The Pasquinade (September)

Friday, September 14th, 2012

Issue 1 Volume I

Class of '16

The Welcome Back Issue

Page 3:

Brush Up Your Shakespeare

Page 5:

Not So Tari!c

Pages 11 & 12:

F%$#@& Formal Fueds

In !is Issue of

!e Pasquinade

Friday September 14th

2012

Page Number

1

The Pasquinade Staff

Editor-in-Chief: Dana Siegel

Editor of Very Important Things: Ken Dahl

Editor of Foolish Mistakes: Hugh Jass

Editor to The Stars: Anita Knapp

Editor of All That Is Good: Ivana Puncha

Editor of All That is Not So Good: Holden McRotch

Publisher: Dana SiegelEditorial

Publication

2012 - 2013

Friday September 14th

2012

Page Number

2

Inside the September Issue

Brush Up on Your Shakespeare ...

10 Things Not To Include... Page 4

Not So Tariffic... Page 5

The Battle of The Bay... Page 6

Get Out Your TiVo... Page 7 & 8

Keys To The Matchup... Page 9

I Enjoy Being a Girl... Page 10

F%$#@& Formal Feuds... Page 11 & 12

Editorial Publication

2012 - 2013

Friday September, 14th

2012

Page Number

3

Brush Up Your Shakespeare

Becky McCable

Me !inks My Father Doth Protest Too Much.

Travel doth make an education my father has o" said and forsooth me thinks him right but not in the way he means. Prithee, harken to this tale of our fortnightly excursion on the public roads. My father, mother, and I set out at noon, as has been our wont and I will say in sooth that our trips are nay a bed of roses and this day was especially accursed. It all began jocund enough. We few, we happy band of Siegels, drove past ocean views, the coast was clear and we looked for a spot to tarry, perchance to have a nosh.

Ere we could stop and #ll our maws, one of the diverse drivers in our orbit began to swerve and move beyond his lane and limits into our path! “Look at yonder puking, plume-plucked patch,” barked my dad, “He’s driving like a pribbling, pox-marked pignut!” “Nay, husband,” soothed mother, “Tis a waste of precious powers to attend to such a nut-hook knave.” Now belike father didn’t hear or mayhaps just didn’t care as was o"en his way, for by my troth, he speeded up and headed for the fray. “Sirrah!” he brayed as he pulled level with the o$ending rascal. “Wherefore do you maneuver so, thou beslubbering, beef-witted, canker-blossom?” Mom and I would as lief just disappear, for we knew what would transpire.

Our foe stared back with hateful glare and roared, “Stop and come without, thou dankish, milk-livered, maggot-pie and I’ll rip your limbs asunder!” “Ay,” answered Dad.

“Henceforth know that you peril life and limb to taunt me thus thou fen-sucked, infectious, huggermugger. I happen to have a black belt…and by the by I o"en wear it with my grey pantaloons and shiny back buckled boots!” and he pulled our coach to the roadside. “Fie on thee,” hissed Mom. “!is will not end well, Husband!” Dad was set to answer her when he glanced into the rearview mirror.

“Odds botkins!” he groaned. “!e sheri$ comes nigh!” “Be cooleth,” warned Mom. “Nay, woman, never fear. He’s nothing but a common kern. I’ll give this gorbellied, sheep-biting, hedge-pig a piece of my mind and send him hence!” Father stepped out to face the constable. I couldn’t hear every word. !e police man did all the talking and I could pick up the occasional “spleeny ratsbone” and “droning, doghearted, dewberry”. Dad got all red faced but all I heard him say was “Yes Sir,” and “No, I don’t think I do care to get mewed up, thank you.” And then we were homeward bound.

Never did we get our nosh. Forsooth, father was no patch, travel hath a way of teaching. Henceforth, when we happy few, we band of Siegels, venture on the roads, my father’s wife, dear mom, doth driveth.

Dana SiegelEditor-in-Chief


2012

Page Number

4

10 Things NOT To Include In Your College Essay

We’re not strangers to the beast that is the college essay; in fact, we’ve slain thousands amongst us. So much is at stake in only !ve hundred words or less. We could tell you exactly what to write but instead we are going to sel!shly keep those secrets to ourselves. Get out your pencils and paper- take some notes. Here’s the list of ten things you should de!nitely not include in your college essays. Seriously, don’t do these things.

1. Avoid sounding like a closed-minded bigot. Rather than bringing that up in your essay, let the mystery linger until you !ll out your roommate forms.

2. You do not have a greater understanding of lower class struggles because your family has a live-in maid.

3. Your epic, raging, seventeen-year-old party life is only a plus on the University of Colorado application.

4. You cannot seduce your way into college. Maybe you can try in the interview but we aren’t helping you with your interview.

5. Your college essay is not a tweet or a Facebook status update. No hashtags. No acronyms. #itsnotasadorableorcleverasyouthink #yolo.

6. A compelling story about your struggles and successes as an entrepreneur should not be supported with examples of your powerful drug ring.

7. Going to Roscoe’s Chicken and Wa"es does not make you tolerant. Neither does talking about how you voted for Obama.

8. No essays disparaging organized religion, especially if you’re applying to Notre Dame.

9. It’s best not to mention that your psychiatrist thinks that your most violent symptoms are probably controllable with medication.

10. Don’t deliberately set out to be funny. Otherwise you’ll end up with a page like this.

#ese are our lucky ten tips. Fool proof. Avoid these common mistakes and you’ll instantly improve your chances of acceptance. Only a couple more months and then the madness is over and the waiting begins. We’ll see you at the end of this sequestration. Good luck seniors!


2012

Page Number

5

Not So

Tarif!c

During ASB’s elaborate Battle of the Bay rally, Harbor students enjoyed the skilled performances of music, dance, cheer and video. !e crowd’s excitement grew in anticipation of the evening’s big game when, unexpectedly, the spirited atmosphere changed as a new Tommy Tar–esque image appeared and ran out to center stage. !e enthusiastic cheers quickly dissolved into boos and shocked disappointment. It was startling.

We were presented with this new “thing” at our most important pep rally. First I thought it was a clever prank played by CDM! Considering the years of successful rallies and dances that ASB has produced for us, the choice of the image of our new “Tommy” seemed unusually detached. A"er all, nothing says, “Go Newport” like a demented, cross-eyed, menacing, Jersey-Shore, roid-raged mascot. It is bad enough that Tar’s name is synonymous

with cheap Mexican heroin. Let’s not add insult to injury by making him look like the local pusher. According to ASB President Konner Speth, the school’s old mascot costume was worn out, unsanitary, and unusable. When they investigated replacing Tommy’s mask, they found there was no way to keep Harbor’s iconic sailor as a Popeye look-a-like because of potential copyright infringement problems. !e story behind the new design is cloudy and convoluted. No one accepts responsibility for the new Tommy Tar. !e students should have had a voice in choosing a replacement image for the school mascot. Harbor’s old Popeye look-alike represented Harbor proudly for decades. Surely more thought went into creating the original Tommy Tar than went into his mutilation.

Of course he’s only a mascot but he embodies the school’s tradition, a sense of fun and sportsmanship and his image will be passed on to future Harbor students. Let’s make a collective decision to leave a legacy to be proud of. King Features, a subsidiary of Hearst Corp. owns the rights to Popeye. Perhaps they would be amenable to a extending a favor to Newport Harbor and allow the school to continue to use the Popeye image, especially considering that the character’s face is part of a long Newport tradition. If King Features remains unpersuaded, then students should contribute to creating a modern image that everyone supports and appreciates.

Dana Siegel

Editor-in-Chief


2012

Page Number

6

The Battle of The Bay Goes On

Reasons #104 & 367 That Newport Harbor is Better Than Corona del Mar

THX 2 G.LARSON THX 2 G.LARSON


2012

Page Number

7

It’s almost impossible for teenagers to !nd a true north to set their moral compass nowadays. "e bad news is there is a lower standard of entertainment. "e good news is this crap is available twenty-four-seven on cable, broadcast TV, and the Internet. How about this for a television production idea: we’ll get seven or eight super-annuated morons, put them in a house in the low rent district of the Jersey Shore and then we all get a chance to be peeping toms and watch the shenanigans of their orange-tanned, drunken hi-jinx. "ese are world-class binge drinkers who dance with their hands and arms, not their feet, pumping as they psyche themselves up for an evening of promiscuity and vomiting. Of course this cast of characters from “"e Jersey Shore” deserves special names. "ere’s “"e Situation”, whose situation is that he would be unemployable except for a spot on this show as a resident idiot.

Get Out Your TiVo; You Don’t Want to Miss a Second of This

For example, in one show he avoided a physical confrontation by banging his own head against a wall and sending himself to the emergency room with a concussion. "en, of course, there is one of the major females who, !ghting a constant and mainly losing battle with any brassiere she

wears, earned the name JWoww. "e cast is rounded out by the always battling Ronnie and Sammi, the constantly tanned and well-oiled Pauly D, and the ever popular and perfect role model, Snookie. "is group of miscreants has had

several years of success, and instead of being regarded as a pack of bu#oons they’ve emerged as role models for a certain growing culture of American teens. Or if you feel that teens should take their lead from more mature TV personalities, I o#er “"e Real Housewives”. It makes no di#erence which city is being shamed by these women; it can be New York, Atlanta, Beverly Hills, or right here in Orange County. Each and every group has created a road map of greed, avarice, jealousy, ignorance, dishonesty, pettiness and blondeness. We can thank Bravo for coast-to-coast visibility into watching marriages destroyed, businesses ruined, families bankrupt, and palatial homes

blog.ernmydegree.com

mirror.co.uk.com


2012

Page Number

8

repossessed. !ese childish women "ght about brief snippy comments that diss aspects of their out"ts as if you were slamming their honor. Which is what should be happening. In every episode the producers pit the women against each other in an attempt to start WW3. While they’ve come close at times, they’ve found it’s ultimately impossible to control stupid. It’s a bit frightening when you consider how women show up in droves to auditions to make it on to a show that is

Get Out Your TiVo; You Don’t Want to Miss a Second of This

guaranteed to destroy their already pathetic and crumbling lives. Are there really so many whackjob crazy women nowadays? Are the women of our generation destined to turn into the same breed of narcissistic dimwits? You may accuse me of exaggerating by picking these shows. !ere is always 16 and Pregnant, My Super Sweet Sixteen, Cribs, any of the Survivor shows or wedding programs, Bad Girls Club, Basketball Wives, to name merely a few of the quality TV programs popular today. I don’t have a crystal ball but it looks to me like

America is moving into a golden age. Of course CSPAN can be like watching paint dry,

but there are some good, sophisticated, entertaining shows on TV. It won’t kill us to watch the news once in a while and maybe leave the history channel on for a few minutes if you accidently stumble upon it. !e PBS stations air brilliant dramas and extraordinary documentaries. You’ll really learn something. It’ll all come in handy some day in case you want to have a conversation with someone with more than a middle school education.

madamenoire.com

usmagazine.com


2012

Page Number

9

KEYS TO THE MATCH UPNewport Villa Park

CIF LEAGUE FOOTBALL GAME

-Make the opposing quarterback uncomfortable in the pocket by asking him pointed personal questions throughout the game

-Have kicker Michael Shultz kick every PAT from the 37 yard line

-Cole Norris has proven to be a great comeback quarterback, so make sure he rests for at least three and a half quarters of the game

-Newport has done very well on the road this year, which means their home crowd is not supportive and they appreciate a nice change of pace

-To boost team morale, Coach Brinkley should o!er milk and cookies to the team if they win

-Outcome of the game will be decided by who wants it more, so no need to worry about touchdowns or "eld goals

-Respect the Sailors' run game, even if it does nothing for you

-Spartans are known for being tough, but Popeye can also be tough, so both mascots are probably pretty tough

-Villa Park needs to be a courteous host and o!er to bring the orange slices and chewy bars for hal#ime

-RB Meki Tafuna is a threat to score whenever the Spartans are within 80 yards of the endzone

-If you get nervous, just picture the other team in their underwear


2012

Page Number

10

I Enjoy Being a Girl? Fashion isn’t fair! Boys just go to the hamper, pick out the few pieces that smell least, run a wet comb through their hair, and head o! to school. "ey have no idea what we girls have to go through everyday. Never mind the weekend pre-date regimen. It may not be literally necessary to get up an hour before we go to sleep, but it’s close to the truth. "ere is that morning shower. Including a shampoo and hair conditioning and a reminder that your singing career will never make it. "en there is the trusty razor and shaving cream to maintain a silky-smooth veneer. A little basic foundation and concealer are applied. Oh god. Here come the eyes. And by eyes, that

means lashes, lids, and brows. A 15-minute blow dry. Sometimes followed by a 20 minute #at iron or curling iron session in which girls and their damaged hair bond (unlike their developing split ends). And now comes the tough time-consuming part: selecting the out$t you’ll wear to grace the halls of Harbor. As stylish women we all keep one eye on the latest fashion trends in magazines and around the world and the other eye on what our friends are wearing and buying. Once you get past our cross-eyed expressions you can appreciate the

trouble and stress we su!er choosing what to wear, and how to wear it. "e $rst consideration is the clothes. "e second is the weather. "e third is how can we still wear what we wanted to wear in spite of the weather. It’s a truly daunting task. So what is fashion? It’s a mask that we wear for the world. It’s a small advertisement for who you are, “here’s what I’d like you to think of me.” To some extent it helps establish our station in life. It’s a standard by which we judge others and are willing to be judged ourselves.

It is important because we say it is and it powers an enormous industry driven by the potential of billions of dollars in revenue and the sel$sh, self-interest of the designers and manufacturers in the industry. It is in the interest of the stylists to fascinate us with the length of hemlines, the latest fashion colors and the urge to change and renew our wardrobes regularly. If you looked at fashion magazines from a decade or two ago you’d be startled by the changes in female modesty. Girls show up at school now who are dressed in a fashion more suited for the local Gentlemen’s Club. When that market for skimpy, salacious fashion is saturated, we’ll be urged to wear maxi skirts and granny dresses, striving for a more chaste look. "ere is something in the genes, the psyche, the medulla oblongata of the female that will make us go for the change. A%er all, that’s what fashion is. It’s fun. tofw.com


2012

Page Number

11

F%$#@& Formal Fueds Here’s a situation that just wouldn’t go down. Two guys, best friends forever, having a cat!ght over Winter Formal arrangements. “What do you mean you’re wearing a black suit and grey tie?” the football player questions, rolling his eyes dramatically. His lacrosse friend glares and agitatedly exclaims, “No. What do you mean?! Because I’m wearing a black suit and grey tie!” In an infuriated voice, the football player retorts, “You’re going to change your out!t because I wouldn’t be caught dead in anything you’d wear! And if you don’t, I’ll tell the whole school about you and Hannah, Allison, and all the other girls. Don’t push me, cause I’ll do it.” And then a Mean Girls worthy !ght scene breaks out, leading to hair pulling, weight insults, and gossipy threats. "at would never happen. So why do teenage girls

sometimes behave as irrationally as these !ctional formal-crazed jocks? Formal should be the bright, shining beacon of light ending the !rst semester. A fun evening. "e girls get dolled up and gorgeous and the boys take their monthly baths and become handsome James Bonds. Knott’s Berry Farm is all ours for an evening of elegance and fun. But a few PMSing, overdramatic, paranoid, obsessive, emotional, and irrational teenage girls manage to suck the joy out of the evening by overcomplicating and overdramatizing the

planning and prep for this girl-ask-boy dance. "e boys don’t have this problem when they make prom plans. Proof that planning for a terri!c evening can be done without the drama. "e craziness begins in September, when girls think is the appropriate time to worry about a date to a dance that is 5 months away. Let’s look at that again. You’re making a date half a year in advance. Why are you taking on this stress? Knowing how life can throw you curves, you will probably hate the guy you’ve asked come January. "e problem is

intensi!ed when you all realize you only have 5 months to get your dress, shoes, and accessories. Any girl who dares to look at the same dress you’re considering becomes Public Enemy #1 and it takes all of your Cotillion training to keep you from tackling her and wrestling her for the gown. Tension builds as the event draws nearer. Every super!cial, petty decision becomes earth shattering. “Should the limo be black or white? Or should it be a party bus? Where is the dinner going to be? What will it be? Is there a

forsistersbysisters.com


2012

Page Number

12

F%$#@& Formal Fueds restaurant in Southern California that everyone will agree on? Will there be an a!er party? Will that B$#&% Samantha ask the same guy I want to ask?” It’s when best friends consider settling matters with pistols at dawn but settle for nasty tweets and Facebook blasts at midnight. No one remains neutral. Everyone feels obliged to take sides. Frequently that means taking both sides, at the same time. Finally, it’s the night of the dance.

"e boys show up a!er hours of scrubbing, looking shiny and handsome. "anks to some professional painting and sculpting the girls are ready, too. "ere has been compromise, and

hardly any bloodshed. "e excitement of the event trumps hard feelings. A positive party atmosphere takes hold. It’s going to be a gala night of excitement. Ladies, you

know there are plenty of dresses, hairstyles, shoes, dinner venues, and #sh in the sea. It’s a night of communal fun and we should share the spotlight with our schoolmates and not turn the shops of Fashion Island into boxing rings. Our high school years $y by; so let’s make some good memories. Of course, none of us will learn a thing and the process will start all over again next September.

egonsunicat.bandcamp.com

Formal Fun...

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xaxor.com

pushthemovement.tumblr.com

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Dana SiegelEditor-in-Chief

Friday, September 14th, 2012

Issue 1 Volume I

Look For the next issue of

friday October 12,

2012

The Pasquinade (September)

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