The Sentinella Malaga: March '09
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Transcript of The Sentinella Malaga: March '09
Wise words
were shared with me
recently, “I would rather be poor
and live in the sun than poor back in blighty!!
We can just drink our way through it..........”
Well, I'll drink to that!
Despite these hard times, life goes on and there's
always positives to take. Last month Alhaurin Auctions
raised 1,875€ at their Charity Auction – a superb effort,
well done guys! On a sporting side, Malaga F.C are
climbing high in La Primera in their first season back in
the top flight. If you haven't been to watch Malaga play
I would recommend it, it's a good venue and excellent
atmosphere. With teams like Real and Barcelona
visiting the city, it's an opportunity to see some top
names play some top football!
So, what's new this month, TC fotografia is offering a
photoshoot (& print) by simply answering one question.
See page 22 for details. If you are not familiar with her
work, Toni has travelled the world with her camera on
her shoulder and after 10 years of working freelance,
Toni has now settled in Andalucia working with young
and old alike. View her galleries: www.tcfotografia.com.
Country Farmers are launching their NEW market in
Alora from Thursday 19th March. See Advert page 29.
Jk's have a double whammy this month with a Neil
Diamond experience (Fri 13th March) and Costa Rock
night (Fri 27th March). Finally, The Rat Pack is back!
Every Tuesday from March 17th The Rat Pack will be
performing at the Hotel Sol Don Marco in Torremolinos.
Cover Photo: ‘Kite Surfers’ - Los Alamos, 2008
March ‘09Issue 24
What’s Inside
06 Enter the weird world of Strange News
08 Release cash lump sums with Lifetime Mortgages
10 We investigate to discover who really is Jack Schitt
12 They’re back! It’s the Rat Pack
14 Can’t get enough of them? Useless Facts
16 Moroccan stew (try it Louise), Food For Thought
18 Are you in the 2% or 98%, find out in Think Now!
20 Opening the pool for the season... Deep Blue Pools
24 Expats rally for local children... Latest News
28 Tips to keep them moths away, Rosies Patch
32 Is it your lucky month? Find out in your Horoscopes
34 Kids have it all to say in Eezy-peezy!
36 Back in La Primera and flying high, Malaga F.C.
40 Got a minute, you’ll need it! Puzzle Page
44 What are retired people getting up to these days? Jokes
47 Avoid commissions, Businesses For Sale
48 Services for the Costa del Sol, Business Directory
Lovers' Island discovered
on Google Earth
A tiny heart-shaped island in the Adriatic has
become a holiday hit for St Valentine's Day
after being discovered on Google Earth.
Even the island's owner didn't realise how
perfectly heart-shaped the island off the
Croatian coast was until he was swamped
with requests from lovers to stay there.
"It has been incredible. We think it is the most
perfect heart-shaped island in the world,"
said Vlado Juresko whose family owns the
130,000 square yard islet of Galesnjak,
hastily redubbed Lovers' Island.
"Nobody lives there so if lovers really do want
to spend time alone it's the perfect deserted
island.
"We always thought it looked a bit like a heart
but since it's been on Google Earth everyone
else has seen it too and the whole world
seems to want to stay here."
Pig burns down house
A pet pig saved its own bacon by jumping in
the bath after it burned its owner's house
down in Sweden. The Vietnamese pot
bellied porker had knocked over a table lamp
setting fire to curtains and was trapped in the
house in Lulea.
But as firefighters searched the property they
discovered the terrified, singed pig cowering
in the bath. Fireman Peter Frykman said:
"We initially thought it was arson as no-one
was home but then we found the scorched
but still alive pig and the broken lamp and
realised what had happened."
Lifetime Mortgages
Lifetime Mortgages are exactly that,
for life. You never make a repayment
and the debt is only cleared when the
property is sold or the last registered
owner has died!
The advantages are that a cash lump
sum can be released from the property
and used however the property owner
wishes, investment to produce additional
income, holiday, new car, reformation,
etc. etc.
Being a ‘non-status’ mortgage no
income paperwork is required and the
property acts as the security. The
mortgage can be secured on any type of
registered property, including rustic.
Sounds good…but:
‘Lifetime’ mortgages are only available
for property owners over the age of 65
and the funds released start at 20% of
the valuation. Fees, taxes and charges
are deducted from the advance.
The Lifetime Mortgage receives no
repayments and being a capital and
interest mortgage the debt increases
over time. The interest rate is currently
fixed at 7.25%.
This type of mortgage could reduce the
equity received by your beneficiaries but
will reduce the amount of inheritance tax
to pay as IHT is net of debt.
An independent lawyer is instructed, by
the lender, to speak to ALL applicants in
order that they understand the mortgage
terms BEFORE the lender will go ahead
with any borrowing. This confirms that
you understand the product, the
conditions, benefits and downfalls and
has not been miss sold.
For further information please contact
Atkinson Spanish Mortgages.
See Advert pg 14
WHO IS
JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have
wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when
someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy
efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who
married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep
N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack
Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply
religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip
Schitt.
Against her parents’ objections, Deep
Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout. After being married 15 years,
Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and because
her kids were living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name. She
was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda
Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named
Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood
and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The
wedding announcement in the
newspaper announced the Schitt-Hap-
pens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to
tour the world. He recently returned from
Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't
know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
PRESS RELEASE!THE RAT PACK IS BACK!
Ian Green’s immensely popular and
widely-acclaimed production of “The Rat
Pack” will be premiering at the Hotel Sol
Don Marco in Torremolinos on Tuesday
17th March, with performances every
Tuesday thereafter.
This exciting and extremely professional
show stars 3 very talented and
accomplished singers playing Frank
Sinatra (Martin Joseph), Dean Martin
(Dave Lee) & Sammy Davis Jr, (Thomas
Henry), 3 beautiful, elegant and
professional “Las Vegas” dancers (with
14 costume changes), backed by the
Marbella Big Band. The production
includes over 30 famous and well-loved
classic songs (including “My Way”, “New
York, New York”, “Mr Bojangles”,
“Volare”, “I Left My Heart In San
Francisco” etc.
The show perfectly captures not only the
wonderful music and comedy of the
original legends, but also the remarkable
personalities of the stars who truly ruled
the entertainment world.
The stylish show starts at 9.30pm (doors
open 8.45pm) and runs for 2½ hours
(including a 15-minute interval).
Tickets for “The Rat Pack” are only €25
each (with discounts offered for group
bookings) and can be reserved by
calling The Ticket Hotline on 952 574
052
Alternatively, bookings can be made by
credit card through the Tick Tack Ticket
Booking Hotline on 902 150 025, or
online at www.ticktackticket.com.
Months that
begin on a Sunday
will always have a "Friday
the 13th." As is the case this year
in February, March & November.
Any month that has a Friday the 13th also
has a Wednesday the 25th.
Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number
13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of
Friday the 13th.
It is documented that this fear of Friday the
13th costs millions of dollars a year in
business loss due absenteeism and
cancelled appointments.
In many hotels and skyscrapers, there is no
13th floor. Most airplanes have no seat 13.
In Italy, it is usual to leave out 13 in
numbering the lottery tickets.
The very first St. Patrick's Day parade was
not in Ireland. It was in Boston in 1737.
Many cities dye their local rivers green in
celebration of Saint Patrick's Day.
Bailey's Irish Cream which was launched in
Ireland in the early seventies is now the most
popular liqueur in the world.
According to the Guinness Book of World
Records, the highest number of leaves found
on a clover is 14!
One estimate suggests that there are about
10,000 regular three-leaf clovers for every
lucky four-leaf clover.
Legend says that each leaf of the clover
means something: the first is for hope, the
second for faith, the third for love and the
fourth for luck.
34 million Americans have Irish ancestry,
according to the 2003 US Census. That’s
almost nine times the population of Ireland,
which has 4.1 million people.
2 Onions
1 Garlic clove finely chopped
1 Red pepper
1 Celery stick
1 tsp Turmeric
1 tsp Cumin
1 tsp Coriander (ground)
Chilli Powder (to taste depending on how hot
you like it)
1 Aubergine
1 Courgette
2 medium size Potatoes
3 Carrots
300g jar of Chickpeas (Garbanzos)
400g tinned tomatoes
500 ml vegetable stock
Lightly fry garlic, onion celery and peppers in
a big casserole dish in a little oil. Once
softened add spices and stir through. Throw
all the vege’s in to the pot and add stock &
tinned toms. Give a good stir, bring to the
boil then cover with lid and simmer for about
an hour.
Serve hot with couscous and/or crusty bread.
Enjoy!
Ingredients:
Method:
For die hard
meat eaters, add
in some diced
lamb and you’re
sorted!
Moroccan Vegetable StewThis deliciously hearty stew is perfect when you have very little
time to get dinner together taking only 10 mins to prepare. Even if you are
not a vegetarian you’ll be sure to enjoy this one too!
Are you in the 2% or 98% of
the Population?
Just follow these instructions, and answer
the questions one at a time and as quickly
as you can!
Again, as quickly as you can but don't
advance until you've done each of them.
THINK of a number from 1 to 10
MULTIPLY that number by 9
If the number is a 2-digit number, ADD the
digits together
Now SUBTRACT 5
DETERMINE which letter in the alphabet
corresponds to the number you ended up
with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)
THINK of a country that starts with that
letter
REMEMBER the last letter of the name of
that country
THINK of the name of an animal that starts
with that letter
REMEMBER the last letter in the name of
that animal
THINK of the name of a fruit that starts with
that letter
Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark
eating an Orange?
Isn't that FREAKY!! If not for you, you're
among the 2% of the population whose
minds are different enough to think of
something else. However, 98% of people
will answer with Kangaroos in Denmark
eating oranges when given this exercise.
Perfect Pools
- Opening the pool for the season
Around this time of year your thoughts may
be turning towards the impending opening of
the pool. If you have a dirty pool, or allowed
yours to turn sour over the winter, you will
have a lot to do before you can swim. Don’t
put it off too long – it will only get worse. If
you have not opened up your own pool
before, and you are in any doubt as what to
do, our advice is to call in your local pool
centre/service engineer to do the job for you.
If you want to do the work yourself, the
following should be helpful.
Remove surface water and debris from the
winter cover before taking it off. Clean and
thoroughly dry it, ready for storage. A
cleaning mixture can be made from 100cc of
liquid chlorine in 10 litres of water – scrub it
onto the top and underside of the cover to kill
off algae and mould spores.
Using a leaf net, remove as much rubbish
and debris from the pool as possible. Clean
tide marks from the pool walls with a 50/50
mix of hydrochloric acid and water. This mix
is also good for cleaning the white
‘Coronation Stone’ surround to pools. Apply
to the surround with a broom and scrub away
to remove staining and embedded dust.
Work quickly to minimise the effects of the
acid and rinse off into the pool water. (Any
acid that is still active after cleaning the
surround will help to reduce the pH of the
pool water.)
Make sure all electrical connections are free
from damp or condensation - call in an
electrician if you are in any doubt about what
you are doing. Replace the fuses or reset the
circuit breakers. Set the timer clock to the
correct time of day and correct operating
period – 4 hours in each 12.
Check that there are no obstructions to
drains, outlets and the pump strainer basket.
Top up the water to 75mm (3”) above normal
level; bleed the air from the filter, pipes and
pump. Replace skimmer baskets if they were
removed for the winter.
Set the rotary valve to ‘Filter’. Turn on the
pump and check that the filter, skimmers and
drains are all working. Don’t worry if the
water from the circulation is initially
discoloured.
Vacuum the bottom and steps to ‘Waste’.
Then run the pump on ‘Circulate’ for 4 hours;
this will collect any remaining debris in a few
spots on the pool-bottom. Vacuum the
clusters of debris to ‘Waste’. Check and
empty the pump strainer basket again.
Check the pH and get it as near as possible
to 7.4. Superchlorinate to10 ppm with liquid
chlorine to kill any algae that may be present
- dosage rate is 2.1 litres per 50 cu m. Place
1 crushed and 1 whole Tricloro tablet per 50
cu m of pool water in the skimmer basket.
Set the Rotary Valve to ‘Filter’ and run the
pump for 24 hours. Thoroughly scrub all
surfaces with the pool-brush. This may turn
the water cloudy; if so the filter will clear it but
you may have to backwash a couple of times
during the 24 hour period of filtration.
If you notice any spots of black algae on the
grout-lines, add 3 grams per cubic metre of
Copper Sulphate crystals and scrub the
algae daily until it disappears. Do not
overdose with Copper Sulphate, or you may
get green hair when you swim!
Backwash the filter and top up with fresh
water. Remove the filter lid and examine the
sand. If it is still dirty after the backwash, or
lumpy, it may need to be changed. Zeolite is
a far better filter media than sand; see our
website, page http://www.deep-blue-
pools.com/zeolite.htm for fuller details.
Check the chlorine and pH. Get pH as near
as possible to 7.4 as soon as you can. If your
main sanitiser is unstabilised chlorine, such
as calcium hypochlorite, add stabiliser
(cyanuric acid), to prevent loss of chlorine to
sunlight, at a rate of 250 grams per 50 cu m
of pool water. If you use Tricloro tablets this
will not be necessary. Fit a pool-cover to
warm the water more swiftly. Last one in’s a
wimp!
If you would like to receive our free Monthly
Email Newsletter, offering seasonal advice
on pools, and tips on how to run your pool at
minimum expense, please send an email,
with the word ‘Subscribe’ as the subject, to
Copyright remains with the author.
Charity Auction
Last months Charity Auction
at Alhaurin Auctions was a
huge success, raising €1,875 which will be
presented to the local centre for disabled &
handicapped children in Alhaurin el Grande.
Mandy & Jess would like to thank everone
who took part in the day and also those who
offered vouchers and items for auction.
Time on your hands?
LIVE, the ex pat charity supporting the
children’s home in Malaga, is looking for
volunteer drivers and helpers.
Since its inception in 2004, LIVE has raised
funds, organised Christmas parties and
presents, collected jumble and treated the
children from the home to fun days out. But
with only five committee members the LIVE
team need help to carry on their work for the
Home.
Situated on the outskirts of Malaga and
flanked by shanty towns, La Ciudad de Los
Niños is home to children taken into care and
also a haven for the street children of the
nearby “chabolas” – shanty towns.
We are looking for supporters willing to do
collections and deliveries to the Home and
generally help out when we get to overload.
Anyone with a car willing to give a couple of
hours each month to help us. It may be there
are people who do a regular run to suppliers
in Malaga who could make a short detour to
the Home to deliver items we’ve collected for
them. We would love to hear from people
who would be prepared to act as
co-ordinators for items donated.
Please contact Brian Marsh on 620 791 441
Your call will be much appreciated.
Or visit www.live-spain.org
March
– Spring clean pots,
window boxes and any other
plant containers internally and
externally. A thorough clean is necessary to
prevent pests or disease to plants and also
to improve and maintain the quality and
fertility of the compost. Plus the appearance
in your garden & pots looks much more
attractive when clean and maybe hand
painted for added color.
So thoroughly wash pots and drip trays in
soapy water and then rinse in a vinegar
solution for reuse. Pots which are being used
should be washed outside to remove dirt.
Any algae can be removed from terracotta
pots using a diluted bleach solution or
vinegar and water, leave to dry and then wipe
with a cloth using a little olive oil. Be careful
to protect the plants whilst cleaning. Plants
which have been in the same pot and
compost for several years and probably root
bound should be replanted in a clean pot with
new compost. Shrubs can be pruned to tidy
the shape and plants with dead flowers and
leaves removed, also tidying any mulch.
Finally when the spring cleaning task has
been completed feed with a solution of flower
plant fertilizer. A job well done!
During the month of March, start to spray
geraniums against the geranium moth, take
cuttings and pot up using good compost.
Continue to take cuttings of perennial plants
like the margaritas and remove dead heads
as they flower. Remove frost protection from
any delicate plants in the garden, hopefully
spring is here, after all the daffodils are
flowering again.
Summer corns such as the lily and gladioli
can now be planted but do remember to plant
the gladioli corns in a sheltered spot from
winds. Til next month.... Rosie
CAPRICORN - Brainstorming about finances and how to increase your position
becomes a strong focus. Ideas abound and it would be useful to network and literally
‘get out there’ into the marketplace so that you are seen and not forgotten. Family or
close friends could use some tender, loving care around mid month and they will
appreciate the attention that you give them. Plans that you finally decide upon could
come to fruition very quickly and by the end of the month a new path awaits you.
AQUARIUS - Unanticipated events concerning your personal finances are likely and
become hard to ignore. Others turn to you for advice now as they may relate to what
you are dealing with and going through, sharing similar experiences. There is a certain
element of comfort in this as friends and acquaintances will gather around you making
an awkward transition a pleasant one. An admirer may make themselves known to you
around 10th and this will give you the boost you need.
TAURUS - Retrograding Venus, your ruler, means that this is now a time for reflection.
The dramas of the past two months are coming to a close and March for you is all about
starting the month how you mean to go on. Solving old problems and laying them to
rest is your mission, although you may think it is all dealt with, only to find more that
needs sorting, so keep your wits about you. By 28th you will be taking it to the next level
with a romantic partner.
CANCER - A new game plan will have to be formulated with regard to income and
expenditure and this could involve much of your time. Finances are the major core of
your activities right now. There could be a legal issue, or travel involved at some point
in March that will bring opportunities for new beginnings and advancement in some
area. By the end of the month you are ready to party and have a good time, life is settling
down to some kind of order and you feel you can relax a bit.
GEMINI - Career issues provide you with a host of activity - there is a lot of
responsibility on this level to deal with and sort out. It could feel as though you are
struggling to stay on top of things as you are not sure how the tide is turning and what
to do for the best. There could be some disagreements with family and friends who don’t
share you point of view. Some brand new idea could spring up from nowhere but getting
others opinions at this point in time may cloud the issue. Take time out for you.
ARIES - It is time to revise your plans and put off all new initiatives until you have more
confidence in their sustainability, a period of introspection is needed. You will tend to
want to retreat from the world and yet others are vying for your attention. Use the time
to budget, revise plans and rest as much as possible. By 25th a new energy enters into
your sign and you see things from a different angle and that new outlook could change
everything as you know it.
PISCES - Hold onto your purse strings this is not a time to splash out. It is a month
for romance though and you could find you are getting a lot of attention; in fact someone
is hard to ignore around 10th. Communication with someone close to you is extra special
and bonds deepen and barriers are taken down to reveal a different vista. You could be
lending a helping hand around 21st to someone who is struggling to cope. Take time
for relaxation yourself and enjoy a hot soak in a bubble bath.
LEO - A relationship can seem a little mysterious and will be taking centre stage in your
life; you may be intrigued by what is going on. Money that is shared or borrowed, pos-
sessions and funds are likely to be under discussion and ideas set down as to how to
deal with it all. Tightening the belt is the main focus it seems. Amongst it all this is a
great time to get fit and join a gym or go jogging. Take time out to enjoy yourself – you
deserve it.
LIBRA - Work matters may make you feel a little introspective; it isn’t anything to dowith confidence, but more that you recognise a need to re-evaluate where you fit into itall. You may be questioning your plans and need to discuss things with your partnerwhom may also be pre-occupied or hard to read. By 28th all will fall into place and youwill be ready to enjoy yourself, relationships become more intimate, and your sense ofoptimism returns.
SCORPIO - A force to be reckoned with this month and your strength seems to gain
in momentum as March progresses, just be careful not to trample upon the innocent as
you go for gold. Romance blossoms and a surprise could await you mid-month. Around
the 20th children and family matters pick up pace and you feel more playful and in a fun
frame of mind. Your creativity is at an all time high so by finding an outlet where you
can express this side of yourself will be beneficial.
SAGITTARIUS - The end is in sight with regard to a work project that you were
undertaking when all settles to its satisfactory conclusion by mid month. Speak up if an
authority figure seeks to undermine you – they need to hear your side of the story. Make
sure you are getting enough sleep or rest as all this mind activity will take its toll. A
romantic interest may seem a bit distant and you may have to clear up
misunderstandings before they roll out of control.
VIRGO - Is there someone who has caught your eye? Whether it is a long term partner,
new love interest, friend or sibling you should make time to spend with this person, you
may be surprised at how well you get on. Health issues could crop up and you need to
make sure that you are eating well and looking after your self. Forget about making big
purchases this just isn’t the right time but instead look at ways to save for the future.
Children's Answers
to Science Exam Question’s
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which
water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink
because it removes large pollutants like grit,
sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches
puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and
looks forward to his adultery.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead
of the cow.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth
control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by
wearing a condominium.
Q: Explain the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The caesarean section is a district in
Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a
characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp
places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Playing at home in front of 22,000 fans
MALAGA took the lead (22mins) against a
very good ATHLETICO MADRID side. It was
not to the last however as ATHLETICO
equalised almost on the stroke of half time
(44mins). In a tough game there were no
more goals 1-1 being the final score. A long
journey North to ATHLETIC BILBAO came
next and MALAGA twice took the lead (2 &
63mins) in a pulsating end to end game.
ATHLETIC twice equalised (36 & 71 mins)
and with MALAGA down to 10 men went on
to score a late winner (86mins) for a 3-2 win.
The next match home to ALMERIA saw the
fans stunned to silence as the away team
took a 2-0 lead into the half time break. They
had plenty to shout about in the 2nd half
however as MALAGA fired in three goals to
claim a 3-2 victory. A long away trip to top
four VALENCIA did not phase MALAGA
despite going behind to a DAVID VILLA
"special" (53mins). Only six minutes later a
strong attack down the right wing saw
MALAGA force an own goal from the
accurate crossed ball. A 1-1 draw was a
justified result from a strong defiant MALAGA
team. Another away game and great win 3-1
to complete the double over VALADOLID
pushed MALAGA into the top six and EUFA
contention.
Malaga Fixtures: 01/03 Recreativo de
Huelva (home), 08/03 Getafe (away), 15/03
Sevilla (home), 22/03 Barcelona (away).
1. D.Day in 1971 introduced what to
Britain?
2. The airline Iberia is from what
country?
3. What is the maximum break in
snooker?
4. How many metres are there in 4
kilometres?
5. In Greek mythology who was the god
of the sun?
6. Andorra lies between which two
countries?
7. How is Peking now more commonly
known?
8. In which city is Bizet's "Carmen" set?
9. What is Brighton Pier called?
10. In pottery what is a slip?
11. How many eyes does a bee have?
12. What does Ghengis Khan mean?
13. Who was Inspector Clouseau's
manservant?
14. What was Tonto's horse called?
15. What does an ungulate animal
have?
16. What are the oldest Royal
Bodyguards called?
17. Which drink has 7x as a secret
formula?
18. What is the capital of Morocco?
19. What is the inscription on the Victoria
Cross?
20. How many lines are there in a
sonnet?
21. The bite of which insect can cause
sleeping sickness?
22. If you were eating fish 'a la
Normande', how would the fish be
cooked?
23. Orpheus went down to Hades to
rescue his wife. What was her name?
Answers on page 50
Luke had it before. Paul had it behind. Ladies
have it at the beginning, but only once. A
braham Lincoln had it twice. Boys cannot
have it at all. Doctor Lowell had it before and
behind. He actually had it twice as bad
behind as he had it in front.
What is it?
Make this goat out of 5 toothpicks.
Now move just one toothpick to make a goat
that faces in a different direction.
Answers on page 50
Make this triangle out of ten pennies.
Now, moving only three pennies, can you
make a triangle that points down instead of
up? The new triangle should look just like the
one below only flipped upside down.
ACROSS1 Treatise (5)
4 European capital
(5)
7 Assistance (3)
9 Position (6)
11 Jetty (4)
12 Drinking vessel
(3)
13 Card game (7)
15 Northern country
(7)
18 Animal’s foot (3)
19 Avid (4)
20 Assimilate (6)
23 Age (3)
24 Sum (5)
25 More old (5)
DOWN1 Team sport (4,7)
2 Container (3)
3 Spasm (3)
5 Large mammal (5)
6 Natural drink (6,5)
8 Public protest (4)
10 Unit of current
(3)
13 Vegetable (3)
14 Signal assent (3)
16 Vote (5)
17 Naked (4)
18 Pastry item (3)
21 Anger (3)
22 Young woman
(3)
Discover how to break a code:
Every number in the codeword grid is 'code' for a letter of the alphabet.
Thus the number '2' may correspond to the letter 'L', for instance.
We have given you the first letter, I = 1 HINT: Letters not used: B, F, J, Q, W, X
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Answers on page 50
What do retired
people do all day?
Working people frequently ask
retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other
day my wife and I went into town and went
into a shop. We were only in there for about
5 minutes. When we came out, there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the
ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me
and started writing another ticket for having
worn tyres. So my wife called him a
s***-head. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket. This went on for
about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets
he wrote. Personally, we didn't care – we
came into town by bus. We try to have a
little fun each day now that we're retired. It's
important at our age.
Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,
wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting
for the inevitable,when all of a
sudden.......'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I
smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.''
Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up
the next sand dune, and there,in the
distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.There's
raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's
fried bacon, back bacon,double smoked
bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig
meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon
tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We
ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a
meerage that smell like bacon... ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following
closely behind, when all of a sudden, a
machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down
in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, a true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe... go back man, you was right ees not
a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?'
'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees...........Ees............Ees............Ees............
Ees........Eees a Ham Bush.
Warning to Golfers
A professor at the University of Canberra was
giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular
Contractions' to his first year medical
students.
Realising this was not the most riveting
subject, the professor decided to lighten the
mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman
in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your arse hole is doing
while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his
mates.'
Sign of the times?
A little boy goes to his father and asks
"Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one
day you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mum and I first got together in a chat room
on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail
with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where
your mother agreed to a download from my
hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to
hit the delete button, nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
Tea Anyone?
One day my mother was out and my dad was
in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old
and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a
get-well gift and it was one of my favourite
toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed
in the evening news when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for
such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My
Dad made her wait in the living room to
watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it
was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited,
and sure enough, here I come down the hall
with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches
him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a
mother would know.. :)
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place
she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
A couple of Paddys
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube &
Mick came on the bus!!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a
plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The
stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a
drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too,
I didnt know we had a choice!'
Aquabeds, Tel: 952 112 563, 636 648 173
www.thesentinellamalaga.com/Aquabeds.html
Email: [email protected]
Seconds R Us, Second Hand Furniture,
Parque recinto ferial 7 (Feria Ground)
Alhaurin el Grande. Tel: 952 112 563
'Yoga, Health & Beauty Centre' -Campillos.
Residenital & non-residential courses offered
plus large range of other services. Tel 952
725 425 / 678 117 894
Web: www.wildman-chard-centre.es
Email:[email protected]
Inner Yoga - Classes, meditation, retreats,
therapies, healing. Alhaurín de la Torre.
www.inner-yoga.co.uk
Tel: 952 649 266 / Mov: 663 179 518
Riosat SL, No landline required. Internet and
telephone services. Some areas free
installation. Covering Andalucia.
Call 951 239 310 / 626 679 018
Email:[email protected] Website:www.riosat.com
Buggies, car seats, travel cots, highchairs
and more from as little as €1 per day. Based
in Alhaurin el Grande. Can deliver.
Tel: 600 609 129.
Accommodation.com
50,000 Cheap Hotels Online.
www.accommodation.com
Now available the 'import your own car guide'
69 euros. With this guide you will be able to
re-register your own car yourself. No Gestor
fees. No import duty to pay. For full details
visit www.carimportinspain.com or call
Chris on 606 554 048
Rent a car 3000, delivery to & from airport
/ accommodation free of charge,
Tel: 952 490 692, 639 682 081
Website: www.rentacar3000.com
Email: [email protected]
Euro drain services, cctv surveys, drain
jetting, septic tanks, soakaway installations
fast and efective. 24hr blocked drain
clearance. Call Darren 629 640 754 all areas.
Alterations, curtains, soft furnishings & made
to measure. 20 years experience.
Tel: 952 758 577 (Tanya)
Apprentice Trained Electrician, 25 years
Experience, Fault Finding, Maintenance,
Rewires etc. Tel: 650 151 569 - Electric Ian
KIDDIE HIRE
HEALTH & BEAUTY
ELECTRICIANS
DRESSMAKER
CAR HIRE
CAR GUIDE
FURNITUREACCOMMODATION
DRAIN SERVICES
INTERNET SERVICES
BED & BREAKFAST
Casa 65 B&B, Heart of Andalucia.
Weekend Breaks (Fri/Sat/Sun Nights) 120€
Includes Sunday Lunch
Midweek Break (Mon/Tue/Wed/Thur) 120€
Prices or Per Room For 2.
Tel: 953 570 089
NOTICE THIS?You're Not The Only One!
BOX IT IN !!FOR ONLY 95€
(12 ISSUES)
Specialist in ceilings, walls and floors.
25 Years experience. For price and advice,
call Frank at Casabermeja. Tel: 618 597 364
Or Email: [email protected]
CPS, Professional & reliable maintenance
for your pool & garden.
Tel: 699 244 822 / 686 438 925
Rental, Key holding, Changeovers &
Cleans.
A Taylor made Service to suit your needs.
Tel: (0034) 664 455 389 or 651 594 382
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.costa-direct.com
Electric Ian - All Satellite Installations, All
Areas Covered, Free Quotes.
Telephone Ian on 650 151 569
Man with Van & Trailer. € 20 p/h No job too
small, Local & International. Call Dave
665 034 005 or 695 888 870
Web Design Malaga - Get your business a
website from just € 150. Plus 6 months free
web hosting.
For details call Simon on 653 437 416
www.webdesignmalaga.es
VAN HIRE
SATELLITE TV / INSTALLATIONS
PROPERTY SERVICES
WEB DESIGN
POOL & GARDEN MAINTENANCE
PLASTERER / BUILDER
VETERINARY SURGEONS
BRITISH VETERINARY SURGEON
Home visits at no extra cost . First and
second opinion work, vaccines, Id chip,
blood analysis etc. Consultations in the
comfort of your own home.
Tel: 652 302 985
Mr Wayne Hockenhull BVMS MRCVS
ANSWERS (from pages 40-42)
Get Quizzical:
1) Decimal coins
2) Spain
3) 147
4) 4,000
5) Apollo
6) France & Spain 7)
Bejing
8) Seville
9) Polace Pier
10) Liquid clay
11) 5
12) Universal Ruler
13) Cato
14) Scout
15) Hooves
16) The Yeoman of
the Guard
17) Coca Cola
18) Rabat
19) For Valor
20) 14
21) Tsetse Fly
22) Braised in white
wine
23) Eurydice
Riddle: The letter L
Codeword:
1=I, 2=R, 3=L, 4=O, 5=G, 6=P, 7=K, 8=A,
9=H, 10=M, 11=S, 12=V, 13=Z, 14=D,
15=Y, 16=N, 17=E, 18=C, 19=U, 20=T
Brain Teasers:
Face in a crowd, Once in a blue moon,
Reduction, Pace back & forth
Retired
Blues
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout
Time was when, of it’s own accords
From my trousers it would spring
But now I have a full time job
Just to find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave
But now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its withered head
And watch me tie my shoes
The Rose
Take a moment
To smell the rose
Breathe in the essence
Of the Earth which it grows
Don´t pass it by
Without a thought
Such simple beauty
That nature has brought
The perfectness of
This delicate flower
The essence of pure love
In all its glory and power
The earth is so beautiful
Too perfect to miss
But sometimes we walk on
In ignorant bliss
If only we stopped
And took a moment
Listening to nature
We´d feel more content
And understand more
About life and love
And feel free and in peace
Just like a dove
Next time you see a rose
Don´t take nature for granted
Smell this amazing example
Of life, God has planted
Allison from Cartama
Brain Benders: