The Trouble With Little Boys (10 Min)

8/7/2019 The Trouble With Little Boys (10 Min)

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The Trouble with Little Boys

By

Daniel Welser Carroll

A mother and grandfather debate the ethics of old-schoolcures for constipation.

Approx. run-time: 10 Min. [email protected]



1.

What is Wrong with Little Boys?

Janet, a mother in her late 30’sstands by the kitchen table,staring at a turkey baster. Herfather, Stan, sits scratching his

head.

JANETI...cannot do this.

Janet’s son Brian, a boy of aroundseven, calls from offstage.

BRIAN(Off)

Maaaaaa!

JANET

Stay in the bathroom, Brian!

STANIt’s an age old solution. Works every time.

JANETNope. No.

STANMy grandmother used to just ambush us with it - didn’t evenwarm the water first.

JANET

(Sighs, rubbing her temples)What is wrong with little boys.

STANAh, come on.

JANETHonestly.

STANThis stuff happens. It’s nothing to worry about, they’rekids. It’s weird...but it’s what kids do.

JANETThis stuff does not happen. It never happened to me! As faras I remember it’s not what kids do.

STANYeah, but you were a little girl.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 2.

JANETI don’t see how it could possibly be construed as normal-that poor child is, is- is ill now.

STANHe’s constipated.

JANETWhich is not healthy. It’s dangerous.

STANI’m telling you- it’s how little boys joke around, it’sbathroom humor. You’ve never heard of bathroom humor?

JANETNo. No, no, no. It is not humor when a little boy is justtrying to do his do’s and other little boys open the stalldoor in the school bathroom just to point and laugh, just tohumiliate. That- that is- that is primordial, it’s- it’s- Imean they called over other little boys just so more could

laugh at him!(Pacing)

No! It doesn’t just happen. I will not accept that it justhappens. My son is psychologically damaged.

Stan sighs and shrugs.

STANEhh.

JANETDad .

STANWell, that’s beside the point. The kid hasn’t gone in daysand he needs to go so...you need to get in there and takecare of it.

JANETI don’t understand why the laxatives aren’t working.

STANCuz it’s in his head, ya know? This way is...this way isirrefutable.

JANETBut I mean, that’s weird, right? That the laxatives won’twork. That’s strange. That has to be a sign, right? A signthat this is something really really serious?

STANWell...if the turkey baster doesn’t work, then we’ll go to adoctor but there’s no reason to get all riled up-

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 3.

JANETNo. No, there has to be another way.

STANThis is ridiculous! Just do it!

BRIAN

(Off)Maaaaaaa!

JANETStay in the bathroom! Keep trying!

BRIANBut I caaaaaaaaaaaaan’t!

JANETJust keep trying!!

(Sighing hard)Jesus christ, I can’t take this anxiety. No - we’re gonna

end up doing more psychological damage if we use this thing.

STANOh my god...

JANETWe will. Alright? I don’t know what that could do to him!He’s still in the- the- the whadayacallit the anal phaseright? Freud? Brian’s still in it? What if this turns himinto some sort of- of hoarder? What if he refuses to throwout a newspaper every day of his adult life because hismother stuck a turkey baster up his bum when he was seven.No - I am not emotionally equipped to deal with that kind ofa possibility.

STANI don’t even know what you’re talking about.

JANETWhat if it’s...what if it’s really like...oh god in heaven,what if he likes it.

STANWhat? Janet.

JANETI’m just saying! What if we mess him up sexually - it’s notthat far-fetched! Okay! People have to develop theirinclinations somewhere!

STANWhat are you talkin about! I told you, my grandmother usedto give it to me and my brothers all the time when we wereyoung! And I’m not a...sex pervert!

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 4.

JANETOh, but you are not a perfect man, Dad-

STANWhat?

JANETSoooooo many other things could possibily be blamed on yourgrandmothers predilection for rectally invasive homeremedies, and I am not about to bestow your personality uponmy seven year old.

STANSweetheart, you’re bein a freak. I don’t even know whereyour head is at right now, but you gotta calm down. Alright?

JANET(Pause)

I mean...there’s no way to do it that wouldn’t be wrong,

right? If he struggles, one of us is going to have to holdhim down. If he just let’s us do it, I’m going to wonder why and-

STANWait, what is wrong with my personality? I raised you kidsvery well.

JANETCome on.

STANWhat?

JANETYou- you’re an avoider.

STANA what?

JANETYou always have been. You don’t take things seriously. Youevade. You’re an avoider.

STANWhat does that- what?

JANETAnd that’s why I’m not buying this turkey baster idea,alright? I’m afraid it’s you forcing a quick solution andevading the deeper ethical and psychological questions thatthis "remedy" inspires. That’s all I’m saying.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 5.

STANYou’re overwrought, alright? I’m not evading anything!

JANETMaybe you’re right! Maybe it’s just gonna be a quick squirtsquirt and all our troubles are solved - but because of your

parental history of sidestepping deeper implications, I’mlead to distrust you and subsequently avoid acting on myanxieties for my child.

STAN(Pause)

And this...is because...I used to get turkey baster enema’swhen I was seven?

JANET(Pause)

We just need an outside opinion.

STANWe could give him a suppository, I think Aunt Betty left abottle of them in the downstairs medicine cabinet a fewyears ago. They should still be good.

JANETNo! No - see you’re ignoring the root of the issue!

STANWhat! It’s less, I dunno, aggressive than the turkey baster,alright? I’m trying to compromise with you-

JANET

The whole issue is the method! Alright! The orifice! I don’twant to be blamed for my sons issues.

STANGetting things put in your bum is all part of being a child,Jan!

JANETOh my GOD - do you hear yourself? You’re gonna get us onDateline, Dad!

STANDidn’t you ever take his temperature?

JANETNot down there!

STANWhy?

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 6.

JANETBecause there’s no need to take a rectal temperatureanymore, Dad! Alright!? That’s pure barbarism! It’s likebloodletting! This isn’t 1947 anymore, okay? A childs bottomis now off-limits to society!

BRIAN(Off)

Mom! I’m gonna go play on the computer!

JANETBrian Asher Middleton! You will do no such thing! For thesake of mommy’s conscience you will plop yourself on thattoilet and you will exert do you hear me?

BRIAN(Depressed)

Okay...

STANSee, that’s the kinda think that’s gonna freak a kid out-banking his mothers emotional stability on his ability to-

JANETDid you know he won’t wear button shirts?

STANWhat?

JANETButton down shirts. He won’t wear them. He’s never wornthem. He cries if I make him wear a button down shirt. He

can’t be in cub scouts because the uniforms have buttons-

STANSweetheart-

JANETI just, I feel like I’ve already done so much inadvertentdamage that I don’t-

STANListen, sweetheart-

JANETHe’s naked in there! Did you know that, Dad? Even beforethis stupid stupid issue because of those stupid little boysin the school bathroom, my son couldn’t bring himself to goNumber Two while still wearing a stitch of clothing. Hecan’t. Go. Clothed. Still can’t. I don’t know what that is.What is that?

(Pauses, trembles)I’m very scared for him.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 7.

Stan stares at his daughter for amoment.

STANYou know...this is all your mothers perfectionism. You’reyour mothers child.

JANETThis- what? This is not about perfectionism.

STANOh yeah it is. It’s all bleached linoleum and no foullanguage - and certainly no bathroom humor. Your mother wasa sterile woman. A lovely woman, but she never passed gas aday in her life you know?

JANETWhat...are you insinuating?

STANI’m insinuating that you’re out of your element and thatyou’re freaking out and you’re talkin nonsense because thewhole concept just screws with your head alright?

JANETYou are not equipped to psychoanalyze me, Dad-

STANWhat are you talking about?? That’s all you’ve done toeveryone in this whole mess this whole goddamn time!Psychoanalyze!? Now gimme that turkey baster - I’m gonna gogive that poor kid some relief.

Stan snatches up the turkey baster.

JANETStop! This is wrong. It’s wrong. I should do it. It shouldbe me.

STANAlright fine. Just do it.

Janet grasps the turkey baster.Then thrusts it back at Stan.

JANETNo, you do it.

STANAlright! Jesus. Can we just get this over with?

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 8.

Stan exits with the turkey baster.Janet paces sharply. She rushes tothe table and reaches underneathit. She pulls out what his clearlyan emergency stashed pack ofcigarettes.

STAN(Off stage, knocking at a door)

Hey tiger, it’s Grampa.

BRIAN(Off)

Can I come out now?

STANWe just gotta make sure you do your do’s alright bud?Now...can you put your clothes on?

Janet, shaking, attempts to light acigarette.

BRIANI’m wearing my clothes.

STANOh...your mother said you...you sometimes take your clothesoff when you’re tryin to-

BRIANI put them back on, I wanna play on the computer.

STANDon’t you gotta go to the bathroom bud?

BRIANYeah but I can’t right now and I wanna get out of thebathroom.

STANWell, you’re gonna get sick if you don’t go so your mom andI have something to help you-

Janet permanently fails at lightingthe cigarette.

JANETOkay- STOP! Dad! Stop! Come here, Dad.

Janet runs off.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 9.

STAN(Off)

For crying out loud!

Janet re-enters brandishing theturkey baster.

JANETI’m putting my foot down!

STANYou’re acting like a child .

Janet opens the lid of a garbagecan and drops the baster in.

JANETThere. Now it’s not an option.

STANWhat? You’re gonna waste a perfectly good turkey baster.

JANETThere’s NO WAY I was going to keep that.

STANWe didn’t use it!

JANETBut now it MEANS something.

STAN

Oh my god. My god in heaven. How did I beget such aneurotic.

JANETI don’t know, Dad. I don’t know . But I am not going to allowthe continued proliferation of this sort of outdated,disturbing, vulgar...stuff.

STANFine. Fine! Alright? He’s your son!

JANETThis is exactly what’s wrong with this country-

STANI can’t deal with you when you’re like this-

JANET- this world! Every generation has to suffer through theuncivilized customs of the previous generation-

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 10.

STANYou just over think and cerebralize-

JANETAnd it takes individual assertion to overcome thesebarbarisms-

STANOh come on-

JANETI’m not trying to fault you, I’m faulting the generationbefore you. You don’t know any better, but it is my responsibility to maintain progress - to give my son theskills-

BRIAN(Off)

Maaaa!

JANETOne minute, Brian! -to give him the skills to make his ownchoices, to independently develop his self .

STANI dunno, Jan.

BRIANMaaaaaaa!

JANETI said one minute, Brian! And then, and only then, will myson be equipped to abandon the neurotic tendencies bestowed

upon him by latter generations. Only then!

BRIANMOOOOOOOOOM!

JANETWhat, Brian! What!

BRIAN(Pause)

I pooped.

Janet sighs, relieved, she crossesher arms and leans against thetable. She looks at her father,proud, almost smug.

JANETGood for you, Brian! Good for you.

End of play

The Trouble With Little Boys (10 Min)

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