

Car.Itakeyourword,sir:thisgentlemanhassubscribedtothem,andismostdesiroustobecomeyourpupil.Marry,youmustuseexpedition.SigniorInsulsoSogliardo,thisistheprofessor.

Sog.Ingoodtime,sir:nay,goodsir,houseyourhead;doyouprofessthesesleightsintobacco?

Shift.Idomorethanprofess,sir,and,ifyoupleasetobeapractitioner,Iwillundertakeinonefortnighttobringyou,thatyoushalltakeitplausiblyinanyordinary,theatre,ortheTilt-yard,ifneedbe,inthemostpopularassemblythatis.

Punt.Butyoucannotbringhimtothewhiffesosoon?

Shift.Yes,assoon,sir;heshallreceivethefirst,second,andthirdwhiffe,ifitpleasehim,and,

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uponthereceipt,takehishorse,drinkhisthreecupsofcanary,andexposeoneatHounslow,asecondatStains,andathirdatBagshot.

Car.Baw-waw!

Sog.Youwillnotserveme,sir,willyou?I'llgiveyoumorethancountenance.

Shift.Pardonme,sir,Idoscorntoserveanyman.

Car.Who!heserve?'sblood,hekeepshighmen,andlowmen,he!hehasafairlivingatFullam.

Shift.Butinthenatureofafellow,I'llbeyourfollower,ifyouplease.

Sog.Sir,youshallstay,anddinewithme,andifwecanagree,we'llnotpartinhaste:Iamverybountifultomenofquality.Whereshallwego,signior?

Punt.YourMitreisyourbesthouse.

Shift.IcanmakethisdogtakeasmanywhiffesasIlist,andheshallretain,oreffumethem,atmypleasure.

Punt.Byyourpatience,followme,fellows.

Sog.SirPuntarvolo!

Punt.Pardonme,mydogshallnoteatinhiscompanyforamillion.[ExitwithhisServants.

Car.Nay,benotyouamazed,signiorWhiffe,whateverthatstiff-neckedgentlemansays.

Sog.No,for}roudonotknowthehumourofthedog,aswedo:Whereshallwedine,Carlo?Iwouldfaingotooneoftheseordinaries,nowIamagentleman.

Car.Soyoumay;wereyouneveratanyyet?

EveryManOutofHisHumour105

Sog.Xo,faith;buttheysaythereresortsyourmostchoicegallants.

Car.True,andthefashionis,whenanystrangercomesinamongst'em,theyallstandupandstareathim,asheweresomeunknownbeast,broughtoutofAfrick;butthatwillbehelpedwithagoodadventurousface.Youmustbeimpudentenough,sitdown,andusenorespect:whenanything'spropoundedaboveyourcapacity,smileatit,maketwoorthreefaces,and'tisexcellent;they'llthinkyouhavetravelled;thoughyouargue,awholeday,insilencethus,anddiscourseinnothingbutlaughter,'twillpass.Only,nowandthen,givefire,dischargeagoodfulloath,andofferagreatwager;'twillbeadmirable.

Sog.Iwarrantyou,Iamresolute;come,goodsignior,there'sapoorFrenchcrownforyourordinary.

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Xhift.Itcomeswell,forIhadnotsomuchastheleastportcullisofcoinbefore.

Mit./travailwithanotherobjection,signior,whichIfearwillbeenforcedagainsttheautJior,ereIcanbedeliveredofit.

Cor.Whafsthat,sir?

Mit.Thattheargumentofhiscomedymighthavebeenofsomeoth<rnature,asofaduketobeinlovewithacountess,andthatcountesstoleinlovewiththeduke'sson,andthesontolovethelady'swaiting-maid;somesuchcrosswooing,withaclowntotheirservingman,letterthantobethusnear,andfamiliarlyalliedtothetime.

Cor.Yousaywell,butIwouldfainhearoneoftheseautumn-judgmentsdefineonce,Quidsitcomoedia?ifhecannot,lethimcontenthimselfwithCicero'sdefinition,tillhehavestrengthtoproposetohimselfabetter,whowouldhaveacomedytobeirnitatiovitae,speculumconsuetudinis,imagoveritatis;athingthroughoutpleasantandridiculous,andaccommodatedtothecorrectionofmanners:ifthemakerhavefaildinanyparticleofthis,theymayworth!I>it<uchim:

!>ntifnot,whybeyou,tJiatareforthem,siltnt,asIwillbefor

htin;andgivewaytotheactors.

SCENEII.—TheCountry.EnterSORDIDO,withahalterabouthisncclc.

Sord.Xay,God'sprecious,iftheweatherandseasonbesorespectless,thatbeggars.shallliveaswellastheirbetters;andthatmyhungerandthirstforrichesshallnotmakethemhungerandthirstwithpoverty;thatmysleepshallbebroken,andtheirheartsnotbroken;thatmycolTersshallbefull,andyetcare;their'sempty,andyetmerry;—'tistimethatacrossshouldbeartleshandblood',sincefleshandbloodcannotbearthiscross.

.Mit.Whnt,willhehanghimsrlf'

Cor.Faith,ay;itseemshi*prognosticationha*n»t!.•>fttouchwithhim.a)i'ltlmtmakeshimih^f-nir.

Sord.Tut,thesestar-mongerknaves,whowouldtrustthem?Onesaysdarkandrainy,when'tisasclearaschrystal;anothersays,tempestuousblastsandstorms,and'twasascalmasamilk-bowl;herebesweetrascalsforamantocredithiswholefortuneswith!Yousky-staringcoxcombsyou,youfat-brains,outuponyou;youaregoodfornothingbuttosweatnight-caps,andmakerug-gownsdear!youlearnedmen,andhavenotalegionofdevilsavostreservice!avostreservice!byheaven,IthinkIshalldieabetterscholarthanthey:butsoft—

EnteraHind,withaletter.Hownow,sirrah?

Hind.Here'salettercomefromyourson,sir.

Sord.Frommyson,sir!whatwouldmyson,sir?somegoodnews,nodoubt.[Reads.

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Sweetanddearfather,desiringyoufirsttosendmeyourblessing,whichismoreworthtomethangoldorsilver,Idesireyoulikewisetobeadvertised,thatthisShrove-tide,contrarytocustom,weusealwaystohaverevels;whichisindeeddancing,andmakesanexcellentshewintruth;especiallyifwegentlemenbewellattired,whichourseniorsnote,andthinkthebetterofourfathers,thebetterwearemaintained,andthattheyshallknowiftheycomeup,andhaveanythingtodointhelaw;therefore,goodfather,theseare,foryourownsakeaswellasmine,tore-desireyou,thatyouletmenotwantthatwhichisfitforthesettingupofourname,inthehonourablevolumeofgentility,thatImaysaytoourcalumniators,withTully,Egosumortusdomusmeae,tuoccasustuae.Andthus,notdoubtingofyourfatherlybenevolence,Ihumblyaskyourblessing,andprayGodtoblessyou.

Yours,ifhisown,[FuNGOSO.]

How'sthis!Yours,ifhisown!Ishenotmyson,excepthebehisownson?belikethisissomenewkindofsubscriptionthegallantsuse.Well!whereforedostthoustay,knave?away;go.[ExitHind.]Here'saletter,indeed!revels?andbenevolence?isthisaweathertosendbenevolence?oristhisaseasontorevelin?'Slid,thedevilandalltakesparttovexme,Ithink!thisletterwouldneverhavecomenowelse,now,now,whenthesunshines,andtheairthusclear.Soul!ifthishold,weshallshortlyhaveanexcellentcropofcornspringoutofthehighways:thestreetsandhousesofthetownwillbehidwiththeranknessofthefruits,thatgrowthereinspiteofgoodhusbandry.Goto,I'llpreventthesightofit,comeasquicklyasitcan,Iwillpreventthesightofit.Ihavethisremedy,heaven.[Clambersup,andsuspendsthehaltertoatree.]Stay;I'lltrythepainthusalittle.0,nothing,nothing.Wellnow!shallmysongainabenevolencebymydeath?oranybodybethebetterformygold,orsoforth?no;aliveIkeptitfromthem,anddead,myghostshallwalkaboutit,andpreserveit.Mysonanddaughtershallstarveeretheytouchit;Ihavehiditasdeepashellfromthesightofheaven,andtoitIgonow.

[Flingshimselfoff.

EveryManOutofHisHumour107

EnterfiveorsixRustics,oneafteranother.

1Rust.Ahme,whatpitifulsightisthis!help,help,help!

2Rust.Hownow!what'sthematter?

1Rust.O,here'samanhashang'dhimself,helptogethimagain.

2Rust.Hang'dhimself!'Slid,carryhimaforeajustice,'tischance-medley,o'myword.

3Rust.Hownow,what'sheretodo?

4Rust.Howcomesthis?

2Rust.Onehasexecutedhimself,contrarytoorderoflaw,andbymyconsentheshallanswerit.[Theycuthimdown.

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5Rust.Wouldhewereincasetoanswerit!

1Rust.Standby,herecovers,givehimbreath.

Sord.Oh!

5Rust.Mass,'twaswellyouwentthefootway,neighbour.

1Rust.Ay,anIhadnotcutthehalter—

Sord.How!cutthehalter!ahme,Iamundone,Iamundone!

2Rust.Marry,ifyouhadnotbeenundone,youhadbeenhang'd,Icantellyou.

Sord.Youthread-bare,horse-bread-eatingrascals,ifyouwouldneedshavebeenmeddling,couldyounothaveuntiedit,butyoumustcutit;andinthemidsttoo!ahme!

1Rust.Outonme,'tisthecaterpillarSordido!howcurstarethepoor,thattheviperwasblestwiththisgoodfortune!

2Rust.Nay,howaccurstartthou,thatartcausetothecurseofthepoor?

3Rust.Ay,andtosavesowretchedacaitiff?

4Rust.Curstbethyringersthatloos'dhim!

2Rust.Somedesperatefurypossessthee,thatthoumay'sthangthyselftoo!

5Rust.Nevermay'stthoubesaved,thatsavedsodamn'damonster!

Sord.Whatcursesbreathethesemen!howhavemydeedsMademylooksdifferfromanotherman's,Thattheyshouldthusdetestandloathmylife!Outonmywretchedhumour!itisthat.Makesmethusmonstrousintruehumaneeyes.Pardonme,gentlefriends,I'llmakefair'mendsFormyfoulerrorspast,andtwenty-foldRestoretoallmen,whatwithwrongIrobb'dthem:MybarnsandgarnersshallstandopenstillToallthepoorthatcome,andmybestgrainBemadealms-bread,tofeedhalf-famish'dmouths.ThoughhithertoamongstyouIhavelived,Likeanunsavourymuck-hilltomyself,Yetnowmygather'dheapsbeingspreadabroad,Shallturntobetterandmorefruitfuluses.Blessthenthisman,cursehimnomoreforsavingMylifeandsoultogether.Ohowdeeply

Thebittercursesofthepoordopierce!

Iambywonderchanged;comeinwithme

Andwitnessmyrepentance:nowIprove,

Nolifeisblest,thatisnotgracedwithlove.[Exit.

2Rust.Omiracle!seewhenamanhasgrace!

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3Rust.Haditnotbeenpitysogoodamanshouldhavebeencastaway?

2Rust.Well,I'llgetourclerkputhisconversionintheActsandMonuments.

4Rust.Do,forIwarranthimhe'samartyr.

2Rust.0God,howhewept,ifyoumark'dit!didyouseehowthetearstrill'd?

5Rust.Yes,believeme,likemastervicar'sbowlsuponthegreen,foralltheworld.

3Rust.Oneighbour,God'sblessingo'yourheart,neighbour,'twasagoodgratefuldeed.[Exeunt.

Cor.Hownow,Hitis/Jwhat'sthatyouconsidersoseriously?

Mit.Troth,thatwhichdothessentiallypleaseme,thewarpingconditionofthisgreenandsoggymultitude;butingoodfaith,signior,yourauthorhathlargelyoutstriptmyexpectationinthisscene,Iwillliberallyconfessit.ForwhenIsawSordidosodesperatelyintended,IthoughtIhadhadahandofhim,then.

Cor.What!yousupposedheshouldhavehunghimselfindeed?

Mit.Idid,andhadframedmyobjectiontoitready,whichmayyetbeveryfitlyurged,andwithsomenecessity;forthoughhispurposedviolencelosttheeffect,andextendednottodeath,yettheintentandhorroroftheobjectwasmorethanthenatureofacomedywillinanysortadmit.

Cor.Ay!whatthinkyouofPlautus,inhiscomedycalledCistel-laria?there,wherehebringsinAlcesimarchuswithadrawnswordreadytokillhimself,andasheise'enfixinghisbreastuponit,toberestrainedfromhisresolvedoutrage,bySileniumandthebawd?Isnothisauthorityofpowertogiveoursceneapprobation?

Mit.Sir,Ihavethisonlyevasionleftme,tosay,Ithinkitbesoindeed;yourmemoryishappierthanmine:butIwonder,whatenginehewillusetobringtherestoutoftheirhumours!

Cor.Thatwillappearanon,neverpre-occupyyourimaginationwithal.Letyourmindkeepcompanywiththescenestill,whichnowremovesitselffromthecountrytothecourt.HerecomesMacilente,andsigniorBriskfreshlysuited;losenotyourself,fornowtheepitasis,orbusypartofoursubject,isinact.

SCENEIII.—AnApartmentattheCourt.

EnterMACILENTE,FASTIDIOUS,bothinanewsuit,andCINEDO,

withtobacco.

Fast.Well,now,signiorMacilente,youarenotonlywelcometothecourt,butalsotomymistress'swithdrawingchamber.—Boy,

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EveryManOutofHisHumour109

getmesometobacco.I'llbutgoin,andshewIamhere,andcometoyoupresently,sir.[Exit.

Mad.What'sthathesaid?byheaven,Imark'dhimnot:MythoughtsandIwereofanotherworld.Iwasadmiringmineownoutsidehere,TothinkwhatprivilegeandpalmitbearsHere,inthecourt!beamanne'ersovile,Inwit,injudgment,manners,orwhatelse;Ifhecanpurchasebutasilkencover,Heshallnotonlypass,butpassregarded:Whereas,lethimbepoor,andmeanlyclad,Thoughne'ersorichlyparted,youshallhaveAfellowthatknowsnothingbuthisbeef,Orhowtorincehisclammygutsinbeer,Willtakehimbytheshoulders,orthethroat,Andkickhimdownthestairs.SuchisthestateOfvirtueinbadclothes!—ha,ha,ha,ha!Thatraimentshouldbeinsuchhighrequest!HowlongshouldIbe,ereIshouldputoffTothelordchancellor'stomb,ortheshrives'posts?Byheav'n,Ithink,athousand,thousandyear.Hisgravity,hiswisdom,andhisfaithTomydreadsovereign,gracesthatsurvivehim,TheseIcouldwellenduretoreverence,Butnothistomb;nomorethanI'dcommendThechapelorganforthegiltwithout,Orthisbase-viol,forthevarnish'dface.

Re-enterFASTIDIOUS.

Fast,IfearIhavemadeyoustaysomewhatlong,sir;butismytobaccoready,boy?

Cin.Ay,sir.

Fast.Giveme;mymistressisuponcoming,youshallseeherpresently,sir.[Puffs.]You'llsayyouneveraccostedamorepiercingwit.—Thistobaccoisnotdried,boy,orelsethepipeisdefective.—Oh,yourwitsofItalyarenothingcomparabletoher:herbrain'saveryquiverofjests,andshedoesdartthemabroad

withthatsweet,loose,andjudicialaim,thatyouwouldhere

shecomes,sir.[SAVIOLINAlooksin,anddrawsbackagain.

Mad.'Twastime,hisinventionhadbeenboggedelse.

Sav.[within.]Givememyfanthere.

Mad.Hownow,monsieurBrisk?

Fast.Akindofaffectionatereverencestrikesmewithacoldshivering,methinks.

Mad.Ilikesuchtemperswell,asstandbeforetheirmistressesuithfearandtrembling;andbeforetheirMaker,likeimpudentmountains!

Fast.Bythishand,I'dspendtwentypoundmyvaultinghorsestoodherenow,shemightseemedobutonetrick.

Mad.Why,doessheloveactivity?

Cm.Or,ifyouhadbutyourlongstockingson,tobedancingagalliardasshecomesby.

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Fast.Ay,either.O,thesestirringhumoursmakeladiesmad•withdesire;sheconies.Mygoodgeniusemboldenme:boy,thepipequickly.

EnterSAVIOLINA.

Mad.What!\villhegivehermusic?

Fast.Asecondgoodmorrowtomyfairmistress.

Sav.Fairservant,I'llthankyouadayhence,whenthedateofyoursalutationcomesforth.

Fast.Howlikeyouthatanswer?is'tnotadmirable?

Mad.Iwereasimplecourtier,ifIcouldnotadmiretrifles,sir.

Fast.[Talksandtakestobaccobetweenthebreaks.]Troth,sweet

lady,Ishall[puffs]bepreparedtogiveyouthanksforthose

thanks,andstudymoreofficious,andobsequiousregardsto

yourfairbeauties.Mendthepipe,boy.

Mad.Ineverknewtobaccotakenasaparenthesisbefore.

Fast.'ForeGod,sweetlady,believeit,Idohonourthemeanestrushinthischamberforyourlove.

Sav.Ay,youneednottellmethat,sir;Idothinkyoudoprizearushbeforemylove.

Mad.Isthisthewonderofnations!

Fast.O,bythisair,pardonme,Isaidforyourlove,bythislight:butitistheaccustomedsharpnessofyouringenuity,sweet

mistress,to[takesdowntheviol,andplays]mass,yourviol's

newstrung,methinks.

Mad.Ingenuity!Iseehisignorancewillnotsufferhimtoslanderher,whichhehaddonemostnotably,ifhehadsaidwitforingenuity,ashemeantit.

Fast.Bythesoulofmusic,lady—hum,hum.

Sav.Wouldwemighthearitonce.

Fast.Idomoreadoreandadmireyour—hum,hum—predominantperfections,than—hum,hum—everIshallhavepowerandfacultytoexpress—hum.

Sav.Uponthevioldegambo,youmean?

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Fast.It'smiserablyoutoftune,bythishand.

Sav.Nay,ratherbythefingers.

Mad.Itmakesgoodharmonywithherwit.

Fast.Sweetlady,tuneit.[Saviolinatunestheviol.]—Boy,sometobacco.

Mad.Tobaccoagain!hedoescourthismistresswithveryexceedinggoodchanges.

Fast.SigniorMacilente,youtakenone,sir?

Mad.No,unlessIhadamistress,signior,itwereagreatindecorumformetotaketobacco.

Fast.Howlikeyouherwit?

[Talksandtakestobaccobetweenagain.

Mad.Heringenuityisexcellent,sir.

EveryManOutofHisHumouri11

Fast.Youseethesubjectofhersweetfingersthere——Oh,she

ticklesitso,thatShemakesitlaughmostdivinely;I'lltell

youagoodjestnow,andyourselfshallsayit'sagoodone:Ihavewishedmyselftobethatinstrument,Ithink,athousandtimes,andnotsofew,byheaven!—

Mad.Notunlike,sir;buthow?tobecasedupandhungbyonthewall?

Fa-st.0,no,sir,tobeinuse,Iassureyou;asyourjudiciouseyesmaytestify.—

Sav.Here,servant,ifyouwillplay,come.

Fast.Instantly,sweetlady.Ingoodfaith,here'smostdivine

tobacco!

Sav.Xay,Icannotstaytodanceafteryourpipe.

Fast.Good!Xay,dearlady,stay;bythissweetsmoke,Ithinkyourwitbeallfire.—

Mad.Andhe'sthesalamanderbelongstoit.

Sav.Isyourtobaccoperfumed,servant,thatyouswearbythesweetsmoke?

Fast.Stillmoreexcellent!Beforeheaven,andthesebrightlights,Ithinkyouaremadeofingenuity,I—

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Mad.True,asyourdiscourseis.Oabominable!

Fast.Willyourladyshiptakeany?

Sav.Opeace,Iprayyou;Ilovenotthebreathofawoodcock'shead.

Fast.Meaningmyhead,lady?

Sav.Xotaltogetherso,sir;but,asitwerefataltotheirfolliesthatthinktogracethemselveswithtakingtobacco,whentheywantbetterentertainment,youseeyourpipebearsthetrueformofawoodcock'shead.

Fast.Oadmirablesimile!

Sav.'Tisbestleavingofyouinadmiration,sir.[Exit.

Mad.Arethesetheadmiredlady-wits,thathavingsogoodaplainsong,canrunnobetterdivisionuponit?AllherjestsareofthestampMarchwasfifteenyearsago.Isthisthecomet,monsieurFastidious,thatyourgallantswonderats.•':

Fast.Heartofagentleman,toneglectmeaforethepresencethus!Sweetsir,Ibeseechyoubesilentinmydisgrace.Bythemuses,Iwasneverinsovileahumourinmylife,andherwitwasatthefloodtoo!Reportitnotforamillion,goodsir;letmebesofarendearedtoyourlove.[Exeunt.

Mit.Whatfollowsnext,signiorCordatus?thisgallantshumourisalmostspent;methinksitebbsapace,withthiscontrarybreath«fhismistress.

Cor.0,butitwillflowagainforallthis,tilltherecomeageneraldroughtofhumouramongallouractors,andthenIfearnotbuthiswillfallaslowaxany.Seewhopresentshimselfhere!

Mit.What,intheoldcase?

Cor.Ay,faith,whichmakesitthemorepitiful;youunderstandrethesceneis?

ACTIV

SCENEI.—ARoominDELIKO'SHouse.EnterFUNGOSO,FALLACEfollowinghim.

Fed.Whyareyousomelancholy,brother?

Fung.Iamnotmelancholy,Ithankyou,sister.

Fal.Whyareyounotmerrythen?therearebuttwoofusinalltheworld,andifweshouldnotbecomfortsonetoanother,Godhelpus!

Fung.Faith,Icannottell,sister;butifamanhadanytruemelancholyinhim,itwouldmakehimmelancholytoseehisyeomanlyfathercuthisneighbours'throats,tomakehissona

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gentleman;andyet,whenhehascutthem,hewillseehisson'sthroatcuttoo,erehemakehimatruegentlemanindeed,beforedeathcuthisownthroat.Imustbethefirstheadofourhouse,andyethewillnotgivemetheheadtillIbemadeso.Isanymantermedagentleman,thatisnotalwaysinthefashion?Iwouldknowbutthat.

Fal.Ifyoubemelancholyforthat,brother,IthinkIhaveasmuchcausetobemelancholyasanyone:forI'llbesworn,IliveaslittleinthefashionasanywomaninLondon.Bythefaithofagentlewoman,beastthatIamtosayit!Ihavenotonefriendintheworldbesidesmyhusband.WhensawyoumasterFastidiousBrisk,brother?

Fung.Butawhilesince,sister,Ithink:Iknownotwellintruth.BythishandIcouldfightwithallmyheart,methinks.

Fal.Nay,goodbrother,benotresolute.

Fung.Isenthimaletter,andhewritesmenoanswerneither.

Fal.Oh,sweetFastidiousBrisk!0finecourtier!thouarthemakestmesigh,andsay,howblessedisthatwomanthathathacourtiertoherhusband,andhowmiserableadamesheis,thathathneitherhusband,norfriendinthecourt!OsweetFastidious!Ofinecourtier!Howcomelyhebowshiminhiscourt'sy!howfullhehitsawomanbetweenthelipswhenhekisses!howuprighthesitsatthetable!howdaintilyhecarves!howsweetlyhetalks,andtellsnewsofthislordandofthatlady!howcleanlyhewipeshisspoonateveryspoonfulofanywhitemeatheeats!andwhataneatcaseofpick-toothshecarriesabouthimstill!0sweetFastidious!0finecourtier!

EnterDELIROatadistance,withMusicians.

Deli.See,yondersheis,gentlemen.Now,aseveryou'llbearthenameofmusicians,touchyourinstrumentssweetly;shehasadelicateear,Itellyou:playnotafalsenote,Ibeseechyou.

Musi.Fearnot,signiorDeliro.

Deli.0,begin,begin,somesprightlything:lord,howmyimaginationlabourswiththesuccessofit![Theystrikeupalively

EveryManOutofHisHumouri13

tun?.]Wellsaid,goodi'faith!Heavengrantitpleaseher.I'llnotbeseen,forthenshe'llbesuretodislikeit.

Fal.Heyda!thisisexcellent!I'lllaymyEfethisismy

husband'sdotage.Ithoughtso;nay,neverplaybo-peepwithme;Iknowyoudonothingbutstudyhowtoangerme,sir.

Deli,[comingforward.]Angerthee,sweetwife!why,didstthounotsendformusiciansatsupperlastnightthyself?

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Fal.Tosupper,sir!now,comeuptosupper,Ibeseechyou:asthoughtherewerenodifferencebetweensupper-time,whenfolksshouldbemeny,andthistimewhentheyshouldbemelancholy.Iwouldnevertakeuponmetotakeawife,ifIhadnomorejudgmenttopleaseher.

Deli.Bepleased,sweetwife,andtheyshallhavedone;andwouldtofatemylifeweredone,ifIcanneverpleasethee!

[ExeuntMusicians.EnterMACILENTE.

Mari.Saveyou,lady;whereismasterDeliro?

Deli.Here,masterMacilente:youarewelcomefromcourt,sir;nodoubtyouhavebeengracedexceedinglyofmasterBrisk'smistress,andtherestoftheladiesforhissake.

Mad.Alas,thepoorfantastic!he'sscarceknownToanyladythere;andthosethatknowhim,Knowhimthesimplestmanofalltheyknow:Deride,andplayuponhisamoroushumours,ThoughhebutapishlydothimitateThegallant'stcourtiers,kissingladies'pumps,Holdingtheclothforthem,praisingtheirwits,AndservilelyobservingeveryoneMaydothempleasure:fearfultobeseenWithanyman,thoughhebene'ersoworthy,That'snotingracewithsomethatarethegreatest.Thuscourtiersdo,andthesehecounterfeits,ButsetsnosuchasightlycarriageUpontheirvanities,astheythemselves;Andthereforetheydespisehim:forindeedHe'slikethezanytoatumbler,Thattriestricksafterhim,tomakemenlaugh.

Fal.Here'sanunthankfulspitefulwretch1thegoodgentlemanvouchsafedtomakehimhiscompanion,becausemyhusbandputhimintoafewrags,andnowseehowtheunruderascalbackbiteshim![Aside.

I>'li.Ishenomoregracedamongstthemthen,sayyou?

Muri.Faith,likeapawnatchess:fillsuparoom,that'sall.

Fal.Omonsterofmen!cantheearthbearsuchanenviouscaiti'T?[Aside.

/></>'.Well,IrepentmeIevercreditedhimsomuch:butnowIseewhatheis,andthathismaskingvi/.orisoff,I'llforbearhimnolonger.Allhislandsaremortgagedtome,andforfeited;besides,Ihavebondsofhisinmyhand,forthereceiptofnowfiftypounds

nowahundred,nowtwohundred;still,ashehashadafanbutwaggedathim,hewouldbeinanewsuit.Well,I'llsalutehimbyaserjeant,thenexttimeIseehimi'faith,I'llsuithim.

Mad.Why,youmaysoonseehim,sir,forheistomeetsigniorPuntarvoloatanotary'sbytheExchange,presently;wherehemeanstotakeup,uponreturn.

Fal.Now,outuponthee,Judas!canstthounotbecontenttobackbitethyfriend,butthoumustbetrayhim!Wiltthouseektheundoingofanyman?andofsuchamantoo?andwillyou,sir,getyourlivingbythecounseloftraitors?

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Deli.Dearwife,havepatience.

Fal.Thehousewillfall,thegroundwillopenandswallowus:I'llnotbidehereforallthegoldandsilverinheaven.

[ExitwithFungoso.

Deli.O,goodMacilente,let'sfollowandappeaseher,orthepeaceofmylifeisatanend.[Exit.

Mad.Nowpease,andnotpeace,feedthatlife,whoseheadhangssoheavilyoverawoman'smanger![Exit.

SCENEII.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterFALLACEandFUNGOSOrunning;sheclapstothedoor.

Fal.Helpme,brother!Odsbody,anyoucomehereI'lldomyselfamischief.

Deli,[within.']Nay,hearme,sweetwife;unlessthouwilthavemego,Iwillnotgo.

Fal.Tut,youshallneverhavethatvantageofme,tosay,youareundonebyme.I'llnotbidyoustay,I.Brother,sweetbrother,here'sfourangels,I'llgiveyoutowardsyoursuit:fortheloveofgentry,andaseveryoucameofChristiancreature,makehastetothewaterside,(youknowwheremasterFastidioususestoland,)andgivehimwarningofmyhusband'smaliciousintent;andtellhimofthatleanrascal'streachery.Oheavens,howmyfleshrisesathim!Nay,sweetbrother,makehaste:youmaysay,Iwouldhavewrittohim,butthatthenecessityofthetimewouldnotpermit.Hecannotchoosebuttakeitextraordinarilyfromme:andcommendmetohim,goodbrother;say,Isentyou.[Exit.

Fung.Letmesee,thesefourangels,andthenfortyshillingsmoreIcanborrowonmygowninFetterLane.—Well,Iwillgopresently,sayonmysuit,payasmuchmoneyasIhave,andswearmyselfintocreditwithmytailorfortherest.[Exit.

SCENEIII.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterDELLBOandMACILENTE.

Deli.0,onmysoulyouwrongher,Macilente.Thoughshebefroward,yetIknowsheishonest.

Mad.Well,thenhaveInojudgment.Wouldanywoman,butonethatwerewildinheraffections,havebrokeoutintothat

EveryManOutofHisHumour115

immodestandviolentpassionagainstherhusband?oris'tpossible—

Deli.Ifyouloveme,forbear;alltheargumentsi'theworldshallneverwrestmyhearttobelieveit.[Exeunt.

COT.Howlikeyouthedecipheringofhisdotage?

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Mit.0,strangely:andoftheother'senvytoo,thatlabourssoseriouslytosetdebatebetwixtamanandhiswife.Stay,herecomestheknightadventurer.

Cor.Ay,andhisscrivenerwithhim.

SCEXEIV.—PFNTARVOLO'SLodgings.EnterPUXTARVOLO,Notary,andServantswiththedogandcat.

Punt.IwondermonsieurFastidiouscomesnot!But,notary,ifthoupleasetodrawtheindenturesthewhile,Iwillgivetheethyinstructions.

Not.Withallmyheart,sir;andI'llfallinhandwiththempresently.

Punt.Wellthen,firstthesumistobeunderstood.

Not.[writes.]Good,sir.

Punt.Next,ourseveralappellations,andcharacterofmydogandcat,mustbeknown.Shewhimthecat,sirrah.

Not.So,sir.

Punt.Then,thattheintendedboundistheTurk'scourtinConstantinople;thetimelimitedforourreturn,ayear;andthatifeitherofusmiscarry,thewholeventureislost.Thesearegeneral,conceiv'stthou?orifeitherofusturnTurk.

Not.Ay,sir.

Punt.Now,forparticulars:thatImaymakemytravelsbyseaorland,tomybestliking;andthathiringacoachformyself,itshallbelawfulformydogorcat,orboth,toridewithmeinthesaidcoach.

Xot.Verygood,sir.

Punt.ThatImaychoosetogivemydogorcat,fish,forfearofbones;oranyothernutrimentthat,bythejudgmentofthemostauthenticalphysicianswhereItravel,shallbethoughtdangerous.

Not.Well,sir.

Punt.That,afterthereceiptofhismoney,heshallneither,inhisownperson,noranyother,eitherbydirectorindirectmeans,asmagic,witchcraft,orothersuchexoticarts,attempt,practise,orcomplotanythingtotheprejudiceofme,mydog,ormycat:neithershallIusethehelpofanysuchsorceriesorenchantments,asunctionstomakeourskinsimpenetrable,ortotravelinvisiblebyvirtueofapowder,oraring,ortohanganythree-forkedcharmaboutmydog'sneck,secretlyconveyedintohiscollar;(understandyou?)butthatallbeperformedsincerely,withoutfraudorimposture.

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A'"/.So.sir.

Punt.That,fortestimonyoftheperformanr<\myselfamto

bringthenceaTurk'smustachio,mydogaGrecianhare'slips,andmycatthetrainortailofaThracianrat.

Not.[writes.']'Tisdone,sir.

Punt.'Tissaid,sir;notdone,sir.Butforward;that,uponmyreturn,andlandingontheTower-wharf,withtheaforesaidtestimony,Iamtoreceivefiveforone,accordingtotheproportionofthesumsputforth.

Not.Well,sir.

Punt.Provided,thatifbeforeourdeparture,orsettingforth,eithermyselforthesebevisitedwithsickness,oranyothercasualevent,sothatthewholecourseoftheadventurebehinderedthereby,thatthenheistoreturn,andIamtoreceivethepre-nominatedproportionuponfairandequalterms.

Not.Verygood,sir;isthisall?

Punt.Itisall,sir;anddispatchthem,goodnotary.

Not.Asfastasispossible,sir.[Exit.

EnterCARLO.

Punt.OCarlo!welcome:sawyoumonsieurBrisk?

Car.NotI:didheappointyoutomeethere?

Punt.Ay,andImuseheshouldbesotardy;heistotakeanhundredpoundsofmeinventure,ifhemaintainhispromise.

Car.Ishishourpast?

Punt.Notyet,butitcomesonapace.

Car.Tut,benotjealousofhim;hewillsoonerbreakallthecommandments,thanhishour;uponmylife,insuchacasetrusthim.

Punt.Methinks,Carlo,youlookverysmooth,ha!

Car.Why,Icamebutnowfromahot-house;Imustneedslooksmooth.

Punt.Fromahot-house!

Car.Ay,doyoumakeawonderon't?why,itisyouronlyphysic.Letamansweatonceaweek

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inahot-house,andbewellrubb'd,andfroted,withagoodplumpjuicywench,andsweetlinen,heshallne'erhavethepox.

Punt.What,theFrenchpox?

Car.TheFrenchpox!ourpox:wehavetheminasgoodaformasthey,man;what?

Punt.Letmeperish,butthouartasaltone!wasyournew-createdgallanttherewithyou,Sogliardo?

Car.Oporpoise!hanghim,no:he'saleigeratHorn'sordinary,yonder;hisvillainousGanymedeandhehavebeendroningatobacco-pipethereeversinceyesterdaynoon.

Punt.Who?signiorTripartite,thatwouldgivemydogthewhifTe?

Car.Ay,he.Theyhavehiredachamberandall,private,topractisein,forthemakingofthepatoun,thereceiptreciprocal,andanumberofothermysteriesnotyetextant.Ibroughtsomedozenortwentygallantsthismorningtoviewthem,asyou'ddoapieceofperspective,inatakey-hole;andtherewemightseeSogliardo

EveryManOutofHisHumour117

sitinachair,holdinghissnoutuplikeasowunderanapple-tree,whiletheotheropen'dhisnostrilswithapoking-stick,togivethesmokeamorefreedelivery.Theyhadspitsomethreeorfourscoreouncesbetween'em,aforewecameaway.

Punt.How!spitthreeorfourscoreounces?

Car.Ay,andpreserveditinporrengers,asabarberdoeshisblood,whenheopensavein.

Punt.Out,pagan!howdostthouopentheveinofthyfriend?

Car.Friend!isthereanysuchfoolishthingintheworld,ha?'slid,Ineverrelishedityet.

Punt.Thyhumouristhemoredangerous.

Car.No,notawhit,signior.Tut,amanmustkeeptimeinall:IcanoilmytonguewhenImeethimnext,andlookwithagoodsleekforehead;'twilltakeawayallsoilofsuspicion,andthat'senough:whatLynceuscanseemyheart?Pish,thetitleofafriend!it'savain,idlething,onlyvenerableamongfools;youshallnothaveonethathasanyopinionofwitaffectit.

EnterDELIROandMACILENTE.

Deli.Saveyou,goodsirPuntarvolo.

Punt.SigniorDeliro!welcome.

Deli.Prayyou,sir,didyouseemasterFastidiousBrisk?Iheardhewastomeetyourworship

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here.

Punt.Youheardnofigment,sir;Idoexpecthimateverypulseofmywatch.

Deli.Ingoodtime,sir.

Car.There'safellownowlookslikeoneofthepatriciansofSparta;marry,hiswit'safterteni'thehundred:agoodbloodhound,aclose-moutheddog,hefollowsthescentwell;marry,he'satafaultnow,methinks.

Punt.Ishouldwonderatthatcreatureisfreefromthedangerofthytongue.

Car.O,Icannotabidetheselimbsofsatin,orratherSatanindeed,thatwillwalk,likethechildrenofdarkness,alldayinamelancholyshop,withtheirpocketsfullofblanks,readytoswallowupasmanypoorunthriftsascomewithintheverge.

Punt.So!andwhathastthouforhimthatiswithhim,now?

Car.0,dnme!immortality!I'llnotmeddlewithhim;

thepureelementoffire,allspirit,extraction.

Punt.How,Carlo!ha,whatishe,man?

Car.Ascholar,Macilente;doyounotknowhim?arank,raw-bonedanatomy,hewalksupanddownlikeachargedmusket,nomandaresencounterhim:that'shisrestthere.

Punt.Hisrest!why,hasheaforkedhead?

Car.Pardonme,that'stobesuspended;youaretooquick,tooapprehensive.

Deli.Troth,nowIthinkon't,I'lldeferittillsomeothertime.

Mad.Notbyanymeans,senior,youshallnotlosethisopportunity,hewillbeherepresentlynow.

Deli.Yes,faith,Macilente,'tisbest.For,lookyou,sir,Ishallsoexceedinglyoffendmywifein't,that—

Mad.Yourwife!nowforshamelosethesethoughts,andbecomethemasterofyourownspirits.ShouldI,ifIhadawife,suffermyselftobethuspassionatelycarriedtoandfrowiththestreamofherhumour,andneglectmydeepestaffairs,toserveheraffections?'Slight,Iwouldgeldmyselffirst.

Deli.0,butsignior,hadyousuchawifeasmineis,youwould—

Mad.Suchawife!Nowhateme,sir,ifeverIdiscern'danywonderinyourwifeyet,withallthespeculationIhave:Ihaveseensomethathavebeenthoughtfairerthanshe,inmytime;andIhaveseenthose,havenotbeenaltogethersotall,esteem'dpropererwomen;andIhave

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seenlessnosesgrowuponsweeterfaces,thathavedoneverywelltoo,inmyjudgment.But,ingoodfaith,signior,forallthis,thegentlewomanisagood,pretty,proud,hard-favour'dthing,marrynotsopeerlesslytobedotedupon,Imustconfess:nay,benotangry.

Deli.Well,sir,howeveryoupleasetoforgetyourself,Ihavenotdeserv'dtobethusplayedupon;buthenceforth,prayyouforbearmyhouse,forIcanbutfaintlyendurethesavourofhisbreath,atmytable,thatshallthusjademeformycourtesies.

Mad.Nay,then,signior,letmetellyou,yourwifeisnoproperwoman,andbymylife,Isuspectherhonesty,that'smore,whichyoumaylikewisesuspect,ifyouplease,doyousee?I'llurgeyoutonothingagainstyourappetite,butifyouplease,youmaysuspectit.

Deli.Good,sir.[Exit.

Mad.Good,sir!nowhornuponhornpursuethee,thoublind,egregiousdotard!

Car.O,youshallhearhimspeaklikeenvy.—SigniorMacilente,yousawmonsieurBrisklately:Iheardyouwerewithhimatcourt.

Mad.Ay,Buffone,Iwaswithhim.

Car.Andhowisherespectedthere?Iknowyou'lldealingenuouslywithus;ishemademuchofamongstthesweetersortofgallants?

Mad.Faith,ay;hiscivetandhiscasting-glassHavehelpthimtoaplaceamongsttherest:Andthere,hisseniorsgivehimgoodslightlooks,Aftertheirgarb,smile,andsaluteinFrenchWithsomenewcompliment.

Car.What,isthisall?

Mad.Whysay,thattheyshouldshewthefrothyfoolSuchgraceastheypretendcomesfromtheheart,Hehadamightywindfalloutofdoubt!Why,alltheirgracesarenottodograceTovirtueordesert;buttoridebothWiththeirgiltspursquitebreathless,fromthemselves.'Tisnowesteem'dprecisianisminwit,Andadiseaseinnature,tobekind

EveryManOutofHisHumour119

Towarddesert,toloveorseekgoodnames.

Whofeedswithagoodname?whothriveswithloving?

Whocanprovidefeastforhisowndesires,

Withservingothers?—ha,ha,ha!

'Tisfolly,byourwisestworldlingsproved,

Ifnottogainbylove,tobebeloved.

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Car.Howlikeyouhim?is'tnotagoodspitefulslave,ha?

Punt.Shrewd,shrewd.

Car.D—nme!Icouldeathisfleshnow;divinesweetvillain!

Mad.Nay,pritheeleave:What'shethere?

Car.Who?thisinthestarchedbeard?it'sthedullstiffknightPuntarvolo,man;he'stotravelnowpresently:hehasagoodknottywit;marry,hecarrieslittleon'toutofthelandwithhim.

Mad.Howthen?

Car.Heputsitforthinventure,ashedoeshismoneyuponthereturnofadogandcat.

Mad.Isthishe?

Car.Ay,thisishe;agoodtoughgentleman:helookslikeashieldofbrawnatShrove-tide,outofdate,andreadytotakehisleave;oradrypoleoflinguponEaster-eve,thathasfurnish'dthetableallLent,ashehasdonethecitythislastvacation.

Mad.Come,you'llneverleaveyourstabbingsimiles:Ishallhaveyouaimingatmewith'embyandby;but—

Car.O,renouncemethen!pure,honest,gooddevil,Ilovetheeabovetheloveofwomen:Icoulde'enmeltinadmirationofthee,now.Odsso,lookhere,man;SirDagonetandhissquire!

EnterSOGLIARDOandSHIFT.

Sog.Saveyou,mydeargallantos:nay,come,approach,goodcavalier:prithee,sweetknight,knowthisgentleman,he'sonethatitpleasesmetouseasmygoodfriendandcompanion;andthereforedohimgoodoffices:Ibeseechyou,gentles,knowhim,Iknowhimallover.

Punt.Sir,forsigniorSogliardo'ssake,letitsuffice,Iknowyou.

Sog.Why,asIamagentleman,Ithankyou,knight,anditshallsuffice.Harkyou,sirPuntarvolo,you'dlittlethinkit;he'sasresoluteapieceoffleshasanyintheworld.

Punt.Indeed,sir!

Sog.Uponmygentility,sir:Carlo,awordwithyou;doyouseethatsamefellow,there?

Car.What,cavalierShift?

Sog.O,youknowhim;cryyoumercy:beforeme,IthinkhimthetallestmanlivingwithinthewallsofEurope.

Car.ThewallsofEurope!takeheedwhatyousay,signior,Europe'sahugethingwithinthe

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walls.

Sog.Tut,an'twereashugeagain,I'djustifywhatIspeak.'Slid,heswagger'devennowinaplacewherewewere—Ineversawamandoitmoreresolute.

Car.Nay,indeed,swaggeringisagoodargumentofresolution.Doyouhearthis,signior?

Mad.Ay,tomygrief.0,thatsuchmuddyflags,ForeverydrunkenflourishshouldachieveThenameofmanhood,whilsttrueperfectvalour,Hatingtoshewitself,goesbydespised!Heart!Idoknownow,inafairjustcause,Idaredomorethanhe,athousandtimes:Whyshouldnottheytakeknowledgeofthis,ha!Andgivemyworthallowancebeforehis?BecauseIcannotswagger.—Now,thepoxLightonyourPickt-hatchprowess!

Sog.Why,Itellyou,sir;hehasbeentheonlyBid-standthafceverkeptNew-market,Salisbury-plain,Hockleyi'theHole,Gads-hill,andallthehighplacesofanyrequest:hehashadhismaresandhisgeldings,he,havebeenworthforty,threescore,ahundredpoundahorse,wouldha'sprungyouoverhedgeandditchlikeyourgreyhound:hehasdonefivehundredrobberiesinhistime,moreorless,Iassureyou.

Punt.What,andscaped?

Sog.Scaped!i'faith,ay:hehasbrokenthegaolwhenhehasbeeninironsandirons;andbeenoutandinagain;andout,andin;fortytimes,andnotsofew,he.

Mad.Afittrumpet,toproclaimsuchaperson.

Car.Butcanthisbepossible?

Shift.Why,'tisnothing,sir,whenamangiveshisaffectionstoit.

Sog.GoodPylades,discoursearobberyortwo,tosatisfythesegentlemenofthyworth.

Shift.Pardonme,mydearOrestes;causeshavetheirquiddits,and'tisilljestingwithbell-ropes.

Car.How!PyladesandOrestes?

Sog.Ay,heiamyPylades,andIamhisOrestes:howlikeyoutheconceit?

Car.O,'tisanoldstaleinterludedevice:no,I'llgiveyounamesmyself,lookyou;heshallbeyourJudas,andyoushallbehiselder-treetohangon.

Mad.Nay,ratherlethimbecaptainPod,andthishismotion:forhedoesnothingbutshewhim.

Car.Excellent:orthus;youshallbeHolden,andheyourcamel.

Shift.Youdonotmeantoride,gentlemen?

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Punt.Faith,letmeenditforyou,gallants:youshallbehisCountenance,andheyourResolution.

Sog.Troth,that'spretty:howsayyou,cavalier,shallitbeso?

Car.Ay,ay,mostvoices.

Shift.Faith,Iameasilyyieldingtoanygoodimpressions.

Sog.Thengivehands,goodResolution.

Car.Mass,hecannotsay,goodCountenance,now,properly,tohimagain.

Punt.Yes,byanirony.

Mart.0,sir,thecountenanceofResolutionshould,asheis,bealtogethergrimandunpleasant.

EnterFASTIDIOUSBRISK.

Fast.Goodhoursmakemusicwithyourmirth,gentlemen,andkeeptimetoyourhumours!—Hownow,Carlo?

Punt.MonsieurBrisk?manyalonglookhaveIextendedforyou,sir.

Fast.Goodfaith,Imustcravepardon:Iwasinvitedthismorning,ereIwasoutofmybed,byabevyofladies,toabanquet:whenceitwasalmostoneofHercules'slaboursformetocomeaway,butthattherespectofmypromisedidsoprevailwithme.Iknowthey'lltakeitveryill,especiallyone,thatgavemethisbraceletofherhairbutovernight,andthispearlanothergavemefromherforehead,marryshewhat!arethewritingsready?

Punt.Iwillsendmymantoknow.Sirrah,goyoutothenotary's,andlearnifhebeready:leavethedog,sir.[ExitServant.

Fast.Andhowdoesmyrarequalifiedfriend,Sogliardo?Oh,signiorMacilente!bytheseeyes,Isawyounot;Ihadsalutedyousoonerelse,o'mytroth.Ihope,sir,Imaypresumeuponyou,thatyouwillnotdivulgemylatecheck,ordisgrace,indeed,sir.

Mad.Youmay,sir.

Car.Heknowssomenotoriousjestbythisgull,thathehathhimsoobsequious.

Sog.MonsieurFastidious,doyouseethisfellowthere?doeshenotlooklikeaclown?wouldyouthinktherewereanythinginhim?

Fast.Anythinginhim!beshrewme,ay;thefellowhathagoodingeniousface.

Sog.Bythiselementheisasingeniousatallmanaseverswag-ger'daboutLondon:he,andI,callCountenanceandResolution;buthisnameiscavalierShift.

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Punt.Cavalier,youknewsigniorClog,thatwashang'dfortherobberyatHarrowonthehill?

Sog.Knewhim,sir!why,'twashegaveallthedirectionsfortheaction.

Punt.How!wasityourproject,sir?

Shift.Pardonme,Countenance,youdomesomewrongtomakeoccasionspublic,whichIimpartedtoyouinprivate.

Sog.God'swill!herearenonebutfriends,Resolution.

Shift.That'sallone;thingsofconsequencemusthavetheirrespects;where,how,andtowhom.—Yes,sir,heshewedhimselfatrueCloginthecoherenceofthataffair,sir;for,ifhehadmannedmattersastheywerecorroboratedtohim,ithadbeenlicttcrforhimbyafortyorfiftyscoreofpounds,sir;andhehimselfmighthavelived,indespightoffates,tohavefedonwoodcocks,\\iththeresl:butitwashisheavyfortunetosink,poorClog!andthi-ivi'orotalknomoreofhim.

Punt.Whv,hadhemoreaidersthen?

Sog.0lord,sir!ay,thereweresomepresentthere,thatweretheNineWorthiestohim,i'faith.

Shift.Ay,sir,Icansatisfyyouatmoreconvenientconference:but,formineownpart,Ihavenowreconciledmyselftoothercourses,andprofessalivingoutofmyotherqualities.

Sog.Nay,hehasleftallnow,Iassureyou,andisabletolivelikeagentleman,byhisqualities.Bythisdog,hehasthemostraregiftintobaccothateveryouknew.

Car.Hekeepsmoreadowiththismonster,thaneverBanksdidwithhishorse,orthefellowwiththeelephant.

Mad.Hewillhangouthispictureshortly,inacloth,youshallsee.

Sog.0,hedoesmanageaquarrelthebestthateveryousaw,fortermsandcircumstances.

Fast.Goodfaith,signior,nowyouspeakofaquarrel,I'llacquaintyouwithadifferencethathappenedbetweenagallantandmyself;sirPuntarvolo,youknowhimifIshouldnamehim,signiorLucu-lento.

Punt.Luculento!whatinauspiciouschanceinterposeditselftoyourtwoloves?

Fast.Faith,sir,thesamethatsunderedAgamemnonandgreatThetis'son;butletthecauseescape,sir:hesentmeachallenge,mixtwithsomefewbraves,whichIrestored,andinfinewemet.Now,indeed,sir,Imusttellyou,hedidofferatfirstverydesperately,butwithoutjudgment:for,lookyou,sir,Icastmyselfintothisfigure;nowhecomesviolentlyon,andwithaladvancinghisrapiertostrike,Ithoughttohavetookhisarm,forhehadlefthiswholebodytomyelection,andIwassurehecouldnotrecoverhisguard.Sir,Imistmypurposeinhisarm,rash'dhisdoublet-sleeve,ranhimclosebytheleftcheek,andthroughhishair.He

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againlightsmehere,—Ihadonagoldcablehatband,thennewcomeup,whichIworeaboutamureyFrenchhatIhad,—cutsmyhatband,andyetitwasmassygoldsmith'swork,cutsmybrims,whichbygoodfortune,beingthickembroideredwithgoldtwistandspangles,disappointedtheforceoftheblow:nevertheless,itgrazedonmyshoulder,takesmeawaysixpurlsofanItaliancut-workbandIwore,costmethreepoundintheExchangebutthreedaysbefore.

Punt.Thiswasastrangeencounter.

Fast.Nay,youshallhear,sir:withthiswebothfellout,andbreath'd.Now,uponthesecondsignofhisassault,Ibetookmetotheformermannerofmydefence;he,ontheotherside,abandon'dhisbodytothesamedangerasbefore,andfollowsmestillwithblows:butIbeinglothtotakethedeadlyadvantagethatlaybeforemeofhisleftside,madeakindofstramazoun,ranhimuptothehiltsthroughthedoublet,throughtheshirt,andyetmiss'dtheskin.He,makingareverseblow,—fallsuponmyem-boss'dgirdle,Ihadthrownoffthehangersalittlebefore—strikesoffaskirtofathick-lacedsatindoubletIhad,linedwithfour

taffatas,cutsofftwopanesembroideredwithpearl,rendsthroughthedrawings-outoftissue,entersthelinings,andskipstheflesh.

Car.Iwonderhespeaksnotofhiswroughtshirt.

Fast.Here,intheopinionofmutualdamage,wepaused;but,ereIproceed,Imusttellyou,signior,that,inthislastencounter,nothavingleisuretoputoffmysilverspurs,oneoftherowelscatch'dholdoftheruffleofmyboot,and,beingSpanishleather,andsubjecttotear,overthrowsme,rendsmetwopairofsilkstockings,thatIputon,beingsomewhatarawmorning,apeachcolourandanother,andstrikesmesomehalfinchdeepintothesideofthecalf:he,seeingthebloodcome,presentlytakeshorse,andaway:I,havingboundupmywoundwithapieceofmywroughtshirt

Car.0!comesitinthere?

Fast.Ridafterhim,and,lightingatthecourtgatebothtogether,embraced,andmarch'dhandinhandupintothepresence.Wasnotthisbusinesswellcarried?

Mad.Well!yes,andbythiswecanguesswhatapparelthegentlemanwore.

Punt.Torevalour,itwasadesignmentbegunwithmuchresolution,maintain'dwithasmuchprowess,andendedwithmorehumanity.

Re-enterServant.

Hownow,whatsaysthenotary?

Serv.Hesays,heisready,sir;hestaysbutyourworship'spleasure.

Punt.Come,wewillgotohim,monsieur.Gentlemen,shallweentreatyoutobewitnesses?

Sog.Youshallentreatme,sir.—Come,Resolution.

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Shift.Ifollowyou,goodCountenance.

Car.Come,signior,come,come.[ExeuntallbutMacilente.

Maci.O,thatthereshouldbefortuneToclothethesemen,sonakedindesert!AndthatthejuststormofawretchedlifeBeatsthemnotraggedfortheirwretchedsouls,And,sinceasfruitless,evenasblack,ascoals![Exit.

Mit.Why,butsignior,howcomesitthatFungosoappearednotwithhissister'sintelligencetoBrisk?

Cor.Marry,longoftheevilangelsthatshegavehim,whohaveindeedtemptedthegoodsimpleyouthtofollowthetailofthefashion,andneglecttheimpositionofhisfriends.Behold,herehecomes,veryworshipfullyattended,andwithgoodvariety.

SCENEV.—ARoominDELIRO'SHouse.

EnterFTJNGOSOinanewsuit,followedbyhisTailor,Shoemaker,

andHaberdasher.

Fung.Gramercy,goodshoemaker,I'llputtostringsmyself.[ExitShoemaker.]—Now,sir,letmesee,whatmustyouhaveforthishat?

Habe.Here'sthebill,sir.

Fung.Howdoesitbecomeme,well?

Tai.Excellent,sir,aseveryouhadanyhatinyourlife.

Fung.Nay,you'llsaysoall.

Habe.Infaith,sir,thehat'sasgoodasanymaninthistowncanserveyou,andwillmaintainfashionaslong;nevertrustmeforagroatelse.

Fung.Doesitapplywelltomysuit?

Tai.Exceedingwell,sir.

Fung.Howlik'stthoumysuit,haberdasher?

Habe.Bymytroth,sir,'tisveryrarelywellmade;Ineversawasuitsitbetter,Icantellon.

Tai.Nay,wehavenoarttopleaseourfriends,we!

Fung.Here,haberdasher,tellthissame.[Giveshimmoney.

Habe.Goodfaith,sir,itmakesyouhaveanexcellentbody.

Fung.Nay,believeme,IthinkIhaveasgoodabodyinclothesasanother.

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Tai.Youlackpointstobringyourappareltogether,sir.

Fung.I'llhavepointsanon.Hownow!Is'tright?

Habe.Faith,sir,'tistoolittle;butuponfartherhopesGood

morrowtoyou,sir.[Exit.

Fung.Farewell,goodhaberdasher.Well,now,masterSnip,letmeseeyourbill.

Mit.Methinkshedischargeshisfollowerstoothick.

Cor.0,thereinhesaucilyimitatessomegreatman.Iwarrantyou,thoughheturnsoffthem,hekeepsthistailor,inplaceofapage,tofollowhimstill.

Fung.Thisbillisveryreasonable,infaith:harkyou,masterSnip—Troth,sir,Iamnotaltogethersowellfurnishedatthis

present,asIcouldwishIwere;butifyou'lldomethefavour

totakepartinhand,youshallhaveallIhave,bythishand.

Tai.Sir

Fung.Andbutgivernecreditfortherest,tillthebeginningofthenextterm.

Tai.Olord,sir

Fung.'ForeGod,andbythislight,I'llpayyoutotheutmost,andacknowledgemyselfverydeeplyengagedtoyoubythecourtesy.

Tai.Why,howmuchhaveyouthere,sir?

Fung.Marry,Ihaveherefourangels,andfifteenshillingsofwhitemoney:it'sallIhave,asIhopetobeblest.

EveryManOutofHisHumour125

Tai.You\villnotfailmeatthenexttermwiththerest?

Fung.No,anIdo,prayheavenIbehang'd.Letmeneverbreatheagainuponthismortalstage,asthephilosophercallsit!Bythisair,andasIamagentleman,I'llhold.

Cor.Hewereaniron-heartedfellow,inmyjudgment,thatwouldnotcredithimuponthisvolleyofoaths.

Tai.Well,sir,I'llnotstickwithanygentlemanforatrifle:youknowwhat'tisremains?

Fung.Ay,sir,andIgiveyouthanksingoodfaith.Ofate,howhappyIammadeinthisgoodfortune!Well,nowI'llgoseekoutmonsieurBrisk.'Odsso,Ihaveforgotribandformyshoes,

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andpoints.'Slid,whatluck'sthis!howshallIdo?MasterSnip,prayletmereductsometwoorthreeshillingsforpointsandribands:asIamanhonestman,Ihaveutterlydisfurnishedmyself,inthedefaultofmemory;prayletmebebeholdingtoyou;itshallcomehomeinthebill,believeme.

Tai.Faith,sir,Icanhardlydepartwithreadymoney;butI'lltakeup,andsendyousomebymyboypresently.Whatcolouredribandwouldyouhave?

Fung.Whatyoushallthinkmeetinyourjudgment,sir,tomysuit.

Tai.Well,I'llsendyousomepresently.

Fung.Andpointstoo,sir?

Tai.Andpointstoo,sir.

Fung.Goodlord,howshallIstudytodeservethiskindnessofyou,sir!Prayletyouryouthmakehaste,forIshouldhavedoneabusinessanhoursince,thatIdoubtIshallcometoolate.[ExitTailor.]Now,ingoodfaith,Iamexceedingproudofmysuit.

Cor.Doyouobservetheplungesthatthispoorgallantisputto,signior,topurchasethefashion?

Mit.Ay,andtobestillafashionbehindwiththeworld,that'sthesport.

Cor.Stay:0,heretheycomefromseal'danddeliver'd.

SCEXEVI.—PUNTARVOLO'SLodgings.

EnterPTTNTARVOLO,FASTIDIOUSBRISKinanewsuit,andServantswitftthedog.

Punt.Well,nowmywholeventureisforth,Iwillresolvetodepartshortly.

Fast.Faith,sirPuntarvolo,gotothecourt,andtakeleaveoftheladiesfirst.

Punt.Icarenot,ifitbethisafternoon'slabour.WhereisCarlo?

Fast.Herehecomes.

EnterCARLO,SOGLIARDO,SHIFT,andMACILENTE.

Car.Faith,gallants,Iampersuadingthisgentleman[pointstoSogliardo]toturncourtier.Heisamanoffairrevenue,andhisestatewillbearthechargewell.Besides,forhisothergiftsofthemind,orso,whytheyareasnaturelenthimthem,pure,simple,withoutanyartificialdrugormixtureofthesetwothreadbarebeggarlyqualities,learningandknowledge,andthereforethemoreaccommodateandgenuine.Now,forthelifeitself

Fast.O,themostcelestial,andfullofwonderanddelight,thatcanbeimagined,signior,beyondthoughtandapprehensionofpleasure!Amanlivesthereinthatdivinerapture,that

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hewillthinkhimselfi'theninthheavenforthetime,andloseallsenseofmortalitywhatsoever,whenheshallbeholdsuchglorious,andalmostimmortalbeauties;hearsuchangelicalandharmoniousvoices,discoursewithsuchflowingandambrosialspirits,whosewitsareassuddenaslightning,andhumorousasnectar;oh,itmakesamanallquintessenceandflame,andliftshimup,inamoment,totheverycrystalcrownofthesky,where,hoveringinthestrengthofhisimagination,heshallbeholdallthedelightsoftheHesperides,theInsulseFortunatae,Adonis'Gardens,Tempe,orwhatelse,confinedwithintheamplestvergeofpoesy,tobemereumbrae,andimperfectfigures,conferredwiththemostessentialfelicityofyourcourt.

Mad.Well,thisecomiumwasnotextemporal,itcametooperfectlyoff.

Car.Besides,sir,youshallneverneedtogotoahot-house,youshallsweattherewithcourtingyourmistress,orlosingyourmoneyatprimero,aswellasinallthestovesinSweden.Marry,this,sir,youmusteverbesuretocarryagoodstrongperfumeaboutyou,thatyourmistress'sdogmaysmellyououtamongsttherest;and,inmakinglovetoher,neverfeartobeout;foryoumayhaveapipeoftobacco,orabassviolshallhango'thewall,ofpurpose,willputyouinpresently.ThetricksyourResolutionhastaughtyouintobacco,thewhiffe,andthosesleights,willstandyouinverygoodornamentthere.

Fast.Ay,tosome,perhaps;but,anheshouldcometomymistresswithtobacco(thisgentlemanknows)she'dreplyuponhim,i'faith.O,bythisbrightsun,shehasthemostacute,ready,and

facetiouswitthattut,there'snospiritabletostandher.You

canreportit,signior,youhaveseenher.

Punt.Thencanhereportnoless,outofhisjudgment,Iassurehim.

Mad.Troth,Ilikeherwellenough,butshe'stooself-conceited,methinks.

Fast.Ay,indeed,she'salittletooself-conceited;an'twerenotforthathumour,shewerethemost-to-be-admiredladyintheworld.

Punt.Indeed,itisahumourthattakesfromherotherexcellences.

EveryManOutofHisHumour127

Mad.Why,itmayeasilybemadetoforsakeher,inmythought.

Fast.Easily,sir!thenareallimpossibilitieseasy.

Mad.Youconcludetooquickuponme,signior.Whatwillyousay,ifImakeitsoperspicuouslyappearnow,thatyourselfshallconfessnothingmorepossible?

Fast.Marry,Iwillsay,Iwillbothapplaudandadmireyouforit.

Punt.AndIwillsecondhimintheadmiration.

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Maci.Why,I'llshowyou,gentlemen.—Carlo,comehither.

[Mad.,Car.,Punt.,andFast,whispertogether.

Sog.Goodfaith,Ihaveagreathumourtothecourt.WhatthinksmyResolution?shallIadventure?

Shift.Troth,Countenance,asyouplease;theplaceisaplaceofgoodreputationandcapacity.

Sog.O,mytricksintobacco,asCarlosays,willshowexcellentthere.

Shift.Why,youmaygowiththesegentlemennow,andseefashions;andafter,asyoushallseecorrespondence.

Sog.Yousaytrue.Youwillgowithme,Resolution?

Shift.Iwillmeetyou,Countenance,aboutthreeorfouro'clock;but,tosaytogowithyou,Icannot;for,asIamApple-John,Iamtogobeforethecockatriceyousawthismorning,andthereforepray,presentmeexcused,goodCountenance.

Sog.Farewell,goodResolution,butfailnottomeet.

Shift.AsIlive.[Exit.

Punt.Admirablyexcellent!

Mad.IfyoucanbutpersuadeSogliardotocourt,there'sallnow.

Car.O,letmealone,that'smytask.[GoestoSoghardo.

Fast.Xow,bywit,Macilente,it'sabovemeasureexcellent;'twillbetheonlycourt-exploitthateverprovedcourtieringenious.

Punt.Uponmysoul,itputstheladyquiteoutofherhumour,andweshalllaughwithjudgment.

Car.Come,thegentlemanwasofhimselfresolvedtogowithyou,aforeImovedit.

Mad.Why,then,gallants,youtwoandCarlogoaforetopreparethejest;SogliardoandIwillcomesomewhileafteryou.

Car.Pardonme,Iamnotforthecourt.

Punt.That'strue;Carlocomesnotatcourt,indeed.Well,youshallleaveittothefacultyofmonsieurBrisk,andmyself;uponourlives,wewillmanageithappily.CarloshallbespeaksupperattheMitre,againstwecomeback:wherewewillmeetanddimpleourcheekswithlaughteratthesuccess.

Car.Ay,butwillyoupromisetocome?

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Punt.Myselfshallundertakeforthem;hethatfails,lethisreputationlieunderthelashofthytongue.

Car.Odsso,lookwhocomeshere!

EnterFUNGOSO.Sog.What,nephew!

Fung.Uncle,Godsaveyou;didyouseeagentleman,onemonsieurBrisk,acourtier?hegoesinsuchasuitasIdo.

Sog.Hereisthegentleman,nephew,butnotinsuchasuit.

Fung.Anothersuit!

Sog.Hownow,nephew?

Fast.Wouldyouspeakwithme,sir?

Car.Ay,whenhehasrecoveredhimself,poorPoll!

Punt.Somerosa-solis.

Mad.Hownow,signior?

Fung.Iamnotwell,sir.

Mad.Why,thisitistodogthefashion.

Car.Nay,come,gentlemen,rememberyouraffairs;hisdiseaseisnothingbutthefluxofapparel.

Punt.Sirs,returntothelodging,keepthecatsafe;I'llbethedog'sguardianmyself.[ExeuntServants.

Sog.Nephew,willyougotocourtwithus?thesegentlemenandIareforthecourt;nay,benotsomelancholy.

Fung.'Slid,IthinknomaninChristendomhasthatrascallyfortunethatIhave.

Mad.Faith,yousuitiswellenough,signior.

Fung.Nay,notforthat,Iprotest;butIhadanerrandtomonsieurFastidious,andIhaveforgotit.

Mad.Why,goalongtocourtwithus,andrememberit;come,gentlemen,youthreetakeoneboat,andSogliardoandIwilltakeanother;weshallbethereinstantly.

Fast.Content:goodsir,vouchsafeusyourpleasance.

Punt.Farewell,Carlo:remember.

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Car.Iwarrantyou:wouldIhadoneofKemp'sshoestothrowafteryou.

Punt.Goodfortunewillclosetheeyesofourjest,fearnot:andweshallfrolick.[Exeunt.

Mit.ThisMadlente,signior,beginstobemoresociableonasudden,methinks,thanhewasbefore:there'ssomeportentinit,Ibelieve.

Cor.0,he'safellowofastrangenature.Nowdoeshe,inthiscalmofhishumour,plot,andstoreupaworldofmaliciousthoughtsinhisbrain,tillheissofullwiththem,thatyoushallseetheverytorrentofhisenvybreakforthlikealand-flood:and,againstthecourseofalltheiraffections,opposeitselfsoviolently,thatyouivillalmostJiavewondertothink,how'tispossiblethecurrentoftheirdispositionsshallreceivesoquickandstronganalteration.

Mit.Ay,marry,sir,thisisthat,onwhichmyexpectationJiasdweltallthiswhile;forImusttellyou,signior,thoughIwaslothtointerruptthescene,yetImadeitaquestioninmineownprivatediscourse,howheshouldproperlycallitEveryManoutofhisHumour,whenIsawallhisactorssostronglypursue,andcontinuetheirhumours?

Cor.Why,thereinhisartappearsmostfulloflustre,andapproachethnearestthelife;especiallywhenintheflameandheightoftheirhumours,theyarelaidflat,itfillstheeyebetter,andwithmorecontentment.Howtediousasightwereittobeholdaproudexaltedtree

EveryManOutofHisHumour129

lopt,andcutdownbydegrees,whenitmightbe.felVdinamoment!andtosettheaxetoitbeforeitcametothatprideandfulness,were,asnottohaveitgrow.

I\Iit.Well,IshalllongtillIseethisfall,youtalkof.

Cor.Tohelpyourlonging,signior,letyourimaginationbeswifterthanapairofoars:andbythis,supposePuntarvolo,Brisk,Fungoso,andthedog,arrivedatthecourt-gate,andgoinguptothegreatchamber.MacilenteandSogliardo,we'llleavethemonthewater,tillpossibilityandnaturalmeansmaylandthem.Herecomethegallants,nowprepareyourexpectation.

ACTV

SCENEI.—ThePalaceStairs.

EnterPUNTARVOLO,withhisdog,followedbyFASTIDIOUSBRISKandFUXGOSO.

Punt.Come,gentles,Signior,youaresufficientlyinstructed.

Fast.Who,I,sir?

Punt.No,thisgentleman.Butstay,Itakethoughthowtobestowmydog;heisnocompetentattendantforthepresence.

Fast.Mass,that'strue,indeed,knight;youmustnotcarryhimintothepresence.

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Punt.Iknowit,andI,likeadullbeast,forgottobringoneofmycormorantstoattendme.

Fast.Why,youwerebestleavehimattheporter'slodge.

Punt.Notso;hisworthistoowellknownamongstthem,tobeforth-coming.

Fast.'Slight,howwillyoudothen?

Punt.Imustleavehimwithonethatisignorantofhisquality,ifIwillhavehimtobesafe.Andsee!herecomesonethatwillcarrycoals,ergo,willholdmydog.

EnteraGroom,withabasket.

Myhonestfriend,mayIcommitthetuitionofthisdogtothyprudentcare?

Groom.Youmay,ifyouplease,sir.

Punt.Praytheeletmefindtheehereatmyreturn;itshallnotbelong,tillIwilleasetheeofthyemployment,andpleasethee.Forth,gentles.

Fast.Why,butwillyouleavehimwithsoslightcommand,andinfusenomorechargeuponthefellow?

Punt.Charge!no;therewerenopoliryinthat;thatweretolethimknowthevalueofthegemheholds,andsototemptfrailnatureagainstherdisposition.No,praytheeletthyhonestybesweet,asitshallbeshort.

Groom.Yes,sir.

Punt.Butharkyou,gallants,andchinlymonsieurBrisk:whenWPcomeineye-shot,orpresenceofthislady,letnotothermatters

carryusfromourproject;but,ifwecan,singleherforthtosomeplace

Fast.Iwarrantyou.

Punt.Andbenottoosudden,butletthedeviceinduceitselfwithgoodcircumstance.On.

Fung.Isthistheway?goodtruth,herebefinehangings.

[ExeuntPunt.,Fast.,andFungoso.

Groom.HonestyIsweet,andshortIMarry,itshall,sir,doubtyounot;forevenatthisinstantifonewouldgivemetwentypounds,Iwouldnotdeliverhim;there'sforthesweet:butnow,ifanymancomeoffermebuttwo-pence,heshallhavehim;there'sfortheshortnow.'Slid,whatamadhumorousgentlemanisthistoleavehisdogwithme!Icouldrunawaywithhimnow,anhewereworthanything,j

EnterMACILENTEandSOGLJARDO.

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Maci.Comeon,signior,nowpreparetocourtthisall-wittedlady,mostnaturally,andlikeyourself.

Sog.Faith,anyousaytheword,I'llbegintoherintobacco.

Maci.O,fieon't!no;youshallbeginwith,Howdoesmysweetlady,or,Whyareyousomelancholy,madam?thoughshebeverymerry,it'sallone.Besuretokissyourhandoftenenough;prayforherhealth,andtellher,howmorethanmostfairsheis.Screwyourfaceatonesidethus,andprotest:letherfleer,andlookaskance,andhideherteethwithherfan,whenshelaughsafit,tobringherintomorematter,that'snothing:youmusttalkforward,(thoughitbewithoutsense,soitbewithoutblushing,)'tismostcourt-likeandwell.

Sog.ButshallInotusetobaccoatall?

Maci.0,bynomeans;'twillbutmakeyourbreathsuspected,andthatyouuseitonlytoconfoundtheranknessofthat.

Sog.Nay,I'llbeadvised,sir,bymyfriends.

Maci.Od'smylife,seewheresirPuntarvolo'sdogis.

Groom.Iwouldthegentlemanwouldreturnforhisfollowerhere,I'llleavehimtohisfortuneselse.

Maci.'Tweretheonlytruejestintheworldtopoisonhimnow;ha!bythishandI'lldoit,ifIcouldbutgethimofthefellow.[Aside.]SigniorSogliardo,walkaside,andthinkuponsomedevicetoentertaintheladywith.

Sog.SoIdo,sir.[Walksoffinameditatingposture.

Maci.Hownow,minehonestfriend!whosedog-keeperartthou?

Groom.Dog-keeper,sir!IhopeIscornthat,i'faith.

Maci.Why,dostthounotkeepadog?

Groom.Sir,nowIdo,andnowIdonot:[throwsoffthedog.]Ithinkthisbesweetandshort.Makemehisdog-keeper![Exit.

Maci.Thisisexcellent,aboveexpectation!nay,stay,sir;[seizingthedog.]you'dbetravelling;butI'llgiveyouadramshallshortenyourvoyage,here.[Giveshimpoison.]So,sir,I'llbeboldtotakemyleaveofyou.NowtotheTurk'scourtinthe

j

devil'sname,foryoushallnevergoo'God'sname.[Kickshimout.]—Sogliardo,come.

Sog.Ihaveiti'faithnow,willstingit.

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Mad.Takeheedyouleeseitnot,signior,ereyoucomethere;preserveit.[Exeunt.

Cor.Howlikeyouthisfirstexploitofhis?

Mit.0,apieceoftrueenvy;butIexpecttheissueoftheotherdevice.

Cor.Heretheycomewillmakeitappear.

SCENEII.—AnApartmentinthePalace.EnterSAVIOLIXA,PUNTARVOLO,FASTIDIOUSBRISK,andFUNGOSO.

Sav.Why,Ithought,sirPuntarvolo,youhadbeengoneyourvoyage?

Punt.Dearandmostamiablelady,yourdivinebeautiesdobindmetothoseoffices,thatIcannotdepartwhenIwould.

Sav.Tismostcourt-likespoken,sir;buthowmightwedotohaveasightofyourdogandcat?

Fast.Hisdogisinthecourt,lady.

Sav.Andnotyourcat?howdareyoutrustherbehindyou,sir.

Punt.Troth,madam,shehathsoreeyes,andshedothkeepherchamber;marry,Ihaveleftherundersufficientguard,therearetwoofmyfollowerstoattendher.

Sav.I'llgiveyousomewaterforhereyes.Whendoyougo,sir?

Punt.Certes,sweetlady,Iknownot.

Fast.Hedothstaytherather,madam,topresentyouracutejudgmentwithsocourtlyandwellpartedagentlemanasyetyourladyshiphathneverseen.

Sav.Whatishe,gentlemonsieurBrisk?notthatgentleman?

[PointstoFungoso.

Fast.No,lady,thisisakinsmantojusticeSilence.

Punt.Pray,sir,givemeleavetoreporthim.He'sagentleman,lady,ofthatrareandadmirablefaculty,as,Iprotest,IknownothislikeinEurope;heisexceedinglyvaliant,anexcellentscholar,andsoexactlytravelled,thatheisable,indiscourse,todeliveryouamodelofanyprince'scourtintheworld;speaksthelanguageswiththatpurityofphrase,andfacilityofaccent,thatitbreedsastonishment;hiswit,themostexuberant,and,abovewonder,pleasant,ofallthateverenteredtheconcaveofthisear.

Fast.'Tismosttrue,lady;marry,heisnosuchexcellentproperman.

Punt.Histravelshavechangedhiscomplexion,madam.

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Sav.0,sirPuntarvolo,youmustthinkeverymanwasnotborntohavemyservantBrisk'sfeature.

Punt.Butthatwhichtranscendsall,lady;hedothBOpeerlesslyimitateanymannerofpersonforgesture,action,passion,orwhatever

Fast.Ay,especiallyarusticoraclown,madam,thatitisnotpossibleforthesharpest-sightedwitintheworldtodiscernanysparksofthegentlemaninhim,whenhedoesit.

Sav.0,monsieurBrisk,benotsotyrannoustoconfineallwitswithinthecompassofyourown;notfindthesparksofagentlemaninhim,ifhebeagentleman!

Fung.No,intruth,sweetlady,Ibelieveyoucannot.

Sav.Doyoubelieveso?why,Icanfindsparksofagentlemaninyou,sir.

Punt.Ay,heisagentleman,madam,andareveller.

Fung.Indeed,IthinkIhaveseenyourladyshipatourrevels.

Sav.Likeenough,sir;butwouldImightseethiswonderyoutalkof;mayonehaveasightofhimforanyreasonablesum?

Punt.Yes,madam,hewillarrivepresently.

Sav.What,andshallweseehimclownit?

Fast.I'faith,sweetlady,thatyoushall;see,herehecomes.

EnterMACILENTEandSOGLIARDO.

Punt.Thisishe!prayobservehim,lady.

Sav.Beshrewme,heclownsitproperlyindeed,

Punt.Nay,markhiscourtship.

Sog.Howdoesmysweetlady?hotandmoist?beautifulandlusty?ha!

Sav.Beautiful,anitpleaseyou,sir,butnotlusty.

Sog.0ho,lady,itpleasesyoutosayso,intruth:Andhowdoesmysweetlady?inhealth?Bonaroba,quceso,quenovelles?quenovelles?sweetcreature!

Sav.Oexcellent!why,gallants,isthishethatcannotbedeciphered?theywereveryblear-witted,i'faith,thatcouldnotdiscernthegentlemaninhim,

Punt.Butyoudo,inearnest,lady?

Sav.DoI,sir!why,ifyouhadanytruecourt-judgmentinthecarriageofhiseye,andthat

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inwardpowerthatformshiscountenance,youmightperceivehiscounterfeitingasclearasthenoonday;alasnay,ifyouwouldhavetriedmywit,indeed,you

shouldneverhavetoldmehewasagentleman,butpresentedhimforatrueclownindeed;andthenhaveseenifIcouldhavedecipheredhim.

Fast.'ForeGod,herladyshipsaystrue,knight:butdoeshenotaffecttheclownmostnaturally,mistress?

Punt.O,shecannotbutaffirmthat,outofthebountyofherjudgment.

Sav.Nay,outofdoubthedoeswell,foragentlemantoimitate:butIwarrantyou,hebecomeshisnaturalcarriageofthegentleman,muchbetterthanhisclownery.

Fast."Tisstrange,intruth,herladyshipshouldseesofarintohim!

Punt.Ay,isitnot?

Sav.Faith,aseasilyasmaybe;notdecipherhim,quothyou!

Fung.Goodsadness,Iwonderatit.

Mad.Why,hasshedecipheredhim,gentlemen?

Punt.O,mostmiraculously,andbeyondadmiration.

Maci.Isitpossible?

Fast.Shehathgather'dmostinfalliblesignsofthegentlemaninhim,that'scertain.

Sav.Why,gallants,letmelaughatyoualittle:wasthisyourdevice,totrymyjudgmentinagentleman?

Maci.Xay,lady,donotscornus,thoughyouhavethisgiftofperspicacyaboveothers.Whatifheshouldbenogentlemannow,butaclownindeed,lady?

Punt.Howthinkyouofthat?wouldnotyourladyshipbeOutofvourHumour?

•/

Fast.0,butsheknowsitisnotso.

Sav.Whatifhewerenotaman,yemayaswellsay?Xay,ifyourworshipscouldgullmeso,indeed,youwerewiserthan}~ouaretakenfor.

Maci.Ingoodfaith,lady,heisaveryperfectclown,bothbyfatherandmother;thatI'llassureyou.

Sav.O,sir,youareverypleasurable.

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Maci.Xay,"dobutlookonhishand,andthatshallresolveyou;lookyou,lady,whatapalmhereis.

Sog.Tut,thatwaswithholdingtheplough.

Maci.Theplough!didyoudiscernanysuchthinginhim,madam?

Fast.Faithno,shesawthegentlemanasbrightasnoon-day,she;shedecipheredhimatfirst.

Maci.Troth,Iamsorryyourladyship'ssightshouldbesosuddenlystruck.

Sav.0,youaregoodlybeagles!

Fast.What,isshegone?

Sog.Xay,stay,sweetlady:quenovelles?quenorrllr*?

Sav.Out,youfool,you!'[Exitinanger.

Fung.She'sOutofherHumour,i'faith.

Fast.Xay,let'sfollowitwhile'tishot,gentlemen.

Punt.Come,onminehonourweshallmakeherblushinthepresence;myspleenisgreatwithlaughter.

Maci.Yourlaughterwillbeachildofafeeblelife,Ibelieve,sir.[Aside.]—Come,signior,yourlooksaretoodejected,methinks;whymixyounotmirthwiththerest?

Fung.Od'swill,thissuitfretsmeatthesoul.I'llhaveitalter'dto-morrow,sure.[Exeunt

SCEXEIII.—TnePalaceStairs.EnterSHIFT.

Shift.Iamcometothecourt,tomeetwithmyrY>untenarvr\Sogliardo;poormenmustbegladofsuchcountenance,whentheycangetnobetter.Well,needmayinsultuponaman,butitshallnevermakehimdespairofconsequence.Theworldwillsay,'tis

base:tush,base!'tisbasetoliveundertheearth,notbasetoliveaboveitbyanymeans.

EnterFASTIDIOUS,PUNTARVOLO,SOGLIARDO,FUNGOSO,

andMACLLENTE.

Fast.Thepoorladyismostmiserablyoutofherhumour,i'faith.

Punt.Therewasneversowittyajestbroken,atthetiltofallthecourtwitschristen'd.

Mad.O,thisapplausetaintsitfoully.

Sog.IthinkIdidmypartincourting.—0,Resolution!

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Punt.Ayme,mydog!

Mad.Whereishe?

Fast.'Sprecious,goseekforthefellow,goodsignior.

[ExitFungoso.

Punt.Here,hereIlefthim.

Mad.Why,nonewasherewhenwecameinnow,butcavalierShift;enquireofhim.

Fast.DidyouseesirPuntarvolo'sdoghere,cavalier,sinceyoucame?

Shift.Hisdog,sir!hemaylookhisdog,sir;Isawnoneofhisdog,sir.

Mad.Uponmylife,hehasstolenyourdog,sir,andbeenhiredtoitbysomethathaveventuredwithyou;youmayguessbyhisperemptoryanswers.

Punt.Notunlike;forhehathbeenanotoriousthiefbyhisownconfession.Sirrah,whereismydog?

Shift.Chargemewithyourdog,sir!Ihavenoneofyourdog,sir.

Punt.Villain,thouliest.

Shift.Lie,sir!s'blood,—youarebutaman,sir.

Punt.Rogueandthief,restorehim.

Sog.Takeheed,sirPuntarvolo,whatyoudo;he'llbearnocoals,Icantellyou,o'myword.

Mad.Thisisrare.

Sog.It'smariehestabsyounot:Bythislight,hehathstabbedforty,forfortytimeslessmatter,Icantellyouofmyknowledge.

Punt.Iwillmaketheestoop,thouabject.

Sog.Makehimstoop,sir!Gentlemen,pacifyhim,orhe'llbekill'd.

Mad.Ishesotallaman?

Sog.Tallaman!ifyoulovehislife,standbetwixtthem.Makehimstoop!

Punt.Mydog,villain,orIwillhangthee;thouhastconfestrobberies,andotherfeloniousacts,tothisgentleman,thyCountenance

Sog.I'llbearnowitness.

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Punt.Andwithoutmydog,Iwillhangthee,forthem.

[Shiftkneels.

Sog.What!kneeltothineenemies!

Shift.Pardonme,goodsir;Godismywitness,Ineverdidrobberyinallmylife.

Re-enterFUNGOSO.

Fung.O,sirPuntarvolo,yourdogliesgivinguptheghostinthewood-vard.

•/

Mad.Heart,ishenotdeadyet![Aside.

Punt.0,mydog,borntodisastrousfortune!prayyouconductme,sir.[ExitwithFungoso.

Sog.How!didyouneverdoanyrobberyinyourlife?

Mad.0,thisisgood!soheswore,sir.

Sog.Ay,Iheardhim:anddidyousweartrue,sir?

Shift.Ay,asIhopetobeforgiven,sir,Ineverrobbedanyman;Ineverstoodbythehighwayside,sir,butonlysaidso,becauseIwouldgetmyselfaname,andbecountedatallman.

Sog.Nowout,baseviliaco!thoumyResolution!IthyCountenance!Bythislight,gentlemen,hehathconfesttomethemostinexorablecompanyofrobberies,anddamn'dhimselfthathedid'em:youneverheardthelike.Out,scoundrel,out!followmenomore,Icommandthee;outofmysight,go,hence,speaknot;Iwillnothearthee:away,camouccio![ExitShift.

Mad.0,howIdofeeduponthisnow,andfatmyself!herewereacoupleunexpectedlydishumour'd.Well,bythistime,Ihope,sirPuntarvoloandhisdogarebothoutofhumourtotravel.[Aside.}—Xay,gentlemen,whydoyounotseekouttheknight,andcomforthim?oursupperattheMitremustofnecessityholdto-night,ifyouloveyourreputations.

Fast.ToreGod,Iamsomelancholyforhisdog'sdisaster—butI'llgo.

Sog.Faith,andImaygotoo,butIknowIshallbesomelancholy.

Mad.Tush,melancholy!youmustforgetthatnow,andrememberyoulieatthemercyofafury:Carlowillrackyoursinewsasunder,andrailyoutodust,ifyoucomenot.[Exeunt.

Mit.0,thentheirfearofCarlo,belike,makesthemlioldtheirmeeting.

Cor.Ay,herehecomes;conceive,himbuttobeenterdtheMitre,and'tisenough.

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SCEXEIV.—ARoomattheMitre.

EnterCARLO.

Car.Holla!wherebetheseshot-sharks?

EnterDrawer.

Draw.Byandby;youarewelcome,goodmasterBufTone.Car.Where'sGeorge?callmeGeorgehither,<|'iickly.Draw.Whatwinepleaseyouhave,sir?I'lldrawyouthat'sneit,masterBuffone.

Car.Away,neophite,doasIbidthee,bringmydearGeorgetome:—

EnterGEORGE.Mass,herehecomes.

George.Welcome,masterCarlo.

Car.What,issupperready,George?

George.Ay,sir,almost:Willyouhavetheclothlaid,masterCarlo?

Car.0,whatelse?Arenoneofthegallantscomeyet?

George.Noneyet,sir.

Car.Stay,takemewithyou,George;letmehaveagoodfatloinofporklaidtothefire,presently.

George.Itshall,sir.

Car.Andwithal,hearyou,drawmethebiggestshaftyouhaveoutofthebuttyouwotof;away,youknowmymeaning,George;quick!

George.Done,sir.[Exit.

Car.Ineverhungeredsomuchforanythinginmylife,asIdotoknowourgallants'successatcourt;nowisthatlean,bald-ribMacilente,thatsaltvillain,plottingsomemischievousdevice,andliesasoakingintheirfrothyhumourslikeadrycrust,tillhehasdrunk'emallup:Couldthepummicebutholduphiseyesatothermen'shappiness,inanyreasonableproportion,'slid,theslaveweretobelovednextheaven,abovehonour,wealth,richfare,apparel,wenches,allthedelightsofthebellyandthegroin,whatever.

Re-enterGEORGEwithtwojugsofwine.

George.Here,masterCarlo.

Car.Isitright,boy?

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George.Ay,sir,Iassureyou'tisright.

Car.Wellsaid,mydearGeorge,depart:[ExitGeorge.]—Come,mysmallgimblet,youinthefalsescabbard,away,so![PutsforththeDrawer,andshutsthedoor.]Nowtoyou,sirBurgomaster,let'stasteofyourbounty.

Mit.What,willhedealuponsuchquantitiesofwine,alone?Cor.Youwillperceivetliat,sir.

Car.[drinks.]Ay,marry,sir,here'spurity;0,George—Icould

biteoffhisnoseforthisnow,sweetrogue,hehasdrawnnectar,the

verysoulofthegrape!I'llwashmytempleswithsomeon't

presently,anddrinksomehalfascoredraughts;'twillheatthe

brain,kindlemyimagination,Ishalltalknothingbutcrackersand

fire-worksto-night.So,sir!pleaseyoutobehere,sir,andIhere:so.

[Setsthetwocupsasunder,drinkswiththeone,andpledgeswith

theother,speakingforeachofthecups,anddrinkingalternately.

Cor.Thisisworththeobservation,signior.

Car.1Cup.Now,sir,here'stoyou;andIpresentyouwithsomuchofmylove.

2Cup.Itakeitkindlyfromyou,sir[drinks],andwillreturnyouthelikeproportion;butwithal,sir,rememberingthemerrynightwehadatthecountess's,youknowwhere,sir.

1Cup.Byheaven,youputmeinmindnowofaverynecessaryoffice,whichIwillproposeinyourpledge,sir;thehealthofthathonourablecountess,andthesweetladythatsatbyher,sir.

2Cup.Idovailtoitwithreverence[drinks].Andnow,signior,withtheseladies,I'llbeboldtomixthehealthofyourdivinemistress.

1Cup.Doyouknowher,sir?

2Cup.0lord,sir,ay;andintherespectfulmemoryandmentionofher,Icouldwishthiswinewerethemostpreciousdrugintheworld.

1Cup.Goodfaith,sir,youdohonourmein'texceedingly.[Drinks.]

.Mit.Whomshouldhepersonateinthis,signior?Cor.Faith,Iknownot,sir;observe,observehim.

2Cup.Ifitwerethebasestfilth,ormudthatrunsinthechannel,Iamboundtopledgeit

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respectively,sir.[Drinks.]Andnow,sir,hereisareplenish'dbowl,whichIwillreciprocallyturnuponyou,tothehealthofthecountFrugale.

1Cup.ThecountFrugale'shealth,sir?I'llpledgeitonmyknees,bythislight.[Kneels.

2Cup.Willyou,sir?I'lldrinkitonmyknees,then,bythelight.

Mit.Whythisisstrange.

Cor.Haveyouheardabetterdrunkendialogue?

2Cup.Nay,domeright,sir.

1Cup.SoIdo,infaith.

2Cup.Goodfaithyoudonot;minewasfuller.

1Cup.Why,believeme,itwasnot.

2Cup.Believemeitwas;andyoudolie.

1Cup.Lie,sir!

2Cup.Ay,sir.

1Cup.'Swounds!yourascal!

2Cup.0,come,stabifyouhaveamindtoit.1Cup.Stab!dostthouthinkIdarenot?

Car.[speaksinhisownperson.]Nay,Ibeseechyou.gentlemen,whatmeansthis?nay,look,forshamerespectyourreputations.

[Overturnswine,pot,cups,andall.

Eitt'rMACII.KNTE.

Mnd.Why,hownow,(';ul<>!whathumour'sthis?Car.0,mygoodmischief!artthoucome?wherearetherest,\\herearetherest?

Mad.Faith,threeofourordnanceareburst.

Car.Burst!howcomesthat?

Mad.Faith,overcharged,overcharged.

Car.Butdidnotthetrainhold?

Had.O,yes,andthepoorladyisirrecoverablyblownup.

Car.Why,butwhichofthemunitionismiscarried,ha?

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Maci.Imprimis,sirPuntarvolo;next,theCountenanceandResolution.

Car.How,how,fortheloveofwit?

Maci.Troth,theResolutionisprovedrecreant;theCountenancehathchangedhiscopy;andthepassionateknightissheddingfuneraltearsoverhisdeparteddog.

Car.What!ishisdogdead?

Maci.Poison'd,'tisthought;marry,how,orbywhom,that'sleftforsomecunningwomanhereo'theBank-sidetoresolve.Formypart,Iknownothingmorethanthatweareliketohaveanexceedingmelancholysupperofit.

Car.'Slife,andIhadpurposedtobeextraordinarilymerry,Ihaddrunkoffagoodpreparativeofoldsackhere;butwilltheycome,willtheycome?

Maci.Theywillassuredlycome;marry,Carlo,asthoulov'stme,runover'emallfreelyto-night,andespeciallytheknight;sparenosulphurousjestthatmaycomeoutofthatsweatyforgeofthine;butplythemwithallmannerofshot,minion,saker,culverin,oranything,whatthouwilt.

Car.Iwarrantthee,mydearcaseofpetrionels;soIstandnotindreadofthee,butthatthou'Itsecondme.

Maci.Why,mygoodGermantapster,Iwill.

Car.WhatGeorge!Lomtero,Lomtero,etc.[Singsanddances.

Re-enterGEORGE.

George.Didyoucall,masterCarlo?

Car.Morenectar,George:Lomtero,etc.

George.Yourmeat'sready,sir,anyourcompanywerecome.

Car.Istheloinofporkenough?

George.Ay,sir,itisenough.[Exit.

Maci.Pork!heart,whatdostthouwithsuchagreasydish?Ithinkthoudostvarnishthyfacewiththefaton't,itlookssolikeaglue-pot.

Car.True,myraw-bonedrogue,andifthouwouldstfarcethyleanribswithittoo,theywouldnot,likeraggedlaths,ruboutsomanydoubletsastheydo;butthouknow'stnotagooddish,thou.0,it'stheonlynourishingmeatintheworld.Nomarvelthoughthatsaucy,stubborngeneration,theJews,wereforbiddenit;forwhatwouldtheyhavedone,wellpamper'dwithfatpork,thatdurstmurmurattheirMakeroutofgarlickandonions?'Slight!fedwithit,thewhoresonstrummel-patch'd,goggled-eyedgrumble-dories,wouldhavegigantomachised—

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Re-enterGEORGEwithwine.Wellsaid,mysweetGeorge,fill,fill.

Mit.Thissavourstoomuchofprofanation.

EveryManOutofHisHumour139

Cor.0Serveturadimum,

Qualisabincceptoprocesserit,etsibiconstet.

Thenecessityofhisveincompelsatoleration,for;barthis,anddash

himoutofhumourbeforehistime.

Car.'Tisanaxiominnaturalphilosophy,rvhatcomesnearestthenatureofthatitfeeds,convertsquickertonourishment,anddothsooneressentiate.Nownothinginfleshandentrailsassimilatesorresemblesmanmorethanahogorswine.[Drinks.

Mad.True;andhe,torequitetheircourtesy,oftentimesdoffethhisownnature,andputsontheirs;aswhenhebecomesaschurlishasahog,orasdrunkasasow;buttoyourconclusion.[Drinks.

Car.Marry,Isay,nothingresemblingmanmorethanaswine,itfollows,nothingcanbemorenourishing;forindeed(butthatitabhorsfromournicenature)ifwefedupononeanother,weshouldshootupagreatdealfaster,andthrivemuchbetter;Irefermetoyourusurouscannibals,orsuchlike;butsinceitissocontrary,pork,pork,isyouronlyfeed.

Mad.Itakeit,yourdevilbeofthesamediet;hewouldneverhavedesiredtohavebeenincorporatedintoswineelse.—0,herecomesthemelancholymess;upon'em,Carlo,charge,charge!

EnterPUNTARVOLO,FASTIDIOUSBRISK,SOGLIARDO,and

FUNGOSO.

Car.'ForeGod,sirPuntarvolo,Iamsorryforyourheaviness:bodyo'me,ashrew'dmischance!why,hadyounounicorn'shorn,norbezoar'sstoneaboutyou,ha?

Punt.Sir,Iwouldrequestyoubesilent.

Mad.Nay,tohimagain.

Car.Takecomfort,goodknight,ifyourcathaverecoveredhercatarrh,fearnothing;yourdog'smischancemaybeholpen.

Fast.Sayhow,sweetCarlo;for,soGodmendme,thepoorknight'smoansdrawmeintofellowshipofhismisfortunes.Butbenotdiscouraged,goodsirPuntarvolo,Iamcontentyouradventureshallbeperformeduponyourcat.

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Mad.Ibelieveyou,musk-cod,Ibelieveyou;forratherthanthouwould'stmakepresentrepayment,thouwould'sttakeituponhisownbarereturnfromCalais.[Aside.

Car.Nay,'slife,he'dbecontent,sohewerewellridoutofhiscompany,topayhimfiveforone,athisnextmeetinghiminPaul's.[AsidetoMadlente.]—Butforyourdog,sirPuntarvolo,ifhebenotout-rightdead,thereisafriendofmine,aquack-salver,shallputlifeinhimagain,that'scertain.

Fung.O,no,thatcomestoolate.

Mad.'Sprecious!knight,willyousufTorthis?

Punt.Drawer,getmeacandleandhardwaxpresently.

[ExitGeorge.

Sog.Ay,andbringups'ipprr:forTamsomelancholy.

Car.O,signior,where'syourResolution?

Sog.Resolution!hanghim,rascal:0,Carlo,ifyouloveme,donotmentionhim.

Car.Why,howso?

Sog.0,thearrantestcrocodilethateverChristianwasacquaintedwith.Bymygentry,IshallthinktheworseoftobaccowhileIlive,forhissake:Ididthinkhimtobeastallaman

Mad.Nay,Buffone,theknight,theknight.[AsidetoCarlo.

Car.'Slud,helookslikeanimagecarvedoutofbox,fullofknots;hisfaceis,foralltheworld,likeaDutchpurse,withthemouthdownward,hisbeardthetassels;andhewalks—letmesee—asmelancholyasoneo'themaster'ssideintheCounter.—Doyouhear,sirPuntarvolo?

Punt.Sir,Idoentreatyou,nomore,butenjoinyoutosilence,asyouaffectyourpeace.

Car.Nay,butdearknight,understandherearenonebutfriends,andsuchaswishyouwell,Iwouldhaveyoudothisnow;flaymeyourdogpresently(butinanycasekeepthehead)andstuffhisskinwellwithstraw,asyouseethesedeadmonstersatBartholomewfair.

Punt.Ishallbesudden,Itellyou.

Car.0,ifyoulikenotthat,sir,getmesomewhatalessdog,andclapintotheskin;here'saslaveaboutthetownhere,aJew,oneYohan:orafellowthatmakesperukeswillglueitonartificially,itshallneverbediscern'd;besides,'twillbesomuchthewarmerforthehoundtotravelin,youknow.

Mad.SirPuntarvolo,death,canyoubesopatient!

Car.Orthus,sir;youmayhave,asyoucomethroughGermany,afamiliarforlittleor

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nothing,shallturnitselfintotheshapeofyourdog,oranything,whatyouwill,forcertainhours[Puntarvolostrikeshim]——Odsmylife,knight,whatdoyoumean?you'lloilernoviolence,willyou?hold,hold!

Re-enterGEORGE,withwax,andalightedcandle.

Punt.'Sdeath,youslave,youban-dog,you!

Car.Asyoulovewit,staytheenragedknight,gentlemen.

Punt.Bymyknighthood,hethatstirsinhisrescue,dies.—Drawer,begone![ExitGeorge.

Car.Murder,murder,murder!

Punt.Ay,areyouhowling,youwolf?—Gentlemen,asyoutenderyourlives,suffernomantoentertillmyrevengebeperfect.Sirrah,Buffone,liedown;makenoexclamations,butdown;down,youcur,orIwillmakethybloodflowonmyrapierhilts.

Car.Sweetknight,holdinthyfury,and'foreheavenI'llhonourtheemorethantheTurkdoesMahomet.

Punt.Down,Isay![Carloliesdown.]—Who'sthere?

[Knockingwithin.

Cons,[within.]Here'stheconstable,openthedoora.

Car.GoodMacilente

Punt.Opennodoor;iftheAdalantadoofSpainwereherehe

EveryManOutofHisHumour141

shouldnotenter:onehelpmewiththelight,gentlemen;youknockinvain,sirofficer.Car.Ettu,Brute!

Punt.Sirrah,closeyourlips,orIwilldropitinthineeyes,byheaven.

Car.0!0!

Cons.[within.'}Openthedoor,orIwillbreakitopen.Mad.Nay,goodconstable,havepatiencealittle;youshallcomeinpresently;wehavealmostdone.

[PuntarrolosealsupCarlo'slips.

Punt.So,now,areyouOutofyourHumour,sir?Shift,gentlemen.

[Theyalldraw,andrunout,exceptFungoso,whoconcealshimselfbeneaththetable.

EnterConstableandOfficers,andseizeFASTIDIOUSasheis

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rushingby.

Cons.Layholduponthisgallant,andpursuetherest.

Fast.Layholdonme,sir,forwhat?

Cons.Marry,foryourriothere,sir,withtherestofyourcompanions.

Fast.Myriot!masterconstable,takeheedwhatyoudo.Carlo,didIofferanyviolence?

''<>ns.0,sir,youseeheisnotincasetoansweryou,andthatmakesyousoperemptory.

Re-enterGEORGEandDrawer.

Fast.Peremptory!'Slife,Iappealtothedrawers,ifIdidhimanyhardmeasure.

George.Theyareallgone,there'snoneofthemwillbelaidanyholdon.

Cons.Well,sir,youareliketoanswertilltherestcanbefoundout.

Fast.'Slid,Iappealto(.Vor^ehere.

Cons.Tut,Georgewasnothere:awaywithhimtotheCounter,sirs.—Come,sir,youwerebestgetyourselfclrestsomewhere.

[ExeuntCon*t.andOtfio'rs,tritliFaxt.andCar.

George.Goodlord,thatmasterCarlocouldnottakeheed,amiknowingwhatagentlemantheknightis,ifhebeanirry.

l>rair,r.\[.<>\onVIM.theyhaveleftallthemeatonourhands;\\tuiidthey\\ereehouked\\illiitforme!

-inf,-r.M.vcii.i:\ri:.

M>i,-i.\Yliat.aretheyLr»ne.sirs?George.O,here'smaster.Maeilente.

Mari.[fn)inlingtoFungosn.]Sirrah.George,doyouseethatconeealmentthere,thatnipkinunderthetable?-i••/-•/'.'(>dsso.siLr!ii<>rFMMU'OSO!Mari.He'sLr""dpaunforthereekoniriir:l>esureyoukeephim

here,andlethimnotgoawaytillIcomeagain,thoughheoffertodischargeall;I'llreturnpresently.

George.Sirrah,wehaveapawnforthereckoning.

Draw.What,ofMacilente?

George.No;lookunderthetable.

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Fung,[creepingout.]Ihopeallbequietnow;ifIcangetbutforthofthisstreet,Icarenot:masters,Iprayyoutellnie,istheconstablegone?

George.What,masterFungoso!

Fung.Was'tnotagooddevicethissameofme,sirs?

George.Yes,faith;haveyoubeenhereallthiswhile?

Fung.Olord,ay;goodsir,lookanthecoastbeclear,I'dfainbegoing.

George.All'sclear,sir,butthereckoning;andthatyoumustclearandpaybeforeyougo,Iassureyou.

Fung.Ipay!'Slight,IeatnotabitsinceIcameintothehouse,yet.

Draw.Why,youmaywhenyouplease,'tisallreadybelowthatwasbespoken.

Fung.Bespoken!notbyme,Ihope?

George.Byyou,sir!Iknownotthat;but'twasforyouandyourcompany,Iamsure.

Fung.Mycompany!'Slid,Iwasaninvitedguest,soIwas.

Draw.Faithwehavenothingtodowiththat,sir:theyareallgonebutyou,andwemustbeanswered;that'stheshortandthelongon't.

Fung.Nay,ifyouwillgrowtoextremities,mymasters,thenwouldthispot,cup,andallwereinmybelly,ifIhaveacrossaboutme.

George.What,andhavesuchapparel!donotsayso,signior;thatmightilydiscreditsyourclothes.

Fung.AsIamanhonestman,mytailorhadallmymoneythismorning,andyetImustbefaintoaltermysuittoo.Goodsirs,letmego,'tisFridaynight,andingoodtruthIhavenostomachintheworldtoeatanything.

Draw.That'snomatter,soyoupay,sir.

Fung.'Slight,withwhatconsciencecanyouaskmetopaythatIneverdrankfor?

George.Yes,sir,Ididseeyoudrinkonce

Fung.Bythiscup,whichissilver,butyoudidnot;youdomeinfinitewrong:Ilookedinthepotonce,indeed,butIdidnotdrink.

Draw.Well,sir,ifyoucansatisfyourmaster,itshallbeallonetous.

Within.George!

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George.Byandby.[Exeunt.

Cor.Losenotyourselfnow,signior.

EveryManOutofHisHumour143

SCENEV.—.4RoominDELIBO'SHouse.EnterMACILENTEandDELIRO.

Mad.Tilt,sir,youdidbeartoohardaconceitofmeinthat;butIwillnowmakemylovetoyoumosttransparent,inspiteofanydustofsuspicionthatmayberaisedtocloudit;andhenceforth,sinceIseeitissoagainstyourhumour,Iwillneverlabourtopersuadeyou.

Deli.Why,Ithankyou,signior;butwhatisthatyoutellmemayconcernmypeacesomuch?

Mad.Faith,sir,'tisthus.Yourwife'sbrother,signiorFungoso,beingatsupperto-nightatatavern,withasortofgallants,therehappenedsomedivisionamongstthem,andheisleftinpawnforthereckoning.Now,ifeveryoulookthattimeshallpresentyouwithanhappyoccasiontodoyourwifesomegraciousandacceptableservice,takeholdofthisopportunity,andpresentlygoandredeemhim;for,beingherbrother,andhiscreditsoamplyengagedasnowitis,whensheshallhear,(ashecannothimself,buthemustoutofextremityreportit,)thatyoucame,andofferedyourselfsokindly,andwiththatrespectofhisreputation;why,thebenefitcannotbutmakeherdote,andgrowmadofyouraffections.

Deli.Now,byheaven,Macilente,Iacknowledgemyselfexceedinglyindebtedtoyou,bythiskindtenderofyourlove;andIamsorrytorememberthatIwaseversorude,toneglectafriendofyourimportance.—Bringmeshoesandacloakhere.—Iwasgoingtobed,ifyouhadnotcome.Whattavernisit?

Mad.TheMitre,sir.

Deli.0!Why,Fido!myshoes.—Goodfaith,itcannotbutpleaseherexceedingly.

EnterFALLACE.

Fal.Come,Imariewhatpieceofnight-workyouhaveinhandnow,thatyoucallforacloak,andyourshoes:What,isthisyourpander?

Deli.0,sweetwife,speaklower,Iwouldnotheshouldheartheeforaworld

Fal.Hanghim,rascal,Icannotabidehimforhistreachery,withhiswildquick-setbeardthere.Whithergoyounowwithhim?

Deli.No,whitherwithhim,dearwife;Igoalonetoaplace,fromwhenceIwillreturninstantly.—GoodMacilente,acquaintnotherwithitbyanymeans,itmaycomesomuchthemoreaccepted;framesomeotheranswer.—I'llcomebackimmediately.|/.

Fal.Nay,anIbenotworthytoknow\vliitheryougo,staytillItakeknowledgeofyourcomingback.

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Mad.Hearyou,mistressDeliro.

Fal.So,sir,andwhatsayyou?

Mad.Faith,lady,myintentswillnotdeservethisslightrespect,whenyoushallknowthem.

Fal.Yourintents!why,whatmayyourintentsbe,forGod'ssake?

Maci.Troth,thetimeallowsnocircumstance,lady,thereforeknowthiswasbutadevicetoremoveyourhusbandhence,andbestowhimsecurely,whilst,withmoreconveniency,Imightreport

toyouamisfortunethathathhappenedtomonsieurBriskNay,

comfort,sweetlady.Thisnight,beingatsupper,asortofyounggallantscommittedariot,forthewhichheonlyisapprehendedandcarriedtotheCounter,where,ifyourhusband,andothercreditors,shouldbuthaveknowledgeofhim,thepoorgentlemanwereundoneforever.

Fal.Ahme!thathewere.

Maci.Now,therefore,ifyoucanthinkuponanypresentmeansforhisdelivery,donotforeslowit.Abribetotheofficerthatcommittedhimwilldoit.

Fal.0lord,sirIheshallnotwantforabribe;prayyou,willyoucommendmetohim,andsayI'llvisithimpresently.

Maci.No,lady,Ishalldoyoubetterservice,inprotractingyourhusband'sreturn,thatyoumaygowithmoresafety.

Fal.Goodtruth,soyoumay;farewell,goodsir.[ExitMaci.]—Lord,howawomanmaybemistakeninaman!IwouldhaveswornuponalltheTestamentsintheworldhehadnotlovedmasterBrisk.Bringmemykeysthere,maid.Alas,goodgentleman,ifallIhaveinthisearthlyworldwillpleasurehim,itshallbeathisservice.[Exit.

Mit.HowMacilentesweatsinthisbusiness,ifyoumarkhim!Cor.Ay,youshallseethetruepictureofspite,anon:herecomesthepawnandhisredeemer.

SCENEVI.—ARoomattheMITRE.EnterDELIRO,FUNGOSO,andGEORGE.

Deli.Come,brother,benotdiscouragedforthis,man;what!

Fung.No,truly,Iamnotdiscouraged;butIprotesttoyou,brother,Ihavedoneimitatinganymoregallantseitherinpurseorapparel,butasshallbecomeagentleman,forgoodcarriage,orso.

Deli.Yousaywell.—Thisisallinthebillhere,isitnot?

George.Ay,sir.

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Deli.There'syourmoney,tellit:and,brother,IamgladImetwithsogoodoccasiontoshewmylovetoyou.

Fung.IwillstudytodeserveitingoodtruthanIlive.

Deli.What,isitright?

George.Ay,sir,andIthankyou.

Fung.Letmehaveacapon'slegsaved,nowthereckoningispaid.

George.Youshall,sir.[Exit.

EnterMACILENTE.

Maci.Where'ssigniorDeliro?Deli.Here,Macilente.

EveryManOutofHisHumour145

Mad.Harkyou,sir,haveyoudispatch'dthissame?

Deli.Ay,marryhaveI.

Mad.Wellthen,Icantellyounews;BriskisintheCounter.

Deli.IntheCounter!

Mad.'Tistrue,sir,committedforthestirhereto-night.NowwouldIhaveyousendyourbrotherhomeaforehim,withthereportofthisyourkindnessdonehim,tohissister,whichwillsopleasinglypossessher,andoutofhismouthtoo,thatinthemeantimeyoumayclapyouractiononBrisk,andyourwife,beinginsohappyamood,cannotentertainitill,byanymeans.

Deli.'Tisverytrue,shecannot,indeed,Ithink.

Mad.Think!why'tispastthought;youshallnevermeetthelikeopportunity,Iassureyou.

Deli.Iwilldoit.—Brother,prayyougohomeafore(thisgentlemanandIhavesomeprivatebusiness),andtellmysweetwifeI'llcomepresently.

Fung.Iwill,brother.

Mad.And,signior,acquaintyoursister,howliberally,andoutofhisbounty,yourbrotherhasusedyou(doyousee?),madeyouamanofgoodreckoning;redeem'dthatyouneverwerepossestof,credit;gaveyouasgentlemanliketermsasmightbe;foundnofaultwithyourcomingbehindthefashion;nornothing.

Fung.Nay,Iamoutofthosehumoursnow.

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Mad.Well,ifyoubeout,keepyourdistance,andbenotmadeashot-cloganymore.—Come,signior,let'smakehaste.[Exeunt.

SCENEVII.—TheCounter.EnterFALLACEandFASTIDIOUSBRISK.

Fal.0,masterFastidious,whatpityisittoseesosweetamanasyouare,insosouraplace![A'wweshim.

Cor.Asuponherlips,doesshemean?

Mit.0,thisistobeimaginedtheCounter,belike.

Fast.Troth,fairlady,'tisfirstthepleasureofthefates,andnextoftheconstable,tohaveitso:butIampatient,andindeedcomfortedthemoreinyourkindvisit.

Fal.Nay,youshallbecomfortedinmemorethanthis,ifyouplease,sir.Isentyouwordbymybrother,sir,thatmyhusbandlaidto'restyouthismorning;1knownotwhetheryoureceiveditorno.

Fast.No,believeit,sweetcreature,yourbrothergavemenosuchintelligence.

Fal.O,thelord!

/•"'/*/.Buthasyourhusbandanysuchpurpose?

Fal.0,sweetmasterBrisk,yes:andthereforebepresentlydischarged,forifhecomewithhisactionsuponyou,Lorddeliveryou!youareinforonehalf-a-scoreyear;hekeptapoormaninLudj_Mteoncetwelveyearforsixteenshillings.\\here'syourkeeper?for

love'ssakecallhim,lethimtakeabribe,anddespatchyou.Lord,howmyhearttrembles!herearenospies,arethere?

Fast.No,sweetmistress.Whyareyouinthispassion?

Fal.Olord,masterFastidious,ifyouknewhowItookupmyhusbandto-day,whenhesaidhewouldarrestyou;andhowIrailedathimthatpersuadedhimtoit,thescholarthere(who,onmyconscience,lovesyounow),andwhatcareItooktosendyouintelligencebymybrother;andhowIgavehimfoursovereignsforhispains:andnow,howIcamerunningouthitherwithoutmanorboywithme,sosoonasIheardon't;you'dsayIwereinapassionindeed.Yourkeeper,forGod'ssake!0,masterBrisk,as'tisinEuphues,HardisthecJioice,whenoneiscompelledeitherbysilencetodiewithgrief,orbyspeakingtolivewithshame.

Fast.Fairlady,Iconceiveyou,andmaythiskissassureyou,thatwhereadversityhath,asitwere,contracted,prosperityshallnot——Od'sme!yourhusband.

EnterDELIROandMACILENTB.

Fal.Ome!

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Deli.Ay!Isitthus?

Mad.Why,hownow,signiorDeliro!hasthewolfseenyou,ha?HathGorgon'sheadmademarbleofyou?

Deli.Someplanetstrikemedead!

Mad.Wliy,lookyou,sir,Itoldyou,youmighthavesuspectedthislongafore,hadyoupleased,andhavesavedthislabourofadmirationnow,andpassion,andsuchextremitiesasthisfraillumpoffleshissubjectunto.Nay,whydoyounotdoatnow,signior?methinksyoushouldsayitweresomeenchantment,deceptiovisus,orso,ha!Ifyoucouldpersuadeyourselfitwereadreamnow,'twereexcellent:faith,trywhatyoucando,signior:itmaybeyourimaginationwillbebroughttoitintime;there'snothingimpossible.

Fal.Sweethusband!

Deli.Out,lasciviousstrumpet![Exit.

Mad.What!didyouseehowillthatstaleveinbecamehimafore,ofsweetwife,anddearheart;andareyoufallenjustintothesamenow,withsweethusband!Away,followhim,go,keepstate:what!rememberyouareawoman,turnimpudent;givehimnotthehead,thoughyougivehimthehorns.Away.Andyet,methinks,youshouldtakeyourleaveofenfantperduhere,yourforlornhope.[ExitFal.]—Hownow,monsieurBrisk?what!Fridaynight,andinafflictiontoo,andyetyourpulpamenta,yourdelicatemorsels!Iperceivetheaffectionofladiesandgentlewomenpursuesyouwheresoeveryougo,monsieur.

Fast.Now,ingoodfaith,andasIamgentle,therecouldnothavecomeathinginthisworldtohavedistractedmemore,thanthewrinkledfortunesofthispoordame.

Mad.Oyes,sir;Icantellyouathingwilldistractyoumuchbetter,believeit:SigniorDelirohasenteredthreeactionsagainst

EveryManOutofHisHumour147

you,threeactions,monsieur!marry,oneofthem(I'llputyouincomfort)isbutthreethousand,andtheothertwo,somefivethousandpoundtogether:trifles,trifles.

Fast.O,Iamundone.

Mad.Nay,notaltogetherso,sir;theknightmusthavehishundredpoundrepaid,thatwillhelptoo;andthensixscorepoundsforadiamond,youknowwhere.Thesebethingswillweigh,monsieur,theywillweigh.

Fast.0heaven!

Mad.What!doyousigh?thisistokissthehandofacountess,tohavehercoachsentforyou,tohangponiardsinladies'garters,towearbraceletsof(heirhair,andforeveryoneofthesegreatfavourstogivesomeslightjeweloffivehundredcrowns,orso;why,'tisnothing.Now,monsieur,youseetheplaguethattreadsontheheelso'yourfoppery:well,goyourwaysin,

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removeyourselftothetwo-pennywardquickly,tosavecharges,andtheresetupyourresttospendsirPuntarvolo'shundredpoundforhim.Away,goodpomander,go![ExitFastidious.

Why,here'sachange!nowismysoulatpeace:

Iamasemptyofallenvynow,

Astheyofmerittobeenviedat.

Myhumour,likeaflame,nolongerlasts

Thanithathstufftofeedit;andtheirfolly

Beingnowrakedupintheirrepentantashes,

Affordsnoamplersubjecttomyspleen.

Iamsofarfrommalicingtheirstates,

ThatIbegintopitythem.Itgrievesme

Tothinktheyhaveabeing.Icouldwish

Theymightturnwiseuponit,andbesavednow,

Soheavenwerepleased;butletthemvanish,vapours!

Gentlemen,howlikeyouit?has'tnotbeentedious?

Cor.Nay,wehavedonecensuringnow.Mit.Yes,faith.

Mad.Howso?

Cor.Marry,becausewe'llimitateyouractors,andbeoutofourhumours.Besides,herearethoseroundaboutyouofmoreabilitj/incensurethanwe,whosejudgmentscangiveitamoresatisfyingallowance;we'llreferyou,tothem.[KxeuutCordatusandMitis.

Mad.[comingforward.]Ay,isitevenso?—Well,gentlemen,Ishouldhavegonein,andrctnrn'dtoyouasIwasAsperatthefirst;butbyreasontheshiftwouldhavebeensomewhatlong,andwearelothtodrawyourpatiencefarther,we'llentreatyoutoimagineit.Andnow,thatyoumayseeIwillbeoutofhumourforcompany,Istandwhollytoyourkindapprobation,andindeedamnothingsoperemptoryasIwasinthebeginning:marry,Iwillnot

doasPlautusinhisAmphytrio,forallthis,summiJoviscausaplaudite;begaplauditeforGod'ssake;butifyou,outofthebountyofyourgood-liking,willbestowit,why,youmayintimemakeleanMacilenteasfatassirJohnFalstaff.[Exit.

THEEPILOGUE

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ATTHE

PRESENTATIONBEFOREQUEENELIZABETH

BYMACILENTE.

Nevertillnowdidobjectgreetmineeyes

Withanylightcontent:butinhergraces

Allmymaliciouspowershavelosttheirstings.

Envyisfledfrommysoulatsightofher,

Andshehathchasedallblackthoughtsfrommybosom,

Likeasthesundothdarknessfromtheworld,

Mystreamofhumourisrunoutofme,

Andasourcity'storrent,bentt'infect

Thehallow'dbowelsofthesilverThames,

Ischeck'dbystrengthandclearnessoftheriver,

Tillithathspentitselfevenattheshore;

Sointheampleandunmeasuredflood

Ofherperfections,aremypassionsdrown'd;

AndIhavenowaspiritassweetandclear

Asthemorerarefiedandsubtleair:—

Withwhich,andwithaheartaspureasfire,

Yethumbleastheearth,doIimplore,[Kneels.

0heaven,thatShe,whosepresencehatheffected

Thischangeinme,maysuffermostlatechange

Inheradmiredandhappygovernment:

MaystillthisIslandbecall'dFortunate,

AndruggedTreasontrembleatthesound,

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WhenFameshallspeakitwithanemphasis.

Letforeignpolitybedullaslead,

AndpaleInvasioncomewithhalfaheart,

Whenhebutlooksuponherblessedsoil.

ThethroatofWarbestoptwithinherland,

Andturtle-footedPeacedancefairyrings

Abouthercourt;wherenevermaytherecome

Suspectordanger,butalltrustandsafety.

LetFlatterybedumb,andEnvyblind

Inherdreadpresence;Deathhimselfadmireher;

Andmayhervirtuesmakehimtoforget

Theuseofhisinevitablehand.

Flyfromher,Age;sleep,Time,beforeherthrone;

Ourstrongestwallfallsdown,whensheisgone.

CYNTHIA'SREVELS.OR,THEFOUNTAINOFSELF-LOVE

TOTHESPECIALFOUNTAINOFMANNERS

THECOURT

THOUartabountifulandbravespring,andwaterestallthenobleplantsofthisisland.Intheethewholekingdomdressethitself,andisambitioustousetheeasherglass.Bewarethenthourendermen'sfigurestruly,andteachthemnolesstohatetheirdeformities,thantolovetheirforms:for,tograce,thereshouldcomereverence;aridnomancancallthatlovely,whichisnotalsovenerable.Itisnotpowdering,perfuming,andeverydaysmellingofthetailor,thatconvertethtoabeautifulobject:butamindshiningthroughanysuit,whichneedsnofalselight,eitherofrichesorhonours,tohelpit.Suchshaltthoufindsomehere,eveninthereignofCynthia,—aCritesandanArete.Now,underthyPhoebus,itwillbethyprovincetomakemore;exceptthoudesiresttohavethysourcemixwiththespringofself-love,andsowiltdrawupontheeaswelcomeadiscoveryofthydays,aswasthenmadeofhernights.

Thyservant,butnotslave,BENJONSON.

DRAMATISPERSONS

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ECHO.

ARETE.

PHANTASTE.

ARGURION.

PHILAUTIA.

MORIA.

Cos.

GELAIA.

PHRONESIS.N

TliAVMA,[•MulCS.

TIME,j

CYNTHIA.

MERCURY.

HESPERUS.

CRITES.

AMORPHUS.

ASOTUS.

HEDON.

ANAIDES.

MORPHIDES

PROSAITES.

MORUS.

CUPID.

SCENE,—GARGAPHIEINDUCTION.

THESTAGE.

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Aftirthesecondsound'mn..EnterthreeoftheChildren,stru^ling.

1Child.Prayyouaway;why,fellows!Godsso,whatdoyoumean?

2Child.J/arry,thatyoushallnotspeaktheprologue,sir.

3Child.Why,doyouhopetospuikitf

2Child.Ay,andIthinkIhavemostrighttoit:IamsureIstudieditfirst.

3Child.That'sallone,iftheauthorthinkIcanspeakitbetter.

1Child./pleadpossessionofthecloak:gentles,yoursuffrages,Iprayyou.

[Within.]Why,children!areyounotashamed?comeinthere.

3Child.Slid,I'llplaynothingintheplay,unlessIspeakit.

1Child.Why,willyoustandtomostvoicesofthegentlemenfletthatdecideit.

3Child.0,no,sirgallant;youpresumetohavethestartofusthere,andthatmakesyouoffersoprodigally.

1Child.No,wouldIwereivhippedifIhadanysuchtJwught;tryitbylotseither.

2Child.Faith,Idaretemptmyfortuneinagreaterventurethanthis.

3Child.Wellsaid,resoluteJack/Iamcontenttoo,sowedrawfirst.Makethecuts.

1Child.ButwillyounotsnatchmycloakwhileIamstooping?3Child.No,wescorntreachery.

2Child.Whichcutshallspeakit?

3Child.Theshortest.

1Child.Agreed:draw.[Theydrawcuts.]TheshortestiscometothesJiortest.Fortunewasnotaltogetherblindinthis.Now,sir,IhopeIshallgoforwardwithoutyourenvy.

2Child.AspiteofallmischievousluckfIwasoncepluckingattheother.

3Child.Stay,Jack:'slid,PlldosomewhatnowaforeIgoin,thoughitbenothingbuttorevengemyselfontheauthor:sinceIspeaknothisprologue,Fllgotellalltheargumentofhisplayafore-hand,andsostalehisinventiontotheauditory,beforeitcomeforth.

1Child.0,donotso.

2Child.Bynomeans.

3Child.[AdvancingtothefrontoftheStage.]First,thetitleofhisplayisCynthia'sRevels,as

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anymanthathathhopetobesavedbyhisbookcanwitness;thesceneGargaphie,whichIdovehementlysuspectforsomefustiancountry;butletthatvanish.HereisthecourtofCynthia,whitherhebringsCupidtravellingonfoot,resolvedtoturnpage.BythewayCupidmeetswithMercury(astJmt'sathingtobenoted];takeanyofourplay-bookswithoutaCupidoraMercuryinit,andburnitforanhereticinpoetry.—[Intheseandthesubsequentspeeches,ateverybreak,theothertwointerrupt,andendeavourtostophim.]Praythee,letmealone.Mercury,heinthenatureofaconjuror,raisesupEcho,whoweepsoverherlove,ordaffodil,Narcissus,alittle;sings;cursesthespringwhereintheprettyfoolishgentlemanmeltedhimselfaway:andthere'sanendof

her.NowIamtoinformyou,thatCupidandMercurydoboth

becomepages.CupidattendsonPhilautia,orSelf-love,acourtlady:MercuryfollowsHedon,theVoluptuous,andacourtier;onethatrankshimselfevenwithAnaides,ortheImpudent,agallant,andthat's

mypart;onethatkeepsLaughter,Gelaia,thedaughterofFolly,a

wenchinboy'sattire,towaitonhim.These,inthecourt,meetwith

Amorphus,orthedeformed,atravellerthathathdrunkofthefountain,andtheretellstheivondersofthewater.Theypresentlydispatchawaytheirpageswithbottlestofetchofit,andthemselvesgotovisittheladies.ButIshouldhavetoldyou—Look,theseemmetsputmeouthere—thatwiththisAmorphus,therecomesalongacitizen'sheir.Asotus,ortheProdigal,who,inimitationofthetraveller,whohaththe

Mhetstonefollowinghim,entertainstheBeggar,tobehisattendant

Now,thenympJiswhoaremistressestothesegallants,arePhilautia,Self-love;Phantaste,alightWittiness;Argurion,Money;andtheirguardian,motherMoria,ormistressFolly.

1Child.Praythee,nomore.

3Child.ThereCupidstrikesMoneyinlovewiththeProdigal,makesherdoteuponhim,givehimjewels,bracelets,carcanets,etc.Allwhichhemostingeniouslydepartswithaltobemadeknowntotheotherladiesandgallants;andintheheatofthis,increaseshistrain

withtheFooltofollowhim,aswellastheBeggarBythistime,your

Beggarbeginstowaitclose,whoisreturnedwiththerestofhisfellow

bottlemen.Theretheyalldrink,saveArgurian,whoisfalleninto

asuddenapoplexy

1Child.Stophismouth.

3Child.Andthen,there'saretiredscholarthere,youwouldnotwishathingtobebettercontemnedofasocietyofgallants,thanitis;andheapplieshisservice,goodgentleman,to

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theladyArete,orVirtue,apoornymphofCynthia'strain,that'sscarceabletobuyherselfagown;youshallseeherplayinablackrobeanon:acreaturethat,Iassureyou,isnolessscorridthanhimself.WhereamInow?atastand!

2Child.Come,leaveatlast,yet.

3Child.O,thenightiscome('twassowe'fhatdark,methought],andCynthiaintendstocomeforth;thathdpsitalittleyet.Allthecourtiersmustprovideforrevels;theyconcludeuponamasque,the

deviceofwhichisWhat,willyouravishme?-thateachofthese

Vices,beingtoappearbeforeCynthia,wouldseemotherthanindeedtheyare;andthereforeassumethemostneighbouringVirtuesastheirmaskinghabitPdcryarape,butthatyouarechildren.

2Child.Come,we'llhavenomoreofthisanticipation;togivethemtheinventoryoftheircatesaforehand,werethedisciplineofatavern,andnotfittingthispresence.

1Child.Tut,thiswasbuttoshew?/,<?thehappinessofhismemory.Ithoughtatfirsthewouldhareplaidtheignorantcriticwitheverythingalongashehadgone;Iexpectedsomesuchdevice.

3Child.0,youshallseemedothatrarely;lendmethycloak.

1Child.Soft,sir,you'llspeakmyprtJr></>/finit.3Child.No,wouldImightneverstirtlt<n.

2Child.].•in]ithim,lendithim.

1Child.It'-//,I/I>H//tiresworn.[CJivoshimthoclonk.

3Child./have.Now,sir,supposeIamoneofyourgenteel

auditors,tliatamcomein,havingpaidmymoneyatthedoor,withmuchado,andhereItakemyplaceandsitdown:Ihavemythreesortsoftobaccoinmypocket,mylightbyme,andthusIbegin.[Atthebreakshetakeshistobacco.]Bythislight,Iwonderthatany

manissomad,tocometoseetheserascallytitsplayhereTheydo

actlikesomanywrensorpismiresnotthefifthpartofagoodface

amongstthemall.Andthentheirmusicisabominableableto

stretchaman'searsworsethantenpilloriesandtheirditties

mostlamentablethings,likethepitifulfellowsthatmakethempoets.

Bythisvapour,an"'twerenotfortobacco/thinkthevery

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stenchof'emwouldpoisonme,Ishouldnotdaretocomeinattheir

gatesAmanwerebettervisitfifteenjailsoradozenortwoof

hospitalsthanonceadventuretocomenearthem.Howis't?well?

1Child.Excellent;givememycloak.

3Child.Stay;youshallseemedoanothernow,butamoresober,orbetter-gatheredgallant;tJiatis,asitmaybethought,somefriend,orwell-wishertothehouse:andhereIenter.

1Child.What,uponthestagetoo?

2Child.Yes;andIstepforthlikeoneofthechildren,andaskyou.Wouldyouhaveastool,sir?

3Child.Astool,boy!

2Child.Ay,sir,ifyou'llgivemesixpenceFllfetchyouone.

3Child.Forwhat,Ipraythee?whatshallIdowithit?

2Child.0lord,sir!willyoubetrayyourignorancesomuch?whythroneyourselfinstateonthestage,asothergentlemenuse,sir.

3Child.Away,wag;what,would'stthoumakeanimplementofme?''Slid,theboytakesmeforapieceofperspective,Iholdmylife,orsomesilkcurtain,cometohangthestagehere!Sircrack,Iamnoneofyourfreshpictures,thatusetobeautifythedecayeddeadarrasinapublictheatre.

2Child.'Tisasign,sir,youputnotthatconfidenceinyourgoodclothes,andyourbetterface,thatagentlemanshoulddo,sir.ButIprayyou,sir,letmebeasuitortoyou,tJiatyouwillquitourstagethen,andtakeaplace;theplayisinstantlytobegin.

3Child.Mostwillingly,mygoodwag;butIwouldspeakwithyourautlior:whereishe?

2Child.Notthisway,Iassureyou,sir;wearenotsoofficiouslybefriendedbyhim,astohavehispresenceinthetiring-house,topromptusaloud,stampatthebook-holder,swearforourproperties,cursethepoortireman,railthemusicoutoftune,andsweatforeveryvenialtrespasswecommit,assomeauthorwould,ifhehadsuchfineenghlesaswe.Well,'tisbutourhardfortune!

3Child.Nay,crack,benotdisheartened.

2Child.NotI,sir;butifyoupleasetoconferwithourauthor,byattorney,youmay,sir;ourproperselfhere,standsforhim.

3Child.Troth,Ihavenosuchseriousaffairtonegotiatewithhim,butwhatmayverysafelybeturn'duponthytrust.ItisinthegeneralbehalfofthisfairsocietyherethatIamtospeak,

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atleastthemorejudiciouspartofit,whichseemsmuchdistastedwiththeimmodestand

obsceneunitingofmanyintheirplays.Besides,theycouldwi*hyourpoetswouldleavetobepromotersofothermen'sjests,andtoway-layallthestaleapothegms,oroldbookstheycanhearof,inprint,orotherwise,tofarcetheirsceneswithal.Thattheyicouldnotsopenuriouslygleanwitfromeverylaundressorhackney-man,orderivetinirbestgrace,withservileimitation,fromcommonstages,orobservationofthecompanytheyconversewith;asiftheirinventionlivedwhollyuponanotherman'strencher.A'jnin,thatfeedingtheirfriendswithnothingoftheirown,butwhat(heyhavetwiceorthricea«'ked,theyshouldnotwantonlygiveout,howsoontheyhaddrestit;norhowmanycoachescametocarryawaythebrokenmeat,besideshobby-horsesandfoot-clothnags.

2Child.So,sir,(hisisallthereformationyonseek?

3Child.Itis;donotyouthinkitnecessarytobepractised,mylittlewag?

2Child.Yes,whereanysuchill-habitfdcustomisreceived.

3Child.0(Ihadalmostforgotittoo],theysay,theumbra?orghostsofsomethreeorfourplaysdepartedadozenyearssince,havebeenseenwalkingonyourstagehere;takeheed,boy,ifyourhousebehauntedwithsuchhobgoblins,'twillfrightawayallyourspectatorsquickly.

2Child.Good,sir;butichatwillyousaynow,ifapoet,untouchedwithanybreathofthisdisease,findthetokensuponyou,thatareoftheauditory?Assomeonecivet-witamongyou,thatknowsnootherlearning,thanthepriceofsatinandvelvets:norotherperfectionthanthewearingofaneatsuit;andyetwillcensureasdesperatelyasthemostprofessedcriticinthehouse,presuminghisclothesshouldbearhimoutinit.Another,whomithathpleasednaturetofurnishwithmorebeardthanbrain,pruneshismustaccio,lisps,and,withsomescoreofaffectedoaths,swearsdownallthatsitabouthim;"Thatth<oldHieronimo,asitwasfirstacted,wastheonlybest,andjudiciouslypenn'dplayofEurope."Athirdgreat-belliedjugglertalksoftwentyyearssince,andwhenMonsieurwashere,andwouldenforceallwit*tobeofthatfashion,becausehisdoubletisstillso.Afourthmiscallsallbythenameoffustian,thathisground'/!rapacitycannotaspireto.Afifthonlyshakeshisbottlehead,andoutofhiscorkybrainsqueezethoutapitifullearnedface,andissilent.

3Child.Bymyfaith,Jack,youhaveputmedoivn:IwouldIknewhowtogetoffwithanyindifferentgracefhere,takeyourcloak,andpromisesomesatisfactioninyourprologue,or,I'llbeswornwehavemarr'dall.

2Child.Tut,fearnot,child,(hisit-illneverdistasteatruesense:benotout,andgoodenough.Iwouldthouhudstsomesugarcandiedtosweetenthymouth.

TheThirdSounding.

PROLOGUE.

Ifgracioussilence,sweetattention,

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Quicksight,andquickerapprehension,

Thelightsofjudgment'sthrone,shineanywhere,

Ourdoubtfulauthorhopesthisistheirsphere;

Andthereforeopenshehimselftothose,

Tootherweakerbeamshislaboursclose,

Aslothtoprostitutetheirvirgin-strain,

Toeveryvulgarandadulteratebrain.

Inthisalone,hisMusehersweetnesshath,

Sheshunstheprintofanybeatenpath;

Andprovesnewwaystocometolearnedears:

Piedignorancesheneitherlovesnorfears.

Norhuntssheafterpopularapplause,

Orfoamypraise,thatdropsfromcommonjaws:

Thegarlandthatshewears,theirhandsmusttwine,

Whocanbothcensure,understand,define

Whatmeritis:thencastthosepiercingrays,

Roundasacrown,insteadofhonouredbays,

Abouthispoesy;which,heknows,affords

Words,aboveaction;mailer,above,words.

ACTI

SCENEI.—AGroveandFountain,EnterCTJPID,andMERCURYwithhiscaduceus,ondifferentsides.

Cup.Whogoesthere?

Her.'TisI,blindarcher.

Cup.Who,Mercury?

Mer.Ay.

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Cup.Farewell.

Mer.Stay,Cupid.

Cup.Notinyourcompany,Hermes,exceptyourhandswererivetedatyourback.

Mer.Whyso,mylittlerover?

Cup.BecauseIknowyouhavenotafinger,butisaslongasmyquiver,cousinMercury,whenyoupleasetoextendit.

Mer.Whencederiveyouthisspeech,boy?

Cup.O!'tisyourbestpolitytobeignorant.YoudidneverstealMarshisswordoutofthesheath,you!norNeptune'strident!norApollo'sbow!no,notyou!Alas,yourpalms,Jupiterknows,theyareastenderasthefootofafounderednag,oralady'sfacenewmercuried,they'lltouchnothing.

Mer.Goto,infant,you'llbedaringstill.

Cup.Daring!0Janus!whatawordisthere?why,mylightfeather-heel'dcoz,whatareyouanymorethanmyuncleJove'spander?alacqueythatrunsonerrandsforhim,andcanwhisperalightmessagetoaloosewenchwithsomeroundvolubility?waitmannerlyatatablewithatrencher,warbleuponacrowdalittle,andfilloutnectarwhenGanymede'saway?onethatsweepsthegods'drinking-roomeverymorning,andsetsthecushionsinorderagain,whichtheythrewoneatanother'sheadovernight;canbrushthecarpets,callthestoolsagaintotheirplaces,playthecrierofthecourtwithanaudiblevoice,andtakestateofapresidentuponyouatwrestlings,pleadings,negociations,etc.Here'sthecatalogueofyouremployments,now!0,no,Ierr;youhavethemarshallingofalltheghoststoothatpasstheStygianferry,andIsuspectyouforasharewiththeoldscullerthere,ifthetruthwereknown;butletthatscape.Oneotherpeculiarvirtueyoupossess,inlifting,orleiger-du-main,whichfewofthehouseofheavenhaveelsebesides,Imustconfess.But,methinks,thatshouldnotmakeyouputthatextremedistance'twixtyourselfandothers,thatweshouldbesaidto"over-dare"inspeakingtoyournimbledeity.SoHerculesmightchallengepriorityofusboth,becausehecanthrowthebarfarther,orliftmorejoin'dstoolsatthearm'send,thanwe.Ifthismightcarryit,thenwe,whohavemadethewholebodyofdivinitytrembleatthetwangofourbow,andenforc'dSaturniushimselftolaybyhiscurledfront,thunder,andthree-fork'dfires,andputonamaskingsuit,toolightforarevellerofeighteentobeseenin

Mer.Hownow!mydancingbraggartindecimosexto!charmyourskippingtongue,orI'll

Cup.What!usethevirtueofyoursnakytip-staffthereuponus?

Mer.No,boy,butthesmartvigourofmypalmaboutyourears.YouhaveforgotsinceItookyourheelsupintoair,ontheveryhourIwasborn,insightofallthebenchofdeities,whenthesilverroofoftheOlympianpalacerungagainwithapplauseofthefact.

Cup.Ono,Irememberitfreshly,andbyaparticularinstance;formymotherVenus,atthe

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sametime,butstoop'dtoembraceyou,and,tospeakbymetaphor,youborrow'dagirdleofher's,asyoudidJove'ssceptrewhilehewaslaughing;andwouldhavedonehisthundertoo,butthat'twastoohotforyouritchingfingers.

Mer.'Tiswell,sir.

Cup.Iheard,youbutlook'dinatVulcan'sforgetheotherday,andentreatedapairofhisnewtongsalongwithyouforcompany:'tisjoyonyou,i'faith,thatyouwillkeepyourhook'dtalonsinpracticewithanything.'Slight,nowyouareonearth,weshallhaveyoufilchspoonsandcandlesticksratherthanfail:prayJovetheperfum'dcourtierskeeptheircasting-bottles,pick-tooths,andshittle-cocksfromyou,orourmoreordinarygallantstheirtobacco-boxes;forIamstrangelyjealousofyournails.

Mer.Nevertrustme,Cupid,butyouareturn'damostacutegallantoflate!theedgeofmywitiscleantakenoffwiththefine

andsubtilestrokeofyourthin-groundtongue;youfightwithto;>poignantaphrase,formetodealwith.

Cup.0Hermes,yourcraftcannotmakemeconfident.Iknowmyownsteeltobealmostspent,andthereforeentreatmypeacewithyou,intime:youaretoocunningformetoencounteratlength,andIthinkitmysafestwardtoclose.

Her.Well,foronce,I'llsufferyoutowinuponme,wag;butusenotthesestrainstoooften,they'llstretchmypatience.Whithermightyoumarch,now?

Cup.Faith,torecoverthygoodthoughts,I'lldiscovermywholeproject.Thehuntressandqueenofthesegroves,Diana,inregardofsomeblackandenviousslandershourlybreathedagainsther,forherdivinejusticeonActeon,asshepretends,hathhereinthevaleofGargaphie,proclaim'dasolemnrevels,which(hergodheadputoff)shewilldescendtograce,withthefullandroyalexpenseofoneofherclearestmoons:inwhichtimeitshallbelawfulforallsortsofingeniouspersonstovisitherpalace,tocourthernymphs,toexerciseallvarietyofgenerousandnoblepastimes;aswelltointimatehowfarshetreadssuchmaliciousimputationsbeneathher,asalsotoshewhowclearherbeautiesarefromtheleastwrinkleofausteritytheymaybechargedwith.

Mer.But,whatisallthistoCupid?

Cup.HeredoImeantoputoffthetitleofagod,andtakethehabitofapage,inwhichdisguise,duringtheinterimoftheserevels,IwillgettofollowsomeoneofDiana'smaids,where,ifmybowhold,andmyshaftsflybutwithhalfthewillingnessandaimtheyaredirected,IdoubtnotbutIshallreallyredeemtheminutesIhavelost,bytheirsolongandoverniceproscriptionofmydeityfromtheircourt.

Mer.Pursueit,divineCupid,itwillberare.

Cup.ButwillHermessecondme?

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Mer.IamnowtoputinactanespecialdesignmentfrommyfatherJove;but,thatperforrn'd,Iamforanyfreshactionthatoffersitself.

Cup.Well,thenwepart.[Exit.

Mer.Farewell,goodwag.Nowtomycharge.—Echo,fairEcho,speak,'TisMercurythatcallsthee;sorrowfulnymph,Salutemewiththyrepercussivevoice,ThatImayknowwhatcavernoftheearthContainsthyairyspirit,how,orwhereImaydirectmyspeech,thatthoumay'sthear.

Echo,[beloiv.]Here.

Mer.Sonigh!

Echo.Ay.

Mer.Know,gentlesoul,then,IamsentfromJove,Who,pityingthesadburthenofthywoes,Stillgrowingonthee,inthywantofwordsToventthypassionforNarcissus'death,

Commands,thatnow,afterthreethousandyears,WhichhavebeenexercisedinJuno'sspite,Thoutakeacorporalfigureandascend,Enrich'dwithvocalandarticulatepower.Makehaste,sadnymph,thriceshallmywingedrodStriketheobsequiousearth,togivetheeway.Arise,andspeakthysorrows,Echo,rise,Here,bythisfountain,wherethylovedidpine,Whosememorylivesfreshtovulgarfame,Shrinedinthisyellowflower,thatbearshisname.

Echo,[ascends.]Hisnamerevives,andliftsnieupfromearth,O,whichwayshallIfirstconvertmyself,OrinwhatmoodshallIessaytospeak,That,inamoment,Imaybedeliver'dOftheprodigiousgriefIgowithal?See,see,themourningfount,whosespringsweepyetTh'untimelyfateofthattoobeauteousboy,Thattrophyofself-love,andspoilofnature,Who,nowtransform'dintothisdroopingflower,Hangstherepentanthead,backfromthestream,Asifitwish'd,WouldIhadneverlook'dInsuchaflatteringmirror!0Narcissus,Thouthatwastonce,andyetart,myNarcissus,HadEchobutbeenprivatewiththythoughts,Shewouldhavedroptawayherselfintears,Tillshehadallturn'dwater;thatinher,Asinatruerglass,thoumight'sthavegazedAndseenthybeautiesbymorekindreflection,Butself-loveneveryetcouldlookontruthButwithblear'dbeams;slickflatteryandsheAretwin-bornsisters,andsomixtheireyes,Asifyouseverone,theotherdies.Whydidthegodsgivetheeaheavenlyform,Andearthlythoughtstomaketheeproudofit?WhydoIask?'TisnowtheknowndiseaseThatbeautyhath,tobeartoodeepasenseOfherownself-conceivedexcellence.O,hadstthouknowntheworthofheaven'srichgift,Thouwouldsthaveturn'dittoatrueruse,Andnotwithstarv'dandcovetousignorance,Pinedincontinualeyeingthatbrightgem,Theglancewhereoftoothershadbeenmore,Thantothyfamish'dmindthewideworld'sstor^:Sowretchedisittobemerelyrich!Witnessthyyouth'sdearsweetsherespentuntasted,Likeafairtaper,withhisownflamewasted.

Mer.Echo,bebrief,Saturniaisabroad,Andifshehear,she'llstormatJove'shiirhwill.

Echo.Iwill,kindMercury,bebriefastime.

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Vouchsafeme,Imaydohimtheselastrites,

Butkisshisflower,andsingsomemourningstrain

Overhiswat'rvhearse.

M

Mer.Thoudostobtain;IwerenosontoJove,shouldIdenythee,Begin,andmoretogracethycunningvoice,ThehumorousairshallmixhersolemntunesWiththysadwords:strike,music,fromthespheres,Andwithyourgoldenrapturesswellourears.

ECHO{accompanied}.

Slow,slow,freshfount,keeptimewithmysalttears

Yet,slower,yet;0faintly,gentlesprings:Listtotheheavypartthemusicbears,

Woeweepsoutherdivision,whenshesings.Droopherbsandflowers,Fallgriefandshowers,Ourbeautiesarenotours;

0,Icouldstill,Likemeltingsnowuponsomecraggyhill,

Drop,drop,drop,drop,Sincenature'sprideisnowawithereddaffodil.—

Mer.Xow,haveyoudone?

Echo.Donepresently,goodHermes:bidealittle;Suffermythirstyeyetogazeawhile,Bute'entotastetheplace,andIamvanish'd.

Mer.Foregothyuseandlibertyoftongue,Andthoumaystdwellonearth,andsporttheethere.

Echo.HereyoungActeonfell,pursuedandtornByCynthia'swrath,moreeagerthanhishounds;Andhere—ahme,theplaceisfatal!—seeTheweepingXiobe,translatedhitherFromPhrygianmountains;andbyPhoeberear'd,Astheproudtrophyofhersharprevenge.

Mer.Kay,buthear—

Echo.Buthere,Ohere,thefountainofself-love,InwhichLatona,andhercarelessnymphs,Regardlessofmysorrows,bathethemselvesInhourlypleasures.

Mer.Stintthybabblingtongue!FondEcho,thouprofan'stthegraceisdonethee.Soidleworldlingsmerelymadeofvoice,Censurethepowersabovethem.Come,away,Jovecallstheehence;andhiswillbrooksnostay.

Echo.O,stay:IhavebutonepoorthoughttoclotheInairygarments,andthen,faith,Igo.Henceforth,thoutreacherousandmurderingspring,Beevercall'dtheFOU^TALN~OFSELF-LOVE:

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Andwiththywaterletthiscurseremain,Asaninseparateplague,thatwhobuttasteAdropthereof,may,withtheinstanttouch,Growdotinglyenamour'donthemselves.Now,Hermes,Ihavefinish'd.

Mer.Thenthyspeech

Musthereforsakethee,Echo,andthyvoice,Asitwaswont,reboundbutthelastwords.Farewell.

Echo,[retiring.]Well.

Mer.Xow,Cupid,Iamforyou,andyourmi^th,TomakemelightbeforeIleavetheearth.

o

EnterAMORPHTS,hastily.

Amo.Dearsparkofbeauty,makenotsofastaway.

Echo.Away.

Mer.Stay,letmeobservethisportentyet.

Amo.IamneitheryourMinotaur,noryourCentaur,noryoursatyr,noryourhyaena,noryourbabion,butyourmeretraveller,believeme.

Echo.Leaveme.

Mer.Iguess'ditshouldbesometravellingmotionpursuedEchoso.

Amo.Knowyoufromwhomyouflytorwhence?

Echo.Hence.[Exit.

Amo.Thisissomewhatabovestrange:Anymphofherfeatureandlineament,tobesopreposterouslyrude!well,Iwillbutcoolmyselfatyonspring,andfollowher.

Mer.Xay,then,Iamfamiliarwiththeissue:I'llleaveyoutoo.

[Exit.

Amor.Iamarhinoceros,ifIhadthoughtacreatureofhersymmetrycouldhavedaredsoimproportionableandabruptadigression.—Liberalanddivinefount,suffermyprofanehandtotakeofthybounties.[Takesupsomeofthewater.']Bythepurityofmytaste,hereismostambrosiacwater;Iwillsupofitagain.Bythyfavour,sweetfount.See,thewater,amorerunning,subtile,andhumorousnymphthanshe,permitsmetotouch,andhandleher.WhatshouldIinfer?ifmybehaviourshadbeenofacheaporcustomarygarb;myaccentorphrasevulgar;mygarmentstrite;mycountenanceilliterate,orunpractisedintheencounterofabeautifulandbraveattiredpiece;thenImii'lit,withsomechangeofcolour,havesuspected

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myfaculties:But,knowingmy.-rIfanessencesosublimatedandrefinedbytravel;ofsostudiedandwellexercisedagesture;soaloneinfashion;abletorenderthefaceofanystatesmanliving;andtospeakthemereextractionoflanguage,onethathathnowmadethesixthreturnuponventure;andwasyourfirstthateverenrich'dhiscountrywiththetrueIoftheduello;whoseopticshavedrunkthespiritofbeautyinsomeeightscoreandeighteenprince'scourts,whereIhaveresided,and

beentherefortunateintheamoursofthreehundredandfortyandfiveladies,allnobly,ifnotprincelydescended;whosenamesIhaveincatalogue:Toconclude,inallsohappy,asevenadmirationherselfdothseemtofastenherkissesuponme:—certes,Idoneithersee,norfeel,nortaste,norsavourtheleaststeamorfumeofareason,thatshouldinvitethisfoolish,fastidiousnymph,sopeevishlytoabandonme.Well,letthememoryofherfleetintoair;mythoughtsandIamforthisotherelement,water.

EnterCRITESandASOTUS.

Cri.What,thewelldietedAmorphusbecomeawaterdrinker!Iseehemeansnottowriteversesthen.

Aso.No,Crites!why?

Cri.Because

Nullaplacerediu,neeviverecarminapossunt,Qucescribunturaqucepotoribus.

Amo.WhatsayyoutoyourHelicon?

Cri.0,theMuses'well!that'severexcepted.

Amo.Sir,yourMuseshavenosuchwater,Iassureyou;yournectar,orthejuiceofyournepenthe,isnothingtoit;'tisaboveyourmetheglin,believeit.

Aso.Metheglin;what'sthat,sir?mayIbesoaudacioustodemand?

Amo.AkindofGreekwineIhavemetwith,sir,inmytravels;itisthesamethatDemosthenesusuallydrunk,inthecomposureofallhisexquisiteandmellifluousorations.

Cri.That'stobeargued,Amorphus,ifwemaycreditLucian,who,inhisEncomiaDemosthenis,affirms,heneverdrunkbutwaterinanyofhiscompositions.

Amo.Lucianisabsurd,heknewnothing:IwillbelievemineowntravelsbeforealltheLuciansofEurope.Hedothfeedyouwithfittons,figments,andleasings.

Cri.Indeed,Ithink,nextatraveller,hedoesprettilywell.

Amo.Iassureyouitwaswine,Ihavetastedit,andfromthehandofanItalianantiquary,whoderivesitauthenticallyfromthedukeofFerrara'sbottles.Hownameyouthegentlemanyouareinranktherewith,sir?

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Cri.'TisAsotus,sontothelatedeceasedPhilargyrus,thecitizen.

Amo.Washisfatherofanyeminentplaceormeans?

Cri.Hewastohavebeenpreetornextyear.

Amo.Ha!aprettyformalyounggallant,ingoodsooth;pityheisnotmoregenteellypropagated.Harkyou,Crites,youmaysaytohimwhatIam,ifyouplease;thoughIaffectnotpopularity,yetIwouldlothtostandouttoany,whomyoushallvouchsafetocallfriend.

Cri.Sir,IfearImaydowrongtoyoursufficienciesinthereportingthem,byforgettingormisplacingsomeone:yourselfcanbestinformhimofyourself,sir;exceptyouhadsomecatalogueorlist

ofyourfacultiesreadydrawn,whichyouwouldrequestmetoshowhimforyou,andhimtotakenoticeof.

Amo.TliisCritesissour:[Aside.]—Iwillthink,sir.

Cri.Doso,sir.—0heaven!thatanytliinginthelikenessofmanshouldsuffertheserack'dextremities,fortheutteringofhissophisticategoodparts.[Aside.

Aso.Crites,Ihaveasuittoyou;butyoumustnotdenyme;prayyoumakethisgentlemanandIfriends.

Cri.Friends!why,isthereanydifferencebetweenyou?

Aso.No;Imeanacquaintance,toknowoneanother.

Cri.0,nowIapprehendyou;yourphrasewaswithoutmebefore.

Aso.Ingoodfaith,he'samostexcellentrareman,Iwarranthim.

Cri.'Slight,theyaremutuallyenamour'dbythistime.[Aside.

Aso.Willyou,sweetCrites?

Cri.Yes,yes.

Aso.Nay,butwhen?you'lldeferitnow,andforgetit.

Cri.Why,isitathingofsuchpresentnecessity,thatitrequiressoviolentadispatch!

Aso.No,butwouldImightneverstir,he'samostravishingman!GoodCrites,youshallendearmetoyou,ingoodfaith;la!

Cri.Well,yourlongingshallbesatisfied,sir.

Aso.Andwithal,youmaytellhimwhatmyfatherwas,andhowwellheleftme,andthatIam

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hisheir.

Cri.Leaveittome,I'llforgetnoneofyourdeargraces,Iwarrantyou.

Aso.Nay,IknowyoucanbettermarshaltheseaffairsthanI

canOgods!I'dgivealltheworld,ifIhadit,forabundanceof

suchacquaintance.

Cri.WhatridiculouscircumstancemightIdevisenowtobestowthisreciprocalbraceofbutterfliesoneuponanother?[Aside.

Amo.SinceItrodonthissidetheAlps,Iwasnotsofrozeninmyinvention.Letmesee:toaccosthimwithsomechoiceremnantofSpanish,orItalian!thatwouldindifferentlyexpressmylanguagesnow:marry,then,ifheshallfallouttobeignorant,itwerebothhardandharsh.Howelse?stepintosomeragionidel.stato,andsomakemyinduction!thatwereabovehimtoo;andoutofhiselement,Ifear.FeigntohaveseenhiminVeniceorPadua!orsomefacenearhisinsimilitude!'tistoopointedand

open.No,itmustbeamorequaintandcollateraldevice,as

stay:toframesomeencomiasticspeechuponthisourmetropolis,orthewisemagistratesthereof,inwhichpoliticnumber,'tisoddsbuthisfatherfill'duparoom?descendintoaparticularadmirationoftheirjustice,fortheduemeasuringofcoals,burningofcans,andsuchlike?asalsotheirreligion,inpullingdownasuperstitiouscross,andadvancingaVenus,orIViapus,inplaceofit?ha!'twilldowell.Ortotalkofsomehospital,whosewallsrecordhisfatherabenefactor?orofsomanybucketsbestow'donhisparishchurchinhislifetime,withhisnameatlength,forwantofarms,tricktupon

them?anyofthese.Ortopraisethecleannessofthestreetwhereinhedwelt?ortheprovidentpaintingofhisposts,againstheshouldhavebeenpraetor?or,leavinghisparent,cometosomespecialornamentabouthimself,ashisrapier,orsomeotherofhisaccoutrements?Ihaveit:thanks,graciousMinerva!

Aso.WouldIhadbutoncespoketohim,andthenHecomes

tome!

Amo.'Tisamostcuriousandneatlywroughtbandthissame,asIhaveseen,sir.

Aso.0lord,sir!

Amo.Youforgivethehumourofmineeye,inobservingit.

Cri.Hiseyewatersafterit,itseems.[Aside.

Aso.Olord,sir!thereneedsnosuchapology,Iassureyou.

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Cri.Iamanticipated;they'llmakeasolemndeedofgiftofthemselves,youshallsee.[Aside.

Amo.Yourribandtoodoesmostgracefullyintroth.

Aso.'Tisthemostgenteelandreceivedwearnow,sir.

Amo.Believeme,sir,Ispeakitnottohumouryou—Ihavenotseenayounggentleman,generally,putonhisclotheswithmorejudgment.

Aso.O,'tisyourpleasuretosayso,sir.

Amo.No,asIamvirtuous,beingaltogetheruntravell'd,itstrikesmeintowonder.

Aso.Idopurposetotravel,sir,atspring.

Amo.IthinkIshallaffectyou,sir.Thislastspeechofyourshathbeguntomakeyoudeartome.

Aso.0lord,sir!Iwouldtherewereanythinginme,sir,thatmightappearworthytheleastworthinessofyourworth,sir.Iprotest,sir,Ishouldendeavourtoshewit,sir,withmorethancommonregard,sir.

Cri.0,here'sraremotley,sir.[Aside.

Amo.Bothyourdesert,andyourendeavoursareplentiful,suspectthemnot:butyoursweetdispositiontotravel,Iassureyou,hathmadeyouanothermyselfinmineeye,andstruckmeenamour'donyourbeauties.

Aso.IwouldIwerethefairestladyofFranceforyoursake,sir!andyetIwouldtraveltoo.

Amo.O,youshoulddigressfromyourselfelse:for,believeit,yourtravelisyouronlythingthatrectifies,or,astheItaliansays,virendiprontoairattioni,makesyoufitforaction.

Aso.Ithinkitbegreatchargethough,sir.

Amo.Charge!why'tisnothingforagentlemanthatgoesprivate,asyourself,orso;myintelligenceshallquitmychargeatalltime.Goodfaith,thishathathpossestmineeyeexceedingly;'tissoprettyandfantastic:what!isitabeaver?

Aso.Ay,sir,I'llassureyou'tisabeaver,itcostmeeightcrownsbutthismorning.

Amo.AfteryourFrenchaccount?

Aso.Yes,sir.

Cri.Andsonearhishead!beshrewme,dangerous.[Aside.

Amo.Averyprettyfashion,believeme,andamostnovelkindoftrim:yourbandisconceitedtoo!

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Aso.Sir,itisallatyourservice.

Amo.0,pardonme.

.450.Ibeseechyou,sir,ifyoupleasetowearit,youshalldomeamostinfinitegrace.

Cri.'Slight,willhebeprais'doutofhisclothes?

Aso.Byheaven,sir,IdonotofferityouaftertheItalianmanner;Iwouldyoushouldconceivesoofme.

Amo.Sir,Ishallfeartoappearrudeindenyingyourcourtesies,especiallybeinginvitedbysoproperadistinction:MayIprayyourname,sir?

^4«so.MynameisAsotus,sir.

Amo.Itakeyourlove,gentleAsotus;bntletmewinyoutoreceivethis,inexchange—[Theyexchangebeavers.

Cri.Heart!they'llchangedoubletsanon.[Aside.

Amo.And,fromthistimeesteemyourselfinthefirstrankofthosefewwhomIprofesstolove.Whatmakeyouincompanyofthisscholarhere?Iwillbringyouknowntogallants,asAnaidesoftheordinary,Hedonthecourtier,andothers,whosesocietyshallrenderyougracedandrespected:thisisatrivialfellow,toomean,toocheap,toocoarseforyoutoconversewith.

Aso.'Slid,thisisnotworthacrown,andminecostmeeightbutthismorning.

Cri.Ilookedwhenhewouldrepenthim,hehasbeguntobesadagoodwhile.

Amo.Sir,shallIsaytoyouforthathat?Benotsosad,benotsosad:ItisarelicIcouldnotsoeasilyhavedepartedwith,butasthehieroglyphicofmyaffection;youshallalterittowhatformyouplease,itwilltakeanyblock;Ihavereceiveditvariedonrecordtothethreethousandthtime,andnotsofew:Ithaththesevirtuesbeside:yourheadshallnotacheunderit,noryourbrainleaveyou,withoutlicense;itwillpreserveyourcomplexiontoeternity;fornobeamofthesun,shouldyouwearitunderzonatorrida,hathpowertoapproachitbytwoells.Itisproofagainstthunder,andenchantment;andwasgivenmebyagreatmaninRussia,asanespecialprizedpresent;andconstantlyaffirm'dtobethehatthataccompaniedthepoliticUlyssesinhistediousandtenyears'travels.

Aso.ByJove,Iwillnotdepartwithal,whosoeverwouldgivemeamillion.

EnterCosandPROSAITES.

Cos.Saveyou,sweetbloods!doesanyofyouwantacreature,oradependent?

Cri.Beshrewme,afinebluntslave!

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Amo.Apageofgoodtimber!itwillnowbemygracetoentrrt.u'nhimfirst,thoughIcashierhimagaininprivate.—Howartthoucall'd?

Cos.Cos,sir,Cos.

Cri.Cos!howhappilyhathfortunefurnish'dhimwithawhetstone?

Amo.Idoentertainyou,Cos;concealyourqualitytillwebeprivate;ifyourpartsbeworthyofme,Iwillcountenanceyou;ifnot,catechiseyou.—Gentles,shallwego?

Aso.Stay,sir:I'llbutentertainthisotherfellow,andthen

Ihaveagreathumourtotasteofthiswatertoo,butI'llcomeagainaloneforthatmarktheplace.—What'syourname,youth?

Pros.Prosaites,sir.

Aso.Prosaites!averyfinename;Crites,isitnot?

Cri.Yes,andaveryancientone,sir,theBeggar.

Aso.Followme,goodProsaites;let'stalk.[ExeuntallbutCrites.

Cri.Hewillrankevenwithyou,ere'tbelong,Ifyouholdonyourcourse.O,vanity,Howarethypaintedbeautiesdotedon,Bylightandemptyidiots!howpursuedWithopenandextendedappetite!Howtheydosweat,andrunthemselvesfrombreath,Raisedontheirtoes,tocatchthyairyforms,Stillturninggiddy,tilltheyreellikedrunkards,ThatbuythemerrymadnessofonehourWiththelongirksomenessoffollowingtime!O,howdespisedandbaseathingisman,Ifhenotstrivet'erecthisgrovellingthoughtsAbovethestrainofflesh!buthowmorecheap,When,ev'nhisbestandunderstandingpart,Thecrownandstrengthofallhisfaculties,Floats,likeadeaddrown'dbody,onthestreamOfvulgarhumour,mixtwithcommon'stdregs!Isufferfortheirguiltnow,andmysoul,Likeonethatlooksonill-affectedeyes,Ishurtwithmereintentionontheirfollies.WhywillIviewthemthen,mysensemightaskme?Oris'tararity,orsomenewobject,Thatstrainsmystrictobservancetothispoint?O,woulditwere!thereinIcouldaffordMyspiritshoulddrawalittleneartotheirs,Togazeonnovelties;sovicewereone.Tut,sheisstale,rank,foul;andwereitnotThatthosethatwoohergreetherwithlock'deyes,Inspightofallth'impostures,paintings,drugs,Whichherbawd,Custom,dawbshercheekswithal,Shewouldbetrayherloth'dandleprousface,Andfrighttheenamour'ddotardsfromthemselves:Butsuchistheperversenessofournature,Thatifweoncebutfancylevity,Howanticandridiculoussoe'erItsuitwithus,yetwillourmuffledthought

Chooserathernottoseeit,thanavoidit:Andifwecanbutbanishourownsense,Weactourmimictrickswiththatfreelicense,Thatlust,thatpleasure,thatsecurity,Asifwepractisedinapaste-boardcase,Andnoonesawthemotion,butthemotion.Well,checkthypassion,lestitgrowtooloud:Whilefoolsarepitied,theywaxfatandproud.

ACTII

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SCENEI.—TheCourt.EnterCUTLDandMERCURY,disguisedasPages.

Cup.Why,thiswasmostunexpectedlyfollowed,mydivinedelicateMercury;bythebeardofJove,thouartapreciousdeity.

Mer.Nay,Cupid,leavetospeakimproperly;sinceweareturn'dcracks,let'sstudytobelikecracks;practisetheirlanguageandbehaviours,andnotwithadeadimitation:Actfreely,carelessly,andcapriciously,asifourveinsranwithquicksilver,andnotutteraphrase,butwhatshallcomeforthsteep'dintheverybrineofconceit,andsparklelikesaltinfire.

Cup.That'snoteveryone'shappiness,Hermes:Thoughyoucanpresumeupontheeasinessanddexterityofyourwit,youshallgivemeleavetobealittlejealousofmine;andnotdesperatelytohazarditafteryourcaperinghumour.

Mer.Nay,then,Cupid,Ithinkwemusthaveyouhood-wink'dagain;foryouaregrowntooprovidentsinceyoureyeswereatliberty.

Cup.Notso,Mercury,IamstillblindCupidtothee.

Mer.Andwhattotheladynymphyouserve?

Cup.Troth,page,boy,andsirrah:theseareallmytitles.

Mer.Thenthouhastnotalteredthyname,withthydisguise?

Cup.O,no,thathadbeensupererogation;youshallneverhearyourcourtiercallbutbyoneofthesethree.

Mer.Faith,thenbothourfortunesarethesame.

Cup.Why,whatparcelofmanhastthoulightedonforamaster?

Mer.Suchaoneas,beforeIbegintodecipherhim,Idarenotaffirmtobeanythinglessthanacourtier.Somuchheisduringthisopentimeofrevels,andwouldbelonger,butthathismeansaretoleavehimshortlyafter.HisnameisHedon,agallantwhollyconsecratedtohispleasures.

Cup.Hedon!heusesmii''ht<>mylady'schamber,Ithink.

Mer.Howisshecall'd,andthenIcanshewthee?

Cup..MadamPhilautii.

Mer.0ay,heaffectsherveryparticularlyindrrd.Thosean?hisgraces.Hedoth(Ix-sidrsme)krrpabarberandamonkey;liehasarichwroughtwaistcoattoentertainhisvisitantsin,witha

capalmostsuitable.Hiscurtainsandbeddingarethoughttobehisown;hisbathing-tubisnotsuspected.Helovestohaveafencer,apedant,andamusicianseeninhislodginga-

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mornings.

Cup.Andnotapoet?

Mer.Fie,no:himselfisarhymer,andthat'sthoughtbetterthanapoet.Heisnotlightlywithintohismercer,no,thoughhecomewhenhetakesphysic,whichiscommonlyafterhisplay.Hebeatsatailorverywell,butastocking-selleradmirably:andsoconsequentlyanyoneheowesmoneyto,thatdaresnotresisthim.Henevermakesgeneralinvitement,butagainstthepublishingofanewsuit;marry,thenyoushallhavemoredrawntohislodging,thancometothelaunchingofsomethreeships;especiallyifhebefurnish'dwithsuppliesfortheretiringofhisoldwardrobefrompawn:ifnot,hedoeshireastockofapparel,andsomefortyorfiftypoundingold,forthatforenoon,toshew.Heisthoughtaverynecessaryperfumeforthepresence,andforthatonlycausewelcomethither:sixmilliners'shopsaffordyounotthelikescent.Hecourtsladieswithhowmanygreathorsehehathridthatmorning,orhowofthehathdonethewhole,orhalfthepomrnadoinaseven-nightbefore:andsometimeventuressofaruponthevirtueofhispomander,thathedarestell'emhowmanyshirtshehassweatattennisthatweek;butwiselyconcealssomanydozenofballsheisonthescore.Herehecames,thatisallthis.

EnterHEDON,ANAIDES,andGELAIA.

Hed.Boy!

Mer.Sir.

Hed.Areanyoftheladiesinthepresence?

Mer.Noneyet,sir.

Hed.Givemesomegold,—more.

Ana.Isthatthyboy,Hedon?

Hed.Ay,whatthink'stthouofhim?

Ana.I'dgeldhim;Iwarranthehasthephilosopher'sstone.

Hed.Wellsaid,mygoodmelancholydevil:sirrah,Ihavedevisedoneortwooftheprettiestoaths,thismorninginmybed,aseverthouheard'st,toprotestwithalinthepresence.

Ana.Prithee,let'shearthem.

Hed.Soft,thou'Itusethemaforeme.

Ana.No,d—mnmethen—IhavemoreoathsthanIknowhowtoutter,bythisair.

Hed.Faith,oneis,Bythetipofyourear,sweetlady.Isitnotpretty,andgenteel?

Ana.Yes,fortheperson'tisappliedto,alady.Itshouldbelightand—

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Hed.Nay,theotherisbetter,exceedsitmuch:theinventionisfartherfettoo.Bythewhitevalleythatliesbetweenthealpinehillsofyourbosom,Iprotest.—

Ana.Well,youtravell'dforthat,Hedon.

Mer.Ay,inamap,wherehiseyeswerebutblindguidestohisunderstanding,itseems.

Hed.AndthenIhaveasalutationwillnickall,bythiscaper:hay!

Ana.Howisthat?

Hed.YouknowIcallmadamPhilautia,myHonour;andshecallsme,herAmbition.Xow,whenImeetherinthepresenceanon,Iwillcometoher,andsay,SweetHonour,Iliavehithertocontentedmysensewiththeliliesofyourhand,butnowIwilltastetherosesojyourlip;and,withal,kissher:towhichshecannotbutblushinganswer,Nay,noivyouaretooambitious.AndthendoIreply:/cannotbetooAmbitiousofHonour,sweetlady.WuTtnotbegood?ha?ha?

Ana.0,assureyoursoul.

Hed.Byheaven,Ithink'twillbeexcellent:andaverypoliticachievementofakiss.

Ana.IhavethoughtupononeforGloriaofasuddentoo,ifittake.

Hed.Whatis't,mydearInvention?

Ana.Marry,Iwillcometoher,(andshealwayswearsamuff,ifyouberemembered,)andIwilltellher,Madam,yourwholeseljcannotbutbeperfectlywise;foryourhandshavewitenoughtokeepthemselveswarm.

Hed.Now,beforeJove,admirable![Gelaialaughs.]Look,thypagetakesit,too.ByPhoebus,mysweetfacetiousrascal,Icouldeatwater-gruelwiththeeamonthforthisjest,mydearrogue.

Ana.O,Hercules,'tLyouronlydish;aboveallyourpotatoesoroyster-piesintheworld.

Hed.Ihaveruminateduponamostrarewishtoo,andtheprophecytoit;butI'llhavesomefriendtobetheprophet;asthus:Idowishmyselfoneofmymistress'scioppini.Anotherdemands,Whywouldhebeoneofhismistress'scioppini?athirdanswers,Becausehewouldmakeherhigher:afourthshallsay.Thatwillmakeherproud:andafifthshallconclude,ThendoIprophesypridewillhaveafall;—andheshallgiveither.

Ana.Iwillbeyourprophet.Godsso,itwillbemostexquisite;thouartafineinventionsrogue,sirrah.

Hed.Nay,andIhaveposiesforrings,too,andriddlesthattheydreamnotof.

Ana.Tut,they'lldothat,whentheycometosleeponthem,timeenough:Butwerethydevicesneverinthepresenceyet,Hedon?

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Hed.O,no,Idisdainthat.

Ana.'Tweregoodwewentaforethrn,andbroughtthemacquaintedwiththeroomwheretheyshallact,lestthestrangenessofitputthemoutofcountenance,whentheyshouldcomeforth.

[I-jxeuntHedonandAnaides.

Cup.Isthatacourtier,too?

Mer.Troth,no;hehast\voessentialpartsofthecourtier,prideandignorance;marry,therestcomesomewhatidtrrtheordinary

gallant.'TisImpudenceitself,Anaides;onethatspeaksallthatcomesinhischeeks,andwillblushnomorethanasackbut.Helightlyoccupiesthejester'sroomatthetable,andkeepslaughter,Gelaia,awenchinpage'sattire,followinghiminplaceofasquire,whomhenowandthentickleswithsomestrangeridiculousstuff,utter'dashislandcametohim,bychance.Hewillcensureordiscourseofanything,butasabsurdlyasyouwouldwish.Hiafashionisnottotakeknowledgeofhimthatisbeneathhiminclothes.Heneverdrinksbelowthesalt.Hedoesnaturallyadmirehiswitthatwearsgoldlace,ortissue:stabsanymanthatspeaksmorecontemptiblyofthescholarthanhe.Heisagreatproficientinalltheilliberalsciences,ascheating,drinking,swaggering,whoring,andsuchlike:neverkneelsbuttopledgehealths,norpraysbutforapipeofpudding-tobacco.Hewillblasphemeinhisshirt.Theoathswhichhevomitsatonesupperwouldmaintainatownofgarrisoningoodswearingatwelvemonth.Oneothergenuinequalityhehaswhichcrownsallthese,andthatisthis:toafriendinwant,hewillnotdepartwiththeweightofasolderedgroat,lesttheworldmightcensurehimprodigal,orreporthimagull:marry,tohiscockatriceorpunquetto,halfadozentaffatagownsorsatinkirtlesinapairortwoofmonths,why,theyarenothing.

Cup.Icommendhim,heisoneofmyclients.

[Theyretiretothebackofthestage.

EnterAMORPHUS,ASOTTJS,andCos.

Amo.Come,sir.Youarenowwithinregardofthepresence,andsee,theprivacyofthisroomhowsweetlyitoffersitselftoourretiredintendments.—Page,castavigilantandenquiringeyeabout,thatwebenotrudelysurprisedbytheapproachofsomeruderstranger.

Cos.Iwarrantyou,sir.I'lltellyouwhenthewolfenters,fearnothing.

Mer.0whatamassofbenefitshallwepossess,inbeingtheinvisiblespectatorsofthisstrangeshownowtobeacted!

Amo.Plantyourselfthere,sir;andobserveme.Youshallnow,aswellbetheocular,astheear-witness,howclearlyIcanrefelthatparadox,orratherpseudodox,ofthose,whichholdthefacetobetheindexofthemind,which,Iassureyou,isnotsoinanypoliticcreature:forinstance;Iwillnowgiveyoutheparticularanddistinctfaceofeveryyourmostnotedspecies

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ofpersons,asyourmerchant,yourscholar,yoursoldier,yourlawyer,courtier,etc.,andeachofthesesotruly,asyouwouldswear,butthatyoureyeshallseethevariationofthelineament,itweremymostproperandgenuineaspect.First,foryourmerchant,orcity-face,'tisthus;adull,plodding-face,stilllookinginadirectline,forward:thereisnogreatmatterinthisface.Thenhaveyouyourstudent's,oracademicface,whichishereanhonest,simple,andmethodicalface;butsomewhatmorespreadthantheformer.Thethirdis

yoursoldier'sface,amenacingandastoundingface,thatlooksbroadandbig:thegraceofhisfaceconsistethmuchinabeard.Theanti-facetothis,isyourlawyer'sface,acontracted,subtile,andintricateface,fullofquirksandturnings,alabyrintheanface,nowangularly,nowcircularly,everywayaspected.Nextisyourstatist'sface,aserious,solemn,andsuperciliousface,fullofformalandsquaregravity;theeye,forthemostpart,deeplyandartificiallyshadow'd:thereisgreatjudgmentrequiredinthemakingofthisface.Butnow,tocometoyourfaceoffaces,orcourtier'sface;'tisofthreesorts,accordingtooursubdivisionofacourtier,elementary,practic,andtheoric.Yourcourtiertheoric,ishethathatharrivedtohLfarthest,anddothnowknowthecourtratherbyspeculationthanpractice;andthisishisface:afastidiousandobliqueface;thatlooksasitwentwithavice,andwerescrew'dthus.Yourcourtierpractic,ishethatisyetinhispath,hiscourse,hisway,andhathnottouch'dthepunctilioorpointofhishopes;hisfaceishere:amostpromising,open,smooth,andoverflowingface,thatseemsasitwouldrunandpouritselfintoyou:somewhatanortherlyface.Yourcourtierelementary,isonebutnewlyenter'd,orasitwereinthealphabet,orut-re-mi-fa-sol-laofcourtship.Notewellthisface,foritisthisyoumustpractise.

Aso.I'llpractisethemall,ifyouplease,sir.

Amo.Ay,hereafteryoumay:anditwillnotbealtogetheranungratefulstudy.For,letyoursoulbeassuredofthis,inanyrankorprofessionwhatever,themoregeneralormajorpartofopiniongoeswiththefaceandsimplyrespectsnothingelse.Therefore,ifthatcanbemadeexactly,curiously,exquisitely,thoroughly,itisenough:butforthepresentyoushallonlyapplyyourselftothisfaceoftheelementarycourtier,alight,revelling,andprotestingface,nowblushing,nowsmiling,whichyoumayhelpmuchwithawantonwaggingofyourhead,thus,(afeatherwillteachyou,)orwithkissingyourfingerthathaththeruby,orplayingwithsomestringofyourband,whichisamostquaintkindofmelancholybesides:or,ifamongladies,laughingloud,andcryingupyourownwit,thoughperhapsborrow'd,itisnotamiss.Whereisyourpage?callforyourcasting-bottle,andplaceyourmirrorinyourhat,asItoldyou:so!Come,looknotpale,observeme,setyourface,andenter.

Mer.0,forsomeexcellentpainter,tohavetakenthecopyofallthesefaces![Aside.

Aso.Prosaites!

Amo.Fie!Ipremonishyouofthat:inthecourt,boy,lacquey,orsirrah.

Cos.Master,lupusinO,'tisProsaites.

EnterPROSAITES.

Aso.Sirrah,preparemycasting-bottle;IthinkImustbeenforcedtopurchasemeanother

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page;youseehowathandCoswaitshere.[ExeuntAmorphus,Aaolus,Cos,andProsaites,

J7>r.Sowillhetoo,intime.

Cup.What'she,Mercury?

Mer.Anotablesmelt.Onethathathnewlyentertain'dthebeggartofollowhim,butcannotgethimtowaitnearenough.'TisAsotus,theheirofPhilargyrus;butfirstI'llgiveyetheother'scharacter,whichmaymakehistheclearer.HethatiswithhimisAmorphus,atraveller,onesomadeoutofthemixtureofshredsofforms,thathimselfistrulydeform'd.Hewalksmostcommonlywithacloveorpick-toothinhismouth,heistheverymintofcompliment,allhisbehavioursareprinted,hisfaceisanothervolumeofessays,andhisbeardisanAristarchus.Hespeaksallcreamskimm'd,andmoreaffectedthanadozenwaitingwomen.Heishisownpromoterineveryplace.Thewifeoftheordinarygiveshimhisdiettomaintainhertableindiscourse;which,indeed,isameretyrannyoverherotherguests,forhewillusurpallthetalk:tenconstablesarenotsotedious.Heisnogreatshifter;onceayearhisapparelisreadytorevolt.Hedothusemuchtoarbitratequarrels,andfightshimself,exceedingwell,outatawindow.Hewillliecheaperthananybeggar,andlouderthanmostclocks;forwhichheisrightproperlyaccommodatedtotheWhetstone,hispage.Theothergallantishiszany,anddothmostofthesetricksafterhim;sweatstoimitatehimineverythingtoahair,exceptabeard,whichisnotyetextant.Hedothlearntomakestrangesauces,toeatanchovies,maccaroni,bovoli,fagioli,andcaviare,becausehelovesthem;speaksashespeaks,looks,walks,goessoinclothesandfashion:isinallasifheweremouldedofhim.Marry,beforetheymet,hehadotherveryprettysufficiencies,whichyetheretainssomelightimpressionof;asfrequentingadancing-school,andgrievouslytorturingstrangerswithinquisitionafterhisgraceinInsgalliard.Hebuysafreshacquaintanceatanyrate.Hiseyesandhisraimentconfermuchtogetherashegoesinthestreet.Hetreadsnicelylikethefellowthatwalksuponropes,especiallythefirstSundayofhissilkstockings;andwhenheismostneatandnew,youshallstriphimwithcommendations.

Cup.Herecomesanother.[Critespassesoverthestage.

Mer.Ay,butoneofanotherstrain,Cupid;thisfellowweighssomewhat.

Cup.Hisname,Hermes?

Mer.Crites.Acreatureofamostperfectanddivinetemper:one,inwhomthehumoursandelementsarepeaceablymet,withoutemulationofprecedency;heisneithertoofantasticallymelancholy,tooslowlyphlegmatic,toolightlysanguine,ortoorashlycholeric;butinall"socomposedandordered,asitisclearNaturewentaboutsomefullwork,shedidmorethanmakeamanwhenshemadehim.Hisdiscourseislikehisbehaviour,uncommon,butnotunpleasing;heisprodigalofneither.Hestrivesrathertobethatwhichmencalljudicious,thantobethoughtso;andissotrulylearned,thatheaffectsnottoshewit.Hewillthinkandspeakhisthoughtboth

freely;butasdistantfromdepravinganotherman'smerit,asproclaiminghisown.Forhisvalour,'tissuch,thathedaresaslittletoofferanyinjuryasreceiveone.Insum,hehathamostingenuousandsweetspirit,asharpandseason'dwit,astraightjudgmentandastrong

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mind.Fortunecouldneverbreakhim,normakehimless.Hecountsithispleasuretodespisepleasures,andismoredelightedwithgooddeedsthangoods.Itisacompetencytohimthathecanbevirtuous.Hedothneithercovetnorfear;hehathtoomuchreasontodoeither;andthatcommendsallthingstohim.

Cup.NotbetterthanMercurycommendshim.

Mer.O,Cupid,'tisbeyondmydeitytogivehimhisduepraises:Icouldleavemyplaceinheaventoliveamongmortals,soIweresuretobenootherthanhe.

Cup.'Slight,Ibelieveheisyourminion,youseemtobesoravish'dwithhim.

Mer.He'soneIwouldnothaveawrythoughtdartedagainst,willingly.

Cup.No,butastraightshaftinhisbosomI'llpromisehim,ifIamCytherea'sson.

Mer.Shallwego,Cupid?

Cup.Stay,andseetheladiesnow:they'llcomepresently.I'llhelptopaintthem.

Mer.What,laycolouruponcolour!thataffordsbutanillblazon.

Cup.Herecomesmetaltohelpit,theladyArgurion.

[Argurionpassesoverthestage.

Mer.Money,money.

Cup.Thesame.Anymphofamostwanderingandgiddydisposition,humorousastheair,she'llrunfromgallanttogallant,astheysitatprimerointhepresence,moststrangely,andseldomstayswithany.Shespreadsasshegoes.To-dayyoushallhaveherlookasclearandfreshasthemorning,andto-morrowasmelancholicasmidnight.Shetakesspecialpleasureinacloseobscurelodging,andforthatcausevisitsthecitysooften,whereshehasmanysecrettrueconcealingfavourites.Whenshecomesabroad,she'smorelooseandscatteringthandust,andwillflyfromplacetoplace,asshewerewrappedwithawhirlwind.Youryoungstudent,forthemostpart,sheaffectsnot,onlysaluteshim,andaway:apoet,noraphilosopher,sheishardlybroughttotakeanynoticeof;no,thoughhebesomepartofanalchemist.Shelovesaplayerwell,andalawyerinfinitely;but}7ourfoolaboveall.Shecandomuchincourtfortheobtainingofanysuitwhatsoever,nodoorbutfliesopentoher,herpresenceisaboveacharm.Theworstinheriswantofkeepingstate,andtoomuchdescendingintoinferiorandbaseoffices;she'sforanycoarseemploymentyouwillputuponher,astobeyourprocurer,orpander.

Mer.Peace,Cupid,herecomesmoreworkfory<iu,anothercharacterortwo.

EnterPHANTASTE,MORIA,andPHILATJTIA.

PTia.Stay,sweetPhilautia,I'llbutchangemyfan,andgopresently.

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Hor.Now,inverygoodserious,ladies,Iwillhavethisorderrevers'd,thepresencemustbebettermaintain'dfromyou:aquarterpasteleven,andne'eranymphinprospective!Beshrewmyhand,theremustbeareform'ddiscipline.Isthatyournewruff,sweetlady-bird?Bymytroth,'tismostintricatelyrare.

Her.GoodJove,whatreverendgentlewomaninyearsmightthisbe?

Cup.'TismadamMoria,guardianofthenymphs;onethatisnotnowtobepersuadedofherwit;shewillthinkherselfwiseagainstallthejudgmentsthatcome.Aladymadeallofvoiceandair,talksanythingofanything.Sheislikeoneofyourignorantpoetastersofthetime,who,whentheyhavegotacquaintedwithastrangeword,neverresttilltheyhavewrungitin,thoughitloosenthewholefabricoftheirsense.

Mer.Thatwasprettyandsharplynoted,Cupid.

Cup.Shewilltellyou,Philosophywasafinereveller,whenshewasyoung,andagallant,andthatthen,thoughshesayit,shewasthoughttobethedameDidoandHelenofthecourt:asalso,whatasweetdogshehadthistimefouryears,andhowitwascalledFortune;andthat,iftheFateshadnotcuthisthread,hehadbeenadogtohavegivenentertainmenttoanygallantinthiskingdom;andunlessshehadwhelp'ditherself,shecouldnothavelovedathingbetterinthisworld.

Mer.0,Ipritheenomore;Iamfullofher.

Cup.Yes,Imustneedstellyoushecomposesasack-possetwell;andwouldcourtayoungpagesweetly,butthatherbreathisagainstit.

Mer.Now,herbreathorsomethingmorestrongprotectmefromher!Theother,theother,Cupid?

Cup.0,that'smyladyandmistress,madamPhilautia.Sheadmiresnotherselfforanyoneparticularity,butforall:sheisfair,andsheknowsit;shehasaprettylightwittoo,andsheknowsit;shecandance,andsheknowsthattoo;playatshuttle-cock,andthattoo:noqualityshehas,butsheshalltakeaveryparticularknowledgeof,andmostlady-likecommendittoyou.Youshallhaveheratanytimereadyouthehistoryofherself,andverysubtilelyrunoveranotherlady'ssufficienciestocometoherown.Shehasagoodsuperficialjudgmentinpainting,andwouldseemtohavesoinpoetry.Amostcompleteladyintheopinionofsomethreebesideherself.

Phi.Faith,howlikedyoumyquiptoHedon,aboutthegarter?Was'tnotwitty?

Mor.Exceedingwittyandintegrate:youdidsoaggravatethejestwithal.

Phi.AnddidInotdancemovinglythelastnight?

.I/or.Movingly!outofmeasure,introth,sweetcharge.

Mer.Ahappycommendation,todanceoutofmeasure!

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Nor.Saveonlyyouwantedtheswimintheturn:0!whenIwasatfourteen

Phi.Xay,that'smineownfromanynymphinthecourt,I'msureon't;thereforeyoumistakemeinthat,guardian:boththeswimandthetripareproperlymine;everybodywillaffirmitthathasanyjudgmentindancing,Iassureyou.

Pha.Comenow,Philautia,Iamforyou;shallwego?

Phi.Ay,goodPhantaste:What!haveyouchangedyourhead-tire?

Pha.Yes,faith,theotherwassonearthecommon,ithadnoextraordinarygrace;besides,Ihadwornitalmostaday,ingoodtroth.

Phi.I'llbesworn,thisismostexcellentforthedevice,andrare;'tisaftertheItalianprintwelook'dont'othernight.

Pha.'Tisso:bythisfan,Icannotabideanythingthatsavoursthepoorover-worncut,thathasanykindredwithit;Imusthavevariety,I:thismixinginfashion,Ihateitworsethantoburnjuniperinmychamber,Iprotest.

Phi.Andyetwecannothaveanewpeculiarcourt-tire,buttheseretainerswillhaveit;thesesuburbSunday-waiters;thesecourtiersforhighdays;IknownotwhatIshouldcall'em

Pha.O,ay,theydomostpitifullyimitate;butIhaveatireacoming,i'faith,shall

Mor.Ingoodcertain,madam,itmakesyoulookmostheavenly;but,layyourhandonyourheart,youneverskinn'danewbeautymoreprosperouslyinyourlife,normoremetaphysically:look,goodlady;sweetlady,look.

Phi.'Tisveryclearandwell,believeme.Butifyouhadseenmineyesterday,when'twasyoung,youwouldhave—-Who'syourdoctor,Phantaste?

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Pha.Nay,that'scounsel,Philautia;youshallpardonme:yetI'llassureyouhe'sthemostdainty,sweet,absolute,raremanofthewholecollege.O!hisverylooks,hisdiscourse,hisbehaviour,allhedoesisphysic,Iprotest.

Phi.Forheaven'ssake,hisname,gooddearPhantaste?

Pha.No,no,no,no,no,no,believeme,notforamillionof

heavens:Iwillnotmakehimcheap.Fie

\L\fi/iit/'//(inl'i.^fr,Morfn,andPhilaiilia.

Cup.Thereisanymphtooofamostcuriousandelaboratestrain,light,allmotion,anubiquitary,sheiseverywhere,Phantaste—

Mer.Herverynamespeaksher,letherpass.IJutarethese.Cupid,thestarsofCynthia'scourt?DothesenymphsattenduponDiana?

Cup.Theyareinhercourt.Mercury,butnotasstars;thesenevercomeinthepresenceofCynthia.ThenymphsthatmakehertrainarethedivineArete,Time.I'hnmesis,Thauma,andothersofthathiiihsort.TheseareprivatelybroughtinbyMoriainthis

licentioustime,againstherknowledge:and,likesomanymeteors,willvanishwhensheappears.

EnterPROSAITESsinging,followedbyGELAIAandCos,with

bottles.

Comefollowme,mywags,andsay,asIsay,There'snorichesbutinrags,heyday,heyday:Youthatprofessthisart,comeaway,comeaway,Andhelptobearapart.Heyday,heyday,etc.

[MercuryandCupidcomeforward.

Mer.What,thosethatwereourfellowpagesbutnow,sosoonpreferr'dtobeyeomenofthebottles!Themystery,themystery,goodwags?

Cup.Somediet-drinktheyhavetheguardof.

Pro.No,sir,wearegoinginquestofastrangefountain,latelyfoundout.

Cup.Bywhom?

Cos.Mymaster,orthegreatdiscoverer,Amorphus.

Mer.Thouhastwellentitledhim,Cos,forhewilldiscoverallheknows.

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Gel.Ay,andalittlemoretoo,whenthespiritisuponhim.

Pro.0,thegoodtravellinggentlemanyonderhascausedsuchadroughtinthepresence,withreportingthewondersofthisnewwater,thatalltheladiesandgallantslielanguishingupontherushes,likesomanypoundedcattleinthemidstofharvest,sighingonetoanother,andgasping,asifeachofthemexpectedacockfromthefountaintobebroughtintohismouth;andwithoutwereturnquickly,theyareall,asayouthwouldsay,nobetterthanafewtroutscastashore,oradishofeelsinasand-bag.

Mer.Wellthen,youwerebestdispatch,andhaveacareofthem.Come,Cupid,thouandI'llgoperusethisdrywonder.[Exeunt.

ACTIII

SCENEI.—AnApartmentattheCourt.EnterAMORPHUSandASOTUS.

Amo.Sir,letnotthisdiscountenanceordisgallantyouawhit;youmustnotsinkunderthefirstdisaster.Itiswithyouryounggrammaticalcourtier,aswithyourneophyteplayer,athingusualtobedauntedatthefirstpresenceorinterview:yousaw,therewasHedon,andAnaides,farmorepractisedgallantsthanyourself,whowerebothout,tocomfortyou.Itisnodisgrace,nomorethanforyouradventurousrevellertofallbysomeinauspiciouschanceinhisgalliard,orforsomesubtilepolitictoundertakethebastinado,thatthestatemightthinkworthilyofhim,andrespecthimasamanwellbeatentotheworld.What!hathyourtailorprovidedthepropertywespakeofatyourchamber,orno?

Aso.Ithinkhehas.

Amo.Nay,Ier.treatyou,benotsoflatandmelancholic.Erectyourmind:youshallredeemthiswiththecourtship1willteachyouagainsttheafternoon.Whereeatyouto-day?

Aso,Whereyouplease,sir;anywhere,I.

.1mo.Come,letusgoandtastesomelightdinner,adishofslicedcaviare,orso;andafter,youshallpractiseanhouratyourlodgingsomefewformsthatIhaverecall'd.Ifyouhadbutsofargatheredyourspiritstoyou,astohavetakenuparushwhenyouwereout,andwagg'ditthus,orcleansedyourteethwithit;orbutturn'daside,andfeign'dsomebusinesstowhisperwithyourpage,tillyouhadrecoveredyourself,orbutfoundsomeslightstaininyourstocking,oranyotherprettyinvention,soithadbeensudden,youmighthavecomeoffwithamostclearandcourtlygrace.

Aso.Apoisonofall!IthinkIwasforespoke,I.

Amo.No,Imusttellyou,youarenotaudaciousenough;youmustfrequentordinariesamonthmore,toinitiateyourself:inwhichtime,itwillnotbeamiss,if,inprivate,youkeepgoodyouracquaintancewithCrites,orsomeotherofhispoorcoat;visithislodgingsecretlyandoften;becomeanearnestsuitortohearsomeofhislabours.

Aso.0Jove!sir,Icouldnevergethimtoreadalinetome.

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Amo.Youmustthenwiselymixyourselfinrankwithsuchasyouknowcan;and,asyourearsdomeetwithanewphrase,oranacutejest,takeitin:aquicknimblememorywillliftitaway,and,atyournextpublicmeal,itisyourown.

Aso.ButIshallneverutteritperfectly,sir.

Amo.Nomatter,letitcomelame.Inordinarytalkyoushallplayitaway,asyoudoyourlightcrownsatprimero:itwillpass.

Aso.Ishallattempt,sir.

Amo.Do.Itisyourshiftingageforwit,and,Iassureyou,menmustbeprudent.Afterthisyoumaytocourt,andtherefallin,firstwiththewaiting-woman,thenwiththelady.Putcasetheydoretainyouthere,asafitproperty,tohirecoachessomepairofmonths,orso;ortoreadthemasleepinafternoonsuponsomeprettypamphlet,tobreatheyou;why,itshallintimeemboldenyoutosomefartherachievement:intheinterim,youmayfashionyourselftobecarelessandimpudent.

Aso.Howiftheywouldhavemetomakeverses?IheardHedonspoketoforsome.

Amo.Why,youmustprovetheaptitudeofyourgonius;ifyoufindnone,youmusthearkenoutavein,andbuy;providedyoupayforthesilenceasforthework,thenyoumaysecurelycallityourown.

Aso.Yes,andI'llgiveoutmyacquaintancewithallthebestwriters,tocountenancemethemore.

Amo.Ratherseemnottoknowthem,itisyourbest.Ay,bewise,thatyouneversomuehasmentionthenameofone,norrememberitmentioned;butiftheybeoffer'dtoyouindiscourse,

shakeyourlighthead,makebetweenasadandasmilingface,pitysome,railatall,andcommendyourself:'tisyouronlysafeandunsuspectedcourse.Come,youshalllookbackuponthecourtagainto-day,andberestoredtoyourcolours:Idonowpartlyaimatthecauseofyourrepulse—whichwasominousindeed—forasyouenteratthedoor,thereisopposedtoyoutheframeofawolfinthehangings,which,surprisingyoureyesuddenly,gaveafalsealarmtotheheart;andthatwasitcalledyourbloodoutofyourface,andsoroutedthewholerankofyourspirits:Ibeseechyoulabourtoforgetit.Andremember,asIinculcatedtoyoubefore,foryourcomfort,HedonandAnaides.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—AnotherApartmentinthesame.EnterHEDONandANAIDES.

Hedon.Heart,wasthereeversoprosperousaninventionthusunluckilypervertedandspoiledbyawhoresonbook-worm,acandle-waster?

Ana.Nay,benotimpatient,Hedon.

Hed.'Slight,Iwouldfainknowhisname.

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Ana.Hanghim,poorgroganrascal!pritheethinknotofhim:I'llsendforhimtomylodging,andhavehimblanketedwhenthouwilt,man.

Hed.Odsso,Iwouldthoucouldst.Look,herehecomes.

EnterCBITES,andwalksinamusingpostureatthebackof

thestage.

Laughathim,laughathim;ha,ha,ha!

Ana.Fough!hesmellsalllamp-oilwithstudyingbycandlelight.

Hed.Howconfidentlyhewentbyus,andcarelessly!Nevermoved,norstirredatanything!Didyouobservehim?

Ana.Ay,apoxonhim,lethimgo,dormouse:heisinadreamnow.Hehasnoothertimetosleep,butthuswhenhewalksabroadtotaketheair.

Hed.'Sprecious,thisafflictsmemorethanalltherest,thatweshouldsoparticularlydirectourhateandcontemptagainsthim,andhetocarryitthuswithoutwoundorpassion!'tisinsufferable.

Ana.'Slid,mydearEnvy,ifthoubutsay'stthewordnow,I'llundohimeternallyforthee.

Hed.How,sweetAnaides?

Ana.Marry,halfascoreofusgethimin,onenight,andmakehimpawnhiswitforasupper.

Hed.Away,thouhastsuchunseasonablejests!Bythisheaven,Iwonderatnothingmorethanourgentlemenushers,thatwillsufferapieceofsergeorperpetuanatocomeintothepresence:methinkstheyshould,outoftheirexperience,betterdistinguishthesilkendispositionofcourtiers,thantoletsuchterriblecoarse

ragsmixwithus,abletofretanysmoothorgentlesocietytothethreadswiththeirrubbingdevices.

Ana.Unless'twereLent,Ember-weeks,orfastingdays,whentheplaceismostpenuriouslyemptyofallothergoodoutsides.

Dnme,ifIshouldadventureonhiscompanyoncemore,

withoutasuitofbufftodefendmywit!hedoesnothingbutstab,theslave!Howmischievouslyhecross'dthydeviceoftheprophecy,there?andMoria,shecomeswithouthermufftoo,andtheremyinventionwaslost.

Hed.Well,IamresolvedwhatI'lldo.

Ana.What,mygoodspirituousspark?

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Hed.Marry,speakallthevenomIcanofhim;andpoisonhisreputationineveryplacewhereIcome.

Ana.ToreGod,mostcourtly.

Hed.AndifIchancetobepresentwhereanyquestionismadeofhissufficiencies,orofanythinghehathdoneprivateorpublic,I'llcensureitslightlyandridiculously.

Ana.Atanyhandbewareofthat;sothoumay'stdrawthineownjudgmentinsuspect.No,I'llinstructtheewhatthoushaltdo,andbyasafermeans:approveanythingthouhearestofhis,tothereceivedopinionofit;butifitbeextraordinary,giveitfromhimtosomeotherwhomthoumoreparticularlyaffect'st;that'sthewaytoplaguehim,andheshallnevercometodefendhimself.'Slud,I'llgiveoutallhedoesisdictatedfromothermen,andswearittoo,ifthou'Ithaveme,andthatIknowthetimeandplacewherehestoleit,thoughmysoulbeguiltyofnosuchthing;andthatIthink,outofmyheart,hehatessuchbarrenshifts:yettodotheeapleasure,andhimadisgrace,I'lldamnmyself,ordoanything.

Hed.Grammercy,mydeardevil;we'llputitseriouslyinpractice,i'faith.[ExeuntHedonandAnaides.

Cri.[comingforward.']Do,goodDetraction,do,and1thewhileShallshakethyspightoffwithacarelesssmile.Poorpiteousgallants!whatleanidleslightsTheirthoughtssuggesttoflattertheirstarv'dhopes!AsifIknewnothowtoentertainThesestraw-devices;but,offorcemustyieldTotheweakstrokeoftheircalumnioustongues.WhatshouldIcarewhateverydordothbuzIncredulousears?ItisacrowntomeThatthebestjudgmentscanreportmewrong'd;Themliars,andtheirslandersimpudent.Perhaps,upontherumouroftheirspeechSomegrievedfriendwillwhispertome;Crite.^,Menspeakillofthee.Sotheybeillmen,Iftheyspakeworse,'twerebetter:forofsiu-hTobedispraised,isthemostperfectpraise.Whatcanhiscensurehurtme.\\lmmthe\\-<>rl<!Hathcensuredvilebeforeme!IfgoodClirestus,

Euthus,orPhronimus,hadspokethewords,

Theywouldhavemovedme,andIshouldhavecall'd

Mythoughtsandactionstoastrictaccount

Uponthehearing:butwhenIremember,

'TisHedonandAnaides,alas,then

Ithinkbutwhattheyare,andamnotstirr'd.

Theonealightvoluptuousreveller,

Theother,astrangearrogatingpuff,

Bothimpudent,andignorantenough;

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Thattalkastheyarewont,notasImerit;

Traducebycustom,asmostdogsdobark,

Donothingoutofjudgment,butdisease,

Speakill,becausetheynevercouldspeakwell.

Andwho'dbeangrywiththisraceofcreatures?

Whatwisephysicianhaveweeverseen

Movedwithafranticman?thesameaffects

Thathedothbeartohissickpatient,

Shouldarightmindcarrytosuchasthese;

AndIdocountitamostrarerevenge,

ThatIcanthus,withsuchasweetneglect,

Pluckfromthemallthepleasureoftheirmalice;

Forthat'sthemarkofalltheirenginousdrifts,

Towoundmypatience,howsoe'ertheyseem

Toaimatotherobjects;whichifmiss'd,

Theirenvy'slikeanarrowshotupright,

That,inthefall,endangerstheirownheads.

EnterARETE.

Are.What,Crites!wherehaveyoudrawnforththeday,Youhavenotvisitedyourjealousfriends?

Cri.WhereIhaveseen,mosthonour'dArete,Thestrangestpageant,fashion'dlikeacourt,(AtleastIdreamtIsawit)sodiffused,Sopainted,pied,andfullofrainbowstrains,Asneveryet,eitherbytime,orplace,Wasmadethefoodtomydistastedsense;NorcanmyweakimperfectmemoryNowrenderhalftheformsuntomytongue,Thatwereconvolvedwithinthisthriftyroom.Herestalksmebyaproudandspangledsir,Thatlooksthreehandfulshigherthanhisforetop;Savourshimselfalone,isonhykindAndlovingtohimself;onethatwillspeakMoredarkanddoubtfulthansixoracles!Salutesafriend,asifhehadastitch;Ishisownchronicle,andscarcecaneatForregist'ringhimself;iswaitedonBymimics,jesters,panders,parasites,Andothersuchlikeprodigiesofmen.

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Hepast,appearssomemincingmarmoset

Madeallofclothesandface;hislimbssoset

Asiftheyhadsomevoluntaryact

Withoutman'smotion,andmustmovejustso

Inspightoftheircreation:onethatweighs

Hisbreathbetweenhisteeth,anddaresnotsmile

Beyondapoint,forfeart'unstarchhislook;

Hathtravell'dtomakelegs,andseenthecringe

Ofseveralcourts,andcourtiers;knowsthetime

Ofgivingtitles,andoftakingwalls;

Hathreadcourtcommon-places;madethemhis:

Studiedthegrammarofstate,andalltherules

Eachformalusherinthatpoliticschool

Canteachaman.Athirdcomes,givingnods

Tohisrepentingcreditors,protests

Toweepingsuitors,takesthecominggold

Ofinsolentandbaseambition,

Thathourlyrubshisdryanditchypalms;

Whichgriped,likeburningcoals,hehurlsaway

Intothelapsofbawds,andbuffoons'mouths.

WithhimtheremeetssomesubtleProteus,one

Canchange,andvarywithallformshesees;

Beanythingbuthonest;servesthetime;

Hoversbetwixttwofactions,andexplores

Thedriftsofboth;which,withcrossface,hebears

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Tothedividedheads,andisreceived

Withmutualgraceofeither:onethatdares

Dodeedsworthythehurdleorthewheel,

Tobethoughtsomebody;andisinsooth

Suchasthesatiristpointstrulyforth,

Thatonlytohiscrimesowesallhisworth.

Are.Youtelluswonders,Crites.

Cri.Thisisnothing.

Therestandsaneophiteglazingofhisface,Pruninghisclothes,perfumingofhishair,Againsthisidolenters;andrepeats,Likeanunperfectprologue,atthirdmusic,Hispartofspeeches,andconfederatejests,Inpassiontohimself.AnotherswearsHissceneofcourtshipover;bids,believehim,Twentytimeseretheywill;anon,dothseemAshewouldkissawayhishandinkindness;Thenwalksoffmelancholic,andstandswreath'd,Ashewerepinn'duptothearras,thus.Athirdismostinaction,swimsandfrisks,Playswithhismistress'spaps,salutesherpumps,Adoresherhems,herskirts,herknots,hercurls,Willspendhispatrimonyforagarter,Ortheleastfeatherinherbounteousf;m.

;

.

Aso.Thisishard,bymyfaith.I'llbeginitallagain.

Amo.Doso,andIwillactitforyourlady.

Aso.Willyouvouchsafe,sir?Allvarietyofdivinepleasures,choicesports,sweetmusic,richfare,braveattire,softbeds,andsilkenthoughts,attendthisdearbeauty.

Amo.So,sir,prayyou,away.

Aso.Morethanmostfairlady,LetnottherigourofyourjustdisdainThuscoarselycensureofyourservant'szeal;Iprotestyouaretheonly,andabsolute,unappareWd

Amo.Unparallel'd.

Aso.Unparalleledcreature,Idoadore,andadmire,andrespect,andreverence,inthiscorneroftheworldorkingdom.

Amo.Thisis,ifsheabideyou.Butnow,putthecasesheshouldbepassantwhenyouenter,asthus:youaretoframeyourgaitthereafter,andcalluponher,lady,nymph,sweetrefuge,starofourcourt.Then,ifshebeguardant,here;youaretocomeon,and,laterallydisposing

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yourself,swearbyherblushingandwell-colouredcheek,thebrightdyeofherhair,herivoryteeth,thoughtheybeebony),orsomesuchwhiteandinnocentoath,toinduceyou.Ifregardant,thenmaintainyourstation,briskandirpe,showthesupplemotionofyourpliantbody,butinchiefofyourknee,andhand,whichcannotbutarrideherproudhumourexceedingly.

Aso.Iconceiveyou,sir.Ishallperformallthesethingsingoodtime,Idoubtnot,theydosohitme.

Amo.Well,sir,Iamyourlady;makeuseofanyofthesebeginnings,orsomeotheroutofyourowninvention;andprovehowyoucanholdup,andfollowit.Say,say.

Aso.Yes,sir.MydearLindabrides.

Amo.No,youaffectthatLindabridestoomuch;andletmetellyouitisnotsocourtly.YourpedantshouldprovideyousomeparcelsofFrench,orsomeprettycommodityofItalian,tocommencewith,ifyouwouldbeexoticandexquisite.

Aso.Yes,sir,hewasatmylodgingt'othermorning,Igavehimadoublet.

Amo.Doubleyourbenevolence,andgivehimthehosetoo;clotheyouhisbody,hewillhelptoapparelyourmind.Butnow,seewhatyourpropergeniuscanperformalone,withoutadjectionofanyotherMinerva.

Aso.Icomprehendyou,sir.

Amo.Idostandyou,sir;fallbacktoyourfirstplace.Good,passingwell:veryproperlypursued.

Aso.Beautiful,ambiguous,andsufficientlady,what!areyouallalone?

Amo.Wewouldbe,sir,ifyouwouldleaveus.

Aso.Iamatyourbeauty'sappointment,brightangel;but

Amo.Whatbut?

Aso.Noharm,morethanmostfairfeature.

Amo.Thattouchrelish'dwell.

Aso.But,Iprotest

Anio.Andwhyshouldyouprotest?

Aso.Forgoodwill,dearesteemedmadam,andIhopeyourladyshipwillsoconceiveofit:

Andwill,intime,returnfromyourdisdain,Andruethesufferanceofourfriendlypain.

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Amo.O,thatpiecewasexcellent!Ifyoucouldpickoutmoreoftheseplay-particles,and,asoccasionshallsaluteyou,embroiderordamaskyourdiscoursewiththem,persuadeyoursoul,itwouldmostjudiciouslycommendyou.Come,thiswasawell-dischargedandauspiciousbout.Provethesecond.

Aso.Lady,Icannotruffleitinredandyellow.

Amo.Why,ifyoucanrevelitinwhite,sir,'tissufficient.

Aso.Sayyouso,siveetlady!Lan,tede,de,de,de,dant,dant,dant,dante.[Singsanddances.]No,ingoodfaith,madam,whosoevertoldyourladyshipso,abusedyou;butIwouldbegladtomeetyourladyshipinameasure.

Amo.Me,sir!Belikeyoumeasuremebyyourself,then?

Aso.WouldImight,fairfeature.

Amo.Andwhatwereyouthebetter,ifyoumight?

Aso.Thebetteritpleaseyoutoask,fairlady.

Amo.Why,thiswasravishing,andmostacutelycontinued.Well,spendnotyourhumourtoomuch,youhavenowcompetentlyexercisedyourconceit:this,onceortwiceaday,willrenderyouanaccomplishd,elaborate,andwell-levell'dgallant.Conveyinyourcourting-stock,wewillintheheatofthisgovisitthenymphs'chamber.[Exeunt.

ACTIV

SCENEI.—AnApartmentinthePalace.EnterPHANTASTE,PHILAUTIA,AEGUBION,MORIA,andCUPID.

Pha.Iwouldthiswaterwouldarriveonce,ourtravellingfriendsocommendedtous.

Arg.SowouldI,forhehasleftallusintravailwithexpectationofit.

Pha.PrayJove,Ineverrisefromthiscouch,ifeverIthirstedmoreforathinginmywholetimeofbeingacourtier.

Phi.NorI,I'llbesworn:theverymentionofitsetsmylipsinaworseheat,thanifhehadsprinkledthemwithmercury.Reach,metheglass,sirrah,

Cup.Here,lady.

Mor.Theydonotpeel,sweetcharge,dothey?

Phi.Yes,alittle,guardian.

Mor.O,'tisaneminentgoodsign.Everwhenmylipsdoso,Iamsuretohavesomedeliciousgooddrinkorotherapproaching.

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Arg.Marry,andthismaybogoodforusladies,foritseems'tisfarfetbytheirstay.

Mor.Mypalateforyours,dearHonour,itshallprovemostelegant,Iwarrantyou.O,Idofancythisgearthat'slongacoming,withanunmeasurablestrain.

Pha.Praytheesitdown,Philautia;thatrebatubecomestheesingularly.

Phi.Isitnotquaint?

Pha.Yes,faith.Methinks,thyservantHedonisnothingsoobsequioustothee,ashewaswonttobe:Iknownothow,heisgrownoutofhisgarba-late,he'swarp'd.

Mor.Intrueness,andsomethinkstoo;heismuchconverted.

Phi.Tut,lethimbewhathewill,'tisananimalIdreamnotof.Thistire,methinks,makesmelookveryingeniously,quick,andspirited;IshouldbesomeLaura,orsomeDelia,methinks.

Mor.AsIamwise,fairHonours,thattitleshegavehim,tobeherAmbition,spoil'dhim:before,hewasthemostpropitiousandobservantyoungnovice—

Pha.No,no,youarethewholeheavenawry,guardian;'tistheswaggeringcoach-horseAnaidesdrawswithhimthere,hasbeenthediverterofhim.

Phi.ForCupid'ssakespeaknomoreofhim;wouldImightneverdaretolookinamirroragain,ifIrespecteveramarmosetof'emall,otherwisethanIwouldafeather,ormyshuttle-cock,tomakesportwithnowandthen.

Pha.Come,sitdown;troth,anyoubegoodbeauties,let'srunoverthemallnow:Whichistheproperestmanamongstthem?Isay,thetraveller,Amorphus.

Phi.O,fieonhim,helookslikeaVenetiantrumpeterinthebattleofLepanto,inthegalleryyonder;andspeakstothetuneofacountryladythatcomeseverintherearwardortrainofafashion.

Mor.Ishouldhavejudgmentinafeature,sweetbeauties.

Pha.Abodywouldthinkso,attheseyears.

Mor.AndIpreferanothernow,farbeforehim,amillion,atleast.

Pha.Whomightthatbe,guardian?

Mor.Marry,faircharge,Anaides.

Pha.Anaides!youtalk'dofatune,Philautia;there'sonespeaksinakey,liketheopeningofsomejustice'sgate,orapostboy'shorn,asifhisvoicefearedanarrestforsomeillwordsitshouldgive,andwerelothtocomeforth.

Phi.Ay,andhehasaveryimperfectface.

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Pha.Likeasea-monster,thatweretoravishAndromedafromtherock.

Phi.Hishandstoogreattoo,byatleastastraw'sbreadth.

Pha.Nay,hehasaworsefaultthanthattoo.

Phi.Alongheel?

Pha.Thatwereafaultinalady,ratherthanhim:no,theysayheputsoffthecalvesofhislegs,withhisstockings,everynight.

Phi.Outuponhim!Turntoanotherofthepictures,forlove'ssake.WhatsaysArguilon?Whomdoesshecommendaforetherest?

Cup.IhopeIhaveinstructedhersufficientlyforananswer.

[Aside.

Mor.Troth,Imadethemotiontoherladyshipforoneto-day,i'thepresence,butitappear'dshewasotherwaysfurnishedbefore:shewouldnone.

Pha.Whowasthat,Argurion?

Mor.Many,thepoorplaingentlemanintheblackthere.

Pha.Who,Crites?

Arg.Ay,ay,he:afellowthatnobodysomuchaslook'dupon,orregarded;andshewouldhavehadmedonehimparticulargrace.

Pha.Thatwasatruetrickofyourself,Moria,topersuadeArguriontoaffectthescholar.

Arg.Tut,butsheshallbenochooserforme.Ingoodfaith,Ilikethecitizen'ssonthere,Asotus;methinksnoneofthemallcomenearhim.

Pha.NotHedon?

Arg.Hedon!Introth,no.Hedon'saprettyslightcourtier,andhewearshisclotheswell,andsometimesinfashion;marry,hisfaceisbutindifferent,andhehasnosuchexcellentbody.No,theotherisamostdelicateyouth;asweetface,astraightbody,awell-proportion'dlegandfoot,awhitehand,atendervoice.

Phi.Hownow,Argurion!

Pha.0,youshouldhaveletheralone,shewasbestowingacopyofhimuponus.Suchanosewereenoughtomakemeloveaman,now.

Phi.Andthenhisseveralcolourshewears;whereinheflourishethchangeably,everyday.

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Pha.0,buthisshorthair,andhisnarroweyes!

Phi.Whyshedoatsmorepalpablyuponhimthaneverhisfatherdiduponher.

Pha.Believeme,theyounggentlemandeservesit.Ifshecoulddoatmore,'twerenotamiss.Heisanexceedingproperyouth,andwouldhavemadeamostneatbarbersurgeon,ifhehadbeenputtoitintime.

Phi.Sayyouso!Methinkshelookslikeatailoralready.

Pha.Ay,thathadsayedononeofhiscustomer'ssuits.Hisfaceislikeasqueezedorange,or—

Arg.Well,ladies,jeston:thebestofyoubothwouldbegladofsuchaservant.

Mor.Ay,I'llbeswornwouldthey,thoughhebealittleshamefaced.

Pha.Shame-faced,Moria!outuponhim.Yourshame-facedservantisyouronlygull.

Mor.Goto,beauties,makemuchoftime,andplace,andoccasion,andopportunity,andfavourites,andthingsthatbelongtothem,forI'llensureyoutheywillallrelinquish;theycannotendureaboveanotheryear;Iknowitoutoffutureexperience;andthereforetakeexhibitionandwarning.Iwasoncearevellermyself,andthoughIspeakit,asmineowntrumpet,Iwasthenesteeru'd—

Phi.Theverymarch-paneofthecourt,Iwarrantyou.

PJia.Andallthegallantscameaboutyoulikeflies,didtheynot?

Mor.Goto,theydidsomewhat;that'snomatternow.

Pha.Nay,goodMoria,benotangry.Putcase,thatwefournowhadthegrantfromJuno,towishourselvesintowhathappyestatewecould,whatwouldyouwishtobe,Moria?

Mor.Who,I!letmeseenow.Iwouldwishtobeawisewoman,andknowallthesecretsofcourt,city,andcountry.Iwouldknowwhatweredonebehindthearras,whatuponthestairs,whatinthegarden,whatinthenymphs'chamber,whatbybarge,andwhatbycoach.Iwouldtellyouwhichcourtierwerescabbedandwhichnot;whichladyhadherownfacetoliewithhera-nightsandwhichnot;whoputofftheirteethwiththeirclothesincourt,whotheirhair,whotheircomplexion;andinwhichboxtheyputit.Thereshouldnotanymph,orawidow,begotwithchildintheverge,butIwouldguess,withinoneortwo,whowastherightfather,andinwhatmonthitwasgotten;withwhatwords,andwhichway.Iwouldtellyouwhichmadamlovedamonsieur,whichaplayer,whichapage;whosleptwithherhusband,whowithherfriend,whowithhergentleman-usher,whowithherhorse-keeper,whowithhermonkey,andwhowithall;yes,andwhojigg'dthecocktoo.

Pha.Fie,you'dtellall,Moria!IfIshouldwishnow,itshouldbetohaveyourtongueout.ButwhatsaysPhilautia?Whoshouldshebe?

Phi.Troth,theverysameIam.OnlyIwouldwishmyselfalittlemorecommandand

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sovereignty;thatallthecourtweresubjecttomyabsolutebeck,andallthingsinitdependingonmylook;asiftherewerenootherheavenbutinmysmile,norotherhellbutinmyfrown;thatImightsendforanymanIlist,andhavehisheadcutoffwhenIhavedonewithhim,ormadeaneunuchifhedeniedme;andifIsawabetterfacethanmineown,Imighthavemydoctortopoisonit.Whatwouldyouwish,Phantaste?

Pha.Faith,Icannotreadilytellyouwhat:butmethinksIshouldwishmyselfallmannerofcreatures.NowIwouldbeanempress,andbyandbyaduchess;thenagreatladyofstate,thenoneofyourmiscellanymadams,thenawaiting-woman,thenyourcitizen'swife,thenacoarsecountrygentlewoman,thenadairymaid,thenashepherd'slass,thenanempressagain,orthequeenoffairies:andthusIwouldprovethevicissitudesandwhirlofpleasuresaboutandagain.AsIwereashepherdess,Iwouldbepipedandsungto;asadairy-wench,Iwoulddanceatmaypoles,andmakesyllabubs;asacountrygentlewoman,keepagoodhouse,andcomeuptotermtoseemotions;asacitizen'swife,tobetroubledwithajealoushusband,andputtomyshifts;others'miseriesshouldbemypleasures.Asawaiting-woman,Iwouldtastemylady'sdelightstoher;asamiscellanymadam,inventnewtires,andgovisitcourtiers;asagreatlady,liea-bed,andhavecourtiersvisitme;asaduchess,Iwouldkeepmystate;andasan

empress,Iwoulddoanything.And,inalltheseshapes,Iwouldeverbefollowedwiththeaffectionsofallthatseeme.Marry,Imyselfwouldaffectnone;orifIdid,itshouldnotbeheartily,butsoasImightsavemyselfinthemstill,andtakeprideintormentingthepoorwretches.Or,nowIthinkon't,Iwould,foroneyear,wishmyselfonewoman;buttherichest,fairest,anddelicatestinakingdom,theverycentreofwealthandbeauty,whereinalllinesofloveshouldmeet;andinthatpersonIwouldproveallmannerofsuitors,ofallhumours,andofallcomplexions,andneverhaveanytwoofasort.Iwouldseehowlove,bythepowerofhisobject,couldworkinwardlyalike,inacholericmanandasanguine,inamelancholicandaphlegmatic,inafoolandawiseman,inaclownandacourtier,inavaliantmanandacoward;andhowhecouldvaryoutward,bylettingthisgallantexpresshimselfindumbgaze;anotherwithsighingandrubbinghisfingers;athirdwithplay-endsandpitifulverses;afourth,withstabbinghimself,anddrinkinghealths,orwritinglanguishinglettersinhisblood;afifth,incolour'dribandsandgoodclothes;withthislordtosmile,andthatlordtocourt,andthet'otherlordtodote,andonelordtohanghimself.And,then,Itohaveabookmadeofallthis,whichIwouldcalltheBooleofHumours,andeverynightreadalittlepieceereIslept,andlaughatit.—HerecomesHedon.

EnterHEDON,ANAIDES,andMERCURY,whoretireswithCUPIDtothebackofthestage,wheretheyconversetogether.

Hed.Saveyousweetandclearbeauties!Bythespiritthatmovesinme,youareallmostpleasinglybestow'd,ladies.OnlyIcantakeitfornogoodomen,tofindmineHonoursodejected.

Phi.Youneednotfear,sir;Ididofpurposehumblemyselfagainstyourcoming,todeclinetheprideofmyAmbition.

Hed.FairHonour,Ambitiondaresnotstoop;butifitbeyoursweetpleasureIshalllosethattitle,Iwill,asIamHedon,applymyselftoyourbounties.

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Phi.Thatwerethenextwaytodis-titlemyselfofhonour.O,no,ratherbestillAmbitious,Iprayyou.

Hed.Iwillbeanythingthatyouplease,whilstitpleasethyoutobeyourself,lady.SweetPhantaste,dearMoria,mostbeautifulArgurion—

Ana.Farewell,Hedon.

Hed.Anaides,stay,whithergoyou?

Ana.'Slight,whatshouldIdohere?anyouengrossthemallforyourownuse,'tistimeformetoseekout.

Hed.Iengrossthem!Away,mischief;thisisoneofyourextravagantjestsnow,becauseIbegantosalutethembytheirnames.

Ana.Faith,youmighthavesparedusmadamPrudence,theguardianthere,thoughyouhadmorecovetously;iim'dattherest.

Hed.'Sheart,takethemall,man:whatspeakyoutomeofaimingorcovetous?

Ana.Ay,sayyouso!nay,then,haveatthem:—Ladies,here'sonehathdistinguishedyoubyyournamesalready:Itshallonlybecomemetoaskhowyoudo.

Hed.Odsso,wasthisthedesignyoutravail'dwith?

Pha.Whoanswersthebrazenhead?itspoketosomebody.

Ana.LadyWisdom,doyouinterpretforthesepuppets?

Mor.Intruthandsadness,honours,youareingreatoffenceforthis.Goto;thegentleman(I'llundertakewithhim)isamanoffairliving,andabletomaintainaladyinhertwocoachesaday,besidespages,monkeys,andparaquettoes,withsuchattendantsassheshallthinkmeetforherturn;andthereforethereismorerespectrequirable,howsoe'eryouseemtoconnive.Harkyou,sir,letmediscourseasyllablewithyou.Iamtosaytoyou,theseladiesarenotofthatcloseandopenbehaviourashaplyyoumaysuspend;theircarriageiswellknowntobesuchasitshouldbe,bothgentleandextraordinary.

Her.0,herecomestheotherpair.

EnterAMORPHUSandASOTUS.

Amo.Thatwasyourfather'slove,thenymphArgurion.Iwouldhaveyoudirectallyourcourtshipthither;ifyoucouldbutendearyourselftoheraffection,youwereeternallyengallanted.

Aso.Intruth,sir!prayPhoebusIprovefavoursomeinherfaireyes.

Amo.Alldivinemixture,andincreaseofbeautytothisbrightbevyofladies;andtothemale

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courtiers,complimentandcourtesy.

Hed.Inthebehalfofthemales,Igratifyyou,Amorphus.

Pha.AndIofthefemales.

Amo.Succinctlyreturn'd.Idovailtobothyourthanks,andkissthem;butprimarilytoyours,mostingenious,acute,andpolitelady.

Phi.Odsmylife,howhedoesall-to-bequalifyher!ingenious,acute,andpolite!asiftherewasnotothersinplaceasingenious,acute,andpoliteasshe.

Hed.Yes,butyoumustknow,lady,hecannotspeakoutofadictionarymethod.

Pha.Sitdown,sweetAmorphus.Whenwillthiswatercome,thinkyou?

Amo.Itcannotnowbelong,fairlady.

Cup.Nowobserve,Mercury.

Aso.How,mostambiguousbeauty!loveyou?thatIwill,bythishandkerchief.

Mer.'Slid,hedrawshisoathsoutofhispocket.

Arg.Butwillyoubeconstant?

Aso.Constant,madam!Iwillnotsayforconstantness;butbythispurse,whichIwouldbelothtoswearby,unlessitwereembroidered,Iprotest,morethanmostfairlady,youaretheonlyabsolute,andunparallel'dcreature,Idoadore,andadmire,and

respect,andreverenceinthiscourt,corneroftheworld,orkingdom.Methinksyouaremelancholy.

Arg.Doesyourheartspeakallthis?

Aso.Sayyou?

Her.0,heisgropingforanotheroath.

Aso.Nowbythiswatch—Imariehowforwardthedayis—Idounfeignedlyavowmyself—'slight,'tisdeeperthanItookit,pastfive—yoursentirelyaddicted,madam.

Arg,Irequirenomore,dearestAsotus;henceforthletmecallyoumine,andinremembranceofme,vouchsafetowearthischainandthisdiamond.

Aso.Olord,sweetlady!

Cup.Therearenewoathsforhim.What!dothHermestastenoalterationinallthis?

Mer.Yes,thouhaststrookArgurionenamour'donAsotus,methinks.

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Cup.Alas,no;Iamnobody,I;Icandonothinginthisdisguise.

Mer.Butthouhastnotwoundedanyoftherest,Cupid.

Cup.Notyet;itisenoughthatIhavebegunsoprosperously.

Arg.Nay,thesearenothingtothegemsIwillhourlybestowuponthee;bebutfaithfulandkindtome,andIwillladetheewithmyrichestbounties:behold,heremybraceletsfromminearms.

Aso.Notso,goodlady,bythisdiamond.

Arg.Take'em,wear'em;myjewels,chainofpearlpendants,allIhave.

Aso.Naythen,bythispearlyoumakemeawanton.

Cup.Shallshenotanswerforthis,tomaintainhimthusinswearing?

Mer.Ono,thereisawaytoweanhimfromthis,thegentlemanmaybereclaim'd.

Cup.Ay,ifyouhadtheairingofhisapparel,coz,Ithink.

Aso.Loving!'twerepityanIshouldbelivingelse,believeme.Saveyou,sir,saveyou,sweetlady,saveyou,monsieurAnaides,saveyou,dearmadam.

Ana.Dostthouknowhimthatsalutedthee,Hedon?

Hed.No,someidleFungoso,thathathgotabovethecupboardsinceyesterday.

Ana.'Slud,Ineversawhimtillthismorning,andhesalutesmeasfamiliarlyasifwehadknowntogethersincethedeluge,orthefirstyearofTroyaction.

Amo.Amostright-handedandauspiciousencounter.Confineyourselftoyourfortunes.

Phi.Forsport'ssakelet'shavesomeRiddlesorPurposes,ho!

Pha.No,faith,yourPropheciesarebest,thet'otherarestale.

Phi.Prophecies!wecannotallsitinatthem;weshallmakeaconfusion.No;whatcall'dyouthatwehadintheforenoon?

Pha.Substantivesandadjectives,isitnot,Hedon?

Phi.Ay,that.Whobegins?

Pha.Ihavethought;speakyouradjectives,sirs.

Phi.Butdonotyouchangethen.

Pha.NotI.Whosays?

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Mor.Odoriferous.

Phi.Popular.

Arg.Humble.

Ana.White-liver'd.

Hed.Barbarous.

Amo.Pythagorical.

Hed.Yours,signior.

Aso.WhatmustIdo,sir?

Amo.Giveforthyouradjectivewiththerest;asprosperous,good,fair,sweet,well—

Hed.Anythingthathathnotbeenspoken.

Aso.Yes,sir,wellspokenshallbemine.

Pha.What,haveyoualldone?

All.Ay.

Pha.ThenthesubstantiveisBreeches.Whyodoriferousbreeches,guardian?

Mor.Odoriferous,—becauseodoriferous:thatwhichcontainsmostvarietyofsavourandsmellwesayismostodoriferous;nowbreeches,Ipresume,areincidenttothatvariety,andthereforeodoriferousbreeches.

Pha.Well,wemusttakeithowsoever.Who'snext?Philautia?

Phi.Popular.

Pha.Whypopularbreeches?

PJia.Marry,thatis,whentheyarenotcontenttobegenerallynotedincourt,butwillpressforthoncommonstagesandbrokers'stalls,tothepublicviewoftheworld.

Pha.Good.Whyhumblebreeches,Argurion?

Arg.Humble!becausetheyusetobesatupon;besides,ifyoutiethemnotup,theirpropertyistofalldownaboutyourheels.

Mer.Shehaswornthebreeches,itseems,whichhavedoneso.

Pha.Butwhywhite-liver'd?

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Ana.Why!arenottheirliningswhite?Besides,whentheycomeinswaggeringcompany,andwillpocketupanything,maytheynotproperlybesaidtobewhite-liver'd?

Pha.Oyes,wemustnotdenyit.Andwhybarbarous,Hedon?

Hed.Barbarous!becausecommonly,whenyouhavewornyourbreechessufficiently,yougivethemtoyourbarber.

Amo.That'sgood;buthowPythagorical?

Phi.Ay,Amorphus,whyPythagoricalbreeches?

Amo.Omostkindlyofall;'tisaconceitofthatfortune,Iamboldtohugmybrainfor.

Plia.Howisit,exquisiteAmorphus?

Amo.O,Iamraptwithit,'tissofit,soproper,sohappy—

Phi.Nay,donotrackusthus.

Amo.Inevertrulyrelish'dmyselfbefore.Givemeyourears.

BreechesPythagorical,byreasonoftheirtransmigrationintoseveralshapes.

Mor.Mostrare,insweettroth.Marrythisyounggentleman,forhiswell-spoken—

Pha.Ay,whywell-spokenbreeches?

Aso.Well-spoken!Marry,well-spoken,because—whatsoevertheyspeakiswell-taken;andwhatsoeveriswell-takeniswell-spoken.

Mor.Excellent!believeme.

Aso.Notso,ladies,neither.

Hed.Butwhybreeches,now?

Pha.Breeches,quasibear-riches;whenagallantbearsallhisrichesinhisbreeches.

Amo.Mostfortunatelyetymologised.

Pha.'Nay,wehaveanothersportaforethis,ofAthingdone,andwhodidit,etc.

Phi.Ay,goodPhantaste,let'shavethat:distributetheplaces.

Pha.Why,Iimagine,Athingdone;Hedonthinks,whodidit;Moria,withwhatitwasdone;Anaides,whereitwasdone;Argurion,whenitwasdone;Amorphus,forwhatcausewasitdone;you,Philautia,whatfolloweduponthedoingofit;andthisgentleman,whowouldhavedoneitbetter.What?isitconceivedabout?

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All.Yes,yes.

Pha.Thenspeakyou,sir,Whowouldliavedoneitbetter?

Aso.How!doesitbeginatme?

Pha.Yes,sir:thisplayiscalledtheCrab,itgoesbackward.

Aso.MayInotnamemyself?

Phi.Ifyouplease,sir,anddareabidetheventureofit.

Aso.ThenIwouldhavedoneitbetter,whateveritis.

Pha.Nodoubton't,sir:agoodconfidence.WJiatfollowedupontheact,Philautia?

Phi.Afewheatdrops,andamonth'smirth.

Pha.Forwhatcause,Amorphus?

Amo.Forthedelightofladies.

Pha.When,Argurion?

Arg.Lastprogress.

Pha.Where,Anaides?

Ana.Why,inapairofpain'dslops.

Pha.Withwhat,Moria?

M»r.Withaglyster.

Pha.Who,Hedon?

//"/.Atraveller.

Pha.Thenthethingdonewas,Anorationwasmade.Rehearse.Anorationwasmade—

Jlfd.Byatraveller—

Mor.Withaglyster—

Ana.Inapairofpain'dslops—

Arg.Lastprogress—

Amo.Forthedelightofladies—

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Phi.Afewheatdrops,andamonth'smirthfollowed.

Pha.And,thissilentgentlemanwouldhavedoneitbetter.

Aso.Thiswasnotsogood,now.

Phi.Ingoodfaith,theseunhappypageswouldbewhipp'dforstayingthus.

Mor.Beshrewmyhandandmyheartelse.

Amo.Idowonderattheirprotraction.

Ana.PrayVenusmywhorehavenotdiscover'dherselftotherascallyboys,andthatbethecauseoftheirstay.

Aso.Imustsuitmyselfwithanotherpage:thisidleProsaiteswillneverbebroughttowaitwell.

Mor.Sir,IhaveakinsmanIcouldwillinglywishtoyourservice,ifyouwilldeigntoacceptofhim.

Aso.AndIshallbeglad,mostsweetlady,toembracehim:Whereishe?

Mor.Icanfetchhim,sir,butIwouldbelothtomakeyoutoturnawayyourotherpage.

Aso.Youshallnot,mostsufficientlady;Iwillkeepboth:prayyoulet'sgoseehim.

Arg.Whithergoesmylove?

Aso.I'llreturnpresently,Igobuttoseeapagewiththislady.

[ExetmtAsotusandMoria.

Ana.Assureasfate,'tisso:shehasopenedall:apoxofallcockatrices!D—nme,ifshehaveplay'dloosewithme,I'llcutherthroat,withinahair'sbreadth,soitmaybeheal'dagain.

Mer.What,ishejealousofhishermaphrodite?

Cup.O,ay,thiswillbeexcellentsport.

Phi.Phantaste,Argurion!what,youaresuddenlystruck,methinks!Forlove'ssakelet'shavesomemusictilltheycome:Ambition,reachthelyra,Iprayyou.

Hed.AnythingtowhichmyHonourshalldirectme.

Phi.Come,Amorphus,cheerupPhantaste.

Amo.Itshallbemypride,fairlady,toattemptallthatisinmypower.Buthereisaninstrumentthataloneisabletoinfusesoulintothemostmelancholicanddull-disposedcreatureuponearth.O,letmekissthyfairknees.Beauteousears,attendit.

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Hed.Willyouhave"theKiss,"Honour?'

Phi.Ay,goodAmbition.

HEDONsings.

0,tliatjoysosoonshouldwaste!OrsosweetablissAsakiss

Mightnotforeverlast!Sosugared,somelting,sosoft,sodelicious,Thedewthatliesonroses,Whenthemornherselfdiscloses,Isnotsoprecious.

0ratherthanIwoulditsmother,

WereItotastesuchanother;ItshouldbemywishingThatImightdiewithkissing.

Bed.Imadethisditty,andthenotetoit,uponakissthatmyHonourgaveme;bowlikeyouit,sir?

Amo.Aprettyair;ingeneral..Ilikeitwell:butinparticular,yourlongdie-notedidarrideuiemost,butitwassomewhattoolong.Icanshowonealmostofthesamenature,butmuchbeforeit,andnotsolong,inacompositionofmineown.IthinkIhaveboththenoteanddittyaboutme.

Hed.Prayyou,sir,see.

Amo.Yes,thereisthenote;andalltheparts,ifImisthinknot.Iwillreadthedittytoyourbeautieshere;butfirstIamtomakeyoufamiliarwiththeoccasion,whichpresentsitselfthus.Uponatime,goingtotakemyleaveoftheemperor,andkisshisgreathands,therebeingthenpresentthekingsofFranceandArragon,thedukesofSavoy,Florence,Orleans,Bourbon,Brunswick,theLandgrave,countPalatine;allwhichhadseverallyfeastedme;besidesinfinitemoreofinferiorpersons,ascountsandothers;itwasmychance(theemperordetainedbysomeexorbitantaffair)towaithimthefifthpartofanhour,ormuchnearit.Inwhichtime,retiringmyselfintoabay-window,thebeauteousladyAnnabel,niecetotheempress,andsistertothekingofArragon,whohavingneverbeforeeyedme,butonlyheardthecommonreportofmyvirtue,learning,andtravel,fellintothatextremityofpassionformylove,thatshethereimmediatelyswooned:physiciansweresentfor,shehadtoherchamber,sotoherbed;where,languishingsomefewdays,aftermanytimescallinguponme,withmynameinherlips,sheexpired.Asthat(Imustmourninglysay)istheonlyfaultofmyfortune,that,asithatheverbeenmyhaptobesuedto,byallladiesandbeauties,whereIhavecome;soIneveryetsojourn'dorrestedinthatplaceorpartoftheworld,wheresomehigh-born,admirable,fairfeaturediednotformylove.

Mer.0,thesweetpoweroftravel!—Areyouguiltyofthis,Cupid?

Cup.No,Mercury,andthathispageCosknows,ifhewereherepresenttobesworn.

Phi.Buthowdoththisdrawontheditty,sir?

Mer.0,sheistooquickwithhim;hehathnotdevisedthatyet.

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Amo.Marry,somehourbeforeshedeparted,shebequeath'dtomethisglove:whichgoldenlegacy,theemperorhimselftookcaretosendafterme,insixcoaches,cover'dallwithblackvelvet,attendedbythestateofhisempire;allwhichhefreelypresentedmewith:andIreciprocally(outofthesamebounty)gavetothelordsthatbroughtit:onlyreservingthegiftofthedeceasedlady,uponwhichIcomposedthisode,andsetittomymostaffectedinstrument,thelyra.

Thoumorethanmostsweetglove,

Untomymoresweetlove,

Suffermetostorewithkisses

Thisemptylodging,thatnowmisses

Thepurerosyhand,thatwearthee,

Whiterthanthekidthatbarethee.

TJiouartsoft,butthatwassofter;

Cupid'sselfhathkiss'ditofter

Thane'erhedidhismother'sdoves.

Supposingherthequeenofloves,

Thatwasthymistress,BESTorGLOVES.

Mer.Blasphemy,blasphemy,Cupid!

Cup.I'llrevengeittimeenough,Hermes.

Phi.GoodAmorphus,let'shearitsung.

Amo.Icarenottoadmitthat,sinceitpleasethPhilautiatorequestit.

Hed.Here,sir.

.47710.Nay,playit,Iprayyou;youdowell,youdowell.—[Hesingsit.]—Howlikeyouit,sir?

Hed.Verywell,introth.

Amo.Butverywell!O,youareameremammothreptinjudgment,then.Why,doyounotobservehowexcellentlythedittyisaffectedineveryplace?thatIdonotmarryawordofshortquantitytoalongnote?noranascendingsyllabletoadescendingtone?Besides,uponthewordbestthere,youseehowIdoenterwithanoddminum,anddriveitthroughthebrief;whichnointelligentmusician,Iknow,butwillaffirmtobeveryrare,extraordinary,andpleasing.

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Mer.Andyetnotfittolamentthedeathofalady,forallthis.

Cup.Tut,herebetheywillswallowanything.

Pha.Prayyou,letmehaveacopyofit,Amorphus.

Phi.Andmetoo;introth,Ilikeitexceedingly.

Amo.Ihavedeniedittoprinces;nevertheless,toyou,thetruefemaletwinsofperfection,Iamwontodepartwithal.

Hed.Ihope,IshallhavemyHonour'scopy.

Pha.YouareAmbitiousinthat,Hedon.

Re-enterANAIDES.

Amo.Hownow,Anaides!whatisithathconjuredupthisdis-temperatureinthecircleofyourface?

Ana.Why,whathaveyoutodo?Apoxuponyourfilthytravellingface!holdyourtongue.

Hed.Nay,dosthear,Mischief?

Ana.Away,musk-cat!

Amo.Isaytotheethouartrude,debauch'd,impudent,coarse,unpolish'd,afrapler,andbase.

Hed.Heartofmyfather,whatastrangealterationhashalfayear'shauntingofordinarieswroughtinthisfellow!thatcamewith

_itufftaffatajerkintotownbuttheotherday,andapairofpenny-lesshose,andnowheisturn'dHercules,hewantsbutaclub.

Ana.Sir,youwiththepencilonyourchin;Iwillgartermyhosewithyourguts,andthatshallbeall.[Exit.

Mey.'Slid,whatrarefireworksbehere?flash,flash.

Pha.What'sthematter,Hedon?canyoutell?

Hed.Nothing,butthathelackscrowns,andthinkswe'lllendhimsometobefriends.

Re-enterAsoxusandMORIA,withMORUS.

Aso.Come,sweetlady,ingoodtruthI'llhaveit,youshallnotdenyme.Morus,persuadeyourauntImayhaveherpicture,byanymeans.

"Morus.Yea,Sir:goodauntnow,lethimhaveit,hewillusemethebetter;ifyoulovemedo,goodaunt.

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Mor.Well,tellhimheshallhaveit.

Morus.Master,youshallhaveit,shesays.

Aso.ShallI?thankher,goodpage.

Cup.What,hasheentertain'dthefool?

Mer.Ay,he'llwaitclose,youshallsee,thoughthebeggarhangoffawhile.

Morus.Aunt,mymasterthanksyou.

Mor.Callhimhither.

Moms.Yes;master.

Mor.Yes,inverity,andgavemethispurse,andhehaspromisedmeamostfinedog;whichhewillhavedrawnwithmypicture,hesays:anddesiresmostvehementlytobeknowntoyourladyships.

Pha.Callhimhither,'tisgoodgropingsuchagull.

Morus.MasterAsotus,masterAsotus!

Aso.Forlove'ssake,letmego:youseeIamcall'dtotheladies.

Arg.Wiltthouforsakeme,then?

Aso.Odsolwhatwouldyouhavemedo?

Mor.Comehither,masterAsotus.—Idoensureyourladyships,heisagentlemanofaveryworthydesert:andofamostbountifulnature.—Youmustshewandinsinuateyourselfresponsible,andequivalentnowtomycommendment.—Goodhonoursgracehim.

Aso.Iprotest,morethanmostfairladies,/dowishallvarietyofdivinepleasures,choicesports,sweetmusic,richfare,braveattire,softbeds,andsilkenthoughts,attendthesefairbeauties.Willitpleaseyourladyshiptowearthischainofpearl,andthisdiamond,formysake?

Arg.O!

Aso.Andyou,madam,thisjewelandpendants?

Arg.O!

Pha.Weknownothowtodeservethesebounties,outofsoslight

Pha.Andsoonaftertherevels,1willbestowagarteronyou.merit,Asotus.

Phi.No,infaith,butthere'smygloveforafavour.

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Aso.Olord,ladies1itismoregracethaneverIcouldhavehoped,

butthatitpleasethyourladyshipstoextend.Iprotestitis

enough,thatyoubuttakeknowledgeofmyifyourladyships

wantembroider'dgowns,tiresofanyfashion,rebatues,jewels,oroarcanets,anythingwhatsoever,ifyouvouchsafetoaccept—

Cup.Andforittheywillhelpyoutoshoe-ties,anddevices.

Aso.Icannotuttermyself,dearbeauties,butyoucanconceive—

Arg.0!

Pha.Sir,wewillacknowledgeyourservice,doubtnot—henceforth,youshallbenomoreAsotustous,butourgoldfinch,andweyourcages.

Aso.OVenus!madams!howshallIdeservethis?ifIwerebutmadeacquaintedwithHedon,now,—I'lltry:prayyou,away.

[ToArgurion.

Mer.Howhepraysmoneytogoawayfromhim.

Aso.Amorphus,awordwithyou;here'sawatchIwouldbestowuponyou,prayyoumakemeknowntothatgallant.

Amo.ThatIwill,sir.—MonsieurHedon,Imustentreatyoutoexchangeknowledgewiththisgentleman.

Bed.'Tisathing,nexttothewater,weexpect,Ithirstafter,sir.GoodmonsieurAsotus.

Aso.GoodmonsieurHedon,Iwouldbegladtobelovedofmenofyourrankandspirit,Iprotest.Pleaseyoutoacceptthispairofbracelets,sir;theyarenotworththebestowing—

Mer.0Hercules,howthegentlemanpurchases,thismustneedsbringArguriontoaconsumption.

Hed.Sir,Ishallneverstandinthemeritofsuchbounty,Ifear.

Aso.OVenus,sir;youracquaintanceshallbesufficient.And,ifatanytimeyouneedmybill,ormybond—

Arg.O!O![Swoons.

Amo.Helptheladythere!

Mor.Gods-dear,Argurion!madam,howdoyou?

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Arg.Sick.

Pha.Haveherforth,andgiveherair.

Aso.Icomeagainstraight,ladies.

[ExeuntAsotus,Morus,andArgurion.

Mer.Well,Idoubtallthephysichehaswillscarcerecoverher;she'stoofarspent.

Re-enterANAIDESwithGELAIA,PROSAITES,andCos,with

thebottles.

Phi.Ohere'sthewatercome;fetchglasses,page.

Gel.Heartofmybody,here'sacoil,indeed,withyourjealoushumours!nothingbutwhoreandbitch,andallthevillainousswaggeringnamesyoucanthinkon!'Slid,takeyourbottle,andputitinyourgutsforme,I'llseeyoupox'dereIfollowyouanylonger.

Ana.Nay,goodpunk,sweetrascal;dnme,ifIamjealous

now.

Gel.That'strue,indeed;praylet'sgo.

Mor.What'sthematterthere?

Gel.'Slight,hehasrneuponinterrogatories,(nay,raymothershallknowhowyouuseme,)whereIhavebeen?andwhyIshouldstaysolong,and,howis'tpossible?andwithalcallsmeathispleasureIknownothowmanycockatrices,andthings.

Mor.Intruthandsadness,thesearenogoodepitaphs,Anaides,tobestowuponanygentlewoman;andI'llensureyouifIhadknownyouwouldhavedealtthuswithmydaughter,sheshouldneverhavefanciedyousodeeplyasshehasdone.Goto.

Ana.Why,doyouhear,motherMoria?heart!

Mor.Nay,Iprayyou,sir,donotswear.

Ana.Swear!why?'sblood,Ihaveswornaforenow,Ihope.Bothyouandyourdaughtermistakeme.Ihavenothonour'dArete,thatisheldtheworthiestladyincourt,nexttoCynthia,withhalfthatobservanceandrespect,asIhavedoneherinprivate,howsoeveroutwardlyIhavecarriedmyselfcareless,andnegligent.Come,youareafoolishpunk,andknownotwhenyouarewellemployed.Kissme,comeon;doit,Isay.

Mor.Nay,indeed,Imustconfess,sheisapttomisprision.ButImusthaveyouleaveit,minion.

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Re-enterASOTTJS.

Amo.Hownow,Asotus!howdoesthelady?

Aso.Faith,ill.Ihaveleftmypagewithher,atherlodging.

Hed.O,here'stherarestwaterthateverwastasted:tillhimsome.

Pro.What!hasmymasteranewpage?

Mer.Yes,akinsmanoftheladyMoria's:youmustwaitbetternow,oryouarecashiered,Prosaites.

Ana.Come,gallants,youmustpardonmyfoolishhumour;whenIamangry,thatanythingcrossesme,Igrowimpatientstraight.Here,Idrinktoyou.

Phi.0,thatwehadfiveorsixbottlesmoreofthisliquor!

Pha.NowIcommendyourjudgment,Amorphus:—[knockingwithin.]Who'sthatknocks?look,page.[ExitCos.

Mor.0,mostdelicious;alittleofthiswouldmakeArgurionwell.

Pha.O,no,givehernocolddrink,byanymeans.

Ana.'Sblood,thiswateristhespiritofwine,I'llbehang'delse.

Re-enterCoswithARETE.

Cos.Here'stheladyArete,madam.

Are.What,atyourbever,gallants?

Mor.Will'tpleaseyourladyshiptodrink?'tisoftheNewFountainwater.

Are.NotI,Moria,Ithankyou.—firvllants,youareforthisnightfreetoyourpeculiardelights;Cynthiawillhavenosports:whensheispleasedtocomeforth,youshallhaveknowledge.Inthemeantime,Icouldwishyoudidprovideforsolemnrevels,and

someunlockedfordeviceofwit,toentertainher,againstsheshouldvouchsafetograceyourpastimeswithherpresence.

Amo.Whatsayyoutoamasque?

Hed.Nothingbetter,iftheprojectwerenewandrare.

Are.Why,I'llsendforCrites,andhavehisadvice:beyoureadyinyourendeavours:heshalldischargeyouoftheinventivepart.

Pha.Butwillnotyourladyshipstay?

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Are.Notnow,Phantaste.[Exit.

Phi.Lethergo,Iprayyou,goodladySobriety,Iamgladweareridofher.

Pha.Whatasetfacethegentlewomanhas,asshewerestillgoingtoasacrifice!

Phi.O,sheistheextractionofadozenofPuritans,foralook.

Mor.Ofallnymphsi'thecourt,Icannotawaywithher;'tisthecoarsestthing!

Phi.IwonderhowCynthiacanaffecthersoabovetherest.Herebetheyareeverywayasfairasshe,andathoughtfairer,Itrow.

Pha.Ay,andasingeniousandconceitedasshe.

Mor.Ay,andaspoliticasshe,forallshesetssuchaforeheadon't.

Phi.WouldIweredead,ifIwouldchangetobeCynthia.

Pha.OrI.

Mor.OrI.

Amo.Andthere'sherminion,Crites:whyhisadvicemorethanAmorphus?HavenotIinventionaforehim?learningtobetterthatinventionabovehim?andinfantedwithpleasanttravel—

Ana.Death,whattalkyouofhislearning?heunderstandsnomorethanaschoolboy;Ihaveputhimdownmyselfathousandtimes,bythisair,andyetInevertalk'dwithhimbuttwiceinmylife:youneversawhislike.Icouldnevergethimtoarguewithmebutonce;andthenbecauseIcouldnotconstrueanauthorIquotedatfirstsight,hewentaway,andlaughedatme.ByHercules,Iscornhim,asIdothesoddennymphthatwashereevennow,hismistress,Arete:andIlovemyselffornothingelse.

Hed.Iwonderthefellowdoesnothanghimself,beingthusscorn'dandcontemn'dofusthatareheldthemostaccomplish'dsocietyofgallants.

Mer.Byyourselves,noneelse.

Hed.Iprotest,ifIhadnomusicinme,nocourtship,thatIwerenotarevellerandcoulddance,orhadnotthoseexcellentqualitiesthatgiveamanlifeandperfection,butamerepoorscholarasheis,IthinkIshouldmakesomedesperatewaywithmyself;whereasnow,—wouldImightneverbreathemore,ifIdoknowthatcreatureinthiskingdomwithwhomIwouldchange.

Cup.Thisisexcellent!Well,Imustalterallthissoon.

Mer.Lookyoudo,Cupid.Thebottleshavewrought,itseems.

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.450.0,Iamsorrytherevelsarecrost.Ishouldhavetickleditsoon.Ididneverappeartillthen.'Slid,Iamtheneatliest-made

gallanti'thecompany,andhavethebestpresence;andmy

dancingwell,IknowwhatourushersaidtomelasttimeI

wasattheschool:WouldImighthaveledPhilautiainthemeasures,anithadbeenthegods'will!Iammostworthy,Iamsure.

Re-enterMORUS.

Morus.Master,Icantellyounews;theladykissedmej^onder,andplayedwithme,andsaysshelovedyouonceaswellasshedoesme,butthatyoucastheroff.

Aso.Peace,mymostesteemedpage.

Morus.Yes.

Aso.Whatluckisthis,thatourrevelsaredash'd,nowwasIbeginningtoglisterintheveryhighwayofpreferment.AnCynthiahadbutseenmedanceastrain,ordobutonetrick,Ihadbeenkeptincourt,Ishouldneverhaveneededtolooktowardsmyfriendsagain.

Amo.Containyourself,youwereafortunateyoungman,ifyouknewyourowngood;whichIhavenowprojected,andwillpresentlymultiplyuponyou.Beautiesandvalours,yourvouchsafedapplausetoamotion.ThehumorousCynthiahath,forthisnight,withdrawnthelightofyourdelight.

Pha.'Tistrue,Amorphus;whatmaywedotoredeemit?

Amo.Redeemthatwecannot,buttocreateanewflameisinourpower.Hereisagentleman,myscholar,whom,forsomeprivatereasonsmespeciallymoving,Iamcovetoustogratifywithtitleofmasterinthenobleandsubtilescienceofcourtship:forwhichgrace,heshallthisnight,incourt,andinthelonggallery,holdhispublicact,byopenchallenge,toallmastersofthemysterywhatsoever,toplayatthefourchoiceandprincipalweaponsthereof,viz.,theBareAccost,theBetterRegard,theSolemnAddress,andthePerfectClose.Whatsayyou?

All.Excellent,excellent,Amorphus.

Amo.Well,letusthentakeourtimebytheforehead:Iwillinstantlyhavebillsdrawn,andadvancedineveryangleofthecourt.—Sir,betraynotyourtoomuchjoy.—Anaides,wemustmixthisgentlemanwithyouinacquaintance,monsieurAsotus.

Ana.Iameasilyentreatedtograceanyofyourfriends,Amorphus.

Aso.Sir,andhisfriendsshalllikewisegraceyou,sir.Nay,Ibegintoknowmyselfnow.

Amo.O,youmustcontinueyourbounties.

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Aso.MustI?Why,I'llgivehimthisrubyonmyfinger.Doyouhear,sir?Idoheartilywishyouracquaintance,andIpartlyknowmyselfworthyofit;pleaseyou,sir,toacceptthispoorrul>vinaring,sir.Thepoesyisofmyowndevice,Letthisblushforme,sir.

Ana.Soitmustformetoo,forIamnotashnm'dtotakeit.

Morus.Sweetman!Bymytroth,master,Iloveyou;willyoulovemetoo,formyaunt'ssake?I'llwaitwell,youshallsee.I'll

stillbehere.WouldImightneverstir,butyouareafinemanintheseclothes;master,shallIhavethemwhenyouhavedonewiththem?

Aso.Asforthat,Morus,thoushaltseemorehereafter;inthemeantime,bythisair,orbythisfeather,I'lldoasmuchforthee,asanygallantshalldoforhispage,whatsoever,inthiscourt,corneroftheworld,orkingdom.[ExeuntallbutthePages.

Mer.Iwonderthisgentlemanshouldaffecttokeepafool:methinkshemakessportenoughwithhimself.

Cup.Well,Prosaites,'tweregoodyoudidwaitcloser.

Pro.Ay,I'lllooktoit;'tistime.

Cos.Therevelswouldhavebeenmostsumptuousto-night,iftheyhadgoneforward.[Exit.

Mer.Theymustneeds,whenallthechoicestsingularitiesofthecourtwereupinpantofles;ne'eraoneofthembutwasabletomakeawholeshowofitself.

Aso.[within.]Sirrah,atorch,atorch!

Pro.O,whatacallisthere!Iwillhaveacanzonetmade,withnothinginitbutsirrah;andtheburthenshallbe,Icome.[Exit.

Mer.Hownow,Cupid,howdoyoulikethischange?

Cup.Faith,thethreadofmydeviceiscrack'd,Imaygosleeptilltherevellingmusicawakeme.

Mer.Andthen,too,Cupid,withoutyouhadpreventedthefountain.Alas,poorgod,thatremembersnotself-lovetobeproofagainsttheviolenceofhisquiver!Well,Ihaveaplotagainsttheseprizers,forwhichImustpresentlyfindoutCrites,andwithhisassistancepursueittoahighstrainoflaughter,orMercuryhathlostofhismetal.[Exeunt.

ACTV

SCENEI.—Thesame.EnterMERCURYandCRITES.

Mer.Itisresolvedon,Crites,youmustdoit.

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Cri.ThegracedivinestMercuryhathdoneme,Inthisvouchsafeddiscoveryofhimself,BindsmyobservanceintheutmosttermOfsatisfactiontohisgodlywill:ThoughIprofess,withouttheaffectationOfanenforcedandform'dausterity,IcouldbewillingtoenjoynoplaceWithsounequalnatures.

Mer.Webelieveit.

Butforoursake,andtoinflictjustpainsOntheirprodigiousfollies,aidusnow:Nomanispresentlymadebadwithill.Andgoodmen,likethesea,shouldstillmaintain

Theirnobletaste,inmidstofallfreshhumoursThatflowaboutthem,tocorrupttheirstreams,Bearingnoseason,muchlesssaltofgoodness.Itisourpurpose,Crites,tocorrect,Andpunish,withourlaughter,thisnight'ssport,Whichourcourt-dorssoheartilyintend:

«/

Andbythatworthyscorn,tomakethemknow

Howfarbeneaththedignityofman

Theirseriousandmostpractisedactionsare.

Cri.Ay,butthoughMercurycanwarrantoutHisundertakings,andmakeallthingsgood,Outofthepowersofhisdivinity,Th'offencewillbereturn'dwithweightonme,Thatamacreaturesodespisedandpoor;WhenthewholecourtshalltakeitselfabusedByourironicalconfederacy.

Mer.Youaredeceived.Thebetterraceincourt,Thathavethetruenobilitycall'dvirtue,Willapprehendit,asagratefulrightDonetotheirseparatemerit;andapproveThefitrebukeofsoridiculousheads,Who,withtheirapishcustomsandforcedgarbs,Wouldbringthenameofcourtierincontempt,Diditnotliveunblemish'dinsomefew,WhomequalJovehathloved,andPhoebusform'dOfbettermetal,andinbettermould.

Cri.Well,sincemyleader-onisMercury,Ishallnotfeartofollow.IfIfall,Mypropervirtueshallbemyrelief,Thatfollow'dsuchacause,andsuchachief.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterAsoxusandAMORPHTTS.

Aso.Nomore,ifyouloveme,goodmaster;youareincompatibletolivewithal:sendmefortheladied!

Amo.Nay,butintendme.

Aso.Fearmenot;Iwarrantyou,sir.

Amo.Rendernotyourselfarefractoryonthesudden.Icanallow,well,youshouldreputehighly,heartily,andtothemost,ofyourownendowments;itgivesyouforthtotheworldthemoreassured:butwithreservationofaneye,tobealwaysturn'ddutifullybackuponyourteacher.

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Aso.Nay,goodsir,leaveittome.Trustmewithtrussingallthepointsofthisaction,Ipray.'Slid,Ihopeweshalliindwittoperformthescienceaswellasanother.

Amo.Iconfessyoutobeofanaptflanddoriblehumour.Yettherearecertainpunctilios,or(asImaymorenakedlyinsinuatethem)certainintrinsecatestrokesandwards,towhichyouractivity

isnotyetamounted,asyourgentledorincolours.Forsupposition,yourmistressappearshereinprize,ribandedwithgreenandyellow;now,itisthepartofeveryobsequiousservant,tobesuretohavedailyabouthimcopyandvarietyofcolours,tobepresentlyanswerabletoanyhourlyorhalf-hourlychangeinhismistress'srevolution—

Aso.Iknowit,sir.

Amo.Giveleave,Iprayyou—wnich,ifyourantagonist,orplayeragainstyou,shallignorantlybewithout,andyourselfcanproduce,yougivehimthedor.

Aso.Ay,ay,sir.

Amo.Or,ifyoucanpossessyouropposite,thatthegreenyourmistresswears,isherrejoicingorexultationinhisservice;theyellow,suspicionofhistruth,fromherheightofaffection:andthathe,greenlycredulous,shallwithdrawthus,inprivate,andfromtheabundanceofhispocket(todisplaceherjealousconceit)stealintohishatthecolour,whosebluenessdothexpresstrueness,shebeingnotso,norsoaffected;yougivehimthedor.

Aso.DonotIknowit,sir?

Amo.Nay,rgoodswellnotaboveyourunderstanding.There

isyetathirddorincolours.

Aso.Iknowittoo,Iknowit.

Amo.Doyouknowittoo?whatisit?makegoodyourknowledge.

Aso.Whyitisnomatterforthat.

Amo.Doit,onpainofthedor.

Aso.Why;whatis't,sayyou?

Amo.Lo,youhavegivenyourselfthedor.ButIwillremonstratetoyouthethirddor,whichisnot,asthetwoformerdors,indicative,butdeliberative:ashow?asthus.Yourrivalis,withadutifulandseriouscare,lyinginhisbed,meditatinghowtoobservehismistress,dispatchethhislacqueytothechamberearly,toknowwhathercoloursarefortheday,withpurposetoapplyhiswearthatdayaccordingly:youlaywaitbefore,preoccupythechambermaid,corrupthertoreturnfalsecolours;hefollowsthefallacy,comesoutaccoutredtohisbelievedinstructions;yourmistresssmiles,andyougivehimthedor.

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Aso.Why,soItoldyou,sir,Iknewit.

Amo.Toldme!Itisastrangeoutrecuidance,yourhumourtoomuchredoimdeth.

Aso.Why,sir,what,doyouthinkyouknowmore?

Amo.Iknowthatacookmayassoonandproperlybesaidtosmellwell,asyoutobewise.Iknowthesearemostclearandcleanstrokes.Butthen,youhaveyourpassagesandimbrocatasincourtship;asthebitterbobinwit;thereverseinfaceorwry-mouth;andthesemoresubtileandsecureoffenders.Iwillexampleuntoyou:Youropponentmakesentryasyouareengagedwithyourmistress.Youseeinghim,closeinherearwiththiswhisper,Herecomesyourbaboon,disgracehim;andwithalstepping

off,fallonhisbosom,andturningtoher,politicly,aloudsay,Lady,regardthisnoblegentleman,amanrarelyparted,secondtononeinthiscourt;andthen,stoopingoverhisshoulder,yourhandonhisbreast,yourmouthonhisbackside,yougivehimthereversestroke,withthissanna,orstork's-bill,whichmakesupyourwit'sbobmostbitter.

Aso.Nay,forheaven'ssake,teachmenomore.Iknowallas

well'Slid,ifIdidnot,whywasInominated?whydidyouchoose

me?whydidtheladiesprickoutme?Iamsuretherewereothergallants.Butmeofalltherest!Bythatlight,and,asIamacourtier,wouldImightneverstir,but'tisstrange.Wouldtothelordtheladieswouldcomeonce!

EnterMORPHIDES.

Morp.Signior,thegallantsandladiesareathand.Areyouready,sir?

Amo.Instantly.Go,accomplishyourattire:[ExitAsotus.]CousinMorphides,assistmetomakegoodthedoorwithyourofficioustyranny.

Citizen,[within.']Byyourleave,mymastersthere,prayyoulet'scomeby.

Pages,[within.]Youby!whyshouldyoucomebymorethanwe?

Citizen'sWife,[within.]Why,sir!becauseheismybrotherthatplaystheprizes.

Morp.Yourbrother!

Citizen,[within.']Ay,herbrother,sir,andwemustcomein.

Tailor,[within.'}Why,whatareyou?

Citizen,[within.]Iamherhusband,sir.

Tailor,[within.']Thenthrustforwardyourhead.

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Amo.Whattumultisthere?

Morp.Who'sthere?bearbackthere!Standfromthedoor!

Amo.Enternonebuttheladiesandtheirhang-byes.—

EnterPHANTASTE,PHILAUTIA,ARGTJRION,MORIA,HEDON,

andANAIDES,introducingtwoLadies.Welcomebeauties,andyourkindshadows.

Hed.Thiscountrylady,myfriend,goodsigniorAmorphus.Ana.Andmycockatricehere.Amo.Sheiswelcome.

TheCitizen,andhisWife,Pages,etc.,appearatthedoor.

Morp.Knockthosesamepagesthere;and,gooduiancoxcombthecitizen,whowouldyouspeakwithal'.'

Wife.-Mybrother.

Amo.Withwhom?yourbrother!

Morp.Whoisyourbrother?

Wife.MasterAsotus.

Amo.MasterAsotus!isheyourlirolhor?heistakenupwithgreatpersons;heisnottoknowyouto-night.

Re-enterASOTUShastily.

Aso.0Jove,master!antherecomee'eracitizengentlewomaninmyname,letherhaveentrance,Iprayyou:itismysister.Wife.Brother!

Cit.[thrustingin.]Brother,masterAsotus!Aso.Who'sthere?Wife.'TisI,brother.

Aso.Godsme,theresheis!goodmaster,intrudeher.Morp.Makeplace!bearbackthere!

EnterCitizen'sWife.

Amo.Knockthatsimplefellowthere.

Wife.Nay,goodsir,itismyhusband.

Morp.Thesimplerfellowhe.—Away!backwithyourhead,sir!

[PushestheCitizenback.

Aso.Brother,youmustpardonyournon-entry:husbandsarenotallow'dhere,intruth.I'llcomehomesoonwithmysister;prayyoumeetuswithalantern,brother.Bemerry,sister;I

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shallmakeyoulaughanon.[Exit.

Pha.Yourprizerisnotready,Amorphus.

Amo.Apprehendyourplaces;heshallbesoon,andatallpoints.

Ana.Isthereanybodycometoanswerhim?shallwehaveanysport?

Amo.Sportofimportance;howsoever,givemethegloves.

Hed.Gloves!whygloves,signior?

Phi.What'stheceremony?

Amo.[distributinggloves.]Besidetheirreceivedfitness,atallprizes,theyarehereproperlyaccommodatetothenuptialsofmyscholar's'haviourtotheladyCourtship.Pleaseyouapparelyourhands.MadamPhantaste,madamPhilautia,guardian,signiorHedon,signiorAnaides,gentlemenall,ladies.

All.Thanks,goodAmorphus.

Amo.Iwillnowcallforthmyprovost,andpresenthim.[Exit.

Ana.Heart!whyshouldnot.webemastersaswellashe?

Hed.That'strue,andplayourmasters'prizesaswellasthet'other?

Mor.Insadness,forusingyourcourt-weapons,methinksyoumay.

Pha.Nay,butwhyshouldnotweladiesplayourprizes,Ipray?Iseenoreasonbutweshouldtakethemdownattheirownweapons.

Phi.Troth,andsowemay,ifwehandlethemwell.

Wife.Ay,indeed,forsooth,madam,if'twereinthecity,wewouldthinkfoulscornbutwewould,forsooth.

Pha.Prayyou,whatshouldwecallyourname?

Wife.MynameisDownfall.

Hed.GoodmistressDownfall!Iamsorryyourhusbandcouldnotgetin.

Wife.'Tisnomatterforhim,sir.

Ana.No,no,shehasthemorelibertyforherself.[.4flourish.Pha.Peace,peace!theycome.

Re-enterAMORPHUS,introducingASOTUSinafull-dresssuit.

Amo.So,keepupyourruff;thetinctureofyourneckisnotallsopure,butitwillaskit.

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Maintainyoursprigupright;yourclokeonyourhalf-shoulderfalling;so:Iwillreadyourbill,advanceit,andpresentyou.—Silence!

Beitknowntoallthatprofesscourtship,bythesepresents(fromthewhite,satinreveller,totheclothoftissueandbodkin)thatwe,Ulysses-Polytropus-Amorphus,masterofthenobleandsubtilescienceofcourtship,dogiveleaveandlicencetoourprovost,Acolastus-Polypragmon-Asotus,toplayhismaster'sprize,againstallmasterswhatsoever,inthissubtilemystery,atthesefour,thechoiceandmostcunningweaponsofcourt-compliment,viz.theBAREACCOST;theBETTERREGARD;theSOLEMNADDRESS;andthePERFECTCLOSE.Thesearethereforetogivenoticetoallcomers,thathe,thesaidAcolastus-Polypragmon-Asotus,isherepresent(bythehelpofhismercer,tailor,milliner,sempster,andsoforth)athisdesignedhour,inthisfairgallery,thepresentdayofthispresentmonth,toperformanddohisuttermostfortheachievementandbearingawayoftheprizes,whicharethese:viz.FortheBareAccost,twowall-eyesinafaceforced:fortheBetterRegard,afacefavourablysimpering,withafanwaving:fortheSolemnAddress,twolipswagging,andneverawiseword:forthePerfectClose,awringbythehand,withabanquetinacorner.AndPhoebussaveCynthiaI

Appearethnomanyet,toanswertheprizer?novoice?—Music,givethemtheirsummons.[Music.

Pha.Thesolemnityofthisisexcellent.

Amo.Silence!Well,Iperceiveyournameistheirterror,andkeepeththemback.

Aso.I'faith,master,let'sgo;nobodycomes.Victus,victa,victum;victi,victce,victilet'sberetrograde.

Amo.Stay.Thatweredispuncttotheladies.Ratherourselfshallbeyourencounter.Takeyourstateuptothewall;and,lady,[leadingMoriatothestate.]mayweimploreyoutostandforth,asfirsttermorboundtoourcourtship.

Hed.'Foreheaven,'twillshewrarely.

Amo.Soundacharge.[Acharge.

Ana.Apoxon't!Yourvulgarwillcountthisfabulousandimpudentnow:bythatcandle,they'llneverconceitit.

[TheyacttheirAccostseverallytoMoria.

Pha.Excellentwell!admirable!

Phi.Peace!

Hed.Mostfashionably,bflicv*-it.

Phi.0,heisawell-spokengentleman.

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Pha.\o\\-theother.

Phi.Verygood.

Hed.Forascholar,Honour.

Ana.O,'tistooDutch.Hereelstoomuch.[Aflourish.

Hed.Thisweaponisdone.

Amo.No,wehaveourtwoboutsateveryweapon;expect.Cri.[ivithin.]Wherebethesegallants,andtheirbraveprizeihere?

Morp.Who'sthere?bearback;keepthedoor.

EnterCRITES,introducingMERCURYfantasticallydressed.

Amo.Whatareyou,sir?

Cri.Byyourlicense,grand-master.—Comeforward,sir.

[ToMercury.

Ana.Heart!wholetinthatragthereamongstus?Puthimout,animpecuniouscreature.

Hed.Outwithhim.

Morp.Come,sir.

Amo.Youmustberetrograde.

Cri.Soft,sir,Iamtruchman,anddoflourishbeforethismonsieur,orFrench-behavedgentleman,here;whoisdrawnhitherbyreportofyourchartels,advancedincourt,toprovehisfortunewithyourprizer,sohemayhavefairplayshewnhim,andthelibertytochoosehisstickler.

Amo.Isheamaster?

Cri.That,sir,hehastoshewhere;andconfirmedunderthehandsofthemostskilfulandcunningco-mplimentariesalive:Pleaseyouread,sir.{Giveshimacertificate.

Amo.Whatshallwedo?

Ana.Death!disgracethisfellowintheblackstuff,whateveryoudo.

Amo.Why,buthecomeswiththestranger.

Hed.That'snomatter:heisourowncountryman.

Ana.Ay,andheisascholarbesides.Youmaydisgracehimherewithauthority.

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Amo.Well,seethesefirst.

Aso.NowshallIbeobservedbyyonscholar,tillIsweatagain;IwouldtoJoveitwereover.

Cri.[toMercury.}Sir,thisisthewightofworth,thatdaresyoutotheencounter.Agentlemanofsopleasingandridiculousacarriage;as,evenstanding,carriesmeatinthemouth,yousee;and,Iassureyou,althoughnobredcourtling,yetamostparticularman,ofgoodlyhavings,well-fashion'd'haviour,andofashardenedandexcellentabarkasthemostnaturallyqualifiedamongstthem,inform'd,reform'd,andtransform'd,fromhisoriginalcitycism;bythiselixir,ormeremagazineofman.And,foryourspectators,youbeholdthemwhattheyare:themostchoiceparticularsincourt:thistellstaleswell;thisprovidescoaches;thisrepeatsjests;thispresentsgifts;thisholdsupthearras;thistakesdownfromhorse;thisprotestsbythislight;thisswearsbythatcandle;thisdelighteth;thisadoreth:yetallbutthreemen.Then,for

yourladies,themostproud,wittycreatures,allthingsapprehending,nothingunderstanding,perpetuallylaughing,curiousmaintainersoffools,mercers,andminstrels,costlytobekept,miserablykeeping,alldisdainingbuttheirpainterandapothecary,'twixtwhomandthemthereisthisreciprockcommerce,theirbeautiesmaintaintheirpainters,andtheirpainterstheirbeauties.

Mer.Sir,youhaveplaidthepainteryourself,andlimn'dthemtothelife.Idesiretodeservebeforethem.

Amo.[returningthecertificate.']Thisisauthentic.Wemustresolvetoentertainthemonsieur,howsoeverweneglecthim.

Hed.Come,let'sallgotogether,andsalutehim.

Ana.Content,andnotlookontheother.

Amo.Welldevised;andamostpunishingdisgrace.

Hed.On.

Amo.Monsieur,wemustnotsomuchbetrayourselvestodis-courtship,astosufferyoutobelongerunsaluted:pleaseyoutousethestateordain'dfortheopponent;inwhichnature,withoutenvy,wereceiveyou.

Hed.Andembraceyou.

Ana.Andcommendustoyou,sir.

Phi.Believeit,heisamanofexcellentsilence.

Pha.Hekeepsallhiswitforaction.

Ana.Thishathdiscountenancedourscholaris,mostrichly.

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Hed.Outofallemphasis.Themonsieurseesweregardhimnot.

Amo.Holdon;makeitknownhowbitterathingitisnottobelook'donincourt.

Hed.'Slud,willhecallhimtohimyet!Doesnotmonsieurperceiveourdisgrace?

Ana.Heart!heisafool,Isee.Wehavedoneourselveswrongtogracehim.

Hed.'Slight,whatanasswasItoembracehim!

Cri.Illustriousandfearfuljudges—

Hed.Turnaway,turnaway.

Cri.Itisthesuitofthestrangeopponent(towhomyououghtnottoturnyourtails,andwhosenosesImustfollow)thathemayhavethejustice,beforeheencounterhisrespectedadversary,toseesomelightstrokeofhisplay,commencedwithsomeother.

Hed.Answernothim,butthestranger;wewillnotbelievehim.

Amo.Iwilldemandhim,myself.

Cri.Odreadfuldisgrace,ifamanweresofoolishtofeelit.

Amo.Isityoursuit,monsieur,toseesomepreludeofmyscholar?Now,surethemonsieurwantslanguage—

Hed.Andtakeuponhimtobeoneoftheaccomplished!'Slight,that'sagoodjest;wouldwecouldtakehimwiththatnullity.—Nonsapetevoiparlar*Italian<>*

Ana.'Sfoot,thecarphasnotongue.

Cri.Signior,incourtship,youaretobidyourabettorsforbear,andsatisfythemonsieur'srequest.

Amo.Well,Iwillstrikehimmoresilentwithadmiration,andterrifyhisdaringhither.Heshallbeholdmyownplaywithmyscholar.Lady,withthetouchofyourwhitehand,letmereinstateyou.[LeadsMoriabacktothestate.]Provost,[toAsotus.]begintomeattheBareAccost.[Acharge.]Now,forthehonourofmydiscipline.

Bed.SigniorAmorphus,reflect,reflect;whatmeanshebythatmouthedwave?

Cri.Heisinsomedistasteofyourfellowdisciple.

Mer.Signior,yourscholarmighthaveplayedwellstill,ifhecouldhavekepthisseatlonger;Ihaveenoughofhim,now.Heisamerepieceofglass,Iseethroughhimbythistime.

Amo.Youcomenottogiveusthescorn,monsieur?

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Mer.Nortobefrightedwithaface,signior.Ihaveseenthelions.Youmustpardonme.Ishallbelothtohazardareputationwithonethathasnotareputationtolose.

Amo.How!

Cri.Meaningyourpupil,sir.

Ana.Thisisthatblackdevilthere.

Amo.Youdoofferastrangeaffront,monsieur.

Cri.Sir,heshallyieldyouallthehonourofacompetentadversary,ifyoupleasetoundertakehim.

Mer.Iamprestfortheencounter.

Amo.Me!challengeme!

Aso.What,mymaster,sir!'Slight,monsieur,meddlewithme,doyouhear:butdonotmeddlewithmymaster.

Mer.Peace,goodsquib,goout.

Cri.Andstink,hebidsyou.

Aso.Master!

Amo.Silence!Idoaccepthim.Sityoudownandobserve.Me!heneverprofestathingatmorecharges.—Prepareyourself,sir.—Challengeme!Iwillprosecutewhatdisgracemyhatredcandictatetome.

Cri.Howtenderatraveller'sspleenis!Comparisontomenthatdeserveleast,isevermostoffensive.

Amo.Youareinstructedinourchartel,andknowourweapons?

Mer.Iappearnotwithouttheirnotice,sir.

Aso.ButmustIlosetheprizes,master?

Amo.Iwillwinthemforyou;bepatient.—Lady,[toMoria.]vouchsafethetenureofthisensign.—Whoshallbeyourstickler?

Mer.Beholdhim.[PointstoCrites.

Amo.Iwouldnotwishyouaweaker.—Sound,musics.—1provokeyouattheBareAccost.[Actiarge.

Pha.Excellentcomely!

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Cri.Andworthilystudied.Thisistheexaltedforetop.

Bed.0,hislegwastoomuchproduced.

Ana.Andhishatwascarriedscurvily.

Phi.Peace;let'sseethemonsieur'sAccost:Rare!

Pha.Sprightlyandshort.

Ana.True,itistheFrenchcourteau:helacksbuttohavehisnoseslit.

Bed.Hedoeshop.Hedoesboundtoomuch.[Aflourish.

Amo.Thesecondbout,toconcludethisweapon.[Acharge.

Pha.Good,believeit!

Phi.Anexcellentoffer!

Cri.Thisiscalledthesolemnband-string.

Hed.Foh,thatcringewasnotputhome.

Ana.Hemakesafacelikeastabb'dLucrece.

Aso.Well,hewouldneedstakeituponhim,butwonIdIhaddoneitforallthis.Hemakesmesitstillhere,LikeababoonasIam.

Cri.Makingvillainousfaces.

Phi.See,theFrenchpreparesitrichly.

Cri.Ay,thisisyclepedtheSeriousTrifle.

Ana.'Slud,'tisthehorse-startouto'thebrownstudy.

Cri.Ratherthebird-eyedstroke,sir.Yourobservanceistooblunt,sir.[Aflourish.

Amo.Judges,awardtheprize.Takebreath,sir.Thisbouthathbeenlaborious.

Aso.Andyetyourcritic,oryourbesogno,willthinkthesethingsfoppery,andeasy,now!

Cri.Orrathermerelunacy.Forwouldanyreasonablecreaturemakethesehisseriousstudiesandperfections,muchless,onlylivetotheseends?tobethefalsepleasureofafew,thetrueloveofnone,andthejustlaughterofall?

Hed.Wemustpreferthemonsieur,wecourtiersmustbepartial.

Ana.Speak,guardian.Nametheprize,attheBareAccost.

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Mor.Apairofwall-eyesinafaceforced.

Ana.Givethemonsieur.Amorphushathlosthiseyes.

Amo.IIIsthepalateofyourjudgmentdown?Gentles,Idoappeal.

Aso.Yes,master,tome:thejudgesbefools.

Ana.Hownow,sirltieupyourtongue,mungrel.Hecannotappeal.

Aso.Say,yousir?

Ana.Sityoustill,sir.

Aso.Why,soIdo;donotI,Iprayyou?

Mer.Remercie,madame,andthesehonourablecensors.

Amo.Well,tothesecondweapon,theBetterRegard.Iwillencounteryoubetter.Attempt.

Hed.SweetHonour.

Phi.WhatsaysmygoodAmbition?

Hed.Whichtakeyouatthisnextweapon?IlayaDiscretionwithyouonAmorphus'shead.

Phi.Why,ItaketheFrench-behavedgentleman.

Hed.'Tisdone,aDiscretion.

Cri.ADiscretion!Aprettycourt-wager1Wouldanydiscreetpersonhazardhiswitso?

jj

Pha.I'lllayaDiscretionwithyou,Anaides.

Ana.Hang'em,I'llnotventureadoitofDiscretiononeitheroftheirheads.

Cri.Xo,heshouldventureallthen.

Ana.Ilikenoneoftheirplays.[Acharge.

B-:d.See,see!thisisstrangeplay!

Ana.Tistoofullofuncertainmotion.Hehobblestoomuch.

Cri.'Tiscall'dyourcourt-staggers,sir.

Bed.Thatsamefellowtalkssonowhehasaplace!

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Ana.Hanghim!neglecthim.

Mer.Yourgoodladyship'saffectioned.

Wife.Odsso!theyspeakatthisweapon,brother.

Aso.Theymustdoso,sister;howshoulditbetheBetterRegard,else?

Pha.Methinkshedidnotthisrespectivelyenough.

Phi.Why,themonsieurbutdallieswithhim.

Bed.Dallies!'Slight,see!he'llputhimto'tinearnest.—Welldone,Amorphus!

Ana.Thatpuffwasgoodindeed,

Cri.Odsme!thisisdesperateplay:hehitshimselfo'theshins.

Red.Anhemakethisgoodthrough,hecarriesit,Iwarranthim.

Cri.Indeedhedisplayshisfeetrarely.

Bed.See,see!hedoestherespectiveleerdamnablywell.

Amo.Thetrueidolaterofyourbeautiesshallneverpasstheirdeitiesunadored:/restyourpoorknight.

Bed.See,nowtheobliqueleer,ortheJanus:hesatisfiesallwiththataspectmostnobly.[Aflourish.

Cri.Andmostterriblyhecomesoff;likeyourrodomontade.

Pha.Howlikeyouthisplay,Anaides?

Ana.Goodplay;but'tistooroughandboisterous.

Amo.Iwillseconditwithastrokeeasier,whereinIwillprovehislanguage.[Acharge.

Ana.Thisisfilthy,andgrave,now.

Bed.O,'tiscoolandwaryplay.Wemustnotdisgraceourowncameradetoomuch.

Amo.Signora,hotantoobligoperlefavoreresciutodalei;chereramentede-siderocontuttoilcore,aremunerarlainparte:esicura-tive,signorameacara,chetoserasempreprontoaservirla,eJionorarla.Ba.sciohmanedero1signoria.

Cri.TheVenetiandopthis.

Pha.Mostunexpectedlyexcellent!TheFrenchgoesdowncertain.

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Aso.Asbucketsareputdownintoawell;Orasaschool-boy—

Cri.Trussupyoursimile,jack-daw,andobserve.

Bed.Xowthemonsieurismoved.

Ana.Bo-peep!

Bed.0,mostantick.

Cri.TheFrenchquirk,thissir.

Ana.Heart,hewillover-ranher.

Mer.Madvmoyselle,Jevoudroyquepouroymongerrr.onaffection,

maisjesui-stantmalheureuse,cifroid,cilayd,ciJenescay

quidedireexcusemoi,Jesui-stouti:o-:tre.-flouri^a.

Phi.0braveandspirited!he'sarightJovial:--.

Pha.No,no:Amorphus'sgravityoutweighsit.

Cri.Andyetvourlady,oryourfeather,wouldoutweighboth.

Ana.What'stheprize,lady,atthisBetterRegard?

Mor.Afacefavourablysimpering,andafanwaving.

Ana.Theyhavedonedoubtfully.Divide.Givethefavourablefacetothesignior,andthelightwavetothemonsieur.

Amo.Youbecomethesimperwell,lady.

Mer.Andthewagbetter.

Amo.Xow,toourSolemnAddress.Pleasethewell-gracedPhilautiatorelievetheladysentinel;shehathstoodlong.

Phi.Withallmyheart;come,guardian,resignyourplace.

[Mariacome-?fromthestate.

Amo.Monsieur,furnishyourselfwithwhatsolemnityofornamentyouthinkfitforthisthirdweapon;atwhichyouaretoshewallthecunningofstrokeyourdevotioncanpossiblydevise.

Mer.Letmealone,sir.I'llsufficientlydecipheryouramoroussolemnities.—Crites,havepatience.See,ifIhitnotalltheirpracticobservance,withwhichtheylimetwigstocatchtheirfantasticlady-birds.

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Cri.Ay,butyoushoulddomorecharitablytodoitmoreopenly,thattheymightdiscoverthemselvesmock'dinthesemonstrousaffections.[Acharge.

Mer.Lackey,where'sthetailor?

EnterTailor,Barber,Perfumer,Milliner,Jeweller,a

Feather-maker.

Tai.Here,sir.

H<:d.See.theyhavetheirtailor,barber,perfumer,milliner,jeweller,feather-maker,allincommon!

[Theymakethemselvesreadyonthestage.

Ana.Ay.thisispretty.

Amo.Hereisahairtoomuch,takeitoff.Wherearethymullets?

Mer.Isthispinkofequalproportiontothiscut,standingoffthisdistancefromit?

Tai.Thatitis.sir.

Mer.Isitso,sir?Youimpudentpoltroon,youslave,you!youshreds,you—[BeatstheTa

//•'/.Excellent!Thiswasthebestyet.

Ana.Why,wemustuseourtailorsthus:thisisourtruemagnanimity.

Mtr.Come,goto,puton;wemustbearwithyouk<rthetinBake.

Amo.Istheperfumerichinthisjerkin?

Per.Taste,smell;Iassureyou,sir,purebenjamin,theonlyspiritedscentthateverawakedaNeapolitannostril.Youwouldwishyourselfallnosefortheloveon't.Ifrottedajerkinforanew-revenuedgentlemanyieldedmethree-scorecrownsbutthismorning,andthesametitillation.

Amo.Isavournosampsuchineinit.

Per.IamaNulli-fidian,iftherebenotthree-thirdsofascruplemoreofsampsuchinuminthisconfection,thaneverIputinany.I'lltellyoualltheingredients,sir.

Amo.Youshallbesimpletodiscoveryoursimples.

Per.Simple!why,sir?WhatreckItowhomIdiscover?Ihaveinitmusk,civet,amber,Phcenicobalanus,thedecoctionofturmerick,sesana,nard,spikenard,calamusodoratus,stacte,opobalsamum,amomum,storax,ladanum,aspalathum,opoponax,oenanthe.And

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whatofallthesenow?whatareyouthebetter?Tut,itisthesorting,andthedividing,andthemixing,andthetempering,andthesearching,andthedecocting,thatmakesthefumigationandthesuffumigation.

Amo.Well,induemewithit.

Per.Iwill,sir.

Hed.Anexcellentconfection.

Cri.Andmostworthyatruevoluptuary,Jove!whatacoilthesemusk-wormstaketopurchaseanother'sdelight?forthemselves,whobeartheodours,haveevertheleastsenseofthem.YetIdolikebettertheprodigalityofjewelsandclothes,whereofonepassethtoaman'sheirs;theotheratleastwearsouttime.Thispresentlyexpires,and,withoutcontinualriotinreparation,islost:whichwhosostrivestokeep,itisonespecialargumenttome,that,affectingtosmellbetterthanothermen,hedothindeedsmellfarworse.

Mer.Iknowyouwillsay,itsitswell,sir.

Tai.Goodfaith,ifitdonot,sir,letyourmistressbejudge.

Mer.Byheaven,ifmymistressdonotlikeit,I'llmakenomoreconsciencetoundothee,thantoundoanoyster.

Tai.Believeit,there'sne'eramistressintheworldcanmislikeit.

Mer.No,notgoodwifetailor,yourmistress;thathasonlythejudgmenttoheatyourpressing-tool.Butforacourt-mistressthatstudiesthesedecorums,andknowstheproportionofeverycutto0hair,knowswhysuchacolouriscutuponsuchacolour,andwhenasatiniscutuponsixtaffataes,willlookthatweshoulddiveintothe

depthofthecutGivememyscarf.Shewsomeribands,sirrah.

Haveyouthefeather?

Feat.Ay,sir.

Mer.Haveyouthejewel?j

Jew.Yes,sir.

Mer.WhatmustIgiveforthehireon't?

Jew.Youshallgivemesixcrowns,sir.

Mer.Sixcrowns!Byheaven,'twereagooddeedtoborrowitoftheetoshew,andneverlettheehaveitagain.

Jew.Ihopeyourworshipwillnotdoso,sir.

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Mer.ByJove,sir,therebesuchtricksstirringIcantellyou,and\vorthilvtoo.Extortingknaves,thatlivebythesecourt-decorums,andyet--What'syourjewelworth,Ipray?

Jew.Ahundredcrowns,sir.

Mer.Ahundredcrowns,andsixfortheloanon'tanhour!what'sthatinthehundredfortheyear?Theseimpostorswouldnotbehang'd!Yourthiefisnotcomparabletothem,byHercules.Wdl,putitin,andthefeather;youwillhaveitandyoushall,andthepoxgiveyougoodon't!

Amo.Givememyconfects,mymoscadini,andplacethosecoloursinmyhat.

Mer.TheseareBolognianribands,Iwarrantyou.

Mil.Intruth,sir,iftheybenotrightGranadosilk—

Mer.Apoxonyou,you'llallsayso.

Mil.Yougivemenotapenny,sir.

Mer.Come,sir,perfumemydevant;Mailitascend,likesolemnsacrifice,IntothenostrilsoftheQueenofLovef

Bed.YourFrenchceremoniesarethebest.

Ana.Monsieur,signior,yourSolemnAddressistoolong;theladieslongtohaveyoucomeon.

Amo.Soft,sir,ourcoiningonisnotsoeasilyprepared.SigniorFig!

Per.Ay,sir.

Amo.Canyouhelpmycomplexion,here?

Per.Oyes,sir,Ihaveanexcellentmineralfucusforthepurpose.Theglovesareright,sir;youshallburytheminamuck-hill,adraught,sevenyears,andtakethemoutandwashthem,theyshallstillretaintheirfirstscent,trueSpanish.There'sarnbreintheumbre.

Mer.Yourprice,sweetFig?

Per.Givemewhatyouwill,sir;thesigniorpaysmetwocrownsapair;youshallgivemeyourlove,sir.

Mer.Mylove!withapoxtoyou,goodmanSassafras.

Per.Icome,sir.There'sanexcellentdiapasminachain,too,ifyoulikeit.

Amo.Stay,whataretheingredientstoyourfucus?

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Per.Noughtbutsublimateandcrudemercury,sir,wellpreparedanddulcified,withthejaw-bonesofasow,burnt,beaten,andsearced.

Amo.Iapproveit.Layiton.

Mer.I'llhaveyourchainofpomander,sirrah;what'syourprice?

Per.We'llagree,monsieur;I'llassureyouitwasbothdorortrdanddriedwherenosuncame,andkeptinanonyxeversinceitwasballed.

Mer.Come,invertmymustachio,andwehavedone.

Amo.'Tisgo'i'l.

Bar.Holdstill,Iprayyou,sir.

Per.Nay,thefucusisexorbitant,sir.

Mer.Death,dostthouburnme,harlot!

Bar.Ibeseechyou,sir.

Mer.Beggar,varlet,poltroon.[Beatshim.

Hed.Excellent,excellent!

Ana.YourFrenchbeatisthemostnaturalbeatoftheworld.

Aso.OthatIhadplayedatthisweapon.[Acharge.

Pha.Peace,nowtheycomeon;thesecondpart.

Amo.Madam,yourbeautiesbeingsoattractive,Imuseyouareleftthusalone.

Phi.Betterbealone,sir,thanillaccompanied.

Amo.Noughtcanbeill,lady,thatcancomenearyourgoodness.

Mer.Sweetmadam,onwhatpartofyousoeveramancastshiseye,hemeetswithperfection;youarethelivelyimageofVenusthroughout;allthegracessmileinyourcheeks;yourbeautynourishesaswellasdelights;youhaveatonguesteepedinhoney,andabreathlikeapanther;yourbreastsandforeheadarewhiterthangoats'milk,orMayblossoms;acloudisnotsosoftasyourskin—

Hed.Wellstrook,monsieur!HechargeslikeaFrenchmanindeed,thickandhotly.

Mer.YourcheeksareCupid'sbaltis,whereinheusestosteephimselfinmilkandnectar:hedoeslightallhistorchesatyoureyes,andinstructsyouhowtoshootandwoundwiththeirbeams.YetIlovenothinginyoumorethanyourinnocence;youretainsonativeasimplicity,

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sounblamedabehaviour!Methinks,withsuchalove,Ishouldfindnohead,norfootofmypleasure:youaretheveryspiritofalady.

Ana.Fairplay,monsieur,youaretoohotonthequarry;giveyourcompetitoraudience.

Amo.Lady,howstirringsoeverthemonsieur'stongueis,hewillliebyyoursidemoredullthanyoureunuch.

Ana.Agoodstroke;thatmouthwasexcellentlyputover.

Amo.Youarefair,lady—

Cri.Youofferfoul,signior,toclose;keepyourdistance;forallyourbravorampanthere.

Amo./sayyouarefair,lady,letyourchoicebefit,asyouarefair.

Mer.Isayladiesdoneverbelievetheyarefair,tillsomefoolbeginstodoatuponthem.

Phi.Youplaytoorough,gentlemen.

Amo.Yourfrenchifiedfoolisyouronlyfool,lady:Idoyieldtothishonourablemonsieurinallcivilandhumanecourtesy.

[Aflourish.

Mer.Buz!

Ana.Admirable.Givehimtheprize,givehimtheprize:thatmouthagainwasmostcourtlyhit,andrare.

Amo.IknewIshouldpassuponhimwiththebitterbob.

Hed.O,butthereversewassingular.

Pha.Itwasmostsubtile,Amorphus.

Aso.IfIhaddone't,itshouldhavebeenbetter.

Mer.Howheartilytheyapplaudthis,Crites!

Cri.Yousufferthemtoolong.

Mer.I'lltakeofftheiredgeinstantly.

Ana.Nametheprize,attheSolemnAddress.

Phi.Twolipswagging.

Cri.Andneverawiseword,Itakeit.

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Ana.GivetoAmorphus.And,uponhimagain;lethimnotdrawfreebreath.

Amo.Thanks,fairdeliverer,andmyhonourablejudges.MadamPhantaste,youareourworthyobjectatthisnextweapon.

Pha.Mostcovetinglyready,Amorphus.

[ShetakesthestateinsteadofPhilautia.

Hed.Yourmonsieuriscrest-fallen.

Ana.Soaremostofthemonceayear.

Arno.Youwillsee,IshallnowgivehimthegentleDorpresently,heforgettingtoshiftthecolours,whicharenowchangedwithalterationofthemistress.Atyourlastweapon,sir.ThePerfectClose.Setforward.[Acharge.]Intendyourapproach,monsieur.

Mer.'Tisyours,signior.

Amo.Withyourexample,sir.

Mer.NotI,sir.

Amo.Itisyourright.

Mer.Bynopossiblemeans.

Amo.Youhavetheway.

Mer.AsIamnoble—

Amo.AsIamvirtuous—

Mer.Pardonme,sir.

Amo.Iwilldiefirst.

Mer.Youareatyrantincourtesy.

Amo.Heisremoved.—[StaysMercuryonJiismoving.]—Judges,bearwitness.

Mer.Whatofthat,sir?

Amo.Youareremoved,sir.

Mer.Well.

Amo.Ichallengeyou;youhavereceivedtheDor.Givemetheprize.

Mer.Soft,sir.How,theDor?

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Amo.Thecommonmistress,yousee,ischanged.

Mer.Right,sir.

Amo.Andyouhavestillinyourhattheformercolours.

Mer.Youlie,sir,Ihavenone:Ihavepulledthemout.Imeanttoplaydiscoloured.[Aflourish.

Cri.TheDor,theDor,theDor,theDor,theDor,thepalpableDor!

Ana.Heartofmyblood,Amorphus,whathaveyoudone?stuckadisgraceuponusall,andatyourlastweapon!

Aso.Icouldhavedonenomore.

Hcd.Byheaven,itwasmostunfortunateluck.

Ana.Luck!bythatcandle,itwasmererashness,andoversight;

wouldanymanhaveventuredtoplaysoopen,andforsakehis

ward?Dnme,ifhehavenoteternallyundonehimselfin

court,anddiscountenancedusthatwerehismaincountenance,byit.

Amo.Forgiveitnow:itwasthesolecismofmystars.

Cri.Thewringbythehand,andthebanquet,isours.

Mer.O,here'saladyfeelslikeawenchofthefirstyear;youwouldthinkherhanddidmeltinyourtouch;andthebonesofherfingersranoutatlengthwhenyouprest'em,theyaresogentlydelicate!Hethathadthegracetoprintakissontheselips,shouldtastewineandrose-leaves.O,shekissesascloseasacockle.Let'stakethemdown,asdeepasourhearts,wench,tillourverysoulsrrn'Y.Adieu,signior:goodfaithIshalldrinktoyouatsupper,sir.

Ana,Stay,monsieur.Whoawardsyoutheprize?

Cri.Why,hispropermerit,sir;youseehehasplayeddownyourgrandgarb-master,here.

Ana.That'snotinyourlogictodetermine,sir:youarenocourtier.Thisisnoneofyoursevenorninebeggarlysciences,butacertainmysteryabovethem,whereinwethathaveskillmustpronounce,andnotsuchfreshmenasyouare.

Cri.Indeed,Imustdeclaremyselftoyounoprofestcourtling;nortohaveanyexcellentstrokeatyoursubtileweapons;yetifyouplease,Idareventureahitwithyou,oryourfellow,sirDagonet,here.

Ana.Withme!

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Cri.Yes,sir.

Ana.Heart,Ishallneverhavesuchafortunetosavemyselfinafellowagain,andyourtworeputations,gentlemen,asinthis.I'llundertakehim.

Hed.Do,andswingehimsoundly,goodAnaides.

Ana.Letmealone;I'llplayothermannerofplay,thanhasbeenseenyet.Iwouldtheprizelayon't.

Her.Itshallifyouwill,Iforgivemyright.

Ana.Areyousoconfident!what'syourweapon?

Cri.Atany,I,sir.

Her.ThePerfectClose,that'snowthebest.

Ana.Content,I'llpayyourscholarity.Whooffers?

Cri.Marry,thatwillI:Idaregiveyouthatadvantagetoo.

Ana.Youdare!well,looktoyourliberalsconce.

Amo.Makeyourplaystill,upontheanswer,sir.

Ana.Holdyourpeace,youareahobby-horse.

Aso.Sitbyme,master.

Mer.Now,Crites,strikehome.{Acharge.

Cri.Youshallseemeundotheassuredswaggererwithatrick,instantly:Iwillplayallhisownplaybeforehim;courtthewenchinhisgarb,inhisphrase,withhisface;leavehimnotsomuchasalook,aneye,astalk,oranimperfectoath,toexpresshimselfby,afterme.[AsidetoMercury.

Mer.Excellent,Crites.

Ana.Whenbeginyou,sir?haveyouconsulted?

Cri.Toyourcost,sir.Whichisthepiecestandsforthtobecourted?0,areyoushe?[ToPhilautia.]Well,madam,orsweetlady,itisso,Idoloveyouinsomesort,doyouconceive?andthoughIamnomonsieur,nornosignior,anddowant,astheysay,logicandsophistry,andgoodwords,totellyouwhyitisso;yetbythishandandbythatcandleitisso:andthoughIbenobook-worm,noronethatdealsbyart,togiveyourhetoricandcauses,whyitshould

beso,ormakeitgooditisso?yet,dnme,butIknowitisso,

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andamassureditisso,andIandmyswordshallmakeitappearitisso,andgiveyoureasonsufficienthoioitcanbenootherwisebutso—

Hed.'Slight,Anaides,youaremocked,andsoweareall.

Mer.Hownow,signior!what,sufferyourselftobecozenedofyourcourtshipbeforeyourface?

Hed.Thisisplainconfederacytodisgraceus:let'sbegone,andplotsomerevenge.

Anio.Whenmendisgracesshare,Thelesseristhecare.

Cri.Xay,stay,mydearAmbition,[toHedon.]Icandoyouovertoo.Youthattellyourmistress,herbeautyisallcomposedoftheft;herhairstolefromApollo'sgoldy-locks;herwhiteandred,liliesandrosesstolenoutofparadise;hereyestwostars,pluck'dfromthesky;hernosethegnomonofLove'sdial,thattellsyouhowtheclockofyourheartgoes:andforherotherparts,asyoucannotreckonthem,theyaresomany;soyoucannotrecountthem,theyaresomanifest.Yours,ifhisown,unfortunateHoyden,insteadofHedon.[Aflourish.

Aso.Sister,comeaway,Icannotendurethemlonger.

[ExeuntallbutMercuryandCrites.

Mer.Go,Dors,andyou,mymadamCourting-stocks,Followyourscornedandderidedmates;Telltoyourguiltybreasts,whatmeregiltblocksYouare,andhowunworthyhumanstates.

Cri.Now,sacredGodofWit,ifyoucanmakeThose,whomoursportstaxintheseapishgraces,Kiss,likethefightingsnakes,yourpeacefulrod,Thesetimesshallcanoniseyouforagod.

Mer.Why,Crites,thinkyouanynoblespirit,Orany,worththetitleofaman,WillbeincensedtoseetheenchantedveilsOfself-conceit,andservileflattery,Wraptinsoman}'foldsbytimeandcustom,Drawnfromhiswrongedandbewitchedeyes?Whoseesnotnowtheirshapeandnakedness,Isblinderthanthesonofearth,themole;Crown'dwithnomorehumanity,norsoul.

Cri.Thoughtheymayseeit,yetthehugeestateFancy,andform,andsensualpridehavegotten,

Willmakethemblushforanger,notforshame,

Andturnshewnnakednesstoimpudence.

Humourisnowthetestwetrythingsin:

Allpowerisjust:noughtthatdelightsissin.

Andyetthezealofeveryknowingman

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Opprestwithhillsoftyranny,castonvirtue

Bythelightfanciesoffools,thustransported,

CannotbutventthevEtnaofhisfires,

T'inflamebestbosomswithmuchworthierlove

Thanoftheseoutwardandeffeminateshades;

Thatthesevainjoys,inwhichtheirwillsconsume

Suchpowersofwitandsoulasareofforce

Toraisetheirbeingstoeternity,

Maybeconvertedonworksfittingmen:

And,forthepracticeofaforcedlook,

Ananticgesture,orafustianphrase,

Studythenativeframeofatrueheart,

Aninwardcomelinessofbounty,knowledge,

Andspiritthatmayconformthemactually

ToGod'shighfigures,whichtheyhaveinpower;

Whichtoneglectforaself-lovingneatness,

Issacrilegeofanunpardon'dgreatness.

Mer.Thenletthetruthofthesethingsstrengthenthee,Inthyexemptandonlyman-likecourse;Likeitthemore,thelessitisrespected:Thoughmenfail,virtueisbygodsprotected.—See,herecomesArete;I'llwithdrawmyself.[Exit.

EnterARETE.

Are.Crites,youmustprovidestraightforamasque,'TisCynthia'spleasure.

Cri.How,brightArete!Why,'twerealabourmoreforHercules:BetterandsoonerdurstIundertakeTomakethedifferentseasonsoftheyear,Thewinds,orelements,tosympathise,ThantheirunmeasurablevanityDancetrulyinameasure.Theyagree!Whatthoughallconcord'sbornofcontraries;Somanyfollieswillconfusionprove,Andlikeasortofjarringinstruments,Alloutoftune;because,indeed,weseeThereisnotthatanalogy'twixtdiscords,Asbetweenthingsbutmerelyopposite.

Are.Thereisyourerror:forasHermes'wandCharmsthedisordersoftumultuousghosts;

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AndasthestrifeofChaosthendidcease,WhenbetterlightthanNature'sdidarrive:So,whatcouldneverinitselfagree,

Forgetteththeeccentricproperty,

Andathersightturnsforthwithregular,

Whosesceptreguidestheflowingocean:

Andthoughitdidnot,yetthemostofthem

Beingeithercourtiers,ornotwhollyrude,

Respectofmajesty,theplace,andpresence,

Willkeepthemwithinring,sspecially

Whentheyarenotpresentedasthemselves,

Butmasquedlikeothers:for,introth,notso

Toincorporatethem,couldbenothingelse,

ThanLikeastateungovern'd,withoutlaws,

Orbodymadeofnothingbutdiseases:

Theone,throughimpotency,poorandwretched;

Theother,fortheanarchy,absurd.

Cri.But,lady,fortherevellersthemselves,Itwouldbebetter,inmypoorconceit,Thatotherswereemploy'd;forsuchasareUnfittobeinCynthia'scourt,canseemNolessunfittobeinCynthia'ssports.

Are.That,Crites,isnotpurposedwithoutParticularknowledgeofthegoddess'mind;Whoholdingtrueintelligence,whatfolliesHadcreptintoherpalace,sheresolvedOfsportsandtriumphs,underthatpretext,Tohavethemmusterintheirpompandfulness,Thatsoshemightmorestrictly,andtoroot,Effectthereformationsheintends.

Cri.Inowconceiveherheavenlydriftinall,Andwillapplymyspiritstoserveherwill.Othou,theverypowerby-whichIam,Andbutforwhichitwereinvaintobe,CliiefnextDiana,virginheavenlyfair,AdmiredArete,ofthemadmiredWhosesoulsarenotenkindledbythesense,Disdainnotmychastefire,butfeedtheflameDevotedtrulytothygraciousname.

Are.Leavetosuspectus:Criteswellshallfind,Aswearenowmostdear,we'llprovemostkind.

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[Within.]Arete!

Are.Hark,Iamcall'd.[Exit.

Cri.Ifollowinstantly.PhcebusApollo,ifwithancientritos,Andduedevotions,IhaveeverhungElaboratePaeansonthygoldenshrine,Orsungthytriumphsinaloftystrain,Fitforatheatreofgodstohear:Andthou,theothersonofmightyJove,CyllenianMercury,sweetMnia'sjoy,Ifinthebusytumultsofthemind

Mypaththoueverhastillumined,

ForwhichthinealtarsIhaveoftperfumed.

Anddeck'dthystatueswithdiscolour'dflowers:

Nowthriveinventioninthisgloriouscourt,

Thatnotofbountyonly,butofright,

Cynthiamaygrace,andgiveitlifebysight.{Exit.

SCENEIII.

EnterHESPERUS,CYNTHIA,ARETE,TIME,PHRONESIS,and

THAUMA.

Musicaccompanied.HESPERUSsings.

Queenandhuntress,chasteandfair,Nowthesunislaidtosleep,Seatedinthysilverchair,Stateinwontedmannerkeep:

Hesperusentreatsthylight,

Goddess,excellentlybright.

Earth,letnotthyenviousshadeDareitselftointerpose;Cynthia'sshiningorbwasmadeHeav'ntoclear,whendaydidclose:

Blessusthenwithwishedsight,

Goddessexcellentlybright.

Laythybowofpearlapart,Andthycrystalshiningquiver;GiveuntotheflyinghartSpacetobreathe,howshortsoever:

Thouthatmak'stadayofnight,

Goddessexcellentlybright.

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Cyn.WhenhathDiana,likeanenviouswretch,Thatglittersonlytohissoothedself,DenyingtotheworldtheprecioususeOfhoardedwealth,withheldherfriendlyaid?Monthlywespendourstill-repairedshine,Andnotforbidourvirgin-waxentorchToburnandblaze,whilenutrimentdothlast:Thatonceconsumed,outofJove'streasuryAnewwetake,andstickitinoursphere,TogivethemutinouskindofwantingmenTheirlook'd-forlight.Yetwhatistheirdesert?Bountyiswrong'd,interpretedasdue;Mortalscanchallengenotaray,byright,YetdoexpectthewholeofCynthia'slight.ButifthatdeitieswithdrewtheirgiftsForhumanfollies,whatcouldmendeserveButdeathanddarkness?Itbehovesthehigh,

Fortheirownsakes,todothingsworthily.

Are.Mosttrue,mostsacredgoddess;fortheheavensReceivenogoodofallthegoodtheydo:NorJove,noryou,norotherheavenlyPowers,Arefedwithfumeswhichdofromincenserise,Orsacrificesreekingintheirgore;Yet,forthecarewhichyouofmortalshave,(Whosepropergooditisthattheybeso,)Youwellarepleasedwithodoursredolent:Butignorantisalltheraceofmen,Whichstillcomplains,notknowingwhy,orwhen.

Cyn.Else,nobleArete,theywouldnotblame,Andtax,orforunjust,orforasproud,ThyCynthia,inthethingswhichareindeedThegreatestgloriesinourstarrycrown;Suchisourchastity,whichsafelyscorns.Notlove,forwhomoreferventlydothloveImmortalhonour,anddivinerenown?ButgiddyCupid,Venus'franticson.Yet,Arete,ifbythisveiledlightWebutdiscover'd(whatwenotdiscern)AnytheleastofimputationsstandReadytosprinkleourunspottedfameWithnoteoflightness,fromtheserevelsnear;Not,fortheempireoftheuniverse,Shouldnight,orcourt,thiswhatsoevershine,Orgraceofours,unhappilyenjoy.Placeandoccasionaretwoprivythieves,AndfrompoorinnocentladiesoftenstealThebestofthings,anhonourablename;Tostaywithfollies,orwherefaultsmaybe,Infersacrime,althoughthepartyfree.

Are.HowCynthianly,thatis,howworthilyAndlikeherself,thematchlessCynthiaspeaks!Infinitejealousies,infiniteregards,Dowatchaboutthetruevirginity:ButPhoebelivesfromall,notonlyfault,Butasfromthought,sofromsuspicionfree.Thypresencebroad-sealsourdelightsforpure;What'sdoneinCynthia'ssight,isdonesecure.

Cyn.Thatthensoanswer'd,dearestArel<\Whatth'argument,orofwhatsortoursportsAreliketobethisnight,Inotdemand.Nothingwhichduty,anddesiretoplease,Bearswrittenintheforehead,comesamiss.ButuntowhoseinventionmustweoweThecomplementofthisnight'sfurniture?

Are.Excellentgoddess,toaman's,whoseworth,Withouthyperbole,Ithusmaypraise;

Oneatleaststudiousofdeservingwell.

And,tospeaktruth,indeeddeservingwell.

Potentialmeritstandsforactual,

Whereonlyopportunitydothwant,

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Xotwill,norpower;bothwhichinhimabound.

OnewhomtheMusesandMinervalove;

Forwhomshouldthey,thanCrites,moreesteem,

WhomPhoebus,thoughnotFortune,holdethdear?

And,whichconvincethexcellenceinhim,

Aprincipaladmirerofyourself.

EventhroughtheungentleinjuriesofFate,

Anddifficulties,whichdovirtuechoke,

Thusmuchofhimappears.Whatotherthings

Offarthernotedolieunborninhim,

ThemIdoleaveforcherishmenttoshew,

Andforagoddessgraciouslytojudge.

Cyn.Wehavealreadyjudgedhim,Arete,NorareweignoranthownoblemindsSuffertoomuchthroughthoseindignitiesWhichtimesandviciouspersonscastonthem.OurselfhaveevervowedtoesteemAsvirtueforitself,sofortune,base;Who'sfirstinworth,thesamebefirstinplace.Xorfarthernotice,Arete,wecraveThanthineapproval'ssovereignwarranty:Let'tbethycaretomakeusknowntohim;Cynthiashallbrightenwhattheworldmade-dim.[ExitArete.

THEFIRSTMASQUE.

EnterCUPID,disguisedasAnteros,followedbyStorge,Aglaia,Euphantaste,andApheleia.

Cup.Clearpearlofheaven,and,nottobefartherambitiousintitles,Cynthia!the.fame,ofthisillustriousnight,amongothers,hathalsodrawnthesefourfairvirginsfromthepalaceoftheirqueenPerfection,(awordwhichmakesnosufficientdifferencebetwixther'sandthine,}tovisitthyimperialcourt:forshe,theirsovereign,notfindingwheretodwellamongmen,beforeherreturntoheaven,advisedthemwhollytoconsecratethemselvestothycelestialservice,asinwhoseclearspirit(theproperelementandsphereofvirtue]theyshouldbeholdnotheralone,theirever-honouredmistress,butthemselves(moretrulythemselves]toliveenthronised.Herselfwouldhavecommendedthem,untothyfavourmoreparticularly,butthatsheknowsnocommendationismoreavailablewiththee,thanthatofpropervirtue.Neverthelessshewilledthemtopresentthiscrystalmound,anoteofmonarchy,andsymbolofperfection,tothymoreworthydeity;which,asherebymetheymosthumblydo,soamongsttheraritiesthereof,thatisthechief,toshewwhatsoevertheworldhathexcellent,howsoeverremoteandvarious.Butyourirradiatejudgmentwillsoondiscoverthesecrets

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ofthislittlecrystalworld.Themselves,toappearmoreplainly;,becausetheyknownothingmoreodiousthanfalsepretexts,havechosentoexpresstheirseveralqualitiesthusinseveralcolours.

Thefirst,incitroncolour,isnaturalaffection,which,givenustoprocureourgood,issometimecalledStorge;andaseveryoneisnearesttohimself,sothishandmaidofreason,allowableSelf-lore,asitiswithoutharm,soarenonewithoutit:herplaceinthecourtofPerfectionwastoquickenmind*inthepursuitofhonour.Herdeviceisaperpendicularlevel,uponacubeorsquare;theword,sesuomodulo;alludingtothattruemeasureofone'sself,which,aseveryoneoughttomake,soisitmostconspicuousinthydivineexample.

Thesecond,ingreen,isAglaia,delectableandpleasantconversation,whosepropertyistomoveakindlydelight,andsometimenotwithoutlaughter:herofficetoentertainassemblies,andkeepsocietiestogetherwithfairfamiliarity.Herdevice,withinaringofclouds,aheartwithshineaboutit;theword,curarumnubilapello:anallegoryofCynthia'slight,whichnolessclearstheskythanherfairmirththeheart.

Thethird,inthediscolouredmantlespangledallover,isEuphantast?,awell-conceitedWittiness,andemployedinhonouringthecourtwiththerichesofherpureinvention.Herdevice,uponaPetasus,orMercurialhat,acrescent;theword,siclausingenii;inferringthatthepraiseandgloryofwitdotheverincrease,asdoththygrowingmoon.

Thefourth,inwhite,isApheleia,anymphaspureandsimpleasthesoul,orasanabrasetable,andisthereforecalledSimplicity;withoutfolds,withoutplaits,withoutcolour,withoutcounterfeit;and(tospeakplainly)plainnessitself.Herdeviceisnodevice.Thewordunderhersilvershield,omnisabestfucus;alludingtothyspotlessself,whoartasfarfromimpurityasfrommortality.

Myself,celestialgoddess,morefitforthecourtofCynthiathanthearboursofCytherea,amcalledAnteros,orLove'senemy;themorewelcomethereforetothycourt,andthefittertoconductthisquaternion,who,astheyarethyprofessedvotaries,andforthatcauseadversary3toLore,yetthee,perpetualvirgin,theybothlove,andvowtoloveeternally.

Re-enterARETE,withCRITES.

Cyn.Notwithoutwonder,norwithoutdelight,Mineeyeshaveview'd,incontemplation'sdepth,Thisworkofwit,divineandexcellent:Whatshape,whatsubstance,orwhatunknownpower,Invirgin'shabit,crown'dwithlaurellea\Andolive-brancheswoveninbetween,Onsea-girtrocks,liketoagoddessshines!0front!0face!Oallcelestial,sure.Andmorethanmortal!Arete,beholdAnotherOynthia,andanotherqueen,Whoseglory,likealastingplenilune,Seemsignorantofwhatitistowane.

NorunderheavenanobjectcouldbefoundMorefittoplease.LetCritesmakeapproach.Bountyforbidstopallourthankswithstay,Ortodeferourfavour,afterview:Thetimeofgraceis,whenthecauseisnew.

Are.Lo,heretheman,celestialDelia,Who(likeacircleboundedinitself)Containsasmuchasmaninfulnessmay.Lo,heretheman,whonotofusualearth,Butofthatnoblerandmore

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preciousmouldWhichPhoebus'selfdothtemper,iscomposed;Andwho,thoughallwerewantingtoreward,Yettohimselfhewouldnotwantingbe:Thyfavour'sgainishisambition'smost,Andlabour'sbest;who(humbleinhisheight)Standsfixedsilentinthyglorioussight.

Cyn.WithnolesspleasurethanwehavebeheldThispreciouscrystalworkofrarestwit,Oureyedothreadthee,nowinstiled,ourCrites;Whomlearning,virtue,andourfavourlast,Exemptethfromthegloomymultitude.WithcommoneyetheSupremeshouldnotsee:Henceforthbeours,themorethyselftobe.

Cri.Heaven'spurestlight,whoseorbmaybeeclipsed,Butnotthypraise;divinestCynthia!Howmuchtoonarrowforsohighagrace,Thine(savetherein)themostunworthyCriteaDothfindhimself!forevershinethyfame;Thinehonoursever,asthybeautiesdo.Inmetheymust,mydarkworld'schiefestlights,BywhosepropitiousbeamsmypowersareraisedTohopesomepartofthosemostloftypoints,WhichblessedAretehathpleasedtoname,Asmarks,towhichmyendeavour'sstepsshouldbend:Mine,asbegunatthee,intheemustend.

THESECONDMASQUE.

EnterMERCURYasapage,introducingEucosmos,Eupathea,

Eutolmos,andEucolos.

Mer.SisterofPhoebus,towhosebrightorbweowe,thatwe.notcomplainofhisabsence;thesefourbrethren(fortheyarebrethren,andsonsofEutaxia,aladyknown,andhighlybelovedofyourresplendentdeity]notabletobeabsent,whenCynthiaheldasolemnity,officiouslyinsinuatethemselvesintothypresence:for,astherearefourcardinalvirtues,uponwhichthewholeframeofthecourtdothmove,soarethesethefourcardinalproperties,withoutwhichthebodyofcomplimentmovethnot.Withthesefoursilverjavelins,(whichtheybearintheirhands]theysupportinprinces'courtsthestateofthe^

presence,asbyofficetheyare,obliged:which,thoughheretheymayseemsuperfluous,yet,forhonour'ssake,theythuspresumetovisitthee,havingalsobeenemployedinthepalaceofqueenPerfection.Andthoughtothemthatwouldmakethemselvesgracioustoagoddess,sacrificeswerefitterthanpresents,orimpresses,yettheybothhopethyfavour,and(inplaceofeither)useseveralsymbols,containingthetitlesofthyimperialdignity.

First,thehithermost,inthechangeableblueandgreenrobe,isthecommendably-fashionedgallant,Eucosmos;whosecourtlyhabitisthegraceofthepresence,anddelightofthesurveyingeye;whomladiesunderstandbythenamesofNeatandElegant.Hissymbolis,divaevirgin!,inwhichhewouldexpressthydeitysprincipalglory,whichhatheverbeenvirginity.

Thesecond,intherichaccoutrement,androbeofpurple,empaledwithgold,isEupathes;whoentertainshismindwithanharmless,butnotincuriousvariety;alltheobjectsofhissensesaresumptuous,himselfagallant,that,withoutexcess,canmakeuseofsuperfluity,gorichlyinembroideries,jewels,andwhatnot,withoutvanity,andfaredelicatelywitJioutgluttony;andtherefore(notwithoutcause)isuniversallythoughttobeoffinehumour.His

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symbolis,divaeoptima;anattributetoexpressthygoodness,inwhichthousoresemblestJovethyfather.

Thethird,intheblush-colouredsuit,isEutolmos,asdulyrespectingothers,asneverneglectinghimself;commonlyknownbythetitleofgoodAudacity;tocourtsandcourtlyassembliesaguestmostacceptable.Hissymbolis,divaeviragini;toexpressthyhardycourageinchaseofsavagebeasts,whichharbourinwoodsandwildernesses.

Thefourth,inwatchettinsel,isthekindandtrulybenefiqueEucolos,whoimpartethnotwithoutrespect,butyetivithoutdifficulty,andhaththehappinesstomakeeverykindnessseemdouble,bythetimelyandfreelybestowingthereof.Heisthechiefofthem,wJiobythevulgararesaidtobeofgoodnature.Hissymbolis,divoemaxima;anadjuncttosignifythygreatness,whichinheaven,earth,andhell,isformidable.

Music.ADancebythetwoMasquesjoined,duringwhichCUPIDandMERCURYretiretothesideofthestage.

Cup.IsnotthatAmorphus,thetraveller?

Mer.Asthoughitwerenot!doyounotseehowhislegsareintravailwithameasure?

Cup.Hedon,thymasterisnext.

Mer.What,willCupidturnnomenclator,andcrythem?

Cup.No,faith,butIhaveacomedytoward,thatwouldnotbelostforakingdom.

Mer.Ingoodtime,forCupidwillprovethecomedy.

Cup.Mercury,Iamstudyinghowtomatchthem.

Mer.Howtomismatchthemwereharder.

Cup.Theyarethenymphsmustdoit;1shallsportmyselfwiththeirpassionsabovemeasure.

Mer.Thosenymphswouldbetamedalittleindeed,butIfearthouhastnotarrowsforthepurpose.

Cup.Oyes,herebeofallsorts,flights,rovers,andbutt-shafts.ButIcanwoundwithabrandish,andneverdrawbowforthematter.

Mer.Icannotbutbelieveit,myinvisiblearcher,andyetmethinksyouaretedious.

Cup.Itbehovesmetobesomewhatcircumspect,Mercury;forifCynthiahearthetwangofmybow,she'llgoneartowhipmewiththestring;therefore,topreventthat,Ithusdischargea

brandishuponitmakesnomatterwhichofthecouples.Phan-

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tasteandAmorphus,atyou.[Waveshisarrowatthem.

Mer.Willtheshakingofashaftstrikethemintosuchafeverofaffection?

Cup.Aswellasthewinkofaneye:but,Ipraythee,hindermenotwiththyprattle.

Mer.JoveforbidIhinderthee;Marry,allthatIfearisCynthia'spresence,which,withthecoldofherchastity,castethsuchanantiperistasisabouttheplace,thatnoheatofthinewilltarrywiththepatient.

Cup.Itwilltarrytherather,fortheantiperistasiswillkeepitin.

Mer.Ilongtoseetheexperiment.

Cup.Why,theirmarrowboilsalready,ortheyareallturn'deunuchs.

Mer.Nay,an'tbeso,I'llgiveoverspeaking,andbeaspectatoronly.[Thefirstdanceends.

Amo.Cynthia,bymybrightsoul,isarightexquisiteandsplen-didiouslady;yetAmorphus,Ithink,hathseenmorefashions,Iamsuremorecountries;butwhetherIhaveornot,whatneedwegazeonCynthia,thathaveourselftoadmire?

Pha.0,excellentCynthia!yetifPhantastesatwhereshedoes,andhadsuchattireonherhead,(forattirecandomuch,)Isaynomore—butgoddessesaregoddesses,andPhantasteisassheis!Iwouldtherevelsweredoneonce,Imightgotomyschoolofglassagain,andlearntodomyselfrightafterallthisruffling.

[Music;theybegintheseconddance.

Mer.Hownow,Cupid?here'sawonderfulchangewithyourbrandish!doyounothearhowtheydote?

Cup.Whatprodigyisthis?nowordoflove,nomention,nomotion!

Mer.Notaword,mylittleignisfatue,notaword.

Cup.Aremydartsenchanted?istheirvigourgone?istheirvirtue—

Mer.What!Cupidturnedjealousofhimself?ha,ha,ha!

Cup.LaughsMercury?

Mer.IsCupidangry?

Cup.Hathhenotcause,whenhispurposeissodeluded?

Mer.Ararecomedy,itshallbeentitledCupid's?

Cup.Donotscornus,Hermes.

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Mer.CholerandCupidaretwofierythings;Iscornthemnot.ButIseethatcometopasswhichIpresagedinthebeginning.

Cup.Youcannottell:perhapsthephysicwillnotworksosoonuponsomeasuponothers.Itmaybetherestarenotsoresty.

Mer.Exungue;youknowtheoldadage,asthesesoaretheremainder.

Cup.I'lltry:thisisthesameshaftwithwhichIwoundedArgurion.[Waveshisarrowagain.

Mer.Ay,butletmesaveyoualabour,Cupid:therewerecertainbottlesofwaterfetch'd,anddrunkoffsincethattime,bythesegallants.

Cup.Jovestrikemeintotheearth!theFountainofSelf-love!

Mer.Nay,faintnot,Cupid.

Cup.Iremember'ditnot.

Mer.Faith,itwasominoustotakethenameofAnterosuponyou;youknownotwhatcharmorenchantmentliesintheword:yousaw,Idurstnotventureuponanydeviceinourpresentment,butwascontenttobenootherthanasimplepage.Yourarrows'properties,(tokeepdecorum,)Cupid,aresuited,itshouldseem,tothenatureofhimyoupersonate.

Cup.Indignitynottobeborne!

Mer.Nayrather,anattempttohavebeenforborne.

[Theseconddanceends.

Cup.HowmightIrevengemyselfonthisinsultingMercury?there'sCrites,hisminion,hehasnottastedofthiswater.[WaveshisarrowatCrites.]Itshallbeso.IsCritesturn'ddotardonhimselftoo?

Mer.Thatfollowsnot,becausethevenomofyourshaftscannotpiercehim,Cupid.

Cup.Asthoughtherewereoneantidoteforthese,andanotherforhim.

Mer.Asthoughtherewerenot;or,asifoneeffectmightnotariseofdiverscauses?WhatsayyoutoCynthia,Arete,Phronesis,Time,andothersthere?

Cup.Theyaredivine.

Mer.AndCritesaspirestobeso.

[Mu-sic;theybegintlic,thirddance.

Cvp.Butthatshallnotservehim.

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Mer.'Tisliketodoit,atthistime.ButCupidisgrowntoocovetous,thatwillnotspareoneofamultitude.

Cup.Oneismorethanamultitude.

Mer.Arete'sfavourmakesanyoneshot-proofagainstthro,Cupid.Ipraythee,lighthoney-bee,rememberthouartnotnouinAdonis'garden,butinCynthia'spresence,wherethornslieingarrisonabouttheroses.Soft,Cynthiaspeaks.

Cyn.Ladiesandgallantsofourcourt,toend,Andgiveatimelyperiodtooursports.Letusconcludethemwithdecliningnight;Ourempireisbutofthedarkerhalf.

Andifyoujudgeitanyrecompence

Foryourfairpains,t'haveearn'dDiana'sthanks,

Dianagrantsthem,andbestowstheircrown

Togratifyyouracceptablezeal.

Foryouarethey,thatnot,assomehavedone,

Docensureus,astoosevereandsour,

Butas,morerightly,gracioustothegood;.

Althoughwenotdeny,untotheproud,

Ortheprofane,perhapsindeedaustere:

ForsoActseon,bypresumingfar,

Did,toourgrief,incurafataldoom;

Andso,swolnNiobe,comparingmore

Thanhepresumed,wastrophasedintostone.

Butarewethereforejudgedtooextreme?

Seemsitnocrimetoentersacredbowers,

Andhallow'dplaces,withimpureaspect,

Mostlewdlytopollute?Seemsitnocrime

Tobraveadeity?Letmortalslearn

Tomakereligionofoffendingheaven.

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Andnotatalltocensurepowersdivine.

Tomenthisargumentshouldstandforfirm,

Agoddessdidit,thereforeitwasgood:

Wearenotcruel,nordelightinblood.—

Butwhathaveseriousrepetitions

Todowithrevels,andthesportsofcourt?

Wenotintendtosouryourlatedelights

Withharshexpostulation.Letitsuffice

Thatwetakenotice,andcantakerevenge

Ofthesecalumniousandlewdblasphemies.

ForwearenolessCynthiathanwewere,

Norisourpower,butasourself,thesame:

Thoughwehavenowputonnotireofshine,

Butmortaleyesundazzledmayendure.

Yearsarebeneaththespheres,andtimemakesweak

Thingsunderheaven,notpowerswhichgovernheaven.

Andthoughourselfbeinourselfsecure,

Yetletnotmortalschallengetothemselves

Immunityfromthence.Lo,thisisall:

Honourhathstoreofspleen,butwantethgall.

Oncemorewecasttheslumberofourthanks

Onyourta'entoil,whichherelettakeanend.

Andthatwenotmistakeyourseveralworths,,

Noryouourfavour,fromyourselvesremove

Whatmakesyounotyourselves,thosecloudsofmasque;

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Particularpainsparticularthanksdoask.[Thedancersunmask.

How!letmeviewyou.Ha!arewecontemn'd?

Istheresolittleaweofourdisdain,

Thatany(undertrustoftheirdisguise)

Shouldmixthemselveswithothersofthecourt,

And.withoutforehead,boldlypresssofar,

Asfarthernone?Howaptislenity

Tobeabused!severitytobeloath'd!

Andyet,howmuchmoredoththeseemingface

Ofneighbourvirtues,andtheirborrow'dnames,

Addoflewdboldnesstoloosevanities!

WhowouldhavethoughtthatPhilautiadurst

OrhaveusurpednobleStorge'sname,

Orwiththatthefthaveventuredonoureyes?

Whowouldhavethought,thatallofthemshouldhope

Somuchofourconnivence,astocome

Togracethemselveswithtitlesnottheirown?

Insteadofmed'cines,havewemaladies?

AndsuchimposthumesasPhantasteis

Growinourpalace?Wemustlancethesesores,

Orallwillputrify.Xoraretheseall,

Forwesuspectafartherfraudthanthis:

Takeoffourveil,thatshadowsmanydepart,

Andshapesappear,belovedAreteSo,

Anotherfaceofthingspresentsitself,

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Thandidoflate.What!feather'dCupidmasqued,

AndmaskedlikeAnteros?Andstay!morestrange!

DearMercury,ourbrother,likeapage,

Tocountenancetheambushoftheboy!

Xorendethourdiscoveryasyet:

Gelaia,likeanymph,that,buterewhile.

Inmaleattire,didserveAnaides?—

Cupidcamehithertofindsportandgame,

Whoheretoforehathbeentooconversant

Amongourtrain,butneverfeltrevenge;

AndMercurybareCupidcompany.

Cupid,wemustconfess,thistimeofmirth,

Proclaim'dbyus,gaveopportunity

Tothyattempts,althoughnoprivilege:

Temptusnofarther;wecannotendure

Thypresencelonger;vanishhence,away![ExitCupid.

You,Mercury,wemustentreattostay,

Andhearwhatwedetermineoftherest;

Forinthisplotwewellperceiveyourhand.

But,(forwemeannotacensoriantask,

Andyettolancetheseulcersgrownsoripe,)

DearArete,andCrites,toyoutwo

Wegivethecharge;imposewhatpainsyouplease:

Th'incurablecutoff,therestreform.

Rememberingeverwhatwefirstdecreed,

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Sincerevelswereproclaim'd,letnownonebleed.

Are.HowwellDianacandistinguishtimes,.Andsorthercensures,keepingtoherselfThedoomofgods,leavingtheresttous!

Come,citethem,Crites,first,andthenproceed.

Cri.First,Philautia,forshewasthefirst,ThenlightGelaiainAglaia'sname,Thirdly,Phantaste,andMorianext,MainFolliesall,andofthefemalecrew:Amorphus,orEucosmos'counterfeit,VoluptuousHedonta'enforEupathes,BrazenAnaides,andAsotuslast,Withhistwopages,MomsandProsaites;Andthou,thetraveller'sevil,Cos,approach,Impostorsall,andmaledeformities—

Are.Nay,forward,forIdelegatemypower.Andwillthatatthymercytheydostand,Whomtheysooft,soplainlyscorn'dbefore.'Tisvirtuewhichtheywant,andwantingit,Honournogarmenttotheirbackscanfit.Then,Crites,practisethydiscretion.

Cri.AdoredCynthia,andbrightArete,Anothermightseemfitterforthistask,ThanCritesfar,butthatyoujudgenotso:ForI(nottoappearvindicative,Ormindfulofcontempts,whichIcontemn'd,Asdoneofimpotence)mustberemiss:Who,asIwastheauthor,insomesort,ToworktheirknowledgeintoCynthia'ssight,SoshouldbemuchseverertorevengeTheindignityhenceissuingtohername:Butthere'snotoneofthesewhoareunpain'd,Orbythemselvesunpunished;forviceIslikeafurytotheviciousmind,Andturnsdelightitselftopunishment.Butwemustforward,todefinetheirdoom.Youareoffenders,thatmustbeconfess'd;Doyouconfessit?

All.Wedo.

Cri.Andthatyoumeritsharpcorrection?

AllYes.

Cri.Thenwe(reservinguntoDelia'sgraceHerfartherpleasure,andtoAreteW'hatDeliagranteth)thusdosentenceyou:Thatfromthisplace(forpenanceknownofall,SinceyouhavedrunksodeeplyofSelf-love)You,twoandtwo,singingaPalinode,MarchtoyourseveralhomesbyNiobe'sstone,Andofferuptwotearsa-piecethereon,Thatitmaychangethename,asyoumustchange,AndofastonebecalledWeeping-cross:BecauseitstandethcrossofCynthia'sway,OneofwhosenamesissacredTrivia.

Andafterpenancethusperform'dyoupass

Inlikesetorder,notasMidasdid,

TowashhisgoldoffintoTagus'stream;

Buttothewellofknowledge,Helicon;Where,purgedofyourpresentmaladies,Whicharenotfew,norslender,youbecomeSuchasyoufainwouldseem,andthenreturn,OfferingyourservicetogreatCynthia.Thisisyoursentence,ifthegoddesspleaseToratifyitwithherhighconsent;Thescopeofwisemirthuntofruitisbent.

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Cyn.Wedoapprovethycensure,belov'dCrites;WhichMercury,thytruepropitiousfriend,(AdeitynextJovebelovedofus,)Willundertaketoseeexactlydone.Andforthisserviceofdiscovery,rerform'dbythee,inhonourofourname,WevowtoguerdonitwithsuchduegraceAsshallbecomeourbounty,andthyplace.Princesthatwouldtheirpeopleshoulddowell,Mustatthemselvesbegin,asatthehead;Formen,bytheirexample,patternoutTheirimitations,andregardoflaws:Avirtuouscourt,aworldtovirtuedraws.

[ExeuntCynthiaandherNymphs,followedbyAreteandCrites:—Amorphus,PJiantaste,etc.,gooffthestageinpairs,singingthefollowing

PALINODE.

Amo.FromSpanishshrugs,Frenchfaces,smirks,irpes,andallaffectedhumours,

Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.

Pha.Fromsecretfriends,sweetservants,loves,doves,andsuchfantastichumours,

Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.

Amo.Fromstabbingofarms,flap-dragons,healths,whiffs,andallsuchswaggeringhumours,

Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.

Pha.Fromwavingfans,coyglances,glicks,cringes,andallsuchsimperinghumours,

Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.

Amo.Frommakinglovebyattorney,courtingofpuppets,andpayingfornewacquaintance,

Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.

Pha.Fromperfumeddogs,monkies,sparrows,dildoes,andparaquettoes,

Chorus.C!of)dMnviirydefendIK.

Amo.Fromwearingbraceletsofhair,shoe-ties,gloves,garters,andringswithpoesies,

Chorus.GoodMereiirvdefendus.

Pha.Frompargetting,painting,slicking,glazing,andrenewingoldrivalledfaces,

Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.

Amo.From'squiringtotiltyards,play-houses,pageants,andallsuchpublicplaces,

Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.

Pha.Fromentertainingonegallanttogullanother,andmakingfoolsofeither,

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Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.

Amo.Frombelyingladies'favours,noblemen'scountenance,coiningcounterfeitemployments,vain-glorioustakingtothemothermen'sservices,andallself-lovinghumours,

Chorus.GoodMercurydefendus.

MERCURYandCRITESsing.

Noweachonedryhisweepingeyes,

AndtotheWellofKnowledgehaste;Where,purgedofyourmaladies,

Youmayofsweeterwaterstaste:And,withrefinedvoice,reportThegraceofCynthia,andhercourt.

[Exeunt.

THEEPILOGUE.

Gentles,be'tknowntoyou,sinceIwentinIamturn'drhymer,anddothusbegin.Theauthor(jealoushowyoursensedothtakeHistravails)hathenjoinedmetomakeSomeshortandceremoniousepilogue;ButifIyetknowwhat,Iamarogue:HetiesmetosuchlawsasquitedistractMythoughts,andwouldayearoftimeexact.Ineithermustbefaint,remiss,norsorry,Sour,serious,confident,norperemptory;Butbetwixtthese.Let'ssee;tolaytheblameUponthechildren'saction,thatwerelame.Tocraveyourfavour,withabeggingknee,Weretodistrustthewriter'sfaculty.Topromisebetteratthenextwebring,Proroguesdisgrace,commendsnotanything.Stifflytostandonthis,andproudlyapproveTheplay,mighttaxthemakerofSelf-love.I'llonlyspeakwhatIhaveheardhimsay,"By'tisgood,andifyoulike't,youmay."

Eccerubetquidam,pallet,stupet,oscitat,oditHocvolo:nuncnobiscarminanostraplacent.

THEPOETASTER:OR,HISARRAIGNMENT

TOTHEVIRTUOUS,ANDMYWORTHYFRIEND

MR.RICHARDMARTIN

SIR,—Athankfulmanowesacourtesyever;theunthankfulbutwhenheneedsit.Tomakemineownmarkappear,andshewbywhichofthesesealsIamknown,Isendyouthispieceofwhatmayliveofmine;forwhoseinnocence,asfortheauthor's,youwereonceanobleandtimelyundertaker,tothegreatestjusticeofthiskingdom.Enjoynowthedelightofyourgoodness,whichis,toseethatprosperyoupreserved,andposteritytoowethereadingofthat,withoutoffence,toyourname,whichsomuchignoranceandmaliceofthetimesthenconspiredtohavesupprest.

Yourtruelover,BENJONSON.

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DRAMATISPERSONS

AUGUSTUSCAESAR.MEC^ENAS.MARC.OVID.COR.GALLUS.SEX.PROPERTIUS.Fus.ARISTIUS.PUB.OVID.VIRGIL.HORACE.TREBATIUS.ASINIUSLUPUS.PANTILIUSTUCCA.Luscus.

HERMOGENESTIGELLIUS.

DEMETRIUSFANNIUS.

ALBIUS.

MINOS.

HISTRIO.

PYRGI.

Lictors,Equitis,etc.

JULIA.CYTHERIS.PLAUTIA.CHLOE.

RUF.LAB.CRISPINUS.|Maids.

SCENE,—ROME

Afterthesecondsounding.ENVYarisesinthemidstofthestage.

Light,Isalutethee,butwithwoundednerves.

Wishingthegoldensplendorpitchydarkness.

What'shere?THEARRAIGNMENT!ay;this,thisisit,

Thatoursunkeyeshavewakedforallthiswhile:

Herewillbesubjectformysnakesandme.

Clingtomyneckandwrists,mylovingworms,

Andcastyouroundinsoftandamorousfolds,

TillIdobiduncurl;then,breakyourknots,

Shootoutyourselvesatlength,asyourforcedstings

Wouldhidethemselveswithinhismalicedsides,

TowhomIshallapplyyou.StayIthe.shine

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Ofthisassemblyhereoffendsmysight;

rildarkenthatfirst,andoutfacetheirgrace.

Wondernot,ifIstare:thesefifteenweeks,

Solongassincetheplotwasbutanembrion,

HaveI,withburninglightsmixtvigilantthoughts,

Inexpectationofthishatedplay,

TowhichatlastIamarrivedasPrologue.

NorwouldIyoushouldlookforotherlooks,

Gesture,orcomplimentfromme,thanwhat

TheinfectedbulkofEnvycanafford:

ForIamrisseherewithacovetoushope,

Toblastyourpleasuresanddestroyyoursports,

Withwrestings,comments,applications,

Spy-likesuggestions,privywhisperings,

Andthousandsuchpromotingsleightsasthese.

MarkhowIwillbegin:Thesceneis,ha!

Rome?Rome?andRome?Crack,eye-strings,andyourballs

Dropintoearth:letmebeeverblind.

Iamprevented;allmyhopesarecrost,

Checked,andabated;fie,afreezingsweat

Flowsforthatallmypores,myentrailsburn:

WhatshouldIdo?Rome!Rome!0myvextsoul,

HowmightIforcethistothepresentstate?

Aretherenoplayershere?nopoetapes,

TJiatcomewithbasilisk'seyes,whoseforkedtongues

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Aresteepedinvenom,astheirheartsingall?

Eitherofthesewouldhelpme;theycouldwrest,

Pervert,andpoisonalltheyhearorsee,

Withsenselessglosses,andallusions.

Now,ifyoubegooddevils,flymenot.

Youknowwhatdearandamplefaculties

Ihaveendowedyouwith:IIIlendyoumore.

Here,takemysnakesamongyou,comeandeat,

Andwhilethesqueezedjuiceflowsinyourblackjaws,

Helpmetodamntheauthor.Spititforth

Uponhislines,andshewyourrustyteeth

Ateveryword,oraccent:orelsechoose

Outofmylongestvipers,tostickdown

Inyourdeepthroats;andlettheheadscomeforth

Atyourrankmouths;thathemayseeyouarmd

Withtriplemalice,tohiss,sting,andtear

Hisworkandhim;toforge,andthendeclaim,

Traduce,corrupt,apply,inform,suggest;

O,thesearegiftswhereinyoursoulsareblest.

What?doyouhideyourselves?willnoneappear?

Noneanswer?ivhat,doththiscalmtroopaffrightyou?

Nay,thenIdodespair;down,sinkagain:

Tinstravailisalllosticithmydeadhopes.

Ifinsuchbosomsspitehavelefttodwell,

Envyisnotonearth,norscarceinhell.[Descendsslowly.

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Thethirdsounding.Asshedisappears,enterPROLOGUEhastily,inarmour.

Stay,monster,erethousink—thusonthyhead

Setweourbolderfoot;withwhichwetread

Thymaliceintoearth:soSpiteshoulddie,

Despisedandscornedbynobleindustry.

IfanymusewhyIsalutethestage,

AnarmedPrologue;know,'tisadangerousage:

Whereinwhowrites,hadneedpresenthisscenes

Forty-foldproofagainsttheconjuringmeans

Ofbasedetractors,andilliterateapes,

Thatfilluproomsinfairandformalshapes.

'Gainstthese,haveweputonthisforceddefence:

Whereoftheallegoryandhidsense

Is,thatawellerectedconfidence

Canfrighttheirpride,andlaughtheirfollyhence.

Herenow,putcaseourauthorshould,oncemore,

Swearthathisplayweregood;hedothimplore,

Youwouldnotarguehimofarrogance:

Howe'erthatcommonspawnofignorance,

Ourfryofwriters,maybeslimehisfame,

Andgivehisactionthatadulteratename.

Suchfull-blownvanityhemoredothloth,

Thanbasedejection;there'samean'twixtboth,

Whichwithaconstantfirmnesshepursues,

AsonethatknowsthestrengthofhisownMuse.

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Andthishehopesallfreesoulswillallow:

Othersthattakeitwitharuggedbrow,

Theirmoodsheratherpitiesthanenvies:

11isminditisabovetheirinjuries.

ACTI

SCEXEI.—Scenedraws,anddiscoversOVTDinhisstudy.

Ovid.Then,whenthisbodyfallsinfnnrralfire,Mynameshalllive,andmybestpartaspire.Itshallgoso.

EnterLuscus,withagownandcrjp.

Lusc.Youngmaster,masterOvid,doyouhear?Godsa'me!awaywithyoursongsandsonnets,andonwithy«>nrgownandrapquickly:here,here,yourfatherwillbeamanofthisroompresently.Come,nay,nay,nay,nay,bebrief.Theseversestoo,apoisonon'em!Icannotabidethem,theymakemereadytocast,bythe

banksofHelicon!Nay,look,whatarascallyuntowardthingthispoetryis;Icouldtearthemnow.

Ovid.Giveme;hownearismyfather?

Lusc.Hearta'man:getalawbookinyourhand,Iwillnotansweryouelse.[Ovidputsonhiscapandgoum.]Whyso!nowthere'ssomeformalityinyou.ByJove,andthreeorfourofthegodsmore,Iamrightofmineoldmaster'shumourforthat;thisvillainouspoetrywillundoyou,bythewelkin.

Ovid.What,hastthoubuskinson,Luscus,thatthouswearestsotragicallyandhigh?

Lusc.No,butIhavebootson,sir,andsohasyourfathertoobythistime;forhecall'dforthemereIcamefromthelodging.

Ovid.Why,washenoreadier?

Lusc.0no;andtherewasthemadskelderingcaptain,withthevelvetarms,readytolayholdonhimashecomesdown:hethatpresseseverymanhemeets,withanoathtolendhimmoney,andcries,Thoumustdeft,oldboy,asthouartaman,amanofworship.

Ovid.Who,PantiliusTucca?

Lus.Ay,he;andImetlittlemasterLupus,thetribune,goingthithertoo.

Ovid.Nay,anhebeundertheirarrest,Imaywithsafetyenoughreadovermyelegybeforehecome.

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Lus.Godsa'me!whatwillyoudo?why,youngmaster,youarenotCastalianmad,lunatic,frantic,desperate,ha!

Ovid.Whatailestthou,Luscus?

Lus.Godbewithyou,sir;I'llleaveyoutoyourpoeticalfancies,andfuries.I'llnotbeguilty,I.[Exit.

Ovid.Benot,goodignorance.I'mgladth'artgone;Forthusalone,ourearshallbetterjudgeThehastyerrorsofourmorningmuse.

Envy,whytwit'stthoumemytime'sspentill,

Andcall'stmyverse,fruitsofanidlequill?

Orthat,unlikethelinefromwhenceIsprung,

War'sdustyhonoursIpursuenotyoung?

OrthatIstudynotthetediouslaws,

Andprostitutemyvoiceineverycause?

Thyscopeismortal;mineeternalfame,

Whichthroughtheworldshalleverchauntmyname.

HomerwilllivewhilstTenedosstands,andIde,

Or,tothesea,fleetSimoisdothslide:

AndsoshallHesiodtoo,whilevinesdobear,

Orcrookedsicklescroptheripen'dear.

Callimachus,thoughininventionlow,

Shallstillbesung,sinceheinartdothflow.

NolossshallcometoSophocles'proudvein;

Withsunandmoon,Aratusshallremain.

Whileslavesbefalse,fathershard,andbawdsbewhorish

Whilstharlotsflatter,shallMenanderflourish.

Ennius,thoughrude,andAccius'shigh-rear'dstrain,

Afreshapplauseineveryageshallgain,

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OfVarro'sname,whatearshallnotl)etold,

OfJason'sArgoandthefleeceofgold?

ThenshallLucretius'loftynumbersdie,

Whenearthandseasinfireandflameshallfry.

Tityrus,Tillage,Mnee.shallberead,

WhilstRomeofalltheconqueredworldishead!

TillCupid'sfiresbeout,andhisbowbroken,

Thyverses,neatTibullus,shallbespoken.

OurGallussJiallbeknownfromeasttowest;

SoshallLycoris,whomhenowlovesbest.

Thesufferingplough-shareortheflintmaywear;

ButheavenlyPoesynodeathcanfear.

Kingsshallgiveplacetoit,andkinglyshores,

Thebankso'erwhichgold-bearingTagusfioivs.

Kneelhindstotrash:meletbrightPhoebusswell

WithcupsfullflowingfromtheMuses'well.

Frost-fearingmyrtleshallimpalemyhead,

AndofsadloversIbeoftenread.

Envytheliving,notthedead,dothbite!

Forafterdeathallmenreceivetheirright.

Then,whenthisbodyfallsinfuneralfire,

Mynameshalllive,andmybestpartaspire.

EnterOVIDsenior,folloivedbyLTJSCUS,TUCCA,andLUPUS.

Ovidse.Yournameshalllive,indeed,sir!yousaytrue:buthowinfamously,howscorn'dandconterun'dintheeyesandearsofthebestandgravestRomans,thatyouthinknoton;youneversomuchasdreamofthat.Arethesethefruitsofallmytravailandexpenses?Isthisthescopeandaimofthystudies?Arethesethehopefulcourses,wherewithIhavesolong

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flatteredmyexpectationfromthee?Verses!Poetry!Ovid,whomIthoughttoseethepleader,becomeOvidtheplay-maker!

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Ovidju.No,sir.

Ovidse.Yes,sir;Ihearofatragedyofyourscomingforthforthecommonplayersthere,call'dMedea.Bymyhouseholdgods,ifIcometotheactingofit,I'lladdonetragicpartmorethanisyetexpectedtoit:believeme,whenIpromiseit.What!shallIhavemysonastagernow?anenghleforplayers?agull,arook,ashot-clog,tomakesuppers,andbelaugh'dat?Publius,Iwillsettheeonthefuneralpilefirst.

Ovidju.Sir,Ibeseechyoutohavepatience.

Lus.Nay,this'tistohaveyourearsdamn'duptogoodcounsol.Ididaugurallthistohimbeforehand,withoutporingintoanox'spaunchforthematter,andyethewouldnotbescrupulous.

Tuc.Hownow,goodmanslave!what,rowly-powly?allrivals,rascal?Why,mymasterofworship,dosthear?arethesethybestprojects?isthisthydesigns;uxlthydiscipline,tosufferknaves

tobecompetitorswithcommandersandgentlemen?Areweparallels,rascal,areweparallels?

Ovidse.Sirrah,gogetmyhorsesready.You'llstillbeprating.

Tuc.Do,youperpetualstinkard,do,go;talktotapstersandostlers,youslave;theyareinyourelement,go;herebetheemperor'scaptains,youraggamumnrascal,andnotyourcomrades.

[ExitLuscus.

Lup.Indeed,MarcusOvid,theseplayersareanidlegeneration,anddomuchharminastate,corruptyounggentryverymuch,Iknowit;Ihavenotbeenatribunethuslongandobservednothing:besides,theywillrobus,us,thataremagistrates,ofourrespect,bringusupontheirstages,andmakeusridiculoustotheplebeians;theywillplayyouorme,thewisestmentheycancomebystill,onlytobringusincontemptwiththevulgar,andmakeuscheap.

Tur.Thouartintheright,myvenerablecropshin,theywillindeed;thetongueoftheoraclenevertwang'dtruer.Yourcourtiercannotkisshismistress'sslippersinquietforthem;noryourwhiteinnocentgallantpawnhisrevellingsuittomakehispunkasupper.Anhonestdecayedcommandercannotskelder,cheat,norbeseeninabawdy-house,butheshallbestraightinoneoftheirwormwoodcomedies.Theyaregrownlicentious,therogues;libertines,flatlibertines.Theyforgettheyareinthestatute,therascals;theyareblazon'dthere;theretheyaretrick'd,theyandtheirpedigrees;theyneednootherheralds,Iwiss.

Ovidse.Methinks,ifnothingelse,yetthisalone,theveryreadingofthepublicedicts,shouldfrighttheefromcommercewiththem,andgivetheedistasteenoughoftheiractions.Butthisbetrayswhatastudentyouare,thisarguesyourproficiencyinthelawI

Ovidju.Theywrongme,sir,anddoabuseyoumore,Thatblowyourearswiththeseuntruereports.Iamnotknownuntotheopenstage,NordoItrafficintheirtheatres:Indeed,Ido

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acknowledge,atrequestOfsomenearfriends,andhonourableRomans,Ihavebegunapoemofthatnature.

Ovidse.Youhave,sir,apoem!andwhereisit?That'sthelawyoustudy.

Ovidju.CorneliusGallusborrowedittoread.

Ovidse.CorneliusGallus!there'sanothergallanttoohathdrunkofthesamepoison,andTibullusandPropertius.Butthesearegentlemenofmeansandrevenuesnow.Thouartayoungerbrother,andhastnothingbuttheybareexhibition;whichIprotestshallbebareindeed,ifthouforsakenottheseunprofitableby-courses,andthattimelytoo.Namemeaprofestpoet,thathispoetrydideveraffordhimsomuchasacompetency.Ay,yourgodofpoetsthere,whomallofyouadmireandreverencesomuch,Homer,hewhoseworm-eatenstatuemustnotbespewedagainst,butwithhallow'dlipsandgrovelingadoration,whatwashe?whatwashe?

Tuc.Marry,I'lltellthee,oldswaggerer;hewasapoorblind,rhymingrascal,thatlivedobscurelyupanddowninboothsandtap-houses,andscarceevermadeagoodmealinhissleep,thewhoresonhungrybeggar.

Ovidse.Hesayswell:—nay,Iknowthisnettlesyounow;butanswerme,isitnottrue?You'lltellmehisnameshalllive;andthatnowbeingdeadhisworkshaveeternisedhim,andmadehimdivine:butcouldthisdivinityfeedhimwhilehelived?couldhisnamefeasthim?

Tuc.Orpurchasehimasenator'srevenue,couldit?

Ovidse.Ay,orgivehimplaceinthecommonwealth?worship,orattendants?makehimbecarriedinhislitter?

Tuc.Thouspeakestsentences,oldBias.

Lup.Allthisthelawwilldo,youngsir,ifyou'llfollowit.

Ovidse.Ifhebemine,heshallfollowandobservewhatIwillapthimto,orIprofesshereopenlyandutterlytodisclaimhim.

Ovidju.Sir,letmecraveyouwillforegothesemoods;Iwillbeanything,orstudyanything;I'llprovetheunfashion'dbodyofthelawPureelegance,andmakeherrugged'ststrainsRunsmoothlyasPropertius'elegies.

Ovidse.Propertius'elegies?good!

Lup.Nay,youtakehimtooquickly,Marcus.

Ovidse.Why,hecannotspeak,hecannotthinkoutofpoetry;heisbewitch'dwithit.

Lup.Come,donotmisprisehim.

Ovidse.Misprise!ay,marry,Iwouldhavehimusesomesuchwordsnow;theyhavesome

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touch,sometasteofthelaw.Heshouldmakehimselfastyleoutofthese,andlethisPropertius'elegiesgoby.

Lup.Indeed,youngPublius,hethatwillnowhitthemark,mustshootthroughthelaw;wehavenootherplanetreigns,andinthatsphereyoumaysitandsingwithangels.Why,thelawmakesamanhappy,withoutrespectinganyothermerit;asimplescholar,ornoneatall,maybealawyer.

Tuc.Hetellstheetrue,mynobleneophyte;mylittlegram-maticaster,hedoes:itshallneverputtheetothymathematics,metaphysics,philosophy,andIknownotwhatsupposedsufficiencies;ifthoucanstbuthavethepatiencetoplodenough,talk,andmakeanoiseenough,beimpudentenough,and'tisenough.

Lup.Threebookswillfurnishyou.

Tuc.Andthelessartthebetter:besides,whenitshallbeinthepowerofthychevrilconscience,todorightorwrongatthypleasure,myprettyAlcibiades.

Lup.Ay,andtohavebettermenthanhimself,bymanythousanddegrees,toobservehim,andstandbare.

Tuc.True,andhetocarryhimselfproudandstately,andhavethelawonhissidefor't,oldboy.

Ovidse.Well,thedaygrowsold,gentlemen,andImustleave

you.Publius,ifthouwiltholdmyfavour,abandontheseidle,fruitlessstudies,thatsobewitchthee.SendJanushomehisbackfaceagain,andlookonlyforwardtothelaw:intendthat.Iwillallowtheewhatshallsuittheeintherankofgentlemen,andmaintainthysocietywiththebest;andundertheseconditionsIleavethee.Myblessingslightuponthee,ifthourespectthem;ifnot,mineeyesmaydropforthee,butthineownheartwillacheforitself;andsofarewell!What,aremyhorsescome?

Lus.Yes,sir,theyareatthegatewithout.

Ovidse.That'swell.—AsiniusLupus,aword.Captain,Ishalltakemyleaveofyou?

Tuc.No,mylittleoldboy,dispatchwithCothurnusthere:I'llattendthee,I—

Lus.Toborrowsometendrachms:Iknowhisproject.[Aside.

Ovidse.Sir,youshallmakemebeholdingtoyou.Now,captainTucca,whatsayyou?

Tuc.Why,whatshouldIsay,orwhatcanIsay,myflowero'theorder?ShouldIsaythouartrich,orthatthouarthonourable,orwise,orvaliant,orlearned,orliberal?why,thouartallthese,andthouknowestit,mynobleLucullus,thouknowestit.Come,benotashamedofthyvirtues,oldstump:honour'sagoodbroochtowearinaman'shatatalltimes.Thouartthemanofwar'sMecaenas,oldboy.Whyshouldstnotthoubegracedthenbythem,aswellasheisbyhispoets?—

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EnterPYRGUSandwhispersTUCCA.

Hownow,mycarrier,whatnews?

Lus.Theboyhasstayedwithinforhiscuethishalf-hour.[Aside.

Tuc.Come,donotwhispertome,butspeakitout:what;itisnotreasonagainstthestateIhope,isit?

Lus.Yes,againstthestateofmymaster'spurse.[Aside,andexit.

Pyr.[aloud.}Sir,Agrippadesiresyoutoforbearhimtillthenextweek;hismulesarenotyetcomeup.

Tuc.Hismules!nowthebots,thespavin,andtheglanders,andsomedozendiseasesmore,lightonhimandhismules!What,havetheytheyellows,hismules,thattheycomenofaster?oraretheyfoundered,ha?hismuleshavethestaggersbelike,havethey?

Pyr.Ono,sir;—thenyourtonguemightbesuspectedforoneofhismules.[Aside.

TucHeowesmealmostatalent,andhethinkstobearitawaywithhismules,doeshe?Sirrah,younutcracker,goyourwaystohimagain,andtellhimImusthavemoney,I:Icannoteatstonesandturfs,say.What,willheclemmeandmyfollowers?askhimanhewillclemme;do,go.Hewouldhavemefrymyjerkin,wouldhe?Away,setter,away.Yet,stay,mylittletumbler,thisoldboyshallsupplynow.Iwillnottroublehim,Icannotbeimportunate,I;Icannotbeimpudent.

Pyr.Alas,sir,no;youarethemostmaidenlyblushingcreatureupontheearth.[Aside.

Tuc.Dostthemhear,mylittlesixandfifty,orthereabouts?thouartnottolearnthehumoursandtricksofthatoldbaldcheater,Time;thouhastnotthischainfornothing.Menofworthhavetheirchimeras,aswellasothercreatures;andtheydoseemonsterssometimes,theydo,theydo,braveboy.

Pyr.Bettercheapthanheshallseeyou,Iwarranthim.[Aside,.

Tuc.Thoumustletmehavesix—sixdrachms,Imean,oldboy:thoushaltdoit;Itellthee,oldboy,thoushalt,andinprivatetoo,dostthousee?—Go,walkoff:[totheBoy]—There,there.Sixisthesum.Thyson'sagallantsparkandmustnotbeputoutofasudden.Comehither,Callimachus;thyfathertellsmethouarttoopoetical,boy:thoumustnotbeso;thoumustleavethem,youngnovice,thoumust;theyareasortofpoorstarvedrascals,thatareeverwraptupinfoullinen;andcanboastofnothingbutaleanvisage,peeringoutofaseam-rentsuit,theveryemblemsofbeggary.No,dosthear,turnlawyer,thoushaltbemysolicitor.—'Tisright,oldboy,is't?

Ovidse.Youwerebesttellit,captain.

Tuc.No;farethouwell,minehonesthorseman;andthou,oldbeaver.{ToLupus]—Praythee,Roman,whenthoucomesttotown,seemeatmylodging,visitmesometimes?thoushaltbe

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welcome,oldboy.Donotbalkme,goodswaggerer.Jovekeepthychainfrompawning;gothyways,ifthoulackmoneyI'lllendtheesome;I'llleavetheetothyhorsenow.Adieu.

Ovidse.Farewell,goodcaptain.

Tuc.Boy,youcanhavebuthalfasharenow,boy.

[Exit,followedbyPyrgus.

Ovidse.'Tisastrangeboldnessthataccompaniesthisfellow.—Come.

Ovidju.I'llgiveattendanceonyoutoyourhorse,sir,pleaseyou.

Ovidse.No;keepyourchamber,andfalltoyourstudies;doso:ThegodsofRomeblessthee![ExitwithLupus.

Ovidju.Andgivemestomachtodigestthislaw:Thatshouldhavefollow'dsure,hadIbeenhe.O,sacredPoesy,thouspiritofarts,Thesoulofscience,andthequeenofsouls;Whatprofaneviolence,almostsacrilege,Hathherebeenofferedthydivinities!ThatthineownguiltlesspovertyshouldarmProdigiousignorancetowoundtheethus!ForthenceisalltheirforceofargumentDrawnforthagainstthee;or,fromtheabuseOfthygreatpowersinadulteratebrains:When,wouldmenlearnbuttodistinguishspiritsAndsettruedifference'twixtthosejadedwitsThatrunabrokenpaceforcommonhire,Andthehighrapturesofahappymuse,Borneonthewingsofherimmortalthought,Thatkicksatearthwithadisdainfulhcd.

Andbeatsatheavengateswithherbrighthoofs;

Theywouldnotthen,withsuchdistortedfaces,

Anddesperatecensures,stabatPoesy.

Theywouldadmirebrightknowledge,andtheirminds

Shouldne'erdescendonsounworthyobjects

Asgold,ortitles;theywoulddreadfarmore

Tobethoughtignorant,thanbeknownpoor.

Thetimewasonce,whenwitdrown'dwealth;butnow,

Youronlybarbarismist'havewit,andwant.

Nomatternowinvirtuewhoexcels,

Hethathathcoin,hathallperfectionelse.

Tib.[ivithin.]Ovid!

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Ovid.Who'sthere?Comein.

EnterTIBULLUS.

Tib.Goodmorrow,lawyer.

Ovid.Goodmorrow,dearTibullus;welcome:sitdown.

Tib.NotI.What,sohardatit?Let'ssee,what'shere?Numaindecimonono!Nay,Iwillseeit—

Ovid.Pritheeaway—

Tib.Ifthriceinfieldamanvanquishhisfoe,

'Tisafterinhischoicetoserveorno.How,now,Ovid!Lawcasesinverse?

Ovid.Intruth,Iknownot;theyrunfrommypenunwittinglyiftheybeverse.What'sthenewsabroad?

Tib.Offwiththisgown;Icometohavetheewalk.

Ovid.No,goodTibullus,I'mnotnowincase.Prayletmealone.

Tib.How!notincase?Slight,thou'rtintoomuchcase,byallthislaw.

Ovid.Troth,ifIlive,IwillnewdressthelawInsprightlyPoesy'shabiliments.

Tib.Thehellthouwilt!What!turnlawintoverse?Thyfatherhasschool'dthee,Isee.Here,readthatsame;There'ssubjectforyou;and,ifImistakenot,Asupersedeastoyourmelancholy.

Ovid.How!subscribedJulia!Omylife,myheaven!

Tib.Isthemoodchanged?

Ovid.Musicofwit!noteforth'harmoniousspheres!Celestialaccents,howyouravishme!

Tib.Whatisit,Ovid?

Ovid.ThatImustmeetmyJulia,theprincessJulia.

Tib.Where?

Ovid.Why,at

Heart,I'veforgot;mypassionsotransportsme.

Tib.I'llsaveyourpains:itisatAlbius'house,Thejeweller's,wherethefairLycorislies.

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Ovid.Who?Cytheris,CorneliusGallus'love?

Tib.Ay,he'llbetheretoo,andmyPlautia.

Ovid.AndwhynotyourDelia?

Tib.Yes,andyourCorinna.

Odd.True;but,mysweetTibullus,keepthatsecret?Iwouldnot,forallRome,itshouldbethoughtIveilbrightJuliaunderneaththatname:Julia,thegemandjewelofmysoul,Thattakesherhonoursfromthegoldensky,Asbeautydothalllustrefromhereye.TheairrespiresthepureElysiansweetsInwhichshebreathes,andfromherlooksdescendThegloriesofthesummer.Heavensheis,Praisedinherselfaboveallpraise;andheWhichhearsherspeak,wouldswearthetunefulorbsTurn'dinhiszenithonly.

Tib.Publius,thou'ltlosethyself.

Ovid.0,innolabyrinthcanIsafeliererr,ThanwhenIlosemyselfinpraisingher.Hence,law,andwelcomeMuses,thoughnotrich,Yetareyoupleasing:let'sbereconciled,Andnewmadeone.Henceforth,IpromisefaithAndallmyserioushourstospendwithyou;Withyou,whosemusicstrikethonmyheart,Andwithbewitchingtonesstealsforthmyspirit,InJulia'sname;fairJulia:Julia'sloveShallbealaw,andthatsweetlawI'llstudy,ThelawandartofsacredJulia'slove:Allotherobjectswillbutabjectsprove.

Tib.Come,weshallhavetheeaspassionateasPropertius,anon.

Ovid.0,howdoesmySextus?

Tib.Faith,fullofsorrowforhisCynthia'sdeath.

Ovid.What,still?

Tib.Still,andstillmore,hisgriefsdogrowuponhimAsdohishours.NeverdidIknowAnunderstandingspiritsotaketoheartThecommonworkofFate.

Ovid.O,myTibullus,

Letusnotblamehim;foragainstsuchchancesTheheartieststrifeofvirtueisnotproof.WemayreadconstancyandfortitudeToothersouls;buthadourselvesbeenstruckWiththelikeplanet,hadourloves,likehis,Beenravish'dfromusbyinjuriousdeath,Andintheheightandheatofourbestdays,Itwouldhavecrack'doursinewrs,shrunkourveins,Andmadeourveryheart-stringsjar,likehis.Come,let'sgotakehimforth,andproveifmirthOrcompanywillbutabatehispassion.

Tib.Content,andIimplorethegodsitmay.[Exeunt.

ACTII

SCENEI.—ARoominALBIUS'SHouse.EnterALBITJSandCRISPINUS.

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Alb.MasterCrispinus,youarewelcome:prayuseastool,sir.YourcousinCytheriswillcomedownpresently.Wearesobusyforthereceivingofthesecourtiershere,thatIcanscarcebeaminutewithmyself,forthinkingofthem:Prayyousit,sir;prayyousit,sir.

Crisp.Iamverywell,sir.Nevertrustme,butyouraremostdelicatelyseatedhere,fullofsweetdelightandblandishment!anexcellentair,anexcellentair!

Alb.Ay,sir,'tisaprettyair.Thesecourtiersruninmymindstill;Imustlookout.ForJupiter'ssake,sit,sir;orpleaseyouwalkintothegarden?There'sagardenontheback-side.

Crisp.Iammoststrenuouslywell,Ithankyou,sir.

Alb.Muchgooddoyou,sir.

EnterCHLOE,withtwoMaids.

Chloe.Come,bringthoseperfumesforwardalittle,andstrewsomerosesandvioletshere:Fie!hereberoomssavourthemostpitifullyrankthateverIfelt.Icrythegodsmercy,[seesAlbius.]myhusband'sinthewindofus!

Alb.Why,thisisgood,excellent,excellent!wellsaid,mysweetChloe;trimupyourhousemostobsequiously.

Chloe.ForVulcan'ssake,breathesomewhereelse;introthyouovercomeourperfumesexceedingly;youaretoopredominant.

Alb.Hearbutmyopinion,sweetwife.

Chloe.Apinforyourpinion!Insincerity,ifyoubethusfulsometomeineverything,I'llbedivorced.Godsmybody!youknowwhatyouwerebeforeImarriedyou;Iwasagentlewomanborn,I;Ilostallmyfriendstobeacitizen'swife,becauseIheard,indeed,theykepttheirwivesasfineasladies;andthatwemightruleourhusbandslikeladies,anddowhatwelisted;doyouthinkIwouldhavemarriedyouelse?

Alb.Iacknowledge,sweetwife:—shespeaksthebestofanywomaninItaly,andmovesasmightily;whichmakesme,Ihadrathersheshouldmakebumpsonmyhead,asbigasmytwofingers,thanIwouldoffendher.—But,sweetwife—

Chloe.Yetagain!Isitnotgraceenoughforyou,thatIcallyouhusband,andyoucallmewife;butyoumuststillbepokingme,againstmywill,tothings?

Alb.Butyouknow,wife,herearethegreatestladies,andgallantestgentlemenofRome,tobeentertainedinourhousenow;andIwouldfainadvisetheetoentertaintheminthebestsort,i'faith,wife.

Chloe.Insincerity,didyoueverhearamantalksoidly?You

wouldseemtobemaster!youwouldhaveyourspokeinmycart!youwouldadvisemetoentertainladiesandgentlemen!Becauseyoucanmarshalyourpack-needles,horse-combs,

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hobby-horses,andwall-candlesticksinyourwarehousebetterthanI,thereforeyoucantellhowtoentertainladiesandgentlefolksbetterthanI?

.4/6.0,mysweetwife,upbraidmenotwiththat;gainsavourssweetlyfromanything;hethatrespectstoget,mustrelishallcommoditiesalike,andadmitnodifferencebetweenoadeandfrankincense,orthemostpreciousbalsamumandatar-barrel.

Chloe.Marry,foh!yousellsnufferstoo,ifyouberemember'd;butIprayyouletmebuythemoutofyourhand;for,Itellyoutrue,Itakeithighlyinsnuff,tolearnhowtoentertaingentlefolksofyou,attheseyears,i'faith.Alas,man,therewasnotagentlemancametoyourhouseinyourt'otherwife'stime,Ihope!noralady,normusic,normasques!Noryounoryourhouseweresomuchasspokenof,beforeIdisbasedmyself,frommyhoodandmyfarthingal,tothesebum-rowlsandyourwhale-bonebodice.

Alb.Lookhere,mysweetwife;Iammum,mydearmummia,

mybalsamum,myspermaceti,andmyverycityofShehas

themostbest,true,femininewitinRome!

Cris.Ihaveheardso,sir;anddomostvehementlydesiretoparticipatetheknowledgeofherfairfeatures.

Alb.Ah,peace;youshallhearmoreanon:benotseenyet,Iprayyou;notyet:observe.[Exit.

Chloe.'Sbody!givehusbandstheheadalittlemore,andthey'llbenothingbutheadshortly:What'shethere?

1Maid.Iknownot,forsooth.

2Maid.Whowouldyouspeakwith,sir?Cris.IwouldspeakwithmycousinCytheris.

2Maid.Heisone,forsooth,wouldspeakwithhiscousinCytheris.

Chloe.Issheyourcousin,sir?

Cris.[comingforward.}Yes,intruth,forsooth,forfaultofabetter.

Chloe.Sheisagentlewoman.

Cris.Orelsesheshouldnotbemycousin,Iassureyou.

Chloe.Areyouagentlemanborn?

Cris.ThatIam,lady;youshallseeminearms,ifitpleaseyou.

Chloe.No,yourlegsdosufficientlyshewyouareagentlemanborn,sir;foramanborneuponlittlelegs,isalwaysagentlemanborn.

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Cris.Yet,Iprayyou,vouchsafethesightofmyarms,mistress;forIbearthemaboutme,tohavethemseen:MynameisCrispins,orCrispinasindeed;whichiswellexpressedinmyarms;afacecryinginchief;andbeneathitabloodytoe,betweenthreethornspungent.

Chloe.Thenyouarewelcome,sir:nowyouareagontlomnnborn,Icanfindinmyhearttowelcomeyou;forIamagentlewomanborntoo,andwillbearmyheadhighenough,though'tweremyfortunetomarryatradesman.

Cris.Nodoubtofthat,sweetfeature;yourcarriageshewsitinanyman'seye,thatiscarrieduponyouwithjudgment.

Re-enterALBITJS.

Alb.Dearwife,benotangry.

Chloe.Godsmypassion!

Alb.Hearmebutonething;letnotyourmaidssetcushionsintheparlourwindows,norinthedining-chamberwindows;noruponstools,ineitherofthem,inanycase;for'tistavern-like:butlaythemoneuponanother,insomeout-roomorcornerofthedining-chamber.

Chloe.Go,go;meddlewithyourbed-chamberonly;orratherwithyourbedinyourchamberonly;orratherwithyourwifeinyourbedonly;oronmyfaithI'llnotbepleasedwithyouonly.

Alb.Lookhere,mydearwife,entertainthatgentlemankindly,Ipritheemum.[Exit.

Chloe.Go,Ineedyourinstructionsindeed!angermenomore,Iadviseyou.Citi-sin,quotha!she'sawisegentlewoman,i'faith,willmarryherselftothesinofthecity.

Alb.[re-entering.]Butthistime,andnomore,byheav'n,wife:hangnopicturesinthehall,norinthedining-chamber,inanycase,butinthegalleryonly;for'tisnotcourtlyelse,o'myword,wife.

Chloe.'Sprecious,neverhavedone!

Alb.Wife-[Exit.

Chloe.DoInotbearareasonablecorrigiblehandoverhim,Crispinus?

Cris.Bythishand,lady,youholdamostsweethandoverhim.

Alb.[re-entering.]Andthen,forthegreatgiltandirons—

Chloe.Again!Wouldtheandironswereinyourgreatgutsforme!

Alb.Idovanish,wife.[Exit.

Chloe.HowshallIdo,masterCrispinus?herewillbeallthebravestladiesincourtpresently

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toseeyourcousinCytheris:Othegods!howmightIbehavemyselfnow,astoentertainthemmostcourtly?

Cris.Marry,lady,ifyouwillentertainthemmostcourtly,youmustdothus:assoonaseveryourmaidoryourmanbringsyouwordtheyarecome,youmustsay,Apoxon'em!whatdotheyhere?Andyet,whentheycome,speakthemasfair,andgivethemthekindestwelcomeinwordsthatcanbe.

Chloe.Isthatthefashionofcourtiers,Crispinus?

Cris.Iassureyouitis,lady;Ihaveobservedit.

Chloe.Foryourpox,sir,itiseasilyhiton;butitisnotsoeasytospeakfairafter,methinks.

Alb.[re-entering.~\0,wife,thecoachesarecome,onmyword;anumberofcoachesandcourtiers.

Chloe.Apoxonthem!whatdotheyhere?

Alb.Hownow,wife!would'stthounothavethemcome?

Chloe.Come!come,youareafool,you.—Heknowsnotthe

trickon't.CallCytheris,Iprayyou:and,goodmasterCrispinus,youcanobserve,yousay;letmeentreatyouforalltheladies'behaviours,jewels,jests,andattires,thatyoumarking,aswellasI,wemayputbothourmarkstogether,whentheyaregone,andconferofthem.

Cris.Iwarrantyou,sweetlady;letmealonetoobservetillIturnmyselftonothingbutobservation.—

EnterCYTHERIS.

Goodmorrow,cousinCytheris.

Cyth.Welcome,kindcousin.What!aretheycome?

Alb.Ay,yourfriendCorneliusGallus,Ovid,Tibullus,Propertius,withJulia,theemperor'sdaughter,andtheladyPlautia,are'lightedatthedoor;andwiththemHermogenesTigellius,theexcellentmusician.

Cyth.Come,letusgomeetthem,Chloe.

Chloe.Observe,Crispinus.

Crisp.Atahair'sbreadth,lady,Iwarrantyou.

,4stheyaregoingout,enterCORNELIUSGALLUS,OVID,TIBULLUS,PROPERTIUS,HERMOGEXES,JULIA,andPLAUTIA.

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Gal.HealthtothelovelyChloe!youmustpardonme,mistress,thatIpreferthisfairgentlewoman.

Cyth.Ipardonandpraiseyouforit,sir;andIbeseechyourexcellence,receiveherbeautiesintoyourknowledgeandfavour.

Jul.Cytheris,shehathfavourandbehaviour,thatcommandsasmuchofme:and,sweetChloe,knowIdoexceedinglyloveyou,andthatIwillapproveinanygracemyfathertheemperormayshewyou.Isthisyourhusband?

Alb.Forfaultofabetter,ifitpleaseyourhighness.

Chloe.Godsmylife,howheshamesme!

Cyth.Notawhit,Chloe,theyallthinkyoupoliticandwitty;wisewomenchoosenothusbandsfortheeye,merit,orbirth,butwealthandsovereignty.

Ovid.Sir,weallcometogratulate,forthegoodreportofyou.

Tib.Andwouldbegladtodeserveyourlove,sir.

Alb.Mywifewillansweryouall,gentlemen;I'llcometoyouagainpresently.[Exit.

Plau.Youhavechosenyouamostfaircompanionhere,Cytheris,andaveryfairhouse.

Cyth.Tobothwhich,youandallmyfriendsareverywelcome,Plautia.

Chl»e.Withallmyheart,Iassureyourladyship.

Plau.Thanks,sweetmistressChloe.

Jul.Youmustneedscometocourt,lady,i'faith,andtherebesureyourwelcomeshallbeasLrn-utt<>u^.

Ovid.Shewilldeserveit,madam;Isee,eveninherlooks,gentry,andgeneralworthiness.

Tib.Ihavenotseenamorecertaincharacterofanexcellentdisposition.

Alb.[re-entering.~\Wife!

Cliloe.O,theydosocommendmehere,thecourtiers!what'sthematternow?

Alb.Forthebanquet,sweetwife.

Cliloe.Yes;andImustneedscometocourt,andbewelcome,theprincesssays.[ExitwithAlbius.

Gal.OvidandTibullus,youmaybeboldtowelcomeyourmistresshere.

Ovid.Wefinditso,sir.

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Tib.AndthankCorneliusGallus.

Ovid.Nay,mysweetSextus,infaiththouartnotsociable.

Prop.InfaithIamnot,Publius;norIcannot.Sickmindsarelikesickmenthatburnwithfevers,Whowhentheydrink,pleasebutapresenttaste,Andafterbearamoreimpatientfit.Prayletmeleaveyou;Ioffendyouall,Andmyselfmost.

Gal.Stay,sweetPropertius.

Tib.Youyieldtoomuchuntoyourgriefsandfate,Whichneverhurts,butwhenwesayithurtsus.

Prop.Opeace,Tibullus;yourphilosophyLendsyoutooroughahandtosearchmywounds.Speaktheyofgriefs,thatknowtosighandgrieve:ThefreeandunconstrainedspiritfeelaNoweightofmyoppression.[Exit.

Ovid.WorthyRoman!MethinksItastehismisery,andcouldSitdown,andchideathismalignantstars.

Jnl.MethinksIlovehim,thathelovessotruly.

Cyih.Thisistheperfect'stlove,livesafterdeath.

Gal.Suchistheconstantgroundofvirtuestill.

Plan.Itputsonaninseparableface.

Re-enterCHLOE.

Cliloe.Haveyoumark'deverything,Crispinus?

Cris.Everything,Iwarrantyou.

Chloe.Whatgentlemenarethese?doyouknowthem?

Cris.Ay,theyarepoets,lady.

Chloe.Poets!theydidnottalkofmesinceIwent,didthey?

Cris.0yes,andextolledyourperfectionstotheheavens.

Chloe.NowinsinceritytheybethefinestkindofmenthateverIknew:Poets!Couldnotonegettheemperortomakemyhusbandapoet,thinkyou?

Cris.No,lady,'tisloveandbeautymakepoets:andsinceyoulikepoetssowell,yourloveandbeautiesshallmakemeapoet.

Chloe.What!shallthey?andsuchaoneasthese?

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Cris.Ay,andabetterthanthese:Iwouldbesorryelse.

Chine.Andshallyourlookschange,andyourhairchange,andall,likethese?

Cris.Why,amanmaybeapoet,andyetnotchangehishair,lady.

Chloe.Well,weshallseeyourcunning:yet,ifyoucanchangeyourhair,Ipraydo.

Re-enterALBIUS.

Alb.Ladies,andlordlings,there'saslightbanquetstayswithinforyou;pleaseyoudrawnear,andaccostit.

Jul.Wethankyou,goodAlbius:butwhenshallweseethoseexcellentjewelsyouarecommendedtohave?

Alb.Atyourladyship'sservice.—Igotthatspeechbyseeingaplaylastday,anditdidmesomegracenow:Isee,'tisgoodtocollectsometimes;I'llfrequenttheseplaysmorethanIhavedone,nowIcometobefamiliarwithcourtiers.[Aside.

Gal.Why,hownow,Hermogenes?whatailestthou,trow?

Her.Alittlemelancholy;letmealone,prithee.

Gal.Melancholy1howso?

Her.Withriding:aplagueonallcoachesforme!

Chloe.Isthathard-favour'dgentlemanapoettoo,Cytheris?

Cyth.No,thisisHermogenes:ashumorousasapoet,though:heisamusician.

Chloe.Amusician!thenhecansing.

Cyth.Thathecan,excellently;didyouneverhearhim?

Chloe.Ono:willhebeentreated,thinkyou?

Cyth.Iknownot.—Friend,mistressChloewouldfainhearHermogenessing:areyouinterestedinhim?

Gal.Nodoubt,hisownhumanitywillcommandhimsofar,tothesatisfactionofsofairabeauty;butratherthanfail,we'llallbesuitorstohim.

Her.'Cannotsing.

Gal.Prithee,Hermogenes.

Her.'Cannotsing.

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Gal.Forhonourofthisgentlewoman,towhosehouseIknowthoumayestbeeverwelcome.

Chloe.Thatheshall,intruth,sir,ifhecansing.

Ovid.What'sthat?

Gal.ThisgentlewomaniswooingHermogenesforasong.

Ovid.Asong!come,heshallnotdenyher.Hermogenes!

Her.'Cannotsing.

Gal.No,theladiesmustdoit;hestaysbuttohavetheirthanksacknowledgedasadebttohiscunning.

Jul.Thatshallnotwant;ourselfwillbethefirstshallpromisetopayhimmorethanthanks,uponafavoursoworthilyvouchsafed.

Her.Thankyou,madam;but'willnotsing.

Tib.Tut,theonlywaytowinhim,istoabstainfromentreatinghim.

Cris.Doyoulovesinging,lady?

Chloe.0,pnssingly.

Cris.Entreattheladiestoentreatmetosingthen,Ibeseechyou.

Chloe.Ibeseechyourgrace,entreatthisgentlemantosing.

Jul,Thatwewill,Chloe;canhesingexcellently?

Chloe.Ithinkso,madam;forheentreatedmetoentreatyoutoentreathimtosing.

Cris.Heavenandearth!wouldyoutellthat?

Jul.Good,sir,let'sentreatyoutouseyourvoice.

Cris.Alas,madam,Icannot,intruth.

Pla.Thegentlemanismodest:Iwarrantyouhesingsexcellently.

Ovid.Hermogenes,clearyourthroat:Iseebyhim,here'sagentlemanwillworthilychallengeyou.

Cris.NotI,sir,I'llchallengenoman.

Tib.That'syourmodesty,sir;butwe,outofanassuranceofyourexcellency,challengehiminyourbehalf.

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Cris.Ithankyou,gentlemen,I'lldomybest.

Her.Letthatbestbegood,sir,youwerebest.

Gal.0,thiscontentionisexcellent!Whatis'tyousing,sir?

Cris.IfIfreelymaydiscover,sir;I'llsingthat.

Ovid.Oneofyourowncompositions,Hermogenes.Heoffersyouvantageenough.

Cris.Nay,truly,gentlemen,I'llchallengenoman.—Icansingbutonestaffofthedittyneither.

Gal.Thebetter:Hermogeneshimselfwillbeentreatedtosingtheother.

CRISPTNUSsings.

IfIfreelymaydiscover

Whatwouldpleasemeinmylover,

Iwouldhaveherfairandwitty,

Savouringmoreofcourtthancity;

Alittleproud,butfullofpity:

Lightandhumorousinhertoying,

Oftbuildinghopes,andsoondestroying,

Long,butsweetintheenjoying;

Neithertooeasynortoohard:

AllextremesIwouldhavebarr'd.

Gal.Believeme,sir,yousingmostexcellently.

Ovid.Iftherewereapraiseaboveexcellence,thegentlemanhighlydeservesit.

Her.Sir,allthisdothnotyetmakemeenvyyou;forIknowIsingbetterthanyou.

Tib.AttendHermogenes,now.

HERMOGENES,accompanied.

Sheshouldbeallow'dherpassions,Sotheywerebutusedasfashions;Sometimesfroward,andthenfrowning,Sometimessickishandthenswowning,

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Everyfitwithchangestillcrowning.PurelyjealousIwouldhaveher,ThenonlyconstantwhenIcraveher:'Tisavirtueshouldnotsaveher.Thus,norherdelicateswouldcloyme,Neitherherpeevishnessannoyme.

Jul.Nay,Hermogenes,yourmerithathlongsincebeenbothknownandadmiredofus.

Her,Youshallhearmesinganother.NowwillIbegin.

Gal.Weshalldothisgentleman'sbanquettoomuchwrong,thatstairsforus,ladies.

Jul.'Tistrue;andwellthoughton,CorneliusGallus.

Her.Why,'tisbutashortair,'twillbedonepresently,praystay:strike,music.

Ovid.No,goodHemogenes;we'llendthisdifferencewithin.

Jul.'Tisthecommondiseaseofallyourmusicians,thattheyknownomean,tobeentreatedeithertobeginorend.

Alb.Pleaseyouleadtheway,gentles.

All.Thanks,goodAlbius.[ExeuntallbutAlbius.

Alb.0,whatacharmofthankswashereputuponme!OJove,whatasettingforthitistoamantohavemanycourtierscometohishouse!Sweetlywasitsaidofagoodoldhousekeeper,/hadratherwantmeat,thanwantguests;especially,iftheybecourtlyguests.For,nevertrustme,ifoneoftheirgoodlegsmadeinahousebenotworthallthegoodcheeramancanmakethem.Hethatwouldhavefineguests,lethimhaveafinewife!hethatwouldhaveafinewife,lethimcometome.

Re-enterCRISPINUS.

Cris.Byyourkindleave,masterAlbius.

Alb.What,youarenotgone,masterCrispinus?

Cris.Yes,faith,Ihaveadesigndrawsmehence:pray,sir,fashionmeanexcusetotheladies.

Alb.Willyounotstayandseethejewels,sir?Iprayyoustay.

Cris.Notforamillion,sir,now.Letitsuffice,Imustrelinquish;andso,inaword,pleaseyoutoexpiatethiscompliment.

Alb..Alum.[Exit.

Cris.I'llpresentlygoandenghlesomebrokerforapoet'sgown,andbespeakagarland:andthen,jeweller,looktoyourbestjewol,i'faith.[£>//.

ACTIII

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SCENEI.—TheViaSacra(orHolyStreet}.EnterHORACE,CRISPINUSfollowing.

Hor.Umph!yes,Iwillbeginanodeso;anditshallbetoMecsenas.

Cris.'Slid,yonder'sHorace!theysayhe'sanexcellentpoet:Mecsenasloveshim.I'llfallintohisacquaintance,ifIcan;Ithinkhebecomposingashegoesinthestreet!ha!'tisagoodhumour,ifhebe:I'llcomposetoo.

Hor.Sivellmeabowlwithlustywine,

TillImayseetheplumpLyceusswim

Abovethebrim:IdrinkasIwouldwrite,InflowingmeasureftlVdwithftameandsprite.

Cris.SweetHorace,MinervaandtheMusesstandauspicioustothydesigns!Howfarestthou,sweetman?frolic?rich?gallant?ha!

Hor.Notgreatlygallant,sir;likemyfortunes,well:Iamboldtotakemyleave,sir;you'llnoughtelse,sir,wouldyou?

Cris.Troth,no,butIcouldwishthoudidstknowus,Horace;weareascholar,Iassurethee.

Hor.Ascholar,sir!Ishallbecovetousofyourfairknowledge.

Cris.Gramercy,goodHorace.Nay,wearenewturn'dpoettoo,whichismore;andasatiristtoo,whichismorethanthat:Iwritejustinthyvein,I.Iamforyourodes,oryoursermons,oranythingindeed;weareagentlemanbesides;ournameisRufusLaberiusCrispinus;weareaprettyStoictoo.

Hor.Totheproportionofyourbeard,Ithinkit,sir.

Cris.ByPhoebus,here'samostneat,finestreet,is'tnot?Iprotesttothee,Iamenamouredofthisstreetnow,morethanofhalfthestreetsofRomeagain;'tissopoliteandterse!there'sthefrontofabuildingnow!Istudyarchitecturetoo:ifeverIshouldbuild,I'dhaveahousejustofthatprospective.

Hor.Doubtless,thisgallant'stonguehasagoodturn,whenhesleeps.[Aside.

Cris.Idomakeverses,whenIcomeinsuchastreetasthis:O,yourcityladies,youshallhavethemsitineveryshoplikethe

MusesofferingyoutheCastaliandews,andtheThespianliquors,

toasmanyashavebutthesweetgraceandaudacityto-—sipoftheirlips.Didyouneverhearanyofmyverses?

Hor.No,sir;—butIaminsomefearImustnow.[Aside.

Cris.I'lltelltheesome,ifIcanbutrecoverthem,IcomposedevennowofadressingIsawa

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jeweller'swifewear,whoindeedwasajewelherself:Ipreferthatkindoftirenow;what'sthyopinion,

Horace?

Hor.Withyoursilverbodkin,itdoeswell,sir.

Cris.Icannottell;butitstirsmemorethanallyourcourt-curls,

oryourspangles,oryourtricks:Iaffectnotthesehighgable-ends,theseTuscantops,noryourcoronets,noryourarches,noryourpyramids;givemeafine,sweet—littledelicatedressingwithabodkin,asyousay;andamushroomforallyourotherornatures!

Hor.Isitnotpossibletomakeanescapefromhim?[Aside.

Cris.Ihaveremittedmyversesallthiswhile;IthinkIhaveforgotthem.

Hor.Here'shecouldwishyouhadelse.[Aside.

Cris.PrayJoveIcanentreatthemofmymemory!

Hor.Youputyourmemorytotoomuchtrouble,sir.

Cris.No,sweetHorace,wemustnothavetheethinkso.

Hor.Icryyoumercy;thentheyaremyearsThatmustbetortured:well,youmusthavepatience,ears.

Cris.Praythee,Horace,observe.

Hor.Yes,sir;yoursatinsleevebeginstofretattherugthatisunderneathit,Idoobserve:andyouramplevelvetbasesarenotwithoutevidentstainsofahotdispositionnaturally.

Cris.0—I'lldyethemintoanothercolour,atpleasure:Howmanyyardsofvelvetdostthouthinktheycontain?

Hor.'Heart!IhaveputhimnowinafreshwayTovexmemore:—faith,sir,yourmercer'sbookWilltellyouwithmorepatiencethanIcan:—ForIamcrost,andso'snotthat,Ithink.

Cris.'Slight,theseverseshavelostmeagain!Ishallnotinvitethemtomind,now.

Hor.Racknotyourthoughts,goodsir;ratherdeferitToanewtime;I'llmeetyouatyourlodging,Orwhereyouplease:'tillthen,Jovekeepyou,sir!

Cris.Xay,gentleHorace,stay;Ihaveitnow.

Hor.Yes,sir.Apollo,Hermes,Jupiter,Lookdownuponme.[Aside.

Cris.Richwasthyhap,sweetdaintycap,Theretobeplaced;

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Wherethysmoothblack,sleekwhitemaysmack,

Andbothbegraced.

\Vhiteisthereusurp'dforherbrow;herforehead:andthensleek,astheparalleltosmooth,thatwentbefore.Akindofparanomasie,oragnomination:doyouconceive,sir?

Hor.Excellent.Troth,sir,Imustbeabrupt,andleaveyou.

Cris.Why,whathastehastthou?prithee,stayalittle;thoushaltnotgoyet,byPhoabus.

Hor.Ishallnot!whatremedy?fie,howIsweatwithsuffering!

Cris.Andthen—

Unr.I'ray,sir,givemeleavetowipemyfacealittle.

Cris.Yes,do,goodHorace.

Hor.Thankyou,sir.

Death!Imustcravehisleavetop—anon;')rth.itIniavLrohencewithhalfmyteeiIaminsomesuchfear.Thistyranny

Isstrange,totakemineearsupbycommission,

(WhetherIwillorno,)andmakethemstalls

Tohislewdsolecisms,andwordedtrash.

Happythou,boldBolanus,nowIsay;

Whosefreedom,andimpatienceofthisfellow,

Would,longerethis,havecall'dhimfool,andfool,

Andrankandtediousfool!andhaveflungjests

Ashardasstones,tillthouhadstpeltedhim

Outoftheplace;whilstmytamemodesty

Suffersmywitbemadeasolemnass,

Tobearhisfopperies—[Aside.

Gris.Horace,thouartmiserablyaffectedtobegone,Isee.But—pritheelet'sprovetoenjoytheeawhile.Thouhastnobusiness,Iassureme.WTiitheristhyjourneydirected,ha?

Hor.Sir,Iamgoingtovisitafriendthat'ssick.

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CrisAfriend!whatishe;donotIknowhim?

Hor.No,sir,youdonotknowhim;and'tisnottheworseforhim.

Cris.What'shisname?whereishelodged?

Hor.WhereIshallbefearfultodrawyououtofyourway,sir;agreatwayhence;pray,sir,let'spart.

Cris.Nay,butwhereis't?Ipritheesay.

Hor.OnthefarsideofallTyberyonder,byCaesar'sgardens.

Cris.O,that'smycoursedirectly;Iamforyou.Come,go;whystand'stthou?

Hor.Yes,sir:marry,theplagueisinthatpartofthecity;Ihadalmostforgottotellyou,sir.

Cris.Foh!itisnomatter,Ifearnopestilence;IhavenotoffendedPhoebus.

Hor.Ihave,itseems,orelsethisheavyscourgeCouldne'erhavelightedonme.

Cris.Comealong.

Hor.Iamtogodownsomehalfmilethisway,sir,first,tospeakwithhisphysician;andfromthencetohisapothecary,whereIshallstaythemixingofdiversdrugs.

Cris.Why,it'sallone,Ihavenothingtodo,andIlovenottobeidle;I'llbeartheecompany.Howcall'stthoutheapothecary?

Hor.OthatIknewanamewouldfrighthimnow!—Sir,Rhadamanthus,Rhadamanthus,sir.There'sonesocalled,isajustjudgeinhell,AnddothinflictstrangevengeanceonallthoseThathereonearthtormentpoorpatientspirits.

Cris.HedwellsattheThreeFuries,byJanus'stemple.

Hor.Yourpothecarydoes,sir.

Cris.Heart,Iowehimmoneyforsweetmeats,andhehaslaidtoarrestme,Ihear:but—

Hor.Sir,Ihavemadeamostsolemnvow,Iwillneverbailanyman.

Cris.Wellthen,I'llswear,andspeakhimfair,iftheworstcome.ButhisnameisMinos,notRhadamanthus,Horace.

Hor.Thatmaybe,sir,Ibutguess'dathisnamebyhissign.ButyourMinosisajudgetoo,sir.

Cris.Iprotesttothee,Horace,(dobuttastemeonce,)ifIdoknowmyself,andmineownvirtuestruly,thouwiltnotmakethatesteemofVarius,orVirgil,orTibullus,oranyof'emindeed,asnowinthyignorancethoudost;whichIamcontenttoforgive:Iwouldfainsee

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whichofthesecouldpenmoreversesinaday,orwithmorefacility,thanI;orthatcouldcourthismistress,kissherhand,makebettersportwithherfanorherdog—

Hor.Icannotbailyouyet,sir.

Cris.Orthatcouldmovehisbodymoregracefully,ordancebetter;youshouldseeme,wereitnotinthestreet—

Hor.Noryet.

Cris.Why,Ihavebeenareveller,andatmyclothofsilversuitandmylongstocking,inmytime,andwillbeagain—

Hor.Ifyoumaybetrusted,sir.

Cris.Andthen,formysinging,Hermogeneshimselfenviesme,thatisyouronlymasterofmusicyouhaveinRome.

Hor.Isyourmotherliving,sir?

Cris.Au!convertthythoughtstosomewhatelse,Ipraythee.

Hor.Youhavemuchofthemotherinyou,sir:Yourfatherisdead?

Cris.Ay,IthankJove,andmygrandfathertoo,andallmykinsfolks,andwellcomposedintheirurns.

Hor.Themoretheirhappiness,thatrestinpeace,Freefromtheabundanttortureofthytongue:WouldIwerewiththemtoo!

Cris.What'sthat,Horace?

Hor.Inowrememberme,sir,ofasadfataAcunningwoman,oneSabella,sung,Wheninherurnshecastmydestiny,Ibeingbutachild.

Cris.Whatwasit,Ipraythee?

Hor.ShetoldmeIshouldsurelyneverperishByfamine,poison,ortheenemy'ssword;Thehecticfever,cough,orpleurisy,Shouldneverhurtme,northetardygout:Butinmytime.IshouldbeoncesurprisedByastrongtedioustalker,thatshouldvexAndalmostbringmetoconsumption:Therefore,ifIwerewise,shewarn'dmeshunAllsuchlong-windedmonstersasmybane;ForifIcouldbut'scapethatonediscourser,Imightnodoubtproveanoldagedman.—Byyourleave,sir.[Gninrj.

Cris.Tut,tut;abandonthisidlehumour,'tisnothingbutmelancholy.'ForeJove,nowIthinkon't,Iamtoappearincourthere,toanswertoonethathasmeinsuit:sweetHorace,gowithme,thisismyhour;ifInegleetit,thelawproceedsagainstme.

Thouartfamiliarwiththesethings;prithee,ifthoulov'stme,go.

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Hor.Now,letmedie,sir,ifIknowyourlaws,OrhavethepowertostandstillhalfsolongIntheirloudcourts,aswhileacaseisargued.Besides,youknow,sir,whereIamtogo.Andthenecessity—

Cris.'Tistrue.

Hor.Ihopethehourofmyreleasebecome:hewill,uponthisconsideration,dischargeme,sure.

Cris.Troth,IamdoubtfulwhatImaybestdo,whethertoleavetheeormyaffairs,Horace.

Hor.OJupiter!me,sir,me,byanymeans;Ibeseechyou,me,sir.

Cris.No,faith,I'llventurethosenow;thoushaltseeIlovethee—come,Horace.

Hor.Nay,thenIamdesperate:Ifollowyou,sir.'Tishardcontendingwithamanthatovercomesthus.

Cris.AndhowdealsMecsenaswiththee?liberally,ha?isheopenhanded?bountiful?

Hor.He'sstillhimself,sir.

Cris.Troth,Horace,thouartexceedinghappyinthyfriendsandacquaintance;theyareallmostchoicespirits,andofthefirstrankofRomans:Idonotknowthatpoet,Iprotest,hasusedhisfortunemoreprosperouslythanthouhast.IfthouwouldstbringmeknowntoMecsenas,Ishouldsecondthydesertwell;thoushouldstfindagoodsureassistantofme,onethatwouldspeakallgoodoftheeinthyabsence,andbecontentwiththenextplace,notenvyingthyreputationwiththypatron.Letmenotlive,butIthinkthouandI,inasmalltime,shouldliftthemalloutoffavour,bothVirgil,Varius,andthebestofthem,andenjoyhimwhollytoourselves.

Hor.Gods,youdoknowit,Icanholdnolonger;Thisbrizehasprick'dmypatience.Sir,yoursilknessClearlymistakesMecaenasandhishouse,Tothinktherebreathesaspiritbeneathhisroof,SubjectuntothosepooraffectionsOfunderminingenvyanddetraction,Moodsonlypropertobasegrovellingminds.ThatplaceisnotinRome,Idareaffirm,Morepureorfreefromsuchlowcommonevils.There'snomangriev'd,thatthisisthoughtmorerich,Orthismorelearned;eachmanhathhisplace,Andtohismerithisrewardofgrace,Which,withamutuallove,theyallembrace.

Cris.Youreportawonder:'tisscarcecredible,this.

Hor.Iamnotorturertoenforceyoutobelieveit;butitisso.

Cris.Why,thisinflamesmewithamoreardentdesiretobehis,thanbefore;butIdoubtIshallfindtheentrancetohisfamiliaritysomewhatmorethandifficult,Horace.

ThePoetaster

257

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Hor,Tut,you'llconquerhim,asyouhavedoneme;there'snostandingoutagainstyou,sir,Iseethat:e.theryourimportunity,ortheintimationofyourgoodparts,or—

Cris.Nay,I'llbribehisporter,andthegroomsofhischamber;makehisdoorsopentomethatwayfirst,andthenI'llobservemytimes.Sayheshouldextrudemehishouseto-day,shallIthereforedesist,orletfallmysuitto-morrow?No;I'llattendhim,followhim,meethiminthestreet,thehighways,runbyhiscoach,neverleavehim.What!manhathnothinggivenhiminthislifewithoutmuchlabour—

Hor.Andimpudence.Archerofheaven,Phosbus,takethybow,Andwithafull-drawnshaftnailtotheearthThisPython,thatImayyetrunhenceandlive:Or,brawnyHercules,dothoucomedown,And,tho'thoumak'stitupthythirteenthlabour,Rescuemefromthishydraofdiscoursehere.

EnterFuscusAP.ISTIUS.

Ari.Horace,wellmet.

Hor.0welcome,myreliever;Aristius,asthoulov'stme,ransomme.

Ari.Whatail'stthou,man?

Hor.'Death,IamseizedonhereByalandremora;Icannotstir,Normove,butashepleases.

Cris.Wiltthougo,Horace?

Hor.Heart!hecleavestomelikeAlcides'shirt,Tearingmyfleshandsinews:0,I'vebeenvex'dAndtorturedwithhimbeyondfortyfevers.ForJove'ssake,findsomemeanstotakemefromhim.

Ari.Yes,Iwill;—butI'llgofirstandtellMecoRiias.[A^ide.

Cris.Come,shallwego?

Ari.Thejestwillmakehiseyesrun,i'faith.[Aside.

Hor.Nay,Aristius!

Ari.Farewell,Horace.[Going.

Hor.'Death!willheleaveme?FuscusAristius!doyouhear?ClodsofRome!Yousaidyouhadsomewhattosaytomeinprivate.

Ari.Ay,butIseeyouarenowemployedwiththatgentleman;'twereoffencetotroubleyou;I'lltakesomefitteropportunity:farewell.[Exit.

Unr.Mischiefandtorment!Omysoulandheart,Howareyoucramp'dwithanguish!DeathitselfI'.ringsnotthelikeconvulsions.O,thisday!ThateverIsinmidviewthytediousface.—

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Cris.Horace,whatpassion,whathumouristhis?

Afriend,andmockmethus!NeverwasmanSoleftundertheaxe.—

EnterMINOSwithtwoLictors.

Hownow?

Min.That'sheintheembroideredhat,there,withtheash-colour'dfeather:hisnameisLaberiusCrispinus.

Lict.LaberiusCrispinus,Iarrestyouintheemperor'sname.

Cris.Me,sir!doyouarrestme?

Lict.Ay,sir,atthesuitofmasterMinostheapothecary.

Hor.Thanks,greatApollo,Iwillnotslipthyfavourofferedmeinmyescape,formyfortunes.[Exithastily.

Cris.MasterMinos!IknownomasterMinos.Where'sHorace?Horace!Horace!

Min.Sir,donotyouknowme?

Cris.Oyes,Iknowyou,masterMinos;cryyoumercy.ButHorace?God'sme,ishegone?

Min.Ay,andsowouldyoutoo,ifyouknewhow.—Officer,looktohim.

Cris.Doyouhear,masterMinos?prayletusbeusedlikeamanofourownfashion.ByJanusandJupiter,Imeanttohavepaidyounextweekeverydrachm.Seeknottoeclipsemyreputationthusvulgarly.

Min.Sir,youroathscannotserveyou;youknowIhaveforborneyoulong.

Cris.Iamconsciousofit,sir.Nay,Ibeseechyou,gentlemen,donotexhalemethus,remember'tisbutforsweetmeats—

Lict.Sweetmeatmusthavesoursauce,sir.Comealong.

Cris.SweetmasterMinos,Iamforfeitedtoeternaldisgrace,ifyoudonotcommiserate.Goodofficer,benotsoofficious.

EnterTUCCAandPyrgi.

Tuc.Why,hownow,mygoodbraceofbloodhounds,whitherdoyoudragthegentleman?Youmongrels,youcurs,youban-dogs!wearecaptainTuccathattalktoyou,youinhumanpilchers.

Min.Sir,heistheirprisoner.

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Tuc.Theirpestilence!Whatareyou,sir?

Min.AcitizenofHome,sir.

Tuc.Thenyouarenotfardistantfromafool,sir.

Min.Apothecary,sir.

Tuc.Iknewthouwastnotaphysician:foh!outofmynostrils,thoustink'stoflotiumandthesyringe;away,quack-salver!—Follower,mysword.

1Pyr.Here,nobleleader;you'lldonoharmwithit,I'lltrustjou.[Aside.

Tuc.Doyouhear,yougoodman,slave?Hook,ram,rogue,catchpole,loosethegentleman,orbymyvelvetarms—

Lict.Whatwillyoudo,sir?

[Strikesuphisheels,andseizeshissword.

Tuc.Kissthyhand,myhonourableactivevarlet,andembracetheethus.

1Pyr.0patientmetamorphosis!Tuc.Mysword,mytallrascal.

Lid.Nay,soft,sir;somewiserthansomfi.

Tuc.What!andawittoo?ByPluto,thoumustbecherish'd,slave;here'sthreedrachmsforthee;hold.

2Pyr.There'shalfhislendingsgone.Tuc.Giveme.

Lid.No,sir,yourfirstwordshallstand;I'llholdall.

Tuc.Nay,butrogue—

Lid.Youwouldmakearescueofourprisoner,sir,you.

Tuc.Iarescue!Away,inhumanvarlet.Come,come,Ineverrelishaboveonejestatmost;donotdisgustme,sirrah;donot,rogue!Itellthee,rogue,donot.

Lid.How,sir!rogue?

Tuc.Ay;why,thouartnotangry,rascal,artthou?

Lid.Icannottell,sir;Iamlittlebetterupontheseterms.

Tuc.Ha,godsandfiends!why,dosthear,rogue,thou?givemethyhand;Isayuntothee,thyhand,rogue.What,dostnotthouknowme?notme,rogue?notcaptainTucca,rogue?

Min.Come,praysurrenderthegentlemanhissword,officer;we'llhavenofightinghere.

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Tuc.What'sthyname?

Min.Minos,an'tpleaseyou.

Tuc.Minos!Comehither,Minos;thouartawisefellow,itseems;letmetalkwiththee.

Cris.WaseverwretchsowretchedasunfortunateI!

Tuc.Thouartoneofthecentumviri,oldboy,artnot?

Min.Noindeed,mastercaptain.

Tuc.Goto,thoushaltbethen;I'llhavetheeone,Minos.Takemyswordfromtheserascals,dostthousee!go,doit;Icannotattemptwithpatience.Whatdoesthisgentlemanowethee,littleMinos?

Min.Fourscoresesterties,sir.

Tuc.What,nomore!Come,thoushaltreleasehim,Minos:what,I'llbehisbail,thoushalttakemyword,oldboy,andcashierthesefuries:thoushaltdo't,Isay,thoushalt,littleMinos,thoushalt.

Cris.Yes;andasIamagentlemanandareveller,I'llmakeapieceofpoetry,andabsolveall,withinthesefivedays.

Tuc.Come,Minosisnottolearnhowtouseagentlemanofquality,Iknow.—Mysword:Ifhepaytheenot,Iwill,andImust,oldboy.Thouhaltbemypothecarytoo.Hastgooderingos,Minos?

Mn.ThebestinRome,sir.

Tuc.Goto,thenVermin,knowthehouse.

1Pyr.Iwarrantyou,colonel.TucForthisgentleman,Minos—Min.I'lltakeyourword,captain.

Tuc.Thouhastit.Mysword.

Min.Yes,sir:Butyoumustdischargethearrest,masterCrispinus.

Tuc.How,Minos!Lookinthegentleman'sface,andbutreadhissilence.Pay,pay;'tishonour,Minos.

Cris.ByJove,sweetcaptain,youdomostinfinitelyendearandobligemetoyou.

Tuc.Tut,Icannotcompliment,byMars;but,Jupiterloveme.asIlovegoodwordsandgoodclothes,andthere'sanend.Thoushaltgivemyboythatgirdleandhangers,whenthouhastwornthemalittlemore.

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Cris.0Jupiter!captain,heshallhavethemnow,presently:—Pleaseyoutobeacceptive,younggentleman.

1Pyr.Yes,sir,fearnot;Ishallaccept;Ihaveaprettyfoolishhumouroftaking,ifyouknewall.[Aside.

Tuc.Notnow,voushallnottake,bov.

7•/\,

Cris.Bymytruthandearnest,butheshall,captain,byyourleave.

Tuc.Nay,anheswearbyhistruthandearnest,takeit,boy:donotmakeagentlemanforsworn.

Lict.Well,sir,there'syoursword;butthankmasterMinos;youhadnotcarrieditasyoudoelse.

*/

Tuc.Minosisjust,andyouareknaves,and—

Lict.Whatsayyou,sir?

Tuc.Passon,mygoodscoundrel,passon,Ihonourthee:[ExeuntLictors.]ButthatIhatetohaveactionwithsuchbaseroguesasthese,youshouldhaveseenmeunriptheirnosesnow,andhavesentthemtothenextbarber'stostitching;fordoyousee—Iamamanofhumour,andIdolovethevarlets,thehonestvarlets,theyhavewitandvalour,andareindeedgoodprofitable,—errantrogues,asanyliveinanempire.Dostthouhear,poetaster?[ToCnsp'nus.]secondme.Standup,Minos,close,gather,yet,so!Sir,(thoushalthaveaquarter-share,beresolute)youshall,atmyrequest,takeMinosbythehandhere,littleMinos,Iwillhaveitso;allfriends,andahealth;benotinexorable.Andthoushaltimpartthewine,oldboy,thoushaltdoit,littleMinos,thoushalt;makeuspayitinourphysic.What!wemustlive,andhonourthegodssometimes;nowBacchus,nowComus,nowPriapus;everygodalittle.[Histriopassesby.]What'shethatstalksbythere,boy,Pyrgus?Youwerebestlethimpass,sirrah;do,ferret,lethimpass,do—

2Pyr.'Tisaplayer,sir.

Tuc.Aplayer!callhim,callthelousyslavehither;what,willhesailbyandnotoncestrike,orvailtoamanofwar?ha!—Doyouhear,youplayer,rogue,stalker,comebackhere!—

EnterHISTBIO.

Norespecttomenofworship,youslave!what,youareproud,yourascal,areyouproud,ha?yougrowrich,doyou,andpurchase,

youtwopennytear-mouth?youhaveFORTUNE,andthegoodyearonyourside,youstinkard,youhave,youhave!

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Hist.Nay,sweetcaptain,beconfinedtosomereason;IprotestIsawyounot,sir.

Tuc.Youdidnot?wherewasyoursight,(Edipus?youwalkwithhare'seyes,doyou?I'llhavethemglazed,rogue;anyousaytheword,theyshallbeglazedforyou:comewemusthaveyouturnfiddleragain,slave,getabaseviolatyourback,andmarchinatawnycoat,withonesleeve,toGoose-fair;thenyou'llknowus,you'llseeusthen,youwill,gulch,youwill.Then,WilftpleaseyourworshiptoJiaveanymusic,captain?

Hist.Nay,goodcaptain.

Tuc.What,doyoulaugh,Howleglas!death,youperstemptuousvarlet,Iamnoneofyourfellows;Ihavecommandedahundredandfiftysuchrogues,I.

2Pyr.Ay,andmostofthathundredandfiftyhavebeenleadersofalegion.[Aside.

Hist.IfIhaveexhibitedwrong,I'lltendersatisfaction,captain.

Tuc.Say'stthouso,honestvermin!Givemethyhand;thoushaltmakeusasupperoneofthesenights.

Hist.Whenyouplease,byJove,captain,mostwillingly.

Tuc.Dostthouswear!To-morrowthen;sayandhold,slave.Therearesomeofyouplayershonestgentlemen-likescoundrels,andsuspectedtohavesomewit,aswellasyourpoets,bothatdrinkingandbreakingofjests,andarecompanionsforgallants.Amanmayskelderye,nowandthen,ofhalfadozenshillings,orso.DostthounotknowthatPantalabusthere?

Hist.No,Iassureyou,captain.

Tuc.Go;andbeacquaintedwithhimthen;heisagentleman,parcelpoet,youslave;hisfatherwasamanofworship,Itellthee.Go,hepenshigh,lofty,inanewstalkingstrain,biggerthanhalftherhymersinthetownagain;hewasborntofillthymouth,Minotaurus,hewas,hewillteachtheetotearandrand.Rascal,tohim,cherishhismuse,go;thouhastforty—fortyshillings,Imean,stinkard;givehiminearnest,do,heshallwriteforthee,slave!Ifhepenfortheeonce,thoushaltnotneedtotravelwiththypumpsfullofgravelanymore,afterablindjadeandahamper,andstalkuponboardsandbarrelheadstoanoldcrack'dtrumpet.

Hist.Troth,IthinkIhavenotsomuchaboutme,captain.

Tuc.It'snomatter;givehimwhatthouhast,stiff-toe,I'llgivemywordfortherest;thoughitlackashillingortwo,itskillsnot:go,thouartanhonestshifter;I'llhavethestatuterojioaPdforthee.—Minos,Imusttellthee,Minos,thouhastdr^vi-,-1yougentleman'sspiritexceedingly;dostobserve,dostnote,littleMil

Min.Yes,sir.

Tuc.Gotothen,raise,recover,do;Bufferhimnottodroopinprospectofaplayer,arogue,astager:puttwentyintohishand-twentysestercesImean,—andletnobodysee;go,doit—theworkshallcommenditself;yeMinos,I'llpay.

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Min.Yes,forsooth,captain.

2Pyr.Donotweserveanotableshark?[Aside.

Tuc.Andwhatnewmattershaveyounowafoot,sirrah,ha?Iwouldfaincomewithmycockatriceoneday,andseeaplay,ifIknewwhentherewereagoodbawdyone;buttheysayyouhavenothingbutHUMOURS,REVELS,andSATERES,thatgirdandf—tatthetime,youslave.

Hist.No,Iassureyou,captain,notwe.TheyareontheothersideofTyber:wehaveasmuchribaldryinourplaysascanbe,asyouwouldwish,captain:allthesinnersinthesuburbscomeandapplaudouractiondaily.

Tuc.Ihearyou'llbringmeo'thestagethere;you'llplayme,theysay;Ishallbepresentedbyasortofcopper-lacedscoundrelsofyou:lifeofPluto!anyoustageme,stinkard,yourmansionsshallsweatfor't,yourtabernacles,varlets,yourGlobes,andyourTriumphs.

Hist.Notwe,byPhoebus,captain;donotdousimputationwithoutdesert.

Tuc.1willnot,mygoodtwopennyrascal;reachmethyneuf.Dosthear?whatwiltthougivemeaweekformybraceofbeagleshere,mylittlepoint-trussers?youshallhavethemactamongye.—Sirrah,you,pronounce.—ThoushalthearhimspeakinKingDarius'dolefulstrain.

1Pyr.0dolefuldays!0direfuldeadlydumpIOwickedworld,andworldlywickednesstHowcanIholdmyfistfromcrying,thump,Inrueofthisrightrascalwretchedness!

Tuc.Inanamorousveinnow,sirrah:peace!

1Pyr.0,sheiswilder,andmorehard,withaltThanbeast,orbird,ortree,orstonywall.

Yetmightsheloveme,touprearherstate:Ay,butperhapsshehopessomenoblermate.Yetmightsheloveme,tocontentherfire:Ay,butherreasonmastersherdesire.Yetmightshelovemeasherbeauty'sthrall:Ay,butIfearshecannotloveatall.

Tuc.Now,thehorrible,fiercesoldier,you,sirrah.

2Pyr.What!willLbravethee?ay,andbeardtheetoo;ARomanspiritscornstobearabrain

Sofullofbasepusillanimity.

Hist.Excellent!

Tuc.Nay,thoushaltseethatshallravishtheeanon;prickupthineears,stinkard.—Theghost,boys!

1Pyr.Vindicta.

2Pyr.Timoria!

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1Pyr.Vindicta!

2Pyr.Timoria!

1Pyr.Veni!

2Pyr.Veni/

Tuc.Nowthunder,sirrah,you,therumblingplayer.2Pyr.Ay,butsomebodymustcry,Murder!then,inasmallvoice.

Tuc.Yourfellow-sharerthereshalldo't:Cry,sirrah,cry.

1Pyr.Murder,murder!

2Pyr.Whocallsoutmurder?lady,wasityou?Hist.O,admirablegood,Iprotest.

Tuc.Sirrah,boy,braceyourdrumalittlestraiter,anddothet'otherfellowthere,heinthe—whatsha'callhim—andyetstaytoo.

2Pyr.Nay,anthoudalliest,thenIamthyfoeyAndfearshallforcewhatfriendshipcannotwin;Thydeathshallburywhatthylifeconceals.Villain!tJioudiestformorerespectingher—

1Pyr.0stay,mylord.

2Pyr.Thanme:

Yetspeakthetruth,andIwillguerdonthee;Butifthoudallyonceagain,thoudiest.

Tuc.Enoughofthis,boy.

2Pyr.Why,thenlamenttherefore:d—ridbethygutsUntokingPluto'sHell,andprincelyErebus;Forsparrowsmusthavefood—

Hist.Pray,sweetcaptain,letoneofthemdoalittleofalady.

Tuc.0!hewillmaketheeeternallyenamour'dofhim,there:do,sirrah,do;'twillallayyourfellow'sfuryalittle.

1Pyr.Master,mockon;thescornthougivestme,PrayJovesomeladymayreturnonthee.

2Pyr.NowyoushallseemedotheMoor:master,lendmeyourscarfalittle.

Tuc.Here,'tisatthyservice,boy.

2Pyr.You,masterMinos,harkhitheralittle.

[ExitwithMinos,tomakehimselfready.

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Tuc.Howdostlikehim?artnotrapt,artnotticklednow?dostnotapplaud,rascal?dostnotapplaud?

Hist.Yes:whatwillyouaskforthemaweek,captain?

Tuc.No,youmangonisingslave,Iwillnotpartfromthem;you'llsellthemforenghles,you:let'shavegoodcheerto-morrownightatsupper,stalker,andthenwe'lltalk;goodcaponandplover,doyouhear,sirrah?anddonotbringyoureatingplayerwithyouthere;Icannotawaywithhim:hewilleatalegofmuttonwhileIaminmyporridge,theleanPoluphagus,hisbellyislikeBarathrum;helookslikeamidwifeinman'sapparel,theslave:northevillanousout-of-tunefiddler,^Enobarbus,bringnothim.Whathastthouthere?sixandthirty,ha?

Hist.No,here'sallFhave,captain,somefiveandtwenty:pray,sir,willyoupresentandaccommodateituntothegentleman?formineownpart,Iamamerestrangertohishumour;besides,Ihavesomebusinessinvitesmehence,withmasterAnimusLupus,thetribune.

Tuc.Well,gothywa.s.pursuethyprojects,letmealonewith

thisdesign;myPoetastershallmaketheeaplay,andthoushaltbeamanofgoodpartsinit.Butstay,letmesee;donotbringyour.ZEsop,yourpolitician,unlessyoucanramuphismouthwithcloves;theslavesmellsrankerthansomesixteendunghills,andisseventeentimesmorerotten.Marry,youmaybringFrisker,myzany;he'sagoodskippingswaggerer;andyourfatfoolthere,mymango,bringhimtoo;butlethimnotbegrapiersnorscarfs,inhisover-familiarplayingface,norroarouthisbarrenboldjestswithatormentinglaughter,betweendrunkanddry.Doyouhear,stiff-toe?givehimwarning,admonition,toforsakehissaucyglaveringgrace,andhisgoggleeye;itdoesnotbecomehim,sirrah:tellhimso.Ihavestoodupanddefendedyou,I,togentlemen,whenyouhavebeensaidtopreyuponpuisnes,andhonestcitizens,forsocksorbuskins;orwhentheyhavecall'dyouusurersorbrokers,orsaidyouwereabletohelptoapieceofflesh—Ihavesworn,Ididnotthinkso,northatyouwerethecommonretreatsforpunksdecayedintheirpractice;Icannotbelieveitofyou.

Hist.Thankyou,captain.Jupiterandtherestofthegodsconfineyourmoderndelightswithoutdisgust.

Tuc.Stay,thoushaltseetheMoorerethougoest.—

EnterDEMETRIUSatadistance.

What'shewiththehalfarmsthere,thatsalutesusoutofhiscloak,likeamotion,ha?

Hist.O,sir,hisdoublet'salittledecayed;heisotherwiseaverysimplehonestfellow,sir,oneDemetrius,adresserofplaysaboutthetownhere;wehavehiredhimtoabuseHorace,andbringhimin,inaplay,withallhisgallants,asTibullus,Meceenas,CorneliusGallus,andtherest.

Tuc.Andwhyso,stinkard?

Hist.O,itwillgetusahugedealofmoney,captain,andwehaveneedon't;forthiswinterhas

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madeusallpoorerthansomanystarvedsnakes:nobodycomesatus,notagentleman,nora—

Tuc.Butyouknownothingbyhim,doyou,tomakeaplayof?

Hist.Faith,notmuch,captain;butourauthorwilldevisethatthatshallserveinsomesort.

Tuc.Why,myParnassushereshallhelphim,ifthouwilt.Canthyauthordoitimpudentlyenough?

Hist.O,Iwarrantyou,captain,andspitefullyenoughtoo;hehasoneofthemostoverflowingrankwitsinRome;hewillslanderanymanthatbreathes,ifhedisgusthim.

Tuc.I'llknowthepoor,egregious,nittyrascal;anhehavethesecommendablequalities,I'llcherishhim—stay,herecomestheTartar—I'llmakeagatheringforhim,I,apurse,andputthepoorslaveinfreshrags;tellhimsotocomforthim.—

[Demetriuscomesforward.

Pie-enterMrxos,with2Pyrgusonhisshoulders,andstalksbackwardandforward,astheboyads.

Wellsaid,boy.

2Pyr.Whereartthou,boy?whereisCalipolis?Fi'jhtearthquakesintheentrailsoftheearth,Andeasternwhirlunndsinthehellishshades;SomefoulcontagionoftheinfectedheavensBlastallthetrees,andintheircursedtopsThedismalnightravenandtragicowlBreedandbecomeforerunnersofmyfall!

Tuc.Well,nowfaretheewell,myhonestpenny-biter:commendmetosevensharesandahalf,andrememberto-morrow.—Ifyoulackaservice,youshallplayinmyname,rascals;butyoushallbuyyourowncloth,andI'llhavetwosharesformycountenance.Letthyauthorstaywithme.[ExitHistrio.

Dem.Yes,sir.

Tuc.'Twaswelldone,littleMinos,thoudidststalkwell:forgivemethatIsaidthoustunk'st,Minos;'twasthesavourofapoetImetsweatinginthestreet,hangsyetinmynostrils.

<'ris.Who,Horace?

Tuc.Ay,he;dostthouknowhim?

Cris.O,heforsookmemostbarbarously,Iprotest.

Tuc.Hanghim,fustysatyr,hesmellsallgoat;hecarriesaramunderhisarm-holes,theslave:IamtheworsewhenIseehim.—DidnotMinosimpart?[AsidetoCrispinus.

Cris.Yes,herearetwentydrachmshedidconvey.

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Tuc.Wellsaid,keepthem,we'llshareanon;come,littleMinos.

Cris.Faith,captain,I'llbeboldtoshewyouamistressofmine,ajeweller'swife,agallant,aswegoalong.

Tuc.Therespokemygenius.Minos,someofthyeringos,littleMinos;send.Comehither,Parnassus,Imusthavetheefamiliarwithmylittlelocusthere;'tisagoodvermin,theysay.—[HoraceandTrebatiuspassoverthestage.}—See,here'sHorace,andoldTrebatius,thegreatlawyer,inhiscompany;let'savoidhimnow,heistoowellseconded.[Kxeunt.

ACTIV

SCEXEI.—ARoominALBTTJS'SHouse.EnterCHLOE,CYTHERIS,andAttendants.

.But,sweetlady,say;amIwellenoughattiredfurcourt,insadness?

Cijlh.Wellenough!excellentwell,sweetmistressClilop;thisstrait-bodiedcityattire,Icantollyou,\\illstiracourtier'sMmx!,morethanthefinestloosesackstheladiesusetobeputin;and

thenyouareaswelljewell'dasanyofthem;yourruffandlinenaboutyouismuchmorepurethantheirs;andforyourbeauty,Icantellyou,there'smanyofthemwoulddefythepainter,iftheycouldchangewithyou.Marry,theworstis,youmustlooktobeenvied,andendureafewcourt-frumpsforit.

Chloe.0Jove,madam,Ishallbuythemtoocheap!—Givememymuff,andmydogthere.—Andwilltheladiesbeanythingfamiliarwithme,thinkyou?

Cyth.0Juno!whyyoushallseethemflockaboutyouwiththeirpuff-wings,andaskyouwhereyouboughtyourlawn,andwhatyoupaidforit?whostarchesyou?andentreatyoutohelp'emtosomepurelaundressesoutofthecity.

Chloe.0Cupid!—Givememyfan,andmymasktoo.—Andwillthelords,andthepoetsthere,useonewelltoo,lady?

Cyth.Doubtnotofthat;youshallhavekissesfromthem,gopit-pat,pit-pat,pit-pat,uponyourlips,asthickasstonesoutofslingsattheassaultofacity.Andthenyourearswillbesofurr'dwiththebreathoftheircompliments,thatyoucannotcatchcoldofyourhead,ifyouwould,inthreewintersafter.

Chloe.Thankyou,sweetlady.0heaven!andhowmustonebehaveherselfamongst'em?Youknowall.

Cyth.Faith,impudentlyenough,mistressChloe,andwellenough.Carrynottoomuchunderthoughtbetwixtyourselfandthem;noryourcity-mannerlyword,forsooth,useitnottooofteninanycase;butplain,Ay,madam,andno,madam:norneversay,yourlordship,noryourhonour;but,you,andyou,mylord,andmylady:theothertheycounttoosimpleandminsitive.Andthoughtheydesiretokissheavenwiththeirtitles,yettheywillcountthemfoolsthatgivethemtoohumbly.

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Chloe.0intolerable,Jupiter!bymytroth,lady,Iwouldnotforaworldbutyouhadlaininmyhouse;and,i'faith,youshallnotpayafarthingforyourboard,noryourchambers.

Cyth.0,sweetmistressChloe!

Chloe.I'faithyoushallnot,lady;nay,goodlady,donotofferit.

EnterGALLTTSandTIBULLUS.

Gal.Come,wherebetheseladies?Byyourleave,brightstars,thisgentlemanandIarecometomanyoutocourt;whereyourlatekindentertainmentisnowtoberequitedwithaheavenlybanquet.

Cyth.Aheavenlybanquet,Gallus!

Gal.Noless,mydearCytheris.

Tib.Thatwerenotstrange,lady,iftheepithetwereonlygivenforthecompanyinvitedthither;yourself,andthisfairgentlewoman.

Chloe.Areweinvitedtocourt,sir?

Tib.Youare,lady,bythegreatprincessJulia;wholongstogreetyouwithanyfavoursthatmayworthilymakeyouanoftencourtier.

CJiloe.Insincerity,Ithankher,sir.Youhaveacoach,haveyou

not?

Tib.Theprincesshathsentherown,lady.

Chloe.OVenus!that'swell:Idolongtorideinacoachmostvehemently.

Cyih.But,sweetGallus,prayyouresolvemewhyyougivethatheavenlypraisetothisearthlybanquet?

Gal.Because,Cytheris,itmustbecelebratedbytheheavenlypowers:allthegodsandgoddesseswillbethere;totwoofwhichyoutwomustbeexalted.

Chloe.Aprettyfiction,intruth.

Cyih.Afiction,indeed,Chloe,andfitforthefitofapoet.

Gal.Why,Cytheris,maynotpoets(fromwhosedivinespiritsallthehonoursofthegodshavebeendeduced)entreatsomuchhonourofthegods,tohavetheirdivinepresenceatapoeticalbanquet?

Cyth.Supposethatnofiction;yet,whereareyourhabilitiestomakeustwogoddessesatyour

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feast?

Gal.Whoknowsnot,Cytheris,thatthesacredbreathofatruepoetcanblowanyvirtuoushumanityuptodeity?

Tib.Totellyouthefemaletruth,whichisthesimpletruth,ladies;andtoshewthatpoets,inspiteoftheworld,areabletodeifythemselves;atthisbanquet,towhichyouareinvited,weintendtoassumethefiguresofthegods;andtogiveourseverallovestheformsofgoddesses.OvidwillbeJupiter;theprincessJulia,Juno;Gallushere,Apollo;you,Cytheris,Pallas;IwillbeBacchus;andmylovePlautia,Ceres:andtoinstallyouandyourhusband,fairChloe,inhonoursequalwithours,youshallbeagoddess,andyourhusbandagod.

Chloe.Agod!—0mygods!

Tib.Agod,butalamegod,lady;forheshallbeVulcan,andyouVenus:andthiswillmakeourbanquetnolessthanheavenly.

Chloe.Insincerity,itwillbesugared.GoodJove,whataprettvfoolishthingitistobeapoet!but,harkyou,sweetCytheris,couldtheynotpossiblyleaveoutmyhusband?methinksabody'shusbanddoesnotsowellatcourt;abody'sfriend,orso—but,husband!'tislikeyourclogtoyourmarmoset,foralltheworld,andtheheavens.

Cyth.Tut,neverfear,Chloe!yourhusbandwillbeleftwithoutinthelobby,orthegreatchamber,whenyoushallbeputin,i'thecloset,bythislord,andbythatlady.

Chloe..Nay,thenIamcertified;heshallgo.

EnterHORACE.

f!nl.Horace!welcome.

Hor.Gentlemen,hearyouthenews?

Tib.Whatnews,myQuintals!

Hor.Ourmelancholicfriend,Propertius,HathclosedhimselfupinhisCynthia'stomb;Andwillbynoentreatiesbedrawnthence.

EnterALBITTS,introducingCRISPINUSandDEMETRIUS,followed

byTUCCA.

Alb.Nay,goodMasterCrispinus,prayyoubringnearthegentleman.

Hor.Crispinus!Hideme,goodGallus;Tibullus,shelterme.

{Going.

Cris.Makeyourapproach,sweetcaptain.

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Tib.Whatmeansthis,Horace?

Hor.Iamsurprisedagain;farewell.

Gal.Stay,Horace.

Hor.What,andbetiredonbyyond'vulture!No:Phoebusdefendme![Exithastily.

Tib.'Slight,IholdmylifeThissameishemethiminHoly-street.

Gal.Troth,'tislikeenough.—ThisactofPropertiusrelishethverystrangewithme.

Tuc.Bythyleave,myneatscoundrel:what,isthisthemadboyyoutalk'don?

Cris.Ay,thisismasterAlbius,captain.

Tuc.Givemethyhand,Agamemnon;wehearabroadthouarttheHectorofcitizens:Whatsayestthou?arewewelcometothee,nobleNeoptolemus?

Alb.Welcome,captain,byJoveandallthegodsintheCapitol—

Tuc.Nomore,weconceivethee.Whichoftheseisthywedlock,Menelaus?thyHelen,thyLucrece?thatwemaydoherhonour,madboy.

Cris.Sheinthelittlefinedressing,sir,ismymistress.

Alb.Forfaultofabetter,sir.

Tuc.Abetter!profanerascal:Icrytheemercy,mygoodscroyle,was'tthou?

Alb.Noharm,captain.

Tuc.SheisaVenus,aVesta,aMelpomene:comehither,Penelope;what'sthyname,Iris?

Chloe.MynameisChloe,sir;Iamagentlewoman.

Tuc.Thouartinmerittobeanempress,Chloe,foraneyeandalip;thouhastanemperor'snose:kissmeagain:'tisavirtuouspunk;so!BeforeJove,thegodswereasortofgoslings,whentheysufferedsosweetabreathtoperfumethebedofastinkard:thouhadstillfortune,Thisbe;theFateswereinfatuate,theywere,punk,theywere.

Chloe.That'ssure,sir:letmecraveyourname,Iprayyou,sir.

Tuc.IamknownbythenameofcaptainTucca,punk;thenobleRoman,punk:agentleman,andacommander,punk.

Chloe.Ingoodtime:agentleman,andacommander!that'sasgoodasapoet,methinks.[Walksaside.

Cris.Aprettyinstrument!It'smycousinCytheris'violthis,isitnot?

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Cyth.Naj\play,cousin;itwantsbutsuchavoiceandhandtograceit,asyoursis.

Cris.Alas,cousin,youaremerrilyinspired.

Cyth.Prayyouplay,ifyouloveme.

Cris.Yes,cousin;youknowIdonothateyou.

Tib.Amostsubtilewench!howshehathbaitedhimwithaviolyonder,forasong!

Cris.Cousin,'prayyoucallmistressChloe!sheshallhearanessayofmypoetry.

Tuc.I'llcallher.—Comehither,cockatrice:hero'sonewillsettheeup,mysweetpunk,settheeup.

Chloe.Areyouapoetsosoon,sir?

Alb.Wife,mum.

CRISPINUSplaysandsings.

Loveisblind,andawanton;

Inthewholeworld,thereisscantone

—Suchanother:

No,nothismother.

Hehathpluck'dherdovesandsparrows,Tofeatherhissharparrows,

Andaloneprevaileth,

WhilesickVenuswaileth.ButifCyprisoncerecoverThewag;itshallbehoveher

Tolookbettertohim:

Orshewillundohim.

Alb.0,mostodoriferousmusic!

Tuc.Aha,stinkard!AnotherOrpheus,youslave,anotherOrpheus!anArionridingonthebackofadolphin,rascal!

Gal.Haveyouacopyofthisditty,sir?

Cris.MasterAlbiushas.

Alb.Ay,butintruththeyaremywife'sverses;Imustnotshewthem.

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Tuc.Shewthem,bankrupt,shewthem;theyhavesaltinthem,andwillbrooktheair,stinkard.

Gal.How!TohisbrightmistressCanidia/

Cris.Ay,sir,that'sbutaborrowedname;asOvid'sCorinna,orPropertiushisCynthia,oryourNemesis,orDelia,Tibullus.

Gal.It'sthenameofHoracehiswitch,asIremember.

Tib.Why,theditty'sallborrowed;'tisHorace's:hanghim,plagiary!

Tuc.How!heborrowoffforace?heshallpawnhimselftotenbrokersfirst.Doyouhear,Poetasters?Iknowyoutobemenofworship—HeshallwritewithHorace,foratalent!and1ftMecamasnndhiswholecollegeofcriticstakehispart:thouslialtdo't,youngI'hcebus;thoushah.Phaeton,thoushalt.

Dem.Alas,sir,Horace!heisameresponge;nothingbutHumoursandobservation;hegoesupanddownsuckingfromeverysociety,andwhenhecomeshomesqueezeshimselfdryagain.Iknowhim,I.

Tuc.Thousay'sttrue,mypoorpoeticalfury,hewillpenallheknows.Asharpthorny-tooth'dsatiricalrascal,flyhim;hecarrieshayinhishorn:hewillsoonerlosehisbestfriend,thanhisleastjest.Whatheoncedropsuponpaper,againstaman,liveseternallytoupbraidhiminthemouthofeveryslave,tankard-bearer,orwaterman;notabawd,oraboythatcomesfromthebake-house,butshallpointathim:'tisalldog,andscorpion;hecarriespoisoninhisteeth,andastinginhistail.Fough!bodyofJove!I'llhavetheslavewhiptoneofthesedaysforhisSatiresandhisHumours,byonecashier'dclerkoranother.

Cris.We'llundertakehim,captain.

Dem.Ay,andticklehimi'faith,forhisarrogancyandhisimpudence,incommendinghisownthings;andforhistranslating,Icantracehim,i'faith.0,heisthemostopenfellowliving;IhadaslieveasanewsuitIwereatit.

Tuc.Saynomorethen,butdoit;'tistheonlywaytogettheeanewsuit;stinghim,mylittleneufts;I'llgiveyouinstructions:I'llbeyourintelligencer;we'llalljoin,andhanguponhimlikesomanyhorse-leeches,theplayersandall.Weshallsuptogether,soon;andthenwe'llconspire,i'faith.

Gal.OthatHoracehadstayedstillhere!

Tib.SowouldnotI;forboththesewouldhaveturn'dPythagoreansthen.

Gal.What,mute?

Tib.Ay,asfishes,i'faith:come,ladies,shallwego?

Cyth.Wewaityou,sir.ButmistressChloeasks,ifyouhavenotagodtospareforthis

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gentleman.

Gal.Who,captainTucca?

Cyth.Ay,he.

GaLYes,ifwecaninvitehimalong,heshallbeMars.

Chloe.HasMarsanythingtodowithVenus?

Tib.O,mostofall,lady.

Chloe.Nay,thenIpraylethimbeinvited:AndwhatshallCrispinusbe?

Tib.Mercury,mistressChloe.

Chloe.Mercury!that'sapoet,isit?

Gal.No,lady,butsomewhatincliningthatway;heisaheraldatarms.

Chloe.Aheraldatarms!good;andMercury!pretty:hehastodowithVenustoo?

Tib.Alittlewithherface,lady;orso.

Chloe.Tisverywell;prayletusgo,Ilongtobeatit.

Cyth.Gentlemen,shallweprayyourcompaniesalong?

Cris.Youshallnotonlypray,butprevail,lady.—Come,sweetcaptain.

Tuc.Yes,Ifollow:butthoumustnottalkofthisnow,mylittlebankrupt.

Alb.Captain,lookhere,mum.

Dem.I'llgowrite,sir.

Tuc.Do,do:stay,there'sadrachmtopurchaseginger-breadforthymuse.[Exeunt.

SCEXEII.—.4RoominLUPUS'SHouse.EnterLUPUS,HISTRIO,andLictors.

Lup.Come,letustalkhere;herewemaybeprivate;shutthedoor,lictor.Youareaplayer,yousay.

Hist.Ay,an'tpleaseyourworship.

Lup.Good;andhowareyouabletogivethisintelligence?

Hist.Marry,sir,theydirectedalettertomeandmyfellow-sharers.

Lup.Speaklower,youarenotnowinyourtheatre,stager:—mysword,knave.Theydirecteda

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lettertoyou,andyourfellow-sharers:forward.

Hist.Yes,sir,tohiresomeofourproperties;asasceptreandcrownforJove;andacaduceusforMercury;andapetasus—

Lup.Caduceusandpetasus!letmeseeyourletter.Thisisaconjuration:aconspiracy,this.Quickly,onwithmybuskins:I'llactatragedy,i'faith.Willnothingbutourgodsservethesepoetstoprofane?dispatch!Player,Ithankthee.Theemperorshalltakeknowledgeofthygoodservice.[Aknockingwithin.~\Who'stherenow?Look,knave.[ExitLictor.,]Acrownandasceptre!thisisgoodrebellion,now.

Re-enterLictor.

Lie.'Tisyourpothecary,sir,masterMinos.

Lup.Whattell'stthoumeofpothecaries,knave!Tellhim,Ihaveaffairsofstateinhand;Icantalktonoapothecariesnow.Heartofme!Staythepothecarythere.[Walksinamusingposture.]Youshallsee,Ihavefish'doutacunningpieceofplotnow:theyhavehadsomeintelligence,thattheirprojectisdis-cover'd,andnowhavetheydealtwithmyapothecary,topoisonme;'tisso;knowingthatImeanttotakephysicto-day:assureasdeath,'tisthere.Jupiter,Ithankthee,thatthouhastyetmademesomuchofapolitician.

EnterMINOS.

Youarewelcome,sir;takethepotionfromhimthere;Ihaveanantidotemorethanyouwotof,sir;throwitonthegroundthere:so!Nowfetchinthedog;andyetwecannottarrytotryexperimentsnow:arresthim;youshallgowithme,sir;I'lltickleyou,pothecary;I'llgiveyouaglister,ffaith.HaveItheletter?ay,'tishere.—Come,yourfasces,lie-tors:thehalfpikesandthehalberds,takethemdownfromtheLaresthere.Player,assistme.

Astheyaregoingout,enterMECJENASandHORACE.

Mec.Whithernow,AsiniusLupus,withthisarmory?Lup.Icannottalknow;Ichargeyouassistme:treason!treason!

Hor.How!treason?

Lup.Ay:ifyoulovetheemperor,andthestate,followme.

[Exeunt.

SCENEIII.—AnApartmentinthePalace.

EnterOVID,JULIA,GALLUS,CYTHERIS,TIBULLUS,PLAUTIA,ALBIUS,CHLOE,TUCCA,CRISPINUS,HERMOGENES,PYRGUS,characteristicallyhabited,asgodsandgoddesses.

Ovid.Godsandgoddesses,takeyourseveralseats.Now,Mercury,moveyourcaduceus,and,inJupiter'sname,commandsilence.

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Cris.InthenameofJupiter,silence.

Her.Thecrierofthecourthathtooclarifiedavoice.

Gal.Peace,Momus.

Ovid.Oh,heisthegodofreprehension;lethimalone:'tishisoffice.Mercury,goforward,andproclaim,afterPhoebus,ourhighpleasure,toallthedeitiesthatshallpartakethishighbanquet.

Cris.Yes,sir.

Gal.Thegreatgod,Jupiter,—[Here,andateverybreakinthe

line,Crispinusrepeatsaloudthewords®fGallus.]Ofhis

licentiousgoodness,WillingtomakethisfeastnofastFrom

anymannerofpleasure;NortobindanygodorgoddessTobe

anythingthemoregodorgoddess,fortheirnames:Hegivesthem

allfreelicenseTospeaknowiserthanpersonsofbasertitles;

Andtobenothingbetter,thancommonmen,orwomen.And

thereforenogodShallneedtokeephimselfmorestrictlytohis

goddessThananymandoestohiswife:Noranygoddess-ShallneedtokeepherselfmorestrictlytohergodThananywoman

doestoherhusband.But,sinceitisnopartofwisdom,In

thesedays,tocomeintobonds;Itshallbelawfulforeverylover—

Tobreaklovingoaths,Tocliangetheirlovers,andmakeloveto

others,Astheheatofeveryone'sblood,Andthespiritofour

nectar,shallinspire.AndJupitersaveJupiter!

Tib.So;nowwemayplaythefoolsbyauthority.

Her.Toplaythefoolbyauthorityiswisdom.

Jul.Awaywithyourmatterysentences,Momus;theyaretoograveandwiseforthismeeting.

Ovid.Mercury,giveourjesterastool,lethimsitby;andreachhimoneofourcates.

Tuc.Dosthear,madJupiter?we'llhaveitenacted,hethatspeaksthefirstwiseword,shallbe

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madecuckold.Whatsay'stthou?Isitnotagoodmotion?

Ovid.Deities,areyouallagreed?

All.Agreed,greatJupiter.

Alb,Ihavereadinabook,thattoplaythefoolwisely,ishighwisdom.

Gal.Hownow,Vulcan!willyoubethefirstwizard?

Ovid.Takehiswife,Mars,andmakehimcuckoldquickly.

Tuc.Come,cockatrice.

Chloe.No,letmealonewithhim,Jupiter:I'llmakeyoutakeheed,sir,whileyouliveagain;iftherebetwelveinacompany,thatyoubenotthewisestof'em.

Alb.Nomore;Iwillnotindeed,wife,hereafter;I'llbehere:mum.

Ovid.Fillusabowlofnectar,Ganymede:wewilldrinktoourdaughterVenus.

Gal.Looktoyourwife,Vulcan:Jupiterbeginstocourther.

Tib.Nay,letMarslooktoit:VulcanmustdoasVenusdoes,bear.

Tuc.Sirrah,boy;catamite:LookyouplayGanymedewellnow,youslave.Donotspillyournectar;carryyourcupeven:so!Youshouldhaverubbedyourfacewithwhitesofeggs,yourascal;tillyourbrowshadshonelikeoursootybrother'shere,assleekasahorn-book:orhavesteeptyourlipsinwine,tillyoumadethemsoplump,thatJunomighthavebeenjealousofthem.Punk,kissme,punk.

Ovid.Here,daughterVenus,Idrinktothee.

Chloe.Thankyou,goodfatherJupiter.

Tuc.Why,motherJuno!godsandfiends!what,wiltthousufferthisoculartemptation?

Tib.Marsisenraged,helooksbig,andbeginstostutforanger.

Her.Wellplayed,captainMars.

Tuc.Wellsaid,minstrelMomus:Imustputyouin,mustI?whenwillyoubeingoodfoolingofyourself,fidler,never?

Her.0,'tisourfashiontobesilent,whenthereisabetterfoolinplaceever.

Tuc.Thankyou,rascal.

Ovid.FilltoourdaughterVenus,Ganymede,whofillsherfatherwithaffection.

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Jul.Wiltthouberanging,Jupiter,beforemyface?

Ovid.Whynot,Juno?whyshouldJupiterstandinaweofthyface,Juno?

Jul.Becauseitisthywife'sface,Jupiter.

Ovid.What,shallahusbandbeafraidofhiswife'sfaro?willshepaintitsohorribly?weareaking,cotquean;andwewillminiinourpleasures;andwewillcudgeltheetodeath,ifthouliixlfaultwithus.

Jul.Iwillfindfaultwiththro,kingcuckold-maker:What,shallthekingofgodsturnthekingofgood-fellows,andhavenofellowinwickedness?Thismakesourpoets,thatknowourprofanenrss,liveasprofaneaswe:Bymygodhead,Jupiter,Iwilljoinwithalltheothergodshere,bindtheehandandfoot,throwthrodownintotheearthandmakeapoorpoetofthrr,ifthouabusemethus.

Gal.Agoodsmart-tonguedgoddess,arightJuno!

Ovid.Juno,wewillcudgelthee,Juno:wetoldtheesoyesterday,whenthouwertjealousofusforThetis.

Pyr.Nay,to-dayshehadmeininquisitiontoo.

Tuc.Wellsaid,myfinePhrygianfry;inform,inform.Givemesomewine,kingofheralds,Imaydrinktomycockatrice.

Ovid.Nomore,Ganymede;wewillcudgelthee,Juno;byStyxwewill.

Jul.Ay,'tiswell;godsmaygrowimpudentininiquity,andtheymustnotbetoldofit—

Ovid.Yea,wewillknockourchinagainstourbreast,andshaketheeoutofOlympusintoanoyster-boat,forthyscolding.

Jul.Yournoseisnotlongenoughtodoit,Jupiter,ifallthystrumpetsthouhastamongthestarstookthypart.Andthereisneverastarinthyforeheadbutshallbeahorn,ifthoupersisttoabuseme.

Cris.Agoodjest,i'faith.

Ovid.Wetelltheethcuangerestus,cotquean;andwewillthundertheeinpiecesforthycotqueanity.

Cris.Anothergoodjest.

Alb.O,myhammersandmyCyclops!Thisboyfillsnotwineenoughtomakeuskindenoughtooneanother.

Tuc.Northouhastnotcolliedthyfaceenough,stinkard.

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Alb.I'llplythetablewithnectar,andmakethemfriends.

Her.Heavenisliketohavebutalameskinker,then.

Alb.Wineandgoodliversmaketruelovers:I'llsentencethentogether.Here,father,here,mother,forshame,drinkyourselvesdrunk,andforgetthisdissension;youtwoshouldclingtogetherbeforeourfaces,andgiveusexampleofunity.

Gal.O,excellentlyspoken,Vulcan,onthesudden!

Tib.Jupitermaydowelltopreferhistonguetosomeofficeforhiseloquence.

Tuc.Histongueshallbegentleman-ushertohiswit,andstillgobeforeit.

Alb.Anexcellentfitoffice!

Cris.Ay,andanexcellentgoodjestbesides.

Her.What,haveyouhiredMercurytocryyourjestsyoumake?

Ovid.Momus,youareenvious.

Tuc.Why,ay,youwhoresonblockhead,'tisyouronlyblockofwitinfashionnow-a-days,toapplaudotherfolks'jests.

Her.True;withthosethatarenotartificersthemselves.Vulcan,younod,andthemirthofthejestdroops.

Pyr.Hehasfillednectarsolong,tillhisbrainswimsinit.

Gal.What,dowenod,fellow-gods!Soundstartleourspiritswithasong.

Tuc.Do,Apollo,thouartagoodmusician.

Gal.WhatsaysJupiter?

Ovid.Ha!ha!

Gal.Asong.

Ovid.Why,do,do,sing.Pla.Bacchus,whatsayyou?Tib.Ceres?

Pla.But,tothissong?Tib.Sing,formypart.

Jul.Yourbellyweighsdownyourhead,Bacchus;here'sasongtoward.

Tib.Begin,Vulcan.

Alb.Whatelse,whatelse?

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Tuc.Say,Jupiter—

Ovid.Mercury—

Cris.Ay,say,say.[Music.

Alb.Wake!ourmirthbeginstodie,"

Quickenitwithtunesandwine.Raiseyournotes;you'reout;fie,fie!Thisdrowsinessisanillsign.Webanishhimthequireofgods,Thatdroopsagen:Thenallaremen,Forhere'snotonebutnods.

Ovid.Ilikenotthissuddenandgeneralheavinessamongstourgodheads;'tissomewhatominous.Apollo,commandusloudermusic,andletMercuryandMomuscontendtopleaseandreviveoursenses.[Music.

Herm.Then,inafreeandloftystrain.

Ourbrokentuneswethusrepair;Cris.Andweanswerthemagain,

Runningdivisiononthepantingair;Ambo.Tocelebratethisfeastofsense,

Asfreefromscandalasoffence.Herm.Hereisbeautyfortheeye;Cris.Fortheearsweetmelody.Herm.Ambrosiacodours,forthesmell;Cris.Deliciousnectar,forthetaste;Ambo.Forthetouch,alady'swaist;Whichdothalltherestexcel.

Ovid.Ay,thishaswakedus.Mercury,ourherald;gofromourself,thegreatgodJupiter,tothegreatemperorAugustusCaesar,andcommandhimfromus,ofwhosebountyhehathreceivedthesirnameofAugustus,that,forathank-offeringtoourbeneficence,hepresentlysacrifice,asadishtothisbanquet,hisbeautifulandwantondaughterJulia:she'sacurstquean,tellhim,andplaysthescoldbehindhisback;thereforeletherbesacrificed.Commandhimthis,Mercury,inourliiirhnameofJupiterAltitonans.

Jul.Stay,feather-footedMercury,andtellAugustus,fromus,thegreatJunoSaturnia;ifhethinkithardtodoasJupiterhathcommandedhim,andsacrificehisdaughter,thathehadbetterdo

sotentimes,thansufferhertolovethewell-nosedpoet,Ovin;whomheshalldowelltowhiporcausetobewhipped,aboutthecapitol,forsoothingherinherfollies.

EnterAUGUSTUSCJESAR,MECLENAS,HORACE,LUPUS,HISTRIO,

MINUS,andLictors.

Goes.Whatsightisthis?Mecaenas!Horace!say?Haveweoursenses?dowehearandsee?OrarethesebutimaginaryobjectsDrawnbyourphantasy!Whyspeakyounot?Letusdosacrifice.Aretheythegods?[Ovidandtherestkneel.Reverence,amaze,andfuryfightinme.What,dotheykneel!Nay,thenIsee'tistrueIthoughtimpossible:0,impioussight!Letmedivertmineeyes;theverythoughtEvertsmysoulwithpassion:Looknot,man,Thereisa

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panther,whoseunnaturaleyesWillstriketheedead:turn,then,anddieonherWithherowndeath.[Offerstokillhisdaughter.

Mec.Hor.WhatmeansimperialCsesar?

Cces.WhatwouldyouhavemeletthestrumpetliveThat,forthispageant,earnssomanydeaths?

Tuc.Boy,slink,boy.

Pyr.PrayJupiterwebenotfollowedbythescent,master.

[ExeuntTuccaandPyrgus.

Cces.Say,sir,whatareyou?

Alb.IplayVulcan,sir.

Cces.Butwhatareyou,sir?

Alb.Yourcitizenandjeweller,sir.

Cces.Andwhatareyou,dame?

Chloe.IplayVenus,forsooth.

Cces.Iasknotwhatyouplay,butwhatyouare.

Chloe.Yourcitizenandjeweller'swife,sir.

Cces.Andyou,goodsir?

Cris.Yourgentlemanparcel-poet,sir.[Exit.

Cces.0,thatprofanedname!—

Andaretheseseemlycompanyforthee,[ToJulia.

Degeneratemonster?AlltherestIknow,Andhateallknowledgefortheirhatefulsakes.Areyou,thatfirstthedeitiesinspiredWithskilloftheirhighnaturesandtheirpowers,Thefirstabusersoftheirusefullight;Profaningthustheirdignitiesintheirforms,Andmakingthem,likeyou,butcounterfeits?O,whoshallfollowVirtueandembraceher,Whenherfalsebosomisfoundnoughtbutair\Andyetofthoseembracescentaursspring,Thatwarwithhumanpeace,andpoisonmen.—Whoshall,withgreatercomfortscomprehend

Herunseenbeingandherexcellence;

Whenyon,thatteach,andshouldeterniseher,

Liveasshewerenolawuntoyourlives,

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Xorlivedherself,butwithyouridlebreaths?

Ifyouthinkgodsbutfeign'd,andvirtuepainted,

Knowwesustainanactualresidence,

Andwiththetitleofanemperor,

Retainhisspiritandimperialpower;

Bywhich,inimpositiontooremiss,

LicentiousNaso,forthyviolentwrong,

Insoothingthedeclinedaffections

Ofourbasedaughter,weexilethyfeet

Fromallapproachtoourimperialcourt,

Onpainofdeath;andthymisgottenlove

Committopatronageofirondoors;

Sincehersoft-heartedsirecannotcontainher.

Mec,0.goodmylord,forgive!belikethegods.

HOT.Letroyalbounty,Ca?sar,mediate.

Cces.Thereisnobountytobeshew'dtosuchAshavenorealgoodness:bountyisAspiceofvirtue;andwhatvirtuousactCantakeeffectonthem,thathavenopowerOfequalhabitudetoapprehendit,Butliveinworshipofthatidol,vice,Asiftherewerenovirtue,butinshadeOfstrongimagination,merelyenforced?Thisshewstheirknowledgeismereignorance,Theirfar-fetch'ddignityofsoulafancy,AndalltheirsquarepretextofgravityAmerevain-glory;hence,awaywiththem!Iwillpreferforknowledge,nonebutsuchAsruletheirlivesbyit,andcanbecalmAllseaofHumourwiththemarbletridentOftheirstrongspirits:othersfightbelowWithgnatsandshadows;othersnothingknow.[Exeunt.

SCENEV.—AStreetbeforetJiePalace.EnterTUCCA,CRISPINUS,andI'YRGUS.

Tuc.What'sbecomeofmylittlepunk,Venus,andthepoult-footstinkard,herhusband,ha?

Cris.O,theyareridhomeinthecoach,asfastasthewheelscanrun.

Tuc.GodJupiterisbanished,Ihear,andhiscockatriceJunolock'dup.'Heart,anallthepoetryinParnassusgetmetobeaplayeragain,I'llsell'emmyshareforasesterce.ButthisisHumours,Horace,thatgoat-footedenviousslave;he'sturuMfawnnow;aninformer,therogue!'tishehasbetray'dusall.Didyounotseehimwiththeemperorcrouching?

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Cris.Yes.

Tuc.Well,followme.Thoushaltlibel,andI'llcudgeltherascal.Boy,providemeatruncheon.Revengeshallgratulatehim,tarnMarti,quamMercurio.

Pyr.Ay,butmaster,takeheedhowyougivethisout;Horaceisamanofthesword.

Cris."Tistrue,introth;theysayhe'svaliant.

Tuc.Valiant?soisminea—.Godsandfiends!I'llblowhimintoairwhenImeethimnext:hedaresnotfightwithapuck-fist.

[Horacepassesoverthestage.

Pyr.Master,hecomes!

Tuc.Where?Jupitersavethee,mygoodpoet,mynobleprophet,mylittlefatHorace.—Iscorntobeattherogueinthecourt;andIsalutedhimthusfair,becauseheshouldsuspectnothing,therascal.Come,we'llgoseehowfarforwardourjourneymanistowardtheuntrussingofhim.

Cris.Doyouhear,captain?I'llwritenothinginitbutinnocence,becauseImayswearIaminnocent.[Exeunt.

SCENEVI.EnterHORACE,MEC^JNAS,LUPUS,HISTRIO,andLictors.

Hor.Nay,whypursueyounottheemperorforyourrewardnow,Lupus?

Mec.Stay,Asinius;

Youandyourstager,andyourbandoflictors:Ihopeyourservicemeritsmorerespect,Thanthus,withoutathanks,tobesenthence.

His.Well,well,jeston,jeston.

Hor.Thoubase,unworthygroom!

Lup.Ay,ay,'tisgood.

Hor.Wasthisthetreason,thisthedangerousplot,Thyclamoroustonguesobellow'dthroughthecourt?HadstthounootherprojecttoencreaseThygracewithCsesar,butthiswolfishtrain,TopreyuponthelifeofinnocentmirthAndharmlesspleasures,bredofnoblewit?Away!Iloaththypresence;suchasthou,Theyarethemothsandscarabsofastate,Thebaneofempires,andthedregsofcourts;Who,toendearthemselvestoanemployment,Carenotwhosefametheyblast,whoselifetheyendanger;And,underadisguisedandcobwebmaskOfloveuntotheirsovereign,vomitforthTheirownprodigiousmalice;andpretendingTobethepropsandcolumnsoftheirsafety,Theguardsuntohispersonandhispeace,Disturbitmost,wththeirfalse,lapwing-cries.

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Lup.Good!Csesarshallknowofthis,believeit.

Jlec.CcTsardothknowit,wolf,andtohisknowledge,Hewill,Ihope*rewardyourbaseendeavours.Princesthatwillbuthear,orgiveaccessTosuchofficiousspies,canne'erbesafe:Theytakeinpoisonwithanopenear,And,freefromdanger,becomeslavestofear.[Exeunt.

SCENEVII.—AnopenSpacebeforethePalace.EnterOVID.

Banish'dthecourt!Letmebebanish'dlife,

Sincethechiefendoflifeisthereconcluded:

Withinthecourtisallthekingdombounded,

Andashersacredspheredothcomprehend

Tenthousandtimessomuch,assomuchplace

Inanypartofalltheempireelse;

Soeverybody,movinginhersphere,

Containstenthousandtimesasmuchinhim,

Asanyotherherchoiceorbexcludes.

Asinacircle,amagicianthen

Issafeagainstthespiritheexcites;

But,outofit,issubjecttohisrage,

Andlosethallthevirtueofhisart:

SoI,exiledthecircleofthecourt,

LoseallthegoodgiftsthatinitI'joy'd.

Novirtuecurrentis,butwithherstamp,

Andnovicevicious,blanch'dwithherwhitehand.

Thecourt'stheabstractofallRome'sdesert,

AndmydearJuliatheabstractofthecourt.

Methinks,nowIcomenearher,Irespire

SomeairofthatlatecomfortIreceived;

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Andwhiletheevening,withhermodestveil,

Givesleavetosuchpoorshadowsasmyself

Tostealabroad,I,likeaheartlessghost,

Withoutthelivingbodyofmylove,

Willherewalkandattendher:forIknow

Notfarfromhencesheisimprisoned,

Andhopes,ofherstrictguardian,tobri!>e

Somuchadmittance,astospeaktomo,

Andcheermyfaintingspiritswithherbreath.

Julia,[appearsaboveatherchamberwindow.]Ovid?mylove?

Ovid.Here,heavenlyJulia.

Jul.Here!andnothere!O,howthatworddothplayWithbothourfortunes,differing,likeourselves,Bothone;andyetdivided,asopposed!Ihigh,thoulow:0,thisourplightofplaroDoublypresentsthetwoletsofourlove,Localandceremonialheight,andlown-Bothways,Iamtoohigh,andthoutoolow.

Ourmindsareevenyet;O,whyshouldourbodies,

Thataretheirslaves,besowithouttheirrule?

I'llcastmyselfdowntothee;ifIdie,

I'lleverlivewiththee:noheightofbirth,

Ofplace,ofduty,orofcruelpower,

Shallkeepmefromthee;shouldmyfatherlock

Thisbodyupwithinatombofbrass,

YetI'llbewiththee.IftheformsIhold

Nowinmysoul,bemadeonesubstancewithit;

Thatsoulimmortal,andthesame'tisnow;

Deathcannotrazetheaffectsshenowretaineth:

Andthen,mayshebeanywhereshewill.

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Thesoulsofparentsrulenotchildren'ssouls,

Whendeathsetsbothintheirdissolv'destates;

Thenisnochildnorfather;theneternity

Freesallfromanytemporalrespect.

Icome,myOvid;takemeinthinearms,

Andletmebreathemysoulintothybreast.

Ovid.0stay,mylove;thehopesthoudostconceiveOfthyquickdeath,andofthyfuturelife,Arenotauthentical.Thouchoosestdeath,Sothoumight'st'joythyloveintheotherlife:Butknow,myprincelylove,whenthouartdead,Thouonlymustsurviveinperfectsoul;Andinthesoularenoaffections.Wepouroutouraffectionswithourblood,And,withourblood'saffections,fadeourloves.Nolifehathloveinsuchsweetstateasthis;NoessenceissodeartomoodysenseAsfleshandblood,whosequintessenceissense.Beauty,composedofbloodandflesh,movesmore,Andismoreplausibletobloodandflesh,Thanspiritualbeautycanbetothespirit.Suchapprehensionaswehaveindreams,When,sleep,thebondofsenses,locksthemup,Suchshallwehave,whendeathdestroysthemquite.Iflovebethenthyobject,changenotlife;Livehighandhappystill:Istillbelow,Closewithmyfortunes,inthyheigntsnailjoy.

Jul.Ayme,thatvirtue,whosebraveeagle'swings,Witheverystrokeblowstarsinburningheaven,Should,likeaswallow,preyingtowardsstorms,Flyclosetoearth,andwithaneagerplume,Pursuethoseobjectswhichnoneelsecansee,Butseemtoalltheworldtheemptyair!Thusthou,poorOvid,andallvirtuousmen,Mustprey,likeswallows,oninvisiblefood,Pursuingflies,ornothing:andthuslove,Andeveryworldlyfancy,istransposed

Byworldlytyrannytowhatplightitlist.

0father,sincethougav'stmenotmymind,Strivenottoruleit;takebutwhatthougav'stTothydisposure:thyaffections

Rulenotinme;Imustbearallmygriefs,

Letmeuseallmypleasures;virtuouslove

Wasneverscandaltoagoddess'state.—

Buthe'sinflexible!and,mydearlove,

Thylifemaychancebeshorten'dbythelength

Ofmyunwillingspeechestodepart.

Farewell,sweetlife;thoughthoubeyetexiled

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Theofficiouscourt,enjoymeamplystill:

Mysoul,inthismybreath,entersthineears,

Andonthisturret'sfloorwillIliedead,

Tillwemaymeetagain:Inthisproudheight,

1kneelbeneaththeeinmyprostratelove,Andkissthehappysandsthatkissthyfeet.GreatJovesubmitsasceptretoacell,Andlovers,eretheypart,willmeetinhell.

Ovid.Farewellallcompany,and,ifIcould,Alllightwiththee!hell'sshadeshouldhidemybrows,Tillthydearbeauty'sbeamsredeem'dmyvows.[Going

Jul.Ovid,mylove;alas!maywenotstayAlittlelonger,think'stthou,undiscern'd?

Ovid.Forthineowngood,fairgoddess,donotstay.WhowouldengageafirmamentoffiresShininginthee,forme,afallingstar?Begone,sweetlife-blood;ifIshoulddiscernThyselfbuttouch'dformysake,Ishoulddie.

Jul.Iwillbegone,then;andnotheavenitselfShalldrawmeback.

Ovid.Yet,Julia,ifthouwilt,Alittlelongerstay.

Jul.Iamcontent.

Ovid.O,mightyOvid!whattheswayofheavenCouldnotretire,mybreathhathturnedback.

Jul.Whoshallgofirst,mylove?mypassionateeyesWillnotenduretoseetheeturnfromme.

Ovid.Ifthougofirst,mysoulwillfollowthee.

Jul.Thenwemuststay.

Ovid.Ayme,thereisnostayInamorouspleasures;ifbothstay,bothdie.

Ihearthyfather;hence,mydeity.[Juliaretiresfromthewindow.Fearforgethsoundsinmydeludedears;Ididnothearhim;Iammadwithlove.Thereisnospiritunderheaven,thatworksWithsuchillusion;yetsuchwitchcraftkillme,Ereasoundmind,withoutit,savemylife!Here,onmyknees,Iworshiptheblestplace

Thatheldmygoddess;andthelovingair,

Thatclosedherbodyinhissilkenarms.

VainOvid!kneelnottotheplace,norair;

She'sinthyheart;risethen,andworshipthere.

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Thetruestwisdomsillymencanhave,

Isdotageonthefolliesoftheirflesh.[Exit.

ACTV

SCENEI.—AnApartmentinthePalace.

EnterGESAB,MECLENAS,GALLUS,TIBUXLUS,HORACE,and

EquitesRoinani.

Cces.We,thathaveconquer'dstill,tosavetheconquer'd,Andlovedtomakeinflictionsfear'd,notfelt;Grievedtoreprove,andjoyfultoreward;Moreproudofreconcilementthanrevenge;Resumeintothelatestateofourlove,WorthyCorneliusGallus,andTibullus:Youbotharegentlemen:and,you,Cornelius,Asoldierofrenown,andthefirstprovostThateverletourRomaneaglesflyOnswarthy^Egypt,quarriedwithherspoils.Yet(nottobearcoldforms,normen'sout-terms,Withouttheinwardfires,andlivesofmen)Youbothhavevirtuesshiningthroughyourshapes;Toshew,yourtitlesarenotwritonposts,Orhollowstatueswhichthebestmenare,WithoutPrometheanstuffingsreach'dfromheaven!Sweetpoesy'ssacredgarlandscrownyourgentry:Whichis,ofallthefacultiesonearth,Themostabstractandperfect;ifshebeTrue-born,andnursedwithallthesciences.ShecansomouldRome,andhermonuments,Withintheliquidmarbleofherlines,Thattheyshallstandfreshandmiraculous,Evenwhentheymixwithinnovatingdust;InhersweetstreamsshallourbraveRomanspiritsChase,andswimafterdeath,withtheirchoicedeedsShiningontheirwhiteshoulders;andthereinShallTyber,andourfamousriversfallWithsuchattraction,thattheambitiouslineOftheroundworldshalltohercentreshrink,Toheartheirmusic:and,forthesehighparts,CsesarshallreverencethePierianarts.

Mec.Yourmajesty'shighgracetopoesy,Shallstand'gainstallthedulldetractionsOfleadensouls;who,forthevainassumings

Ofsome,quiteworthlessofhersovereignwreaths,Containherworthiestprophetsincontempt.

Gal.HappyisRomeofallearth'sotherstates,Tohavesotrueandgreatapresident,Forherinferiorspiritstoimitate,AsCaesaris;whoaddethtothesunInfluenceandlustre;inincreasingthusHisinspirations,kindlingfireinus.

Hor.PhoebushimselfshallkneelatCaesar'sshrine,Anddeckitwithbaygarlandsdew'dwithwine,ToquittheworshipCaesardoestohim:Whereotherprinces,hoistedtotheirthronesByFortune'spassionateanddisorder'dpower,Sitintheirheight,likecloudsbeforethesun,Hinderinghiscomforts;and,bytheirexcessOfcoldinvirtue,andcrossheatinvice,Thunderandtempestonthoselearnedheads,WhomCaesarwithsuchhonourdothadvance.

Tib.AllhumanbusinessfortunedothcommandWithoutallorder;andwithherblindhand,She,blind,bestowsblindgifts,thatstillhavenurst,Theyseenotwho,norhow,butstill,theworst.

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Cces.Caesar,forhisrule,andforsomuchstuffAsFortuneputsinhishand,shalldisposeit,Asifhishandhadeyesandsoulinit,Withworthandjudgment.Hands,thatpartwithgiftsOrwillrestraintheiruse,withoutdesert,Orwithamiserynumb'dtovirtue'sright,Work,astheyhadnosoultogovernthem,Andquiterejecther;severingtheirestatesFromhumanorder.Whosoevercan,Andwillnotcherishvirtue,isnoman.

EntersomeoftheEquestrianOrder.

Eques.Virgilisnowathand,imperialCaesar.

Cces.Rome'shonourisathandthen.Fetchachair,Andsetitonourrighthand,where'tisfitRome'shonourandourownshouldeversit.NowheiscomeoutofCampania,Idoubtnothehathfinish'dallhis^Eneids.Which,likeanothersoul,Ilongtoenjoy.WhatthinkyouthreeofVirgil,gentlemen,Thatareofhisprofession,thoughrank'dhigher;Or,Horace,whatsay'stthou,thatartthepoorest,Andlikeliesttoenvy,ortodetract?

Hor.Caesarspeaksaftercommonmeninthis,Tomakeadifferenceofmeformypoorness;AsifthefilthofpovertysunkasdeepIntoaknowingspirit,asthebane

Ofrichesdothintoanignorantsoul.

No,Caesar,theybepathless,moorishminds

Thatbeingoncemaderottenwiththedung

Ofdamnedriches,everaftersink

Beneaththestepsofanyvillainy.

Butknowledgeisthenectarthatkeepssweot

Aperfectsoul,eveninthisgraveofsin;

Andformysoul,itisasfreeasCaesar's,

ForwhatIknowisdueI'llgivetoall.

Hethatdetractsorenviesvirtuousmerit,

Isstillthecovetousandtheignorantspirit.

Cces.Thanks,Horace,forthyfreeandwholesomesharpness,WhichpleasethCaesarmorethanservilefawns.Aflatter'dprincesoonturnstheprinceoffools.Andforthysake,we'llputnodifferencemoreBetweenthegreatandgoodforbeingpoor.Saythen,lovedHorace,thytruethoughtofVirgil.

Hor.Ijudgehimofarectifiedspirit,Bymanyrevolutionsofdiscourse,(Inhisbrightreason'sinfluence,)refinedFromallthetartarousmoodsofcommonmen;BearingthenatureandsimilitudeOfarightheavenlybody;mostsevereInfashionandcollectionofhimself;And,

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then,asclearandconfidentasJove.

Gal.Andyetsochasteandtenderishisear,Insufferinganysyllabletopass,Thathethinksmaybecomethehonour'dnameOfissuetohissoexaminedself,Thatallthelastingfruitsofhisfullmerit,Inhisownpoems,hedothstilldistaste;Andifhismind'spiece,whichhestrovetopaint,Couldnotwithfleshlypencilshaveherright.

Tib.Buttoapprovehisworksofsovereignworth,Thisobservation,methinks,morethanserves,Andisnotvulgar.ThatwhichhehathwritIswithsuchjudgmentlabour'd,anddistill'dThroughalltheneedfulusesofourlives,Thatcouldamanrememberbuthislines,Heshouldnottouchatanyseriouspoint,Buthemightbreathehisspiritoutofhim.

Cces.Youmean,hemightrepeatpartofhisworks,Asfitforanyconferencehecanuse?

Tib.True,royalCaesar.

Cces.Worthilyobserved;Andamostworthyvirtueinhisworks.WhatthinksmaterialHoraceofhislearning?

Hor.Hislearningsavoursnottheschool-likegloss,Thatmostconsistsinechoingwordsandterms,

Andsoonestwinsamananemptyname;Noranylongorfar-fetch'dcircumstanceWrapp'dinthecuriousgeneraltiesofarts;ButadirectandanalyticsumOfalltheworthandfirsteffectsofarts.Andforhispoesy,'tissoramm'dwithlife,Thatitshallgatherstrengthoflife,withbeing,Andlivehereaftermoreadmiredthannow.

Coes.Thisoneconsentinallyourdoomsofhim,Andmutuallovesofallyourseveralmerits,Arguesatruthofmeritinyouall.—

EnterVIRGIL.

See,herecomesVirgil;wewillriseandgreethim.WelcometoCcesar,Virgil!CaesarandVirgilShalldifferbutinsound;toCaesar,Virgil,Ofhisexpressedgreatness,shallbemadeAsecondsirnarne,andtoVirgil,Caesar.Wherearethyfamous^Eneids?dousgraceToletussee,andsurfeitontheirsight.

Virg.WorthlesstheyareofCaesar'sgraciouseyes,Iftheywereperfect;muchmorewiththeirwants,Whichareyetmorethanmytimecouldsupply.And,couldgreatCe&sar'sexpectationBesatisfiedwithanyotherservice,Iwouldnotshewthem.

COBS.Virgilistoomodest;Orseeks,invain,tomakeourlongingsmore:Shewthem,sweetVirgil.

Virg.Then,insuchduefearAsfitspresentersofgreatworkstoCaesar,Ihumblyshewthem.

Cces.LetusnowbeholdAhumansoulmadevisibleinlife;AndmorerefulgentinasenselesspaperThaninthesensualcomplementofki:Read,readthyself,dearVirgil;letnotmeProfaneoneaccentwithanuntunedtongue:Bestmatter,badlyshewn,shewsworsethanbe,

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I.Seethenthischair,ofpurposesetfortheeToreadthypoemin;refuseitnot.Virtue,withoutpresumption,placemaytahoAbovebestkings,whomonlysheshouldniako.

Virg.ItwillbethoughtathingridiculousTopresenteyes,andtoallfuturetimesAgrossuntruth,thatanypoet,voidOfbirth,orwealth,ortemporaldignity.Should,withdecorum,transcendCaesar'selvir.Poorvirtueraised,highbirthandwealthsetunlor,

Crossethheaven'scourses,andmakesworldlingswonder.

Gees.Thecourseofheaven,andfateitself,inthis,WillCaesarcross;muchmoreallworldlycustom.

Hor.Custom,incourseofhonour,evererrs;Andtheyarebestwhomfortuneleastprefers.

Gees.Horacehathbutmorestrictlyspokeourthoughts.ThevastrudeswingofgeneralconfluenceIs,inparticularends,exemptfromsense:Andthereforereason(whichinrightshouldbeThespecialrectorofallharmony)Shallshewweareamandistinctbyit,Fromthose,whomcustomraptethinherpress.Ascendthen,Virgil;andwherefirstbychanceWeherehaveturn'dthybook,dothoufirstread.

Virg.GreatCassarhathhiswill;Iwillascend.'Tweresimpleinjurytohisfreehand,Thatsweepsthecobwebsfromunusedvirtue,Andmakeshershineproportion'dtoherworth,Tobemorenicetoentertainhisgrace,Thanheischoice,andliberaltoaffordit.

Gees.Gentlemenofourchamber,guardthedoors,Andletnoneenter;[ExeuntEquites.]peace.Begin,goodVirgil.

Virg.Meanwhiletheskies'ganthunder,andintailOfthat,fellpouringstormsofsleetandhail:TheTyrianlordsandTrojanyouth,eachwhereWithVenus'Dardanenephew,now,infear,Seekoutforseveralshelterthroughtheplain,Whilstfloodscomerollingfromthehillsamain.Didoacave,theTrojanprincethesameLightedupon.Thereearthandheaven'sgreatdame,Thathaththechargeofmarriage,firstgavesignUntohiscontract;fireandairdidshine,Asguiltyofthematch;andfromthehillThenymphswithshriekingsdotheregionfill.Herefirstbegantheirbane;thisdaywasgroundOfalltheirills;fornow,norrumour'ssound,Nornicerespectofstate,movesDidoought;Herlovenolongernowbystealthissought:Shecallsthiswedlock,andwiththatfairnameCoversherfault.Forthwiththebruitandfame,ThroughallthegreatestLybiantoivnsisgone;Fame,afleetevil,thanwhichissivifternone,Thatmovinggrows,andflyinggathersstrength;Littleatfirst,andfearful;butatlengthShedaresattempttheskies,andstalkingproudWithfeetonground,herheaddothpierceacloud!Thischild,ourparentearth,stirredupwithspiteOfallthegods,broughtforth;and,assomewrite,Shewaslastsisterofthatgiantrace

ThatthoughttoscaleJove'scourt;rightswiftofpace,

Andswifttrfarofwing;amonstervast,

Anddreadful.Look,howmanyplumesareplaced

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Onherhugecorps,somanywakingeyes

Stickunderneath;and,whichmaystrangerrise

Inthereport,asmanytonguesshebears,

Asmanymouths,asmanylisteningears.

Nightly,inmidstofalltheheaven,sheflies,

Andthroughtheearth'sdarkshadowshriekingcries;

J\V,rdohereyesoncebendtotastesweetsleep;

Bydayontopsofhousesshedothkeep,

Oronhightowers;anddoththenceaffright

Citiesandtownsofmostconspicuoussite:

Ascovetoussheisoftalesandlies,

Asprodigaloftruth:thismonster—

Lup.[within.']Come,followme,assistme,secondme!Where'stheemperor?

1Eques.[unthin]Sir,youmustpardonus.

2Eques.[within.}Caesarisprivatenow;youmaynotenter.Tuc.[within.]Notenter!Chargethemupontheirallegiance,

cropshin.

1Eques.[icithin.]Wehaveachargetothecontrary,sir.

Lup.[within.'}Ipronounceyoualltraitors,horribletraitors:What!doyouknowmyaffairs?IhavematterofdangerandstatetoimparttoCaesar.

Coes.Whatnoiseisthere?who'sthatnamesCaesar?

Lup.[within.]AfriendtoCaesar.Onethat,forCaesar'sgood,wouldspeakwithCaesar.

Cces.Whoisit?look,Cornelius.

1Eques.[trifj/in.]AsiniusLupus.

Cces.0,bidtheturbulentinformerhence;Wehavenovacantearnow,toreceiveTheunseason'dfruitsofhisofficioustongue.

Mec.Youmustavoidhimthere.

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Lup.[within.]Iconjurethee,asthouartCaesar,orrespectestthineownsafety,orthesafetyofthestate,Caesar,hearme,speakwithme,Ca'sar;'tisnocommonbusinessIcomeabout,butsuch,asbeingneglected,mayconcernthelifeofCaesar.

Cces.ThelifeofCoesar!Lethimenter.Virgil,kcr>|>t!'vsr>at.

Equites.[within.]Bearback,there:whitherwillyou?keepbackl

EnterLUPUS,TUCCA,andLictors.

Tuc.Bythyleave,goodmanusher:mendthyperuke;so.

Lup.LayholdonHoracethere;andonMer-M-rins.lictors.Romans,olTr-rnorescue,uponyourallegiance:read,royalC;r[Givesapaper.}I'lltickleyou,Satyr.

TV.Hewill,Humours,hewill;hewillsqueezeyou,poetpuck-fist.

Lup.I'lllopyouoffforanunprofitablebranch,yousatiricalvarlet.

Tuc.Ay,andEpaminondasyourpatronhere,withhisflagonchain;come,resign:[takesoffMeccenas1chain,']though'twereyourgreatgrandfather's,thelawhasmadeitminenow,sir.Looktohim,myparty-colouredrascals;looktohim.

Gees.Whatisthis,AsiniusLupus?Iunderstanditnot.

Lup.Notunderstandit!Alibel,Caesar;adangerous,seditiouslibel;alibelinpicture.

Cces.Alibel!

Lup.Ay,IfounditinthisHoracehisstudy,inMecsenashishouse,here;Ichallengethepenaltyofthelawsagainstthem.

Tuc.Ay,andremembertobegtheirlandbetimes;beforesomeofthesehungrycourt-houndsscentitout.

Cces.ShewittoHorace:askhimifheknowit.

Lup.Knowit!hishandisatit,Caesar.

CCES.Then'tisnolibel.

Hor.Itistheimperfectbodyofanemblem,Cassar,IbeganforMecsenas.

Lup.Anemblem!right:that'sGreekforalibel.Dobutmarkhowconfidentheis.

Hor.Ajustmancannotfear,thoufoolishtribune;Not,thoughthemaliceoftraducingtongues,Theopenvastnessofatyrant'sear,Thesenselessrigourofthewrestedlaws,Ortheredeyesofstrain'dauthority,Should,inapoint,meetalltotakehislife:Hisinnocenceisarmour'gainstallthese.

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Lup.Innocence!Oimpudence!letmesee,letmesee!Isnothereaneagle!andisnotthateaglemeantbyCsesar,ha?DoesnotCaesargivetheeagle?answerme;whatsayestthou?

Tuc.Hastthouanyevasion,stinkard?

Lup.Nowhe'sturn'ddumb.I'lltickleyou,Satyr.

Hor.Pish:ha,ha!

Lup.Dostthoupishme?Givememylongsword.

Hor.WithreverencetogreatCaesar,worthyRomans,Observebutthisridiculouscommenter;Thesoultomydevicewasinthisdistich:

Thusoft,thebaseandravenousmultitudeSurvive,tosharethespoilsoffortitude.

WhichinthisbodyIhavefiguredhere,Avulture—

Lup.Avulture!Ay,now,'tisavulture.Oabominable!monstrous!monstrous!hasnotyourvultureabeak?hasitnotlegs,andtalons,andwings,andfeathers?

Tuc.Touchhim,oldbuskins.

Hor.Andthereforemustitbeaneagle?

Mec.Respecthimnot,goodHorace:sayyourdevice.

Hor.Avultureandawolf—

ThePoetaster

Lup.Awolf!good:that'sI;Iamthewolf:myname'sLupus;Iammeantbythewolf.On,on;avultureandawolf—

Hor.Preyinguponthecarcassofanass—

Lup.Anass!goodstill:that'sItoo;Iamtheass.Youmeanmebytheass.

Mec.Prithee,leavebrayingthen.

Hor.Ifyouwillneedstakeit,Icannotwithmodestygiveitfromyou.

Mt-c.But,bythatbeast,theoldEgyptiansWerewonttofigure,intheirhieroglyphics,Patience,frugality,andfortitude;Fornoneofwhichwecansuspectyou,tribune.

Cces.Whowasit,Lupus,thatinform'dyoufirst,Thisshouldbemeantbyus?Orwas'tyourcomment?

Lup.No,Caesar;aplayergavemethefirstlightofitindeed.

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Tuc.Ay,anhonestsycophant-likeslave,andapoliticianbesides.

Cces.Whereisthatplayer?

Tuc.Heiswithouthere.

Cces.Callhimin.

Tuc.Callintheplayerthere:master^sop,callhim.

Equites.[within.]Player!whereistheplayer?bearback:nonebuttheplayerenter.

Enter^Esop,followedbyCRISPINTJSandDEMETRIUS.

Tuc.Yes,thisgentlemanandhisAchatesmust.

Cris.Prayyou,masterusher:—we'llstandclose,here.

Tuc.'Tisagentlemanofquality,this;thoughhebesomewhatoutofclothes,Itellye.—Come,^Esop,hastabay-leafinthymouth?Wellsaid;benotout,stinkard.Thoushalthaveamonopolyofplayingconfirm'dtothee,andthycovey,undertheemperor'sbroadseal,forthisservice.

Cces.Isthishe?

Lup.Ay,Caesar,thisishe.

Cces.Lethimbewhipped.Lictors,gotakehimhence.And,Lupus,foryourfiercecredulity,Onefithimwithapairoflargerears:'TisCaesar'sdoom,andmustnotberevoked.\V<>hatetohaveourcourtandpeacedisturb'dWiththesequotidianclamours.Seeitdone.

Lup.Caesar![ExeuntsomeoftheLictorx,irithLupusand

Cces.Gaghim,[that]wemayhavehissilence.

Virg.CaesarhathdonelikeCaesar.FairandjustIshisaward,againstthesebrainlesscreatures.'Tisnotthewholesomesharpmorality,Ormodestangerofasatiricspirit,Thathurtsorwoundsthebodyofthestate;ButthesinisterapplicationOfthemalicious,ignorant,andbaseInterpreter;whowilldistort,andstrain

ThegeneralscopeandpurposeofanauthorTohisparticularandprivatespleen.

Cces.Weknowit,ourdearVirgil,andesteemitAmostdishonestpracticeinthatman,Willseemtoowittyinanother'swork.WhatwouldCorneliusGallus,andTibullus?[TheywhisperCcesar.

Tuc.[toMeccenas.]Nay,butasthouartaman,dosthear!amanofworshipandhonourable:hold,here,takethychainagain.Resume,madMecaenas.What!dostthouthinkImeanttohavekeptit,oldboy?no:Ididitbuttofrightthee,I,totryhowthouwould'sttakeit.What!

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willIturnsharkuponmyfriends,ormyfriends'friends?Iscornitwithmythreesouls.Come,IlovebullyHoraceaswellasthoudost,I:'tisanhonesthieroglyphic.Givemethywrist,Helicon.DostthouthinkI'llseconde'erarhinocerosofthemall,againstthee,ha?orthynobleHippocrene,here?I'llturnstagerfirst,andbewhipttoo:dostthousee,bully?

Cces.YouhaveyourwillofCaesar:useit,Romans.Virgilshallbeyourpraetor:andourselfWillheresitby,spectatorofyoursports;Andthinkitnoimpeachofroyalty.Ourearisnowtoomuchprofaned,graveMaro,Withthesedistastes,totakethysacredlines;Putupthybook,tillboththetimeandweBefittedwithmorehallow'dcircumstanceForthereceivingofsodivineawork.Proceedwithyourdesign.

Mec.Gal.Tib.ThankstogreatCaesar.

Gal.Tibullus,drawyoutheindictmentthen,whilstHoracearreststhemonthestatuteofCalumny.MecaenasandIwilltakeourplaceshere.Lictors,assisthim.

Hor.Iamtheworstaccuserunderheaven.

Gal.Tut,youmustdoit;'twillbenoblemirth.

Hor.Itakenoknowledgethattheydomalignme.

Tib.Ay,buttheworldtakesknowledge.

Hor.WouldtheworldknewHowheartilyIwishafoolshouldhateme!

Tuc.BodyofJupiter!what!willtheyarraignmybriskPoetasterandhispoorjourneyman,ha?WouldIwereabroadskelderingforadrachm,soIwereoutofthislabyrinthagain!Idofeelmyselfturnstinkardalready:butImustsetthebestfaceIhaveupon'tnow.[Aside.]—Wellsaid,mydivine,deftHorace,bringthewhoresondetractingslavestothebar,do;makethemholduptheirspreadgolls:I'llgiveinevidenceforthee,ifthouwilt.Takecourage,Crispinus;wouldthymanhadacleanband!

Cris.Whatmustwedo,captain?

Tuc.Thoushaltseeanon:donotmakedivisionwiththylegsso.

Goes.What'she,Horace?

Hor.Ionlyknowhimforamotion,Caesar.

Tuc.Iamoneofthycommanders,Caesar;amanofserviceand

action:mynameisPantiliusTucca;IhaveservedinthywarsagainstMarkAntony,I.

Cces.Doyouknowhim,Cornelius?

Gal.He'sonethathathhadthemustering,orconvoyofacompanynowandthen:Inevernotedhimbyanyotheremployment.

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Cces.\Wewillobservehimbetter.

Tib.Lictor,proclaimsilenceinthecourt.

Lict.InthenameofCaesar,silence!

Tib.Lettheparties,theaccuserandtheaccused,presentthemselves.

Lict.Theaccuserandtheaccused,presentyourselvesincourt.

Cris.Dem.Here.

Virg.Readtheindictment.

Tib.RufusLaberiusCrispinus,andDemetriusFannius,holdupyourhands.Youare,beforethistime,jointlyandseverallyindicted,andherepresentlytobearraigneduponthestatuteofcalumny,orLexRemmia,theonebythenameofRufusLaberiusCrispinus,aliasCri-spinas,poetasterandplagiary;theotherbythenameofDemetriusFannius,play-dresserandplagiary.Thatyou(nothavingthefearofPhoebus,orhisshafts,beforeyoureyes)contrarytothepeaceofourliegelord,AugustusCcesar,hiscrownanddignity,andagainsttheformofastatute,inthatcasemadeandprovided,havemostignorantly,foolishly,and,morelikeyourselves,maliciously,goneabouttodeprave,andcalumniatethepersonandwritingsofQuintusHoratiusFlaccus,herepresent,poet,andpriesttotheMuses;andtothatendhavemutuallyconspiredandplotted,atsundrytimes,asbyseveralmeans,andinsundryplaces,forthebetteraccomplishingyourbaseandenviouspurpose;taxinghimfalsely,ofself-love,arrogancy,impudence,railing,filchingbytranslation,etc.Ofallwhichcalumnies,andeveryofthem,inmannerandformaforesaid;wliatansweryou?Areyouguilty,ornotguilty?

Tuc.Notguilty,say.

Cris.Dem.Notguilty.

Tib.Howwillyoubetried?

Tuc.BytheRomanGods,andthenoblestRomans.

[AsidetoCrispinus.

Cris.Dem.BytheRomangods,andthenoblestRomans.

Virg.HeresitsMecaenas,andCorneliusGallus,areyoucontentedtobetriedbythese?

Tuc.Ay,sothenoblecaptainmaybejoinedwiththemincommission,say.[A*

Cris.Dem.Ay,sothenoblecaptainmaybejoinedwiththemincommission.

Virg.\Yhatsaystheplaintiff?

Hor.Iamcontent.

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Virg.Captain,thentakeyourpinon.

Tuc.Alas,myworshipfulpraetor!'tismoreofthygentlenessthanofmydeserving,Iwusse.Butsinceithathpleasedthecourttomakechoiceofmywisdomandgravity,come,mycalumnious

varlets;let'shearyoutalkforyourselves,now,anhourortwo.Whatcanyousay?Makeanoise.Act,act!

Virg.Stay,turn,andtakeanoathfirst.Youshallswear,Bythunder-dartingJove,thekingofgods,AndbythegeniusofAugustusCcesar;Byyourownwhite,anduncorruptedsouls,AndthedeepreverenceofourRomanjustice;Tojudgethiscase,withtruthandequity:Asboundbyyourreligion,andyourlaws.Nowreadtheevidence:butfirstdemandOfeitherprisoner,ifthatwritbetheirs.[Giveshimtwopapers.

Tib.ShewthisuntoCrispinus.Isityours?

Tuc.Say,ay.[Aside.]—What!dostthoustanduponit,pimp?DonotdenythineownMinerva,thyPallas,theissueofthybrain.

Cris.Yesitismine.

Tib.ShewthatuntoDemetrius.Isityours?

Dem.Itis.

Tuc.There'safatherwillnotdenyhisownbastardnow,Iwarrantthee.

Virg.Readthemaloud.

Tib.Rampupmygenius,benotretrograde;ButboldlynominateaspadeaspadeWhat,shallthylubricalandglibberymuseLive,assheweredefunct,likepunkinstewsI

Tuc.Excellent!

Alas!thatwerenomodernconsequence,Tohavecothurnalbuskinsfrightedhence.No,teachthyIncubustopoetise;Andthrowabroadthyspurioussnotteries,Uponthatpuft-uplumpofbalmyfroth,

Tuc.Ah,Ah!

Orclumsychilblain'djudgment;thatwithoathMagnificateshismerit;andbespawlsTheconscioustime,withhumorousfoamandbraids,AsifhisorganonsofsensewouldcrackThesinewsofmypatience.Breakhisback,

0poetsallandsome!fornowwelist

Ofstrenuousvengeancetoclutchthefist.CRISPINUS.

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Tuc.Ay,marry,thiswaswrittenlikeaHerculesinpoetry,now.

Cces.Excellentlywellthreaten'd!

Virg.Andasstrangelyworded,Csesar.

Cces.Weobserveit.

Virg.Theothernow.

Tuc.Thisisafellowofagoodprodigaltonguetoo,thiswilldowell.

Tib.OurMuseisinmindforth?untrussingapoet;

1slipbyhisname,formostmendoknowit:Acritic,thatalltheworldbescumbers

Withsatiricalhumoursandlyricalnumbers:

Tuc.Artthouthere,boy?Andforthemostpart,himselfdaffiadvanceWithmuchself-love,andmorearrogance.

Tuc.Goodagain!

And,butthatIwouldnotbethoughtapraler,Icouldtellyouhewereatranslator.Iknowtheauthorsfromwhencehehasstole,Andcouldtracehimtoo,butthatIunderstandthemnotfnilandwhole.

Tuc.Thatlineisbrokeloosefromallhisfellows:chainhimupshorter,do.

ThebestnoteIcangiveyoutoknowhimby,Is,thathekeepsgallants'company;WhomIcouldwish,intimeshouldhimfear,Lestaftertheybuyrepentancetoodear.DEME.FANNTUS.

Tuc.Wellsaid!Thiscarriespalmwithit.

Hor.Andwhy,thoumotleygull,whyshouldtheyfear?Whenhastthouknownuswrongortaxafriend?1darethymalicetobetrayit.Speak.Nowthoucurl'stup,thoupoorandnastysnake,Andshrink'stthypoisonousheadintothybosom:Out,viper!thouthateat'stthyparents,hence!Rather,suchspeckledcreatures,asthyself,Shouldbeeschew'd,andshunn'd;suchaswillbiteAndgnawtheirabsentfriends,notcuretheirfame;Catchattheloosestlaughters,andaffectTobethoughtjesters;suchascandeviseThingsneverseen,orhead,t'irnpairmen'snames,Andgratifytheircredulousadversaries;Willcarrytales,dobasestoffices,Cherishdividedfires,andstillencreaseNewflames,outofoldembers;willrevealEachsecretthat'scommittedtotheirtrust:Thesebeblackslaves;Romans,takeheedofthese.

Tuc.Thoutwang'stright,littleHorace:theybeindeedacoupleofchap-fall'ncurs.Come,weofthebench,let'srisetotheurn,andcondemnthemquickly.

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Virg.Beforeyougotogether,worthyRomans,Wearetotenderouropinion;Andgiveyouthoseinstructions,thatmayaddUntoyourevenjudgmentinthecause:Whichthuswedocommence.First,youmustknow,Thatwherethereisatrueandperfectmerit,Therecanbenodejection;andthescornOfhumblebaseness,ofii-ntiniessoworksInahighsoul,uponthegrosserspirit,Thattohisblearedandoffendedsense,Thereseemsahideousfaultblazedintheobject;Whenonlythediseaseisinhiseyes.Here-henceitcomesourHoracenowstandstax'd

Ofimpudence,self-love,andarrogance,Bythosewhosharenomeritinthemselves;Andthereforethinkhisportionisassmall.Forthey,fromtheirownguilt,assuretheirsouls,Iftheyshouldconfidentlypraisetheirworks,Inthemitwouldappearinflation:Which,inafullandwelldigestedman,Cannotreceivethatfoulabusivename,Butthefairtitleoferection.And,forhistrueuseoftranslatingmen,Itstillhathbeenaworkofasmuchpalm,Inclearestjudgments,astoinventormake,Hissharpness,—thatismostexcusable;Asbeingforcedoutofasufferingvirtue,Oppressedwiththelicenseofthetime:Andhowsoeverfoolsorjerkingpedants,Players,orsuch-likebuffoonbarkingwits,MaywiththeirbeggarlyandbarrentrashTicklebasevulgarears,intheirdespite;This,likeJove'sthunder,shalltheirpridecontrol,'Thehonestsatirehaththehappiestsoul."

Now,Romans,youhaveheardourthoughts;withdrawwhenyouplease.

Tib.Removetheaccusedfromthebar.

Tuc.Whoholdstheurntous,ha?Fearnothing,I'llquityou,minehonestpitifulstinkards;I'lldo't.

Cris.Captain,youshalleternallygirtmetoyou,asIamgenerous.

Tuc.Goto.

CCBS.Tibullus,lettherebeacaseofvizardsprivatelyprovided;wehavefoundasubjecttobestowthemon.

Tib.Itshallbedone,Csesar.

Cces.Herebewords,Horace,abletobastinadoaman'sears.

Hor.Ay.

Pleaseit,greatCsesar,Ihavepillsaboutme,Alixtwiththewhitestkindofhellebore,Wouldgivehimalightvomit,thatshouldpurgeHisbrainandstomachofthosetumorousheats:AlightIhaveleavetoministeruntohim.

Cozs.O,behisvEsculapius,gentleHorace!Youshallhaveleave,andheshallbeyourpatient.Virgil,Useyourauthority,commandhimforth.

Virg.Csesariscarefulofyourhealth,Crispinus;AndhathhimselfchoseaphysicianToministeruntoyou:takehispills.

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Hor.Theyaresomewhatbitter,sir,butverywholesome.Takeyetanother;so:standby,they'llworkanon.

Tib.Romans,returntoyourseveralseats:lictors,bringforwardtheurn;andsettheaccusedtothebar.

Tuc.Quickly,youwhoresonegregiousvarlets;comeforward.What!shallwesitalldayuponyou?Youmakenomorehastenow,thanabeggaruponpattens;oraphysiciantoapatientthathasnomoney,youpilchers.

Tib.RnfusLaberiusCrispinus,andDemetriusFanning,holdupyourhands.Youhave,accordingtotheRomancustom,putyourselvesupontrialtotheurn,fordiversandsundrycalumnies,whereofyouhave,beforethistime,beenindicted,andarenowpresentlyarraigned:prepareyourselvestohearkentotheverdictofyourtri/crs.CaiusCilniusMaecenaspronouncethyou,bythishand-writing,guilty.CorneliusGallus,guilty.PantiliusTucca—

Tuc.Parcel-guilty,I.

Dem.Hemeanshimself;foritwasheindeed.Suborn'dustothecalumny.

Tuc.I,youwhoresoncantharides!wasitI?

Dem.Iappealtoyourconscience,captain.

Tib.Thenyouconfessitnow?

Dem.Ido,andcravethemercyofthecourt.

Tib.WhatsaithCrispinus?

Cris.0,thecaptain,thecaptain—

Hor.Myphysicbeginstoworkwithmypatient,Isee.

Virg.Captain,standforthandanswer.

Tuc.Holdthypeace,poetpraetor:IappealfromtheetoCaesar,I.Domeright,royalCaesar.

CCBS.Marry,andIwill,sir.—Lietors,gaghim;do.Andputacaseofvizardso'erhishead,Thathemaylookbifronted,ashespeaks.

Tuc.Godsandfiends!Ca?sar!thouwiltnot.Caesar,wiltthou?Away,youwhoresonvultures;away.YouthinkIamadeadcorpsnow,becauseCaesarisdisposedtojestwithamanofmark.orso.Holdyourhook'dtalonsoutofmyflesh,youinhumanharpies.Goto,do't.What!willtheroyalAugustuscastawayagentlemanofworship,acaptainandacommander,foracoupleofcondemn'dcaitiffcalumniouscargos?

C^s.Dispatch,lictors.

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Tuc.Ca-sar![Thevizardsarcputuponhim.

•9.Forward,Tibullus.

Virg.DemandwhatcausetheyhadtomalignHorace.

Dem.Introth,nogreatcause,notI.Imustconfess;butthathekeptbettercompany,forthemostpart,thanI;andthatInmenlovedhimthanlovedme:an<lthathiswritingsthrivedbetterthanmine,andwerebetterlikedandgraced:nothingelse.Virg.Thusenvioussoulsrepineatothers'Lrood.

H<>r.Ifthisbeall,faith.Iforgivetheefieely.Knvymestill,soIOULTasVirgillovesme,Callus.Tiluillu*.andthebest-to-ar,

.MydearMee>nas;whilethese,withmanymoro.WhosenamesIwiselyslip,shallthinku.eworthyTheirhonour'dandadoredsoeietv.

Andreadandlove,proveandapplaudmypoems;Iwouldnotwishbutsuchasyoushouldspitethem.

Cris.0—!

Tib.Hownow,Crispinus?

Cris.O,Iamsick—!

Hor.Abason,abason,quickly;ourphysicworks.Faintnot,man.

Cris.0retrogradereciprocalincubus.

COBS.What'sthat,Horace?

Hor.Retrograde,reciprocal,andincubus,arecomeup.

Gal.ThanksbetoJupiter!

Cris.Oglibberylubricaldefunct—0—!

Hor.Wellsaid;here'ssomestore.

Virg.Whatarethey?

Hor.Glibbery,lubrical,anddefunct.

Gal.O,theycameupeasy.

Cris.O0—!

Tib.What'sthat?

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Hor.Nothingyet.

Cris.Magnificate—

Mec.Magnificate!Thatcameupsomewhathard.

Hor.Ay.Whatcheer,Crispinus?

Cris.O!Ishallcastupmyspurioussnotteries—

Hor.Good.Again.

Cris.Chilblairid0Oclumsie—

Hor.Thatclumsiestuckterribly.

Mec.What'sallthat,Horace?

Hor.Spurious,snotteries,chilblain'd,clumsie.

Tib.0Jupiter!

Gal.Whowouldhavethoughtthereshouldhavebeensuchadealoffilthinapoet?

Cris.O——balmyfroth—

Gees.What'sthat?

Cris.—Puffieinflateturgidousventosity.

Hor.Barmy,froth,puffie,inflate,turgidous,andventosityarecomeup.

Tib.Oterriblewindywords.

Gal.Asignofawindybrain.

Cris.0oblatrant-furibund-fatuatestrenuous—

Hor.Here'sadeal;oblatrant,furibund,fatuate,strenuous.

Gees.Nowall'scomeup,Itrow.Whatatumulthehadinhisbelly?

Hor.No,there'stheoftenconsciousdampbehindstill.

Cris.Oconsciousdamp.

Hor.Itiscomeup,thankstoApolloand^Esculapius:yetthere'sanother;youwerebesttakeapillmore.

Cris.0,no;O0O00!

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Hor.Forceyourselfthenalittlewithyourfinger.

Cris.00prorumped.

Tib.Prorumped!Whatanoiseitmade!asifhisspiritwouldhaveprorumptwithit.

Cris.000!

Virg.Helphim,itsticksstrangely,whateveritis.

Cris.0clutcht.

Hor.Nowitiscome;clutcht.

Cses.Clutcht!itiswellthat'scomeup;ithadbutanarrowpassage.

Cris.0—!

Virg.Again!holdhim,holdhisheadthere,

Cris.Snarlinggusts——quakingcustard.

Hor.Hownow,Crispinus?

Cris.0obstupefact.

Tib.Nay,thatareallwe,Iassureyou.

Hor.Howdoyoufeelyourself?

Cris.Prettyandwell,Ithankyou.

Virg.Thesepillscanbutrestorehimforatime,Notcurehimquiteofsuchamalady,Caughtbysomanysurfeits,whichhavefill'dHisbloodandbrainthusfullofcrudities:'TisRecessarythereforeheobserveAstrictandwholesomediet.LookyoutakeEachmorningofoldCato'sprinciplesAgooddraughtnextyourheart;thatwalkupon,Tillitbewelldigested:thencomehome,AndtasteapieceofTerence,suckhisphraseInsteadofliquorice;and,atanyhand,ShunPlautusandoldEnnius:theyaremeatsTooharshforaweakstomach.Usetoread(Butnotwithoutatutor)thebestGreeks,AsOrpheus,Musseus,Pindarus,Hesiod,Callimachus,andTheocrite,HighHomer;butbewareofLycophron,Heistoodarkanddangerousadish.Youmustnothuntforwildoutlandishterms,Tostuffoutapeculiardialect;Butletyourmatterrunbeforeyourwords.AndifatanytimeyouchancetomeetSomeGallo-Belgicphrase,youshallnotstraightRackyourpoorversetogiveitentertainment,Butletitpass;anddonotthinkyourselfMuchdamnified,ifyoudoleaveitout,Whennoryourunderstanding,northesenseCouldwellreceiveit.Thisfairabstinence,Intime,willrenderyoumoresoundandclear:AndthishaveIprescribedtoyou,inplaceOfastrictsentence;whichtillheperform,Attirehiminthatrobe.AndhenceforthlearnTobearyourselfmorehumbly;nottosuell,

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,98BenJensen'sPlays

Orbreatheyourinsolentandidlespite

Onhimwhoselaughtercanyourworstaffright.

Tib.Takehimaway.

Cris.JupiterguardCaesar!

Virg.Andforaweekortwoseehimlock'dupInsomedarkplace,removedfromcompany;Hewilltalkidlyelseafterhisphysic.Nowtoyou,sir.[toDemetrius.]TheextremityoflawAwardsyoutobebrandedinthefront,Forthisyourcalumny:butsinceitpleasethHorace,thepartywrong'd,t'intreatofCaesarAmitigationofthatjusterdoom,WithCaesar'stonguethuswepronounceyoursentence.DemetriusFannius,thoushalthereputonThatcoatandcap,andhenceforththinkthyselfNootherthantheymakethee;vowtowearthemIneveryfairandgenerousassembly,TillthebestsortofmindsshalltaketoknowledgeAswellthysatisfaction,asthywrongs.

Hor.Only,gravepraetor,here,inopencourt,IcravetheoathforgoodbehaviourMaybeadminister'duntothemboth.

Virg.Horace,itshall:Tibullus,giveitthem.

Tib.RufusLaberiusCrispinus,andDemetriusFannius,layyourhandsonyourhearts.Youshallheresolemnlyattestandswear,thatnever,afterthisinstant,eitheratbooksellers'stalls,intaverns,twopennyrooms,tyring-houses,noblemen'sbutteries,puisneschambers,(thebestandfarthestplaceswhereyouareadmittedtocome,)youshallonceofferordare(therebytoendearyourselfthemoretoanyplayer,enghle,orguiltygullinyourcompany)tomalign,traduce,ordetractthepersonorwritingsofQuintusHoratiusFlaccus,oranyothereminentmen,transcendingyouinmerit,whomyourenvyshall-findcausetoworkupon,eitherforthat,orforkeepinghimselfinbetteracquaintance,orenjoyingbetterfriends;orif,transportedbyanysuddenanddesperateresolution,youdo,thatthenyoushallnotunderthebatoon,orinthenextpresence,beinganhonourableassemblyofhisfavourers,bebroughtasvoluntarygentlementoundertaketheforswearingofit.Neithershallyou,atanytime,ambitiouslyaffectingthetitleoftheUntrussersorWhippersoftheage,suffertheitchofwritingtoover-runyourperformanceinlibel,uponpainofbeingtakenupforlepersinwit,and,losingbothyourtimea*ndyourpapers,beirrecoverablyforfeitedtothehospitaloffools.SohelpyouourRomangodsandtheGeniusofgreatCcesar.

Virg.So!nowdissolvethecourt.

Hor.Tib.Gal.Mec.AndthankstoCaesar,Thatthushathexercisedhispatience.

Cces.Wehave,indeed,youworthiestfriendsofCaesar.Itisthebaneandtormentofourears,Tohearthediscordsofthosejanglingrhymers,

ThatwiththeirbadandscandalouspracticesBringalltrueartsandlearningincontempt.But

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letnotyourhighthoughtsdescendsolowAsthesedespisedobjects;letthemfall,Withtheirflatgrovellingsouls:beyouyourselves;Andaswithourbestfavoursyoustandcrown'd,Soletyourmutuallovesbestillrenown'd.Envywilldwellwherethereiswantofmerit,Thoughthedeservingmanshouldcrackhisspirit.

Blush,folly,blush;here'snonethatfears

Thewaggingofanass'sears,

Althoughawolfishcasehewears.

Detractionisbutbaseness'varlet;

Andapesareapes,thoughclothedinscarlet.[Exeunt.

Rumpatur,quisquisrumpiturinvidiS.

"Here,reader,inplaceoftheepilogue,wasmeanttotheeanapologyfromtheauthor,withhisreasonsforthepublishingofthisbook:but,sinceheisnolessrestrained,thanthoudeprivedofitbyauthority,hepraystheetothinkcharitablyofwhatthouhastread,tillthoumayesthearhimspeakwhathehathwritten."

HORACEANDTREBATIUS.ADIALOGUE.

Sat.1.Lib.2.

Hor.TherearetowhomIseemexcessivesour,Andpastasatire'slawt'extendmypower:Others,thatthinkwhateverIhavewritWantspithandmattertoeterniseit;Andthattheycould,inoneday'slight,discloseAthousandverses,suchasIcompose.WhatshallIdo,Trebatius?say.

Treb.Surcease.

Hor.Andshallmymuseadmitnomoreincrease?

Treb.SoIadvise.

Hor.Anilldeathletmedie,If'twerenotbest;butsleepavoidsmineeye,AndIusethese,lestnightsshouldtediousserin.

Treb.Rather,contendtosleep,andlivelikethem,That,holdinggoldensleepinspecialprice,Rubb'dwithsweetoils,swimsilverTyberthrice,Andeveryevenwithneatwinesteepedbe:Or,ifsuchloveofwritingravishthee,Thendaretosingunconquer'dC;esar'sdeeds;Whocheerssuchactionswithabundantmeeds.

Hor.That,father,1desire;but,whenItry,

Ifeeldefectsineveryfaculty:

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Noris'talabourfitforeverypen,

Topaintthehorridtroopsofarmedmen,

Thelancesburst,inGallia'sslaughter'dforces;

OrwoundedParthians,tumbledfromtheirhorses:

GreatCaesar'swarscannotbefoughtwithwords.

Treb.Yet,whathisvirtueinhispeaceaffords,HisfortitudeandjusticethoucanstshewAswiseLuciliushonour'dScipio.

Hor.Ofthat,mypowersshallsuffernoneglect,Whensuchslightlaboursmayaspirerespect:But,ifIwatchnotamostchosentime,ThehumblewordsofFlaccuscannotclimbTh'attentiveearofCaesar;normustIWithlessobservanceshungrossflattery:Forhe,reposedsafeinhisownmerit,Spurnsbacktheglosesofafawningspirit.

Treb.ButhowmuchbetterwouldsuchaccentssoundThanwithasadandseriousversetowoundPantolabus,railinginhissaucyjests,OrNomentanusspentinriotousfeasts?[nsatires,eachman,thoughuntouch'd,complainsAshewerehurt;andhatessuchbitingstrains.

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Hor.WhatshallIdo?MiloniusshakeshisheelsInceaselessdances,whenhisbrainoncefeelsThestirringfervourofthewineascend;Andthathiseyesfalsenumbersapprehend.Castorhishorse,Polluxloveshandy-fights;Athousandheads,athousandchoicedelights.Mypleasureisinfeetmywordstoclose,As,bothourbetter,oldLuciliusdoes:He,ashistrustyfriends,hisbooksdidtrustWithallhissecrets;nor,inthingsunjust,Oractionslawful,rantoothermen:Sothattheoldman'slifedescribed,wasseenAsinavotivetableinhislines:Andtohisstepsmygeniusinclines;Lucanian,orApulian,Iknownotwhether,FortheVenusiancolonyploughseither;Sentthither,whentheSabineswereforcedthence,AsoldFamesings,togivetheplacedefence'Gainstsuchas,seeingitempty,mightmakeroadUpontheempire;ortherefixabode:WhethertheApulianbordereritwere,OrtheLucanianviolencetheyfear.—Butthismystylenolivingmanshalltouch,IffirstIbenotforcedbybasereproach;ButlikeasheathedsworditshalldefendMyinnocentlife;forwhyshouldIcontend

Todrawitout,whennomaliciousthiefRobsmygoodname,thetreasureofinylife?

0Jupiter,letitwithrustbeeaten,Beforeittouch,orinsolentlythreatenThelifeofanywiththeleastdisease;

SomuchIlove,andwooageneralpeace.But,hethatwrongsme,better,Iproclaim,Heneverhadassay'dtotouchmyfame.Forheshallweep,andwalkwitheverytongueThroughoutthecity,infamouslysung.Serviusthepraetorthreatsthelaws,andurn,Ifanyathisdeedsrepineorspurn;ThewitchCanidia,thatAlbutiusgot,Denouncethwitchcraft,whereshelovethnot;Thuriusthejudge,doththunderworldsofill,Tosuchasstrivewithhisjudicialwill.Allmenaffrighttheirfoesinwhattheymay,Naturecommandsit,andmenmustobey.

Observewithme:Thewolfhistoothdothuse,Thebullhishorn;andwhodoththisinfuse,Butnature?There'sluxuriousScseva;trustHislong-livedmotherwithhim;hissojustAndscrupulousright-handnomischiefwill;Nomorethanwithhisheelawolfwillkill,Oroxwithjaw:marry,lethimaloneWithtemperdpoisontoremovethecroan.Butbriefly,iftoageIdestinedbe,Orthatquickdeath'sblackwingsenvironme;Ifrich,orpoor;atRome;orfatecommand

1shallbebanishedtosomeotherland;Whathuesoevermywholestateshallbear,Iwillwritesatiresstill,inspiteoffear.

Treb.Horace,Ifearthoudraw'stnolastingbreath;Andthatsomegreatman'sfriendwillbethydeath.

Hor.What!whenthemanthatfirstdidsatiriseDurstpulltheskinovertheearsofvice,Andmakewhostoodinoutwardfashionclear,Giveplace,asfoulwithin;shallIforbear?DidLselius,orthemansogreatwithfame,Thatfromsack'dCarthagefetch'dhisworthyname,StormthatLuciliusdidMetelluspierce,OrburyLupusquickinfamousverse?Rulersandsubjects,bywholetribeshecheckt,Butvirtueandherfriendsdidstillprotect:Andwhenfromsight,orfromthejudgment-seat,ThevirtuousScipioandwiseL;i-liusmet,Unbraced,withhiminalllightsportstheyshared,Tilltheirmostfrugalsupperswereprepared.WLate'erIam,thoughbothforwealthandwit

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BeneathLuciliusIampleasedtosit;YetEnvy,spiteofherempoison'dbreast,Shallsay,Ilivedingraceherewiththebest;Andseekinginweaktrashtomakeherwound,Shallfindmesolid,andherteethunsound:'Lesslearn'dTrebatius'censuredisagree.

Treb.No,Horace,Iofforcemustyieldtothee:Onlytakeheed,asbeingadvisedbyme,Lestthouincursomedanger:betterpause,Thanruethyignoranceofthesacredlaws;There'sjustice,andgreatactionmaybesued'Gainstsuchaswrongmen'sfameswithverseslewd.

Hor.Ay,withlewdverses,suchaslibelsbe,Andaim'datpersonsofgoodquality:Ireverenceandadorethatjustdecree.Butiftheyshallbesharp,yetmodestrhymes,Thatsparemen'spersons,andbuttaxtheircrimes,Suchshallinopencourtfindcurrentpass,WereCaesarjudge,andwiththemaker'sgrace.

Treb.Nay,I'lladdmore;ifthouthyself,beingclear,ShalltaxinpersonamanfittobearShameandreproach,hissuitshallquicklybeDissolvedinlaughter,andthouthencesetfree.

TOTHEREADER

If,bylookingonwhatispast,thouhastdeservedthatname,Iamwillingthoushouid'styetknowmore,bythatwhichfollows,anAPOLO-GETICALDIALOGUE;whichwasonlyoncespokenuponthestage,andalltheanswerIevergavetosundryimpotentlibelsthencastout(andsomeyetremaining)againstme,andthisplay.WhereinItakenopleasuretorevivethetimes;butthatposteritymaymakeadifferencebetweentheirmannersthatprovokedmethen,andminethatneglectedthemever,For,inthesestrifes,andonsuchpersons,wereaswretchedtoaffectavictory,asitisunhappytobecommittedwiththem.

Nonannorumcanitiesestlaudanda,sedmorum.

SCENE,TheAuthor'sLodgings.EnterNASUTUSandPOLYPOSUS.

Nas.Iprayyou,let'sgoseehim,howhelooksAftertheselibels.

Pol.0vex'd,vex'd,Iwarrantyou.

Nas.Doyouthinkso?Ishouldbesorryforhim,IfIfoundthat.

Pol.O,theyaresuchbitterthings,Hecannotchoose.

Nas.But,isheguiltyofthem?

Pol.Fuh!thafsnomatter.

Nas.NoI

Pol.No.Here'shislodging.

ThePoetaster

3°3

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We'llstealuponhim:orIcfslisten;stay.Hehasahumourofttotalkfhimself.

Xas.Theyareyourmannersleadme,notmineown.

[Theycomeforward;thesceneopens,anddiscoverstheAuthorinhisstudy.

Aut.Thefateshavenotspunhimthecoarsestthread,That(freefromknotsofperturbation)Dothyetsolive,althoughbuttohimself,Ashecansafelyscornthetonguesofslaves.Andneglectfortune,morethanshecanhim.Itistheliappiestthingthis,nottobeWithinthereachofmalice;itprovidesAmansowell,tolaughoffinjuries;Andneversendshimfartherforhisvengeance,Thanthevex'dbosomofhisenemy.I,now,butthinkhowpoortheirspitesetsoff,Who,afteralltheirwasteofsulphurousterms,Andburst-outthunderoftheirchargedmouthstHavenothingleftbuttheunsavourysmokeOftheirblackvomit,toupbraidthemselves:WhilstI,atwhomtheyshot,sithereshot-free,Andasunhurtofenvy,asunhit.

[Pol.andNas.discoverthemselves.

Pol.Ay,butthemultitudetheythinknotso,sir;Theythinkyouhit,andhurt:anddaregiveout,YoursilencearguesitinnotrejoiningTothisorthatlatelibel.

Aut.'Las,goodrout!Icanaffordthemleavetoerrsostill;AndlikethebarkingstudentsofBears-college,ToswallowupthegarbageofthetimeWithgreedygullets,whilstmyselfsitby,Pleased,andyettortured,withtheirbeastlyfeeding.'Tisasweetmadnessrunsalongwiththem,Tothink,allthatareaim'datstillarestruck:Then,wheretheshaftstilllights,makethatthemark:Andsoeachfearorfever-shakenfoolMaychallengeTeucer'shandinarchery.Goodtroth,ifIknewanymansovile,ToactthecrimestheseWhippersreprehend,Orwhattheirservileapesgesticulate,Ishouldnotthenmuchmusetheirshredswereliked;Sinceillmenhavealustfhearothers'sins,Allgoodmenhaveazealtohearsinshamed.Butwhenitisallexcrementtheyvent,Basefilthandoffal;ort/irf/*,notableAsocean-piracies,orhighway-stands;Andnotacrimetheretax'd,butistheiroim,Orwhattheirownfoulthoughtssuggestedtothem;

Andthat,inalltheirheatoftaxingothers,

Notoneofthembutliveshimself,ifknown,

Improbiorsatiramscribentecinaedo,

WhatshouldIsaymore,thanturnstonewithwonder!

Nas./neversawthisplaybredallthistumult:Whatwasthereinitcouldsodeeplyoffend,Andstirsomanyhornets?

Aut.SJiallItellyou?

Nas.Yes,andingenuously.

Aut.Then,bythehopeWhichIpreferuntoallotherobjects,Icanprofess,IneverwritthatpieceMoreinnocentoremptyofoffence.Somesaltithad,butneithertoothnorgall,Norwas

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thereinitanycircumstanceWhich,inthesettingdown,IcouldsuspectMightbepervertedbyanenemy'stongue;OnlyithadthefaulttobecaWdmine;Thatwasthecrime.

Pol.No!why,theysayyoutax'dThelawandlawyers,captainsandtheplayers,Bytheirparticularnames.

Aut.Itisnotso.

Iusednoname.MybookshavestillbeentaughtTosparethepersons,andtospeakthevices.Thesearemereslanders,andenforcedbysuchAshavenosaferwaystomen'sdisgraces.Buttheirownliesandlossofhonesty:Fellowsofpractisedandmostlaxativetongues,Whoseemptyandeagerbellies,intheyear,Compeltheirbrainstomanydesperateshifts,(Isparetonamethem,fortheirwretchednessFuryitselfwouldpardon).These,orsuch,Whetherofmalice,orofignorance,Oritchfhavemetheiradversary,Iknownot,Orallthesemixt;butsureIam,threeyearsTheydidprovokemewiththeirpetulantstylesOneverystage:andIatlastunwilling,Butweary,Iconfess,ofsomuchtrouble,TJioughtIwouldtryifshamecouldwinupon'em;AndthereforechoseAugustusCcesar'stimes,WhenwitandartswereattheirheightinRome,ToshewthatVirgil,Horace,andtherestOfthosegreatmaster-spirits,didnotwantDetractorsthen,orpracticersagainstthem:Andbythisline,althoughnoparallel,Ihopedatlasttheywouldsitdownandblush;ButnothingIcouldfindmorecontrary.Andthoughtheimpudenceoffliesbegreat,

Yetthishathsoprovokedtheangrywasps,Or,asyousaid,ofthenextnest,thehornets,Thattheyflybuzzing,mad,aboutmynostrils,And,likesomanyscreaminggrasshoppersHeldbythewings,filleveryearwithnoise.Andwliat?thoseformercalumniesyoumentioned.First,ofthelaw:indeedIbroughtinOvidChidbyhisangryfatherforneglectingTJiestudyoftheirlawsforpoetry:AndIamwarrantedbyhisownwords:

Saepepaterdixifc,studiumquidinutiletentas?Mseonidesnullasipsereliquitopes.

Andinfarharshertermselsewhere,asthese:

Nonmeverbosaslegesediscere,nonineIngratovocesprostituisseforo.

Buthowthisshouldrelateuntoourlaws,Orthejustministers,withleastabuse,Ireverencebothtoomuchtounderstand!

Then,forthecaptain,IwillonlyspeakAnepigramIhereJiavemade:itisUNTOTRUESOLDIERS.That'sthelemma:markit.Strengthofmycountry,whilstIbringtoviewSuchasaremis-call'dcaptains,andwrongyou,Andyourhighnames;Idodesire,thatthence,Benorputonyou,noryoutakeoffence:Iswearbyyourtruefriend,mymuse,IloveYourgreatprofessionwhichIoncedidprove;Anddidnotshameitwithmyactionsthen,XomorethanIdarenowdowithmypen.Hethatnottrustsme,havingvow'dthusmuch,But'sangryforthecaptain,still:issuch.

Nowfortheplayers,itistrue,Itax'dthem,Andyetbutsome;andthosesosparingly,Asalltherestmighthavesatstillunquestioned,HadtheybuthadthewitorconscienceTothinkwellofthemselves.Butimpotent,theyThoughteachman'svicebelongedtotheirwhole

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tribe;Andmuchgooddo'tthem!Whattheyhavedone'gainstme,Iamnotmovedwith:ifitgavethemmeat,Orgotthemclothes,'tiswell;thatwastheirend.Onlyamongstthem,IamsorryforSomebetternatures,bytherestsodrawn,Toruninthatvileline.

Pol.Andisthisall!Willyounotanswerthenthelibels?

Aut.No.

Pol.NortheUntrussers?

Aut.Neither.

Pol.Y'areundonethen.

Aut.Withwhom?

Pol.Theworld.

Aut.Thebawdf

Pol.ItwillbetakenTobestupidityortamenessinyou.

Aut.Buttheythathaveincensedme,caninsoulAcquitmeofthatguilt.TheyknowIdareTospurnorbafflethem,orsquirttheireyesWithinkorurine;orIcoulddoworse,Arm'dwithArchilochus*fury,writeIambics,Shouldmakethedesperatelashershangthemselves;Ehimethemtodeath,astheydoIrishratsIndrummingtunes.Or,living,IcouldstampTheirforeheadswiththosedeepandpublicbrands,Thatthewholecompanyofbarber-surgeonsShouldnottakeoffwithalltheirartandplasters.Andthesemyprintsshouldlast,stilltobereadIntheirpalefronts;when,whattheywrite'gainstmeShall,likeafiguredrawninwater,fleet,AndthepoorwretchedpapersbeemployedToclothetobacco,orsomecheaperdrug:ThisIcoulddo,andmaketheminfamous.But,towhatend?whentheirowndeedshavemarked'em;AndthatIknow,withinhisguiltybreastEachslandererbearsawhipthatshalltormenthimWorsethanamillionofthesetemporalplagues:Whichtopursue,werebutafemininehumourtAndfarbeneaththedignityofman.

Nas.'Tistrue;fortorevengetheirinjuries,Weretoconfessyoufeltthem.Letthemgo,Andusethetreasureofthefool,theirtongues,Whomakeshisgain,byspeakingworstofbest.

Pol.0,buttheylayparticularimputations—

Aut.Aswhat?

Pol.Thatallyourwritingismererailing.

Aut.Ha?

IfallthesaltintheoldcomedyShouldbesocensured,orthesharperwitOftheboldsatiretermedscoldingrage,Whatagecouldthencomparewithtlwseforbuffoons?WhatshouldbesaidofAristophanes,Persius,orJuvenal,whosenameswenowSoglorifyinschools,atleast

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pretendit.?—Havetheynoother?

Pol.Yes;theysayyouareslow,Andscarcebringforthaplayayear.

Aut.'Tistrue.

IwouldtheycouldnotsaythatIdidthat/

There'sallthejoythatItakeintheirtrade,

Unlesssuchscribesasthesemightbeproscribed

Th'abusedtheatres.Theywouldthinkitstrange,now,

Amanshouldtakebutcolts-footforoneday,

And,betweenwhiles,spitoutabetterpoem

Thane'erthemasterofart,orgiverofwit,

Theirbelly,made.Yet,thisispossible,

Ifafreemindhadbutthepatience,

Tothinksomuchtogetherandsovile.

Butthatthesebaseandbeggarlyconceits

Shouldcarryit,bythemultitudeofvoices,

Againstthemostabstractedwork,opposed

Tothestuff'dnostrilsofthedrunkenrout!

0,thiswouldmakealearn'dandliberalsoul

Torivehisstainedquilluptotheback,

Anddamnhislong-watch'dlabourstothefire;

Thingsthatwerebornwhennonebutthestillnight

Andhisdumbcandle,sawhispinchingthroes;

Werenothisownfreemeritamorecrown

Untohistravailsthantheirreelingclaps.

This'tisthatstrikesmesilent,sealsmylips,

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Andaptsmerathertosleepoutmytime,

ThanIwouldwasteitincontemnedstrifes

WiththesevileIbides,theseuncleanbirds,

Thatmaketheirmouthstheirclysters,andstillpurge

Fromtheirhotentrails.ButIleavethemonsters

Totheirownfate.And,sincetheComicMuse

Hathprovedsoominoustome,Iwilltry

IfTRAGEDYhaveamorekindaspect;

HerfavoursinmynextIwillpursue,

Where,ifIprovethepleasurebutofone,

Sohejudiciousbe,heshallbealone

Atheatreuntome;OnceI'llsay

Tostriketheearoftimeinthosefreshstrains,

Asshall,besidethecunningoftheirground,Givecausetosomeofwonder,somedespite,

Andmoredespair,toimitatetheirsound./,thatspendhalfmynights,andallmydays,

Hereinacell,togetadarkpaleface,Tocomeforthworththeivyorthebays,

Andinthisagecanhopenoothergrace—Leaveme!There'ssomethingcomeintomythought,Tintmustandshallbesunghighandaloof,Safefromthewolfsblackjaw,andthedullr/.x-.y'*J>t»f.

Xas./referencetheseraptures,andobeythet/i.

[Thescenecloses.

SEJANUS:HISFALL

TOTHENOLESSNOBLEBYVIRTUETHANBLOOD

ESMELORDAUBIGNY

MYLORD,—Ifeveranyruinweresogreatastosurvive,IthinkthisbeoneIsendyou,TheFallofSejanus.Itisapoem,that,ifIwellremember,inyourlordship'ssight,sufferednolessviolencefromourpeoplehere,thanthesubjectofitdidfromtherageofthepeopleofRome;butwithadifferentfate,as,Ihope,merit:forthishathoutlivedtheirmalice,andbegotitself

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agreaterfavourthanhelost,theloveofgoodmen.Amongstwhom,ifImakeyourlordshipthefirstitthanks,itisnotwithoutajustconfessionofthebondyourbenefitshave,andevershallholduponme,Yourlordship'smostfaithfulhonourer.BENJONSON.

TOTHEREADERS

THEfollowingandvoluntarylaboursofmyfriends,prefixedtomybook,haverelievedmeinmuchwhereat,withoutthem,Ishouldnecessarilyhavetouched.NowIwillonlvusethreeorfourshortandneedfulnotes,andsorest.

First,ifitbeobjected,thatwhatIpublishisnotruepoem,inthestrictlawsoftime,Iconfessit:asalsointhewantofaproperchorus;whosehabitandmoodsaresuchandsodifficult,asnotany,whomIhaveseen,sincetheancients,no,nottheywhohavemostpresentlyaffectedlaws,haveyetcomeinthewayof.Norisitneedful,oralmostpossibleintheseourtimes,andtosuchauditorsascommonlythingsarepresented,toobservetheoldstateandsplendourofdramaticpoems,withpreservationofanypopulardelight.ButofthisIshalltakemoreseasonablecausetospeak,inmyobservationsuponHoracehisArtofPoetry,which,withthetexttranslated,Iintendshortlytopublish.Inthemeantime,ifintruthofargument,dignityofpersons,gravityandheightofelocution,fulnessandfrequencyofsentence,Ihavedischargedtheotherofficesofatragicwriter,letnottheabsenceoftheseformsbeimputedtome,whereinIshallgiveyouoccasionhereafter,andwithoutmyboast,tothinkIcouldbetterprescribe,thanomitthedueuseforwantofaconvenientknowledge.

Thenextis,lestinsomenicenostrilthequotationsmightsavouraffected,Idoletyouknow,thatIabhornothingmore;andIhaveonlydoneittoshewmyintegrityinthestory,andsavemyselfinthosecommontorturersthatbringallwittotherack;whosenosesareeverlikeswine,spoilingandrootinguptheMuses'gardens;andtheirwholebodieslikemoles,asblindlyworkingunderearth,tocastany,theleast,hillsuponvirtue.

WhereastheyareinLatin,andtheworkinEnglish,itwaspresupposednonebutthelearnedwouldtakethepainstoconferthem:theauthorsthemselvesbeingallinthelearnedtongues,saveone,withwhoseEnglishsideIhavehadlittletodo.Towhichitmayberequired,sinceIhavequotedthepage,tonamewhateditionsIfollowed:Tacit.Lips,inquarto,Antwerp,edit.1600;Dio.folio,Hen.Steph.1592.Fortherest,asSueton.,Seneca,etc.,thechapterdothsufficientlydkect,ortheeditionisnotvaried.

Lastly,Iwouldinformyou,thatthisbook,inallnumbers,isnotthesamewiththatwhichwasactedonthepublicstage;whereinasecondpenhadgoodshare:inplaceofwhich,Ihaveratherchosentoputweaker,and,nodoubt,lesspleasing,ofmineown,thantodefraudsohappyageniusofhisrightbymyloathedusurpation.

Fareyouwell,andifyoureadfartherofme,andlike,Ishallnotbeafraidofit,thoughyoupraisemeout.

Nequeenimmihicorneafibraest.

ButthatIshouldplantmyfelicityinyourgeneralsaying,good,orwelletc.,wereaweaknesswhichthebettersortofyoumightworthilycontemn,ifnotabsolutelyhatemefor.BEN

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JONSON;

andnosuch,QuernPalmanegatamacrum,donatareducitopimuni.

THEARGUMENT

.^ELIUSSEJANUS,sontoSeiusStrabo,agentlemanofRome,andbornatVulsinium;afterhislongserviceincourt,firstunderAugustus;afterward,Tiberius;grewintothatfavourwiththelatter,andwonhimbythosearts,astherewantednothingbutthenametomakehimaco-partneroftheempire.Whichgreatnessofhis,Drusus,theemperor'sson,notbrooking;aftermanysmothereddislikes,itonedaybreakingout,theprincestruckhimpubliclyontheface.Torevengewhichdisgrace,Livia,thewifeofDrusus(beingbeforecorruptedbyhimtoherdishonour,andthediscoveryofherhusband'scounsels)Sejanuspractisethwith,togetherwithherphysiciancalledEudemus,andoneLygdusaneunuch,topoisonDrusus.Thistheirinhumanacthavingsuccessfulandunsuspectedpassage,itemboldenethSejanustofurtherandmoreinsolentprojects,eventheambitionoftheempire;wherefindingtheletshemustencountertobemanyandhard,inrespectoftheissueofGermanicus,whowerenextinhopeforthesuccession,hedevisethtomakeTiberius'selfhismeans,andinstilsintohisearsmanydoubtsandsuspicions,bothagainsttheprinces,andtheirmotherAgrippina;whichCaesarjealouslyhearkeningto,ascovetouslyconsentethtotheirruin,andtheirfriends.Inthistime,thebettertomatureandstrengthenhisdesign,SejanuslabourstomarryLivia,andworkethwithallhisingine,toremoveTiberiusfromtheknowledgeofpublicbusiness,withallurementsofaquietandretiredhie;thelatterofwhich,Tiberius,outofapronenesstolust,andadesiretohidethoseunnaturalpleasureswhichhecouldnotsopubliclypractise,embraceth:theformerenkindlethhisfears,andtheregiveshimfirstcauseofdoubtorsuspecttowardsSejanus:againstwhomheraisethinprivateanewinstrument,oneSertoriusMacro,andbyhimunderworketh,discoverstheother'scounsels,hismeans,hisends,soundstheaffectionsofthesenators,divides,distractsthem:atlast,whenSejanusleastlooketh,andismostsecure;withpretextofdoinghimanunwontedhonourinthesenate,hetrainshimfromhisguards,andwithalongdoubtfulletter,inonedayhathhimsuspected,accused,condemned,andtorninpiecesbytherageofthepeople.

BenJonson'sPlays

DRAMATISPERSONS

TIBERIUS.

DRUSUSSENIOR.

NKRO.

DRUSUSJUNIOR.

CALIGULA.

LuciusARRUNTIUS.

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CAIUSSILIUS.

TITIUSSABINUS.

MARCUSLEPIDUS.

CREMUTIUSCORDUS.

ASINIUSGALLUS.

REGULUS.

TERENTIUS.

GRACINUSLACO.

EUDEMUS.

RUFUS.SEJANUS.LATIARIS.VARRO.SERTORIUSMACRO.

COTTA.

DOMITIUSAFER.

HATERIUS.SANQUINIUS.POMPONIUS.JULIUSPOSTHUMUS.FULCINIUSTRIO.

MlNUTIUS.

SATRIUSSECUNDUS.PINNARIUSNATTA.OPSIUS.

Tribuni.

Prcecones.

Flamen.

Tubicines.

Nuntius.

Lictores.

Ministri.

Tibicines.

Servi,etc.

AGRIPPINA.LIVIA.

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SOSIA.

SCENE,—ROME

ACTI

SCENEI.—AStateRoominthePalace.EnterSABINUSandSILIUS,followedbyLATIARIS.

Sab.Hail,CamslSilius!

Sil.TitiusSabinus,2hail!You'rerarelymetincourt.

Sab.Therefore,wellmet.

Sil.'Tistrue:indeed,thisplaceisnotoursphere.

Sab.No,Silius,wearenogoodinginers.Wewanttheirfinearts,andtheirthrivinguseShouldmakeusgraced,orfavour'dofthetimes:Wehavenoshiftoffaces,noclefttongues,Nosoftandglutinousbodies,thatcanstick,Likesnailsonpaintedwalls;or,onourbreasts,Creepup,tofallfromthatproudheight,towhichWedidbyslavery,3notbyserviceclimb.Wearenoguiltymen,andthennogreat;Wehavenoplaceincourt,officeinstate,Thatwecansay,4weoweuntoourcrimes:

1DeCaioSilio,vid.Tacit.Lips.edit,quarto;Ann.Lib.i.p.n,Libii.p.28et33.

2DeTitioSabino,vid.Tacit.Lib.iv.p.79.

8Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.2.*Juv.Sat.i.v.75.

Weburnwithnoblacksecrets,1whichcanmakeUsdeartothepaleauthors;orlivefear'dOftheirstillwakingjealousies,toraiseOurselvesafortune,bysubvertingtheirs.Westandnotinthelines,thatdoadvanceTothatsocourtedpoint.

EnterSATRIUSandNATTA,atadistance.

Sil.ButyonderleanApairthatdo.

Sab.[salutesLatiaris.]GoodcousinLatiaris.—2

Sil.SatriusSecundus,3andPinnariusNatta,4ThegreatSejanus'clients:therebetwo,Knowmorethanhonestcounsels;whoseclosebreasts,Weretheyripp'duptolight,itwouldbefoundApoorandidlesin,towhichtheirtrunksHadnotbeenmadefitorgans.Thesecanlie,Flatter,andswear,forswear,deprave,5inform,Smile,andbetray;makeguiltymen;thenbegTheforfeitlives,togettheirlivings;cutMen'sthroatswithwhisperings;selltogapingsuitorsTheemptysmoke,thatfliesaboutthepalace;Laughwhentheirpatronlaughs;sweatwhenhesweats;Behotandcoldwithhim;changeeverymood,Habit,andgarb,asoftenashevaries;Observehim,ashiswatchobserveshisclock;And,true,asturquoiseinthedearlord'sring,Lookwellorillwithhim:6readytopraiseHislordship,ifhespit,orbutp—fair,Haveanindifferentstool,orbreakwindwell;Nothingcan'scapetheircatch.

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Sab.Alas!thesethingsDeservenonote,conferr'dwithothervileAndfilthierflatteries,7thatcorruptthetimes;When,notaloneourgentrieschiefarefainTomaketheirsafetyfromsuchsordidacts;Butallourconsuls,8andnolittlepartOfsuchashavebeenpraetors,yea,themostOf.senators,9thatelsenotusetheirvoices,StartupinpublicsenateandtherestriveWhoshallpropoundmostabjectthings,andbase.

1Juv.Sat.iii.v.49,etc.

3DeLatiari,cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.94,etDion.Step.edit.fol.Lib.Iviii.p.711.

3DeSatrioSecundo,et

4PinnarioNatta,leg.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.83.EtdeSatriocons.Senec.Consol.adMarciam.

6Vid.Sen.deBenef.Lib.iii.cap.26.

•Juv.Sat.iii.ver.105,ftc.7Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.1.p.3.

•Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.69.*Pedarii.

Somuch,asoftTiberiushathbeenheard,Leavingthecourt,tocry,1Oraceofmen,Preparedforservitude!—whichshew'dthathe,Wholeastthepubliclibertycouldlike,Aslothlybrook'dtheirflatservility.

Sil,Well,allisworthyofus,wereitmore,Whowithourriots,pride,andcivilhate,Havesoprovok'dthejusticeofthegods:We,that,withinthesefourscoreyears,wereboraFree,equallordsofthetriumphedworld,Andknewnomasters,butaffections;Towhichbetrayingfirstourliberties,Wesincebecametheslavestooneman'slusts;Andnowtomany:2everyminist'ringspyThatwillaccuseandswear,islordofyou,Ofme,ofallourfortunesandourlives.Ourlooksarecall'dtoquestion,3andourwords,Howinnocentsoever,aremadecrimes;Weshallnotshortlydaretotellourdreams,Orthink,but'twillbetreason.

Sab.Tyrants'arts

Aretogiveflatterersgrace;accusers,power;Thatthosemayseemtokillwhomtheydevour.

EnterCORDUSandABBUNTIUS.

Now,goodCremutiusCordus.4

Cor.[salutesSabinus]Hailtoyourlordship!

Nat.[whispersLatiaris.]Who'sthatsalutesyourcousin?

Lat.'TisoneCordus,AgentlemanofRome:onethathaswritAnnalsoflate,theysay,andverywell.

Nat.Annals!ofwhattimes?

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Lat.IthinkofPompey's,5AndCaiusCaesar's;andsodowntothese.

Nat.Howstandsheaffectedtothepresentstate?IsheorDrusian,6orGermanican,Orours,orneutral?

Lat.Iknowhimnotsofar.

Nat.Thosetimesaresomewhatqueasytobetouch'd.Haveyouorseen,orheardpartofhiswork?

Lat.NotI;hemeanstheyshallbepublicshortly.

1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.69.

zLegeTacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.24.deRomano,Hispano,etcaeteris,ibid,etLib.iii.Ann.p.61et62.Juv.Sat.x.v.87.Suet.Tib.cap.61.

3Vid.Tacit.Ann.i.p.4,etLib.iii.p.62.Suet.Tib.cap.61.Senec.deBenef.Lib.iii.cap.26.

4DeCrem.Cordo,vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.83,84.Senec.Cons,adMarciam.Dio.Lib.Ivii.p.710.Suet.Aug.c.35.Tib.c.61.Cal.c.16.

6Suet.Aug.cap.35.

*_Vid.defaction.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.39.etLib.iv.p.79.

Nat.O,Cordusdoyoucallhim?

Lat.Ay.[ExeuntNattaandSatrius.

Sab.ButtheseourtimesArenotthesame,Arruntius.1

Arr.Times!themen,

Themenarenotthesame:'tiswearebase,Poor,anddegeneratefromtheexaltedstrainOfourgreatfathers.WhereisnowthesoulOfgod-likeCato?he,thatdurstbegood,WhenCsesardurstbeevil;andhadpower,Asnottolivehisslave,todiehismaster?Orwhere'stheconstantBrutus,thatbeingproofAgainstallcharmofbenefits,didstrikeSobraveablowintothemonster'sheartThatsoughtunkindlytocaptivehiscountry?0,theyarefledthelight!ThosemightyspiritsLierakedupwiththeirashesintheirurns,AndnotasparkoftheireternalfireGlowsinapresentbosom.All'sbutblaze,Flashesandsmoke,wherewithwelabourso,There'snothingRomaninus;nothinggood,Gallant,orgreat:'tistruethatCordussays,'BraveCassiuswasthelastofallthatrace."

DRUSUSpassesoverthestage,attendedbyHATERITJS,etc.

Sab.Standby!lordDrusus.2

Hat.Theemperor'sson!giveplace.

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Sil.Iliketheprincewell.

Arr.Ariotousyouth;3There'slittlehopeofhim.

Sab.Thatfaulthisage

Will,asitgrows,correct.MethinkshebearsHimselfeachdaymorenoblythanother;Andwinsnolessonmen'saffections,Thandothhisfatherlose.Believeme,Ilovehim;AndchieflyforopposingtoSejanus.4

Sil.AndI,forgracinghisyoungkinsmenso,5Thesons6ofprinceGermanicus:7itshewsAgallantclearnessinhim,astraightmind,Thatenviesnot,inthem,theirfather'sname.

1DeLu.Arrun.istovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.6.etLib.iii.p.60.etDion.Rom.Hist.Lib.58.

2LegedeDrusoTacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.9.Suet.Tib.c.52.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.699.

3Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.62.

4Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74.'Ann.Lib.iv.p.75.7ft.

•Nero,Drusus,Caius,quiincastrisgcnitus,etC'.ili^ul.inominatus.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.

7DeGcnnanicoCons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.14.etDion.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.694.

Arr.Hisnamewas,whilehelived,aboveallenvy;And,beingdead,withoutit.0,thatman!Iftherewereseedsoftheoldvirtueleft,Theylivedinhim.

Sil.Hehadthefruits,Arruntius,Morethantheseeds:*Sabinus,andmyselfHadmeanstoknowhimwithin;andcanreporthim.Wewerehisfollowers,hewouldcallusfriends;Hewasamanmostliketovirtue;inall,Andeveryaction,nearertothegods,Thanmen,innature;ofabodyasfairAswashismind;andnolessreverendInface,thanfame:2hecouldsousehisstate,Temperinghisgreatnesswithhisgravity,Asitavoidedallself-loveinhim,Andspiteinothers.Whathisfuneralslack'dInimagesandpomp,theyhadsuppliedWithhonourablesorrow,soldiers'sadness,Akindofsilentmourning,such,asmen,Whoknownotears,butfromtheircaptives,usaToshewinsogreatlosses.

Cor.Ithoughtonce,

Consideringtheirforms,age,mannerofdeaths,Thenearnessoftheplaceswheretheyfell,Tohaveparallel'dhimwithgreatAlexander:Forbothwereofbestfeature,ofhighrace,Year'dbuttothirty,and,inforeignlands,Bytheirownpeoplealikemadeaway.

Sab.Iknownot,forhisdeath,howyoumightwrestit:But,forhislife,itdidasmuchdisdainComparison,withthatvoluptuous,rash,Giddy,anddrunkenMacedon's,asmineDothwithmybondman's.Allthegoodinhim,Hisvalourandhisfortune,hemadehis;ButhehadothertouchesoflateRomans,Thatmoredidspeakhim:3Pompey'sdignity,TheinnocenceofCato,Caesar'sspirit,WiseBrutus'temperance;andeveryvirtue,Which,parteduntoothers,gavethemname,Flow'dmix'dinhim.Hewasthesoulofgoodness;Andallourpraisesofhimare

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likestreamsDrawnfromaspring,thatstillrisefull,andleaveThepartremaininggreatest.

Arr.Iamsure

1Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.

8Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.47,etDion.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.705.8Vid.apudVeil.Paterc.Lips.4to.p.35-47,istorumhominumchar-acteres.

Hewastoogreatforus,1andthattheyknewWhodidremovehimhence.Sab.WhenmengrowfastHonour'dandloved,thereisatrickinstate,Whichjealousprincesneverfailtouse,Howtodeclinethatgrowth,withfairpretext,Andhonourablecoloursofemployment,Eitherbyembassy,thewar,orsuch,Toshiftthemforthintoanotherair,Wheretheymaypurgeandlessen;sowashe:2Andhadhissecondsthere,sentbyTiberius,Andhismoresubtiledam,todiscontenthim;Tobreedandcherishmutinies;detractHisgreatestactions;giveaudaciouscheckTohiscommands;andworktoputhimoutInopenactoftreason.AllwhichsnaresWhenhiswisecaresprevented,3afinepoisonWasthoughton,tomaturetheirpractices.

EnterSEJANUStalkingtoTERENTITTS,followedbySATRIUS,

NATTA,etc.

Cor.HerecomesSejanus.4

Sil.Nowobservethestoops,Thebendings,andthefalls.

Arr.Mostcreepingbase!

Sej.[toNatta.]Inotethemwell:nomore.Sayyou?

Sat.Mylord,

ThereisagentlemanofRomewouldbuy—

Sej.Howcallyouhimyoutalk'dwith?

Sat.Pleaseyourlordship,ItisEudemus,5thephysicianToLivia,Drusus'wife.

Sej.Onwithyoursuit.Wouldbuy,yousaid—

Sat.Atribune'splace,mylord.

Sej.Whatwillhegive?

Sat.Fiftysestertia.6

SejLivia'sphysician,sayyou,isthatfellow?

Sat.Itis,mylord:Yourlordship'sanswer.

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1Vid.Tacit.Lib.ii.Ann.p.28etp.34.DioRom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.

P-705.

2Con.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.39.deoccultismandatisPisoni,etposteap.42,43,48.Orat.D.Celeris.EstTibiAugusta?conscientia,estCaesarisfavor,sedinocculto,etc.Leg.Suet.Tib.c.52.Dio.p.706.

1Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.46,47.Lib.iii.p.54.etSuet.Cal.c.iet2.

*DeSejanovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.1.p.9.Lib.iv.princip.etpertot.Suet.Tib.Dio.Lib.Ivii.Iviii.etPlin.etSenec.

*DeEudemoistovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.y\.

*Monetaenostrae375lib.vid.Budaeumdeasse,Lib.ii.p.64.

Sej.Towhat?

Sat.Theplace,mylord.'TisforagentlemanYourlordshipwillwelllikeof,whenyouseehim;Andone,thatyoumaymakeyours,bythegrant.

Sej.Well,lethimbringhismoney,andhisname.

Sat.'Thankyourlordship.Heshall,mylord.

Sej.Comehither.KnowyouthissameEudemus?ishelearn'd?

Sat.Reputedso,mylord,andofdeeppractice.

Sej.Bringhimin,tome,hithegallery;Andtakeyoucausetoleaveustheretogether:Iwouldconferwithhim,aboutagrief—On.[ExeuntSejanus,Satrius,Terentius,etc.

Arr.So!yetanother?yet?OdesperatestateOfgrovellinghonour!seestthouthis,Osun,Anddoweseetheeafter?Methinks,dayShouldlosehislight,whenmendolosetheirshames.Andfortheemptycircumstanceoflife,Betraytheircauseofliving.

Sil.Nothingso.1

Sejanuscanrepair,ifJoveshouldruin.Heisnowthecourtgod;andwellappliedWithsacrificeofknees,ofcrooks,andcringes;HewilldomorethanallthehouseofheavenCan,forathousandhecatombs.'TisheMakesusourday,ornight;hell,andelysiumAreinhislook:wetalkofRhadamanth,Furies,andfirebrands;butitishisfrownThatisallthese;where,ontheadversepart,Hissmileismore,thane'eryetpoetsfeign'dOfbliss,andshades,nectar—

Ary.Aservingboy!

Iknewhim,atCams'trencher,2whenforhireHeprostitutedhisabusedbodyTothatgreat

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gormond,fatApicius;Andwasthenotedpathicofthetime.

Sab.And,now,3thesecondfaceofthewholeworld!Thepartneroftheempire,hathhisimageRear'dequalwithTiberius,borninensigns;Commands,disposeseverydignity,Centurions,tribunes,headsofprovinces,Praetorsandconsuls;allthatheretoforeRome'sgeneralsuffragegave,isnowhissale.Thegain,orratherspoilofalltheearth,

1Deingenio,moribus,etpotentiaSejani,leg.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74.DioRom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.708.

2CaiusdiviAugustinepos.Cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74,etDio.Lib.Ivii.p.706

3Juv.Sat.x.v.63,etc.Tacit,ibid.Dion.ibid,etsicpassim.

One,andhishouse,receives.

Sil.Hehathoflate

Madehimastrengthtoo,strangely,byreducingAllthepraetorianbandsintoonecamp,Whichhecommands:pretendingthatthesoldiers,Bylivinglooseandscatter'd,felltoriot;AndthatifanysuddenenterpriseShouldbeattempted,theirunitedstrengthWouldbefarmorethansever'd;andtheirlifoMorestrict,iffromthecitymoreremoved.

Sab.Where,now,hebuildswhatkindoffortsheplease,Isheardtocourtthesoldierbyhisname,Woos,feaststhechiefestmenofaction,Whosewants,notloves,compelthemtobehis.Andthoughhene'erwereliberalbykind,Yettohisowndarkends,he'smostprofuse,Lavish,andlettingfly,hecaresnotwhatTohisambition.

Arr.Yet,hathheambition?Istherethatstepinstatecanmakehimhigher,Ormore,oranythingheis,butless?

Sil.Nothingbutemperor.

Arr.ThenameTiberius,Ihope,willkeep,howe'erhehathforegoneThedignityandpower.

Sil.Sure,whilehelives.

Arr.Anddead,itcomestoDrusus.Shouldhefail,TothebraveissueofGermanicus;Andtheyarethree:ltoomany—ha?forhimTohaveaplotupon!

Sab.Idonotknow

Theheartofhisdesigns;but,sure,theirfaceLooksfartherthanthepresent.

Arr.Bythegods,

IfIcouldguesshehadbutsuchathought,Myswordshouldcleavehimdownfromheadtoheart,ButIwouldfinditout:andwithmyhandI'dhurlhispantingbrainabouttheairInmites,assmallasatomi,toundoTheknottedbed-

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Sab.Youareobserv'd,Arruntins.

Arr.[turnstoNatta,Terentius,etc.]Death!Idaretellhim

so;andallhisspies:You,sir,Iwould,doyoulook?andyou.

Sab.Forbear.

1Xero,Drusus,etCaligula.—Tacit.il.il.

SCENEII.

(TheformerScenecontinued.)

AGallerydiscoveredopeningintotheStateRoom.

EnterSATRIUSwithEUDEMUS.

Sat.Herehewillinstantbe:let'swalkaturn;You'reinamuse,Eudemus.

Eud.NotI,sir.

Iwonderheshouldmarkmeoutso!well,JoveandApolloformitforthebest.[Aside.

Sat.Yourlfortune'smadeuntoyounow,Eudemus,Ifyoucanbutlayholduponthemeans;Dobutobservehishumour,and—believeit—HeisthenoblestRoman,wherehetakes—

EnterSEJANUS.

Herecomeshislordship.

Sej.Now,goodSatrius.

Sat.Thisisthegentleman,mylord.

Sej.Isthis?

Givemeyourhand—wemustbemoreacquainted.Report,sir,hathspokeoutyourartandlearning:AndIamgladIhavesoneedfulcause,Howeverinitselfpainfulandhard,Tomakemeknowntosogreatvirtue.—Look,Whoisthat,Satrius?[ExitSat]—Ihaveagrief,sir,Thatwilldesireyourhelp.Yourname'sEudemus?

Eud.Yes.

Sej.Sir?

Eud.Itis,mylord.

Sej.IhearyouarePhysiciantoLivia,2theprincess.

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Eud.Iministeruntoher,mygoodlord.

Sej.Youministertoaroyallady,then.

Eud.Sheis,my,lord,andfair.

Sej.That'sunderstoodOfallhersex,whoareorwouldbeso;Andthosethatwouldbe,physicsooncanmakethem:Forthosethatare,theirbeautiesfearnocolours.

Eud.Yourlordshipisconceited.

Sej.Sir,youknowit,Andcan,ifneedbe,readalearnedlectureOnthis,andothersecrets.'Prayyou,tellme,WhatmoreofladiesbesidesLivia,Haveyouyourpatients?

1LegeTerentiidefensionemTacit.Ann.Lib.vi.p.102.

2Germanicisoror,uxorDrusi.Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74.'

Eud.Many,mygoodlord.ThegreatAugusta,1Urgulania,2MutiliaPrisca,3andPlancina;4divers—

Sej.AndallthesetellyoutheparticularsOfeveryseveralgrief?howfirstitgrew,Andthenincreased;whatactioncausedthat;Whatpassionthat:andanswertoeachpointThatyouwillputthem?

Eud.Else,mylord,weknownotHowtoprescribetheremedies.

Sej.Goto,

Youareasubtilenation,youphysicians!Andgrowntheonlycabinetsincourt,5Toladies'privacies.Faith,whichoftheseIsthemostpleasantladyinherphysic?Come,youaremodestnow.

Eud.'Tisfit,mylord.

Sej.Why,sir,Idonotaskyouoftheirurines,Whosesmell'smostviolet,orwhosesiegeisbest,Orwhomakeshardestfacesonherstool?Winchladysleepswithherownfaceanights?Whichputsherteethoff,withherclothes,incourt?Or,whichherhair,whichhercomplexion,And,inwhichboxsheputsit;Thesewerequestions,Thatmight,perhaps,haveputyourgravityTosomedefenceofblush.But,Ienquired,Whichwasthewittiest,merriest,wantonnest?Harmlessintergatories,butconceits.—MethinksAugustashouldbemostperverse.Andfrowardinherfit.

Eud.She'sso,mylord.

Sej.Iknewit:andMutiliathemostjocund.

Eud.'Tisverytrue,mylord.

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Sej.Andwhywouldyou

Concealthisfromme,now?Come,whatisLivia?Iknowshe'squickandquaintlyspirited,Andwillhavestrangethoughts,whensheisatleisure:Shetellsthemalltoyou.

Eud.Mynoblestlord,Hebreathesnotintheempire,oronearth,WhomIwouldbeambitioustoserveInanyact,thatmaypreserveminehonour,Beforeyourlordship.

1MatorTiborii.vid.Tacit.Ann.i,2,3,4,moritur5.Suet.Tib.Dio.Rom.Hist.57,58.

1DeliciumAugustas.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.etiv.

*AdulteraJuliiPosthumi.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.77.

•Pisonisuxor.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.iii.iv.

1Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74.etPlin.Nat,Hist.Lib.xxix.c.i.

Sej.Sir,youcanlosenohonour,Bytrustingaughttome.ThecoarsestactDonetomyservice,Icansorequite,Asalltheworldshallstyleithonourable:Youridle,virtuousdefinitions,Keephonourpoor,andareasscorn'dasvain:Thosedeedsbreathehonourthatdosuckingain.

Eud.But,goodmylord,ifIshouldthusbetray^Thecounselsofmypatient,andalady'sOfherhighplaceandworth;whatmightyourlordship,Whopresentlyaretotrustmewithyourown,Judgeofmyfaith?

Sej.OnlythebestIswear.SaynowthatIshouldutteryoumygrief,Andwithitthetruecause;thatitwerelove,AndlovetoLivia;*youshouldtellherthis:Shouldshesuspectyourfaith;IwouldyoucouldTellmeasmuchfromher;seeifmybrainCouldbeturn'djealous.

Eud.Happily,mylord,Icouldintimetellyouasmuchandmore;So1mightsafelypromisebutthefirstToherfromyou.

Sej.Assafely,myEudemus,Inowdarecalltheeso,asIhaveputThesecretintothee.

Eud.Mylord—

Sej.Protestnot,

Thylooksarevowstome;useonlyspeed,AndbutaffectherwithSejanus'love,2Thouartaman,madetomakeconsuls.Go.

Eud.Mylord,I'llpromiseyouaprivatemeetingThisdaytogether.

Sej.Canstthou?

Eud.Yes.

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Sej.Theplace?

Eud.Mygardens,whitherIshallfetchyourlordship.

Sej.Letmeadoremy^Esculapius.Why,thisindeedisphysic!andoutspeaksTheknowledgeofcheapdrugs,oranyuseCanbemadeoutofit!morecomfortingThanallyouropiates,juleps,apozems,

Magistralsyrupa,orBegone,myfriend,

Notbarelystyled,butcreatedso;

Expectthingsgreaterthanthylargesthopes,

Toovertakethee:Fortuneshallbetaught

Toknowhowillshehathdeserv'dthuslong,

Tocomebehindthywishes.Go,andspeed.[ExitEudemus.

1Cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74.2Tacet.ibid.

Ambitionmakesmoretrustyslavesthanneed.

Thesefellows,1bythefavouroftheirart,

Havestillthemeanstotempt;oft-timesthepower.

IfLiviawillbenowcorrupted,then

Thouhasttheway,Sejanus,toworkout

Hissecrets,who,thouknow'st,endurestheenot,

Herhusband,Drusus:andtoworkagainstthem.

Prosperit,Pallas,thouthatbetter'stwit;

ForVenushaththesmallestshareinit.

EnterTIBERIUS2andDRUSUS,attended.

Tib.[toHaterius,whokneelstohim.]Wenotendurethese

flatteries;lethimstand;Ourempire,ensigns,axes,rodsandstateTakenotawayourhumannaturefromus:Lookuponus,andfallbeforethegods.

Sej.HowlikeagodspeaksCaesar1

Arr.There,observe!

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Hecanendurethatsecond,that'snoflattery.O,whatisit,proudslimewillnotbelieveOfhisownworth,tohearitequalpraisedThuswiththegods!

Cor.Hedidnothearit,sir.

Arr.Hedidnot!Tut,hemustnot,wethinkmeanly.'Tisyourmostcourtlyknownconfederacy,TohaveyourprivateparasiteredeemWhathe,inpublic,subtilelywilllose,Tomakinghimaname.

Hat.Rightmightylord—[Giveshimletters.

Tib.Wemustmakeupourears'gainsttheseassaultsOfcharmingtongues;3weprayyouusenomoreThesecontumeliestous;stylenotusOrlord,ormighty,whoprofessourselfTheservantofthesenate,andareproudT'enjoythemourgood,just,andfavouringlords.

Cor.Rarely4dissembled!

Arr.Prince-liketothelife.

Sab.Whenpowerthatmaycommand,somuchdescends,Theirbondage,whomitstoopsto,itintends.

Tib.Whencearetheseletters?

Hat.Fromthesenate.

Tib.So.[Lat.giveshimletters.

Whencethese?

1Eud.specieartisfrequenssecretis.Tacit,ibid.Vid.Plin.Nat.HistLib.xxix.c.i.incriminat.medicorum.

8DeinitioTiberiiprincipatusvid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.23,Lib.iv.p.75.etSuet.Tib.c.27.DeHateriovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.6.

8Cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.50.etSuet.Tib.c.27et29.

4NullamaequeTiberiusexvirtutibussuisquamdissimulationemdiligebat.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.95.

Lat.Fromthencetoo.

Tib.Aretheysittingnow?

Lat.Theystaythyanswer,Caesar.

Sil.Ifthisman^

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Hadbutamindallieduntohiswords,Howblestafatewereittous,andRome!Wecouldnotthinkthatstateforwhichtochange,Althoughtheaimwereouroldliberty:Theghosts*ofthosethatfellforthat,wouldgrieveTheirbodieslivednot,now,againtoserve.Menaredeceived,whothinktherecanbethrallBeneathavirtuousprince:Wish'dlibertyNe'erlovelierlooks,thanundersuchacrown.But,whenhisgrace2ismerelybutlip-good,Andthat,nolongerthanheairshimselfAbroadinpublic,there,toseemtoshunThestrokesandstripesofflatterers,whichwithinArelecheryuntohim,andsofeedHisbrutishsensewiththeirafflictingsound,As,deadtovirtue,hepermitshimselfBecarriedlikeapitcherbytheears,Toeveryactofvice:thisisthecaseDeservesourfear,anddothpresagethenighAndcloseapproachofbloodandtyranny.Flatteryismidwife3untoprince'srage:Andnothingsoonerdothhelpforthatyrant,Thanthatandwhisperers'grace,whohavethetime,Theplace,thepower,tomakeallmenoffenders.

Arr.Heshouldbetoldthis;andbebiddissembleWithfoolsandblindmen:wethatknowtheevil,Shouldhuntthepalace-rats,4orgivethembane;Frighthencetheseworsethanravens,thatdevourThequick,wheretheybutpreyuponthedead:Heshallbetoldit.

Sab.Stay,Arruntius,Wemustabideouropportunity;Andpractisewhatisfit,aswhatisneedful.Itisnotsafet'enforceasovereign'sear:Princeshearwell,iftheyatallwillhear.

Arr.Ha,sayyouso?well!Inthemeantime,Jove,(Saynot,butIdocallupontheenow,)

1Bruti,Cassii,Catonis,etc.

2Vid.Dio.Hist.Lib.Ivii.demoribusTiberii.

8Tyrannisfereoriturexnimiaprocerumadulationeinprincipem.Arist.Pol.Lib.v.c.10,ii.etdelatorumauctoritate.Leg.Tacit.Dio.Suet.Tib.pertotum.Subquodecretaaccusatoribusprascipuapra^mia.Vid.Suet.Tib.c.61,etSen.Benef.Lib.iii.c.6.

4TineassoricesquePalatiivocatistosSex.Aurel.Viet,etTacit.Hist.Lib.i.p.233,quisecretiscriminat.infamantignarum,etquoincautiordeciperetur,palamlaudatum,etc.

Ofallwildbeastspreserveinefromatyrant:Andofalltame,aflatterer.

Sil'Tiswellpray'd.

Tib.[havingreadtheletters.]Returnthelordsthisvoice,

—Wearetheircreature,Anditisfitagoodandhonestprince,Whomthey,outoftheirbounty,haveinstructed1Withsodilateandabsoluteapower,Shouldowetheofficeofittotheirservice,Andgoodofallandeverycitizen.Norshallite'errepentustohavewish'dThesenatejust,andfavouringlordsuntous,SincetheirfreelovesdoyieldnolessdefenceToaprince'sstate,thanhisowninnocence.Saythen,therecanbenothinginthen:thoughtShallwanttopleaseus,thathathpleasedthem;OursuffragerathershallpreventthanstayBehindtheirwills:'tisempiretoobey,Wheresuch,sogreat,sograve,sogooddetermine.Yet,forthesuitofSpain,2toerectatempleInhonourofourmotherandourself,Wemust,withpardonofthesenate,notAssentthereto.TheirlordshipsmayobjectOurnotdenyingthesamelate

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requestUntotheAsiancities:wedesireThatourdefenceforsufferingthatbeknownInthesebriefreasons,withourafterpurpose.SincedeifiedAugustushinderednotAtempletobebuiltatPergamum,InhonourofhimselfandsacredRome;We,thathaveallhisdeeds3andwordsobservedEver,inplaceoflaws,theratherfollow'dThatpleasingprecedent,becausewithours,Thesenate'sreverence,also,therewasjoin'd.Butas,t'haveoncereceivedit,maydeserveThegainofpardon;so,tobeadoredWiththecontinuedstyle,andnoteofgods,Throughalltheprovinces,werewildambition,Andnolesspride:yea,evenAugustus'nameWouldearlyvanish,shoulditbeprofanedWithsuchpromiscuousflatteries.Forourpart,Wehereprotestit,andarecovetousPosterityshouldknowit,wearemortal;Andcanbutdeedsofmen:'tweregloryenough.Couldwebetrulyaprince.And,theyshalladdAboundinggraceuntoourmemory,

1Vid.Suet.Tib.c.20.etDio.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.696.1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.84et85.•Cons.Strab.Lib.vi.deTib.

Thatshallreportusworthyourforefathers,Carefulofyouraffairs,constantindangers,AndnotafraidofanyprivatefrownForpublicgood.ThesethingsshallbetousTemplesandstatues,rearedinyourminds,Thefairest,andmostduringimagery:Forthoseofstoneorbrass,iftheybecomeOdiousinjudgmentofposterity,Aremorecontemn'dasdyingsepulchres,Thanta'enforlivingmonuments.WethenMakehereoursuit,aliketogodsandmen;Theone,untiltheperiodofourrace,Toinspireuswithafreeandquietmind,Discerningbothdivineandhumanlaws;Theother,tovouchsafeusafterdeath,Anhonourablemention,andfairpraise,Toaccompanyouractionsandourname:Therestofgreatnessprincesmaycommand,And,therefore,mayneglect;only,along,Alasting,high,andhappymemoryTheyshould,withoutbeingsatisfied,pursue:Contemptoffamebegetscontemptofvirtue.

Nat.Rare!

Sat.Mostdivine!

Sej.Theoraclesareceased,ThatonlyCaesar,withtheirtongue,mightspeak.

Arr.Letmebegone:mostfeltandopenthis!

Cor.Stay.

Arr.What!tohearmorecunningandfinewords,Withtheirsoundflatter'deretheirsensebemeant?

Tib.TheirchoiceofAntium,1theretoplacethegiftVow'dtothegoddess2forourmother'shealth,Wewillthesenateknow,wefairlylike:Asalsooftheirgrant3toLepidus,Forhisrepairingthe^milianplace,Andrestorationofthosemonuments:Theirgrace4tooinconfiningofSilanusTotheotherisleCithera,atthesuitOfhisreligious5sister,muchcommendsTheirpolicy,sotemper'dwiththeirmercy.ButforthehonourswhichtheyhavedecreedToourSejanus,6toadvancehisstatueInPompey'stheatre,(whoseruiningfireHisvigilanceandlabourkeptrestrain'd

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1Tacit.Lib.iii.p.71.aFortunaequestris,ibid.

'Tacit,ibid.*Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.170.

_*Torquatavirgovestalis,cujasmemoriamservatmannerRomas,vid,Lips,comment,inTacit.6Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.71,

Inthatoneloss,)theyhavethereinout-gone

Theirowngreatwisdoms,bytheirskilfulchoice,

Andplacingoftheirbountiesonaman,

Whosemeritmoreadornsthedignity,

Thanthatcanhim;andgivesabenefit,

Intaking,greaterthanitcanreceive.

Blushnot,Sejanus,1thougreataidofRome,

Associateofourlabours,ourchiefhelper;

Letusnotforcethysimplemodesty

Withofferingatthypraise,formorewecannot,

Sincethere'snovoicecantakeit.Nomanhere

Receiveourspeechesashyperboles:

Forwearefarfromflatteringourfriend,

Letenvyknow,asfromtheneedtoflatter.

Norletthemaskthecausesofourpraise:

Princeshavestilltheirgroundsrear'dwiththemselves,

Abovethepoorlowflatsofcommonmen;

Andwhowillsearchthereasonsoftheiracts,

Muststandonequalbases.Lead,away:

Ourlovesuntothesenate.

[ExeuntTib.,Sejan.,Natta,Hat.,Lat.,Officers,etc.

Arr.Cfpsar!

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Sab.Peace.

Cor.GreatPompey'stheatre2wasneverruin'dTillnow,thatproudSejanushathastatueRear'donhisashes.

Arr.Placetheshameofsoldiers,Abovethebestofgenerals?cracktheworld,AndbruisethenameofRomansintodust,Erewebeholdit!

Sil.Checkyourpassion;LordDrusustarries.

Dru.Ismyfathermad,3Wearyoflife,andrule,lords?thustoheaveAnidolupwithpraise!makehimhismate,Hisrivalintheempire!

Arr.O,goodprince.

Dru.Allowhimstatues,4titles,honours,suchAshehimselfrefuseth!

Arr.Brave,braveDrusus!

Dru.Thefirstascentstosovereigntyarehard;But,enteredonce,thereneverwantsormeans,Orministers,tohelptheaspireron.

Arr.True,gallantDrusus.

Dru.WemustshortlyprayToModesty,thathewillrestcontented—

Arr.Ay,whereheis,andnotwriteemperor.

1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74-76.fVid.Sen.Cons.ad.Marcc.22.

3Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.76.•Tacit,ibid.

Re-enterSEJANTJS,SATRIUS,LATIARIS,Clients,etc.

Sej.Thereisyourbill,andyours;bringyouyourman.

[ToIhavemovedforyou,too,Latiaris.

Dru.What!

Isyourvastgreatnessgrownsoblindlybold,Thatyouwilloverus?

Sej.Whythengiveway.

Dru.Giveway,Colossus!doyoulift?advanceyou?Takethat!l[Strikeshim.

Arr.Good!brave!excellent,braveprince!

Dru.Nay,corne,approach.[Drawshissword.

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What,standyouoff?atgaze?Itlookstoofullofdeathforthycoldspirits.Avoidmineeye,dullcamel,ormyswordShallmakethybraveryfitterforagrave,Thanforatriumph.I'lladvanceastatueO'yourownbulk;but'tshallbeonthecross;2WhereIwillnailyourprideatbreadthandlength,Andcrackthosesinews,whichareyetbutstretch'dWithyourswolnfortune'srage.

Arr.Anobleprince!

AILACastor,3aCastor,aCastor,aCastor!

[ExeuntallbutSejanus.

Sej.Hethat,withsuchwrongmoved,canbearitthroughWithpatience,andanevenmind,knowshowToturnitback.Wrathcover'dcarriesfate:Revengeislost,ifIprofessmyhate.Whatwasmypracticelate,I'llnowpursue,Asmyfelljustice:thishathstyleditnew.[Exit.

ACTII

SCENEI.—Thegardeno/EUDEMUS.

EnterSEJANTJS,LIVIA,andEUDEMUS.

Sej.Physician,thouartworthyofaprovince,Forthegreatfavoursdoneuntoourloves;And,butthatgreatestLiviabearsapartIntherequitalofthyservices,Ishouldalonedespairofaught,likemeans,Togivethemworthysatisfaction.

Liv.Eudemus,Iwillseeit,shallreceive

1Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.74-76.aTacit,ibidem.

8Tacit,sequimurAnn.Lib.iv.p.74,quanquamapudDionemetZonaramaliterlegitur.

Afitandfullregardforhislargemerit.—

ButforthispotionlweintendtoDrusus,

Nomoreourhusbandnow,whomshallwechoose

Asthemostaptandableinstrument,

Toministerittohim?

End.Isay,Lygdus.2

Sej.Lygdus?what'she?

Liv.AneunuchDrususloves.

End.Ay,andhiscup-bearer.

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Sej.Namenotasecond.IfDrususlovehim,andhehavethatplace,Wecannottlu'nkafitter.

End.True,mylord.Forfreeaccessandtrustaretwomainaids.

Sej.Skilfulphysician!

Liv.ButhemustbewroughtTotheundertaking,withsomelabour'dart.

Sej.Isheambitious?

Liv.No.

Sej.Orcovetous?

Liv.Neither.

Eud.Yet,goldisagoodgeneralcharm.

Sej.Whatishe,then?

Liv.Faith,onlywanton,light.

Sej.How!isheyoungandfair?

Eud.Adelicateyouth.

Sej.Sendhimtome,3I'llworkhim.—Royal1-v1•-,ThoughIhavelovedyoulong,andwiththatheightOfzealandduty,likethefire,whichmoreItmountsittrembles,thinkingnoughtcouldaddUntothefervourwhichyoureyehadkindled;Yet,nowIseeyourwisdom,judgment,strength,Quickness,andwill,toapprehendthemeansToyourowngoodandgreatness,IprotestMyselfthroughrarified,andturn'dallflameInyouraffection:suchaspiritasyours,WasnotcreatedfortheidlesecondToapoorflash,asDrusus;buttoshineBrightasthemoonamongthelesserlights,Andsharethesov'reigntyofallthewon1'I.TurnLiviatriumphsinherpropersphere,WhensheandherSejanusshalldivideThenameofGVsar,andAugusta'sstar

'Servile,apudRomnims,cti;•;-simummortis?<-msfr.itsnppliciumcrucis,utexLiv.ipso.Tacit.Dio.ftomnibusfereanti<;pra?sertimhistoricisconstet.vicl.Plant,in.Mil.Amph.Aulii.llor.Lib.i.Ser3.etJov.Sat.vi.I'onecrtio-mservo,rtc.

1SicDrususobviolentiamro-nominatus,vid.Dion.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.701.

5Spadonisanimumstuprodfvinxit.Tarit.U.i1.

Bedimm'dwithgloryofabrighterbeam:

WhenAgrippina'slfiresarequiteextinct,

Andthescarce-seenTiberiusborrowsall

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Hislittlelightfromus,whosefoldedarms

Shallmakeoneperfectorb.[Knockingwithin,]Who'sthat?

Eudemus,Look.[ExitEudemus.]'TisnotDrusus,lady,donotfear.

Liv.NotI,mylord:myfearandloveofhimLeftmeatonce.

Sej.Illustriouslady,stay—

End.[within.]I'lltellhislordship.

Re-enterEUDEMUS.

Sej.Whoisit,Eudemus?

End.Oneofyourlordship'sservantsbringsyouwordTheemperorhathsentforyou.

Sej.O!whereishe?

Withyourfairleave,dearprincess,I'llbutaskAquestionandreturn.[Exit.

End.Fortunateprincess!HowareyoublestinthefruitionOfthisunequall'dman,thesoulofRome,Theempire'slife,andvoiceofCaesar'sworld!

Liv.Soblessed,myEudemus,astoknowTheblissIhave,withwhatIoughttooweThemeansthatwroughtit.HowdoIlookto-day?

End.Excellentclear,believeit.ThissamefucusWaswelllaidon.

Liv.Methinks'tisherenotwhite.

End.Lendmeyourscarlet,lady.'Tisthesun,Hathgiv'nsomelittletaintuntotheceruse;2YoushouldhaveusedofthewhiteoilIgaveyou.Sejanus,foryourlove!hisverynameCommandethaboveCupidorhisshafts—[Paintshercheeks.

Liv.Nay,nowyou'vemadeitworse.

End.I'llhelpitstraight—Andbutpronounced,isasufficientcharmAgainstallrumour;andofabsolutepowerTosatisfyforanylady'shonour.

Liv.Whatdoyounow,Eudemus?

End.Makealightfucus,

.Totouchyouo'erwithal.—Honour'dSejanns!Whatact,thoughne'ersostrangeandinsolent,Butthatadditionwillatleastbearout,

1Germanic!vidua.

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*Cerussa(apudRomanos)interfictitiorescoloreseratetquaesolemobcaloremtimebat.vid.Mart.Lib.ii.Epig.n.

QuaecretatatimetFabullanimbum,CerussatatimetSabellasolem.

Iftdonotexpiate?

Lv.Herp,goodphysician.

Eud.IlikethisstudytopreservetheloveOfsuchaman,thatcomesnoteveryhourTogreettheworld.—Tisnowwell,lady,youshouldUseofthedentifriceIprescribedyoutoo,Toclearyourteeth,andthepreparedpomatum,Tosmooththeskin:—AladycannotbeToocuriousofherform,thatstillwouldholdTheheartofsuchaperson,madehercaptive,Asyouhavehis:who,toendearhimmoreInyourcleareye,hathputawayhiswife,1Thetroubleofhisbed,andyourdelights,FairApicata,andmadespaciousroomToyournewpleasures.

Liv.Havenotwereturn'dThatwithourhatetoDrusus,anddiscovery2Ofallhiscounsels?

End.Yes,andwisely,lady.Theagesthatsucceed,andstandfaroffTogazeatyourhighprudence,shalladmire,Andreckonitanactwithoutyoursex:Ithaththatrareappearance.SomewillthinkYourfortunecouldnotyieldadeepersound,Thanmix'dwithDrusus;but,whentheyshallhearThat,andthethunderofSejanusmeet,Sejanus,whosehighnamedothstrikethestars,Andringsabouttheconcave;greatSejanus,Whoseglories,style,andtitlesarehimself,TheofteniteratingofSejanus:Theythenwilllosetheirthoughts,andbeashamedTotakeacquaintanceofthem.

Re-enterSEJAXUS.

Sej.Imustmake

Arudedeparture,lady:CaesarsendsWithallhishastebothofcommandandprayer.Beresoluteinourplot;youhavemysoul,Ascertainyoursasitismybody's.And,wisephysician,3sopreparethepoison,AsyoumaylaythesubtileoperationUponsomenaturaldiseaseofhis:Youreunuchsendtome.Ikissyourhands,Gloryofladies,andcommendmyloveToyourbestfaithandmemory.

1Exquatresliberosgenuerat,nepellicisuspectareturTacit.Ann.Iibiv.p.74.

fT

Leg.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.76.*Tacit,ibid,etDion.Rom.Hist.

Lib.Ivii.p.709.

Liv.Mylord,

Ishallbutchangeyourwords.Farewell.Yet,thisRememberforyourheed,helovesyounot;YouknowwhatIhavetoldyou:hisdesignsArefullofgrudgeanddanger;wemustuseMorethanacommonspeed.

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Sej.Excellentlady,Howyoudofiremyblood!

Liv.Well,youmustgo?Thethoughtsbebest,areleastsetforthtoshew.[ExitSejanus.

End.Whenwillyoutakesomephysic,lady?

Liv.When

Ishall,Eudemus:butletDrusus'drugBefirstprepared.

Eud.WereLygdusm^de,that'sdone;Ihaveitready.Andto-morrowmorningI'llsendyouaperfume,firsttoresolveAndprocuresweat,andthenprepareabathTocleanseandclearthecutis;againstwhenI'llhaveanexcellentnewfucusmade,Resistive'gainstthesun,therain,orwind,Whichyoushalllayonwithabreath,oroil,Asyoubestlike,andlastsomefourteenhours.Thischangecametimely,lady,foryourhealth,Andtherestoringyourcomplexion,WhichDrusus'cholerhadalmostburntup!WhereinyourfortunehathprescribedyoubetterThanartcoulddo.

Liv.Thanks,goodphysician,I'llusemyfortune,youshallsee,withreverence.Ismycoachready?

Eud.Itattendsyourhighness.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—AnApartmentIKthePalace.EnterSEJANUS.

Sej.Ifthisbenotrevenge,whenIhavedoneAndmadeitperfect,letEgyptianslaves,1Parthians,andbare-footHebrewsbrandmyface,Andprintmybodylullofinjuries.Thoulostthyself,childDrusus,whenthouthoughtstThoucouldstoutskipmyvengeance;oroutstandThepowerIhadtocrushtheeintoair.ThyfolliesnowshalltastewhatkindofmanTheyhaveprovoked,andthisthyfather'shouseCrackintheflameofmyincensedrage,Whosefuryshalladmitnoshameormean.—Adultery!itisthelightestill

1HiapudRomanesbarbarietvilissimiaestimab.Juv.Mart.etc.

IwillcommitAraceofwickedactsShallflowoutofmyanger,ando'erspreadTheworld'swideface,whichnoposterityShalle'erapprove,noryetkeepsilent:thingsThatfortheircunning,close,andcruelmark,Thyfatherwouldwishhis:andshall,perhaps,Carrytheemptyname,butwetheprize.On,then,mysoul,andstartnotinthycourse;Thoughheavendropsulphur,andhellbelchoutfire,Laughattheidleterrors;tellproudJove,Betweenhispowerandthinethereisnoodds:'Twasonlyfearfirstintheworldmadegods.1

EnterTIBERIUS,attended,

Tib.IsyetSejanuscome?

Sej.He'shere,dreadCa>sar.

Tib.Letalldepartthatchamber,andthenext.

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[ExeuntAttendants.

Sitdown,mycomfort.2WhenthemasterprinceOfalltheworld,Sejanus,saithhefears,Isitnotfatal?

Sej.Yes,tothosearefcar'd.

Tib.Andnottohim?

Sej.Not,ifhewiselyturnThatpartoffateheholdeth,firstonthorn.

Tib.Thatnature,blood,andlawsofkindforbid.

Sej.Dopolicyandstateforbidit?

Tib.No.

Sej.Therestofpoorrespects,then,letgoby;Stateisenoughtomaketheactjust,themguilty.

Tib.Longhatepursuessuchacts.

Sej.Whomhatredfrights,Lethimnotdreamofsovereignty.

Tib.Arerites

Offaith,love,piety,tobetroddown,Forgotten,andmadevain?

Sej.Allforacrown.Theprincewhoshamesatyrant'snametobear,

;11neverdaredoanytiling,l>utfc;\r:Allthecommandofs'-cpln-sfjnitodothperish,Ifitbeginreligiousthoughtstocherish:Wholeempiresfall,sway'dbythosenicerespects;Itisthelicenseofdarkdeedsprotectsl.v'nstatesmosthated,whennolawsresistThesword,butthatitactethwhatitlist.

Tib.Yetso,wemaydoallthingscruelly,Notsafely.

1fdem,ftI'ftro.Arbiter,Sat.ftStatins,T.il>.iii.1Dehacconsultatione,vid.Suet.Tib.c.55.

Sej.Yes,anddothemthoroughly.

Tib.KnowsyetSejanuswhomwepointat?

Sej.Ay,

Orelsemythought,mysense,orbothdoerr:'TisAgrippina.1

Tib.She,andherproudrace.

Sej.Proud!dangerous,2Caesar:forinthemapaceThefather'sspiritshootsup.Germanicus

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3Livesintheirlooks,theirgait,theirform,t'upbraidusWithhisclosedeath,ifnotrevengethesame.

Tib.Theact'snotknown.

Sej.Notproved:butwhisperingFameKnowledgeandproofdothtothejealousgive,Who,thantofail,wouldtheirownthoughtbelieve.Itisnotsafe,thechildrendrawlongbreath,Thatareprovokedbyaparent'sdeath.

Tib.Itisasdangeroustomakethemhence,Ifnothingbuttheirbirthbetheiroffence.

Sej.Stay,tilltheystrikeatCaesar;thentheircrimeWil?beenough;butlateandoutoftimeForhimtopunish.

Tib.Dotheypurposeit?

Sej.Youknow,sir,thunderspeaksnottillithit.Benotsecure;noneswiftlierareopprest,Thantheywhomconfidencebetraystorest.Letnotyourdaringmakeyourdangersuch:Allpoweristobefear'd,where'tistoomuch.Theyouthsareofthemselveshot,violent,Fullofgreatthought;andthatmale-spiriteddame,4Theirmother,slacksnomeanstoputthemon,Bylargeallowance,popularpresentings,Increaseoftrainandstate,suingfortitles;Haththemcommendedwithlikeprayers,5likevows,Tothesamegods,withCeesar:daysandnightsShespendsinbanquetsandambitiousfeastsForthenobility;whereCaiusSilius,TitiusSabinus,oldArruntius,AsiniusGallus,Furnius,Regulus,Andothersofthatdiscontentedlist,Aretheprimeguests.There,andtothese,shetellsWhosenieceshewas,6whosedaughter,andwhosewife.

1DeAgrip.vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.69.

*DeSejaniconsil.inAgrip.leg.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.23,etLib.iv.P-77-79-deTib.susp.Lib.iii.p.52.

aGnarisomnibuslaetamTiberioGermanicimortemmaledissimulari.Tacit.Lib.iii.ibid.HueconferTacit,narrat.demortePisonis.p.55.etLib.iv.p.74.Germanicimorteminterprosperaducebat.

*Deanim.viriliAgrip.cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.12et22.Lib.ii.p.47.

*Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.

*EratenimneptisAugusti,AgrippaeetJuliaefilia,Germaniciuxor.Suet.Aug.c.64.

AndthenmusttheycompareherwithAugusta,

Ay,andpreferhertoo;commendherform,

Extolherlfruitfulness;atwhichashower

FallsforthememoryofGermanicus,

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Whichtheyblowoverstraightwithwindypraise,

Andpuffinghopesofheraspiringsons;

Who,withthesehourlyticklings,growsopleased,

Andwantonlyconceitedofthemselves,

Asnow,theysticknottobelievethey'resuch

Asthesedogivethemout;andwoudbethought

Morethancompetitors,immediateheirs.

Whilsttotheirthirstofrule,theywintherout

(That'sstillthefriendofnovelty)2withhope

Offuturefreedom,whichoneverychange

Thatgreedily,thoughemptilyexpects.

Ca?sar,'tisageinallthingsbreedsneglects,

Andprincesthatwillkeepolddignity

Mustnotadmittooyouthfulheirsstandby;

Nottheirownissue;butsodarklyset

Asshadowsareinpicture,togiveheight

Andlustretothemselves.

Tib.Wewillcommand3

Theirrankthoughtsdown,andwithastricterhandThanwehaveyetputforth;theirtrainsmustbate,Theirtitles,feasts,andfactions.

Sej.Oryourstate.Buthow,sir,willyouwork?

Tib.Confinethem.

Sej.Xo.

Theyaretoogreat,andthattoofaintablowTogivethemnow;itwouldhaveserv'datfirst,Whenwiththeweakesttouchtheirknothadburst.But,now,yourcaremustbe,nottodetectThesmallestcord,orlineofyoursuspect;Forsuch,whoknowtheweightofprince'sfear,Will,whentheyfindthemselvesdiscover'd,rearTheirforces,likeseensnakes,thatelsewouldlieRoll'dintheircircles,close:noughtismorehigh,Daring,ordesperate,than

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olTrndcrsfound;Whereguiltis,rageandcouragebothabound.Thecoursemustbe,toletthemstillswellup,Riot,andsurfeitonblindfortune'scup;Givethemmoreplace,moredignit!'•><,morestyle,Callthemtocourt,tosenate;inthe\vhi!<\

1Defoccund.ejus.vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.ii.p.39.etLib.iv.p.77.

*Displicereregnantibusciviliaftlioruiningema:nequc<>!>aliudint*r-ceptosquamquiaPop.Rom.,i<|nojurecomplecti,redditaUbertate,agitavrrint.Nat.Tacit.Lit),ii.Ana.p.49.

3Vid.Suet.Tib.c.^4.

Takefromtheirstrengthsomeoneortwain,ormore,Ofthemainfautors,(itwillfrightthestore,)And,bysomeby-occasion.Thus,withslightYoushalldisarmthemfirst;andthey,innightOftheirambition,notperceivethetrain,Tillintheenginetheyarecaughtandslain.

Tib.Wewouldnotkill,ifweknewhowtosave;Yet,thanathrone,'tischeapergiveagrave.Istherenowaytobindthembydeserts?

Sej.Sir,wolvesdochangetheirhair,butnottheirhearts.Whilethusyourthoughtuntoameanistied,Youneitherdareenough,nordoprovide.Allmodestyisfond:andchieflywhereThesubjectisnolesscompell'dtobear,Thanpraisehissovereign'sacts.

Tib.WecannolongerlKeeponourmasktothee,ourdearSejanus;Thythoughtsareours,inall,andwebutprovedTheirvoice,inourdesigns,whichbyassentingHathmoreconfirm'dus,thanifheart'ningJoveHad,fromhishundredstatues,bidusstrike,Andatthestrokeclick'dallhismarblethumbs.2Butwhoshallfirstbestruck?

Sej.FirstCaiusSilius;

Heisthemostofmark,andmostofdanger:Inpowerandreputationequalstrong,Havingcommanded3animperialarmySevenyearstogether,vanquish'dSacrovirInGermany,andthenceobtain'dtowearTheornamentstriumphal.Hissteepfall,Byhowmuchitdothgivetheweightiercrack,Willsendmorewoundingterrortotherest,Commandthemstandaloof,andgivemorewayTooursurprisingoftheprincipal.

Tib.Butwhat,4Sabinus?

Sej.Lethimgrowawhile,Hisfateisnotyetripe:wemustnotpluckAtalltogether,lestwecatchourselves.Andthere'sArruntiustoo,heonlytalks.ButSosia,5Silius'wife,wouldbewoundin

1TiberiumvariisartibusdevinxitadeoSejanus,utobscurumadversnmalios,sibiuniincautum,intectumqueefficeret.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p74.Vid.Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Ivii.p.707.

2Premerepollicem,apudRomanes,maximifavoriseratsignum.Horat.Epist.adLolliuni.Fautorutroquehorumlaudabitpolliceludum.EtPlin.Nat.Hist.Lib.xxviii.cap.2.Pollices,cumfaveamus,premereetiamproverbiojubemur.Deinterp.loci,vid.Ang.Pol.Miscell.cap.xlii.etTurn.Adver.Lib.xi.cap.vi.

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8Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.63.etLib.iv.p.79.

'Tacit,ibid.6Tacit,ibid.

Now,forshehathafuryinherbreast,

Morethanhelleverknew;andwouldbesent

Thitherintime.ThenisthereoneCremutius1

Cordus,awritingfellow,theyhavegot

Togathernotesoftheprecedenttimes,

AndmakethemintoAnnals;amosttart

Andbitterspirit,Ihear;who,undercolour

Ofpraisingthose,dothtaxthepresentstate,

Censuresthemen,theactions,leavesnotrick,

Nopracticeunexamined,parallels

Thetimes,thegovernments;aprofestchampion

Fortheoldliberty—

Tib.Aperishingwretch!Asiftherewerethatchaosbredinthings,ThatlawsandlibertywouldnotratherchooseTobequitebroken,andta'enhencebyus,Thanhavethestaintobepreservedbysuch.Havewethemeanstomaketheseguiltyfirst?

Sej.Trustthattome:letCaesar,byhispowerButcauseaformalmeetingofthesenate,Iwillhavematterandaccusersready.

Tib.Buthow?letusconsult.

Sej.WeshallmisspendThetimeofaction.CounselsareunfitInbusiness,whereallrestismoreperniciousThanrashnesscanbe.ActsofthisclosekindThrivemorebyexecutionthanadvice.Thereisnolingeringinthatworkbegun,Whichcannotpraisedbe,untilthroughdone.

Tib.Ouredictsshallforthwithcommandacourt.2WhileIcanlive,Iwillpreventearth'sfury:*L)uou6av6mosyaia/j.ixdiJTO}7ru/n.3

[Exit.EnterJULIUSPOSTHUMUS.

Pos.MylordSejanus—

Sej.Julius4Posthumus!ComewithmywishlWhatnewsfromAgrippina's?

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Pos.Faith,none.Thayalllockupthemselvesa'late,Ortalkincharacter;IhavenotseenAcompanysochanged.ExcepttheyhadIntelligencebyauguryofourpractice.—

Sej.Whenwereyouthere?

1Yid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.83.Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Ivii.p.710.et

C'>IH.ad.Marc.cap.i.ctlu-iu-;,cap.22.

2EdictoutplurimuinSenatorsincuriaiuvocatosconstat.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.3.

\uUarisquidamversus,quemsa-peTiber,recitassememoratur.Dion.Ili-t.Rein.Lib.Iviii.p.729.

4DeJulio1'o-tunio.vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.77

Pos.Lastnight.

Sej.Andwhatguestsfoundyou?

Pos.Sabinus,Silius,theoldlist,Arruntius,Furnius,andGallus.

Sej.Wouldnotthesetalk?

Pos.Little:

Andyetweoffer'dchoiceofargument.Satriuswaswithme.

Sej.Well:'tisguiltenoughTheiroftenmeeting.Youforgottoextol*Thehospitablelady?

Pos.No;thattrick

Waswellputhome,andhadsucceededtoo,ButthatSabinuscough'dacautionout;Forshebegantoswell.

Sej.Andmaysheburst!Julius,IwouldhaveyougoinstantlyUntothepalaceofthegreatAugusta,And,byyour2kindestfriend,getswiftaccess;Acquaintherwiththesemeetings:tellthewords3Youbroughtmetheotherday,ofSilius,Addsomewhattothem.MakeherunderstandThedangerofSabinus,andthetimes,Outofhiscloseness.GiveArruntius'wordsOfmaliceagainstCsesar;so,toGallus:But,aboveall,toAgrippina.Say,Asyoumaytruly,thatherinfinitepride,4Proptwiththehopesofhertoofruitfulwomb,Withpopularstudiesgapesforsovereignty,AndthreatensCaesar.PrayAugustathen,Thatforherown,greatCaesar's,andthepub-Licsafety,shebepleasedtourgethesedangers.Caesaristoosecure,hemustbetold,Andbesthe'lltakeitfromamother'stongue.Alas!whatis'tforustosound,toexplore,Towatch,oppose,plot,practise,orprevent,Ifhe,forwhomitissostronglylabour'd,Shall,outofgreatnessandfreespirit,beSupinelynegligent?ourcity'snow5Dividedasintimeo'thecivilwar,AndmenforbearnottodeclarethemselvesOfAgrippina'sparty.EverydayThefactionmultiplies;andwilldomore,Ifnotresisted:youcanbestenlargeit,

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1ProximiAgrip.inliciebanturpravissermonibustumidosspiritusperstimulare.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.77.

2MutiliaPrisca,quasinanimumAugustaevalida.Tac.ibid.

3VerbaSiliiimmodicejactata,vid.apudTac.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.

4Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.77.

*HaecapudTacit,leg.Ann.Lib.iv.p7g.

Sej

anus337

Asyoufindaudience.NoblePosthtimng,CommendmetoyourPrisca:andprayher,Shewillsolicitthisgreatbusiness,Toearnestandmostpresentexecution,WithallherutmostcreditwithAugusta.

Pos.Ishallnotfailinmyinstructions.[Exit.

Sej.Thissecond,fromhismother,willwellurgoOurlatedesign,andspuronCaesar'srage;Whichelsemightgrowremiss.ThewaytoputAprinceinblood,istopresenttheshapesOfdangers,greaterthantheyare,likelate,Orearlyshadows;and,sometimes,tofeignWheretherearenone,onlytomakehimfear?Hisfearwillmakehimcruel:andonceenter'd,Hedothnoteasilylearntostop,orspareWherehemaydoubt.ThishaveImademyrule,TothrustTiberiusintotyranny,Andmakehimtoil,toturnasidethoseblocks,WhichIalonecouldnotremovewithsafety,Drususoncegone,Germanicus'threesons*Wouldclogmyway;whoseguardshavetoomuchfaithTobecorrupted:andtheirmotherknownOftoo,toounreprovedachastity,Tobeattempted,aslightLiviawas.Workthen,myart,onCa?sar'sfears,astheyOnthosetheyfear'tillallmyletsbeclear'd,Andheinruinsofhishouse,andhateOfallhissubjects,buryhisownstate;Whenwithmypeaceandsafety,Iwillrise,Bymakinghimthepublicsacrifice.[Exit.

SCENEIII.—ARoominAORIPPTNA'SHouse.EnterSATRIUSandNATTA.

Sat.They'regrownexceedingcircumspect,andwary.

Nat.Theyhaveusinthewind:andyetArruutiudCannotcontainhimself.

Sat.Tut,he'sn<>tyet

Look'dafter;thereareothersmoredesired2Thataremoresilent.

Nat.Herehecomes.Away.[Exeunt.

EnterS.\MINTS,.\Kur\TTUS,andCORDUS.

Snh.Howisit,thatthesebeagleshaunttheh.niseOfAgrippina?

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1QuorumnondubiaSUCCPSSJO,nequespargivenenumintrrspoter.itetc.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.77.

Arr.O,theyhunt,1theyhunt!

Thereissomegameherelodged,whichtheymustrouse,Tomakethegreatonessport.

Cor.DidyouobserveHowtheyinveigh'd'gainstCsesar?

Arr.Ay,baits,baits,Forustobiteat:wouldIhavemyfl^shTornbythepublichook,thesequalifiedhangmenShouldbemycompany.

Cor.Herecomesanother.[Dom.Aferpassesoverthestage.

Arr.Ay,there'saman,2Afertheorator!Onethathathphrases,figures,andfineflowers,Tostrewhisrhetoricwith,3anddothmakehaste,Togethimnote,orname,byanyofferWherebloodorgainbeobjects;steepshiswords,Whenhewouldkill,inartificialtears:ThecrocodileofTyber!him1love,Thatmanismine;hehathmyheartandvoiceWhenIwouldcurse!he,he.

Sab.Contemntheslaves,Theirpresentliveswillbetheirfuturegraves.[Exeunl.

SCENEIV.—AnotherApartmentinthesame.EnterSILITJS,AGRIPPINA,NERO,andSOSIA.

Sil.May'tpleaseyourhighnessnotforgetyourself;Idarenot,withmymanners,toattemptYourtroublefarther.

Agr.Farewell,nobleSilius!

Sil.Mostroyalprincess.

Agr.Sosiastayswithus?

Sil.Sheisyourservant,anddothoweyourgraceAnhonest,butunprofitablelove.

Agr.Howcanthatbe,whenthere'snogambutvirtue's?

Sil.Youtakethemoral,notthepoliticsense.Imeant,assheisbold,andfreeofspeech,Earnest4toutterwhatherzealousthoughtTravailswithal,inhonourofyourhouse;Whichact,asitissimplyborninher,Partakesofloveandhonesty;butmay,Bytheover-often,andunseason'duse,

1Tib.temper,delatoresgenushominumpublicoexitiore-pr^tum,etpoenisquidemnunquamsatiscoercitum,perpraemiaeliciebantur.Tac.Aim.Lib.iv.p.82.

3DeDomit.Ai.vid.Tac.Ann.Lib.iv.p.89-93.

*Quoquofacinoreproperusclarescere.Tacit,ibid.Etinfra,prosperioreeloquentiaequammorumfamSfuit.Etp.93.diuegens,etpartonuperproemiomaleusus,pluraadflagitia

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accingeretur.

*Vid.Tac.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.i

Turntoyourlossanddanger:1foryourstate

Iswaitedonbyenvies,asbyeyes;

Andeverysecondguestyourtablestake

Isafee'dspy,toobservewhogoes,whocomes;

Whatconferenceyouhave,withwhom,where,when,

Whatthediscourseis,whatthelooks,thethoughts

Ofeverypersonthere,theydoextract,

Andmakeintoasubstance.

Agr.Hearme,Silius.WereallTiberius'bodystuckwitheyes,AndeverywallandhanginginmyhouseTransparent,asthislawnIwear,orair;Yea,hadSejanusbothhisearsaslongAstomyinmostcloset,IwouldhateTowhisperanythought,orchangeanact,TobemadeJuno'srival.Virtue'sforcesShewevernoblestinconspicuouscourses.

Sil.'Tisgreat,andbravelyspoken,likethespiritOfAgrippina:yet,yourhighnessknows,Thereisnorlossnorshameinprovidence;Fewcan,whatallshoulddo,bewareenough.Youmayperceive2withwhatofficiousface,Satrius,andNatta,Afer,andtherestVisityourhouse,oflate,toenquirethesecrets;Andwithwhatboldandprivilegedart,theyrailAgainstAugusta,yea,andatTiberius;TelltricksofLivia,andSejanus;allToexcite,andcallyourindignationon,Thattheymighthearitatmoreliberty.

Agr.You'retoosuspicious,Silius.

Sil.Praythegods,Ibeso,Agrippina;butIfearSomesubtlepractice.3TheythatdursttostrikeAtsoexampless,andunblamedalife,AsthatoftherenownedGermanicus,Willnotsitdownwiththatexploitalone:Hethreatensmanythathathinjuredone.

Nero.'Twerebestripforththeirtongues,searouttheireyes,Whennexttheycome.

Sus.Alitrewardforspies.

EnterDRUSTJS,jun.

Dru.jun.H'-aryoutherumour?Agr.What?

Dru.pin.Drususisdying.4Agr.Dying!

1Tacit,ibid,etpp.90et92.

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,'iir>Tnc

1Vicl.IscAnn.T.ib.iv.p.77.*Tacit,ib

1SiK't.'Iil>.r.2Di<>n.I\»in.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.705.*TarAnnLilt.iv.pp.71.7v?fi,77.

Nero.That'sstrange!

Agr.Youwerewithhimyesternight.

Dru.jun.OnemetEudemusthephysician,Sentfor,butnow;whothinkshecannotlive.

Sil.Thinks!ifitbearrivedatthat,heknows,Ornone.

Agr.'Tisquick!whatshouldbehisdisease?

Sil.Poison,poison—

Agr.How,Silius!

Nero.What'sthat?

Sil.Nay,nothing.TherewaslateacertainblowGivno'theface.

Nero.Ay,toSejanus.

Sil.True.

Dru.jun.Andwhatofthat?

Sil.I'mgladIgaveitnot.

Nero.Butthereissomewhatelse?

Sil.Yes,privatemeetings,Withagreatlady[sir],ataphysician's,Andawifeturn'daway.

Nero.Ha!

Sil.Toys,meretoys:Whatwisdom'snowinth'streets,inthecommonmouth?

Dru.jun.Fears,whisperings,tumults,noise,Iknownotwhat-.TheysaytheSenatesit.1

S"il.I'llthitherstraight;Andseewhat'sintheforge.

Agr.GoodSiliusdo;SosiaandIwillin.

Sil.Hasteyou,mylords,Tovisitthesickprince;tenderyourloves,Andsorrowstothepeople.ThisSejanus,Tmstmydiviningsoul,hathplotsonall:Notree,thatstopshisprospect,butmustfall.[Exeunt.

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ACTIII

SCENEI.—TheSenate-House.

EnterPrsecones,Lictores,SEJANUS,VARRO,LATIARIS,GOTTA,

andAFER.

Rej.'Tisonly2youmusturgeagainsthim,Varro;NorInorCsesarmayappeartherein,Exceptinyourdefence,whoaretheconsul;And,undercolouroflateenmityBetweenyourfatherandhis,maybetterdoit,

1Vid.Tac.Ann.Lib.iv.p.76.2Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.

Asfreefromallsuspicionofapractice.

Herebeyournotes,whatpointstotouchat;read:

Becunninginthem.Aferhasthemtoo.

Var.Butishesummon'd?

Sej.No.ItwasdebatedByCa?sar,andconcludedasmostfitTotakehimunprepared.

Afer.AndprosecuteAllundernameoftreason.1

Var.Iconceive.

EnterSABINUS,GALLTJS,LEPIDTTS,andARRTTNTIUS.

Sab.Drususbeingdead,Ca?sarwillnotbehere.

Gal.Whatshouldthebusinessofthissenatebe?

Arr.Thatcanmysubtlewhispererstellyou:weThatarethegood-dull-noblelookerson,Areonlycall'dtokeepthemarblewarm.Whatshouldwedowiththosedeepmysteries,Propertothesefineheads?letthemalone.Ourignorancemay,perchance,helpusbesavedFromwhipsandfuries.

Gall.See,see,seetheiraction!

Arr.Ay,nowtheirheadsdotravail,nowtheywork;Theirfacesrunlikeshittles;theyareweavingSomecuriouscobwebtocatchfiies.

Sab.Observe,Theytaketheirplaces.

Arr.What,2solowl

Gal.Oyes,

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TheymustbeseentoflatterCaesar'sgrief,Thoughbutinsitting.

Var.Bidussilence.

Free.Silence!

Var.Fathersconscript3waythisourpresentmeelir.jTurnfair,andfortunatetothecommon-wealth/

EnterSILKJS,andotherSenators.

Frj.See,Siliusenters.

Sil.Hail,gravefathers1

Lie.Stand.Silius,forbearthyplace.

Sen.Howl

Prce.Silius,standforth,Theconsulhathtochargethce.

Lie.RoomforCVsur.

.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.Sedcnnctaqnrrstionemnjpstatisexrrcita.1Tacit,cod.Lib.iv.p.76.Consulesquesedevulgar!perspccinntnaestitiaesedentes.

*PracfatiosoleunisConsulumRom.vid.Bar.Briss.defor.Lib.ii.

Arr.Ishecometoo!naythenexpectatrick.Sab.Siliusaccused!surehewillanswernobly.

EnterTIBERIUS,attended.

Tib.Westandamazed,fathers,tobeholdThisgeneraldejection.WhereforesitRome'sconsulsthusdissolved,1astheyhadlostAlltheremembrancebothofstyleandplace2Itnotbecomes.Nowoesareoffitweight,Tomakethehonouroftheempirestoop:ThoughI,inmypeculiarself,maymeetJustreprehension,thatsosuddenly,And,insofreshagrief,wouldgreetthesenate,Whenprivatetongues,ofkinsmenandallies,Inspiredwithcomforts,lothlyareendured,Thefaceofmennotseen,andscarcetheday,Tothousandsthatcommunicateourloss.NorcanIarguetheseofweakness;sinceTheytakebutnaturalways;yetImustseekForstrongeraids,andthosefairhelpsdrawoutFromwarmembracesofthecommon-wealth.Ourmother,greatAugusta,'sstruckwithtime,Ourselfimprestwithagedcharacters,Drususisgone,hischildrenyoungandbabes;OuraimsmustnowreflectonthosethatmayGivetimelysuccourtothesepresentills,Andareouronlyglad-survivinghopes,ThenobleissueofGermanicus,NeroandDrusus:mightitpleasetheconsulHonourthemin,theybothattendwithout.Iwouldpresentthemtothesenate'scare,AndraisethosesunsofjoythatshoulddrinkupThesefloodsofsorrowinyourdrownedeyes.

Arr.ByJove,IamnotCEdipusenoughTounderstandthisSphynx.

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Sab.Theprincescome.

EnterNERO,andDRUSUS,junior.

Tib.Approachyou,nobleNero,nobleDrusug.Theseprinces,fathers,whentheirparentdied,Igaveuntotheiruncle,withthisprayer,Thatthoughhehadproperissueofhisown,Hewouldnolessbringup,andfosterthese,Thanthatself-blood;andbythatactconfirmTheirworthstohim,andtoposterity.Drususta'enhence,Iturnmyprayerstoyou,And'foreourcountry,andourgods,beseechYoutake,andruleAugustus'nephew'ssons,1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.76.

Sprungofthenoblestancestors;andPO

Accomplishbothmyduty,andyourown.

Nero,andDrusus,theseshallbetoyou

Inplaceofparents,theseyourfathers,these;

Andnotunfitly:foryouaresoborn,

Asallyourgood,orill'sthecommon-wealth's.

Receivethem,youstrongguardians;andblestgods,

Makealltheiractionsanswertotheirbloods:

Lettheirgreattitlesfindincreasebythem,

Nottheybytitles.Setthemasinplace,

Soinexample,abovealltheRomans:

Andmaytheyknownorivalsbutthemselves.

LetFortunegivethemnothing;butattend

LTpontheirvirtue:andthatstillcomeforth

Greaterthanhope,andbetterthantheirfame.

Relieveme,fathers,withyourgeneralvoice.

Senators.MayallthegodsconsenttoCcesar'swish,AndaddtoanyhonoursthatmaycrownThehopefulissueofGermanicus!

Tib.Wethankyou,reverendfathers,intheirri-jht.

Arr.Ifthisweretruenow!butthespace,thespaceBetweenthebreastandlips—Tiberius'heartLiesathoughtfurtherthananotherman's.[Aside.

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Tib.Mycomfortsaresoflowinginmyjoys,As,inthem,allmystreamsofgriefarelost,Nolessthanareland-watersinthesea,Orshowersinrivers;thoughtheircausewassurh,Asmighthavesprinkledev'nthegodswithtears:Yet,sincethegreaterdothembracetheless,Wecovetouslyobey.

Arr.Wellacted,Capsar.[Asid*.

Tib.AndnowIamthehappywitnessmadoOfyoursomuchdesiredaffectionsTothisgreatissue,Icouldwish,theFatosWouldheresetpeacefulperiodtomyda}-s;Howevertomylabours,Ientreat,Andbegitofthissenate,somefitease.

Arr.Laugh,fathers,laugh:lhaveyounoBpleecuTaboutyou?

\A

Tib.TheburdenistooheavyTsu^ininOnmyunwillingshoulders;andIprayItmaybetakenoff,andreconferrcIUpontheconsuls,orsomeotherRoman,Moreable,andmon>worthy.

Arr.L;ni'j!ionstill.\A-

'>.Whythisdothrenderallthed!

Gal.Itpoisonsall.

1Tacit.Lib.iv.p.76.Advana<tt»ticsinri?an-vi>lutusrloRrp.utqupconsulos,seuqir.-it.

Arr.0,doyoutasteitthen?

Sab.IttakesawaymyfaithtoanytilingHeshallhereafterspeak.

Arr.Ay,topraythat,

Whichwouldbetohisheadashotasthunder,'GainstwhichhewearsthatcharmlshouldbutthecourtReceivehimathisword.

Gal.Hear!

Tib.Formyself

Iknowmyweakness,andsolittlecovet,Likesomegonepast,theweightthatwilloppressme,Asmyambitionisthecounter-point.

Arr.Finelymaintained;goodstill!

Sej.ButRome,whoseblood,Whosenerves,whoselife,whoseveryframereliesOnCsesar'sstrength,nolessthanheavenonAtlas,Cannotadmititbutwithgeneralruin.

Arr.Ah!areyoutheretobringhimoff?[Aside.

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Sej.LetCsesar

NomorethenurgeapointsocontraryToCaesar'sgreatness,thegrievedsenate'svows,OrRome'snecessity.\Gal.Hecomesabout—

Arr.MorenimblythanVertumnus.

Tib.Forthepublick,ImaybedrawntoshewIcanneglectAllprivateaims,thoughIaffectmyrest;Butifthesenatestillcommandmeserve,Imustbegladtopractisemyobedience.2

Arr.Youmustandwill,sir.Wedoknowit.[Aside.

Senators.Ccesar,

Livelonqandhappy,greatandroyalCcesar;Thegodspreservetheeandthymodesty,ThywisdomandthyinnocenceI

Arr.Whereis't?Theprayerismadebeforethesubject.[Aside.

Senators.Guard

Hismeekness,Jove;hispiety,hiscare,Hisbounty—

Arr.Andhissubtility,I'llputin:Yethe'llkeepthathimself,withoutthegods.Allprayersarevainforhim.[Aside.

Tib.Wewillnothold

Yourpatience,fathers,withlonganswer;but

1'Gainstwhichhewearsacharm.]Tonitruaprsetermodumexpavescebat;etturbatioreccelonunquamnoncoronamlaureamcapitagestavit,quodfulmineafflarinegeturidgenusfrondis.Suet.Tib.c.69.Plin.Nat.Hist.Lib.xv.c.20.

8Semperperplexaetobscuraorat.Tib.vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.5.

Shallstillcontendtobewhatyoudesire,Andworktosatisfysogreatahope.Proceedtoyourattairs.

Arr.Now,Silius,guardthee;Thecurtain'sdrawing.Aferadvanceth.[Aside.

Prce.Silence!

Afer.CitelCaiusSilius.

Prce.CaiusSilius!

SilHere.

Afer.ThetriumphthatthouhadstinGermanyForthylatevictoryonSacrovir,Thouhast

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enjoy'dsofreely,CaiusSilius,Asnomanitenviedthee;norwouldCfosar,OrRomeadmit,thatthouwertthendefraudedOfanyhonoursthydesertscouldclaim,Inthefairserviceofthecommon-wealth:Butnow,if,afteralltheirlovesandgraces,(Thyactions,andtheircoursesbeingdiscover'd)ItshallappeartoCa?sarandthissenate,Thouhastdefiledthoseglorieswiththycrimes—

Sil.Crimes!

Afer.Patience,Silius.

Sil.Tellthymuleofpatience;

IamaRoman.Whataremycrimes?proclaimthem.AmItoorich,toohonestforthetimes?HaveIortreasure,jewels,land,orhousesThatsomeinformergapesfor?ismystrengthToomuchtobeadmitted,ormyknowledge?Thesenowarecrimes.2

Afer.Nay,Silius,ifthenameOfcrimesotouchthee,withwhatimpotenceWiltthouendurethemattertobesearch'tl?

Sil.Itellthee,Afer,withmorescornthanfear:Employyourmercenarytongueandart.Where'smyaccuser?

Var.Here.

Arr.Varro.theconsul!Ishethrustin?[A;<ide.

Var.'TisIaccusethee,Silius.AgainstthemajestyofRome,andf<^ir,Idopronouncetheehereaguiltycause,Firstofbeginning3andoccasioning,Next,drawingoutthewarin4Gallia,

1Citabaturreusetribunal!vocepraecouis.vid.Bar.Crisson.Lib.5,deform.

1Vid.Suet.Tib.Tacit.Dio.Senec.

1Tacit.Lib.iv.p.79.Consciontia"bHli.S.in-ovirdiudissimulatus,victoriaperavaritiamteel;tta,ftuxorS<>si:i.iruiu'lMtitnr.

4BfHumSacrovirianuminGall.erat.Tri"rnphinGerm.vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.63.

Forwhichthoulatetriumph'st;dissemblinglong

ThatSacrovirtobeanenemy,

Onlytomakethyentertainmentmore.

Whilstthou,andthywifeSosia,poll'dtheprovince:

Wherein,withsordid,basedesireofgam,

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Thouhastdiscreditedthyactions'worth,

Andbeenatraitortothestate.

Sil.Thouliest.

Arr.Ithankthee,Silius,speaksostillandoften.

Var.IfInotproveit,Caesar,1butunjustlyHavecall'dhimintotrial;hereIbindMyselftosuffer,whatIclaimagainsthim;AndyieldtohavewhatIhavespoke,confirrn'd.Byjudgmentofthecourt,andallgoodmen.

Sil.Caesar,Icravetohavemycausedeferr'd,Tillthisman'sconsulshipbeout.

Tib.Wecannot,Normaywegrantit.

Sil.Why?shallhedesignMydayoftrial?Ishemyaccuser,Andmusthebemyjudge?

Tib.Ithathbeenusual,Andisarightthatcustomhathallow'dThemagistrate,2tocallforthprivatemen;Andtoappointtheirday:whichprivilegeWemaynotintheconsulseeinfringed,Bywhosedeepwatches,andindustriouscareItissolabour'd,asthecommon-wealthReceivenoloss,byanyobliquecourse.

Sil.Caesar,thyfraudisworsethanviolence.

Tib.Silius,mistakeusnot,wedarenotuseThecreditoftheconsultothywrong;Butonlytopreservehisplaceandpower,SofarasitconcernsthedignityAndhonourofthestate.

Arr.Believehim,Silius.

Cot.Why,sohemay,Arruntius.

Arr.Isayso.Andhemaychoosetoo.

Tib.BytheCapitol,

Andallourgods,butthatthedearrepublic,Oursacredlaws,andjustauthorityAreinteress'dtherein,Ishouldbesilent.

Afer.'PleaseCaesartogivewayuntohistrial,Heshallhavejustice.

Sil.Nay,Ishallhavelaw;

1Vid.accusandiformulamapudBrisson.Lib.v.deform.

2Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.AdversatusestCaesar,solirumquippemagistratibusdieinprivatisdicere,neeinfringendumConsuiisjus,cujusvigiliis,etc.

ShallInot,Afer?speak.

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Afer.Wouldyouhavemore?

Sil.No,mywell-spokenman,Twouldnomore;Norless:mightIenjoyitnatural.Nottaughttospeakuntoyourpresentends.Freefromthine,his,andallyourunkindhandling,Furiousenforcing,mostunjustpresuming,Malicious,andmanifoldapplying,Foulwresting,andimpossibleconstruction.

Afer.Heraves,heraves.

Sil.Thoudurstnottellmeso,HadstthounotCa?sar'swarrant.IcanseeWhosepowercondemnsme.

Var.Thisbetrayshisspirit:Thisdothenoughdeclarehimwhatheis.

Sil.WhatamI?speak.

Var.Anenemytothestate.

Sil.BecauseIamanenemytothee,Andsuchcorruptedministerso'thestate,ThathereartmadeapresentinstrumentTolgratifyitwiththineowndisgrace.

Sej.This,totheconsul,ismostinsolent,Andimpious!

Sil.Ay,takepart.Revealyourselves,Alas!Iscentnotyourconfederacies,Yourplots,andcombinations!InotknowMinionSejanushatesme:andthatall,Thisboastoflaw,andlaw,isbutaform,AnetofVulcan'sfiling,amereingine,Totakethatlifebyapretextofjustice,Whichyoupursueinmalice!Iwantbrain,Ornostriltopersuademe,thatyourends,Andpurposesaremadetowhattheyare,Beforemyanswer!0,youequalgods,Whosejusticenotaworldofwolf-turn'dmenShallmakemetoaccuse,howe'erprovoked;HaveIforthissooftengagedmvself?

V

Stoodintheheatandfervourofafight,WhenPho3bussoonerhathforsookthedayThanIthefield,againsttheblue-eyedGauls.AndcrispedGermans?whenourRomaneaglesHavefann'dthefire,withtheirlabouringwings,Andnoblowdealt,thatleftnotdeathbehindit?WhenIhavecharged,alone,intothetroopsOfcurl'dSicambrians,2routedthem,andcame

'Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.7n.ImmissusqueVarroconsul.;t:ipatcrnasinimicitiasobtendens,odiidedecussuumgratificabatur.

1PopuliGerm,hodieGddriinHd-icasnntinter.M".-,.mi<-tKhrnum,quoscelebratM'-rt.Sp^c.v

Crinilm.-,innodumt»rtisvenereSicarnbri.

Notoff,withbackwardensignsofaslave;

Butforwardmarks,woundsonmybreastandface,

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Weremeanttothee,OCaesar,andthyRome'?

AndhaveIthisreturn!didI,forthis,

Performsonobleandsobravedefeat

OnSacrovir!OJove,letitbecomeme

Toboastmydeeds,whenhewhomtheyconcern,

Shallthusforgetthem.

Afcr.Silius,Silius,

Thesearethecommoncustomsofthyblood,Whenitishighwithwine,asnowwithrage:Thiswellagreeswiththatintemperatevaunt,Thoulatelymad'st*atAgrippina'stable,That,whenallotherofthetroopswereproneTofallintorebellion,onlythineRemain'dintheirobedience.ThouwertheThatsavedtheempire,whichhadthenbeenlostHadbutthylegions,there,rebell'd,ormutined;Thyvirtuemet,andfrontedeveryperil.Thougav'sttoCaesar,andtoRometheirsurety;Theirname,theirstrength,theirspirit,andtheirstate,Theirbeingwasadonativefromthee.

Arr.Wellworded,andmostlikeanorator.

Tib.Isthistrue,Silius?

Sil.Savethyquestion,Caesar;Thyspyoffamouscredithathaffirm'dit.

Arr.ExcellentRoman!

Sab.Hedothanswerstoutly.

Sej.Ifthisbeso,thereneedsnofarthercauseOfcrimeagainsthim.

Var.WhatcanmoreimpeachTheroyaldignityandstateofCaesar,ThantobeurgedwithabenefitHecannotpay?

Cot.Inthis,allCaesar'sfortuneIsmadeunequaltothecourtesy.

Lat.Hiemeansarecleandestroyedthatshouldrequite.

Gal.NothingisgreatenoughforSilius'merit.

Arr.Gallusonthatsidetoo![A-tide.

Sil.Come,donothunt,Andlaboursoaboutforcircumstance,Tomakehimguiltywhomyouhaveforedoom'd:Takeshorterways,I'llmeetyourpurposes.Thewordsweremine,andmoreInowwillsay:SinceIhavedonetheethatgreatservice,Caesar,Thoustillhastfear'dme;andinplaceofgrace,Return'dmehatred:sosoonallbestturns,Withdoubtfulprinces,turndeep

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injuries1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.79.

Inestimation,whentheygreaterrise

Thancanbeanswer'd.Benefits,withyou,

Areofnolongerpleasure,thanyoucan

Witheaserestorethem;thattranscendedonce,

Yourstudiesarenothowtothank,butkill.

Itisyournature,tohaveallmenslaves

Toyou,butyouacknowledgingtonone.

Themeansthatmakeyourgreatness,mustnotcome

Inmentionofit;ifitdo,ittakes

Somuchaway,youthink:andthatwhichhelp'd,

Shallsoonestperish,ifitstandineye,

Whereitmayfront,orbutupbraidthehigh.

Cot.Sufferhimspeaknomore.

Far.Notebuthisspirit.

Afer.Thisshewshimintherest.

Lai.Lethimbecensured.

Sej.HehathspokeenoughtoprovehimCresar'sfoe.

Cot.Histhoughtslookthroughhiswords.

Sej.Acensure.

Sil.Stay,

Stay,mostofficioussenate,IshallstraightDeludethyfury.SiliushathnotplacedHisguardswithinhim,againstfortune'sspito,Soweakly,buthecanescapeyourgripeThatarebuthandsoffortune:sheherself,Whenvirtuedothoppose,mustloseherthreats.Allthatcanhappeninhumanity,ThefrownofCaesar,proudSejanus'hatred,BaseVarro'sspleen,andAfer'sbloodyingtongue,Thesenate'sservileflattery,andtheseMuster'dtokill,I'mfortifiedagainst;Andcanlookdownupon:theyarebeneathme.ItisnotlifewhereofIstandenamour'd;Xorshallmyendmakemeaccusemyfate.Thecowardandthevaliantmanmustfall,Onlythecauseandmannerhow,discernsthem:Whichthenaregladdest,whentheycost

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U3ucurejt.Romans,ifanyherebeinthissenate,WouldknowtomockTiberius'tyranny,LookuponSilius,andsolearntodie.[Stabshimsilf.

Var.Odesperateact!

Arr.Anhonourablehand!

Tib.Look,ishedead?

Sab.'Twasnoblystruck,andhome.

Arr.Mythoughtdidprompthimtoit.Farewell,Silius,Befamouseverforthygreatexample.

Tib.Wearenotpleasedinthissadaccident,Thatthushathstalled,andabusedourmeny,Intendedtopreservethee,nobleRoman,

Andtopreventthyhopes.

Arr.Excellentwolf!Nowheisfullhehowls.[Aside.

Sej.CaesardothwrongHisdignityandsafetythustomournThedeserv'dendofsoprofestatraitor,Anddoth,bythishislenity,instructOthersasfactioustothelikeoffence.

Tib.TheconfiscationmerelyofhisstateHadbeenenough.

Arr.O,thatwasgapedforthen?[Aside.

Var.Removethebody.

Sej.LetcitationGooutforSosia.

Gal.Letherbeproscribed:Andforthegoods,IthinkitfitthathalfGotothetreasure,halfuntothechildren.

Lep.WithleaveofCaesar,Iwouldthinkthatfourth,Thewhichthelawdothcastontheinformers,Shouldbeenough;therestgotothechildren.Whereintheprinceshallshewhumanity,Andbounty;nottoforcethembytheirwant,Whichintheirparents'trespasstheydeserv'd,Totakeillcourses.

Tib.Itshallpleaseus.

Arr.Ay,

Outofnecessity.ThislLepidusIsgraveandhonest,andIhaveobservedAmoderationstillinallhiscensures.

Sab.AndbendingtothebetterStay,who'sthis?

EnterSATRIUSandNATTA,withCREMUTIUSCORDUSguarded.CremutiusCordus!What!

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ishebroughtin?

Arr.Morebloodintothebanquet!NobleCordus,2Iwishtheegood:beasthywritings,free,Andhonest.

Tib.Whatishe?

Sej.FortheAnnals,Caesar.

Free.CremutiusCordus!

Cor.Here.

Free.SatriusSecundus,PinnariusNatta,youarehisaccusers.

Arr.TwoofSejanus'blood-hounds,whomhebreedsWithhumanflesh,tobayatcitizens.

Afer.Standforthbeforethesenate,andconfronthim.

Sat.Idoaccusetheehere,CremutiusCordus,Tobeamanfactiousanddangerous,Asowerofseditioninthestate,

1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.80.1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.83,84.Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Ivii.p.710.

Aturbulentanddiscontentedspirit,

WhichIwillprovefromthineownwritings,hero,

TheAnnalsthouhastpublish'd;wherethoubitot

Thepresentage,andwithaviper'stooth,

Beingamemberofit,dar'stthatill

Whichneveryetdegenerousbastarddid

Uponhisparent.

Xat.Tothis,Isubscribe;

And,forthaworldofmoreparticulars,

Instanceinonlyone:comparingmen,

Andtimes,thoupraisestBrutus,andaffirrn'st

ThatCassiuswasthelastofalltheRomans.Cot.How!whatarewethen?Far.WhatisCaesar?nothing?Afer.Mylords,thisstrikesateveryRoman'sprivate,

Tnwhomreignsgentry,andestateofspirit,

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TohaveaBrutusbroughtinparallel,

Aparricide,anenemyofhiscountry,

Rank'd,andpreferr'dtoanyrealworth

ThatRomenowholds.Thisismoststrangely'invective,

Mostfullofspite,andinsolentupbraiding.

Noris'tthetimealoneisheredisprised,

Butthewholemanoftime,yea,Caesar'sself

Broughtindisvalue;andheaimedatmost,

Byobliqueglanceofhislicentiouspen.

Cifisar,ifCassiuswerethelastofRomans,

Thouhastnoname.

Tib.Let'shearhimanswer.Silence!Cor.SoinnocentIamoffact,mylords,Asbutmywordsareargued:yetthosewordsNotreachingeitherprinceorprince'sparent:Thewhichyourlawoftreasoncomprehends.^BrutusandCassiusIamchargedtohaveprnisorl;Whosedeeds,whenmanymore,besidesmysi-lf,Havewrit,notonehathmention'dwithouthonour.GreatTitusLivius,greatforeloquence,Andfaithamongstus,inhishistory,WithsogreatpraisesPompeydidextol,1AsoftAugu-'tuscall'dhimaPompeian:Yetthisnothurttheirfriendship.InhisbookHeoftennamesScipio,Afranius,Yea,thesameCassius,andthisBrutustoo,Asworthiestmen;notthievesandparricide,Whichnotesupontheirfamesarenowim(io.MjJ.AsiniusPollio'swritingsquitethroughout(iivethemanoblememory;solM-ilaRonownMhisgeneralCassius:yetbothtlirsoLivedwithAtiinistus,fullofwealthandhonours.

1Septemdec.lib.Hist,scrii^it.vid.Suid.Snt.

ToCicero'sbook,whereCatowasheav'dup

EqualwithHeaven,whatelsedidCsesaranswer,

Beingthendictator,butwithapenn'doration,

Asifbeforethejudges?Dobutsee

Antonius'letters;readbutBrutus'pleadings:

WhatvilereproachtheyholdagainstAugustus,

False,Iconfess,butwithmuchbitterness.

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TheepigramsofBibaculusandCatullus

Areread,fullstuftwithspiteofboththeCaesars;

YetdeifiedJulius,andnolessAugustus,

Bothborethem,andcontemn'dthem:Inotknow,

Promptlytospeakit,whetherdonewithmore

Temper,orwisdom;forsuchobloquies

Iftheydespisedbe,theydiesupprest;

Butifwithrageacknowledg'd,theyareconfest.

TheGreeksIslip,whoselicensenotalone,

Butalsolustdidscapeunpunished:

Orwheresomeone,bychance,exceptiontook,

Hewordswithwordsrevenged.But,inmywork,

Whatcouldbeaim'dmorefree,orfartheroff

Fromthetime'sscandal,thantowriteofthose,

Whomdeathfromgraceorhatredhadexempted?

DidI,withBrutusandwithCassius,

Arm'd,andpossess'dofthePhilippifields,

Incensethepeopleinthecivilcause,

Withdangerousspeeches?Ordothey,beingslain

Seventyyearssince,asbytheirimages,

Whichnottheconquerorhathdefaced,appears,

Retainthatguiltymemorywithwriters?

Posteritypayseverymanhishonour;

Norshalltherewant,thoughIcondemnedam,

ThatwillnotonlyCassiuswellapprove,

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AndofgreatBrutus'honourmindfulbe,

Butthatwillalsomentionmakeofme.

Arr.Freelyandnoblyspoken!

Sab.Withgoodtemper;Ilikehim,thatheisnotmovedwithpassion.

Arr.Heputsthemtotheirwhisper.

Tib.Takehimhence;lWTeshalldetermineofhimatnextsitting.

[Exeunt,OfficerswithCordus.

Cot.Meantime,giveorder,thathisbooksbeburnt,Tothesediles.

Sej.Youhavewelladvised.

Afer.ItfitsnotsuchlicentiousthingsshouldliveT'upbraidtheage.

Arr.Iftheageweregood,theymight.

1Egressusdeinsenatuvitamabstinentiafinivit.Tacit,ibid.Generosamjeusmortemvid.apudSen.Cons,adMarc.cap.22.

Lai.Letthembeburnt.

<i'il.Allsought,andburntto-day.

Free.Thecourtisup;lictors,resumethefnsros.

[ExeuntallbutArruntius,Sabinus,andLepidus.

Arr.Letthembeburnt!O,howridiculousAppearsthesenate'sbrainlessdiligence,Whothinktheycan,withpresentpower,extinguishThememoryofallsucceedingtimes!

Sab.'Tistrue;when,contrary,thepunishmentOfwit,dothmaketheauthorityincrease.Nordotheyaught,thatusethiscrueltyOfinterdiction,andthisrageofburning,Butpurchasetothemselvesrebukeandshame,Andtothewriterslaneternalname.

Lep.Itisanargumentthetimesaresore,Whenvirtuecannotsafelybeadvanced;Norvicereproved.

Arr.Ay,nobleLepidus;AugustuswellforesawwhatweshouldsufferUnderTiberius,whenhedidpronounceTheRomanracemostwretched,2thatshouldliveBetweensoslowjaws,andsolongabruising.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—ARoominthePalace.EnterTIBERIUSandSEJANUS.

Tib.Thisbusinesshathsucceededwell,Sejanus,Andquiteremovedalljealousyofpractice

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'GainstAgrippina,andournephews.Now,Wemustbethinkushowtoplantouringine,Forth'otherpair,SabinusandArruntius,AndCallus3too:howe'erheflatterus,Hisheartweknow.

Sej.Giveitsomerespite,Caesar.Timeshallmature,andbringtoperfectcrown,Whatwe,withsogoodvultureshavebegun:Sabinusshallbenext.

Tib.RatherArruntius.

Sej.Byanymeans,preservehim.TTi-fninkBeingletthereins,wouMtakeawayallthou-hbOfmalice,inyourcourseagainsttherest:Wemustkeephimtostalkwith.

Tib.Dearestln-a'l,TothymostfortunatedesignIyieldit.

1Mnnvnintpinslihrioccultatietrditi.Tncit.il>i<l.SrripsTnthisCremut.bellacivilia,etresAug.extantquefragmu.iamSuasuiiasrxiaSenec.

1Vi1.Suet.Tib.c.21.

1ViJ.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.6.Lib.ii.p.c~.

Scj.Sir,1—Ihavebeensolongtrain'dupingrace,Firstwithyourfather,greatAugustus;since,WithyourmosthappybountiessofamiliarAsInotsoonerwouldcommitmyhopesOrwishestothegods,thantoyourears.XorhaveIever,yet,beencovetouaOfover-brightanddazzlinghonour-;ratherTowatchandtravailingreatCaesar'ssafety,Withthemostcommonsoldier.

Tib.'Tisconfest.

Sej.Theonlygain,andwhichIcountmostfairOfallmyfortunes,is,thatmightyCaesarHasthoughtmeworthyhisalliance.2HenceBeginmyhopes.

Tib.Umph!

Sej.Ihaveheard,Augustus,Inthebestowingofhisdaughter,thoughtButevenofgentlemenofRome:ifso,—Iknownothowtohopesogreatafavour—ButifahusbandshouldbesoughtforLivia,AndIbehadinmind,asCaesar'sfriend,Iwouldbutusethegloryofthekindred:Itshouldnotmakemeslothful,orlesscaringForCaesar'sstate:itwereenoughtomeItdidconfirm,andstrengthenmyweakhouse,AgainstthenowunequaloppositionOfAgrippina;andfordearregardUntomychildren,thisIwish:myselfHavenoambitionfartherthantoendMvdavsinserviceofsodearamaster.

•>«/

Tib.Wecannotbutcommendthypiety,TJostlovedSejanus,inacknowledgingThosebounties;whichwe,faintly,suchremember—Buttothysuit.Therestofmortalmen,Inalltheirdriftsandcounsels,pursueprofit;Princesaloneareofadiiierentsort,Directingtheirmainactionsstilltofame:Wethereforewilltaketimetothinkandanswer.ForLiviashecanbest,herself,resolveIfshewillmarry,afterDrusus.orContinueinthefamily;besides,She

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hathamother,andagrandamyet,Whosenearercounselsshemayguideherby:ButIwillsimplydeal.ThatenmityThoufear'stinAgrippina,wouldburnmore,I"Livia'smarriageshould,as'twereinparts,Dividetheimperialhouse;anemulation

1T?.nt.Ann.Lib.iv.p.85.*FiiiaejusClaudiifiliodesponsa.

Betweenthewomenmightbreakforth:anddiscord

Ruinthesonsandnephewsonbothhands.

Whatifitcausesomepresentdifference?

Thouartnotsafe,Sejanus,ifthouproveit

Canstthoubelieve,thatLivia.firstthewife

ToCaiusCaesar.1thenmyDrusus.now

Willbecontentedtogrowoldwiththee,

BornbutaprivategentlemanofRome,

Andraisetheewithherloss,ifnothershamp?

OrsaythatIshouldwishit.canstthouthi.

Thesenate,orthepeople(whohaveseen

Herbrother,father,andourancestors,

Inhighestplaceofempire)willendureit?

Thestatethouhold'stalready,isintalk;

Menmurmuratthygreatness:andthenobles

Sticknot,inpublic,toupbraidthyclimbing

Aboveourfather'sfavours,orthyscale:

Anddareaccuseme,fromtheirhatetothee.

Bewise,dearfriend.Wewouldnothidethesethings

Forfriendship'sdearrespect:Xorwillwestand

Adversetothine,orLivia'sdesignments.

Whatwehavepurposedtothee,inourthoueht.

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Andwithwhatneardecreesoflovetobindthee,

Andmaketheeequaltous:forthepresent,

Wewillforbeartospeak.Onlythusmuch

Believe,ourlovedSejanus,wenotknow

Thatheightinbloodorhonour,whichthyvirtr.e

Andmindtous,maynotaspirewithmerit.

Andthiswe'llpublishonallwatch'doccasion

Thesenateorthepeopleshallpresent.

Sej.Iamrestored,andtomysenseagain,WhichIhadlostinthissoblindingsuit.Caesarhathtaughtmebettertorefuse,ThanIknewhowtoask.HowpleasethC^sar3TembracemylateadviceforleavingRome?

Tib.Weareresolved.

Sej.Herearesomemotivesmore,[£?Vc-<?himapaptr.

WhichIhavethoughtonsince,maymoreconfirm.

Tib.CarefulSejanus!wewillstraightrerusethem:Goforwardinourmaindesign,andproper.[Exit.

Sej.Ifthosebuttake.Ishall.Dull,heavyResar!Wmildstthoutellme,thyfavoursweremadeciAndthatmyfortuneswereesteem'dthyfaults,Thatthouformewerthated,andnotthinkIwouldwithwingedhastepreventthatchange,Whenthoumiirht'stwinalltothyselfagain,Byforfeitureofme!Didthosefondv.

1August,nepotietM.VapsaniiAsn-ippa?filioexJulia.1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.85,Dio.Lib.Iviii.

Flyswifterfromthylips,thanthismybrain,

Thissparklingforge,createdmeanarmour

T'encounterchanceandthee?Well,readmycharms,

Andmaytheylaythatholduponthysenses,

Asthouhadstsnuftuphemlock,orta'endown

Thejuiceofpoppyandofmandrakes.Sleep,

VoluptuousCaesar,andsecurity

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Seizeonthystupidpowers,andleavethemdead

Topubliccares;awakebuttothylusts,

Thestrengthofwhichmakesthylibidinoussoul

ItchtoleaveRome!andIhavethrustiton;

Withblamingofthecitybusiness,

Themultitudeofsuits,theconfluence

Ofsuitors;thentheirimportunacies,

Themanifolddistractionshemustsuffer,

Besidesill-rumours,envies,andreproaches,

Allwhichaquietandretiredlife,

Lardedwitheaseandpleasure,1didavoid:

Andyetforanyweightyandgreataffair,

Thefittestplacetogivethesoundestcounsels.

BythisIshallremovehimbothfromthought

Andknowledgeofhisownmostdearaffairs;

Drawalldispatchesthroughmyprivatehands;

Knowhisdesignments,andpursuemineown;

Makemineownstrengthsbygivingsuitsandplaces,

Conferringdignitiesandoffices;

Andthesethathatemenow,wantingaccess

Tohim,willmaketheirenvynone,orless:

Forwhentheyseemearbiterofall,

Theymustobserve;orelse,withCaesarfall.[Exit.

SCENEIII.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterTIBERIUS.

Tib.TomarryLivia!willnoless,Sejanus,Contentthyaim?nolowerobject?well!Thouknow'sthowthouartwroughtintoourtrust;Woveninourdesign;andthink'stwemustNow

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usethee,whatsoe'erthyprojectsare:'Tistrue.Butyetwithcautionandfitcare.And,nowwebetterthinkwho'stherewithin?

EnteranOfficer.

Off.Caesar!

Tib.Toleaveourjourneyoff,weresin'Gainstourdecreeddelights;andwouldappearDoubt;or,whatlessbecomesaprince,lowfear.Yetdoubthathlaw,andfearshavetheirexcuse.

1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.85.

Whereprinces'statespleadnecessaryuse;

Asoursdothnow:moreinSejanus'pride,

ThanallfellAgrippina'shatesbeside.

Thosearethedreadfulenemiesweraise

Withfavours,andmakedangerouswithpraise;

Theinjuredbyusmayhavewillalike,

But'tisthefavouritehaththepowertostrike;

Andfuryeverboilsmorehighandstrong,

Heatwithambition,thanrevengeofwrong.

'Tisthenapartofsupremeskill,tograce

Nomantoomuch;butholdacertainspace

Betweentheascender'srise,andthineownflat,

Lest,whenallroundsbereach'd,hisaimbethat.

'Tisthought.[Aside.]—IsMacrolinthepalace?see:

Ifnot,goseekhim,tocometous.[EritOffi.]—He

Mustbetheorganwemustworkbynow;

Thoughnonelessaptfortrust:needdothallow

Whatchoicewouldnot.Ihaveheardthataconite,

Beingtimelytaken,hathahealingmight

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Againstthescorpion'sstroke:theproofwe'llgive:

That,whiletwopoisonswrestle,wemaylive.

Hehathaspirittooworkingtobeused

Buttotheencounterofhislike;excused

Arewisersov'reignsthen,thatraiseoneill

Againstanother,andbothsafelykill:

Theprincethatfeedsgreatnatures,theywillswayhim;

Whonourishethalionmustobeyhim.—

Re-enterOfficer,withMACRO.

Macro,wesentforyou.

Mac.Iheardso,Caesar.

Tib.Leaveusawhile.[ExitOfficer.]—Whenyoushallknow,

goodMacro,

Thecausesofoursending,andtheends,Youwillthenhearkennearer;andbepleas'dYoustandsohighbothinourchoiceandtrust.

Mac.ThehumblestplaceinCaesar'schoiceortrust,MaymakegladMacroproud;withoutambition,SavetodoCa-sarservice.

Tib.Leaveyourcourting?;.Weareinpurpose,Macro,2todepartThecityforatime,andseeCampania;Notforourpleasures,buttodedicateApairoftemples,onetoJupiterAtCapua;th'otherat3Xula,toAugustus:

1DeMacroneisto,vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.lii.p.718,etTacit.AnnLib.vi.p.109,etc.

Suet.Tib.c.4.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.711.1Suet.Tib.c.43.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.91.

Inwhichgreatwork,perhapsourstaywillbe

Beyondourwillproduced.Nowsinceweara

Notignorantwhatdangermaybeborn

Outofourshortestabsenceinastate

Sosubjectuntoenvy,andembroil'd

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Withhateandfaction;wehavethoughtonthee,

AmongstafieldofRomans,worthiestMacro,

Tobeoureyeandear:tokeepstrictwatch

OnAgrippina,Nero,Drusus;ay,

AndonSejanus:notthatwedistrust

Hisloyalty,ordorepentonegrace

Ofallthatheapwehaveconferredonhim;

Forthatweretodisparageourelection,

Andcallthatjudgmentnowindoubt,whichthen

Seem'dasunquestion'dasanoracle—

But,greatnesshathhiscankers.Wormsandmoths

Breedoutoftoomuchhumour,inthethings

Whichaftertheyconsume,transferringquite

Thesubstanceoftheirmakersintothemselves.

Macroissharp,andapprehends:besides,

Iknowhimsubtle,close,wise,andwell-read

Inman,andhislargenature;hehathstudied

Affections,passions,knowstheirsprings,theirends,

Whichway,andwhethertheywillwork:'tisproof

Enoughofhisgreatmerit,thatwetrusthim.

Thentoapoint,becauseourconference

Cannotbelongwithoutsuspicion—

Here,Macro,weassignthee,bothtospy,

Inform,andchastise;think,andusethymeans,

Thyministers,what,where,onwhomthouwilt;

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Explore,plot,practise:allthoudostinthis

Shallbe,asifthesenate,orthelaws

Hadgivenitprivilege,andthouthencestyled

ThesaviourbothofCnesarandofRome.

Wewillnottakethyanswerbutinact:

Whereto,asthouproceed'st,wehopetohear

Bytrustedmessengers.If'tbeinquired,

Whereforewecall'dyou,sayyouhaveincharge

Toseeourchariotsready,andourhorse.—

Bestillourlovedand,shortly,honour'dMacro.[Exit.

Mac.Iwillnotask,whyCaesarbidsdothis;Butjoythathebidsme.1ItistheblissOfcourtstobeemploy'd,nomatterhow;Aprince'spowermakesallhisactionsvirtue.We,whomheworksby,aredumbinstruments,Todo,butnotinquire:hisgreatintentsAretobeserved,notsearch'd.Yet,asthatbowIsmostinhand,whoseownerbestdothknow1DeMacroneetingenioejus,cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.pp.114,115.

Toaffecthisaims;soletthatstatesmanhope

Mostuse,mostprice,canhithisprince'sscope.

Xormusthelookatwhat,orwhomtostrike,

Butlooseatall;eachmarkbealike.

Wereittoplotagainstthefame,thelife

Ofone,withwhomItwinn'd;removeawife

Frommywarmside,aslovedasistheair;

Practiseawayeachparent;drawmineheir

Incompass,thoughbutone;workallmykin

Toswiftperdition;leavenountrain'dengine,

Forfriendship,orforinnocence;nay,make

Thegodsallguilty;Iwouldundertake

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This,beingimposedme,bothwithgamandease:

Thewaytoriseistoobeyandplease.

Hethatwillthriveinstate,hemustneglect

Thetroddenpathsthattruthandrightrespect;

Andprovenew,wilderways:forvirtuethere

Isnotthatnarrowthing,sheiselsewhere;

Men'sfortunethereisvirtue;reasontheirwill;

Theirlicense,law;andtheirobservance,skill.

Occasionistheirfoil;conscience,theirstain;

Profittheirlustre;andwhatelseis,vain.

IfthenitbethelustofCaesar'spower,1

TohaveraisedSejanusup,andinanhour

O'erturnhim,tumblingdown,fromheightofall;

Wearehisreadyengine:andhisfall

Maybeourrise.Itisnouncouththing

Toseefreshbuildingsfromoldruinsspring.[Exit.

ACTIV

SCENEI.—AnApartmentinAGRIPPINA'SHouse.EnterGALLUSandAGRIPPINA.

Gal.Youmusthavepatience,2royalAgrippina.

Agy.Imusthavevengeance,first;andthatwerenectarUntomyfamish'dspirits.O,myfortune,Letitbesuddenthouprepar'stagainstme;StrikeallmypowersofunderstandingHind,Andignorantofdestinytocome!Letmenotfearthatcannothope.

Gal.Dearprincess,Thesetyranniesonyourself,arcworsethanCaesar's.

Agr.Isthisthehappinessof1icingborngreat?Stilltobeaim'dat?stilltobesuspected?

1VideDio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.718,etc.

2A-rippiiKisemperatrox,turnctpcnciil-ipropinquoaccensa.1Ann.Lib.iv.p.89.

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Tolivethesubjectofalljealousies?Atleastthecolourmade,ifnotthegroundToeverypainteddanger?whowouldnotChooseoncetofall,thanthustohangforever?

Gal.Youmightbesafeifyouwould—

Agr.What,myGallus!BelewdSejamis'strumpet,orthebawdToC?esar'slusts,henowisgonetopractise?Notthesearesafe,wherenothingis.Yourself,Whilethusyoustandbutbyme,arenotsafe.WTasSiliussafe?orthegoodSosiasafe?Orwasmyniece,dearClaudiaPulchra,1safe,OrinnocentFurnius?theythatlatesthave(Bybeingmadeguilty)addedreputation2ToAfer'seloquence?0,foolishfriends,Couldnotsofreshexamplewarnyourloves,ButyoumustbuymyfavourswiththatlossUntoyourselves;andwhenyoumightperceiveThatCaesar'scauseofragingmustforsakehim,Beforehiswill!Away,goodGallus,leaveme.Heretobeseen,isdanger;tospeak,treason:Todomeleastobservance,iscall'dfaction.Youareunhappyinme,andIinall.Wherearemysons,NeroandDrusus?WeAretheybeshotat;letusfallapart;Notinourruins,sepulchreourfriends.Orshallwedosomeactionlikeoffence,Tomocktheirstudiesthatwouldmakeusfaulty,Andfrustratepracticebypreventingit?Thedanger'slike:forwhattheycancontrive,Theywillmakegood.Noinnocenceissafe,Whenpowercontests:norcantheytrespassmore,Whoseonlybeingwasallcrimebefore.

EnterNERO,DRUSUS,andCALIGULA.

Ner.YouhearSejanusiscomebackfromCaesar?

Gal.No.How?disgraced?

Dm.Moregracednowthanever.

Gal.Bywhatmischance?

Cal.AfortunelikeenoughOncetobebad.

Dm.Butturn'dtoogoodtoboth.

Gal.Whatwas't?

Ner.Tiberius3sittingathismeat,Inafarm-housetheycallSpelunca,4sited

1PulchraetFurniusdamnat.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.89.8Aferprimoribusoratorumadditus,divulgatoingenio,etc.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.89.

8Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.91.*PraitoriumSuet,appellat.Tib.c.39.

TVthesea-side,amongtheFunclanehills,

Withinanaturalcave;partofthegrot,

Abouttheentry,fell,andoverwhehn'd

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Someofthewaiters;othersranaway:

OnlySejanuswithhisknees,hands,face,

O'erhangingCaesar,didopposehimself

Totheremainingruins,andwasfound

Inthatsolabouringposturebythesoldiers

Thatcametosuccourhim.Withwhichadventure,

Hehathsofix'dhimselfinCa?sar'strust,1

Asthundercannotmovehim,andiscome

WithalltheheightofCaesar'spraisetoRome.

Ayr.Andpower,toturnthoseruinsallonus;Andburywholeposteritiesbeneaththem.Njro,andDrusus,andCaligula,Yourplacesarethenext,andthereforemostIntheiroffence.Thinkonyourbirthandblood,Awakeyourspirits,meettheirviolence;'Tisprincelywhenatyrantdothoppose,AndisafortunesenttoexerciseYourvirtue,asthewinddothtrystrongtrees,Whobyvexationgrowmoresoundandfirm.Afteryourfather'sfall,anduncle'sfate,Whatcanyouhope,butallthechangeofstrokeThatforceorsleightcangive?thenstandupright;Andthoughyoudonotact,yetsuffernobly:Beworthyofmywomb,andtakestrongchear;Whatwedoknowwillcome,weshouldnotfear.[Ercunt.

SCENEII.—TheStreet.EnterMACRO.

Mac.Return'dsosoon!renew'dintrustandgrace!IsCaesarthensoweak,orhaththeplaceButwroughtthisalterationwiththeair;Andhe,onnextremove,willallrepair?Macro,thouartengaged:andwhatbeforeWaspublic;now,mustbethyprivate,more.ThewealofCajsar,fitnessdidimply;ButthineownfateconfersnecessityOnthyemployment;andthethoughtsbornnomv,tUntoourselves,moveswifteststill,anddeaiv.-L.Ifherecover,thouartlost;ya,allTheweightofpreparationtohisfallWillturnonthee,andcrushthre:thereforestrikeBeforehesettle,topreventthelikerponthyself.Hedothhisvantageknow,Thatmakesithome,andgivestheforemostblow.[Exit.

1Pracbuitqueipsimateriemcuramicito;coustauti,uqueScjanifideret.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.91.

SCENETIT.—AnupperRoomofAGRTPPTNA'SHouse.EnterLATIAEIS,Rcrus,andOPSIUS.

Lai.Itisaservice*lordSejanuswillSeewellrequited,andacceptofnobly.Hereplaceyourselfbetweentheroofandceiling;AndwhenIbringhimtohiswordsofdanger,Reveal}Tourselves,andtakehim.

Ruf.Ishecome?

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Lat.I'llnowgofetchhim.[Exit.

Ops.Withgoodspeed.—IlongTomeritfromthestateinsuchanaction.

Ruf.Ihope,itwillobtaintheconsulshipForoneofus.

Ops.Wecannotthinkofless,TobringinonesodangerousasSabinus.

huf.HewasafollowerofGermanicus,AndstillisanobserverofhiswifeAndchildren,2thoughtheybedeclinedingraceAdailyvisitant,keepsthemcompanyInprivateandinpublic,andisnotedTobetheonlyclientofthehouse:PrayJove,hewillbefreetoLatiaris.

Ops.He'salliedtohim,anddothtrusthimwell.

Ruf.Andhe'llrequitehistrust!

Ops.TodoanofficeSogratefultothestate,IknownomanButwouldstrainnearerbands,thankindred—

Ruf.List!Ihearthemcome.

Ops.Shifttoourholes3withsilenc[Theyretire.

Re-enterLATIAKISandSABINUS.

Lat.ItisanobleconstancyyoushewTothisafflictedhouse;thatnotlikeothers,Thefriendsofseason,youdofollowfortune,And,inthewinteroftheirfate,forsakeTheplacewhoseglorieswarrn'dyou.Youarejust,Andworthysuchaprincelypatron'slove,Aswastheworld'srenown'dGermanicus:WhoseamplemeritwhenIcalltothought,Andseehiswifeandissue,objectsmadeTosomuchenvy,jealousy,andhate;

1Sabinumaggrediunturcupidineconsulatus,adquernnonnisiperSejanumaditus,nequeSejanivoluntasnisiscelerequsrebatur.Tacit.Lib.iv.p.94.Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.711.

*Eoqueapudbonoslaudatns,etgravisiniquis.Tacit.Lib.iv.p.94.

3Haudminusturpilatebraquamdetestandafraude,seseabstrudunt;foraminibusetriniisauremadmovent.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.c.69.

Itmake?mereadytoaccusethegodsOfnegligence,asmenoftyranny.

Sab.Theymustbepatient,somustwo.

Lai.OJove,

Whatwillbecomeofusorofthetimes,When,tobehighornoble,aremadecrimes,Whenlandandtreasurearemostdangerous

Sab.Nay,whenourtable,yeaourbed,1assaultsOurpeaceandsafety1whenourwritings

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are,Byanyenviousinstruments,thatdareApplythemtotheguilty,madetospeakWhattheywillhavetofittheirtyrannouswreak?Whenignoranceisscarcelyinnocence;Andknowledgemadeacapitaloffence?Whennotsomuch,butthebareemptyshadeOflibertyisreftus;andwemadeThepreytogreedyvulturesandvilespies,Thatfirsttransfixuswiththeirmurderingeyes.

Lai.MethinksthegeniusoftheRomanraceShouldnotbesoextinct,butthatbrightflameOflibertymightberevivedagain,(Whichnogoodmanbutwithhislifeshouldlose)Andwenotsitlikespentandpatientfools,Stillpuffinginthedarkatonepoorcoal,Heldonbyhopetillthelastsparkisout.Thecauseispublic,andthehonour,name,Theimmortalityofeverysoul,ThatisnotbastardoraslaveinRome,Thereinconcern'd:whereto,ifmenwouldchangeTheweariedarm,andfortheweightyshieldSolongsustain'd,employthefacilesword,Wemightsoonhaveassuranceofourvows.Thisass'sfortitudedothtireusall:ItmustbeactivevalourmustredeemOurloss,ornone.TherockandourhardsteelShouldmeettoenforcethosegloriousfiresagain,Whosesplendourcheer'dtheworld,andheatgavelife,Nolessthandoththesun's.

Sab.'TwerebetterstayInlastingdarkness,anddespairofday.NoillshouldforcethesubjectundertakeAgainstthesovereign,morethanhellsluMiMmakeThegodsdowrong.AgoodmanshouldandmustSitratherdownwithloss,thanriseunjust.Though,whentheRomansfirstdidyieldthfrnselvesTooneman'spower,theydidnotmeantheirlives,Theirfortunesandtheirliberties,shouldbe

1Xenoxquidemsecura,cumux^r(NVronisivipilUs,s-tmnos,smpiriamatriLivia,atqueiliaSejanopatefac-ret.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.92.

Hisabsolutespoil,aspurchasedbythesword.

Lat.Whyweareworse,iftobeslaves,andbondToCaesar'sslavebesuch,theproudSejanus!Hethatisall,doesall,givesCaesarleaveTohidehisulcerousandanointedface,1WithhisbaldcrownatRhodes,2whileheherestalksUpontheheadsofRomans,andtheirprinces,Familiarlytoempire.

Sab.Nowyoutouch

Apointindeed,wiiereinheshewshisart,Aswellaspower.

Lat,Andvillainyinboth.DoyouobservewhereLivialodges?howDrususcamedead?whatmenhavebeencutoff?

Sab.Yes,thosearethingsremoved:Inearerlook'dIntohislaterpractice,wherehestandsDeclaredamasterinhismystery.First,ereTiberiuswent,hewroughthisfearTothinkthatAgrippinasoughthisdeath.Thenputthosedoubtsinher;sentheroftword,Undertheshowoffriendship,tobewareOfCaesar,forhelaidtopoison3her:Dravethemtofrowns,tomutualjealousies,Which,now,invisiblehatredareburstout.Since,hehathhadhishiredinstrumentsTowork4onNero,andtoheavehimup;TotellhimCaesar'sold,thatallthepeople,Yea,allthearmyhavetheireyesonhim;ThatbothdolongtohavehimundertakeSomethingofworth,togivetheworldahope;Bidshimtocourttheirgrace:theeasyyouth

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Perhapsgivesear,whichstraighthewritestoCaesar;Andwiththiscomment:Seeyondangerousboy;Notebutthepracticeofthemother,there;She'styinghimforpurposesathand,Withmenofsword.Here'sCaesarputinfright'Gainstsonandmother.Yet,heleavesnotthus.Thesecondbrother,Drusus,afiercenature,Andfitterforhissnares,becauseambitiousAndfullofenvy,him5neclaspsandhugs,Poisonswithpraise,tellshimwhatheartshewears,Howbrighthestandsinpopularexpectance;ThatRomedothsufferwithhiminthewrongHismotherdoeshim,bypreferringNero:

1Faciesulcerosaacplerumquemedicaminibusinterstincta.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.91.

Tacit,ibid.EtRhodisecreto,vitareccetus,reconderevoluptatesinsuerat.

JTacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.90.*Tacit.Lib.eod.pp.91,92.

5Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.pp.91,92.

Thusgetshethemasunder,each'gainstother,Projectsthecoursethatserveshimtocondemn,Keepsinopinionofafriendtoall,Andalldrivesontoruin.

Lai.Caesarsleeps,Andnodsatthis.

Sab.Wouldhemiehteversleep,Bogg'dinhisfilthylusts![OpsiusandRufusrushin.

Ops.TreasontoCaesar!

Ruf.Layhandsuponthetraitor,Latiaris,Ortakethenamethyself.

Lot.IamforCsesar.

Sab.AmIthencatch'd?

Rttf.Howthinkyou,sir?youare.

Sab.Spiesofthishead,sowhite,sofullofyears!Well,mymostreverendmonsters,youmayliveToseeyourselvesthussnared.

Ops.Awaywithhim!

Lai.Halehimaway.

Ruf.Tobeaspyfortraitors,Ishonourablevigilance.

Sab.Youdowell,1

Mymostofficiousinstrumentsofstate;Menofalluses:dragmehence,away.Theyeariswellbegun,andIfallfitTobeanofferingtoSejanus.Go!

Ops.Coverhimwithhisgarments,hidehisfare.

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Sab.Itshallnotneed.Forbearyourrudeassault.Thefault'snotshameful,villainymakesafault.[Exeunt.

SCENEl\.—TheStreetbeforeAGRIPPINA'SHowe.EnterMACROandCALIGULA.

Mac.Sir,butobservehowthickyourdanger?meetInhiscleardrifts!yourmotherandyourbrotheis,-Nowcitedtothesenate;theirfriendGallus,3Feastedto-daybyCa?sar,sincecommitted1Sabinusherewemet,hurriedtofetters:Thesenatorsallstrookwithfearandsilence,Savethosewhosehopesdependnotongoodmeans,Butforcetheirprivatepreyfrompublicspoil.Andyoumustknow,ifhereyoustay,yourstateIssuretobethesubjectofhishate,Asnowtheobject.

Cdl.Whatwouldyouadviseme?

Mac.TogoforCapreoepresently;andthere

1Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.pp.94,95.*Tacit.Ann.Lib.v.p.o^.

1A?iniumGal.eodemdieetconvivamTiberiifuisseeteosubornantedamuatumnarratDio.Lib.Iviii.p.713.

Giveupyourselfentirelytoyouruncle.TellCaesar(sinceyourlmotherisaccusedToflyforsuccourstoAugustus'statue,Andtothearmywithyourbrethren)youHaveratherchosetoplaceyouraidsinhim,Thanlivesuspected;orinhourlyfearTobethrustout,byboldSejanus'plots:Which,youshallconfidentlyurgetobeMostfullofperiltothestate,andCsesar,Asbeinglaidtohispeculiarends,Andnottobeletrunwithcommonsafety.Allwhich,uponthesecond,I'llmakeplain,SobothshallloveandtrustwithCaesargain.

Cat.Awaythen,let'sprepareusforourjourney.[Exeunt,

SCENEV.—AnotherpartoftheStreet.EnterARRUNTIUS.

Arr.Stilldostthousuffer,heaven!willnoflame,Xoheatofsin,makethyjustwrathtoboilInthydistemper'dbosom,ando'erflowThepitchyblazesofimpiety,

Kindledbeneaththythrone!Stillcanstthousleep,Patient,whilevicedothmakeanantickfaceAtthydreadpower,andblowdustandsmokeIntothynostrils!Jove!willnothingwakethee?MustvileSejanuspulltheebythebeard,Erethouwiltopenthyblack-liddedeye,Andlookhimdead?Well!snoreon,dreaminggods,Andletthislastofthatproudgiant-raceHeavemountainuponmountain,'gainstyourstate—Begooduntome,Fortuneandyoupowers,WhomI,expostulating,haveprofaned;Iseewhat'sequalwithaprodigy,Agreat,anobleRoman,andanhonest,Liveanoldman!—

EnterLEPIDTJS.

OMarcusLepidus,2

Whenisourturntobleed?ThyselfandI,Withoutourboast,arealmostailthefewLefttobehonestintheseimpioustimes.

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Lep.Whatwearelefttobe,wewillbe,Lucius;Thoughtyrannydidstareaswideasdeath,

1Vid.Tacit.Lib.v.p.94.Suet.Tib.c.53.

DeLepidoistovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.6.Lib.iii.pp.60,65,etLib.iv.Vp.81.

Tofrightusfromit.

Arr.'ThathsoonSabinus.

Lep.IsawhimnowdrawnfromtheOemonies,1And,whatincreasedthedirenessofthefact,Hisfaithfuldog,2upbraidingallusRomans,Neverforsookthecorps,but,seeingitthrownIntothestream,leap'din,anddrown'dwithit.

Arr.Oact,tobeenviedhimofusmen!Wearethenextthehooklaysholdon,Marcus:Whatarethyarts,goodpatriot,teachthemme,Thathavepreservedthyhairstothiswhitedye,AndkeptsoreverendandsodearaheadSafeonhiscomelyshoulders?

Lep.Arts,Arruntius!

None,3buttheplainandpassivefortitude,Tosufferandbesilent;neverstretchThesearmsagainstthetorrent;liveathome,Withmyownthoughts,andinnocenceaboutme,Nottemptingthewolves'jaws:thesearemyarts.

Arr.Iwouldbegintostudy'em,ifIthoughtTheywouldsecureme.MayIpraytoJoveInsecretandbesafe?ay,oraloud,Withopenwishes,soIdonotmentionTiberiusorSejanus?yes,Imust,IfIspeakout.'Tishardthat.MayIthink,Andnotberack'd?Whatdangeris'ttodream,Talkinone'ssleep,orcough?Whoknowsthelaw?MayIshakemyheadwithoutacomment?sayItrains,oritholdsup,andnotbethrownUpontheGemonies?Thesenowarethings,Whereonmen'sfortune,yea,theirfaithdepends.Nothinghathprivilege'gainsttheviolentear.Noplace,noday,nohour,wesee,isfree,Notourreligiousandmostsacredtimes,Fromsomeonekindofcruelty:allmatterNay,alloccasionpleaseth.Madmen'srage,Theidlenessofdrunkards,women'snothing,Jester'ssimplicity,all,allisgoodThatcanbecatchtat.NorisnowtheeventOfanyperson,orforanycrime,Tobeexpected;for'tisalwayson^:Death,withsomelittledifferenceofplace,Ortime—-What'sthis?PrinceXero,guarded!

1ScalaeGemoniaefueruntinAventino,propetemplmnJunonisaCamillocaptisyeiisdicaturn;aplanctuetgrniitudictasvultRhodig.Inquascontumdiaecausacadav.-ra]>r<>|Vcta;aliquandoacarnificeuncotrahebantur.Vid.Tac.Su<-t.Di'>.SCM-T.Juvu.il.

1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.712.l.tLicit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.9^.

'Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.80.

EnterLACOlandNERO,withGuards.

Lac.On,lictors,keepyourway.Mylords,forbear.OnpainofCaesar'swrath,nomanattemptSpeechwiththeprisoner.

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Nero.Noblefriends,besafe;

Toloseyourselvesforwords,wereasvainhazard,Asuntomesmallcomfort:fareyouwell.WouldallRome'ssufferingsinmyfatediddwell!

Lac.Lictors,away.

Lep.Wheregoeshe,Laco?

Lac.Sir,He'sbanish'dintoPontia2bythesenate.

Arr.DoIsee,hear,andfeel?MayItrustsense,Ordothmyphant'sieformit?

Lep.WThere'shisbrother?

Lac.Drusus3isprisonerinthepalace.

Arr.Ha!Ismellitnow:'tisrank.Where'sAgrippina?

Lac.TheprincessisconfinedtoPandataria.4

Arr.Bolts,Vulcan;boltsforJove!Phoebus,thybow;SternMars,thysword:and,blue-ey'dmaid,thyspear;Thyclub,Alcides:allthearmouryOfheavenistoolittle!—Ha!—toguardThegods,Imeant.Fine,raredispatch!thissameWasswiftlyborn!Confined,imprison'd,banish'd?Mosttripartite!thecause,sir?

Lac.Treason.

Arr.O!

Thecomplement5ofallaccusings!thatWillhit,whenallelsefails.

Lep.Thisturnisstrange!Butyesterdaythepeoplewouldnothear,Farlessobjected,butcried6Caesar'slettersWerefalseandforged;thatalltheseplotsweremalice;Andthattheruinoftheprince'shouseWaspractised'gainsthisknowledge.WherearenowTheirvoices,now,thattheybeholdhisheirsLock'dup,disgraced,ledintoexile?

Arr.Hush'd,

Drown'dintheirbellies.WildSejanus'breathHath,likeawhirlwind,scatter'dthatpoordust,Withthisrudeblast.—We'lltalknotreason,sir,[TurnstoLacoIfthatbeityoustandfor.Fareyouwell.andtherest.

Wehavenoneedofhorse-leeches.Goodspy,Nowyouarespied,begone.[ExeuntLaco,Nero,andGuards.

1DeLacon.vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.

*Suet.Tib.c.54.3Suetibid.«Suet.ibid.

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•Tacit.Ann.Lib.iii.p.62.6Tacit.Lib.v.p.98.

Lep.Ifearyouwronghim:HehasthevoicetobeanhonestRoman.

Arr.Andtrustedtothisoffice!Lepidus,I'dsoonertrustGreekSinon,thanamanOurstateemploys.He'sgone:andbeinggone,Idaretellyou,whomIdarebettertrust,Thatournight-eyedTiberiusldothnotseeHisminion'sdrifts;or,ifhedo,he'snotSoarrantsubtile,aswefoolsdotakehim;Tobreedamungrelup,inhisownhouse,Withhisownblood,and,ifthegoodgodsplease,Athisownthroat,fleshhim,totakealeap.Idonotbegit,heaven;butifthefatesGrantittheseeyes,theymustnotwink.

Lep.TheymustNotseeit,Lucius.

Arr.Whoshouldletthem?

Lep.7eal,Andduty:withthethoughtheisourprince.

Arr.Heisourmonster:forfeitedtoviceSofar,asnorack'dvirtuecanredeemhim.Hisloathedperson2foulerthanallcrimes:Anemperor,onlyinhislusts.Retired,Fromallregardofhisownfame,orRome's,Intoanobscureisland;3wherehelivesActinghistragedieswithacomicface,AmidsthisrouteofChaldees:4spendinghours,Days,weeks,andmonths,intheunkindabuseOfgraveastrology,tothebaneofmen,Castingthescopeofmen'snativities,Andhavingfoundaughtworthyintheirfortune,Kill,orprecipitatetheminthesea,Andboast,hecanmockfate.Nay,musenot:thesoArefarfromendsofevil,scarcedegrees.Hehathhisslaughter-houseatCapreae;Wherehedothstudymurder,asanart;Andtheyaredearestinhisgrace,thatcanDevisethedeepesttortures.Thither,too,Hehathhisboys,andbeauteousgirlsta'enupOutofournoblesthouses,thebestform'd.Bestnurtured,andmostmodest;what'stheirjjo-vl.Servestoprovokehisbad.Someareallured,5Somethreaten'd;others,bytheirfriendsdetained,

1TiberiusinU-nebrisvideret;testibusDio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviip.,:litPlin.Nat.Hist.Lib.ii.c.37.

1Cons.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.91.(Juv.Sat.4.)

'Vid.Sm-t.Tib.desecessuCaprnisi,c.43.Dio.p.715.Jnv.Sat.10.

•Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.p.106.Din.Ruin.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.;o(>.Suet.Tibc.62,etc.,44.

1Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.p.100.Suet.Tib.c.43.

Areravish'dhence,likecaptives,and,insight

Oftheirmostgrievedparents,dealtaway

Untohisspintries,sellaries,andslaves,

Mastersofstrangeandnewcommentedlusts,

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Forwhichwisenaturehathnotleftaname.

Tothis(whatmoststrikesus,andbleedingRome)

Heis,withallhiscraft,becomeltheward

Tohisownvassal,astalecatamite:

Whomhe,uponourlowandsufferingnecks,

Hathraisedfromexcrementtosidethegods,

AndhavehispropersacrificeinRome:

WhichJovebeholds,andyetwillsoonerrive

Asenselessoakwiththunderthanhistrunk!—

Re-enterLACO,2withPOMPONIUSandMINUTIUS.

Lac.Theseletters3makemendoubtfulwhatt'expect,Whetherhiscoming,orhisdeath.

Pom.Troth,both:Andwhichcomessoonest,thankthegodsfor.

Arr.List!TheirtalkisCassar;Iwouldhearallvoices.

[Arrunt.andLepidusstandaside.

31in.Oneday,4he'swell;andwillreturntoRome;Thenextday,sick;andknowsnotwhentohopeit.

Lac.True;andto-day,oneofSejanus'friendsHonour'dbyspecialwrit;andonthemorrowAnotherpunish'd—

Pom.Bymorespecialwrit.

Min.Thisman5receiveshispraisesofSejanus,Asecondbutslightmention,athirdnone,Afourthrebukes:andthusheleavesthesenateDividedandsuspended,alluncertain.

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Lac.Theseforkedtricks,Iunderstandthemnot:Wouldhewouldtelluswhomhelovesorhates,Thatwemightfollow,withoutfearordoubt.

Arr.GoodHeliotrope!Isthisyourhonestman?Lethimbeyourssostill;heismyknave.

Pom.Icannottell,Sejanusstillgoeson,Andmounts,wesee;6newstatuesareadvanced,Freshleavesoftitles,largeinscriptionsread,Hisfortuneswornby,7himselfnewgoneoutCaesar's8colleagueinthefifthconsulship;

1Leg.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.714.

*DePomponioetMinutiovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.8Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.716.

4Dio.ibid.*Dio.ibid.

•Leg.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.96.

7AdulationispleniomnesejusFortunamjurabant.Dio.Kist.RoraLin.Iviii.p.714.

8Dio.p.714.Suet.Tib.c.6^.

Morealtarssmoketohimthanallthegods:Whatwouldwemore?

Arr.Thatthedearsmokewouldchokehim,ThatwouldImore.

Lep.Peace,goodArruntius.

Lai.Butthereareletterslcome,theysay,ev'nnow,Whichdoforbidthatlast.

Min.Doyouhearso?

Lac.Yes.

Pom.ByCastor,that'stheworst.

Arr.ByPollux,best.

Min.Ididnotlikethesign,whenRegulus,2WhomallweknownofrienduntoSejanus,Did,byTiberius'soprecisecommand,Succeedafellowintheconsulship:Itbodedsomewhat.

Pom.Xotamote.Hispartner,3FulciniusTrio,ishisown,andsure.—HereconiesTerentius.

EnterTEREXTIUS.

Hecangiveusmort>.

[TheywhisperwithTerentius.Lep.I'llne'erbelieve,butCaesarhathsomescentOfboldSejanus'footing.4ThesecrosspointsOfvaryingletters,andopposingconsuls,Minglinghishonoursandhispunishments,Feigningnowill,nowwell,5raisingSejanus,Andthen

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depressinghim,asnowoflateInallreportswehaveit,cannotbeEmptyofpractice:'tisTiberius'art.Forhavingfoundhisfavouritegrowntoogreat,Andwithhisgreatness6strong;thatallthesoldiersAre,withtheirleaders,madeahisdevotion;Thatalmostallthesenatearehiscreatures,Orholdonhimtheirmaindependencies,Eitherforbenefit,orhope,orfear;Andthathimselfhathlostmuchofhisown,Bypartinguntohim;and,byth'incrc;iOfhisranklustsandrages,quiteclisanu'dHimselfoflove,orcitherpublicmeans,Todareanopencontestation;Hissubtiltyhathchosethisdoublinglinn,Toholdhimevenin:notsotofearhim.Aswhollyputhimout,andyet<_rivech'-ekUntohisfartherboldness.Inmeantime,Byhisemployments,makeshimodious

1Dio.Lib.Ivi-i.p.718.a]>••]<•ns.Dio.ibid.»Die.ibid.

*Suet.Tib.c.65.'Dio.p.75•Dio.p.714.

Untothestaggeringrout,whoseaid,infine,Hehopestouse,assure,who,whentheysway,Beardown,o'erturnallobjectsintheirway.

Arr.YoumaybeaLynceus,Lepidus:yetISeenosuchcause,butthatapolitictyrant,Whocansowelldisguiseit,shouldhaveta'enAnearerway:feign'dhonest,andcomehomeTocuthisthroat,bylaw.

Lep.Ay,buthisfearWouldne'erbemask'd,allbehisviceswere/

Pom.Hislordshipthenisstillingrace?

Ter.Assureyou,Neverinmore,eitherofgraceorpower.

Pom.Thegodsarewiseandjust.

Arr.Thefiendstheyare,Tosuffertheebelie'em.

Ter.Ihavehere

Hislastandpresentletters,wherehewriteshim,Thepartnerofhiscares,andhisSejanus.—

Lac.Butisthattrue,1itisprohibitedTosacrificeuntohim?

Ter.Somesuchthing

Csesarmakesscrupleof,butforbidsitnot;Nomorethantohimself:sayshecouldwishItwereforborntoall.

Lac.Isitnoother?

Ter.Noother,onmytrust.Foryourmoresurety,Hereisthatlettertoo.

Arr.Howeasily

Dowretchedmenbelieve,whattheywouldhave!Looksthislikeplot?

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Lep.NobleArruntius,stay.

Lac.Henameshimhere2withouthistitles.

Lep.Note!

Arr.Yes,andcomeoffyournotablefool.Iwill.

Lac.NootherthanSejanus.

Pom.That'sbuthasteInhimthatwrites:herehegiveslargeamends.

Mar.AndwithhisownhandwrLten?

Pom.Yes.

Lac.Indeed?

Ter.Believeit,gentlemen,Sejanus'breastNeverreceivedmorefullcontentmentsin,Thanatthispresent.

Pom.Takeshewell3theescapeOfyoungCaligula,withMacro?

Ter.Faith,

Atthefirstairitsomewhattroubledhim.1Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.718.aDio.ibid.*Dio.p.717.

Lcp.Observeyou?

Arr.Nothing;riddles.TillTseeSejanusstruck,nosoundthereofstrikesme.

[ExeuntArrun.andLepiJus.

Pom.Ilikeitnot.ImnsehewouldnotattemptSomewhatagainsthimintheconsulship,1Seeingthepeople'gintofavourhim.

Ter.Hedothrepentitnow;buthehasemploy'dPagonianusafterhim:2andheholdsThatcorrespondencethere,withallthatareNearaboutCsesar,asnothoughtcanpassWithouthisknowledge,thenceinacttofronthim.

Pom.Igratulatethenews.

Lac.ButhowcomesMacroSointrustandfavourwithCaligula?

Pom.0,sir,hehasawife;3andtheyoungprinceAnappetite:hecanlookup,andspyFliesintheroof,whentherearefleasi'thebed;Andhathalearnednosetoassurehissleeps.Whotobefavour'doftherisingsun,Wouldnotlendlittleofhiswaningmoon?Itisthesaf'stambition.NobleTerentius!

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Ter.Thenightgrowsfastuponus.Atyourservice.[Exeunt.

ACTV

SCENEI.—AnApartmentinSEJANUS'House.EnterSEJANUS.

Sej.Swell,swell,myjoys;andfaintnottodeclareYourselvesasampleasyourcausesare.Ididnotlivetillnow;thismyiirsthour;WhereinIseemythoughtsreach'dbymypower.Butthis,andgripemywishes.4Greatandhigh,Theworldknowsonlytwo,that'sRomeandI.Myroofreceivesmenot;'tisairItread;And,ateachstep,IfeelmyadvancedheadKnockoutastarinheaven!rear'dtothisheight,Allmydesiresseemmodest,poor,andslight,Thatdidbeforesoundimpudent:'tisplace,Notblood,discernsthenobleandthebase.IstherenotsomethingmorethantobeCa>sar?Mustwerestthere?itirkst'havecomesufar,Tobesonearastay.Caligula,

1Die.p.717.

*DePagoniano,vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.p.101.alibiPaconiano.8Tacit,cons.Ann.Lib.vi.p.114.

4DefastuSejanileg.Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.715,etTacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.96.

Wouldthoustood'ststiff,andmanyinourway!Windslosetheirstrength,whentheydoemptyfly,Unmetofwoodsorbuildings;greatfiresdie,Thatwanttheirmattertowithstandthem:so,Itisourgrief,andwillbeourloss,toknowOurpowershallwantopposites;unlessThegods,bymixinginthecause,wouldblessOurfortunewiththeirconquest.ThatwereworthSejanus'strife;durstfatesbutbringitforth.

EnterTERENTIUS.

Ter.SafetytogreatSejanus!

Sej.Now,Terentius?

Ter.Hearsnotmylordthewonder?

Sej.Speakit,no.

Ter.Imeetitviolentinthepeople'smouths,WhoruninroutstoPompey'stheatre,Toviewyourstatue,1which,theysay,sendsforthAsmoke,asfromafurnace,blackanddreadful.

Sej.Sometraitorhathputfirein:you,gosee,Andlettheheadbetakenoff,tolookWhat'tis.[ExitTerentius.]—Someslavehathpractisedan

imposture,Tostirthepeople.—Hownow!whyreturnyou?

Re-enterTERENTIUS,withSATRIUSandNATTA.

Sat.Thehead,2mylord,alreadyista'enoff,Isawit;and,atopening,thereleaptoutAgreat

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andmonstrousserpent.

Sej.Monstrous!why?

Haditabeard,andhorns?noheart?atongueForkedasflattery?look'ditofthehue,Tosuchasliveingreatmen'sbosoms?wa3ThespiritofitMacro's?

Nat.Mayitplease

ThemostdivineSejanus,inmydays,(Andbyhissacredfortune,Iaffirmit,)Ihavenotseenamoreextended,grown,Foul,spotted,venomous,ugly—

Sej.0,thefates!

Whatawildmuster'shereofattributes,T'expressaworm,asnake!

Ter.ButhowthatshouldComethere,mylord!

Sej.What,andyoutoo,Terentius!Tthinkyoumeantomake'taprodigyinyourreporting.

Ter.CanthewiseSejanus1Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.717.*Dio.ibid.

Thinkheavenhathmeantitless?

>•/.0,superstition!

Why,thenthefallinglofourbed,thatbrakeThismorning,burden'dwiththepopulousweight,Ofourexpectingclients,tosaluteus;Orrunning2ofthecatbetwixtourlegs,AswesetforthuntotheCapitol,Wereprodigies.

Ter.Ithinkthemominous;

Andwouldtheyhadnothappened!As,to-day,Thefateofsome3yourservants:who,decliningTheirway,notable,forthethrong,tofollow,SliptdowntheGemonies,andbraketheirnecks!Besides,intakingyourlastaugury,4Noprosperousbirdappear'd;butcroakingravensFlagg'dupanddown,andfromthesacrificeFlewtotheprison,wheretheysatallnight,Beatingtheairwiththeirobstreperousbeaks!Idarenotcounsel,butIcouldentreat,ThatgreatSejanuswouldattemptthegodsOncemorewithsacrifice.

Sej.WhatexcellentfoolsReligionmakesofmen!BelievesTerentins,Iftheseweredangers,asIshametothinkthem,Thegodscouldchangethecertaincourseoffate?Or,iftheycouldtheywould,nowinamoment,Forabeeve'sfat,orless,bebribedtoinvertThoselongdecrees?Thenthinkthegods,likeflies,Aretobetakenwiththesteamofflesh,Orblood,diffusedabouttheiraltars:think'\heirpowerascheapasIesteemitsmall.—Ofallthethrongthatfillth'Olympianhall,And,withoutpity,ladepoorAtlas'back,Iknownotthatonedeity,butFortune,TowhomIwouldthrowup,inbeggingsmoko,Onegrainofincense;5orwhoseearI'dbuyWiththusmuchoil.HerI,indeed,adore;Andkeephergratefulimage6inmyhouse,SometimebelongingtoaRomanking.Butnowcairdmine,asbythebetterstyle:ToherIcarenot,if,forsatisfyingYourscrupulousphant'sies,Igooffer.Bi.lOurpriest

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prepareushoney,i.alk,andpoppy,7

1Pio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.715.sI'i<xibH.p.716.

8Dio.ibid.4<

'.r.inituns.Plant.P.rnu.AI.5c.T.<•(OvidF..st.Lib.iv.1I'io.Hist.Rom.Lib.hiii.p.7'7-

7DesacrisFort.uno,-,vid.Lil.Ore.Gyr.^ynt.17.etStuch.lib.deSacrif.Gent.p.48.

Hismasculineodours,andnight-vestments:say,Ourritesareinstant;whichperform'd,you'llseeHowvain,andworthylaughter,yourfearsbe.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterCOTTAandPOMPONIUS.

Cot.Pomponius,whitherinsuchspeed?

Pom.IgoTogivemylordSejanusnotice—

Cot.What?

Pom.OfMacro.

Cot.Ishecome?

Pom.Enter'dbutnowThehouseofRegulus.1

Cot.Theoppositeconsul!

Pom.Somehalfhoursince.

Cot.Andbynighttoo!Stay,sir;I'llbearyoucompany.

Pom.Alongthen—[Exeunt.

SCENEIII.—ARoominREQULUS'SHouse.EnterMACRO,REGULUS,andAttendant.

Mac.'TisCaesar'swilltohaveafrequentsenate;Andthereforemustyouredict2laydeepmulctOnsuchasshallbeabsent.

Reg.Soitdoth.Bearitmyfellowconsultoadscribe.

Mac.Andtellhimitmustearlybeproclaim'd:TheplaceApollo'stemple.3[ExitAttendant.

Reg.That'sremember'd.

Mac.Andatwhathour?

Reg.Yes.

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Mac.Youdoforget4Tosendonefortheprovostofthewatch.

Reg.Ihavenot:herehecomes.

EnterLACO.

Mac.GracinusLaco,

Youareafriendmostwelcome:byandby,I'llspeakwithyou.—YoumustprocurethisliztOfthepraetoriancohorts,withthenamesOfthecenturions,andtheirtribunes.

Reg.Ay.

1Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.718.

8Edictoutplurimumsenatoresincuriamvocatosconstat,exTacit.Ann.Lib.i.etLiv.Lib.ii.Fest.Pon.Lib.xv.vid.Bar.Briss.deform.Lib.i.etLipsSat.Menip.

*Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.718.*Dio.ibid.

Mac.Ibringyouletters,1andahealthfromCa?sar—

Lac.Sir,bothcomewell.

Mac.Andhearyou1withyournote,Whicharetheeminentmen,andmostofaction.

Reg.Thatshallbedoneyoutoo.

Mac.MostworthyLaco,

Caesarsalutesyou.[ExitRegulus.']—Consul!deathandfuries!Gonenow!—Theargumentwillpleaseyou,sir.Ho!Regulus!TheangerofthegodsFollowyourdiligentlegs,andovertake'em,Inlikenessofthegout!—

le-enterREGULUS.

0,mygoodlord,

Welack'dyoupresent;IwouldprayyousendAnothertoFulciniusTrio,straight,Totellhimyouwillcome,andspeakwithhim:Thematterwe'lldevise,tostayhimthere,WhileIwithLacodosurveythewatch.[ExitRegulus.

Whatareyourstrengths,Gracinus?

Lac.Sevencohorts.2

Mac.YouseewhatCresarwrites;and——Goneagain!H'hassureaveinofmercuryinhisfeet.—KnowyouwhatstoreofthepraetoriansoldiersSejanusholdsabouthim,forhisguard?

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Lac.Icannotthejustnumber;but,Ithink,Threecenturies.

Mac.Three!good.

Lac.Atmostnotfour.

Mac.Andwhobethosecenturions?

Lac.ThattheconsulCanbestdeliveryou.

Mac.Whenhe'saway!Spiteonhisnimbleindustry—C.racinrs,Youfindwhatplaceyouhold,there,inthetrustOfroyalCsesar?

Lac.Ay,andIam—

Mac.Sir,

ThehonoursthereproposedarebutbeginningsOfhisgreatfavours.

Lac.Theyaremore—

Mac.IheardhimWhenhedidstudywhattoadd.

Lur.Mylife,

AndallIhold—

Mac.Youwerehisownfirstchoice:

1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.

1DPprefectoviyilumvid.Kos.Autit).K«.m.Lib.vii.etDio.Rom.Hist1ib.lv.

Whichdothconfirmasmuchasyoucanspeak;

Andwill,ifwesucceed,makemoreYourguards

Aresevencohorts,yousay?

Lac.Yes.

Mac.ThosewemustHoldstillinreadinesslandundischarged.

Lac.Iunderstandsomuch.Buthowitcan—

Mac.Bedonewithoutsuspicion,you'llobject?

Re-enterREGULUS.

Reg.What'sthat?

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Lac.Thekeepingofthewatchinarms,Whenmorningcornes.

Mac.Thesenateshallbemet,andsetSoearlyinthetemple,asallmarkOfthatshallbeavoided.

Reg.Ifweneed,

Wehavecommissiontopossessthepalace,2EnlargeprinceDrusus,andmakehimourchief.

Mac.Thatsecretwouldhaveburnthisreverendmouth,Hadhenotspititoutnow:bythegods,

YoucarrythingstooLetmeborrowaman

Ortwo,tobeartheseThatoffreeingDrusus,

Caesarprojectedasthelastandutmost;Notelsetoberemember'd.

EnterServants.

Reg.Hereareservants.

Mac.ThesetoArruntius,thesetoLepidus;ThisbeartoGotta,thistoLatiaris.Iftheydemandyouofme,sayIhaveta'enFresh*horse,andamdeparted.[ExeuntServants

You,mylord,

Toyourcolleague,andbeyousuretoholdhimWithlongnarrationofthenewfreshfavours,MeanttoSejanus,hisgreatpatron;I,WithtrustedLaco,here,arefortheguards:Thentodivide.For,nighthathmanyeyes,Whereof,thoughmostdosleep,yetsomearespies.[Exeunt.

SCENEIV.—ASacellum(orChapel)inSEJANTTS'SHouse.

EnterPrsecones,3Flamen,4Tubicines,Tibicines,Ministri,

SEJANUS,TERENTIUS,SATRITJS,NATTA,etc.Prse.Beallprofanefarhence;£fly,flyfaroff:

1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.

2Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.p.107.etSuet.Tib.c.65.

8Prtecones,Flamen,hiomnibussacrificesinteressesolebant.Ant.Rom.Lib.iii.Stuch.deSac.p.72.

«Exiis,quiFlaminesCurialesdicerentur,vid.Lil.Greg.Gyr.bynt.17etOnu'p.Panvin.Rep.Rom.Comment.2.

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*Morisantiquierat,Praeconespriecedere,etsacrisarcereprofanes.Cons.Briss.Ross.Stuch.Lil.Gyr.etc.

Beabsentfar;farhencebeallprofane!

[Tub.andTib.soundwhiletheFlamenwashethJFla.Wehavebeenfaulty,butrepentusnow,Andbringpurehands,purevestments,andpureminds.2

1Min.Purevessels.

2Min.Andpureofferings.

3Min.Garlandspure.

Fla.Bestowyourgarlands:3and,withreverence,placeTheyervinonthealtar.

Prce.Favouryourtongues.4

[Whiletheysoundagain,theFlamentakesofthehoneywithhisfinger,5andtastes,thenministerstoalltherest;soofthemilk,6inanearthenvessel,hedealsabout;whichdone,hesprinklethuponthealtar,milk;thenimposeththehoney,andkindlethhisgums,andaftercensingaboutthealtar,placethhiscenserthereon,intowhichtheyputseveralbranchesofpoppy,1andthemusicceasing,proceeds.

Fla.GreatmotherFortune^queenofhumanstate,Pectre-ssofaction,arbitressoffate,Towhomallsway,allpower,allempirebows,Bepresent,andpropitioustoourvowsfPrce.Favour9itwithyourtongues.Min.Bepresentandpropitioustoourvows!Omnes.Acceptouroffering10andbepleased,greatgoddess.Ter.See,see,theimagestirs!Sat.Andturnsaway!

1Observatumantiquisinvenimus,utquiremdivinarafacturuserat,lautus,acmandusaccederet,etadsuaslevandasculpas,seimprimisreumdiceresolitum,etnoxaepoenituisse.Lil.Gyr.Synt.17.

2Insacrispurasmanus,purasvestes,purarasa,etc.,antiquidesidera-bunt;utexVirg.Plaut.Tibul.Ovid,etc.,pluribuslocisconstat.

3Aliusritussertisarascoronare,etverbenasimponere.

4Hujusmodiverbissilentiumimperatumfuisseconstat.Vid.Sen.inlib.debeatavita.Serv.etDon.adeumversum,Lib.v.

Orefaveteomnes,etcingitetemperaramis.

•VocabaturhieritusLibatio.LegeRosin.Ant.Lib.iii.Bas.Brisson.deform.Lib.i.StuchiumdeSacrif.etLil.Synt.17.

8InsacrisFortunaelactenonvinolibabant.iisdemtost.Taliasacrificiadpivaetvr)<pd\iadicta.Hocestsobria,etvinocarentia.

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7Hocreddereeratetlitare,idestpropitiare,etvotumimp^trare;secundumNoniumMarcvllmn.LitareenimMac.Lib.iii.c.5,explicit,sacrificiofactoplacarenumen.Inquost-ns.leg.apudPlaut.Scnec.Suet.etc.

8Hissolemnibuspra?fationibusinsacrisutebantur.

•Quibus,inclausvi,populusvelca-tusapra(•'milmsfavorejubobatur;idestbonaverbafari.Talisenimalterahujusfonn.rintrrpn-t.itioapudHriss.Lib.i.extat.Ovid.Lib.i.Fast.Linguisanimisqueia\.ic.Lt.Mct.au.Lib.xv.

piumque

praestantftimnt«',etvoccf.i\'-rcm.10Solemnisformulainluniscuivisnumim'is.

Nat.Fortune*avertsherface.

Fla.Avert,yougods,Theprodigy.Still!still,somepiousriteWehaveneglected.Yet,heavenbeappeased,Andbealltokensfalseandvoid,thatspeakThypresentwrath!

Sej.Bethoudumb,scrupulouspriest:Andgatherupthyself,withthesethywaresWhichI,inspiteofthyblindmistress,orThyjugglingmystery,religion,throwThusscornedontheearth.[Overturnsthestatueandthealtar.

Nay,holdthylookAvertedtillIwootheeturnagain;Andthoushaltstandtoallposterity,Theeternalgameandlaughter,withthyneckWrith'dtothytail,likearidiculouscat.Avoidthesefumes,thesesuperstitiouslights,Andallthesecozeningceremonies:you,Yourpureandspicedconscience!

[ExeuntallbutSejanus,Terent.,Satri.,andNatta.

I,theslave

Andmockoffools,scornonmyworthyhead1Thathavebeentitledandadoredagod,2Yea,3sacrificedunto,myself,inRome,NolessthanJove:andIbebroughttodoApeevishgiglot,rites!perhapsthethoughtAndshameofthat,madefortuneturnherface,Knowingherselfthelesserdeity,Andbutmyservant.—Bashfulqueen,ifso,Sejanusthanksthymodesty.—Who'sthat?

EnterPOMPONIUSandMiNUTrus.4

Pom.Hisfortunesuffers,tillhehearsmynews:Ihavewaitedheretoolong.Macro,mylord—

Sej.Speaklowerandwithdraw.[Takeshimaside.

Ter.Arethesethingstrue?

Min.Thousandsaregazingatitinthestreets.

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Sej.What'sthat?

Ter.Minutiustellsushere,mylord,Thatanewheadbeingsetuponyourstatue,Arope5issincefoundwreath'daboutit!and,Butnow6afierymeteorintheformOfagreatballwasseentorollalong

1Leg.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.717.dehocsacrificio.

2Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.96.

3Dio.Lib.Iviii.p.716.

4DeMinutiovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.6Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.717.

6Vid.Senec.Nat.Quest.Lib.i.c.i.

Thetroubledair,whereyetithangsimperfect,Theamazingwonderofthemultitude!

>'i.Xomore.ThatMacro'scome,ismorethanall!

Ter.IsMacrocome?

Pom.Isawhim.

Ter.Where?withwhom?

Pom.WithRegulus.

Sej.Terentius!

Ter.Mylord.

Sej.Sendforthetribunes,1wewillstraighthaveupMoreofthesoldiersforourguard.[ExitTer.]Minutius,WeprayyougoforCotta,Latiaris,Trio,theconsul,orwhatsenators

Youknowaresure,andours.[ExitMin.]You,mygoodXatta,ForLaco,provostofthewatch.[ExitNat.]Now,Satrius,Thetimeofproofcomeson;armallourservants,Andwithouttumult.[ExitSat.]You,Pomponius,Holdsomegoodcorrespondencewiththeconsul:Attempthim,noblefriend.[ExitPomp.]ThesethingsbeginTolooklikedangers,now,worthymyfates.Fortune,Iseethyworst:letdoubtfulstates,Andthingsuncertain,hanguponthywill:Mesurestdeathshallrendercertainstill.Yet,whyisnowmythoughtturn'dtowarddeath,Whomfateshaveletgoon,sofarinbreath,Uncheck'dorunreproved?I,2thatdidhelpTofelltheloftycedaroftheworld,Germanicus;thatatonestrokecutdown3Drusus,thatuprightelm;wither'dhisvine;LaidSilius4andSabinus,5twostrongoaks,Flatontheearth;besidesthoseothershrubs,Cordus6andSosia,7ClaudiaPulchra,8FurniusandGallus,9whichIhavegrubb'dup;Andsince,havesetmyaxesostronganddeepIntotherootofspreadingAgrippina;10Loptoffandscatter'dherproudbranches,X'-ro,Drusus;andCains11too,althoughre-planted.Ifyouwill,Destinies,thatafterall,

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Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.718.Vid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.i.p.23.

Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.pp.74,75.etDio.Lib.Ivii.p709.Tacit.Lib.iv.p.79.Ibid.p.94.

DeCremut.Cor.vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Ivii.p.710.Tacit.Ann.Libiv.p.83.

7DeSosia.Tacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.94.

IDeClau.etFurnio.qu.TteTacit.Ann.Lib.iv.p.SQ.

•DeGallo.Tacit.Lib.iv.p.95.t-tI>i>.Lib.Iviii.p.713.DeAgr.Ner.etI>ru.leg.Suet.'ILbcap.si.4.

IIDeCaio.cons.Dio.Lib.Iviii.p.

IfaintnowereItouchmyperiod,

Youarebutcruel;andIalreadyhavedone

Thingsgreatenough.AllRomehathbeenmyslave;

Thesenatesateanidlelookeron,

Andwitnessofmypower;whenIhaveblush'd

Moretocommandthanittosuffer:all

Thefathershavesatereadyandprepared,

Togivemeempire,temples,ortheirthroats,

WhenIwouldask'em;andwhatcrownsthetop,

Rome,senate,people,alltheworldhaveseen

Jove,butmyequal;Ceesar,butmysecond.

'Tisthenyourmalice,Fates,who,butyourown,

Envyandfeartohaveanypowerlongknown.[Exit.

SCENEV.—ARoominthesame.EnterTERENTIUSandTribunes.

Ter.Stayhere:I'llgivehislordship,youarecome.EnterMTNUTIUS,withGOTTAandLATTARIS.

Min.MarcusTerentius,'prayyoutellmylordHere'sCotta,andLatiaris.

Ter.Sir,Ishall.[Exit.

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Cot.Myletteristheverysamewithyours;Onlyrequiresmetobepresentthere,Andgivemyvoicetostrengthenhisdesign.

Lai.Nameshenotwhatitis?

Cot.No,nortoyou.

Lat.'Tisstrangeandsingulardoubtful!

Cot.Soitis.ItmaybeallislefttolordSejanus.

EnterNATTAandGRACINUSLACO.

Nat.Gentlemen,where'smylord?Tri.Wewaithimhere.Cot.TheprovostLaco!what'sthenews?Lat.Mylord—

EnterSEJANUS.

Sej.Now,myrightdear,noble,andtrustedfriends,HowmuchIamacaptivetoyourkindness1MostworthyCotta,Latiaris,Laco,Yourvalianthand;and,gentlemen,yourloves.IwishIcoulddividemyselfuntoyou;Orthatitlaywithinournarrowpowers,Tosatisfyforsoenlargedbounty.Gracinus,wemustprayyou,holdyourguardsUnquitwhenmorningcomss.Sawyoutheconsul?

Min.Triowillpresentlybehere,mylord.

Cot.Theyarebutgivingorderfortheedict,1Towarnthesenate.

Sej.How1thesenate?

Lac.Yes.ThismorninginApollo'stemple.

Cot.WeArechargedbylettertobethere,mylord.

Se.j.Byletter!prayyou,let'ssee.

Lot.Knowsnothislordship?

Cot.Itseemsso!

Sej.Asenatewarn'd!withoutmyknowledgeIAndonthissudden!SenatorsbylettersRequiredtobethere!whobroughtthese?

Cot.Macro.

Sej.Mineenemy!2andwhen?

Cot.Thismidnight.

Sej.Time,

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Witheveryothercircumstance,dothgiveIthathsomestrainofenginein't!—Hownow?

EnterSATBITJS.

Sat.Mylord,SertoriusMacroiswithout,Alone,andprayst'haveprivateconferenceInbusinessofhighnaturewithyourlordship,Hesaystome,andwhichregardsyoumuch.

Sej.Lethimcomehere.

Sal.Better,mylord,withdraw:YouwillbetraywhatstoreandstrengthoffriendsArenowaboutyou;whichhecomestospy.

Sej.Ishenotarm'd?

Sat.We'llsearchhim.

Sej.No;buttake,

Andleadhimtosomeroom,whereyouconcertI'dMaykeepaguarduponus.[ExitSal.]NobleLaco,Youareourtrust;andtillourowncohortsCanbebroughtup,yourstrengthsmustbeour<_r»mrd.Now,goodMinutius,honour'dLatiaris,\IIesalutesthemhumbly.Mostworthyandmymostunweariedfriends:Ireturninstantly.[Exit.

Lat.Mostworthylord.

Cot.Hislordshipisturn'dinstantkind,methinks;Ihavenotobserveditinhim,heretofore.

1Tri.'Tistrue,auditbecomeshimnobly.Min.I

Amwraptwithal.

2Tri.ByMars,hehasmylives,Weretheyamillion,forthisonlygrace.

Lac.Ay,andtonameaman!

1Vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.•Din.Lib.Iviii.p.71*.

Lai.Ashedidme!Min.Andme!

Lai.Whowouldnotspendhislifeandfortunes,Topurchasebutthelookofsuchalord?

Lac.Hethatwouldnorbelord'sfool,northeworld's.[Aside,

SCENEVI.—AnotherRoominthesame.EnterSEJANUS,MACRO,andSATRIUS.

Sej.Macro!lmostwelcome,amostcovetedfriend!Letmeenjoymylongings.Whenarrivedyou?

Mac.Aboutthenoonofnight.2

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Sej.Satrius,giveleave.[ExitSat.

Mac.Ihavebeen,sinceIcame,withboththeconsuls,OnaparticulardesignfromCaesar.

Sej.Howfaresitwithourgreatandroyalmaster?

Mac.Rightplentifullywell;as,withaprince,Thatstillholdsout3thegreatproportionOfhislargefavours,wherehisjudgmenthathMadeoncedivineelection:likethegodThatwantsnot,norisweariedtobestowWheremeritmeetshisbounty,asitdothInyou,alreadythemosthappy,andereThesunshallclimbthesouth,mosthighSejanus.Letnotmylordbeamused.For,tothisendWasIbyCaesarsentfortotheisle,Withspecialcautiontoconcealmyjourney;And,thence,hadmydispatchasprivatelyAgaintoRome;chargedtocomeherebynight;AndonlytotheconsulsmakenarrationOfhisgreatpurpose;thatthebenefitMightcomemorefull,andstriking,byhowmuchItwaslesslook'dfor,oraspiredbyyou,Orleastinformedtothecommonthought.

Sej.Whatmaybethis?partofmyself,dearMacro,Ifgood,speakout;andsharewithyourSejanus.

Mac.Ifbad,IshouldforeverloathmyselfTobethemessengertosogoodalord.IdoexceedmyinstructionstoacquaintYourlordshipwiththusmuch;but'tismyventuraOnyourretentivewisdom:andbecauseIwouldnojealousscrupleshouldmolestOrrackyourpeaceofthought.ForIassureMynoblelord,nosenatoryetknowsThebusinessmeant:thoughallbyseverallettersArewarnedtobethere,andgivetheirvoices,

1Dio.Hist.Rom.Lib.Iviii.p.78.

1Meridiesnoctis,Varr.Marcipor.vid.Non.Mar.cap.vi.

8Dio.Lib.Iviii.p.78.

OnlytoadduntothestateandgraceOfwhatispurposed.

Sej.Youtakepleasure,Macro,Likeacoywench,intorturingyourlover.Whatcanbeworththissuffering?

Mac.Thatwhichfollows,Thetribunitialdignityandpower:lBothwhichSejanusistohavethisdayConferr'duponhim,andbypublicsenate.

Sej.Fortunebemineagain1thouhastsatisfiedForthysuspectedloyalty.[Aside.

Mac.Mylord,

Ihavenolongertime,thedayapproacheth,AndImustbacktoCaesar.

Sej.Where'sCaligula?

Mac.ThatIforgottotellyourlordship.Why,HelingersyonderaboutCaprere,Disgraced;Tiberiushathnotseenhimyet:Heneedswouldthrusthimselftogowithme,Againstmy

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wishorwill;butIhavequittedHisforwardtrouble,withastardynoteAsmyneglectorsilencecouldaffordhim.Yourlordshipcannotnowcommandmeaught,BecauseItakenoknowledgethatIsawyou;ButIshallboasttolivetoserveyourlordship:Andsotakeleave.

Sej.HonestandworthyMacro;Yourloveandfriendship.[ExitMacro.]--Who'sthere?

Satrius,

Attendmyhonourablefriendforth.—0!Howvainandvileapassionisthisfear,Whatbaseuncomelythingsitmakesmendo!Suspecttheirnoblestfriends,asIdidthis,Flatterpoorenemies,entreattheirservants,Stoop,court,andcatchatthebenevolenceOfcreatures,untowhom,withinthishour,Iwouldnothavevouchsafedaquarter-look,Orpieceofface!Byyouthatfoolscallgods,Hangalltheskywithyourprodigioussigns,Fillearthwithmonsters,dropthescorpiondmvn,Outofthezodiac,orthefiercerlion.Shakeofftheloosen'dglobefromherlonerhinge,I(i>11alltheworldindarkness,andletlon-rTheenragedwindstoturnupgroves;imltowns1WhenIdofearagain,letmebestruckWithforkedfire,andunpitieddie:Whofears,isworthyofcalamity.[Exit

1Dio.Lib.Iviii.p.78.vid.Suet,deoppress.Sejan.Tib.c.65.

SCENEVII.—AnotherRoominthe,

EnterTERENTITJS,MINUTIUS,LACO,COTTA,LATIARIS,andPOM-POXIUS;REGULUS,TRIO,andothers,ondifferentsides.

Pom.Isnotmylordhere?

Ter.Sir,hewillbestraight.

Cot.Whatnews,FulciniusTrio?

Tri.Good,goodtidings;Butkeepittoyourself.MylordSejanuaIstoreceivethisdayinopensenateThetribunitialdignity.

Cot.Is'ttrue?

Tri.Nowords,nottoyourthought:but,sir,believeit.

Lat.Whatsaystheconsul9

Cot.Speakitnotagain:Hetellsme,thatto-daymylordSejanus—

Tri.Imustentreatyou,Cotta,onyourhonourNottorevealit.

Cot.Onmylife,sir.

Lat.Say.

Cot.Istoreceivethetribunitialpower.But,asyouareanhonourableman,Letmeconjure

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younottoutterit;Foritistrustedtomewiththatbond.

Lat.IamHarpocrates.

Ter.Canyouassureit?

Pom.Theconsultolditme,butkeepitclose.

Min.LordLatiaris,what'sthenews?

Lat.I'lltellyou;Butyoumustsweartokeepitsecret.

EnterSEJANTJS.

Sej.IknewtheFateshadontheirdistaffleftMoreofourthread,thanso.

Reg.Hail,greatSejanus!

Tri.Hail,themosthonour'd!*

Cot.Happy!

Lat.HighSejanus!

Sej.Doyoubringprodigiestoo?

Tri.Mayallpresage

Turntothosefaireffects,whereofwebringYourlordshipnews.

Reg.May'tpleasemylordwithdraw.

Sej.Yes:—Iwillspeakwithyouanon.[Tosomethatstand~by.

Ter.Mylord,Whatisyourpleasureforthetribunes?

Sej.Why,

1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.

Letthembethank'dandsentaway.

Min.Mylord—

Lac.Wiirtpleaseyourlordshiptocommandme—

Sej.No:Youaretroublesome.

Min.Themoodischanged.1

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Tri.Notspeak,Norlook!

Lac.Ay,heiswise,willmakehimfriendsOfsuchwhoneverlove,butfortheirends.{Exeunt.

SCENEVIII.—ASpacebeforetheTempleofApollo.EnterARRUNTTUSandLEPIDUS,diversSenatorspassingbythem.

Arr.Ay,go,makehaste;takeheedyoubenotlastTotenderyourAllHail2inthewidehallOfhugeSejanus:runalictor'space:Staynottoputyourrobeson;butaway,WiththepaletroubledensignsofgreatfriendshipStamp'dinyourface!Now,MarcusLepidus,Youstillbelieveyourformeraugury!Sejanusmustgodownward!YouperceiveHiswaneapproachingfast!

Lep.Believeme,Lucius,Iwonderatthisrising.

Arr.Ay,andthatwe

Mustgiveoursuffragetoit.Youwillsay,Itistomakehisfallmoresteepandgrievous:Itmaybeso.Butthinkit,theythatcanWithidlewishes'saytobringbacktime:Incasesdesperate,allhopeiscrime.See,see!whattroopsofhisofficiousfriendsFlocktosalutemylord,andstartbeforeMygreatproudlord!togetalord-likenod!Attendmylorduntothesenate-house!Bringbackmylord!likeservileushers,makeWayformylord!proclaimhisidollordship.Morethantencriers,orsixnoiseoftruni]><-M-ikelf"_r^,kisshands,andtakeascatter'dhairFrommylord'seminentshoulder!

[Sanquvnius<n;>lf/'itrriux/"/.<•.<?overthestag?.

Sec,S,irn|iii;iiu.-5:1

Withhisslowbelly,andhisdropsy!1<><>k,Whattoilinghastehomakes!yethere'sanotherRetardedwiththegout,willbeaforehim,

1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.718.

2AVP.matutinavoxsalutautipropria,npudRomanes,vM.Driss.deform.Lib.viii.

sDeSanquiniovid.Tacit.Ann.Lib.vi.ctdcHatt-rio,i

GettheeLiburnianlporters,thougrossfool,

Tobearthyobsequiousfatness,likethypeers.

Theyaremet!thegoutreturns,andhisgreatcarriage.

[Lictors,Regulus,Trio,Sejanus,Satrius,andmanyotherSenators,passoverthestage.

Lict.Giveway,makeplace,roomfortheconsul!

San.Hail,Hail,greatSejanus!

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Hat.Hail,myhonour'dlord!

Arr.Weshallbemark'danon,forournotHail.

Lep.Thatisalreadydone.

Arr.Itisanote

Ofupstartgreatness,toobserveandwatchForthesepoortrifles,whichthenoblernindNeglectsandscorns.

Lep.Ay,andtheythinkthemselvesDeeplydishonour'dwheretheyareomitted,Asiftheywerenecessitiesthathelp'dTotheperfectionoftheirdignities;2Andhatethementhatbutrefrainthem.

Arr.O!

Thereisafarthercauseofhate.TheirbreastsAreguilty,thatweknowtheirobscuresprings,Andbasebeginnings;thencetheangergrows.On.Follow.

SCENEIX.—Anotherpartofthesame.EnterMACROandLACO.

Mac.Whenallareenter'd,3shutthetempledoors;Andbringyourguardsuptothegate.

Lac.Iwill.

Mac.Ifyoushallhearcommotioninthesenate,Presentyourself:andchargeonanymanShalloffertocomeforth.

Lac.Iaminstructed.[Exeunt.

SCENEX.—TheTempleofApollo.

EnterHATERIUS,TRIO,SANQUINIUS,COTTA,REGTJLTJS,SEJANTJS,POMPONIUS,LATIARIS,LEPIDUS,ARRUNTIUS,anddiversotherSenators;Preecones,andLictors.

Hat.Howwellhislordshiplooksto-day!Tri.AsifHehadbeenborn,ormadeforthishour'sstate.

1ExLiburnia,magnasetproceraestaturaemittebantur,quierantRom.Lecticarii;test.Juv.Sat.iii.v.240.

Turbacedentevehetur

Dives,etingenticurretsuperoraLiburno.

2Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.8Dio.ibid.p.718.

Cot.Yourfellowconsul'scomeabout,rnethinks?

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Tri.Ay,heiawise.

San.Sejanustrustshimwell.

Tri.Sejanusiaanoble,bounteouslord.1

Hat.Heisso,andmostvaliant.

Lai.Andmostwise.

1Sen.He'severything.

Lai.Worthyofall,andmoreThanbountycanbestow.

Tri.ThisdignityWillmakehimworthy.

Pom.AboveCa3sar.

San.Tut,

Cnesarisbuttherectorofanisle,2Heoftheempire.

Tri.NowhewillhavepowerMoretorewardthanever.

Cot.LetuslookWebenotslackingivinghimourvoices.3

Lat.NotI.

San.NorI.

Cot.ThereadierweseemTopropagatehishonours,willmorebindHisthoughtstoours.

Hat.Ithinkrightwithyourlordship;Itisthewaytohaveusholdourplaces.

San.Ay,andgetmore.

Lat.Moreofficeandmoretitles.

Pom.IwillnotlosethepartIhopetoshareInthesehisfortunes,formypatrimony.

Lat.See,howArruntiussits,andLepidus!

Tri.Letthemalone,theywillbemark'danon.

1Sen.I'lldowithothers.

2Sen.SowillI.

3Sen.AndI.

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Mengrownotinthestate,butastheyareplantedWarminhisfavours.

Cot.NobleSejanus!

Hat.Honour'dSejanus!

Lat.WorthyandgreatSejanus!

Arr.Gods!howthespongesopenandtakein,Andshutagain!look,look!isn<>iIn-!>!•Thatgetsaseatineye-reachofliini':more,Thatcomesinear,ortongue-reach?()butmost,Canclawhissubtleelbow,or\\ithabuzFly-blowhisears?

Prcet.Proclaimthesenate'speace,

1Vid.acclamation.Scnat.Dio.Rom.Hi^t.Lib.Iviii.p.710.8Dio.p.715.»Dio.p.710.

Andgivelastsummonsbytheedict.

Prce.Silence!InnameofCaesar,andthesenate,silence!

MemmiusEegulus,andFulciniusTrio,1consuls,thesepresentkalendsofJune,withthefirstlight,shallholdasenate,inthetempleofApolloPalatine:2allthatarefathers,andareregisteredfathers,thathaverightofenteringthesenate,wewarnorcommandyoubefrequentlypresent,takeknowledgethebusinessisthecommonwealth's:whosoeverisabsent,hisfineormulctwillbetaken,hisexcusewillnotbetaken.

Tri.Notewhoareabsent,andrecordtheirnames.

Reg.Fathersconscript,3maywhatIamtoutterTurngoodandhappyforthecommonwealth1Andthou,Apollo,inwhoseholyhouseWeherehavemet,inspireusallwithtruth,Andlibertyofcensuretoourthought1ThemajestyofgreatTiberiusCaesarPropoundstothisgravesenate,thebestowingUponthemanheloves,honour'dSejanus,Thetribunitialdignityandpower:4Herearehisletters,signedwithhissignet.Whatpleasethnowthefatherstobedone?5

Sen.Read,readthem,open,publiclyreadthem.

Cot.Caesarhathhonour'dhisowngreatnessmuchInthinkingofthisact.

Tri.ItwasathoughtHappy,andworthyCaesar.

Lat.AndthelordAsworthyit,onwhomitisdirected!

Hat.Mostworthy!

San.RomedidneverboastthevirtueThatcouldgiveenvybounds,buthis:Sejanus—

1Sen.Honour'dandnoble!

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2Sen.GoodandgreatSejanus!

Arr.O,mosttameslavery,andfierceflattery!Prce.Silence!

TIBERIUS&ESARtotheSenate,greeting.

Ifyou,conscriptfathers,&withyourchildren,beinhealth,itisabundantlywell:wewithourfriendshereareso.Thecareofthecommonwealth,howsoeverweareremovedinperson,cannotbeabsenttoourthought;although,oftentimes,eventoprincesmostpresent,thetruthoftheirownaffairsishid;thanwhich,nothingfallsoutmoremiserable

1Vid.Brissoniumdeformul.Lib.ii.etLipsiumSat.Menip.1Palatinus,amontePalatinedictus.

8Solemnispra3fatioconsuluminrelationibus.Dio.p.718.«Vid.Suet.Tib.cap.65.

8Aliaformulasolemnis,vid.Briss.Lib.ii.etDio.p.719.•Solenneexordiumepistolar.apudRomanes,cons.Briss.deformul.Lib.viii.

toastate,ormakestheartofgoverningmoredifficult.Butsinceithathbeenoureasefulhappinesstoenjoyboththeaidsandindustryofsovigilantasenate,weprofesstohavebeenthemoreindulgenttoourpleasures,notasbeingcarelessofouroffice,butrathersecureofthenecessity.Neitherdothesecommonrumoursofmany,andinfamouslibelspublishedagainstourretirement,atallafflictus;beingbornmoreoutofmen'signorancethantheirmalice:andwill,neglected,findtheirowngravequickly;whereas,toosensiblyacknowledged,itwouldmaketheirobloquyours.Nordowedesiretheirauthors,thoughfound,becensured,sinceinafreestate,1asours,allmenoughttoenjoyboththeirmindsandtonguesfree.

Arr.Thelapwing,thelapwing!

Yetinthingswhichshallworthilyandmorenearconcernthemajestyofaprince,weshallfeartobesounnaturallycrueltoourownfame,astoneglectthem.Trueitis,conscriptfathers,thatwehaveraisedSejanusfromobscure,andalmostunknowngentry

Sen.How,how!

tothehighestandmostconspicuouspointofgreatness,and,wehope,deservingly;yetnotwithoutdanger:itbeingamostboldhazardinthatsovereign,who,byhisparticularlovetoone,daresadventurethehatredofallhisothersubjects.

Arr.Thistouches;thebloodturns.

Butweaffyinyourlovesandunderstandings,anddonowaysuspectthemeritofourSejanus,tomakeourfavoursoffensivetoany.

Sen.0!good,good.

ThoughwecouldhavewishedhiszealhadrunacalmercourseagainstAgrippinaandournephews,howsoevertheopennessoftheiractionsdeclaredthemdelinquents;and,thathe

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wouldhaveremembered,noinnocenceissosafe,butitrejoicethtostandinthesightofmercy:theuseofwhichinus,hehathsoquitetakenaway,towardsthem,byhisloyalfury,asnowourclemencywouldbethoughtbutweariedcruelty,ifweshouldoffertoexerciseit.

Arr.Ithankhim;thereIlook'dfor't.Agoodfox!Sometherebethatwouldinterpretthishispublicseveritytobeparticularambition;2andthat,underapretextofservicetous,hedothbutremovehisownlets:allegingthestrengthshehathmadetohimself,bythepraetoriansoldiers,byhisfactionincourtandsenate,bytheofficesheholdshimself,andconfersonothers,hispopularityanddependents,hi*urgingandalmostdriringustothisourunwillingretirement,and,lastly,hisaspiringtobeourson-in-law.

Sen.Thisisstrange!

Arr.Ishallanonbelieveyourvulture-.Marcus.}'">irK'isdoms,conscriptfathers,areabletoexamine,awlc>n^irctlif.tesuggestions.But,were///<//!<ftl<>ourr/^Wr///;/roice,wedurstpronouncethem,aswethinktJcnt.mostmalicious.

Sen.O,hehasrestoredall;list!

1Firrmisetpatienssubindej;irt.\l>.it,incivitatelibrra,lin-u.iniin«-n-teni']u>-liberasessedebere.Surt.Tib.c.28.

2L)ehacepist.vid.Dio.K<'in.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.719,etJuv.Sat.x.

Yetaretheyofferedtobeaverred,andonthelivesoftheinformers.Whatweshouldsay,orratherwhatweshouldnotsay,lordsofthesenate,ifthisbetrue,ourgodsandgoddessesconfoundusifweknow!Onlywemustthink,wehaveplacedourbenefitsill;andconclude,thatinourchoice,eitherwewerewantingtothegods,orthegodstous.

[TheSenatorsshifttheirplaces.Arr.Theplacegrowshot;theyshift.

WeJiavenotbeencovetous,honourablefathers,tochange;neitherisitnowanynewlustthataltersouraffection,oroldlothing;butthoseneedfuljealousiesofstate,thatwarnwiserprinceshourlytoprovidetheirsafety;anddoteachthemhowlearnedathingitistobewareofthehumblestenemy;muchmoreofthosegreatones,whomtheirownemployedfavourshavemadefitfortheirfears.

1Sen.Away.

2Sen.Sitfarther.Cot.Let'sremove—

Arr.Gods!howtheleavesdropoff,thislittlewind!Wethereforedesire,thattheofficesheholdsbefirstseizedbythesenate;andhimselfsuspendedfromallexerciseofplaceorpower—

Sen.How!

San.[thrustingby.]Byyourleave.

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Arr.Come,porpoise;where'sHaterius?Hisgoutkeepshimmostmiserablyconstant;Yourdancingshewsatempest.

Sej.Readnomore.

Beg.Lordsofthesenate,holdyourseats:readon.

Sej.Theseletterstheyareforged.

Reg.Aguard!sitstill.

EnterLACO,withtheGuards.

Arr.Here'schange!

Reg.Bidsilence,andreadforward.

Prce.Silence!andhimselfsuspendedfromallexerciseofplace

orpower,buttilldueandmaturetrialbemadeofhisinnocency,whichyetwecanfaintlyapprehendthenecessitytodoubt.If,conscriptfathers,toyourmoresearchingwisdoms,thereshallappearfarthercause—oroffartherproceeding,eithertoseizureoflands,goods,ormore—itisnotourpowerthatshalllimityourauthority,orourfavourthatmustcorruptyourjustice:eitherweredishonourableinyou,andbothuncharitabletoourself.Wewouldwillinglylbepresentwithyourcounselsinthisbusiness;butthedangerofsopotentafaction,ifitshouldproveso,forbidsourattemptingit:exceptoneoftheconsulswouldbeentreatedforoursafety,toundertaketheguardofushome;thenweshouldmostreadilyadventure.Inthemeantime,itshallnotbefitforustoimportunesojudiciousasenate,whoknowhowmuchtheyhurttheinnocent,thatsparetheguilty;andhowgratefulasacrificetothegodsisthelifeofaningratefulperson.Wereflectnot,inthis,onSejanus,(notwithstanding,ifyoukeepaneye1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.719,etSuet.Tib.

uponhim—andthereisLatiaris,asenator,andPinnariusXafta,tiroofhismosttrustedministers,andsoprofessed,whomwedesirenottohaveapprehended,}butasthenecessityofthecauseexactsit.

Reg.AguardonLatiaris!

Arr.O,thespy,

Thereverendspyiscaught!whopitieshim?Reward,sir,foryourservice:now,youhavedoneYourproperty,youseewhatuseismade!

[ExeuntLatiarisandNafta,guarded.Hanguptheinstrument.

Sej.Giveleave.

Lac.Stand,stand!

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Hecomesuponhisdeath,thatdothadvanceAninchtowardmypoint.

Sej.Havewenofriendshere?

Arr.Hush'd!Wherenowareallthehailsandacclamations?

EnterMACRO.

Mac.Hailtotheconsuls,andthisnoblesenate!

Sej.IsMacrohere?O,thouartlost,Sejanus![Aside.

Mac.Sitstill,andunaffrighted,reverendfathers:Macro,byCaesar'sgrace,thenew-madeprovost,Andnowpossestofthepraetorianbands,Anhonourlatebelong'dtothatproudman,Bidsyoubesafe:andtoyourconstantdoomOfhisdeservings,offersyouthesuretyOfallthesoldiers,tribunes,andcenturions,Receivedinourcommand.

Reg.Sejanus,Sejanus,Standforth,Sejanus!

Sej.Amicall'd?

Mac.Ay,thou,Thouinsolentmonster,artbidstand.

Sej.Why,Macro,

11hathbeenotherwisebetweenyouandI;Thiscourt,thatknowsusboth,hathseenadifference,Andcan,ifitbepleasedtospeak,confirmWhoseinsolenceismost.

Mac.Comedown,Typhreus.Ifminebemost,lo!thusImakeitmorr;Kickupthyheelsinair,tearoffthyrobe,Playwiththybeardandnostrils.Thus'tisfit(Andnomantakecompassionofthystate)Touseth'ingratefulviper,treadhisbrainsIntotheearth.

Reg.Forbear.

Mac.IfIcouldloseAllmyhumanitynow,'twerewelltotorture

Someritingatraitor.—Wherefore,fathers,Sityouamazedandsilent;andnotcensureThiswretch,who,inthehourhefirstrebell'd'GainstCaesar'sbounty,didcondemnhimself?Phlegra,thefieldwhereallthesonsofearthMuster'dagainstthegods,didne'eracknowledgeSoproudandhugeamonster.

Reg.Takehimhence;AndallthegodsguardCaesar!

Tri.Takehimhence.

Hat.Hence.

Cot.Tothedungeonwithhim.

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San.Hedeservesit.

Sen.Crownallourdoorslwithbays.

San.Andletanox,

Withgildedhornsandgarlands,straightbeledUntotheCapitol—

Hat.AndsacrificedToJove,forCaesar'ssafety.

Tri.AllourgodsBepresentstilltoCaesar!

Cot.Phoebus.

San.Mars.

Hat.Diana.

San.Pallas.

Sen.Juno,Mercury,Allguardhim!

Mac.Forth,thouprodigyofmen![ExitSejanus,guarded.

Cot.Letallthetraitor'stitlesbedefaced.

Tri.Hisimagesandstatuesbepull'ddown.

Hat.Hischariot-wheelsbebroken.

Arr.Andthelegs

Ofthepoorhorses,thatdeservednought,Letthembebrokentoo!

[ExeuntLictors,Prcecones,Macro,Regulus,Trio,Haterius,andSanquinius:manentLepidus,Arruntius,andafewSenators.

Lep.Oviolentchange,Andwhirlofmen'saffections!

Arr.Like,asboth

TheirbulksandsoulswereboundonFortune'swheel,Andmustactonlywithhermotion.

Lep.Whowoulddependuponthepopularair,Orvoiceofmen,thathaveto-daybeheldThatwhich,ifallthegodshadfore-declared,Wouldnothavebeenbelieved,Sejanus'fall?He,thatthismornroseproudly,asthesun,And,breakingthroughamistofclients'breath,Cameon,asgazedatandadmiredashe,

1Leg.Juv.Sat.x.

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WhensuperstitiousMoorssalutehislight!ThathadourservilenobleswaitinghimAscommongrooms;andhangingonhislook,Nolessthanhumanlifeondestiny1Thathadmen'skneesasfrequentasthegods;AndsacrificeslmorethanRomehadaltars:Andthismanfall!fall?ay,withoutalookThatdurstappearhisfriend,orlendsomuchOfvainrelief,tohischangedstate,aspity!

Arr.Theythatbefore,likegnats,play'dinhisbeams,Andthrong'dtocircumscribehim,nownotseenNordeigntoholdacommonseatwithhim!Others,thatwaitedhimuntothesenate,Nowinhumanelyravishhimtoprison,Whom,butthismorn,theyfollow'dastheirlord!Guardthroughthestreets,boundlikeafugitive,Insteadofwreathsgivefetters,strokesforstoops,Blindshamesforhonours,andblacktauntsfortitles!Whowouldtrustslipperychance?

Lep.TheythatwouldmakeThemselvesherspoil;andfoolishlyforget,Whenshedothflatter,thatshecomestoprey.Fortune,thouhadstnodeity,ifmenHadwisdom:wehaveplacedtheesohigh,Byfondbeliefinthyfelicity.

[Shoutwithin.]ThegodsguardCaesar!AllthegodsguardCsesar!

Re-enterMACRO,REGULTJS,anddiversSenators.

Mac.Now,greatSejanus,2youthatawedthestate,Andsoughttobringthenoblestoyourwhip;ThatwouldbeCaesar'stutor,anddisposeOfdignitiesandoffices!thathadThepublicheadstillbaretoyourdesigns,Andmadethegeneralvoicetoechoyours!Thatlook'dforsalutationstwelvescoreoff,Andwouldhavepyramids,yeatemples,rear'dToyourhugegreatness;nowyoulieasflat,Aswasyourprideadvanced!

Reg.Thankstothegods!

Sen.AndpraisetoMacro,thathathsavedRome!Liberty,liberty,liberty!Leadon,AndpraisetoMacro,thathathsavedRome!

[ExeuntallbutArrunliusandLepidus.

Arr.Iprophesy,outofthesenate'sflattery,Thatthisnewfellow,Macro,willbecomeAgreaterprodigyinRome,thanheThatnowisfallen.

1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.719,rtc.

1Vid.Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.720,etc.

EnterTERENTIUS.

Ter.0you,whosemindsaregood,Andhavenotforcedallmankindfromyourbreasts;Thatyethavesomuchstockofvirtueleft,Topityguiltystates,whentheyarewretched:Lendyoursoftearstohear,andeyestoweep,Deedsdonebymen,beyondtheactsoffuries.Theeagermultitude(whoneveryetKnewwhytoloveorhate,butonlypleasedT'expresstheirrageofpower)nosoonerheardThemurmurofSejanusindecline,Butwiththatspeedandheatofappetite,WithwhichtheygreedilydevourthewayTosomegreatsports,oranewtheatre,

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Theyfill'dtheCapitol,andPompey'sCirque,Where,likesomanymastiffs,bitingstones,AsifhisstatuesnowweresensitiveOftheirwildfury;first,theytearthemdown;lThenfasteningropes,dragthemalongthestreets,Cryinginscorn,This,thiswasthatrichheadWascrown'dwithgarlands,andwithodours,thisThatwasinRomesoreverenced!NowThefurnaceandthebellowsshalltowork,ThegreatSejanuscrack,andpiecebypieceDropinthefounder'spit.

Lep.0popularrage!

Ter.ThewhilstthesenateatthetempleofConcord2Makehastetomeetagain,andthrongingcry,Letuscondemnhim,treadhimdowninwater,Whilehedothlieuponthebank;away!Whilesomemoretardy,cryuntotheirbearers,Hewillbecensurederewecome;run,knaves,Andusethatfuriousdiligence,forfearTheirbondmenshouldinformagainsttheirslackness,Andbringtheirquakingfleshuntothehook:Therouttheyfollowwithconfusedvoice,Crying,they'reglad,say,theycouldne'erabidehim,Enquirewhatmanhewas,whatkindofface,Whatbeardhehad,whatnose,whatlips?ProtestTheyeverdidpresagehe'dcometothis;Theyneverthoughthimwise,norvaliant;askAfterhisgarments,whenhedies,whatdeath;Andnotabeastofalltheherddemands,Whatwashiscrime,orwhowerehisaccusers,Underwhatproofortestimonyhefell?Therecame,saysone,ahugelong-wordedletterFromCapreseagainsthim.Didthereso'(1Vid.Juv.Sat.x.2Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.720.

O,theyaresatisfied;nomore.

Lep.Alas!

TheyfollowFortune,1andhatemencondemn'd,Guiltyornot.

Arr.ButhadSejanusthrivedInhisdesign,andprosperouslyopprestTheoldTiberius;then,inthatsameminute,Theseveryrascals,thatnowragelikefuries,Wouldhaveproclaim'dSejanusemperor.

Lep.Butwhathathfoliow'd?

Ter.Sentence2bythesenate,Tolosehishead;whichwasnosooneroff,ButthatandtheunfortunatetrunkwereseizedBytherudemultitude;whonotcontentWithwhattheforwardjusticeofthestateOfficiouslyhaddone,withviolentrageHaverentitlimbfromlimb.Athousandheads,Athousandhands,tenthousandtonguesandvoices,Employ'datonceinseveralactsofmalice!Oldmennotstaidwithage.virginswithshame,Latewiveswithlossofhusbands,mothersofchildren,Losingallgriefinjoyofhissadfall,Runquitetransportedwiththeircruelty!Thesemountingathishead,theseathisface,Thesediggingouthiseyes,thosewithhisbrainsSprinklingthemselves,theirhousesandtheirfriends;Othersaremet,haveravish'dthenceanarm,Anddealsmallpiecesofthefleshforfavours;Thesewithathigh,thishathcutoffhishands,Andthishisfeet;thesefingersandthesetoes;Thathathhisliver,hehisheart:therewantsNothingbutroomforwrath,andplaceforhatred!Whatcannotoftbedone,isnowo'erdone.Thewhole,andallofwhatwasgreatSejanus,And,nexttoCaesar,didpossesstheworld,Nowtornandscatterd,asheneedsnograve;Eachlittledustcoversalittlepart:Solieshenowhere,andyetoftenburied!

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EnterNUNTIUS.

Arr.MoreofSejanus?

Nun.Yes.

Lep.Whatcanbeadded?Weknowhimdead.

Nun.Thentherebeginyourpity.Thereisenoughbehindtomeltev'nRome,

1Juv.Sat.x.

1Dio.Rom.Hist.Lib.Iviii.p.720.SC-TIPC.lib.deTranq.Anim.c.nQuodieiliumsenatusdeduxerat,populusinfrustadivisit.

AndCaesarintotears;sinceneverslaveCouldyetsohighlyoffend,buttyranny,Intorturinghim,wouldmakehimworthlamenting.—AsonanddaughtertothedeadSejanus,(Ofwhom*thereisnotnowsomuchremainingAswouldgivefast'ningtothehangman'shook,)Havetheydrawnforthforfarthersacrifice;Whosetendernessofknowledge,unripeyears,Andchildishsillyinnocencewassuch,Asscarcewouldlendthemfeelingoftheirdanger:Thegirl2sosimple,assheoftenask'd

"Wheretheywouldleadher?forwhatcausetheydragg'dher?"Cried,"Shewoulddonomore:'thatshecouldtake'Warningwithbeating."AndbecauseourlawsAdmitnovirgin3immaturetodie,ThewittilyandstrangelycruelMacroDeliver'dhertobedeflower'dandspoil'd,Bytherudelustofthelicentioushangman,Thentobestrangledwithherharmlessbrother.

Lep.O,actmostworthyhell,andlastingnight,Tohideitfromtheworld!

Nun.TheirbodiesthrownIntotheGemonies,(Iknownothow,Orbywhataccidentreturn'd,)themother,Theexpulsed4Apicata,findsthemthere;Whomwhenshesawliespreadonthedegrees,5Afteraworldoffuryonherself,Tearingherhair,defacingofherface,Beatingherbreastsandwomb,kneelingamaz'd,Cryingtoheaven,thentothem;atlast,Herdrownedvoicegatupaboveherwoes,Andwithsuchblackandbitterexecrations,Asmightaffrightthegods,andforcethesunRunbackwardtotheeast;nay,maketheoldDeformedchaosriseagain,too'erwhelmThem,us,andalltheworld,shefillstheair,Upbraidstheheavenswiththeirpartialdooms,Defiestheirtyrannouspowers,6anddemands,Whatshe,andthosepoorinnocentshavetransgressed,Thattheymustsuffersuchashareinvengeance,WhilstLivia,Lygdus,andEudemuslive,Who,asshesays,andfirmlyvowstoproveitToCaesarandthesenate,poison'dDrusus?

1Vid.Senec.lib.deTranq.Ani.c.xi.

!Tac.Ann.Lib.v.p.99.EtDio.Lib.Iviii.p.720.

3Lexnontarnvirginitatiignotumcautumquevoluitquamaetati.Cons.Lips,comment.Tac.

4Dio.Lib.Iviii.c.720.

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*ScalaeGemoniseinquaserantprojectadamnator.corpora.'Dio.Lib.Iviii.p.720.

Lep,Confederateswithherhusband!

Nun.Ay.

Lep.Strangeact!

Arr.Andstrangelyopen'd:whatsaysnowmymonster,Themultitude?theyreelnow,dotheynot?

Nun.Theirgallisgone,andnowthey'gintoweepThemischieftheyhavedone.

Arr.Ithank'em,rogues.

Nun.Partaresostupid,orsoflexible,Astheybelievehiminnocent;allgrieve:Andsomewhosehandsyetreekwithhiswarmblood,Andgripethepartwhichtheydidtearofhim,Wishhimcollectedandcreatednew.

Lep.HowFortuneplieshersports,whenshebeginsTopractisethem!pursues,continues,adds,Confoundswithvaryingherimpassion'dmoods!

Arr.Dostthouhope,Fortune,toredeemthycrimes,Tomakeamendforthyill-placedfavours,Withthesestrangepunishments?Forbear,youthingsThatstanduponthepinnaclesofstate,Toboastyourslipperyheight;whenyoudofall,Youpashyourselvesinpieces,ne'ertorise;Andhethatlendsyoupity,isnotwise.

Ter.Letthisexamplemovetheinsolentman,Nottogrowproudandcarelessofthegods.Itisanodiouswisdomtoblaspheme,-Muchmoretoslighten,ordenytheirpowers:For,whomthemorningsawsogreatandhigh,Thuslowandlittle,'foretheevendothhe.[Exeunt.

VOLPONE;OR,THEFOX

TOTHEMOSTNOBLEANDMOSTEQUALSISTERS,

THETWOFAMOUSUNIVERSITIES,

FORTHEIRLOVEANDACCEPTANCESHEWNTOHISPOEMINTHE

PRESENTATION,

BENJONSON,

THEGRATEFULACKNOWLEDGER,

DEDICATESBOTHITANDHIMSELF.

NEVER,mostequalSisters,hadanymanawitsopresentlyexcellent,asthatitcouldraiseitself;buttheremustcomebothmatter,occasion,commenders,andfavourerstoit.Ifthisbe

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true,andthatthefortuneofallwritersdothdailyproveit,itbehovesthecarefultoprovidewelltowardstheseaccidents;and,havingacquiredthem,topreservethatpartofreputationmosttenderly,whereinthebenefitofafriendisalsodefended.Henceisit,thatInowrendermyselfgrateful,andamstudioustojustifythebountyofyouract;towhich,thoughyourmereauthorityweresatisfying,yetitbeinganagewhereinpoetryandtheprofessorsofithearsoillonallsides,therewillareasonbelookedforinthesubject.Itiscertain,norcanitwithanyforeheadbeopposed,thatthetoomuchlicenseofpoetastersinthistime,hathmuchdeformedtheirmistress;that,everyday,theirmanifoldandmanifestignorancedothstickunnaturalreproachesuponher:butfortheirpetulancy,itwereanactofthegreatestinjustice,eithertoletthelearnedsuffer,orsodivineaskill(whichindeedshouldnotbeattemptedwithuncleanhands)tofallundertheleastcontempt.For,ifmenwillimpartially,andnotasquint,looktowardtheofficesandfunctionofapoet,theywilleasilyconcludetothemselvestheimpossibilityofanyman'sbeingthegoodpoet,withoutfirstbeingagoodman.Hethatissaidtobeabletoinformyoungmentoallgooddisciplines,inflamegrownmentoallgreatvirtues,keepoldmenintheirbestandsupremestate,or,astheydeclinetochildhood,recoverthemtotheirfirststrength;thatcomesforththeinterpreterandarbiterofnature,ateacherofthingsdivinenolessthanhuman,amasterinmanners;andcanalone,orwithafew,effectthebusinessofmankind:this,Itakehim,isnosubjectforprideandignorancetoexercisetheirrailingrhetoricupon.Butitwillherebehastilyanswered,thatthewritersofthesedaysareotherthings;thatnotonlytheirmanners,buttheirnatures,areinverted,andnothingremainingwiththemofthedignityofpoet,buttheabusedname,whicheveryscribeusurps;thatnow,especiallyindramatic,or,astheytermit,stage-poetry,nothingbutribaldry,profanation,blasphemy,alllicenseofoffencetoGodandmanispractised.Idarenotdenyagreatpartofthis,andamsorryIdarenot,becauseinsomemen'sabortivefeatures(andwouldtheyhadneverboastedthelight)itisover-true;butthatallareembarkedinthisboldadventureforhell,isamostuncharitablethought,and,uttered,amoremaliciousslander.Formyparticular,Ican,andfromamostclearconscience,affirm,thatIhaveevertrembledtothinktowardtheleastprofaneness;haveloathedtheuseofsuchfoulandun-

washedbawdry,asisnowmadethefoodofthescone:and,howsoeverIcannotescapefromsome,theimputationofsharpness,butthattheywillsay,Ihavetakenapride,orlust,tobebitter,andnotmyyoungestinfantbuthathcomeintotheworldwithallhisteeth;IwouldaskoftheseSuperciliouspolitics,whatnation,society,orgeneralorderorstate,Ihaveprovoked?Whatpublicperson?WhetherIhavenotinallthesepreservedtheirdignity,asmineownperson,safe?Myworksareread,allowed,(Ispeakofthosethatareintirelymine,)lookintothem,whatbroadreproofshaveIused?wherehaveIbeenparticular?wherepersonal?excepttoamimic,cheater,bawd,orbuffoon,creatures,fortheirinsolencies,worthytobetaxed?yettowhichofthesesopointingly,ashemightnoteitheringenuouslyhaveconfest,orwiselydissembledhisdisease?Butitisnotrumourcanmakemenguilty,muchlessentitlemetoothermen'scrimes.Iknow,thatnothingcanbesoinnocentlywritorcarried,butmaybemadeobnoxioustoconstruction;marry,whilstIbearmineinnocenceaboutme,Ifearitnot.Applicationisnowgrownatradewithmany;andtherearethatprofesstohaveakeyforthedecypheringofeverything:butletwiseandnoblepersonstakeheedhowtheybetoocredulous,orgiveleavetotheseinvadinginterpreterstobeover-familiarwiththeirfames,whocunningly,andoften,uttertheirownvirulentmalice,underothermen'ssimplestmeanings.Asforthosethatwill(byfaultswhichcharityhathrakedup,

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orcommonhonestyconcealed)makethemselvesanamewiththemultitude,or,todrawtheirrudeandbeastlyclaps,carenotwhoselivingfacestheyintrenchwiththeirpetulantstyles,maytheydoitwithoutarival,forme!Ichooserathertolivegravedinobscurity,thansharewiththeminsopreposterousafame.NorcanIblamethewishesofthosesevereandwisepatriots,whoprovidingthehurtstheselicentiousspiritsmaydoinastate,desirerathertoseefoolsanddevils,andthoseantiquerelicsofbarbarismretrieved,withallotherridiculousandexplodedfollies,thanbeholdthewoundsofprivatemen,ofprincesandnations:for,asHoracemakesTrebatiusspeakamongthese]

"Sibiquisquetimet,quanquamestintactus,etodit."

Andmenmayjustlyimputesuchrages,ifcontinued,tothewriter,ashissports.Theincreaseofwhichlustinliberty,togetherwiththepresenttradeofthestage,inalltheirmiscellineinterludes,whatlearnedorliberalsouldothnotalreadyabhor?wherenothingbutthefilthofthetimeisuttered,andwithsuchimproprietyofphrase,suchplentyofsolecisms,suchdearthofsense,soboldprolepses,sorackedmetaphors,withbrothelry]abletoviolatetheearofapagan,andblasphemy,toturnthebloodof'aChristiantowater.Icannotbutbeseriousinacauseofthisnature,whereinmyfame,andthereputationofdivershonestandlearnedarethequestion;whenanamesofullofauthority,antiquity,andallgreatmark,is,throughtheirinsolence,becomethelowestscornoftheage;andthosemensubjecttothepetulancyofeveryvernaculousorator,thatwerewonttobethecareofkingsandhappiestmonarchs.Thisitisthathathnotonlyraptmetopresentindignation,butmademestudiousheretofore,andbyallmyactions,tostandofffromthem;whichmaymostappear-inthismylatestwork,whichyou,mostlearnedArbitresses,haveseen,judged,andtomycrown,approved;whereinIhavelabouredfortheirinstructionandamendment,toreducenotonlytheancientforms,butmannersofthescene,theeasiness,thepropriety,theinnocence,andlast,thedoctrine,whichistheprincipalendofpoesie,toinformmeninthe1reasonofliving.Andthoughmycatastrophemay,inthestrictrigourofcomiclaw,meetwithcensure,asturningbacktomypromise;Idesirethelearnedandcharitablecritic,tohavesomuchfaithinme,tothinkitwasdoneofindustry:for,withwhateaseIcouldhavevarieditnearerhisscale(butthatIfeartoboastmy<nvnfaculty)Icouldhereinsert.I'.ntmyspecialaimbeingtoputthesnattleintheirmouths,thatcryout,We

BenJonson'sPlays

402

neverpunishviceinourinterludes,etc.,Itookthemoreliberty;thoughnotwithoutsomelinesofexample,drawnevenintheancientsthemselves,thegoingsoutofwhosecomediesarenotalwaysjoyful,butofttimesthebawds,theservants^therivals,yea,andthemastersaremulcted;andfitly,itbeingtheofficeofacomicpoettoimitatejustice,andinstructtolife,aswellaspurityoflanguage,orstirupgentleaffections;towhichIshalltaketheoccasionelsewheretospeak.

Forthepresent,mostreverencedSisters,asIhavecaredtobethankfulforyouraffectionspast,andheremadetheunderstandingacquaintedwithsomegroundofyourfavours;letmenotdespairtheircontinuance,tothematuringofsomeworthierfruits;wherein,ifmymusesbetruetome,Ishallraisethedespisedheadofpoetryagain,andstrippingheroutofthose

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rottenandbaseragswherewiththetimeshaveadulteratedherform,restorehertoherprimitivehabit,feature,andmajesty,andrenderherworthytobeembracedandkistofallthegreatandmaster-spiritsofourworld.Asforthevileandslothful,whoneveraffectedanactworthyofcelebration,oraresoinwardwiththeirownviciousnatures,astheyworthilyfearher,andthinkitanhighpointofpolicytokeepherincontempt,withtheirdeclamatoryandwindyinvectives;sheshalloutofjustrageinciteherservants(whoaregenusirritabile)tospoutinkintheirfaces,thatshalleatfartherthantheirmarrowintotheirfames;andnotCinnamusthebarber,withhisart,shallbeabletotakeoutthebrands;buttheyshalllive,andberead,tillthewretchesdie,asthingsworstdeservingofthemselvesinchief,andthenofallmankind.

FrommyHouseintheBlack-Friars,thisnthdayofFebruary,1607.

DRAMATISPERSONS

VOLPONE,aMagnifico.

MOSCA,hisParasite.

VOLTORE,anAdvocate.

CORBACCIO,anoldGentleman.

CORVINO,aMerchant.

BONARIO,sontoCorbaccio.

SIRPOLITICKWOULD-BE,aKnight.

PEREGRINE,aGentlemanTraveller.

NANO,aDwarf.

CASTRONE,anEunuch.

ANDROGYNO,anHermaphrodite.

GREGE(orMob]

Commandadori,OfficersofJustice.Mercatori,threeMerchants.Avocatori,fourMagistrates.Notario,theRegister.

LADYWOULD-BE,SirPolitick'sWife.CELIA,Corvino'sWife.

Servitori,Servants,twoWaiting-women,etc.

SCENE,—VENICE

THEARGUMENT.

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Volpone,childless,rich,feignssick,despairs,

0ffershisstatetohopesofseveralheirs,

Lieslanguishing:hisparasitereceives

Presentsofall,assures,deludes;thenweaves

0thercrossplots,whichopethemselves,aretold.*

Newtricksforsafetyaresought;theythrive:whenbold,

Eachtemptstheotheragain,andallaresold,

f

PROLOGUE.

Now,luckyetsendus,andalittlewit

Willservetomakeourplayhit;(Accordingtothepalatesoftheseason)

Hereisrhime,notemptyofreason.Thiswewerebidtocreditfromourpoet,

Whosetruescope,ifyouwouldknowit,Inallhispoemsstillhathbeenthismeasure,

Tomixprofitwithyourpleasure;Andnotassome,whosethroatstheirenvyfailing,

Cryhoarsely,Allhewritesisrailing:Andwhenhisplayscomeforth,thinktheycanfloutthem,

Withsaying,hewasayearaboutthem.Tothisthereneedsnolie,butthishiscreature,

Whichwastwomonthssincenofeature;Andthoughhedaresgivethemfivelivestomendit,

'Tisknown,fiveweeksfullypenn'dit,Fromhisownhand,withoutaco-adjutor,

Novice,journey-man,ortutor.YetthusmuchIcangiveyouasatoken

Ofhisplay'sworth,noeggsarebroken,Norquakingcustardswithfierceteethaffrighted,

Wherewithyourroutaresodelighted;Norhalesheinagulloldendsreciting,

Tostopgapsinhisloosewritit/'/:Withsuchadealofmonstrousandforcedaction,

AsmightmakeBethlemafaction:Normadehehisplayfor;V.</.<?stolenfromeachtable,

Butmakesjeststofithisfable;

Andsopresentsquickcomedyrefined,

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Asbestcriticshavedesigned;Thelawsoftime,place,personsheobserveth,

Fromnoneedfulruleheswerveth.Allgallandcopperasfromhisinkhedraineth,

Onlyalittlesaltremaineth,Wherewithhe'llrubyourcheeks,tillred,withlaughter,

Theyshalllookfreshaweekafter.

ACTI

SCENEI.—ARoominVOLPONE'SHouse.EnterVOLPONEandMOSCA.

Volp.Goodmorningtotheday;andnext,mygold!—Opentheshrine,thatImayseemysaint.

\_Moscawithdrawsthecurtain,anddiscoverspilesofgold,

plate,jewels,etc.

Hailtheworld'ssoul,andmine!moregladthaniaTheteemingearthtoseethelong'd-forsunPeepthroughthe!ornsofthecelestialRam,AmI,toviewthysplendourdarkeninghis;Thatlyinghere,amongstmyotherhoards,Shew'stlikeaflamebynight,orlikethedayStruckoutofchaos,whenalldarknessfledUntothecentre.0thousonofSol,Butbrighterthanthyfather,letmekiss,Withadoration,thee,andeveryrelickOfsacredtreasureinthisblessedroom.Welldidwisepoets,bythygloriousname,Titlethatagewhichtheywouldhavethebest;Thoubeingthebestofthings,andfartranscendingAllstyleofjoy,inchildren,parents,friends,Oranyotherwakingdreamonearth:ThylookswhentheytoVenusdidascribe,TheyshouldhavegivenhertwentythousandCupids;Sucharethybeautiesandourloves!Dearsaint,Riches,thedumbgod,thatgiv'stallmentongues,Thoucanstdonought,andyetmak'stmendoallthings;Thepriceofsouls;evenhell,withtheetoboot,Ismadeworthheaven.Thouartvirtue,fame,Honour,andallthingselse.Whocangetthee,

Heshallbenoblevaliant,honest,wise—

Mos.Andwhathewill,sir.RichesareinfortuneAgreatergoodthanwisdomisinnature.

Volp.True,mybelovedMosca.YetIgloryMoreinthecunningpurchaseofmywealth,Thaninthegladpossession,sinceIgainXocommonway;Iusenotrade,noventure;Iwoundnoearthwithplough-shares,fatnobeasts,Tofeedtheshambles;havenomillsforiron,Oil,corn,ormen,togrindthemintopowder:Iblownosubtleglass,exposenoshipsTothreat'ningsofthefurrow-facedsea;Iturnnomoniesinthepublicbank,Norusureprivate.

Mos.No,sir,nordevour

Softprodigals.YoushallhavesomewillswallowAmeltingheirasgliblyasyourDutchWillpillsofbutter,andne'erpurgeforit;TearforththefathersofpoorfamiliesOutoftheirbeds,andcoffinthemaliveInsomekindclaspingprison,wheretheirbonesMaybeforth-coming,whenthefleshisrotten:Butyoursweetnaturedothabhorthesecourses;Youlothethewidow'sortheorphan'stearsShouldwashyourpavements,ortheirpiteouscriesRingin

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yourroofs,andbeattheairforvengeance.

Volp.Right,Mosca;Idolotheit.

Mos.Andbesides,sir,

YouarenotlikethethresherthatdothstandWithahugeflail,watchingaheapofcorn,And,hungry,daresnottastethesmallestgrain,Butfeedsonmallows,andsuchbitterherbs;Xorlikethemerchant,whohathfill'dhisvaultsWithRomagnia,andrichCandianwines,YetdrinkstheleesofLombard'svinegar:Youwilllienotinstraw,whilstmothsandwormsFeedonyoursumptuoushangingsandsoftbeds;Youknowtheuseofriches,anddaregivenowFromthatbrightheap,tome,yourpoorobserver,Ortoyourdwarf,oryourhermaphrodite,Youreunuch,orwhatotherhouseholdtrifleYourpleasureallowsmaintenance—

Volp.Holdthee,Mosca,\Civeshimmoney.

Takeofmyhand;thoustrik'stontruthinall,Andtheyareenvioustermtheeparasite.Callforthmydwarf,myeunuch,andmyfool,Andletthemmakemesport.[ExitMos.]WhatshouldIdo,Butcockerupmygenius,andlivefreeToalldelightsmyfortunecallsmeto?

Ihavenowife,noparent,child,ally,Togivemysubstanceto;butwhomImakeMustbemyheir:andthismakesmenobserveme:Thisdrawsnewclientsdailytomyhouse,Womenandmenofeverysexandage,Thatbringmepresents,sendmeplate,coin,jewels,WithhopethatwhenIdie(whichtheyexpectEachgreedyminute)itshallthenreturnTen-folduponthem;whilstsome,covetousAbovetherest,seektoengrossmewhole,Andcounter-worktheoneuntotheother,Contendingifts,astheywouldseeminlove:AllwhichIsuffer,playingwiththeirhopes,Andamcontenttocointhemintoprofit,Andlookupontheirkindness,andtakemore,Andlookonthat;stillbearingtheminhand,Lettingthecherryknockagainsttheirlips,Anddrawitbytheirmouths,andbackagain.—Hownow!

Re-enterMOSCAwithNANO,ANDROGYNO,andCASTRONE.

Nan.Now,roomforfreshgamesters,whodowillyoutoknow,

Theydobringyouneitherplaynoruniversityshow;Andthereforedoentreatyou,thatwhatsoevertheyrehearse,

Maynotfareawhittheworse,forthefalsepaceoftheverse.Ifyouwonderatthis,youwillwondermoreerewepass,

Forknow,hereisinclosedthesoulofPythagoras,Thatjugglerdivine,ashereaftershallfollow;

Whichsoul,fastandloose,sir,camefirstfromApollo,AndwasbreathedintoJEthalides,Mercuriushisson,

Whereithadthegifttorememberallthateverwasdone,.Fromthenceitfledforth,andmadequicktransmigration

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Togoldly-lockedEuphorbus,whowaskilledingoodfashion.AtthesiegeofoldTroy,bythecuckoldofSparta.

Hermotimuswasnext(Ifinditinmycharta)Towhomitdidpass,wherenosooneritwasmissing

ButwithonePyrrhusofDelositlearnedtogoafishing;AndthencediditenterthesophistofGreece.

FromPythagore,shewentintoabeautifulpiece,EightAspasia,themeretrix;andthenexttossofher

Wasagainofawhore,shebecameaphilosopher,Cratesthecynick,asitselfdothrelateit:

Sincekings,knights,andbeggars,knaves,lords,andfoolsgatit,Besidesoxandass,camel,mule,goat,andbrock,

Inallwhichithathspoke,asinthecobler'scock.ButIcomenotheretodiscourseoftliatmatter,

Orhisone,two,orthree,orhisgreatoath,BYQUATER!Hismusics,histrigon,hisgoldenthigh,

Orhistellinghowelementsshift,butI

Wouldask,howoflatethouhastsufferedtranslation,

Andshiftedthycoatinthesedaysofreformation.And.Likeoneofthereformed,afool,asyousee.

Countingallolddoctrineheresie.Xan.Butnotonthineownforbidmeatshastthouventured?

And.Onfish,whenfirstaCarthusianIentered.Xan.Why,thenthydogmaticalsilencehathleftthee?

And.Ofthatanobstreperouslawyerbereftme.Xan.0wonderfulchange,whensirlawyerforsooktheeI

ForPythagore'ssake,whatbodythentookthee?And.Agooddullmule.Xan.Andhowtbyiliatmeans

Thouwertbroughttoallowoftheeatingofbeans?And.Yes.Xan.Butfromthemuleintowhomdidstthoupass?

And.Intoaverystrangebeast,bysomewriterscalVdanass;Byothers,aprecise,pure,illuminatebrother.

Ofthosedevourflesh,andsometimesoneanother;Andwilldropyouforthalibel,ora

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sanctifiedlie,

Betwixteveryspoonfulofanativity-pie.Xan.Nowquitthee,forheaven,ofthatprofanenation,

Andgentlyreportthynexttransmigration.And.TothesamethatIam.Nan.Acreatureofdelight,

And,whatismorethanafool,anhermaphrodite!Now,prithee,sweetsoul,inallthyvariation,

Whichbodywould"stthouchoose,tokeepupthystation?And.Troth,thisIamin:evenherewouldItarry.

Xan.!*Causeherethedelightofeachsexthoucanstvary?And.Alas,thosepleasuresbestaleandforsaken;

No,'tisyourfoolwherewithIamsotaken,TheonlyonecreaturethatIcancallblessed;

ForallotherformsIhaveprovedmostdistressed.Xan.Spoketrue,asthouwertinPythagorasstill.

Thislearnedopinionwecelebratewill,Felloweunuch,asbehovesus,withallourwitandart,

Todignifythatwhereofourselvesaresogreatandspecialapart.

Volp.Now,very,verypretty!Mosca,thisWasthyinvention?

Mos.Ifitpleasemypatron,Notelse.

Volp.Itdoth,goodMosca.Thenitwas,sir.

XANOandCASTROXEsing.

Fools,theyaretheonlynation

Worthmen'senvyoradmiration:

Freefromcareorsorrow-taking,

Selvesandothersmerrymaking:

Alltheyspeakordoissterling.

Yourfoolheisyourgrratman'sdarling,

Andyourladies'sportandpleasure;

Tongueandbaublearehistreasure.

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E'enhisfacebegettethlaughter,

Andhespeakstruthfreefromslaughter;

He'sthegraceofeveryfeast,

Andsometimesthechiefestguest;

Hathhistrencherandhisstool,

Whenwitwaitsuponthefool.

O,whowouldnotbe

He,he,he?[Knockingivithout.

Volp.Who'sthat?Away![ExeuntNanoandCastrone.]Look,Mosca.Fool,begone![ExitAndrogyno.

Mos.'TissigniorVoltore,theadvocate;Iknowhimbyhisknock.

Volp.Fetchmemygown,

Myfursandnight-caps;say,mycouchischanging,Andlethimentertainhimselfawhile

Withouti'thegallery.[ExitMosca.]Now,now,myclientsBegintheirvisitation!Vulture,kite,Raven,andgorcrow,allmybirdsofprey,Thatthinkmeturningcarcase,nowtheycome;Iamnotforthemyet—

Re-enterMOSCA,withthegown,etc.

Hownow1thenews?

Mos.Apieceofplate,sir.

Volp.Ofwhatbigness?

Mos.Huge,

Massy,andantique,withyournameinscribed,Andarmsengraven.

Volp.Good!andnotafox

Stretch'dontheearth,withfinedelusivesleights.Mockingagapingcrow?ha,Mosca!

Mos.Sharp,sir.

Volp.Givememyfurs.[Putsonhissickdress.]Whydostthoulaughso,man?

Mos.Icannotchoose,sir,whenIapprehendWhatthoughtshehaswithoutnow,ashewalks:

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Thatthismightbethelastgiftheshouldgive;Thatthiswouldfetchyou;ifyoudiedto-day,Andgavehimall,whatheshouldbeto-morrow;Whatlargereturnwouldcomeofallhisventures;Howheshouldworship'dbe,andreverenced;Ridewithhisfurs,andfoot-cloths;waitedonItyherdsoffools,andclients;haveclearwayMadeforhismule,asletter'dashimself;Becall'dthegreatandlearnedadvocate:Andthenconcludes,there'snoughtimpossible.

Volp.Yes,tobelearned,Mosca.

Mos.O,no:rich

Impliesit.Hoodanasswithreverendpurple,Soyoucanhidehistwoambitiousears,Andheshallpassforacathedraldoctor.

Volp.Mycaps,mycaps,goodMosca.Fetchhimin.

Mos.Stay,sir;yourointmentforyoureyes.

Volp.That'strue;

Dispatch,dispatch:IlongtohavepossessionOfmynewpresent.

Mos.That,andthousandsmore,Ihopetoseeyoulordof.

Volp.Thanks,kindMosca.

Mos.Andthat,whenIamlostinblendeddust,AndhundredsuchasIam,insuccession—

Volp.Nay,thatweretoomuch,Mosca.

Mos.Youshalllive,Still,todeludetheseharpies.

Volp.LovingMosca!

'Tiswell:mypillownow,andlethimenter.[ExitMosca.

Now,myfeign'dcough,myphthisic,andmygout,Myapoplexy,palsy,andcatarrhs,Help,withyourforcedfunctions,thismyposture,Wherein,thisthreeyear,Ihavemilk'dtheirhopes.Hecomes;Ihearhim—Uh!{coughing.}uh!uh!uh!O—

Re-enterMOSCA,introducingVOLTORE,withapieceofPlate.

Mos.Youstillarewhatyouwere,sir.Onlyyou,Ofalltherest,arehecommandshislove,Andyoudowiselytopreserveitthus,Withearlyvisitation,andkindnotesOfyourgoodmeaningtohim,which,Iknow,Cannotbutcomemostgrateful.Patron!sir!Here'ssigniorVoltoreiscome—

Volp.[faintly.}Whatsayyou?

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Mos.Sir,signiorVoltoreiscomethismorningTovisityou.

Volp.Ithankhim.

Mos.Andhathbrought

Apieceofantiqueplate,boughtofSt.Mark,Withwhichheherepresentsyou.

Volp.Heiswelcome.Prayhimtocomemoreoften.

Mos.Yes.

\'<>lt.Whatsayshe?

Mos.Hethanksyou,anddesiresyouseehimoften.

I"Ip.Mosca.

.I/ox.Mypatron!

Vnlp.KriML'himnear,whereishe?Ilongtofeelhishand.

Mos.Theplateishere,sir.

Volt.Howfareyou,sir?

Volp.Ithankyou,signiorVoltore;Whereistheplate?mineeyesarebad.

Volt,[puttingitintohishands.]I'msorry,Toseeyoustillthusweak.

Mos.Thathe'snotweaker.„[Aside.

Volp.Youaretoomunificent.

Volt.No,sir;wouldtoheaven,Icouldaswellgivehealthtoyou,asthatplate!

Volp.Yougive,sir,whatyoucan:Ithankyou.YourloveHathtasteinthis,andshallnotbeunanswer'd:Iprayyouseemeoften.

Volt.Yes,Ishall,sir.

Volp.Benotfarfromme.

Mos.Doyouobservethat,sir?

Volp.Hearkenuntomestill;itwillconcernyou.

Mos.Youareahappyman,sir;knowyourgood.

Volp.Icannotnowlastlong—

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Mos.Youarehisheir,sir.

Volt.Ami?

Volp.Ifeelmegoing;Uh!uh!uh!uh!I'msailingtomyport,Uh!uh!uh!uh!AndIamgladIamsonearmyhaven.

Mos.Alas,kindgentleman!Weil,wemustallgo—

Volt.But,Mosca—

Mos.Agewillconquer.

Volt.'Praythee,hearme:AmIinscribedhisheirforcertain?

Mos.Areyou!

Idobeseechyou,sir,youwillvouchsafeTowritemeinyourfamily.AllmyhopesDependuponyourworship:Iamlost,Excepttherisingsundoshineonme.

Volt.Itshallbothshine,andwarmthee,Mosca.

Mos.Sir,

Iamaman,thathathnotdoneyourloveAlltheworstoffices:hereIwearyourkeys,Seeallyourcoffersandyourcasketslock'd,Keepthepoorinventoryofyourjewels,Yourplateandmonies;amyoursteward,sir,Husbandyourgoodshere.

Volt.ButamIsoleheir?

Mos.Withoutapartner,sir;confirm'dthismorning:Thewaxiswarmyet,andtheinkscarcedryUpontheparchment.

Volt.Happy,happy,me!Bywhatgoodchance,sweetMosca?

Mos.Yourdesert,sir;

Iknownosecondcause.

Volt.ThymodestyIsnottoknowit;well,weshallrequiteit.

Mos.Heeverlikedyourcourse,sir;thatfirsttookhim.Iofthaveheardhimsay,howheadmiredMenofyourlargeprofession,thatcouldspeakToeverycause,andthingsmerecontraries,Tilltheywerehoarseagain,yetallbelaw;That,withmostquickagility,couldturn,And[re-]return;[could]makeknots,andundothem;Giveforkedcounsel;takeprovokinggoldOneitherhand,andputitup:thesemen,Heknew,wouldthrivewiththeirhumility.And,forhispart,hethoughtheshouldbeblestTohavehisheirofsuchasufferingspirit,Sowise,sograve,ofsoperplex'datongue,Andloudwithal,thatwouldnotwag,norscarceLiestill,withoutafee;wheneverywordYourworshipbutletsfall,isachequin!—

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[Knockingwithout.Who'sthat?oneknocks;Iwouldnothaveyouseen,sir.Andyet—pretendyoucame,andwentinhaste:

Tilfashionanexcuseand,gentlesir,

Whenyoudocometoswimingoldenlard,Uptothearmsinhoney,thatyourchinIsborneupstiff,withfatnessoftheflood,Thinkonyourvassal;butrememberme:Ihavenotbeenyourworstofclients.

Volt.Mosca!—

Mos.Whenwillyouhaveyourinventorybrought,sir?Orseeacopyofthewill?—Anon!—I'llbringthemtoyou,sir.Away,begone,Putbusinessinyourface.[ExitVoltore.

Volp.[springingup.]ExcellentMosca!Comehither,letmekissthee.

Mos.Keepyoustill,sir.HereisCorbaccio.

Volp.Settheplateaway:Thevulture'sgone,andtheoldraven'scome!

Mos.Betakeyoutoyoursilence,andyoursleep.Standthereandmultiply.[Puttingtheplatetotherest.}Now,

shallwesee

AwretchwhoisindeedmoreimpotentThanthiscanfeigntobe;yethopestohopOverhisgrave—

EnterCORBACCIO.

SiirniorCorbacciolYou'reverywelcome,sir.

Curb.Howdot-.syourpatron?

Mos.Troth,ashedid,sir;noamends.

Corb.What!mendshe?

Mos.No,sir:he'sratherworse.

Corb.That'swell.Whereishe?

Mos.Uponhiscouch,sir,newlyfall'nasleep.

Corb.Doeshesleepwell?

Mos.Nowink,sir,allthisnight.Noryesterday;butslumbers.

Corb.Good!heshouldtakeSomecounselofphysicians:IhavebroughthimAnopiatehere,frommineowndoctor.

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Mos.Hewillnothearofdrugs.

Corb.Why?Imyself

Stoodbywhileitwasmade,sawalltheingredients:Andknow,itcannotbutmostgentlywork:Mylifeforhis,'tisbuttomakehimsleep.

Volp.Ay,hislastsleep,ifhewouldtakeit.[Aside.

Mos.Sir,Hehasnofaithinphysic.

Corb.Sayyou,sayyou?

Mos.Hehasnofaithinphysic:hedoesthinkMostofyourdoctorsarethegreaterdanger,Andworsedisease,toescape.IoftenhaveHeardhimprotest,thatyourphysicianShouldneverbehisheir.

Corb.NotIhisheir?

Mos.Notyourphysician,sir.

Corb.O,no,no,no,Idonotmeanit.

Mos.No,sir,northeirfeesHecannotbrook:hesays,theyflayaman,Beforetheykillhim.

Corb.Right,Idoconceiveyou.

Mos.Andthentheydoitbyexperiment;Forwhichthelawnotonlydothabsolvethem,Butgivesthemgreatreward:andheislothTohirehisdeath,so.

Corb.Itistrue,theykillWithasmuchlicenseasajudge.

Mos.Nay,more;

Forhebutkills,sir,wherethelawcondemns,Andthesecankillhimtoo.

Corb.Ay,orme;

Oranyman.Howdoeshisapoplex?Isthatstrongonhimstill?

Mos.Mostviolent.

Hisspeechisbroken,andhiseyesareset,Hisfacedrawnlongerthan'twaswont—

Corb.How!how!

Strongerthanhewaswont?

Mos.No,sir:hisfaceDrawnlongerthan'twaswont.

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Corb.0,good!

Mos.HismouthIsevergaping,andhiseyelidshang.

Corb.Good.

Mos.Afreezingnumbnessstiffensallhisjoints,Andmakesthecolourofhisfleshlikelead.

Corb.'Tisgood.

Mos.Hispulsebeatsslow,anddull.

Corb.Goodsymptomsstill.

Mos.Andfromhisbrain—

Corb.Iconceiveyou;good.

Mos.Flowsacoldsweat,withacontinualrheum,Forththeresolvedcornersofhiseyes.

Corb.Is'tpossible?YetIambetter,ha!Howdoeshe,withtheswimmingofhishead?

Mos.O,sir,'tispastthescotomy;henowHathlosthisfeeling,andhathlefttosnort:Youhardlycanperceivehim,thathebreathes.

Corb.Excellent,excellent!sureIshalloutlasthim:Thismakesmeyoungagain,ascoreofyears.

Mos.Iwasacomingforyou,sir.

Corb.Hashemadehiswill?Whathashegivenme?

Mos.No,air.

Corb.Nothing!ha?

Mos.Hehasnotmadehiswill,sir.

Corb.Oh,oh,oh!WhatthendidVoltore,thelawyer,here?

Mos.Hesmeltacarcase,sir,whenhebutheardMymasterwasabouthistestament;AsIdidurgehimtoitforyourgood—•

Corb.Hecameuntohim,didhe?Ithoughtso.

Mos.Yes,andpresentedhimthispieceofplate.

Corb.Tobehisheir?

Mos.Idonotknow,sir.

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Corb.True:Iknowittoo.

Mos.Byyourownscale,sir.[Aside.

Corb.Well,

Ishallpreventhim,yet.Sep.Mosca,look,H'-re,Ihavebroughtabagofbrightchequmes,Willquiteweighdownhi-plate.

Mos.[takingthebag.]Yen,marry,sir.Thisistruephysic,thisyoursacredmedicine;Notalkofopiates,tothisgreatelixir!

Corb.'Tisaurumpalpabile,ifnotpotabile.

Mos.Itshallbeminister'dtohim,inhisbowl.

Corb.Ay,do,do,do.

Mos.Mostblessedcordial!Thiswillrecoverhim.

Corb.Yes,do,do,do.

Mos.Ithinkitwerenotbest,sir.

Corb.What?

Mos.Torecoverhim.

Corb.O,no,no,no;bynomeans.

Mos.Why,sir,thisWillworksomestrangeeffect,ifhebutfeelit.

Corb.'Tistrue,thereforeforbear;I'lltakemyventure:Givemeitagain.

Mos.Atnohand;pardonme:Youshallnotdoyourselfthatwrong,sir.IWillsoadviseyou,youshallhaveitall.

Corb.How?

Mos.All,sir;'tisyourright,yourown:nomanCanclaimapart:'tisyours,withoutarival,Decreedbydestiny.

Corb.How,how,goodMosca?

Mos.I'lltellyou,sir.Thisfitheshallrecover.

Corb.Idoconceiveyou.

Mos.And,onfirstadvantageOfhisgain'dsense,willIre-importunehimUntothemakingofhistestament:Andshewhimthis.[Pointingtothemoney.

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Corb.Good,good.

Mos.'Tisbetteryet,Ifyouwillhear,sir.

Corb.Yes,withallmyheart.

Mos.Now,wouldIcounselyou,makehomewithspeed;There,frameawill;wheretoyoushallinscribeMymasteryoursoleheir.

Corb.AnddisinheritMyson!

Mos.0,sir,thebetter:forthatcolourShallmakeitmuchmoretaking.

Corb.O,butcolour?

Mos.Thiswill,sir,youshallsendituntome.Now,whenIcometoinforce,asIwilldo,Yourcares,yourwatchings,andyourmanyprayers,Yourmorethanmanygifts,yourthisday'spresent,Andlast,produceyourwill;where,withoutthought,Orleastregard,untoyourproperissue,Asonsobrave,andhighlymeriting,ThestreamofyourdivertedlovehaththrownyouUponmymaster,andmadehimyourheir:Hecannotbesostupid,orstone-dead,

Butoutofconscience,andmeregratitude—

Corb.Hemustpronouncemehis?

Mos.'Tistrue.

Corb.ThisplotDidIthinkonbefore.

Mos.Idobelieveit.

Corb.Doyounotbelieveit?

Mos.Yes,sir.

Corb.Mineownproject.

Mos.Which,whenhehathdone,sir—

Corb.Publish'dmehisheir?

Mos.Andyousocertaintosurvivehim—

Corb.Ay.

Mos.Beingsolustyaman—

Corb.'Tistrue.

Mos.Yes,sir—

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Corb.Ithoughtonthattoo.See,howheshouldboTheveryorgantoexpressmythoughts!

Mos.Youhavenotonlydoneyourselfagood—

Corb.Butmultiplieditonmyson.

Mos.'Tisright,sir.

Corb.Still,myinvention.

Mos.'Las,sir!heavenknows,Ithathbeenallmystudy,allmycare,(Ie'engrowgraywithal,)howtoworkthings—

Corb.Idoconceive,sweetMosca.

Mos.Youarehe,ForwhomIlabourhere.

Corb.Ay,do,do,do:I'llstraightaboutit.[Going.

Mos.Rookgowithyou,raven!

Corb.Iknowtheehonest.

Mos.Youdolie,sir![Aside.

Corb.And—

Mos.Yourknowledgeisnobetterthanyourears,sir.

Corb.Idonotdoubt,tobeafathertothee.

Mos.NorItogullmybrotherofhisblessing.

Corb.Imayhavemyyouthrestoredtome,whynot?

Mos.Yourworshipisapreciousass!

Corb.Whatsay'stthou?

Mos.Idodesireyourworshiptomakehaste,sir.

Corb.'Tisdone,'tisdone;Igo.[Exit.

Volp.[leapingfromhiscouch.]O,Ishallburst1Letoutmysides,letoutmysides—

Mos.Contain

Yourfluxoflauirhtrr,sir:youknowthishopeIssuchabait,itcoversanyhook.

Volp.O,butthyworking,andthyplacingit!Icannothold;goodrascal,letmekissthee:

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BenJonson'sPlays

Ineverknewtheeinsorareahumour.

Mos.Alas,sir,IbutdoasIamtaught;Followyourgraveinstructions;givethemwords;Pouroilintotheirears,andsendthemhence.

Volp.'Tistrue,'tistrue.WhatararepunishmentIsavaricetoitself!

Mos.Ay,withourhelp,sir.

Volp.Somanycares,somanymaladies,Somanyfearsattendingonoldage,,,'

Yea,deathsooftencall'don,asnowishCanbemorefrequentwiththem,theirlimbsfaint,Theirsensesdull,theirseeing,hearing,going,Alldeadbeforethem;yea,theirveryteeth,Theirinstrumentsofeating,failingthem:Yetthisisreckon'dlife!nay,herewasone,Isnowgonehome,thatwishestolivelonger!Feelsnothisgout,norpalsy;feignshimselfYoungerbyscoresofyears,flattershisageWithconfidentbelyingit,hopeshemay,Withcharms,like^Eson,havehisyouthrestored:Andwiththesethoughtssobattens,asiffateWouldbeaseasilycheatedon,ashe,

Andallturnsair![Knockingwithin.]Who'sthatthere,now?athird!

Mos.Close,toyourcouchagain;Ihearhisvoice:ItisCorvino,oursprucemerchant.

Volp.[liesdownasbefore.]Dead.

Mos.Anotherbout,sir,withyoureves.[Anointingthem.]—Who'sthere?

EnterCORVINO.

SigniorCorvino!comemostwish'dfor!O,Howhappywereyou,ifyouknewit,now1

Corv.Why?what?wherein?

Mos.Thetardyhouriscome,sir.

Corv.Heisnotdead?

Mos.Notdead,sir,butasgood;Heknowsnoman.

Corv.HowshallIdothen?

Mos.Why,sir?

Corv.Ihavebroughthimhereapearl.

Mos.Perhapshehas

Somuchremembranceleft,astoknowyou,sir:Hestillcallsonyou;nothingbutyourname

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Isinhismouth.Isyourpearlorient,sir?

Corv.Venicewasneverownerofthelike.

Volp.[faintly.]SigniorCorvino!

Mos.Hark.

Volp.SigniorCorvino1

Mos.Hecallsyou:stepandgiveithim.—lie'shere,sir,Andhehasbroughtyouarichpearl.

Corv.Howdoyou,sir?Tellhim,itdoublesthetwelfthcaract.

Mos.Sir,

Hecannotunderstand,hishearing'sgone;Andyetitcomfortshimtoseeyou—

Corv.Say,Ihaveadiamondforhim,too.

Mos.Bestshewit,sir;Putitintohishand;'tisonlythereHeapprehends:hehashisfeeling,yet.Seehowhegraspsit!

Corv.'Las,goodgentleman1Howpitifulthesightis!

Mos.Tut!forget,sir.

TheweepingofanheirshouldstillbelaughterUnderavisor.

Corv.Why,amIhisheir?

Mos.Sir,Iamsworn,ImaynotshewthewillTillhebedead;butherehasbeenCorbaccio,HerehasbeenVoltore,herewereotherstoo,Icannotnumber'em,theyweresomany;Allgapinghereforlegacies:butI,Takingthevantageofhisnamingyou,SigniorCorvino,SigniorCorvino,tookPaper,andpen,andink,andthereIaskedhim,Whomhewrouldhavehisheir?Corvino.WiioShouldbeexecutor?Corvino.And,Toanyquestionhewassilentto,Istillinterpretedthenodshemade,

Throughweakness,forconsent:andsenthometh'others,Nothingbequeath'dthem,buttocryandcurse.

Corv.O,mydearMosca![Theyembrace.]Doeshenotperceiveu-?

Mos.Nomorethanablindharper.Heknowsnoman,Nofaceoffriend,nornameofanyservant,Who'twasthatfedhimlast,orgavehimdrink:Notthosehehathbegotten,orbroughtup,Canheremember.

Corv.Hashechildren?

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Mos.Bastards,

Somedozen,ormore,thathebegotonbesz^nr^,Gypsies,andJews,andl>Lirk-moors,whenhewasdrunk.Knewyounotthat,sir?'tisthecommonfable.Thedwarf,thefool,theeunuch,areallhis;He'sthetruefatherofhisfamily,Inall,saveme:—buthehasgivrnthemnothing.

Corv.That'swell,that'swell!Artsurehedoesnothearus?

Mos.Sure,sir!why,lookyou,credityourownsense.

[ShoutsinVoVsear.

Thepoxapproach,andaddtoyourdiseases,Ifitwouldsendyouhencethesooner,sir,Foryourincontinence,ithathdeserv'ditThoroughly,andthoroughly,andtheplaguetoboot!—Youmaycomenear,sir.—WouldyouwouldoncecloseThosefilthyeyesofyours,thatflowwithslime,Liketwofrog-pits;andthosesamehangingcheeks,Cover'dwithhideinsteadofskin—Nay,help,sir—Thatlooklikefrozendish-cloutssetonend1

Corv.[aloud.]Orlikeanoldsmokedwall,onwhichtherainRandowninstreaks!

Mos.Excellent,sir!speakout:Youmaybelouderyet;aculverinDischargedinhisearwouldhardlyboreit.

Corv.Hisnoseislikeacommonsewer,stillrunning.

Mos.'Tisgood!Andwhathismouth?

Corv.Averydraught.

Mos.0,stopitup—

Corv.Bynomeans.

Mos.'Prayyou,letme:FaithIcouldstiflehimrarelywithapillow,Aswellasanywomanthatshouldkeephim.

Corv.Doasyouwill;butI'llbegone.

Mos.Beso:Itisyourpresencemakeshimlastsolong.

Corv.Iprayyou,usenoviolence.

Mos.No,sir!why?Whyshouldyoubethusscrupulous,prayyou,sir?

Corv.Nay,atyourdiscretion.

Mos.Well,goodsir,begone.

Corv.Iwillnottroublehimnow,totakemypearl.

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Mos.Puh!noryourdiamond.WhataneedlesscareIsthisafflictsyou?Isnotallhereyours?AmnotIhere,whomyouhavemadeyourcreature?Thatowemybeingtoyou?

Corv.GratefulMosca!

Thouartmyfriend,myfellow,mycompanion,Mypartner,andshaltshareinallmyfortunes.

Mos.Exceptingone.

Corv.What'sthat?

Mos.Yourgallantwife,sir,—[ExitCorv.

Nowishegone:wehadnoothermeansToshoothimhence,butthis.

Volp.MydivineMosca!

Thouhastto-dayoutgonethyself.[Knockingwithin.]—Who'sthere?Iwillbetroubledwithnomore.PrepareMemusic,dances,banquets,alldelights;

TheTurkisnotmoresensualinhispleasures,

ThanwillVolpone.[ExitMos.]Letmesee;apearl!

Adiamond!plate!chequines!Goodmorning'spurchase.

Why,thisisbetterthanrobchurches,yet;

Orfat,byeating,onceamonth,aman—

Re-enterMOSCA.

Whois't?

Mos.ThebeauteousladyWould-be,sir.WifetotheEnglishknight,sirPolitickWould-be,(Thisisthestyle,sir,isdirectedme,)Hathsenttoknowhowyouhavesleptto-night,Andifyouwouldbevisited?

Volp.Notnow:Somethreehourshence—

Mos.Itoldthesquiresomuch.

Volp.WhenIamhighwithmirthandwine;then,then:'Foreheaven,IwonderatthedesperatevalourOftheboldEnglish,thattheydareletlooseTheirwivestoallencounters!

Mos.Sir,thisknight

Hadnothisnamefornothing,heispolitick,Andknows,howe'erhiswifeaffectstrangeairs,Shehathnotyetthefacetobedishonest:ButhadshesigniorCorvino'swife'sface—

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Volp.Hasshesorareaface?

Mos.0,air,thewonder,TheblazingstarofItaly!awenchOfthefirstyear!abeautyripeasharvest!Whoseskiniswhiterthanaswanallover,Thansilver,snow,orlilies!asoftlip,Wouldtemptyoutoeternityofkissing!Andfleshthatmeltethinthetouchtoblood!Brightasyourgold,andlovelyasyourgold!

Volp.WhyhadnotIknownthisbefore?

Mos.Alas,sir,Myselfbutyesterdaydiscover'dit.

Volp.HowmightIseeher?

Mos.0,notpossible;She'skeptaswarilyasisyourgold;Neverdoescomeabroad,nevertakesair,Butatawindow.Allherlooksaresweet,Asthefirstgrapesorcherries,andarewatch'dAsnearastheyare.

Volp.Imustseeher.

M»s.Sir,

Thereisaguardofspiestenthickuponher,Allhiswholehousehold;eachofwhichissetUponhisfellow,andhavealltheircharge,

Whenhegoesout,whenhecomesin,examined.

Volp.Iwillgoseeher,thoughbutatherwindow.

Mos.Insomedisguise,then.

Volp.Thatistrue;ImustMaintainmineownshapestillthesame:we'llthink,[Exeunt.

ACTII

SCENEI.—ST.MARK'SPLACE;aretiredcornerbefore

CORVTNO'SHouse.

EnterSirPOLITICKWOULD-BE,andPEREGRINE.

SirP.Sir,toawiseman,alltheworld'shissoil:ItisnotItaly,norFrance,norEurope,Thatmustboundme,ifmyfatescallmeforth.Yet,Iprotest,itisnosaltdesireOfseeingcountries,shiftingareligion,NoranydisaffectiontothestateWhereIwasbred,anduntowhichIoweMydearestplots,hathbroughtmeout;muchless,Thatidle,antique,stale,gray-headedprojectOfknowingmen'smindsandmanners,withUlysses!Butapeculiarhumourofmywife'sLaidforthisheightofVenice,toobserve,Toquote,tolearnthelanguage,andsoforth—Ihopeyoutravel,sir,withlicense?

Per.Yes.

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SirP.IdarethesafelierconverseHowlong,sir,

SinceyouleftEngland?

Per.Sevenweeks.

SirP.Solately!Youhavenotbeenwithmylordambassador?

Per.Notyet,sir.

SirP.Prayyou,whatnews,sir,ventsourclimate?IheardlastnightamoststrangethingreportedBysomeofmylord'sfollowers,andIlongTohearhow'twillbeseconded.

Per.Whatwas't,sir?

SirP.Marry,sir,ofaraventhatshouldbuildInashiproyaloftheking's.

Per.Thisfellow,Doeshegullme,trow?orisgull'd?[Aside.]Yourname,sir.

SirP.MynameisPolitickWould-be.

Per.0,thatspeakshim.—[Aside.]Aknight,sir?

SirP.Apoorknight,sir.

Per.YourladyLieshereinVenice,forintelligence

Oftires,andfashions,andbehaviour,

Amongthecourtezans?thetineladyWould-be?

SirP.Yes,sir;thespiderandthebee,ofttiines,Suckfromoneflower.

Per.GoodsirPolitick,

Icryyoumercy;Ihaveheardmuchofyou:'Tistrue,sir,ofyourraven.

SirP.Onyourknowledge?

Per.Yes,andyourlion'swhelpingintheTower.

SirP.Anotherwhelp!

Per.Another,sir.

SirP.Nowheaven!

Whatprodigiesbethese?ThefiresatBerwick!Andthenewstar!thesethingsconcurring,strange,Andfullofomen!Sawyouthosemeteors?

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Per.Idid,sir.

SirP.Fearful!Prayyou,sir,confirmme,Weretherethreeporpoisesseenabovethebridge,Astheygiveout?

Per.Six,andasturgeon,sir.

SirP.Iamastonish'd.

Per.Nay,sir,benotso;I'lltellyouagreaterprodigythanthese.

SirP.Whatshouldthesethingsportend?

Per.Theveryday

(Letmebesure)thatIputforthfromLondon,Therewasawhalediscover'dintheriver,AshighasWoolwich,thathadwaitedthere,Fewknowhowmanymonths,forthesubversionOftheStodefleet.

SirP.Is'tpossible?believeit,'TwaseithersentfromSpain,orthearchdukes:Spinola'swhale,uponmylife,mycredit!Willtheynotleavetheseprojects?Worthysir,Someothernews.

Per.Faith,Stonethefoolisdead,Andtheydolackatavernfoolextremely.

SirP.IsMassStonedead?

Per.He'sdead,sir;why,IhopeYouthoughthimnotimmortal?—0,thisknight,\\Vrehewellknown,wouldbeapreciousthingTofitourEnglishstage:hethatshouldwriteButsucliafellow,shouldbethoughttofei.L'nKxtremely,ifnotmaliciously.[

N/rP.Stonedead!

Per.Dead.—Lord!howdeeply,sir,youapprehendit?Hewasnokinsmantoyou?

SirP.ThatIknowof.Well!thatsamefellmvwasanunknownfool.

Per.Andyetyouknewhim,itseems?SirP.Ididso.Sir,

IknewhimoneofthemostdangerousheadsLivingwithinthestate,andsoIheldhim.Per.Indeed,sir?SirP.Whilehelived,inaction.Hehasreceivedweeklyintelligence,Uponmyknowledge,outoftheLowCountries,Forallpartsoftheworld,incabbages;Andthosedispensedagaintoambassadors,Inoranges,musk-melons,apricocks,Lemons,pome-citrons,andsuch-like;sometimesInColchesteroysters,andyourSelseycockles.Per.Youmakemewonder.SirP.Sir,uponmyknowledge.Nay,I'veobservedhim,atyourpublicordinary,Takehisadvertisementfromatraveller,Aconceal'dstatesman,inatrencherofmeat;Andinstantly,beforethemealwasdone,Conveyananswerinatooth-pick.

Per.Strange!Howcouldthisbe,sir?

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SirP.Why,themeatwascutSolikehischaracter,andsolaid,asheMusteasilyreadthecipher.

Per.Ihaveheard,Hecouldnotread,sir.

SirP.So'twasgivenout,Inpolicy,bythosethatdidemployhim:Buthecouldread,andhadyourlanguages,Andto't,assoundanoddle—

Per.Ihaveheard,sir,

Thatyourbaboonswerespies,andthattheywereAkindofsubtlenationneartoChina.

SirP.Ay,ay,yourMamaluchi.Faith,theyhadTheirhandinaFrenchplotortwo;buttheyWeresoextremelygiventowomen,asTheymadediscoveryofall:yetIHadmyadviceshere,onWednesdaylast.Fromoneoftheirowncoat,theywerereturn'd,Madetheirrelations,asthefashionis,Andnowstandfairforfreshemployment.

Per.'Heart!

ThissirPolwillbeignorantofnothing.[Aside.

Itseems,sir,youknowall.

SirP.Notall,sir,butIhavesomegeneralnotions.IdoloveTonoteandtoobserve:thoughIliveout,Freefromtheactivetorrent,yetI'dmark

Thecurrentsandthepassagesofthings,

Formineownprivateuse;andknowtheebbs

AndHowsofstate.

Per.Believeit,sir,IholdMyselfinnosmalltieuntomyfortunes,F<>rcastingmethusluckilyuponyou,Whoseknowledge,ifyourbountyequalit,Maydomegreatassistance,ininstructionFormybehaviour,andmybearing,whichIsyetsorudeandraw.

SirP.Why,cameyouforthEmptyofrulesfortravel?

Per.Faith,Ihad

Somecommonones,fromoutthatvulgargrammar,WhichhethatcriedItaliantome,taughtme.

SirP.Whythisitisthatspoilsallourbravebloods,Trustingourhopefulgentryuntopedants,Fellowsofoutside,andmerebark.YouseemTobeagentleman,ofingenuousrace:—Inotprofessit,butmyfatehathbeenTobe,whereIhavebeenconsultedwith,Inthishighkind,touchingsomegreatmen'ssons,Personsofbloodandhonour.—

EnterMOSCAandNANOdisguised,followedbypersonswithmaterialsforerectingaStage.

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Per.Whobethese,sir?

lfos.Underthatwindow,there'tmustbe.Thesame.

SirP.Fellows,tomountabank.DidyourinstructorInthedeartongues,neverdiscoursetoyouOftheItalianmountebanks?

Per.Yes,sir.

SirP.Why,Hereyoushallseeone.

Per.Theyarequacksalvers;Fellows,thatlivebyventingoilsanddrutzs.

SirP.Wasthatthecharacterhegaveyouofthem?

Per.AsIremember.

SirP.Pityhisignorance.TheyaretheonlyknowingmenofEurope!Greatgeneralscholars,excellentphysicians,Mostadmiredstatesmen,profestfavourites,Andcabinetcounsellorstothegreatestprinces;Theonlylanguagedmenofalltheworld!

Per.And,Ihaveheard,theyaremostlewdimpostors;Madealloftermsandshreds;nolessbeliersOfgreatmen'sfavours,thantheirownvilemed'cines;\Vhirhtheywillutteruponmonstrousoaths:Sellingthatdrugfortwo-pence,eretheypart,

Whichtheyhavevaluedattwelvecrownsbefore.

SirP.Sir,calumniesareanswer'dbestwithsilence.Yourselfshalljudge.—Whoisitmounts,myfriends?

Mos.ScotoofMantua,sir.

SirP.Is'the?Nay,thenI'llproudlypromise,sir,youshallbeholdAnothermanthanhasbeenphant'siedtoyou.Iwonderyet,thatheshouldmounthisbank,Hereinthisnook,thathasbeenwontt'appearInfaceofthePiazza!—Herehecomes.

EnterVOLPONE,disguisedasamountebankDoctor,andfollowed

byacrowdofpeople.

Volp.Mount,zany,[toNano.]

Mob.Follow,follow,follow,follow!

SirP.Seehowthepeoplefollowhim!he'samanMaywritetenthousandcrownsinbankhere.Note,

[VolponemountstheStage.Markbuthisgesture:—IdousetoobserveThestatehekeepsingettingup.

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Per.'Tisworthit,sir.

Volp.Mostnoblegentlemen,andmyworthypatrons!Itmayseemstrange,thatI,yourScotoMantuano,whowaseverwonttofixmybankinfaceofthepublicPiazza,neartheshelterofthePorticototheProcuratia,shouldnow,aftereightmonths'absencefromthisillustriouscityofVenice,humblyretiremyselfintoanobscurenookofthePiazza.

SirP.DidnotInowobjectthesame?

Per.Peace,sir.

Volp.Letmetellyou:Iamnot,asyourLombardproverbsaith,coldonmyfeet;orcontenttopartwithmycommoditiesatacheaperrate,thanIaccustomed:looknotforit.Northatthecalumniousreportsofthatimpudentdetractor,andshametoourprofession,(AlessandroButtone,Imean,)whogaveout,inpublic,Iwascondemned

asforzatotothegalleys,forpoisoningthecardinalBembo'scook,

hathatallattached,muchlessdejectedme.No,no,worthygentlemen;totellyoutrue,Icannotenduretoseetherabbleofthesegroundciar-litani,thatspreadtJieircloaksonthepavement,asiftheymeanttodofeatsofactivity,andthencomeinlamely,withtheirmouldytalesoutofBoccacio,likestaleTabarine,thefabulist:someofthemdiscoursingtheirtravels,andoftheirtediouscaptivityintheTurks'gallies,when,indeed,werethetruthknown,theyweretheChristians'1gallies,whereverytemperatelytheyeatbread,anddrunkwater,asawholesomepenance,enjoinedthembytheirconfessors,forbasepilferies.

SirP.Notebuthisbearing,andcontemptofthese.

Volp.Theseturdy-facy-nasty-paty-lousy-farticalrogues,withonepoorgroans-worthofunpreparedantimony,finelywraptupinseveralscartoccios,areable,verywell,tokilltheirtwentyaweek,andplay;yet,thesemeagre,starvedspirits,whohavehalfstopttheorgansoftheirmindswithearthyoppilations,wantnottheirfavourersamong

yourshrirclVdsallad-eatingartisans,whoareoverjoyedthattheymayhavetheirhalf-pe'rthofphysic;thoughitpurgethemintoanotherworld,itmakesnomatter.

SirP.Excellent!haveyouheardbetterlanguage,sir?

Volp.Well,letthemgo.And,gentlemen,honourablegentlemen,know,thatforthistime,ourbank,beingthusremovedfromtheclamoursofthecanaglia,shallbethesceneofpleasureanddelight;forIhavenothingtosell,littleornothingtosell.

SirP.Itoldyou,sir,hisend.

Per.Youdidso,sir.

Volp.Iprotest,I,andmysixservants,arenotabletomakeofthispreciousliquor,sofastasitisfetctidawayfrommylodgingbygentlemenofyourcity;strangersoftheTerra-finna;worshipfulmerchants;ay,andsenatorstoo:who,eversincemyarrival,havedetainedmeto

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tlinruses,bytheirsplendidousliberalities.Andworthily;for,whatavailsyourrichmantohavehismagazinesstuftwithmoscadelli,orofthepurestgrape,whenhisphysiciansprescribehim,onpainofdeath,todrinknothingbutwatercodedwithaniseeds?0,health!health!theblessingoftherich/therichesofthepoor!whocanbuytheeattoodeararate,sincethereisnoenjoyingthisworldwithoutthee?Benotthensosparingofyourpurses,honourablegentlemen,astoabridgethenaturalcourseoflife—

Per.Youseehisend.

SirP.Ay,is'tnotgood?

Volp.For,whenahumidflux,orcatarrh,bythemutabilityofair,fallsfromyourheadintoanarmorshoulder,oranyotherpart;takeyouaducket,oryourchequinofgold,andapplytotheplaceaffected:seewhatgoodeffectitcanwork.No,no,'tisthisblessedunguento,thisrareextraction,thathathonlypowertodisperseaUmalignanthumours,thatproceedeitherofhot,cold,moist,orwindycauses—

Per.Iwouldhehadputindrytoo.

SirP.'Prayyou,observe.

Volp.Tofortifythemostindigestandcrudestomach,ay,wereitofonethat,throughextremeweakness,vomitedblood,api>I>/ingonlyawarmnapkintotheplace,aftertheunctionandfricace;—forthevertigineinthehead,puttingbutadropintoyournostrils,likewisebehindtheears;amostsovereignandapprovedremedy:thematcaduco,cramps,convulsions,paralysies,epilepsies,tremor-cordia,retiru!nerves,illvapoursofthespleen,stoppingoftheliver,thestone,thestrangury,herniaventosa,iliacapassio;stopsadysenteriaimmediately;easeththetorsionofthesmallguts;andcuresmelanrh<Iinfiupondriaca,beingtakenandappliedaccordingtomyprintedreceipt.[Pointingtohisbillandhisvial.]For,thisisthephysician^thistJ/crnfdicine;thiscounsels,thiscures;thisgivesthedirection,tJtixirarkxtheeffect;and,insum,butft,togethermaybetermedanabstract<,fiJ/rtheorickandprartickinthe.Kxcvlui>ianart.'Twillcostyoueightcrowns.And,—ZanFritada,pritheesingaterseextemporeinhonourofit.

SirP.Howdoyoulikehim,sir?

Per.Moststrangely,I!SirP.Isnothislanguagerare?Per.Butalchemy,Ineverheardthelike;orBroughton'sbooks.

NANOsings.

HadoldHippocrates,orGalen,

Thattotheirbooksputmed'cinesallin,

Butknownthissecret,theyhadnever

(Ofwhichtheywillbeguiltyever)

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Beenmurderersofsomuchpaper,

Orwastedmanyahurtlesstaper;

NoIndiandrughade'erbeenfamed,

Tobacco,sassafrasnotnamed;

Neyet,ofguacumonesmallstick,sir,

NorRaymundLully'sgreatelixir.

NehadbeenknowntheDanishGonswart,

OrParacelsus,withhislongsword.

Per.Allthis,yet,willnotdo;eightcrownsishigh.

Volp.Nomore.—Gentlemen,ifIhadbuttimetodiscoursetoyouthemiraculouseffectsofthismyoil,surnamedOgliodelScoto;withthecountlesscatalogueofthoseIhavecuredoftheaforesaid,andmanymorediseases;thepatentsandprivilegesofalltheprincesandcommonwealthsofChristendom;orbutthedepositionsofthosethatappearedonmypart,beforethesignioryoftheSanitaandmostlearnedCollegeofPhysicians;whereIwasauthorised,uponnoticetakenoftheadmirablevirtuesofmymedicaments,andmineownexcellencyinmatterofrareandunknownsecrets,notonlytodispersethempubliclyinthisfamouscity,butinalltheterritories,thathappilyjoyunderthegovernmentofthemostpiousandmagnificentstatesofItaly.Butmaysomeothergallantfellowsay,0,therebediversthatmakeprofessiontohaveasgood,andasexperimentedreceiptsasyours:indeed,verymanyhaveassayed,likeapes,inimitationoftJiat,whichisreallyandessentiallyinme,tomakeofthisoil;bestowedgreatcostinfurnaces,stills,alembecks,continualfires,andpreparationoftheingredients,(asindeedtheregoestoitsixhundredseveralsimples,besidessomequantityofhumanfat,fortheconglutination,whichwebuyoftheanatomists,}but,whenthesepractitionerscometothelastdecoction,blow,blow,puff,puff,andallfliesinfumo:ha,ha,ha!Poorwretches!Iratherpitytheirfollyandindiscretion,thantheirlossoftimeandmoney;forthesemayberecoveredbyindustry:buttobeafoolborn,isadiseaseincurable.

Formyself,Ialwaysfrommyyouthhaveendeavouredtogettherarestsecrets,andbookthem,eitherinexchange,orformoney:Isparednorcostnorlabour,whereanythingwasworthytobelearned.And,gentlemen,honourablegentlemen,Iwillundertake,byvirtueofchemicalart,outoftheJionourablehatthatcoversyourhead,toextractthefourelements;thatistosay,thefire,air,water,andearth,and

returnyouyourfeltwithoutburnorstain.For,whilstothershavebeenattheBalloo,Iliavebeenatmybook;andamnowpastthecraggypathsofstudy,andcometothefloweryplainsofhonourandreputation.

SirP.Idoassureyou,sir,thatishisaim.

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Volp.Buttoourprice—

Per.Andthatwithal,sirPol.

Volp.Youallknow,honourablegentlemen,Inrrrrvaluedthisampulla,orvial,atlessthaneightcrowns;butforthistime,Iamcontenttobedeprivedofitforsix:sixcrownsistheprice,andlessincourtesyIknowyoucannotofferme;takeitorleaveit,howsoever,bothitandIamatyourservice.Iaskyounotasthevalueofthething,forthenIshoulddemandofyouathousandcrowns,sothecardinalsMontalto,Fernese,thegreatDukeofTuscany,mygossip,withdiversotherprinces,havegivenme;butIdespisemoney.Onlytoshewmyaffectiontoyou,honourablegentlemen,andyourillustrious^tutehere,Ihaveneglectedthemessagesoftheseprinces,mineownoffices,framedmyjourneyhither,onlytopresentyouwiththefruitsofmytravels.—Tuneyourvoicesoncemoretothetouchofyourinstruments,andgivethehonourableassemblysomedelightfulrecreation.

Per.WhatmonstrousandmostpainfulcircumstanceTshere,togetsomethreeorfourgazettes,Somethree-penceinthewhole!forthat'twillcometo.

NANOsings.

Youthatwouldlastlong,listtomysong,Makenomorecoil,butbuyofthisoil.Wouldyoubeeverfairandyoung?Stoutofteeth,andstrongoftongue?Tartofpalate?quickofear?Sharpofsight?ofnostrilclear??>!(listofhand?andlightoffoot?Or,Iwillcomenearerto't,Wouldyoulivefreefromalldiseases?Dotheactyourmistresspleases,Yetfrightallachesfromyourbones?Here'samedicineforthenones.

Volp.Well,Iaminahumouratthistimetomakeapresentofthesmallquantitymycoffercontains;totherichincourtesy,andtothepoorforGod'ssake.Whereforenowmark:Iaslc'dyousixcrowns;andsixcrowns,atothertimes,youhavepaidme;youshallnotgirrmesixcrowns,norfive,norfour,northree,nortwo,norone;norhalfaducat;no,noramoccinigo.Sixpenceitwillcostyou,orsixhundredpound—expectnolowerprice,for,hi/tin1bm^nTofmi/front,I-willnotbateabagatine,—tlmlIin'lll«ire,only,a}>I"/>/cofyourlores,tocarrysomethingfromamongstyou,toshewImnv>,tcontemn'dbyyou.Therefore,now,tossyourhandkerchiefs,rhrt//////>/,cheerfully;andbearlnrti*«l,tl<atthefirstheroicspiritthatdeigns

tograce,mewithahandkerchief,Iwillgiveitalittleremembranceofsomething,beside,shallpleaseitbetter,thanifIhadpresenteditwithadoublepistolet.

Per.Willyoubethatheroicspark,sirPol?

[Celiaatawindowabove,throwsdownherhandkerchief.O,see!thewindowhaspreventedyou.

Volp.Lady,Ikissyourbounty;andforthistimelygraceyouhavedoneyourpoorScotoofMantua,Iwillreturnyou,overandabovemyoil,asecretofthathighandinestimablenature,shallmakeyouforeverenamouredonthatminute,whereinyoureyefirstdescendedonsomean,yetnotaltogethertobedespised,anobject.Hereisapowderconcealedinthispaper,

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ofwhich,ifIshouldspeaktotheworth,ninethousandvolumeswerebutasonepage,thatpageasaline,thatlineasaword;soshortisthispilgrimageofman(ivhichsomecalllife)totheexpressingofit.WouldIreflectontheprice?why,thewholeworldisbutasanempire,thatempireasaprovince,thatprovinceasabank,thatbankasaprivatepursetothepurchaseofit.Iwillonlytellyou;itisthepowderthatmadeVenusagoddess(givenherbyApollo,)thatkeptherperpetuallyyoung,clearedherwrinkles,firmedhergums,fiirdherskin,colouredherhair;fromherderivedtoHelen,andatthesackofTroyunfortunatelylost:tillnow,inthisourage,itwasashappilyrecovered,byastudiousantiquary,outofsomeruinsofAsia,whosentamoietyofittothecourtofFrance,(butmuchsophisticated,)wherewiththeladiesthere,now,colourtheirhair.Therest,atthispresent,remainswithme;extractedtoaquintessence:sothat,whereveritbuttouches,inyouthitperpetuallypreserves,inagerestoresthecomplexion;seatsyourteeth,didtheydancelikevirginaljacks,firmasawall;makesthemwhiteasivory,thatwereblackas—

EnterCORVINO.

Cor.Spighto'thedevil,andmyshame!comedownhere;Comedown;—Nohousebutminetomakeyourscene?SigniorFlaminio,willyoudown,sir?down?What,ismywifeyourFranciscina,sir?NowindowsonthewholePiazza,here,Tomakeyourproperties,butmine?butmine?

[BeatsawayVolpone,Nano,etc.Heart!ereto-morrowIshallbenew-christen'd,Andcall'dthePantalonediBesogniosi,Aboutthetown.

Per.Whatshouldthismean,sirPol?

SirP.Sometrickofstate,believeit;Iwillhome.

Per.Itmaybesomedesignonyou.

SirP.Iknownot,I'llstanduponmyguard.

Per.Itisyourbest,sir.

SirP.Thisthreeweeks,allmyadvices,allmyletters,Theyhavebeenintercepted.

Per.Indeed,sir!Besthaveacare.

SirP.Nay,soIwill.

Per.Thisknight,Imaynotlosehim,formymirth,tillnight.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—ARoominVOT.PONE'SHouse.EnterVOLPONEandMOSCA.

Volp.0,Iamwounded!

Mos.Where,sir?

Volp.Notwithout;

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Thoseblowswerenothing:Icouldbearthemever.ButangryCupid,boltingfromhereyes,Hathshothimselfintomelikeaflame;\Yhere,now,heflingsabouthisburningheat,Asinafurnaceanambitiousfire,Whoseventisstopt.Thefightisallwithinme.1cannotlive,exceptthouhelpme,Mosca;Mylivermelts,andI,withoutthehopeOfsomesoftair,fromherrefreshingbreath,Ambutaheapofcinders.

Mos.'Las,goodsir,Wouldyouhadneverseenher!

Volp.Nay,wouldthouHad'stnevertoldmeofher!

Mos.Sir,'tistrue;IdoconfessIwasunfortunate.Andyouunhappy:butI'mboundinconscience,Xolessthanduty,toeffectmybestToyourreleaseoftorment,andIwill,sir.

Volp.DearMosca,shallIhope?

Mos.Sir,morethandear,IwillnotbidyoutodespairofaughtWitliinahumancompass.

Volp.O,therespokeMybetterangel.Mosca,takemykey?.Gold,plate,andjewels,all'satthydevotion;Employthemhowthouwilt;nay,coinmet->r>:Sothou,inthis,butcrownmylongings,Mo.,i.

J/os.I"-cbutyourpatience.

Volp.SoIhave.

Mos.IdoubtnotTobringsuccesstoyourdesires.

Volp.Nay,then,Inotrepentmeofmy!•<!<•disguise.

.V<«.Ify«mcanhornhim,sir,youneednot.

Vnlp.True:Besides,Inevermeanthimformyheir.—

IsnotthecolourofmybeardandeyebrowsTomakemeknown?

Mos.Nojot.

Volp.Ididitwell.

Mos.Sowell,wouldIcouldfollowyouinmine,Withhalfthehappiness!—andyetIwouldEscapeyourepilogue.[Aside.

Volp.Butweretheygull'dWithabeliefthatIwasScoto?

Mos.Sir,

Scotohimselfcouldhardlyhavedistinguish'd!Ihavenottimetonatteryounow;we'llpart;AndasIprosper,soapplaudmyart.[Exeunt.

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SCENEIII.—ARoominCORVINO'SHouse.EnterCORVINO,withhisswordinhishand,dragginginCELIA.

Corv.Deathofminehonour,withthecity'sfool!Ajuggling,tooth-drawing,pratingmountebank!Andatapublicwindow!where,whilsthe,Withhisstrain'daction,andhisdoleoffaces,Tohisdrug-lecturedrawsyouritchingears,Acrewofold,unmarried,notedletchers,Stoodleeringuplikesatyrs;andyousmileMostgraciously,andfanyourfavoursforth,Togiveyourhotspectatorssatisfaction!What,wasyourmountebanktheircall?theirwhistle?Orwereyouenamour'donhiscopperrings,Hissaffronjewel,withthetoad-stonein't,Orhisembroider'dsuit,withthecope-stitch,Madeofahersecloth?orhisoldtilt-feather?Orhisstarch'dbeard?Well,youshallhavehim,yes!Heshallcomehome,andministeruntoyouThefricaceforthemother.Or,letmesee,Ithinkyou'drathermount;wouldyounotmount?Why,ifyou'llmount,youmay;yes,truly,youmay:Andsoyoumaybeseen,downtothefoot.Getyouacittern,ladyVanity,Andbeadealerwiththevirtuousman;Makeone:I'llbutprotestmyselfacuckold,Andsaveyourdowry.I'maDutchman,I!For,ifyouthoughtmeanItalian,Youwouldbedamn'd,ereyoudidthis,youwhore!Thou'dsttremble,toimagine,thatthemurderOffather,mother,brother,allthyrace,Shouldfollow,asthesubjectofmyjustice.

Cel.Goodsir,havepatience.

Corv.WhatcouldstthouproposeLesstothvseJf,thaninthisheatofwrath

Andstuns;withmydishonour,IshouldstrikeThissteefintothee,-withasmanystabs,Asthouwertgaz'duponwithgoatisheyes?

Cel.Alas,sir,beappeased!IcouldnotthinkMybeingatthewindowshouldmorenowMoveyourimpatience,thanatothertimes.

Corv.Xo!nottoseekandentertainaparleyWithaknownknave,beforeamultitude!Youwereanactorwithyourhandkerchief,Whichhemostsweetlykistinthereceipt,Andmight,nodoubt,returnitwithaletter,Andpointtheplacewhereyoumightmeet;yoursister's,Yourmother's,oryouraunt'smightservetheturn.

Cel.Why,dearsir,whendoImaketheseexcuses,Oreverstirabroad,buttothechurch?Andthatsoseldom—

Corv.Well,itshallbeless;Andthyrestraintbeforewasliberty.TowhatInowdecree:andthereforemarkme.First,Iwillhavethisbawdylightdamm'dup;Andtill'tbedone,sometwoorthreeyardsoff,I'llchalkaline:o'erwhichifthoubutchanceTosetthydesperatefoot,morehell,morehorror,Morewildremorselessrageshallseizeonthee,Thanonaconjuror,thathadheedlessleftHiscircle'ssafetyerehisdevilwaslaid.Thenhere'salockwhichIwillhanguponthee,And,nowIthinkon't,Iwillkeeptheebackward':Thylodgingshallbebackwards;thywalksbackwards;Thyprospect,allbebackwards;andnopleasure,Thatthoushaltknowbutbackwards:nay,sinceyouforceMyhonestnature,know,itisyourown,Beingtooopen,makesmeuseyouthus:SinceyouwillnotcontainyoursubtlenostrilsInasweetroom,buttheymustsnufftheair

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Ofrankandsweatypassengers.[Knockingwithin.]—Oneknocks.Away,andbenotseen,painofthylife;Norlooktowardthewindow:ifthoudost—Xay,stay,hearthis—letmenotprosper,whore,ButIwillmaketheeananatomy,Dissecttheemineownself,andreadalectureUpontheetothecity,andinpublic.Away!—{ExitCelia.

J^nterServant.Who'sthere?

Serv.'TissiirniorMosca.sir.

Corv.Lethimcomein.\_E.<itN»rr.]Hismaster'sdead:there's

yetSomegoodtohelpthe1>id.

EnterMOSCA.

MyMosca,welcome1Iguessyournews.

Mos.Ifearyoucannot,sir.

Corv.Is'tnothisdeath?

Mas.Ratherthecontrary.

Corv.Nothisrecovery?

Mos.Yes,sir.

Corv.Iamcurs'd,

Iambewitch'd,mycrossesmeettovexme.How?how?how?how?

Mos.Why,sir,withScoto'soil;CorbaccioandVoltorebroughtofit,WhilstIwasbusyinaninnerroom—

Corv.Death!thatdamn'dmountebank;butforthelawNow,Icouldkilltherascal:itcannotbe,Hisoilshouldhavethatvirtue.HavenotIKnownhimacommonrogue,comefidlinginTotheosteria,withatumblingwhore,And,whenhehasdoneallhisforcedtricks,beengladOfapoorspoonfulofdeadwine,withfliesin't?Itcannotbe.AllhisingredientsAreasheep'sgall,aroastedbitch'smarrow,Somefewsodearwigs,poundedcaterpillars,Alittlecapon'sgrease,andfastingspittle:Iknowthemtoadram.

Mos.Iknownot,sir;

Butsomeon't,there,theypour'dintohisears,Someinhisnostrils,andrecover'dhim;Applyingbutthefricace.

Corv.Poxo'thatfricace!

Mos.Andsince,toseemthemoreofficiousAndflatt'ringofhishealth,there,theyhavehad,

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Atextremefees,thecollegeofphysiciansConsultingonhim.howtheymightrestorehim;Whereonewouldhaveacataplasmofspices,Anotheraflay'dapeclapp'dtohisbreast,Athirdwouldhaveitadog,afourthanoil,Withwildcats'skins:atlast,theyallresolvedThat,topreservehim,wasnoothermeans,Butsomeyoungwomanmustbestraightsoughtout,Lusty,andfullofjuice,tosleepbyhim;Andtothisservice,mostunhappily,Andmostunwillingly,amInowemploy'd,WhichhereIthoughttopre-acquaintyouwith,Foryouradvice,sinceitconcernsyoumost;Because,IwouldnotdothatthingmightcrossYourends,onwhomIhavemywholedependance,sir:

Yet,ifIdoitnot,theymaydelate

Myslacknesstomypatron,workmeout

Ofhisopinion;andthereallyourhopes,

Ventures,orwhatsoever,areallfrustrate!

Idobuttellyou,sir.Besides,theyareall

Nowstriving,whoshallfirstpresenthim;therefore—

Icouldentreatyou,brieflyconcludesomewhat;

Preventthemifyoucan.

Corv.Deathtomyhopes,Thisismyvillainousfortune!BesttohireSomecommoncourtezan.

Mos.Ay,Ithoughtonthat,sir;Buttheyareallsosubtle,fullofart—Andageagaindotingandflexible,Soas—Icannottell—wemay,perchance,Lightonaqueanmaycheatusall.

Corv.'Tistrue.

Mos.No,no:itmustbeonethathasnotricks,sir,Somesimplething,acreaturemadeuntoit;Somewenchyoumaycommand.Haveyounokinswoman?Odso—Think,think,think,think,think,think,think,sir.Oneo'thedoctorsoffer'dtherehisdaughter.

Corv.How!

Mos,Yes,signiorLupo,thephysician.

Corv.Hisdaughter!

Mos.Andavirgin,sir.Why,alas,Heknowsthestateof8body,whatitis;Thatnoughtcanwarmhisblood,sir,butafever;Noranyincantationraisehisspirit:Alongforgetfulnesshathseizedthatpart.Besidessir,whoshallknowit?someoneortwo—

Corv.Ipraytheegivemeleave.[Walksaside.]IfanymanButIhadhadthisluck—Thethingin'tself,Iknow,isnothing—WhereforeshouldnotIAswellcommandmybloodandmy

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affections,Asthisdulldoctor?Inthepointofhonour,Thecasesarealloneofwifeanddaughter.

Mos.Ihearhkncoming.[.\side.

Corv.Sheshalldo't:'tisdone.Slight!ifthisdoctor,whoisnotengnporl,Unless'tbeforhiscounsel,whichisnothOfferhisdaughter,whatshouldI,thatamSodeeplyin?Iwillpreventhim:Wretch!Covetouswretch!—Mosca,Ihavedetermined.

M"*.How,sir?

Corv.We'llmakenilsure.ThepartyyouwotofShallbomineownwife,.\!<»ca.

Mos.Sir.thethin'j,Butthat1wo-iMID?seemtocounselv«>n.

Ishouldhavemotion'dtoyou,atthefirst:

Andmakeyourcount,youhavecutalltheirthroats.

Why,'tisdirectlytakingapossession!

Andinhisnextfit,wemaylethimgo.

'Tisbuttopullthepillowfromhishead,

Andheisthrottled:ithadbeendonebefore,

Butforyourscrupulousdoubts.

Corv.Ay,aplagueon't,

Myconsciencefoolsmywit!Well,I'llbebrief,Andsobethou,lesttheyshouldbebeforeus:Gohome,preparehim,tellhimwithwhatzealAndwillingnessIdoit;swearitwasOnthefirsthearing,asthoumay'stdo,truly,Mineownfreemotion.

Mos.Sir,Iwarrantyou,I'llsopossesshimwithit,thattherestOfhisstarv'dclientsshallbebanish'dall:Andonlyyoureceived.Butcomenot,sir,UntilIsend,foiIhavesomethingelseToripenforyourgood,youmustnotknow't.

Corv.Butdonotyouforgettosendnow.

Mos.Fearnot.[Exit.

Corv.Whereareyou,wife?myCelia!wife!

Re-enterCELIA.

—What,blubbering?

Come,drythosetears.Ithinkthouthought'stmeinearnest;Ha!bythislightItalk'dsobut

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totrythee:MethinksthelightnessoftheoccasionShouldhaveconfirm'dthee.Come,Iamnotjealous.

Cd.No!

Corv.FaithIamnot,I,norneverwas;Itisapoorunprofitablehumour.DonotIknow,ifwomenhaveawill,They'lldo'gainstallthewatchesoftheworld,Andthatthefiercestspiesaretamedwithgold?Tut,Iamconfidentinthee,thoushaltsee't;AndseeI'llgivetheecausetoo,tobelieveit.Comekissme.Go,andmaketheeready,straight,Inallthybestattire,thychoicestjewels,Putthemallon,and,withthem,thybestlooks:Weareinvitedtoasolemnfeast,AtoldVolpone's,whereitshallappearHowfarIamfreefromjealousyorfear.[Exeunt.

ACTIII

SCENEI.—AStreet.EnterMOSCA.

Mos.Ifear,IshallbegintogrowinloveWithmydearself,andmymostprosperousparts,Theydosospringandburgeon;IcanfeelAwhimsyinmyblood:Iknownothow,Successhathmademewanton.IcouldskipOutofmyskin,now,likeasubtlesnake,Iamsolimber.0!yourparasiteIsamostpreciousthing,droptfromabove,Notbred'mongstclodsandclodpoles,hereonearth.Imuse,themysterywasnotmadeascience,Itissoliberallyprofest!almostAllthewiseworldislittleelse,innature,Butparasitesorsub-parasites.—Andyet,Imeannotthosethathaveyourbaretown-art,Toknowwho'sfittofeedthem;havenohouse,Nofamily,nocare,andthereforemouldTalesformen'sears,tobaitthatsense;orgetKitchen-invention,andsomestalereceiptsTopleasethebelly,andthegroin;northose,Withtheircourtdog-tricks,thatcanfawnandfleer,Maketheirrevenueoutoflegsandfaces,Echomylord,andlickawayamoth:Butyourfineelegantrascal,thatcanrise,Andstoop,almosttogether,likeanarrow;Shootthroughtheairasnimblyasastar;Turnshortasdothaswallow;andbehere.Andthere,andhere,andyonder,allatonce;Presenttoanyhumour,alloccasion;Andchangeavisor,swifterthanathought!Thisisthecreaturehadtheartbornwithhim;Toilsnottolearnit,butdothpractiseitOutofmostexcellentnature:andsuchsparksArethetrueparasites,othersbuttheirzanis.

EnterBONARTO.

Who'sthis?Bonario,oldCorbaccio'sson?ThepersonIwasboundtoseek.—Fairsir,Youarehappilymet.

Bon.Thatcannotbebythee.

Mos.Why,sir?

Bon.Nay,praythee,knowthyway,andleaveme:IwouldbelothtointerchangediscourseWithsuchamateasthouart.

Mos.Courteoussir,Scornnotmypoverty.

Bon.NotI,byheaven;Butthoushaltgivemeleavetohatethybaseness.

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Mos.Baseness!

Bon.Ay;answerme,isnotthyslothSufficientargument?thyflattery?Thymeansoffeeding?

Mos.Heavenbegoodtome!Theseimputationsaretoocommon,sir,Andeasilystuckonvirtuewhenshe'spoor.Youareunequaltome,andhoweverYoursentencemayberighteous,yetyouarenotThat,ereyouknowme,thusproceedincensure:St.Markbearwitness'gainstyou,'tisinhuman.[Weeps.

Bon.What!doesheweep?thesignissoftandgood:IdorepentmethatIwassoharsh.[Aside.

Mos.'Tistrue,that,sway'dbystrongnecessity,IamenforcedtoeatmycarefulbreadWithtoomuchobsequy;'tistrue,beside,ThatIamfaintospinmineownpoorraimentOutofmymereobservance,beingnotbornToafreefortune:butthatIhavedoneBaseoffices,inrendingfriendsasunder,Dividingfamilies,betrayingcounsels,Whisperingfalselies,orminingmenwithpraises,Train'dtheircredulitywithperjuries,Corruptedchastity,oraminloveWithmineowntenderease,butwouldnotratherProvethemostrugged,andlaboriouscourse,Thatmightredeemmypresentestimation,Letmehereperish,inallhopeofgoodness.

Bon.Thiscannotbeapersonatedpassion.—[Aside.

Iwastoblame,sotomistakethynature;Prithee,forgiveme:andspeakoutthybusiness.

Mos.Sir,itconcernsyou;andthoughImayseem,Atfirsttomakeamainoffenceinmanners,Andinmygratitudeuntomymaster;Yet,forthepurelove,whichIbearallright,Andhatredofthewrong,Imustrevealit.ThisveryhouryourfatherisinpurposeTodisinherityou

Bon.How!

Mos.Andthrustyouforth,Asamerestrangertohisblood;'tistrue,sir,Theworknowayengagethme,but,asIclaimaninterestinthegeneralstateOfgoodnessandtruevirtue,whichIhearToaboundinyou:and,forwhichmererespect,

Withoutasecondaim,sir,Ihavedoneit.

Bon.ThistalehathlosttheemuchofthelatetrustThouhadstwithme;itisimpossible:Iknownothowtolenditanythought,Myfathershouldbesounnatural.

Mos.Itisaconfidencethatwellbecomes,Yourpiety;andforrn'd,nodoubt,itisI"rumyourownsimpleinnocence:whichmakesYourwrongmoremonstrousandabhorr'd.But,sir,Inowwilltellyoumore.Thisveryminute,Itis,orwillbedoing;and,ifyouShallbebutpleasedtogowithme,I'llbringyou,Idarenotsaywhereyoushallsee,butwhereYourearshallbeawitnessofthedeed;Hearyourselfwrittenbastard,andprofestThecommonissueoftheearth.

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Bon.Iamamazed!

Mos.Sir,ifIdoitnot,drawyourjustsword,Andscoreyourvengeanceonmyfrontandface:Markmeyourvillain:youhavetoomuchwrong,AndIdosufferforyou,sir.MyheartWeepsbloodinanguish—

Bon.Lead;Ifollowthee.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—ARoominVOLPOXE'SHouse.EnterVOLPO^E.

Yolp.Moscastayslong,methinks.—Bringforthyoursports,Andhelptomakethewretchedtimemoresweet.

EnterNANO,ANDROGYNO,andCASTRONE.

Nan.Dwarf,fool,andeunuch,wellmetherewebe.Aquestionitiverenow,whetherofusthree,Bfingalltheknowndelicatesofarichman,Inpleasinghim,claimtheprecedencycan?

Cas.Iclaimformyself.

And.Andsodoththefool.

Nan.'Tisfoolishindeed:letmesetyoubothtoschool.Firstforyourdwarf,he'slittleandwitty,Andeverything,asitislittle,isprttty;i!*ewhydomensaytoacreatureofmyshape,Sosoonastheyseehim,It'saprettytittleti/>e?Andtrliyaprettyape,butforpleadingimitationOfgreatermen'sadinn*,inaridiculousfashion?Beside,thisfeatl><x{yofminedothnotcraveI!"Ifthemeat,drink,and<~lnth,oneofyour//////.-.<?irillJiare.AdmityourfooFsfacebethemotheroflaughter,Yet.for/n'.s-hrain,itmustalwayscomeafter:Andthr>u.f/tllml'i'ofeedhim./r.s-a/litifulcase,Hisbodyisbeholdingtosuchabadface.[Knockingwilhin.

Volp.Who'sthere?mycouch;away!look!Nano,see:

[Exe.And.andCas.

Givememycaps,firstgo,enquire.[ExitNano.]—Now,Cupid

SenditbeMosca,andwithfairreturn!

Nan.[within.]Itisthebeauteousmadam—•

Volp.Would-be—isit?

Nan.Thesame.

Volp.Nowtormentonme!Squireherin;Forshewillenter,ordwellhereforever:

Nay,quickly.[Retirestohiscouch.]—Thatmyfitwerepast!IfearAsecondhelltoo,thatmy

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lothingthisWillquiteexpelmyappetitetotheotner:Wouldsheweretakingnowhertediousleave.Lord,howitthreatsmewhatIamtosuffer1

Re-enterNANO,withLadyPOLITICKWOULD-BE.

LadyP.Ithankyou,goodsir.'PrayyousignifyUntoyourpatron,Iamhere.—ThisbandShewsnotmyneckenough.—Itroubleyou,sir;Letmerequestyou,bidoneofmywomenComehithertome.—Ingoodfaith,IamdrestMostfavourablyto-day1Itisnomatter:'Tiswellenough.—

Enter1Waiting-wornan.

Look,see,thesepetulantthings,Howtheyhavedonethis!

Volp.IdofeelthefeverEnteringinatmineears;O,foracharm,Tofrightithence![Aside.

LadyP.Comenearer:isthiscurlInhisrightplace,orthis?WhyisthishigherThanalltherest?Youhavenotwash'dyoureyes,yet!Ordotheynotstandeveninyourhead?Whereisyourfellow?callher.[Exit1Woman.

Nan.Now,St.MarkDeliverus!anon,she'llbeatherwomen,Becausehernoseisred.

Re-enter1with2Woman.

LadyP.Iprayyou,viewThistire,forsooth:areallthingsapt,orno?

1Worn.Onehairalittle,here,sticksout,forsooth.

LadyP.Does'tso,forsooth!andwherewasyourdearsight,Whenitdidso,forsooth!Whatnow!bird-eyed?Andyou,too?'Prayyou,bothapproachandmendit.Now,bythatlight,Imuseyouarenotashamed!I,thathavepreach'dthesethingssooftuntoyou,Readyoutheprinciples,arguedallthegrounds,

Disputedeveryfitness,everygrace,

Call'dyoutocounselofsofrequentdressings—

San.Morecarefullythanofyourfameorhonour.[Aside.

LadyP.Madeyouacquainted,whatanampledowryTheknowledgeofthesethingswouldbeuntoyou,Able,alone,togetyounoblehusbandsAtyourreturn:andyouthustoneglectit!BesidesyouseeingwhatacuriousnationTheItaliansare,whatwilltheysayofme?TheEnglishladycannotdressherself.Here'safineimputationtoourcountry!Well,goyourways,andstayinthenextroom.Thisfucuswastoocoarsetoo;it'snomatter.—Goodsir,you'llgivethementertainment?

[ExeuntNanoandWaiting-women.

Volp.Thestormcomestowardme.

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LadyP.[goestothecouch.]HowdoesmyVolpone?

Volp.Troubledwithnoise,Icannotsleep;IdreamtThatastrangefuryenter'd,now,myhouse,And,withthedreadfultempestofherbreath,Didcleavemyroofasunder.

LadyP.Believeme,andIHadthemostfearfuldream,couldIremember't—

Volp.Outonmyfate!IhavegivenhertheoccasionHowtotormentme:shewilltellmeher's.[.4side.

LadyP.Methought,thegoldenmediocrity,Politeanddelicate—

Volp.0,ifyoudoloveme,Xomore:Isweat,andsuffer,atthementionOfanydream;feelhowItrembleyet.

LadyP.Alas,goodsoul!thepassionoftheheart.Seed-pearlweregoodnow,boil'dwithsyrupofapples,Tinctureofgold,andcoral,citron-pills,Yourelicampaneroot,myrobalanes—

Volp.Ahme,Ihaveta'enagrass-hopperbythewing![Aside.

LadyP.Burntsilk,andamber:YouhavernuscadelGoodinthehouse—

Volp.Youwillnotdrink,andpart?

LadyP.Xo,fearnotthat.Idoubt,weshallnotgetSomeEnglishsaffron,halfadramwouldserve;Yoursixteencloves,alittlemusk,driedmints,Buploss,andbarley-meal—

Volp.She'sinagain!BeforeIfeign'ddiseases,nowIhaveone.\.lxide.

LadyP.Andtheseappliedwitharightscarletcloth.

Volp.Anotherfloodofwords!averytorrent1[Avide.

LadyP.ShallI,sir,makeyouapoultice?

Volji.Xo,no,no,I'mverywell,youneedprescribenomore.

LadyP.Ihavealittlestudiedphysic;butnow,I'mallformusic,save,intheforenoons,Anhourortwoforpainting.IwouldhaveAlady,indeed,tohaveall,lettersandarts,Beabletodiscourse,towrite,topaint,Butprincipal,asPlatoholds,yourmusic,AndsodoeswisePythagoras,Itakeit,Isyourtruerapture:whenthereisconcentInface,invoice,andclothes:andis,indeed,Oursex'schiefestornament.

Volp.Thepoet

AsoldintimeasPlato,andasknowing,Says,thatyourhighestfemalegraceissilence.

LadyP.Whichofyourpoets?Petrarch,orTasso,orDante?Guarini?Ariosto?Aretine?CiecodiHadria?Ihavereadthemall.

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Volp.Iseverythingacausetomydestruction?[Aside.

LadyP.IthinkIhavetwoorthreeofthemaboutme.

Volp.Thesun,thesea,willsoonerbothstandstillThanhereternaltongue!nothingcan'scapeit.[Aside.

LadyP.Here'sPastorFido—

Volp.Professobstinatesilence;That'snowmysafest.[Aside.

LadyP.AllourEnglishwriters,ImeansuchasarehappyintheItalian,Willdeigntostealoutofthisauthor,mainly:AlmostasmuchasfromMontagnie:Hehassomodernandfacileavein,Fittingthetime,andcatchingthecourt-ear!YourPetrarchismorepassionate,yethe,Indaysofsonnetting,trustedthemwithmuch:Danteishard,andfewcanunderstandhim.But,foradesperatewit,there'sAretine;Only,hispicturesarealittleobscene—Youmarkmenot.

Volp.Alas,mymind'sperturb'd.

LadyP.Why,insuchcases,wemustcureourselves,Makeuseofourphilosophy—

Volp.Ohme!

LadyP.Andaswefindourpassionsdorebel,Encounterthemwithreason,ordivertthem,BygivingscopeuntosomeotherhumourOflesserdanger:as,inpoliticbodies,There'snothingmoredothoverwhelmthejudgment,Andcloudtheunderstanding,thantoomuchSettlingandfixing,and,as'twere,subsidingUpononeobject.FortheincorporatingOfthesesameoutwardthings,intothatpart,Whichwecallmental,leavessomecertainLeccs

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Thatstoptheorgans,andasPlatosays,Assassinateourknowledge.

Volp.Now,thespiritOfpatiencehelpme![Aside.

LadyP.Come,infaith,ImustVisityoumoreadays;andmakeyouwell:Laughandbelusty.

Volp.Mygoodangelsaveme![Aside.

LadyP.Therewasbutonesolemaninalltheworld,WithwhomIe'ercouldsympathise;andheWouldlieyou,often,three,fourhourstogetherTohearmespeak;andbesometimessorapt,Ashewouldanswermequitefromthepurpose,Likeyou,andyouarelikehim,just.I'lldiscourse,An'tbebutonly,sir,tobringyouasleep,Howwedidspendourtimeandlovestogether,Forsomesixyears.

Volp.Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh!

LadyP.Forwewerecoretanei,andbroughtup—

Volp.Somepower,somefate,somefortunerescueme!

EnterMOSCA.

Mos.Godsaveyou,madam!

LadyP.Goodsir.

Volp.Mosca!welcome,Welcometomyredemption.

Mos.Why,sir?

Volp.Oh,

Ridmeofthismytorture,quickly,there;Mymadam,withtheeverlastingvoice:Thebells,intimeofpestilence,ne'ermadeLikenoise,orwereinthatperpetualmotion!TheCock-pitcomesnotnearit.Allmyhouse,Butnow,steam'dlikeabathwithherthickbreath,Alawyercouldnothavebeenheard;norscarceAnotherwoman,suchahailofwordsShehasletfall.Forhell'ssake,ridherhence.

Mos.Hasshepresented?

Volp.O,Idonotcare;I'lltakeherabsence,uponanyprice,Withanyloss.

Mas.Madam—

LadyP.IhavebroughtyourpatronAtoy,acaphere,ofmineownwork.

.1/o.s.'Tiswell.

IhadforgottoU-llyou,Isn\vyourknightWhereyouwouldlittlethinkit.—

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LadyP.Where?Marry,

Whereyet,ifyoumakehaste,youmayapprehend

Rowinguponthewaterinagondole

WiththemostcunningcourtezanofVenice.

LadyP.Is'ttrue?

Mos.Pursuethem,andbelieveyoureyes:Leaveme,tomakeyourgift.[ExitLadyP.hastily.]—Iknew

'twouldtake:

For,lightly,theythatusethemselvesmostlicense,Arestillmostjealous.

Volp.Mosca,heartythanks,Forthyquickfiction,anddeliveryofme.Nowtomyhopes,whatsay'stthou?

He-enterLadyP.WOULD-BE.

LadyP.Butdoyouhear,sir?—

Volp.Again!Ifearaparoxysm.

LadyP.WhichwayRow'dtheytogether?

Mos.TowardtheRialto.

LadyP.Iprayyoulendmeyourdwarf.

Mos.Iprayyoutakehim.—[ExitLadyP.

Yourhopes,sir,arelikehappyblossoms,fair,Andpromisetimelyfruit,ifyouwillstayButthematuring;keepyouatyourcouch,Corbacciowillarrivestraight,withtheWill;Whenheisgone,I'lltellyoumore.[Exit.

Volp.Myblood,

Myspiritsarereturn'd;Iamalive:And,likeyourwantongamesteratprimero,Whosethoughthadwhisper'dtohim,notgoless,MethinksIlie,anddraw—foranencounter.

[ThesceneclosesuponVolpone.

SCENEII.—ThePassageleadingtoVOLPONE'SChamber.EnterMOSCAandBONARIO.

Mos.Sir,hereconceal'd,[shewshimacloset.]youmayhearail-But,prayyou,Havepatience,sir;[knockingwithin.]—thesame'syourfather

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knocks:Iamcompell'dtoleaveyou.[Exit.

Bon.Doso.—YetCannotmythoughtimaginethisatruth.[Goesintothecloset.

SCENEIII.—AnotherPartofthesame.EnterMOSCAandCORVINO,CELIAfollowing.

Mos.Deathonme!youarecometoosoon,whatmeantyou?DidnotIsay,Iwouldsend?Corv.Yes,butIfear'd

Youmightforgetit,andthentheypreventITS.

Mos.Prevent!dide'ermanhasteso,forhishorns?Acourtierwouldnotplyitso,foraplace.[Aside.

Well,nowthereisnohelpingit,stayhere;I'llpresentlyreturn.[Exit.

<'<jrr.Whereareyou,Celia?YouknownotwhereforeIhavebroughtyouhither?

Cel.Notwell,exceptyoutoldme.

Corv.Now,Iwill:Harkhither.[E.reunt.

SCENEIV.—AClosetopeningintoaGallery.EnterMOSCAandBONARIO.

Mos.Sir,yourfatherhathsentword,Itwillbehalfanhourerehecome;Andtherefore,ifyoupleasetowalkthewhileIntothatgallery—attheupperend,Therearesomebookstoentertainthetime:AndI'lltakecarenomanshallcomeuntoyou,sir.

Bon.Yes,Iwillstaythere.—Idodoubtthisfellow.

[Aside,andexit.

Mos.[lookingafterhim.]There;heisfarenough;hecan

hearnothing:And,forhisfather,Icankeephimoff.[Exit.

SCENEV.—VOLPONE'SChamber.—VOLPONEonhiscouch.

MOSCAsittingbyhim.

EnterCORVINO,forcinginCELIA.

Corv.Nay,now,thereisnostartingback,andtherefore,Resolveuponit:Ihavesodecreed.Itmustbedone.NorwouldImove'tafore,BecauseIwouldavoidallshiftsandtricks,Thatmightdenyme.

Cel.Sir,letmebeseechyou,Affectnotthesestrangetrials;ifyoudoubtMychastity,why,lockmeupforever;.Makemetheheirofdarkness.Letmelive,WhereImaypleaseyourfears,ifnotyourtrust.

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Corv.Believeit,Ihavenosuchhumour,I.AllthatIspeakImean;yetI'mnotmad:Xorhorn-mad,seeyou'!Goto,shewyourselfObedient,andawife.•'.0heaven!

<'"rv.Isayit,Doso.

Cel.Wasthisthotmin?

Core.I'vetoldyou

Whatthephysicianshavesetdown:howmuchItmayconcernme;whatmyengagementsare;Mymeans;andthenecessityofthosemeans,Formyrecovery:wherefore,ifyoubeLoyal,andmine,bewon,respectmyventure.

Cel.Beforeyourhonour?

Corv.Honour!tut,abreath:There'snosuchthinginnature:ameretermInventedtoawefools.WhatismygoldTheworsefortouching,clothesforbeinglook'don?Why,thisisnomore.Anolddecrepitwretch,Thathasnosense,nosinew;takeshismeatWithothers'fingers;onlyknowstogape,Whenyoudoscaldhisgums;avoice,ashadow;And,whatcanthismanhurtyou?

Cel.Lord!whatspiritIsthishathenter'dhim?[Aside.

Corv.Andforyourfame,That'ssuchajig;asifIwouldgotellit,CryitonthePiazza!whoshallknowit,Buthethatcannotspeakit,andthisfellow,Whoselipsareinmypocket?saveyourself,(Ifyou'llproclaim't,youmay,)IknownootherShallcometoknowit.

Cel.Areheavenandsaintsthennothing?Willtheybeblindorstupid?

Corv.How!

Cel.Goodsir,

Bejealousstill,emulatethem;andthinkWhathatetheyburnwithtowardeverysin.

Corv.Igrantyou:ifIthoughtitwereasin,Iwouldnoturgeyou.ShouldIofferthisTosomeyoungFrenchman,orhotTuscanbloodThathadreadAretine,conn'dallhisprints,Kneweveryquirkwithinlust'slabyrinth,Andwereprofessedcriticinlechery;AndIwouldlookuponhim,andapplaudhim,Thiswereasin:buthere,'tiscontrary,Apiouswork,merecharityforphysic,Andhonestpolity,toassuremineown.

Cel.Oheaven!canstthousuffersuchachange?

Volp.Thouartminehonour,Mosca,andmypride,Myjoy,mytickling,mydelight!Gobringthem.

Mos.[advancing.,]Pleaseyoudrawnear,sir.

Corv.Comeon,what—Youwillnotberebellious?bythatlight—

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Mos.Sir,SigniorCorvino,here,iscometoseeyou.

Volp.Oh!

TheFox

Mos.Andhearingoftheconsultationhad,Solately,foryourhealth,iscometooiler,Orrather,sir,toprostitute—

Corv.Thanks,sweetMosca.

Mos.Freely,unask'd,orunintreated—

Corv.Well.

Mos.Asthetrueferventinstanceofhislove,Hisownmostfairandproperwife;thebeauty,OnlyofpriceinVenice—

Corv.'Tiswellurged.

Mos.Tobeyourcomfortress,andtopreserveyou.

Volp.Alas,Iampast,already!Prayyou,thankhimForhisgoodcareandpromptness;butforthat,'Tisavainlaboure'entofight'gainstheaven;Applyingfiretostone—uh,uh,uh,uh![coughing.]Makingadeadleafgrowagain.ItakeHiswishesgently,though;andyoumaytellhim,WhatIhavedoneforhim:marry,mystateishopeless.Willhimtoprayforme;andtousehisfortuneWithreverence,whenhecomesto't.

Mos.Doyouhear,sir?Gotohimwithyourwife.

Corv.Heartofmyfather!

Wiltthoupersistthus?come,Ipraythee,come.Thouseest'tisnothing,Celia.Bythishand,Ishallgrowviolent.Come,do't,Isay.

Cel.Sir,killme,rather:Iwilltakedownpoison,Eatburningcoals,doanything.—

Corv.Bedamn'd!

Heart,Iwilldragtheehence,home,bythehair;(Yytheeastrumpetthroughthestreets;ripupThymouthuntothineears;andslitthynose,Likearawrochet!—Donottemptme;come,\I-Id,Iamloth—Death!IwillbuysomeslaveWhomIwillkill,andbindtheetohim,alive;Andatmywindowhangyouforth,devisingS.imemonstrouscrime,whichI,incapitalletters,Willeatintothyfleshwithaquafortis,Andburningcorsives,onthisstubbornbreast.Now,bythebloodthouhastincensed,I'lldoit!

Cel.JSir,whatyouplease,youmay,Iamyourirnrtvr.

Corv.Benotthusobstinate,Ihavenotdeservedit:Thinkwhoitisintreatsyou.'Prithee,

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sweet:—Goodfaith,thoushalthavejewels,gowns,attires,Whatthouwiltthink,andask.Dobutp>Uisshim.<)rtouchhim,but.Formysake.—Atmysuit.—Thisonce.—No!not!Ishallrememberthis.Willyoudisgracemethus?Doyouthirstmyundoing?

M--3.Xuy,gentlelady,beadvi>1.

Corv.No,no.

Shehaswatch'dhertime.Odsprecious,thisisscurvy,'Tisveryscurvy;andyouare—

Mos.Nay,goodsir.

Corv.Anarrantlocust,byheaven,alocust!Whore,crocodile,thathastthytearsprepared,Expectinghowthou'ltbidthemflow—

Mos.Nay,'prayyou,sir!Shewillconsider.

Gel.WouldmylifewouldserveTosatisfy—

Corv.S'death!ifshewouldbutspeaktohim,Andsavemyreputation,itweresomewhat;Butspightfullytoaffectmyutterruin!

Mos.Ay,nowyouhaveputyourfortuneinherhands.Whyi'faith,itishermodesty,Imustquither.Ifyouwereabsent,shewouldbemorecoming;Iknowit:anddareundertakeforher.Whatwomancanbeforeherhusband?'prayyou,Letusdepart,andleaveherhere.

Corv.SweetCelia,

Thoumay'stredeemall,yet;I'llsaynomore:Ifnot,esteemyourselfaslost.Nay,staythere.

[Shutsthedoor,andexitwithMosca.

Gel.0God,andhisgoodangels!whither,whither,Isshamefledhumanbreasts?thatwithsuchease,Mendareputoffyourhonours,andtheirown?Isthat,whicheverwasacauseoflife,Nowplacedbeneaththebasestcircumstance,Andmodestyanexilemade,formoney?

Volp.Ay,inCorvino,andsuchearth-fedminds,

[Leapingfromhiscouch.Thatnevertastedthetrueheavenoflove.Assurethee,Celia,hethatwouldsellthee,Onlyforhopeofgain,andthatuncertain,HewouldhavesoldhispartofParadiseForreadymoney,hadhemetacope-man.Whyartthoumazedtoseemethusrevived?Ratherapplaudthybeauty'smiracle;'Tisthygreatwork:thathath,notnowalone,Butsundrytimesraisedme,inseveralshapes,And,butthismorning,likeamountebank,Toseetheeatthywindow:ay,beforeIwouldhaveleftmypractice,forthylove,Invaryingfigures,IwouldhavecontendedWiththeblueProteus,orthehornedflood.Nowartthouwelcome.CelSir!Volp.Nay,flymenot.

TheFox

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447

Xorletthyfalseimagination

ThatIwasbed-rid,maketheethinkIamso:

Thoushaltnotfindit.Iam,now,asfresh,

Ashot,ashigh,andinasjovialplight,

Aswhen,inthatsocelebratedscene,

Atrecitationofourcomedy,

ForentertainmentofthegreatValois,

IactedyourgAntinous;andattracted

Theeyesandearsofalltheladiespresent,

Toadmireeachgracefulgesture,note,andfooting.[Sings.

Come,myCelia,letusprove,"Whilewecan,thesportsoflove,Timewillnotbeoursforever,He,atlength,ourgoodwillsever;Spendnotthenhisgiftsinvain;Suns,thatset,mayriseagain;Butifoncewelosethislight,'Tiswithusperpetualnight.Whyshouldwedeferourjoys?Fameandrumourarebuttoys.CannotwedeludetheeyesOfafewpoorhouseholdspies?Orhiseasierearsbeguile,Thusremovedbyourwile?—'Tisnosinlove'sfruitstosteal:Butthesweettheftstoreveal;Tobetaken,frobeseen,Thesehavecrimesaccountedbeen.

Cd.Somesereneblastme,ordirelightningstrikeThismyoffendingface!

Volp.WhydroopsmyCelia?Thouhast,inplaceofabasehusband,foundAworthylover:usethyfortunewell,Withsecrecyandpleasure.See,behold,Whatthouartqueenof;notinexpectation,AsIfeedothers:butpossess'dandcrown'd.See,here,aropeofpearl;andeach,moreorientThanthatthebrave^Egyptianqueencaroused:Dissolveanddrinkthem.See,acarbuncle,MayputoutboththeeyesofourSt.Mark;Adiamond,wouldhaveboughtLolliaPaulina.Whenshecameinlikestar-li^ht,hidwithjewels,Thatwerethespoilsofprovinces;takethese,Andwear,andlosethem:yetremainsanear-ringTopurchasethemagain,andthiswholestate.Agembutworthaprivatepatrimony,Isnothing:wewilleatsuchatameal.Theheadsofparrots,tonguesofnightingales,

Thebrainsofpeacocks,andofestriches,

Shallbeourfood:and,couldwegetthephoenix,

Thoughnaturelostherkind,shewereourdish.

Cel.Goodsir,thesethingsmightmoveamindaffectedWithsuchdelights;butI,whose

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innocenceIsallIcanthinkwealthy,orworthth'enjoying,Andwhich,oncelost,Ihavenoughttolosebeyondit,Cannotbetakenwiththesesensualbaits:Ifyouhaveconscience—

Volp.'Tisthebeggar'svirtue;Ifthouhastwisdom,hearme,Celia.ThybathsshallbethejuiceofJuly-flowers,Spiritofroses,andofviolets,Themilkofunicorns,andpanthers'breathGather'dinbags,andmixtwithCretanwines.Ourdrinkshallbepreparedgoldandamber;Whichwewilltake,untilmyroofwhirlroundWiththevertigo:andmydwarfshalldance,Myeunuchsing,myfoolmakeuptheantic,Whilstwe,inchangedshapes,actOvid'stales,Thou,likeEuropanow,andIlikeJove,ThenIlikeMars,andthoulikeErycine:So,oftherest,tillwehavequiterunthrough,Andweariedallthefablesofthegods.ThenwillIhavetheeinmoremodernforms,AttiredlikesomesprightlydameofFrance,BraveTuscanlady,orproudSpanishbeauty;Sometimes,untothePersiansophy'swife;Orthegrandsignior'smistress;and,forchange,Tooneofourmostartfulcourtezans,OrsomequickNegro,orcoldEussian;AndIwillmeettheeinasmanyshapes:WherewemaysotransfuseourwanderingsoulsOatatourlips,andscoreupsumsofpleasures,[Sings.

ThatthecuriousshallnotknowHowtotellthemastheyflow;Andtheenvious,whentheyfindWhattheirnumberis,bepined.

Cel.Ifyouhaveearsthatwillbepierced—oreyesThatcanbeopen'd—aheartthatmaybetouch'd—Oranypartthatyetsoundsmanaboutyou—Ifyouhavetouchofholysaints—orheaven—Domethegracetoletme'scape—ifnot,Bebountifulandkillme.Youdoknow,Iamacreature,hitherillbetray'd,Byone,whoseshameIwouldforgetitwere:Ifyouwilldeignmeneitherofthesegraces,Yetfeedyourwrath,sir,ratherthanyourlust,

(Itisavicecomesnearermanliness,)Andpunishthatunhappycrimeofnature,Whichyoumiscallmybeauty:flaymyface,Orpoisonitwithointments,forseducingYourbloodtothisrebellion.Rubthesehands,Withwhatmaycauseaneatingleprosy,E'entomybonesandmarrow:anything,Thatmaydisfavourme,saveinmyhonour—AndIwillkneeltoyou,prayforyou,paydownAthousandhourlyvows,sir,foryourhealth;Report,andthinkyouvirtuous—

Volp.Thinkmecold,Frozenandimpotent,andsoreportme?ThatIhadNestor'shernia,thouwouldstthink.Idodegenerate,andabusemynation,Toplaywithopportunitythuslong;Ishouldhavedonetheact,andthenhaveparley'd.Yield,orI'llforcethee.[Seizesher.

Cel.O!justGod!

Volp.Invain—

Bon.[rushingin.]Forbear,foulravisher,libidinousswine!Freetheforcedlady,orthoudiest,impostor.ButthatI'mlothtosnatchthypunishmentOutofthehandofjustice,thoushouldst,yet,Bemadethetimelysacrificeofvengeance,Beforethisaltar,andthisdross,thyidol.—Lady,let'squittheplace,itisthedenOfvillainy;fearnought,youhaveaguard:Andhe,erelong,shallmeethisjustreward.

[ExeuntBon.andCel.

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Volp.Fallonme,roof,andburymeinruin!Becomemygrave,thatwertmyshelter!O!Iamunmask'd,unspirited,undone,Betray'dtobeggary,toinfamy—

EnterMOSCA,woundedandbleeding.

Mos.WhereshallIrun,mostwretchedshameofmen,Tobeatoutmyunluckybrains?

Volp.Here,here.What!dostthoubleed?

Mos.Othathiswell-driv'nswordHadbeensocourteoustohavecleftmedownT'ntothenavel,ereIlivedtoseeMylife,myhopes,myspirits,mypatron,allThusdesperatelyengaged,bymyerror!

Volp.Woeonthyfortune!

Mos.Andmyfollies,sir.

Volp.Thouhastmadememiserable.

Mos.Andmyself,sir.

Whowouldhavethoughthewouldhavehearken'dso?

Volp.Whatshallwedo?

Mos.Iknownot;ifmyheartCouldexpiatethemischance,I'dpluckitout.Willyoubepleasedtohangme,orcutmythroat?AndI'llrequiteyou,sir.Let'sdielikeRomans,SincewehavelivedlikeGrecians.[Knockingwithin.

Volp.Hark!who'sthere?Ihearsomefooting;officers,thesaffi,Cometoapprehendus!IdofeelthebrandHissingalreadyatmyforehead;now,Mineearsareboring.

Mos.Toyourcouch,sir,you,Makethatplacegood,however.[Volponeliesdown,asbefore.']

—GuiltymenSuspectwhattheydeservestill.

EnterCORBACCIO.

SigniorCorbaccio!

Corb.Why,hownow,Mosca?

Mos.O,undone,amazed,sir.Yourson,Iknownotbywhataccident,Acquaintedwithyourpurposetomypatron,TouchingyourWill,andmakinghimyourheir,Enter'dourhousewithviolence,hissworddrawnSoughtforyou,call'dyouwretch,unnatural,Vow'dhewouldkillyou.

Corb.Me!

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Mos.Yes,andmypatron.

Corb.Thisactshalldisinherithimindeed;HereistheWill.

Mos.'Tiswell,sir.

Corb.Rightandwell:Beyouascarefulnowforme.

EnterVOLTORE,behind.

Mos.Mylife,sir,Isnotmoretender'd;Iamonlyyours.

Corb.Howdoeshe?willhedieshortly,think'stthou?

Mos.IfearHe'lloutlastMay.

Corb.To-day?

Mos.No,lastoutMay,sir.

Corb.Could'stthounotgivehimadram?

Mos.O,bynomeans,sir.

Corb.Nay,I'llnotbidyou.

Volt,{comingforward.']Thisisaknave,Isee.

Mos.[seeingVoltore.]How!signiorVoltore!didhehearme?

[Aside.

Volt.Parasite!

Mos.Who'sthat?—0,sir,mosttimelywelcome—

Volt.Scarce,

Tothediscoveryofyourtricks,Ifear.Youarehis,only?andminealso,areyounot?

Mos.Who?I,sir?

Volt.You,sir.WhatdeviceisthisAboutaWill?

Mos.Aplotforyou,sir.

Volt.Come,Putnotyourfoistsuponme;Ishallscentthem.

Mos.Didyounothearit?

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Volt.Yes,IhearCorbaccioHathmadeyourpatrontherehisheir.

Mos.'Tistrue,

Bymydevice,drawntoitbymyplot,Withhope—

Volt.Yourpatronshouldreciprocate?Andyouhavepromised?

Mos.Foryourgood,Idid,sir.Nay,more,Itoldhisson,brought,hidhimh?re,Wherehemighthearhisfatherpassthedeed:Beingpersuadedtoitbythisthought,sir,Thattheunnaturalness,first,oftheact,Andthenhisfather'softdisclaiminginhim,(WhichIdidmeant'helpon,)wouldsureenragehimTodosomeviolenceuponhisparent,Onwhichthelawshouldtakesufficienthold,Andyoubestatedinadoublehope:Truthbemycomfort,andmyconscience,MyonlyaimwastodigyouafortuneOutofthesetwooldrottensepulchres—

VoU.Icrytheemercy,Mosca.

Mos.Worthyourpatience,Andyourgreatmerit,sir.Andseethechange!

Volt.Why,whatsuccess?

Mos.Mosthapless!youmusthelp,sir.Whilstweexpectedtheoldraven,incomesCorvino'swife,senthitherbyherhusband—

VoU.What,withapresent?

Mos.No,sir,onvisitation;(I'lltellyouhowanon;)andstayinglong,Theyouthhegrowsimpatient,rushesforth,Seizeththelady,woundsme,makesherswear(Orhewouldmurderher,thatwashisvow)Toaffirmmypatrontohavedoneherrape:Whichhowunlikeitis,youseeIandhence,Withthatpretexthe'sgone,toaccusehisfather,Defamemypatron,defeatyou—

VoU.Whereisherhusband?Lethimbesentforstraight.

Mos.Sir,I'llgofetchhim.

Volt.BringhimtotheScrutineo.

Mos.Sir,Iwill.

Volt.Thismustbestopt.

Mos.0youdonobly,sir.Alas,'twaslabour'dall,sir,foryourgood;Norwastherewantofcounselintheplot:Butfortunecan,atanytime,o'erthrowTheprojectsofahundredlearnedclerks,sir.

Corb.[listening.]What'sthat?

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VoU.Will'tpleaseyou,sir,togoalong?

[ExitCorbaccio,followedbyVoltore.

Mos.Patron,goin,andprayforoursuccess.

Volp.[risingfromhiscouch.]Needmakesdevotion:heavenyourlabourbless![Exeunt.

ACTIV

SCENEI.—AStreet.EnterSirPOLITICKWOULD-BEandPEREGRINE.

SirP.Itoldyou,sir,itwasaplot;youseeWhatobservationis!Youmention'dmeForsomeinstructions:Iwilltellyou,sir,(SincewearemethereinthisheightofVenice,)SomefewparticularsIhavesetdown,Onlyforthismeridian,fittobeknownOfyourcrudetraveller;andtheyarethese.Iwillnottouch,sir,atyourphrase,orclothes,Fortheyareold.

Per.Sir,Ihavebetter.

SirP.Pardon,Imeant,astheyarethemes.

Per.O,sir,proceed:I'llslanderyounomoreofwit,goodsir.

SirP.First,foryourgarb,itmustbegraveandserious,Vervreserv'dandlock'd;nottellasecret

mi

Onanyterms,nottoyourfather;scarceAfable,butwithcaution:makesurechoiceBothofyourcompany,anddiscourse;bewareYouneverspeakatruth—

Per.How!

SirP.Nottostrangers,

Forthosebetheyyoumustconversewithmost;OthersIwouldnotknow,sir,butatdistance,SoasIstillmisrhtbeasaverinthem:

Youshallhavetrickselsepastuponyouhourlv.Andthen,foryourreligion,professnone,Butwonderatthediversity,ofall:And,foryourpart,protest,weretherenootherButsimplythelawso'theland,youcouldcontentyou,Xic.Machiavel,andMonsieurBodin,bothWereofthismind.ThenmustyoulearntheuseAndhandlingofyoursilverforkatmeals,Themetalofyourglass;(thesearemainmattersWithyourItalian;)andtoknowthehourWhenyoumusteatyourmelons,andyourfigs.Per.Isthatapointofstatetoo?SirP.Hereitis:

ForyourVenetian,ifheseeamanPreposterousintheleast,hehashimstraight;Hehas;hestripshim.I'llacquaintyou,sir,Inowhavelivedhere,'tissomefourteenmonthsWithinthefirstweekofmylandinghere,AlltookmeforacitizenofVenice,Iknewtheformssowell—

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Per.Andnothingelse.[Aside.

SirP.IhadreadContarene,tookmeahouse.DealtwithmyJewstofurnishitwithmoveables—Well,ifIcouldbutfindoneman,onemanTomineownheart,whomIdursttrust,Iwould—Per.What,what,sir?

SirP.Makehimrich;makehimafortune:Heshouldnotthinkagain.Iwouldcommandit.Per.Ashow?

SirP.WithcertainprojectsthatIhave;WhichImaynotdiscover.

Per.IfIhad

Butonetowagerwith,Iwouldlayoddsnow,Hetellsmeinstantly.[Aside

SirP.Oneis,andthat

Icarenotgreatlywhoknows,toservethestateOfVenicewithredherringsforthreeyears,Andatacertainrate,fromRotterdam.WhereIhavecorrespondence.There'saletter,

>tmefromoneo'thestates,andtothatpurpose:Hecannotwritehisname,butthat'shismark.Per.Heisachandler?x-P.Xo,acheesemonger.TherearesomeotherstoowithwhomItreatAl-mtthesamenegociati<m;AndIwillundertakeit:for.'tisthus.I'lldo'twithease,Ihaveoastitall:Four':

—iesbutthreemeninher,andaU-v:Andsheshallmakemethreeretun.ir:

So,iftherecomebutoneofthree,Isave;Iftwo,Icandefalk:—butthisisnow,Ifmymainprojectfail.

Per.Thenyouhaveothers?

SirP.IshouldbelothtodrawthesubtleairOfsuchaplace,withoutmythousandaims.I'llnotdissemble,sir:where'erIcome,Ilovetobeconsiderative;and'tistrue,IhaveatmyfreehoursthoughtuponSomecertaingoodsuntothestateofVenice,WhichIdocallmyCautions;and,sir,whichImean,inhopeofpension,topropoundTotheGreatCouncil,thenuntotheForty,SototheTen.Mymeansaremadealready—

Per.Bywhom?

SirP.Sir,onethat,thoughhisplacebeobscure,Yethecansway,andtheywillhearhim.He'sAcommandador.

Per.What!acommonserjeant?

SirP.Sir,suchastheyare,putitintheirmouths,Whattheyshouldsay,sometimes,;aswellasgreater:1thinkIhavemynotestoshewyou—[Searchinghispockets.

Per.Goodsir.

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SirP.Butyoushallswearuntome,onyourgentry,Nottoanticipate—

Per.I,sir!

SirP.NorrevealAcircumstanceMypaperisnotwithme.

Per.0,butyoucanremember,sir.

SirP.Myfirstis

Concerningtinder-boxes.Youmustknow,Nofamilyisherewithoutitsbox.Now,sir,itbeingsoportableathing,Putcase,thatyouorIwereillaffectedUntothestate,sir;withitinourpockets,MightnotIgointotheArsenal,Oryou,comsoutagain,andnonethewiser?

Per.Exceptyourself,sir.

SirP.Goto,then.IthereforeAdvertisetothestate,howfititwere,Thatnonebutsuchaswereknownpatriots,Soundloversoftheircountry,shouldbesuffer'dToenjoythemintheirhouses;andeventhoseSeal'datsomeoffice,andatsuchabignessAsmightnotlurkinpockets.

Per.Admirable!

SirP.Mynextis,howtoenquire,andberesolv'd,Bypresentdemonstration,whetheraship,NewlyarrivedfromSoria,orfrom

AnysuspectedpartofalltheLevant,

Beguiltyoftheplague:andwheretheyuse

Tolieoutforty,fiftydays,sometimes,

AbouttheLazaretto,fortheirtrial;

I'llsavethatchargeandlossuntothemerchant,

Andinanhourclearthedoubt.

Per.Indeed,sir!

SirP.Or—Iwilllosemylabour.

Per.'Myfaith,that'smuch.

SirP.Nay,sir,conceiveme.Itwillcostmeinonions,Somethirtylivres—

Per.Whichisonepoundsterling.

SirP.Besidemywater-works:forthisIdo,sirFirst,Ibringinyourship'twixttwobrickwalls;Butthosethestateshallventure:OntheoneIstrainmeafairtarpauling,andinthatI

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stickmyonions,cutinhalves:theotherIsfullofloop-holes,outatwhichIthrustThenosesofmybellows;andthosebellowsIkeep,withwater-works,inperpetualmotion,Whichistheeasiestmatterofahundred.Now,sir,youronion,whichdothnaturallyAttracttheinfection,andyourbellowsblowingTheairuponhim,willshow,instantly,Byhischangedcolour,iftherebecontagion;Orelseremainasfairasatthefirst.—Nowitisknown,'tisnothing.

Per.Youareright,sir.

SirP.IwouldIhadmynote.

Per.'Faith,sowouldI:Butyouhavedonewellforonce,sir.

SirP.WereIfalse,

Orwouldbemadeso,IcouldshewyoureasonsHowIcouldsellthisstatenowtotheTurk,Spiteoftheirgallies,ortheir—[Examininghispapers.

Per.Prayyou,sirPol.

SirP.Ihavethemnotaboutme.

Per.ThatIfear'd:Theyarethere,sir.

SirP.No,thisismydiary,WhereinInotemyactionsoftheday.

Per.Prayyou,let'ssee,sir.Whatishere?Nolanditm,[Reads.Arathadgnawnmyspur-leathers;notwithstanding,1putonnew,anddidgoforth:butfirst1threwthreebeansoverthethreshold.Item,Iwentandboughttwotooth-picks,whereofoneIburstimmediately,inadiscourseWithaDutchmerchant,'boutragiondelstato.FromhimIwentandpaidamoccinigo

Forpiecingmysilkstockings;bytheway

Icheapen'dsprats;andatSt.Mark'sIurined.

'Faiththesearepoliticnotes!

SirP.Sir,IdoslipNoactionofnaylife,butthusIquoteit.

Per.Believeme,itiswise!

SirP.Nay,sir,readforth.

Enter,atadistance,LadyPOLITICKWOULD-BE,NANO,and

twoWaiting-women.

LadyP.Whereshouldthislooseknightbe,trow?surehe'shoused.

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Nan.Why,thenhe'sfast.

LadyP.Ay,heplaysbothwithme.Iprayyoustay.ThisheatwilldomoreharmTomycomplexion,thanhisheartisworth.(Idonotcaretohinder,buttotakehim.)Howitcomesoff![Rubbinghercheeks.

1Worn.Mymaster'syonder.LadyP.Where?

2Worn.Withayounggentleman.LadyP.Thatsame'stheparty;

Inman'sapparel!'Prayyou,sir,jogmyknight:Iwillbetendertohisreputation,Howeverhedemerit.

SirP.[seeingher.]Myladyl

Per.Where?

SirP.'Tissheindeed,sir;youshallknowher.Sheis,Wereshenotmine,aladyofthatmerit,Forfashionandbehaviour;andforbeautyIdurstcompare—

Per.Itseemsyouarenotjealous,Thatdarecommendher.

SirP.Nay,andfordiscourse—

Per.Beingyourwife,shecannotmissthat.

SirP.[introducingPer.]Madam,Hereisagentleman,prayyou,usehimfairly;Heseemsayouth,butheis—

LadyP.None.

SirP.Yes,oneHasputhisfaceassoonintotheworld—

LadyP.Youmean,asearly?butto-day?

SirP.How'sthis?

LadyP.Why,inthishabit,sir;youapprehendme:—Well,masterWould-be,thisdothnotbecomeyou;Ihadthoughttheodour,sir,ofyourgoodnameHadbeenmoreprecioustoyou;thatyouwouldnotHavedonethisdiremassacreonyourhonour;Oneofyourgravityandrankbesides!

"Rutknights,Isee,carelittlefortheoathTheymaketoladies;chiefly,theirownladies.

SirP.Now,bymyspurs,thesymbolofmyknighthood,—

Per.Lord,howhisbrainishumbledforanoath![Aside.

SirP.Ireachyounot.

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LadyP.Right,sir,yourpolicy

Ma}^bearitthroughthus.—Sir,awordwithyou.[ToPer.IwouldbelothtocontestpubliclyWithanygentlewoman,ortoseemFroward,orviolent,asthecourtiersays;Itcomestoonearrusticityinalady,WhichIwouldshunbyallmeans:andhoweverImaydeservefrommasterWould-be,yetThaveonefairgentlewomanthusbemadeTheunkindinstrumenttowronganother,Andonesheknowsnot,ay,andtopersever;Inmypoorjudgment,isnotwarrantedFrombeingasolecisminoursex,Ifnotinmanners.

Per.Howisthis!

SirP.Sweetmadam,Comenearertoyouraim.

LadyP.Marry,andwill.sir.Sinceyouprovokemewithyourimpudence,Andlaughterofyourlightland-syrenhere,YourSporus,yourhermaphrodite—

Per.What'shere?Poeticfury,andhistoricstorms!

SirP.Thegentleman,believeit,isofworth,Andofournation.

LadyP.Ay,yourWhite-friarsnation.Come,Iblushforyou,masterWould-be,I;Andamasham'dyoushouldhavenomoreforehead,Thanthustobethepatron,orSt.George,Toalewdharlot,abasefricatrice,Afemaledevil,inamaleoutside.

SirP.Nay,

Anyoubesuchaone,ImustbidadienToyourdelights.Thecaseappearstooliquid.[Exit.

LadyP.Ay,youmaycarry'tclear,withyourstate-face!—Butforyourcarnivalconcupiscence,Whohereisfledforlibertyofconscience,Fromfuriouspersecutionofthemarshal,HerwillIdis']tie.

Per.Thisisfine,i'faith!Anddoyouusethisoften?TsthispartOfyourwit'sexercise,'gainstyouhaveoccasion?

!l

P.Goto,sir.

Per.Doyouhearme,lady?Why,ifyourknighthavesetyoutobegshirts,Ortoinvitemehome,youmighthavedoneitAnearerway,byfar.

LadyP.ThiscannotworkyouOutofmysnare.

Per.Why,amIinit,then?Indeedyourhusbandtoldmeyouwerefair.Andsoyouare;onlyyournoseinclines,Thatsidethat'snextthesun,tothequeen-apple.

LadyP.Thiscannotbeendur'dbyanypatience.

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EnterMOSCA.

Mos,Whatisthematter,madam?

LadyP.Ifthesenate

Rightnotmyquestinthis,IwillprotestthemToalltheworld,noaristocracy.

3fo5.Whatistheinjury,lady?

LadyP.Why,thecalletYoutoldmeof,hereIhaveta'endisguised.

Mos.Who?this!whatmeansyourladyship?thecreatureImention'dtoyouisapprehendednow,Beforethesenate;youshallseeher—

LadyP.Where?

Mos.I'llbringyoutoher.Thisyounggentleman,Isawhimlandthismorningattheport.

LadyP.Is'tpossible!howhasmyjudgmentwander'cl?Sir,Imust,blushing,saytoyou,Ihaveerr'd;Andpleadyourpardon.

Per.What,morechangesyet!

LadyP.IhopeyouhavenotthemalicetorememberAgentlewoman'spassion.IfyoustayInVenicehere,pleaseyoutouseme,air—•

Mos.Willyougo,madam?

LadyP.'Prayyou,sir,useme;infaith,Themoreyouseeme,themoreIshallconceiveYouhaveforgotourquarrel.

[ExeuntLadyWould-be,Mosca,Nano,andWaiting-women.

Per.Thisisrare!

SirPolitickWould-be?no;sirPolitickBawd,Tobringmethusacquaintedwithhiswife!Well,wisesirPol,sinceyouhavepractisedthnaUponmyfreshman-ship,I'lltryyoursalt-head,Whatproofitisagainstacounter-plot.[Exit.

SCENEII.—TheScrutineo,orSenate-House.EnterVOLTORE,CORBACCIO,CORVTNO,andMOSCA.

Volt.Well,nowyouknowthecarriageofthebusiness,Yourconstancyisallthatisrequired

Untothesafetyofit.

Mos.Isthelie

Safelyconvey'damongstus?isthatsure?Knowseverymanhisburden?

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Corv.Yes.

Mos.Thenshrinknot.

Corv.Butknowstheadvocatethetruth?

Mos.O,sir,

Bynomeans;Idevisedaformaltale,Thatsalv'dyourreputation.Butbevaliant,sir.

Corv.Ifearnoonebuthim,thatthishispleadingShouldmakehimstandforaco-heir—

1(1os.Co-halter!

Hanghim;wewillbutusehistongue,hisnoise,Aswedocroakershere.

Corv.Ay,whatshallhedo?

Mos.Whenwehavedone,youmean?

Corv.Yes.

Mos.Why,we'llthink:

Sellhimformummia;he'shalfdustalready.Doyounotsmile,[toVoltore.]toseethisbuffalo,Howhedothsportitwithhishead?—Ishould,Ifallwerewellandpast.[Aside.']—Sir,[toCorbaccio.']onlyyouArehethatshallenjoythecropofall,Andthesenotknowforwhomtheytoil.

Corb.Ay,peace.

Mos.[turningtoCorvino.]Butyoushalleatit.Much![Aside.']

—Worshipfulsir,[toVoltore.~\Mercurysituponyourthunderingtongue,OrtheFrenchHercules,andmakeyourlanguageAsconqueringashisclub,tobeatalong,Aswithatempest,flat,ouradversaries;Butmuchmoreyours,sir.

Volt.Heretheycome,havedone.

Mos.Ihaveanotherwitness,ifyouneed,sir,Icanproduce.

Volt.Whoisit?

Mos.Sir,Ihaveher.

EnterAvocatoriandtaketheirseats,BONARIO,CELIA,Xotario,Commandadori,Safii,andotherOfficersofjustice.

1Avoc.Thelikeofthisthesenateneverheardof.

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2Avoc.'Twillcomemoststrangetothemwhenwereportit.4Avoc.Thegentlewomanhasbeeneverheld

Ofunreprovedname.

3Avoc.Sohastheyouth.

4Avoc.Themoreunnaturalpartthatofhisfather.'2Avoc.Moreofthehusband.

1Avoc.Inotknowtogive

Hisactaname,itissomonstrous!

4Avoc.Buttheimpostor,he'sathingcreatedToexceedexample!

1Avoc.Andallafter-times!

2Avoc.IneverheardatruevoluptuaryDescribed,buthim.

3Avoc.Appearyetthosewerecited?Not.Allbuttheoldmagnifico,Volpone.

1Avoc.Whyisnothehere?Mas.Pleaseyourfatherhoods,

Hereishisadvocate:himself'ssoweak,Sofeeble—

4Avoc.Whatareyou?Bon.Hisparasite,

Hisknave,hispandar:Ibeseechthecourt,Hemaybeforcedtocome,thatyourgraveeyesMaybearstrongwitnessofhisstrangeimpostures.

Volt.Uponmyfaithandcreditwithyourvirtues,Heisnotabletoenduretheair.

2Avoc.Bringhim,however.

3Avoc.Wewillseehim.

4Avoc.Fetchhim.

Volt.Yourfatherhoods'fitpleasuresbeobey'd;

[ExeuntOfficers.

Butsure,thesightwillrathermoveyourpities,Thanindignation.Mayitpleasethecourt,Inthemeantime,hemaybeheardinme;Iknowthisplacemostvoidofprejudice,Andthereforecraveit,sincewehavenoreasonTofearourtruthshouldhurtourcause.

3Avoc.Speakfree.

Volt.Thenknow,mosthonour'dfathers,ImustnowDiscovertoyourstrangelyabusedears,ThemostprodigiousandmostfrontlesspieceOfsolidimpudence,andtreachery,Thatever

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viciousnatureyetbroughtforthToshamethestateofVenice.Thislewdwoman,ThatwantsnoartificiallooksortearsTohelpthevizorshehasnowputon,HathlongbeenknownacloseadulteressTothatlasciviousyouththere;notsuspected,Isay,butknown,andtakenintheactWithhim;andbythisman,theeasyhusband,Pardon'd;whosetimelessbountymakeshimnowStandhere,themostunhappy,innocentperson,Thateverman'sowngoodnessmadeaccused.ForthesenotknowinghowtooweagiftOfthatdeargrace,butwiththeirshame;beingplacedSoaboveallpowersoftheirgratitude,

Begantohatethebenefit;and,inplace

Ofthanks,devisetoextirpethememory

Ofsuchanact:whereinIprayyourfatherhoods

Toobservethemalice,yea,therageofcreatures

Discover'dintheirevils;andwhatheart

Suchtake,evenfromtheircrimes:—butthatanon

\Yillmoreappear.—Thisgentleman,thefather,

Hearingofthisfoulfact,withmanyothers,

Whichdailystruckathistootenderears,

Andgrievedinnothingmorethanthathecouldnot

Preservehimselfaparent,(hisson'sills

Growingtothatstrangeflood,)atlastdecreed

Todisinherithim.

1Avoc.Thesebestrangeturns!

2Avoc.Theyoungman'sfamewaseverfairandhonest.Volt.Somuchmorefullofdangerishisvice,

Thatcanbeguilesoundershadeofvirtue.

But,asIsaid,myhonour'dsires,hisfather

Havingthissettledpurpose,bywhatmeans

Tohimbetray'd,weknownot,andthisday

Appointedforthedeed;thatparricide,

Icannotstylehimbetter,byconfederacy

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Preparingthishisparamourtobethere,

Enter'dVolpone'shouse,(whowastheman,

Yourfatherhoodsmustunderstand,design'd

Fortheinheritance,)theresoughthisfather:—

Butwithwhatpurposesoughthehim,mylords?

Itrembletopronounceit,thatason

Untoafather,andtosuchafather,

Shouldhavesofoul,feloniousintent!

Itwastomurderhim:whenbeingprevented

Byhismorehappyabsence,whatthendidhe?

Notcheckhiswickedthoughts;no,nownewdeeds,

(Mischiefdothneverendwhereitbegins)

Anactofhorror,fathers!hedragg'dforth

Theagedgentlemanthathadtherelainbed-rid

Threeyearsandmore,outofhisinnocentcouch.

Nakeduponthefloor,therelefthim;wounded

Hisservantintheface:and,withthisstrumpet

Thestaletohisforgedpractice,whowasglad

Tobesoactive,—(Ishallheredesire

Yourfatherhoodstonotebutmycollections,

Asmostremarkable,—)thoughtatoncetostop

Hisfather'sends,discredithisfreechoice

Intheoldgentleman,redeemthemselves,

Bylayinginfamyuponthisman,

Towhom,withblushing,theyshouldowetheirlives.

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1Avoc.Whatproofshaveyouofthis?

Bon.Mosthonouredfathers,

IhumblycravetherebenocreditgivenTothisman'smercenarytongue.

2Avoc.Forbear.

Bon.Hissoulmovesinhisfee.

3Avoc.O,sir.Bon.Thisfellow,

Forsixsolsmore,wouldpleadagainsthisMaker.

1Avoc.Youdoforgetyourself.

Volt.Nay,nay,gravefathers,Lethimhavescope:cananymanimagineThathewillsparehisaccuser,thatwouldnotHavesparedhisparent?

1Avoc.Well,produceyourproofs.

Cel.IwouldIcouldforgetIwereacreature.

Volt.SigniorCorbaccio1[Corbacciocomesforward.

4Avoc.Whatishe?Volt.Thefather.

2Avoc.Hashehadanoath?Not.Yes.

Corb.WhatmustIdonow?

Not.Yourtestimony'scraved.

Corb.Speaktotheknave?

I'llhavemymouthfirststoptwithearth;myheartAbhorshisknowledge:Idisclaiminhim.

1Avoc.Butforwhatcause?Corb.Themereportentofnature!

Heisanutterstrangertomyloins.

Bon.Havetheymadeyoutothis?

Corb.Iwillnothearthee,Monsterofmen,swine,goat,wolf,parricide!Speaknot,thouviper.

Bon.Sir,Iwillsitdown,Andratherwishmyinnocenceshouldsuffer,ThanIresisttheauthorityofafather.

Volt.SigniorCorvino![Corvinocomesforward.

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2Avoc.Thisisstrange.1Avoc.Who'sthis?Not.Thehusband.

4Avoc.Ishesworn?Not.Heis.

3Avoc.Speak,then

Corv.Thiswoman,pleaseyourfatherhoods,isawhore,Ofmosthotexercise,morethanapartrich,Uponrecord—

1Avoc.Nomore.

Corv.Neighslikeajennet,

Not.Preservethehonourofthecourt.

Corv.Ishall,Andmodestyofyourmostreverendears.

AndyetIhopethatImaysay,theseeyesHaveseenherglueduntothatpieceofcedar,Thatfinewell-timber'dgallant;andthathereThelettersmayberead,thoroughthehorn,Thatmakethestoryperfect.

Mos.Excellent!sir.

Corv.Thereisnoshameinthisnow,isthere?[AsidetoMosca,

Mos.None.

Corv.OrifIsaid,IhopedthatshewereonwardToherdamnation,iftherebeahellGreaterthanwhoreandwoman;agoodcatholicMaymakethedoubt.

3Avoc.Hisgriefhathmadehimfrantic.

1Avoc.Removehimhence.

2Avoc.Looktothewoman.[Celiasuvons.Corv.Rare!

Prettilyfeign'd,again!

4Avoc.Standfromabouther.

1Avoc.Givehertheair.

3Avoc.Whatcanyousay?[ToMosca.Mos.Mywound,

Mayitpleaseyourwisdoms,speaksforme,receivedInaidofmygoodpatron,whenhemistFliflsought-forfather,whenthatwell-taughtdameHadhercuegivenher,tocryout,Arape!Bon.Omostlaidimpudence!Fathers—

3Avoc.Sir,besilent;

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Youhadyourhearingfree,somusttheytheirs.

2Avoc.Idobegintodoubttheimposturehere.

4Avoc.Thiswomanhastoomanymoods.Volt.Gravefathers,

SheisacreatureofamostprofestAndprostitutedlewdness.

Corv.Mostimpetuous,Unsatisfied,gravefathers!

Volt.Mayherfeignings

Nottakeyourwisdoms:butthisdayshebaitedAstranger,agraveknight,withherlooseeyes,Andmorelasciviouskisses.ThismansawthemTogetheronthewater,inagondola.

Mos.Hereistheladyherself,thatsawthemtoo;Without;whothenhadintheopenstreetsPursuedthem,butforsavingherknight'shonour.

1Avoc.Producethatlady.

2Avoc.Lethercome.[^,7Mosca.4Avoc.Thesethings,

Theystrikewithwonder.

3Avoc.Iamturn'dastone.

Re-enterMOSCAwithLadyWOULD-BE.

Mos.Beresolute,madam.

LadyP.Ay,thissameisshe.[PointingtoCelia

Out,thoucamelionharlot!nowthineeyesVietearswiththehysena.Dar'stthoulookUponmywrongedface?—Icryyourpardons,IfearIhaveforgettinglytransgrestAgainstthedignityofthecourt—

2Awe.No,madam.

LadyP.Andbeenexorbitant—

2Avoc.Youhavenot,lady.

4Avoc.Theseproofsarestrong.LadyP.Surely,IhadnopurposeToscandaliseyourhonours,ormysex's.

3Avoc.Wedobelieveit.

LadyP.Surely,youmaybelieveit.

2Avoc.Madam,wedo.

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LadyP.Indeedyoumay;mybreedingIsnotsocoarse—

4Avoc.Weknowit.LadyP.Tooffend

Withpertinacy—

3Avoc.Lady—

LadyP.Suchapresence!Nosurely.

1Avoc.Wewellthinkit.

LadyP.Youmaythinkit.

1Avoc.Lethero'ercome.WTiatwitnesseshaveyouTomakegoodyourreport?

Bon.Ourconsciences.

Cel.Andheaven,thatneverfailstheinnocent.

4Avoc.Thesearenotestimonies.Bon.Notinyourcourts,

Wheremultitude,andclamourovercomes.IAvoc.Nay,thenyoudowaxinsolent.

Re-enterOfficers,bearingVOLPONEonacouch.

Volt.Here,here,

Thetestimonycomes,thatwillconvince,Andputtoutterdumbnesstheirboldtongues:Seehere,gravefathers,here'stheravisher,Therideronmen'swives,thegreatimpostor,Thegrandvoluptuary!DoyounotthinkTheselimbsshouldaffectvenery?ortheseeyesCovetaconcubine?prayyoumarkthesehands;Aretheynotfittostrokealady'sbreasts?—Perhapshedothdissemble!

Bon.Sohedoes.\'"ti.Wouldyouhavehimtortured?

Bon.Iwouldhavehimproved.

Volt.Besttryhimthenwithgoads,orburningirons;Puthimtothestrappado:IhaveheardTherackhathcuredthegout;'faith,giveithim,Andhelphimofamalady;becourteous.I'llundertake,beforethesehonour'dfathers,Heshallhaveyetasmanyleftdiseases,Asshehasknownadulterers,orthoustrumpets.—0,mymostequalhearers,ifthesedeeds,Actsofthisboldandmostexorbitantstrain,Maypasswithsufferance,whatonecitizenButowestheforfeitofhislife,yea,fame,Tohimthatdarestraducehim?whichofyouAresafe,myhonour'dfathers?Iwouldask,Withleaveofyourgravefatherhoods,iftheirplotHaveanyfaceorcolourliketotruth?Orif,untothedullestnostrilhere,Itsmellnotrank,andmostabhorredslander?Icraveyourcareofthisgoodgentleman,Whoselifeismuchendanger'dbytheirfable;Andasforthem,Iwillconcludewiththis,Thatviciouspersons,whenthey'rehotandflesh'dInimpiousacts,theirconstancyabounds:Damn'ddeedsaredonewith

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greatestconfidence.

1Avoc.Takethemtocustody,andseverthem.

2Avoc.'Tispitytwosuchprodigiesshouldlive.

1Avoc.Lettheoldgentlemanbereturn'dwithcare.

[ExeuntOfficerswithVolpone.I'msorryourcredulityhathwrong'dhim.4Avoc.Thesearetwocreatures!

3Avoc.I'veanearthquakeinme.

2Avoc.Theirshame,evenintheircradles,fledtheirfaces.

4Avoc.Youhavedoneaworthyservicetothestate,sir,

Intheirdiscovery.[ToVoU.

1Avoc.Youshallhear,erenight,Whatpunishmentthecourtdecreesuponthem.

[ExeuntAvocat.,Not.,andOfficerswithBonarioandCelia.

Volt.Wethankyourfatherhoods.—Howlikeyouit?

Mos.Rare.

I'dhaveyourtongue,sir,tiptwithgoldforthis;I'dhaveyoubetheheirtothewholecity;TheearthI'dhavewantmen,ereyouwantliving:They'reboundtoerectyourstatueinSt.Mark's.SigniorCorvino,IwouldhaveyougoAndshewyourself,thatyouhaveconquer'd.

Corv.Yes.

3/05.Itwasmuchbetterthatyoushouldprof-

Yourself&cuckoldthus,thanthattheotherShouldhavebeenproved.

Corv.Nay,Iconsider'dthat:Nowitisherfault.

Mos.Thenithadbeenyours.

Corv.True;Idodoubtthisadvocatestill.

Mos.I'faithYouneednot,Idareeaseyouofthatcare.

Corv.Itrustthee,Mosca.[Exit.

Mos.Asyourownsoul,sir.

Corb.Mosca!

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Mos.Nowforyourbusiness,sir.

Corb.How!haveyoubusiness?

Mos.Yes,your's,sir.

Corb.0,noneelse?

Mos.Noneelse,notI.

Corb.Becareful,then.

Mos.Restyouwithbothyoureyes,sir.

Corb.Dispatchit.

Mos.Instantly.

Corb.Andlookthatall,Whatever,beputin,jewels,plate,moneys.Householdstuff,bedding,curtains.

Mos.Curtain-rings,sir:Onlytheadvocate'sfeemustbededucted.

Corb.I'llpayhimnow;you'llbetooprodigal.

Mos.Sir,Imusttenderit.

Corb.Twochequinesiswell.

Mos.No,six,sir.

Corb.'Tistoomuch.

.3/05.Hetalk'dagreatwhile;Youmustconsiderthat,sir.

Corb.Well,there'sthree—

Mos.I'llgiveithim.

Corb.Doso,andthere'sforthee.[Exit.

Mos.Bountifulbones!WhathorridstrangeoffenceDidhecommit'gainstnature,inhisyouth,Worthythisage?[Aside.']—Yousee,sir,[toVolt.]howIworkUntoyourends:takeyounonotice.

Voll.No,I'llleaveyou.[Exit.

Mos.Allisyours,thedevilandall:Goodadvocate!—Madam,I'llbringyouhome.

LadyP.No,I'llgoseeyourpatron.

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Mos.Thatyoushallnot:Plltellyouwhy.MypurposeistourgeMypatrontoreformhisWill;andforThezealyouhaveshewnto-day,whereasbeforeYouwerebutthirdorfourth,youshallbenow

Putinthefirst:whichwouldappearasbegg'd,Ifyouwerepresent.Therefore—

LadyP.Youshallswayme.[Exeunt.

ACTV

SCENEI.—ARoominVOLPONE'SHouse.EnterVOLPONE.

Volp.Well,Iamhere,andallthisbruntispast.Ine'erwasindislikewithmydisguiseTillthisfledmoment:here'twasgood,inprivate;Butinyourpublic,—cavewhilstIbreathe.'ForeGod,myleftleg'gantohavethecramp,AndIapprehendedstraightsomepowerhadstruckmeWithadeadpalsy:Well!Imustbemerry,Andshakeitoff.AmanyofthesefearsWouldputmeintosomevillainousdisease,Shouldtheycomethickuponme:I'llprevent'em.Givemeabowloflustywine,tofright

Thishumourfrommyheart.[Drinks.']—Hum,hum,hum!'Tisalmostgonealready;Ishallconquer.Anydevice,now,ofrareingeniousknavery,Thatwouldpossessmewithaviolentlaughter,Wouldmakemeupagain.[Drinksagain.']—So,so,so,so!Thisheatislife;'tisbloodbythistime:—Mosca!

EnterMOSCA.

Mos.Hownow,sir?doesthedaylookclearagain?Arewerecover'd,andwroughtoutoferror,Intoourway,toseeourpathbeforeus?Isourtradefreeoncemore?

Volp.ExquisiteMosca!

Mos.Wasitnotcarriedlearnedly?

Volp.Andstoutly:Goodwitsaregreatestinextremities.

Mos.Itwereafollybeyondthought,totrustAnygrandactuntoacowardlyspirit:Youarenottakenwithitenough,methinks.

Volp.O,morethanifIhadenjoy'dthewench:Thepleasureofallwoman-kind'snotlikeit.

Mos.Whynowyouspeak,sir.Wemustherebefix'd;Herewemustrest;thisisourmaster-piece;WTecannotthinktogobeyondthis.

Volp.True,Thouhastplay'dthyprize,mypreciousMosca.

Mos.Nay,sir,Togullthecourt—

Volp.AndquitedivertthetorrentUpontheinnocent.

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Mos.Yes,andtomakeSorareamusicoutofdiscords—

Volp.Right.

Thatyettome'sthestrangest,howthouhastborneit!Thatthese,beingsodivided'mongstthemselves,Shouldnotscentsomewhat,orinmeorthee.Ordoubttheirownside.

Mos.True,theywillnotsee't.

Toomuchlightblindsthem,Ithink.EachofthemIssopossestandstuftwithhisownhopes,Thatanythinguntothecontrary,Neversotrue,orneversoapparent,Neversopalpable,theywillresistit—

Volp.Likeatemptationofthedevil.

Mos.Right,sir.

Merchantsmaytalkoftrade,andyourgreatsigniorsOflandthatyieldswell;butifItalyHaveanyglebemorefruitfulthanthesefellows,Iamdeceiv'd.Didnotyouradvocaterare?

Volp.O—Mymosthonour'dfathers,mygravefathers,Undercorrectionofyourfatherhoods,Whatfaceoftruthishere?IfthesestrangedeedsMaypass,mosthonour'dfathers—IhadmuchadoToforbearlaughing.

Mos.Itseem'dtome,yousweat,sir.

Volp.Introth,Ididalittle.

Mos.Butconfess,sir,Wereyounotdaunted?

Volp.Ingoodfaith,IwasAlittleinamist,butnotdejected;Never,butstillmyself.

Mos.Ithinkit,sir.

Now,sotruthhelpme,Imustneedssaythis,sir,Andoutofconscienceforyouradvocate,Hehastakenpains,infaith,sir,anddeserv'd,Inmypoorjudgment,Ispeakitunderfavour,Nottocontraryyou,sir,veryrichly—Well—tobecozen'd,

Volp.Troth,andIthinksotoo,BythatIheardhim,inthelatterend.

Mos.O,butbefore,sir:hadyouheardhimfirstDrawittocertainheads,thenaggravate,Thenusehisvehementfigures—Ilook'dstillWhenhewouldshiftashirt:and,doingthisOutofpurelove,nohopeofgain—

Volp.'Tisright.Icannotanswerhim,Mosca,asIwould,

Xotyet;butforthysake,atthyentreaty,Iwillbegin,evennow—tovexthemall,Thisveryinstant.

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Mos.Goodsir.

Volp.CallthedwarfAndeunuchforth.

Mos.Castrone,Xano!

EnterCASTRONEandNANO.

Nano.Here.

Volp.Shallwehaveajignow?

Mos.^Tiatyouplease,sir.

Volp.Go,

Straightgiveoutaboutthestreets,youtwo,ThatIamdead;doitwithconstancy,Sadly,doyouhear?imputeittothegriefOfthislateslander.[ExeuntCast,andNano.

Mos.Whatdoyoumean,sir?

Volp.O,

IshallhaveinstantlymyVulture,Crow,Raven,comeflyinghither,onthenews,Topeckforcarrion,myshe-wolf,andall,Greedy,andfullofexpectation—

Mos.Andthentohaveitravish'dfromtheirmouths!

Volp.'Tistrue.Iwillhavetheeputonagown,Andtakeuponthee,asthouwertmineheir:Shewthemawill:Openthatchest,andreachForthoneofthosethathastheblanks;I'llstraightPutinthyname.

Mos.Itwillberare,sir.[Giveshimapaper.

Volp.Ay,Whentheyev'ngape,andfindthemselvesdeluded—

Mos.Yes.

Volp.Andthouusethemscurvily!Dispatch,getonthygown.

Mos.[puttingonagown.]Butwhat,sir,iftheyaskAfterthebody?

Volp.Say,itwascorrupted.

Mos.I'llsay,itstunk,sir;andwasfaintohaveitCoffin'dupInstantly,andsentaway.

Volp.Anything;whatthouwilt.Hold,here'smywill.Gettheeacap,acount-book,penandink,Papersaforethee;sitasthouwerttalcingAninventoryofparcels:I'llgetupBehindthecurtain,onastool,andhearken;Sometimepeepover,seehowtheydolook,Withwhatdegreestheirblooddothleavetheirfaces,O,'twillaffordmeararemealoflaughter!

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Mos.[puttingonacap,andsettingoutthetable,etc.]Youradvocatewillturnstarkdulluponit.

Volp.Itwilltakeoffhisoratory'sedge.

Mos.Butyourclarissimo,oldround-back,heWillcrumpyoulikeahog-louse,withthetouch.

Volp.AndwhatCorvino?

Mos.O,sir,lookforhim,To-morrowmorning,witharopeanddagger,Tovisitallthestreets;hemustrunmad.Myladytoo,thatcameintothecourt,Tobearfalsewitnessforyourworship—

Volp.Yes,

Andkiss'dme'forethefathers,whenmyfaceFlow'dallwithoils.

Mos.Andsweat,sir.Why,yourgoldIssuchanothermed'cine,itdriesupAllthoseoffensivesavours:ittransformsThemostdeformed,andrestoresthemlovely,As'twerethestrangepoeticalgirdle.JoveCouldnotinventt'himselfashroudmoresubtleTopassAcrisius'guards.ItisthethingMakesalltheworldhergrace,heryouth,herbeauty.

Volp.Ithinkshelovesme.

Mos.Who?thelady,sir?She'sjealousofyou.

Volp.Dostthousayso?[Knockingwithin.

Mos.Hark,There'ssomealready.

Volp.Look.

Mos.ItistheVulture;Hehasthequickestscent.

Volp.I'lltomyplace,Thoutothyposture.[Goesbehindthecurtain.

Mos.Iamset.

Volp.But,Mosca,Playtheartificernow,torturethemrarely.

EnterVOLTORE.

Volt.Hownow,myMosca?Mos.[writing.]Turkeycarpets,nine—Volt.Takinganinventory1thatiswell.Mos.Twosuitsofbedding,tissue—Volt.Where'stheWill?Letmereadthatthewhile

EnterServants,withCORBACCIOinachair.

Corb.So,setmedown,

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Andgetyouhome.[ExeuntServants.

Volt.Ishecomenow,totroubleus!

Mos.Ofclothofgold,hromore—Corb.Isitdone,Mosca?Mos.Ofseveralvelvetseight—Volt.Ilikehiscare.Corb.Dosttkounothear?

EnterCORVTNO.

Corb.Ha!isthehourcome,Mosca?Volp.[peepingoverthecurtain.]Ay,nowtheymuster.Corv.Whatdoestheadvocatehere,OrthisCorbaccio?

Cot6.Whatdothesehere?

EnterLadyPOL.WOULD-BE.

LadyP.Mosca!Ishisthreadspun?

Mos.Eightchestsoflinen—

Volp.0,MyfinedameWould-be,tool

Corv.Mosca,theWill,ThatImayshewitthese,andridthemhence.

Mos.Sixchestsofdiaper,fourofdamask.—There."

[GivesthemtheWillcarelesshj,overhisshoulder.

Corb.IsthattheWill?

Mos.Down-bedsandbolsters—

Volp.Rare!

Bebusystill.Nowtheybegintonutter:Theyneverthinkofme.Look,see,see,see!Howtheirswifteyesrunoverthelongdeed,Untothename,andtothelegacies,Whatisbequeathedthemthere—

Mos.Tensuitsofhangings—

Volp.Ay,intheirgarters,Mosca.NowtheirhopesAreatthegasp.

Volt.Moscathehcirl

Corb.What'sthat?

Volp.Myadvocateisdumb;looktomymerchant,Hehasheardofsomestrangestorm,ashipislost,Hefaints;myl;ulvwillswoon.Oldglazeneyes,Hehathnotreach'dhisdespairyet.

Corb.AlltheseAreoutofhope;Iam,sure,theman.[TakestheWill.

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Corv.But,MDSC:I—

MI»S.Twocalutt'f*.

Corv.Isthisinearnest?

M»s.OneOfebony—

Corv.Ordoyoubutdoliulpmo?

Mos.Theother,motherofpearl—Iamverybusy.

Goodfaith,itisafortunethrownuponme—Item,onesaltofagate—notmyseeking.

LadyP.Doyouhear,sir?

Mos.Aperfumedbox—'Prayyouforbear,YouseeI'mtroubled—madeofanonyx—

LadyP.How!

Mos.To-morrowornextday,IshallbeatleisureTotalkwithyouall.

Corv.Isthismylargehope'sissue?

LadyP.Sir,Imusthaveafakeranswer.

Mos.Madam!

Marry,andshall:'prayyou,fairlyquitmyhouse.Nay,raisenotempestwithyourlooks;butharkyou,Rememberwhatyourladyshipoffer'dmeToputyouinanheir;goto,thinkonit:Andwhatyousaide'enyourbestmadamsdidFormaintenance;andwhynotyou?Enough.Gohome,andusethepoorsirPol,yourknight,well,ForfearItellsomeriddles;go,bemelancholy.

[ExitLadyWould-be.

Volp.O,myfinedevil!

Corv.Mosca,'prayyouaword.

Mos.Lord!willyounottakeyourdispatchhenceyet?Methinks,ofall,youshouldhavebeentheexample.Whyshouldyoustayhere?withwhatthought,whatpromise?Hearyou;doyounotknow,Iknowyouanass,Andthatyouwouldmostfainhavebeenawittol,Iffortunewouldhaveletyou?thatyouareAdeclaredcuckold,ongoodterms?Thispearl,You'llsay,wasyours?right:thisdiamond?I'llnotdeny't,butthankyou.Muchhereelse?Itmaybeso.Why,thinkthatthesegoodworksMayhelptohideyourbad.I'llnotbetrayyou;Althoughyoubebutextraordinary,Andhaveitonlyintitle,itsufficeth:Gohome,bemelancholytoo,ormad.[ExitCorvino.

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Volp.RareMosca!howhisvillainybecomeshim1

Volt.Certainhedothdeludealltheseforme.

Corb.Moscathehek!

Volp.O,hisfoureyeshavefoundit.

Corb.Iamcozen'd,cheated,byaparasiteslave;Harlot,thouhastgull'dme.

71/os.Yes,sir.Stopyourmouth,OrIshalldrawtheonlytoothisleft.Arenotyouhe,thatfilthycovetouswretch,Withthethreelegs,thathere,inhopeofprey,Have,anytimethisthreeyears,snuff'dabout,Withyourmostgrovellingnose,andwouldhavehkedMetothepoisoningofmypatron,sk?

Arenotyouhethathaveto-dayincourt

Profess'dthedisinheritingofyourson?

Perjuredyourself?Gohome,anddie,andstink.

Ifyoubutcroakasyllable,allcomesout:

Away,andcallyourporters![ExitCorbaccio.]Go,go,stink.

Volp.Excellentvarlet!

Volt.Now,myfaithfulMosca,Ifindthyconstancy.

Mos.Sir!

Volt.Sincere.

Mos.[writing.]AtableOfporphyry—Imarieyou'llbethustroublesome.

Volt.Nay,leaveoffnow,theyaregone.

Mos.Why,whoareyou?

What!whodidsendforyou?O,cryyoumercy,Reverendsir!Goodfaith,Iamgrievedforyou,ThatanychanceofmineshouldthusdefeatYour(Imustneedssay)mostdeservingtravails:ButIprotest,sir,itwascastuponme,AndIcouldalmostwishtobewithoutit,Butthatthewillo'thedeadmustbeobserv'd.Marry,myjoyisthatyouneeditnot;Youhaveagift,sir,(thankyoureducation,)Willneverletyouwant,whiletherearemen,Andmalice,tobreedcauses.WouldIhadButhalfthelike,forallmyfortune,sir!IfIhaveanysuits,asIdohope,Thingsbeingsoeasyanddirect,Ishallnot,Iwillmakeboldwithyourobstreperousaid,Conceiveme,—foryourfee,sir.Inmeantime,Youthathavesomuchlaw,IknowhavetheconscienceXottobecovetousofwhatismine.Goodsir,Ithankyouformyplate;'twillhelpTosetupayoungman.Goodfaith,youlookAsyouwerecostive;bestgohomeand

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purge,sir.[ExitVoltore.Volp.[comesfrombehindthecurtain.]Bidhimeatlettucewell.

Mywittymischief,

Letmeembracethee.OthatIcouldnowTransformtheetoaVenus!—Mosca,go,Straighttakemyhabitofclarissimo,Andwalkthestreets;beseen,tormentthemmore:Wemustpursue,aswellasplot.WhowouldHavelostthisfeast?

Mos.Idoubtitwilllosethem.Volp.O,myrecoveryshalliv<overall.ThatIcouldnowbutthinkondi-^ui

Tomeetthemin,andaskthemq>as:

Iwouldvexthemstillateveryturn!

Mos.Sir,1canlityou.

Volp.Canstthou?

Mos.Yes,Iknow

Oneo'thecommandadori,sir,solikeyou;HimwillIstraightmakedrunk,andbringyouhishabit.

Volp.Araredisguise,andansweringthybrain!O,Iwillbeasharpdiseaseuntothem.

Mos.Sir,youmustlookforcurses—

Volp.Tilltheyburst;TheFoxfareseverbestwhenheiscurst.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—AHallinSirPOLITICK'SHouse.EnterPEREGRINEdisguised,andthreeMerchants.

Per.AmIenoughdisguised?

1Mer.Iwarrantyou.

Per.Allmyambitionistofrighthimonly.

2Mer.Ifyoucouldshiphimaway,'twereexcellent.

3Mer.ToZant,ortoAleppo?Per.Yes,andhavehis

Adventuresputi'theBookofVoyages,Andhisgull'dstoryregister'dfortruth.Well,gentlemen,whenIaminawhile,Andthatyouthinkuswarminourdiscourse,Knowyourapproaches.

1Mer.Trustittoourcare.[ExeuntMerchants.

EnterWaiting-woman.

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Per.Saveyou,fairlady!IssirPolwithin?

Worn.Idonotknow,sir.

Per.Prayyousayuntohim,Hereisamerchant,uponearnestbusiness,Desirestospeakwithhim.

Worn.Iwillsee,sir.[Exit.

Per.Prayyou.—Iseethefamilyisallfemalehere.

Re-enterWaiting-woman.

Worn.Hesays,sir,hehasweightyaffairsofstate,Thatnowrequirehimwhole;someothertimeYoumaypossesshim.

Per.Prayyousayagain.

Ifthoserequirehimwhole,thesewillexacthim,WhereofIbringhimtidings.[ExitWoman.}—WhatmightbeHisgraveaffairofstatenow!howtomakeBologniansausageshereinVenice,sparingOneo'theingredients?

Re-enterWaiting-woman.

Worn.Sir,hesays,heknowsByyourwordtidings,thatyouarenostatesman,

Andthereforewillsyoustay.

Per.Sweet,prayyoureturnhim;Ihavenotreadsomanyproclamations,Andstudiedthemforwords,ashehasdone—But—herehedeignstocome.[ExitWoman

EnterSirPOLITICK.

SirP.Sir,Imustcrave

Yourcourteouspardon.Therehathchancedto-day,Unkinddisaster'twixtmyladyandme;AndIwaspenningmyapology,Togivehersatisfaction,asyoucamenow.

Per.Sir,IamgrievedIbringyouworsedisaster:Thegentlemanyoumetattheportto-day,Thattoldyou,hewasnewlyarrived—

SirP.Ay,wasAfugitivepunk?

Per.No,sir,aspysetonyou;Andhehasmaderelationtothesenate,ThatyouprofesttohimtohaveaplotToselltheStateofVenicetotheTurk.

SirP.0me!

Per.Forwhich,warrantsaresign'dbythistime,Toapprehendyou,andtosearchyourstudy

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Forpapers—

SirP.Alas,sir,Ihavenone,butnotesDrawnoutofplay-books—

Per.Allthebetter,sir.

SirP.Andsomeessays.WhatshallIdo?

Per.Sir,best

Conveyyourselfintoasugar-chest;Or,ifyoucouldlieround,afrailwererare,AndIcouldsendyouaboard.

SirP.Sir,Ibuttalk'dso,Fordiscoursesakemerely.[Knockingwithin.

Per.Hark!theyarethere.

SirP.Iamawretch,awretchI

Per.Whatwillyoudo,sir?Haveyoune'eracurrant-butttoleapinto?They'llputyoutotherack;youmustbesudden.

SirP.Sir,Ihaveaningine—

3Mer.[within.]SirPolitickWould-be1

2Mer.[within.1]Whereishe?

SirP.ThatIhavethoughtuponbeforetime.

Per.Whatisit?

SirP.Ishallne'erendurethetorture.Marry,itis,sir,ofatortoise-shell,Fittedfortheseextremities:prayyou,sir,helpme.HereI'veaplace,sir,toputbackmylegs,

Pleaseyoutolayiton,sir,[liesdownwhilePeregrineplaces

theshelluponhim.]—withthiscap,Andmyblackgloves.I'lllie,sir,likeatortoise,'Tilltheyaregone.

Per.Andcallyouthisaningine?

SirP.MineowndeviceGoodsir,bidmywife'swomen

Toburnmypapers.[Ex-itPeregrine.

ThethreeMerchantsrushin.

1Mer.Whereishehid?3Mer.Wemust,

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Andwillsurefindhim.

2Mer.Whichishisstudy?

Re-enterPEREGRINE.

1Mer.WhatAreyou,sir?

Per.Iamamerchant,thatcameheroTolookuponthistortoise.

3Mer.How!

1Mer.St.Mark!Whatbeastisthis!

Per.Itisafish.

2Mer.Comeouthere!

Per.Nay,youmaystrikehim,sir,andtreaduponhim;He'llbearacart.

1Mer.What,torunoverhim?Per.Yes,sir.

3Mer.Let'sjumpuponhim.

2Mer.Canhenotgo?Per.Hecreeps,sir.

1Mer.Let'sseehimcreep.

Per.No,goodsir,youwillhurthim.

2Mer.Heart,Iwillseehimcreep,orprickhisguts.

3Mer.Comeouthere!

Per.Prayyou,sir!—Creepalittle.[AsidetoSirPolitick.

1Mer.Forth.

2Mer.Yetfarther.Per.Goodsir!—Creep.

2Mer.We'llseehislegs.

[Theypullofftheshellanddiscoverhim.

3Mer.Odsso,hehasgarters!

1Mer.Ay,andgloves!

2Mer.IsthisYourfearfultortoise?

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Per.[discoveringhimself.]Now,sirPol,weareeven;ForyournextprojectIshallbeprepared:Iamsorryforthefuneralofyournotes,sir.

1Mer.'TwereararemotiontobeseeninFleet-street.

2Mer.Ay,intheTerm.

1MPT.OrSmithfield,inthefair.

3Mer.Methinks'tisbutamelancholysight.Per.Farewell,mostpolitictortoise!

[ExeuntPer.andMerchants.

Re-enterWaiting-woman.

SirP.Where'smylady?Knowssheofthis?

Worn.Iknownot,sir.

SirP.Enquire.—O,Ishallbethefableofallfeasts,Thefreightofthegazetti,ship-boy'stale;And,whichisworst,eventalkforordinaries.

Worn.Mylady'scomemostmelancholyhome,Andsays,sir,shewillstraighttosea,forphysic.

SirP.AndItoshunthisplaceandclimeforever,Creepingwithhouseonback,andthinkitwellToshrinkmypoorheadinmypoliticshell.[Exeunt.

'SCENEIII.—ARoominVOLPONE'SHouse.

EnterMOSCAinthehabitofaClarissimo,andVOLTONEinthatofaCommandadore.

Volp.AmIthenlikehim?

Mos.0,sir,youarehe;Nomancanseveryou,

Volp.Good.

Mos.ButwhatamI?

Volp.'Foreheaven,abraveclarissimo;thoubecorn'stit!Pitythouwertnotbornoue.

Mos.IfIholdMymadeone,'twillbewell.[Aside.

Volp.I'llgoandseeWhatnewsfirstatthecourt.[Exit.

Mos.Doso.MyFoxIsoutofhishole,andereheshallre-enter,I'llmakehimlanguishinhisborrow'dca•,Excepthecometocompositionwithme.—Androgyne,Castrone,Xano!

EnterANDROGYNO,CASTRONE,andXAXO.

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AllHere.

i.Go,recreateyourselvesabroad;gosport.—[ExaSi,nowIhavethekeys,andamy><

•ohewillneedsbedeadaforehistim••,I'llburyhim,orgainbyhim:Iamhisln'ir,Andsowillkeepme,tillheshareatleast.Tocozenhimofall,werebutacheat

Wellplaced;nomanwouldconstrueitasin:

Lethissportpayfor't.Thisiscall'dtheFox-trap.[Exit.

SCENEIV.—AStreet.EnterCORBACCIOandCoRViisro.

Corb.Theysay,thecourtisset.

Corv.WemustmaintainOurfirsttalegood,forbothourreputations.

Corb.Why,mine'snotale:mysonwouldtherehavekill'dme.

Corv.That'strue,Ihadforgot:—mineis,I'msure.[Aside.

ButforyourWill,sir.

Corb.Ay,I'llcomeuponhimForthathereafter,nowhispatron'sdead.

EnterVOLPONE.

Volp.SigniorCorvino!andCorbaccio!sir,Muchjoyuntoyou.

Corv.Ofwhat?

Volp.ThesuddengoodDroptdownuponyou—

Corb.Where?

Volp.Andnoneknowshow,FromoldVolpone,sir.

Corb.Out,arrantknave!

Volp.Letnotyourtoomuchwealth,sir,makeyoufurious.

Corb.Away,thouvarlet!

Volp.Why,sir?

Corb.Dostthoumockme?

Volp.Youmocktheworld,sir;didyounotchangeWills?

Corb.Out,harlot!

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Volp.O!belikeyouarethema^,SigniorCorvino?'faith,youcarryitwell;Yougrownotmadwithal;Iloveyourspirit:Youarenotover-leaven'dwithyourfortune.Youshouldhavesomewouldswellnow,likeawine-fat,WithsuchanautumnDidhegiveyouall,sir?

Corv.Avoid,yourascal!

Volp.Troth,yourwifehasshewnHerselfaverywoman;butyouarewell,Youneednotcare,youhaveagoodestate,Tobearitout,sir,betterbythischance:ExceptCorbacciohaveashare.

Corb.Hence,varlet.

Volp.Youwillnotbeacknown,sir;why,'tiswise.Thusdoallgamesters,atallgames,dissemble:Nomanwillseemtowin.[ExeuntCorvinoandCorbaccio.]—Here

comesmyvulture,Heavinghisbeakupintheair,andsnuffing.

EnterVOLTORE.

Volt.Outstrip!thus,byaparasite!aslave,Wouldrunonerrands,andmakelegsforcrumbs!Well,whatI'lldo—

Volp.Thecourtstaysforyourworship.Ie'enrejoice,sir,atyourworship'shappiness,Andthatitfellintosolearnedhands,Thatunderstandthefingering—

Volt.Whatdoyoumean?

Volp.Imeantobeasuitortoyourworship.Forthesmalltenement,outofreparations,That,totheendofyourlongrowofhouses,BythePiscaria:itwas,inVolpone'stime,Yourpredecessor,erehegrewdiseased,Ahandsome,pretty,custom'dbawdy-houseAsanywasinVenice,nonedispraised;Butfellwithhim:hisbodyandthathouseDecay'dtogether.

Volt.Come,sir,leaveyourprating.

Volp.Why,ifyourworshipgivemebutyourhand,ThatImayhavetherefusal,Ihavedone.'Tisameretoytoyou,sir;candle-rents;Asyourlearn'dworshipknows—

Volt.WhatdoIknow?

Volp.Marry,noendofyourwealth,sir;Goddecreaseit!

Volt.Mistakingknave!what,mock'stthoumymisfortune?

[Exit.

Volp.Hisblessingonyourheart,sir;would'tweremore!—Nowtomyfirstagain,atthenextcorner.[Exit.

SCENEV.—AnotherpartoftheStreet.

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EnterCORBACCIOandCORVINO;—MOSCApassesoverthe

Stage,beforethem.

Corb.See,inourhabit!seetheimpudentvarlet!

Corv.ThatIcouldshootmineeyesathimlikegun-stones!

EnterVOLPONE.

Volp.Butisthistrue,sir,oftheparasite?

Corb.Again,toafflictus!monster!

Volp.Ingoodfaith,sir,

I'mheartilygrieved,abeardofyourgravelengthShouldbesoover-reach'd.Ineverbrook'dThatparasite'shair;methoughthisnoseshouldcozen:Therestillwassomewhatinhislook,didpromiseThebaneofaclarissimo.

Corb.Knave—

Volp.Methinks

Yetyou,thataresotradedintheworld,

Awittymerchant,thefinebird,Corvino,

Thathavesuchmoralemblemsonyourname,

Shouldnothavesungyourshame,anddroptyourcheese,

TolettheFoxlaughatyouremptiness.

Corv.Sirrah,youthinktheprivilegeoftheplace,Andyourredsaucycap,thatseemstomeNail'dtoyourjolt-headwiththosetwochequines,Canwarrantyourabuses;comeyouhither:Youshallperceive,sir,Idarebeatyou;approach.

Volp.Nohaste,sir,Idoknowyourvalourwell,Sinceyoudurstpublishwhatyouare,sir.

Corv.Tarry,I'dspeakwithyou.

Volp.Sir,sir,anothertime—

Corv.Nay,now.

Volp.Olord,sir!Iwereawiseman,Wouldstandthefuryofadistractedcuckold.

[Asheisrunningoff,re-enterMosca.

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Corb.What,comeagain!

Volp.Upon'em,Mosca;saveme.

Corb.Theair'sinfectedwherehebreathes.

Corv.Let'sflyhim[ExeuntCorv.andCorb.

Volp.Excellentbasilisk!turnuponthevulture.

EnterVOLTORE.

Volt.Well,flesh-fly,itissummerwithyounow;Yourwinterwillcomeon.

Mos.Goodadvocate,

Pritheenotrail,northreatenoutofplacethus;Thou'ltmakeasolecism,asmadamsays.Getyouabigginmore,yourbrainbreaksloose.[Exit.

Volt.Well,sir.

Volp.Wouldyouhavemebeattheinsolentslave,Throwdirtuponhisfirstgoodclothes?

Volt.ThissameIsdoubtlesssomefamiliar.

Volp.Sir,thecourt,

Introth,staysforyou.Iammad,amuleThatneverreadJustinian,shouldgetup,Andrideanadvocate.HadyounoquirkToavoidgullage,sir,bysuchacreature?Ihopeyoudobutjest;hehasnotdoneit,'Tisbutconfederacy,toblindtherest.Youaretheheir.

Volt.Astrange,officious,Troublesomeknave!thoudosttormentme.

Volp.Iknow—Itcannotbe,sir,thatyoushouldbecozen'd;

'Tisnotwithinthewitofmantodoit;

Youaresowise,soprudent;and'tisfit

Thatwealthandwisdomstillshouldgotogether.[Exeunt.

SCENEVI.—TheScrutineoorSenate-House.

EnterAvocatori,Notario,BONARIO,CELIA,CORBACCIO,CORVLNO,Coinmandadori,Sam",etc.

1Avoc.Areallthepartieshere?Not.Allbuttheadvocate.

2Avoc.Andherehecomes.

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EnterVOLTOREandVOLPONE.

1Avoc.Thenbringthemforthtosentence.

Volt.0,mymosthonour'dfathers,letyourmercyOncewinuponyourjustice,toforgive—Iamdistracted—

Volp.Whatwillhedonow?[Aside.

Volt.O,

Iknownotwhichtoaddressmyselftofirst;Whetheryourfatherhoods,ortheseinnocents—

Corv.Willhebetrayhimself?[Aside.

Volt.WhomequallyIhaveabused,outofmostcovetousends—

Corv.Themanismad!

Corb.What'sthat?

Corv.Heispossest.

Volt.Forwhich,nowstruckinconscience,here,IprostrateMyselfatyouroffendedfeet,forpardon.

1,2Avoc.Arise.

Cel.0heaven,howjustthouart!

Volp.IamcaughtInmineownnoose—[Aside.

Corv.[toCorbaccio.]Beconstant,sir:noughtnowCanhelp,butimpudence.

1Avoc.Speakforward.

Com.Silence!

Volt.Itisnotpassioninme,reverendfathers,Butonlyconscience,conscience,mygoodsires,Thatmakesmenowtelltruth.Thatparasite,Thatknave,hathbeentheinstrumentofall.

1Avoc.Whereisthatknave?fetchhim.

Volp.Igo.[Exit.

Corv.Gravefathers,

Thisman'sdistricted;heconfestitnow:l-«r,hopingtobeoldVoJpone'sheir,\Vlionowisdead—

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3Ainc.How!

2Aooc.IsVulponedead?

Corv.Deadsince,gravefathers.Bon.0surevengeance!

1Avoc.Stay,

Thenhewasnodeceiver.

Volt.Ono,none:Theparasite,gravefathers.

Corv.Hedoesspeak

Outofmereenvy,'causetheservant'smadeThethinghegapedfor:pleaseyourfatherhoods,Thisisthetruth,thoughI'llnotjustifyTheother,buthemaybesome-dealfaulty.

Volt.Ay,toyourhopes,aswellasmine,Corvino:ButI'llusemodesty.Pleasethyourwisdoms,Toviewthesecertainnotes,andbutconferthem;AsIhopefavour,theyshallspeakcleartruth.

Corv.Thedevilhasenter'dhim!

Bon.Orbidesinyou.

4Avoc.Wehavedoneill,byapublicofficerTosendforhim,ifhebeheir.

2Avoc.Forwhom?

4Avoc.Himthattheycalltheparasite.

3Avoc.'Tistrue,

Heisamanofgreatestate,nowleft.

4Avoc.Goyou,andlearnhisname,andsay,thecourtEntreatshispresencehere,buttotheclearing

Ofsomefewdoubts.[ExitNotary.

2Avoc.Thissame'salabyrinth!

1Avoc.Standyouuntoyourfirstreport?

Corv.Mystate,Mylife,myfame—

Bon.Whereisit?

Corv.Areatthestake.

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1Avoc.Isyourssotoo?Corb.Theadvocate'saknave,

Andhasaforkedtongue—

2Avoc.Speaktothepoint.Corb.Soistheparasitetoo.1Avoc.Thisisconfusion.

Volt.Idobeseechyourfatherhoods,readbutthose—

[Givingthempapers.

Corv.Andcreditnothingthefalsespirithathwrit:Itcannotbe,buthe'spossest,gravefathers.[Thescenecloses.

SCENEVIL—AStreet.EnterVOLPONE.

Volp.Tomakeasnareformineownneck!andrunMvheadintoit,wilfully!withlaughter!WhenIhadnewly'scaped,wasfree,andclear,

Outofmerewantonness!O,thedulldevilVv'asinthisbrainofmine,whenIdevisedit,AndMoscagaveitsecond;hemustnowHelptosearupthisvein,orwebleeddead.—

EnterNANO,ANDROGYNO,andCASTRONE.

Plownow!wholetyouloose?whithergoyounow?What,tobuygingerbread,ortodrownkitlings?

Nan.Sir,masterMoscacall'dusoutofdoors,Andbidusallgoplay,andtookthekeys.

And.Yes.

Volp.DidmasterMoscatakethekeys?whyso!I'mfartherin.Thesearemyfineconceits!Imustbemerry,withamischieftome!WhatavilewretchwasI,thatcouldnotbearMyfortunesoberly?Imusthavemycrotchets,Andmyconundrums!Well,goyou,andseekhim:Hismeaningmaybetruerthanmyfear.Bidhim,hestraightcometometothecourt;ThitherwillI,and,iftbepossible,Unscrewmyadvocate,uponnewhopes:WhenIprovokedhim,thenIlostmyself.[Exeunt.

SCENEVIII.—TheScrutineo,orSenate-House.

Wocatori,BONARIO,CELTA,CORBACCIO,CORVINO,Comman-dadori,Saffi,etc.,asbefore.

1Avoc.Thesethingscanne'erbereconciled.He,here,

[Shewingthepapers.

Professeth,thatthegentlemanwaswrong'd,Andthatthegentlewomanwasbroughtthither,Forcedbyherhusband,andthereleft.

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Volt.Mosttrue.

Cel.Howreadyisheaventothosethatpray!

1Avoc.Butthat

Volponewouldhaveravish'dher,heholdsUtterlyfalse,knowinghisimpotence.

Corv.Gravefathers,he'spossest;again,Isay,Possest:nay,iftherebepossession,andObsession,hehasboth.

3Avoc.Herecomesourofficer.

EnterVOLPONE.

Volp.Theparasitewillstraightbehere,crr.ivcfathers.

4Avoc.Youmightinventsomeothername,sirvailct.

3Avoc.Didnotthenotarymeethim?Volp.NotthatIknow.

4Avoc.Hiscomingwillclearall.

2Avoc.Yet,itismisty.

Volt.May'tpleaseyourfatherhoods—

Volp.[whispersVolt.]Sir,theparasiteWill'dmetotellyou,thathismasterlives;Thatyouarestilltheman;yourhopesthesame;Andthiswasonlyajest—

Volt.How?

Volp.Sir,totryIfyouwerefirm,andhowyoustoodaffected.

Volt.Artsurehelives?

Volp.DoIlive,sir?

Volt.Ome!Iwastooviolent.

Volp.Sir,youmayredeemit.

Theysaid,youwerepossest;falldown,andseemso:I'llhelptomakeitgood.[Voltorefalls.]—Godblesstheman!—Stopyourwindhard,andswell—See,see,see,see!Hevomitscrookedpins!hiseyesareset,Likeadeadhare'shunginapoulter'sshop!Hismouth'srunningaway!Doyousee,signior?Nowitisinhisbelly.

Corv.Ay,thedevil!

Volp.Nowinhisthroat.

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Corv.Ay,Iperceiveitplain.

Volp.'Twillout,'twillout!standclear.Seewhereitflies,Inshapeofabluetoad,withabat'swings!Doyounotseeit,sir?

Corb.What?IthinkIdo.

Corv.'Tistoomanifest.

Volp.Look!hecomestohimself!

Volt.WhereamI?

Volp.Takegoodheart,theworstispast,sir.Youaredispossest.

1Avoc.Whataccidentisthis!

2Avoc.Sudden,andfullofwonder!

3Avoc.Ifhewere

Possest,asitappears,allthisisnothing.

Corv.Hehasbeenoftensubjecttothesefits.

1Avoc.Shewhimthatwriting:—doyouknowit,sir?Volp.[whispersVolt.]Denyit,sir,forswearit;knowitnot.Volt.Yes,Idoknowitwell,itismyhand;

Butallthatitcontainsisfalse.Bon.Opractice!

2Avoc.Whatmazeisthis!

1Avoc.Ishenotguiltythen,Whomyoutherenamethe"parasite?

Volt.Gravefathers,Nomorethanhisgoodpatron,oldVolpone.

4Avoc.Why,heisdead.

Volt.Ono,myhonour'dfathers,

lielives—

1Avoc.How!lives?Volt.Lives.

2Avoc.Thisissubtleryet!

3Avoc.Yousaidhewasdead.Volt.Never.

3Avoc.Yousaidso.Corv.Iheardso.

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4Avoc.Herecomesthegentleman;makehimway.

EnterMOSCA.

3Avoc.Astool.

4Avoc.Aproperman;and,wereVolponedead,

Afitmatchformydaughter.[Aside.

3Avoc.Givehimway.

Volp.Mosca,Iwasalmostlost;theadvocateHadbetrayedall;butnowitisrecovered;All'sonthehingeagainSay,Iamliving.[AsidetoMos.

Mos.Whatbusyknaveisthis!—Mostreverendfathers,Isoonerhadattendedyourgravepleasures,ButthatmyorderforthefuneralOfmydearpatron,didrequireme—

Volp.Mosca![Aside.

Mos.WhomIintendtoburylikeagentleman.

Volp.Ay,quick,andcozenmeofall.[Aside.

2Avoc.Stillstranger1Moreintricate!

1Avoc.Andcomeaboutagain!

4Avoc.Itisamatch,mydaughterisbestow'd.[Aside.Mos.Willyougivemehalf?[AsidetoVolp.Volp.First,I'llbehang'd.

Mos.IknowYourvoiceisgood,crynotsoloud.

1Avne.Demand

Theadvocate.—Sir,didyounotaffirmVolponewasalive?

Volp.Yes,andheis;Thisgentlemantoldmeso.—Thoushalthavehalf.—

[AsidetoMos.

Mos.Whosedrunkardisthissame?speak,somethatknowhim:Ineversawhisface.—IcannotnowAffordityousocheap.[AsidetoVolp.

Volp.No!

1Awe.Whatsayyou?

Volt.Theofficertoldme.

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Volp.Idid,gravefathers,

Andwillmaintainhelives,withminoownlife,Andthatthiscreature\i>«'nitstoAlosca.]toldme.—IwasbornWithallgoodstarsmyenemies.[Aside.

Mos.Mostgravefathers,IfsuchaninsolenceasthismustpassUponme,Iamsilent:'twasnotthisForwhichyousent,Ihope.

2Avoc.Takehimaway.Volp.Mosca!

3Avoc.Lethimbewhipt.Volp.Wiltthoubetrayme?

Cozenme?

3Avoc.AndtaughttobearhimselfTowardapersonofhisrank.

4Avoc.Away.[TheOfficersseizeVolpone.Mos.Ihumblythankyourfatherhoods.

Volp.Soft,soft:Whipt!AndloseallthatIhave!IfIconfess,Itcannotbemuchmore.[Aside.

4Avoc.Sir,areyoumarried?

Volp.They'llbealliedanon;Imustberesolute:TheFoxshallhereuncase.[Throwsoffhisdisguise.

Mos.Patron!

Volp.Nay,now

Myruinsshallnotcomealone:yourmatchI'llhindersure:mysubstanceshallnotglueyou,Norscrewyouintoafamily.

Mos.Why,patron!

Volp.IamVolpone,andthisismyknave;[PointingtoMosca.This,[toVolt.]hisownknave;this,[toCorb.]avarice'sfool;This,[toCorv.]achimeraofwittol,fool,andknave:And,reverendfathers,sinceweallcanhopeNoughtbutasentence,let'snotnowdespairit.Youhearmebrief.

Corv.Mayitpleaseyourfatherhoods—

Com.Silence.

1Avoc.Theknotisnowundonebymiracle.

2Avoc.Nothingcanbemoreclear.

3Avoc.OrcanmoreproveTheseinnocent.

1Avoc.Givethemtheirliberty.

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Bon.Heavencouldnotlongletsuchgrosscrimesbehid.

2Avoc.Ifthisbeheldthehigh-waytogetriches,MayIbepoor!

3Avoc.Thisisnotthegain,buttorment.

1Avoc.Thesepossesswealth,assickmenpossessfevers,Whichtruliermaybesaidtopossessthem.

2Avoc.Disrobethatparasite.

Corv.Mos.Mosthonour'dfathers!—

1Avoc.Canyoupleadaughttostaythecourseofjustice?Ifyoucan,speak.

Corv.Volt.Webegfavour.

Cd.Andmercy.

1Avoc.Youhurtyourinnocence,suingfortheguilty.Standforth;andfirsttheparasite:YouappearT'havebeenthechiefestminister,ifnotplotter,Inalltheselewdimpostures;andnow,lastly,Havewithyourimpudenceabusedthecourt,AndhabitofagentlemanofVenice,Beingafellowofnobirthorblood:Forwhichoursentenceis,first,thoubewhipt;Thenliveperpetualprisonerinourgallies.

Volp.Ithankyouforhim.

Mos.Banetothywolvishnature!

1Avoc.Deliverhimtothesaffi.[Moscaiscarriedout.]—

Thou,Volpone,

Bybloodandrankagentleman,canstnotfallUnderlikecensure;butourjudgmentontheeIs,thatthysubstanceallbestraightconfiscateTothehospitaloftheIncurabili:And,sincethemostwasgottenbyimposture,Byfeigninglame,gout,palsy,andsuchdiseases,Thouarttolieinprison,cramp'dwithirons,Tillthoube'stsickandlameindeed.—Removehim.

[HeistakenfromtheBar.

Volp.Thisiscall'dmortifyingofaFox.

1Avoc.Thou,Voltore,totakeawaythescandalThouhastgivenallworthymenofthyprofession,Artbanish'dfromtheirfellowship,andourstate.Corbaccio!—bringhimnear—WeherepossessThysonofallthystate,andconfinetheeTothemonasteryofSanSpirito;Where,sincethouknewestnothowtolivewellhere,Thoushaltbelearn'dtodiewell.

Corb.Ah!whatsaidhe?

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Com.Youshallknowanon,sir.

1Avoc.Thou,Corvino,shalt

Bestraightembark'dfromthineownhouse,androw'dRoundaboutVenice,throughthegrandcanale,Wearingacap,withfairlongass'sears,Insteadofhorns;andsotomount,apaperPinn'donthybreast,totheBerlina—

Corv.Yes,

Andhavemineeyesbeatoutwrithstinkingfish,Bruisedfruit,androtteneggs—'Tiswell.IamgladIshallnotseemyshameyet.

1Avoc.Andtoexpiate

Thywrongsdonetothywife,thouarttosendherHometoherfather,withherdowrytrebled:Andtheseareallyourjudgments.

All.Honour'dfathers.—

1Avne.Whichmaynotberevoked.Nowyoubegin,Whencrimesaredone,andpast,andtobepunish'd,Tothinkwhatyourcrimesare:awaywiththem.Letallthatseethesevicesthusrewarded,Takeheartandlovetostudy'em!MischiefsfeedLikebeasts,tilltheybefat,andthentheybleed.[Exeunt.

VOLPONEcornerforward.

Theseasoningofaplay,istheapplause.

Now,thoughtheFoxbepunish'dbythelaws,

Heyetdothhope,thereisnosufferingdue,

Foranyfactwhichhehathdone'gainstyou;

Iftherebe,censurehim;herehedoubtfulstands:

Ifnot,farejovially,anddapyourhands.[Exit.

EPICCENE;OR,THESILENTWOMAN

TOTHETRULYNOBLEBYALLTITLES

SIRFRANCISSTUART

SIR,—Myhopeisnotsonourishedbyexample,asitwillconclude,thisdumbpieceshouldpleaseyou,becauseithathpleasedothersbefore;butbytrust.thatwhenyouhavereadit,youwillfinditworthytohavedispleasednone.ThismakesthatInownumberyou,notonlyinthenameso1favour,butthenamesofjusticetowhatIwrite;anddopresentlycallyouto

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theexerciseofthatnoblest,andmanliestvirtue;ascovetingrathertobefreedinmyfame,bytheauthorityofajudge,thanthecreditofanundertaker.Read,therefore,Iprayyou,andcensure.Thereisnotaline,orsyllableinit,changedfromthesimplicityofthefirstcopy.And,whenyoushallconsider,throughthecertainhatredo1some,howmuchaman'sinnocencymaybeendangeredbyanuncertainaccusation;youwill,Idoubtnot,sobegintohatetheiniquityofsuchnatures,asIshalllovethecontumelydoneme,whoseendwassohonourableastobewipedoffbyyoursentence.Yourunprofitable,buttrueLover.

BENJONSON.

DRAMATISPERSOX.-E

MOROSE,aGentlemanthatlovesno

noise.SIRDAUPHINEEUGENIE,aKnight,

hisNephew.NEDCLERIMONT,aGentleman,his

Friend.

TRUEWIT,anotherFriend.SIRJOHNDAW,aKnight.SIRAMOROUSLA-FOOLE,aKnight

also.THOMASOTTER,aLandandSea

Captain.

CUTBEARD,aBarber.MUTE,oneofMOROSE'SSen-mils.Parn.

PagetoCLERIMONT.

EPICCENE,supposedtheSilent

Woman.

LADYHAUGHTY,\LADYCENTAURE,[LadiesCollc-MISTRESSDOL.giatcs.

MAVIS,MISTRESSOTTER,

Captain'sWife,MISTI.-IssTRUSTY,

I!.11\n,IITY'S

Woman,

SiTV;illt>,

S<INK,LONPoN

PROLOGUE.

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Truthsays,ofoldtheartofmakingplaysWastocontentthepeople;andtheirpraiseWastothepoetmoney,wine,andbays.

Butinthisage,asectofwritersare,That,only,forparticularlikingscare,Andwilltastenothingthatispopular.

Withsuchwemingleneitherbrainsnorbreasts;Ourwishes,liketothosemakepublicfeasts,Arenottopleasethecook'stastebuttheguests'.

Yet,ifthosecunningpalateshithercome,Theyshallfindguests'entreaty,andgoodroom;Andthoughallrelishnot,suretherewillbesome,

That,whentheyleavetheirseats,shallmakethemsay,Whowrotethatpiece,couldsohavewroteaplay,Butthatheknewthiswasthebetterway.

For,topresentallcustard,oralltart,

Andhavenoothermeatstobearapart,

Ortowantbread,andsalt,werebutcoarseart.

Thepoetpraysyouthen,withbetterthoughtTosit;and,whenhiscafesareallinbrought,Thoughtherebenonefar-fet,therewilldear-bought,

Befitforladies:someforlords,knights,'squires;Someforyourwaiting-wench,andcity-wires;Someforyourmen,anddaughtersofWhitefriars.

Norisit,only,whileyoukeepyourseatHere,thathisfeastwilllast;butyoushalleatAweekatordinaries,onhisbrokenmeat:

Ifhismusebetrue,

Whocommendshertoyou.

ANOTHER,

Theendsofall,whoforthescenedowrite.Are,orshouldbe,toprofitanddelight.AndstilVthathbeenthepraiseofallbesttimes,80personswerenottouctid,totaxthecrimes.Then,inthisplay,whichwepresentto-night,Andmaketheobjectofyourearandsight,Onforfeitofyourselves,thinknothingtrue:

soyoumakethemakertojudgeyou.Forheknows,poetnevercreditgaindBywritingtrnth-s,butthings,liketruths,wellfeign'd.Ifanyyetwill,withparticularsleightOfapplication,wrestwJiathedothwrite;Andthathemeant,orhim,orher,willsay:Theymakealibel,whichhemadeaplay.

ACTI

SCENEI.—ARoominCLERIMOXT'SHouse.EnterCLERIMONT,makinghimselfready,

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followedbyhisPage.

Cler.Haveyougotthesongyetperfect,Igaveyou,boy?

Page.Yes,sir.

Cler.Letmehearit.

Page.Youshall,sir;buti'faithletnobodyelse.

Cler.Why,Ipray?

Page.Itwillgetyouthedangerousnameofapoetintown,sir;besidesmeaperfectdealofill-willatthemansionyouwotof,whoseladyistheargumentofit;wherenowIamthewelcomestthingunderamanthatcomesthere.

Cler.Ithink;andaboveamantoo,ifthetruthwererack'doutofyou.

Page.No,faith,I'llconfessbefore,sir.Thegentlewomenplaywithme,andthrowmeonthebed,andcarrymeintomylady:andshekissesmewithheroil'dface,andputsaperukeonmyhead;andasksmeanIwillwearhergown?andIsayno:andthenshehitsmeablowo'theear,andcallsmeInnocent!andletsmego.

Cler.Nomarvelifthedoorbekeptshutagainstyourmaster,

whentheentranceissoeasytoyouwell,sir,youshallgothere

nomore,lestIbefaintoseekyourvoiceinmylady'srushes,afortnighthence.Sing,sir.[Pagesings.

Stilltobeneat,stilltobedrest—

EnterTRUEWIT.

True.Why,here'sthemanthatcanmeltawayhistimeandneverfeelsit!Whatbetweenhismistressabroadandhisin:_rleathome,highfare,softlodging,fineclothes,andhisfiddle;hethinksthehourshavenowings,orthedaynopost-horse.Well,sirgallant,wereyoustruckwiththe]>l;i'_ruethisminute,ore<>n-demn'dtoanycapitalpunishmenttn-morrmv,youwould1><thentothink,andvalueeveryarticleofyourtime,esteemitatthetruerate,andgiveallforit.

Cler.Whywhatshouldamand<>?

True.Why,nothing;orthatwhich,when'tisdone,isasidle.

Hearkenafterthenexthorse-race,orhunting-match,laywagers,praisePuppy,orPeppercorn,White-foot,Franklin;swearuponWhitemane'sparty;speakaloud,thatmylordsmayhearyou;visitmyladiesatnight,andbeabletogivethemthecharacterofeverybowlerorbetteronthegreen.Thesebethethingswhereinyourfashionablemenexercise

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themselves,andIforcompany.

Cler.Nay,ifIhavethyauthority,I'llnotleaveyet.Come,theotherareconsiderations,whenwecometohavegrayheadsandweakhams,moisteyesandshrunkmembers.We'llthinkon'emthen;andwe'llprayandfast.

True.Ay,anddestineonlythattimeofagetogoodness,whichourwantofabilitywillnotletusemployinevil!

Cler.Why,then'tistimeenough.

True.Yes;asifamanshouldsleepalltheterm,andthinktoeffecthisbusinessthelastday.O,Clerimont,thistime,becauseitisanincorporealthing,andnotsubjecttosense,wemockourselvesthefineliestoutofit,withvanityandmiseryindeed!notseekinganendofwretchedness,butonlychangingthematterstill.

Cler.Nay,thou'ltnotleavenow—

True.Seebutourcommondisease!withwhatjusticecanwecomplain,thatgreatmenwillnotlookuponus,norbeatleisuretogiveouraffairssuchdispatchasweexpect,whenwewillneverdoittoourselves?norhear,norregardourselves?

Cler.Foh!thouhastreadPlutarch'smorals,now,orsomesuchtediousfellow;anditshewssovilelywiththee!'foreGod,'twillspoilthywitutterly.Talktomeofpins,andfeathers,andladies,andrushes,andsuchthings:andleavethisStoicityalone,tillthoumak'stsermons.

True.Well,sir;ifitwillnottake,Ihavelearn'dtoloseaslittleofmykindnessasIcan;I'lldogoodtonomanagainsthiswill,certainly.Whenwereyouatthecollege?

Cler."Whatcollege?

True.Asifyouknewnot!

Cler.No,faith,Icamebutfromcourtyesterday.

True.Why,isitnotarrivedthereyet,thenews?Anewfoundation,sir,hereinthetown,ofladies,thatcallthemselvesthecol-legiates,anorderbetweencourtiersandcountry-madams,thatlivefromtheirhusbands;andgiveentertainmenttoallthewits,andbraveriesofthetime,astheycallthem:crydown,orup,whattheylikeordislikeinabrainorafashion,withmostmasculine,orratherhermaphroditicalauthority;andeverydaygaintotheircollegesomenewprobationer.

Cler,Whoisthepresident?

True.Thegraveandyouthfulmatron,theladyHaughty.

Cler.Apoxofherautumnalface,herpiecedbeauty!there'snomancanbeadmittedtillshebeready,now-a-days,tillshehaspainted,andperfumed,andwash'd,andscour'd,buttheboy,here;andhimshewipesheroil'dlipsupon,likeasponge.Ihavemadeasong(Ipray

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theehearit)onthesubject.[Pagesings.

Stilltobeneat,stilltobedrest,

Asyouweregoingtoafeast;

Stilltobepowder'd,stillperfum'd;

Lady,itistobepresumed,

Thoughart'shidcausesarenotfound,

Allisnotsweet,allisnotsound.

Givemealook,givemeaface,

Thatmakessimplicityagrace;

Robeslooselyflowing,hairasfree:

Suchsweetneglectmoretakethme,

Thanalltheadulteriesofart;

Theystrikemineeyes,butnotmyheart.

True.AndIamclearlyontheotherside:Iloveagooddressingbeforeanybeautyo'theworld.0,awomanisthenlikeadelicategarden;noristhereonekindofit;shemayvaryeveryhour;takeoftencounselofherglass,andchoosethebest.Ifshehavegoodears,shewthem;goodhair,layitout;goodlegs,wearshortclothes;agoodhand,discoveritoften:practiseanyarttomendbreath,cleanseteeth,repaireye-brows;paint,andprofessit.

Cler.How!publicly?

True.Thedoingofit,notthemanner:thatmustbeprivate.Manythingsthatseemfoulinthedoing,dopleasedone.Aladyshould,indeed,studyherface,whenwethinkshesleeps;nor,whenthedoorsareshut,shouldmenbeenquiring;allissacredwithin,then.Isitforustoseetheirperukesputon,theirfalseteeth,theircomplexion,theireye-brows,theirnails?Youseegilderswillnotwork,butinclosed.Theymustnotdiscoverhowlittleserves,withthehelpofart,toadornagreatdeal.HowlongdidthecanvashangaforeAldgate?Werethepeoplesufferedtoseethecity'sLoveandCharity,whiletheywererudestone,beforetheywerepaintedandburnish'd?No;nomoreshouldservantsapproachtheirmistresses,butwhentheyarecompleteandfinish'd.

Cler.Wellsaid,myTruewit.

True.Andawiseladywillkeepaguardalwaysupontheplace,thatshemaydothingssecurely.Ioncefollowedarudefellowintoachamber,wherethepoormadam,forhaste,andtroubled,snatch'datherperuketocoverherbaldness;andputitonthe

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wrongway.

Cler.0prodigy!

True.Andtheunconscionableknaveheldherincomplimentnnhourwiththatreverstface,whenIstilllook'dwhensheshouldtalkfromthet'otherside.

Cler.Why,thoushouldsthaverelievedher.

True.No,faith,Iletheralonr-.aswe'llletthisarcniment,ifyouplease,andpasstoanother.WhensawyouDauj'hineKu<ifni"'.'

Cler.Notthesethreedays.Shallwegotohimthismorning?hoisverymelancholy,Ihear.

True.Sick'oftheuncle,ishe?Imetthatstiffpieceofformality,hisuncle,yesterday,withahugeturbanofnight-capsonhishead,buckledoverhisears.

Cler.0,that'shiscustomwhenhewalksabroad.Hecanendurenonoise,man.

True.SoIhaveheard.Butisthediseasesoridiculousinhimasitismade?Theysayhehasbeenupondiverstreatieswiththefish-wivesandorange-women;andarticlespropoundedbetweenthem:marry,thechimney-sweeperswillnotbedrawnin.

Cler.No,northebroom-men:theystandoutstiffly.Hecannotendureacostard-monger,heswoonsifhehearone.

True.Methinksasmithshouldbeominous.

Cler.Oranyhammer-man.Abrasierisnotsuffer'dtodwellintheparish,noranarmourer.Hewouldhavehang'dapewterer'sprenticeonceuponaShrove-tuesday'sriot,forbeingofthattrade,whentherestwerequit.

True.Atrumpetshouldfrighthimterribly,orthehautboys.

Cler.Outofhissenses.Thewaightsofthecityhaveapensionofhimnottocomenearthatward.Thisyouthpractisedonhimonenightlikethebell-man;andneverlefttillhehadbroughthimdowntothedoorwithalongsword;andtherelefthimnourishingwiththeair.

Page.Why,sir,hehathchosenastreettolieinsonarrowatbothends,thatitwillreceivenocoaches,norcarts,noranyofthesecommonnoises:andthereforewethatlovehim,devisetobringhiminsuchaswemay,nowandthen,forhisexercise,tobreathehim.Hewouldgrowrestyelseinhisease:hisvirtuewouldrustwithoutaction.Ientreatedabearward,oneday,tocomedownwiththedogsofsomefourparishesthatway,andIthankhimhedid;andcriedhisgamesundermasterMorose'swindow:tillhewassentcryingaway,withhisheadmadeamostbleedingspectacletothemultitude.And,anothertime,afencermarchingtohisprize,hadhisdrummosttragicallyrunthrough,fortakingthatstreetinhiswayatmyrequest.

True.Agoodwag!Howdoesheforthebells?

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Cler.0,intheQueen'stime,hewaswonttogooutoftowneverySaturdayatteno'clock,oronholydayeves.Butnow,byreasonofthesickness,theperpetuityofringinghasmadehimdevisearoom,withdoublewallsandtrebleceilings;thewindowscloseshutandcaulk'd:andtherehelivesbycandle-light.Heturn'dawayaman,lastweek,forhavingapairofnewshoesthatcreak'd.Andthisfellowwaitsonhimnowintennis-courtsocks,orslipperssoledwithwool:andtheytalkeachtootherinatrunk.See,whocomeshere!

EnterSirDATJPHINEEUGENIE.

Daup.HownowIwhatailyou,sirs?dumb?True.Struckintostone,almost,Iamhere,withtaleso'thinenncle.Therewasneversuchaprodigyheardof.

Daup.Iwouldyouwouldoncelosethissubject,mymasters,formysake.Theyaresuchasyouare,thathavebroughtmeintothatpredicamentIamwithhim.

True.Howisthat?

Daiip.Marry,thathewilldisinheritme;nomore.Hethinks,IandmycompanyareauthorsofalltheridiculousActsandMonumentsaretoldofhim.

True.'Slid,Iwouldbetheauthorofmoretovexhim;thatpurposedeservesit:itgivestheelawofplaguinghim.I'lltelltheewhatIwoulddo.Iwouldmakeafalsealmanack,getitprinted;andthenhavehimdrawnoutonacoronationdaytotheTower-wharf,andkillhimwiththenoiseoftheordnance.Disinheritthee!hecannot,man.Artnotthounextofblood,andhissister'sson?

Daup.Ay,buthewillthrustmeoutofit,hevows,andmarry.

True.How!that'samoreportent.Canheendurenonoise,andwillventureonawife?

Cler.Yes:whythouartastranger,itseems,tohisbesttrick,yet.HehasemployedafellowthishalfyearalloverEnglandtohearkenhimoutadumbwoman;besheofanyform,oranyquality,soshebeabletobearchildren:hersilenceisdowryenough,hesays.

True.ButItrusttoGodhehasfoundnone.

Cler.No;buthehasheardofonethat'slodgedinthenextstreettohim,whoisexceedinglysoft-spoken;thriftyofherspeech;thatspendsbutsixwordsaday.Andherhe'saboutnow,andshallhaveher.

True.Is'tpossible!whoishisagentinthebusiness?

Cler.Marry,abarber,oneCutbeard;anhonestfellow,onethattellsDauphineallhere.

True.Whyyouoppressmewithwonder:awoman,andabarber,andlovenonoise!

Cler.Yes,faith.Thefellowtrimshimsilently,andhasnottheknackwithhissheersorhisfingers:andthatcontinenceinabarberhethinkssoeminentavirtue,asithasmadehimchiefofhiscounsel.

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True.Isthebarbertobeseen,orthewench?

Cler.Yes,thattheyare.

True.Iprithee,Dauphine,let'sgothither.

Daup.Ihavesomebusinessnow:Icannot,i'faith.

True.Youshallhavenobusinessshallmakeyouneglectthis,sir:we'llmakehertalk,believeit;or,ifshewillnot,wecangiveoutatleastsomuchasshallinterruptthetreaty;wewillbreakit.Thouartboundinconscience,whenhesuspectstheewithoutcause,totormenthim.

Daup.NotI,byanymeans.I'llgivenosuffrageto't.Heshallneverhavethatpleaagainstme,thatIopposedtheleastphant'syofhis.Letitlie,uponmystarstobeguilty,I'llbeinnocent.

True.Yes,andbepoor,andbeir;<!<>,innocent:whensomegroomofhi.-h;isjzothimanheir,orthisl.;irl>cr,ifhehimselfcannot'

Innocent!—Iprithee,Ned,whereliesshe?lethimbeinnocent

V/er.Why.rightoveragainstthebarber's;inthehousewheresirJohnDawlies.

True.YoudonotmeantoconfoundmeI

Cler.Why?

True.Doeshethatwouldmarryherknowsomuch7

Cler.Icannottell.

True.'Twereenoughofimputationtoherwithhim.

Cler.Why?

TrueTheonlytalkingsirinthetown!JackDaw!andneteachhernottospeak!—Godbewi'you.Ihavesomebusinesstoo.

Cler.Willyounotgothither,then?

True.NotwiththedangertomeetDaw,formineears.

Cler.'Why,Ithoughtyoutwohadbeenuponverygoodterms.

True.Yes,ofkeepingdistance.

Cler.Theysay,heisaverygoodscholar.

TrueAy,andhesaysitfirst.Apoxonhim,afellowthatpretendsonlytolearning,buystitles,andnothingelseofbooks

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inhim!

Cler.Theworldreportshimtobeverylearned.

TrueIamsorrytheworldshouldsoconspiretobeliehim.

ClerGoodfaith,Ihaveheardverygoodthingscomefromhim.

TrueYoumay;there'snonesodesperatelyignoranttodenythat:wouldtheywerehisown!Godbewi'you,gentlemen.

[Exithastily.

Cler.Thisisveryabrupt!

Daup.Come,youareastrangeopenman,totelleverythingthus.Cler.Why,believeit,Dauphine,Truewit'saveryhonestfellow.Daup.Ithinknoother:butthisfranknatureofhisisnotfor

secrets.

Cler.Nay,then,youaremistaken,Dauphine:Iknowwherehehasbeenwelltrusted,anddischargedthetrustverytruly,and

heartily.

Daup.Icontendnot,Ned;butwiththefewerabusinessiscarried,itiseverthesafer.Nowwearealone,ifyou'llgothither,Iamforyou.

Cler.Whenwereyouthere?

Daup.Lastnight:andsuchaDecameronofsportfallenout!Boccaceneverthoughtofthelike.Dawdoesnothingbutcourther;andthewrongway.Hewouldliewithher,andpraiseshermodesty;desiresthatshewouldtalkandbefree,andcommendshersilenceinverses;whichhereads,andswearsarethebestthatevermanmade.Thenrailsathisfortunes,stamps,andmutines,whyheisnotmadeacounsellor,andcall'dtoaffairsofstate.

Cler.Ipritheelet'sgo.Iwouldfainpartakethis.—Somewater,boy.[ExitPage.

Daup.Weareinvitedtodinnertogether,heandI,byonethatcamethithertohim,sirLa-Foole.

Clcr.0,that'sapreciousmannikinl

Daup.Doyouknowhim?

Cler.Ay,andhewillknowyoutoo,ife'erhepawyoubutonce,thoughyoushouldmeethimatchurchinthemidstofprayers.Heisoneofthebraveries,thoughhebenoneofthewits.Hewillsaluteajudgeuponthebench,andabishopinthepulpit,alawyerwhenheis

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pleadingatthebar,andaladywhensheisdancinginamasque,andputherout.Hedoesgiveplays,andsuppers,andinviteshisgueststothem,aloud,outofhiswindow,astheyridebyincoaches.HehasalodgingintheStrandforthepurpose:ortowatchwhenladiesaregonetothechina-houses,ortheExchange,thathemaymeetthembychance,andgivethempresents,sometwoorthreehundredpounds'worthoftoys,tobelaugh'dat.Heisneverwithoutasparebanquet,orsweet-meatsinhischamber,fortheirwomentoalightat,andcomeuptoforabait.

Daup.Excellent!hewasatineyouthlastnight;butnowheismuchfiner!whatishisChristianname?Ihaveforgot.

Ee-enlerPage.

Clcr.SirAmorousLa-Foole.

Page.Thegentlemanisherebelowthatownsthatname.

Cler.'Heart,he'scometoinvitemetodinner,Iholdmylife.

Daup.Likeenough:prithee,let'shavehimup.

Cler.Boy,marshalhim.

Paqe.Withatruncheon,sir?

Cler.Away,Ibeseechyou.[ExitPage.}—I'llmakehimtellushispedigreenow;andwhatmeathehastodinner;andwhoarehisguests;andthewholecourseofhisfortunes;withabreath.

EnterSirAMOROUSLA-FOOLE.

La-F.'Save,dearsirDauphine!honouredmasterClerimont!

Cler.SirAmorous!youhaveverymuchhonestedmylodgingwithyourpresence.

La-F.Goodfaith,itisafinelodging:almostasdelicatealodgingasmine.

Cler.Notso,sir.

La-F.Excuseme,sir,ifitwereintheStrand,Iassureyou.Iamcome,masterClerimont,toentreatyoutowaitupontwoorthreeladies,todinner,to-day.

Cler.How,sir!waituponthem?didyoueverseemecarrydishes?

La-F.No,sir,dispensewithme;Imeant,tobearthemcompany.

Cler.0,thatIwill,sir:thedoubtfulnessofyourphrase,believoit,sir,wouldbreedyouaquarrelonceanhour,withtheterrible

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ys,ifyoushouldbutkeepthemfellowshipaday.

La-F.Itshouldbeextremelyagainstmywill,sir,ifIcontestedwithanyman.

Cler.Ibelieveit,sir:Whereoldyouyourfeast?

La-F.AtTomOtter's,sir.

Daup.TomOtter!what'she?

La-F.CaptainOtter,sir;heisakindofgamester,buthehashadcommandbothbyseaandbyland.

Daup.0,thenheisanimalamphibium?

La-F.Ay,sir:hiswifewastherichchina-woman,thatthecourtiersvisitedsooften;thatgavetherareentertainment.Shecommandsallathome.

Cler.ThensheiscaptainOtter.

La-F.Yousayverywell,sir;sheismykinswoman,aLa-Foolebythemother-side,andwillinviteanygreatladiesformysake.

Daup.NotoftheLa-FoolesofEssex?

La-F.No,sir,theLa-FoolesofLondon.

Cler.Now,he'sin.[Aside.

La-F.Theyallcomeoutofourhouse,theLa-Foolesofthenorth,theLa-Foolesofthewest,theLa-Foolesoftheeastandsouth—weareasancientafamilyasanyisinEurope—butImyselfamdescendedlineallyoftheFrenchLa-Fooles—and,wedobearforourcoatyellow,oror,checker'dazure,andgules,andsomethreeorfourcoloursmore,whichisaverynotedcoat,andhas,sometimes,beensolemnlywornbydiversnobilityofourhouse—butletthatgo,antiquityisnotrespectednow.—Ihadabraceoffatdoessentme,gentlemen,andhalfadozenofpheasants,adozenortwoofgodwits,andsomeotherfowl,whichIwouldhaveeaten,whiletheyaregood,andingoodcompany:—therewillbeagreatladyortwo,myladyHaughty,myladyCentaure,mistressDolMavis—andtheycomeo'purposetoseethesilentgentlewoman,mistressEpiccene,thathonestsirJohnDawhaspromisedtobringthither—andthen,mistressTrusty,mylady'swoman,willbetheretoo,andthishonourableknight,sirDauphine,withyourself,masterClerimont—andwe'llbeverymerry,andhavefidlers,anddance.—Ihavebeenamadwaginmytime,andhavespentsomecrownssinceIwasapageincourt,tomylordLofty,andafter,mylady'sgentleman-usher,whogotmeknightedinIreland,sinceitpleasedmyelderbrothertodie.—Ihadasfairagoldjerkinonthatday,asanywornintheislandvoyage,oratCadiz,nonedispraised;andIcameoverinithither,shew'dmyselftomyfriendsincourt,andafterwentdowntomytenantsinthecountry,andsurveyedmylands,letnewleases,tooktheirmoney,spentitintheeyeo'thelandhere,uponladies:—andnowIcantakeupatmypleasure.

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Daup.Canyoutakeupladies,sir?

Cler.0,lethimbreathe,hehasnotrecover'd.

Daup.WouldIwereyourhalfinthatcommodity!

La-F.No,sir,excuseme:Imeantmoney,whichcantakeupanything.Ihaveanotherguestortwo,toinvite,andsayasmuchto,gentlemen.I'lltakemyleaveabruptly,inhopeyouwillnotfailYourservant.[Exit.

Daup.Wewillnotfailyou,sirpreciousLa-Foole;butsheshall,thatyourladiescometosee,ifIhavecreditaforesirDaw.

Cler.Didyoueverhearsuchawind-sucker,asthis?Daup.Orsucharookastheother,thatwillbetrayhismistresstobeseen!Come,'tistimewepreventedit.

Cler.Go.[Exeunt.

ACTII

SCENEI.—ARoominMOROSE'SHouse.EnterMOROSE,withatubeinhishand,followedbyMUTE.

Mor.CannotI,yet,findoutamorecompendiousmethod,thanbythistrunk,tosavemyservantsthelabourofspeech,andmineearsthediscordsofsounds?Letmesee:alldiscoursesbutmyownafflictme;theyseemharsh,impertinent,andirksome.Isitnotpossible,thatthoushouldstanswermebysigns,andIapprehendthee,fellow?Speaknot,thoughIquestionyou.Youhavetakentheringofffromthestreetdoor,asIbadeyou?answermenotbyspeech,butbysilence;unlessitbeotherwise[Mutemakesaleg.]—verygood.Andyouhavefastenedonathickquilt,orflock-bed,ontheoutsideofthedoor;thatiftheyknockwiththeirdaggers,orwithbrick-bats,theycanmakenonoise?—Butwithyourleg,youranswer,unlessitbeotherwise,[makesaleg.]—Verygood.Thisisnotonlyfitmodestyinaservant,butgoodstateanddiscretioninamaster.AndyouhavebeenwithCutbeardthebarber,tohavehimcometome?[makesaleg.]—Good.And,hewillcomepresently?Answermenotbutwithyourleg,unlessitbeotherwise;ifitbeotherwise,shakeyourhead,orshrug,[makesaleg.]—So!YourItalianandSpaniardarewiseinthese:anditisafrugalandcomelygravity.HowlongwillitbeereCutbeardcome?Stay;ifanhour,holdupyourwholehand,ifhalfanhour,twofingers;ifaquarter,one;[holdsupafingerbent.]—Good:halfaquarter?'tiswell.Andhaveyougivenhimakey,tocomeinwithoutknocking?[makesaleg.]—good.Andisthelockoil'd,andthehinges,to-day?[makesaleg.]—good.Andthequiltingofthestairsnowherewornoutandbare?[makesaleg.]—Verygood.Isee,bymuchdoctrine,andimpulsion,itmaybeeffected;standliy.TheTurk,inthisdivinediscipline,isadmirable,exceedingallthepotentatesoftheearth;stillwaitedonbymutes;andallniscommandssoexecuted;yea,eveninthewar,asIhaveheard,andinhismarches,mostofhischargesanddirectionsgivenbysiiMis,andwithsilence:anexquisiteart!andIamheartilyashamed,andangryoftentimes,thattheprinrosofChristendomshouldsufferabarbariantotranscendtheminsohiirhapointoffelicity.Iwillpractiseithereafter.[Ahornwindedwithin.]—Hownow?oh!oh!whatvillain,whatprodigyofmankindisthat?look.

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[ExitMut>\]—[Hornagain.]—Oh!cuthisthroat,cuthisthroat!whatmurderer,hell-hound,devilcanthisbe?

Re-enterMUTE.

Mute.Itisapostfromthecourt—Mor.Out,rogue!andmustthoublowthyhorntoo?Mute.Alas,itisapostfromthecourt,sir,thatsays,hemustspeakwithyou,painofdeath—Mor.Painofthylife,besilent!

EnterTRUEWITwithapost-horn,andahalterinhishand.

True.Byyourleave,sir;—Iamastrangerhere:—IsyournamemasterMorose?isyournamemasterMorose?Fishes!Pythagoreansall!Thisisstrange.Whatsayyou,sir?nothing!HasHarpocratesbeenherewithhisclub,amongyou?Well,sir,Iwillbelieveyoutobethemanatthistime:Iwillventureuponyou,sir.Yourfriendsatcourtcommendthemtoyou,sir—

Mor.0men10manners!wasthereeversuchanimpudence?

True.Andareextremelysolicitousforyou,sir.

Mor.Whoseknaveareyou?

True.Mineownknave,andyourcompeer,sir.

Mor.Fetchmemysword—

True.Youshalltastetheonehalfofmydagger,ifyoudo,groom;andyoutheother,ifyoustir,sir:Bepatient,Ichargeyou,intheking'sname,andhearmewithoutinsurrection.Theysay,youaretomarry;tomarry!doyoumark,sir?

Mor.Howthen,rudecompanion!

True.Marry,yourfriendsdowonder,sir,theThamesbeingsonear,whereinyoumaydrown,sohandsomely;orLondon-bridge,atalowfall,withafineleap,tohurryyoudownthestream;or,suchadelicatesteepleinthetown,asBow,tovaultfrom;or,abraverheight,asPaul's:Or,ifyouaffectedtodoitnearerhome,andashorterway,anexcellentgarret-windowintothestreet;or,abeaminthesaidgarret,withthishalter[shewshimthehalter.]—whichtheyhavesent,anddesire,thatyouwouldsoonercommityourgraveheadtothisknot,thantothewedlocknoose;or,takealittlesublimate,andgooutoftheworldlikearat;orafly,asonesaid,withastrawinyourarse:anyway,ratherthanfollowthisgoblinMatrimony.Alas,sir,doyoueverthinktofindachastewifeinthesetimes?now?whentherearesomanymasques,plays,Puritanpreachings,madfolks,andotherstrangesightstobeseendaily,privateandpublic?IfyouhadlivedinkingEthel-dred'stime,sir,orEdwardtheConfessor,youmight,perhaps,havefoundoneinsomecoldcountryhamlet,then,adullfrostywench,wouldhavebeencontentedwithoneman:now,theywillassoonbepleasedwithoneleg,oroneeye.I'lltellyou,sir,themonstroushazardsyoushallrunwithawife.

Mor.Goodsir,haveIevercozen'danyfriendsofyoursoftheirland?boughttheirpossessions?takenforfeitoftheirmortgage?begg'dareversionfromthem?bastardedtheir

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issue?WhathaveIdone,thatmaydeservethis?

True.Nothing,sir,thatIknow,butyouritchofmarriage.

JJ/or.Why,ifIhadmadeanassassinateuponyourfather,vitiatedyourmother,ravishedyoursisters—

True.Iwouldkillyou,sir,Iwouldkillyou,ifyouhad.

Mor.Why,youdomoreinthis,sir:itwereavengeancecentuple,forallfacinorousactsthatcouldbenamed,todothatyoudo.

True.Alas,sir,Iambutamessenger:Ibuttellyou,whatyoumusthear.Itseemsyourfriendsarecarefulafteryoursoul'shealth,sir,andwouldhaveyouknowthedanger:(butyoumaydoyourpleasureforallthem,Ipersuadenot,sir.)If,afteryouaremarried,yourwifedorunawaywithavaulter,ortheFrenchmanthatwalksuponropes,orhimthatdancesthejig,orafencerforhisskillathisweapon;whyitisnottheirfault,theyhavedischargedtheirconsciences;whenyouknowwhatmayhappen.Nay,suffervaliantly,sir,forImusttellyoualltheperilsthatyouareobnoxiousto.Ifshebefair,youngandvegetous,nosweetmeatseverdrewmoreflies;alltheyellowdoubletsandgreatrosesinthetownwillbethere.Iffoulandcrooked,she'llbewiththem,andbuythosedoubletsandroses,sir.Ifrich,andthatyoumarryherdowry,nother,she'llreigninyourhouseasimperiousasawidow.Ifnoble,allherkindredwillbeyourtyrants.Iffruitful,asproudasMay,andhumorousasApril;shemusthaveherdoctors,hermidwives,hernurses,herlongingseveryhour;thoughitbeforthedearestmorselofman.Iflearned,therewasneversuchaparrot;allyourpatrimonywillbetoolittleforthegueststhatmustbeinvitedtohearherspeakLatinandGreek;andyoumustliewithherinthoselanguagestoo,ifyouwillpleaseher.Ifprecise,youmustfeastallthesilencedbrethren,onceinthreedays;salutethesisters;entertainthewholefamily,orwoodofthem;andhearlong-windedexercises,singingsandcatechisings,whichyouarenotgivento,andyetmustgivefor;topleasethezealousmatronyourwife,whofortheholycause,willcozenyouoverandabove.Youbegintosweat,sir!butthisisnothalf,i'faith:youmaydoyourpleasure,notwithstanding,asIsaidbefore:Icomenottopersuadeyou.[Muteisstealingaway.]—Uponmyfaith,masterserving-man,ifyoudostir,Iwillbeatyou.

Mor.0,whatismysin!whatismysin!

True.Then,ifyouloveyourwife,orratherdoteonher,sir;O,howshe'lltortureyou,andtakepleasureinyourtorments!youshallliewithherbutwhenshelists;shewillnothurtherbeauty,hercomplexion;oritmustbeforthatjewel,orthatpearl,whenshedoes:everyhalfhour'spleasuremustbeboughtanew,andwiththesamepainandchargeyouwoo'dheratfirst.Thenyoumustkeepwhatservantssheplease;whatcompanyshewill;thatfriendmustnotvisityouwithoutherlicense;andhimshelovesmost,shewillseemtohateeagerliest,todeclineyourjealousy;or,foiimtobejealousofyoufirst;andforthatcausegolivewithhershe-friend,orcousinatthecollege,thatcaninstructherinallthemysteriesofwritingletters,corruptingservants,tamingspies;whereshemusthavethatrichgownforsuchagreatday;anew

oneforthenext;aricherforthethird;beservedinsilver;havethechamberfill'dwitha

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successionofgrooms,footmen,ushers,andothermessengers;besidesembroiderers,jewellers,tire-women,sempsters,feathermen,perfumers;whilstshefeelsnothowthelanddropsaway,northeacresmelt;norforeseesthechange,whenthemercerhasyourwoodsforhervelvets;neverweighswhatherpridecosts,sir;soshemaykissapage,orasmoothchin,thathasthedespairofabeard:beastateswoman,knowallthenews,whatwasdoneatSalisbury,whatattheBath,whatatcourt,whatinprogress;or,soshemaycensurepoets,andauthors,andstyles,andcomparethem;DanielwithSpenser,Jonsonwiththet'otheryouth,andsoforth:orbethoughtcunningincontroversies,ortheveryknotsofdivinity;andhaveofteninhermouththestateofthequestion;andthenskiptothemathematics,anddemonstration:andanswerinreligiontoone,instatetoanother,inbawdrytoathird.

Mor.0,0!

True.Allthisisverytrue,sir.Andthenhergoingindisguisetothatconjurer,andthiscunningwoman:wherethefirstquestionis,howsoonyoushalldie?next,ifherpresentservantloveher?next,ifsheshallhaveanewservant?andhowmany?whichofherfamilywouldmakethebestbawd,maleorfemale?whatprecedencesheshallhavebyhernextmatch?andsetsdowntheanswers,andbelievesthemabovethescriptures.Nay,perhapsshe'llstudytheart.

Mor.Gentlesir,haveyoudone?haveyouhadyourpleasureofme?I'llthinkofthesethings.

True.Yes,sir:andthencomesreekinghomeofvapourandsweat,withgoingafoot,andliesinamonthofanewface,alloilandbirdlime;andrisesinasses'milk,andiscleansedwithanewfucus:Godbewi'you,sir.Onethingmore,whichIhadalmostforgot.Thistoo,withwhomyouaretomarry,mayhavemadeaconveyanceofhervirginityaforehand,asyourwisewidowsdooftheirstates,beforetheymarry,intrusttosomefriend,sir:Whocantell?Orifshehavenotdoneityet,shemaydo,uponthewedding-day,orthenightbefore,andantedateyoucuckold.Thelikehasbeenheardofinnature.'Tisnodevised,impossiblething,sir.Godbewi'you:I'llbeboldtoleavethisropewithyou,sir,foraremembrance.—Farewell,Mute!{Exit.

Mor.Come,havemetomychamber:butfirstshutthedoor.[Truewitwindsthehornwithout.]O,shutthedoor,shutthedoor!ishecomeagain?

EnterCUTBEAKD.

Cut.'TisI,sir,yourbarber.

Mor.O,Cutbeard,Cutbeard,Cutbeard!herehasbeenacutthroatwithme:helpmeintomybed,andgivemephysicwiththycounsel.[Exeunt.

SCEXEII.—,4EoominSirJOHNDAW'SHouse.EnterDAW,CLERIMONT,DAUPHLNE,andEPICCENE.

Daw.Nay,anshewill,letherrefuseatherowncharges;'tisnothingtome,gentlemen:butshewillnotbeinvitedtothelikefeastsorguestseveryday.

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Cler.O,bynomeans,shemaynotrefuse—tostayathome,ifyouloveyourreputation:'Slight,youareinvitedthithero'purposetobeseen,andlaughedatbytheladyofthecollege,andhershadows.Thistrumpeterhathproclaim'dyou.[AsidetoEpi.

Daup.Youshallnotgo;lethimbelaugh'datinyourstead,fornotbringingyou:andputhimtohisextemporalfacultyoffoolingandtalkingloud,tosatisfythecompany.[AsidetoEpi.

Cler.Hewillsuspectus;talkaloud.—'Pray,mistressEpiccene,let'sseeyourverses;wehavesirJohnDaw'sleave;donotconcealyourservant'smerit,andyourownglories.

Epi.They'llprovemyservant'sglories,ifyouhavehisleavesosoon.

Daup.Hisvain-glories,lady!

Daw.Shewthem,shewthem,mistress;Idareownthem.

Epi.Judgeyou,whatglories.

Daw.Xay,I'llreadthemmyselftoo:anauthormustrecitehisownworks.ItisamadrigalofModesty.

Modestandfair,forfairandgoodarenearNeighbours,however.—•

Daup.Verygood.

Cler.Ay,is'tnot?

Daw.Nonoblevirtueeverwasalone,

Buttwoinone.

Daup.Excellent!

Cler.Thatagain,Ipray,sirJohn.

Daup.Ithassomethingiii'tlikerarewitandsense.

Cler.Peace.

Daw.Nonoblevirtueeverwasalone,

Buttwoinone.Then,whenIpraisesweetmodesty,Ipraise

Brightbeauty'srays:

Andhavingpraisedbothbeautyandmodesty,IJtavepraisedthee.

Daup.Admirable!

Cler.Howitchimes,andcriestinkintheclose,divinely!

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Daup.Ay,'tisSeneca.

Cler.XojIthink'tisPlutarch.

Daw.ThedoronPlutarchandSenooa!Ihnteit:theynremineownimaginations,bythatlight.Iwonderthosefellowshavesuchcreditwithgentlemen.

Cler.Theyareverygraveauthors.

Daw.Graveasses!mereessayists:afewloosesentences,and

that'sall.Amanwouldtalkso,hiswholeage:Idoutterasgoodthingseveryhour,ifthey"werecollectedandobserved,aseitherofthem.

Daup.Indeed,sirJohn!

Cler.Hemustneeds;livingamongthewitsandbraveriestoo.

Daup.Ay,andbeingpresidentofthem,asheis.

Daw.There'sAristotle,amerecommon-placefellow;Plato,adiscourser;ThucydidesandLivy,tediousanddry;Tacitus,anentireknot;sometimesworththeuntying,veryseldom.

Cler.Whatdoyouthinkofthepoets,sirJohn?

Daw.Notworthytobenamedforauthors.Homer,anoldtedious,prolixass,talksofcurriers,andchinesofbeef;Virgilofdungingofland,andbees;Horace,ofIknownotwhat.

Cler.Ithinkso.

Daw.Andso,Pindarus,Lycophron,Anacreon,Catullus,Senecathetragedian,Lucan,Propertius,Tibullus,Martial,Juvenal,Ausonius,Statius,Politian,ValeriusFlaccus,andtherest—

Cler.Whatasackfulloftheirnameshehasgot!

Daup.Andhowhepoursthemout!PolitianwithValeriusFla^cus!

Cler.Wasnotthecharacterrightofhim?

Daup.Ascouldbemade,i'faith.

Daw.AndPersius,acrabbedcoxcomb,nottobeendured.

Daup.Why,whomdoyouaccountforauthors,sirJohnDaw?

Daw.Syntagmajuriscivilis;Corpusjuriscivilis;Corpusjuriscanonici;thekingofSpain'sbible—

Daup.IsthekingofSpain'sbibleanauthor?

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Cler.Yes,andSyntagma.

Daup.WhatwasthatSyntagma,sir?

Daw.Acivillawyer,aSpaniard.

Daup.Sure,CorpuswasaDutchman.

Cler.Ay,boththeCorpuses,Iknew'em:theywereverycorpulentauthors.

Daw.Andthenthere'sVatablus,Pomponatius,Symancha:theotherarenottobereceived,withinthethoughtofascholar.

Daup.'ForeGod,youhaveasimplelearnedservant,lady,—intitles.[Aside.

Cler.Iwonderthatheisnotcalledtothehelm,andmadeacounsellor.v

Daup.Heisoneextraordinary.

Cler.Nay,butinordinary:tosaytruth,thestatewantssuch.

Daup.Whythatwillfollow.

Cler.Imuseamistresscanbesosilenttothedotesoisuchaservant.

Daw.'Tishervirtue,sir.Ihavewrittensomewhatofhersilencetoo.

Daup.Inverse,sirJohn?

Cler.Whatelse?

Dm/p.Why,howcanyoujustifyyourownbeingofapoet,thatsoslightalltheoldpoets?

Daw.Why,everymanthatwritesinverseisnotapoet;youhaveofthewitsthatwriteverses,andyetarenopoets:theyarepoetsthatlivebyit,thepoorfellowsthatlivebyit.

Daup.Why,wouldnotyoulivebyyourverses,sirJohn?Cler.No,'twerepityheshould.Aknightlivebyhisverses!hedidnotmakethemtothatend,Ihope.

Daup.AndyetthenobleSidneylivesbyhis,andthenoblefamilynotashamed.

Cler.Ay,heprofesthimself;butsirJohnDawhasmorecaution:he'llnothinderhisownrisinginthestatesomuch.Doyouthinkhewill?Yourverses,goodsirJohn,andnopoems.Daw.Silenceinwoman,islike,speechinman;

Deny'twhocan.

Daup.NotI,believeit:yourreason,sir.Daw.Soris'tatale,

Thatfemaleviceshouldbeavirtuemale,Ormasculineviceafemalevirtuebe:Youshallit

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seeProv'dwithincrease;

Iknowtospeak,andshetoholdherpeace.Doyouconceiveme,gentlemen?

Daup.No,faith;howmeanyouwithincrease,sirJohn?Daw.Why,withincreaseis,whenIcourtherforthecommoncauseofmankind,andshesaysnothing,butconsentirevidetur;andintimeisgravida.

Daup.Thenthisisaballadofprocreation?Cler.Amadrigalofprocreation;youmistake.Epi.'Praygivememyversesagain,servant.Daw.Ifyou'llaskthemaloud,youshall.

[Walksasidewiththepapers.

EnterTRUEWITwithhishorn.

Chr.See,here'sTruewitagain!—Wherehastthoubeen,inthenameofmadness,thusaccoutredwiththyhorn?

True.Wherethesoundofitmighthavepiercedyoursensewithgladness,hadyoubeeninear-reachofit.Dauphine,falldownandworshipme;Ihaveforbidthebans,lad:Ihavebeenwiththyvirtuousuncle,andhavebrokethematch.

Daup.Youhavenot,Ihope.

True.Yes,faith;andthoushouldsthopeotherwise,Ishouldrepentme:thishorngotmeentrance;kissit.Ihadnootherwaytogetin,butbyfeigningtobeapost;butwhenIgotinonce,Iprovednone,butratherthecontrary,turn'dhimintoapost,orastone,orwhatisstiffer,withthunderingintohimtheincom-moditiesofawife,andthemiseriesofmarriage.IfeverGorgonwereseenintheshapeofawoman,hehathseenherinmydescription:Ihaveputhimoffo'thatscentforever.—Whydoyounot

applaudandadoreme,sirs?whystandyoumute?areyoustupid?Youarenotworthyofthebenefit.

Daup.DidnotItellyou?Mischief!—

Cler.Iwouldyouhadplacedthisbenefitsomewhereelse.

True.Whyso?

Cler.'Slight,youhavedonethemostinconsiderate,rash,weakthing,thatevermandidtohisfriend.

Daup.Friend!ifthemostmaliciousenemyIhave,hadstudiedtoinflictaninjuryuponme,itcouldnotbeagreater.

True.Wherein,forGod'ssake?Gentlemen,cometoyourselvesagain.

Daup.ButIpresagedthusmuchaforetoyou.

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Cler.Wouldmylipshadbeensolder'dwhenIspakeon't!Slight,whatmovedyoutobethusimpertinent?

True.Mymasters,donotputonthisstrangefacetopaymycourtesy;offwiththisvizor.Havegoodturnsdoneyou,andthank'emthisway!

Daup.Toreheaven,youhaveundoneme.ThatwhichIhaveplottedfor,andbeenmaturingnowthesefourmonths,youhaveblastedinaminute:NowIamlost,Imayspeak.Thisgentlewomanwaslodgedherebymeo'purpose,and,tobeputuponmyuncle,hathprofestthisobstinatesilenceformysake;beingmyentirefriend,andonethatfortherequitalofsuchafortuneastomarryhim,wouldhavemademeveryampleconditions;wherenow,allmyhopesareutterlymiscarriedbythisunluckyaccident.

Cler.Thus'tiswhenamanwillbeignorantlyofficious,doservices,andnotknowhiswhy;Iwonderwhatcourteousitchpossestyou.Youneverdidabsurderpartinyourlife,noragreatertrespasstofriendshiporhumanity.

Daup.Faith,youmayforgiveitbest;'twasyourcauseprincipally.

Cler.Iknowit;wouldithadnot.

EnterCUTBEAKD.

Daup.Hownow,Cutbeard!whatnews?

Cut.Thebest,thehappiestthateverwas,sir.Therehasbeenamadgentlemanwithyourunclethismorning,[seeingTruewit.]—Ithinkthisbethegentleman—thathasalmosttalk'dhimoutofhiswits,withthreateninghimfrommarriage—

Daup.On,Iprithee.

Cut.Andyouruncle,sir,hethinks'twasdonebyyourprocurement;thereforehewillseethepartyyouwotofpresently;andifhelikeher,hesays,andthatshebesoincliningtodumbasIhavetoldhim,heswearshewillmarryherto-day,instantly,andnotdeferitaminutelonger.

Daup.Excellent!beyondourexpectation!

True.Beyondourexpectation!Bythislight,Iknewitwouldbethus.

Daup.Nay,sweetTruewit,forgiveme.

True.No,Iwasignorantlyofficious,impertinent;thiswastheabsurd,weakpart.

Cler.Wiltthouascribethattomeritnow,wasmerefortune!

True.Fortune!mereprovidence.Fortunehadnotafingerin't.Isawitmustnecessarilyinnaturefalloutso:mygeniusisneverfalsetomeinthesethings.Shewmehowitcouldbeotherwise.

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Daup.Nay,gentlemen,contendnot;'tiswellnow.

True.Alas,Ilethimgoonwithinconsiderate,andrash,andwhathepleased.

Cler.Away,thoustrangejustifierofthyself,tobewiserthanthouwert,bytheevent!

True.Event!bythislight,thoushaltneverpersuademe,butIforesawitaswellasthestarsthemselves.

Daup.Nay,gentlemen,'tiswellnow.DoyoutwoentertainsirJohnDawwithdiscourse,whileIsendherawaywithinstructions.

True.I'llbeacquaintedwithherfirst,byyourfavour.

Cler.MasterTruewit,lady,afriendofours.

True.IamsorryIhavenotknownyousooner,lady,tocelebratethisrarevirtueofyoursilence.[ExeuntDaup.,Epi.,andCutbeard.

Cler.Faith,anyouhadcomesooner,youshouldhaveseenandheardherwellcelebratedinsirJohnDaw'smadrigals.

True,[advancestoDaw.}JackDaw,Godsaveyou!whensawyouLa-Foole?

Daw.Notsincelastnight,masterTruewit.

True.That'samiracle!Ithoughtyoutwohadbeeninseparable.

Daw.He'sgonetoinvitehisguests.

True.'Odso!'tistrue!WhatafalsememoryhaveItowardsthatman!Iamone:Imethimevennow,uponthathecallshisdelicatefineblackhorse,ridintofoam,withpostingfromplacetoplace,andpersontoperson,togivethemthecue—

Cler.Lesttheyshouldforget?

True.Yes:Therewasneverpoorcaptaintookmorepainsatamustertoshewmen,thanhe,atthismeal,toshewfriends.

Daw.Itishisquarter-feast,sir.

Cler.What!doyousayso,sirJohn?

True.Nay,JackDawwillnotbeout,atthebestfriendshehas,tothetalentofhiswit:Where'shismistress,tohearandapplaudhim?isshegone?

Daw.IsmistressEpicrenegone?

Cler.Goneafore,withsirDauphine,Iwarrant,totheplace.

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True.Goneafore!thatwereamanifestinjury,adisgraceandahalf;torefusehimatsuchafestival-timeasthis,beingabravery,andawittoo!

Cler.Tut,he'llswallowitlikecream:he'sbetterreadinJurecivili,thantoesteemanythingadisgrace,isoffer'dhimfromamistress.

Daw.Nay,lethere'engo;sheshallsitalone,andbedumbinherchamberaweektogether,forJohnDaw,Iwarranther.Doessherefuseme?

Chr.No,sir,donottakeitsotoheart;shedoesnotrefuseyou,butalittleneglectsYOU.Goodfaith,Truewit,youweretoblame,toputitintohishead,thatshedoesrefusehim.

True.Sir,shedoesrefusehimpalpably,howeveryouminceit.AnIwereashe,Iwouldsweartospeakne'erawordtoherto-dayfor't.

Daw.Bythislight,nomoreIwillnot.

True.Xortoanybodyelse,sir.

Daw.Xay,Iwillnotsayso,gentlemen.

Chr.Ithadbeenanexcellenthappyconditionforthecompany,iiyoucouldhavedrawnhimtoit.[Aside.

Daw.I'llbeverymelancholy,i'faith.

Cler.Asadog,ifIwereasyou,sirJohn.

True.Orasnail,orahog-louse:Iwouldrollmyselfupforthisday:introth,theyshouldnotunwindme.

Daw.Bythispick-tooth,soIwill.

Cler.'Tiswelldone:Hebeginsalreadytobeangrywithhisteeth.

Daw.Willyougo,gentlemen?

Cler.Xay,youmustwalkalone,ifyouberightmelancholy,sir

John,

True.Yes,sir,we'lldogyou,we'llfollowyouafaroff.[ExitDaw.

Cler.Wasthereeversuchatwoyardsofknighthoodmeasuredoutbytime,tobesoldtolaughter?

True.Ameretalkingmole,hanghim!nomushroomwaseversofresh.Afellowsoutterlynothing,asheknowsnotwhathewouldbe.

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Cler.Let'sfollowhim:butfirstlet'sgotoDauphine,he'shoveringaboutthehousetohearwhatnews.

True.Content.[Exeunt.

SCEXEIII.—AEoominMOROSE'SHouse.EnterMOROSEandMUTE,followedbyCTTBEARDwithEPICQENE.

3/or.Welcome,Cutbeard!drawnearwithyourfaircharge:andinherearsoftlyentreathertounmask.[Epi.takesoffhermask.]—So!Isthedoorshut?[Mutemakesaleg.]—Enough.Xow,Cut-beard,withthesamedisciplineIusetomyfamily,Iwillquestionyou.AsIconceive,Cutbeard,thisgentlewomanissheyouhaveprovided,andbrought,inhopeshewillfitmeintheplaceandpersonofawife?Answermenotbutwithyourleg,unlessitbeotherwise:[Cut.makesaleg.}—Verywelldone,Cutbeard.Iconceive,besides,Cutbeard,youhavebeenpre-acquaintedwithherbirth,education,andqualities,orelseyouwouldnotpreferhertomyacceptance,intheweightyconsequenceofmarriage.[makesaleg.]—ThisIconceive.Cutbeard.Answermenotbutwithyourleg,unlessitbeotherwise,[bowsagain.]—Verywelldone,Cutbeard.Giveasidenowalittle,andleavemetoexaminehercondition,andaptitudetomyaffection,[goesaboutherand

weirsher.]—Sheisexceedingfair,andofaspecialgoodfavour;asweetcompositionorharmonyoflimbs;hertemperofbeautyhasthetrueheightofmyblood.Theknavehathexceedinglywellfittedmewithout:Iwillnowtryherwithin.—Comenear,fairgentlewoman;letnotmybehaviourseemrude,thoughuntoyou,beingrare,itmayhaplyappearstrange.[Epiccenecurtsies.]Nay,lady,youmayspeak,thoughCutbeardandmymanmightnot;forofallsounds,onlythesweetvoiceofafairladyhasthejustlengthofmineears.Ibeseechyou,say,lady;outofthefirstfireofmeetingeyes,theysay,loveisstricken:doyoufeelanysuchmotionsuddenlyshotintoyou,fromanypartyouseeinme?ha,lady?[Epi.curtsies.]—Alas,lady,theseanswersbysilentcurtf11>myouaretoocourtlessandsimple.Ihaveeverhadmybreedingincourt;andshethatshallbemywife,mustbeaccomplishedwithcourtlyandaudaciousornaments.Canyouspeak,lady?

Epi.\8oftty']Judgeyou,forsooth.

I/or.Whatsayyou,lady?Speakout,Ibeseechyou.

Epi.Judgeyou,forsooth.

A/or.Onmyjudgment,adivinesoftness!Butcanyounaturally,lady,asIenjointhesebydoctrineandindustry,referyourselftothesearchofmyjudgment,and,nottakingpleasureinyourtongue,whichisawoman'schiefestpleasure,thinkitplausibletoanswermebysilentgestures,solongasmyspeechesjumprightwithwhatyouconceive?[Epi.curtsies.]—Excellent!divine!ifitwerepossiblesheshouldholdoutthus!—Peace,Cutbeard,thouartmadeforever,asthouhastmademe,ifthisfelicityhavelasting:butIwilltryherfurther.Dearlady,Iamcourtly,Itellyou,andImusthavemineearsbanquetedwithpleasantandwittyconferences,prettygirls,scoffs,anddallianceinherthatImeantochooseformybed-phere.Theladiesincourtthinkitamostdesperateimpairtotheirquicknessofwit,andgoodcarriage,ifthevcannotgiveoccasionforamantocourt'em;andwhenanamorousdiscourse

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issetonfoot,ministerasgoodmattertocontinueit,ashimself:Anddoyoualonesomuchdifferfromallthem,thatwhatthey,withsomuchcircumstance,affectandtoilfor,toseemlearn'd,toseemjudicious,toseemsharpandconceited,youcanburyinyourselfwithsilence,andrathertrustyourgracestothefairconscienceofvirtue,thantotheworld'soryourownproclamation?

Epi.[softly.]Ishouldbesorryelse.

Mor.Whatsayyou,lady?goodlady,speakout.

Epi.Ishouldbesorryelse.

Mor.Thatsorrowdothfillmewithgladness.0Morose,thouarthappyabovemankind!praythatthoumayestcontainthyself.Iwillonlyputhertoitoncemore,anditshallbewiththeutmostt'uichandtestoftheirsex.Buthearme,fairlady;IdoalsolovetoseeherwhomIshallchooseformyheifer,tobethefirstandprincipalinallfashions,precedeallthedamesatcourtbyafortnight,havecounciloftailors,lineners,lace-women,embroiderers:

andsitwiththemsometimestwiceadayuponFrenchintelligences,andthencomeforthvariedlikenature,oroftenerthanshe,andbetterbythehelpofart,heremulousservant.ThisdoIaffect:andhowwillyoubeable,lady,withthisfrugalityofspeech,togivethemanifoldbutnecessaryinstructions,forthatbodice,thesesleeves,thoseskirts,thiscut,thatstitch,thisembroidery,thatlace,thiswire,thoseknots,thatruff,thoseroses,thisgirdle,thatfan,thet'otherscarf,thesegloves?Ha!whatsayyou,lady?

Epi.[softly.']I'llleaveittoyou,sir.

Mor.How,lady?prayyouriseanote.

Epi.Ileaveittowisdomandyou,sir.

Mor.Admirablecreature!Iwilltroubleyounomore:Iwillnotsinagainstsosweetasimplicity.Letmenowbeboldtoprintonthosedivinelipsthesealofbeingmine.—Cutbeard,Igivetheetheleaseofthyhousefree;thankmenotbutwiththyleg.[Cut-beardshakeshishead.]—Iknowwhatthouwouldstsay,she'spoor,andherfriendsdeceased.Shehasbroughtawealthydowryinhersilence,Cutbeard;andinrespectofherpoverty,Cutbeard,Ishallhavehermorelovingandobedient,Cutbeard.Gothyways,andgetmeaministerpresently,withasoftlowvoice,tomarryus;andprayhimhewillnotbeimpertinent,butbriefashecan;away:softly,Cutbeard.[ExitCut.]—Sirrah,conductyourmistressintothedining-room,yournowmistress.[ExitMute,followedbyEpi.]—Omyfelicity!howshallIberevengedonmineinsolentkinsman,andhisplotstofrightmefrommarrying!ThisnightIwillgetanheir,andthrusthimoutofmyblood,likeastranger.Hewouldbeknighted,forsooth,andthoughtbythatmeanstoreignoverme;histitlemustdoit:No,kinsman,Iwillnowmakeyoubringmethetenthlord'sandthesixteenthlady'sletter,kinsman;anditshalldoyounogood,kinsman.Yourknighthooditselfshallcomeonitsknees,anditshallberejected;itshallbesuedforitsfeestoexecution,andnotberedeem'd;itshallcheatatthetwelve-pennyordinary,itknighthood,foritsdiet,alltheterm-time,andtelltalesforitinthevacationtothehostess;oritknighthoodshalldoworse,takesanctuaryinCole-harbour,andfast.Itshallfrightallit

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friendswithborrowingletters;andwhenoneofthefourscorehathbroughtitknighthoodtenshillings,itknighthoodshallgototheCranes,ortheBearattheBridge-foot,andbedrunkinfear;itshallnothavemoneytodischargeonetavern-reckoning,toinvitetheoldcreditorstoforbearitknighthood,orthenew,thatshouldbe,totrustitknighthood.Itshallbethetenthnameinthebondtotakeupthecommodityofpipkinsandstone-jugs:andthepartthereofshallnotfurnishitknighthoodforthfortheattemptingofabaker'swidow,abrownbaker'swidow.Itshallgiveitknighthood'snameforastallion,toallgamesomecitizens'wives,andberefused,whenthemasterofadancing-school,orhowdoyoucallhim,theworstrevellerinthetownistaken:itshallwantclothes,andbyreasonofthat,wit,tofooltolawyers.ItshallnothavehopetorepairitselfbyConstantinople,Ireland,orVirginia;

butthebestandlastfortunetoitknighthoodshallbetomakeDolTear-sheet,orKateCommonalady,andsoitknighthoodmayeat.

[Exit.

SCENEIV.—ALane,nearMOROSE'SHouse.EnterTRUEWTT,DAUPHINE,andCLERIMO^T.

True,Areyousureheisnotgoneby?

Daup.No,Istaidintheshopeversince.

Cler.Buthemaytaketheotherendofthelane.

Daup.No,ItoldhimIwouldbehereatthisend:Iappointedhimhither.

True.Whatabarbarianitistostaythen!

Daup.Yonderhecomes.

Cler.Andhischargeleftbehindhim,whichisaverygoodsign,Dauphine.

EnterCUTBEARD.

Daup.Hownow,Cutbeard!succeedsit,orno?

Cut.Pastimagination,sir,omniasccunda;youcouldnothavepray'dtohavehaditsowell.Saltatsenex,asitisintheproverb;hedoestriumphinhisfelicity,admirestheparty!hehasgivenmetheleaseofmyhousetoo!andIamnowgoingforasilentministertomarrythem,andaway.

True.'Slight!getoneofthesilencedministers;azealousbrotherwouldtormenthimpurely.

Cut.Cumprivilegio,sir.

Daup.0,bynomeans;let'sdonothingtohinderitnow:when'tisdoneandfinished,Iamforyou,foranydeviceofvexation.

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Cut.Andthatshallbewithinthishalfhour,uponmydexterity,gentlemen.Contrivewhatyoucaninthemeantime,bonisavibus.

[Exit.

Cler.HowtheslavedothLatinit!

True.Itwouldbemadeajesttoposterity,sirs,thisday'smirth,ifyewill.

Cler.Beshrewhisheartthatwillnot,Ipronounce.

Daup.Andformypart.Whatisit?

True.TotranslateallLa-Foole'scompany,andhisfeastthither,to-day,tocelebratethisbride-ale.

Daup.Ay,marry;buthowwill'tbedone?

True.I'llundertakethedirectingofallthelady-gueststhither,andthenthemeatmustfollow.

Cler.ForGod'ssake,let'seffectit;itwillbeanexcellentcomedyofaffliction,somanyseveralnoises.

Daup.Butaretheynotattheotherplace,already,thinkyou?

True.I'llwarrantyouforthecollege-honours:oneofIhrirfaceshasnottheprimingcolourlaidonyet,northeotherhersleek'd.

<'!er.O,butthey'llriser:ulicrthanordinarytoafeast,

True.Bestgosee,andassureourselves.

Cler.Whoknowsthehouse?

True.I'llleadyou:Wereyouneverthereyet?

Daup.NotI.

Cler.NorI.

True.Wherehaveyoulivedthen?notknowTomOtter!

Cler.No:forGod'ssake,whatishe?

True.Anexcellentanimal,equalwithyourDaworLa-Foole,ifnottranscendant;anddoesLatinitasmuchasyourbarber:Heishiswife'ssubject;hecallsherprincess,andatsuchtimesasthesefollowsherupanddownthehouselikeapage,withhishatoff,partlyforheat,partlyforreverence.Atthisinstantheismarshallingofhisbull,bear,andhorse.

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Daup.Whatbethose,inthenameofSphynx?

True.Why,sir,hehasbeenagreatmanattheBear-gardeninhistime;andfromthatsubtlesporthasta'enthewittydenominationofhischiefcarousingcups.Onehecallshisbull,anotherhisbear,anotherhishorse.Andthenhehashislesserglasses,thathecallshisdeerandhisape;andseveraldegreesofthemtoo;andneveriswell,northinksanyentertainmentperfect,tillthesebebroughtout,andsetonthecupboard.

Cler.ForGod'slove!—weshouldmissthis,ifweshouldnotgo.

True.Nay,hehasathousandthingsasgood,thatwillspeakhimallday.Hewillrailonhiswife,withcertaincommonplaces,behindherback;andtoherface—

Daup.Nomoreofhim.Let'sgoseehim,Ipetitionyou.

[Exeunt.

ACTIII

SCENEI.—ARoominOTTER'SHouse..EnterCaptainOTTERwithhiscups,andMistressOTTER.

Ott.Nay,goodprincess,hearmepaucaverba.

Mrs.Ott.Bythatlight,I'llhaveyouchain'dup,withyourbull-dogsandbear-dogs,ifyoubenotcivilthesooner.I'llsendyoutokennel,i'faith.Youwerebestbaitmewithyourbull,bear,andhorse.Neveratimethatthecourtiersorcollegiatescometothehouse,butyoumakeitaShrove-tuesday!IwouldhaveyougetyourWhitsuntidevelvetcap,andyourstaffinyourhand,toentertainthem:yes,introth,do.

Ott.Notso,princess,neither;butundercorrection,sweetprincess,givemeleave.—ThesethingsIamknowntothecourtiersby:Itisreportedtothemformyhumour,andtheyreceiveitso,anddoexpectit.TomOtter'sbull,bear,andhorseisknownalloverEngland,inrerumnatura.

Mrs.Ott.'Foreme,Iwillna-turethemovertoParis-garden,andna-tureyouthithertoo,ifyoupronouncethemagain.Isabearafitbeast,orabull,tomixinsocietywithgreatladies?thinkinyourdiscretion,inanygoodpolicy.

Ott.Thehorsethen,goodprincess.

Mrs.Ott.Well,Iamcontentedforthehorse;theylovetobewellhorsed,Iknow:Iloveitmyself.

Ott.Anditisadelicatefinehorsethis:PoetarumPegasus.Undercorrection,princess,Jupiterdidturnhimselfintoa—taurus,orbull,undercorrection,goodprincess.

EnterTRUEWTT,CLERLMONT,andDAUPHI^E,behind.

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Mrs.Oti.Bymyintegrity,I'llsendyouovertotheBank-side;I'llcommityoutothemasteroftheGarden,ifIhearbutasyllablemore.Mustmyhouseormyroofbepollutedwiththescentofbearsandbulls,whenitisperfumedforgreatladies?Isthisaccordingtotheinstrument,whenImarriedyou?thatIwouldbeprincess,andreigninmineownhouse;andyouwouldbemysubject,andobeyme?Whatdidyoubringme,shouldmakeyouthusperemptory?doIallowyouyourhalf-crownaday,tospendwhereyouwill,amongyourgamesters,tovexandtormentmeatsuchtimesasthese?Whogivesyouyourmaintenance,Iprayvou?whoallowsvouvourhorse-meatandman'smeat?your

*-*.'«/»/

threesuitsofapparelayear?yourfourpairofstockings,onesilk,threeworsted?yourcleanlinen,yourbandsandcuffs,whenIcangetyoutowearthem?—'tismarieyouhavethemonnow.—Whogracesyouwithcourtiersorgreatpersonages,tospeaktoyououtoftheircoaches,andcomehometoyourhouse?Wereyoueversomuchaslook'duponbyalordoralady,beforeImarriedyou,butontheEasterorWhitsun-holidays?andthenoutatthebanqueting-housewindow,whenXedWhitingorGeorgeStonewereatthestake?

True.ForGod'ssake,let'sgostaveheroffhim.

Mrs.Ott.Answermetothat.AnddidnotItakeyouupfromthence,inanoldgreasybuff-doublet,withpoints,andgreenvelvetsleeves,outattheelbows?youforgetthis.

True.She'llworryhim,ifwehelpnotintime.

[Theycomeforward.

^frs.Ott.O,herearesomeofthegallants!Goto,behaveyourselfdistinctly,andwithgoodmorality;or,Iprotest,I'lltakeawayyourexhibition.

True.Byyourleave,fairmistressOtter,I'llbeboldtoenterthesegentlemeninyouracquaintance.

Mrs.Ott.Itshallnotbeobnoxious,ordifficil,sir.

True.Howdoe.smynoblecaptain?isthebull,bear,andhorseinrerumnaturastill?

Ott.Sir,sicvisinnfviprri*.

Mrs.Ott.Iwouldyouwouldbutintimatethem,do.Goyour

wavsin,andgettoastsandbuttermadeforthewoodcocks:that's

•provinceforyou.[Driveshimoff.

Cler.Alas,whatatynnnvisthispoorfellowmarriedto!

True.O,butthesportwillbeanon,whenwegethimloose.

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Daup.Daresheeverspeak'

True.NoAnabaptisteverrail'dwiththelikelicense:butmarkherlanguageinthemeantime,Ibeseechyou.

Mrs.Ott.Gentlemen,youareveryaptlycome.Mycousin,sirAmorous,willbeherebriefly.

True.Ingoodtime,lady.WasnotsirJohnDawhere,toaskforhim,andthecompany?

Mrs.Ott.Icannotassureyou,masterTruewit.Herewasaverymelancholyknightinaruff,thatdemandedmysubjectforsomebody,agentleman,Ithink.

Cler.Ay,thatwashe,lady.

Mrs.Ott.Buthedepartedstraight,Icanresolveyou.

Daup.Whatanexcellentchoicephrasethisladyexpressesin.

True.O,sir,sheistheonlyauthenticalcourtier,thatisnotnaturallybredone,inthecity.

Mrs.Ott.Youhavetakenthatreportupontrust,gentlemen.

True.No,Iassureyou,thecourtgovernsitso,lady,inyourbehalf.

Mrs.Ott.Iamtheservantofthecourtandcourtiers,sir.

True.Theyareratheryouridolaters.

Mrs.Ott.Notso,sir.

EnterCUTBEARD.

Daup.Hownow,Cutbeard!anycross?

Cut.0no,sir,omniabene.'Twasneverbetteronthehinges;all'ssure.Ihavesopleasedhimwithacurate,thathe'sgoneto'talmostwiththedelighthehopesforsoon.

Daup.Whatisheforavicar?

Cut.Onethathascatch'dacold,sir,andcanscarcebeheardsixinchesoff;asifhespokeoutofabulrushthatwerenotpick'd,orhisthroatwerefullofpith:afinequickfellow,andanexcellentbarberofprayers.Icametotellyou,sir,thatyoumightomnemmoverelapidem,astheysay,bereadywithyourvexation.

Daup.Gramercy,honestCutbeard!bethereaboutswiththykey,toletusin.

Cut.Iwillnotfailyou,sir;admanum.[Exit.

True.Well,I'llgowatchmycoaches.

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Cler.Do;andwe'llsendDawtoyou,ifyoumeethimnot.

[ExitTruewit.

Mrs.Ott.IsmasterTruewitgone?

Daup.Yes,lady,thereissomeunfortunatebusinessfallenout.

Mrs.Ott.SoIadjudgedbythephysiognomyofthefellowthatcamein;andIhadadreamlastnighttooofthenewpageant,andmyladymayoress,whichisalwaysveryominoustome.ItolditmyladyHaughtyt'otherday,whenherhonourcamehithertoseesomeChinastuffs;andsheexpoundeditoutofArtemidorus,andIhavefounditsinceverytrue.Ithasdonememanyaffronts.

Cler.Yourdream,lady?

Mrs.Ott.Yes,sir,anythingIdobutdreamofthecity.Itstain'dmeadamasktable-cloth,costmeeighteenpound,atone

time;andburntmeablacksatingown,asIstoodbythefire,atmyladyCentaure'schamberinthecollege,anothertime.Athirdtime,atthelords'masque,itdroptallmywireandmyruffwithwaxcandle,thatIcouldnotgouptothebanquet.Afourthtime,asIwastakingcoachtogotoWare,tomeetafriend,itdash'dmeanewsuitallover(acrimsonsatindoublet,andblackvelvetskirts)withabrewer'shorse,thatIwasfaintogoinandshiftme,andkeptmychamberaleashofdaysfortheanguishofit.

Daup.Thesewerediremischances,lady.

Cler.Iwouldnotdwellinthecity,an'tweresofataltome.

Mrs.Oil.Yes,sir;butIdotakeadviceofmydoctortodreamofitaslittleasIcan.

Damp.Youdowell,mistressOtter.

EnterSirJOHNDAW,andistakenasidebyCLERTMONT.

Mrs.Ott.Willitpleaseyoutoenterthehousefarther,gentlemen?

Daup.Andyourfavour,lady:butwestaytospeakwithaknight,sirJohnDaw,whoisherecome.Weshallfollowyou,lady.

Mrs.Ott.Atyourowntime,sir.ItismycousinsirAmoroushisfeast—

Daup.Iknowit,lady.

Mrs.Ott.Andminetogether.Butitisforhishonour,andthereforeItakenonameofit,morethanoftheplace.

Daup.Youareabounteouskinswoman.

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Mrs.Ott.Yourservant,sir.[Exit.

Cler.[comingforwardwithDaw.}Why,donotyouknowit,sirJohnDaw?

Daw.No,IamarookifIdo.

Cler.I'lltellyou,then;she'smarriedbythistime.And,whereasyouwereputinthehead,thatshewasgonewithsirDauphine,Iassureyou,sirDauphinehasbeenthenoblest,honestestfriendtoyou,thatevergentlemanofyourqualitycouldboastof.Hehasdiscover'dthewholeplot,andmadeyourmistresssoacknowledging,andindeedsoashamedofherinjurytoyou,thatshedesiresyoutoforgiveher,andbutgraceherweddingwithyourpresenceto-day-Sheistobemarriedtoaverygoodfortune,shesays,hisuncle,oldMorose;andshewill'dmeinprivatetotellyou,thatsheshallbeabletodoyoumorefavours,andwithmoresecuritynowthanbefore.

Daw.Didahesayso,i'faith?

Cler.Why,whatdoyouthinkofme,sirJohn?asksirDauphine.

Daw.Nay,Ibelieveyou.—GoodsirDauphine,didshedesiremetoforgiveher?

Daup.Iassureyou,sirJohn,shedid.

Daw.Nay,then,Idowithallmyheart,andI'llbejovial.

Cler.Yes,forlookyou,sir,thiswastheinjurytoyou.La-Fooleintendedthisfeasttohonourherbridalday,andmadeyou(hepropertytoinvitethecollegeladies,andpromisetobringIHT;andthenatthetimeshewouldhaveappear'd,ashisfriend,tohavegivenyouthedor.Whereasnow,sirDauphinehasbrought

hertoafeelingofit,withthiskindofsatisfaction,thatyoushallbringalltheladiestotheplacewheresheis,andbeveryjovial;andthere,shewillhaveadinner,whichshallbeinyourname:andsodisappointLa-Foole,tomakeyougoodagain,and,asitwere,asaverinthemain.

Daio.AsIamaknight,Ihonourher;andforgiveherheartily.

Cler.Aboutitthenpresently.Truewitisgonebeforetoconfrontthecoaches,andtoacquaintyouwithsomuch,ifhemeetyou.Joinwithhim,and'tiswell.—

EnterSirAMOROUSLA-FOOLE.

See;herecomesyourantagonist;buttakeyounonotice,butbeveryjovial.

La-F.Aretheladiescome,sirJohnDaw,andyourmistress?[ExitDaw.']—SirDauphine!youareexceedingwelcome,andhonestmasterClerimont.Where'smycousin?didyouseenocollegiates,gentlemen?

Daup.Collegiates!doyounothear,sirAmorous,howyouareabused?

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La-F.How,sir!

Cler.WillyouspeaksokindlytosirJohnDaw,thathasdoneyousuchanaffront?

La-F.Wherein,gentlemen?letmebeasuitortoyoutoknow,Ibeseechyou.

Cler.Why,sir,hismistressismarriedto-daytosirDauphine'suncle,yourcousin'sneighbour,andhehasdivertedalltheladies,andallyourcompanythither,tofrustrateyourprovision,andstickadisgraceuponyou.Hewasherenowtohaveenticedusawayfromyoutoo:butwetoldhimhisown,Ithink.

La-F.HassirJohnDawwrong'dmesoinhumanly?

Daup.Hehasdoneit,sirAmorous,mostmaliciouslyandtreacherously:but,ifyou'llberuledbyus,youshallquithim,i'faith.

La-F.Goodgentlemen,I'llmakeone,believeit.How,Ipray?

Daup.Marry,sir,getmeyourpheasants,andyourgodwits,andyourbestmeat,anddishitinsilverdishesofyourcousin'spresently;andsaynothing,butclapmeacleantowelaboutyou,likeasewer;and,bare-headed,marchaforeitwithagoodconfidence,('tisbutovertheway,hardby,)andwe'llsecondyou,whereyoushallsetitontheboard,andbidthemwelcometo't,whichshallshew'tisyours,anddisgracehispreparationutterly:andforyourcousin,whereassheshouldbetroubledhereathomewithcareofmakingandgivingwelcome,sheshalltransferallthatlabourthither,andbeaprincipalguestherself;sitrank'dwiththecollege-honours,andbehonour'd,andhaveherhealthdrunkasoften,asbareandasJoudasthebestofthem.

La-F.I'llgotellherpresently.Itshallbedone,that'sresolved.

[Exit.

Cler.Ithoughthewouldnothearitout,but'twouldtakehim.

Daup.Well,therebeguestsandmeatnow;howshallwedoformusic?

Cler.Thesmellofthevenison,goingthroughthestreet,willinviteonenoiseoffiddlersorother.

Daup.Iwoulditwouldcallthetrumpetershither!

Cler.Faith,thereishope:theyhaveintelligenceofallfeasts.There'sgoodcorrespondencebetwixtthemandtheLondoncooks:'tistwentytoonebutwehavethem.

Daup,'Twillbeamostsolemndayformyuncle,andanexcellentfitofmirthforus.

Cler.Ay,ifwecanholduptheemulationbetwixtFooleandDaw,andneverbringthemtoexpostulate.

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Daup.Tut,flatterthemboth,asTruewitsays,andyoumaytaketheirunderstandingsinapurse-net.They'llbelievethemselvestobejustsuchmenaswemakethem,neithermorenorless.Theyhavenothing,nottheuseoftheirsenses,butbytradition.

Re-enterLA-FOOLE,likeaSewer.

Cler.See!sirAmoroushashistowelonalready.Haveyoupersuadedyourcousin?

La-F.Yes,'tisveryfeasible:she'lldoanything,shesays,ratherthantheLa-Foolesshallbedisgraced.

Daup.Sheisanoblekinswoman.Itwillbesuchapestlingdevice,sirAmorous;itwillpoundallyourenemy'spracticestopowder,andblowhimupwithhisownmine,hisowntrain.

La-F.Xay,we'llgivefire,Iwarrantyou.

Cler.Butyoumustcarryitprivately,withoutanynoise,andtakenonoticebyanymeans—

Re-enterCaptainOTTER.

Oil.Gentlemen,myprincesssaysyoushallhaveallhersilverdishes,festinate:andshe'sgonetoalterhertirealittle,andgowithyou—

Cler.Andyourselftoo,captainOtter?

Daup.Byanymeans,sir.

Ott.Yes,sir,Idomeanit:butIwouldentreatmycousinsirAmorous,andyou,gentlemen,tobesuitorstomyprincess,thatImaycarrymybullandmybear,aswellasmyhorse.

Cler.Thatyoushalldo,captainOtter.

La-F.Mycousinwillneverconsent,gentlemen.

Daup.Shemustconsent,sirAmorous,toreason.

La-F.Why,shesaystheyarenodecorumamongladies.

Ott.Buttheyaredecora,andthat'sbetter,sir.

Cler.Ay,shemusthearargument.DidnotPasiphae",whowasaqueen,loveabull?andwasnotCalisto,themotherofAreas,turn'dintoabear,andmadeastar,mistressUrsula,intheheavens?

Ott.Olord!thatIcouldhavesaidasmuch!IwillhavethesestoriespaintedintheBear-garden,exOvidiimelamorphosi.

Daup.Whereisyourprincess,captain?pray,beourleader.

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Ott.ThatIshall,sir.

Cler.Makehaste,goodsirAmorous.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—ARoominMOROSE'sHouse.EnterMOROSE,EPICCENE,Parson,andCTJTBEARD.

Mor.Sir,there'sanangelforyourself,andabraceofangelsforyourcold.Musenotatthismanageofmybounty.Itisfitweshouldthankfortune,doubletonature,foranybenefitsheconfersuponus;besides,itisyourimperfection,butmysolace.

Par.[speaksashavingacold.'}Ithankyourworship;soitismine,now.

Mor.Whatsayshe,Cutbeard?

Cut.Hesays,prcesto,sir,whensoeveryourworshipneedshim,hecanbereadywiththelike.Hegotthiscoldwithsittinguplate,andsingingcatcheswithcloth-workers.

Mor.Nomore.Ithankhim.

Par.Godkeepyourworship,andgiveyoumuchjoywithyourfairspouse!—uh!uh!uh!

Mor.0,0!stay,Cutbeard!lethimgivemefiveshillingsofmymoneyback.Asitisbountytorewardbenefits,soitisequitytomulctinjuries.Iwillhaveit.Whatsayshe?

Cler.Hecannotchangeit,sir.

Mor.Itmustbechanged.

Cut.Coughagain.[AsidetoParson.

Mor.Whatsayshe?

Cut.Hewillcoughouttherest,sir.

Par.Uh,uh,uh!

Mor.Away,awaywithhim!stophismouth!away!Iforgiveit.—[ExitCut.thrustingoutthePar.

Epi.Fie,masterMorose,thatyouwillusethisviolencetoamanofthechurch.

Mor.How!

Epi.Itdoesnotbecomeyourgravity,orbreeding,asyoupretend,incourt,tohaveoffer'dthisoutrageonawaterman,oranymoreboisterouscreature,muchlessonamanofhiscivilcoat.

Mor.Youcanspeakthen!

Epi.Yes,sir.

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Mor.Speakout,Imean.

Epi.Ay,sir.Why,didyouthinkyouhadmarriedastatue,oramotiononly?oneoftheFrenchpuppets,withtheeyesturn'dwithawire?orsomeinnocentoutofthehospital,thatwouldstandwithherhandsthus,andaplaisemouth,andlookuponyou?

Mor.0immodesty!amanifestwoman!What,Cutbeard!

Epi.Nay,neverquarrelwithCutbeard,sir;itistoolatenow.IconfessitdothbatesomewhatofthemodestyIhad,whenIwritsimplymaid:butIhopeIshallmakeitastockstillcompetenttotheestateanddignityofyourwife.

Mor.ShecantalkIEpi.Yes,indeed,sir.

EnterMUTE.

Mor.Whatsirrah!Noneofmyknavesthere?whereisthisimpostorCutbeard?[Mute,makessigns.

Epi.Speaktohim,fellow,speaktohim!I'llhavenoneofhiscoacted,unnaturaldumbnessinmyhouse,inafamilywhereIgovern.[ExitMute.

Mor.Sheismyregentalready!IhavemarriedaPenthesilea,aSemiramis;soldmylibertytoadistaff.

EnterTBUEWIT.

True.Where'smasterMorose?

Mor.Ishecomeagain!Lordhavemercyuponme!

True.Iwishyoualljoy,mistressEpiccene,withyourgraveandhonourablematch.

Epi.Ireturnyouthethanks,masterTruewit,sofriendlyawishdeserves.

Mor.Shehasacquaintance,too!

True.Godsaveyou,sir,andgiveyouallcontentmentinyourfairchoice,here!Before,Iwasthebirdofnighttoyou,theowl;butnowIamthemessengerofpeace,adove,andbringyouthegladwishesofmanyfriendstothecelebrationofthisgoodhour.

Mor.Whathour,sir?

True.Yourmarriagehour,sir.Icommendyourresolution,that,notwithstandingallthedangersIlaidaforeyou,inthevoiceofanight-crow,wouldyetgoon,andbeyourself.Itshewsyouareamanconstanttoyourownends,anduprighttoyourpurposes,thatwouldnotbeputoffwithleft-handedcries.

Mor.Howshouldyouarriveattheknowledgeofsomuch?

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True.Why,didyoueverhope,sir,committingthesecrecyofittoabarber,thatlessthanthewholetownshouldknowit?youmightaswellhavetoldittheconduit,orthebake-house,ortheinfantrythatfollowthecourt,andwithmoresecurity.Couldyourgravityforgetsooldandnotedaremnant,as,lippisettonsoribusnotum?Well,sir,forgiveityourselfnow,thefault,andbecommunicablewithyourfriends.Herewillbethreeorfourfashionableladiesfromthecollegetovisityoupresently,andtheirtrainofminionsandfollowers.

Mor.Barmydoors!barmydoors!Whereareallmyeaters?mymouths,now?—

EnterServants.

Barupmydoors,youvarlets!

Epi.Heisavarl«tthatstirstosuchanoffice.Letthemstandopen.Iwouldseehimthatdaresmovehiseyestowardit.ShallIhaveabarricademadeagainstmyfriends,tobebarr'dofanypleasuretheycanbringintoinewiththeirhonourablevisitation?

[ExeuntSer.

Mor.OAmazonianimpudence!

True.Nay,faith,inthis,sir,shespeaksbutreason;and,me-thinks,ismorecontinentthanyou.Wouldyougotobedsopresently,sir,aforenoon?amanofyourheadandhairshouldowemoretothatreverendceremony,andnotmountthemarriage-bedlikeatown-bull,oramountain-goat;butstaythedueseason;andascenditthenwithreligionandfear.Thosedelightsaretobesteepedinthehumourandsilenceofthenight;andgivethedaytootheropenpleasures,andjollitiesoffeasting,ofmusic,ofrevels,ofdiscourse:we'llhaveall,sir,thatmaymakeyourHymenhighandhappy.

Mor.0mytorment,mytorment!

True.Nay,ifyouendurethefirsthalfhour,sir,sotediously,andwiththisirksomeness;whatcomfortorhopecanthisfairgentlewomanmaketoherselfhereafter,intheconsiderationofsomanyyearsasaretocome

Mor.Ofmyaffliction.Goodsir,depart,andletherdoitalone»

True.Ihavedone,sir.

Mor.Thatcursedbarber.

True.Yes,faith,acursedwretchindeed,sir.

Mor.Ihavemarriedhiscittern,that'scommontoallmen*Someplagueabovetheplague—

True.AllEgypt'stenplagues.

Mor.Revengemeonhim!

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True.'Tisverywell,sir.Ifyoulaidon"acurseortwomore,I'llassureyouhe'llbearthem.As,thathemaygetthepoxwithseekingtocureit,sir;or,thatwhileheiscurlinganotherman'shair,hisownmaydropoff;or,forburningsomemale-bawd'slock,hemayhavehisbrainbeatoutwiththecurlingiron.

Mor.No,letthewretchlivewretched.Mayhegettheitch,andhisshopsolousy,asnomandarecomeathim,norhecomeatnoman!

True.Ay,andifhewouldswallowallhisballsforpills,letnotthempurgehim.

Mor.Lethiswarming-panbeevercold.

True.Aperpetualfrostunderneathit,sir.,

Mor.Lethimneverhopetoseefireagain.

True.Butinhell,sir.

Mor.Hischairsbealwaysempty,hisscissarsrust,andhiscombsmouldintheircases.

True.Verydreadfulthat!Andmayhelosetheinvention,sir,ofcarvinglanternsinpaper.

Mor.Lettherebenobawdcartedthatyear,toemployabasonofhis:butlethimbegladtoeathisspongeforbread.

True.Anddrinklotiumtoit,andmuchgooddohim.

Mor.Or,forwantofbread

True.Eatear-wax,sir.I'llhelpyou.Or,drawhisownteeth,andaddthemtothelute-string.

Mor.No,beattheoldonestopowder,andmakebreadofthem.

True.Yes,makemealofthemill-stones.

Mor.Mayallthebotchesandburnsthathehascuredonothersbreakoutuponhim.

True.Andhenowforgetthecureoftheminhimself,sir;or,ifhedorememberit,lethimhavescrapedallhislinenintolintfor't,andhavenotaraglefthimfortosetupwith.

Mor.Lethimneversetupagain,buthavethegoutinhishandsforever!—Now,nomore,sir.

True.O,thatlastwastoohighset;youmightgolesswithhim,i'faith,andberevengedenough:as,thathebeneverabletonew-painthispole—

Mor.Goodsir,nomore,Iforgotmyself.

True.Or,wantcredittotakeupwithacomb-maker—

Mor.Nomore,sir.

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True.Or,havingbrokenhisglassinaformerdespair,fallnowintoamuchgreater,ofevergettinganother—

Mor.Ibeseechyou,nomore.

True.Or,thatheneverbetrustedwithtrimmingofanybutchimney-sweepers—

Mor.Sir—

True.Or,mayhecutacollier'sthroatwithhisrazor,bychancemedley,andyetbehang'dfor't.

Mor.Iwillforgivehim,ratherthanhearanymore.Ibeseechyou,sir.

EnterDAW,introducingLadyHAUGHTY,CENTAURE,MAVIS,

andTRUSTY.

Daw.Thisway,madam.

Mor.0,theseabreaksinuponme!anotherflood!aninundation!Ishallbeoverwhelmedwithnoise.Itbeatsalreadyatmyshores.Ifeelanearthquakeinmyselffor't.

Daw.'Giveyoujoy,mistress.

Mor.Hassheservantstoo!

Daw.Ihavebroughtsomeladiesheretoseeandknowyou.MyladyHaughty—[ashepresentsthemseverally,Epi.kissesthem.}thismyladyCentaure—mistressDolMavis—mistressTrusty,myladyHaughty'swoman.Where'syourhusband?let'sseehim:canheendurenonoise?letmecometohim.

Mor.Whatnomenclatoristhis!

True.SirJohnDaw,sir,yourwife'sservant,this.

Mor.ADaw,andherservant!O,'tisdecreed,'tisdecroodofme,anshehavesuchservants.[Going.

True.Nay,sir,youmustkisstheladies;youmustnotgoaway,now:theycometowardyoutoseekyouout.

Hau.I'faith,masterMorose,wouldyoustealamarriagethus,inthemidstofsomanyfriends,andnotacquaintus?Well,I'llkissyou,notwithstandingthejusticeofmyquarrel:youshallgivemeleave,mistress,touseabecomingfamiliaritywithyourhusband.

Epi.Yourladyshipdocsmeanhonourinit,toletmeknowhe

issoworthyyourfavour:asyouhavedonebothhimandmegracetovisitsounprepareda

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pairtoentertainyou.

Mor.Compliment!compliment!

Epi.ButImustlaytheburdenofthatuponmyservanthere.

Hau.Itshallnotneed,mistressMorose;wewillallbear,ratherthanoneshallbeopprest.

Mor.Iknowit:andyouwillteachherthefaculty,ifshebetolearnit.[Walksasidewhiletheresttalkapart.

Hau.Isthisthesilentwoman?

Cen.Nay,shehasfoundhertonguesinceshewasmarried,Master

Truewitsays.

Hau.0,masterTruewit!'saveyou.Whatkindofcreatureisyourbridehere?shespeaks,methinks!

True.Yes,madam,believeit,sheisagentlewomanofveryabsolutebehaviour,andofagoodrace.

Hau.AndJackDawtoldusshecouldnotspeak!

True.Soitwascarriedinplot,madam,toputheruponthisoldfellow,bysirDauphine,hisnephew,andoneortwomoreofus:butsheisawomanofanexcellentassurance,andanextraordinaryhappywitandtongue.YoushallseehermakeraresportwithDawerenight.

Hau.Andhebroughtustolaughather!

True.Thatfallsoutoften,madam,thathethatthinkshimselfthemaster-wit,isthemaster-fool.Iassureyourladyship,yecannotlaughather.

Hau.No,we'llhavehertothecollege:Anshehavewit,sheshallbeoneofus,shallshenot,Centaure?we'llmakeheracollegiate.

Cen.Yes,faith,madam,andMavisandshewillsetupaside.

True.Believeit,madam,andmistressMavisshewillsustainherpart.

Mav.I'lltellyouthat,whenIhavetalk'dwithher,andtriedher.

Hau.Useherverycivilly,Mavis.

Mav.SoIwill,madam.[Whispersher.

Mor.Blessedminute!thattheywouldwhisperthusever!

[Aside.

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True.Inthemeantime,madam,wouldbutyourladyshiphelptovexhimalittle:youknowhisdisease,talktohimabouttheweddingceremonies,orcallforyourgloves,or—

Hau.Letmealone.Centaure,helpme.—Masterbridegroom,whereareyou?

Mor.0,itwastoomiraculouslygoodtolast![Aside.

Hau.Weseenoensignsofaweddinghere;nocharacterofabride-ale:wherebeourscarvesandourgloves?Iprayyou,givethemus.Letusknowyourbride'scolours,andyoursatleast.Cen.Alas,madam,hehasprovidednone.Mor.HadIknownyourladyship'spainter,Iwould.Hau.Hehasgivenityou,Centaure,i'faith.Butdoyouhear,masterMorose?ajestwillnotabsolveyouinthismanner.Youthathavesuck'dthemilkofthecourt,andfromthencehavebeen

broughtuptotheverystrongmeatsandwineofit;beenacourtierfromthebiggentothenight-cap,aswemaysay,andyoutooffendinsuchahighpointofceremonyasthis,andletyournuptialswantallmarksofsolemnity!Howmuchplatehaveyoulostto-day,(ifyouhadbutregardedyourprofit,)whatgifts,whatfriends,throughyourmererusticity!

M<>r.Madam—

Hau.Pardonme,sir,Imustinsinuatevourerrorstovou:no

•/

gloves?nogarters?noscarves?noepithalamium?nomasque?

Daw.Yes,madam,I'llmakeanepithalamium,Ipromisemymistress;Ihavebegunitalready:willyourladyshiphearit?

Hau.Ay,goodJackDaw.

J/or.Willitpleaseyourladyshipcommandachamber,andbeprivatewithyourfriend?youshallhaveyourchoiceofroomstoretiretoafter:mywholehouseisyours.Iknowithathbeenyourladyship'serrandintothecityatothertimes,howevernowyouhavebeenunhappilydiverteduponme;butIshallbelothtobreakanyhonourablecustomofyourladyship's.Andtherefore,goodmadam—

Epi.Come,youarearudebridegroom,toentertainladiesofhonourinthisfashion.

Cen.Heisarudegroomindeed.

True.Bythatlightyoudeservetobegrafted,andhaveyourhornsreachfromonesideoftheislandtotheother.—Donotmistakeme,sir;Ibutspeakthistogivetheladiessomeheartagain,notforanymalicetoyou.

J/or.Isthisyourbravo,ladies?

True.AsGod[shall]helpme,ifyouuttersuchanotherword,I'lltakemistressbridein,and

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begintoyouinaverysadcup;doyousee?Goto,knowyourfriends,andsuchasloveyou.

EnterCLERIMONT,followedbyanumberofMusicians.

<'ler.Byyourleave,ladies.Doyouwantanymusic?Ihavebroughtyouvarietyofnoises.Play,sirs,allofyou.

[AsidetotheMusicians,whostrikeupalltogether.

Mor.O,aplot,aplot,aplot,aplot,uponme!thisdayIshallbetheiranviltoworkon,theywillgratemeasunder.'Tisworsethanthenoiseofasaw.

Cler.No,theyarehair,rosin,andguts:Icangiveyouthereceipt.

True.Peace,boys!

Cler.Play!Isay.

True.Peace,rascals!Youseewho'syourfriendnow,sir:takecourage,putonamartyr'sresolution.Mockdownalltheirattemptingswithpatience:'tisbutaday,andIwouldsulTrrheroically.Shouldanassexceedmeinfortitude?no.Youbetrayyourinfirmity\\ithyourhangingdullears,andmaketheminsult:bearupbravely,andconstantly.[La-Foolepass''*overthe.«t(iffi/•/>••aS<wer,fr<lli<n-"l'>>/X<rvantscarryingdidtcx,andMi*1<>tt<r.~*.—Lookyouhere,sir,whathonourisdoneyouunexpected.

byyournephew;awedding-dinnercome,andaknight-sewerbeforeit,forthemorereputation:andfinemistressOtter,yourneighbour,intherumportailofit.

Mor.IsthatGorgon,thatMedusacome!hideme,hideme.

True.Iwarrantyou,sir,shewillnottransformyou.Lookuponherwithagoodcourage.Prayyouentertainher,andconductyourguestsin.No!—Mistressbride,willyouentreatintheladies?yourbridegroomissoshame-faced,here.

Epi.Willitpleaseyourladyship,madam?

Hau.Withthebenefitofyourcompany,mistress.

Epi.Servant,prayyouperformyourduties.

Daw.Andgladtobecommanded,mistress.

Cen.Howlikeyouherwit,Mavis?

Mav.Veryprettily,absolutelywell.

Mrs.Ott.'Tismyplace.

Mav.Youshallpardonme,mistressOtter.

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Mrs.Ott.Why,Iamacollegiate.

Mav.Butnotinordinary.

Mrs.Ott.ButIam.

Mav.We'lldisputethatwithin.[ExeuntLadies.

Cler.Wouldthishadlastedalittlelonger.

True.Andthattheyhadsentfortheheralds.

EnterCaptainOTTER.

—CaptainOtter!whatnews?

Ott.Ihavebroughtmybull,bear,andhorse,inprivate,andyonderarethetrumpeterswithout,andthedrum,gentlemen.

{Thedrumandtrumpetssoundwithin.

Mor.O,O,O!

Ott.Andwewillhavearouseineachofthem,anon,forboldBritons,i'faith.[Theysoundagain.

Mor.0,0,O![Exithastily.

Omnes.Follow,follow,follow![Exeunt.

ACTIV

SCENEI.—ARoominMOROSE'SHouse,.EnterTRUEWITandCLERIMONT.

True.Wasthereeverpoorbridegroomsotormented?orman,indeed?

Cler.Ihavenotreadofthelikeinthechroniclesoftheland.

True.Sure,hecannotbutgotoaplaceofrest,afterallthispurgatory.

Cler.Hemaypresumeit,Ithink.

True.Thespitting,thecoughing,thelaughter,theneezing,thefarting,dancing,noiseofthemusic,andhermasculineandloud

commanding,andurgingthewholefamily,makeshimthinkhehasmarriedafury.

Cler.Andshecarriesitupbravely.

True.Ay,shetakesanyoccasiontospeak:that'stheheighton't.

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Cler.AndhowsoberlyDauphinelabourstosatisfyhim,thatitwasnoneofhisplot!

True.Andhasalmostbroughthimtothefaith,inthearticle.Herehecomes.—

EnterSirDATJPHINE.

Wliereishenow?what'sbecomeofhim,Dauphine?

Daup.O,holdmeupalittle,Ishallgoawayinthejestelse.Hehasgotonhiswholenestofnight-caps,andlock'dhimselfupinthetopofthehouse,ashighaseverhecanclimbfromthenoise.Ipeep'dinatacranny,andsawhimsittingoveracross-beamoftheroof,likehimonthesaddler'shorseinFleet-street,upright:andhewillsleepthere.

Cler.Butwhereareyourcollegiates?

Daup.Withdrawnwiththebrideinprivate.

True.O,theyareinstructingherinthecollege-grammar.Ifshehavegracewiththem,sheknowsalltheirsecretsinstantly.

Cler.MethinkstheladyHaughtylookswellto-day,forallmydispraiseofherinthemorning.Ithink,Ishallcomeabouttotheeagain,Truewit.

True.Believeit,Itoldyouright.Womenoughttorepairthelossestimeandyearshavemadeintheirfeatures,withdressings.Andanintelligentwoman,ifsheknowbyherselftheleastdefect,willbemostcurioustohideit:anditbecomesher.Ifshebeshort,lethersitmuch,lest,whenshestands,shebethoughttosit.Ifshehaveanillfoot,letherwearhergownthelonger,andhershoethethinner.Ifafathand,andscaldnails,lethercarvetheless,andactingloves.Ifasourbreath,letherneverdiscoursefasting,andalwaystalkatherdistance.Ifshehaveblackandruggedteeth,letherofferthelessatlaughter,especiallyifshelaughwideandopen.

('ler.O,youshallhavesomewomen,whentheylaugh,youwouldthinktheybrayed,itissorudeand—

True.Ay,andothers,thatwillstalkintheirgaitlikeanestrich,andtakehugestrides.Icannotenduresuchasight.Ilovemeasureinthefeet,andnumberinthevoice:theyaregentlenesses,thatoftentimesdrawnolessthantheface.

Daup.Howearnestthoutostudythesecreaturessoexactly?Iwouldthouwouldstmakemeaproficient.

True.Yes,butyoumustleavetoliveinyourchamber,then,amonthtogetheruponAmadisdeGaul,orDonQuixote,asyouarewont;andcomeabroadwherethematterisfrequent,tocourt,totiltings,publicshowsandfeasts,toplays,andchurchsometimes:thithertheycometoshewtheirnewtin^too,tosee,andtobeseen.Intheseplacesamanshalltiudwhomtolove,whuuitoplaywith,

whomtotouchonce,whomtoholdever.Thevarietyarrestshisjudgment.Awenchtoplease

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amancomesnotdowndroppingfromtheceiling,asheliesonhisbackdroningatobacco-pipe.Hemustgowheresheis.

Daup.Yes,andbeneverthenearer.

True.Out,heretic!Thatdiffidencemakestheeworthyitshouldbeso.

Cler.Hesaystruetoyou,Dauphine.

Daup.Why?

True.Amanshouldnotdoubttoovercomeanywoman.Thinkhecanvanquishthem,andheshall:forthoughtheydeny,theirdesireistobetempted.Penelopeherselfcannotholdoutlong.Ostend,yousaw,wastakenatlast.Youmustpersever,andholdtoyourpurpose.Theywouldsolicitus,butthattheyareafraid.Howsoever,theywishintheirheartsweshouldsolicitthem.Praisethem,flatterthem,youshallneverwanteloquenceortrust:eventhechastestdelighttofeelthemselvesthatwayrubb'd.Withpraisesyoumustmixkissestoo:iftheytakethem,they'lltakemore—thoughtheystrive,theywouldbeovercome.

Cler.O,butamanmustbewareofforce.

True.Itistothemanacceptableviolence,andhasoft-timestheplaceofthegreatestcourtesy.Shethatmighthavebeenforced,andyoulethergofreewithouttouching,thoughthensheseemtothankyou,willeverhateyouafter;andgladintheface,isassuredlysadattheheart.

Cler.Butallwomenarenottobetakenallways.

True.'Tistrue;nomorethanallbirds,orallfishes.Ifyouappearlearnedtoanignorantwench,orjocundtoasad,orwittytoafoolish,whyshepresentlybeginstomistrustherself.Youmustapproachthemintheirownheight,theirownline;forthecontrarymakesmany,thatfeartocommitthemselvestonobleandworthyfellows,runintotheembracesofarascal.Ifshelovewit,giveverses,thoughyouborrowthemofafriend,orbuythem,tohavegood.Ifvalour,talkofyoursword,andbefrequentinthementionofquarrels,thoughyoubestaunchinfighting.Ifactivity,beseenonyourbarbaryoften,orleapingoverstools,forthecreditofyourback.Ifshelovegoodclothesordressing,haveyourlearnedcouncilaboutyoueverymorning,yourFrenchtailor,barber,linener,etc.Letyourpowder,yourglass,andyourcombbeyourdearestacquaintance.Takemorecarefortheornamentofyourhead,thanthesafety;andwishthecommonwealthrathertroubled,thanahairaboutyou.Thatwilltakeher.Then,ifshebecovetousandcraving,doyoupromiseanything,andperformsparingly;soshallyoukeepherinappetitestill.Seemasyouwouldgive,butbelikeabarrenfield,thatyieldslittle;orunluckydicetofoolishandhopinggamesters.Letyourgiftsbeslightanddainty,ratherthanprecious.Letcunningbeabovecost.Givecherriesattimeofyear,orapricots;andsay,theyweresentyououtofthecountry,thoughyouboughttheminCheapside.Admirehertires:likeher

inallfashions;compareherineveryhabittosomedeity;inventexcellentdreamstoflatterher,andriddles;or,ifshebeagreatone,performalwaysthesecondpartstoher:likewhatshelikes,praisewhomshepraises,andfailnottomakethehouseholdandservantsyours,

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yeathewholefamily,andsalutethembytheirnames,('tisbutlightcost,ifyoucanpurchasethemso,)andmakeherphysicianyourpensioner,andherchiefwoman.Norwillitbeoutofyourgaintomakelovetohertoo,soshefollow,notusherherlady'spleasure.Allblabbingistakenaway,whenshecomestobeapartofthecrime.

Daup.Onwhatcourtlylaphastthoulateslept,tocomeforthsosuddenandabsoluteacourtling?

True.Goodfaith,Ishouldratherquestionyou,thataresohearkeningafterthesemysteries.Ibegintosuspectyourdiligence,Dauphine.Speak,artthouinloveinearnest?

Daup.Yes,bymytroth,amI;'twereilldissemblingbeforethee.

True.Withwhichofthem,Iprithee?

Daup.Withallthecollegiates.

Cler.Outonthee!We'llkeepyouathome,believeit,inthestable,anyoubesuchastallion.

True.No;Ilikehimwell.Menshouldlovewisely,andallwomen;someonefortheface,andletherpleasetheeye;anotherfortheskin,andletherpleasethetouch;athirdforthevoice,andletherpleasetheear;andwheretheobjectsmix,letthesensessotoo.Thouwould'stthinkitstrange,ifIshouldmakethemallinlovewiththeeaforenight!

Daup.Iwouldsay,thouhadstthebestphiltreintheworld,andcouldstdomorethanmadamMedea,ordoctorForeman.

True.IfIdonot,letmeplaythemountebankformymeat,whileIlive,andthebawdformydrink.

Daup.Sobeit,Isay.

EnterOTTER,withhisthreeCups,DAW,andLA-FOOLE.

Oft.Olord,gentlemen,howmyknightsandIhavemistyouhere!

Cler.Why,captain,whatservice,whatservice?

Oii.Toseemebringupmybull,bear,andhorsetofight.

Daw.Yes,faith,thecaptainsays\veshallbehisdogstobaitthem.

Daup.Agoodemployment.

True.Comeon,let'sseeyourcourse,then.

La-F.Iamafraidmycousinwillbeoffended,ifshecome.

Oii.Beafraidofnothing.—Gentlemen,Ihaveplacedthedrumandthetrumpets,andoneto

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givethemthesignwhenyouareready.Here'smybullformyself,andmybearforsirJohnDaw,andmyhorseforsirAmorous.Nowsetyourfoottomine,andyourstohis,and—

La-F.PrayGodmycousincomenot.

OtLSt.George,andSt.Andrew,fearnocousins.Come,sound,sound![Drumandtrumpetssound.]Etrauco.s//<////*//////mrnuficantu.[Theydrink*

True.Wellsaid,captain,i'faith;wellfoughtatthebull.

Cler.Wellheldatthebear.

True.Low,low!captain.

Daup.O,thehorsehaskick'doffhisdogalready.

La-F.Icannotdrinkit,asIamaknight.

True.Odsso!offwithhisspurs,somebody.

La-F.Itgoesagainstmyconscience.Mycousinwillbeangrywithit.

Daw.Ihavedonemine.

True.Youfoughthighandfair,sirJohn.

Cler.Atthehead.

Daup.Likeanexcellentbear-dog.

Cler.Youtakenonoticeofthebusiness,Ihope?

Daw.Notaword,sir;youseewearejovial.

Oil.SirAmorous,youmustnotequivocate.Itmustbepull'ddown,forallmycousin.

Cler.'Sfoot,ifyoutakenotyourdrink,they'llthinkyouarediscontentedwithsomething;you'llbetrayall,ifyoutaketheleastnotice.

La-F.NotI;I'llbothdrinkandtalkthen.

Ott.Youmustpullthehorseonhisknees,sirAmorous;fearnocousins.Jactaestalea.

True.0,nowhe'sinhisvein,andbold.Theleasthintgivenhimofhiswifenow,willmakehimraildesperately.

Cler.Speaktohimofher.

True.Doyou,andI'llfetchhertothehearingofit.[Exit.

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Daup.CaptainHe-Otter,yourShe-Otteriscoming,yourwife.

Ott.Wife!buz?titivilitiumfThere'snosuchthinginnature.Iconfess,gentlemen,Ihaveacook,alaundress,ahouse-drudge,thatservesmynecessaryturns,andgoesunderthattitle;buthe'sanassthatwillbesouxorioustotiehisaffectionstoonecircle.Come,thenamedullsappetite.Here,replenishagain;anotherbout.[Fillsthecupsagain.]Wivesarenasty,sluttishanimals.

Daup.O,captain.

Ott.Asevertheearthbare,tribusverbis.—Where'smasterTruewit?

Daw.He'ssliptaside,sir.

Cler.Butyoumustdrinkandbejovial.

Daw.Yes,giveitme.

La-F.Andmetoo.

Daw.Let'sbejovial.

La-F.Asjovialasyouwill.

Ott.Agreed.Nowyoushallhavethebear,cousin,andsirJohnDawthehorse,andI'llhavethebullstill.Sound,TritonsoftheThames![Drumandtrumpetssoundagain.}Nuncestbibendum,nuncpedelibero—

Mor.[above.]Villains,murderers,sonsoftheearth,andtraitors,whatdoyouthere?

Cler.0,nowthetrumpetshavewakedhim,weshallhavehiscompany.

Oil.Awifeisascurvyclo«jdogdo,anunluckytinner,averyforesaidbear-whelp,withoutanygoodfashionorbreeding,malabestia.

Re-enterTRUEWITbehind,withMistressOTTER.

Daup.Whydidyoumarryonethen,captain?

Ott.Apox!—Imarriedwithsixthousandpound,I.Iwasinlovewiththat.IhavenotkissedmyFurythesefortyweeks.

Cler.Themoretoblameyou,captain.

True.Nay,mistressOtter,hearhimalittlefirst.

Ott.Shehasabreathworsethanmygrandmother's,profedo.

Mrs.Ott.Otreacherousliar!kissme,sweetmasterTruewit,andprovehimaslandering

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knave.

True.I'llratherbelieveyou,lady.

Ott.Andshehasaperukethat'slikeapoundofhemp,madeupinshoe-threads.

Mrs.Ott.0viper,mandrake!

Ott.0mostvileface!andyetshespendsmefortypoundayearinmercuryandhogs-bones.AllherteethweremadeintheBlack-friars,bothhereyebrowsintheStrand,andherhairinSilver-street.Everypartofthetownownsapieceofher.

Mrs.Ott.[comesforward.}Icannothold.

Ott.Shetakesherselfasunderstillwhenshegoestobed,intosometwentyboxes;andaboutnextdaynoonisputtogetheragain,likeagreatGermanclock:andsocomesforth,andringsatediouslarumtothewholehouse,andthenisquietagainforanhour,butforherquarters—Haveyoudonemeright,gentlemen?

Mrs.Ott.[fallsuponhim,andbeatshim.]Xo,sir,I'lldoyourightwithmyquarters,withmyquarters.

Ott.O,hold,goodprincess.

True.Sound,sound![Drumandtrumpetssound.

Cler.Abattle,abattle!

Mrs,Ott.Younotoriousstinkardlybearward,doesmybreathsmell?

ott.T'nrlercorrection,dearprincess.—Looktomybearandmyhorse,gentlemen.

Mr*.Ott.DoIwantteeth,andeyebrows,thoubull-dog?

True.Sound,soundstill.[Theysoundagain.

Ott.Xo,Iprotest,undercorrection—

Mrs.Ott.Ay,nowyouareundercorrection,youprotest:buty>udidnotprotestbeforecorrection,sir.ThouJudas,tooffertobetraythypriu>•••—!I'llmaketheeanexample—[Beatshim.

EnterMOROSEwithhislongsword.

M»r.Iwillhavenosuchexamplesinmyhouse,ladyOtter.Mrs.Ott.Ah!-[M/r*.Olftr,I>"><\midLa-FooU,runoff.

Mar.MistressMiryAmerce,yourexamplesaredangerous.—

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Rogues,hell-hounds,Stentors!outofmydoors,yousonsofnoiseandtumult,begotonanillMay-day,orwhenthegalley-foistisafloattoWestminster![Drivesoutthemusicians.]Atrumpetercouldnotbeconceivedbutthen.

Daup.Whatailsyou,sir?

Mor.Theyhaverentmyroof,walls,andallmywindowsasunder,withtheirbrazenthroats.[Exit.

True.Bestfollowhim,Dauphine.

Daup.SoIwill.[Exit.

Cler.Where'sDawandLa-Foole?

OU.Theyarebothrunaway,sir.Goodgentlemen,helptopacifymyprincess,andspeaktothegreatladiesforme.NowmustIgoliewiththebearsthisfortnight,andkeepoutoftheway,tillmypeacebemade,forthisscandalshehastaken.Didyounotseemybull-head,gentlemen?

Cler.Is'tnoton,captain?

True.No;buthemaymakeanewone,bythatison.

Ott.0,hereitis.Anyoucomeover,gentlemen,andaskforTomOtter,we'llgodowntoRatcliff,andhaveacoursei'faith,forallthesedisasters.Thereisbonaspesleft.

True.Away,captain,getoffwhileyouarewell.[ExitOtter.

Cler.Iamgladweareridofhim.

True.Youhadneverbeen,unlesswehadputhiswifeuponhim.Hishumourisastediousatlast,asitwasridiculousatfirst.

[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—AlongopenGalleryinthesame.

EnterLadyHAUGHTY,MistressOTTER,MAVIS,DAW,LA-FOOLE,

CENTAURE,andEPICCENE.

Hau.Wewonder'dwhyyoushriek'dso,mistressOtter.

Mrs.Ott.Olord,madam,hecamedownwithahugelongnakedweaponinbothhishands,andlook'dsodreadfully!surehe'sbesidehimself.

Mav.Why,whatmadeyouthere,mistressOtter?

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Mrs.Ott.Alas,mistressMavis,Iwaschastisingmysubject,andthoughtnothingofhim.

Daw.Faith,mistress,youmustdosotoo:learntochastise.MistressOttercorrectsherhusbandso,hedaresnotspeakbutundercorrection.

La-F.Andwithhishatofftoher:'twoulddoyougoodtosee.

Hau.Insadness,'tisgoodandmaturecounsel;practiseit,Morose.I'llcallyouMorosestillnow,asIcallCentaureandMavis;wefourwillbeallone.

Cen.Andyou'llcometothecollege,andlivewithus?

Hau.Makehimgivemilkandhoney.

Mav.Lookhowyoumanagehimatfirst,youshallhavehimeverafter.

Cen.Lethimallowyouyourcoach,andfourhorses,yourwoman,

yourchamber-maid,yourpage,yourgentleman-usher,yourFrenchcook,andfourgrooms.

Han.AndgowithustoBedlam,tothechina-houses,andtotheExchange.

Cen.Itwillopenthegatetoyourfame.

Hau.Here'sCentaurehasimmortalisedherself,withtamingofherwildmale.

Mav.Ay,shehasdonethemiracleofthekingdom.

EnterCLERIMONTandTRUEWIT.

Epi.But,ladies,doyoucountitlawfultohavesuchpluralityofservants,anddothemallgraces?

Hau.Whynot?whyshouldwomendenytheirfavourstomen?aretheythepoorerortheworse?

Daw.IstheThamesthelessforthedyers'water,mistress?

La-F.Oratorchforlightingmanytorches?

True.Wellsaid,La-Foole;whatanewonehehasgotl

Cen.Theyareemptylosseswomenfearinthiskind.

Hau.Besides,ladiesshouldbemindfuloftheapproachofage,andletnotimewanthisdueuse.Thebestofourdayspassfirst.

Mav.Wearerivers,thatcannotbecall'dback,madam:shethatnowexcludesherlovers,maylivetolieaforsakenbeldame,inafrozenbed.

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Cen.'Tistrue,Mavis:andwhowillwaitonustocoachthen?orwrite,ortellusthenewsthen,makeanagramsofournames,andinviteustotheCockpit,andkissourhandsalltheplay-time,anddrawtheirweaponsforourhonours?

Hau.Notone.

Daw.Nay,mymistressisnotaltogetherunintelligentofthesethings;herebeinpresencehavetastedofherfavours.

Cler.Whataneighinghobby-horseisthis!

Epi.Butnotwithintenttoboastthemagain,servant.—Andhaveyouthoseexcellentreceipts,madam,tokeepyourselvesfrombearingofchildren?

Hau.0yes,Morose:howshouldwemaintainouryouthandbeautyelse?Manybirthsofawomanmakeherold,asmanycropsmaketheearthbarren.

EnterMOROSEandDAUPHINE.

Mar.Omycursedangel,thatinstructedmetothisfate!

Daup.Why,sir?

M<>r.ThatIshouldbeseducedbysofoolishadevilasabarberwillmake!

Daup.IwouldIhadbeenworthy,sir,tohavepartakenyourcounsel;youshouldneverhavetrustedittosuchaminister.

Mor.WouldIcouldredeemitwiththelossofaneye,nephew,ahand,oranyothermember.

Daup.Marry,(Jodforbid,sir,thatyoushouldgeldyourself,toan^eryourwife.

CJv

Mor.Soitwouldridmeofher!—and,thatIdidsupererogatorypenanceinabelfry,atWestminster-hall,intheCockpit,atthefallofastag,theTower-wharf—whatplaceisthereelse?—London-bridge,Paris-garden,Billinsgate,whenthenoisesareattheirheight,andloudest.Nay,Iwouldsitoutaplay,thatwerenothingbutfightsatsea,drum,trumpet,andtarget.

Daup.Ihopethereshallbenosuchneed,sir.Takepatience,gooduncle.Thisisbutaday,and'tiswellworntoonow.

Mor.O,'twillbesoforever,nephew,Iforeseeit,forever.Strifeandtumultarethedowrythatcomeswithawife.

True.Itoldyouso,sir,andyouwouldnotbelieveme.

Mor.Alas,donotrubthosewounds,masterTruewit,tobloodagain:'twasmynegligence.Add

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notafflictiontoaffliction.Ihaveperceivedtheeffectofit,toolate,inmadamOtter.

Epi.Howdoyou,sir?

Mor.Didyoueverhearamoreunnecessaryquestion?asifshedidnotsee!Why,Idoasyousee,empress,empress.

Epi.Youarenotwell,sir;youlookveryill:somethinghasdistemper'dyou.

Mor.0horrible,monstrousimpertinencies!wouldnotoneofthesehaveserved,doyouthink,sir?wouldnotoneofthesehaveserved?

True.Yes,sir;butthesearebutnotesoffemalekindness,sir;certaintokensthatshehasavoice,sir.

Mor.O,isitso!Come,an'tbenootherwise——Whatsayyou?

Epi.Howdoyoufeelyourself,sir?

Mor.Againthat!

True.Nay,lookyou,sir,youwouldbefriendswithyourwifeuponunconscionableterms;hersilence.

Epi.Theysayyouarerunmad,sir.

Mor.Notforlove,Iassureyou,ofyou;doyousee?

Epi.Olord,gentlemen!layholdonhim,forGod'ssake.WhatshallIdo?who'shisphysician,canyoutell,thatknowsthestateofhisbodybest,thatImightsendforhim?Goodsir,speak;I'llsendforoneofmydoctorselse.

Mor.What,topoisonme,thatImightdieintestate,andleaveyoupossestofall!

Epi.Lord,howidlyhetalks,andhowhiseyessparkle!helooksgreenaboutthetemples!doyouseewhatbluespotshehas!

Cler.Ay,'tismelancholy.

Epi.Gentlemen,forHeaven'ssake,counselme.Ladies;—servant,youhavereadPlinyandParacelsus;ne'erawordnowtocomfortapoorgentlewoman?Ayme,whatfortunehadI,tomarryadistractedman!

Daw.I'lltellyou,mistress—

True.Howrarelysheholdsitup![AsidetoCler.

Mor.Whatmeanyou,gentlemen?

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Epi.Whatwillyoutellme,servant?

Daw.ThediseaseinGreekiscalled/uaiua,inLatininsania,furor,

velecstasismelancholica,thatis,egressio,whenamanexmelancholicoevaditfanaticus.

Mor.ShallIhavealecturereaduponmealive?

Daw.Buthemaybebutphreneticusyet,mistress;andphrenetisitonlydelirium,orso.

Epi.Ay,thatisforthedisease,servant;butwhatisthistothecure?Wearesureenoughofthedisease.

Mor.Letmego.

True.Why,we'llentreathertoholdherpeace,sir.

Mor.Ono,labournottostopher.Sheislikeaconduit-pipe,thatwillgushoutwithmoreforcewhensheopensagain.

Hau.I'lltellyou,Morose,youmusttalkdivinitytohimaltogether,ormoralphilosophy.

La-F.Ay,andthere'sanexcellentbookofmoralphilosophy,madam,ofReynardtheFox,andallthebeasts,calledDoni'sPhilosophy.

Cen.Thereisindeed,sirAmorousLa-Foole.

Mor.Omisery!

La-F.Ihavereadit,myladyCentaure,allover,tomycousinhere.

Mrs.Oil.Ay,and'tisaverygoodbookasanyis,ofthemoderns.

Daw.Tut,hemusthaveSenecareadtohim,andPlutarch,andtheancients;themodernsarenotforthisdisease.

Cler.WThy,youdiscommendedthemtoo,to-day,sirJohn.

Daw.Ay,insomecases:butinthesetheyarebest,andAristotle'sethics.

Mav.Sayyouso,sirJohn?Ithinkyouaredeceived;youtookitupontrust.

Hau.Where'sTrusty,mywoman?I'llendthisdifference.Iprithee,Otter,callher.Herfatherandmotherwerebothmad,whentheyputhertome.

Mor.Ithinkso.—Nay,gentlemen,Iamtame.Thisisbutanexercise,Iknow,amarriageceremony,whichImustendure.

Hau.Andoneofthem,Iknownotwhich,wascuredwiththeSickMan'sSalve,andtheotherwithGreen'sGroat's-worthofWit.

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True.Averycheapcure,madam.

EnterTRUSTY*

Hau.Ay,'tisveryfeasible.

Mrs.Oil.Myladycall'dforyou,mistressTrusty:youmustdecideacontroversy.

Hau.0,Trusty,whichwasityousaid,yourfather,oryourmother,thatwascuredwiththeSickMan'sSalve?

Trus.Mymother,madam,withtheSalve.

True.Thenitwasthesickwoman'ssalve?

Trus.AndmyfatherwiththeGroat's-worthofWit.Buttherewasothermeansused:wehadapreacherthatwouldpreachfolkasleepstill;andsotheywereprescribedtogotochurch,byanoldwomanthatwastheirphysician,thriceaweek—

Epi.Tosleep?

Trus.Yes,forsooth:andeverynighttheyreadthemselvesasleeponthosebooks.

Epi,Goodfaith,itstandswithgreatreason.IwouldIknewwheretoprocurethosebooks.

Mor.Oh!

La-F.Icanhelpyouwithoneofthem,mistressMorose,theGroat's-worthofWit.

Epi.ButIshalldisfurnishyou,sirAmorous:canyouspareit?

La-F.Oyes,foraweek,orso;I'llreaditmyselftohim.

Epi.No,Imustdothat,sir;thatmustbemyoffice.

Mor.Oh,oh!

Epi.Surehewoulddowellenough,ifhecouldsleep.

Mor.No,Ishoulddowellenough,ifyoucouldsleep.HaveInofriendthatwillmakeherdrunk,orgiveheralittlelaudanum,oropium?

True.Why,sir,shetalkstentunesworseinhersleep.

Mor.How!

Cler.Doyounotknowthat,sir?neverceasesallnight.

True.Andsnoreslikeaporpoise.

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Mor.Oredeemme,fate;redeemme,fate!Forhowmanycausesmayamanbedivorced,nephew?

Daup.Iknownot,truly,sir.

True.Somedivinemustresolveyouinthat,sir,orcanon-lawyer.

Mor.Iwillnotrest,Iwillnotthinkofanyotherhopeorcomfort,tillIknow.[ExitwithDauphine.

Cler.Alas,poorman!

True.You'llmakehimmadindeed,ladies,ifyoupursuethis.

Hau.No,we'lllethimbreathenow,aquarterofanhourorso.

Cler.Bymyfaith,alargetruce!

Hau.Isthathiskeeper,thatisgonewithhim?

Daw.Itishisnephew,madam.

La-F.SirDauphineEugenie.

Cen.Helookslikeaverypitifulknight—

Daw.Ascanbe.Thismarriagehasputhimoutofall.

La-F.Hehasnotapennyinhispurse,madam.

Daw.Heisreadytocryallthisday.

La-F.Averyshark;hesetmeinthenickt'othernightatPrirnero.

True.Howtheseswabberstalk!

Cler.Ay,Otter'swinehasswell'dtheirhumoursaboveaspringtide.

Hau.GoodMorose,let'sgoinagain.Ilikeyourcouchesexceedingwell;we'llgolieandtalkthere.

[ExeuntHau.,Cen.,Mav.,Trus.,La-Foole,andDaw.

Epi.[followingthem.]Iwaitonyou,madam.

True,[stoppingher.]'Slight,Iwillhavethemassilentassigns,andtheirposttoo,ereIhavedone.Doyouhear,lady-bride?Ipraytheenow,asthouartanoblewench,continuethisdiscourse

ofDauphinewithin;butpraisehimexceedingly:magnifyhimwithalltheheightofaffection

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thoucanst;—Ihavesomepurposein't:andbutbeatoffthesetworooks,JackDawandhisfellow,withanydiscontentment,hither,andI'llhonourtheeforever.

Epi.Iwasaboutithere.Itangeredmetothesoul,tohearthembegintotalksomalepert.

True.Praytheeperformit,andthouwinn'stmeanidolatertotheeeverlasting.

Epi.Willyougoinandhearmedo't?

True.No,I'llstayhere.Drivethemoutofyourcompany,'tisallIask;whichcannotbeanywaybetterdone,thanbyextollingDauphine,whomtheyhavesoslighted.

Epi.Iwarrantyou;youshallexpectoneofthempresently.

[Exit.

Cler.Whatacastofkestrilsarethese,tohawkafterladies,thus!

True.Ay,andstrikeatsuchaneagleasDauphine.

Cler.Hewillbemadwhenwetellhim.Herehecomes.

Re-enterDAUPHINE.

Cler.Osir,youarewelcome.

True.Where'sthineuncle?

Daup.Runoutofdoorsinhisnight-caps,totalkwithacasuistabouthisdivorce.Itworksadmirably.

True.Thouwouldsthavesaidso,anthouhadstbeenhere!Theladieshavelaugh'dattheemostcomically,sincethouwent'st,Dauphine.

Cler.Andask'd,ifthouwertthineuncle'skeeper.

True.Andthebraceofbaboonsanswer'd,Yes;andsaidthouwertapitifulpoorfellow,anddidstliveuponposts,andhadstnothingbutthreesuitsofapparel,andsomefewbenevolencesthatthelordsgavetheetofooltothem,andswagger.

Daup.Letmenotlive,I'llbeatthem:I'llbindthembothtogrand-madam'sbed-posts,andhavethembaitedwithmonkies.

True.Thoushaltnotneed,theyshallbebeatentothyhand,Dauphine.Ihaveanexecutiontoserveuponthem,Iwarrantthee,shallserve;trustmyplot.

Daup.Ay,youhavemanyplots!soyouhadonetomakeallthewenchesinlovewithme.

True.Why,ifIdoitnotyetaforenight,asnearas'tis,andthattheydonoteveryoneinvite

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thee,andbereadytoscratchforthee,takethemortgageofmywit.

Cler.'ForeGod,I'llbehiswitnessthoushalthaveit,Dauphine:thoushaltbehisfoolforever,ifthoudostnot.

True.Agreed.Perhaps'twillbethebetterestate.Doyouobservethisgallery,orratherlobby,indeed?Hereareacoupleofstudies,ateachendone:herewillIactsuchatragi-comedybetweentheGuelphsandtheGhibellines,DawandLa-Foole—whichofthemcomesoutfirst,willIseizeon;—youtwoshallbethechorusbehindthearras,andwhipoutbetweentheactsandspeak

—IfIdonotmakethemkeepthepeaceforthisremnantoftheday,

ifnotoftheyear,Ihavefailedonce1hearDawcoming:hide,

[theywithdraw]anddonotlaugh,forGod'ssake.

Re-enterDAW.

Daw.Whichisthewayintothegarden,trow?

True.O,JackDaw!IamgladIhavemetwithyou.Ingoodfaith,Imusthavethismattergonofurtherbetweenyou:Imusthaveittakenup.

Daw.Whatmatter,sir?betweenwhom?

True.Come,youdisguiseit:sirAmorousandyou.Ifyouloveme,Jack,youshallmakeuseofyourphilosophynow,forthisonce,anddelivermeyoursword.ThisisnottheweddingtheCentaurswereat,thoughtherebeasheonehere.[Takeshissword.]ThebridehasentreatedmeIwillseenobloodshedatherbridal:yousawherwhispermeerewhile.

Daw.AsIhopetofinishTacitus,Iintendnomurder.

True.DoyounotwaitforsirAmorous?

Daw.NotI,bymyknighthood.

True.Andyourscholarshiptoo?

Daw.Andmyscholarshiptoo.

True.Goto,thenIreturnyouyoursword,andaskyoumercy;butputitnotup,foryouwillbeassaulted.Iunderstoodthatyouhadapprehendedit,andwalkedheretobravehim;andthatyouhadheldyourlifecontemptible,inregardofyourhonour.

Daw.No,no;nosuchthing,Iassureyou.HeandIpartednow,asgoodfriendsascouldbe.

True.Trustnotyoutothatvisor.Isawhimsincedinnerwithanotherface:Ihaveknownmanymeninmytimevex'dwithlosses,withdeaths,andwithabuses;butsooffendeda

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wightassirAmorous,didIneverseeorreadof.Fortakingawayhisguests,sir,to-day,that'sthecause;andhedeclaresitbehindyour

backwithsuchthreateningsandcontemptsHesaidtoDau-

phine,youwerethearrant'stass—

Daw.Ay,hemaysayhispleasure.

True.Andswearsyouaresoprotestedacoward,thatheknowsyouwillneverdohimanymanlyorsingleright;andthereforehewilltakehiscourse.

Daw.I'llgivehimanysatisfaction,sir—butfighting.

True.Ay,sir:butwhoknowswhatsatisfactionhe'lltake:bloodhethirstsfor,andbloodhewillhave;andwhereaboutsonyouhewillhaveit,whoknowsbuthimself?

Daw.Iprayyou,masterTruewit,beyouamediator.

True.Well,sir,concealyourselftheninthisstudytillIreturn.[Putshimintothestudy.]Nay,youmustbecontenttobelock'din;for,formineownreputation,Iwouldnothaveyouseentoreceiveapublicdisgrace,whileIhavethematterinmanaging.Odsso,herehecomes;keepyourbreathclose,thathedonothearyousigh.—Ingoodfaith,sirAmorous,heisnotthisway;Iprayyou

bemerciful,donotmurderhim;heisa,Christian,asgoodasyou:youarearm'dasifyousoughtrevengeonallhisrace.GoodDauphine,gethimawayfromthisplace.Ineverknewaman'scholersohigh,buthewouldspeaktohisfriends,hewouldhearreason.—JackDaw,Jack!asleep!

Daw.[within.]Ishegone,masterTruewit?

True.Ay;didyouhearhim?

Daw.Olord!yes.

True.Whataquickearfearhas!

Daw.[comesoutoftheclosest.]Butishesoarm'd,asyousay?

True.Arm'd!didyoueverseeafellowsetouttotakepossession?

Daw.Ay,sir.

True.Thatmaygiveyousomelighttoconceiveofhim;but'tisnothingtotheprincipal.Somefalsebrotherinthehousehasfurnish'dhimstrangely;or,ifitwereoutofthehouse,itwasTomOtter.

Daw.Indeedhe'sacaptain,andhiswifeishiskinswoman.

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True.Hehasgotsomebody'soldtwo-handswTord,tomowyouoffattheknees;andthatswordhathspawn'dsuchadagger!—Butthenheissohungwithpikes,halberds,petronels,caliversandmuskets,thathelookslikeajusticeofpeace'shall;amanoftwothousanda-yearisnotcess'datsomanyweaponsashehason.Therewasneverfencerchallengedatsomanyseveralfoils.YouwouldthinkhemeanttomurderallSt.Pulchreparish.Ifhecouldbutvictualhimselfforhalfa-yearinhisbreeches,heissufficientlyarm'dtoover-runacountry.

Daw.Goodlord!whatmeanshe,sir?Iprayyou,masterTruewit,beyouamediator.

True.Well,I'lltryifhewillbeappeasedwithalegoranarm;ifnotyoumustdieonce.

Daw.Iwouldbelothtolosemyrightarm,forwritingmadrigals.

True.Why,ifhewillbesatisfiedwithathumboralittlefinger,all'sonetome.Youmustthink,I'lldomybest.

[Shutshimupagain.

Daw.Goodsir,do.[ChrimontandDauphinecomeforward.

Cler.WThathastthoudone?

True.Hewillletmedonothing,hedoesallafore;heoffershisleftarm.

Cler.HisloftwingforaJackDaw.

Daup.Takeitbyallmeans.

True.How!maimamanforever,forajest?Whataconsciencehastthou!

Daup.'Tisnolosstohim:hehasnoemploymentforhisarms,buttoeatspoon-meat.Beside,asgoodmaimhisbodyashisreputation.

True.Heisascholarandawit,andyethedocsnotthinkso.Buthelosesnoreputationwithus;forweallresolvedhimanassbefore.Toyourplacesagain.

Cler.Ipraythee,letbemeinattheoilieralittle.

~k.you'llspoilall;thesebeeveryourtricks.Chr.Xo,butIcouldhitofsomethingsthatthouwiltmiss,andthouwiltsavaregoodones.

^

True.Iwarrantyou.Iprayforbear,I'llleaveitoff,else.Daup.Comeaway,Clerimont.

[Daup.andCler.withdrawasbefore.

EnterLA-FOOLE.

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True.SirAmorous!

La-F.MasterTruewit.

True.Whitherwereyougoing?

La-F.Downintothecourttomakewater.

True.Bynomeans,sir;youshallrathertemptyourbreeches.

Li-F.Why.air!

True.Enterhere,ifyouloveyourlife.

[Openingthedooroftheotherstudy.La-F.Whv?whv?

L«.

True.Questiontillyourthroatbecut,do:dallytilltheenragedsoulfindyou.

La-F.Whoisthat?

True.Dawitis:willvouin?

*

La-F.Ay,ay,I'llin:what'sthematter?

True.Xay,ifhehadbeencoolenoughtotellusthat,therehadbeensomehopetoatoneyou;butheseemssoimplacablyenraged!

La-F.'Slight,lethimrage!I'llhidemyself.

True.Do,goodsir.Butwhathaveyoudonetohimwithin,thatshouldprovokehimthus?Youhavebrokesomejestuponhimaforetheladies.

La-F.XotI,neverinmylife,brokejest-uponanyman.ThebridewaspraisingsirDauphine,andhewentawayinsnuff,andI-..jwedhim;unlesshetookoffenceatmeinhisdrinkerewhile,thatIwouldnotpledgeallthehorsefull.

True.Bvmvfaith,andthatmavbe;vourememberwell:but

•fV«.

hewalkstheroundupanddown,througheveryroomo'thehouse,withatowelinhishand,crying,Where'sLa-Foole?WhosawLi-Fo:.1'.?AndwhenDauphineandIdemandedthecause,wecanforcenoanswerfromhim,but—0revenge,nowsu-tetartthou.'Iicillstranglehiminthistowd—whichleadsustoconjecturethatthemaincauseofhisfuryis,forbringingyourmeatto-day,withatowelaboutyou,tohis'discredit.

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La-F.Likeenough.Why,anhebeangryforthat,I'llstayheretillhisangerbeblownover.

True.Agoodbecomingresolution,sir;ifyoucanputitono'thesudden.

La-F.Yes.Icanputiton:or,I'llawayintothecountrypresently.

True.Howwillyougooutofthehouse,sir?heknowsyouareinthehouse,andhe'llwatchthisse'ennight,buthe'llhaveyou:he'lloutwaitaserjeantforyou.

La-F.Why,thenI'llstayh

Youmustthinkh'rrselfintimc

La-F.Why.sweetmasterTmewit,willyouentreatn:Ottertosendmeacoldvenison:abottleortwoofwine,

andachamber-pot?

True,Astoolwerebetter,sir,ofsir.-:ivention.

La-F.Ay.thatwillbebetter,indeed;andapallattolieOEL

TrIwouldnotadviseyoutosleepbyanyL

La-F.Wouldyounot.sir?Why,thenIwilln

!>;,€.Yet.there'sanotherfear—

La-F.Isthere!whatis't?

True.X'~.hecannotbreakopenthisdoorwit:'-:I

La-F.I'llsetmybackagainstit,sir.Ita-:odbe.

True.Butthen'ifheshouldbatter.

La-F.Batter!ifhedare,Tilhaveanactionof_

him,

True.Castyoutheworst.Hehassentforpowderalready.:whathewilld'owithit,nomanknows:perhapsblowupthecornerofthehousewherehesuspectsyouare.Herehecomes;inquickly.[Thrust*inLa-Foohandshut?ther-'_—I-.sirJohnI

heisnotthisway:whatwillyoudo?Be:-hall

hansnopetardhere:Tildierather.Willyounottakemyword?Ineverknewonebutwouldbesatisied.—SirAmorous,[sptaksthroughtk-.'there'snostandin_hehasmadeapetard

ofanoldbrasspot.toforceyourdoor.TV.inkuponson_-fac-

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tion,ortermstoofferhim.

La-F.[tritk.]Sir,I'lldvebimanysatisfaction:Ianyter

True.You'llleaveittomether.?

La-F.Ay.sir:I'llstandtoanyconditions,

True,[beckoningfoncardCler.andDaup.~\Hownow,--thinkyou,sirs?were'tnotadifficultthingtodeterminewhic.thesetwofear'dm>

Cler.Yes.butthisfearsthebravest:the

dastard.JackDaw!ButLa-Foole.abravehe:-d!andis

afraidinagreatlookandastoutaccent;Ilikehimran

True.Haditnotbeenpi?etwoshoul.;>eenconcealed?

Cler.ShallImakeamotion?

True.Briefly:forImuststrikewhi1

Cler.ShallIgofetchtheladiestothecatastroph-?

True.Urnph!ay.bymytroth.

.Bynomortalmeans.Letthen:•:ce,anderrstill:thinkthemwitsandfinefellITS,havedone.'Tweresintoreformthem.

Truf.Well.Iwillhavethemfetch'd.nowIdunkfora

privatepurposeofmine:do.Clerimc:tothemallthat.andbringthemintothe_

••r.TV.:-•>thyextremevanity,now:-wertundone,ifeveryje-'rtwerenotpublished.

True.Thoushaltseehowunjustthouartpresently.Clerimont,sayitwasDauphine'splot.[ExitClerimont.]Trustmenot,ifthewholedriftbenotforthygood.Thereisacarpetinthenextroom,putiton,withthisscarfoverthyface,andacushiononthyhead,andbereadywhenIcallAmorous.Away![ExitDaup.]JohnDaw![GoestoDaw'sclosetandbringshimout.

Daw.Whatgoodnews,sir?

True.Faith,Ihavefollowedandarguedwithhimhardforyou.Itoldhimyouwereaknight,andascholar,andthatyouknewfortitudedidconsistmagispatiendoquamfaciendo,magisferendoquamferiendo.

Daw.Itdothsoindeed,sir.

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True.Andthatyouwouldsuffer,Itoldhim:soatfirsthedemandedbymytroth,inmyconceit,toomuch.

Daw.Whatwasit,sir?

True.Yourupperlip,andsixofyourfore-teeth.

Daio.'Twasunreasonable.

True.Nay,Itoldhimplainly,youcouldnotsparethemall.Soafterlongargumentproetcon.asyouknow,Ibroughthimdowntoyourtwobutter-teeth,andthemhewouldhave.

Daw.O,didyouso?Why,heshallhavethem.

True.Butheshallnot,sir,byyourleave.Theconclusionisthis,sir:becauseyoushallbeverygoodfriendshereafter,andthisnevertoberememberedorupbraided;besides,thathemaynotboasthehasdoneanysuchthingtoyouinhisownperson;heistocomehereindisguise,giveyoufivekicksinprivate,sir,takeyourswordfromyou,andlockyouupinthatstudyduringpleasure:whichwillbebutalittlewhile,we'llgetitreleasedpresently.

Daw.Fivekicks!heshallhavesix,sir,tobefriends.

True.Believeme,youshallnotover-shootyourself,tosendhimthatwordbyme.

Daw.Deliverit,sir;heshallhaveitwithallmyheart,tobefriends.

True.Friends!Nay,anheshouldnotbeso,andheartilytoo,upontheseterms,heshallhavemetoenemywhileIlive.Come,sir,bearitbravely.

Daw.0lord,sir,'tisnothing.

True.True:what'ssixkickstoamanthatreadsSeneca?

Daw.Ihavehadahundred,sir.

True.SirAmorous!

Re-enterDAUPHINE,disguised.

Nospeakingonetoanother,orrehearsingoldmatters.

Daw.[asDaup.kickshim.]One,two,three,four,five.Iprotest,sirAmorous,youshallhavesix.

True.Nay,Itoldyou,youshouldnottalk.Comegivehimsix,anhewillneeds.[Dauphinekickshimagain.]—Yoursword.[Takeshissword.]Nowreturntoyoursafecustody;youshallpresentlymeetaforetheladies,andbethedearestfriendsonetoanother.

[PutsDawintothestudy.'}—Givemethescarfnow,thoushaltbeattheotherbare-faced.

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Standby:[Dauphineretires,andTruewitgoestotheothercloset,andreleasesLa-Foole.]—SirAmorous!

La-F.What'3here!Asword?

True.Icannothelpit,withoutIshouldtakethequarreluponmyself.Herehehassentyouhissword—

La-F.I'llreceivenoneon't.

True.Andhewillsyoutofastenitagainstawall,andbreakyourheadinsomefewseveralplacesagainstthehilts.

La-F.Iwillnot:tellhimroundly.Icannotenduretoshedmyownblood.

True.Willyounot?

La-F.No.I'llbeatitagainstafairflatwall,ifthatwillsatisfyhim:ifnot,heshallbeatithimself,forAmorous.

True.Why,thisisstrangestartingoff,whenamanundertakesforyou!Ioffer'dhimanothercondition;willyoustandtothat?

La-F.Ay,whatis't?

True.Thatyouwillbebeateninprivate.

La-F.Yes,Iamcontent,attheblunt.

Enter,above,HAUGHTY,CEXTAURE,MAVIS,MistressOTTER,

EPICCENE,andTRUSTY.

True.Thenyoumustsubmityourselftobehoodwinkedinthisscarf,andbeledtohim,wherehewilltakeyourswordfromyou,andmakeyoubearablowoverthemouth,gules,andtweaksbythenosesansnombre.

La-F.Iamcontent.ButwhymustIbeblinded?

True.That'sforyourgood,sir;because,ifheshouldgrowinsolentuponthis,andpublishithereaftertoyourdisgrace,(whichIhopehewillnotdo,)youmightswearsafely,andprotest,heneverbeatyou,toyourknowledge.

La-F.O,Iconceive.

True.Idonotdoubtbutyou'llbeperfectgoodfriendsupon't,andnotdaretoutteranillthoughtoneofanotherinfuture.

La-F.NotI,asGodhelpme,ofhim.

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True.Norheofyou,sir.Ifheshould,[bindshiseyes.'}—Come,sir.[leadshimforward.]—Allhid,sirJohn!

EnterDAUIMIINE,andtweakshimbythenose.

La-F.O,sirJohn,sirJohn!Oh,o-o-o-o-o-Oh—True.GoodsirJohn,leavetweaking,you'llblowhisnoseoff.—'TissirJohn'spleasure,youshouldretireintothestudy.[Putshimupagain.]—Why,nowyouarefriends.Allbitternessbetweenyou,Ihope,isburied;youshallcomeforthbyandby,DamonandI'ythiasupon't,andembracewithalltheranknossoffriendshipth.itcanbe.—Itru~t,\vcshallhavethemtamerintheirlaivjua^ehereafter.Dauphine,Iworshipthce.—God'swill,theladieshavesurprisedin!

EnterHAUGHTY,CENTAURE,MAVIS,MistressOTTER,EPICCEXE,

andTRUSTY,behind.

Hau.Centaure,howourjudgmentswereimposedonbytheseadulterateknights!

Cen.Nay,madam,Maviswasmoredeceivedthanwe;'twashercommendationutter'dtheminthecollege.

Mav.Icommendedbuttheirwits,madam,andtheirbraveries.Ineverlook'dtowardtheirvalours.

Hau.SirDauphineisvaliant,andawittoo,itseems.

Mav.Andabraverytoo.

Hau.Wasthishisproject?

Mrs.Ott.SomasterClerimontintimates,madam.

Hau.GoodMorose,whenyoucometothecollege,willyoubringhimwithyou?heseemsaveryperfectgentleman.

Epi.Heisso,madam,believeit.

Cen.Butwhenwillyoucome,Morose?

Epi.Threeorfourdayshence,madam,whenIhavegotmeacoachandhorses.

Hau.No,to-morrow,goodMorose;Centaureshallsendyouhercoach.

Mav.Yesfaith,do,andbringsirDauphinewithyou.

Hau.Shehaspromisedthat,Mavis.

Mav.Heisaveryworthygentlemaninhisexteriors,madam.

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Hau.Ay,heshewsheisjudicialinhisclothes.

Cen.Andyetnotsosuperlativelyneatassome,madam,thathavetheirfacessetinabrake.

Hau.Ay,andhaveeveryhairinform.

Mav.Thatwearpurerlinenthanourselves,andprofessmoreneatnessthantheFrenchhermaphrodite!

Epi.Ay,ladies,they,whattheytelloneofus,havetoldathousand;andaretheonlythievesofourfame,butthinktotakeuswiththatperfume,orwiththatlace,andlaughatusunconscionablywhentheyhavedone.

Hau.ButsirDauphine'scarelessnessbecomeshim.

Cen.Icouldloveamanforsuchanose.

Mav.Orsuchaleg.

Cen.Hehasanexceedinggoodeye,madam.

Mav.Andaverygoodlock.

Cen.GoodMorose,bringhimtomychamberfirst.

Mrs.Ott.Pleaseyourhonourstomeetatmyhouse,madam.

True.Seehowtheyeyethee,man!theyaretaken,Iwarrantthee.[Haughtycomesforward.

Hau.Youhaveunbracedourbraceofknightshere,masterTruewit.

True.NotI,madam;itwassirDauphine'singine:who,ifhehavedisfurnish'dyourladyshipofnyguardorservicebyit,isabletomaketheplacegoodagaininhimself.

Hau.Thereisnosuspicionofthat,sir.

Cen.Godso.Mavis,Haughtyiskissing.

Mav.Letusgotoo,andtakepart.{Theycome,forward.

Hau.ButIamgladofthefortune(besidethediscoveryoftwosuchemptycaskets)togaintheknowledgeofsorichamineofvirtueassirDauphine.

Cen.Wewouldbeallgladtostylehimofourfriendship,andseehimatthecollege.

Mav.Hecannotmixwithasweetersociety,I'llprophesy;andIhopehehimselfwillthinkso.

Daup.Ishouldberudetoimagineotherwise,lady.True.DidnotItellthee,Dauphine!Why,alltheiractionsaregovernedbycrudeopinion,withoutreasonorcause;theyknownotwhytheydoanything;but,astheyareinform'd,believe,judge,praise,condemn,love,hate,andin

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emulationoneofanother,doallthesethingsalike.Onlytheyhaveanaturalinclinationswaysthemgenerallytotheworst,whentheyarelefttothemselves.Butpursueit,nowthouhastthem.

Hau.Shallwegoinagain,Morose?

Epi.Yes,madam.

Cen.We'llentreatsirDauphine'scompany.

True.Stay,goodmadam,theinterviewofthetwofriends,PyladesandOrestes:I'llfetchthemouttoyoustraight.

Hau.Willyou,masterTruewit?

Daup.Ay,butnobleladies,donotconfessinyourcountenance,oroutwardbearingtothem,anydiscoveryoftheirfollies,thatwemayseehowtheywillbearupagain,withwhatassuranceanderection.

Hau.Wewillnot,sirDauphine.

Cen.Mav.Uponourhonours,sirDauphine.

True,[goestothefirstcloset.}SirAmorous,sirAmorous!Theladiesarehere.

La-F.[within.']Arethey?

True.Yes;butslipoutbyandby,astheirbacksareturn'd,andmeetsirJohnhere,asbychance,whenIcallyou.[Goestotheother.}—JackDaw.

Daw.[within.]Whatsayyou,sir?

True.Whipoutbehindmesuddenly,andnoangerinyourlookstoyouradversary.Now,now!

[La-FooleandDawslipoutoftheirrespectiveclosets,andsaluteeachother.

La-F.NoblesirJohnDaw,wherehaveyoubeen?

Daw.Toseekyou,sirAmorous.

La-F.Me!Ihonouryou.

Daw.Ipreventyou,sir.

f'ler.Theyhaveforgottheirrapiers.

True.0,theymeetinpeace,man.

Daup.Where'syoursword,sirJohn?

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Cler.Andyours,sirAmorous?

Daw.Mine!myboyhaditforthtomendthehandJe,e'ennow.

La-F.Andmygoldhandlewasbroketoo,andmyboyhaditforth.

Daup.Indeed,sir!—Howtheirexcusesmeet!

Cler.Whataconsentthereisinthehandles!

True.Nay,thereissointhepointstoo,Iwarrantyou.

EnterMOROSE,withthetwoswords,drawninhisha,nd<<.

Mrs.Ott.Ome!madam,hecomesagain,themadman!Away!

[Ladies,Daw,andLa-Foole,runoff.

Mor.Whatmakethesenakedweaponshere,gentlemen?

True.Osir!herehathliketohavebeenmurdersinceyouwent;acoupleofknightsfallenoutaboutthebride'sfavours!Wewerefaintotakeawaytheirweapons;yourhousehadbeenbegg'dbythistimeelse.

Mor.Forwhat?

Cler.Formanslaughter,sir,asbeingaccessary.

Mor.Andforherfavours?

True.Ay,sir,heretofore,notpresent—Clerimont,carrythemtheirswordsnow.Theyhavedoneallthehurttheywilldo.

[ExitCler.tviththetwoswords.

Daup.Haveyouspokewiththelawyer,sir?

Mor.Ono!thereissuchanoiseinthecourt,thattheyhavefrightedmehomewithmoreviolencethanIwent!suchspeakingandcounter-speaking,withtheirseveralvoicesofcitations,appellations,allegations,certificates,attachments,intergatories,references,convictions,andafflictionsindeed,amongthedoctorsandproctors,thatthenoisehereissilenceto't,akindofcalmmidnight!

True.Why,sir,ifyouwouldberesolvedindeed,Icanbringyouhitheraverysufficientlawyer,andalearneddivine,thatshallenquireintoeveryleastscrupleforyou.

Mor.Canyou,masterTruewit?

True.Yes,andareverysober,gravepersons,thatwilldispatchitinachamber,withawhisper

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ortwo.

Mor.Goodsir,shallIhopethisbenefitfromyou,andtrustmyselfintoyourhands?

True.Alas,sir!yournephewandIhavebeenashamedandoft-timesmad,sinceyouwent,tothinkhowyouareabused.Goin,goodsir,andlockyourselfuptillwecallyou;we'lltellyoumoreanon,sir.

Mor.Doyourpleasurewithmegentlemen;Ibelieveinyou,andthatdeservesnodelusion.[Exit.

True.Youshallfindnone,sir;—butheap'd,heap'dplentyofvexation.

Daup.Whatwiltthoudonow,Wit?

True.RecovermehitherOtterandthebarber,ifyoucan,byanymeans,presently.

Daup.Why?towhatpurpose?

True.O,I'llmakethedeepestdivine,andgravestlawyer,outofthemtwoforhim—

Daup.Thoucanstnot,man;thesearewakingdreams.

True.Donotfearme.Clapbutacivilgownwithaweltontheone,andacanonicalclokewithsleevesontheother,andgivethemafewtermsintheirmouths,iftherecomenotforthasableadoctorandcompleteaparson,forthisturn,asmaybewish'd,trustnotmyelection:andIhope,withoutwrongingthedignityofeitherprofession,sincetheyarebutpersonsputon,andformirth'ssake,totormenthim.ThebarbersmattersLatin,Iremember.

Daup.Yes,andOttertoo.

True.Wellthen,ifImakethemnotwrangleoutthiscasetohisnocomfort,letmebethoughtaJackDaworLa-Fooleoranythingworse.Goyoutoyourladies,butfirstsendforthem.

Daup.Iwill.[Exeunt.

ACTV

SCEXEI.—ARoominMOROSE'SHouse.EnterLA-FOOLE,CLERIMONT,andDAW.

La-F.Wherehadyouourswords,masterClerimont?Cler.Why,Dauphinetookthemfromthemadman.La-F.Andhetookthemfromourboys,Iwarrantyou.Cler.Verylike,sir.

La-F.Thankyou,goodmasterClerimont.SirJohnDawandIarebothbeholdentoyou.

Cler.WouldIknewhowtomakeyouso,gentlemen1Daw.SirAmorousandIareyourservants,sir.

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EnterMAVIS.

Mav.Gentlemen,haveanyofyouapenandink?IwouldfainwriteoutariddleinItalian,forsirDauphinetotranslate.

Cler.NotI,introth,lady;Iamnoscrivener.

Daw.Icanfurnishyou,Ithink,lady.[ExeuntDawandMavis.

Cler.Hehasitinthehaftofaknife,Ibelieve.

La-F.No,hehashisboxofinstruments.

Cler.Likeasurgeon!

La-F.Forthemathematics:hissquare,hiscompasses,hisbrasspens,andblack-lead,todrawmapsofeveryplaceandpersonwherehecomes.

Cler.How,mapsofpersons[

La-F.Yes,sir,ofNomentackwhenhewashere,andoftheprinceofMoldavia,andofhismistress,mistressEpicucne.

Re-enterDAW.

(ler.Away!hehathnotfoundoutherlatitude,Ihope.La-F.Youareapleasantgentleman,sir.

('ler.Faith,nowweareinprivate,let'swantonitaliftIf,andtalkwaggishly.—SirJohn,IamtellingsirAmoroushere,thatyou

twogoverntheladieswhereveryoucome;youcarrythefemininegenderaforeyou.

Daw.Theyshallrathercarryusaforethem,iftheywill,sir.

Cler.Nay,Ibelievethattheydo,withal—butthatyouaretheprimemenintheiraffections,anddirectalltheiractions—

Daw.NotI;sirAmorousis.

La-F.Iprotest,sirJohnis.

Daw.AsIhopetoriseinthestate,sirAmorous,youhavetheperson.

La-F.SirJohn,youhavetheperson,andthediscoursetoo.

Daw.NotI,sir.Ihavenodiscourse—andthenyouhaveactivitybeside.

La-F.Iprotest,sirJohn,youcomeashighfromTripolyasIdo,everywhit:andliftasmanyjoin'dstools,andleapoverthem,ifyouwoulduseit.

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Cler.Well,agreeon'ttogether,knights;forbetweenyou,youdividethekingdomorcommonwealthofladies'affections:Iseeit,andcanperceivealittlehowtheyobserveyou,andfearyou,indeed.Youcouldtellstrangestories,mymasters,ifyouwould,Iknow.

Daw.Faith,wehaveseensomewhat,sir.

La-F.Thatwehave—velvetpetticoats,andwroughtsmocks,orso.

Daw.Ay,and—

Cler.Nay,outwithit,sirJohn;donotenvyyourfriendthepleasureofhearing,whenyouhavehadthedelightoftasting.

Daw.Why—aDoyouspeak,sirAmorous.

La-F.No,doyou,sirJohnDaw.

DawI'faith,youshall.

La-F.I'faith,youshall.

Daw.Why,wehavebeen—

La-F.InthegreatbedatWaretogetherinourtime.On,sirJohn.

Daw.Nay,doyou,sirAmorous.

Cler.Andtheseladieswithyou,knights?

La-F.No,excuseus,sir.

Daw.Wemustnotwoundreputation.

La-F.Nomatter—theywerethese,orothers.Ourbathcostusfifteenpoundwhenwecamehome.

Cler.Doyouhear,sirJohn?Youshalltellmebutonethingtruly,asyouloveme.

Daiv.IfIcan,Iwill,sir.

Cler.Youlayinthesamehousewiththebridehere?

Daw.Yes,andconversedwithherhourly,sir.

Cler.Andwhathumourissheof?Isshecomingandopen,free?

Daw.O,exceedingopen,sir.Iwasherservant,andsirAmorouswastobe.

Cler.Come,youhavebothhadfavoursfromher:Iknow,andhaveheardsomuch.

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Daw.0no,sir.

La-F.Youshallexcuseus,sir;wemustnotwoundreputation.

Cler.Tut,sheismarriednow,andyoucannothurtherwithanyreport;andthereforespeakplainly:howmanytimes,i'faith?whichofyouledfirst?ha!

La-F.SirJohnhadhermaidenhead,indeed.

Daw.O,itpleaseshimtosayso,sir;butsirAmorousknowswhat'swhat,aswell.

Cler.Dostthou,i'faith,Amorous?

La-F.Inamanner,sir.

Cler.Why,Icommendyou,lads.LittleknowsdonBridegroomofthis;norshallhe,forme.

Daw.Hanghim,madox!

Cler.Speaksoftly;herecomeshisnephew,withtheladyHaughty:he'llgettheladiesfromyou,sirs,ifyoulooknottohimintime.

La-F.Why,ifhedo,we'llfetchthemhomeagain,Iwarrantyou.

[ExitwithDaw.Cler.walksaside.

EnterDAUPHINEandHAUGHTY.

Hau.Iassureyou,sirDauphine,itisthepriceandestimationofyourvirtueonly,thathathembark'dmetothisadventure;andIcouldnotbutmakeouttotellyouso:norcanIrepentmeoftheact,sinceitisalwaysanargumentofsomevirtueinourselves,thatweloveandaffectitsoinothers.

Daup.Yourladyshipsetstoohighapriceonmyweakness.

Hau.Sir,Icandistinguishgemsfrompebbles—

Daup.Areyousoskilfulinstones?[Aside.

Hau.AndhowsoeverImaysufferinsuchajudgmentasyours,byadmittingequalityofrankorsocietywithCentaureorMavis—

Daup.Youdonot,madam;Iperceivetheyareyourmerefoils.

Hau.Then,areyouafriendtotruth,sir;itmakesmeloveyouthemore.Itisnottheoutward,buttheinwardmanthatIaffect.Theyarenotapprehensiveofaneminentperfection,butloveflatanddully.

Cen.[within.]Whereareyou,myladyHaughty?

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Hau.1comepresently,Centaure.—Mychamber,sir,mypageshallshewyou;andTrusty,mywoman,shallbeeverawakeforyou:youneednotfeartocommunicateanythingwithher,forsheisaFidelia.Iprayyouwearthisjewelformysake,sirDauphine—

EnterCENTAURE.

Where'sMavis,Centaure?

Cen.Within,madam,awriting.I'llfollowyoupresently:[ExitHau.]I'llbutspeakawordwithsirDauphine.

Daup.Withme,madam?

Cen.GoodsirDauphine,donottrustHan<_rhty,normakeanycredittoherwhateveryoudobesides.SirDauphine,Igiveyouthiscaution,sheisaperfectcourtier,andlovesnobodybutforher

uses;andforherusesshelovesall.Besides,herphysiciansgiveherouttobenoneo'theclearest,whethershepaythemorno,heavenknows;andshe'sabovefiftytoo,andpargets!Seeherinaforenoon.HerecomesMavis,aworsefacethanshe!youwouldnotlikethisbycandle-light.

Re-enterMAVIS.

Ifyou'llcometomychamberoneo'thesemorningsearly,orlateinanevening,I'lltellyoumore.Where'sHaughty,Mavis?

Mav.Within,Centaure.

Cen.Whathaveyouthere?

Mav.AnItalianriddleforsirDauphine,—youshallnotseeit,i'faith,Centaure.—[ExitCen.]GoodsirDauphine,solveitforme:I'llcallforitanon.[Exit.

Cler.[comingforward.]Hownow,Dauphine!howdostthouquitthyselfofthesefemales?

Daup.'Slight,theyhauntmelikefames,andgivemejewelshere;Icannotberidofthem.

Cler.0,youmustnottellthough.

Daup.Mass,Iforgotthat:Iwasneversoassaulted.Onelovesforvirtue,andbribesmewiththis;[shewsthejewel.]—anotherlovesmewithcaution,andsowouldpossessme;athirdbringsmeariddlehere:andallarejealous,andraileachatother.

Cler.Ariddle!prayletmeseeit.[Reads.

SirDauphine,Ichosethiswayofintimationforprivacy.Theladieshere,Iknow,havebothhopeandpurposetomakeacollegiateandservantofyou.IfImightbesohonoured,astoappearatanyendofsonobleawork,Iwouldenterintoafameoftakingphysicto-morrow,

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andcontinueitfourorfivedays,orlonger,foryourvisitation.MAVIS.

Bymyfaith,asubtleone!Callyouthisariddle?what'stheirplain-dealing,trow?

Daup.WelackTruewittotellusthat.

Cler.Welackhimforsomewhatelsetoo:hisknightsreformadoesarewoundupashighandinsolentasevertheywere.

Daup.Youjest.

Cler.Nodrunkards,eitherwithwineorvanity,everconfess'dsuchstoriesofthemselves.Iwouldnotgiveafly'sleginbalanceagainstallthewomen'sreputationshere,iftheycouldbebutthoughttospeaktruth:andforthebride,theyhavemadetheiraffidavitagainstherdirectly—

Daup.What,thattheyhavelainwithher?

Cler.Yes;andtelltimesandcircumstances,withthecausewhy,andtheplacewhere.Ihadalmostbroughtthemtoaffirmthattheyhaddoneitto-day.

Daup.Notbothofthem?

Cler.Yes,faith;withasoothortwomoreIhadeffectedit.Theywouldhavesetitdownundertheirhands.

Daup.Why,theywillbeoursport,Isee,still,whetherwewillorno.

EnterTRUEWIT.

True.0,areyouhere?Come,Dauphine;gocallyourunclepresently:Ihavefittedmydivineandmycanonist,dyedtheirbeardsandall.Theknavesdonotknowthemselves,theyaresoexaltedandaltered.Prefermentchangesanyman.ThoushallkeeponedoorandIanother,andthenClerimontinthemidst,thathemayhavenomeansofescapefromtheircavilling,whentheygrowhotonceagain.Andthenthewomen,asIhavegiventhebrideherinstructions,tobreakinuponhiminthe1'envoy.O,'twillbefullandtwanging!Away!fetchhim.[ExitDauphine.

EnterOTTERdisguisedasadivine,andCUTBEARDasacanon

lawyer.

Come,masterdoctor,andmasterparson,looktoyourpartsnow,anddischargethembravely;youarewellsetforth,performitaswell.Ifyouchancetobeout,donotconfessitwithstandingstill,orhumming,orgapingoneatanother;butgoon,andtalkaloudandeagerlv;usevehementaction,andonlyremembervourterms,

*/'«/*•

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andyouaresafe.Letthemattergowhereitwill:youhavemanywilldoso.Butatfirstbeverysolemnandgrave,likeyourgarments,thoughyoulooseyourselvesafter,andskipoutlikeabraceofjugglersonatable.Herehecomes:setyourfaces,andlooksuperciliously,whileIpresentyou.

Re-enterDAUPHINEwithMOROSE.

Mor.Arethesethetwolearnedmen?

True.Yes,sir;pleaseyousalutethem.

Mor.Salutethem!Ihadratherdoanything,thanwearouttimesounfruitfully,sir.Iwonderhowthesecommonforms,asGodsaveyou,andYouarewelcome,arecometobeahabitinourlives:or,/amgladtoseeyouIwhenIcannotseewhattheprofitcanbeofthesewords,solongasitisnowhitbetterwithhimwhoseaffairsaresadandgrievous,thathehearsthissalutation.

True.'Tistrue,sir;we'llgotothematterthen.—Gentlemen,masterdoctor,andmasterparson,Ihaveacquaintedyousufficientlywiththebusinessforwhichyouarecomehither;andyouarenotnowtoinformyourselvesinthestateofthequestion,Iknow.Thisisthegentlemanwhoexpectsyourresolution,andtherefore,whenyouplease,begin.

(Ht.Pleaseyou,masterdoctor.

Cut.Pleaseyou,goodmasterparson.

Oil.Iwouldhearthecanon-lawspeakfirst.

Cut.Itmustgiveplacetopositivedivinity,sir.

Mor.Xay,goodgentlemen,donotthrowmeintocircumstances.l.i-tyourcomfortsarrivequicklyatme,thosethat.ire.Beswiftinaffordingmemypeace,ifsoIshallhopeany.Ilovenotyourdisputations,oryourcourt-tumults.Andthatitbenotstrangetoyou,Iwilltellyou:Myfather,inmyeducation,waswontto

adviseme,thatIshouldalwayscollectandcontainmymind,notsufferingittoflowloosely;thatIshouldlooktowhatthingswerenecessarytothecarriageofmylife,andwhatnot;embracingtheoneandeschewingtheother:inshort,thatIshouldendearmyselftorest,andavoidturmoil;whichnowisgrowntobeanothernaturetome.SothatIcomenottoyourpublicpleadings,oryourplacesofnoise;notthatIneglectthosethingsthatmakeforthedignityofthecommonwealth;butforthemereavoidingofclamoursandimpertinencesoforators,thatknownothowtobesilent.Andforthecauseofnoise,amInowasuitortoyou.YoudonotknowinwhatamiseryIhavebeenexercisedthisday,whatatorrentofevil!myveryhouseturnsroundwiththetumult!Idwellinawindmill:theperpetualmotionishere,andnotatEltham.

True.Well,goodmasterdoctor,willyoubreaktheice?masterparsonwillwadeafter.

Cut.Sir,thoughunworthy,andtheweaker,Iwillpresume.

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Ott.:Tisnopresumption,dominedoctor.

Mor.Yetagain!

Cut.Yourquestionis,Forhowmanycausesamanmayhavedivortiumlegitimum,alawfuldivorce?First,youmustunderstandthenatureoftheword,divorce,adivertendo—

Mor.Noexcursionsuponwords,gooddoctor;tothequestionbriefly.

Cut.Ianswerthen,thecanonlawaffordsdivorcebutinfewcases;andtheprincipalisinthecommoncase,theadulterouscase:Butthereareduodecimimpedimenta,twelveimpediments,aswecallthem,allwhichdonotdirimerecontractum,butirritumredder?matrimonium,aswesayinthecanonlaw,nottakeawaythebond,butcauseanullitytherein.

Mor.Iunderstoodyoubefore:goodsir,avoidyourimpertinencyoftranslation.

Ott.Hecannotopenthistoomuch,sir,byyourfavour.

Mor.Yetmore!

True.0,youmustgivethelearnedmenleave,sir.—Toyourimpediments,masterdoctor.

Cut.Thefirstisimpedimentumerroris.

Ott.Ofwhichthereareseveralspecies.

Cut.Ay,aserrorpersonce.

Ott.Ifyoucontractyourselftooneperson,thinkingheranother.

Cut.Then,errorfortunes.

Ott.Ifshebeabeggar,andyouthoughtherrich.

Cut.Then,errorqualitatis.

Ott.Ifsheprovestubbornorhead-strong,thatyouthoughtobedient.

Mor.How!isthat,sir,alawfulimpediment?Oneatonce,1prayyou,gentlemen.

Ott.Ay,antecopulam,butnotpostcopulam,sir.

Cut.Masterparsonsaysright.Xecpostnupiiarumbenedictionem.

Itdothindeedbutirritaredderesponsalia,annulthecontract;aftermarriageitisofnoobstancy.

True.Alas,sir,whatahopearewefallenfrombythistime!

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Cut.Thenextisconditio:ifyouthoughtherfreeborn,andsheproveabond-woman,thereisimpedimentofestateandcondition.

Ott.Ay,but,masterdoctor,thoseservitudesaresublatcenow,amongusChristians.

Cut.Byyourfavour,masterparson—

Ott.Youshallgivemeleave,masterdoctor.

Mor.Nay,gentlemen,quarrelnotinthatquestion;itconcernsnotmycase:passtothethird.

Cut.Wellthen,thethirdisvotum:ifeitherpartyhavemadeavowofchastity.Butthatpractice,asmasterparsonsaidoftheother,istakenawayamongus,thanksbetodiscipline.Thefourthiscognatio;ifthepersonsbeofkinwithinthedegrees.

Ott.Ay:doyouknowwhatthedegreesare,sir?

Mor.Xo,norIcarenot,sir;theyoffermenocomfortinthequestion,Iamsure.

Cut.Butthereisabranchofthisimpedimentmay,whichiscognatiospiritualis:ifyouwerehergodfather,sir,thenthemarriageisincestuous.

Ott.Thatcommentisabsurdandsuperstitious,masterdoctor:Icannotendureit.Arewenotallbrothersandsisters,andasmuchakininthat,asgodfathersandgod-daughters?

Mor.0me!toendthecontroversy,Ineverwasagodfather,Ineverwasagodfatherinmylife,sir.Passtothenext.

Cut.Thefifthiscrimenadulterii;theknowncase.Thesixth,cu1tu£disparitas,differenceofreligion:Haveyoueverexaminedher,whatreligionsheisof?

Mor.Xo,Iwouldrathershewereofnone,thanbeputtothetroubleofit.

Ott.Youmayhaveitdoneforyou,sir.

M'.>r.Bynomeans,goodsir;ontotherest:shallyouevercometoanend,thinkyou?

True.Yes,hehasdonehalf,sir.Ontotherest.—Bepatient,andexpect,sir.

Cut.Theseventhis,vis:ifitwereuponcompulsionorforce.

Mor.0no,itwastoovoluntary,mine:toovoluntary.

Vf&

Cut.Theeighthis,ordo;ifevershehavetakenholyorders.

Ott.That'ssuperstitioustoo.

Mor.Xomatter,masterparson;Wouldshewouldgointoanunneryyet.

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Cut.Theninthis,ligamen;ifyouwerebound,sir,toanyotherbefore.

Mor.Ithrustmyselftoosoonintothesefetters.

Cut.Thetenthis,jmltlicahonestas;whichisinrJmataa/jinitas.

Ott.Ay,oraffinitasortaexsponsalibus;andisbutleve.mentum.

Mor.Ifeelnoairofcomfortblowingtome,inallthis.

Cut.Theeleventhis,affinitasexfornicatione.

Ott.Whichisnolessveraaffinitas,thantheother,masterdoctor.

Cut.True,quceoriturexlegitimomatrimonio.

Ott.Yousayright,venerabledoctor:and,nasciturexeo,quodperconjugiumducepersonceefficiunturunacaro—

True.Hey-day,nowtheybegin!

Cut.Iconceiveyou,masterparson:itaperfornicationemcequeestveruspater,quisicgeneral—

Ott.Etverefilmsquisicgeneratur—•

Mor.What'sallthistome?

Cler.Nowitgrowswarm.

Cut.Thetwelfthandlastis,sifortecoirenequibis.

Ott.Ay,thatisimpedimenturngravissimum:itdothutterlyannul,andannihilate,that.Ifyouhavemanifestamfrigiditatem,youarewell,sir.

True.Why,thereiscomfortcomeatlength,sir.Confessyourselfbutamanunable,andshewillsuetobedivorcedfirst.

Ott.Ay,oriftherebemorbusperpetuus,etinsanabilis;asparalysis,elephantiasis,orso—

Daup.O,butfrigiditasisthefairerway,gentlemen.

Ott.Yousaytroth,sir,andasitisinthecanon,masterdoctor—

Cut.Iconceiveyou,sir.

Cler.Beforehespeaks[

Ott.Thataboy,orchild,underyears,isnotfitformarriage,becausehecannotredderedebitum.Soyouromnipotentes—

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True.Yourimpotentes,youwhoresonlobster![AsidetoOtt.

Ott.Yourimpotentes,Ishouldsay,areminimeaptiadcontra-hendamatrimonium.

True.Matrimonium!weshallhavemostunmatrimonialLatinwithyou:matrimonia,andbehang'd.

Daup.Youputthemout,man.

Cut.Butthentherewillariseadoubt,masterparson,inourcase,postmatrimonium:thatfrigiditateprceditus—doyouconceiveme,sir?

Ott.Verywell,sir.

Cut.Whocannotutiuxoreprouxore,mayhabereearnprosorore.

Ott.Absurd,absurd,absurd,andmerelyapostatical!

Cut.Youshallpardonme,masterparson,Icanproveit.

Ott.Youcanproveawill,masterdoctor;youcanprovenothingelse.Doesnottheverseofyourowncanonsay,

Hcecsociandavetantconnubia,faciaretractant?

Cut.Igrantyou;buthowdotheyretractare,masterparson?Mor.O,thiswasitIfeared.Ott.Inceternum,sir.

Cut.That'sfalseindivinity,byyourfavour.Ott.'Tisfalseinhumanitytosayso.Ishenotprorsusinutilisadthorum?Canheprazstarefidemdatam?Iwouldfainknow.

Cut.Yes;howifhedoconralere?Utt.Hecannotconvahre,itisimpossible.

True.Nay,goodsir,attendthelearnedmen;they'llthinkyouneglectthemelse.

Cut.Or,ifhedosimularehimselffrigidum,odiouxoris,orso?

Ott.Isay,heisadultermanifest-asthen.

Daup.Theydisputeitverylearnedly,i'faith.

Ott.Andprostitutoruxoris;andthisispositive.

Mor.Goodsir,letmeescape.

True.Youwillnotdomethatwrong,sir?

Ott.And,therefore,ifhebemanifestefrigidus,sir—

Cut.Ay,ifhebemanifestefrigidus,Igrantyou—

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Ott.Why,thatwasmyconclusion.

Cut.Andminetoo.

True.Nay,heartheconclusion,sir.

Ott.Then,frigiditatiscausa—

Cut.Yes,causafrigiditatis—

Mor.O,mineears!

Ott.Shemayhavelibellumdivortiiagninstyou.

Cut.Ay,divortiilibellumshewillsurehave.

Mor.Goodechoes,forbear.

Ott.Ifyouconfessit.—

Cut.WhichIwoulddo,sir—

Mor.Iwilldoanything.

Ott.Andclearmyselfinfor-oconscientice—

Cut.Becauseyouwantindeed—

Mor.Yetmore!

Ott.Exercendipotestate.

EPICCENErushesin,followedbyHAUGHTY,CENTAURE,MAVIS,MistressOTTER,DAW,andLA-FOOLE.

Epi.Iwillnotendureitanylonger.Ladies,Ibeseechyou,helpme.Thisissuchawrongasneverwasofferedtopoorbridebefore:uponhermarriage-daytohaveherhusbandconspireagainsther,andacoupleofmercenarycompanionstobebroughtinforform'ssake,topersuadeaseparation!Ifyouhadbloodorvirtueinyou,gentlemen,youwouldnotsuffersuchearwigsaboutahusband,orscorpionstocreepbetweenmanandwife.

Mor.0thevarietyandchangesofmytorment!

Hau.Letthembecudgell'doutofdoorsbyourgrooms.

Cen.I'lllendyoumyfootman.

Mav.We'llhaveourmenblankettheminthehall.

Mrs.Ott.Astherewasoneatourhouse,madam,forpeepinginatthedoor.

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Daw.Content,i'faith.

True.Stay,ladiesandgentlemen;you'llhearbeforeyouproceed'.'

Mav.I'dhavethebridegroomblankettedtoo.

Cen.Beginwithhimfirst.

Hau.Yes,bymytroth.

Mor.0mankindgeneration!

Daup.Ladies,formysakeforbear.

Hau.Yes,forsirDauphine'ssake.

Cen.Heshallcommandus.

La-F.Heisasfineagentlemanofhisinches,madam,asanyisaboutthetown,andwearsasgoodcolourswhenhelists.

True.Bebrief,sir,andconfessyourinfirmity;she'llbea-firetobequitofyou,ifshebuthearthatnamedonce,youshallnotentreathertostay:she'llflyyoulikeonethathadthemarksuponhim.

Mor.Ladies,Imustcraveallyourpardons—

True.Silence,ladies.

Mor.ForawrongIhavedonetoyourwholesex,inmarryingthisfairandvirtuousgentlewoman—

Cler.Hearhim,goodladies.

Mor.Beingguiltyofaninfirmity,which,beforeIconferredwiththeselearnedmen,IthoughtImighthaveconcealed—

True.Butnowbeingbetterinformedinhisconsciencebythem,heistodeclareit,andgivesatisfaction,byaskingyourpublicforgiveness.

Mor.Iamnoman,ladies.

All.How!

Mor.Utterlyunabledinnature,byreasonoffrigidity,toperformtheduties,oranytheleastofficeofahusband.

Mav.Nowoutuponhim,prodigiouscreature!

Cen.Bridegroomuncarnate!

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Hau.Andwouldyouofferittoayounggentlewoman?

Mrs.Ott.Aladyofherlongings?

Epi.Tut,adevice,adevice,this!itsmellsrankly,ladies.Amerecommentofhisown.

True.Why,ifyoususpectthat,ladies,youmayhavehimsearch'd—

Daw.Asthecustomis,byajuryofphysicians.

La-F.Yes,faith,'twillbebrave.

Mor.0me,mustIundergothat?

Mrs.Ott.No,letwomensearchhim,madam;wecandoitourselves.

Mor.Outonme!worse.

Epi.No,ladies,youshallnotneed,I'lltakehimwithallhisfaults.

Mor.Worstofall!

Cler.Whythen,'tisnodivorce,doctor,ifsheconsentnot?

Cut.No,ifthemanbefrigidus,itisdeparteuxoris,thatwegrantlibellumdivortii,inthelaw.

Ott.Ay,itisthesameintheology.

Mor.Worse,worsethanworst!

True.Nay,sir,benotutterlydisheartened;wehaveyetasmallrelicofhopeleft,asnearasourcomfortisblownout.Clerimont,produceyourbraceofknights.Whatwasthat,masterparson,

youtoldmeinerrorequalitatis,e'ennow?—Dauphine,whisperthebride,thatshecarryitasifshewereguilty,andashamed.[Aside.

Ott.Marry,sir,inerrorequalitatis,(whichmasterdoctordidforbeartourge,)ifshebefoundcorrupta,thatis,vitiatedorbrokenup,thatwasprovirginedesponsa,espousedforamaid—

Mor.Whatthen,sir?

Ott.Itdothdirimerecontractum,andirritumredderetoo.

True.Ifthisbetrue,wearehappyagain,sir,oncemore.Hereareanhonourablebraceofknights,thatshallaffirmsomuch.

Daw.Pardonus,goodmasterClerimont.

La-F.Youshallexcuseus,masterClerimont.

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Cler.Nay,youmustmakeitgoodnow,knights,thereisnoremedy;I'lleatnowordsforyou,nornomen:youknowyouspokeittome.

Daw.Isthisgentleman-like,sir?

True.JackDaw,he'sworsethansirAmorous;fierceragreatdeal.[AsidetoDaw.]—SirAmorous,beware,therebetenDawsinthisClerimont.[AsidetoLa-Foole.

La-F.I'llconfessit,sir.

Daw.Willyou,sirAmorous,willyouwoundreputation?

La-F.Iamresolved.

True.Soshouldyoubetoo,JackDaw:whatshouldkeepyouoff?she'sbutawoman,andindisgrace:he'llbegladon't.

Daw.Willhe?Ithoughthewouldhavebeenangry.

Cler.Youwilldispatch,knights;itmustbedone,i'faith.

True.Why,anitmust,itshall,sir,theysay:they'llne'ergoback.—Donottempthispatience.[Asidetothem.

Daw.Isittrueindeed,sir?

La-F.Yes,Iassureyou,sir.

Mor.Whatistrue,gentlemen?whatdoyouassureme?

Daw.Thatwehaveknownyourbride,sir—

La-F.Ingoodfashion.Shewasourmistress,orso—

Cler.Nay,youmustbeplain,knights,asyouweretome.

Ott.Ay,thequestionis,ifyouhavecarnaliter,orno?

La-F.Carnaliter/whatelse,sir?

Ott.Itisenough;aplainnullity.

Epi.Iamundone,Iamundone!

Mor.Oletmeworshipandadoreyou,gentlemen!

Epi.Iamundone.{Weeps.

Mor.Yes,tomyhand,Ithanktheseknights.Masterparson,letmethankyouotherwise.[Giveshimmoney.

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Cen.Andhavetheyconfess'd?

Mav.Nowoutuponthem,informers!

True.Youseewhatcreaturesyoumaybestowyourfavourson,madams.

11(in.Iwouldexceptagainstthemasbeatenknights,wench,andnotgoodwitnessesinlaw.

Mrs.Ott.Poorgentlewoman,howshetakesit!

Hau.Becomforted,Morose,Iloveyouthebettorfor't.

Cen.SodoI,Iprotest.

Cut.But,gentlemen,youhavenotknownhersincematrimonium?

Daw.Notto-day,masterdoctor.

La-F.No,sir,notto-day.

Cut.Why,thenIsay,foranyactbefore,thematrimoniumisgoodandperfect;unlesstheworshipfulbridegroomdidprecisely,beforewitness,demand,ifshewerevirgoantenuptias.

Epi.No,thathedidnot,Iassureyou,masterdoctor.

Cut.Ifhecannotprovethat,itisratumconjugium,notwithstandingthepremisses;andtheydonowayimpedire.Andthisismysentence,thisIpronounce.

Ott.Iamofmasterdoctor'sresolutiontoo,sir;ifyoumadenotthatdemandantenuptias.

Mor.0myheart!wiltthoubreak?wiltthoubreak?thisisworstofallworstworststhathellcouldhavedevised!Marryawhore,andsomuchnoise!

Daup.Come,Iseenowplainconfederacyinthisdoctorandthisparson,toabuseagentleman.Youstudyhisaffliction.Ipraybegone,companions.—And,gentlemen,Ibegintosuspectyouforhavingpartswiththem.—Sir,willitpleaseyouhearme?

Mor.Odonottalktome;takenotfrommethepleasureofdyinginsilence,nephew.

Daup.Sir,Imustspeaktoyou.Ihavebeenlongyourpoordespisedkinsman,andmanyahardthoughthasstrengthenedyouagainstme:butnowitshallappearifeitherIloveyouoryourpeace,andpreferthemtoalltheworldbeside.Iwillnotbelongorgrievoustoyou,sir.IfIfreeyouofthisunhappymatchabsolutely,andinstantly,afterallthistrouble,andalmostinyourdespair,now—

Mor.Itcannotbe.

Daup.Sir,thatyoubenevertroubledwithamurmurofitmore,whatshallIhopefor,ordeserveofyou?

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Mor.0,whatthouwilt,nephew!thoushaltdeserveme,andhaveme.

Daup.ShallIhaveyourfavourperfecttome,andlovehereafter?

Mor.That,andanythingbeside.Makethineownconditions.Mywholeestateisthine;manageit,Iwillbecomethyward.

Daup.Nay,sir,Iwillnotbesounreasonable.

Epi.WillsirDauphinebemineenemytoo?

Daup.YouknowIhavebeenlongasuitortoyou,uncle,thatoutofyourestate,whichisfifteenhundreda-year,youwouldallowmebutfivehundredduringlife,andassuretherestuponmeafter;towhichIhaveoften,bymyselfandfriends,tenderedyouawritingtosign,whichyouwouldneverconsentorinclineto.Ifyoupleasebuttoeffectitnow—

Mor.Thoushalthaveit,nephew:Iwilldoit,andmore.

Daup.IfIquityounotpresently,andforever,ofthiscumber,youshallhavepowerinstantly,aforeallthese,torevokeyouract,andIwillbecomewhoseslaveyouwillgivemeto,forever.

Mor.Whereisthewriting?Iwillsealtoit,that,ortoablank,andwritethineownconditions.

Epi.0me,mostunfortunate,wretchedgentlewoman!

Han.WillsirDauphinedothis?

Epi.Goodsir,havesomecompassiononme.

M'/r.O,mynephewknowsyou,belike:away,crocodile!

Cen.Hedoesitnotsurewithoutgoodground.

Danp.Here,sir.[Giveshimtheparchment*.

Mor.Come,nephew,givemethepen;Iwillsubscribetoanytiling,andsealtowhatthouwilt,formydeliverance.Thouartmyrestorer.Here,Ideliverittheeasmydeed.Iftherebeawordinitlacking,orwritwithfalseorthography,Iprotestbefore[heaven]Iwillnottaketheadvantage.[Returnsthewritings.

Daup.Thenhereisyourrelease,sir.[takesoffEpico?ne'sperukeandotherdisguises.]Youhavemarriedaboy,agentleman'sson,thatIhavebroughtupthishalfyearatmygreatcharges,andforthiscomposition,whichIhavenowmadewithyou.—Whatsayyou,masterdoctor?Thisisjustumimpedi-mentum,Ihope,errorpersonce?

Ott.Yes,sir,inprimogradu.

Cut.Inprimogradu.

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Daup.Ithankyou,gooddoctorCutbeard,andparsonOtter.[pullstheirfalsebeardsandgownsoff.]Youarebeholdentothem.sir.thathavetakenthispainsforyou;andmyfriend,masterTruewit,whoenabledthemforthebusiness.Xowyoumaygoinandrest;beasprivateasyouwill,sir.[ExitMorose.]I'llnottroubleyou,tillyoutroublemewithyourfuneral,whichIcarenothowsoonitcome.—Cutbeard,I'llmakeyourleasegood.Thankmenot.butwithyourleg,Cutbeard.AndTomOtter,yourprincessshallbereconciledtoyou.—Hownow,gentlemen,doyoulookatme?

Cler.Aboy!

Daup.Yes,mistressEpico?ne.

True.Well,Dauphine,youhavelurch'dyourfriendsofthebetterhalfofthegarland,byconcealingthispartoftheplot:butmuchgooddoitthee,thoudeserv'stit,lad.And,Clerimont,forthyunexpectedbringingthesetwotoconfession,wearmypartofitfreely.Xay,sirDawandsirLa-Foole,youseethegentlewomanthathasdonevouthefavours!weareallthankfultoyou,and->

*•»

shouldthewoman-kindhere,speciallyforlyingonher.thoughnotwithher!youmeantso,Iamsure.Butthatwehavestuckituponyouto-day,inyourownimaginedpersons,andsolately,thisAmazon,thechampionofthesex,shouldbeatyounowthriftily,forthecommonslanderswhichladiesreceivefromsuchcuckasyouare.Youaretheythat,whennomeritorfortunecanmakeyouhopetoenjoytheirbodieswillyetliewiththeirreputatiandmaketheirfamesuffer.Away,youcommonmothsofthese,andallladle-'honours.Go,traveltomakeleersandfaces,andcomehomewithsomenewmattertobelau^h'dat;you.Ir-ervetoliveinanairascorruptedasthatwherewithyoufeedrumour.

[ExeuntDawandLa-Foole.]—Madams,youaremute,uponthisnewmetamorphosis!Butherestandsshethathasvindicatedyourfames.Takeheedofsuchinsectaehereafter.Andletitnottroubleyou,thatyouhavediscoveredanymysteriestothisyounggentleman:heisalmostofyears,andwillmakeagoodvisitantwithinthistwelvemonth.Inthemeantime,we'llallundertakeforhissecrecy,thatcanspeaksowellofhissilence.[Comingforward.]—Spectators,ifyoulikethiscomedy,risecheerfully,andnowMoroseisgonein,clapyourhands.Itmaybe,thatnoisewillcurehim,atleastpleasehim.[Exeunt.

EVERYMAXIXHISHUMOUR

TOTHEMOSTLEARNED.ANDMYHONOUREDFRIEND

MASTERCAMDEN

CLARENCIEVX

SIR,—Thereare,nodoubt,asuperciliousraceintheworld,whowillesteemalloffice,doneyouinthiskind,aninjury;sosolemnaviceitiswiththemtousetheauthorityoftheirignorance,tothecryingdownorPoetry,ortheprofessors:butmygratitudemustnotleaveto

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correcttheirerror;sinceIamnoneofthosethatcansufferthebenefitsconferreduponmyyouthtoperishwithmyage.Itisafrailmemorythatremembersbutpresentthings:and,hadthefavourofthetimessoconspiredwithmydisposition,asitcouldhavebroughtforthother,orbetter.youhadhadthesameproportion,andnumberofthefruits,thefirst.NowIprayyoutoacceptthis;suchwhereinneithertheconfessionofmymannersshallmakeyoublush;norofmystudies,repentyoutohavebeentheinstructer:andfortheprofessionofmythankfulness,I:inasureitwill,withgoodmen,findeitherpraiseorexcuse.Yourtruelover,BE.VJOXSON.

DRAMATISPERSOX.E

KNOWELL,anoldGentleman.EDWAKPKNOWELL,hisSon.BRAINWORM,tht.sM-.tti.

OLIVERCOB,aWciter-bearer.JUSTICECLEMENT,anoldtn:-rryMaeistt

GEORGEDOWNRIGHT,aplainSquire.ROGERFORMAL,hisC

WELLBRED,hisHalf-Brother.

KITELY,aMerchant.pAMEKlTELYKITELY'SI'.-

LAPTAINBOBADIIL,aP.uusMan.MR,BRIDGIMASTERSTEPHEN,aCountryG:MASTERMATHEW..''':.-•T:THOMASCASH,KITELY'Sc\^

Wellbred'sServant

TIB,Cob's1Servants,etc.

SCENE,—LONDON

PROLOGUE.

Thoughneedmakemany/*>f/->\andAsartandnatureharenotbetter'dmuch;Yetoursforleanthathnot,*)lortdtht\A•«•hedarescreetheillcustom*oft/.

inirchaseyourdelightatsuchare.As.forit.hehimselfmu^t

rtMkeachildno.•i•-.idled,to/>••/.an.ithtn*!t'>->tup.inon>'l^ardaivt;.//'.-'r.withthreeru-'-

Andhelpofsomefewfootandhalf-footwords,FightoverYorkandLancaster'slongjars,Andinthetyring-housebringwoundstoscars.Heratherpraysyouwillbepleas'dtoseeOnesuchto-day,asotherplaysshouldbe;Whereneitherchorusivaftsyouo'ertheseas,Norcreakingthronecomesdowntheboystoplease;NornimblesquibisseentomakeafeardThegentlewomen;norrolTdbulletheardTosay,itthunders;nortempestuousdrumRumbles,totellyouwhenthestormdothcome;Butdeeds,andlanguage,suchasmendouse,Andpersons,suchascomedywouldchoose,Whenshewouldshewanimageofthetimes,Andsportwithhumanfollies,notwithcrimes.Exceptwemakethemsuch,bylovingstillOurpopularerrors,whenweknowthey'reill.1meansucherrorsasyou'llallconfess,Bylaughing

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atthem,theydeservenoless:Whichwhenyouheartilydo,there'shopeleftthen,You,thathavesograc'dmonsters,maylikemen.

ACTI

SCENEI.—AStreet.EnterKNOWELL,atthedoorofhishouse.Know.Agoodlydaytoward,andafreshmorning.—Brainworm!

EnterBRAINWORM.

Callupyouryoungmaster:bidhimrise,sir.Tellhim,Ihavesomebusinesstoemployhim.

Brai.Iwill,sir,presently.

Know.Buthearyou,sirrah,

Ifhebeathisbook,disturbhimnot.

Brai.Verygood,sir.[Exit.

Know.HowhappyyetshouldIesteemmyself,CouldI,byanypractice,weantheboyFromonevaincourseofstudyheaffects.Heisascholar,ifamanmaytrustTheliberalvoiceoffameinherreport,OfgoodaccountinbothourUniversities,Eitherofwhichhathfavouredhimwithgraces:ButtheirindulgencemustnotspringinmeAfondopinionthathecannoterr.Myselfwasonceastudent,andindeed,Fedwiththeself-samehumourheisnow,Dreamingonnoughtbutidlepoetry,

EveryManinHisHumour561

Thatfruitlessandunprofitableart,

Gooduntonone,butleasttotheprofessors;

WhichthenIthoughtthemistressofallknowledge:

Butsince,timeandthetruthhavewakedmyjudgment,

Andreasontaughtmebettertodistinguish

Thevainfromtheusefullearnings.

EnterMasterSTEPHEN.

CousinStephen,Whatnewswithyou,thatyouareheresoearly?

Step.Nothing,bute'encometoseehowyoudo,uncle.

Know.That'skindlydone;youarewelcome,coz.

Step.Ay,Iknowthat,sir;Iwouldnothavecomeelse.HowdoesmycousinEdward,uncle?

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Know.0,well,coz;goinandsee;Idoubthebescarcestirringyet.

Step.Uncle,aforeIgoin,canyoutellme,anhehavee'erabookofthescienceofhawkingandhunting;Iwouldfainborrowit.

Know.Why,Ihopeyouwillnotahawkingnow,willyou?

Step.No,wusse;butI'llpractiseagainstnextyear,uncle.Ihaveboughtmeahawk,andahood,andbells,andall;Ilacknothingbutabooktokeepitby.

Know.Oh,mostridiculous!

Step.Nay,lookyounow,youareangry,uncle:—Why,youknowanamanhavenotskillinthehawkingandhuntinglanguagesnow-a-days,I'llnotgivearushforhim:theyaremorestudiedthantheGreek,ortheLatin.Heisfornogallant'scompanywithoutthem;andbygadslidIscornit,I,soIdo,tobeaconsortforeveryhumdrum:hangthem,scroyles!there'snothinginthemi'theworld.Whatdoyoutalkonit?BecauseIdwellatHogsden,IshallkeepcompanywithnonebutthearchersofFinsbury,orthecitizensthatcomeaduckingtoIslingtonponds!Afinejest,i'faith!'Slid,agentlemanmunshewhimselflikeagentleman.Uncle,Iprayyoubenotangry;Iknowwhat1havetodo,Itrow,Iamnonovice.

Know.Youareaprodigal,absurdcoxcomb,goto!Nay,neverlookatme,'tisIthatspeak;Take'tasyouwill,sir,I'llnotflatteryou.HaveyounotyetfoundmeansenowtowasteThatwrhichyourfriendshaveleftyou,butyoumustGocastawayyourmoneyonabuzzard,Andknownothowtokeepit,whenyouhavedone?O,itiscomely!thiswillmakeyouagentleman!Well,cousin,well,Iseeyouaree'enpasthopeOfallreclaim:—ay,so;nowyouaretoldon't,Youlookanotherway.

S/ep.Whatwouldyouha'medo?

Knoiv.WhatwouldIhaveyoudo?I'lltellyou,kinsman;Learntobewise,andpractisehowtothrive;ThatwouldIhaveyoudo:andnottospend

Yourcoinoneverybaublethatyoufancy,

Oreveryfoolishbrainthathumoursyou.

Iwouldnothaveyoutoinvadeeachplace,

Northrustyourselfonallsocieties,

Tillmen'saffections,oryourowndesert,

Shouldworthilyinviteyoutoyourrank.

Hethatissorespectlessinhiscourses,

Oftsellshisreputationatcheapmarket.

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NorwouldI,youshouldmeltawayyourself

Inflashingbravery,lest,whileyouaffect

Tomakeablazeofgentrytotheworld,

Alittlepuffofscornextinguishit;

Andyoubeleftlikeanunsavourysnuff,

Whosepropertyisonlytooffend.

I'dhaveyousober,andcontainyourself,

Notthatyoursailbebiggerthanyourboat;

Butmoderateyourexpensesnow,atfirst,

Asyoumaykeepthesameproportionstill:

Norstandsomuchonyourgentility,

Whichisanairyandmereborrow'dthing,

Fromdeadmen'sdustandbones;andnoneofyours,

Exceptyoumake,orholdit.

EnteraServant.

Whocomeshere?

Serv.Saveyou,gentlemen!

Step.Nay,wedonotstandmuchonourgentility,friend;yetyouarewelcome:andIassureyoumineunclehereisamanofathousandayear,Middlesexland.Hehasbutonesoninalltheworld,Iamhisnextheir,atthecommonlaw,masterStephen,assimpleasIstandhere,ifmycousindie,asthere'shopehewill:Ihaveaprettylivingo'mineowntoo,beside,hardbyhere.

Serv.Ingoodtime,sir.

Step.Ingoodtime,sir!why,andinverygoodtime,sir!Youdonotflout,friend,doyou?

Serv.NotI,sir.

Step.Notyou,sir!youwerebestnot,sir;anyoushould,herebethemcanperceiveit,andthatquicklytoo;goto:andtheycangiveitagainsoundlytoo,anneedbe.

Serv.Why,sir,letthissatisfyyou;goodfaith,Ihadnosuchintent.

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Step.Sir,anIthoughtyouhad,Iwouldtalkwithyou,andthatpresently.

Serv.GoodmasterStephen,soyoumay,sir,atyourpleasure.

Step.AndsoIwould,sir,goodmysaucycompanion!anyouwereouto'mineuncle'sground,Icantellyou;thoughIdonotstanduponmygentilityneither,in't.

Know.Cousin,cousin,willthisne'erbeleft?

Step.Whoreson,basefellow!amechanicalserving-man!Bythiscudgel,an'twerenotforshame,Iwould—

Know.Whatwouldyoudo,youperemptorygull?Ifyoucannotbequiet,getyouhence.YouseethehonestmandemeanshimselfModestlytow'rdsyou,givingnoreplyToyourunseason'd,quarrelling,rudefashion;Andstillyouhuffit,withakindofcarriageAsvoidofwit,asofhumanity.Go,getyouin;'foreheaven,IamashamedThouhastakinsman'sinterestinme.[ExitMasterStephen.

Serv.Ipray,sir,isthismasterKnowell'shouse?

Know.Yes,marryisit,sir.

Serv.Ishouldinquireforagentlemanhere,onemasterEdwardKnowell;doyouknowanysuch,sir,Iprayyou?

Know.Ishouldforgetmyselfelse,sir.

Serv.Areyouthegentleman?cryyoumercy,sir:Iwasrequiredbyagentlemaninthecity,asIrodeoutatthisendo'thetown,todeliveryouthisletter,sir.

Know.Tome,sir!Whatdoyoumean?prayyourememberyourcourt'sy.[Reads.]Tohismostselectedfriend,masterEdwardKnowell.Whatmightthegentleman'snamebe,sir,thatsentit?Nay,prayyoubecovered.

Serv.OnemasterWellbred,sir.

Know.MasterWellbred!ayounggentleman,ishenot?

Serv.Thesame,sir;masterKitelymarriedhissister;therichmerchantintheOldJewry.

Know.Yousayverytrue.—Brainworm!

EnterBRAINWORM.

Brai.Sir.

Know.Makethishonestfrienddrinkhere:prayyou,goin.

[ExeuntBrainwormandServant.Thisletterisdirectedtomyson;YetIamEdwardKnowell

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too,andmay,Withthesafeconscienceofgoodmanners,useThefellow'serrortomysatisfaction.Well,Iwillbreakitope(oldmenarecurious),Beitbutforthestyle'ssakeandthephrase;Toseeifbothdoanswermyson'spraises,WhoisalmostgrowntheidolaterOfthisyoungWellbred.Whathavewehere?What'sthis?

[Reads]Why,Ned,Ibeseechthce,hastthouforswornallthyfriendsintheOldJewry?ordostthouthinkusallJewsthatinhabitthere?yet,ifthoudost,comeover,andbutseeourfrippery;changeanoldshirtforawholesmockwithus:donotconceivethatantipathybetweenusandHogsden,aswasbetweenJewsandhogs-flesh.Leavethyvigilantfatheralone,tonumberoverhisgreenapricots,eveningandmorning,onthenorth-westwall:anIhadbeenhisson,Ihadsavedhimthelabourlongsince,iftakinginalltheyoungwenchesthatpassbyatthebackdoor,andcodlingeverykernelofthefruitforthem,wouldhaveserved.But,pr'ythee,comeovertomequicklythismorning;Ihavesuchapresentforthee!—ourTurkeycompanyneversenttheliketotheGrand

Signior.Oneisarhymer,sir,ofyourownbatch,yourownleaven;butdoththinkhimselfpoet-majorofthetown,willingtobeshewn,andworthytobeseen.Theother—Iwillnotventurehisdescriptionwithyou,tillyoucome,becauseIwouldhaveyoumakehitherwithanappetite.Iftheworstof'embenotworthyourjourney,drawyourbillofcharges,asunconscionableasanyGuildhallverdictwillgiveityou,andyoushallbeallowedyourviaticum.FromtheWindmill.

FromtheBordelloitmightcomeaswell,

TheSpittle,orPict-hatch.Isthistheman

Mysonhathsungso,forthehappiestwit,

Thechoicestbrain,thetimeshavesentusforth!

Iknownotwhathemaybeinthearts,

Norwhatinschools;but,surely,forhismanners,

Ijudgehimaprofaneanddissolutewretch;

Worsebypossessionofsuchgreatgoodgifts,

Beingthemasterofsolooseaspirit.

Why,whatunhallowedruffianwouldhavewrit

Insuchascurrilousmannertoafriend!

WhyshouldhethinkItellmyapricots,

OrplaytheHesperiandragonwithmyfruit,

Towatchit?Well,myson,Ihadthoughtyou

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Hadhadmorejudgmenttohavemadeelection

Ofyourcompanions,thant'haveta'enontrust

Suchpetulant,jeeringgamesters,thatcanspare

Noargumentorsubjectfromtheirjest.

ButIperceiveaffectionmakesafool

Ofanymantoomuchthefather.—Brainworm!

EnterBRAINWORM.

Brai.Sir.

Know.Isthefellowgonethatbroughtthisletter?

Brai.Yes,sir,aprettywhilesince.

Know.Andwhereisyouryoungmaster?

Brai.Inhischamber,sir.

Know.Hespakenotwiththefellow,didhe?

Brai.No,sir,hesawhimnot.

Know.Takeyouthisletter,anddeliveritmyson;butwithnonoticethatIhaveopenedit,onyourlife.

Brai.OLord,sir!thatwereajestindeed.[Exit.

Know.IamresolvedIwillnotstophisjourney,NorpractiseanyviolentmeanstostayTheunbridledcourseofyouthinhim;forthatRestrain'd,growsmoreimpatient;andinkindLiketotheeager,butthegenerousgreyhound,Whone'ersolittlefromhisgamewithheld,Turnshead,andleapsupathisholder'sthroat.Thereisawayofwinningmorebylove,Andurgingofthemodesty,thanfear:Forceworksonservilenatures,notthefree.Hethat'scompell'dtogoodness,maybegood,

But'tisbutforthatfit;whereothers,drawn

Bysoftnessandexample,getahabit.

Then,iftheystray,butwarnthem,andthesame

Theyshouldforvirtuehavedone,they'lldoforshame.[Exit.

SCENEII.—ARoominKNOWELL'SHouse.

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EnterE.KNDWELL,withaletterinhisliand,followedby

BRAINWORM.

E.Know.Didheopenit,say'stthou?

Brai.Yes,o'myword,sir,andreadthecontents.

E.Know.Thatscarcecontentsme.Whatcountenance,prithee,madeheinthereadingofit?washeangry,orpleased?

Brai.Nay,sir,Isawhimnotreadit,noropenit,Iassureyourworship.

E.Know.No!howknow'stthouthenthathedideither?

Brai.Marry,sir,becausehechargedme,onmylife,totellnobodythatheopen'dit;which,unlesshehaddone,hewouldneverfeartohaveitrevealed.

E.Know.That'strue:well,Ithankthee,Brainworm.

EnterSTEPHEN.

Step.O,Brainworm,didstthounotseeafellowhereinwhat-sha-call-himdoublet?hebroughtmineunclealettere'ennow.

Brai.Yes,masterStephen;whatofhim?

Step.O,Ihavesuchamindtobeathimwhereishe,canst

thoutell?

Brai.Faith,heisnotofthatmind:heisgone,masterStephen.

Step.Gone!whichway?whenwenthe?howlongsince?

Brai.Heisridhence;hetookhorseatthestreet-door.

Step.AndIstaidinthefields!Whoresonscanderbagrogue!OthatIhadbutahorsetofetchhimbackagain!

Brai.WThy,youmayhavemymaster'sgelding,tosaveyourlonging,sir.

Step.ButIhavenoboots,that'sthespiteon't.

Brai.Why,afinewispofhay,roll'dhard,masterStephen.

Step.No,faith,it'snoboottofollowhimnow:lethime'engoandhang.Prithee,helptotrussmealittle:hedoessovexme—

Brai.You'llbeworsevexedwhenyouaretrussed,masterStephen.Bestkeepunbraced,and

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walkyourselftillyoubecold;yourcholermayfounderyouelse.

Step.Bymyfaith,andsoIwill,nowthoutell'stmeon't:howdostthoulikemyleg,Brainworm?

Brai.Averygoodleg,masterStephen;butthewoollenstockingdoesnotcommenditsowell.

Step.Foh!thestockingsbegoodenough,nowsummeriscomingon,forthedust:I'llhaveapairofsilkagainstwinter,thatIgotodwellinthetown.Ithinkmylegwouldshewinasilkhose—

Brai.Believeme,masterStephen,rarelywell.

Step.Insadness,Ithinkitwould:Ihaveareasonablegoodleg.Brai.Youhaveanexcellentgoodleg,masterStephen;butIcannotstaytopraiseitlongernow,andIamverysorryforit.[Exit.

Step.Anothertimewillserve,Brainworm.Gramercyforthis.

E.Know.Ha,ha,ha!

Step.'Slid,Ihopehelaughsnotatme;anhedo—

E.Know.Herewasaletterindeed,tobeinterceptedbyaman'sfather,anddohimgoodwithhim!Hecannotbutthinkmostvirtuously,bothofme,andthesender,sure,thatmakethecarefulcostermongerofhiminourfamiliarepistles.Well,ifhereadthiswithpatienceI'llbegelt,andtrollballadsformasterJohnTrundleyonder,therestofmymortality.Itistrue,andlikely,myfathermayhaveasmuchpatienceasanotherman,forhetakesmuchphysic;andofttakingphysicmakesamanverypatient.Butwouldyourpacket,masterWellbred,hadarrivedathiminsuchaminuteofhispatience!thenwehadknowntheendofit,which

nowisdoubtful,andthreatens[SeesMasterStephen.]What,my

wisecousin!nay,thenI'llfurnishourfeastwithonegullmoretowardthemess.Hewritestomeofabrace,andhere'sone,that'sthree:oh,forafourth,Fortune,ifeverthou'ltusethineeyes,Ientreatthee—

Step.Oh,nowIseewhohelaughedat:helaughedatsomebodyinthatletter.Bythisgoodlight,anhehadlaughedatme—

E.Know.Hownow,cousinStephen,melancholy?

Step.Yes,alittle:Ithoughtyouhadlaughedatme,cousin.

E.Know.Why,whatanIhad,coz?whatwouldyouhavedone?

Step.Bythislight,Iwouldhavetoldmineuncle.

E.Know.Nay,ifyouwouldhavetoldyouruncle,Ididlaughatyou,coz.

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Step.Didyou,indeed?

E.Know.Yes,indeed.

Step.Whythen—

E.Know.Whatthen?

Step.Iamsatisfied;itissufficient.

E.Know.Why,beso,gentlecoz:and,Iprayyou,letmeentreatacourtesyofyou.IamsentforthismorningbyafriendintheOldJewry,tocometohim;itisbutcrossingoverthefieldstoMoorgate:Willyoubearmecompany?Iprotestitisnottodrawyouintobondoranyplotagainstthestate,coz.

Step.Sir,that'salloneanitwere;youshallcommandmetwicesofarasMoorgate,todoyougoodinsuchamatter.DoyouthinkIwouldleaveyou?Iprotest—

E.Know.No,no,youshallnotprotest,coz.

Step.Bymyfackings,butIwill,byyourleave:—I'llprotestmoretomyfriend,thanI'llspeakofatthistime.

E.Know.Youspeakverywell,coz.

Step.Nay,notsoneither,youshallpardonme:butIspeaktoservemyturn.

E.Know.Yourturn,coz!doyouknowwhatyousay?A

gentlemanofyoursorts,parts,carriage,andestimation,totalkofyourturninthiscompany,andtomealone,likeatankard-bearerataconduit!fie!Awightthat,hitherto,hiseverystephathleftthestampofagreatfootbehindhim,aseverywordthesavourofastrongspirit,andhe!thisman!sograced,gilded,or,touseamorefitmetaphor,sotinfoiledbynature,asnottenhousewives'pewter,againagoodtime,shewsmorebrighttotheworldthanhe!andhe!(asIsaidlast,soIsayagain,andstillshallsayit)thisman!toconcealsuchrealornamentsasthese,andshadowtheirglory,asamilliner'swifedoesherwroughtstomacher,withasmoakylawn,orablackCyprus!O,coz!itcannotbeanswered;gonotaboutit:Drake'soldshipatDeptfordmaysoonercircletheworldagain.Come,wrongnotthequalityofyourdesert,withlookingdownward,coz;butholdupyourhead,so:andlettheideaofwhatyouarebeportrayedinyourface,thatmenmayreadinyourphysnomy,herewithinthisplaceistobeseenthetrue,rare,andaccomplishedmonster,ormiracleofnature,whichisallone.Whatthinkyouofthis,coz?

Step.Why,Idothinkofit:andIwillbemoreproud,andmelancholy,andgentlemanlike,thanIhavebeen,I'llinsureyou.

E.Know.Why,that'sresolute,masterStephen!—Now,ifIcanbutholdhimuptohisheight,asitishappilybegun,itwilldowellforasuburbhumour:wemayhaphaveamatchwiththecity,andplayhimforfortypound.—Come,coz.

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Step.I'llfollowyou.

E.Know.Followme!youmustgobefore.

Step.Nay,anImust,Iwill.Prayyoushewme,goodcousin.

[Exeunt.

SCENEIII.—TheLanebeforeCOB'SHouse.EnterMasterMATHEW.

Mat.Ithinkthisbethehouse:whatho!

EnterCOB.

Cob.Who'sthere?0,masterMathew!giveyourworshipgoodmorrow.

Mat.What,Cob!howdostthou,goodCob?dostthouinhabithere,Cob?

Cob.Ay,sir,Iandmylineagehavekeptapoorhousehere,inourdays.

Mat.Thylineage,monsieurCob!whatlineage,whatlineage?

Cob.Why,sir,anancientlineage,andaprincely.Mineance'trycamefromaking'sbelly,noworseman;andyetnomaneither,byyourworship'sleave,Ididlieinthat,butherring,thekingoffish(fromhisbellyIproceed),oneofthemonarchsoftheworld,Iassureyou.ThefirstredherringthatwasbroiledinAdamandlove'skitchen,doIfetchmypedigreefrom,bytheharrot'sbook.Hiscol)wasmygreat,great,mightygreatgrandfather.

Mat.Whymighty,whymighty,Ipraythee?

Cob.0,itwasamightywhileago,sir,andamightygreatcob.

Mat.Howknow'stthouthat?

Cob.HowknowI!why,Ismellhisghosteverandanon.

Mat.Smellaghost!0unsavouryjest!andtheghostofaherringcob?

Cob.Ay,sir:Withfavourofyourworship'snose,masterMathew,whynottheghostofaherringcob,aswellastheghostofRasherBacon?

Mat.RogerBacon,thouwould'stsay.

Cob.IsayRasherBacon.Theywerebothbroiledonthecoals;andamanmaysmellbroiledmeat,Ihope!youareascholar,upsolvemethatnow.

Mat.Orawignorance!—Cob,canstthoushewmeofagentleman,onecaptainBobadill,wherehislodgingis?

Cob.0,myguest,sir,youmean.

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Mat.Thyguest!alas,ha,ha,ha!

Cob.Whydoyoulaugh,sir?doyounotmeancaptainBobadill?

Mat.Cob,praytheeadvisethyselfwell;donotwrongthegentleman,andthyselftoo.Idarebesworn,hescornsthyhouse;he!helodgeinsuchabaseobscureplaceasthyhouse!Tut,Iknowhisdispositionsowell,hewouldnotlieinthybedifthou'dstgiveithim.

Cob.Iwillnotgiveithimthough,sir.Mass,Ithoughtsomewhatwasinit,wecouldnotgethimtobedallnight:Well,sir,thoughhelienotonmybed,heliesonmybench:an'tpleaseyoutogoup,sir,youshallfindhimwithtwocushionsunderhishead,andhiscloakwrappedabouthim,asthoughhehadneitherwonnorlost,andyet,Iwarrant,hene'ercastbetterinhislife,thanhehasdoneto-night.

c?

Mat.Why,washedrunk?

Cob.Drunk,sir!youhearnotmesayso:perhapsheswallowedatavern-token,orsomesuchdevice,sir,Ihavenothingtodowithal.Idealwithwaterandnotwithwine—Givememytankardthere,ho!—Godbewi'you,sir.It'ssixo'clock:Ishouldhavecarriedtwoturnsbythis.Whatho!mystopple!come.

EnterTIBwithawater-tankard.

Mat.Lieinawater-bearer'shouse!agentlemanofhishavings!Well,I'lltellhimmymind.

Cob.What,Tib;shewthisgentlemanuptothecaptain.[ExitTibwithMasterMathew.]Oh,anmyhouseweretheBrazen-headnow!faithitwoulde'enspeakMoefoohyet.YoushouldhavesomenowwouldtakethismasterMathewtobeagentleman,attheleast.Hisfather'sanhonestman,aworshipfulfishmonger,andsoforth;andnowdoeshecreepandwrigsleintoacquaintancewithallthebravegallantsaboutthetown,suchasmyguestis(0,myguestisafineman!),andtheyflouthiminvincibly.Heusetheverydaytoamerchant'shousewhereIservewater,onemasterKitely's,intheOldJewry;andhere'sthejest,heisinlovewith

mymaster'ssister,Mrs.Bridget,andcallshermistress;andtherehewillsityouawholeafternoonsometimes,readingofthesesameabominable,vile(apoxon'em!Icannotabidethem),rascallyverses,poetrie,poetrie,andspeakingofinterludes;'twillmakeamanbursttohearhim.Andthewenches,theydosojeer,andti-heathim—Well,shouldtheydosomuchtome,I'dforswearthemall,bythefootofPharaoh!There'sanoath!Howmanywater-bearersshallyouhearswearsuchanoath?0,Ihaveaguest—heteachesme—hedoesswearthelegiblestofanymanchristened:BySt.George!thefootofPharaohJthebodyofme!as1amagentlemanandasoldier!suchdaintyoaths!andwithalhedoestakethissamefilthyroguishtobacco,thefinestandcleanliest!itwoulddoamangoodtoseethefumescomeforthat'stonnels.—Well,heowesmefortyshillings,mywifelenthimoutofherpurse,bysixpenceatatime,besideshislodging:IwouldIhadit!Ishallhaveit,hesays,thenextaction.Helterskelter,hangsorrow,care'11killacat,up-tailsall,andalouseforthehangman.

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[Exit.

SCEXEIV.—ARoominCOB'SHouse.BOBADILLdiscovered

lyingonabench.

Bob.Hostess,hostess!

EnterTIB.

Tib.Whatsayyou,sir?

Bob.Acupofthysmallbeer,sweethostess.

Tib.Sir,there'sagentlemanbelowwouldspeakwithyou.

Bob.Agentleman!'odso,Iamnotwithin.

Tib.Myhusbandtoldhimyouwere,sir.

Bob.Whataplague—whatmeanthe?

Mat.[below.']CaptainBobadill!

.606.Who'sthere!—Takeawaythebason,goodhostess;—Comeup,sir.

Tib.Hewoulddesireyoutocomeup,sir.Youcomeintoacleanlyhouse,here!

EnterMATHEW.

Mat.Saveyou,sir;saveyou,captain!

Bob.GentlemasterMathew!Isityou,sir?pleaseyoutositdown.

Mat.Thankyou,goodcaptain;youmayseeIamsomewhataudacious.

Bob.Notso,sir.Iwasrequestedtosupperlastnii'htl»yasort<>firallants,whereyouwerewishedfor,anddrunkto,1assureyou.

Mat.Vouchsafeme,bywhom,goodcaptain?

Boh..Marry,byyoungWi-llbmJ,andutlu-rs..—Why,hostess,aBtoolhereforthisgentleman.

Mat.Nohaste,sir,'tisverywell.

Bob.Bodyo'me!itwassolateerewepartedlastnight,Icanscarceopenmyeyesyet;Iwasbutnewrisen,asyoucame;howpassesthedayabroad,sir?youcantell.

Mat.Faith,somehalfhourtoseven;Now,trustme,youhaveanexceedingfinelodginghere,veryneat,andprivate.

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Bob.Ay,sir:sitdown,Iprayyou.MasterMathew,inanycasepossessnogentlemenofouracquaintancewithnoticeofmylodging.

Mat.Who?I,sir;no.

Bob.NotthatIneedtocarewhoknowit,forthecabinisconvenient;butinregardIwouldnotbetoopopular,andgenerallyvisited,assomeare.

Mat.True,captain,Iconceiveyou.

Bob.For,doyousee,sir,bytheheartofvalourinme,exceptitbetosomepeculiarandchoicespirits,towhomIamextraordinarilyengaged,asyourself,orso,Icouldnotextendthusfar.

Mat.OLord,sir!Iresolveso.

Bob.IconfessIloveacleanlyandquietprivacy,aboveallthetumultandroaroffortune.Whatnewbookhaveyouthere?What!Goby,Hieronymo?

Mat.Ay:didyoueverseeitacted?Is'tnotwellpenned?

Bob.Wellpenned!Iwouldfainseeallthepoetsofthesetimespensuchanotherplayasthatwas:they'llprateandswagger,andkeepastirofartanddevices,when,asIamagentleman,read'em,theyarethemostshallow,pitiful,barrenfellows,thatliveuponthefaceoftheearthagain.

[WhileMasterMathewreads,Bobadillmakeshimselfready.

Mat.Indeedhereareanumberoffinespeechesinthisbook.0eyes,noeyes,butfountainsfraughtwithtears!there'saconceit!fountainsfraughtwithtears!0life,nolife,butlivelyformofdeath!another.0world,noworld,butmassofpublicwrongs!athird.ConfusedandfilVdwithmurderandmisdeeds!afourth.O,themuses!Is'tnotexcellent?Is'tnotsimplythebestthateveryouheard,captain?Ha!howdoyoulikeit?

Bob.Tisgood.

Mat.Tothee,thepurestobjecttomysense,

Themostrefinedessenceheavencovers,SendItheselines,whereinIdocommence

Thehappystateofturtle-billinglovers.Iftheyproverough,unpolished,harsh,andrude,Hastemadethewaste:thusmildlyIconclude.

Bob.Nay,proceed,proceed.Where'sthis?

Mat.This,sir!atoyofmineown,inmynon-age;theinfancyofmymuses.Butwhenwillyoucomeandseemystudy?goodfaith,IcanshewyousomeverygoodthingsIhavedoneoflate.—Thatbootbecomesyourlegpassingwell,captain,methinks.

Bob.So,so;it'sthefashiongentlemennowuse.

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Mat.Troth,captain,andnowyouspeakofthefashion,masterWellbred'selderbrotherandIarefallenoutexceedingly:This

otherday,Ihappenedtoenterintosomediscourseofahanger,which,Iassureyou,bothforfashionandworkmanship,wasmostperemptorybeautifulandgentlemanlike:yethecondemned,andcrieditdownforthemostpiedandridiculousthateverhesaw.

Bob.SquireDownright,thehalf-brother,was'tnot?

Mat.Ay,sir,he.

Bob.Hanghim,rook!he!whyhehasnomorejudgmentthanamalt-horse:BySt.George,Iwonderyou'dloseathoughtuponsuchananimal;themostperemptoryabsurdclownofChristendom,thisday,heisholden.Iprotesttoyou,asIamagentlemanandasoldier,Ine'erchangedwithhislike.Byhisdiscourse,heshouldeatnothingbuthay;hewasbornforthemanger,pannier,orpack-saddle.Hehasnotsomuchasagoodphraseinhisbelly,butalloldironandrustyproverbs:agoodcommodityforsomesmithtomakehob-nailsof.

Mat.Ay,andhethinkstocarryitawaywithhismanhoodstill,wherehecomes:hebragshewillgivemethebastinado,asIhear.

Bob.How!hethebastinado!howcamehebythatword,trow?

Mat.Nay,indeed,hesaidcudgelme;Itermeditso,formymoregrace.

Bob.Thatmaybe:forIwassureitwasnoneofhisword;butwhen,whensaidheso?

Mat.Faith,yesterday,theysay;ayounggallant,afriendofmine,toldmeso.

Bob.BythefootofPharaoh,an'tweremycasenow,Ishouldsendhimachartelpresently.Thebastinado!amostproperandsufficientdependence,warrantedbythegreatCaranza.Comehither,youshallchartelhim;I'llshewyouatrickortwoyoushallkillhimwithatpleasure;thefirststoccata,ifyouwill,bythisair.

Mat.Indeed,youhaveabsoluteknowledgeinthemystery,Ihaveheard,sir.

Bob.Ofwhom,ofwhom,haveyouheardit,Ibeseechyou?

Mat.Troth,Ihavehearditspokenofdivers,thatyouhaveveryrare,andun-in-one-breath-utterableskill,sir.

Bob.Byheaven,no,notI;noskillintheearth;somesmallrudimentsinthescience,astoknowmytime,distance,orso.1haveprofesseditmorefornoblemenandgentlemen'suse,thanmineownpractice,Iassureyou.—Hostess,accommodateuswithanotherbed-staffherequickly.Lendusanotherbed-staff—thewomandoesnotunderstandthewordsofaction.—Lookyou,sir:exaltnotyourpointabovethisstate,atanyhand,andletyourponiardmaintainyourdefence,thus:—giveitthegentleman,andleavens,\_KxitTib.]So,sir.('orneon:O,twineyourbodymoreabout,thatyoumayfalltoamoresweet,comely,gentlemanlikeguard;so!indiMVrent:hollowyourbodymore,sir,thus:now,standfasto'

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yourleftleg,noteyourdistance,keepyourdueproportionoftime—oh,youdisorderyourpointmostirregularly.

Mat.Howi.sthebeariii'_rofitnow,sirf

Bob.O,outofmeasureill:awell-experiencedhandwouldpassuponyouatpleasure.

Mat.Howmeanyou,sir,passuponme?

Bob.Why,thus,sir,—makeathrustatme—[MasterMathewpushesatBobadill]comeinupontheanswer,controlyourpoint,andmakeafullcareeratthebody:Thebest-practisedgallantsofthetimenameitthepassado;amostdesperatethrust,believeit.

Mat.Well,come,sir.

Bob.Why,youdonotmanageyourweaponwithanyfacilityorgracetoinviteme.Ihavenospirittoplaywithyou;yourdearthofjudgmentrendersyoutedious.

Mat.Butonevenue,sir.

Bob.Venue!fie;themostgrossdenominationaseverIheard:O,thestoccata,whileyoulive,sir;notethat.—Come,putonyourcloke,andwe'llgotosomeprivateplacewhereyouareacquainted;sometavern,orso—andhaveabit.I'llsendforoneofthesefencers,andheshallbreatheyou,bymydirection;andthenIwillteachyouyourtrick:youshallkillhimwithitatthefirst,ifyouplease.Why,Iwilllearnyou,bythetruejudgmentoftheeye,hand,andfoot,tocontrolanyenemy'spointintheworld.Shouldyouradversaryconfrontyouwithapistol,'twerenothing,bythishand!youshould,bythesamerule,controlhisbullet,inaline,exceptitwerehailshot,andspread.Whatmoneyhaveyouaboutyou,masterMathew?

Mat.Faith,Ihavenotpastatwoshillingorso.

Bob.'Tissomewhatwiththeleast;butcome;wewillhaveabunchofradishandsalttotasteourwine,andapipeoftobaccotoclosetheorificeofthestomach:andthenwe'llcalluponyoungWellbred:perhapsweshallmeettheCorydonhisbrotherthere,andputhimtothequestion.

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ACTII

SCENEI.—TheOldJewry.AHallinKITELY'SHouse.EnterKITELY,CASH,andDOWNRIGHT.

Kit.Thomas,comehither.Thereliesanotewithinuponmydesk;Heretakemykey:itisnomatterneither.—Whereistheboy?

Cash.Within,sir,inthewarehouse.

Kit.LethimtelloverstraightthatSpanishgold,Andweighit,withthepiecesofeight.DoyouSeethedeliveryofthosesilverstuffsToMasterLucar:tellhim,ifhewill,Heshallhavethegrograns,attherateItoldhim,AndIwillmeethimontheExchangeanon.

Cash.Good,sir.[Exit.

Kit.Doyouseethatfellow,brotherDownright?

Dow.Ay,whatofhim?

Kit.Heisajewel,brother.

Itookhimofachildupatmydoor,Andchristen'dhim,gavehimmineownname,Thomas:SincebredhimattheHospital;whereprovingAtowardimp,IcalFdhimhome,andtaughthimSomuch,asIhavemadehimmycashier,Andgiv'nhim,whohadnone,asurname,Cash:Andrindhiminhisplacesofulloffaith,ThatIdursttrustmylifeintohishands.

Dow.SowouldnotIinanybastard's,brother,Asitislikeheis,althoughIknew''yselfhisfather.ButyousaidyouhadsomewhatTotellme,gentlebrother:whatis't,whatis't?

Kii.Faith,Iamveryloathtoutterit,Asfearingitmayhurtyourpatience:ButthatIknowyourjudgmentisofstrength,Againstthenearnessofaffection—

Dow.Whatneedthiscircumstance?prayyou,bedirect.

Kit.IwillnotsayhowmuchIdoascribeUntoyourfriendship,norinwhatregardIholdyourlove;butletmypastbehaviour,Andusageofyoursister,[both]confirmHowwellIhavebeenaffectedtoyour—

Dow.Youaretootedious;cometothematter,thematter.

Kit.Then,withoutfurtherceremony,thus.MybrotherWellbred,sir,Iknownothow,Oflateismuchdeclinedinwhathewas,Andgreatlyalter'dinhisdisposition.\Yhenhecamefirsttolodgehereinmyhouse,Xe'ertrustmeifIwerenotproudofhim:Methoughthebarehimselfinsuchafashion,Sofullofman,andsweetnessinhiscarriage,Andwhatwaschief,itshew'dnotborrow'dinhim,Butallhedidbecamehimashisown,Andseem'dasperfect,proper,andpossest.Asbreathwithlife,orcolourwiththeblood.Butnow,hiscourseissoirregular,Soloose,affected,anddeprivedofgrace,AndhehimselfwithalsofarfallenoffFromthatfirst

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place,asscarcenonoteremains.Totellmen'sjudgmentswherehelatelystood.He'sgrownastrangertoallduerespect,I-V.rtretfulofhisfriends;andnotcontentTostalehimselfinallsoeieti-s,Hemakesmyhouseherecommonasaunit,Atheatre,apublicreceptacleForgiddyhumour,anddeceasedriot;

Andhere,asinatavernorastews.

Heandhiswildassociatesspendtheirhours,

Inrepetitionoflasciviousjests,

Swear,leap,drink,dance,andrevelnightbynig"t,

Controlmyservants;and,indeed,whatnot?

Doic.'Sdeins.IknownotwhatIshouldsavtohim,inthewhole

•

world!Hevaluesmeatacrack'dthree-farthings,foraughtIsee.Itwillneveroutofthefleshthat'sbredinthebone.Ihavetoldhimenough,onewouldthink,ifthatwouldserve;butcounseltohimisasgoodasashoulderofmuttontoasickhorse.Well!heknowswhattotrustto,forGeorge:lethimspend,andspend,anddomineer,tillhisheartake:anhethinktoberelievedbyme,whenheisgotintooneo'yourcitypounds,thecounters,hehasthewrongsowbytheear,i'faith;andclapshisdishatthewrongman'sdoor:I'lllaymyhandonmyhalfpenny,ereIpartwithittofetchhimout,I'llassurehim.

Kit.Xay.goodbrother,letitnottroubleyouthus.

Dow.:Sdeath!hemadsme;Icouldeatmyveryspur-leathersforanger!But.whyareyousotame?whydoyounotspeaktohim,andtellhimhowhedisquietsyourhouse?

Kit.0.therearediversreasonstodissuademe.But.wouldyourselfvouchsafetotravailinit(Thoughbutwithplainandeasycircumstance),Itwouldbothcomemuchbettertohissense,Andsavourlessofstomach,orofpassion.Youarehiselderbrother,andthattitleBothgivesandwarrantsyourauthority,Which,byyourpresenceseconded,mustbreedAkindofdutvinhim,andregard:

*c.

Whereas,ifIshouldintimatetheleast,Itwouldbutaddcontempttohisneglect,Heapworseonill,makeupapileofhatred,Thatintherearingwouldcometotteringdown,Andintheruinburyallourlove.Xay,morethanthis,brother:ifIshouldspeak,Hewouldbeready,fromhisheatofhumour,Andoverflowingofthevapourinhim,ToblowtheearsofhisfamiliarsWiththefalsebreathoftellingwhatdisgraces,Andlowdisparagements,Ihadputuponhim.Whilstthey,sir,torelievehiminthefable.Maketheirloosecommentsuponeveryword,Gesture,orlook,Iuse;mockmeallover,Frommyflatcapuntomyshiningshoes:And,outoftheirimpetuousriotingphant'519=5,Begetsomeslanderthatshalldwellwithme.Andwhatwouldthatbe.thinkyou?marry,this:Theywouldgiveout,becausemy

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wifeisfair,Myselfbutlatelymarried,andmysister

HeresojourningavirgininmyHOT

-1Iwerejealous!—nay,assureasdeath,Thattheywouldsay:and,howthatIhadquarrelMybrotherpurposely,therebytofindAnaptpretexttobanishthemmyhouse.

Dou:Mass,perhapsso:they'relikeenoughtodoit.

K'(.Brother,theywould,believeit;soshouldI,Likeoneofthesepenuriousquack-salvers,Butsetthebillsuptomineowndisgrace,Andtryexperimentsuponmyself;LendscornandenvyopportunityTostabmyreputationandgoodname—

EnterMasterMATHEWstrugglingwithBOBADILL.

Mat.Iwillspeaktohim.

Bob.Speaktohim!away!BythefootofPharaoh,youshallnot!youshallnotdohimthatgrace.—Thetimeofdaytoyou,gentlemano'thehouse.IsmasterWellbredstirring?

Dow.Howthen?whatshouldhedo?

Bob.Gentlemanofthehouse,itistoyou:ishewithin,sir?

Kit.Hecamenottohislodgingto-night,sir.Iassureyou.

Dow.Why,doyouhear?you!

Bob.Thegentlemancitizenhathsatisfiedme;I'lltalktonoscavenger.euntBob.andM

Dow.How!scavenger!stay.sir.stay!

Kit.Xay,brotherDownright.

Dow.'Heart!standyouaway,anyouloveme.

Kit.Youshallnotfollowhimnow,Iprayyou,brother,goodfaithyoushallnot;Iwilloverruleyou.

Dow.Ha!scavenger!well,goto,Isaylittle:but.bythisgoodday(GodforgivemeIshouldswear),ifIputitupso,sayIamtherankestcowthateverpist.Sleins,anIswallowthis.I'llne'erdrawmvswordinthesightofFleet-streeta^ainwhileIlive:I'll

t--

sitinabarnwithmadge-howlet.andcatchmicefirst.Scavenger!heart!—andI'llgoneartofillthathugetumbrel-slopofyourswithsomewhat,anIhavegoodluck:yourGaragantuabreechcannotcarryitawayso.

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Kil.Oh,donotfretyourselfthus:neverthinkon't.

Dow.Thesearemybrother'sconsorts,these!thesearehi?camerades,hiswalkingmates!he'sagallant,acavalierotoo,r;_hangmancut!Letmenotlive,anIcouldnotfindinmyheartt»s-uinerethewholegangof'em,oneafteranother,andbeginwithhimfirst.Iamgrieveditshouldbesaidheismybrother,andtaketl.-rees:Well,ashebrews,soshallhedrink,for(

again.Yetheshallhearon't,andthat'ytoo,anIlive,.

Kit.But.brother,letyourreprehension,thtu,Runinaneasycurrent,noto'erhi_rhCarriedwithlashnes-.ordevourinjr;

Butratheru.-ethesoftpersuading\\;ty,

Whosepowerswillworkmoregently,andcomposeTheimperfectthoughtsyoulabourtoreclaim;Morewinning,thanenforcingtheconsent.

Dow.Ay,ay,letmealoneforthat,Iwarrantyou.

Kit.Hownow![Bellrings.]Oh,thebellringstobreakfast.Brother,Iprayyougoin,andbearmywifecompanytillIcome;I'llbutgiveorderforsomedespatchofbusinesstomyservants.

[ExitDownright.

EnterCOB,withhistankard.

Kit.What,Cob!ourmaidswillhaveyoubytheback,i'faith,forcomingsolatethismorning.

Cob.Perhapsso,sir;takeheedsomebodyhavenotthembythebelly,forwalkingsolateintheevening.[Exit.

Kit.Well;yetmytroubledspirit'ssomewhateased,ThoughnotreposedinthatsecurityAsIcouldwish:butImustbecontent,Howe'erIsetafaceon'ttotheworld.WouldIhadlostthisfingerataventure,SoWellbredhadne'erlodgedwithinmyhouse.Wliy'tcannotbe,wherethereissuchresortOfwantongallants,andyoungrevellers,Thatanywomanshouldbehonestlong.Is'tlike,thatfactiousbeautywillpreserveThepublicwealofchastityunshaken,Whensuchstrongmotivesmuster,andmakeheadAgainsthersinglepeace?No,no:beware.Whenmutualappetitedothmeettotreat,AndspiritsofonekindandqualityComeoncetoparleyintheprideofblood,Itisnoslowconspiracythatfollows.Well,tobeplain,ifIbutthoughtthetimeHadanswer'dtheiraffections,alltheworldShouldnotpersuademebutIwereacuckold.Marry,Ihopetheyhavenotgotthatstart;Foropportunityhathbalk'dthemyet,Andshalldostill,whileIhaveeyesandearsToattendtheimpositionsofmyheart.Mypresenceshallbeasanironbar,'Twixttheconspiringmotionsofdesire:Yea,everylookorglancemineeyeejectsShallcheckoccasion,asonedothhisslave,Whenheforgetsthelimitsofprescription.

EnterDameKITELYandBRIDGET.

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DameK.SisterBridget,prayyoufetchdowntherose-water,aboveinthecloset.[ExitBridget.

—Sweet-heart,willyoucomeintobreakfast?

Kit.Anshehaveoverheaidmenow!—

DameK.Ipraythee,goodmuss,westayforyou.

Kit.Byheaven,Iwouldnotforathousandangels.

DameK.Whatailyou,sweet-heart?areyounotwell?speak,goodmuss.

Kit.Trothmyheadakesextremelyonasudden.

DameK.[puttingherhandtohisforehead.]0,theLord!

Kit.Hownow!What?

DameK.Alas,howitburns!Muss,keepyouwarm;goodtruthitisthisnewdisease,there'sanumberaretroubledwithal.Forlove'ssake,sweet-heart,comein,outoftheair.

Kit.Howsimple,andhowsubtleareheranswers!Anewdisease,andmanytroubledwithit?Whytrue;sheheardme,alltheworldtonothing.

DameK.Ipraythee,goodsweet-heart,comein;theairwilldoyouharm,introth.

Kit.Theair!shehasmeinthewind.—Sweet-heart,I'llcometoyoupresently;'twillaway,Ihope.

DameK.PrayHeaven"itdo.[Exit.

Kit.Anewdisease!Iknownot,neworold,Butitmaywellbecall'dpoormortals'plague;For,likeapestilence,itdothinfectThehousesofthebrain.FirstitbeginsSolelytoworkuponthephantasy,Fillingherseatwithsuchpestiferousair,Assooncorruptsthejudgment;andfromthence.Sendslikecontagiontothememory:Stilleachtoothergivingtheinfection.WhichasasubtlevapourspreadsitselfConfusedlythrougheverysensivepart,TillnotathoughtormotioninthemindBefreefromtheblackpoisonofsuspect.Ah!butwhatmiseryisittoknowthis?Or,knowingit,towantthemind'serectionInsuchextremes?Well,Iwilloncemorestrivo,Inspiteofthisblackcloud,myselftobe,Andshakethefeveroffthatthusshakesme.[Exit.

SCEXElI.—MoorfieMs.EnterBRAINWORMdisguisedlikeamaimedSoU/'rr.

Brai.'Slid,Icannotchoosebutlaughtoseemyselftranslatedthus,fromapoorcreaturetoacreator;fornowmustIcreateanintolerablesortoflies,ormypresentprofessionlosesthegrace:andyetthelie,toamanofmycoat,isasominousafruitastheri<->.O,sir,itholdsforgoodpolityever,tohavethatoutwardlyinvilestestimation,thatinwardlyismostdeartous:somuchformyborrowedsliape.Well,thetrothis,myoldmasterintendstofollowmyyoungmaster,dry-tout,overMoorrieldstoLondon,thismorning;now,Iknowingofthis

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hunting-match,orratherconspiracy,

andtoinsinuatewithmyyoungmaster(forsomustwethatarebluewaiters,andmenofhopeandservicedo,orperhapswemaywearmotleyattheyear'send,andwhowearsmotley,youknow),havegotmeaforeinthisdisguise,determiningheretolieinambuscado,andintercepthiminthemid-way.IfIcanbutgethiscloke,hispurse,andhishat,nay,anythingtocuthimoff,thatis,tostayhisjourney,Veni,vidi,vici,ImaysaywithcaptainCaesar,Iammadeforever,i'faith.Well,nowImustpractisetogetthetruegarbofoneoftheselance-knights,myarmhere,andmy-—Odso!myyoungmaster,andhiscousin,masterStephen,asIamtruecounterfeitmanofwar,andnosoldier!

EnterE.KNOWELLandSTEPHEN.

E.Know.So,sir!andhowthen,coz?

Step.'Sfoot!Ihavelostmypurse,Ithink.

E.Know.How!lostyourpurse?where?whenhadyouit?

Step.Icannottell;stay.

Brai.'Slid,Iamafraidtheywillknowme:wouldIcouldgetbythem!

E.Know.What,haveyouit?

Step.No;IthinkIwasbewitched,I—[Cries.

E.Know.Nay,donotweeptheloss:hangit,letitgo.

Step.Oh,it'shere:No,anithadbeenlost,Ihadnotcared,butforajetringmistressMarysentme.

E.Know.Ajetring!0thepoesie,thepoesie?

Step.Fine,i'faith.—

ThoughFancysleep,Myloveisdeep.

Meaning,thatthoughIdidnotfancyher,yetshelovedmedearly.E.Know.Mostexcellent!Step.AndthenIsentheranother,andmypoesiewas,

Thedeeperthesweeter,I'llbejudg'dbySt.Peter.

E.Know.How,bySt.Peter?Idonotconceivethat.

Step.Marry,St.Peter,tomakeupthemetre.

E.Know.Well,therethesaintwasyourgoodpatron,hehelp'dyouatyourneed;thankhim,thankhim,

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Brai.Icannottakeleaveon'emso;Iwillventure,comewhatwill.[Comesforward.}Gentlemen,pleaseyouchangeafewcrownsforaveryexcellentbladehere?Iamapoorgentleman,asoldier,onethat,inthebetterstateofmyfortunes,scornedsomeanarefuge;butnowitisthehumourofnecessitytohaveitso.Youseemtobegentlemenwellaffectedtomartialmen,elseIshouldratherdiewithsilence,thanlivewithshame:however,vouchsafetorememberitismywantspeaks,notmyself;thisconditionagreesnotwithmyspirit—

E.Know.Wherehastthouserved?

Brai.Mayitpleaseyou,sir,inallthelatewarsofBohemia.Hungary,Dalmatia,Poland,wherenot,sir?Ihavebeenapoorservitorbyseaandlandanytimethisfourteenyears,andfollowedthefortunesofthebestcommandersinChristendom.IwastwiceshotatthetakingofAleppo,onceatthereliefofVienna;IhavebeenatMarseilles,Naples,andtheAdriaticgulf,agentleman-slaveinthegallies,thrice;whereIwasmostdangerouslyshotinthehead,throughboththethighs;andyet,beingthusmaimed,Iamvoidofmaintenance,nothingleftmebutmyscars,thenotedmarksofmyresolution.

*/

Step.Howwillyousellthisrapier,friend?

Brai.Generoussir,Ireferittoyourownjudgment;youareagentleman,givemewhatyouplease.

Step.True,Iamagentleman,Iknowthat,friend;butwhatthough!Iprayyousay,whatwouldyouask?

Brai.Iassureyou,theblademaybecomethesideorthighofthebestprinceinEurope.

E.Knoiv.Ay,withavelvetscabbard,Ithink.

Step.Nay,an'tbemine,itshallhaveavelvetscabbard,coz,that'sflat;I'dnotwearit,asitis,anyouwouldgivemeanangel.

Brai.Atyourworship'spleasure,sir;nay,'tisamostpureToledo.

Step.IhadratheritwereaSpaniard.Buttellme,whatshallIgiveyouforit?Anithadasilverhilt—

E.Know.Come,come,youshallnotbuyit:hold,there'sashilling,fellow;takethyrapier.

Step.Why,butIwillbuyitnow,becauseyousayso;andthere'sanothershilling,fellow;Iscorntobeout-bidden.What,shallIwalkwithacudgel,likeHigginbottom,andmayhavearapierformoney!

E.Know.Youmaybuyoneinthecity.

Step.Tut!I'llbuythisi'thefield,soIwill:Ihaveamindto't,because'tisafieldrapier.Tellmeyourlowestprice.

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E.Know.Youshallnotbuyit,Isay.

Step.Bythismoney,butIwill,thoughIgivemorethan'tisworth.

E.Know.Comeaway,youareafool.

Step.Friend,Iamafool,that'sgranted;butI'llhaveit,forthatword'ssake.Followmeforyourmoney.

Brai.Atyourservice,sir.[Exeunt.

SCENEIII.—AnotherPartofMoorfields.EnterKNOWELL.

Knair.Icannotlosethethoughtyetofthisletter,Senttomyson;norleavet'admirethechangeOfmanners,andthebreedingofouryouth\Yithinthekingdom,sincemyselfwasone.—WhenIwasyoung,helivednotinthestews

Dursthaveconceivedascorn,andutter'dit,

Onagrayhead;agewasauthority

Againstabuffoon,andamanhadthen

Acertainreverencepaiduntohisyears,

Thathadnonedueuntohislife:somuch

Thesanctityofsomeprevail'dforothers.

Butnowweallarefallen;youth,fromtheirfear,

Andage,fromthatwhichbredit,goodexample.

Nay,wouldourselveswerenotthefirst,evenparents,

Thatdiddestroythehopesinourownchildren;

Ortheynotlearn'dourvicesintheircradles,

Andsuck'dinourillcustomswiththeirmilk;

Erealltheirteethbeborn,ortheycanspeak,

Wemaketheirpalatescunning;thefirstwords

Weformtheirtongueswith,arelicentiousjests:

Canitcallwhore?crybastard?0,then,kissit!

Awittychild!can'tswear?thefather'sdarling!

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Giveittwoplums.Nay,ratherthan'tshalllearn

Nobawdysong,themotherherselfwillteachit!—

Butthisisintheinfancy,thedays

Ofthelongcoat;whenitputsonthebreeches,

Itwillputoffallthis:Ay,itislike,

Whenitisgoneintothebonealready!

No,no;thisdyegoesdeeperthanthecoat,

Orshirt,orskin;itstainsintotheliver,

Andheart,insome:and,ratherthanitshouldnot,

Notewhatwefathersdo!lookhowwelive!

Whatmistresseswekeep!atwhatexpense,

Inoursons'eyes!wheretheymayhandleourgifts,

Hearourlasciviouscourtships,seeourdalliance,

Tasteofthesameprovokingmeatswithus,

Toruinofourstates!Nay,whenourown

Portionisfled,topreyontheremainder,

Wecallthemintofellowshipofvice;

Bait'emwiththeyoungchamber-maid,toseal,

Andteach'emallbadwaystobuyaffliction.

Thisisonepath:buttherearemillionsmore,

Inwhichwespoilourown,withleadingthem.

Well,Ithankheaven,Ineveryetwashe

Thattravell'dwithmyson,beforesixteen,

ToshewhimtheVenetiancourtezans;

NorreadthegrammarofcheatingIhadmade,

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Tomysharpboy,attwelve;repeatingstill

Therule,Getmoney;still,getmoney,boy;

Nomatterbywhatmeans;moneywilldo

More,boy,thanmylord'sletter.NeitherhaveI

Drestsnailsormushroomscuriouslybeforehim,

Perfumedmysauces,andtaughthimhowtomakethem;

Precedingstill,withmygraygluttony,

Atalltheord'naries,andonlyfear'd

Hispalateshoulddegenerate,nothismanners.

Thesearethetradeoffathersnow;however,

?*Iyson,Ihope,hathmetwithinmythreshold

Xoneofthesehouseholdprecedents,whicharestrong,

Andswift,torapeyouthtotheirprecipice.

Butletthehouseathomebene'ersoclean

Swept,orkeptsweetfromfilth,naydustandcobwebs,

Ifhewillliveabroadwithhiscompanions,

Indungandleystals,itisworthafear;

Noristhedangerofconversingless

ThauallthatIhavemention'dofexample.

EnterBRAINWORM,disguisedasbefore.

Brai.Mymaster!nay,faith,haveatyou;Iamflesh'dnow,Ihavespedsowell.[Aside.]Worshipfulsir,Ibeseechyou,respecttheestateofapoorsoldier;Iamashamedofthisbasecourseoflife,—God'smycomfort—butextremityprovokesmeto't:whatremedy?

Know.Ihavenotforyou,now.

Brai.BythefaithIbearuntotruth,gentleman,itisnoordinarycustominme,butonlytopreservemanhood.Iprotesttoyou,amanIhavebeen:amanImaybe,byyoursweetbounty.

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Know.Praythee,goodfriend,besatisfied.

Brai.Goodsir,bythathand,youmaydothepartofakindgentleman,inlendingapoorsoldierthepriceoftwocansofbeer,amatterofsmallvalue:thekingofheavenshallpayyou,andIshallrestthankful:Sweetworship—

Know.Nay,anyoubesoimportunate—

Brai.Oh,tendersir!needwillhaveitscourse:Iwasnotmadetothisvileuse.Well,theedgeoftheenemycouldnothaveabatedmesomuch:it'shardwhenamanhathservedinhisprince'scause,andbethus.[IFeeps.]Honourableworship,letmederiveasmallpieceofsilverfromyou,itshallnotbegiveninthecourseoftime.Bythisgoodground,Iwasfaintopawnmyrapierlastnightforapoorsupper;Ihadsuck'dthehiltslongbefore,Iamapaganelse:Sweethonour—

Know.Believeme,Iamtakenwithsomewonder,Tothinkafellowofthyoutwardpresence,Should,intheframeandfashionofhisinind,Besodegenerate,andsordid-base.Artthouaman?andsham'stthounottobeg,Topractisesuchaservilekindoflife?Why,werethyeducationne'ersomean,Havingthylimbs,athousandfairercoursesOfferthemselvestothyelection.Eitherthewarsmightstillsupplythywants,Orserviceofsomevirtuousgentleman,Qrhonestlabour;nay,whatcanIname,putwouldbecomethcebetterthanto

Butmenofthyconditionfeedonsloth,

Asdoththebeetleonthedungshebreedsin;

Norcaringhowthemetalofyourminds

Iseatenwiththerustofidleness.

Now,aforeme,whate'erhebe,thatshould

Relieveapersonofthyquality,

Whilethouinsist'stinthisloosedesperatecourse,

Iwouldesteemthesinnotthine,buthis.

Brai.Faith,sir,Iwouldgladlyfindsomeothercourse,ifso—

Know.Ay,You'dgladlyfindit,butyouwillnotseekit.

Brai.Alas,sir,whereshouldamanseek?inthewars,there'sno

ascentbydesertinthesedays;butandforservice,woulditwere

assoonpurchased,aswishedfor!theair'smycomfort.—[Sighs.]—IknowwhatIwouldsay.

Know.What'sthyname?

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Brai.Pleaseyou,Fitz-Sword,sir.

Know.Fitz-Sword!

Saythatamanshouldentertaintheenow,Wouldstthoubehonest,humble,just,andtrue?

Brai.Sir,bytheplaceandhonourofasoldier—

Know.Nay,nay,Ilikenottheseaffectedoaths;speakplainly,man,whatthink'stthouofmywords?

Brai.Nothing,sir,butwishmyfortuneswereashappyasmyserviceshouldbehonest.

Know.Well,followme;I'llprovethee,ifthydeedsWillcarryaproportiontothywords.[Exit.

Brai.Yes,sir,straight;I'llbutgartermyhose.Ohthatmybellywerehoop'dnow,forIamreadytoburstwithlaughing!neverwasbottleorbagpipefuller.'Slid,wasthereeverseenafoxinyearstobetrayhimselfthus!nowshallIbepossestofallhiscounsels;and,bythatconduit,myyoungmaster.Well,heisresolvedtoprovemyhonesty;faith,andI'mresolvedtoprovehispatience:Oh,Ishallabusehimintolerably.Thissmallpieceofservicewillbringhimcleanoutoflovewiththesoldierforever.Hewillnevercomewithinthesignofit,thesightofacassock,oramusket-restagain.HewillhatethemustersatMile-endforit,tohisdyingday.It'snomatter,lettheworldthinkmeabadcounterfeit,itIcannotgivehimtheslipataninstant:why,thisisbetterthantohavestaidhisjourney:well,I'llfollowhim.Oh,howIlongtobeemployed![Exit.

EveryManinHisHumour583

ACTIII

SCENEI.—TheOldJewry.ARoomintheWindmillTavern.EntfrMasterMATHEW,WELLBRED,andBOBADILL.

Mat.Yes,faith,sir,wewereatyourlodgingtoseekyoutoo.

\Vel.Oh,Icamenotthereto-night.

Bob.Yourbrotherdeliveredusasmuch.

Wei.Who,mybrotherDownright?

Bob.He.Mr.Wellbred,Iknownotinwhatkindyouholdme;butletmesaytoyouthis:assureashonour,Iesteemitsomuchoutofthesunshineofreputation,tothrowtheleastbeamofregarduponsucha—

Wei.Sir,Imusthearnoillwordsofmybrother.

Bob.Iprotesttoyou,asIhaveathingtobesavedaboutme,Ineversawanygentlemanlikepart—

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Wei.Goodcaptain,facesabouttosomeotherdiscourse.

Bob.Withyourleave,sir,antherewerenomoremenlivinguponthefaceoftheearth,Ishouldnotfancyhim,bySt.George!

Mat.Troth,norI;heisofarusticalcut,Iknownothow:hedothnotcarryhimselflikeagentlemanoffashion.

Wei.Oh,masterMathew,that'sagracepeculiarbuttoafew,quosoequusamavitJupiter.

Mat.Iunderstandyou,sir.

\Yel.Noquestion,youdo,—ordoyounot,sir.

EnterE.KNOWELLandMasterSTEPHEN.

NedKnowell!bymysoul,welcome:howdostthou,sweetspirit,mygenius?'Slid,IshallloveApolloandthemadThespiangirlsthebetter,whileIlive,forthis,mydearFury;now,Iseethere'ssomeloveinthee.Sirrah,thesebethetwoIwrittotheeof:nay,whatadrowsyhumouristhisnow!whydostthounotspeak?

E.Know.Oh,youareafinegallant;yousentmearareletter.

\\'el.Why,was'tnotrare?

E.Know.Yes,I'llbesworn,Iwasne'erguiltyofreadingthelike;matchitinallPliny,orSymmachus'sepistles,andI'llhavemyjudgmentburn'dintheearforarogue:makemuchofthyvein,foritisinimitable.ButImariewhatcamelitwas,thatha-1thecarriageofit;for,doubtless,hewasnoordinarybeastthatbroughtit.

ItW.Why?

E.Know.Why,say'stthou!why,dostthouthinkthatanvreasonablecreature,especiallyinthemorning,thesolx-i-timeofthedaytoo,couldhavemistakenmyfathertorme?

\\'fl.'Slid,yonjest,Ihope.

E.Kiiain.Indeed,thebestusewecanturnitto.istomak'jr-ton't.n«\v:tintI'llassureyou,myt'alln-rhadthefull\u-\\ofyourflourishingstylesomehourbeforeIsawit.

Wel.Whatadullslavewasthis!but,sirrah,whatsaidhetoit,i'faith?

E.Know.Nay,Iknownotwhathesaid;butIhaveashrewdguesswhathethought.

Wel.What,what?

E.Know.Marry,thatthouartsomestrange,dissoluteyoungfellow,andI—agrainortwobetter,forkeepingtheecompany.

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Wel.Tut!thatthoughtislikethemooninherlastquarter,'twillchangeshortly:but,sirrah,Ipraytheebeacquaintedwithmytwohang-by'shere;thouwilttakeexceedingpleasureinthemifthouhear'st'emoncego;mywind-instruments;I'llwindthem

upButwhatstrangepieceofsilenceisthis,thesignofthe

.DumbMan?

E.Know.Oh,sir,akinsmanofmine,onethatmaymakeyourmusicthefuller,anheplease;hehashishumour,sir.

Wel.Oh,whatis't,whatis't?

E.Know.Nay,I'llneitherdoyourjudgmentnorhisfollythatwrong,astoprepareyourapprehension:I'llleavehimtothemercyofyoursearch;ifyoucantakehim,so!

Wel.Well,captainBobadill,masterMathew,prayyouknowthisgentlemanhere;heisafriendofmine,andonethatwilldeserveyouraffection.Iknownotyourname,sir,[toStephen.]butIshallbegladofanyoccasiontorendermemorefamiliartoyou.

Step.MynameismasterStephen,sir;Iamthisgentleman'sowncousin,sir;hisfatherismineuncle,sir:Iamsomewhatmelancholy,butyoushallcommandme,sir,inwhatsoeverisincidenttoagentleman.

Bob.Sir,Imusttellyouthis,Iamnogeneralman;butformasterWellbred'ssake,(youmayembraceitatwhatheightoffavouryouplease,)Idocommunicatewithyou,andconceiveyoutobeagentlemanofsomeparts;Ilovefewwords.

E.Know.AndIfewer,sir;Ihavescarceenoughtothankyou.

Mat.Butareyou,indeed,sir,sogiventoit?

Step.Ay,truly,sir,Iammightilygiventomelancholy.

Mat.Oh,it'syouronlyfinehumour,sir:yourtruemelancholybreedsyourperfectfinewit,sir.Iammelancholymyself,divertimes,sir,andthendoInomorebuttakepenandpaper,presently,andoverflowyouhalfascore,oradozenofsonnetsatasitting.

E.Know.Sureheuttersthemthenbythegross.[Aside.

Step.Truly,sir,andIlovesuchthingsoutofmeasure.

E.Know.I'faith,betterthaninmeasure,I'llundertake.

Mat.Why,Iprayyou,sir,makeuseofmystudy,it'satyourservice.

Step.Ithankyou,sir,IshallbeboldIwarrantyou;haveyouastooltheretobemelancholyupon?

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Mat.ThatIhave,sir,andsomepapersthereofmineowndoing,atidlehours,thatyou'llsaythere'ssomesparksofwitin'em,whenyouseethem.

EveryManinHisHumour585

Wel.Wouldthesparkswouldkindleonce,andbecomeafireamongstthem!Imightseeself-loveburntforherheresy.[Atide.

Step.Cousin,isitwell?amImelancholyenough?

E.Know.Ohay,excellent.

Wel.CaptainBobadill,whymuseyouso?

E.Know.Heismelancholytoo.

Bob.Faith,sir,Iwasthinkingofamosthonourablepieceofservice,wasperformedto-morrow,beingSt.Mark'sday,shallbesometenyearsnow.

E.Know.Inwhatplace,captain?

Bob.Why,atthebeleagueringofStrigonium,where,inlessthantwohours,sevenhundredresolutegentlemen,asanywereinEurope,losttheirlivesuponthebreach.I'lltellyou,gentlemen,itwasthefirst,butthebestleaguerthateverIbeheldwiththeseeves,exceptthetakinginof—whatdoyoucallit?lastyear,bytheGenoways;butthat,ofallother,wasthemostfatalanddangerousexploitthateverIwasrangedin,sinceIfirstborearmsbeforethefaceoftheenemy,asIamagentlemanandasoldier!

Step.So!IhadasliefasanangelIcouldswearaswellasthatgentleman.

E.Know.Then,youwereaservitoratboth,itseems;atStrigonium,andwhatdoyoucall't?

Bob.Olord,sir!BySt.George,Iwasthefirstmanthatenteredthebreach;andhadInoteffecteditwithresolution,IhadbeenslainifIhadhadamillionoflives.

E.Know.'Twaspityyouhadnotten;acat'sandyourown,i'faith.But,wasitpossible?

Mat.Prayyoumarkthisdiscourse,sir.

Step.SoIdo.

Bob.Iassureyou,uponmyreputation,'tistrue,andyourselfs!allconfess.

E.Know.Youmustbringmetotherack,first.[Aside.

Bob.Observemejudicially,sweetsir;theyhadplantedmethreedemi-culverinsjustinthemouthofthebreach;now,sir,asweweretogiveon,theirmaster-gunner(amanofnomeanskillandmark,youmustthink,)confrontsmewithhislinstock,readytogivefire;I,spyinghisintendment,dischargedmypetronelinhisbosom,andwiththesesinglearms,mypoor

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n'pi-r.ranviolentlyupontheMoorsthatguardedtheordnance,andputthempell-melltothesword.

Wel.Tothesword!Totherapier,captain.

E.Know.Oh,itwasagoodfigureobserved,sir:butdidyouallthis,captain,withouthurtingyourblade?

I>>h.Withoutanyimpeacho'theearth:youshallperceive,sir.l^hfwshisrapter.]Itisthemostfortunateweaponthateverri!onpoorgentleman'sthi'_rh.ShallItellyou,sir?YoutalkofMorglay,Excalibur,Durindana,orso;tut!Ilendnocredittothatisfabledof'em:Ikn<>\vthevirtueofmine-<nvn,andthereforetheboldliermaintainit.

Step.ImariewhetheritbeaToledoorno.

Bob.AmostperfectToledo,Iassureyou,sir.

Step.Ihaveacountrymanofhishere.

Mat.Prayyou,let'ssee,sir;yes,faith,itis.

Bob.ThisaToledo!Pish!

Step.Whydoyoupish,captain?

Bob.AFleming,byheaven!I'llbuythemforaguildera-piece,anIwouldhaveathousandofthem.

E.Know.Howsayyou,cousin?Itoldyouthusmuch.

Wei.Whereboughtyouit,masterStephen?

Step.Ofascurvyroguesoldier:ahundredoflicegowithhim!HesworeitwasaToledo.

Bob.Apoorprovantrapier,nobetter.

Mat.Mass,Ithinkitbeindeed,nowIlookon'tbetter.

E.Know.Nay,thelongeryoulookon't,theworse.Putitup,putitup.

Step.Well,Iwillputitup;butby—Ihaveforgotthecaptain'soath,Ithoughttohaveswornbyit—ane'erImeethim—

Wei.O,itispasthelpnow,sir;youmusthavepatience.

Step.Whoreson,coney-hatchingrascal!Icouldeattheveryhiltsforanger.

E.Know.Asignofgooddigestion;youhaveanostrichstomach,cousin.

Step.Astomach!wouldIhadhimhere,youshouldseeanIhadastomach.

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WeLIt'sbetterasitis.—Come,gentlemen,shallwego?

EnterBRAINWORM,disguisedasbefore.

E.Know.Amiracle,cousin;lookhere,lookhere!

Step.Oh—'Od'slid.Byyourleave,doyouknowme,sir?

Brai.Ay,sir,Iknowyoubysight.

Step.Yousoldmearapier,didyounot?

Brai.Yes,marrydidI,sir.

Step.YousaiditwasaToledo,ha?

Brai.True,Ididso.

Step.Butitisnone.

Brai.No,sir,Iconfessit;itisnone.

Step.Doyouconfessit?Gentlemen,bearwitness,hehasconfestit:—'Od'swill,anyouhadnotconfestit—

E.Know.Oh,cousin,forbear,forbear!

Step.Nay,Ihavedone,cousin.

Wei.Why,youhavedonelikeagentleman;hehasconfestit,whatwouldyoumore?

Step.Yet,byhisleave,heisarascal,underhisfavour,doyousee.

E.Know.Ay,byhisleave,heis,andunderfavour:aprettypieceofcivility!Sirrah,howdostthoulikehim?

Wei.Oh,it'samostpreciousfool,makemuchonhim:Icancomparehimtonothingmorehappilythanadrum;foreveryonemayplayuponhim.

EveryManinHisHumour587

E.Know.No,no,achild'swhistlewerefarthefitter.Brai.ShallIintreatawordwithyou?

E.Know.Withme,sir?youhavenotanotherToledotosell,havevou?

•/

Brai.Youareconceited,sir:YournameisMasterKnowell,asItakeit?

E.Know.Youareintheright;youmeannottoproceedinthecatechism,doyou?

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Brai.No,sir;Iamnoneofthatcoat.

E.Know.Ofasbareacoat,though:well,say,sir.

Brai.[takingE.Know,aside.]Faith,sir,Iambutservanttothedrumextraordinary,andindeed,thissmokyvarnishbeingwashedoft,andthreeorfourpatchesremoved,Iappearyourworship'sinreversion,afterthedeceaseofyourgoodfather,Brainworm.

E.Know.Brainworm!'Slight,whatbreathofaconjurerhathblowntheehitherinthisshape?

Brai.Thebreathofyourletter,sir,thismorning;thesamethatblewyoutotheWindmill,andyourfatherafteryou.

E."Know.Myfather!

Brai.Nay,neverstart,'tistrue;hehasfollowedyouoverthefieldsbythefoot,asyouwoulddoahareinthesnow.

E.Know.SirrahWellbred,whatshallwedo,sirrah?myfatheriscomeoverafterme.

Wei.Thyfather!Whereishe?

Brai.AtjusticeClement'shouse,inColeman-street,wherehebutstaysmyreturn;andthen—

Wei.Who'sthis?Brainworm!

Brai.Thesame,sir.

Wei.Whyhow,inthenameofwit,com'stthoutransmutedthus?

Brai.Faith,adevice,adevice;nay,fortheloveotreason,gentlemen,andavoidingthedanger,standnothere;withdraw,andI'lltellyouall.

Wei.Butartthousurehewillstaythyreturn?

Brai.DoIlive,sir?whataquestionisthat!

Wei.We'llproroguehisexpectation,then,alittle:Brainworm,thoushaltgowithus.—Comeon,gentlemen.—Nay,Ipraythee,sweetNed,droopnot;'heart,anourwitsbesowretchedlydull,thatoneoldploddingbraincanoutstripusall,wouldweweree'enpresttomakeportersof,andserveouttheremnantofourdaysinThames-street,oratCustom-housekey,inacivilwaraiiain.-tthecarmen!

Brai.Amen,amen,amen,sayI.

SCENEII.—TheOldJewry.KITKI.Y'SWardmuse.EnterKITELYandCASH.

Kit.Whatsayshe,Thomas?didyouspeakwithhim?GY/.s//.{fewillexpectyou,sir,withinthishalthour.Kit.Hashethemoneyready,canyoutell?

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Cash.Yes,sir,themoneywasbroughtinlastnight.

Kit.0,tiiatiswell;fetchmemycloak,mycloak!—

[ExitCash.

Stay,letmesee,anhourtogoandcome:Ay,thatwillbetheleast;andthen'twillboAnhourbeforeIcandispatchwithhim,Orverynear;well,Iwillsaytwohours.Twohours!ha!thingsneverdreamtofyet,Maybecontrived,ay,andeffectedtoo,Intwohours'absence;well,Iwillnotgo.Twohours!Xo,fleeringOpportunity,Iwillnotgiveyoursubtiltythatscope.Whowillnotjudgehimworthytoberobb'd,Thatsetshisdoorswideopentoathief,Andshewsthefelonwherehistreasurelies?Again,whatearthlyspiritbutwillattemptTotastethefruitofbeauty'sgoldentree,Whenleadensleepsealsupthedragon'seyes?Iwillnotgo.Business,gobyforonce.Xo,beauty,no;youareoftoogoodcaract,Tobeleftso,withoutaguard,oropen.Yourlustre,too,'11inflameatanydistance,Drawcourtshiptoyou,asajetdothstraws;Putmotioninastone,strikefirefromice,Xay,makeaporterleapyouwithhisburden.Youmustbethenkeptup,close,andwellwatch'd,For.giveyouopportunity,noquick-sandDevoursorswallowsswifter!HethatlendsHiswife,ifshebefair,ortimeorplace,Compelshertobefalse.Iwillnotgo!Thedangersaretoomany;—andthenthedressingIsamostmainattractive!OurgreatheadsWithinthiscityneverwereinsafetySinceourwivesworetheselittlecaps:I'llchange'ern;I'llchange'emstraightinmine:mineshallnomoreWearthree-piledacorns,tomakemyhornsake.XorwillIgo;Iamresolvedforthat.

Re-enterCASHwithacloak.

Carryinmycloakagain.Yetstay.Yetdo,too:1willdefergoing,onalloccasions.

Cash.Sir,Snare,yourscrivener,willbetherewiththebonds.

Kit.That'strue:foolonme!Ihadcleanforgotit;Imustgo.What'saclock?

Ca&h.Exchange-time,sir.

Kit.'Heart,thenwillWellbredpresentlybeheretoo,Withoneorotherofhislooseconsorts.Iamaknave,ifIknowwhattosay,Whatcoursetotake,orwhichwaytoresolve.

EveryManinHisHumour589

Mybrain,methinks,islikeanhour-glassWhereinniyimaginationsrunlikesands,Fillinguptime;butthenareturn'dandturii'd:SothatIknownotwhattostayupon,Andless,toputinact.—Itshallbeso.Xay,Idarebuilduponhissecrecy,Heknowsnottodeceiveme.—Thomas!

Cash.Sir.

Kit.YetnowIhavebethoughtmetoo,Iwillnot.—Thomas,isCobwithin?

Cash.Ithinkhebe,sir.

Kit.Buthe'llpratetoo,thereisnospeechofhim.Xo,therewerenomanontheearthto

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Thomas,IfIdursttrusthim;thereisallthedoubt.Butshouldhehaveaclinkinhim,Iweregone.Lostinmyfameforever,talkforth'Exchange!Themannerhehathstoodwith,tillthispresent,Dothpromisenosuchchange:whatshouldIfearthen?Well,comewhatwill,I'lltemptmyfortuneonce.Thomas—youmaydeceiverne,but,Ihope—Yourlovetomeismore—

Cash.Sir,ifaservant's

Duty,withfaith,maybecall'dlove,youareMorethaninhope,youarepossess'dofit.

Kit.Ithankyouheartily,Thomas:givemeyourhand:Withallmyheart,goodThomas.Ihave,Thomas,Asecrettoimpartuntoyou—but,Whenonceyouhaveit,Imustsealyourlipsup;SofarItellyou,Thomas.

Cash.Sir,forthat—

Kit.Xay,hearmeout,ThinkIesteemyou,Thomas,WhenIwillletyouinthustomyprivate.Itisathingsitsnearertomycrest.Thanthouart'wareof,Thomas;ifthoushould'stRevealit,but—

•<h.How,Irevealit?

Kit.Xav,

IdonotthinkthouwouM>t;butift.uiishould'st,'T\vereagreatweakness.

Cash.A_Teattreachery:

Giveitnoothername.

Kit.Tii>'iwiltnotdo't.then?

C'<3ir,ifIdo.mankinddi^.-laimmeever!

Kit.Hewillnotswear,liehassomereservati

meconceal'dpu;;•£•..mlclosein-mini:BUI.•1somuch.ho\vslmul1heeli>»

^y^2

natlendanoathtoallthisju-.r-n'!

'ano]>ivc;>iin,tiiitI'mcertain.KoaiauCatholic:he'llj.l.iv

Atfayles,andtick-tack;Ihaveheardhimswear.WhatshouldIthinkofit?urgehimagain,Andbysomeotherway!Iwilldoso.Well,Thomas,thouhastswornnottodisclose:—Yes,youdidswear?

Cash.Notyet,sir,butIwill,

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Pleaseyou—

Kit.No,Thomas,Idaretakethyword,

But,ifthouwiltswear,,doasthouthink'stgood;Iamresolv'dwithoutit;atthypleasure.

Cash.Bymysoul'ssafetythen,sir,Iprotest,Mytongueshallne'ertakeknowledgeofawordDeliver'dmeinnatureofyourtrust.

Kit.Itistoomuch;theseceremoniesneednot:Iknowthyfaithtobeasfirmasrock.Thomas,comehither,near;wecannotbeTooprivateinthisbusiness.Soitis,—

Nowhehassworn,Idarethesafelierventure.[Aside.

Ihaveoflate,bydiversobservations—Butwhetherhisoathcanbindhim,yea,orno,Beingnottakenlawfully?ha!sayyou?

IwillaskcouncilereIdoproceed:—[Aside.

Thomas,itwillbenowtoolongtostay,I'llspysomefittertimesoon,orto-morrow.

Cash.Sir,atyourpleasure.

Kit.Iwillthink:—and,Thomas,

Iprayyousearchthebooks'gainstmyreturn,Forthereceipts'twixtmeandTraps.

Cash.Iwill,sir.

Kit.Andhearyou,ifyourmistress'sbrother,Wellbred,Chancetobringhitheranygentleman,EreIcomeback,letonestraightbringmeword.

Cash.Verywell,sir.

Kit.TotheExchange,doyouhear?

OrhereinColeman-street,tojusticeClement's.Forgetitnot,norbenotoutoftheway.

Cash.Iwillnot,sir.

Kit.Iprayyouhaveacareon't.

Or,whetherhecomeorno,ifanyother,Stranger,orelse;failnottosendmeword.

Cash.Ishallnot,sir.

Kit.Beityourspecialbusiness

Nowtorememberit.

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Cash.Sir,Iwarrantyou.

Kit.But,Thomas,thisisnotthesecret,Thomas,Itoldyouof.

Cash.No,sir;Idosupposeit.

Kit.Believeme,itisnot.

Cash.Sir,Idobelieveyou.

EveryManinHisHumour591

Kit.Byheavenitisnot,that'senough:but,Thomas,Iwouldnotyoushouldutterit,doyousee,Toanycreatureliving;yetIcarenot.Well,Imusthence.Thomas,conceivethusmuch;Itwasatrialofyou,whenImeantSodeepasecrettoyou,Imeannotthis,ButthatIhavetotellyou;thisisnothing,this.But,Thomas,keepthisfrommywife,Ichargeyou,Lock'dupinsilence,midnight,buriedhere.—Nogreaterhellthantobeslavetofear.[Exit.

Cash.Lock'dupinsilence,midnight,buriedhere!Whenceshouldthisfloodofpassion,trow,takehead?ha!Bestdreamnolongerofthisrunninghumour,ForfearIsink;theviolenceofthestreamAlreadyhathtransportedmesofar,ThatIcanfeelnogroundatall:butsoft—Oh,'tisourwater-bearer:somewhathascrosthimnow.

EnterCOB,hastily.

Cob.Fasting-days!whattellyoumeoffasting-days?'Slid,wouldtheywereallonalightfireforme!theysaythewholeworldshallbeconsumedwithfireoneday,butwouldIhadtheseEmber-weeksandvillanousFridaysburntinthemeantime,andthen—

Cash.WThy,hownow,Cob?whatmovestheetothischoler,ha?

Cob.Collar,masterThomas!Iscornyourcollar,I,sir;Iamnoneo'yourcart-horse,thoughIcarryanddrawwater.Anyouoffertoridemewithyourcollarorhaltereither,Imayhapshewyouajade'strick,sir.

Cash.0,you'llslipyourheadoutofthecollar?why,goodmanCob,youmistakeme.

Cob.Nay,Ihavemyrheum,andIcanbeangryaswellasanother,sir.

Cash.Thyrheum.Cob!thyhumour,thyhumour—thoumis-tak'st.

Cob.Humour!mack,Ithinkitbesoindeed;whatisthathumour?somerarething,Iwarrant.

Cash.MarryI'lltellthee,Cob:itisagentlemanlikemonster,bredinthespecialgallantryofourtime,byaffectation;andfedbyfolly.

Cob.How!mustitbefed?

Cash.Ohay,humourisnothingifitbenotfed:didstthouneverhearthat?it'sacommon

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phrase,feed/////humour.

Cob.I'llnoneonit:humour,avaunt!Iknowyounot,begone!letwhowillmakehungrymealsforyourmonster-ship,itshallnotbeI.Feedyou,quothhe!'slid,Ihavemuchadotofeedmyself;especiallyontheseleanrascallydaystoo;an'thadbeena\\otherdaybutafasting-day—aplagueonthemalltorme!Bythislight,onemighthavedonethecommonwealthi^oodservice,andhavednnvn'dthemallintheflood,twoorthreehuadredthousand

yearsago.O,Idostomachthemhugely.Ihaveamawnow,and'twereforsirBevishishorse,againstthem.

Cash.Ipraythee,goodCob,whatmakestheesooutoflovewithfastingdays?

Cob.Marry,thatwhichwillmakeanymanoutoflovewith'era,Ithink;theirbadconditions,anyouwillneedsknow.First,theyareofaFlemishbreed,Iamsureon't,fortheyravenupmorebutterthanallthedaysoftheweekbeside;next,theystinkoffishandleek-porridgemiserably;thirdly,they'llkeepamandevoutlyhungryallday,andatnightsendhimsupperlesstobed.

Cash.Indeed,thesearefaults,Cob.

Cob.Nay,anthiswereall,'tweresomething;buttheyaretheonlyknownenemiestomygeneration.Afasting-daynosoonercomes,butmylineagegoestowrack;poorcobs!theysmoakforit,theyaremademartyrso'thegridiron,theymeltinpassion:andyourmaidstoknowthis,andyetwouldhavemeturnHannibal,andeatmyownfleshandblood.Myprincelycoz,[pullsoutaredherring.]fearnothing;Ihavenotthehearttodevouryou,anImightbemadeasrichaskingCophetua.OthatIhadroomformytears,Icouldweepsalt-waterenoughnowtopreservethelivesoftenthousandthousandofmykin!ButImaycursenonebutthesefilthyalmanacks;foran'twerenotforthem,thesedaysofpersecutionwouldneverbeknown.I'llbehang'dansomefishmonger'ssondonotmakeof'em,andputsinmorefasting-daysthanheshoulddo,becausehewouldutterhisfather'sdriedstockfishandstinkingconger.

Cash.'Slightpeace!thou'ltbebeatenlikeastock-fishelse:here'smasterMathew.

EnterWELLBRED,E.KNOWELL,BRAINWORM,MATHEW,BOBADILL,andSTEPHEN.

NowmustIlookoutforamessengertomymaster.[ExitwithCob.

}Vel.Beshrewme,butitwasanabsolutegoodjest,andexceedinglywellcarried!

E.Know.Ay,andourignorancemaintain'ditaswell,diditnot?

Wei.Yes,faith;butwasitpossiblethoushouldstnotknowhim?IforgivemasterStephen,forheisstupidityitself.

E.Know.'ForeGod,notI,anImighthavebeenjoin'dpattenwithoneofthesevenwisemastersforknowinghim.HehadsoMrithenhimselfintothehabitofoneofyourpoor

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infantry,yourdecayed,ruinous,worm-eatengentlemenoftheround;suchashavevowedtositontheskirtsofthecity,letyourprovostandhishalf-dozenofhalberdiersdowhattheycan;andhavetranslatedbeggingoutoftheoldhackney-pacetoafineeasyamble,andmadeitrunassmoothoffthetongueasashove-groatshilling.Intothelikenessofoneofthesereformadoshadhemouldedhimselfsoperfectly,observingeverytrickoftheiraction,as,varyingtheaccent,swearingwithanemphasis,indeed,allwithsospecialandexquisiteagrace,that,hadstthouseenhim,thouwouldsthave

swornhemighthavebeensergeant-rnajor,ifnotlieutenant-coloneltotheregiment.

}Yd.Why,-Brainworm,whowouldhavethoughtthouhadstbeensuchanartificer?

E.Know.Anartiiicer!anarchitect.Exceptamanhadstudiedbeggingallhislifetime,andbeenaweaveroflanguagefromhisinfancyforthecloathingofit,Ineversawhisrival.

Wei.Wheregot'stthouthiscoat,Imarie?

Brai.OfaHounsditchman,sir,oneofthedevil'snearkinsmen,abroker.

}\'el.Thatcannotbe,iftheproverbhold;forAcraftyknaveneedsnobroker.

Brai.True,sir;butIdidneedabroker,ergo—

\\\l.Wellputoff:—nocraftyknave,you'llsay.

E.Know.Tut,hehasmoreoftheseshifts.

Brai.Andyet,whereIhaveonethebrokerhasten,sir.

Re-enterCASH.

Cash.Francis!Martin!ne'eraonetobefoundnow?whataspite'sthis!

Wei.Hownow,Thomas?IsmybrotherKitelywithin?

Cash.No,sir,mymasterwentforthe'ennow;butmasterDownrightiswithin.—Cob!what,Cob!Ishegonetoo?

\Vel.Whitherwentyourmaster,Thomas,canstthoutell?

Cash.Iknownot:tojusticeClement's,Ithink,sir—Cob!

[Exit.

E.Know.JusticeClement!what'she?

Wei.Why,dostthounotknowhim?Heisacity-magistrate,ajusticehere,anexcellentgoodlawyer,andagreatscholar;buttheonlymad,merryoldfellowinEurope.Ishewedhimyoutheotherday.

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E.Know.Oh,isthathe?Irememberhimnow.Goodfaith,andheisaverystrangepresencemethinks;itshewsasifhestoodoutoftherankfromothermen:IhaveheardmanyofhisjestsintheUniversity.Theysayhewillcommitamanfortakingthewallofhishorse.

Wei.Ay,orwearinghiscloakononeshoulder,orservingofGod;anything,indeed,ifitcomeinthewayofhishumour.

Re-enterCASH.

Cash.Gasper!Martin!Cob!'Heart,whereshouldtheybe.trow'!

linh.MasterKitely'sman,praytheevouchsafeusthelightingofthismatch.

Cash.Fireonyourmatch!notimebutnowtovouchsafe?—Francis!Cob![Exit.

Bob.Bodyo'me!here'stheremainderofsevenpoundsinceyesterdaywasseven-night.'TisyourrightTrim'Jado:didyounevertakeany,masterStephen?

Step.No,truly,sir;butI'lllearntotakeitnow,sinceyoucommenditso.

Bob.Sir,believeme,uponmyrelationforwhatItellyou,theworldshallnotreprove.IhavebeenintheIndies,wherethisherbgrows,whereneithermyself,noradozengentlemenmoreofmyknowledge,havereceivedthetasteofanyothernutrimentintheworld,forthespaceofoneandtwentyweeks,butthefumeofthissimpleonly:therefore,itcannotbe,but'tismostdivine.Further,takeitinthenature,inthetruekind;so,itmakesanantidote,that,hadyoutakenthemostdeadlypoisonousplantinallItaly,itshouldexpelit,andclarifyyou,withasmucheaseasIspeak.Andforyourgreenwound,—yourBalsamumandyourSt.John'swort,areallmeregulleriesandtrashtoit,especiallyyourTrinidado:yourNicotianisgoodtoo.IcouldsaywhatIknowofthevirtueofit,fortheexpulsionofrheums,rawhumours,crudities,obstructions,withathousandofthiskind;butIprofessmyselfnoquacksalver.Onlythusmuch;byHercules,Idoholdit,andwillaffirmitbeforeanyprinceinEurope,tobethemostsovereignandpreciousweedthatevertheearthtenderedtotheuseofman.

E.Know.Thisspeechwouldhavedonedecentlyinatobacco-trader'smouth.

Re-enterCASHwithCOB.

Cash.AtjusticeClement'sheis,inthemiddleofColeman-street.

Cob.Oh,oh!

Bob.Where'sthematchIgavethee,masterKitely'sman?

Cash.Wouldhismatchandhe,andpipeandall,wereatSanctoDomingo!Ihadforgotit.[Exit.

Cob.'Od'sme,Imariewhatpleasureorfelicitytheyhaveintakingthisroguishtobacco.It'sgoodfornothingbuttochokeaman,andfillhimfullofsmokeandembers:therewerefourdiedoutofonehouselastweekwithtakingofit,andtwomorethebellwentforyesternight;

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oneofthem,theysay,willneverscapeit;hevoidedabushelofsootyesterday,upwardanddownward.Bythestocks,antherewerenowisermenthanI,I'dhaveitpresentwhipping,manorwoman,thatshouldbutdealwithatobaccopipe:why,itwillstiflethemallintheend,asmanyasuseit;it'slittlebetterthanratsbaneorrosaker.\Eobadillbeatshim.

All.Oh,goodcaptain,hold,hold!

Bob.Youbasecullion,you!

Re-enterCASH.

Cash.Sir,here'syourmatch.Come,thoumustneedsbetalkingtoo,thou'rtwellenoughserved.

Cob.Nay,hewillnotmeddlewithhismatch,Iwarrantyou:well,itshallbeadearbeating,anIlive.

Bob.Doyouprate,doyoumurmur?

E.Know.Nay,goodcaptain,willyouregardthehumourofafool?Away,knave.

EveryManinHisHumour595

\Yd.Thomas,gethimaway.[ExitCashwithCob.

Bob.Awhoresonfilthyslave,adung-worm,anexcrement!Bodyo'Caesar,butthatIscorntoletforthsomeanaspirit,I'dhavestabb'dhimtotheearth.

Wei.Marry,thelawforbid,sir!

Bob.ByPharaoh'sfoot,Iwouldhavedoneit.

Step.Oh,heswearsmostadmirably!ByPharaoh'sfoot!Bodyo'Cyesar!—Ishallneverdoit,sure.Uponminehonour,andbySt.George!—No,Ihavenottherightgrace.

Mat.MasterStephen,willyouany?Bythisair,themostdivinetobaccothateverIdrunk.

Step.None,Ithankyou,sir.O,thisgentlemandoesitrarelytoo:butnothingliketheother.Bythisair![Practisesatthepost.]AsIamagentleman!By—[ExeuntBob.andMat.

Brai.[pointingtoMasterStephen.}Master,glance,glance!masterWellbred!

Step.AsIhavesomewhattobesaved,Iprotest—

Wei.Youareafool;itneedsnoaffidavit.

E.Know.Cousin,willyouanytobacco?

Step.I,sir!Uponmyreputation—

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E.Know.Hownow,cousin!

Step.Iprotest,asIamagentleman,butnosoldier,indeed—

Wei.No,masterStephen!AsIremember,yournameisenteredintheartillery-garden.

Step.Ay,sir,that'strue.Cousin,mayIswear,asIamasoldier,bythat?'

E.Know.Oyes,thatyoumay;itisallyouhaveforyourmoney.

Step.Then,asIamagentleman,andasoldier,itis"divinetobacco!'

Wei.Butsoft,where'smasterMathew?Gone?

Brai.No,sir;theywentinhere.

Wei.Olet'sfollowthem:masterMathewisgonetosalutehismistressinverse;weshallhavethehappinesstohearsomeofhispoetrynow;henevercomesunfinished.—Brainworm!

Step.Brainworm!Where?IsthisBrainworm?

E.Know.Ay,cousin;nowordsofit,uponyourgentility.

Step.NotI,bodyofme!Bythisair!St.George!andthefootofPharaoh!

Wei.Rare!Yourcousin'sdiscourseissimplydrawnoutwithoaths.

E.Know.'Tislardedwiththem;akindofFrenchdressing,ifyouloveit.[Exeunt.

SCENEIII.—Coleman-Slreet.ARoominJusticeCLEMENT'SHouse.

EnterKITELYandCOB.

Kit.Ha!howmanyarethere,say'stthou?Cob.Marry,sir,yourbrother,master\Velll>n-<]-

Kit.Tut,besidehim:whatstrangersarethere,man?

Cob.Strangers?letmesee,one,two;mass,Iknownotwell,therearesomany.

Kit.How!somany?

Cub.Ay,there'ssomefiveorsixofthematthemost.

Kit.Aswarm,aswarm!Spiteofthedevil,howtheystingmyheadWithforkedstings,thuswideandlarge!But,Cob,Howlonghastthoubeencominghither,Cob?

Cob.Alittlewhile,sir.

Kit.Didstthoucomerunning?

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Cob.No,sir.

Kit.Nay,thenIamfamiliarwiththyhaste.Banetomyfortunes!whatmeantItomarry2I,thatbeforewasrank'dinsuchcontent,Mymindatresttoo,insosoftapeace,Beingfreemasterofmineownfreethoughts,Andnowbecomeaslave?What!neversigh;Beofgoodcheer,man;forthouartacuckold:'Tisdone,'tisdone!Nay,whensuchflowing-store,Plentyitself,fallsintomywife'slap,Thecornucopiaswillbemine,Iknow.—But,Cob,

Whatentertainmenthadthey?IamsureMysisterandmywifewouldbidthemwelcome:ha?

Cob.Likeenough,sir;yet1heardnotawordoiit.

Kit.No;

Theirlipswereseal'dwithkisses,andthevoice,Drown'dinafloodofjoyattheirarrival,Hadlosthermotion,stateandfaculty.—Cob,

Whichofthemwasitthatfirstkiss'dmywife,Mysister,Ishouldsay?—Mywife,alas!1fearnother:ha!whowasitsav'stthou?

V

Cob.Bymytroth,sir,willyouhavethetruthofit?

Kit.Oh,ay,goodCob,Ipraytheeheartily.

Cob.ThenIamavagabond,andfitterforBridewellthanyourworship'scompany,ifIsawanybodytobekiss'd,unlesstheywouldhavekiss'dthepostinthemiddleofthewarehouse;forthereIleftthemallattheirtobacco,withapox!

Kit.How!weretheynotgoneinthenerethoucam'st?

Cob.0no,sir.

Kit.Spiteofthedevil!whatdoIstayherethen?Cob,followme.[Exit.

Cob.Nay,softandfair;Ihaveeggsonthespit;Icannotgoyet,sir.NowamI,forsomefiveandfiftyreasons,hammering,hammeringrevenge:ohforthreeorfourgallonsofvinegar,tosharpenmywits!Revenge,vinegarrevenge,vinegarandmustardrevenge!Nay,anhehadnotlieuinmyhouse,'twouldneverhave

grievedme;butbeingmyguest,onethat,I'llbesworn,mywifehaslenthimhersmockoffherback,whilehisownshirthasbeenatwashing;pawnedherneck-kerchersforcleanbandsforhim;soldalmostallmyplatters,tobuyhimtobacco;andhetoturnmonsterofingratitude,andstrikehislawfulhost!Well,Ihopetoraiseupanhostoffuryfor't:herecomesjusticeClement.

EnterJusticeCLEMENT,KNOWELL,andFORMAL.

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Clem.What'smasterKitelygone,Roger?

Form.Ay,sir.

Clem.'Hearto'me!whatmadehimleaveussoabruptly?—Hownow,sirrah!whatmakeyouhere?whatwouldyouhave,ha?

Cob.An'tpleaseyourworship,Iamapoorneighbourofyourworship's—

Clem.Apoorneighbourofmine!Why,speak,poorneighbour.

Cob.Idwell,sir,atthesignofthe\Vater-tankard,hardbytheGreenLattice:Ihavepaidscotandlotthereanytimethiseighteenyears.

Clem.TotheGreenLattice?

Cob.No,sir,totheparish:Marry,Ihaveseldomscapedscot-freeattheLattice.

Clem.0,well;whatbusinesshasmypoorneighbourwithme?

Cob.An'tlikeyourworship,Iamcometocravethepeaceofyourworship.

Clem.Ofme,knave!Peaceofme,knave!DidIeverhurtthee,orthreatenthee,orwrongthee,ha?

Cob.No,sir;butyourworship'swarrantforonethathaswrong'dme,sir:hisarmsareattoomuchliberty,Iwouldfainhavethemboundtoatreatyofpeace,anmycreditcouldcompassitwithyourworship.

Clem.Thougoestfarenoughaboutfor't,Iamsure.

A"no.Why,dostthougoindangerofthylifeforhim,friend?

Cob.No,sir;butIgoindangerofmydeatheveryhour,byhismeans;anIdiewithinatwelve-monthandaday,Imayswearbythelawofthelandthathekilledme.

Clem.How,how,knave,swearhekilledthee,andbythelaw?Whatpretence,whatcolourhastthouforthat?

Cob.Marry,an'tpleaseyourworship,bothblackandblue;'•!:>urenough,Iwarrantyou.Ihaveitheretoshewyourworship.

Clem.Whatishethatgaveyouthis,sirrah?

Cob.Agentlemanandasoldier,hosays,heis,ofthecityhere.

Clem.Asoldierofthecity!Whatcallyouhim?

Cob.CaptainBobadi'l.

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Clem.Bobadill!andwhydidhebobandbeatyou,sirrah?Howbeganthequarrelbetwixtyou,ha?speaktruly,knave,Iadviseyou.

''<>h.Marry,indeed,an'tpleaseyourworship,onlybecauseIspakeagainsttheirvagranttobacco,asIcamebythemwhentheyweretakingon't;fornothingcl.se.

Clem.Ha!youspeakagainsttobacco?Formal,hisname.

Form.What'syourname,sirrah?

Cob.Oliver,sir,OliverCob,sir.

Clem.TellOliverCobheshallgotothejail,Formal.

Form.OliverCob,mymaster,justiceClement,saysyoushallgotothejail.

Cob.0,Ibeseechyourworship,forGod'ssake,dearmasterjustice!

Clem.'Sprecious!ansuchdrunkardsandtankardsasyouare,cometodisputeoftobaccoonce,Ihavedone:awaywithhim!

Cob.0,goodmasterjustice!Sweetoldgentleman!

[ToKnowett.

Know."SweetOliver,"wouldIcoulddotheeanygood!—justiceClement,letmeintreatyou,sir.

Clem.What!athread-barerascal,abeggar,aslavethatneverdrunkoutofbetterthanpiss-potmetalinhislife!andhetodepraveandabusethevirtueofanherbsogenerallyreceivedinthecourtsofprinces,thechambersofnobles,thebowersofsweetladies,thecabinsofsoldiers!—Roger,awaywithhim!'Od'sprecious1say,goto.

Cob.Dearmasterjustice,letmebebeatenagain,Ihavedeservedit:butnottheprison,Ibeseechyou.

Know.Alas,poorOliver!

Clem.Roger,makehimawarrant:—heshallnotgo.Ibutfeartheknave.

Form.Donotstink,sweetOliver,youshallnotgo;mymasterwillgiveyouawarrant.

Cob.O,theLordmaintainhisworship,hisworthyworship!

Clem.Away,dispatchhim.[ExeuntFormalandCob.]Hownow,masterKnowell,indumps,indumps!Come,thisbecomesnot.

Know.Sir,wouldIcouldnotfeelmycares.

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Clem.Yourcaresarenothing:theyarelikemycap,soonputon,andassoonputoff.What!yoursonisoldenoughtogovernhimself:lethimrunhiscourse,it'stheonlywaytomakehimastaidman.Ifhewereanunthrift,aruffian,adrunkard,oralicentiousliver,thenyouhadreason;youhadreasontotakecare:but,beingnoneofthese,mirth'smywitness,anIhadtwicesomanycaresasyouhave,I'ddrownthemallinacupofsack.Come,come,let'stryit:Imuseyourparcelofasoldierreturnsnotallthiswhile.[Exeunt.

EveryManinHisHumour599

ACTIV

SCENEI.—ARoominKITELY'SHouse.EnterDOWNRIGHTandDameKITELY.

D»>r.Well,sister,Itellyoutrue;andyou'llfinditsointheend.

DameK.Alas,brother,whatwouldyouhavemetodo?Icannothelpit;youseemybrotherbringstheminhere;theyarehisfriends.

Dow.Hisfriends!hisfiends.'Slud!theydonothingbuthaunthimupanddownlikeasortofunluckyspirits,andtempthimtoallmannerofvillainythatcanbethoughtof.Well,bythislight,alittlethingwouldmakemeplaythedevilwithsomeofthem:an'twerenotmoreforyourhusband'ssakethananythingelse,I'dmakethehousetoohotforthebeston'em;theyshouldsay,andswear,hellwerebrokenloose,eretheywenthence.But,byGod'swill,'tisnobody'sfaultbutyours;foranyouhaddoneasyoumighthavedone,theyshouldhavebeenparboiled,andbakedtoo,everymother'sson,eretheyshouldhavecomein,e'eraoneofthem.

DameK.God'smylife!didyoueverhearthelike?whatastrangemanisthis!CouldIkeepoutallthem,thinkyou?Ishouldputmyselfagainsthalfadozenmen,shouldI?Goodfaith,you'dmadthepatien'stbodyintheworld,tohearyoutalkso,\vithoutanysenseorreason.

EnterMistressBRIDGET,MasterMATHEW,andBOBADILL;followed,atadistance,byWELLBRED,E.KNOWELL,STEPHEN,andBRAINWORM.

Brid.Servant,introthyouaretooprodigalOfyourwit'streasure,thustopouritforthrponsomeanasubjectasmyworth.

Mat.Yousaywell,mistress,andImeanaswell.

Dow.Hoy-day,hereisstuff!

l!W.<),MOWstandclose;prayHeaven,shecangethimtoread!heshoulddoitofhisownnaturalimpudency.

Brid.Servant,\\liatisthissame,Iprayyou?

Mat.Marry,anelegy,anelegy,anoddtoy—

D<a-.'\\,mockanapewithal!O,Icouldsewuphismouth,now.

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DameK.Sister,Iprayyoulet'shearit.

Dow.Areyourhyme-giventoo?

Mat.Mi-tress,I'llreaditifyouplease.

Brid.1'rayyoudo,servant.

1>ow.O,here'snofoppery!Death!Icanendurethestocksbetter.[Exit.

E.f\'ti"ir.Whatailsthybrother?canhenotholdhiswaterati!p_rofaLallad'.'

HY/.().no;arhymetohimi«worsethancheese,orabag-pipbutmark;youlosetheprotestation.

Mat.Faith,Ididitinahumour;Iknownothowitis;butpleaseyoucomenear,sir.Thisgentlemanhasjudgment,heknowshowtocensureofaprayyou,sir,youcanjudge?

Step.NotI,sir;uponmyreputation,andbythefootofPharaoh!

Wei.O,chideyourcousinforswearing.

E.Know.NotI,solongashedoesnotforswearhimself.

Bob.MasterMathew,youabusetheexpectationofyourdearmistress,andherfairsister:fie!whileyouliveavoidthisprolixity.

Mat.1shall,sir,well;inciperedulce.

E.Know.How,insiperedulce!asweetthingtobeafool,indeed!

Wei.What,doyoutakeincipereinthatsense?

E.Know.Youdonot,you!Thiswasyourvillainy,togullhimwithamotte.

Wei.0,thebenchers'phrase:paucaverba,paucaverba!

Mat.Rare,creature,letmespeakwithoutoffence,WouldGodmyrudewordshadtheinfluenceTorulethythoughts,asthyfairlooksdomine,Thenshouldstthoubehisprisoner,whoisthine.

E.Know.ThisisHeroandLeander.

Wei.O,ay:peace,weshallhavemoreofthis.

Mat.Benotunkindandfair:misshapenstuffIsofbehaviourboisterousandrough.

Wei.Howlikeyouthat,sir?[MasterStephenshakeshishead.

E.Know.'Slight,heshakeshisheadlikeabottle,tofeelantherebeanybraininit.

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Mat.Butobservethecatastrophe,now:AndIindutywillexceedallother,AsyouinbeautydoexcelLove'smother.

E.Know.Well,I'llhavehimfreeofthewit-brokers,forheuttersnothingbutstolenremnants.

Wei.0,forgiveithim.

E.Know.Afilchingrogue,hanghim!—andfromthedead!it'sworsethansacrilege.

WELLBRED,E.KNOWELL,andMasterSTEPHEN,comeforward.

Wei.Sister,whathaveyouhere,verses?prayyoulet'ssee:whomadetheseverses?theyareexcellentgood.

Mat.O,MasterWellbred,'tisyourdispositiontosayso,sir.Theyweregoodinthemorning:Imadethemextemporethismorning.

Wei.How!extempore?

Mat.Ay,wouldImightbehangedelse;askCaptainBobadill:hesawmewritethem,atthe—poxonit!—theStar,yonder.

Brai.Canhefindinhishearttocursethestarsso?

E.Know.Faith,hisareevenwithhim;theyhavecursthimenoughalready.

Step.Cousin,howdoyoulikethisgentleman'sverses?

E.Know.O,admirable!thebestthateverIheard,coz.

Step.Bodyo'Caesar,theyareadmirable!thebestthatIeverheard,asIamasoldier!

EveryManinHisHumour601

Re-enterDowNBiGHT.

Dow.Ianrvext,Icanholdne'eraboneofmestill:'Heart,Ithinktheymeantobuildandbreedhere.

Wei.Sister,youhaveasimpleservanthere,thatcrownsyourbeautywithsuchencomiumsanddevices;youmayseewhatitistobethemistressofawit,thatcanmakeyourperfectionssotransparent,thateverybleareyemaylookthroughthem,andseehimdrownedoverheadandearsinthedeepwellofdesire:SisterKitely,Imarvelyougetyounotaservantthatcanrhyme,anddotrickstoo.

Dow.0monster!impudenceitself!tricks!

DameK.Tricks,brother!whattricks?

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Brid.Nay,speak,Iprayyouwhattricks?

DameK.Ay,neverspareanybodyhere;butsay,whattricks.

Brid.Passionofmyheart,dotricks!

Wei.'Slight,here'satrickviedandrevied!Why,youmonkeys,you,whataeater-waulingdoyoukeep!hashenotgivenyourhymesandversesandtricks?

Dow.O,thefiend!

Wei.Nay,youlampofvirginity,thattakeitinsnuffso,come,andcherishthistamepoeticalfuryinyourservant;you'llbebegg'delseshortlyforaconcealment:goto,rewardhismuse.Youcannotgivehimlessthanashillinginconscience,forthebookhehaditoutofcosthimatestonatleast.Hownow,gallants!MasterMathew!Captain!what,allsonsofsilence,nospirit?

Dow.Come,youmightpractiseyourruffiantrickssomewhereelse,andnothere,Iwuss;thisisnotavernordrinking-school,toventyourexploitsin.

Wei.Hownow;whosecowhascalved?

Dow.Marry,thathasmine,sir.Nay,boy,neverlookaskanceatmeforthematter;I'lltellyouofit,I,sir;youandyourcompanionsmendyourselveswhenIhavedone.

Wei.Mycompanions!

Dow.Yes,sir,yourcompanions,soIsay;Iamnotafraidofyou,northemneither;yourhang-byeshere.Youmusthaveyourpoetsandyourpotlings,yoursoldadosandfooladostofollowyouupanddownthecity;andheretheymustcometodomineerandswagger.Sirrah,youballad-singer,andslopsyourfellowthere,getyouout,getyouhome;orbythissteel,I'llcutoffyourears,andthatpresently.

\\'el.'Slight,stay,let'sseewhathedaredo;cutoffhisears!cutawhetstone.Youareanass,doyousee;touchanymanhere,andbythishandI'llrunmyrapiertothehiltsinyou.

Dow.Yea,thatwouldIfainsee,boy.[Tlieyalldraw.

DameK.0Jesu!murder!Thomas!Gasper!

Brid.Help,help!Thomas!

EnterCASHandsomeofthehousetopartthem.

E.Know.Gentlemen,forbear,Iprayyou.

Bob.Well,sirrah,youHolofernes;bymyhand,Iwillpinkyourfleshfullofholeswithmyrapierforthis;Iwill,bythisgoodheaven!nay,lethimcome,lethimcome,gentlemen;bythebodyofSt.George,I'llnotkillhim.[Offertofightagain,andareparted.

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Cash.Hold,hold,goodgentlemen.

Dow.Youwhoreson,braggingcoystril!

EnterKITELY.

Kit.Why,hownow!what'sthematter,what'sthestirhere?Whencespringsthequarrel?Thomas!whereishe?Putupyourweapons,andputoffthisrage:Mywifeandsister,theyarethecauseofthis.What,Thomas!whereistheknave?

Cash.Here,sir.

Wei.Come,let'sgo:thisisoneofmybrother'sancienthumours,

this.

Step.1amgladnobodywashurtbyhisancienthumour.[ExeuntWellbred,Stephen,E.Knowell,Bobadill,andBrainworm.

Kit.Why,hownow,brother,whoenforcedthisbrawl?

Dow.Asortoflewdrake-hells,thatcareneitherforGodnorthedevil.Andtheymustcomeheretoreadballads,androguery,andtrash!I'llmartheknotof'emereIsleep,perhaps;especiallyBobthere,hethat'sallmannerofshapes:andsongsandsonnets,hisfellow.

Brid.Brother,indeedyouaretooviolent,Toosuddeninyourhumour:andyouknowMybrotherWellbred'stemperwillnotbearAnyreproof,chieflyinsuchapresence,WhereeveryslightdisgraceheshouldreceiveMightwoundhiminopinionandrespect.

Dow.Respect!whattalkyouofrespectamongsuch,ashavenosparkofmanhood,norgoodmanners?'Sdeins,Iamashamedtohearyou!respect![Exit.

Brid.Yes,therewasoneacivilgentleman,Andveryworthilydemeanedhimself.

Kit.O,thatwassomeloveofyours,sister.

Brid.Aloveofmine!Iwoulditwerenoworse,brother;You'dpaymyportionsoonerthanyouthinkfor.

DameK.Indeedheseem'dtobeagentlemanofaveryexceedingfairdisposition,andofexcellentgoodparts.

[ExeuntDameKitelyandBridget.

Kit.Herlove,byheaven!mywife'sminion.Fairdisposition!excellentgoodparts/Death!thesephrasesareintolerable.Goodparts!howshouldsheknowhisparts?Hisparts!Well,well,well,well,well,well;

EveryManinHisHumour603

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Itistooplain,tooclear:Thomas,comehither.What,aretheygone?

Cash.Ay,sir,theywentin.

Mymistressandyoursister—

Kit.Areanyofthegallantswithin?

Cash.No,sir,theyareallgone.

Eit.Artthousureofit?

Cash.Icanassureyou,sir.

Kit.Whatgentlemanwasthattheypraisedso,Thomas?

Cash.One,theycallhimMasterKnowell,ahandsomeyounggentleman,sir.

Kit.Ay,Ithoughtso;mymindgavemeasmuch:I'lldie,buttheyhavehidhiminthehouse,Somewhere,I'llgoandsearch;gowithme,Thomas:Betruetome,andthoushaltfindmeamaster.[Exeunt.

SCENEII.—TheLanebeforeCOB'SHouse.EnterCOB.

Cob.[knocksatthedoor.']What,Tib!Tib,Isay!

Tib.{within.}Hownow,whatcuckoldisthatknockssohard?

EnterTIB.

O,husband!isityou?What'sthenews?

Cob.Nay,youhavestunn'dme,i'faith;youhavegivenmeaknocko'theforeheadwillstickbyme.Cuckold!'Slid,cuckold!

Tib.Away,youfool!didIknowitwasyouthatknocked?Come,come,youmaycallmeasbadwhenyoulist.

Cob.MayI?Tib,youareawhore.

Tib.Youlieinyourthroat,husband.

Cob.How,thelie!andinmythroattoo!doyoulongtobestabb'd,ha?

Tib.Why,youarenosoldier,Ihope.

Cob.O,mustyoubestabbedbyasoldier?Mass,that'strue!whenwasBobadillhere,yourcaptain?thatrogue,thatfoist,thatfencingBurgullion?I'llticklehim,i'faith.

Tib.Why,what'sthematter,trow?

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Cob.0,hehasbastedmerarely,sumptuously!butIhaveithereinblackandwhite,[pullsoutthewarrant.}forhisblackandblueshallpayhim.O,thejustice,thehonestestoldbraveTrojaninLondon;Idohonourtheveryfleaofhisdog.Aplagueonhim,though,heputmeonceinavillanousfilthyfear;marry,itvanishedawaylikethesmokeoftobacco;butIwassmokedsoundlyfirst.Ithankthedevil,andhisgoodangel,myguest.Well,wife,orTib,whichyouwill,getyouin,andlockthedoor;Ichargeyouletnobodyintoyou,wife;nobodyintoyou;thosearemywords:notCaptainBobhimself,northefiendinhislikeness.Youareawoman,youhavefleshandbloodenoughinyoutobetempted;thereforekeepthedoorshutuponallcomers.

Tib.Iwarrantyou,thereshallnobodyenterherewithoutmyconsent.

Cob.Norwithyourconsent,sweetTib;andsoIleaveyou.

Tib.It'smorethanyouknow,whetheryouleavemeso.

Cob.How?

Tib.Why,sweet.

Cob.Tut,sweetorsour,thouartaflower.Keepclosethydoor,Iasknomore.[Exeunt.

SCENEIII.—ARoomintheWindmillTavern.

EnterE.KJSTOWELL,WELLBRED,STEPHEN,andBRAINWORM,

disguisedasbefore.

E.Know.Well,Brainworm,performthisbusinesshappily,andthoumakestapurchaseofmyloveforever.

Wei.Tfaith,nowletthyspiritsusetheirbestfaculties:but,atanyhand,rememberthemessagetomybrother;forthere'snoothermeanstostarthim.

Brai.Iwarrantyou,sir;fearnothing;Ihaveanimblesoulhaswakedallforcesofmyphant'siebythistime,andputthemintruemotion.Whatyouhavepossestmewithal,I'lldischargeitamply,sir;makeitnoquestion.[Exit.

Wei.Forth,andprosper,Brainworm.Faith,Ned,howdostthouapproveofmyabilitiesinthisdevice?

E.Know.Troth,well,howsoever;butitwillcomeexcellentifittake.

Wei.Take,man!whyitcannotchoosebuttake,ifthecircumstancesmiscarrynot:but,tellmeingenuously,dostthouaffectmysisterBridgetasthoupretend'st?

E.Know.Friend,amIworthbelief?

Wei.Come,donotprotest.Infaith,sheisamaidofgoodornament,andmuchmodesty;and,

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exceptIconceivedveryworthilyofher,thoushould'stnothaveher.

E.Knoiv.Nay,thatIamafraid,willbeaquestionyet,whetherIshallhaveher,orno.

Wei.'Slid,thoushalthaveher;bythislightthoushalt.

E.Know.Nay,donotswear.

Wei.Bythishandthoushalthaveher;I'llgofetchherpresently.'Pointbutwheretomeet,andasIamanhonestmanI'llbringher.

E.Know.Hold,hold,betemperate.

Wei.Why,bywhatshallIswearby?thoushalthaveher,as

Iam—

E.Know.Praythee,beatpeace,Iamsatisfied;anddobelievethouwiltomitnoofferedoccasiontomakemydesirescomplete.

Wel.Thoushaltsee,andknow,Iwillnot.[Exeunt.

EveryManinHisHumour605

SCENEIV.—TheOldJewry.EnterFORMALandKNOWELL.

Form.Wasyourmanasoldier,sir?

Knoiv.Ay,aknave

Itookhimbeggingo'theway,thismorning,AsIcameoverMoorfields.

EnterBRAIXWORM,disguisedasbefore.

O,hereheis!—you'vemadefairspeed,believeme,Where,inthenameofsloth,couldyoubethus?

Brai.Marry,peacebemycomfort,whereIthoughtIshouldhavehadlittlecomfortofyourworship'sservice.

Know.Howso?

Brai.O,sir,yourcomingtothecity,yourentertainmentofme.andyoursendingmetowatch—indeedallthecircumstanceseitherofyourcharge,ormyemployment,areasopentoyourson,astoyourself.

Know.Howshouldthatbe,unlessthatvillain,Bramworra,Havetoldhimoftheletter,anddiscover'dAllthatIstrictlycharg'dhimtoconceal?'Tisso.

Brai.Iampartlyo'thefaith,'tisso,indeed.

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Know.But,howshouldheknowtheetobemyman?

Brai.Xay,sir,Icannottell;unlessitbebytheblackart.Isnotyoursonascholar,sir?

Know.Yes,butIhopehissoulisnotalliedUntosuchhellishpractice:ifitwere,Ihadjustcausetoweepmypartinhim,Andcursethetimeofhiscreation.But,wheredidstthoufindthem,Fitz-Sword?

Brai.Youshouldratheraskwheretheyfoundme,sir;forI'llbesworn,Iwasgoingalonginthestreet,thinkingnothing,when,ofasudden,avoicecalls,Mr.KnowelVsman!anothercriesSoldier!andthushalfadozenofthem,tilltheyhadcall'dmewithinahouse,whereInosoonercame,buttheyseem'dmen,andoutflewalltheirrapiersatmybosom,withsomethreeorfourscoreoathstoaccompanythem;andalltotellme,Iwasbutadeadman,ifIdidnotconfesswhereyouwere,andhowIwasemployed,amiaboutwhat;whirhwhentheycouldnotgetoutofme,(as,Iprote-t,theymusthavedissected,andmadeananatomyofmefirst,andsoItoldthem,)theylock'dmeupintoaroominthetopofahighhouse,whencebygreatmiracle(havingalightheart)IsliddownI'Vabottomofpackthreadintothestreet,andso'scaped.But,sir,thusmuchIcanassureyou,forIhearditwhileIWPSloek'dup,therewereagreatmanyrichmerchantsandbravecitizens'wiveswiihthematafeast;andyourson,master'K<1\vard,withdrewwithoneofthem,andhas'pointedtomeetheranonatoneCob'shouse

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i?ii

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EveryManinHisHumour607

Bob.Tut!'tisnothing,an'tbenotdoneina—punto.

E.Know.Captain,didyoueverproveyourselfuponanyofourmastersofdefencehere?

Mat.0goodsir!yes,Ihopehehas.

Bob.Iwilltellyou,sir.Uponmyfirstcomingtothecity,aftermylongtravelforknowledge,inthatmysteryonly,therecamethreeorfourofthemtome,atagentleman'shouse,whereitwasmychancetoberesidentatthattime,tointreatmypresenceattheirschools:andwithalsomuchimportunedme,thatIprotesttoyou,asIamagentleman,Iwasashamedoftheirrudedemeanouroutofallmeasure:Well,Itoldthemthattocometoapublicschool,theyshouldpardonme,itwasopposite,indiameter,tomyhumour;butifsobetheywouldgivetheirattendanceatmylodging,IprotestedtodothemwhatrightorfavourIcould,asIwasagentleman,andsoforth.

E.Know.So,sir!thenyoutriedtheirskill?

Bob.Alas,soontried:youshallhear,sir.Withintwoorthreedaysafter,theycame;and,byhonesty,fairsir,believeme,Igracedthemexceedingly,shewedthemsometwoorthreetricksofpreventionhavepurchasedthemsinceacredittoadmiration:theycannotdenythis;andyetnowtheyhateme,andwhy?becauseIamexcellent;andfornoothervilereasonontheearth.

E.Know.Thisisstrangeandbarbarous,aseverIheard.

Bob.Xay,foramoreinstanceoftheirpreposterousnatures;butnote,sir.Theyhaveassaultedmesomethree,four,five,sixofthemtogether,asIhavewalkedaloneindiversskirtsi'thetown,asTurnbull,Whitechapel,Shoreditch,whichwerethenmyquarters;andsince,upontheExchange,atmylodging,andatmyordinary:whereIhavedriventhemaforemethewholelengthofastreet,intheopenviewofallourgallants,pityingtohurtthem,believeme.Yetallthislenitywillnotovercometheirspleen;theywillbedoing:\viththepismire,raisingahillamanmayspurnabroadwithhisfootatpleasure.Bymyself,Icouldhaveslainthemall,butIdelightnotinmurder.Iamlothtobearanyotherthanthisbastinadoforthem:yetIholditgoodpolitynottogodisarmed,forthoughIbeskilful,Imaybeoppressedwithmultitude.^.

E.Know.Ay,believeme,mayyou,sir:andinmyconceit,ourwholenationshouldsustainthelossbyit,ifitwereso.

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Bob.Alas,no?what'sapeculiarmantoanation?notseen.

E.Know.0,butyourskill,sir.

Bob.Indeed,thatmightbesomeloss;butwhorespectsit?Iwilltellyou,sir,bythewayofprivate,andunderseal;Iamagentleman,andlivehereobscure,andtomyself;butwereIknowntohermajestyandthelords,—observeme.—Iwouldundertake,uponthispoorheadandlife,forthepublicbenefitofthestate,onlytosparetheentirelivesofhersubjectsingeneral;buttosavethe*onehalf,nay.threepartsofheryearlychargeinholdingwar,i,v_'ainstwhatenemysoever.AndhowwouldIdoit,thinkyou?/'..Know.Xay,1knownot,norcanIconceive.

Bob.Whythus,sir.Iwouldselectnineteenmore,tomyself,throughouttheland;gentlementheyshouldbeofgoodspirit,strongandableconstitution;Iwouldchoosethembyaninstinct,acharacterthatIhave:andIwouldteachthesenineteenthespecialrules,asyourpunto,yourreverso,yourstoccata,yourimbroccato,yourpassada,yourmontanto;tilltheycouldallplayverynear,oraltogetheraswellasmyself.Thisdone,saytheenemywerefortythousandstrong,wetwentywouldcomeintothefieldthetenthofMarch,orthereabouts;andwewouldchallengetwentyoftheenemy;theycouldnotintheirhonourrefuseus:Well,wewouldkillthem;challengetwentymore,killthem;twentymore,killthem;twentymore,killthemtoo;andthuswouldwekilleverymanhistwentyaday,that'stwentyscore;twentyscorethat'stwohundred;twohundredaday,fivedaysathousand:fortythousand;fortytimesfive,fivetimesforty,twohundreddayskillsthemallupbycomputation.AndthiswillIventuremypoorgentlemanlikecarcasetoperform,providedtherebenotreasonpractiseduponus,byfairanddiscreetmanhood;thatis,civillybythesword.

E.Know.Why,areyousosureofyourhand,captain,atalltimes?

.606.Tut!nevermissthrust,uponmyreputationwithyou.

E.Know.IwouldnotstandinDownright'sstatethen,anyoumeethim,forthewealthofanyonestreetinLondon.

Bob.Why,sir,youmistakeme:ifhewereherenow,bythiswelkin,Iwouldnotdrawmyweapononhim.Letthisgentlemandohismind:butIwillbastinadohim,bythebrightsun,whereverImeethim.

Mat.Faith,andI'llhaveaflingathim,atmydistance.

E.Know.'Od's,so,lookwhereheis!yonderhegoes.

[Downrightcrossesthestage.

Dow.WhatpeevishluckhaveI,Icannotmeetwiththesebraggingrascals?

Bob.Itisnothe,isit?

E.Know.Yes,faith,itishe.

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Mat.I'llbehang'dthenifthatwerehe.

E.Know.Sir,keepyourhanginggoodforsomegreatermatter,forIassureyouthatwerehe.

Step.Uponmyreputation,itwashe.

Bob.HadIthoughtithadbeenhe,hemustnothavegoneso:butIcanhardlybeinducedtobelieveitwasheyet.

E.Know.ThatIthink,sir.

Re-enterDOWNRIGHT.

Butsee,heiscomeagain.

Dow.0,Pharaoh'sfoot,haveIfoundyou?Come,drawtoyourtools;draw,gipsy,orI'llthrashyou.

Bob.Gentlemanofvalour,Idobelieveinthee;hearme—

Doni.Diawyourweaponthen.

Bob.Tallman,IneverthoughtonittillnowBodyofme,I

EveryManinHisHumour609

hadawarrantofthepeaceeervedonme,evennowasIcamealong,byawater-bearer;thisgentlemansawit,MasterMuthew.

Dow.'Sdeath!youwillnotdrawthen?

[Disarmsandbentshim.Mathewrunsaway.

Bob.Hold,hold!underthyfavourforbear!

Doiv.Prateagain,asyoulikethis,youwhoresonfoistyou!You'llcontrolthepoint,you!Yourconsortisgone;hadhestaidhehadsharedwithyou,sir.[Exit.

Bob.Well,gentlemen,bearwitness,Iwasboundtothepeace,bythisgoodday.

*E.Know.No,faith,it'sanillday,captain,neverreckonitother-but,sayyouwereboundtothepeace,thelawallowsyoutodefendyourself:thatwillprovebutapoorexcuse.

Bob.Icannottell,sir;Idesiregoodconstructioninfairsort.Ineversustain'dthelikedisgrace,byheaven!sureIwasstruckwithaplanetthence,forIhadnopowertotouchmyweapon.

E.Know.Ay,likeenough;Ihaveheardofmanythathavebeenbeatenunderaplanet:go,getyoutoasurgeon.'Slid!anthesebe\-'>nrtricks,yourpassadoes,andyourmontantos,I'll

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noneofthem.iL\ritBobadilL]O,manners!thatthisageshouldbringforthsuchcreatures!thatnatureshouldbeatleisuretomakethem!Come,coz.

Step.Mass,I'llhavethiscloak.

E.Know.'Od'swill,'tisDownright's.

Step.Nay,it'sminenow,anothermighthaveta'enitupaswellasI:I'llwearit,soIwill.

E.Know.Howanheseeit?he'llchallengeit,assureyourself.

Step.Ay,butheshallnothaveit:I'llsayIboughtit.

E.Know.Takeheedyoubuyitnottoodear,coz.[Exeunt.

SCENEIV.—ARoominKITELY'SHouse.EnterKITELY,WELLBRED,DameKITELY,andBRIDGET.

Kit.Now,trustme,brother,youweremuchtoblame,Tincensehisanger,anddisturbthepeaceOfmypoorhouse,wheretherearesentinelsThateveryminutewatchtogivealarmsOfcivilwar,withoutadjectionOfyourassistanceoroccasion.

\\'<l.Xoharmdone,brother,Iwarrantyou:sincethereisnoharmdone,angercostsamannothing;andatallmanisneverhisownmantillhebeangry.Tokeephisvalourinobscurity,istokeephimselfasitwereinacloak-bag.What'samusician,unitesheplay?What'satallmanunlesshefight?For,indeed,allthisrnvM-i.sebrotherstandsuponabsolutely;andthatmademefallinwithhimsoresolutely.

h'liniiK.Ay,butwhatharmmighthavecomeofit,brother?

\\'d.Might,sister?soinigLtthegoodwarmclothedyourhusband

wearsbepoisoned,foranythingheknows:orthewholesomewinehedrank,evennowatthetable.

Kit.Now,Godforbid!0me!nowIrememberMywifedranktomelast,andchangedthecup,Andbademewearthiscursedsuitto-day.See,ifHeavensuffermurderundiscover'd!Ifeelmeill;givemesomemithridate,Somemithridateandoil,goodsister,fetchme:O,Iamsickatheart,Iburn,Iburn.Ifyouwillsavemylife,gofetchitme.

Wei.Ostrangehumour!myverybreathhaspoison'dhim.

Eiid.Goodbrother,becontent,whatdoyoumean?Thestrengthoftheseextremeconceitswillkillyou.

DameK.Beshrewyourheart-blood,brotherWellbred,now,Forputtingsuchatoyintohishead!

Wei.Isafitsimileatoy?willhebepoison'dwithasimile?BrotherKitely,whatastrangeand

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idleimaginationisthis!Forshame,bewiser.O'mysoulthere'snosuchmatter.

Kit.AmInotsick?howamIthennotpoison'd?AmInotpoison'd?howamIthensosick?

DameK.Ifyoubesick,yourownthoughtsmakeyousick.

Wd.Hisjealousyisthepoisonhehastaken.

EnterBRAINWORM,disguisedinFORMAL'Sclothes.

BraLMasterKitely,mymaster,justiceClement,salutesyou;anddesirestospeakwithyouwithallpossiblespeed.

Kit.Notimebutnow,whenIthinkIamsick,verysick!well,Iwillwaituponhisworship.Thomas!Cob!Imustseekthemout,andsetthemsentinelstillIreturn.Thomas!Cob!Thomas!

[Exit.

Wei.Thisisperfectlyrare,Brainworm;[takeshimaside.]buthowgot'stthouthisapparelofthejustice'sman?

Brai.Marry,sir,myproperfinepen-manwouldneedsbestowthegristonme,attheWindmill,tohearsomemartialdiscourse;whereIsomarshall'dhim,thatImadehimdrunkwithadmiration:and,becausetoomuchheatwasthecauseofhisdistemper,Istripthimstarknakedashelayalongasleep,andborrowedhissuittodeliverthiscounterfeitmessagein,leavingarustyarmour,andanoldbrownbilltowatchhimtillmyreturn;whichshallbe,whenIhavepawn'dhisapparel,andspentthebetterparto'themoney,perhaps.

Wei.Well,thouartasuccessfulmerryknave,Brainworm:hisabsencewillbeagoodsubjectformoremirth.Ipraytheereturntothyyoungmaster,andwillhimtomeetmeandmysisterBridgetattheTowerinstantly;for,here,tellhimthehouseissostoredwithjealousy,thereisnoroomforlovetostanduprightin.Wemustgetourfortunescommittedtosomelargerprison,say;andthantheTower,Iknownobetterair,norwherethelibertyofthehousemaydousmorepresentservice.Away.[ExitBrai.

Re-enterKITELY,talkingasidetoCASH.

Kit.Comehither,Thomas.Nowmysecret'sripe,Andthoushalthaveit:laytoboththineears.HarkwhatIsaytothee.Imustgoforth,Thomas;Becarefulofthypromise,keepgoodwatch,Noteeverygallant,andobservehimwell,Thatentersinmyabsencetothymistress:Ifshewouldshewhimrooms,thejestisstale,Followthem,Thomas,orelsehangonhim,Andlethimnotgoafter;marktheirlooks;Noteifsheofferbuttoseehisband,Oranyotheramoroustoyabouthim;Butpraisehisleg,orfoot:orifshesayThedayishot,andbidhimfeelherhand,Howhotitis;O,that'samonstrousthing!Notemeallthis,goodThomas,marktheirsighs,Andiftheydobutwhisper,break'emoff:I'llbeartheeoutinit.Wiltthoudothis?Wiltthoubetrue,myThomas?

Cash.Astruth'sself,sir.

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Kit.Why,Ibelievethee:WhereisCob,now?Cob![Exit.

DameK.He'severcallingforCob:IwonderhowheemploysCobso.

Wei.Indeed,sister,toaskhowheemploysCob,isanecessaryquestionforyouthatarehiswife,andathingnotveryeasyforyoutobesatisfiedin;butthisI'llassureyou,Cob'swifeisanexcellentbawd,sister,andoftentimesyourhusbandhauntsherhouse;marry,towhatend?Icannotaltogetheraccusehim;imagineyouwhatyouthinkconvenient:butIhaveknownfairhideshavefoulheartserenow,sister.

DameK.Neversaidyoutruerthanthat,brother,somuchIcantellyouforyourlearning.Thomas,fetchyourcloakandgowithme.[ExitCash.]I'llafterhimpresently:IwouldtofortuneIcouldtakehimthere,i'faith,I'dreturnhimhisown,Iwarranthim![Exit.

Wei.So,let'emgo;thismaymakesportanon.Now,myfairsister-in-law,thatyouknewbuthowhappyathingitweretobefairandbeautiful.

Brid.Thattouchesnotme,brother.

Wei.That'strue;that'seventhefaultofit;forindeed,beautystandsawomaninnostead,unlessitprocurehertouching.—But,sister,whetherittouchyouorno,ittouchesyourbeauties;andIamsuretheywillabidethetouch;antheydonot,aplagueofall

ceruse,sayI!andittouchesmetooinpart,thoughnotinthe

Well,there'sadearandrespectedfriendofmine,sister,standsverystronglyandworthilyaffectedtowardyou,andhathvowedtoinflamewholebonfiresofzealathisheart,inhonourofyourperfections.Ihavealreadyengagedmypromisetobringyouwhere

youshallhearhimconfirmmuchmore.NedKnowellistheman,sister:there'snoexceptionagainsttheparty.Youareripeforahusband;andaminute'slosstosuchanoccasion,isagreattrespassinawisebeauty.Whatsayyou,sister?Onmysoulhelovesyou;willyougivehimthemeeting?

Brid.Faith,Ihadverylittleconfidenceinm?neownconstancy,brother,ifIdurstnotmeetaman:butthismotionofyourssavoursofanoldknightadventurer'sservantalittletoomuch,methinks.

Wei.What'sthat,sister?

Brid.Marry,ofthesquire.

Wel.Nomatterifitdid,Iwouldbesuchanoneformyfriend.Butsee,whoisreturn'dtohinderus!

Re-enterKITELY.

Kit.WThatvillainyisthis?call'doutonafalsemessage!Thiswassomeplot;Iwasnotsent

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for.—Bridget,Whereisyoursister?

Brid.Ithinkshebegoneforth,sir.

Kit.How!ismywifegoneforth?whither,forGod'ssake?

Brid.She'sgoneabroadwithThomas.

Kit.AbroadwithThomas!oh,thatvillaindorsme:BeastthatIwas,totrusthim!whither,Iprayyou,Wentshe?

Brid.Iknownot,sir.

Wei.I'lltellyou,brother,

Whither1suspectshe'sgone.

Kit.Whither,goodbrother?

Wei.ToCob'shouse,Ibelieve:but,keepmycounsel.

Kit.Iwill,Iwill:toCob'shouse!dothshehauntCob's?She'sgoneapurposenowtocuckoldme,Withthatlewdrascal,who,towinherfavour,Hathtoldherall.[Exit.

Wei.Come,heisoncemoregone,

Sister,let'slosenotime;theaffairisworthit.[Exeunt.

SCENEVII.—AStreet.EnterMATHEWandBOBADILL.

Mat.Iwonder,captain,whattheywillsayofmygoingaway,ha?

Bob.Why,whatshouldtheysay,butasofadiscreetgentleman;quick,wary,respectfulofnature'sfairlineaments?andthat'sall.

Mat.Whyso!butwhatcantheysayofyourbeating?

Bob.Arudepart,atouchwithsoftwood,akindofgrossbatteryused,laidonstrongly,bornemostpatiently;andthat'sall.

Mat.Ay,butwouldanymanhaveoffereditinVenice,asyousay?

Bob.Tut!Iassureyou,no:youshallhavethereyournobilis,yourgentilezza,comeinbravelyuponyourreverse,standyouclose,standyoufirm,standyoufair,saveyourretricatowithhisleftleg,cometotheassaltowiththeright,thrustwithbravesteel,defy

yourbasewood!ButwhereforedoIawakethisremembrance?Iwasfascinated,byJupiter;fascinated,butIwillbeunwitch'dandrevengedbylaw.

Mat.Doyouhear?isitnotbesttogetawarrant,andhavehimarrestedandbroughtbefore

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justiceClement'.'

Bob.Itwerenotamis.s;wouldwehadit!

EnterBRAINWORMdisguisedasFORMAL.

Mat.Why,herecomeshisman;let'sspeaktohim.

Bob.Agreed,doyouspeak.

Mat.Saveyou,sir.

Brai.Withallmyheart,sir.

Mat.Sir,thereisoneDownrighthathabusedthisgentlemanandmyself,andwedeterminetomakeouramendsbylaw:now,ifyouwoulddousthefavourtoprocureawarranttobringhimaforeyourmaster,youshallbewellconsidered,Iassureyou,sir.

Brai.Sir,youknowmyserviceismyliving;suchfavoursasthesegottenofmymasterishisonlypreferment,andthereforeyoumustconsidermeasImaymakebenefitofmyplace.

Mat.Howisthat,sir?

Brai.Faith,sir,thethingisextraordinary,andthegentlemanmaybeofgreataccount;yet,behewhathewill,ifyouwilllaymedownabraceofangelsinmyhandyoushallhaveit,otherwisenot.

Mat.Howshallwedo,captain?heasksabraceofangels,youhavenomoney?

Bob.Notacross,byfortune.

Mat.NorI,asIamagentleman,buttwopenceleftofmytwoshillingsinthemorningforwineandradish:let'sfindhimsomepawn.

Bob.Pawn!wehavenonetothevalueofhisdemand.

Mat.0,yes;I'llpawnthisjewelinmyear,andyoumaypawnyoursilkstockings,andpullupyourboots,theywillne'erbemist:itmustbedonenow.

Bob.Well,antherebenoremedy,I'llstepasideandpullthemoff.

[Withdraws.

Mat.Doyouhear,sir?wehavenostoreofmoneyatthistime,butyoushallhavegoodpawns;lookyou,sir,thisjewel,andthatgentleman'ssilkstockings;becausewewouldhaveitdispatch'derewewenttoourchambers.

Brai.Iamcontent,sir;Iwillgetyouthewarrantpresently.What'shisname,sayyou?Downright?

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Mat.Ay,ay,GeorgeDownright.

Brai.Whatmannerofmanishe?

Mat.Atallbigm;m,sir;hegoesinacloakmostcommonlyofsilk-russet,laidaboutwithrussetlace.

Brai."Tisverygood,sir.

Mat.Here,sir,here'smyjewel.

Bob.[returning.']Andherearemystockings.

Brai.Well,gentlemen,I'llprocureyouthiswarrantpresently;butwhowillyouhavetoserveit?

Mat.That'strue,captain:thatmustbeconsidered.

Bob.Bodyo'me,Iknownot;'tisserviceofdanger.

Brai.Why,youwerebestgetoneo'thevarletsofthecity,aserjeant:I'llappointyouone,ifyouplease.

Mat.Willyou,sir?why,wecanwishnobetter.

Bob.We'llleaveittoyou,sir.[ExeuntBob.andMat.

Brai.Thisisrare!NowwillIgoandpawnthiscloakofthejustice'sman'satthebroker's,foravarlet'ssuit,andbethevarletmyself;andgeteithermorepawns,ormoremoneyofDownright,forthearrest.[Exit.

SCENEVIII.—TheLanebeforeCOB'SHouse.EnterKNOWELL.

Know.Oh,hereitis;IamgladIhavefounditnow;Ho!whoiswithinhere?

Tib.[within.']Iamwithin,sir;what'syourpleasure?

Know.Toknowwhoiswithinbesideyourself.

Tib.Why,sir,youarenoconstable,Ihope?

Know.0,fearyoutheconstable?thenIdoubtnot,Youhavesomeguestswithindeservethatfear;I'llfetchhimstraight.

EnterTIB.

Tib.0'God'sname,sir!

Know.Goto:cometellme,isnotyoungKnowellhere?Tib.YoungKnowell!Iknownonesuch,sir,o'minehonesty.Know.Yourhonesty,dame!itfliestoolightlyfromyou.Thereis

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nowaybutfetchtheconstable.

Tib.Theconstable!themanismad,Ithink.

[Exit,andclapstothedoort

EnterDameKITELYandCASH.

Cash.Ho!whokeepshousehere?Know.O,thisisthefemalecopesmateofmyson:NowshallImeethimstraight.

DameK.Knock,Thomas,hard.

Cash.Ho,goodwife!

Re-enterTIB.

Tib.Why,what'sthematterwithyou?

DameK.Why,woman,grievesityoutoopeyourdoor?Belikeyougetsomethingtokeepitshut.Tib.Whatmeanthesequestions,prayye?DameK.Sostrangeyoumakeit!isnotmyhusbandhere?

Know.Herhusband1

DameK.Mytriedhusband,masterKitely?

Tib.Ihopeheneedsnottobetriedhere.

DameK.No,darne,hedoesitnotforneed,butpleasure.

Tib.Neitherforneednorpleasureishehere.

Know.Thisisbutadevicetobalkmewithal:

EnterKITELY,muffledinhiscloak.

Soft,whoisthis?'tisnotmysondisguised?

DameK.{spiesherhusband,andrunstohim.]0,sir,haveIforestall'dyourhonestmarket,

Foundyourclosewalks?Youstandamazednow,doyou?I'faith,IamgladIhavesmok'dyouyetatlast.Whatisyourjewel,trow?In,come,let'sseeher;Fetchforthyourhousewife,dame;ifshebefairer,Inanyhonestjudgment,thanmyself,I'llbecontentwithit:butsheischange,Shefeedsyoufat,shesoothesyourappetite,Andyouarewell!Yourwife,anhonestwoman,Ismeattwicesodtoyou,sir!O,youtreachour!

Know.Shecannotcounterfeitthuspalpably.

Kit.Outonthymorethanstrumpetimpudence!Steal'stthouthustothyhaunts?andhaveI

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takenThybawdandthee,andthycompanion,Thishoary-headedletcher,thisoldgoat,Closeatyourvillainy,andwould'stthou'senseitWiththisstaleharlot'sjest,accusingme?O,oldincontinent,[toKnowelL]dostthounotshame,Whenallthypowersinchastityarespent,Tohaveamindsohot?andtoentice,Andfeedtheenticementsofalustfulwoman?

l>ameK.Out,Idefythee,I,dissemblingwretch!

Kit.Defyme,strumpet!Askthypanderhere,Canhedenyit;orthatwickedelder?

Know.Why,hearyou,sir.

Kit.Tut,tut,tut;neverspeak:

Thyguiltyconsciencewilldiscoverthee.

Know.Whatlunacyisthis,thathauntsthisman?

Kit.Well,goodwifebawd,Cob'swife,andyou,Thatmakeyourhusbandsuchanoddy-cloddy;Andyou,youngapple-squire,andoldcuckold-maker;I'llhaveyoueveryonebeforeajustice:Nay,youshallanswerit,Ichargeyougo.

Know.Marry,withallmyheart,sir,Igowillingly;ThoughIdotastethisasatrickputonme,Topunishmyimpertinentsearch,andjustly,Andhalfforgivemysonforthedevice.

Kit.Come,willyougo?

DameK.Go!tothvshamebelieveit.

EnterCOB.

Cob.Why,what'sthematterhere,what'sheretodo?

Kit.0,Cob,artthoucome?Ihavebeenabused,Andinthyhouse;wasnevermansowrong'd!

Cob.'Slid,inmyhouse,mymasterKitely!whowrongsyouinmyhouse?

Kit.Marry,younglustinold,andoldinyounghere:Thywife'stheirbawd,herehaveItakenthem.

Cob.How,bawd!ismyhousecometothat?AmIpreferr'dthither?DidInotchargeyoutokeepyourdoorsshut,Isbel?and—youletthemlieopenforallcomers![Beatshiswife.

Know.Friend,knowsomecause,beforethoubeat'stthywife.Thisismadnessinthee.

Cob.Why,istherenocause?

Kit.Yes,I'llshewcausebeforethejustice,Cob:Come,lethergowithme.

Cob.Nay,sheshallgo.

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Tib.Nay,Iwillgo.I'llseeanyoumaybeallowedtomakeabundleofhempofyourrightandlawfulwifethus,ateverycuckoldyknave'spleasure.Whydoyounotgo?

Kit.Abitterquean!Come,wewillhaveyoutamed.[Exeunt.

SCENEIX.—AStreet.EnterBRAINWORM,disguisedasaCitySerjeant.

Brai.Well,ofallmydisguisesyet,nowamImostlikemyself,beinginthisSerjeant'sgown.Amanofmypresentprofessionnevercounterfeits,tillhelaysholduponadebtor,andsays,herestshim;forthenhebringshimtoallmannerofunrest.Akindoflittlekingsweare,bearingthediminutiveofamace,madelikeayoungartichoke,thatalwayscarriespepperandsaltinitself.Well,IknownotwhatdangerIundergobythisexploit;prayHeavenIcornewelloff!

EnterMATHEWandBOBADILL.

Mat.See,Ithink,yonderisthevarlet,byhisgown.

Bob.Let'sgoinquestofhim.

Mat.'Saveyou,friend!arenotyouherebyappointmentofjusticeClement'sman?

Brai.Yes,an'tpleaseyou,sir;hetoldme,twogentlemenhadwill'dhimtoprocureawarrantfromhismaster,whichIhaveaboutme,tobeservedononeDownright.

Mat.Itishonestlydoneofyouboth;andseewherethepartycomesyoumustarrest;serveituponhimquickly,aforehebeaware.

Bob.Bearback,masterMathew.

EnterSTEPHENinDOWNRIGHT'Scloak.

Brai.MasterDownright,Iarrestyouinthequeen'sname,andmustcarryyouaforeajusticebyvirtueofthiswarrant.

Step.Me,friend!IamnoDownright,I;IammasterStephen:Youdonotwelltoarrestme,Itellyou,truly;Iaminnobody'.^bondsnorbooks,Iwouldyoushouldknowit.Aplagueonyouheartily,formakingmethusafraidaforemytime!

Brai.Why,nowyouaredeceived,gentlemen.

Bob.Hewearssuchacloak,andthatdeceivedus:butsee,herea'comesindeed;thisishe,officer.

EnterDOWNRIGHT.

DOH\Whyhownow,signiorgull!areyouturn'dfilcheroflate!Come,delivermycloak.

Step.Yourcloak,sir!Iboughtitevennow,inopenmarket.

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Brai.MasterDownright,IhaveawarrantImustserveuponyou,procuredbythesetwogentlemen.

Dow.Thesegentlemen!theserascals![Offerstobeatthem.

Brai.Keepthepeace.Ichargeyouinhermajesty'sname.

Dow.Iobeythee.WhatmustIdo,officer?

Brai.GobeforemasterjusticeClement,toanswerthattheycanobjectagainstyou,sir:Iwilluseyoukindly,sir.

Mat.Come,let'sbefore,andmakethejustice,captain.

Bob.Thevarlet'satallman,aforeheaven![ExeuntBob.andMat.

!>'>w.Gull,you'llgivememycloak.

Step.Sir,Iboughtit,andI'llkeepit.

Dow.Youwill?

Step.Ay,thatIwill.

Dow.Officer,there'sthyfee,arresthim.

Brai.MasterStephen,Imustarrestyou.

Step.Arrestme!Iscornit.There,takeyourcloak,I'llnoneon't.

Dow.Nay,thatshallnotserveyourturnnow,sir.Officer,I'llgowiththeetothejustice's;bringhimalong.

Step.Why,isnothereyourcloak?whatwouldyouhave?

Dow.I'llhaveyouanswerit,sir.

Brai.Sir,I'lltakeyourword,andthisgentleman'stoo,forhisappearance.

Dow.I'llhavenowordstaken:bringhimalong.

I'>ini.Sir,Imaychoosetodothat,Imaytakebail.

Dow.'Tistrue,youmaytakebail,andchooseatanothertime;butyoushallnotnow,varlet:bringhimalong,orI'lls\vin<_ri'y«u.

Brai.Sir,Ipitythe;_r<Mitl-man'scase:here'syourmoneya.irain.

Dow.'S'leins,tellnotmeofmymoney;bringhima\vay,1say.

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Brai.Iwarrantyouhewillgowithyouofhimself,sir.

Dow.Yetmoreado?

Brai.Ihavemadeafairmashon't.[Aside.

Step.Mu,tI

Brai.Iknownoremedy,masterStephen.

Dow.Comealongaforemehere;Idonotloveyourhanginglookbehind.

Step.Why,sir,Ihopeyoucannothangmeforit:canhe,fellow?

Brai.Ithinknot,sir;itisbutawhippingmatter,sure.

Step.Whythenlethimdohisworst,Iamresolute.[Exeunt.

ACTV

SCENEI.—ColemanStreet.AHallinJusticeCLEMENT'S

House.

EnterCLEMENT,KNOWELL,KITELY,DameK.,TIB,CASH,

COB,andServants.

Clem.Nay,butstay,stay,givemeleave:mychair,sirrah.You,masterKnowell,sayyouwentthithertomeetyourson?

Know.Ay,sir.

Clem.Butwhodirectedyouthither?

Know.Thatdidmineownman,sir.

Clem.Whereishe?

Know.Nay,Iknownotnow;Ilefthimwithyourclerk,andappointedhimtostayhereforme.

Clem.Myclerk!aboutwhattimewasthis?

Know.Marry,betweenoneandtwo,asItakeit.

Clem.Andwhattimecamemymanwiththefalsemessagetoyou,masterKitely?

Kit.Aftertwo,sir.

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Clem.Verygood:but,mistressKitely,howchancethatyouwereatCob's,ha?

DameK.An'tpleaseyou,sir,I'lltellyou:mybrotherWellbredtoldme,thatCob'shousewasasuspectedplace—

Clem.Soitappears,methinks:buton.

DameK.Andthatmyhusbandusedthitherdaily.

Clem.Nomatter,soheusedhimselfwell,mistress.

DameK.True,sir:butyouknowwhatgrowsbysuchhauntsoftentimes.

Clem.Iseerankfruitsofajealousbrain,mistressKitely:but

idyoufindyourhusbandthere,inthatcaseasyoususpected?

Kit.Ifoundherthere,sir.

Clem.Didyou,so!thataltersthecase.Whogaveyouknowledgeofyourwife'sbeingthere?

Kit.Marry,thatdidmybrotherWellbred.

Clem.How,Wellbredfirsttellher;thentellyouafter!Where

Wellbred?

Kit.Gonewithmysister,sir,Iknownotwhither.

Clem.Whythisisameretrick,adevice;youaregull'dinthismostgrosslyall.Alas,poorwench!wertthoubeatenforthis?

Tib.Yes,mostpitifully,an'tpleaseyou.

EveryManinHisHumour619

Cob.Andworthily,Ihope,ifitshallproveso.Clem.Ay,that'slike,andapieceofasentence.—

EnteraServant.

Hownow,sir!what'sthematter?

Serv.Sir,there'sagentlemaninthecourtwithout,desirestospeakwithyourworship.

Clem.Agentleman!whatishe?

Serv.Asoldier,sir,hesays.

Clem.Asoldier!takedownmyarmour,myswordquickly.Asoldierspeakwithme!Why,

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when,knaves?Comeon,comeon;[armshimself.}holdmycapthere,so;givememygorget,mysword:standby,Iwillendyourmattersanon.—Letthesoldierenter.[ExitServant.

K/tterBOBADILL,followedbyMATHEW.

Now,sir,whathaveyoutosaytome?

Bob.Byyourworship'sfavour—

Clem.Nay,keepout,sir;Iknownotyourpretence.Yousendmeword,sir,youareasoldier:why,sir,youshallbeanswer'dhere:herebethemthathavebeenamongstsoldiers.Sir,yourpleasure.

Bob.Faith,sir,soitis,thisgentlemanandmyselfhavebeenmostuncivillywrong'dandbeatenbyoneDownright,acoarsefellow,aboutthetownhere;andformineownpart,Iprotest,beingamaninnosortgiventothisfilthyhumourofquarrelling,hehathassaultedmeinthewayofmypeace,despoiledmeofminehonour,disarmedmeofmyweapons,andrudelylaidmealongintheopenstreets,whenInotsomuchasonceofferedtoresisthim.

Clem.0,God'sprecious!isthisthesoldier?Here,takemyarmouroffquickly,'twillmakehimswoon,Ifear;heisnotfittolookon't,thatwillputupablow.

Mat.An'tpleaseyourworship,hewasboundtothepeace.

Clem.Why,anhewere,sir,hishandswerenotbound,werethey?

Re-enterServant.

Serv.There'soneofthevarletsofthecity,sir,hasbroughttwogentlemenhere;one,uponyourworship'swarrant.'''''m.Mywarrant!

S&rv.Yes,sir;theofficersays,procuredbythesetwo.i''ain..Bidliiiudniiein.[ExitServant.]Setbythispicture.

EnterDOWNRIGHT,STEPHEN,andBBAINWORM,disguisedasbefore.

What,MasterDownright!areyoubroughtinatMr.Freshwater'ssuithere?

Jt'tir.1'faith,sir,andhere'sanotherbroughtatmysuit.

Clem.Whatareyou,sir'.'

/i.Airentle'iiun.sir.(),unole!

('h'tn.f'ncle!who,Masterl\M<r,\rll?

Know.Ay,sir;thisisawisekinsmanofmine.

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Step.God'smywitness,uncle,Iamwrong'dheremonstrously,hechargesmewithstealingofhiscloak,andwouldImightneverstir,ifIdidnotfinditinthestreetbychance.

Dow.O,didyoufinditnow?Yousaidyouboughtitere-while.

Step.Andyousaid,Istoleit:nay,nowmyuncleishere,I'lldowellenoughwithyou.

Clem.Well,letthisbreatheawhile.Youthathavecausetocomplainthere,standforth:Hadyoumywarrantforthisgentleman'sapprehension?

Bob.Ay,an'tpleaseyourworship.

Clem.Nay,donotspeakinpassionso:wherehadyouit?

Bob.Ofyourclerk,sir.

Clem.That'swell!anmyclerkcanmakewarrants,andmyhandnotatthem!Whereisthewarrant—officer,haveyouit?

Brai.No,sir;yourworship'sman,MasterFormal,bidmedoitforthesegentlemen,andhewouldbemydischarge.

Clem.Why,MasterDownright,areyousuchanovice,tobeservedandneverseethewarrant?

Dow.Sir,hedidnotserveitonme.

Clem.No!howthen?

Dow.Marry,sir,hecametome,andsaidhemustserveit,andhewouldusemekindly,andso—

Clem,.O,God'spity,wasitso,sir?Hemustserveit!Givememylongswordthere,andhelpmeoff.So,comeon,sirvarlet,Imustcutoffyourlegs,sirrah;[Brainwormkneels.]nay,standup,Plluseyoukindly;Imustcutoffyourlegs,Isay.

[FlourishesoverMmwithhislongsword.

Brai.O,goodsir,Ibeseechyou;nay,goodmasterjustice!

Clem.Imustdoit,thereisnoremedy;Imustcutoffyourlegs,sirrah,Imustcutoffyourears,yourascal,Imustdoit:Imustcutoffyournose,Imustcutoffyourhead.

Brai.O,goodyourworship!

Clem.Well,rise;howdostthoudonow?dostthoufeelthyselfwell?hastthounoharm?

Brai.No,Ithankyourgoodworship,sir.

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Clem.Whyso!IsaidImustcutoffthylegs,andImustcutoffthyarms,andImustcutoffthyhead;butIdidnotdoit:soyousaidyoumustservethisgentlemanwithmywarrant,butyoudidnotservehim.Youknave,youslave,yourogue,doyousayyoumust,sirrah!awaywithhimtothejail;I'llteachyouatrickforyourmust,sir.

Brai.Goodsir,Ibeseechyou,begoodtome.

Clem.Tellhimheshalltothejail;awaywithhim,Isay.

Brai.Nay,sir,ifyouwillcommitme,itshallbeforcommittingmorethanthis:Iwillnotlosebymytravailanygrainofmyfame,certain.[ThrowsofjhisSerjeant'sgown.

Clem.Howisthis?

Know.MvmanBrainworm!

EveryManinHisHumour621

Step.0,yes,uncle;BrainwormhasbeenwithmycousinEdwardandIallthisday.

Clem.Itoldyoualltherewassomedevice.

Brai.Nay,excellentjustice,sinceIhavelaidmyselfthusopentoyou,nowstandstrongforme;bothwithyourswordandyourbalance.

Clem.Bodyo'me,amerryknave!givemeabowlofsack:ifhebelongtoyou.MasterKnowell,Ibespeakyourpatience.

Brai.ThatisitIhavemostneedof;Sir,ifyou'llpardonme,only,I'llgloryinalltherestofmyexploits.

Know.Sir,youknowIlovenottohavemyfavourscomehardfromme.Youhaveyourpardon,thoughIsuspectyoushrewdlyforbeingofcounselwithmysonagainstme.

Brai.Yes,faith,Ihave,sir,thoughyouretain'dmedoublythismorningforyourself:firstasBrainworm;after,asFitz-Sword.Iwasyourreform'dsoldier,sir.'TwasIsentyoutoCob'supontheerrandwithoutend.

Know.Isitpossible?orthatthoushould'stdisguisethylanguagesoasIshouldnotknowthee?

Brai.O,sir,thishasbeenthedayofmymetamorphosis.ItisnotthatshapealonethatIhaverunthroughto-day.Ibroughtthisgentleman,masterKitely,amessagetoo,intheformofmasterJustice'smanhere,todrawhimouto'theway,aswellasyourworship,whilemasterWellbredmightmakeaconveyanceofmistressBridgettomyyoungmaster.

Kit.How!mysisterstolenaway?

Know.Mysonisnotmarried,Ihope.

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Brai.Faith,sir,theyarebothassureaslove,apriest,andthreethousandpound,whichisherportion,canmakethem;andbythistimearereadytobespeaktheirwedding-supperattheWindmill,exceptsomefriendherepreventthem,andinvitethemhome.

Clem.Marry,thatwillI;Ithanktheeforputtingmeinmindon't.Sirrah,goyouandfetchthemhitheruponmywarrant.[ExitServant.']Neither'sfriendshavecausetobesorry,ifIknowtheyoungcouplearight.Here,Idrinktotheeforthygoodnews.ButIpraythee,whathastthoudonewithmyman,Formal?

Brai.Faith,sir,aftersomeceremonypast,asmakinghimdrunk,firstwithstory,andthenwithwine,(butallinkindness,)andstlippinghimtohisshirt,Ilefthiminthatcoolvein;departed,soldyourworship'swarranttothesetwo,pawn'dhisliveryforthatvarlet'sgown,toserveitin;andthushavebroughtmyselfbymyactivitytoyourworship'sconsideration.

Clem.AndIwillconsidertheeinanothercupofsack.Here'stotlif-e,whichhavingdrunkofTthismysentence:Pledgeme.Thouhastdune,orassi-tedtonothing,inmyjudgment,butdeservestobepardon'dforthewitoftheoffence.Ifthymaster,oranymanhere,beangrywiththee,Ishallsuspecthisingine,whileIknowhim,for't.Hownow,whatnoiseisthat?

EnterServant.

Serv.Sir,itisRogeriscomehome.Clem.Bringhimin,bringhimin.

EnterFORMALinasuitofarmour.

What!drunk?inarmsagainstme?yourreason,yourreasonforthis?

Form.Ibeseechyourworshiptopardonme;Ihappenedintoillcompanybychance,thatcastmeintoasleep,andstriptmeofallmyclothes.

Clem.Well,tellhimIamJusticeClement,anddopardonhim:butwhatisthistoyourarmour?whatmaythatsignify?

Form.An'tpleaseyou,sir,ithungupintheroomwhereIwasstript;andIborrow'ditofoneofthedrawerstocomehomein,becauseIwaslothtodopenancethroughthestreetinmyshirt.

Clem.Well,standbyawhile.

EnterE.KNOWELL,WELLBRED,andBRIDGET.

Whobethese?0,theyoungcompany;welcome,welcome!Giveyoujoy.Nay,mistressBridget,blushnot;youarenotsofreshabride,butthenewsofitiscomehitheraforeyou.Masterbridegroom,Ihavemadeyourpeace,givemeyourhand:sowillIforalltherestereyouforsakemyroof.

E.Know.Wearethemoreboundtoyourhumanity,sir.

Clem.Onlythesetwohavesolittleofmaninthem,theyarenopartofmycare.

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Wei.Yes,sir,letmeprayyouforthisgentleman,hebelongstomysisterthebride.

Clem.Inwhatplace,sir?

Wei.Ofherdelight,sir,belowthestairs,andinpublic:herpoet,sir.

Clem.Apoet!1willchallengehimmyselfpresentlyatextempore,

MountupthyPhlegon,Muse,andtestify,

HowSaturn,sittinginaneboncloud,Disrobedhispodex,whiteasivory,

Andthroughthewelkinthunder'dallaloud.

Wei.Heisnotforextempore,sir:heisallforthepocketcause;pleaseyoucommandasightofit.

Clem.Yes,yes,searchhimforatasteofhisvein.

[TheysearchMatheiv'spockets.

Wei.Youmustnotdenythequeen'sjustice,sir,underawritofrebellion.

Clem.What!allthisverse?bodyo'me,hecarriesawholerealm,acommonwealthofpaperinhishose:letusseesomeofhissubjects.[Reads.

EveryManinHisHumour623

Untotheboundlessoceanoftht/f

Runsthispoorriver,cJiarg'dwithdreamsofeyes.

How!thisisstolen.

E.Know.Aparody!aparody!withakindofmiraculousgift,tomakeitabsurderthanitwas.

Clem.Isalltherestofthisbatch?bringmeatorch;layittogether,andgivefire.Cleansetheair.[Setsthepapersonfire.]Herewasenoughtohaveinfectedthewholecity,ifithadnotbeentakenintime.See,see,howourpoet'sgloryshines!brighterandbrighter!stillitincreases!O,nowitisatthehighest;andnowitdeclinesasfast.Youmaysee,sictransitgloriamundif

Know.There'sanemblemforyou,son,andyourstudies.

Clem.Nay,nospeechoractofminebedrawnagainstsuchasprofessitworthily.Theyarenotborneveryyear,asanalderman.Theregoesmoretothemakingofagoodpoet,thanasheriff.MasterKitely,youlookuponme!—thoughIliveinthecityhere,amongstyou,Iwilldomorereverencetohim,whenImeethim,thanIwilltothemayoroutofhisyear.Butthesepaper-pedlars!theseink-dabblers!theycannotexpectreprehensionorreproach;they

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haveitwiththefact,

K.Know.Sir,youhavesavedmethelabourofadefence.

Clem.Itshallbediscourseforsupperbetweenyourfatherandme,ifhedareundertakeme.Buttodispatchawaythese,yousigno'thesoldier,andpictureofthepoet,(butbothsofalse,Iwillnothaveyouhangedoutatmydoortillmidnight,)whileweareatsupper,youtwoshallpenitentlyfastitoutinmycourtwithout;and,ifyouwill,youmaypraytherethatwemaybesomerrywithinastoforgiveorforgetyouwhenwecomeout.Here'sathird,becausewetenderyoursafety,shallwatchyou,heisprovidedforthepurpose.Looktoyourcharge,sir.

N/<i>.AndwhatshallIdo?

f'Iem.O!Ihadlostasheepanhehadnotbleated:why,sir,youshallgivemasterDownrighthiscloak;andIwillintreathimtotakeit.Atrencherandanapkinyoushallhaveinthebuttery,andkeepCobandhiswifecompanyhere;whom1willintreatfirsttobereconciled;andyoutoendeavourwithyourwittokeepthemso.

.S7'//.I'lldomybest.

Cob.Why,nowIseethouarthonest,Tib,Ireceivetheeasmydearandmortalwifeagain.

Tib.AndIyou,asmylovingandobedienthusband.

Clem.Goodcompliment!Itwillbetheirbridalnii:httoo.Theyaremarriedanew.Come,Iconjuretheresttoputoilalldis-'•"iitent.You,masterDownright,youran^er:you,ina.sterKnouell,yourcares;MasterKitelyandhiswife,theirjealousy.For,Imusttellyouboth,whilethatisfed,Hornsinthemindareworsethanonthehead.

Kit.^ir,thustheygofromme;kissme,sweetheart.

Seewhatadroneofhornsflyintheair,Wingedwithmycleansedandmycredulousbreath!Watch''emsuspiciouseyes,watchwheretheyfall.See,see!onheadsthatthinktheyhavenoneatall!0,whataplenteousworld,ofthiswillcome!Whenairrainshorns,allmaybesureofsome.

Ihavelearn'dsomuchverseoutofajealousman'spartinaplay.Clem.'Tiswell,'tiswell!Thisnightwe'lldedicatetofriendship,love,andlaughter.Masterbridegroom,takeyourbrideandlead;everyoneafellow.Hereismymistress,Brainworm!towhomallmyaddressesofcourtshipshallhavetheirreference:whoseadventuresthisday,whenourgrandchildrenshallheartobemadeafable,Idoubtnotbutitshallfindbothspectatorsandapplause.

[Exeunt.

GLOSSARY

ABATE,castdown,subdue

ABHORRING,repugnant(to),atvariance

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ABJECT,base,degradedthing,outcast

ABRASE,smooth,blank

ABSOLUTE(LY),faultless(ly)

ABSTRACTED,abstract,abstruse

ABUSE,deceive,insult,dishonour,makeilluseof

ACATER,caterer

ACATES,cates

ACCEPTIVE,willing,readytoaccept,receive

ACCOMMODATE,fit,befitting.(Thewordwasafashionableoneandusedonalloccasions.See"HenryIV.,"pt.2,iii.4)

ACCOST,drawnear,approach

ACKNOWN,confessedlyacquaintedwith

ACME,hillmaturity

ADALANTADO,lorddeputyorgovernorofaSpanishprovince

ADJECTION,addition

ADMIRATION,astonishment

ADMIRE,wonder,wonderat

ADROP,philosopher'sstone,orsubstancefromwhichobtained

ADSCRIBE,subscribe

ADULTERATE,spurious,counterfeit

ADVANCE,lift

ADVERTISE,inform,giveintelligence

ADVERTISED,"be—,"beitknowntoyou

ADVERTISEMENT,intelligence

ADVISE,consider,bethinkoneself,deliberate

ADVISED,informed,aware;"areyou—?"haveyoufoundthatout?

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AFFECT,love,like;aimat;move

AFFECTED,disposed;beloved

AFFECTIONATE,obstinate;prejudiced

AFFECTS,affections

AFFRONT,"givethe—,"face

AFFY,haveconfidencein;betroth

AFTER,afterthemannerof

AGAIN,AGAINST,inanticipationof

AGGRAVATE,increase,magnify,enlargeupon

AGNOMINATION.SeeParanomasie

AIERY,nest,brood

AIM,guess

ALLHID,children'scryathide-and-seek

ALL-TO,completely,entirely("all-to-be-laden")

ALLOWANCE,approbation,recognition

ALMA-CANTARAS(astron.),parallelsofaltitude

ALMAIN,nameofadance

ALMUTEN,planetofchiefinfluenceinthehoroscope

ALONE,unequalled,withoutpeer

ALUDELS,sublimingpots

AMAZED,confused,perplexed

AVUKR,AMU!<!•.,ainb'-r_;ris

AMUKI.K,MARY,awonannotedforhervalouratthesiegeofGhent,1458

AMES-ACE,lowestthrowatdica

AMPHIBOLIES,ambiguities

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AMUSED,bewildered,amazed

AN,if

ANATOMY,skeleton,ordissectedbody

ANDIRONS,fire-dogs

ANGEL,goldcoinworthIDS.,stampedwith

thefigureofthearchangelMichaelANNESHCLEARE,springknownasAgnesle

Clare

ANSWER,returnhitinfencingANTIC,ANTIQUE,clown,bufloonANTIC,likeabuffoon

ANTIPERISTASIS,anoppositionwhichenhancesthequalityitopposesAPOZEM,decoction;APPERIL,peril

APPLE-JOHN,APPLE-SQUIRE,pimp,panderAPPLY,attach

APPREHEND,takeintocustodyAPPREHENSIVE,quickofperception;able

toperceiveandappreciateAPPROVE,prove,confirmAPT,suit,adapt;train,prepare;dispose,

incline

APT(LY),suitable(y),opportune(ly)APTITUDE,suitablenessARBOR,"makethe—,"cutupthegame

(Gifford)

ARCHES,CourtofArchesARCHIE,ArchibaldArmstrong,jesterto

JamesI.andCharlesI.ARGAILE,argol,crustorsedimentinwine

casks

ARGENT-VIVE,quicksilverARGUMENT,plotofadrama;theme,subject;matterinquestion;token,proofARRIDE,pleaseARSEDINE,mixtureofcopperandzinc,used

asanimitationofgold-leafARTHUR,PRINCE,referencetoanarchery

showbyasocietywhoassumedarms,etc.,

ofArthur'sknightsARTICLE,itemARTIFICIALLY,artfullyASCENSION,evaporation,distillationASPIRE,trytoreach,obtain,longforASSALTO(Ital.),assaultASSAY,drawaknifealongthebellyofthe

deer,aceremonyoithehunting-fieldASSOIL,solve

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ASSURE,securepossessionorreversionofATHANOR,adLr^tingfurnace,calculated

tokeepupacon>t.miln.-atATONE,reconcileATTACH,attack,seizeAUDACIOUS,havingspiritandconfidenceAUTIIF.NTK(AI,),ofauthority,authorised,

trustworthy,^'•niiineAVISI-.ME.NT,rejection,consideration

BenJonson'sPlays

AVOID,begone!getridof

AWAYWITH,endure

AZOCH,MercuriusPhilosophorum

BABION,baboon

BABY,doll

BACK-SIDE,backpremises

BAFFLE,treatwithcontempt

BAGATINE,Italiancoin,worthaboutthethirdofafarthing

BAIARD,horseofmagicpowersknowntooldromance

BALDRICK,beltwornacrossthebreasttosupportbugle,etc.

BALE(ofdice),pair

BALK,overlook,passby,avoid

BALLACE,ballast

BALLOO,gameatball

BALNEUM(BAINMARIE),avesselforholdinghotwaterinwhichothervesselsarestoodforheating

BANBURY,"brotherof—,"Puritan

BANDOG,dogtiedorchainedup

BANE,woe,ruin

BANQUET,alightrepast;dessert

BARB,toclipgold

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BARBEL,fresh-waterfish

BARE,meer;bareheaded;itwas"aparticularmarkofstateandgrandeurforthecoachmantobeuncovered"(Gifford)

BARLEY-BREAK,gamesomewhatsimilartobase

BASE,gameofprisoner'sbase

BASES,richlyembroideredskirtreachingtotheknees,orlower

BASILISK,fabulousreptile,believedtoslaywithitseye

BASKET,usedforthebrokenprovisioncollectedforprisoners

BASON,basons,etc.,werebeatenbytheattendantmobwhenbadcharacterswere"carted"

BATE,bereduced;abate,reduce

BATOON,baton,stick

BATTEN,feed,growfat

BAWSON,badger

BEADSMAN,prayer-man,oneengagedtoprayforanother

BEAGLE,smallhound;fig.spy

BEARINHAND,keepinsuspense,deceivewithfalsehopes

BEARWARD,bearleader

BEDPHERE.SeePhere

BEDSTAFF,(?)woodenpininthesideofthebedsteadforsupportingthebedclothes(Johnson);oneofthesticksor"laths";astickusedinmakingabed

BEETLE,heavymallet

BEG,"I'd—him,"thecustodyofminorsandidiotswasbeggedfor;likewisepropertyfallenforfeittotheCrown("yourhousehadbeenbegged")

BELL-MAN,nightwatchman

BENJAMIN,anaromaticgum

BERLINA,pillory

BESCUMBER,defile

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BESLAVE,beslabbef

BESOGNO,beggar

BESPAWLE,bespattej

BETHLEMGABOR,Transylvanianhero,pro

claimedKingofHungaryBEVER,drinkingBEVIS,SIR,knightofromancewhosehorse

wasequallycelebratedBEWRAY,reveal,makeknownBEZANT,heraldicterm:smallgoldcircleBEZOAR'SSTONE,aremedyknownby

thisnamewasasupposedantidoteto

poison

BID-STAND,highwaymanBIGGIN,cap,similartothatv^rnbythe

Beguines;nightcapBILIVE(belive),withhasteBILK,nothing,emptytalkBILL,kindofpikeBILLET,woodcutforfuel,stickBIRDING,thieving

BLACKSANCTUS,burlesquehymn,anyunholyriot

BLANK,originallyasmallFrenchcoinBLANK,whiteBLANKET,tossinablanketBLAZE,outburstofviolenceBLAZE,(her.)blazon;publishabroadBLAZON,armorialbearings;fig.allthat

pertainstogoodbirthandbreedingBLIN,"withouten—,"withoutceasingBLOW,puffupBLUE,colourofservants'livery,hence

"—order,""--waiters"BLUSHET,blushingoneBOB,jest,tauntBOB,beat,thumpBODGE,measureBODKIN,dagger,orothershort,pointed

weapon;longpinwithwhichthewomen

fasteneduptheirhairBOLT,roll(ofmaterial)BOLT,dislodge,routout;sift(boulting-

tub)BOLT'S-HEAD,long,straight-neckedvessel

fordistillationBOMBARDSLOPS,padded,puffed-out

breeches

BONAROBA,"good,wholesome,plum-cheekedwench"(Johnson)—notalways

usedincomplimentBONNY-CLABBER,sourbutter-milkBOOKHOLDER,prompterBOOT,"to—,"intothebargain;"no—,"

ofnoavail

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BORACHIO,bottlemadeofskinBORDELLO,brothel

BORNEIT,conducted,carrieditthroughBOTTLE(ofhay),bundle,trussBOTTOM,skeinorballofthread;vesselBOURD,jestBOVOLI,snailsorcocklesdressedinthe

Italianmanner(Gifford)BOW-POT,flowervaseorpotBOYS,"terrible—,""angry—,"royster-

ingyoungbucks.(SeeNares)BRABBLES(BRABBLESH),brawlsBRACK,bitch

BRADAMANTE,aheroineinOrlandoFuriosoBRADLEY,ARTHUROF,alivelycharacter

commemoratedinballadsBRAKE,frameforconfiningahorse'sfeet

Glossary

627

whilebeingshod,orstrongcurborbridle;

trap

BRANCHED,with"detachedsleeveornaments,projectingfromtheshouldersof

thegown"(Gifiord)BRANDISH,flourishofweaponBRASH,brace

BRAVE,bravado,braggartspeechBRAVE(adv.),gaily,finely(apparelled)BRAVERIES,gallants

BRAVERY,extravagantgaietyofapparelBRAVO,bravado,swaggererBRAZEN-HEAD,speakingheadmadeby

RogerBacon

BREATHE,pauseforrelaxation;exerciseBREATHEUPON,speakdispraisinglyofBREND,burnBRIDE-ALE,weddingfeastBRIEF,abstract;(mus.)breveBRISK,smartlydressedBRIZE,breese,gadflyBROAD-SEAL,statesealBROCK,badger(termofcontempt)BROKE,transactbusinessasabrokerBROOK,endure,putupwithBROUGHTON,HUGH,anEnglishdivineand

HebrewscholarBRUIT,rumourBUCK,washBUCKLE,bendBUFF,leathermadeofbuffaloskin,usedfor

militaryandSerjeants'coats,etc.BUFO,blacktinctureBUGLE,long-shapedbeadBULLED,(?)boiled,swelledBULLIONS,trunkhoseBULLY,termoffamiliarendearmentBUNGY,FriarBungay,whohadafamiliar

intheshapeofadogBURDEN,refrain,chorusBURGONET,closely-fittinghelmetwith

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visor

BURGULLION,braggadocioBURN,markwoodenmeasures("—ingof

cans")

BURROUGH,pledge,securityBUSKIN,half-boot,footgearreachinghigh

upthelegBUTT-SHAFT,barblessarrowforshootingat

buttsBUTTER,NATHANIEL("StapleofNews"),

acompilerofgeneralnews.(SeeCunningham)BUTTERY-HATCH,half-doorshuttingoffthe

buttery,whereprovisionsandliquors

werestored

BUY,"heboughtme,"formerlytheguardianshipofwardscouldbeboughtBuz,exclamationtoenjoinsilenceBI-ZZARD,simpleton1'VANDBY,atonceBY(E),"onthe—,"incidentally,asof

minororsecondaryimportance;atthe

sideBY-CHOP,by-blow,bastard

CADUCEUS.Mercury'swandCALIVER,lightkindofmusketCALLET,womanofillrepute

CALLOT,coifwornonthewigsofourjudges

orserjeants-at-law(Gifford)CALVERED,crimped,orslicedandpickled.

(SeeNares)

CAMOUCCIO,wretch,knaveCAMUSED,flatLAN,knows

CANDLE-RENT,rentfromhousepropertyCANDLE-WASTER,onewhostudieslateCANTER,sturdybeggarCAPOFMAINTENCE,aninsigniaofdignity,

acapofstatebornebeforekingsattheir

coronation;alsoanheraldictermCAPABLE,abletocomprehend,fittoreceive

instruction,impressionCAPANEIS,oneofthe"Sevenagainst

Thebes"CARACT,carat,unitofweightforprecious

stones,etc.;value,worthCARANZA,Spanishauthorofabookon

duelling

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CARCANET,jewelledornamentfortheneckCARE,takecare;objectCAROCH,coach,carriageCARPET,table-coverCARRIAGE,bearing,behaviourCARWHITCHET,quip,punCASAMATE,casemate,fortressCASE,apair

CASE,"in—,"inconditionCASSOCK,soldier'slooseovercoatCAST,flightofhawks,coupleCAST,throwdice;vomit;forecast,calculateCAST,cashiered

CASTiNG-GLASS,bottleforsprinklingperfumeCASTRIL,kestrel,falconCAT,structureusedinsiegesCATAMITK,oldformof"ganymede"CATASTROPHE,conclusionCATCHPOLE,sheriff'sofficerGATES,dainties,provisionsCATSO,rogue,cheatCAUTELOUS,crafty,artfulCENSURE,criticism;sentenceCENSURE,criticise;passsentence,doomCERUSE,cosmeticcontainingwhiteleadLiss,assess

CHANGE,"hunt—,"followafreshscentCHAPMAN,retaildealerCHARACTER,handwritingCHARGE,expenseCHARM,subduewithmapic,layaspellon,

silence

CHARMING,exercisingmagicpowerCHARTEL,challenge(HIAP,bargain,marketCHEAR,CHEER,comfort,encouragement;

food,entertainmentCHECKAT,aimreproofatCHEQUIN,goldItaliancoinCHEVRIL,fromkidskin,whichiselasticar.d

pliableCHIAIS,Turkishenvoy;usedforacheat,

swindler

CHILDERMASSDAY,Innocents'DayCHOKE-KAIL,actionwhichdoesnotallow

ofbail

CHRYSOPCEIA,alcliCHRYSUSPEKM,waysofproducinggold

BenJonson'sPlays

CIBATION,addingfreshsubstancestosupplythewasteofevaporation

CIMICI,bugs

CINOPER,cinnabar

CIOPPINI,chopine,lady'shighshoe

CIRCLINGBOY,"aspeciesofroarer;onewhoinsomewaydrewamanintoasnare,tocheatorrobhim"(Nares)

CIRCUMSTANCE,circumlocution,beatingaboutthebush;ceremony,everythingpertainingtoacertaincondition;detail,particular

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CITRONISE,turncitroncolour

CITTERN,kindofguitar

CITY-WIRES,womanoffashion,whomadeuseofwiresforhairanddress

CIVIL,legal

CLAP,clack,chatter

CLAPPER-DUDGEON,downrightbeggar

CLAPSHISDISH,aclap,orclack,dish(dishwithamovablelid)wascarriedbybeggarsandleperstoshowthatthevesselwasempty,andtogivesoundoftheirapproach

CLARIDIANA,heroineofanoldromance

CLARISSIMO,Venetiannoble

CLEM,starve

CLICKET,latch

CLIMo'THECLOUGHS,etc.,wordyheroesofromance

CLIMATE,country

CLOSE,secret,private;secretive

CLOSENESS,secrecy

CLOTH,arras,hangings

CLOUT,markshotat,bull's-eye

CLOWN,countryman,clodhopper

COACH-LEAVES,foldingblinds

COALS,"bearno—,"submittonoaffront

COAT-ARMOUR,coatofarms

COAT-CARD,court-card

COB-HERRING,HERRING-COB,ayoungherring

COB-SWAN,maleswan

COCK-A-HOOP,denotingunstintedjollity;thoughttobederivedfromturningonthetapthat

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allmightdrinktothefulloftheflowingliquor

COCKATRICE,reptilesupposedtobeproducedfromacock'seggandtokillbyitseye—usedasatermofreproachforawoman

COCK-BRAINED,giddy,wild

COCKER,pamper

COCKSCOMB,fool'scap

COCKSTONE,stonesaidtobefoundinacock'sgizzard,andtopossessparticularvirtues

CODLING,softeningbyboiling

COFFIN,raisedcrustofapie

COG,cheat,wheedle

COIL,turmoil,confusion,ado

COKELY,masterofapuppet-show(Whalley)

COKES,fool,gull

COLD-CONCEITED,havingcoldopinionof,coldlyaffectedtowards

COLE-HARBOUR,aretreatforpeopleofallsorts

COLLECTION,composure;deduction

COLLOP,smallslice,pieceofflesh

COLLY,blacken

COLOUR,pretext

COLOURS,''fearno—,"noenemy(quibble)

COLSTAFF,cowlstaff,poleforcarryinga

COMEABOUT,charge,turnround

COMFORTABLEBREAD,spicedgingerbread

COMING,forward,readytorespond,complaisant

COMMENT,commentary;"sometimeitistakenforaheorfaynedtale"(Bullokar,1616)

COMMODITY,"currentfor—,"allusiontopracticeofmoney-lenders,whoforcedthe

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borrowertotakepartoftheloanintheshapeofworthlessgoodsonwhichthelatterhadtomakemoneyifhecould

COMMUNICATE,share

COMPASS,"in—,"withintherange,sphere

COMPLEMENT,completion,completement;anythingrequiredfortheperfectingorcarryingoutofapersonoraffair;accomplishment

COMPLEXION,naturaldisposition,constitution

COMPLIMENT.SeeComplement

COMPLIMENTARIES,mastersofaccomplishments

COMPOSITION,constitution;agreement,contract

COMPOSURE,composition

COMPTER,COUNTER,debtors'prison

CONCEALMENT,acertainamountofchurchpropertyhadbeenretainedatthedissolutionofthemonasteries;Elizabethsentcommissionerstosearchitout,andthecourtiersbeggedforit

CONCEIT,idea,fancy,wittyinvention,conception,opinion

CONCEIT,apprehend

CONCEITED,fancifully,ingeniouslydevisedorconceived;possessedofintelligence,witty,ingenious(hencewellconceited,etc.);disposedtojoke;ofopinion,possessedofanidea

CONCEIVE,understand

CONCENT,harmony,agreement

CONCLUDE,infer,prove

CONCOCT,assimilate,digest

CONDEN'T,probablyconducted

CONDUCT,escort,conductor

CONEY-CATCH,cheat

CONFECT,sweetmeat

CONFER,compare

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CONGIES,bows

CONNIVE,givealook,wink,ofsecretintelligence

CONSORT,company,concert

CONSTANCY,fidelity,ardour,persistence

CONSTANT,confirmed,persistent,faithful

CONSTANTLY,firmly,persistently

CONTEND,strive

CONTINENT,holdingtogether

CONTROL(thepoint),bearorbeatdown

CONVENT,assembly,meeting

CONVERT,turn(oneself)

CONVEY,transmitfromonetoanother

CONVINCE,evince,prove;overcome,overpower;convict

Glossary

629

COP,head,top;tuftonheadofbirds;"acop"mayhavereferencetooneorothermeaning;Giffordandothersinterpretas"conical,terminatinginapoint"

COPE-MAN,chapman

COPESMATE,companion

COPY(Lat.copia),abundance,copiousness

CORN("powder-"),grain

COROLLARY,finishingpartortouch

CORSIVE,corrosive

CORTINE,curtain,(arch.)wallbetweentwotowers,etc.

CORYAT,famousforhistravels,publishedasCoryat'sCrudities

COSSET,petlamb,pet

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COSTARD,head

COSTARD-MONGER,apple-seller,coster-

l;ir._'T

COSTS,ribs

COTE,hut

COTHURNAL,from"cothurnus,"aparticularbootwornbyactorsinGreektragedy

COTQUEAN,hussy

COUNSEL,secret

COUNTENANCE,meansnecessaryforsupport;credit,standing

COUNTER.SeeCompter

COUNTER,piecesofmetalorivoryforcalculatingatplay

COUNTER,"hunt—,"followscentinreversedirection

COUNTERFEIT,falsecoin

COUNTERPANE,onepartorcounterpartofadeedorindenture

COUNTERPOINT,opposite,contrarypoint

COURT-DISH,akindofdrinking-cup(Halli-well);N.E.D.quotesfromBp.Goodman'sCourtofJamesI.:"Theking...causedhiscarvertocuthimoutacourt-dish,thatis,somethingofeverydish,whichhesenthimaspartofhisreversion,"butthisdoesnotsoundlikeshortallowanceorsmallreceptacle

COURT-DOR,fool

COURTEAU,curtal,smallhorsewithdockedtail

COURTSHIP,courtliness

COVETISE,avarice

COWSHARD,cowdung

COXCOMB,fool'scap,fool

COY,shrink;disdain

COYSTREL,lowvarlet

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COZEN,cheat

CRACK,livelyyoungrogue,wag

CRACK,crackup,boast;cometogrief

CRAMBE,gameofcrambo,inwhichtheplayersfindrhymesforagivenword

CRANCH,craunch

CRANION,spider-like;alsofairyappellationforafly(Giflord,whoreferstolinesinDrayton's"Nimphidia")

CRIMP,gameatcar

CRINGLE,drawback,turnaside

CRISPED,withcurledorwavedhair

CROP,gather,reap

CROPSHIRE,akindofherring.(SeeX.E.D.)

CKCss,anypieceofmoney,manycomatampedwithacross

CROSSANDPILE,headsandtails

CROSSLET,crucible

CROWD,fiddle

CRUDITIES,undigestedmatter

.RUMP,curlup

LRUSADO,Portuguesegoldcoin,markedwithacross

CRY("hethatcriedItalian"),"speakinamusicalcadence,"intone,ordeclaim(?);cryup

;;<KING-STOOL,usedfortheduckingofscolds,etc.

UCURBITE,agourd-shapedvesselusedfordistillationUERPO,"in—,"inundress

CULLICE,broth

CULLION,basefellow,coward

CULLISEN,badgewornontheirarmbyservants

CULVERIN,kindofcannon

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CUNNING,skill

CUNNING,skilful

CUNNING-MAN,fortune-teller

CURE,carefor

CURIOUS(LY),scrupulous,particular;elaborate,elegantly),dainty(ly)(hence"incurious")

CURST,shrewish,mischievous

CURTAL,dogwithdockedtail,ofinferiorsort

CUSTARD,"quaking—,"politic,"

referencetoalargecustardwhichformedpartofacityfeastandaffordedhugeentertainment,forthefooljumpedintoit,andotherliketrickswereplayed.(See"AU'sWell,etc."ii.5,40)

CUTWORK,embroidery,open-work

CYPRES(CYPRUS)(quibble),cypress(orCyprus)beingatransparentmaterial,andwhenblackusedformourning

DAGGER("—frumety"),nameoftavernDARGISON,apparentlysomepersonknown

inballadortaleDAUPHINMYBOY,refrainofoldcomic

song

DAW,daunt

DEADLIFT,desperateemergencyDEAR,appliedtothatwhichinanyway

touchesusnearly

DECLINE,turnofffrom;turnaway,asideDEFALK,deduct,abateDEFEND,forbidDEGENEROUS,degenerateDEGREES,stepsDELATE,accuseDEMI-CULVERIN,cannoncam-ingaballof

abouttenpoundsDENIER,thesmallestpossiblecoin,being

thetwelfthpartofasou1>iI-ART,partwithDKPENDANCE,groundofquarrelinduello

languageIMsiRT,reward

.N-MKNT,

1)iSTKKATE,rash,:DETECT,allowtobedetected,betray,

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informagainstI>i11RHINI,terminateDETRACT,drawback,refuse

BenJonson'sPlays

DEVICE,masque,show;athingmovedby

wires,etc.,puppetDEVISE,exactineveryparticularDEVISED,inventedDIAPASM,powderedaromaticherbs,made

intoballsofperfumedpaste.(See

Pomander)DIBBLE,(?)moustache(N.E.D.);(?)

dagger(Cunningham)

DIFFUSED,disordered,scattered,irregularDIGHT,dressedDILDO,refrainofpopularsongs;vague

termoflowmeaningDIMBLE,dingle,ravineDIMENSUM,statedallowanceDISEASE,debaseDISCERN,distinguish,showadifference

between

DISCHARGE,settleforDISCIPLINE,reformation;ecclesiastical

system

DISCLAIM,renounceallpartinDISCOURSE,processofreasoning,reasoning

faculty

DISCOURTSHIP,discourtesyDISCOVER,betray,reveal;displayDISFAVOUR,disfigureDISPARAGEMENT,legaltermappliedtothe

unfitnessinanywayofamarriagearrangedforinthecaseofwardsDISPENSEWITH,grantdispensationforDISPLAY,extend

DIS'PLE,discipline,teachbythewhipDISPOSED,inclinedtomerrimentDISPOSURE,disposalDISPRISE,depreciateDISPUNCT,notpunctiliousDISQUISITION,searchDISSOLVED,enervatedbygriefDISTANCE,(?)propermeasureDISTASTE,offence,causeofoffenceDISTASTE,renderdistastefulDISTEMPERED,upset,outofhumourDIVISION(mus.),variation,modulationDOG-BOLT,termofcontemptDOLE,givenindole,charityDOLEOFFACES,distributionofgrimacesDOOM,verdict,sentenceDOP,dip,lowbow

DOR,beetle,buzzinginsect,drone,idlerDOR,(?)buzz;"givethe—,"makeafoolofDOSSER,pannier,basketDOTES,endowments,qualitiesDOTTEREL,plover;gull,foolDOUBLE,behavedeceitfullyDOXY,wench,mistressDRACHM,GreeksilvercoinDRESS,groom,curryDRESSING,coiffureDRIFT,intention

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DRYFOOT,trackbymerescentoffootDUCKING,punishmentforminoroffencesDUILL,grieveDUMPS,melancholy,originallyamournful

melody

DURINDANA,Orlando'sswordDWINDLE,shrinkaway,beoverawed

EAN,yean,bringforthyoung

EASINESS,readiness

EBOLITION,ebullition

EDGE,sword

EECH,eke

EGREGIOUS,eminentlyexcellent

EKE,also,moreover

E-LA,highestnoteinthescale

EGGSONTHESPIT,importantbusinessonhand

ELF-LOCK,tangledhair,supposedtebetheworkofelves

EMMET,ant

ENGAGE,involve

ENGHLE.SeeIngle

ENGHLE,cajole;fondle

ENGIN(E),device,contrivance;agent;ingenuity,wit

ENGINER,engineer,deviser,plotter

ENGINOUS,crafty,fullofdevices;witty,ingenious

ENGROSS,monopolise

ENS,anexistingthing,asubstance

ENSIGNS,tokens,wounds

ENSURE,assure

ENTERTAIN,takeintoservice

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ENTREAT,plead

ENTREATY,entertainment

ENTRY,placewhereadeerhaslatelypassed

ENVOY,denouement,conclusion

ENVY,spite,calumny,dislike,odium

EPHEMERIDES,calendars

EQUAL,just,impartial

ERECTION,elevationinesteem

ERINGO,candiedrootofthesea-holly,formerlyusedasasweetmeatandaphrodisiac

ERRANT,arrant

ESSENTIATE,becomeassimilated

ESTIMATION,esteem

ESTRICH,ostrich

ETHNIC,heathen

EURIPUS,fluxandreflux

EVEN,just,equable

EVENT,fate,issue

EVENT(ED),issue(d)

EVERT,overturn

EXACUATE,sharpen

EXAMPLESS,withoutexampleorparallel

EXCALIBUR,KingArthur'ssword

EXEMPLIFY,makeanexampleof

EXEMPT,separate,exclude

EXEQUIES,obsequies

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EXHALE,dragout

EXHIBITION,allowanceforkeep,pocket-money

EXORBITANT,exceedinglimitsofproprietyorlaw,inordinate

EXORNATION,ornament

EXPECT,wait

EXPIATE,terminate

EXPLICATE,explain,unfold

EXTEMPORAL,extempore,unpremeditated

EXTRACTION,essence

EXTRAORDINARY,employedforaspecialortemporarypurpose

EXTRUDE,expel

EYE,"in—,"inview

EYEBRIGHT,(?)amaltliquorinwhichthe

Glossary

herbofthisnamewasinfused,orapersonwhosoldthesame(Gifford)EYE-TINGE,leastshadeorgleam

FACE,appearance

FACESABOUT,militarywordofcommand

FACINOROUS,extremelywicked

PACKINGS,faith

FACT,deed,act,crime

FACTIOUS,seditious,belongingtoaparty,giventopartyfeeling

FAECES,dregs

FAGIOLI,Frenchbeans

FAIN,forced,necessitated

FAITHFUL,believing

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FALL,rufforbandturnedbackontheshoulders;or,veil

FALSIFY,feign(fencingterm)

FAME,report

FAMILIAR,attendantspirit

FANTASTICAL,capricious,whimsical

FARCE,stuff

FAR-FET.SeeFet

FARTHIXGAL,hoopedpetticoat

FAUCET,tapster

FAULT,lack;loss,breakinlineofscent;"for—,"indefaultof

FAUTOR,partisan

FAYLES,oldtablegamesimilartobackgammon

FEAR(ED),affright(ed)

FEAT,activity,operation;deed,action

FEAT,elegant,trim

FEE,"in-"byfeudalobligation

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FEIZE,beat,belabour

FELLOW,termofcontempt

FENNEL,emblemofflattery

FERE,companion,fellow

FERN-SEED,supposedtohavepowerofrenderinginvisible

FET,fetched

FETCH,trick

FEUTERER(Fr.vaulrier),dog-keeper

FEWMETS,dung

Fico,fig

FIGGUM,(?)jugglery

FIGMENT,fiction,invention

FIRK,frisk,movesuddenly,orinjerks;"—up,"stirup,rouse;"firksmad,"suddenlybehaveslikeamadman

FIT,payoneout,punish

FITNESS,readiness

FITTON(FITTEN),lie,invention

FIVE-AND-FIFTY,"highestnumbertostandonatprimero"(Gifford)

FLAG,toflylowandwaveringly

1I.A'-,ONCHAIN,forhangingasmelling-bottle(Fr.flacon)roundtheneck(SeeX.E.D.)

FLAP-DRAGON,gamesimilartosnap-dragon

1'i.ASKET,somekindofba

IM.AW,suddengustorsquallofwind

iLAWN,custard\,catchfleas

ii.iiR,sneer,laughdrrMvclv

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hLisn,feedahawkordoi;withflr^htoinciteittothechase;initiateinbloodshed;satiate

I-L;CKER-MOLSE,bat

FLIGHT,lightarrowFLITTER-MOUSE,bat

FLOUT,mock,speakandactcontemptuously

FLOWERS,pulverisedsubstanceFLY,familiarspiritFOIL,weaponusedinfencing;thatwhich

setsanythingofftoadvantageFOIST,cut-purse,sharperFOND(LY),foolish(ly)FOOT-CLOTH,housingsofornamentalcloth

whichhungdownoneithersideahorse

totheground

FOOTING,foothold;footstep;dancingFOPPERY,foolery

FOR,"-failing,"forfearoffailingFORBEAR,bearwith;abstainfromFORCE,"huntat—,"runthegamedown

withdogsFOREHEAD,modesty;face,assurance,

effronteryFORESLOW,delayFORESPEAK,bewitch;foretellFORETOP,frontlockofhairwhichfashion

requiredtobewornuprightFORGED,fabricatedFORM,stateformallyFORMAL,shapely;normal;conventionalFORTHCOMING,producedwhenrequiredFOUNDER,disablewithover-ridingFOURM,form,lairFox,swordFRAIL,rushbasketinwhichfigsorraisins

werepacked

FRAMPULL,peevish,sour-temperedFRAPLER,blusterer,wranglerFRAYING,"astagissaidtofrayhishead

whenherubsitagainstatreeto...

causetheoutwardcoatofthenewhorns

tofalloff"(Gifford)FREIGHT(ofthegazetti),burden(ofthe

newspapers)FREQUENT,fullFRICACE,rubbing

FRICATRICE,womanoflowcharacterFRIPPERY,oldclothesshopFROCK,smock-frockFROLICS,(?)humorousversescirculated

atafeast(X.E.D.);coupletswrapped

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roundsweetmeats(Cunningham)FRONTLUSS,shamelessFROTED,rubbedFRUMETY,hulledwheatboiledinmilkand

spiced

I-HIMr,flout,sneerFucus,dyeFUGEAND,(?)figent:fidgety,restless

(X.E.D.)

FULLAM,falsedice1-CI.MAHT,polecatHiSOME,foul,offensiveFURIBUND,raging,furious

GALLEY-FOIST,city-barge,usedonIM.ivor'sDay,wln-nhewasswornintohi-

oilieratUV-tmmMiT(Ulull.-v)(•AI.LIARD,livelydanceintripletimeGAPE,be<-.m<T.ifirrGAKAOANTUA,Rabelais'giant

BenJonson'sPlays

GARB,sheaf(Fr.gerbe);manner,fashion,

behaviourCARD,guard,trimming,goldorsilverlace,

orotherornamentCARDED,facedortrimmedGARNISH,feeGAVEL-KIND,nameofaland-tenureexisting

chieflyinKent;fromi6thcenturyoften

usedtodenotecustomofdividingadeceasedman'spropertyequallyamong

hissons(N.E.D.)GAZETTE,smallVenetiancoinworthabout

three-farthingsGEANCE,jaunt,errandGEAR(GEER),stuff,matter,affairGELID,frozenGEMONIES,stepsfromwhichthebodiesof

criminalswerethrownintotheriverGENERAL,free,affableGENIUS,attendantspiritGENTRY,gentlemen;mannerscharacteristic

ofgentry,goodbreedingGIB-CAT,tom-cat

GIGANTOMACHIZE,startagiants'warGIGLOT,wantonGIMBLET,gimletGING,gangGLASS("takinginofshadows,etc."),

crystalorberylGLEEK,cardgameplayedbythree;party

ofthree,trio;sideglanceCLICK(GLEEK),jest,gibeGLIDDER,glazeGLORIOUSLY,ofvaingloryGODWIT,birdofthesnipefamilyGOLD-END-MAN,abuyerofbrokengoldand

silver

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GOLL,handGONFALIONIER,standard-bearer,chief

magistrate,etc.GOOD,soundincreditGOOD-YEAR,goodluckGOOSE-TURD,colourof.(SeeTurd)GORCROW,carrioncrowGORGET,neckarmourGOSSIP,godfatherGOWKED,from"gowk,"tostandstaring

andgapinglikeafoolGRANNAM,grandamGRASS,(?)grease,fatGRATEFUL,agreeable,welcomeGRATIFY,givethankstoGRATITUDE,gratuityGRATULATE,welcome,congratulateGRAVITY,dignityGRAY,badgerGRICE,cubGRIEF,grievanceGRIPE,vulture,griffinGRIPE'SEGG,vesselinshapeofGROAT,fourpenceGROGRAN,coarsestuffmadeofsilkand

mohair,orofcoarsesilkGROOM-PORTER,officerintheroyalhousehold

GROPE,handle,probe

GROUND,pit(hence"groundedjudgments")GUARD,caution,heed

GUARDANT,heraldicterm:turningthehead

only

GUILDER,Dutchcoinworthabout^d.GULES,gullet,throat;heraldictermforredGULL,simpleton,dupeGUST,taste

HABNAB,by,on,chance

HABERGEON,coatofmail

HAGGARD,wildfemalehawk;hencecoy,wild

HALBERD,combinationoflanceandbattle-axe

HALL,"a—!"acrytocleartheroomforthedancers

HANDSEL,firstmoneytaken

HANGER,looporstraponasword-beltfromwhichtheswordwassuspended

HAP,fortune,luck

HAPPILY,haply

HAPPINESS,appropriateness,fitness

HAPPY,rich

HARBOUR,track,trace(ananimal)toitsshelter

HARD-FAVOURED,harsh-featured

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HARPOCRATES,Horusthechild,sonofOsiris,figuredwithafingerpointingtohismouth,indicativeofsilence

HARRINGTON,apatentwasgrantedtoLordH.forthecoinageoftokens(q.v.)

HARROT,herald

HARRYNICHOLAS,founderofacommunitycalledthe"FamilyofLove"

HAY,netforcatchingrabbits,etc.

HAY!(Ital.hai!),youhaveit(afencingterm)

HAYINHISHORN,ill-temperedperson

HAZARD,gameatdice;thatwhichisstaked

HEAD,"first—,"youngdeerwithantlersfirstsprouting;fig.anewly-ennobledman

HEADBOROUGH,constable

HEARKENAFTER,inquire;"hearkenout,"find,searchout

HEARTEN,encourage

HEAVENANDHELL("Alchemist"),namesoftaverns

HECTIC,fever

HEDGEIN,include

HELM,upperpartofaretort

HER'NSEW,hernshaw,heron

HIERONIMO(JERONIMO),heroofKyd's"SpanishTragedy"

HOBBY,nag

HOBBY-HORSE,imitationhorseofsomelightmaterial,fastenedroundthewaistofthemomce-dancer,whoimitatedthemovementsofaskittishhorse

HODDY-DODDY,fool

HOIDEN,hoyden,formerlyappliedtobothsexes(ancienttermforleveret?Gifford)

HOLLAND,nameoftwofamouschemists

HONEANDHONERO,wailingexpressionsoflamentordiscontent

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HOOD-WINK'D,blindfolded

HORARY,hourly

HORN-MAD,starkmad(quibble)

HORN-THUMB,cut-purseswereinthehabitofwearingahornshieldonthethumb

Glossary

633

HOFSE-BRFAD-EATTNG,hofSCSWCTCOflCDI

fedoncoarsebread

HORSE-COURSER,horse-dealer

HOSPITAL,Christ'sHospital

HOWLEGLAS,Eulenspiegel,theheroofapopularGermantalewhichrelateshisbuffooneriesandknavishtricks

HUFF,hectoring,arrogance

HUFFIT,swagger

HUISHER(Fr.huissier),usher

HTM,beerandspiritsmixedtogether

HUMANITIAN,humanist,scholar

HUMOROUS,capricious,moody,outofhumour;moist

HUMOUR,awordusedinandoutofseasoninthetimeofShakespeareandBenJon-son,andridiculedbyboth

HUMOURS,manners

HUMPHREY,DUKE,thosewhoweredinner-lessspentthedinner-hourinapartofSt.Paul'swherestoodamonument,saidtobethatoftheduke's;hence"dinewithDukeHumphrey,"togohungry

HURTLESS,harmless

IDLE,useless,unprofitable

ILL-AFFECTED,ill-disposed

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ILL-HABITED,unhealthy

ILLUSTRATE,illuminate

IMBIBITION,saturation,steeping

IMBROCATA,fencingterm:athrustintierce

IMPAIR,impairment

IMPART,givemoney

IMPARTER,anyonereadytobecheatedand

topartwithhismoneyIMPEACH,damageIMPERTINENCIES,irrelevanciesIMPF.RTINENT(LY),irrelevaiit(ly),without

reasonorpurposeIMPOSITION,dutyimposedbyIMPOTENTLY,beyondpowerofcontrolIMPRJSS,moneyinadvanceIMPULSION,incitementINANDIN,agameplayedbytwoorthree

personswithfourdiceINCENSE,incite,stirupINCERATION,actofcoveringwithwax;or

reducingasubstancetosoftnessofwaxINCH,"totheir—es,"accordingtotheir

stature,capabilitiesINCH-PIN,sweet-breadINCONVENIENCE,inconsistency,absurdityINCONY,delicate,rare(usedasatermof

affection)INCUBEE,incubusINCUBUS,evilspiritthatoppressesusin

sleep,nightmare

INCURIOUS,unfastidious,uncriticalINDENT,enterintor-i'-nt

INDIFFERENT,toN-raM',;•ableINDIGESTED,shapeless,chaoticINDUCE,introduceINDUK,supplyINEXORABLE,relentlessINPANTED,born,producedINFLAME,augmentcharINGENIOUS,us'.-<lindiscriminatelyforin-

mous;intelligent,talentedINGENUIIY,

INGENUOUS,generous

INGINE.SeeEngin

INGINER,engineer.(SeeE

INGLE,ORENGHLE,bosomLncud,intimate,

minion

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INHABITABLE,uninhabitableINJURY,insult,affrontIN-MATE,resident,indwellingINNATE,naturalINNOCENT,simpletonINQUEST,jury,orotherofucialbodyof

inquiry

INQUISITION,inquiryINSTANT,immediateINSTRUMENT,legaldocumentINSURE,assure

INTEGRATE,complete,perfectINTELLIGENCE,secretinformation,newsINTEND,notecarefully,attend,giveearto,

beoccupiedwithINTENDMENT,intentionINTENT,intention,wishINTENTION,concentrationofattentionor

gaze

INTENTIVE,attentiveINTERESSED,implicatedINTRUDE,bringinforciblyorwithout

leave

INVINCIBLY,invisiblyINWARD,intimateIKPE(uncertain),"afantasticgrimace,or

contortionofthebody"(Giliord)

JACK,Jacko'theclock,automatonfigurethatstrikesthehour;Jack-a-ient,puppetthrownatinLent

JACK,keyofavirginal

JACOB'SSTAFF,aninstrumentfortakingaltitudesanddistances

JADE,befool

JEALOUSY,JEALOUS,suspicion,suspicious

JERKING,lashing

JEW'STRUMP,Jew'sharp

JIG,merryballadortune;afancifuldialogueorlightcomicactintroducedattheendorduringaninterludeofaplay

JOINED(JOINT)-STOOL,foldingstool

JOLL,jowl

JOLTHEAD,blockhead

JIMP,agree,tally

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JUSTYEAR,noonewascapableoftheconsulshipuntilhewasfoily-three

KELL,cocoon

KELLY,analchemist

KI.MB,comb

KEMIA,vesselfordistillation

I-.IHE,chap,sore

KILDERKIN,smallbarrel

KILL,kiln

KIND,nature;species;"doone's—,"artaccordingtoone'snature

KIRTLI,woman'sgownofjacketandpetticoat

KlSSORDRINKAFOREME,"thisJSa

l.nuiliarexpression,employedwlu-nwhatthespeakerisjustabt»..isanti-

cipatedbyanother"(Giliord;KIT,fiddle

BenJonson'sPlays

KNACK,snap,click

KNIPPER-DOLING,awell-knownAnabaptist

KNITTINGCUP,marriagecup

KNOCKING,striking,weighty

KNOT,company,band;asandpiper,or

robinsnipe(Tringacanutus);flower-bed

laidoutinfancifuldesignKURSINED,KYRSIN,christened

LABOURED,wroughtwithlabourandcare

LADE,load(ed)

LADING,load

LAID,plotted

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LANCE-KNIGHT(Lanzknecht),aGerman

mercenaryfoot-soldierLAP,fold

LAR,householdgodLARD,garnishLARGE,abundantLARUM,alarum,calltoarmsLATTICE,tavernwindowswerefurnished

withlatticesofvariouscoloursLAUNDER,towashgoldinaquaregia,soas

imperceptiblytoextractsomeofitLAVE,ladle,baleLAW,"give—,"giveastart(termof

chase)

LAXATIVE,looseLAYABOARD,runalongsidegenerallywith

intenttoboard

LEAGUER,siege,orcampofbesiegingarmyLEASING,lyingLEAVE,leaveoff,desistLEER,leering,or"empty,hence,perhaps,

leerhorse,ahorsewithoutarider;leeris

anadjectivemeaninguncontrolled,hence

'leerdrunkards'"(Halliwell);according

toNares,aleer(empty)horsemeantalso

aledhorse;leeward,leftLEESE,lose

LEGS,"make—,"doobeisanceLEIGER,residentrepresentativeLEIGERITY,legerdemainLEMMA,subjectproposed,ortitleofthe

epigramLENTER,slowerLET,hinderLET,hindranceLEVELCOIL,aroughgame...inwhich

onehuntedanotherfromhisseat.Hence

usedforanynoisyriot(Haluwell)LEWD,ignorantLEYSTALLS,receptaclesoffilthLIBERAL,ampleLIEGER,ledger,registerLIFT(ING),steal(ing);theftLIGHT,alight

LIGHTLY,commonly,usually,oftenLIKE,please

LIKELY,agreeable,pleasingLIME-HOUND,leash-,blood-houndLIMMER,vile,worthlessLIN,leaveoffLINE,"by—,"byruleLINSTOCK,stafftostickintheground,with

forkedheadtoholdalightedmatchfor

firingcannonLIQUID,clearLIST,listen,hark;like,please

LIVERY,legalterm,deliveryofthepossession,etc.

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LOGGET,smalllog,stick

LOOSE,solution;upshot,issue;releaseofanarrow

LOSE,giveover,desistfrom;waste

LOUTING,bowing,cringing

LUCULENT,brightofbeauty

LUDGATHIANS,dealersonLudgateHill

LURCH,rob,cheat

LUTE,tocloseavesselwithsomekindofcement

MACK,unmeaningexpletiveMADGE-HOWLETorOWL,barn-owlMAIM,hurt,injuryMAIN,chiefconcern(usedasaquibbleOB

heraldictermfor"hand")MAINPRISE,becomingsuretyforaprisoner

soastoprocurehisreleaseMAINTENANCE,givingaid,orabettingMAKE,mateMAKE,MADE,acquaintwithbusiness,pre-

pare(d),instruct(ed)MALLANDERS,diseaseofhorsesMALTHORSE,drayhorseMAMMET,puppetMAMMOTHREPT,spoiledchildMANAGE,control(termusedforbreaking-in

horses);handling,administrationMANGO,slave-dealerMANGONISE,polishupforsaleMANIPLES,bundles,handfulsMANKIND,masculine,likeaviragoMANKIND,humanityMAPLEFACE,spottedfa<"e(N.E.D.)MARCHPANE,aconfectionofalmonds,

sugar,etc.MARK,"flytothe—,""generallysaidofa

goshawkwhen,having'putin'acovey

ofpartridges,shetakesstand,marking

thespotwheretheydisappearedfrom

viewuntilthefalconerarrivestoput

themouttoher"(Harting,Bibl.Accip,

Gloss.226)MARLE,marvelMARROW-BONEMAN,oneoftenonhisknees

forprayerMARRY!exclamationderivedfromthe

Virgin'snameMARRYGIF,"probablyoriginatedfrom

ByMaryGipcy=St.MaryofEgypt'

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(N.E.D.)

MARTAGAN,Turk'scaplilyMARYHINCHCO,stringhaltMASORETH,Masora,correctformofthe

scripturaltextaccordingtoHebrew

tradition

MASS,abb.formasterMAUND,begMAUTHER,girl,maidMEAN,moderationMEASURE,dance,moreespeciallyastately

oneMEAT,"carry—inone'smouth,"bea

sourceofmoneyorentertainmentMEATH,metheglinMECHANICAL,belongingtomechanics;

mean,vulgar

Glossary

635

MEDITKPRAVEO,middleai=leofSt.Paul's,ageneralresortforbusinessandamu>e-ment

MLLTWITH,evenwithMELICOTTON,alatekindofpeachMr-.STKUE,solventMERCAT,marketMLRD,excrement

MERE,undiluted;absolute,unmitigatedMESS,partyoffourMETHEGLIN,fermentedliquor,ofwhichone

dientwashoney

METOPOSCOPY,studyofphysiognomyMIDDLINGGOSSIP,go-betweenMIGNIARD,dainty,delicateMILE-END,training-groundofthecityMINE-MEN,sappersMINION,formofcannonMINSITIVE,(?)mincing,affected(X.E.D.)

•LLANVMADAM,"&femaletraderinmiscellaneousarticles;adealerintrinketsorornamentsofvariouskinds,suchaskeptshopsintheNewExchange"(Nares)

•E,mixedgr'Hey

MISCONCEIT,misconceptionMIS.-RISE,MISPRISION,mistake,misunderstanding

MISTAKEAWAY,carryawayasifbymistakeMITHRIDATE,anantidoteagainstpoisonMOCCINIGO,smallVenetiancoin,worthaboutninepence

iRN,inthemode;ordinary,commonplace

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-ceorinfluenceofvalue•-TANTO,upwardstroke

TH'SVIIVD,violentdesireMOORISH,likeamoororwaste

ordofBevisofSouthamptonj'ICE-DANCE,danceson>.etc.,

inwhichcertainpersonageswererepresented

MORTALITY,deathMORT-MAL,oldsore,ganpreneMOSCADINO,confectionflavouredwithmuskMOTHER,H\stericapassio

.osal,request;puppet,puppet-show;"oneofthesmallfiguresonthefaceofalargeclockwhichwasn

..'[..rationofthependulum"

propose

-ofafool;

tosignifypertainingto,orlike,a:MOTTE,motto

RNIVAL,setoffouracesorcourtcardsinahand;aquartette

-heavesofL'rain

Mex]••-.'.eofironyandincredulityMMKISMF.i.ar.'ikerchiefM-LE,"borntorideon—,"judgesorser-;'its-at-lawfumules

vh_'instatetoWestminster

WhaDiM'-LLt;

•:•<HASCE,gameofchance,playedin

iceMUN,must

MUREY,darkcrimsonred

sOVY-GLASS,micaMLSE,wonderMusicAI*,inharmonyMiss,mouse;scrambleMYROBOLANE,foreignconserve,"adried

plum,broughtfromtheIndies"MYSTERY,art,trade,profession

NAIL,"tothe—"(adunguem),toperfection,totheveryutmost

NATIVE,natural

NEAT,cattle

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NEAT,smartlyapparelled;unmixed;dainty

NEATLY,neatlyfinished

NEATNESS,elegance

NEIS,nose,scent

NEUF(NEAF,NEIF),fist

NEUFT,newt

NIAISE,foolish,inexperiencedperson

NICE,fastidious,trivial,finical,scrupulous

NICENESS,fastidiousness

NICK,exactamount;rightmoment;"setinthe—,"meaninguncertain

NICK,suit,fit;hit,seizetherightmoment,etc.,exactlyhiton,hitoff

NOBLE,goldcoinworth6s.8d.

NOCENT,harmful

NIL,notwill

NOISE,companyofmusicians

NOMENTACK,anIndianchieffromVirginia

NONES,nonce

NOTABLE,egregious

NOTE,sign,token

NOUGHT,"be—,"gotothedevil,behanged,etc.

NOWT-HEAD,blockhead

NUMBER,rhythm

NUPSON,oaf,simpleton

OADE,woad

OBARNI,preparationofmeadOBJECT,oppose;expose;interposeOBLATRANT,barking,railingOBNOXIOUS,liable,exposed;offer.

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-XVANCE,homage,devotedserviceOBSERVANT,attentive,obsequiousOBSERVE,showdeference,respect

-:VER,onewhoshowsdeference,orwaitsuponanother

-ANCY,legalphrase,"juridicalopposi-n"

HEPEROUS,clamorous,vociferous

r,stupefied

ODLING,(?)"musthavesomerelationtotrickingandcheating"(Nares)

sous,deadly,fatalONCE,atonce;forgoodandall;usedalso

foradditionalemphasis'>M.Y,pre-eminent,sp

.,makepublic;expound

obstructionOPPONE,oppose

SITK,antatf'jnistOPPRESS,supjORIGINOUS,nativeOKT,remnant,scrap

BenTonson'sPlays

•fj

OUT,"tobe—,"tohaveforgottenone'spart;notatonewitheachother

OUTCRY,salebyauction

OUTRECUIDANCE,arrogance,presumption

OUTSPEAK,speakmorethan

OVERPARTED,giventoodimcultaparttoplay

OWLSPIEGEL.SeeHowleglass

OYEZ!(OYES!),hearye!callofthepubliccrierwhenabouttomakeaproclamation

PACKINGPENNY,"givea—,"dismiss,sendpacking

PAD,highway

PAD-HORSE,road-horse

PAIXED(PANED)SLOPS,fullbreechesmadeofstripsofdifferentcolourandmaterial

PAINFUL,diligent,painstaking

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PAINT,blush

PALINODE,odeofrecantation

PALL,weaken,dim,makescale

PALM,triumph

PAN,skirtofdressorcoat

PANNEL,pad,orroughkindofsaddle

PANNIER-ALLY,inhabitedbytripe-sellers

PANNIER-MAN,hawker;amanemployedabouttheinnsofcourttobringinprovisions,setthetable,etc.

PANTOFLE,indoorshoe,slipper

PARAMENTOS,finetrappings

PARANOMASIE,aplayuponwords

PARANTORY,(?)peremptory

PARCEL,particle,fragment(usedcontemptuously];article

PARCEL,part,partly

PARCEL-POET,poetaster

PARERGA,subordinatematters

PARGET,topaintorplaster^theface

PARLE,parley

PARLOUS,clever,shrewd

PART,apportion

PARTAKE,participatein

PARTED,endowed,talented

PARTICULAR,individualperson

PARTIZAN,kindofhalberd

PARTRICH,partridge

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PARTS,qualities,endowments

PASH,dash,smash

PASS,care,troubleoneself

PASSADO,fencingterm:athrust

PASSAGE,gameatdice

PASSINGLY,exceedingly

PASSION,effectcausedbyexternalagency

PASSION,"in—,"insomelancholyatone,sopathetically

PATOUN,(?)Fr.pdton,pelletofdough;perhapsthe"mouldingofthetobacco...forthepipe"(Gifford);(?)variantofPetun,SouthAmericannameoftobacco

PATRICO,therecorder,priest,oratorofstrollingbeggarsorgipsies

PATTEN,shoewithwoodensole;"go—,"keepstepwith,accompany

PAUCAVERBA,fewwords

PAVIN,astatelydance

PEACE,"withmymaster's—,"byleave,favour

PECULIAR,individual,single

PEDANT,teacherofthelanguages

PEEL,baker'sshovel

PEEP,speakinasmallorshrillvoice

PEEVISHLY),fooh'sh(ly),capncious(ly);

childish(ly)PELICAN,aretortfittedwithtubeortubes,

forcontinuousdistillationPENCIL,smalltuftofhairPERDUE,soldieraccustomedtohazardous

servicePEREMPTORY,resolute,bold;imperious;

thorough,utter,absolute(ly)PERIMETER,circumferenceofafigurePERIOD,limit,endPERK,perkupPERPETUANA,"thisseemstobethat

glossykindofstulinowcalledeverlasting,

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andancientlywornbySerjeantsand

othercityofficers"(Gilford)PERSPECTIVE,aview,sceneorscenery;an

opticaldevicewhichgaveadistortionto

thepictureunlessseenfromaparticular

point;arelief,modelledtoproducean

opticalillusionPERSPICLL,opticglassPEKSTRINGE,criticise,censurePERSUADE,inculcate,commendPERSWAY,mitigatePERTINACY,pertinacityPESTLING,pounding,pulverising,likea

pestlePETASUS,broad-brimmedhatorwingedcap

wornbyMercuryPETITIONARY,supplicatoryPETRONEL,akindofcarbineorlightgun

carriedbyhorsemenPETULANT,pert,insolentPHERE.SeeFerePHLEGMA,waterydistilledliquor(oldchem.

"water")

PHRENETIC,madmanPICARDIL,stiffuprightcollarfastenedon

tothecoat(Whalley)PICKT-HATCH,disreputablequarterof

LondonPIECE,person,usedforwo-nanorgirl;a

goldcoinworthinJonson'stime2os.or

22S.

PIECESOFEIGHT,Spanishcoin:piastreequaltoeightreals

PIED,variegated

PIE-POUDRES(Fr.pied-poudreux,dusty-foot),courtheldatfairstoadministerjusticetoitinerantvendorsandbuyers

PILCHER,termofcontempt;onewhoworeabun1orleatherjerkin,asdidtheser-jeantsofthecounter;apilferer

PILED,puled,peeled,bald

PILL'D,polled,fleeced

PIMLICO,"sometimesspokenofasaperson—perhapsmasterofahousefamousforaparticularale"(Gifford)

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PINE,afflict,distress

PINK,stabwithaweapon;pierceorcutinscallopsforornament

PINNACE,ago-betweenininfamoussense

PISMIRE,ant

P.sroLET,goldcoin,worthabout6s.

PITCH,heightofabirdofprey'sflight

PLAGUE,punishment,torment

Glossary

637

PLAIN,lament

PLAINSONG,simplemelody

PLAISE,plaice

PLANET,"struckwitha—,"planetswere

supposedtohavepowersofblamingor

exercisingsecretinfluencesPLAUSIBLE,pleasingPLAUSIBLY,approvinglyPLOT,planPLY,applyoneselftoPOESIE,posy,mottoinsidearingPOINTINHISDEVICE,exactinevery

particularPOINTS,taggedlacesorcordsforfastening

thebreechestothedoubletPOINT-TRUSSER,onewhotrussed(tied)his

master'spoints(q.v.)POISE,weigh,balancePOKING-STICK,stickusedforsettingthe

plaitsofruflsPOLITIC,politician

POLITIC,judicious,prudent,politicalPOLITICIAN,plotter,intriguerPOLL,strip,plunder,gainbyextortionPOMANDER,ballofperfume,wornorhung

aboutthepersontopreventinfection,or

forfopperyPOMMADO,vaultingonahorsewithoutthe

aidofstirrupsPONTIC,sour

POPULAR,vulgar,ofthepopulacePOPULOUS,numerousPORT,gate;printofadeer'sfootPORT,transportPORTAGUE,Portuguesegoldcoin,worth

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over£3or£4PORTCULLIS,"—ofcoin,"someoldcoins

haveaportcullisstampedontheir

reverse(Whalley)

PORTENT,marvel,prodiey;sinisteromenPORTENTOUS,prophesyingevil,threateningPORTER,referencesappear"toalludeto

Parsons,theking'sporter,whowas...

nearsevenfeethigh"(\Vhalley)POSSESS,inform,acquaintPOSTANDPAIR,agameatcardsPOSY,motto.(SeePoesie)POTCH,poachPOULT-FOOT,club-footPOUNCE,claw,talonPRACTICE,intrigue,concertedplotPRACTISE,plot,conspirePRAGMATIC,anexpert,agentPRAGMATIC,officious,conceited,meddlingPRECEDENT,recordofproceedingsPRECEPT,warrant,summonsPRECISIAN(ISM),Puritan(ism),precisenessPREFER,recommendPRESF.NCE,presencechamberPRESENT(LY),immediate'ly),without

delay;atthepresenttime;actuallyPRESS,forceintoservicePRIST,readyPRETEND,assert,allegePREVENT,anticipatePRICE,worth,excellencePRICK,point,dotusedinthewritingofHebrewandotherlangu

PRICK,prickout,markoff,select;trace,track;"—away,"makeoffwithspeed

PRIMERO,gameofcards

PRINcox,pertboy

PRINT,"in—,"totheletter,exactly

PRISTINATE,former

PRIVATE,privateinterests

PRIVATE,privy,intimate

PROCLIVE,proneto

PRODIGIOUS,monstrous,unnatural

PRODIGY,monster

PRODUCED,prolonged

PROFESS,pretend

PROJECTION,thethrowingofthe"powderofprojection"intothecrucibletoturnthemeltedmetalintogoldorsilver

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PROLATE,pronouncedrawlingly

PROPER,ofgoodappearance,handsome;own,particular

PROPERTIES,stagenecessaries

PROPERTY,duty;tool

PRORUMPED,burstout

PROTEST,vow,proclaim(anaffectedwordofthattime);formallydeclarenon-payment,etc.,ofbillofexchange;fig.failureofpersonalcredit,etc.

PROVANT,soldier'sallowance—hence,ofcommonmake

PROVIDE,foresee

PROVIDENCE,foresight,prudence

PUBLICATION,makingathingpublicorcommonproperty(N.E.D.)

PUCKFIST,puff-ball;insipid,insignificant,boastingfellow

PUFF-WING,shoulderpuff

PUISNE,judgeofinferiorrank,ajunior

PULCHRITUDE,beauty

PUMP,shoe

PUNGENT,piercing

PUNTO,point,hit

PURCEPT,precept,warrant

PURE,fine,capital,excellent

PURELY,perfectly,utterly

PURL,pleatorfoldofaruff

PURSE-NET,netofwhichthemouthisdrawntogetherwithastring

PURSUIVANT,statemessengerwhosummonedthepersecutedseminaries;warrantofficer

PURSY,PURSINESS,shortwinded(ness)

PUT,makeapush,exertyourself(N.E.D.)

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PUTOFF,excuse,shift

PUTON,incite,encourage;proceedwith,takeinhand,try

QUACKSALVER,quack

QUAINT,elegant,elaborated,ingenious,

clever

QUAR,quarry

QUARRIED,seized,orfedupon,aspreyQUEAN,hussy,jadeQUEASY,hazardous,delicate;.L,kill,destroysr,request:inquirySTION,(!•rreofarms

STMAS,oneappointedtomakeofficialinquiry

QUIB,QriBLiv,quibble,quipijuiCK,thehvm^

BenJonson'sPlays

QUIDDIT,quiddity,legalsubtlety

QUIRK,cleverturnortrick

QUIT,requite,repay;acquit,absolve;rid;

forsake,leave

QUITTER-BONE,diseaseofhorsesQUODLING,codlingQUOIT,throwlikeaquoit,chuckQUOTE,takenote,observe,writedown

RACK,neckofmuttonorpork(Halliwell)

RAKEUP,coverover

RAMP,rear,asalion,etc.

RAPT,carryaway

RAPT,enraptured

RASCAL,youngorinferiordeer

RASH,strikewithaglancingobliqueblow,asaboarwithitstusk

RATSEY,GOMALIEL,afamoushighwayman

RAVEN,devour

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REACH,understand

REAL,regal

REBATU,ruff,turned-downcollar

RECTOR,RECTRESS,director,governor

REDARGUE,confute

REDUCE,bringback

REED,rede,counsel,advice

REEL,runriot

REFEL,refute

REFORMADOES,disgracedordisbandedsoldiers

REGIMENT,government

REGRESSION,return

REGULAR("TaleofaTub"),regularnoun(quibble)(N.E.D.)

RELIGION,"make—of,"makeapointof,scrupleof

RELISH,savour

REMNANT,scrapofquotation

REMORA,speciesoffish

RENDER,depict,exhibit,show

REPAIR,reinstate

REPETITION,recital,narration

REREMOUSE,bat

RESIANT,resident

RESIDENCE,sediment

RESOLUTION,judgment,decision

RESOLVE,inform;assure;prepare,makeupone'smind;dissolve;cometoadecision,beconvinced;relax,setatease

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RESPECTIVE,worthyofrespect;regardful,discriminative

RESPECTIVELY,withreverence

RESPECTLESS,regardless

RESPIRE,exhale;inhale

RESPONSIBLE,correspondent

REST,musket-rest

REST,"setupone's—,"ventureone'sall,one'slaststake(fromgameofprimero)

REST,arrest

RESTIVE,RESTY,dull,inactive

RETCHLESS(KESS),reckless(ness)

RETIRE,causetoretire

RETRICATO,fencingterm

RETRIEVE,rediscoveryofgameoncesprung

RETURNS,venturessentabroad,forthesafereturnofwhichsomuchmoneyisreceived

REVERBERATE,dissolveorblendbyreflectedheat

REVERSE,REVERSO,back-handedthrust,

etc.,infencing

REVISE,reconsiderasentenceRHEUM,spleen,capriceRIBIBE,abusivetermforanoldwomanRID,destroy,doawaywithRIFLING,raffling,dicingRING,"crackedwithinthe—,"coinsso

crackedwereunfitforcurrencyRISSE,risen,roseRIVELLED,wrinkledROARER,swaggererROCHET,fishofthegurnetkindROCK,distaff

RODOMONTADO,braggadocioROGUE,vagrant,vagabondRONDEL,"aroundmarkinthescoreofa

public-house"(Nares);roundelROOK,sharper;fool,dupeROSAKER,similartoratsbaneROSA-SOLIS,aspicedspirituousliquorROSES,rosettesROUND,"gentlemenofthe—,"officersof

inferiorrankROUNDTRUNKS,trunkhose,shortloose

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breechesreachingalmostorquitetothe

knees

ROUSE,carouse,bumperROVER,arrowusedforshootingatarandom

markatuncertaindistanceROWLY-POWLY,roly-polyRUDE,RUDENESS,unpolished,rough(ness),

coarse(ness)

RUFFLE,flaunt,swaggerRUG,coarsefriezeRUG-GOWNS,gownmadeofrugRUSH,referencetorusheswithwhichthe

floorswerethenstrewnRUSHER,onewhostrewedthefloorwith

rushesRLSSET,homespunclothofneutralor

reddish-browncolour

SACK,loose,flowinggown

SADLY,seriously,withgravity

SAD(NESS),sober,serious(ness)

SAFFI,bailiffs

jST.THOMASAWATERINGS,placeinSurreywherecriminalswereexecuted

SAKER,smallpieceofordnance

SALT,leap

SALT,lascivious

SAMPSUCHINE,sweetmarjoram

SARABAND,aslowdance

SATURNALS,beganDecember17

SAUCINESS,presumption,insolence

SAUCY,bold,impudent,wanton

SAUNA(Lat.),agestureofcontempt

SAVOUR,perceive;gratify,please;topartakeofthenature

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SAY,sample

SAY,assay,try

SCALD,wordofcontempt,implyingdirtanddisease

SCALLION,shalot,smallonion

SCAXDERBAG,"namewhichtheTurks(inallusiontoAlexandertheGreat)gavetothebraveCastriot,chiefofAlbania,withwhomtheyhadcontinualwars.His

Glossary

639

romanticlifehadjustbeentranslated"(Gifford)

SCAPE,escape

SCARAB,beetle

SCARTOCCIO,foldofpaper,cover,cartouch,cartridge

SCONCE,head

SCOPE,aim

SCOTANDLOT,tax,contribution(formerlyaparishassessment)

SCOTOMY,dizzinessinthehead

SCOUR,purge

SCOURSE,deal,swap

SCRATCHES,diseaseofhorses

SCROYLE,mean,rascallyfellow

SCRUPLE,doubt

SEAL,puthandtothegivingupofpropertyorrights

SEALED,stampedasgenuine

SEAM-RENT,ragged

SEAMINGLACES,insertionoredging

SEARUP,closebysearing,burning

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SEARCED,sifted

SECRETARY,abletokeepasecret

SECULAR,worldly,ordinary,commonplace

SECURE,confident

SEELIE,happy,blest

SEISIN,legalterm:possession

SELLARY,lewdperson

SEMBLABLY,similarly

SEMINARY,aRomishpriesteducatedinaforeignseminary

SENSELESS,insensible,withoutsenseorfeeling

SENSIBLY,perceptibly

SENSIVE,sensitive

SENSUAL,pertainingtothephysicalormaterial

SERENE,harmfuldewofevening

SERICON,redtincture

SERVANT,lover

SERVICES,doughtydeedsofarms

SESTERCE,Romancoppercoin

SET,stake,wager

SETUP,drill

SETS,deepplaitsoftheruff

SEWER,officerwhoservedupthefeast,andbroughtwaterforthehandsoftheguests

SHAPE,asuitbywayofdisguise

SHIFT,fraud,dodge

SHIFTER,cheat

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SHITTLE,shuttle;"shittle-cock,"shuttlecock

SHOT,tavernreckoning;

SHOT-CLOG,oneonlytoleratedbecausehepaidtheshot(reckoning)fortherest

SHOT-FREE,scot-free,nothavingtopay

SHOVE-GROAT,lowkindofgamblingamusement,perhapssomewhatofthenatureofpitchandt

SHOT-SHARKS,drawers

.SHREWD,mischievous,malicious,curstr.wDLY,keenly,inahighdegree

SHRIVE,sheriff;postsweresetupbeforehisdoorforproclamations,ortoindicatehisresidence

SHROVING,Shrovetide,seasonofmerriment

SIGILLA,seal,mark

SILENCEDBRETHREN,MINISTERS,thoseoftheChurchorNonconformistswhohadbeensilenced,deprived,etc.

SILLY,simple,harmless

SIMPLE,silly,witless;plain,true

SIMPLES,herbs

SINGLE,termofchase,signifyingwhenthehuntedstagisseparatedfromtheherd,orforcedtobreakcovert

SINGLE,weak,silly

SINGLE-MONEY,smallchange

SINGULAR,unique,supreme

SI-QUIS,bill,advertisement

SKELDRING,gettingmoneyunderfalsepretences;swindling

SKILL,"it—snot,"mattersnot

SKINK(ER),pour,draw(er),tapster

SKIRT,tail

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SLEEK,smooth

SLICE,fireshovelorpan(dial.)

SLICK,sleek,smooth

'SLID,'SLIGHT,'SPRECIOUS,irreverentoaths

SLIGHT,sleight,cunning,cleverness;tnck

SLIP,counterfeitcoin,bastard

SLIPPERY,polishedandshining

SLOPS,largeloosebreeches

SLOT,printofastag'sfoot

SLUR,putasluron;cheat(byslidingadieinsomeway)

SMELT,gull,simpleton

SNORLE,"perhapssnarl,asPuppyisaddressed"(Cunningham)

SNOTTERIE,filth

SNUFF,anger,resentment;"takein—,"takeoffenceat

SNUFFERS,smallopensilverdishesforholdingsnuff,orreceptacleforplacingsnuffersin(Halliwell)

SOCK,shoewornbycomicactors

SOD,seethe

SOGGY,soaked,sodden

SOIL,"take—,"saidofahuntedstagwhenhetakestothewaterforsafety

SOL,sou

SOLDADOES,soldiers

SOLICIT,rouse,excitetoaction

SOOTH,flattery,cajolery

SOOTHE,flatter,humour

SOPHISTICATE,adulterate

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SORT,company,party;rank,degree

SORT,suit,fit;select

SOUSE,ear

SOUSED("DevilisanAss"),fol.read"sou't,"whichDyceinterpretsas"avarietyofthespellingofshu'd:tos/iuistoscareabirdaway."(SeehisWetsttr,P-350)

SOWTER,cobbler

SPAGYRICA,chemistryaccordingtotheteachingsofParacelsus

SPAR,bar

SPEAK,makeknown,proclaim

SPECULATION,powerofsi

SPED,tohavefaredwell,prospered

SIT.ECE,species

SPIGHT,anger,rancour

SrixxER,spider

SPINSTRY,lewdperson

SPITTLE,hospital,lazar-bouse

Benjonson'sPlays

SPLEEN,consideredtheseatoftheemotions

SPLEEN,caprice,humour,mood

SPRUNT,spruce

SPURGE,foam

SPUR-RYAL,goldcoinworth155.

SO.UIRE,square,measure;"bythe—,"

exactly

STAGGERING,wavering,hesitatingSTAIN,disparagement,disgraceSTALE,decoy,orcover,stalking-horseSTALE,makecheap,commonSTALK,approachstealthilyorundercoverSTALL,forestallSTANDARD,suitSTAPLE,market,emporiumSTARK,downright

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STARTING-HOLES,loopholesofescape:?:/-.IE,dignity;canopiedchairofstate;

estateSTATUMINATE,supportvinesbypolesor

stakes;usedbyPliny(Giflord)STAY,gag

STAY,await;detainSTICKLER,secondorumpireSTIGMATISE,mark,brandSTILL,continual(ly),constant(ly)STINKARD,stinkingfellowSTINT,stopSTIPTIC,astringentSTOCCATA,thrustinfencingSTOCK-FISH,saltedanddriedfishSTOMACH,pride,valourSTOMACH,resentSTOOP,swoopdownasahawkSTOP,fiB,stuffSTOPPLE.stopperSTOTE,stoat,weaselSTOUP,stoop,swooc>r=bowSTRAIGHT,straightwaySTRAMAZOUN(ItaLsiramazzone),adown

blow,asopposedtothethrustSTRANGE,likeastranger,unfamiliarSTRANGENESS,distanceofbebaviourSTREIGHTS,ORBERMUDAS,labyrinthof

alleysandcourtshitheStrandSTRIGONIUM,GrauinHungary,takenfrom

theTurksin1557STRIKE,balance(accounts)

.-GHALT,diseaseofhorsesSTROKER,smoother,flattererSTROOK,p.p.of"strike"

V.VEL-PATCHED,strummelisglossed

indialectdiets,as"along,looseand

.evelledheadofhair"STUDIES,studiouseffortsSTYLE,title;pointedinstrumentusedfor

writingonwaxtabletsSUBTLE,fine,delicate,thin:smooth,softSUBTLETY(SUBTILITY),subtledeviceSUBURB,connectedwithlooselivingSUCCUB^,demonsinformofwomenSUCK,extractmoneyfromSUFFERANCE.s_::rrmgSYMMED,termoffalconry:withfull-grown

plumageSUPER-NEGULUM,topersturnedthecup

bottomupwhenitwasemptySuF:-s::r:rs:v=_r-scrupulousSUPPLE,tomakepliant

SURBATE,makesorewithwalkingSURCEASE,cease

SUR-REVERENCE,saveyourreverenceSURVISE,peruseSUSCITABILITY,excitability>\SPECT,suspicionSUSPEND,suspect

jSUSPENDED,heldoverforthepresentSUTLER,victuallerSV.-AD,down,boorS'.VATHBANDS,swaddlingclothesSWINGE,beat

TABERD,emblazonedmantleortunicworn

byknightsandheraiJsTABLE(si,"pairof—,"tablets,note-bookTABOR,smalldrumTABRET,taborTAFFETA,silk;"tuft-taffeta,"amorecostly

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silkenfabricTAINT,"—astaff,"breakalanceattilting

inanunscientificordishonourable

mariner

TAKEIN,capture,subdueTAKEMEWITHYOU,letmeunderstand

you

TAKEUP,obtainoncredit,borrowTALENT,sumorweightofGreekcurrencyTALL,stout,braveTANKARD-BEARERS,menemployedtofetch

waterfromtheconduitsTARLETON,celebratedcomedianandjesterTARTAROUS.likeaTartarTAVERN-TOKEN,"toswallowa—,"get

drunk

TELL,count

TELL-TROTH,truth-tellerTEMPER,modify,softenTENDER,show'regard,careforcherish;

manifest

TENT,"take—,"takeheedTEPSE,sweptandpolishedTERTIA,"thatportionofanarmylevied

outofoneparticulardistrictordivision

ofacountry"(Giflord)TLSTON,tester,coinworth6d.THIRDBOROUGH,constableTHREAD,qualityTHREAVES,drovesTHREE-FARTHINGS,pieceofsilvercurrent

underElizabeth

THREE-PILED,offinestquality,exaggerated

.THRIFTILY,carefullyTHRUMS,endsoftheweaver'swarp;coarse

yarnmadefromTHUMB-RING,familiarspiritsweresupposed

capableofbeingcarriedaboutinvarious

ornamentsorpartsofdressTIBICINE,playeronthetibia,orpipe!TICK-TACK,gamesimilartobackgammonTIGHTLY,promptly

TIM,(?)expressiveofaclimaxofnonentityTIMELESS,untimely,unseasonableTINCTURE,anessentialorspiritualprinciple

--posedbyalchemiststobetransfusible

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intomaterialthings;animpartedcharacteristicortendencyTINK,tinkle

Glossary

641

TIPPET,"turn—,"changebehaviouror

wayoflife

TnSTAFF,stafftippedwithmetalTIRE,head-dress

TIRE,feedravenously,likeabirdofpreyTITILLATION,thatwhichticklesthesenses,

asaperfumeTOD,fox

TOILED,wornout,harassedTOKEN,pieceofbasemetalu~edinplnceof

verysmallcoin,whenthiswasscarceTONNELS,nostrilsTOP,"parish—,"largetopkeptinvillages

foramusementandexerciseinfrosty

weatherwhenpeoplewereoutofworkTOTER,tooter,playeronawindinstrumentTOUSE,pull,rendTOWAKD,docile,apt;onthewayto;as

regards;present,athandTOY,whim;trick;termofcontemptTRACT,attractionTRAIN,allure,enticeTRANSITORY,transmittableTRANSLATE,transformTRAY-TRIP,gameatdice(successdepended

onthrowingathree)(Xares)TREACHOUR(TRECHER),traitorTREEN,woodenTRENCHER,serving-manwhocarvedor

servedfood

TRENDLE-TAIL,trundle-tail,curly-tailedTRICK(TRICKING),termofheraldry:to

drawoutlineofcoatofarms,etc.,withoutblazoning

TRIG,aspruce,dandifiedmanTRILL,trickleTRILLIBUB,tripe,anyworthless,trifling

thing

TRIPOLY,"comefrom—,"abletoperformfeatsofagility,a"jestnominal,"

dependingonthefirstpartoftheword

(Gilford)

TRITE,worn,shabbyTRIVIA,three-facedgoddess(Hecate)TROJAN,familiartermforan

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equalor

inferior;thiefTROLL,singloudlyTROMP,trump,deceiveTROPE,figureofspeechTROW,think,believe,wonderTROWLE,troll

TROWSES,breeches,drawersTRUCKMAN,interpreterTRUNDLE,JOHN,well-knownprinterTRUNDLE,roll,gorollingalongTRUNDLINGCHEATS,termamonggipsies

andbegearsforcartsorcoaches(Gilford)TRUNK,speaking-tubeTRUSS,tiethetaggedlacesthatfastened

thebreechestothedoubletTUBICINE,trumpeterTUCKET(Ital.toccato),introductoryflourish

onthetrumpetTriTioN,guardianshipItMBLER,aparticularkindofdogsocalled

fromthemodeofhishuntingTT-MHREL-SLOP,loose,ba_hes

.,excrement11SK,gnashtheteeth(Cen:ur\

T%VIRE,peep,twinkleTWOPENNYROOM,galleryTYRING-HOUSE,attiringroom

UI.ENSPIEGEL.SreHowleglassUMBRATILE,likeorpertainingtoashadowUMBRE,browndyeUNBATED,unabatedUNBORED,(?)excessivelyboredUNCARNATE,notfleshly,oroffi.shUNCOUTH,strange,unusualUNDERTAKER,"onewhoundertookbybis

influenceintheHouseofCommonsto

carrythingsagreeablytobisMajesty's

wishes"(\Vhalley);onewhobecomes

suretyforUNEQUAL,unjust

USEXCEPTED,noobjectiontakenatUNFEAREL-,unaflrightedUNHAPPILY,unfortunatelyUNICORN'SHORN,supposedantidoteto

poison

UNKIND(LY),unnaturalHy)UNMANNED,untamed(terminfalconry)UNQUIT,undischargedUNREADY,undressedUNRUDE,rudetoanextremeUNSEASONED,unseasonable,unripeUNSEELED,ahawk'seyeswere"seeled"

bysewingtheeyelidstogetherwithfine

thread

UNTIMELY,unseasonablyUNVALUABLE,invaluableUPBRAID,makeamatterofreproachUPSEE,heavykindofDutchbeerIHalli

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well);"—Dutch,"intheDutchfashionUPTAILSALL,refrainofapopularsongURGE,allegeasaccomplice,instigatorURSHIN,URCHIN,hedgehog!s..interestonmoney;partofsermon

dealingwiththepracticalapplicationof

doctrineUSE,beinthehabitof,accustomedto;

putouttointerestUSQUEBAUGH,whiskyUSURE,usuryUTTER,putincirculation,maketopass

current;putforthforsale

VAIL,bow,dohomage

VAILS,tips,gratuities

VALL.SeeVail

VALLIES(Fr.valise),portmanteau,bag

VAPOUR(S)(n.andv.),usedaffectedly,like

"humour,"inmanysenses,oftenvery

vaguely,andfreelyridiculedbyJonson;

humour,disposition,whims,bragging),

hector(ing),etc.

VARLET,bailiff,orserjeant-at-maceVAUT,vaultVEER(naut.),payoutVEGETAL,vegetable;personfulloflifeand

vigour

Vii.Luih,velvet

\iiVETCUSTARD.Cf."Tamingofthe•••w,"iv.3,82,"cu-tardcoffin,"

coffinbeingtheraisedCHIM<>v.jrapieYhsT.\«id,sell;giveoutletto;scent

si.ullup

BenJensen'sPlays

VENUE,bout(fencingterm)

VERDUGO(Span.),hangman,executioner

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VERGE,"inthe—,"withinacertaindistanceofthecourt

VEX,agitate,torment

VICE,thebuffoonofoldmoralities;somekindofmachineryformovingapuppet(Gifford)

VIEANDREVIE,tohazardacertainsum,andtocoveritwithalargerone

VINCENTAGAINSTYORK,twoheralds-at-arms

VINDICATE,avenge

VIRGE,wand,rod

VIRGINAL,oldformofpiano

VIRTUE,valour

VIVELY,inlifelikemanner,livelily

VIZARD,mask

VOGUE,rumour,gossip

VOICE,vote

VOID,leave,quit

VOLARY,cage,aviary

VOLLEY,"at—,""o'thevoice,"atrandom(fromatermoftennis)

VORLOFFE,furlough

WADLOE,keeperoftheDevilTavern,where

JonsonandhisfriendsmetintheApollo

room(Whalley)WAIGHTS,waits,nightmusicians,"band

ofmusicalwatchmen"(Webster),orold

formof"hautboys"

WANNION,"vengeance,""plague"(Nares)WARD,afamouspirateWARD,guardinfencingWATCHET,pale,skyblueWEAL,welfareWEED,garmentWEFT,waifWEIGHTS,"tothegold—,"toevery

minuteparticularWELKIN,skyWELL-SPOKEN,offairspeech

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WELL-TORNED,turnedandpolished,asona

wheel

WELT,hem,borderoffurWHER,whetherWHETSTONE,GEORGE,anauthorwholived

1544(?)to1587(?)WHIFF,asmoke,ordrink;"takingthe

—,"inhalingthetobaccosmokeorsome

suchaccomplishmentWHIGH-HIES,neighings,whinnyingsWHIMSY,whim,"humour"WHINILING,(?)whining,weaklyWHIT,(?)amerejotWHITEMEAT,foodmadeofmilkoreggsWICKED,bad,clumsyWICKER,pliant,agileWILDING,esp.fruitofwildappleorcrab

tree(Webster)WINE,"Ihavethe—foryou,"Prov.:I

havetheperquisites(oftheoffice)which

youaretoshare(Cunningham)WINNY,"sameasoldwordwonnc,tostay,

etc."(Whalley)WISE-WOMAN,fortune-tellerWISH,recommend

Wiss(WUSSE),"I—,"certainly,ofatruthWITHOUT,beyondWITTY,cunning,ingenious,cleverWOOD,collection,lotWOODCOCK,termofcontemptWOOLSACK("—pies"),nameoftavernWORT,unfermentedbeerWOUNDY,great,extremeWREAK,revengeWROUGHT,wroughtuponWUSSE,interjection.(SeeWiss)

YEANLING,lamb,kid

ZANY,aninferiorclown,whoattendeduponthechieffoolandmimickedhistricks

DramainEveryman'sLibrary

FRANCISBEAUMONT(1584-1616)

ANDJOHNFLETCHER(1579-1625)

SELECTPLAYS

Sixplayswithglossary.No.506

EVERYMAN,ANDMEDIEVALMIRACLEPLAYS

Newedition,editedbyA.C.Cawley

Thisvolumecontains,apartfromthemoralityEveryman,biblicaldramas,mostofthemCorpusChristipageantsorguildpageantsactedbytradeguildsasepisodesofthewholeCorpusChristicycle;theyhavebeenchosenfortheirintrinsicmeritfromthecyclesofYork,Chester,VVakefield,Coventryand'N.town',withtheadditionofanewlytranslatedexample

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oftheCornishplays.No.381

JOHANNWOLFGANGVONGOETHE(1749-1832)

FAUST.BothpartsofthetragedywhicharethecoreofGoethe'slife-work,inthere-editedtranslationofTheodoreMartin.No.335

WEBSTER(1580-1625)ANDFORD(1586-1639)

Webster'sTheWhiteDevilandTheDuchessofMalfi,withFord'sTheBrokenHeartand'TisPityShe'saWhore.No.899

WILLIAMSHAKESPEARE(1564-1616)

COMEDIES;HISTORICALPLAYS,POEMSANDSONNETS;TRAGEDIES.3vols.NoS.

RESTORATIONPLAYS

PlaysbyDryden,\Vycherley,Congreve,Otwny,Farquhar,YanbrughandEtherege.No.604

OLIVERGOLDSMITH(1728-74)POEMSANDPLAYS.No.415

RI(HARDBRINSLEYSHERIDAN(1751-1816)COMPLETEPLAYS.No.'r,

PRINTEDINGREATBRITAINATTHEALDINEPRESS•LETCHWORTH•HERTS

©J973,Jacketdesign:J.M.Dent&SonsLtdo46000489i8/73

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Further Education and Training Certificate: Wealth ... · Relevant resources to be made available to assist learner with completion of assignments e.g Internet, library, subject matter

Further Education and Training Certificate: Wealth ... · Relevant resources to be made available to assist learner with completion of assignments e.g Internet, library, subject matter

Internet Marketing Made Simple

Internet Marketing Made Simple

Why hasn't the Internet made democracy awesome?

Why hasn't the Internet made democracy awesome?

ir15 Internet is made with cats

ir15 Internet is made with cats

Dave Parkes has kindly made his slides available

Dave Parkes has kindly made his slides available

TH ST CONGRESS SESSION H. R. 3261...12 (16) INTERNET SEARCH ENGINE.—The term 13 ‘‘Internet search engine’’ means a service made 14 available via the Internet that searches,

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Internet Based SCADA · data. This dissertation describes the design of an Internet based SCADA system that allows real-time factory data to be made available to the necessary personnel,

Internet Based SCADA · data. This dissertation describes the design of an Internet based SCADA system that allows real-time factory data to be made available to the necessary personnel,

Internet Made Available

Internet Made Available

This PDF document was made available RAND-INITIATED …

This PDF document was made available RAND-INITIATED …

Cybersecurity has never been · Use the Internet wisely The Internet has made a world of information and networking options available at our fingertips. But it has also given scam

Cybersecurity has never been · Use the Internet wisely The Internet has made a world of information and networking options available at our fingertips. But it has also given scam

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•Senior Systems Engineer at Exadel •JSF/RichFaces ... · Developing Rich Internet Applications with JBoss RichFaces and Eclipse | © 2008 by Max Katz; made available under the

•Senior Systems Engineer at Exadel •JSF/RichFaces ... · Developing Rich Internet Applications with JBoss RichFaces and Eclipse | © 2008 by Max Katz; made available under the

Terms & Conditions - Maybank2u.com€¦ · maybank2u online banking services, whether via internet, mobile and/or any other electronic medium as may be made available by malayan banking

Terms & Conditions - Maybank2u.com€¦ · maybank2u online banking services, whether via internet, mobile and/or any other electronic medium as may be made available by malayan banking

Broadband internet services available in 2011

Broadband internet services available in 2011

Internet Searching Made Easy

Internet Searching Made Easy

INTERNET VERSION AVAILABLE You can submit this application over the Internet … · 2017-10-04 · INTERNET VERSION AVAILABLE You can submit this application over the Internet at

INTERNET VERSION AVAILABLE You can submit this application over the Internet … · 2017-10-04 · INTERNET VERSION AVAILABLE You can submit this application over the Internet at

laporteco.in.gov...databases called "LAREDO' provided Recorder through an agreement with Fidlar Technologies. Customer wishes to use the internet gateway made available by Recorder

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version will be made available soon. - UMC

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Researching broadband Internet services available to sme’s in

Researching broadband Internet services available to sme’s in

Planning the Future of GeoCyberEducation · 2017-03-08 · Internet‐available geo‐information, and those tasked with stewarding that information have made limited progress in

Planning the Future of GeoCyberEducation · 2017-03-08 · Internet‐available geo‐information, and those tasked with stewarding that information have made limited progress in