The Pulse - Vol. 6, Issue 28

VIOLENT SUMMER • FANTASY ART • WINDOWS ON THE WESTVIOLENT SUMMER • FANTASY ART • WINDOWS ON THE WEST

News, Views, Arts & Entertainment • July 9 - 15, 2009 • Volume 6, Issue 28 • www.chattanoogapulse.com • pulse news 95.3 WPLZ

by Hellcat

The The Good, Good, the the BadBad and and

the the SoundSound

CONTENTST H E P U L S E • C H AT TA N O O G A , T E N N E S S E E • J U LY 9 , 2 0 0 9 • V O L U M E 6 , I S S U E 2 8

COVER STORY page 11

Cover photograph by Damien Power

ARTS & FEATURES

NEWS & VIEWS5 PULSE BEATSThe newsy, notable and notorious.

14 SHRINK RAPDown with perfection!

19 LIFE IN THE NOOGThe week Chuck's childhood died.

21 ON THE BEAT Sleeping like babies.

22 SHADES OF GREENGreen rallying call to Generation Y.

27 ASK A MEXICANWhat's in a Mexican name?

8 BEYOND THE HEADLINES By Gary PooleNine shootings. Four weeks. This level of gun violence has not been seen in Chattanooga in such a short period of time in decades. And people are starting to demand answers of law enforcement and local leaders.

16 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT By Michael Crumb“Window on the West”, currently at the Hunter Museum, exemplifi es the complexities of an excellent collection focused on the diversity of artists’ experiences west of the Mississippi.

18 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT By Michael CrumbFantasy art seeks out new concepts, implementing them into often-gorgeous presentations. This wellspring of imaginative exploration provides relevance on many levels.

20 FILM FEATURE By Damien PowerBrüno, like Borat before him, plays both sides of the fence. Half of the movie is comedic dramatization, the other half pseudo-documentary-style reality.

The entire contents of this publication are copyrighted and property of Brewer Media Group. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publishers. The Pulse utilizes freelance writers and the views expressed within this publication are not necessarily the views of the publishers or editors. The Pulse takes no responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or other materials.

THE GOOD, THE BAND AND THE SOUNDBy HellcatWe asked our music contributor, Hellcat, to give us her take on the local music scene—what’s up with the venues, bands and fans. She says, “Opinions expressed below are gathered from my own experi-ences and the interviewing and pestering of many local musicians and music lovers over the last month. Don’t hate.”

4 EDITOON 4 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR 5 CITY COUNCILSCOPE6 THE LIST6 POLICE BLOTTER 6 CHATTANOOGA STREET SCENES

17 A&E CALENDAR24 MUSIC CALENDAR 25 NEW MUSIC REVIEWS28 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY 29 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

The Pulse 7.9.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News4

Fantastic CFC ArticleI’ve read every article about

Chattanooga FC there is [“Futbol Fever Heats Up Chattanooga”]. Believe me I have. And this was defi nitely the best by far.Banner BrockChattanooga

Ready For Some FutbolThis is exciting news. Real

“football” is the best sport ever. Unfortunately in the States it is still well behind but hopefully catching up.

I hope Chattanooga FC will grow and build a large fan community. Maybe one day we will see a Chattanoogan in the US National team. Yeah, I know it’s a dream but no one knows.George DaoudChattanooga

Appreciate The CoverageWell done, Pulse! Props to you guys

for covering an “alternative” sport in such a prominent place. The soccer enthusiast community thanks you.Sheldon GrizzleChattanooga Football Club

Freedom For GunsI think it’s pretty clear one human

being needs to take this article [“Guns in Restaurants. Guns in Bars.”, On The Beat] to the Council members, then the Chief of Staff and Mayor to give them the option of hitting the ‘reset button’ in the back of their heads, just as when a desktop computer goes sort of awry without really realizing it and it awakens to a fresh new perspective. The author is a crazy as a loon, but there is a kernel of serious truth in that message that our elected offi cials had better not forget. This town is being pushed by

taxes and teases, and may make some headlines of its own in the way neither Ron nor VW would appreciate. Commonsense works. Use it...or it will use you, electorate neophytes.C.W. JoelChattanooga

War On Drugs ContinuesAfter the City Council years

ago passed a law forbidding the consumption of alcohol in public places, cops spent an inordinate amount of time arresting men on street corners, since “the corner” is, was and always will be the poor man’s lounge [“ Is It Time To End The War On Drugs?”]. But somewhere back in the ’50s, there was a small moment of genius by some nameless smokehound who comes out of a cut-rate one day and on his way to the corner, slips that just-bought pint of elderberry into a paper bag. A great moment of civic compromise. That small wrinkled-ass paper bag allowed the corner boys to drink in peace while giving us permission to go do police work. There’s never been a paper bag for drugs.Bunny ColvinChattanooga

Letters to the Editor

by Rick BaldwinEditoon

PublisherZachary Cooper

[email protected]

Contributing EditorJanis Hashe

[email protected]

News Editor/Art DirectorGary Poole

[email protected]

Advertising SalesRick Leavell

[email protected] Sawyer

[email protected]

Contributing WritersGustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny

Elizabeth CrenshawChuck Crowder, Michael Crumb

Rebecca Cruz, HellcatPhillip Johnston, Matt JonesJeremy Lawrence, Louis LeeKelly Lockhart, Ernie PaikRick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.

Damien Power, Stephanie SmithAlex Teach

Editorial InternErica Tuggle

Editorial CartoonistRick Baldwin

Art DepartmentSharon Chambers

Kathryn DunnKelly Lockhart Damien Power

Art InternMegan Humble

Staff PhotographerDamien Power

Contributing PhotographersBob Edens

Joshua LangRay Soldano

Michael Turner

Contact Info:Phone

(423) 648-7857Fax

(423) 648-7860E-mail

[email protected]

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95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 7.9.09 The Pulse 5

PulseBeats

Quote Of The Week:

“I suppose that if there is magic on earth, it is in the sea. There has been a long and historical connection between men and the sea.”

— General Sessions Court Judge Bob Moon, whose poetry has been featured on The Deadliest Catch television program.

A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

The Spirit of ’76 Alive and Well

EPB Launches Power Share Fan Fund To Help Customers Beat The Heat

Here is one of the more interesting agenda items set to be discussed

at the July 14 meeting of the Chattanooga City Council.

The Chattanooga City Council meets each Tuesday at 6 p.m. in the City Council Building at 1000 Lindsay St. For more information on the agendas, visit www.Chattanooga.gov/City_Council/110_Agenda.asp

6. Ordinances – First Reading:

a) An ordinance to amend Chattanooga City Code, Part II, Chapter 38, Zon-ing Ordinance, Section 38-228, by deleting sub-sections (2), (3), and (4) and renumbering the remaining subsections.

Section 38-228 of the Zon-ing Ordinance relates to minimum yard and landscaping requirements; maintenance of visibility at access points; relation of yards to turnout and merging lane. Back on April 17, 2007, the council approved an ordi-nance that added the following:

(2) A side yard of not less than ten (10) feet shall be provided where a permitted use adjoins a residen-tial zone.(3) There shall be a rear yard of not less than twenty-fi ve (25) feet where the permitted use adjoins a residential zone or an M-1 Zone.(4) Other than as provided above, no additional front, rear, or side yards are required, but where buildings are separated, the dis-tance between them shall be at least ten (10) feet.

Now, they want to do away with the above three sections, which would allow a number of smaller lots to not have to set aside ten feet on each side of the house, or have a 25-foot minimum-size back yard.

While this may seem desirable to developers, one wonders if prospec-tive homeowners would be interest-ed in buying a house that butts right up against the next-door neighbor and/or only has a postage-stamp-sized backyard.

America turned 233 years old this past weekend. And her inhabitants threw her an appropriate birthday bash. Hot dogs and hamburgers were grilled. Watermelons and homemade ice cream were consumed. And fi reworks were lit and enjoyed. Boy, were they ever.

Driving around the Tennessee Valley, it was easy to see the pride Americans still have in their country. Sure, some folks just like to blow stuff up, but there’s a certain sense of satisfaction knowing the fi reworks symbolize the rocket’s red glare mentioned in our national anthem.

Just about every community in this area has its own celebration. Usually a fi reworks display is accompanied by a musical concert, a car show, a community picnic or something else…but there are always fi reworks. And the fi reworks aren’t limited to big professional shows.

The counties surrounding Chattanooga are teeming with fi reworks retailers. Some are permanent establishments that can be found at strategic interstate exits. Others pop up twice a year in tents along smaller highways in the county areas. One of those temporary fi reworks stands set up shop on June 22 along Stuart Road in Cleveland.

“It was good…it was a good year,” says Raymond Simpson. He manages the tent stand and says he did a little less business than last year, but that his sales were still strong. Even in a bad economy, people will buy fi reworks. Simpson tells The Pulse that the biggest sellers this year were the big shots. “Mostly the aerial stuff,” explains Simpson, “500-gram cakes and artillery tubes—and then, of course, the traditional bottle rockets, sparklers and stuff.”

“I like the aerial displays, so that’s what I buy,” admits one shopper who asked not to be identifi ed. “I just spent about $200 on fi reworks and my wife would kill me if she knew.” Of the $200

by Louis Lee

purchase, there were no fi recrackers or smoke bombs. Only serious aerial displays, the kind that shoot up high in the air and explode into beautiful, colorful starbursts.

“I’ve always shot off fi reworks for the Fourth,” continues the shopper. “I’m a veteran, so I hold Independence Day very dear to my heart. I don’t take our country for granted, and whenever the Fourth of July rolls around, I make sure I celebrate.” The shopper had his son with him, sworn to secrecy concerning the amount of the purchase.

The 12-year-old shares his father’s reverence for the day, even though he admits that any excuse to shoot off fi reworks is a good one. “Dad has always told me about the Declaration and the Constitution and all that stuff,” says the boy. “He wants to make sure I know what this country is all about and why we should be proud of it.”

The spirit shown by the father-son is indicative of a general feeling of pride shared by many in the Tennessee Valley this year. Despite a down economy, customers still lined up to buy their favorite pyrotechnic.

EPB launched its Power Share Fan Fund program to help customers throughout the community beat the heat this summer. In partnership with local ACE Hardware stores, EPB will collect donations from customers for the purchase of fans and then distribute fans to those in need throughout the month of July. EPB is also encouraging community members in need to apply for a free fan by calling United Way’s 2-1-1 at (423) 265-8000.

“The summer heat can be danger-ous for those without central air,” says EPB’s Karen Thomas, Senior Manager of Customer Service. “But with the generous donations from customers and the help of ACE Hardware, United Way, and our own

employee volunteers, we hope to make a difference for those in need and help keep them safe this sum-mer.”

Those interested can make cash donations at any Chattanooga ACE Hardware location, where collec-tion cans will be located at each cash register. EPB will be collecting dona-tions at the Chattanooga Market on Sunday, July 5, and Sunday, July 19, as well as at any of the three EPB of-fi ce locations:

• Downtown - 10 West M.L. King Blvd.• Brainerd - 5830 Brainerd Road• Hixson - 2124 Northpoint Blvd.For more information or ques-

tions on how to help, call the Electric Power Board at (423) 648-1EPB.


• Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays postal couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds…especially when they are delivering marijuana. A Collegedale man learned to his dismay that having someone mail him 15 pounds of pot through the regular mail is not a reliable method of drug transport. The postal service, working with Hamilton County deputies and Collegedale offi cers, set up a controlled delivery of the package, which had been detected during transport. The 25-year-old man was arrested and charged with possession of marijuana for resale, along with having several fi rearms, drug paraphernalia and his 1984 BMW seized by agents.

• It’s been said that many people turn to a life of crime because they are too lazy to work for a living. Some, however, are so lazy they can’t even be bothered to get out of their car

when trying to rob a bank. A man drove up to a bank branch in South Pittsburg and sent in a note claiming to have a bomb that would go off in 30 seconds unless they gave him all the money they had. Instead, the teller left the window, which caused the man to drive off. Police caught him a few minutes later with a sawed-off shotgun and a suitcase in his possession that not only didn’t contain a bomb, but was in fact completely empty. He was arrested and charged with attempted bank robbery.

• Some people just really, really do not want to be in jail. During the booking of a Dade County man on a parole violation, he managed to climb through a ceiling vent, make his way to the transfer station and steal one of the county vehicles. He crashed through a fence and then led police on a high-speed chase, managing to escape into a heavily wooded area, where he stayed for nearly two days before fi nally turning himself in. He is back in jail—under much closer observation this time—and is being booked on numerous extra charges relating to his escape.

• The Georgia Bureau of Investigation wants to make sure you don’t become a crime victim just by reading your e-mail. They warn that an e-mail is making the rounds that contains a virus embedded in a video of child porn. The video is around six minutes long and shows a man having sex with a very young girl. The GBI says you shouldn’t open an e-mail that reads “Very disturbing…Take care of your kids.” They also said that since a virus is involved, it could come from someone you know who is unaware they are sending it—a very common tactic used by spammers and hackers.

Chattanooga Street Scenes

A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned

from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s

Offi ce, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

Photo by Michael Turner

An African Crane shows off at the Chattanooga Zoo.

The Wonderful Health Benefi ts of Sex

1. Sex Relieves Stress. Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.

2. Sex Boosts Immunity. Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections.

3. Sex Burns Calories. Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound.

4. Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health. In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, scientists found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke in the 914 men they followed for 20 years.

5. Sex Boosts Self-Esteem. Boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons people have sex, collected by University of Texas researchers and published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

6. Sex Improves Intimacy. Having sex and orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps us bond and build trust.

7. Sex Reduces Pain. As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines.

8. Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk. Frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life.

Source: webmd.com


BeyondTheHeadlines

Is This Chattanooga Or Dodge City?by Gary Poole

Late Saturday night, a group of teenagers were gathered in a parking lot near a popular music venue. It’s summer, there’s no school, and the venue caters to teens with a no-smoking/no-alcohol policy. What should be a safe place for teens to hang out turned into a nightmare when the teens noticed a white vehicle circling the lot slowly.

Suddenly, shots rang out and as the teens scattered to avoid the gunfi re, a 15-year-old was shot in the chest. Then, to make matters even worse, a friend of the victim was in the process of transporting the victim to the hospital when they were involved in a head-on collision.

Just a few days earlier, another 15-year-old was shot and killed by a Housing Authority police offi cer when he, according to authorities, did not obey orders from the offi cer to drop his weapon and paid the ultimate price for his bad decision.

Lt. Erik Reeves was on bike patrol around 8:40 p.m. in Eastlake Courts when he heard shots fi red by what sounded like at least two different guns. He abandoned his bike to investigate when

he came upon two men in a dispute. Upon seeing Reeves, the two attempted to run into a nearby apartment but couldn’t gain entry.

At that time, Reeves noticed that one of the suspects had a gun. He gave repeated commands to drop the gun, but the suspect instead raised his gun, causing Reeves to fi re at him, striking him in the mid-back. The suspect, 15-year-old Alonzo O’Kelley Jr., was taken to Erlanger Hospital where he died of a single gunshot wound to the upper body. Another juvenile was taken into custody immediately after the shooting and is believed to be connected to the initial incident.

According to investigators with the Chattanooga Police Department, O’Kelley and another juvenile were involved in a shooting incident on 4th Avenue with multiple occupants of two vehicles just before Lt. Reeves encountered

them. With the latest shootings, the tally of people

shot in Chattanooga over the past four weeks stands at nine. Nine shootings. Four weeks. This level of gun violence has not been seen in Chattanooga in such a short period of time in decades. And people are starting to demand answers of law enforcement and local leaders before Chattanooga turns into the Dodge City of the South.

The biggest question is what has led to this unprecedented violence. Back on June 9, offi cers from multiple agencies made a major round-up of known gang members, leading to the arrest of 47 on federal charges. The arrests, announced the day of the Bessie Smith Strut, were in response to an upswing of gang-related violence over the previous few months and several other shooting

“Nine shootings. Four weeks. This level of gun violence has not been seen in Chattanooga in such a short period of time in decades.”


incidents. It was hoped at the time that the arrests would put a damper on gang activity and gang violence.

“Chattanooga and the surrounding areas have been plagued by gang activity and gang violence,” U.S. Attorney Russ Dedrick said at the time. “This cooperative endeavor between federal, state and local authorities will assist in the effort to curtail gang activity.”

However, it now appears that such hopes were not to come to fruition. In fact, just the opposite appears to be happening, as the vast majority of those who were arrested in the sweep were senior members of the various gangs known to be operating in Chattanooga. With the leadership of the gangs behind bars on federal charges, and little likelihood they will be returning to the streets anytime soon, less senior members of the gangs apparently began fi ghting among themselves over leadership and dominance.

Add into the mix the fact that without experienced leadership, many of the gangs saw an opportunity to expand their territories or grab a larger slice of the illegal drug trade in the city. While all of the recent shootings are still under investigation, which prevents law enforcement from commenting on them directly, it is acknowledged that a high percentage of the incidents are indeed gang- and/or drug-related. Offi cers who work directly on the streets in the high-crime areas are

patrolling constantly in an effort to be as visible as possible, as well as to be able to respond quickly to any other acts of violence.

However, the problem of the increased violence cannot be laid at the feet of local law enforcement. They are doing the best that they can—in many cases working above and beyond the call of duty—to try and keep the rest of the city safe from the gangs and the violence surrounding the drug trade. But

it’s like asking a bandage to prevent the wound from happening. Police can only respond to the violence; they are in most cases powerless to prevent the root causes that lead to kids joining gangs and turning to crime in the fi rst place.

It would be nice to be able to wave a magic wand and fi nd immediate solutions to the problem of gangs, but there are no easy solutions. It is going to require a tremendous effort between police, politicians, business owners, educators and regular citizens before anything can truly be done to address the problem. Until then, we can only hope and pray that no more children end up dead on our city streets.

BeyondTheHeadlines

“Police can only respond to the violence; they are in most cases powerless

to prevent the root causes that lead to kids

joining gangs.”


Editor’s note: We asked our music contributor, Hellcat, to give us her take on the local music scene—what’s up with the venues, bands and fans. She says, “Opinions expressed below are gathered from my own experiences and the interviewing and pestering of many local musicians and music lovers over the last month. Don’t hate.”

Rhythm & Brews Rhythm & Brews The Goods: Great sound and Doug.

Great stage. The general “pro” feeling is there for many of the musicians I interviewed. It is a venue. Period. It is not a bar or restaurant trying to be a venue. No band = Not open. It has more space than most of the venues in town, and balcony seating. It catches most of the national acts that come through, while giving local favorites a hot spot as well. Full bar. Smoking and nonsmoking shows.

The Bads: It is a business, like most places, but due to the size it cannot give many weekend slots away to local bands, unless the draw is considerable. Unfortunately for some, and fortunately for others, the considerable draw at this venue leans toward big cover bands.

The Sounds: National, regional, local. Recently: Lucero, Dinosaur Jr., Reverend Horton Heat, as well as local bands Up with the Joneses, The Bohannons, Eris and The Tammys.

Cover Story

The Good, The Bad and the Sound

Story by HellcatPhotos by Damien Power

A look inside the state of the local music scene

“It is a venue. Period. It is not a bar or restaurant trying to be a venue. No band = Not open."


JJ’s BohemiaJJ’s BohemiaThe Goods: Owners John and Jenny are

amazing. They have gone out of their way to give good out-of-town bands a shot and have given many local musicians a place to call home. Great and loyal crowd—that’s pretty much built-in. Diverse booking. Punk, indie, experimental, Celtic, acoustic, metal, pop, rock, etc. can all be heard here. Back patio that has recently almost doubled in size (taking over Caffeine‘s back deck), which adds to the possible capacity. It has an energy as good as its taste in music. In-house sound and stage. Helps our local musicians get show swaps, when possible. Good beer. Smoking.

The Bads: It is a bit small, and can’t house the

capacity demands of some bigger bands. When the show is really awesome, you know it, mainly because you are standing on someone. It can get smoky.

The Sounds: National, regional, local. Recently: Dead Confederate, Paleface, The Queers, Cutthroat Shamrock, Middlemen, The Protomen. Locals: Coral Castles, The Distribution, Night of the Wolf, Moonlight Bride, The Nim Nims. Actually, all the good local bands get their turn.

Ziggy’s HideawayZiggy’s HideawayThe Goods: It has given many bands an

opportunity to play out. You do not need an extended resume to play here, which is good for those starting out and developing a fan base. Also,

it houses a variety of music that other venues don’t entertain. Such as: anything with “core” at the end of it. An easy in for traveling bands. Beer bar with a brown-bag policy and a liquor store conveniently located next door. Smoking allowed.

The Bads: While you are bringing your own liquor, bring your own sound equipment. It has a truck-stop-bar feel to it.

The Sounds: Mostly local and some traveling bands. Open to all kinds, from scream-death-metal-core to country/western and acoustic. Recently: 40-oz Folklore, Coathanger Abortion, Stoneline.

Market Street TavernMarket Street TavernThe Goods: Great food. Great owners. Cool

place. Full bar. No smoking inside, with outside seating for those who want to smoke. In-house PA. Diverse booking. Avid supporters of local music. Outside pavilion that has catered to many outside music events. Cool spot for after a Friday night Nightfall show.

The Bads: Was not built with music in mind, therefore some louder bands can become pretty overwhelming inside. Venue, restaurant, and bar all rolled up into one, which can leave the band trying play over the bar crowd.

The Sounds: Jazz every Wednesday. Mainly regional and local acts, some national. Roger Alan Wade, Seabird, Cabin, DubConscious, and Land Camera, among many others, have graced this place one way or another.

Tremont TavernTremont TavernThe Goods: Burgers and beers. Great open mic

night. PA access. No smoking inside. Loyal and steady crowd.

The Bads: Tiny space to fi t more than a one-to-three-piece act. No stage.

The Sounds: Mainly local with some intermittent regional acts. Noah Collins, Tim Cofi eld, Matt Bohannon, Tj Greever, Leticia Wolf,

and Channing Wilson are a few of the reoccurring acoustic heavyweights.

Club Fathom Club Fathom The Goods: All ages, no booze, no

smokes. Nice stage, sound and space. Finally, a venue for the kids and tweens!

The Bads: All ages, no booze, no smokes. Kids and tweens in a venue doesn’t sound like a good time.

The Sounds: Check your little sister’s iPod.

RawRawThe Goods: Sushi. Stage. Sound. No

smoking downstairs. Smoking upstairs. Jim Striker, former owner of The Bay, couldn‘t give up music completely. Hence, he has provided a nice little stage for local talents and open mic nights downstairs. Where else can you get sushi, booze, DJs, and an upstairs dance club? Nowhere. Just here.

The Bads: Small stage (not meant for anything more than current usage) and dance club upstairs.

The Sounds: Local talents downstairs, thumping, grinding and Affl iction shirts upstairs.

Midtown Music HallMidtown Music HallThe Goods: Stage. In-house sound and sound

guy. Some smoking, some not. Full bar. Big space. Divider between bar and show area, which can be good in keeping those there just to socialize from yelling over your music.

The Bads: The divider in the middle is made of brick. Sound, regardless of sound-guy skill, bounces all over the place. It has a built-in crowd of dollar-beer-type frat guys who generally don’t care what you are playing unless it sounds like Widespread Panic.

The Sounds: Sorority girls making mistakes? Wait…sorry. Local, regional, and national acts. Recently, Mighty Sideshow, Eris, River City Hustlers, Turncoat Conspiracy, Toneharm, Whild Peach, and Husky Burnette.

The RiverhouseThe RiverhouseThe Goods: Location. Back patio looking

out over the river. The patio is only separated from the restaurant by a windowed door, which gives versatility to the space and show potential. Currently attempting a more diverse booking style. Good food, cheap beer.

The Bads: It’s had many names, many managers, and many people coming and going. It is a bit chaotic as a result. No stage, no sound, no liquor. The business is in a constant state of fi nancial strain as it tries to form an identity, which means, no guarantees, no big payouts…yet.

The Sounds: Mainly local music, ranging from Celtic to DJs, from The Nim Nims and The Tammys, to Backseat Bingo, 476, and River City Hustlers to karaoke nights and cover bands.

LamarsLamarsThe Goods: Vintage atmosphere, velvet

wallpaper, strong drinks. Accessible to anyone who ponies up the rental fee.

The Bads: Bring it all yourself. Poor

Cover Story

“When the show is really awesome, you know it, mainly because you are standing on someone.”


lighting. Must rent the back room and hope to make your money back. Accessible to anyone who ponies up the rental fee.

The Sounds: Varies. You rent it, you play it, your show.

Anarchtica Anarchtica Punk Rock Haven. ’Nuff said.

The Low DownThe Low DownThe Goods: It has been updated and

upgraded. Bathrooms and stalls are neat! The downstairs has been redone and the stage is much better. Stage and sound provided. Has a GNR pinball machine. Upstairs and downstairs beer bars. Is really striving to become a serious venue. Seems to be working. Not genre specifi c. Has a lot of space and endless potential.

The Bads: It has been many different things, and it is hard to get certain crowds into the venue. Just starting out and building its identity and crowd, so a bit unpredictable depending on the night.

The Sounds: Anything from punk to pop, from DJs to active rock. If it’s music, bring it. Recently: Bangers Ball, (fi nally a venue for DJs), Do You Hear We? (punk fest), as well as Vertigo and Eris.

The MudpieThe MudpieThe Goods: Hosts a wicked open mic night and

monthly competition. Great food, full bar. Semi-stage, semi-sound. No smoking inside, large seated back patio.

The Bads: Very small stage, good for one-to-two people.

The Sounds: Acoustic original and covers.

Future Venue to Check Out: Electric Cowboy Future Venue to Check Out: Electric Cowboy I know what you are thinking, but seriously,

let me explain. We don’t have a medium-venue option. We go from JJ’s to R&B to The Tivoli in capacity terms.

Electric Cowboy is building a big stage, getting a great sound engineer, and all the works. It can hold 1,150 people easily, which will at least give Chattanooga more venue options for both musicians and fans.

Electric Cowboy is a chain of 16. Most of the other locations are venues. The one in Johnson City steadily boasts national acts. If those bands would go to Johnson City, why wouldn’t they come here? Look for an upcoming six-week concert series to start at this venue, beginning at the end of July.

Questionable Venues? Questionable Venues? Will The Drink or The

Pulse join the land of live music, or are those stages reserved for Brett Michaels?

Local Musicians Moving and Local Musicians Moving and ShakingShaking

• The Bohannons are set to record with Steve Albini in September.

• Up with the Joneses are about to release their new album.

• The Icons have regrouped and are debuting on July 25 at JJ’s.

• Eris is about to go on a regional mini-tour with Vertigo and has four songs of their new album recorded.

• Mighty Sideshow has begun writing their fourth album.

•The Tammys, Coral Castles, The Distribution, and Taxicab Racers are all rocking Nightfall this year. The Nim Nims already did.

• Downstream got a manager.

For more information as it happens, or show listings, check www.hellcatpromotions.com. There is a calendar for you.

Best All-Around Award: Re:SoundBest All-Around Award: Re:Sound Re:Sound is still in the building phase, but it’s

coming, and I think that it could truly change our scene and our city for the better—if we let it.

Re:Sound’s co-founder, Jen Gregory, described their nonprofi t purpose as being a resource center for local music. When fi nished, Re:Sound will offer a professional recording studio for local musicians at unbelievably cheap rates, as well as rehearsal space, places to give or receive lessons, and a venue in which to perform. It will provide sound equipment rentals at a very low price, and offer musicians classes on how to run your band or musical talent like a small business, which, technically, it is. Cheap printing and design options, as well as marketing will be available for our talented brethren.

Re:Sound wants to help musicians network with one another, and serve as a connection between musician and venue or musician and promoter. Basically, Re:Sound is going to take your little rock-star hand and pull you in the right direction. They have thought it all out, even down to musician healthcare options.

It’s like Re:Sound is the homeless shelter for musicians. Music outreach! Let’s assist our starving artists! I love it. I agree with it. I asked what led Jen in this direction, and she answered, “Like

you, I’ve been in the scene for so long, you start to ask yourself what you can do to help. I want to help by trying to create a city where musicians will want to stay or even move here for the scene and opportunity, not move away.” H’mm, what a resounding thought. (Had to, sorry). We will do a feature on it when it opens!

Random Quotes AcquiredRandom Quotes Acquired

What do you think needs to change about the Chattanooga music scene?

“Chattanooga has gotten too comfortable in fi rst gear, so there is no way to get to fi fth. Chattanooga is the worst pre-sale concert market in the southeast. Promoters live and die on these walk-up crowds. Damn, I miss The Bay.” — Billy Black

“Late show times. I know it’s cool. But can we make it uncool somehow? Waiting on crowds…a show says ‘doors at 9 p.m.’ and no one shows until 11 p.m. So, we push the set time back, over and over, which sucks for out-of-town bands, and anyone playing, really, because we’ve been there since our 7 p.m. load-in time, sometimes waiting fi ve hours to play!” — Adam Brown, Up with the Joneses, Overzealous

Cover Story

“I know what you're thinking, but seriously, let me explain. We don’t have a medium-venue option. We go from JJ’s to R&B to The Tivoli in capacity terms.”


“She’s perfect!”“I have to ace this test!”“It’s not perfect…let’s do it

over.”“I have 10 people coming

for dinner…this meal has to be perfect!”

“We had a good time, but not a great time. Maybe we’ll do better next year.”

Do you ever fi nd yourself saying or thinking things like the above? As you read those words, do you hear the underlying stress just beneath the surface? That’s what the goal of perfection does: It carries with it a stress that shifts the focus from enjoying the experience to the pressure of performing fl awlessly. It takes a perfectly good activity and taints it with the anxiety that comes from always trying to get the “A,” or score the 100, or be the best.

I had a wonderful music professor years ago who never felt he was teaching the class about music. He believed he was teaching us about life—through the art of music. And in his wisdom, he would teach us that it’s acceptable to not get an “A” all the time. If we do just OK, if we do so-so, it’s not the end of the world. He’d rather we listen to music well than test well. He’d rather we become enraptured with the beauty of a Tchaikovsky concerto or the emotional storm of a Beethoven symphony than worry about a test score.

This was hard for some of us to wrap our minds around, given that we were conditioned to achieve that “A.” We were taught to value the product rather than the process, and in doing so, we missed being present, living in the moment; we missed the value of the here and now while in anxious pursuit of the almighty end result.

Let me tell you a story about my fi rst day in fi rst grade, and my fi rst-grade teacher, Miss Tompkins. On one hand, Miss Tompkins was a devoted teacher who’d been teaching so long she actually taught my grandfather when the school was just a one-room schoolhouse! But she was also quite fi erce and about 2,000 years old. It’s possible she taught Jesus himself. Being 2,000 years old,

her teaching style was also 2,000 years old, and she believed that if you “spare the rod, you spoil the child.”

On the fi rst day of school, she handed each student a blank piece of paper. The assignment was to draw a face. I drew a face. A great big, fi ll-up-the-whole-page, color-outside-the-lines, Mr.-Potato-Head, balloon-shaped face. I loved it! I added all the details as instructed, and when Miss Tompkins came around to collect our little works of art, I proudly held mine up to her.

“What’s this?!” she barked.“It’s a face,” I answered, starting to

suspect something was terribly wrong.“Stand up!” she told me. I stood

up. And do you know, that little ancient woman spanked my bottom! She told me that was no way to draw a face, taking up the whole paper like I did. Where would there be room for a body? A face isn’t that big!

Holy Grail, I wasn’t getting an “A” that day. I learned a valuable lesson, although not one I’d ever want to teach a child: Do what will please authority, and do it perfectly.

Now do not misunderstand me. Of course there are times when there isn’t room for mistakes. Brain surgery comes to mind. Or piloting a commercial jet. But you know, life isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. Even the beauty of Mother Nature—from a leaf to the face of a kitten—isn’t “perfect” in its asymmetry.

See, here’s the problem with striving to be perfect: You can’t.

Here’s the beauty of imperfection: The understanding that doing something, even badly, is better than not doing it at all. My friend, Christine Kane, refers to this as “Glorious Imperfection” and says that allowing yourself to do something imperfectly is a way of setting intention. “It lets your ego know that you would rather do the activity than wait until you can do it fl awlessly,” she says.

And often with

that waiting comes paralysis. How many projects do you not even begin for fear of it not coming out perfectly? How many times have you felt paralyzed because of anxiety and fear of an imperfect performance, or project, or job? Sure, we all like to hear, “Job well done!” But remember this: When you demand perfection from the start, then your attention isn’t on the activity itself. Your attention is drained in the perpetual “How am I doing?” analysis.

My suggestion is to take an imperfect vacation (you forgot to pack the kids’ swim trunks … oh, well!) Throw an imperfect dinner party, do some imperfect yoga, write an imperfect email, go on an imperfect bike ride. So what? It’s not the end of the world. Maybe if you value having a good time, here and now, instead of doing it perfectly, you’ll fi nd a new level of enjoyment in what you’re doing.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a great big out-of-the-margins balloon-head to draw.

Until next time: “Life isn’t about fi nding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.”

— George Bernard Shaw

ShrinkRap

Down With Perfection!by Dr. Rick

“When you demand

perfection from the start, then your attention

isn’t on the activity itself. Your attention

is drained in the perpetual ‘How

am I doing?’ analysis.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.” Visit his web site at www.DrRPH.com where you can email your questions and comments.


“Window on the West”, currently at the Hunter Museum, exemplifi es the complexities of an excellent collection focused on the diversity of artists’ experiences west of the Mississippi. Pieces selected from the Arthur J. Phelan collection not only embrace a wide variety of Western subjects, including both characters and topographies, but also demonstrate a range of styles from exquisite realism to modernist advances.

Arthur J. Phelan, from Chevy Chase, Maryland, retired as the chairman of an oil tanker company, but his studies at Yale included American history and literature. He began this ongoing collection of Western art in 1967. Ellen Simak, chief curator, describes this exhibit as “an intriguing glimpse of the American West.” I was impressed with the acuity of Phelan’s approach to the largesse of the Western experience, expressed with such a diversity of remarkable images.

Having lived in Taos, I became familiar with Rory Wagner’s incredibly detailed warriors emerging from surreal blackness. Rory Wagner’s work remains a vital evolution of Western art styles. In a sense, the frontier retains an essential mode, and it drives the opening of innovative space. At the Hunter, a breathtaking excitement fl ows from these 19th-century and early 20th-century pieces, artists working to render the awesome and the unexpected. Even the ordinary becomes paradoxical in the isolated spaces on the frontier.

John James Audobon’s “American Bison” represents a great paradox of the West. A creature that sustained the wilderness, subjected to such rapacious impulses, ought to remind us of the precariousness of survival.

Jan Matulka’s “Pueblo” (1917) appears to represent Taos pueblo with an impressionist verisimilitude of turquoise sky and mauve shadows.

Inhabited for a millennium and a half, this dwelling imparts a special sense to the appellation “First People.”

American Expressionist style startles in landscapes by William Zorca, “Yosemite Valley” (1920) and by Helen Katharine Forbes, “Meeting Snow” (1933). In these cases, inspirational vision provokes innovative execution. Such impulses show the heart of artistic development. In another sense, the anonymous watercolor “Vaquero” in fi ne

detail represents this impulse, driving the medium to full execution of its subject.

The dynamism of this collection comes through in the contrast between Stanley Massey Arthur’s “Cowgirl”, dramatic and impressionist, and Louis Aiken’s quiet “Hopi Maiden.”

Although I can only cite a few examples, I can attest to the amazing art experience that this collection provides. Give yourself ample time for viewing. In addition, the Hunter has just opened “Night Visions”, featuring “Nocturnes” by Frederic Remington and by Frank Tenney Johnson. This show provides a complement to “Window on the West.” The Hunter is also featuring more events throughout the summer.

“At the Hunter, a breathtaking excitement fl ows from these 19th-century and early 20th-century pieces, artists working to render the awesome and the unexpected.”

“Window on the West: Views from the American Frontier”$9.95 (museum admission)Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View, (423) 267-0968. www.huntermuseum.org

Arts&Entertainmentby Michael Crumb

Still Going West, Young Man


A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Shakespeare really mixes it up with love, love, love in MND. Always worth it for “Pyramus and Thisbe” alone, you also get Amazons, fairies, lovers under a spell and an ass’s head. Need we say more?Friday, Saturday, Sunday, July 10-12$107:30 p.m. Friday and Saturday, 2:30 p.m. SundayChattanooga State Humanities Auditorium, 4501 Amnicola Highway(423) 697-4404.

Lionel Operating Train Society Train Show10 a.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (513) 598-8240.

Mosaic Market11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market) (423) 624-3915.

Killer Beaz7:30 p.m. & 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grill, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

A Midsummer’s Night Dream7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Humanities Auditorium, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-4404.

Bye Bye Birdie7:30 p.m. St. Luke’s United Methodist Church, 3210 Social Circle. (423) 877-6447.

Guys and Dolls8 p.m. Signal Mountain Playhouse, 3500 Taft Hwy. (423) 886-5243.

Psycho Beach Party8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Ring Round the Moon8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, MainStage. 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Free Movies in the Park - Kung Fu Panda9 p.m. Coolidge Park, North Shore

LibertyCon 22 Science Fiction & Art ConventionComfort Inn & Suites Convention Center, 6710 Ringgold Road.www.libertycon.org

Chattanooga Market: Fun in the Sun Boat Show11 a.m.- 4 p.m. First Tennessee Pavilion, 1826 Carter Street. (423) 648-2496.www.chattanoogamarket.com


Ring Round the Moon2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, MainStage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

Chattanooga Free Thought Association Monthly Meeting3 p.m. Double Hill Billard Club, 1966 Northpoint Blvd. (423) 875-8760.

Panel Discussion: “Small Business PR Workshop”6:30 p.m. CreateHere, 55 East Main St. Ste. 105. 648-2195.

Ring Round the Moon7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, MainStage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.


Killer Beaz8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

Delta Queen: Showboat Serenade8 p.m. Delta Queen, Coolidge Park. (423) 468-4500.

F

Free Harp Concert7 p.m. Thaddeus Episcopal Church, 4300 Locklsey Lane. (423) 994-3161.



Killer Beaz7:30 p.m. & 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grill, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

Guys and Dolls8 p.m. Signal Mountain Playhouse, 3500 Taft Hwy. (423) 886-5243.

Delta Queen: A Musical Journey (dinner & show)8 p.m. Delta Queen, Coolidge Park. (423) 468-4500. www.deltaqueenhotel.com

Ring Round the Moon8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, MainStage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

LibertyCon 22 Science Fiction & Art ConventionComfort Inn & Suites Convention Center, 6710 Ringgold Road.www.libertycon.org

“Coal Miners Health in Appalachia” Photo ExhibitDowntown Public Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-1310. www.lib.chattanooga.gov

Thursday Friday

Saturday Sunday

Psycho Beach Party

Charles Busch’s cross-dressing take on our fave ’60s movie genre. Crazy, man! Pre-show luau.$158 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage. 400 River Street. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

“Imagining the West”

Dr. Daryl Black, executive director of the Chattanooga History Center, and Dr. Andrea Becksvoort, of the UTC Department of History, explore the real American West as compared to our imagined view of it. Free with museum admission 6 p.m.Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View.(423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org

Bye Bye BirdieIf you haven’t seen this

classic musical, from which comes “Put On a Happy Face,” put one on and go.Donations accepted.2:30 p.m. St. Luke’s United Methodist Church, 3210 Social Circle. (423) 877-6447.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

A&ECalendar Send your calendar events to us at [email protected]

“Speak Easy” spoken word and poetry8 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9040.

“A Barage of Butterfl ies”Houston Museum of Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. www.thehoustonmuseum.com

“Jellies: Living Art”Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

“Windows on the West: Views From the American Frontier”Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

Fine Handmade Jewelry by Mary Helen RobertIn-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214.

Chattanooga Writer’s Guild Meeting7 p.m. Downtown Public Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-1310. www.lib.chattanooga.gov

“Cultural Fragments”Lookout Mountain Gallery, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 394-1071.

“Human Nature”River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com

Works by Stephen Scott YoungShuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453.

“Tying the Knot: Jewish Wedding Traditions”Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 North Terrace. (423) 493-0270.

“Accessing the Artist’s Brain: Drawing as Metaphor”Association for Visual Arts, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282. www.avarts.org

“Coal Miners Health in Appalachia” Photo ExhibitDowntown Public Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-1310.

“A Barage of Butterfl ies”Houston Museum of Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176.

“Jellies: Living Art”Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

“Windows on the West: Views From the American Frontier”Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

WinderBinder Grand Reopening

WinderBinder is now winding into binding, having taken over the Novel Idea space.Free6 p.m. WinderBinder Gallery, 40 Frazier Ave. (423) 413-8999. www.winderbinder.com


On that train of graphite and glitterUndersea by railNinety minutes from New York to Paris—Donald Fagen

That song lyric demonstrates the basic impulse of science fi ction: The extension of current technology into the future, elegant and plausible. The two-way wrist radio from “Dick Tracy” cartoons progressed into techno-telepathic communication in Masumune’s Ghost in the Shell 1.5 manga. Technology presents a material manifestation of our imaginations, our creativity, and increasingly, art manifests in more technological modes.

The LibertyCon art show this weekend will present some of the permutations of art and technology. There are a number of artists working in fantastic art and some of these will be showing at LibertyCon.

Fantasy art seeks out new concepts, implementing them into often-gorgeous presentations. This wellspring of imaginative exploration provides relevance on many levels. Science fi ction gadgetry shows one level, an unrealized futurity, but deeper levels of sci-fi help a new consciousness, as is one fi nds in the cyberpunk The Matrix. The real mixes with the surreal, mythological, archetypal and erotic.

Tiffany Tolano’s “Incubare” won a prize at the Chattacon art show, depicting a cyborg girl incubating a human embryo in an artifi cial womb. Local artist Kenneth Waters also won a fantasy prize at Chattacon for his “Death-Carriage,” based on a line

of Emily Dickinson’s poetry. While Waters works in more traditional media, Tolano’s piece is a digital print.

Essentially, the computer becomes an ultimate paintbrush, limited only by its user’s imagination, and much fantasy art becomes available as computer prints.

Originally, printing technology and photography removed the pictures from the caves of Altimara and disseminated them. Then came cinema, the art of juxtaposing images, the art of montage. Walter Benjamin’s famous essay, “The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction” showed how aesthetics became transformed by technology.

Local artist “Pain” prefers to work in paint, and his horror/fantasy work,

locally renowned, has some literary roots in Poe, Lovecraft and Clive Barker. Great novels such as Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein and Bram Stoker’s Dracula drive a good deal of fantasy art. Philip Pullman’s The Golden Compass bears intimate connections with the

imagery of the Tarot. This goes back, I believe, to Percy Shelley. In Taos, I saw Rory Wagner’s astonishing re-interpreting of that imagery.

I can only suggest the depth and complexity of fantastic art. It’s easy to see its huge impact on popular

culture. Michael Bielaczyc, pushing the media envelope with his 3-D “Transient Revival,” and Paul Bielaczyc, whose charcoal “Critical” became the logo-emblem for the last Chattacon, are brother-artists residing in Nashville.

Concerning the unusual media trend, James Ward of Chattanooga has just released a DVD on “The Art of Feather Painting.” Along with his wonderful feathers, he will be showing Native American-style painted boxes at Liberty Con. Star Roberts will also be showing at Liberty Con. Her complex paper pieces and glass abstracts exemplify art “you can live with,” so please do.

Jon Stadter of Atlanta will be showing his cosmic paintings at Liberty Con, along with local artists Mark Fults and Susannah Shockley. The imagination grows best when stretched—so go explore.

Arts&Entertainmentby Michael Crumb

Taking A Fantastic Voyage

Liberty Con 22July 10-12Comfort Inn & Suites Convention Center6710 Ringgold Road, East Ridgewww.libertycon.org

“Technology presents a material manifestation of our imaginations, our creativity, and increasingly, art manifests in more technological modes.”

Michael Bielaczyc's "Prometheus Unbound"


Over the past couple of weeks, several key celebrity icons of my youth have passed on to their “fi nal curtain call in the sky.” They dubbed the plane crash back in ’59 that took the lives of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper as “the day the music died.” But when Ed McMahon passed away, for me it was the beginning of “the week my childhood died.”

Back when I was a kid, and on into my 20’s, Johnny Carson hosted The Tonight Show. This was, of course, before Jay Leno, who replaced Johnny, and Conan, who recently replaced Jay. In fact, there were two other hosts before Johnny but because he sat at the desk for more than 30 years, no one my age really recalls Jack Parr, or that other guy.

Anyway, back then there wasn’t a David Letterman alternative, so late nights in front of the tube meant Johnny. And right beside Johnny sat Ed McMahon, his sidekick. Aside from announcing the evening’s guests during the opening sequence and introducing his boss with his famous “Heeeerrrrreeee’s Johnny!” (culturally referenced just as famously by Jack Nicholson in The Shining), Ed’s duties included guffawing at everything Johnny said in order to generate incestuous audience laughter.

Sometimes Ed would play the straight man in Johnny’s famous comedy skits. But mainly Ed just moved down the couch as each additional guest came out until he was out of camera frame completely for about the last 20 minutes of the program. All you could hear was his boisterous laughter and occasional, “You are correct, sir” or “Yes, ke-mo sah-bee” which he would spout off randomly to encourage whatever it was Johnny was trying to get us to believe. It was a riot.

A couple of days after Ed’s death, another icon from my childhood

passed away. Farrah Fawcett was the fi rst woman I, or anyone age 10 in 1977, ever loved. Her curly, bouncing blonde hair, bright shining smile and perfectly proportioned tanned body were just about all it took back then to ensure that you were headed down the hetero path just fi ne. In fact, everybody I knew had “the poster” of her, obviously cold, in a red bathing suit. And most of us strategically hung it on the BACK of our bedroom door (if you know what I mean).

She was one of Charlie’s Angels, a secret-agent-esque television series that featured what might well be the worst plot lines and acting that ABC has ever produced. But we didn’t mind. They could have just been sitting there staring back at us for all we cared. They were “angels.” And just when we were falling for Farrah, at the height of her career, she ran off and married Lee Majors.

Now, Lee Majors was the star of our second-most-favorite TV show, The Six Million Dollar Man. This unlikely tale chronicled the action-packed life of an astronaut who crashed his spaceship re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere, survived, and then was put back together with “bionic” parts that gave him super powers to be used specifi cally for high-profi le crime fi ghting. And, his total transformation apparently only cost six million dollars. But remember, those were 1970 dollars.

Despite his super-strong grip and X-ray eyesight, Lee married OUR Farrah. And, even though he was about the coolest action hero on TV at the time, none of my friends or I could ever bring ourselves to call our angel “Farrah Fawcett-MAJORS.” We stopped at “Fawcett” in peaceful protest.

The fi nal icon in my trilogy of fallen childhood heroes is of course, Michael Jackson. My fi rst memory of pulling a vinyl album out of the sleeve and placing it on the phonograph was to play a Jackson Five record. I was probably 6 or 7 years old. Then when I was old enough to skate, I remember the soundtrack of the day being his Off

The Wall album, played in heavy rotation at the rink.

But it was in my teenage years, after I hit high school and got MTV, that Michael pretty much became the focal point of pop culture. It wasn’t necessarily cool to actually like Thriller at my school if you were male and looked to Keith Richards, Ric Ocasek or Sting for your marching orders. But no one could resist the smooth grooves and infectious tunes of “Billie Jean,” “Thriller” and “Beat It” (which, because Eddie Van Halen played the guitar solo, made that song a lot cooler). Those songs always catapult me back to 1983 for some reason. I’m pretty sure they always will.

They say things come in threes. And if so, I’m glad the bloodletting of my childhood is over—at least for now. So to Ed, Farrah and Michael—RIP. You certainly have left your mark.

LifeInTheNoog

It Was The Week My Childhood Died

by Chuck Crowder

“No one could resist the smooth

grooves and infectious tunes

of ‘Billie Jean,’ ‘Thriller’ and

‘Beat It’ (which, because Eddie

Van Halen played the guitar solo,

made that song a lot cooler).”

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website www.thenoog.com


Let’s be honest. The funniest parts of Borat weren’t the scenes where Sasha Baron Cohen donned his crazy wig and funny accent, and ran around his village chasing stereotypical caricatures. Nor was it when he wrestled his corpulent manager in the nude. No, that was just gross. The funniest parts are when he pitted himself opposite an American stereotype, who then exemplifi ed exactly from whence those stereotypes originate.

Now for the shocking statement: Borat was tame. His caricature brought out xenophobia in some of his real-life targets, but he was so odd that he was more often met with curiosity. Like a Minotaur brain surgeon: You don’t want something with hooves operating on your brain, but you want to see him just the same.

Which brings us to Brüno. Cohen tested the waters with Borat. He used his fake Kazakhstani news reporter to determine just what really gets American hearts riled up. Apparently, his conclusion was that his fl amboyantly gay Austrian fashionista from “Da Ali G Show” was the next logical step.

Brüno, like Borat before him, plays both sides of the fence. Half of the movie is comedic dramatization, the other half pseudo-documentary-style reality. Sadly, for Brüno, the scripted parts are somewhat cliché and boring, suffering from "best clips are in the trailer" disease. On the other hand, the other half of the movie is truly intriguing.

You get to see the reactions of a small sample of Americans confronted by the shining-star example of their homophobic prejudices. It could be said that Cohen is setting up these poor people, that he’s igniting a

pre-existing puddle of fuel. There is something to be said about the size and intensity of his match. However, it

does leave you with the feeling that these select few are representative of our country—whether that feeling is justifi ed or not.

Overall, Sasha Baron Cohen is a comedic genius. He's the personifi cation of

character acting. It's clear he lived the life of Brüno throughout the production of this fi lm. His sincere devotion to Brüno enables him to fi nd comedy in places of pain. The comparisons to Andy Kaufman

are overdone at this point, but I would put him light years ahead of Joaquin Phoenix and his recent David Letterman "appearance".

To sum it up, if you liked Borat, or if you thought Jean Girard from Talledega Nights was a little understated, you’re going to like Brüno. If you are easily offended, or don’t like for your comedies to force you into some soul-searching introspection, then you might be better off waiting for Harry Potter.

FilmFeature

Brüno: The Search for More Boratby Damien Power

“To sum it up, if you liked Borat, or if you thought Jean Girard from Talledega Nights was a little understated, you’re going to like Brüno.”

Brüno Directed by Larry CharlesStarring Sacha Baron CohenRated RRunning time: 83 minutes


He was raising his gun while I yelled my fi nal command for him to drop it, and as he still refused, I began squeezing the trigger of my own pistol and prepared for the unimaginably loud retort, the likely follow-up shots I’d have to take, the count of my ammo, and the onslaught of scrutiny from the media and the armchair quarterbacks in the aftermath of the terrible thing I was being forced to do, again, of what thousands of brothers before me had been forced to do, and—and nothing.

The trigger felt as if it had a lump of lead behind it. I was having to physically force it back. I kept my target in sight as I unwove my off-hand’s fi ngers to assist the one pulling, and after an eternity a .45-caliber bullet fi nally exploded towards its destination and hit home, but to my horror it had no effect and I had to begin the process all over again, the slow squeeze…Then mercifully I awoke, daylight just creeping through the cheap curtains of my bedroom.

I hated that goddamn dream, but it was the least of the bullshit creeping around the back of my skull over the years. I’d had some real doozies alright; the kind that scared the neighbors in the apartment below mine because of the screams that left me sitting bolt upright, elbows locked and palms facing down, fi ngers gripping the sheets in iron fi sts, cold sweat beaded and starting to run down my forehead and temples while I panted and looked for dead men running through my bedroom. No, this wasn’t one of those, thank God.

I was still prone, and simply released a crumpled pillow and fl ipped it over looking for a cool spot, fi ghting off a mild hangover. I unconsciously reached over to unmask a clock I kept covered to avoid insomniac time-counts when my hand struck an unfamiliar object on the nightstand.

It was a ceramic baby, egg white, posed in a sitting position, about eight inches high and covered in a shiny glaze that smoothed over thousands of intentional antiqued cracks. Its design was obvious enough to let you know it was a baby, sitting up

with its arms embracing itself, but vague enough to have only the softest details of where its eyes, nose, and mouth were, with a smattering of hair fl ipped into a wave on the top of its head. It was shaped like a cherub on a fountain, but made for a shelf in a Southern grandmother’s kitchen. I had no idea where it came from, but there it was between me and my clock.

I struggled to think of who in the world would have given me such a strange gift, or if drunk enough, where I may have stolen it from as a goof the night before. I propped up on an elbow considering the possibilities of its origins and my plans for the day, when blood started seeping from the cracks covering the thing and it began to slowly cry.

I remember thinking that it wasn’t so strange that the statue started moving as that the ceramic didn’t shatter when it slowly began to spread its arms and open its smooth shallow mouth into a grimace, while it turned its round blank eyes towards me, its hopeful embrace widening with the pitch of its cries. The seeping blood began pouring down its glistening form into a pool around its glazed diaper, the white ceramic still visible through dozens of tiny spots between the cracks.

The blood began streaming down the side of the table. It cried louder and louder and the bright crimson began to increase its fl ow to match the intensity of the noise. When I fi nally opened my mouth to scream, as I began crawling back on my elbows, I fell backwards off the bed and all at once it stopped…as I woke up on the fl oor, feet still on the bed. I got up on my elbows and peeked over the edge of the mattress. The baby was gone.

I’d awoken into a second nightmare…again. I

hated that shit. I shrugged, and stumbled into the shower.

A short while later I was on the road, my left hand on the wheel, my right forearm resting comfortably, wedged between my holstered pistol and my stomach. It was a treacherous drive from Brainerd to Amnicola in the mornings, but I was in an unmarked and could get around most hazards anonymously those days. I passed a bank on Shallowford Road with a small decorative fountain out front, and it brought me back to the dream from half an hour before.

“Weird,” I said aloud. “What the fuck was that about? Ooh! Hardee’s!” And that was the end of that.

The dream was one of hundreds and I haven’t given it a second thought since then, until now. I still have no idea what it means…but I have to admit, Hardee’s does sound good about now, and who can serve and protect you on an empty stomach?

It was, after all, just a dream. Nothing wrong with that.

OnTheBeat

Sleeping Like Babiesby Alex Teach

“The seeping blood began

pouring down its glistening

form into a pool around its glazed diaper,

the white ceramic still

visible through dozens of tiny

spots between the cracks.”

Alexander D. Teach is an occasional student of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and a graduate of Central High. In his spare time he enjoys carpentry, auto mechanic work, boating, and working for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.


The fi rst wave of Millennials, or Generation Y, is now coming of age. As a member of this group, I am proud to say that as a demographic, we care about the greater good. More importantly, we are good at getting things done. Some people might disagree with this statement, but it would be hard to argue that Generation Y did not infl uence the political races of 2008 or that we do not shape economic trends.

Generation Y is defi ned as being made up of individuals born in the early 1980s though the mid-1990s. We are characterized as being socially conscious, civic-minded, and immersed in technology. We exercise our infl uence in what we buy and in what we communicate to our vast digital audiences on Facebook, Twitter and personal blogs.

We are fi lling classrooms, board rooms, corporate desks, and political offi ce. And there are a lot of us—as many as 60 million across the country, almost 20 percent of the nation’s total population.

According to the Center for Information and Research on Civic Learning and Engagement, we care deeply for our respective causes, donating thousands of hours to volunteering, boycotting and petitioning, and political activism.

The environment is third on our collective list of concerns. Topping our list are education and poverty, both worthy causes, and both tied to environmental sustainability.

The state of the environment is woven into every aspect of our lives. An educational system that values a curriculum with solid environmental data is crucial to our understanding of how best to live. Poverty can lead to environmental degradation. Situations in which people are forced to choose between basic necessities and sustainability rarely turn out well for the planet or humankind. You have a hard time understanding the implications of cutting down the rain forest if you are starving and wood is the only commodity around. Environmental degradation often hurts the disadvantaged,

and climate change is expected to disproportionally affect Third World countries. So, helping these causes helps the environment, and vice versa.

Research shows that we, beyond being a conscious generation, are willing to help out. Eighty percent of us reported volunteering for a cause during the past 12 months. Overwhelmingly, we are concerned about climate change and its implications, and we give time and money to solving environmental problems.

Our generation works hard, but we also work smart. Facebook is one way that I, and many people I know, have become involved in environmental projects. One green group I belong to hosted a nationwide conference call in which more than 200 people participated. The meeting was scheduled to last an hour. There was an agenda and room for open conversation. The meeting lasted 45 minutes and in the process, next steps were planned, people connected, and now things are visibly getting done.

We favor out-of-the-box activism. One online initiative to stop Nestle Corporation’s unsustainable water-bottling practices asked people to petition. Instead of signing a piece of paper, thousands of us sent in pictures taken with a webcam or digital camera—putting our faces out there for there for the cause. All of our photos were woven together and placed on the steps of the Capitol in DC.

We have tremendous economic power. As the green market emerges, it is the Millennials who will decide whether or not it succeeds. We spend billions of dollars, and companies are beginning to recognize our economic infl uence. An overwhelming 91 percent of us value products that support a good cause, and this is getting noticed. If you Google “Generation Y, spending power” online, a multitude of marketing materials

surfaces. Marketing consultant Jim Adams advises clients: “Generation Y Is the most lucrative segment going forward. It is important to attract and maintain them as customers and create a positive brand image.”

There is no doubt: The future of green products, clean tech, renewable energy, and green jobs is up to us. We will be the largest demographic with buying power when the boomers retire. What we demand will create the new supply.

If we choose a green economy, manufacturers have no choice but to follow suit. If we demand truly green components in our products, marketing fi rms will have to do more than just green wash. If we want protection for the environment, lawmakers have no choice but to write green policy.

We hold the power and the infl uence and we have no time to waste. We must use our vast numbers, ambitious drive, technical savvy and energy to protect the environment not only for our own sakes—but also for the success of future generations and for the good of our planet.

ShadesOfGreen

Green Rallying Call to Generation Yby Elizabeth Crenshaw

“The future of green products,

clean tech, renewable

energy, and green jobs is up

to us. We will be the largest demographic

with buying power when the boomers

retire.”Elizabeth Crenshaw is LEED accredited

and works for EPB in Strategic Planning, but her views are her own. Originally from South Carolina, Elizabeth moved to Chattanooga after graduating from Warren Wilson College in 2007.


Power 94 Summer Jam with Pretty Ricky, Yo Gotti, Mims, Ace Hood, Dem Getaway Boyz6 p.m. First Tennessee Pavilion. 1826 Carter St.Pattee Wilbanks and Dale Martin8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Road. (423) 892-4960. www.christunity.orgTropical Swing Latin Music, Ogya World Music, Lumbar 511 a.m. Incline Railway, Lower Station, St. Elmo Ave. (706) 820-2531. www.ridetheincline.comSummer Music Weekends featuring the New Binkley BrothersNoon. Rock City Gardens, Lookout Mtn., GA. (706) 820-2531. seerockcity.com/summermusic

Tim Lewis8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.comBlack Cat Moon9 p.m. The Tin Can, 618 Georgia Ave. (423) 648-4360. wwwthetincanchattanooga.comNew Binkley Brothers, Gurle Haggard10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemiaEULOGY - A TRIBUTE TO TOOL with Turncoat Conspiracy10 p.m. Midtown Music Hall, 820 Georgia Ave. (423) 752-1977. www.midtownmusichall.comJoint Effort Band10 p.m. T-Bone’s, 1419 Chestnut st. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com

Summer Music Weekends featuring the New Binkley BrothersNoon. Rock City Gardens, Lookout Mtn., GA. (706) 820-2531. seerockcity.com/summermusicJennifer Brantley, White Bay Freddie12:30, 2 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavillion1826 Carter St. (423) 648-2496. www.chattanoogamarket.com Open Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58,(423) 485-0966.Irish Music 6:30 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike, (423) 266-1996.Open MicGene’s Bar & Grill, 724 Ashland Terrace, (423) 870-0880.

Thursday FridayWhispers of the Muse, A Prayer for Pestilence7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd, East Ridgewww.myspace.com/warehousetnHarper Monica Duo7:00 p.m. The Low Down, 306 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 468-3593.Jonathan Parmley7:30 p.m. Rumors, 3884 Hixson Pk. (423) 870-3003An Evening with David Wilcox8 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.comKaraoke8 p.m. The Tin Can, 618 Georgia Ave. (423) 648-4360. wwwthetincanchattanooga.comTrottle Bottom9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd, #202. (423) 499-5055.

Uptown Big BandNoon. Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. (423) 265-0771. Booker Scruggs Ensemble5 p.m. Blue Orleans Creole Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538. Ben Friberg Trio6:30 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253. Between Two Seas, Rookie At Best, Always In August, Beyond Bethel7 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market St. (423) 757-0019. Bartlee Norton7 p.m. North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr., Suite 102.40 oz Folklore, The Loose Screws, Apathy Ensues8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway

Race Major9 p.m. The Low Down, 306 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 468-3593.Bounty Hunter9 p.m. The Tin Can, 618 Georgia Ave. (423) 648-4360. Sparkz Album Release Party9:30 p.m. Midtown Music Hall, 820 Georgia Ave. (423) 752-1977. Angel Snow, Butch Ross, North American Royalty, Brian Ritchey10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. Drivin N Cryin10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St (423) 267-4644. Amber Fults Band10 p.m. T-Bone’s, 1419 Chestnut st. (423) 266-4240. Blue Grass Pharaohs10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market Street. (423) 634-0429

Saturday Sunday

Dan Baird and Homemade Sin

Former Georgia Satellites dude Baird brings his new outfi t to Nightfall7 p.m.Miller Plaza, 850 Market Street.(423) 265-0771. www.downtownchattanooga.org

Verlon ThompsonGuitar troubadour

Thompson is a low-fl ying legend.$125 p.m. potluck, 6:30 p.m. show. Barking Leg Theater, 1307 Dodds Avenue, (706) 638-4170.www.barkinglegs.org

MondayThe Great Commission/ Earth From Above, In This Hour7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd, East Ridge.

Karaoke9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Road,Suite #202,(423) 499-5055.www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Fireside Lounge4021 Hixson Pike,(423) 870-7078.

Lucky’s2536 Cummings Highway,(423) 825-5145.

Ben Friberg Trio7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253.www.table2restaurant.com

Open MicTremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike,(423) 266-1996.

Spoken Word/Poetry NightThe Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Avenue, (423) 752-0066.

The Fastest Kid Alive, The Heart’s Story, Tyler Malashenko7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd, East Ridge.

The Bohannons, High Planes Drifter, Alcohol Stunt Band10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

Ben Friberg Trio6:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern,850 Market Street, (423) 634-0260.

The Micks9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com

Open mic with Matt Bohannon10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

DJ GOPThe Palms at Hamilton,6925 Shallowford Rd #202,(423) 499-5055.

Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge4762 Highway 58,(423) 485-0966.www.myspace.com/debbieslounge

Tuesday Wednesday Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

PROTOMEN, Taxicab Racers, Dignan

The mysterious ones bring rock opera to JJ’s.$7.10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.(423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

MusicCalendar Send your calendar events to us at [email protected]

Power 94 Summer JamOne of the summer’s events; this year featuring Pretty Ricky, Yo Gotti, Mims, Ace Hood, Dem Getaway Boyz and

others.Saturday, July 11 $15 in advance, $20 at the door. Available at Power 94 studios, Tisdale Fashions, Kankus (Market/Wilcox location only).Door opens 4 p.m., show starts 6 p.m. First Tennessee Pavilion, 1826 Carter Street.

The ToneHarm Michael Jackson

TributeGet out and pay a little tribute to the Man in the Mirror.No cover.10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market Street. (423) 634-0260. myspace.com/marketstreettavern


Sometimes, when performing the song “Lazy Line Painter Jane” live, the Scottish pop group

Belle and Sebastian would ask for an audience volunteer to sing the female lead part, making some lucky young woman a star for a night and giving her a story to tell for ages.

The same sort of vibe is behind God Help the Girl, which is a project from Stuart Murdoch, the front man of Belle and Sebastian. Female singers were recruited using open auditions and want ads, yielding unknown talent for the album, which is intended to tie-in with a musical fi lm that has

yet to be made. While Belle and Sebastian is his

main focus, Murdoch has explained that he set aside certain songs for God Help the Girl because he had particular characters in mind for a musical narrative. While Murdoch and other Belle and Sebastian members perform on the album, it often has more in common with a ’60s Brill Building orchestral pop effort (especially on tracks like “Perfection as a Hipster”), rather than an indie pop combo record, with tasteful, economical, not-too-fl owery arrangements.

There are two re-workings of tunes originally released on Belle and Sebastian’s last album, The Life Pursuit; Brittany Stallings holds her own on “Funny Little Frog” with a soulful delivery, and “Act of the Apostle” ends up sounding like a Julie London tune, with vocals from Catherine Ireton.

Without Ireton, who sings on the

majority of the album’s tracks, God Help the Girl might not have worked; she’s got an effortlessly pretty voice—Zooey Deschanel comes to mind, but Ireton has better control, like Doris Day.

Three tracks on the album reach perfection, and it’s no accident that Ireton sings those songs: the irresistible, fl uttering title track, the upbeat “I’ll Have to Dance with Cassie,” and the sublime “Come Monday Night.”

Asya, from the all-girl teen band Smoosh, sings lead on “I Just Want Your Jeans,” but the unrefi ned singing seems out of place; the same goes for the album’s jumbled closer, “A Down and Dusky Blonde,” which features fi ve different singers. Because of this, God Help the Girl doesn’t surpass any of the proper Belle and Sebastian studio albums, but next time, if Ireton handles all of the singing duties, it could be a possibility.

— Ernie Paik

NewMusicReviews

God Help the GirlGod Help the Girl(Matador)

The Juan MacLeanThe Future Will Come(DFA)

John MacLean, the main force behind the Juan MacLean, was a member of the abrasive, electro-sci-fi dystopian group Six Finger Satellite in the ’90s, which used Moog synths, post-punk riffs, and a Chrome-inspired attack. MacLean went to an even more electronics-minded state for his current dance-oriented outfi t, with primary muses from the new wave and Italo Disco eras of the early ’80s and house music from the following years.

The hour-long sophomore album from the Juan MacLean, The Future Will Come, has nothing that will particularly alienate fans of the fi ne debut album Less Than Human, and one striking thing about the release is that singer Nancy Whang has a more prominent role than on the previous album. Whang is perhaps better known as a member of LCD Soundsystem (that’s her chanting “North America!” on “North American Scum”), and the front man of LCD Soundsystem, James Murphy, was actually a sound engineer for Six Finger Satellite and encouraged MacLean to start recording again after his stint in that band.

It’s not so surprising, then, that certain moments on The Future Will Come are reminiscent of LCD Soundsystem and even specifi c elements of tracks like “Get Innocuous!” or “Losing My Edge.”

The album kicks off the with “The Simple Life,” which takes its time to build upon a pulsing synth backbone and sturdy disco beat, enhanced by insistent hi-hat hits; half of the song has gone by even before the vocals come in, with Whang and MacLean trading off duties.

MacLean isn’t exactly a strong singer, but he adequately plays the part of a straight-faced, collected, Phil Oakey-type fi gure. Certain unabashedly cheesy-sounding synths may hint at a tongue-in-cheek attitude at times, but the Juan MacLean doesn’t get to the level of ridiculousness of other synth nostalgists like, say, John Maus.

However, the track “One Day” is as close as it gets, particularly with its occasional outbursts of “Heeeey!” mixed with a compelling, dramatic delivery, synth strings, and four-on-the-fl oor beats. Like Less Than Human, the album ends with its longest number, and this time it’s the 12-minute “Happy House,” an infectious dance epic with a two-chord piano riff taken from the house music playbook.

It’s quality ear candy, likely to be one of the best dance releases of the year when the dust has settled, and because of the greater vocal presence, it turns out to be even more enjoyable than its predecessor.

— Ernie Paik

“It’s quality ear candy, likely to be one of the best dance releases of the year when the dust has settled.”


Dear Mexican, Why is it that ever since the U.S./

California let you people immigrate, tunnel, weasel or whatever into this country that nothing good has happened and/or come from it? California’s welfare program is burdened with low-life Hispanics.

The prison system is 70 percent Hispanic, 45 percent gang-based. Real estate values have dropped sharply, violence due to gangs is rampant, and to top it off, all you motherfuckers are somehow related. What—do you have Hispanic incest festivals?

I mean, Jesus Christ, I’d like to go to one restaurant in Southern California and not see a shitload of beaners. Why the fuck can’t you stay in that shit box of a country and leave the U.S. alone?— Fountain Valley Fucktard

Dear Gabacho, Because it’s a shit box, silly!

Many wonderful things have happened in California and the United States since the Reconquista offi cially began in 1965, when the Immigration and Nationality Act made it easier for non-Europeans to invade our shores. The fi lling of lower-rung jobs by Mexican immigrants forced American citizens to fi nd better jobs, spurring the digital revolution.

Revenues have exploded across the United States in those 45 years—how do you think those welfare-taking Mexicans get their government queso? From plucking checks off of branches?

And whither late-night talk show hosts and their Mexican sidekicks? Spare me your causality arguments and get your stats correcto: Latinos make up 38 percent of California’s prison population, and 40 percent of the federal level. Finally, want to visit restaurants with no Mexicans? Try Arby’s.

Dear Mexican,Why do Mexicans make up

stupid names? I’m not talking about indigenous names that sound different, but when you say them, they have a standard pronunciation. I’m concerned about names that are entirely made up, like with extra syllables that aren’t linguistically logical.

I’m also concerned about parents who name their children foreign names that they don’t know how to spell. I’ve meet tons of little Mexican boys named Giovanni, but their moms or dads spell it Giobani, Geovany, Jobany. These spellings aren’t even phonetic in any particular language. This must be really embarrassing for them when they grow up.

Also, I am sick of all the variations of Jazmin—Jasmin pronounced Yasmin, Yazmine, Yasmina, etc. Most of the time the J is pronounced like a Y when, in reality, the fl ower name Jazmin pronounced with the J from jalapeño is really beautiful. Was Disney’s Aladdin really popular among Mexicans or something?

I’m also sick of all the Mexican kids named “Bray - yan” because

Brian is a stupid name, even in English. What happened to naming kids after saints? Did that go out of fashion with the rise of so many Mexican-targeted evangelical movements? I’m just worried that the children of this generation will suffer because no one will take them seriously.— Linguistically Loco

Dear Wab,People bastardizing names is a

hallmark of the human experience: the Hebrew Yochanan is the root for John, Jean, Juan, João, Ivan, Johan, Jan, Evan, Giovanni, Hans, Sean, and many, many other variants. And Mexicans stateside don’t use saints’ names in Spanish because—as I repeat in this column ad nauseum—they assimilate.

As the Mexican’s old UCLA professor Edward Telles and his Department of Sociology colleague Vilma Ortiz showed in their 2008 book, Generations of Exclusion: Mexican Americans Assimilation and Race, the longer Mexicans live in this country, the more likely they’ll bestow non-Spanish names on their children.

No joke from me on this point—just basking at the satisfaction of stats proving the Know Nothing nation wrong again. Give up, already, pendejos!

AskAMexicanby Gustavo Arellano

“I’m also sick of all the Mexican kids

named ‘Bray – yan’ because

Brian is a stupid name,

even in English. What happened to naming kids

after saints? Did that go out of fashion with

the rise of so many Mexican-

targeted evangelical

movements?”

What’s In A Mexican Name?

Ask the Mexican at [email protected], myspace.com/ocwab, fi nd him on Facebook, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433


CANCER (June 21-July 22): I believe that when you chatter carelessly about a big change that’s in the works, you’re in danger of draining it of some of its potency. So I don’t want to trumpet or gossip about the gift that’s on its way to you. I’ll just mention that it’s coming, and urge you to prepare a clean, well-lit place for it to land. Here’s a hint: It could, among other things, help you convert one of your vulnerabilities into a strength or inspire you to start transforming an area of ignorance into a future source of brilliance.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): At the farmer’s market, an escape artist performed in the middle of the street. As a crowd gawked, he had two big strong men tie him up tight in a straitjacket and 50 feet of chain. For the next 20 minutes he shimmied and contorted and bent over backwards. His face grew red and sweaty. There were no Houdini-like magic tricks. There were no puffs of smoke or magic boxes or mirrors or distracting assistants. He rarely spoke as the ordeal progressed, but in the end, after the last of the chains slipped off and he wrestled his way out of the straitjacket, he said simply, “Now I invite all of you to go home and use what I just did as a metaphor for your life.” It was a supremely sexy performance, and I realized maybe it would help you with your current situation.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your concentration for dicey assignments, like conquering fear and adversity, is sharp. And I bet you’ll summon a lot of stamina and resourcefulness if you’re pressed to solve a crucial riddle during a turning point in your own personal hero’s journey. On the other hand, humdrum details have the potential to fl ummox you, especially if they involve tasks you’re not even that interested in or committed to. The moral of the story: Banish absent-mindedness by keeping yourself focused on only the most riveting challenges.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The sky will not start falling. But something resembling heavenly tokens may cascade down with such frequency that you’ll be wise to keep looking up a lot. You never know when another piece of the blessed puzzle will come raining down. And it would be a shame to suffer the embarrassment of having your favorable fortune knock you over. Who’d have ever guessed that a shower of good news would be such a tricky trial?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): How well are you capitalizing on this year’s unique opportunities, Scorpio? Since we’re midway through 2009, let’s take an inventory. I hope that by now you have at least begun building the power spot or energy source that will serve as your foundation for the coming years. So much the better if it’s more than halfway fi nished and will be ready for full use by the end of summer or early fall. Remember my promises: Life has been and will continue to be conspiring to get you settled in your ideal home base, supercharge your relationships with your closest allies, and connect you with the resources that will fuel your long-term quest.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In the Middle Ages, people became adults when they turned seven years old. These days, the threshold is much later. I’m happy about that. In my view, the longer you can hold on to your playful irreverence and innocent lust for life, the better. Still, there is value in taking on the kinds of responsibilities that help you express yourself with grace and power. So I don’t mean to rush you, but it might be time to take a step towards being on the verge of tiptoeing to the brink of preparing to accept more adulthood into your heart. You could make the process less harrowing by hanging out with those rare wise guys and wise girrrls who’ve survived the transition to greater maturity and a higher degree of professionalism with their youthful fl air more or less intact.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I don’t care what you feel this week, as long as you don’t feel nothing. Get infl amed with hunger or justice or sadness or beauty or love, but don’t submit

to apathy. Don’t let yourself be shunted into numbness. You can’t afford to be cut off from the source of your secret self, even if it means having to feel like hell for a while. And the odd thing is that if you’re willing to go through hell, you won’t have to go through hell. So to hell with your poker face and neutrality and dispassionate stance. Be a wild thing, not a mild thing.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The Iliad is an ancient Greek epic poem that describes events near the end of the Trojan War. Most modern critics regard it as a foundation stone of Western literature. In my opinion, though, it’s mostly just a gruesome tale of macho haters who are infl amed with pride, treat women like property, and can’t stop killing each other. I share the perspective of poet Diane di Prima, who once had a dream in which the Iliad was cast as gangsta rap. Now please adopt the style of our critique for use in your own life, Aquarius. What supposedly noble or important situation is actually pretty trivial or clichéd? It’s time for you to tell the truth about the hype.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “May you live in interesting times.” That old toast is actually a droll curse meant to be heaped upon an enemy. “Interesting” implies rapid change, rampant uncertainty, and constant adjustment. What’s preferable is to live during a boring era when stability reigns. Or so the argument goes. But I reject that line of thought. I celebrate the fact that we’re embroiled in interesting times. I proclaim our struggles to navigate the sharp turns and uphill climbs to be a jubilee of the fi rst degree. What fantastic luck it is to be on the planet when everything mutates! May we be up to the task of bringing heaven down to earth. May we be worthy of the trust the universe is placing in us. Now get out there, Pisces, and enjoy the hell out of the epic and entertaining drama we’re stewarding. This is your time to be a leader and a luminary.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Miracle of miracles: A pointless pain in the butt will soon stop bugging you. Meanwhile, an annoying itch in your heart is subsiding, and may even disappear. As a result of these happy developments, you will be able to concentrate on a much more interesting and provocative torment that has been waiting impatiently for your loving attention. Actually, it’s an ancient torment dressed up in a new package. But as before, it’s a torment you’ve never had the right name for. That’s about to change, however. You’re fi nally ready to fi nd the right name for it, and when you do, you’ll be halfway toward a permanent cure.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): When he was growing up, the father of basketball superstar Pat Riley forced him to play basketball with kids who were stronger and tougher than he was. He said it forged his son into a winner. I can see the principle at work, but it doesn’t come naturally to me. In my efforts to provide you with the parenting you missed as a kid, I’ve always preferred a gentler, more nurturing approach. Nevertheless, the time has come to override my personal desires for the sake of your character-building needs. I recommend that you force yourself to play with grown-up kids who’re stronger and tougher than you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I wouldn’t get too agitated about the supposed “writing on the wall” if I were you. The handwriting is not God’s, for God’s sake. It’s not even that of a wise elder or young genius. So don’t attribute too much authority to it, please. It’s just the opinion of someone who doesn’t know any more about the ultimate truth than you do. So I suggest you cover it up with black spray paint and then carefully inscribe your own version of the writing on the wall. Reality is especially malleable right now, so the most forcefully expressed prophecy will probably come true.

Homework: Write a parable or fairy tale about what your life has been like so far in 2009. FreeWillAstrology.com.

Free Will Astrology By Rob Brezsny


JONESIN’ “I'm Getting Dizzy”

–turns to turn your brain to mush.

By Matt Jones

©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords ([email protected]) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0422.

Solution To Last Week’s Puzzle

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Across 1 L.A. County shore area12 Liqueur found in a grasshopper14 Traveling that may make you dizzy15 Tough Tolkien creatures16 Give off18 Campus that’s about an hr. from Concord19 Egg shapes24 Bottom-of-page abbr.25 “My Life in Ruins” actress Vardalos26 Blood cell defi ciency that may cause dizziness27 German river28 TV recording device29 “The Phantom of the Opera” novelist Gaston30 “Design on a Dime” channel31 Where a Cockney wears his ‘at32 Clearblue Easy competitor33 Horse hair34 Digital camera variety, for short35 They make you dizzy while redecorating a room39 “___ dat” (“agreed”)40 Tall apartment building41 Arkansas real estate group under scrutiny

in the Whitewater investigations43 Submariner watch maker44 Napkin spot47 ___ number on48 “1234” singer50 “Born Free” fi gure57 Kids’ activity that causes dizziness58 Diffi cult situations

Down 1 Diner where “Alice” took place2 “What ___ supposed to say?”3 “Dancing With the Stars” judge Goodman4 Original publisher of the “For Dummies” book series5 Wager6 Surgery site located on a Florida campus, for short7 Sewing gathering8 Nonunion quartet?9 Suit to ___10 Drink that may make you dizzy11 Pauses before acting12 Attractions that may cause dizziness13 Songwriter-husband of Minnie Riperton and father of “SNL” alum Maya

14 Most healthy17 “Fringe” star Anna19 Average poker hand20 Hitchcock movie that may make you dizzy21 “I love,” in Latin22 Lucy of “Kill Bill: Vol. 1”23 Brass with a reed26 Start of the Hebrew alphabet27 “Tsk tsk!”33 Performing arts library abbr.36 Stanley Cup org.37 Uno plus uno plus uno38 Dose of what you desire42 Low-cost synthesizer brand44 Capt.’s inferior45 Charity orgs., maybe46 Condition once called “shell shock,” for short48 Yell on the links49 Boss Hogg’s deputy51 Antwerp International Airport’s code on luggage tags52 Spike TV, formerly53 Go quickly54 Multipurpose doc, for short55 Some shirt sizes: abbr.56 Actor McKellen of “The Da Vinci Code”

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The Pulse - Vol. 6, Issue 28

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