THE ROLE OF MOTHER IN THE ROLE OF MOTHER IN HER SON’S LIFEHER SON’S LIFE

Understanding the Psychological Understanding the Psychological Needs of your child.Needs of your child.

St Stephen’s School 10 March 2012

ISSUESISSUES

CHALLENGESCHALLENGES

MAIN ISSUES FACING PRIMARY SCHOOL CHILDREN AND THEIR

FAMILY• High Expectations: school and

family – over-expectation & over estimation of the child’s abilities.

• Stress: coping with school work – excessive homework given

• Material pursuits: branded goods – more money, less parental control.

• Strong peer group identification: “unstable relationship” with parents.

• Communication breakdown: at home

• Liberal Society: losing our Singaporean/Asian culture….take on another culture.

• High dependency on maids: “we paid her to work for us…”

• Adolescents leaving home issues/parents mid-life issues

4 STAGES OF MID-CHILDHOOD THAT AFFECT HEALTHY 4 STAGES OF MID-CHILDHOOD THAT AFFECT HEALTHY GROWTHGROWTH

- Erik EriksonStage 1: (birth – 1 year old)Trust versus Mistrust: If trust is not properly developed, we have a poor self-image and/or feel abandoned.

Stage 2: (1 to 3 years old)Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt: The issue here is the ability to gain some kind of control over the self. If we do not, we are left with a sense of failure.

Stage 3: (3 to 6 years old)Initiative versus Guilt: If initiative is not developed, we feel inadequate and shut down.

Stage 4: (6 to 12 years old)Industry versus Inferiority: Here we need to be encouraged to do what we can, or else we develop feelings of inferiority.

SINGAPORE FAMILIES Needs, Demands, Wants, Challenges & Responsibilities

Material Needs & Wants

Financial CommitmentsSpiritual Needs

Societal Norm to Achieve / Excel

Domestic Helpers

Marital Needs

Educational Demands

Children’s Needs

Work Demands

In-Laws Relations

Household Chores

Spousal Needs

Personal Needs

OUROUR

FAMILYFAMILY

YOUR CHILD’S ADJUSTMENTYOUR CHILD’S ADJUSTMENT

SCHOOL ADJUSTMENTAcademic Self-Concept

Academic Achievement

School Adjustment

PSYCHOLOGICAL ADJUSTMENTPersonal Self-concept

Emotional Well-being

Personal Autonomy / Decision-making

SOCIAL COMPETENCEFriendship-Class / CCA / Chat Lines

Boy-Girl Relationship (12+)

continue

Your Child’s AdjustmentsYour Child’s Adjustments

...Continued

COPING STRATEGIESTime Management

Stress Management

Problem-Solving Skills

EMOTIONAL GROWTHEmotional Management

Emotion Coaching needed

The Psychosocial needs of a schooling child

1. The Physical Contact2. Intellectual Need3. Praise and Recognition4. Emotional Needs5. Responsibility6. Unconditional Love and Security

?? Questions to Ponder ??

Understanding the Needs and Wants of Understanding the Needs and Wants of Children, how will you as parents begin to Children, how will you as parents begin to communicate and relate differently now?communicate and relate differently now?

What current Parenting Mindsets do you need to modify in order to better parent

your child ?

EXAMPLES OF PARENTING WHICH WENT WRONG

• The parent who “avoids trouble”: so…just do it for him/her.

• The parent who gives in: …….to keep peace.• The parent who devalues the word “promise”.• The parent who doesn’t keep his words• The parent who uses double messages: he wants

the child to tell the truth and yet he doesn’t trust him.

• The parent who upgrades the child to an adult position

•The parent who uses ineffective choice of words:e.g. I want you to hang your clothes – is that OK? Can you ……..or not?

•Be clear with your command.

•The inferior or de-valued parent.

•The always arguing parent: father arguing with son.

PARENTING REALITY CHECK• While it is ideal that it takes While it is ideal that it takes ““2 to TANGO2 to TANGO””,, The reality is the 2 of U may TANGLE.The reality is the 2 of U may TANGLE.

While both parents need to be consistent and While both parents need to be consistent and complementing each other,complementing each other,

Reality is Reality is we parent according to our individual we parent according to our individual styles .styles . Result in Inconsistency. The child = confused. Result in Inconsistency. The child = confused.

TEAMWORK

A B C

Disciplining is trainingtowards self control,NOT punishing to facilitate parentalcontrol.

Discipline

training which encourages self control and a capacity to cooperate through reasoning and discussion.

We don’t correct our children to make them feel bad, but to help them discover a better way to do something.

Early Childhood Bonding & AttachmentThe Pre-school YearsPrimary School years

THE FOUNDATIONAL & FORMATIVE ROLE OF THE

MOTHER (The First 10-12 years)

Pre-Teen & Early Teen YearsPuberty

Mid Teen YearsLate Teens/Early Adulthood

THE TRANSFORMATIONAL & CRUCIAL ROLE OF THE

FATHER to his son(The Next 6-8 years of his life)

PARENTING IS NOT AN EASY JOB……PARENTING IS NOT AN EASY JOB……

BUT IT IS A VERY REWARDING ONE….BUT IT IS A VERY REWARDING ONE….

To help develop a healthy personality, parents can:To help develop a healthy personality, parents can:

1. Accept the child as a person.

2. Accept your child as they are, with all their faults

3. Avoid comparison with other children: consciously or unconsciously; when your children hear it they feel slighted

4. Be honest with your feelings

5. Be open with your warmth, affection and love.

6. Listen to your child: message = feelings + content

7. Have the courage to be imperfect : this is very difficult.

8. Set reasonable standards for your child.

9. Try to see things from your child’s point of view: setting standards together, not by the child alone or the parent.

10. Practice mutual respect: “I accept you for what you are.” (even if you have learning difficulties)

11. Avoid roadblocks to communication

“roadblocks” to communication

• Ordering: all the time directing/commanding

• Warning: threatening• Moralizing: preaching• Lecturing: giving logical arguments• Name calling: ridiculing and shaming• Withdrawing: “lets not talk for 2

weeks!”

Tips for developing healthy self-esteem in children

• Help your child feel special and appreciated.

• Avoid comments that are judgmental and frame them in more positive terms.

• Be an empathetic parent.• Don’t compare siblings.• If your child has a learning disability,

help your child to understand the nature of his/her learning disability.

Communication Patterns found in a Communication Patterns found in a FamilyFamily

• Mother tends to be easier to talk to Mother tends to be easier to talk to than father.than father.

• Female teens tend to start Female teens tend to start communications than male.communications than male.

• Father and sons tend to have the Father and sons tend to have the least communication.least communication.

• Mother and daughters find sexual Mother and daughters find sexual behaviour one of the most difficult behaviour one of the most difficult areas of communicationareas of communication

Discovering the proper balance of parental involvement is a constant struggle.

But we must continue to look for the centre point between

too much and too little structure and order for children,

between too much and too little scheduling and between family togetherness and individual privacy.

Our rules must be consistent, NOT contradicting.

- ( Norman Wright )