Verum, Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum

Issue 74

Sir Chris Hoy loses gold medal to local Ice

Cream seller. Nick Wilton given medal after replay shows he crossed line first

Sir Chris Hoy was forced to return one of his Olympic gold medals this week after a video footage

showed him being beaten by in the track race by a local ice cream seller.

Nick Wilton, who rides a traditional Ice Cream bike around Whitstable, was spotted crossing the line

one millionth of a second before Hoy – and has been given the gold medal. Speculation is now rife

that he may receive a knighthood as well.

Nick, 33, told us, “Business was a bit slow around town

so I cycled up to the Olympic stadium to see if I could

sell a few ice creams there. I made a false pass with a

picture of Ronald McDonald on it, and I got waved

through”.

Nick’s troubles began, however, when he got lost in the

unfamiliar territory and ended up straying in to the

indoor cycle race arena. “It was quite a complex site”,

said the specsavers advert actor, “And before I knew it,

I was being pursued by lots of men on bikes, including

Chris Hoy. They all looked a bit scary so I put my foot down and was doing 99mph before I knew it”.

Witnesses claim that Wilton licked the other cyclists as the laps continued but disappeared amongst

the racers as they crossed the finishing line. “It was difficult to tell who won the race at this point”,

said local cycling fan Neil Armstrong. But, two weeks after the medal ceremony, a sharp eyed official

spotted Nick Wilton’s bike crossing the finishing line just ahead of Sir Hoy who was immediately

stripped of his sixth gold medal.

“I’m fucking gutted to be honest”, said Hoy, “But rules is rules and Nick beat me fair and square”.

Back in Whitstable, Wilton told The Wind Farm, “I wasn’t even racing! I was just lost and a bit scared

to be honest. I would have lost if someone tried to ‘Stop Me And Buy One”, he joked, “But they

didn’t”.

Alice Cooper is the new head waiter at

Wheelers Legendary rocker gets the job ‘I always wanted’

Diners at the world famous Oyster restaurant Wheelers got

something of a shock last week when their waiter came to

take their order – for it was none other than rock legend

Alice Cooper!

“I couldn’t believe my eyes”, said diner Dinah Finer, “I

thought our waiter looked familiar at first and I thought it was

Alice Cooper. It was when the boa constrictor slid out from

under his lapels that I realised it was him”.

Another eater, Rita Bita, said “He didn’t have his trademark

eye make-up on, and his hair was tied back in a ponytail. But there was no mistaking that it

was him. He’s a good waiter, despite the snake”.

Cooper applied for the position of waiter after eating at Wheelers in June, and the

management were delighted to take the 63 rocker on. “I love this restaurant”, said Cooper,

real name Vincent Furnier III, “And as I’m just too old to be touring I thought I’d go into a kind

of semi-retirement as a waiter. I was a waiter back in Indiana when I was a teenager and I

loved it. It’s the job I always really wanted”.

“He does a good job”, said chef James Daniels, “He even advised a diner to try a bottle of

Louis Latour Meursault, which is perfect with fish”.

Trade has increased in the 12 seater restaurant since Cooper began work there – but fans

expecting a performance by the man who once at Frank Zappa’s guinea pig after he refused

to make him a sandwich, are in for a bit of a disappointment. “My crazy days are over”, he

insisted, “I won’t be performing or Poison or Bed Of Nails when I’m working. I’m more

interested in serving Poisson on a bed of wilted spinach leaves!”.

....’ere. You’ll never guess what I heard in

the pub the other night? Weatherspoons,

right? The Peter Cushing pub, yeah? Only

gone and applied for a special smoking

license. Yeah – but get this – they’re paying

someone to go outside and smoke your fags

for you! Yeah, I didn’t believe it either at first.

Trouble is, people go outside to smoke their

fags, right? Means no-ones at the bar

drinking. Well, I say ‘At the bar’, you’re not

allowed to stand at the bar in Weatherspoons, get barred for it. Straight up, stand at a Weatherspoons

bar for more than a minute and they chuck you out. S’true. Anyway, they’ve hired a professional

smoker to stand outside and smoke your fags. Some magician from London they reckon. Can smoke

40 fags at a time. No, America – skinny bloke. Tom Mullica, that’s him. Worked dried up since they

banned smoking indoors, see? He used to do smoking tricks but can’t get work now, poor sod.

Anyway, his job will be to stand outside and smoke everyone’s fags for them. You know who

complained about the smokers, don’t ya? That wierd couple that dobbed Tizi Deco in for that murial

she had painted on her bar. Fuckers. They reckon they also complained about their neighbours cat for

meowing too loud and told that bloke at the bookshop to stop diaplaying copies of Lady Chatterly’s

Lover in his window.....anyway, the other thing I heard is that they’re going to employ spider monkeys

to collect your glasses. Glasses that you drink from, that is, not eye glasses. Know why?

Weatherspoons don’t serve people that wear glasses.....yeah. Next time you’re in, check out the

drinkers – none of them will have glasses on. Why? Management reckon it takes them too long to

order from the menu. Quick turnover see? In, Bosh, Out. That’s why the build old peoples homes next

to main roads, innit? That’s what I heard........

And then there’s this........

A Haiku for Sweary....

Lord of the skies,

Can fill your pocket with shit

Through an open car window.

And if you're still counting

syllables

You're a bigger cunt than he is.

By Christine Brom....

A competition is being run to choose a new

bridge design for the proposed beer garden at

Withered Spines 'Bertie Cushion' in

Whitstable. As part of their ever vigilant

customer service Wilted Spoans are to expand

the beer garden at the rear of the premises to

enable those needy members of our

community to smoke. And smoke in luxury at

that, with a wide selection of fireproof

loungers and poolside tables the clientele will

be able to relax 24 hours a day in the 400 seat

arena that once formed the much under used

car park.

The bridge will form a classical entrance to the

architect designed formal Beer Garden,

enabling a cinematic transition for each and

every customer heading for their dose of

nicotine. Carefully crafted to avoid any

incursion upon the historical pathway linking

the Council Car Park and the real world, the

new bridge will be themed traditionally on

'Smoke and Mirrors', blending with the body

of the pub. A passing point will be included at

the apex so pedestrians may pause a while to

drink in the visionary panorama afforded by

the elevated position. Designs offering

elements of recycling will be favoured by the

judges in the competition. Top prize will be a

lifetime membership of the Wasted Spons Dry

Drunk and Druggie Rehab and Garden Centre

at Uckfield, taxi provided twice a year.

Runners up prizes are monthly crates of

'Greasy Lally Bolter' and two weeks job

appraisal at the world famous 'Whingeing

Spires' in Cleckheaton (single rail ticket

provided).

A fine conservation quality 18 feet high brick

wall will surround the 'Fuming Zone' which

will be fitted with gilt encrusted soda

fountains and salted peanut dispensers for

the younger smokers. Topped off with

specially developed smoke and noise reducing

'Jumbobrellies' in gleaming Paynes Gray,

disturbance to neighbours could be reduced

to a staggering 97.2% of background sound.

Staff members will receive further excellent

training to offer distressed customers help

with holding smoking materials, lighters,

matches and other incendiary devices. Any

accidental burns to customers will be

immediately treated by a newly recruited

'Burns Monitor', a holder of the extra

qualification as 'Door Supervisor and First

Aider Second Class' who will carry on his

person sticky plasters, petroleum jelly and a

supply of lollipops.

Special licensing terms have been agreed

between the company and a representative of

the Grand National Union of Town Councils

based in the Outer Hebrides. Our local Council

have nodded acceptance to this by failing to

tick the negative option box provided.

A brand new range of commemorative beer

mats and ash trays have been designed to add

to the charm of this select development in the

tranquil heart of old Whitstable. The first

23,000 customers entering the 'Golden

Ashpan' will each receive a signature 'Timmy

Marto' match book and sick bag containing

coloured pencil sets and sketch books for the

children.

By Richard De Daubbier

Bridge over

troubled

drinkers......

ADVERT

Teynham man found tarred and feathered

Sweary Seagull wanted for questioning.

A Teynham man was found lying in a skip last Saturday, having been tarred and feathered in what Police are

describing as a ‘nasty attack’.

Jon Taylor was also found with 8 pineapples shoved up his arse, with the

leafy top bit going in first. He also had several beak marks on his body

and Police are now keen to interview Sweary Seagull about the incident.

“This is a serious assault, and bares all the trademarks of a Seagull

attack. There were feathers everywhere”.

Police believe that Taylor, 33, was attacked after some remarks he

made about Beth Tweddle in last week’s ‘Ask Sweary’ column. “He also

used the ‘C word’ when describing Doris Day in a facebook post. He was

clearly trying to provoke Sweary, but it doesn’t justify the viciousness of

the attack. He’ll never sit down unaided again”

Mr Taylor was still too ill to talk to the police yesterday, and a nonchalant Sweary Seagull told The Wind Farm,

“Here we go again. I get the fucking blame every time someone gets attacked by a Seagull. There are other

Gulls out there who like Doris Day and Beth Tweddle, you know”.

*

The Wind Farm Easter Annual 2012

“Genius”

“Surreal, Irreverent and very, very funny”

“Best toilet book ever”

“I laughed so hard, I sneezed up a kidney!”

To buy YOUR copy safely on line, go to

www.thewindfarmsuperstore.bigcartel.com

FULL INTINERARY OF WIND FARM GUERILLA ART

ATTACKS FOR BIENNALLE PLANNED.

The Whitstable Biennale, which takes place during the first 3 weekends of September, is bracing itself for

a whirlwind of guerrilla set pieces from the local art community which will show how brilliant it is to live in

Whitstable. Aware that everyone in Whitstable is an artist and that 50,000 people live here they can only

put their hands on their cheeks, shouting “we love art!” and let the deluge begins on the 1st September.

Of course some may mistake the real art for the gorilla art and they may be some necessary bleeding but

The Biennale Senior Executives who say “we really love art!” and the executive committee of The

Windfarm who say the “guerrilla brochure is ready for printing.” Both agree to remain surprised by

everything.

EXPECT!

Whitstable FM BBQ On The Beach

Beach Volleyball On The Beach

Mad Hatter Tea Party On The Beach

Celebrity Tennis On The Beach. Courts.

Which Child Under 10 Can Dig the Biggest Hole Competition

Let’s get 5000 Candles Lit on the beach in one spot

Tarot Card Readings On The Beach

Mass Sketching On The Beach

Mass Pissup On The Beach (oh, that’ll be happening anyway, regardless)

Flashmobs Galore On The Beach

The “It’s OK the write about art on our blogs without looking like a dick” Biennale Amnesty.

So take advantage and join in or do something yourself but let us take the credit.

Issue 74 is dedicated to Sash Bishop.....