The Madison InvestigationA Tale about Capital Corruption

Written and Illustrated by

Ryan Jaeckel

Location: Bascom Hall, UW Campus Case Details: On Nov 28th, at 8:00am Biddy Martin, the Chancellor of the University of Wisconsin Madison, called 911. She was frantic. Someone had slipped a violent and threatening letter under her door after she left work the previous night.Victim Statement: “I demand justice! We are looking for you. We are going to find you, homeboy!”

This is an official account of the investigation by Madison Police to apprehend the offendor.

Location: Humanities Building, UW CampusSuspect:Dennis MillerOccupation: Associate Professor of Graphic DesignOutstanding Evidence: The letter was well designed.Alibi: “I spent the entire evening in my art lofts studio working on a robot capable of making typefaces”

Location: Campus Barber, 600 block of State St.Suspect:Buford ModaneOccupation: Barber ExtroidinareOutstanding Evidence: Biddy disliked the haircut he most recently gave her. She said it was too boring.Alibi: “That weekend I was in Bavaria, at the world’s Handlebar Moustache Fair”

Location: State St. Brats, 500 Block of State St.Suspect: George WynellOccupation: Manager of State St. BratsOutstanding Evidence: The letter was greasy. It had mustard stains on it and smelled like beer and brats.Alibi: “Biddy’s my best customer, she comes in daily, twice sometimes. So of course her office smells like brats!”

Location: Knuckelheads, 400 Block of State St.Suspect:Willet MurphyOccupation: Customer Service RepresentitiveOutstanding Evidence: An absurdly large cigar was discovered still smoking on the floor of the crime scene.Alibi: “Thats the most expensive cigar we sell.Biddy usually buys a bunch for her poker nights”

Location: Ragstock, 300 Block of State St.Suspect: Sharleena BoHiggleyOccupation: Used clothes stockerOutstanding Evidence: A Cosby sweater was found in her office beside the threatening letter. It was presumed hers.Alibi: “Biddy’s Cosby sweater was just unsellable, so my boss told me to return it to her asap, so I did like he said.”

Location: Jack’s Shoes, 200 Block of State St.Suspect: Jack CalhounOccupation: Shoe SalesmanOutstanding Evidence: Witnesses saw Calhoun walking out of Bascom Hall in an agitated manner.Alibi: “I was power-walking up Bascom Hill in my new wooden exercise clogs and stopped in for water.”

Location: Michaelangelo’s, 100 Block of State St.Suspect: Edweena KnoxOccupation: BaristaOutstanding Evidence: Tests showed the letter was stained with Michaelangelo’s special hazelnut house coffee blend.Alibi: “I worked a double shift that day. When things got busy I accidentally bumped into the Governor and spilled coffee on some of his letters.

Location: Governor’s Office, The Capital Building:Suspect: Scott WalkerOccupation: Governor of WisconsinOutstanding Evidence: Suspect was seen by witnesses holding coffee stained letters at various places in Madison.Alibi: “I’m the Governor. I’m allowed to send official business.Besides, Biddy had it coming! During the last poker night at her place she cheated, she had cards up her sleeves!”

Governor Walker was apprehended after his outburst and taken in for further questioning.

Closing Details: During the interrogation, Governor Walker confessed in full detail to the authorities. Court Case: Walker chose William Shatner to head his legal council. He was calm in court and plead guilty to all charges.Court Ruling: Walker is not allowed within 2,000 feet of Bascom Hall and must begin seeing a psychiatrist for his gambling problems.

Since the trial, Biddy Martin Joined the Witness Protection Program and her whereabouts are undisclosed at this point. Rumors report herworking as a lounge singer in Reno Nevada.

This official government document is highly fictional and is of no legal importance. Persons described within may or may not actually exist.