The Real O'Neals 1x04 - The Real F Word

8/19/2019 The Real O'Neals 1x04 - The Real F Word

1/41

100:00:01,130 --> 00:00:02,728Too spiky.

200:00:02,796 --> 00:00:04,395Too flat.

300:00:04,464 --> 00:00:07,465Too Tilda Swinton.

400:00:07,534 --> 00:00:09,667Today is my first day back at school

500:00:09,737 --> 00:00:11,669since coming out to the entire world.

600:00:11,738 --> 00:00:13,637I couldn't sleep at all last night.

700:00:13,706 --> 00:00:16,140Luckily, Jimmy waswilling to stay up with me.

800:00:16,209 --> 00:00:17,574Okay, if we stay dedicated,

900:00:17,643 --> 00:00:20,044we can binge-watch everyseason of "Game of Thrones"

1000:00:20,113 --> 00:00:21,846in one night. Are you in?

1100:00:21,914 --> 00:00:24,081

That's like 50 hoursof television, Jimmy.

1200:00:24,150 --> 00:00:25,716You don't think we can do it?

1300:00:25,785 --> 00:00:28,685Change how time works? No.No, I don't think we can.

14

00:00:28,754 --> 00:00:30,720Challenge accepted.


2/41

1500:00:32,357 --> 00:00:34,323I hardly paid attention,because I just kept thinking,

1600:00:34,392 --> 00:00:36,659

"I'm gay and now everyoneknows it, and what'll they... "

1700:00:36,728 --> 00:00:40,029wait... are those two dudes doing it?

1800:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,600Morning.

19

00:00:46,103 --> 00:00:48,003What?

2000:00:48,072 --> 00:00:49,272Why are you all staring at me?

2100:00:49,339 --> 00:00:51,206We were just talking about you,

2200:00:51,275 --> 00:00:53,075

so when you came in we stopped.

2300:00:53,144 --> 00:00:54,576Don't worry, bro...

2400:00:54,645 --> 00:00:56,745when people at school callyou names and bully you

2500:00:56,814 --> 00:00:59,581and make fun of the way thatyou run and throw and talk,

2600:00:59,650 --> 00:01:00,682I will protect you.

2700:01:00,751 --> 00:01:02,751I will be your one-handed knight,

28

00:01:02,819 --> 00:01:05,386and you'll be mylittle, bastard brother.


3/41

2900:01:05,454 --> 00:01:07,388This is a lot on your shoulders.

3000:01:07,456 --> 00:01:09,924

You're the first out gaykid in our Catholic school.

3100:01:09,993 --> 00:01:12,359So I just want to say...

3200:01:12,428 --> 00:01:14,595I wish you'd taken aminute with your hair.

3300:01:14,664 --> 00:01:15,963I spent an hour on this.

3400:01:16,032 --> 00:01:17,865Can you wear a hat?

3500:01:17,934 --> 00:01:20,466Okay, I just don't want tomake a big deal out of this.

3600:01:20,535 --> 00:01:21,802I mean, it's the same school.

3700:01:21,870 --> 00:01:23,804I am the same kid as I was last week.

3800:01:23,872 --> 00:01:25,705They just, you know, know...

3900:01:25,774 --> 00:01:27,140New information about me.

4000:01:27,209 --> 00:01:28,649That's a great way of looking at it.

4100:01:28,677 --> 00:01:30,610It's kind of like, uh,you won the lottery.

4200:01:30,679 --> 00:01:31,845Mm, or killed someone.


4/41

4300:01:31,914 --> 00:01:34,781What? You gave him anoutrageous example, too.

44

00:01:34,850 --> 00:01:37,950I just think it's smartto stay under the radar.

4500:01:38,019 --> 00:01:39,418Look at me and your father.

4600:01:39,486 --> 00:01:40,986We're not advertising thatwe're getting a divorce.

4700:01:41,055 --> 00:01:43,289That's why your fatheris living in the basement,

4800:01:43,357 --> 00:01:44,456and, in six months time,

4900:01:44,525 --> 00:01:46,992he will quietly move

out in the dark of night,

5000:01:47,061 --> 00:01:49,829and everyone will forgetwe were ever together.

5100:01:49,897 --> 00:01:51,297I thought I was living in the basement

5200:01:51,365 --> 00:01:53,445- because it's better for the kids.- Yeah, that too.

5300:01:53,500 --> 00:01:55,066Okay, I'm gonna go get this over with.

5400:01:55,135 --> 00:01:56,500I'm gonna make it through the day

55

00:01:56,569 --> 00:01:58,736with as little drama as possible.


5/41

5600:01:58,805 --> 00:01:59,838Oh, Kenny.

5700:01:59,906 --> 00:02:01,840Dear, sweet, gay Kenny.

5800:02:01,908 --> 00:02:03,842I had to see youradorable face one last time

5900:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,870before it's hardened bythe cruelty of your peers.

60

00:02:05,879 --> 00:02:07,778Oh, my god. Is that a pimple?

6100:02:07,848 --> 00:02:09,914As if your day couldn't get any worse.

6200:02:09,983 --> 00:02:12,115Off you go.

6300:02:14,854 --> 00:02:16,519

Okay, you got this.

6400:02:16,588 --> 00:02:18,755No one is even looking at you.

6500:02:18,824 --> 00:02:21,491So the jocks noticed me.

6600:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,760They're probably comingup with dumb names

6700:02:23,829 --> 00:02:26,763to call me like "Femmy Kenny,"which doesn't even rhyme.

6800:02:26,832 --> 00:02:28,530It's only an assonance at best.

69

00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:30,366Oh, my god, I am so gay.


6/41

7000:02:30,434 --> 00:02:32,134Why did I have to come out now?

7100:02:32,203 --> 00:02:34,370Why couldn't I have

waited until college?

7200:02:34,438 --> 00:02:37,273I can only imagine how theseCatholic-school kids see me.

7300:02:37,342 --> 00:02:40,376âª I'm coming out âª

74

00:02:40,444 --> 00:02:43,045âª I want the world to know âª

7500:02:43,114 --> 00:02:45,013âª Got to let it show âª

7600:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,349Oh, my gosh.

7700:02:47,417 --> 00:02:48,984

âª I'm coming out âª

7800:02:49,052 --> 00:02:50,818âª I want the world... âª

7900:02:50,888 --> 00:02:53,521Oh, hey, Kenny. I hear you're...

8000:02:53,590 --> 00:02:56,324A fag?! What?!

8100:02:56,393 --> 00:02:58,894I know that's what you'reall whispering about me!

8200:03:00,063 --> 00:03:03,130I was going to say, I hearyou're running for treasurer.

83

00:03:03,199 --> 00:03:05,699I am.


7/41

8400:03:05,768 --> 00:03:08,302And I'd...

8500:03:08,371 --> 00:03:10,504Appreciate your vote.

8600:03:10,572 --> 00:03:11,705Vote Kenny!

8700:03:11,774 --> 00:03:15,509Synced and corrected by VitoSilans- www.Addic7ed.com -

8800:03:15,577 --> 00:03:18,178

Kenny, you've put us in quite a pickle.

8900:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,915Is it bad to say puttinga pickle in something

9000:03:21,983 --> 00:03:23,149to someone like you?

9100:03:23,218 --> 00:03:24,218

Don't answer that.

9200:03:24,219 --> 00:03:27,686Um, how is this gonna go down?

9300:03:27,755 --> 00:03:29,655Well, you did use oneof the banned words,

9400:03:29,724 --> 00:03:32,091which include but are not limited to

9500:03:32,160 --> 00:03:36,061ass, bitch, butt-head, douche, slut,

9600:03:36,130 --> 00:03:39,764slut-shamer,slut-bag...

97

00:03:39,833 --> 00:03:41,199Slut basket...


8/41

9800:03:41,268 --> 00:03:43,936Okay, are you sure you shouldbe reading these out loud to me?

9900:03:44,004 --> 00:03:44,736

Probably not.

10000:03:46,907 --> 00:03:50,542So, what to do with you.

10100:03:50,610 --> 00:03:52,844On one hand, you're the bully,

10200:03:52,913 --> 00:03:55,346

but on the other hand,you're the victim,

10300:03:55,415 --> 00:03:58,849so I guess they're justgonna cancel each other out.

10400:03:58,918 --> 00:04:00,451That's a wash.

105

00:04:00,519 --> 00:04:01,752Just get back to class.

10600:04:01,821 --> 00:04:03,955That is a great idea.

10700:04:04,023 --> 00:04:05,122I'm gonna go and blend in.

10800:04:05,191 --> 00:04:06,857Yeah, I'm really looking forward

10900:04:06,926 --> 00:04:09,626to your election speech fortreasurer this afternoon.

11000:04:10,963 --> 00:04:13,563I completely forgot that was today.

111

00:04:13,631 --> 00:04:14,797Whole school's gonnabe there to watch you,


9/41

11200:04:14,866 --> 00:04:16,466plus the kids who are home sick.

11300:04:16,534 --> 00:04:17,800

We got a webcast now, you know.

11400:04:17,869 --> 00:04:19,235Um...

11500:04:19,304 --> 00:04:21,137What happens if I don't make my speech?

11600:04:21,206 --> 00:04:24,540

Then Madison Chartoff willwin, and no one wants that.

11700:04:24,609 --> 00:04:27,343The Chartoff dynasty ends here!

11800:04:28,512 --> 00:04:29,644What are you doing with my couch?

11900:04:29,713 --> 00:04:31,280

Waiting for you to pickup the other side of it.

12000:04:31,349 --> 00:04:32,949It's for my livingspace in the basement.

12100:04:32,950 --> 00:04:34,116Oh, no. You can't have this couch.

12200:04:34,185 --> 00:04:35,417It's the anchor for the room.

12300:04:35,486 --> 00:04:38,587Fine, I'll take the, uh, armchair then.

12400:04:38,655 --> 00:04:40,889No, the armchair balances out the couch.

125

00:04:40,958 --> 00:04:43,725And how about the pillows?Are these load-bearing pillows?


10/41

12600:04:43,794 --> 00:04:45,126They're my pop of color!

12700:04:45,195 --> 00:04:47,295

Oh, you can have this magazine.

12800:04:47,364 --> 00:04:49,563Actually, no. I'm not finished with it.

12900:04:49,632 --> 00:04:52,000You know what? Never mind. Ican see where this is going.

130

00:04:52,068 --> 00:04:54,435Looks like I'm doing somefurniture shopping today.

13100:04:54,504 --> 00:04:55,803I'm going with you.

13200:04:55,872 --> 00:04:57,938No, you're not.

133

00:04:58,008 --> 00:04:59,773You are terrible atbig-ticket purchases.

13400:04:59,842 --> 00:05:01,808Now look, I know youthink I can't handle this,

13500:05:01,877 --> 00:05:03,510but I know how to do things

13600:05:03,578 --> 00:05:06,779and I am perfectly capableof buying myself a couch.

13700:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,915You can't get it at Sports Authority.

13800:05:09,916 --> 00:05:11,584Then I'm gonna need you to come with me.

13900:05:13,255 --> 00:05:15,655


11/41

There he is right over there.

14000:05:15,724 --> 00:05:17,957There he is... the belle of the ball.

141

00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:20,859Look, how do I get peopleto stop talking about me

14200:05:20,928 --> 00:05:22,161before my election speech?

14300:05:22,230 --> 00:05:23,962You're good at the, you know,

14400:05:24,032 --> 00:05:26,365sneaky, underhanded, duplicitous stuff.

14500:05:26,434 --> 00:05:28,600Aww, I didn't think you noticed.

14600:05:28,669 --> 00:05:30,503Well, the best wayto nip this in the bud

14700:05:30,571 --> 00:05:31,603is to change the story.

14800:05:31,672 --> 00:05:33,105Start a rumor about your opponent

14900:05:33,174 --> 00:05:35,306so they'll be talkingabout her instead of you.

15000:05:35,375 --> 00:05:36,541Madison Chartoff, though?

15100:05:36,609 --> 00:05:38,343I don't know, that sounds a little...

15200:05:38,412 --> 00:05:40,778Sneaky? Underhanded? Duplicitous?

15300:05:40,847 --> 00:05:43,348Okay, how do I do this?


12/41

15400:05:43,417 --> 00:05:45,716Take a logline from a"Pretty Little Liars" episode

155

00:05:45,785 --> 00:05:47,852and replace a character'sname with Madison's.

15600:05:47,921 --> 00:05:50,988Okay. Okay, finally,watching that show pays off.

15700:05:54,427 --> 00:05:56,026And, just like that,

15800:05:56,095 --> 00:05:58,328you've ruined an innocent girl's life.

15900:06:03,402 --> 00:06:05,302Looking for anything special?

16000:06:05,371 --> 00:06:07,704We just got in these adorable poufs.

16100:06:07,773 --> 00:06:09,572Oh, well, we alreadyhave an adorable pouf,

16200:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,240and it's his first day back at school.

16300:06:11,309 --> 00:06:13,008I'm sorry.

16400:06:13,078 --> 00:06:14,977Our son is gay, andwe're getting a divorce.

16500:06:18,649 --> 00:06:20,316Don't tell peoplewe're getting a divorce.

16600:06:20,385 --> 00:06:22,085

They'll want to sell us the whole store.

167


13/41

00:06:22,153 --> 00:06:23,886It's like when you goto buy a wedding cake.

16800:06:23,955 --> 00:06:25,488You don't say it's for a wedding.

16900:06:25,557 --> 00:06:27,689You say it's for a birthday.But not a sweet sixteen.

17000:06:27,757 --> 00:06:29,824Fine, I won't tell them what it's for.

17100:06:29,893 --> 00:06:32,260

It's never this complicatedat Sports Authority.

17200:06:32,329 --> 00:06:33,795Ooh, that one looks comfy.

17300:06:33,863 --> 00:06:37,031Congratulations, you just pickedthe worst couch in the store.

174

00:06:37,101 --> 00:06:38,900You want down-wrapped foam.

17500:06:38,969 --> 00:06:41,069I can see from herethat's entirely foam.

17600:06:41,138 --> 00:06:43,137There's no way youcan see that from here.

17700:06:43,206 --> 00:06:44,538She's right. It's all foam.

17800:06:44,607 --> 00:06:45,906Can't get rid of it.

17900:06:45,975 --> 00:06:46,907Can I help you two with something?

18000:06:46,976 --> 00:06:48,976We're looking for a couch for my...


14/41

18100:06:49,044 --> 00:06:50,111Bonus room.

18200:06:50,179 --> 00:06:52,379

For, uh, when we have a party,

18300:06:52,448 --> 00:06:54,948or, uh, maybe a guest stays over.

18400:06:55,017 --> 00:06:56,417It's definitely not for my husband,

18500:06:56,419 --> 00:06:58,952

who sleeps in our bedjust like he's supposed to.

18600:06:59,021 --> 00:07:00,353That's right,

18700:07:00,422 --> 00:07:02,222but it still needs to beable to fit a guy like me.

188

00:07:02,290 --> 00:07:05,291But not for him. Just a guy like him.

18900:07:05,360 --> 00:07:07,660Who may or may not have night terrors...

19000:07:07,729 --> 00:07:09,829If there is a couch for that.

19100:07:09,897 --> 00:07:12,665I... Think we have that.

19200:07:12,734 --> 00:07:14,501Did you hear what happened?

19300:07:14,569 --> 00:07:16,936Someone from "Pretty LittleLiars" got Madison pregnant.

194

00:07:17,005 --> 00:07:19,138Yes, and Kenny gotcalled the gay F-word.


15/41

19500:07:19,206 --> 00:07:22,341Fruit? Fairy? Feline? Froyo?

19600:07:22,409 --> 00:07:25,277

Frou-frou? Fanny pack?Which one, Shannon?

19700:07:25,346 --> 00:07:28,013The really bad oneyou're not allowed to say.

19800:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,748Who said that to him?

19900:07:29,816 --> 00:07:31,983That's the best part. It was Kenny.

20000:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,953Kenny Lee!

20100:07:37,089 --> 00:07:38,756Oh, no, Jimmy. Not that...

202

00:07:38,824 --> 00:07:42,426I, Jimmy of HouseO'Neal, first of my name,

20300:07:42,495 --> 00:07:45,196breaker of chains and Mother of Dragons,

20400:07:45,265 --> 00:07:47,031will avenge my brother!

20500:07:47,099 --> 00:07:49,900- You gay-shaming slut basket!- Hey!

20600:07:54,039 --> 00:07:55,505Wrong Kenny.

20700:07:56,406 --> 00:07:59,786Next up, the gripping tale

20800:07:59,855 --> 00:08:02,956of Alexander Fleming and Penicillin.


16/41

20900:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,057The discovery...

21000:08:04,126 --> 00:08:06,492

Kenny... Is the rumor true?

21100:08:06,561 --> 00:08:08,628Rumor?

21200:08:08,696 --> 00:08:10,096You know, I'm not much of a gossip,

21300:08:10,097 --> 00:08:11,864

but, uh, what did you hear?

21400:08:11,932 --> 00:08:13,699I heard you're going toblow your chance at treasurer

21500:08:13,768 --> 00:08:15,688because you're takingperformance-enhancing drugs

216

00:08:15,737 --> 00:08:16,902to make your body better for swimming.

21700:08:16,971 --> 00:08:18,738You know, because you're gay.

21800:08:18,806 --> 00:08:20,706What? No, that rumor wasn't about me.

21900:08:20,775 --> 00:08:22,874I started it about Madison Chartoff.

22000:08:22,942 --> 00:08:24,743Are you starting a smearcampaign against her

22100:08:24,811 --> 00:08:26,177because early exit polls show

222

00:08:26,246 --> 00:08:27,879you're only holding 10% of the vote?


17/41

22300:08:27,947 --> 00:08:31,015Shut up and learn about Penicillin. God.

22400:08:31,084 --> 00:08:33,818Okay, turns out starting

a malicious rumor

22500:08:33,887 --> 00:08:36,254about my opponent didn'tmake my situation better,

22600:08:36,323 --> 00:08:38,089it made it a hell of a lot worse.

227

00:08:38,158 --> 00:08:39,923What are you doing here?

22800:08:39,992 --> 00:08:41,358I defended your honor...

22900:08:41,427 --> 00:08:43,727And the House of O'Neals.

23000:08:43,796 --> 00:08:46,497

But I didn't realize thatyou hate-crimed yourself,

23100:08:46,565 --> 00:08:50,000so I... regular-crimed Kenny Lee.

23200:08:50,068 --> 00:08:52,736Young man, we have azero-tolerance policy

23300:08:52,805 --> 00:08:54,438when it comes to bodily harm,

23400:08:54,507 --> 00:08:57,072so I have no choice but tosuspend you and send you home.

23500:08:57,141 --> 00:08:58,741No. No, no, no, but, you know,

23600:08:58,810 --> 00:09:00,209I've been making terrible


18/41

decisions all day.

23700:09:00,278 --> 00:09:01,877I really think I shouldbe sent home as well.

23800:09:01,946 --> 00:09:03,179Jimmy, you're gonnaneed to call a parent

23900:09:03,247 --> 00:09:04,487and have them come pick you up.

24000:09:04,549 --> 00:09:06,349I think I should just, like,

hop on right after Jimmy.

24100:09:06,418 --> 00:09:08,050We have the same mom, you know.

24200:09:08,119 --> 00:09:09,852I don't want her tohave to make two trips.

24300:09:09,921 --> 00:09:12,087

I'm dealing with youon an individual basis.

24400:09:12,156 --> 00:09:13,388Hello! Mother.

24500:09:13,457 --> 00:09:15,957It is me, your son Jimmy.

24600:09:16,026 --> 00:09:17,526No, sweetie, this is Aunt Jodi.

24700:09:17,594 --> 00:09:18,627You got the wrong number.

24800:09:18,696 --> 00:09:19,961No, I didn't.

24900:09:20,030 --> 00:09:23,198

Uh, you need to comepick me up from my school.


19/41

25000:09:23,266 --> 00:09:25,434I got suspended...

25100:09:25,502 --> 00:09:27,369But I also have the $20 that I owe you.

25200:09:27,438 --> 00:09:29,371Well, I think you owe me $40.

25300:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,772Okay, that's fine,

25400:09:31,841 --> 00:09:33,006but I will remember that

25500:09:33,075 --> 00:09:34,915the next time you callme, drunk, from sizzler.

25600:09:37,547 --> 00:09:38,979My...

25700:09:39,048 --> 00:09:41,649Birth Mother is coming.

25800:09:43,152 --> 00:09:44,785That's right, and also mine.

25900:09:44,854 --> 00:09:46,821So I'm just gonna go aheadand skedaddle with him.

26000:09:46,889 --> 00:09:47,987Okay?

26100:09:48,056 --> 00:09:49,789Nope, Kenny, you're not in trouble.

26200:09:49,858 --> 00:09:50,858What?

26300:09:50,892 --> 00:09:52,258No, I said a banned word,

26400:09:52,327 --> 00:09:54,627


20/41

and I spread that rumorabout a very nice girl

26500:09:54,696 --> 00:09:56,396who just wants to distribute funds

26600:09:56,465 --> 00:09:57,897and record expenditures.

26700:09:57,966 --> 00:09:59,332Hurting people's feelings

26800:09:59,401 --> 00:10:01,601is not punishable at this school.

26900:10:01,670 --> 00:10:03,503Well, it should be.

27000:10:03,572 --> 00:10:06,171Yeah, and that tieyou're wearing is awful.

27100:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,840I'm a vice principal.

27200:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,275Everything about my life is awful.

27300:10:10,344 --> 00:10:12,244Mm!

27400:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,813Okay, so we have the floral settee,

27500:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,916two wall sconces,three-piece vanity set.

27600:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,084Great choices, Eileen.

27700:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,185Hey, what do you think about this mug?

27800:10:20,254 --> 00:10:21,652Uh, that's mine.


21/41

27900:10:21,721 --> 00:10:22,854Were you in our break room?

28000:10:22,922 --> 00:10:25,189

You know, it would really help out a lot

28100:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,658if there were labels for the sections

28200:10:27,727 --> 00:10:30,027that you have... golf, tennis...

28300:10:30,096 --> 00:10:31,629

Break room.

28400:10:31,698 --> 00:10:33,330Was it a "yay" or "nay"on... definitely "yay."

28500:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,199Wait a minute. Whatis happening here? Yay.

286

00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,268What? We don't need all of this.

28700:10:37,336 --> 00:10:38,835Yes, we do.

28800:10:38,904 --> 00:10:40,437We are furnishing our bonus room,

28900:10:40,506 --> 00:10:42,639which is doubling as a guest room.

29000:10:42,708 --> 00:10:44,007For when the twins visit from Alberta.

29100:10:44,075 --> 00:10:47,711Right. They need a placethat feels like home.

292

00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,179Cheryl, could you giveus a minute, please?


22/41

29300:10:53,051 --> 00:10:54,951Canadian twins?

29400:10:55,020 --> 00:10:56,420

Eileen, what are you talking about?

29500:10:56,421 --> 00:10:58,287We're supposed to be lyingto save a little bit of money,

29600:10:58,355 --> 00:11:00,456and now we're getting all thiscrap that we don't even need.

29700:11:00,525 --> 00:11:01,657I had to make something up

29800:11:01,726 --> 00:11:03,191before you jumped inand told her the truth.

29900:11:03,260 --> 00:11:04,794But why are we even lying?

30000:11:04,862 --> 00:11:05,928All we need is a couch.

30100:11:05,996 --> 00:11:07,996Just tell her that we need a couch.

30200:11:08,065 --> 00:11:09,505You don't understand how this works.

30300:11:09,534 --> 00:11:10,966You're right. I don'tknow how this works.

30400:11:11,035 --> 00:11:12,967I don't even know whatany of this is. A sconce?

30500:11:13,036 --> 00:11:14,168Look, if this is the type of help

30600:11:14,237 --> 00:11:15,670


23/41

that you're here togive me, I don't want it.

30700:11:15,739 --> 00:11:18,072I'm going home whereeverything makes sense

30800:11:18,141 --> 00:11:20,207and I can use any mug I want.

30900:11:20,276 --> 00:11:23,177You're not leaving me.Okay, honey, thanks.

31000:11:23,246 --> 00:11:26,414

I'll have a pretzel, too... with cheese!

31100:11:26,483 --> 00:11:28,817He already knows that. He's my husband.

31200:11:28,885 --> 00:11:29,817Okay.

31300:11:29,885 --> 00:11:32,085Ask Cheryl.

31400:11:36,124 --> 00:11:37,825What are you doing?

31500:11:37,893 --> 00:11:39,526I'm trying to get somebehind-the-scenes footage

31600:11:39,595 --> 00:11:41,428for the documentary I'mmaking about you in A.V. club.

31700:11:41,497 --> 00:11:43,430What? No. W-w-why?

31800:11:43,499 --> 00:11:44,998The public's clamoring for it.

31900:11:45,067 --> 00:11:46,899

You're famous now.

320


24/41

00:11:46,968 --> 00:11:48,033I already have $4,000 on Kickstarter.

32100:11:48,102 --> 00:11:49,769I do not wish to be photographed,

32200:11:49,838 --> 00:11:51,370especially under these fluorescents.

32300:11:51,439 --> 00:11:53,038This has gotten way out of control.

32400:11:53,107 --> 00:11:54,774I can't run for treasurer today.

32500:11:54,843 --> 00:11:57,176I have to figure out a wayto get kicked out of school,

32600:11:57,244 --> 00:11:58,978but how?

32700:12:10,591 --> 00:12:13,257You want to film something, Doug?

32800:12:13,326 --> 00:12:14,459Film this.

32900:12:14,528 --> 00:12:16,928Kenny Lee!

33000:12:16,997 --> 00:12:18,763Not again.

33100:12:18,832 --> 00:12:20,931I am so, so sorry!

33200:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,133I know this has been a hard day for you,

33300:12:23,202 --> 00:12:24,902but there's no other way out for me!

334

00:12:28,007 --> 00:12:29,540Oh, this is going viral.


25/41

33500:12:31,143 --> 00:12:35,746This is not whatwww.Saintbarklays.com/stucouncil

33600:12:35,815 --> 00:12:37,280

was created for.

33700:12:37,349 --> 00:12:38,815I'm sorry.

33800:12:38,884 --> 00:12:41,384I mean, like, I guess you have no choice

33900:12:41,452 --> 00:12:43,285

but to send me home, right?

34000:12:43,354 --> 00:12:44,754I mean, you said it yourself...

34100:12:44,823 --> 00:12:46,143you have a zero-tolerance policy.

34200:12:46,157 --> 00:12:47,957For regular people,

yes, but you're special,

34300:12:48,026 --> 00:12:49,959and special peopleget special treatment.

34400:12:50,028 --> 00:12:51,427Figured that one out the hard way.

34500:12:51,496 --> 00:12:54,063Are you saying you arenot going to punish me

34600:12:54,132 --> 00:12:56,131no matter what I do because I'm gay?

34700:12:56,199 --> 00:12:59,334Those are your words, not mine, but yes.

348

00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:03,071Okay. He left me nochoice... the nuclear option.


26/41

34900:13:03,140 --> 00:13:05,974VP Murray, this policy...

35000:13:06,043 --> 00:13:11,112

Is the [Bleep] [Bleep]lamest [Bleep] ass

35100:13:11,181 --> 00:13:14,015[bleep] tickling [Bleep]sucking thing I have ever heard!

35200:13:14,083 --> 00:13:16,083I love your energy!Now get back to class!

35300:13:16,152 --> 00:13:18,085[Bleep]

35400:13:18,154 --> 00:13:21,689Thanks for getting me fromschool without telling my mom.

35500:13:21,758 --> 00:13:23,323Thank you for the 50 bucks.

35600:13:23,392 --> 00:13:25,12550? You said 40.

35700:13:25,194 --> 00:13:26,226I rent the chair, Jimmy.

35800:13:26,295 --> 00:13:27,929It's either that or I give you a perm.

35900:13:27,997 --> 00:13:30,530I could rock that. CanI do shampoo tomorrow?

36000:13:30,599 --> 00:13:32,131Tomorrow you'll be at school.

36100:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,534Well, yeah, until I get busted

for beating up another kid.

362


27/41

00:13:34,603 --> 00:13:36,335Kenny's still gonna be gay tomorrow,

36300:13:36,404 --> 00:13:38,471and I'm still gonnaneed to protect him...

36400:13:38,540 --> 00:13:40,774Unless he becomes oneof those big, buff gays.

36500:13:42,277 --> 00:13:45,045Yeah, no, I'm actually... I'mgonna be doing this forever.

366

00:13:45,113 --> 00:13:46,779You can't do that forever.

36700:13:46,847 --> 00:13:48,714There's jerks everywhere.

36800:13:48,783 --> 00:13:50,263Look, the jerks are never going away.

36900:13:50,284 --> 00:13:51,684

You can't beat all of them up.

37000:13:51,752 --> 00:13:53,112I think the best way to help Kenny

37100:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,220is to let him know thatyou're there for him...

37200:13:55,289 --> 00:13:57,522And maybe use your wordsinstead of your fists.

37300:13:57,592 --> 00:14:01,159Yeah. Thanks, Aunt Jodi.

37400:14:01,228 --> 00:14:02,388And I think it's really sweet

375

00:14:02,429 --> 00:14:04,195that you want to defendyour little brother.


28/41

37600:14:04,263 --> 00:14:06,898Well, hopefully ladiesdecades younger than you

377

00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:08,265will think it's sweet, too.

37800:14:12,105 --> 00:14:14,371There you are. I'vebeen looking for you.

37900:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,640Are you sick?

38000:14:15,709 --> 00:14:18,175No. I'm watching my program.

38100:14:21,246 --> 00:14:22,512Do you do this every day?

38200:14:22,581 --> 00:14:24,047When my schedule permits

383

00:14:24,116 --> 00:14:26,049and Nurse Phyllis is feeling lonely,

38400:14:26,118 --> 00:14:27,417so, yeah, every day.

38500:14:27,486 --> 00:14:28,585And it's a commercial,

38600:14:28,654 --> 00:14:30,988so, whatever you wantedto say, do it quickly.

38700:14:31,056 --> 00:14:34,024I can't make this speech.

38800:14:34,093 --> 00:14:36,093I mean, I'm gonna go up thereand no matter what I say,

38900:14:36,161 --> 00:14:37,159they're not gonna hear it...


29/41

39000:14:37,228 --> 00:14:38,861they're just gonnathink I'm the gay kid,

391

00:14:38,930 --> 00:14:42,197you know, who started a smearcampaign about his opponent.

39200:14:42,266 --> 00:14:43,766Hey, did you know the A.V. club

39300:14:43,835 --> 00:14:45,434is making a documentary about me?

39400:14:45,503 --> 00:14:46,902Yeah. I gave a short interview.

39500:14:46,971 --> 00:14:47,971You what?

39600:14:48,006 --> 00:14:49,538I said we suspected you were gay,

397

00:14:49,607 --> 00:14:51,707but we never knew youhad this mean streak.

39800:14:51,776 --> 00:14:53,175Shannon.

39900:14:53,244 --> 00:14:55,443How did this get so out of hand?

40000:14:55,512 --> 00:14:57,245Everything I've triedjust makes it worse.

40100:14:57,313 --> 00:14:58,680I've got to get out of here.

40200:14:58,749 --> 00:14:59,749So, cut.

40300:14:59,783 --> 00:15:01,082"Cut."


30/41

40400:15:01,151 --> 00:15:03,184I've never cut school before.

40500:15:03,253 --> 00:15:05,286

You never punched anasthmatic kid before,

40600:15:05,355 --> 00:15:07,522so today's a day of firsts.

40700:15:09,793 --> 00:15:13,260Okay, here's this, andI got two more sconces

40800:15:13,328 --> 00:15:15,896that'll look fabulous oneither side of that dart board.

40900:15:15,965 --> 00:15:16,997And the couch?

41000:15:17,066 --> 00:15:18,966It'll will be here and very comfortable

41100:15:19,035 --> 00:15:20,134in six to eight weeks.

41200:15:20,202 --> 00:15:21,001What?

41300:15:21,070 --> 00:15:22,302Well, it's a custom fabric,

41400:15:22,371 --> 00:15:24,104but don't worry, thevanity is arriving tomorrow.

41500:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,773Is this how it's going to be om now on?

41600:15:25,841 --> 00:15:28,274I'm gonna have to live downhere like some little mole person

41700:15:28,342 --> 00:15:29,942


31/41

on lawn furniture because you don't want

41800:15:29,978 --> 00:15:31,178to tell the truth to strangers?

419

00:15:31,179 --> 00:15:33,212Look, you know I don't like to lie,

42000:15:33,281 --> 00:15:34,714but what I like even less

42100:15:34,783 --> 00:15:37,383is having people talkingabout me and judging me.

42200:15:37,451 --> 00:15:40,153Oh, Eileen, the onlyperson judging you is you.

42300:15:40,221 --> 00:15:42,055I mean, what even is this?

42400:15:42,123 --> 00:15:44,723I don't know. I don'tknow what I'm doing!

42500:15:44,792 --> 00:15:48,326I just bought this bowlfull of useless balls,

42600:15:48,395 --> 00:15:51,163and I paid full price, and it's hideous!

42700:15:53,366 --> 00:15:54,766Well

42800:15:54,835 --> 00:15:57,268Well, I could've used the bowl...

42900:15:57,337 --> 00:15:59,304For c-chips or something.

43000:15:59,372 --> 00:16:01,272We just walked right out of school,

43100:16:01,341 --> 00:16:02,606


32/41

and no one arrested us.

43200:16:02,675 --> 00:16:03,675- Shh.- Sorry.

43300:16:03,710 --> 00:16:05,810Um, why have I never done this before?

43400:16:05,878 --> 00:16:07,311Keep it together, Kenny.

43500:16:07,379 --> 00:16:08,813We're gonna hang out in thebasement until school is over,

43600:16:08,881 --> 00:16:10,447then we're gonna go inthrough the front door.

43700:16:10,516 --> 00:16:11,682If they catch us any earlier,

43800:16:11,751 --> 00:16:13,250we'll say we got sent home for lice.

43900:16:13,319 --> 00:16:14,418What if they check us for lice?

44000:16:14,486 --> 00:16:16,821What?

44100:16:16,889 --> 00:16:19,622You keep an emergency bagof lice in your pocket?

44200:16:19,691 --> 00:16:21,257This isn't a game, Kenny.

44300:16:22,327 --> 00:16:23,626Who are you?

44400:16:25,363 --> 00:16:28,198I can totally see why people

get seduced into a life of crime.

445


33/41

00:16:28,266 --> 00:16:29,999Breaking the rules is so fun!

44600:16:30,068 --> 00:16:31,267What the hell are you doing here?

44700:16:31,336 --> 00:16:32,336Aah!

44800:16:32,337 --> 00:16:33,669Shannon made me cut school!

44900:16:33,739 --> 00:16:35,538We got sent home for lice.

45000:16:35,607 --> 00:16:37,873This is why I work alone.

45100:16:38,993 --> 00:16:40,073Why aren't you in school?

45200:16:40,194 --> 00:16:42,218I'm sticking with the licething all the way to the end.

45300:16:42,219 --> 00:16:43,318I have had a day from hell,

45400:16:43,433 --> 00:16:44,576and I am not going back to school

45500:16:44,711 --> 00:16:45,775to stand in front of an auditorium

45600:16:45,776 --> 00:16:48,321filled with people togive my treasurer speech.

45700:16:48,322 --> 00:16:50,264I can't stand them lookingat me and judging me!

45800:16:50,333 --> 00:16:52,333I totally get it.

45900:16:52,401 --> 00:16:54,168


34/41

You and I will live in the basement.

46000:16:54,236 --> 00:16:56,736We'll order from Amazon Fresh,and I'll home school you.

46100:16:56,805 --> 00:16:59,440I've got a beautiful setteecoming in six to eight weeks.

46200:16:59,508 --> 00:17:01,708No. That is not how weare going to handle this.

46300:17:01,777 --> 00:17:04,445

Now, look, I might notknow where to buy a couch

46400:17:04,513 --> 00:17:05,811or what a sconce does,

46500:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,848but I do know a littlesomething about feeling ashamed,

466

00:17:08,916 --> 00:17:11,550and hiding out down hereand lying to salespeople

46700:17:11,619 --> 00:17:14,854to avoid their judgment isnot a solution to anything.

46800:17:14,922 --> 00:17:17,390A little something you guysdon't know about dear old dad...

46900:17:17,459 --> 00:17:21,127back in high school, kidsused to call me "Fatty Patty."

47000:17:21,196 --> 00:17:22,461Why?

47100:17:22,529 --> 00:17:23,895

Because I was fat.

472


35/41

00:17:23,964 --> 00:17:25,130Oh.

47300:17:25,199 --> 00:17:28,400Anyway, the worst part of it

47400:17:28,469 --> 00:17:29,834was that I loved to swim,

47500:17:29,903 --> 00:17:32,471but I refused to get intoswim trunks in front of anyone.

47600:17:32,539 --> 00:17:33,905The names kept coming.

47700:17:33,974 --> 00:17:35,474- Porky Patty?- Piggy Patty?

47800:17:35,542 --> 00:17:37,909Yes, like that.

47900:17:37,978 --> 00:17:39,243My point is...

48000:17:39,312 --> 00:17:40,592Patrick O'Besity.

48100:17:40,613 --> 00:17:42,546Fat Sajak! I knew I had one.

48200:17:44,317 --> 00:17:46,450Eventually, though,I just said screw it.

48300:17:46,519 --> 00:17:48,419I'm gonna swim. I don't carewhat anybody says about it.

48400:17:48,488 --> 00:17:49,953And you know what I did? I swam.

48500:17:50,023 --> 00:17:51,622

Every day. And guess what happened?

486


36/41

00:17:51,690 --> 00:17:53,491Swimming is how I lost the weight.

48700:17:53,559 --> 00:17:58,128Okay, um, if you'resuggesting I start swimming,

48800:17:58,196 --> 00:18:00,763I'm a little afraid that mightfuel the fire of some rumors

48900:18:00,832 --> 00:18:02,999that I may or may nothave started about myself.

490

00:18:03,068 --> 00:18:05,502What I'm saying is that whatpeople think or say about you

49100:18:05,570 --> 00:18:07,637shouldn't stop you fromdoing what you love...

49200:18:07,705 --> 00:18:09,039like being treasurer.

49300:18:09,107 --> 00:18:12,142Yeah, don't let being gaystop you from being lame.

49400:18:12,210 --> 00:18:14,309I think your father's right.

49500:18:14,378 --> 00:18:15,444You do?

49600:18:15,513 --> 00:18:17,346Just take it, pat.

49700:18:19,216 --> 00:18:22,151Okay, dad.

49800:18:22,219 --> 00:18:27,423I guess, because you werefat, I'll go back to school.

49900:18:27,491 --> 00:18:28,790


37/41

Thanks, son.

50000:18:28,859 --> 00:18:30,258And what was your plan, anyway?

501

00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,360I don't know, I figured I'd drop out,

50200:18:32,429 --> 00:18:34,862get my D.E.D., go to community college.

50300:18:34,931 --> 00:18:37,331No son of mine who's not Jimmyis going to community college.

50400:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,033That's fair.

50500:18:39,102 --> 00:18:42,503And I hope you'll votefor me for treasurer,

50600:18:42,572 --> 00:18:45,406because I would really treasure it.

50700:18:50,045 --> 00:18:53,880Thank you, Madison. That was... Long.

50800:18:53,949 --> 00:18:57,350Uh, next we have Kenny O'Neal,

50900:18:57,419 --> 00:19:01,088a very special student whois just like everyone else,

51000:19:01,156 --> 00:19:03,523except for one glaring difference

51100:19:03,592 --> 00:19:05,891which I'm not allowed to talk about.

51200:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,326Kenny O'Neal.

51300:19:11,632 --> 00:19:12,998Hi.


38/41

51400:19:13,067 --> 00:19:15,401Uh, I am Kenny O'neal.

51500:19:15,470 --> 00:19:19,405

You may have heard somethings about me today.

51600:19:19,474 --> 00:19:21,672Uh, some of them are true.

51700:19:21,741 --> 00:19:23,274Most of them are not.

518

00:19:23,343 --> 00:19:27,278Some of them may remind you ofa "Pretty Little Liars" episode.

51900:19:27,347 --> 00:19:31,849Um, this morning...

52000:19:31,918 --> 00:19:34,919I gave myself an ugly, ugly label

521

00:19:34,988 --> 00:19:37,589because I was afraid that...

52200:19:37,657 --> 00:19:42,326One of you was goingto give it to me first.

52300:19:46,932 --> 00:19:49,032Um, but the only F-word

52400:19:49,101 --> 00:19:52,569I want to be associatedwith is "Fiscal,"

52500:19:52,638 --> 00:19:54,771because I am fiscally responsible

52600:19:54,840 --> 00:19:58,040and I'd love for you tocall me your treasurer.

52700:19:58,109 --> 00:20:00,376


39/41

I have something to say!

52800:20:01,212 --> 00:20:03,579My brother is gay,

529

00:20:03,648 --> 00:20:04,880and I love him.

53000:20:04,949 --> 00:20:06,189And I just want him to know it.

53100:20:06,217 --> 00:20:07,416Okay, thank you, Jimmy.

532

00:20:07,485 --> 00:20:09,452- And I accept you for who you are.- Okay.

53300:20:09,521 --> 00:20:13,255And for whatever parts ondudes' bodies that you're into.

53400:20:13,323 --> 00:20:15,590Okay, this seems like aone-on-one conversation, Jimmy,

53500:20:15,659 --> 00:20:17,039that we could, youknow, be having later.

53600:20:17,064 --> 00:20:17,499Yes.

53700:20:17,528 --> 00:20:19,494Well vote for Kenny...

53800:20:19,563 --> 00:20:23,131For whatever it is that he's doing,

53900:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,360'cause I know he's good at it.

54000:20:24,368 --> 00:20:28,069And just to be clear,

I am still not gay.

541


40/41

00:20:28,138 --> 00:20:30,504Madison? What's up?

54200:20:30,573 --> 00:20:31,573Sit down, Jimmy.

54300:20:31,607 --> 00:20:33,641Yes, yep. I'm gonna... I'm going.

54400:20:33,709 --> 00:20:35,842Oh, I'd also very much liketo apologize to Kenny Lee.

54500:20:37,513 --> 00:20:38,912Okay. I see we're not there yet,

54600:20:38,981 --> 00:20:40,581but we'll get to forgiveness, Kenny Lee.

54700:20:41,431 --> 00:20:44,662What is the differencebetween a regular crime

54800:20:44,730 --> 00:20:45,562and a hate crime?

54900:20:45,631 --> 00:20:46,964Well, that's a great question.

55000:20:47,033 --> 00:20:51,368Um, as all crimes are based in hate,

55100:20:51,437 --> 00:20:55,639therefore... I do notknow the difference.

55200:20:55,708 --> 00:20:59,475Well, of course, there are...there are crimes of passion.

55300:20:59,544 --> 00:21:01,611Ooh, love crimes.

55400:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,714

Yeah, well, my ex-wife performedseveral love crimes on me


41/41

55500:21:04,783 --> 00:21:06,216during our marriage,

55600:21:06,285 --> 00:21:08,685which is why we always

had a safe-word...

55700:21:08,753 --> 00:21:09,552nah, I've said too much.

55800:21:09,621 --> 00:21:10,621No, no. Go on.

55900:21:10,689 --> 00:21:11,955

Please, tell me more.

56000:21:12,024 --> 00:21:14,323Well, we had, uh,

56100:21:14,391 --> 00:21:17,125you know those sleep-number mattresses?

56200:21:17,242 --> 00:21:20,520- Right.

- So, I'm a six, okay?

56300:21:20,655 --> 00:21:23,469Synced and corrected by VitoSilans- www.Addic7ed.com -

The Real O'Neals 1x04 - The Real F Word

Documents

Transcript of The Real O'Neals 1x04 - The Real F Word