The Life and Notes of a Mad Man

8/14/2019 The Life and Notes of a Mad Man

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I dedicate this book to all those that have been there for me for better or worse. And

those that have stuck with me through all of this.


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Preface

The purpose of this book is to show what goes on in the mind of a not so normal person. I

felt this could help others understand people like me. And I thought it might also show

those like me they are not alone. And if nothing else leave my legacy behind.

In this book I will start with some descriptions of me and my daily life. I throw my self to

the wolves in the first few parts. Then you will see some my thoughts and ideas over the

past year. The deluxe version has pictures so go deluxe. These ideas and thoughts are in

no order really. To give the feeling as though they where flowing strait from my mind.

This was and is designed in chaos so you can feel the confusion like some of us. Some of

the content is short stories and the start of some stories that never got finished. But most

is things I wrote from things I call sparks. A spark is something like if I hear a word orsee something and get a flood of thoughts. Normally this will be a few words a friend

says to me or something completely random I over hear. These work for my art as well.

A drawing can come to me in seconds or drag on for eternity. Again if you got deluxe

you will get the drawings and pictures. Those give great insight in to my mind or lack of

one you could say. But I think its time to move on to the good stuff. So I hope you find

something in here you enjoy. And thank you for reading this


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The puzzle

It has been a wild ride these last few months. I have done and seen some crazy things. I

even did things I never thought I would. There have been many great things, and I am not

going to start to lie now there have been many bad times. I have lost many things that I

do not wish to have back; they have only made me freer. I have spread among friends

dividing myself, Making different sides and pieces to me. Most believe they now most all

of me, but I only wish that they did. Some know this some know that it is all just another

piece. No one has all the pieces Im not sure that I even do. Like I have said I have done

many things even felt some new things. I am going to throw some of the cards on the

table for whom ever it may concern. Now if you believe me an little innocent child do not

continue.

I have gone out and partied all night nothing to wild but a start. Now were starting to get

deeper. In the past 4 months I have tried to kill myself. Next I have started smoking now

and again but not much. Now heres a biggie I have consumed drugs, only once but that

changes nothing. For writing this I will most likely be disowned by a few people. I hope

these people will understand why I havent told then or why I have done some of these

things. Now I will move along to one of the best things that have happened. I have fallen

for a special lady. One that even if I never tell her just being her friend will make me the

happiest guy to live. I have found life outside my wall and for once I like it. I am lost inthis big new world but am learning to live with it a step at a time.

I finally have pushed myself hard enough to want a job. Now I am looking for free lance

computer/repair work. With plans to save and get myself my first motor bike, I have been

thinking that through for some time ever since I started working on them. Also I wanted

to save for a hookah yes I also smoke that. I need to start these in motion first by getting

my id then my world opens wider. And in this time I have found I like helping people.

Mainly I do this through my listening but I found I like to just do things for others giving

a helping hand. I also found myself to be more like others fitting in when not trying. I

now have a need for people in my life; I no longer wish to be alone. Life is starting and I

feel I finally can do it. But thats just another piece of me.


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Ok so I have been told and read that I should write down the things I have been going

through. Its hard to think of where to start. Well its hard to think as it is. I think the

most dominate is the moods or more like mood swings. That I am now calling shifts. I

will try to get what I can in this, its hard to think of and remember most of the things so

bare with me. As of the time of writing this I am in my neutral shift. So my shifts(moods) are many in number and how often they are. There are four main shifts but there

are many smaller ones. The main four are as follows happy (like being high), sad (like

not wanting to exist), hyper (talking fast, randomly jumping from thing to thing and so

on), neutral. These four happen the most and are somewhat daily. Most of the time I will

start hyper go to happy then fall to sad and it is really like falling. If Im lucky my day is

mostly neutral. But I would like to go in to more detail on these shifts. I will go in order

as before starting with happy.

So happy is as I have said like being high. You feel as if you can do anything, on top of

the world is one way you could put it. You have no worries at all, no thought of what

might happen. Your thoughts flow free as if you to think you need to speak it. So you say

whatever youre thinking. But at some point you space out and get lost. Sometimes happy

crosses over with hyper but I will tell more on hyper latter. Shifting in to happy is great

but for a few things. First there is always the chance of being paranoid. Then theres the

part that its all part of the roller coaster. And happy is the exciting rise of the coaster to

the peak. Then when it leaves you, you plummet down the frightening track phasing to

the next shift sad.

In sad the most common feeling I have is of being depressed. But thats not all there is to

it. This is actually the most complex and difficult to explain. One of the best words to

describe it is nothingness. Now nothingness is more then just not wanting to live any

longer. Its a feeling of not feeling most other things. And having no will to do anything.

Sometimes even the lack of will to even move just sitting there wishing for none

existence. But sad can be picked up from others around you. This shift can make you feel

the pains of everyone around you. But that is better then the nothingness that is the worst

thing you can ever feel. The nothingness can physically give you pain as well. If i'm

lucky from here I would go phase to neutral. But luck is hardly ever on my side so I most

likely go to hyper.


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Hyper is pretty much what it sounds like. The first noticeable sign is fast or excessive

talking. Its kind of like adhd on speed. There is all so the thoughts. Your mind is like

hopping from thing to thing over and over. And the thoughts are almost all random. They

move so fast it gets confusing. And your memory of short term gets pretty bad. This gives

me head aches sometimes. Even light headed faint or nauseas. People many times have ahard time keeping up with me and get lost easily. And of coarse concentration is close to

none existent. Making it difficult to do anything or be around others. But thank who ever

when this is over I am most likely to phase over to neutral.

Neutral how I am now. This is the normal me. There are really not many things I can say

about this. When I am like this theres not much going on. My thoughts are clear like this.

I dont feel really happy, sad, mad or much else. Its not that Im numb its just theres not

much going on and Im more thick skinned. And in this shift I can see and analyze whats

been going on. Well like this I can very easily go in to one of the many other moods.

For the rest of the time there are some minor moods. These can be many things like

anger, confusion, things of that kind. These mini moods are more like feeling a feeling

over a period of time. These can also be had or felt well in a main mood.

So to sum it up on the mood thing. The moods come on at ant time. But around some

people they never come out. I am looking for triggers if any to what makes the changes.

So I am learning to work with it and understand it. I am taking steps to lessen how strong

the moods are (so far not working to well). For example of something Im trying: I try to

surround myself with friends or if need be any people I can find, well in the sad mood. So

far this is the only thing that I have tried that has worked (and all it does is make sure I

dont hurt myself). For the anger I just try to use self control.

Next up energy and sleep. Well here we go lets start with the energy. Ok I will try to

make this short and sweet. So sometimes Im just bursting with it. So mush I find it hard

to stay still constantly fidgeting. And at other times theres little to none. Now we go to

sleep. Sleep is random sometimes I will need it every ten hours. Sometimes I cant get

any for days. But this is only really a problem when I need to do something the next day.

There is also the problem of when I wake. The main one would be when I wake to the


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mood of sad. This makes me lay there for hours sometimes. And there is not much I can

do about that. And thats just about all I got on that.

Now for whats wrong with me. Well I will throw out a list of possible things. Most ofthese are from the research I have been doing. Well lets start this mood disorder, bipolar,

bipolar 2, and there might be Im just crazy who would have guessed. With all this put

together I am hopping for mood disorder or bipolar 2. but for the love of god I hope its

not bipolar or crazy. But in the end if I have any of these whats the difference. I will still

be doing and need to be doing whats going on now. My hope for writing this is to

hopefully know whats going on and know what Im taking a whacking away at.

Whats up doc?They tell me I have a problem. So they told me to come here. Im not sure what to say or

if anything. It seems you understand even in my silence. Did I tell you I like computers?

Maybe I can talk to you. Ok what do you want to know? Sure I guess I can tell you about

me. Well what do you think, pretty bad right?

I screwed up again what do I do now. Well I guess, ok Ill try again. So do you know

whats wrong with me yet? To tell the truth I dont really care I like my hole. I

accidentally forgot to take my medicine for a week. But I feel great I even went to school

everyday this week. I dont think Im going to take medicine anymore. Hey I go places

now and have lots of friends isnt it great

Wow I had a bad day today. I dont know what to do. I get sick just going places now.

What now Im lost. Another doctor for medicine, ok Ill try. Wow I feel better I can do

things now. Whats this new thing? I get it now Im feeling. So this is happy, but why

does sad hurt so bad now


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Life is great now but its confusing. I think theres something wrong. I have been

watching myself. I think Im getting better now

Theres this girl, this is confusing me I think I like her. I think its more than liking now, I

think dare I say it I may just love her. Im really changing I feel and care now. These arenew to me, and I have found drive for life. Im leading my life now. I wake myself every

morning for school get ready and go. I now care what happens next

What now? I dont need to ask that anymore. Im in the now Im still kind of screwed up

but Im living life. I am part of the world now. And I am not done, I still need help. But I

still want to say thank you for caring and looking out for whats next.

CompleteOne step by and thoughts follow in floods. Consuming no way of other thoughts cast into

a rounding process to seemingly never end. Caught here and now for the moment and

lost. For if others could hear these thoughts there conclusions would point in only one

way. I try to believe it not true but it is just lies. Then again the pain will always be there.

Swirl through again down down faster it goes. No one knows where it ends. Rush it slow

it, nothing works your in it now. What to do pull the reins or push it through. A warm

stream runs down my cheek and cools. Making me smile knowing now I am still human.

I die a little more inside every time I am reminded that I can not be with you. But I can

not stop thinking of you no mater how hard I try. Just your presents can make me smile

but always makes me happy. I can no longer say these feelings are not true. Even though

you may never read this, if I were to die tomorrow I wish you to have this.

My thoughts filled with joy consumed with sadness and sorrow. A sight into my mindscarring me such thoughts whirling. Feeling like I can run a mile but cant move an inch.

I did not ask for this I did not want this. None the less it is there and hard to put a side.

Just a few week ago if someone where to tell me these things I would have called them

liar and its not possible. Now I can see it feel it and so much need it. This feels as if it

will be the death of me. I have nothing I can do but tell her and never return. Because it

cant be wont be and what ever sanity I have left is now slipping away.


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WordsThe mind flows free. Words come out like their one with the thoughts. Words need no

voice they create their own. Words need no voice they can touch you deep cut you deep.

They have the power to hurt or heal. They are our thoughts and ideas. A viral plague that

can spread hate and love. A message for all to hear, see and not to fear like so much in a

world that can or can not feel. They are that freedom that no one can take away no matter

how hard they try. They are the mind that controls the body.

TimeTime what is it you think of time. Is it relative standing still and moving all so fast at the

same moment. What would you do if you had a few weeks to live? Go out and live like

never before. Spend it with your friends you hold dear. Maybe do all the stupid things

you always wanted to do. Maybe even turn it in to one day and make it quick and easier.

Pack that lifetime in to a day do more than if you lived a hundred more years. Say all that

you have wished to say to them all. And at the end of that day sit and think to yourself

that was the best then good bye.

WaitWhat is it like being you? What are you doing in this place full of hate? I wonder

sometimes about things of all nature. Things I should maybe ask you. Like what does

your blood taste like? Is it sour it cant be sweet nothing can be sweet anymore. Does it

run or does it drip and how much of a crimson is it. Would you scream as it flowed or

watch in terror, maybe watch in aw of its splendor. Can you find your way through a

maze without pain? Are you just another human in dismay? If I told you a story would

you listen. Would you leave this world for a time long enough to hold witness. This isnothing for the fray hold strong or you might stay. Make your peace just in case. This

will be a place that may never let free of you. No promises will be made whats made is

made. Come along time is short.


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But then I was doing something as simple as pouring a can of cans in a bag. So I do this

and it works fine im then done and am about to step away. Then whoosh the bag falls

over and every fucking can comes flying out. I stand there for about five minutes using

everything I have in me to not freak out and go crazy. Then I could not hold it any longer

it was like a beast came out. I started smashing every one of those dammed cans till therewas nothing more to do but put them back in the bag. Then I proceed to throw them all in

the bag violently. And then sat down with a very upset bad pain in my gut and now we

are here.

What do you wantI want to get lost. For the world to unravel. I want the world to unravel around me. I want

to see its mystery unfold before me as I aw at it. To lose myself in the unknown. Laugh atstories that are not funny though I think they are. To find what I never lost but is missing

out there in that big world. I want to sit there and watch it all go by. Thinking about

everything that has been and might be. To do what I want without fear of the ones I care

for. Not to hide my wishes, thoughts and wants. Give me a floor to pass out on. Give me

a place I dont know to through up at. Ill take it and I will cherish it, just dont leave me

behind.

forever rememberA twist of fate can drive you mad. But whats the point of fighting it when you believe

the world mad. What do you say when you finally see why others stare. You see yourself

through the eyes of others. As if a flare were shot to the sky around a realization of what

is. It brings you down to the ground. But still you smile. The world always changing in

and out the good the bad. But still you smile. You watch lives unravel but see the bricks

rebuild. People ask why the smile stays. The answer is simple the mind stays. As long as

it holds the few thoughts I hold dear my smile will always remain.

It is somethingI dont know whats real anymore. I feel things but I tell myself there not real. I see

things but I tell myself there not real. But then I feel something so surreal that everything

in me is saying it is not real. But I tell myself it is. My mind may be faulty but some


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things I just know. This is not the anxiety of what comes next. This is not a shadow out of

the corner of my eye, or a stick on the ground in the dark. This is more then I have

known. It is something.

Thank youThe world is a confusing place to stay. Full of those ups and downs. And many things

and people that can make and break what you have. Its silents can send you down past

where you can stand. Lost is a way better to being unknown then to know and wish.

Wishes of quitting are a fall that you can never come back from. To that I say thank you

for having a few that can still care. And the thought of why I now feel, after so many

years of not being able to. And to one of you I thank you, you for doing it again. I am not

out of it yet, but am closer to standing six feet above where I wish I was. Only because ofa caring voice in a sea hate and disapproval. A light through the darkness I was willing to

take away. Thank you for numbing what the sharpest of things could not take away.

Could youWords can set you free. But at what cost do they come. To say what you will and feel

may take away all you have. At what point do you decide to go all or nothing. Risking it

all for three words. Would you, could you do it. Is it worth telling the secret if it can give

you everything you ever wanted or take everything away? Could you do it?

Why is it?Why is it? Why is it I like you so. I know you well. The dark the light. All your good and

bad. Just who you are the real you. I know most of the secrets just like I know most

others. I know what I would be getting in to but I would do it anyway. I must be crazy to

want you. Even though I would not change it or any one thing. But I will not tell. I will

stay in the background pull you up when you fall help you when the rest hurt you.

Trance


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Sitting here my mind wanders. Lost in many thoughts but not thinking. Fading away no

longer here. My mind forming a void from here to nothingness. Eyes closed but all

seeing. First just colors and blurs. Then forming shapes, places and worlds. Where you

can create all and the infinite. Where sounds can be scene and worlds moved. The place

where the mind is master and all powerful. Then you wake from your trance gasping forair and to the yelling.

Semi-charmed lifeIm taking time and looking back thinking this life through. Wondering what happened

seeing the twists and turns in this timeline I call life. Seeing why I think in some of the

ways I do. Surrounded by bad never told no or what not to do for most of my life.

Leaving no desire to do the things I am now told are bad. Then one day shielded from it

all. Soon lost to myself nowhere to go but in my mind. But in time with help my wall

comes down. Opening my world wide again. Bringing me to see the damage done from

both me and others. Filling me with anxiety and depression. Now I have let go cutting

anxiety but with a cost of throwing me deeper in to a depressed state. Coming close to

losing it all through my blood. Saved by finding will to live from my friends and most of

all the one I call my angel. So I call this my semi-charmed life. Live life love your friends

and find your will.

Shattered glassYou may see your glass half empty. And he may see his glass half full. But here in this

dammed place I see my glass shattered in to a million sharp pieces. One for every scar

left from this life of pain. Do not pity me for now I only bleed ink for blood. I will show

these scars to the world and shout look at what you have done look at what you have

made. And think to myself so why have you forsaken me Am I not what you have

created.

HazeYou hold the cigarette in your hand. It being scarcely long. You inhale like a deepbreath. And hold it holding holding holding. Till your brain screams and you can no

longer hold it. The smoke escapes slow and smooth. Your head now a cloud soaring high

and free for a moment. A felling that last all to short. You then wait for a time for your

haze again. For you have business to attend.


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FearFear what is it in its self. Is it what we know or what we dont know? An illusion of what

we think we know. Perhaps can it be our thoughts of past pain. The torture in our souls.

Just our pain manifested in one of many ways. Maybe just maybe it is the anxiety of

future things to come. But how is it that you can fear if you do not even fear death even

welcome it. Maybe its not fear anymore but just anxiety. What if its life we fear the

most? Whats more fear-provoking them the unknown and whats more unknown then

life. The only thing more unknown is death and death shouldnt be feared.

Well meOk to let people in and it isnt a secret. To answer many of your (my friends/e-friends)questions yes I do have chronic depression and anxiety. But my depression only sets in

when I am alone (or drawing/writing). And yes I have had the bad thought but was saved

by the one I call my angel (hell ill say it my little sis Trina and I love ya). And the anxiety

I have cut down a lot through meditation, by the way that can get you pretty close to a

state of being high. For the most part I live in the now and can be the happiest guy you

will ever meet. Just remember for every problem I have I find something good so its nice

to know yall worry about me but you really dont need to. But its good to hear that you

do.

What is love?To me its something totally different to me its that girl you want to hang out with even

if only to sit there. That person you would do anything for because you could. The one

girl that makes you smile and the day good no mater how bad the day was. The one you

couldn't live without. The one that feels like a best friend. I may seem to be a silly kid to

the rest of you but thats how I see it.

Just say itWhat can you say when you know you love. When its only name say away, say it say it.

But nothing comes out like you never had a voice. If only you could say it you would feel

rejoice. Its on the tip of your tongue just say it. I love you I love you insert name.


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Notes of a mad manSetting in once again. My mind swirling again it seems to do that a lot these days. But

this one was different my chest was still pounding with worried pain. But I stayed cool

and collected. Later after going over what I said, I saw I was acting like a prick. My

anxiety was not called for in this case. The panic was from the worry of what was to be

said and the question of what did they know and how. I only hide three things from this

person but if they were to ask I could not lie to her I never have and never will I can only

hide. Knowing that gave me nothing but fear. I can say that my body got a rush the

adrenaline was intense. I am apologetic to all I have talked to after that I was out of it and

being an ass sorry.

Speak what you thinkAll I want to do is help. Through my own problems I have found help. Through help I

have found a foretaste of peace. From here I found my wish to help others. But helping

others is hard when you can not say what needs saying. The idea that I even speak to

others is astonishing. I have great thoughts of what to say and do to help. But my lack of

ability to say these things prevents any helping. It pains me to not be able to help but I

push through and try. My one gift of listening will have to do for now. In time wish to

help.

I haveDecisions decisions torn in thirteen ways dying with thought. Break it up think it around

bring it down to two. Weigh your options now give it second though or a third maybe a

forth this can go on forever. Nows the time for decision pick wisely make it quick times

running out. Its going to hurt whichever you pick now times here suck it up do it now.

Forget yourself who will you hurt the most with this decision. Wait there might be a

solution yes I see it now it might be even be better yes go for it do it. I will I have, I have.

Time is here and it is done this will be sweet or very sour its done. Now and only timewill tell what the world holds now ill leave you with this a thought that simply is I have

Hang around


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Its so quite now there must be no one around. Its funny how life works sometimes one

moment life is grand. The next it can be taken away like it was never yours to begin with.

I feel so cold and so dark and this is killing my neck ha killing me. Even now I can find

something to laugh at what a web life weaves. Well let me tell you how I got to this

place. Well to start, where did this all start? Ok lets start with school well school is fineand all but it was not the best thing in the world. Ok school well it started like any other

school year make a few friend here a few there. And the bumping in to the wrong person

here and there witch never helps much. But the more it progressed the worse it would get

now that I think about it it was probably my fault. I never did know when to keep my

mouth shut till now. Most of it was a good push here a little teasing there. And a hole lot

of fighting. From these things you learn to shut up sucker punch and hide your scars. Its

amazing what you can learn when are repeatedly hiding cuts and bruises. Then you start

to feel such terrible pain and not physical pain mental pain. Slowly dieing inside a bit

more every day. Till theres nothing left. Then you explore the world through your mind

finding books to take you away wishing to never come back. Then there was the day that

pushed to hard. Giving the feeling of kill or be killed. And finally coming to the idea of

the thered option. Why not finish it end it now just make it all stop. And so the idea how

will I do it where when. Bringing us to now as I hang here. My neck hurting my body

refusing to die. In my agony of not dieing learning the sweet sting of physical pain.

Wondering why my sweet release wont come. Ever learning now thinking ever so clear.

Now knowing I do not wish to die willing to live. So I cut myself down trying not to cut

myself well falling. Now safe I lay on the floor for some time and think of all I want to

do and all I have.

Freedom with out a pricePass judgment you fools. Say what you will to the table of ghouls. For I am free of your

world now. Your desperate flames will no longer lick at me until theres nothing but pain.

I live in my new vacant world. I am back home behind my wall once again and safe. My

world may still be harsh and cold but it is safe and allows me to be docile in mine and

defiant in yours. So in this I will not be apologetic to your condescending authoritative

world I find disgusting in many a way. I will no longer hold my self back I will no longer

be fearful of you and your scornful ways. Knowing it is hopeless and arrogant to keep

pleading. Mocking my being shy and polite, taking advantage of my passive nature. You

will most likely be confused and nervous and may even in your way find it comic. I am

no longer that timid worried kid I am now the fierce but humble man. Proud to say that I

am free from you and your ways for my chaos will consume those of my accusing. So I

turn my back on your cold spiteful world I will not be obedient any longer.


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Entangle for eternityTime and life entangle for eternity self destroying and self repairing. Two human

creations, concepts of small minds exploited by the brilliant. Left to break it like it wasnt

there, later to find it might never have been. Leaving you to think what it is to have life

and death. Living to die dieing to live not knowing what is witch and witch is what.

Getting that feeling of longing bringing science into the philosophy of you, me, all. My

time will be short your time will be short but our time will be forever merging as one

becoming that one singularity. All in one connected forever life eternal live forever.

Ars moriendiLook at you there watching me. Trying to think of what im thinking. Why im so lost sosilence so still. Trying to get in my head, slowly showing your concern. If only my

thoughts could be shared, ideas given. But at these time of your stare my mind blanks

saving my sanity. But there is one person that lets my thoughts go and still frees my

mind. One that watches but does not stare one that probes and questions but does not

push. You really want in on these thoughts it my hurt you to see. My thoughts hurt even

me mentally and physically giving me pain in my head that neither type of doctor can

help. You still watch making me think have you ever had thoughts that make you just do

anything to shut them up. No mater what the cost your fist to a brick wall a blade to yourarm. In the beginning pain to stop pain later not enough and to lead to wanting release.

Do you still want my thoughts they go on forever. But you can learn to slow them but this

opens your mind for more thoughts. This is something you learn to control but take time

that most dont have to spare. You ask I will tell first a warning then a small lesson then

the thoughts. But you must know once you start you can not go back and hardly stop. I

wish you well and to share. The prices are large with little return but for some it well

worth it. Once knowing you may not wish to live with it but will learnArs moriendi.

Red haired angelsometimes in the darkness on the brink of it all when you can feel the

edge you can find a helping hand. some one you can call your Angel.

the one you owe your life.


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Take it all awayPull it cross. Push it in twist it round. Make it bleed you know what to do. Your words

can do the same but only fade. Make it last, make it hurt like only you know how. Now

your chance to do what you now you wanted. All I ask is that I get my sweet release I

dearly wanted. Then again I want to see it watch the blood flow so smoothly. The first

squirt then the splash. Giving my final moments the thoughts of really wanting it or not

know only then and never more. To know if I wished to live or to parish like the rest. To

find life only in death slowly flowing away.

Victim of the system I think notclouds of smoke with the daze of the great haze living in space what a great taste. You

never know anymore what the going is, so you just go smoke. You blame it all on the

social order you call yourself a product of the system. Just another victim of the system I

think not. All ill give you is your human so your defective from the start. But join the

ranks were six billion strong. Were not perfect but with help we can move on. Your just

another atom in the Hu element its only natural for friction to accrue. The speed of now is

nothing compared to later in the ether so live before its to late for you.

DreamI just woke up from a dream that dose not happen very much

due to not sleeping much or I dont dream much but other then

that this was weird I had wrote a book and when I awoke all

I could remember and write down was this

what is a word but a symbol.

whats a symbol but a hidden meaning.

whats a hidden meaning but a lie.

whats a lie...you tell me.if the words I said are lies

why are they true.

The child that was mad


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I used to think I used my depression and problems to my advantage. When wishing to be

alone I would learn and discover new things of the world. To better myself then learned it

used me. I learned the wrong things bettered myself in the wrong ways. I had lost half my

life. I never grow up I was just grown I never became an adult I just am an adult. Never

being a kid well I was a kid. To now a grown person acting like a child at moments then astrict adult the next.

SchoolSchool sometimes I wonder if its just that feels this.that feeling that ever time I go to

school I die a little more inside and I do mean every time I go. It wasnt always like this I

actuly liked to go up to this year. The previos few years were great hang out have fun do

a little work. I didnt even mind the work . This year it's so differint I can still hang out

with friends and have fun. But it's the school im out of my element there is so many new

people and the school system has changed so much that it no where nere the

same.sometimes just thinking of going there makes me throw up and that hard to make

me do not even extrem gore can do that. My world is inploding on to its self friends are

disapeiring my mind is sliping I have lost my edge. Whats happening to me and what

will happen to me I feel im fading im locked away in my room 5 or more days a week.

This in its self is a worry but at some moments I forget where im at and a few moments

later realise what has happened to me and freks me out. But my ideas flow out more and

my art is larger is this a fair trade for my sanity an I destend to be insane. They want to

medicat me now I cant really disagree with them on that. From what your reading now

you probly think I am insane but think of this if you where to meet me on the street youd

think me a shy young man. And then if you get to know me you most likely would see

me as one of you best friends and learn that I would do almost anything for a friend and

find that you would do almost anything for me. For this I ask am I the insane one or is it

more the likely world do I still sound mad .

Pain for all the wrong reasonsPain something I hate dearly. Yet oddly love the feeling of it or more like the feeling it

brings with it. After the intensity of the pain leaves you all you have and can feel is free

and sadly happy. Like cutting your finger not on purpose. A few hours later all the pain is

gone you start squeezing it. To make the pain once longer. Then after little time it feels

no longer. You feel nothing till finally it passes. All feeling restores and you can once

again feel the hate of yourself. Till the next time you feel the pain for all the wrong

reasons.


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The Night Of The Rebellion It seems like a silly thing now that I look back at it. But it must have been big for theothers. To fill some of the background that most of you are wondering about by now.

This was a school that you would stay at all week and go home on the weekend. This was

a place for misfits and trouble makers at least they thought they were big and bad. This

was the kind of place you did as you were told no more no less. It wasnt all that bad

there where a few cool people you could hang out with. By now I hope you are staring to

see a small piece of the picture. So this story starts on a night a night like most others in

that dammed place. It was about seven and still light out and we were heading out for rec.

for this night it was baseball a game that does not thrill me much. And some few others

for there own reasons felt the same way. As sometimes we had a option to do something

else and this night it was 30 laps around the field. 30 so that few if any would do it. Me

and some of the others said we would do the laps. At about 10 or so laps all but two quit

and played. It was just me and my friend left doing the laps. This was taking some time

the game had ended and they were going back in. but we had to finish our laps we were

told so they left two staff to watch us. By now it must have been past 8:30 and about done

but we thought lets keep going till we can go anymore. So we kept going and going we

got around 100 laps and they said have you two had enough. We then were fueled more

to go more and more. They grow very tired of this but let us keep going till finally it was

close to 10:00. They then stopped us but with a great respect and a smile. That night

without thinking we started a rebellion. We came to 183 laps that night and changed our

selfs for at least that night we knew no limits. People looked at us differently for the

better. For the rest of my time there things were different I was different.

SystemFuck the system bring the anarchy. The sweet power of one. Only to make groups of

many. Time is on us make your move world. Bring the reign of chaos on its our time.

Tick tock what will you do who are you with. Mine is set may yours be similar or may

your divinity help you. For you will not wish to oppose me. You are ether with them or

us there is no longer a middle no neutrals here anymore. Let it out let all your chaos free,

make it flow into the inevitable.

Awakening goodnightThoughts a menace to some, in short supply for others. Sadly for me Im in the first one.


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Have you ever thought so much it made your head hurt most have once or twice. Well

theirs

another level to it I have found you can think of so much at once your mind can hurt so

much

that you couldnt feel the worst headache. This pain I speak of is a madding experience.This causes confusion, anger, sadness, and even sickness.

I started it off this whey to set the thought process I was feeling. It all started when I was

starting to go to sleep with my endless thoughts as normal but this time my thoughts got

cared away. These thoughts where of two people and school one of these people was a

lost girlfriend of my freshmen year lost out my misfortune and stupidity. The other I will

not

mention and the mater at hand was the thing with school you need to understand this is

four hours before the start of the new school year. This is my senior year if that maters

at all. Now to get on with it. As these thoughts are going through my head my chest

starts to hurt at first I think of it as a simple panic attack but no it gets worse the thoughts

start flooding in faster and faster. This is when I start to realize theirs tears running

down my check. I start to panic more now thinking this one is going to kill me I have

had panic attacks in the past but this one was the worst. Out of fear to stop this I put

on my shoes and jacket then went out side. Normally this would help quickly not this

time so sat on a rock and wait for my much needed relief. Time goes by 10,20,30 minutes

I start to feel better so I walk in to this field deeper I stand in the middle staring in to the

sky and at this old tree for another 20 minutes. At this point Im feeling great so I head

back to my house it starts again just a little so I continue on the closer I get to home

the worse it got but I still go on. I get home and it still hurts but not as bad as when

I left these thoughts still circling around my mind. I sat in a chair my dog barking

at me in his way of trying to say hello to me I close my eyes to see nothing but

blackness. I was not able to stay put for long I went to the kitchen bit off a piece

of chicken and in a fit of anger I punched the counter later to my amazement it didnt

hurt. I grabbed a soda it helped calm me down and came down to my room then sat

on my bed and stared in to space. Which brings us to now me writing this.

A problem that needs no answerYou ever have a problem that just messes with and influences most parts of your life.

One of those problems that you have for so many years you just wish that you could have


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lived without it. A problem that has caused so much trouble your life is all but shaped

from it. That you start to think what it would be like if you didnt have it. How much

better your life could be. You see all that is wrong with it. You see every bad thing thats

ever happened wondering why you. Then you find the good the great you remember your

great friends that are like your family. Some of the times you had you even laugh to yourself of all those good times. At this time you start to think is this really something that I

would go back and fix if I could. It now becomes not what I would gain from not having

these problems but what I would lose. So to my self I say no I would not fix it. I would

go as far as to say that I wouldnt change my problems from then to save my life to day.

Because when I look back to the past couple of years I have seen things done things and

experienced things so many things that I would not give up for any thing. So this is my

problem that needs no answer.

A questionSo a few years ago a friend of mine asked me a question. The question was what do youthink if heaven was hell and hell where heaven. At the time I only said well I hope its

like the movie Little Nicky. But today I had the thought what if hell is earth well at lest

the plane earth is on. I thought this a funny concept not that I think it true or to sound

emo. I thought more on this idea and came up with if earth is hell and the same ideas of

heaven and hell are in play then were put here without knowing and for something we

did. It would be like when we die here its the end of a sentence / punishment and we go

back to the middle plane or heaven. Now that I have thought more on it this would make

a good movie plot. Then again if it where hell people would pay for their sins. But againit could be karma like system. Well ill end this now and for those of you that are religious

I dont mean any disrespect it just a funny idea running through my head.

AlbatrossNothing nothing thats what it comes to just plain nothing. Theres just so many things in

life you think your going to do what you wanted to do. I dont even mean the things you

do when a gumdrop boy that makes you the guy that knows some of the world. The

smaller but more important things (as I yell where did the time go, fist smashing in to

desk) like getting through school getting a license drive a car. Things most take for

granite seemingly little unimportant things. But when missing eat away at you inside

making feelings of being deficient. To be worn like an albatross remembered at every

turn. If only capable of doing things of such simplicity.


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SoullessDepression setting in once again. No gains more losses thoughts of what once was.

Breaking away from reality again to my torment and suffering held so deep inside of me.

Telling of these things you or anyone may help me greatly but forever hurt you. But

forever I will hold, I have lost the feelings you all hold so close. And I feel the cold oh so

often I see the darkness in all. Forever I will listen you and anyone that needs me and my

cursed gift. I will take your sin and eat your ill fated tribulations. For I will eternally be

yours and everyones sin eater, for all the prices I pay with pain and so on. For I will gain

more pleaser from all the knowledge gain and help given.

Grim techthinking of tech of now and the past do you like your PC games of today. Im sure you

love them but in the past didnt you love your games of them in which you have now

forgotten. These games I speak of are now memorys lost and forgotten on the Internet in

old web sites visited no more. But in this day and age of technology you find some of

your old favorites somewhere to be downloaded. After you download some these you

start to notice differences and Im not talking about the graphics or the sounds. But more

the size and the gameplay just look at doom 1 its so small I can put it on 3 floppies and

the gameplay it has every thing you need and more. But what dose this say about the

games of today games get bigger and bigger the size of data gets more irrelevant every

day transfer speeds get faster and faster. Are these games of today destined to go the

same way to become the lost and hidden files on the Internet. Are we to forget again

forget these games we love so much. In a decade when the few that remember go find

and download those games and play then are they to be called geeks like those who

download are classics now. are we destined to repeat this over and over again

and again. Why are we who dont live on the cutting shunned I love technology as muchas the next guy maybe even more. So next time you see an old game and think oh thats

old it must be crap and only losers and geeks would play that remember where would the

games of today be without the games of yesterday.


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Jack in my boxWell this little story starts with a little hunger and some drive. So I was some what

hungry and ask my friend (steak of war) if he was hungry and if he wanted some albertos.

Well we then thought of what was closer (no car) and came up with jack in the box it

only being about a mile away. So we started are little trek cutting through the park behind

us it was about 11:30 pm so very dark and hard to go through the brush (very thick and

large area of it). Come to the street and continue on under the freeway up the hill and to

the Vons parking lot. On our way we found a little scale but whatever. We now are in

front of jack in the box a guy comes out and gives some people there food as we are still

walking up. He then goes on back in and locks the door right in front of us. So we walk

around the lot and see whats open we checked Wendys and Vons both closed. We head

back to jack and decide to go through the drive through (with no car) they tell us that its

illegal. Then we go and sit on the curb thinking of what to do next looking through thephone for who to call deciding on Trina I think. And these to guy walk up asking for

some help getting a taxi offering us dvd players and stuff. I decided it was a scam told

them something to make them leave and succeeded. Then this very nice young couple

pull up and ask if we wanted them to go through for us. We though a second and said yes

told them what we wanted. We waited for them to go through then we got our food from

them and gave our thank yous and were on our way. We headed back and got through

the brush and in to the park then found a table it was about 1 am now and this was some

of the best food ever. Making for a good night and a good tale to tell for time to come.

UntitledCome on show them what you have done. Show all the pools of blood and the many

creators. Your many plumes of smoke and your lust for death. Tell all what you have

done to all and me. Maybe give some insight to this world you have created a globe of

death you call earth. I will still call it a planet of taree just to put distance between us to

make me not like you. For I still have the ache for destruction but use mine for good.

Why cant you learn to do but the same. For but we are the same you and I, were six billon

and some why cant we be one. If not maybe one day a few of us may leave this. Not by

our blood like some or most of you might like. But to somewhere new far from you.


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The 8-siddersChapter one

Man they did it they came. I didnt think they would but they did. But there were only 5

This time man I fucked them up. My whole body hurts though and dam my back hurts.

I better get the 8-sidders back together. Man they said next time theyd bring more

Guys that only means hell bring 15 or 20 guys dam. Well good news I havent scene the

rest of the 8-sidders in years so now I can. We must be a few 1000 strong now knowing

those guys.

I still remember the day we started it all. The 4th

grade 5 guys sitting at the

Lunch table 5 guys wanting more and to help. Those were the days. So we made a group

we got 3 more guys and we got our name THE 8-SIDDERS. I am the head the first incommand. After some time we got more people and it kept growing. At some point

We had got control of most things around here even the best place the park. Back in

Those days no one person or group would dare to mark that park.

Man how things have changed. We never had bad intent or did anything bad we didnt

even use violence. We offered protection to those who needed it. Those days have passed

now but may be coming back. Wow the last person I recruited was Nicole in the 8th

grade

that was the last time I used my power. To think its been 9 years now from the start man

This world has changed I cant really say for the better.

Dam me foreverBrittany oh man Brittany she is the coolest person you would ever meet. What would I

give to have her back even if it's just to have her around. She was so smart she was funny.

She was even cute and thats hard to find in a smart girl she is witty, outspoken and so

much more. I still remember the day we met it was the beginning of the 7th

grade. She

caught my eye not for the same resins of now. We were the most mature ones there next

to Karen (the teacher). And I will always remember the day Jessica pasted me the note

and asked if I liked Brittany the paper had a + and a - but I put a = sign. So Jessica asked

me what that meant then I looked at her and smiled then she got it. Then smiling she

gave Brit. The note for those of you who do not get it = means likewise or equally.

Things did not change much from there but we sat together most of the time and there

were more people looking at us. Karen was pleased to see us two together well that was


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the 8th

grade long gone now. Then there was the 9th

grade I was so horrified to go to high

school and I thought I was going to lose her. At that time I did not know she was going to

be there I was relieved to see she was she was in my class and all it was great well it

lasted. Dam me for my screw ups I had to go to another school for the rest of the year.

And when I came back she was gone and nobody could tell me were she went or why. Ihated myself for some time after that but I slowly got over it. I am now a 2

ndyear senior

lets just say that depression dosnt help school work and it's not as IM stupid or anything

like that I have been one of the smarter people in my classes it's been that way about the

time I stared 7th

grade.

Anti-wasteSo I had this idea. If a life where to be lost why not make it have purpose. Say I no longer

wished to live it would just be a wasted life. But think a useful way to die. How can that

happen, easy. Say I enlisted trained and went over. I could fight till theres truly nothingleft in me. My hands would surly be drenched in blood. And then maybe finally I could

fall in battle free from here, free from it all.

Fail like you canI push the blade but it will not go. I push it harder it still will not go. So I pull it cross it

will not cut. I try over and over again. But all I get are scratches and burning. More pain

to go with my mind. I am now marked with failure. Like the so many other things I tried

to do. My mind no longer has anywhere to run and hide. I no longer can lose myself

when the world starts falling apart. I am now connected to it more then I like. I can not

run and leave them all behind. My plate is full now I must sit and eat it. I have tried but

ran screaming from the table to the comfort of an old but shiny blade. Leaving my arm

littered with marks and trys.

What you see

A complex person can be hard to see. But like any puzzle you need to start with theedges. The frame and thats just about how you do it with people. Lets start with me ok

so you look at the frame or shell and you get your first thoughts. Now for me this would

be bad. Because I care little or nothing of what other think of me. But you cant stop there

you have to finish the puzzle. So you get to know me and start filling in the pieces. The

picture starts to form. But there are always a few missing pieces when it come to people.

Well its like that for people that are at least somewhat deep. Leaving you with a piece of


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it eclipsed the wars and hate of the world and washed away my worry and pain. Is it right

to say you can love a sky on a morning as such. My only wish for now is that all can see

it and for it to last forever.

The payoffI have been working on my saying what Im thinking. Well tonight was a good showing

of my progress. Hell I didnt know all but three of the people. In the past I would have

hide and not have spoken to anyone, ha. But not this time I was all over this. I was talking

to everyone and it wasnt like I was waiting for them to start. Needless to say I had a

good time. But only later I came to the thought that my hard work and trying is paying

off. But what about the only thing Im not speaking about. What makes it so hard to tell

someone that you like them? Or even just tell them how you feel. Someone you know

well and do not fear. Even though they know, what is it that makes you hold back? Its

just weird I hold nothing back anymore but that so why I guess is what Im askingmyself.

My new word that is loveYes I wish I could just go and do all that. Speak what I think without my mind inhibiting

my thoughts to my voice. The thoughts always there and eating away at whats left of me.

If only to free myself for a few moments. To tell her what needs telling. All the things

that are always racing through my head. The things that feel to drive me mad. The

wonders and joy that can be had. If only I could say the words to the one I love. Theres

that word why do I use that word it is not one of mine. I do not use that word, but if I had

would I be glad or just very sad. Things have changed I have changed. I have helped

myself but what more can I do if this is my stop a block or brick even. I do not wish to

start building a wall again I have just begun to feel again. I want to stay life unfiltered

there is bad and little good but quality will always beat quantity. So put it on draft and

serve it up I will take it. I will use this word I do not know when or even where but I

know for whom I will use my new word that is love.

Well well wellWell well well what have we here? Is this a doubter seeing the light? Well everyone was

out looking for who they are I sat back and thought to myself why, I am me. And what

else can there be. What a narrow minded way to see it all. I can see the error of my ways

now. Now that I dont truly know who I am. Am I that shut-in behind his brick wall? Or

that medicated outgoing social person that gets along with everyone. Whats the real me.

Am I supposed to be the one that locks himself away from all the outside world? Or is the


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real me just being freed from mental and chemically unbalanced mind with the help of

drugs. How am I to tell if these are all I have known? And forever been told that I need

to be helped and that there is something wrong with me. There being something wrong

with me or not, should I change what I am. And how do I know which is me. I always

thought that it was all our choices and experiences that made us who we are. But am Istill me if the medication is more transforming me then helping me cope. Is that the sub

me its bringing out or a new me. Are we what we make ourselves or maybe even the

people we surround ourselves with? This leaves me confused and with a feeling of being

a dog chasing cars. Maybe if I just lay here it will make sense before we get to old and

forget the world.

Now

Sitting here I think why. Why am I so screwed up? I stop and look around me I watch asmy parents argue again. I examine the holes in the ceiling and walls then the stains

everywhere. A feeling of no longer caring flows over me and passes. I think of the things

I have done to lead me here the things I have screwed up. The problems I have made

things Im not proud of. Theres not much Im proud of with exception of the last few

months. Maybe I was just defective goods from the being destined to be a screw up. Or

was it all those times I smacked my head on the coffee table as a child. But thats just an

easy out, can any one persons problems be summed up so easily. And what of recent,

life moving up so fast it can frighten me at times. Am I changing for the better now?

When happy now everything looks so much more vibrant things taste better feeling is somuch stronger. But theres always the other side sadness when I turn into the things I

always disliked. I become one of them, those that sit and hide in their black moods.

Striking out at any sign of authority, being a hypocrite to say and do another. To only

have one leveler that consumes almost every thought in my mind. It feels to be as if I am

being torn between two worlds sometimes stuck in a void to perish. Well my eyes are

finally open; I just wish someone had told me to open my eyes. But there was at least

someone to take my hand and get me out of this dark room, and set me free.

What is a writer?Who are these writers or should I say what. What makes their words live forever, echoing

on for eternity. Is it their ability to see through the smoke screens of life or the pains they

have held in their hands? What makes and shapes a person into a person of words a poet,

a writer. our song writers and singers. What gives them their ability to bleed ink so

easily? Thoughts ever wandering and reconfiguring, their minds must seem crazy at


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times. Their words touch us deep and we never know why. Maybe the writer is the voice

of the many that can not word what they feel. They paint us beautiful images of

wondrous things with nothing but words. What kind of mind does it take to form these

combinations of word that make us laugh, cry, smile. It must be a great power to give any

one feelings of being happy, sad, hot, cold, anything they can dream. Is this what makesthem what they are. The voice of the silent, the light in the dark, the translators of life and

creators of new.

What nowI feel so tired not like I need to sleep. But mentally I don't know what to call it. I just have

been working so hard since Friday. I haven't missed a day of school yet (I don't want to

use the word yet but I must, even if it implies I will miss some). This is a very stressful

thing for me. I have a difficult time getting myself to school. Its been this way for many

years, so I am trying. I am trying as hard as I can, but I feel as if Im on the brink oflosing it. At some moments I feel out of control. Like a child looking through a window

of a machine operating its self. In the past this has been a problem losing control only to

watch as my body does what it wants, the ever feeling of going crazy. Only to regain

control when its done and everyone thinks it what I wanted to do. Fearing to say it

wasn't me to be sent away. I now fear it to come back; a few months ago it happened

again. I just snapped and before I knew what was happening I had thrown everything in

my hands to the ground. Then still without thinking I yelled to my father shut the fuck up,

till then no adult had ever heard me swear. Then was when I knew I really needed help.

Since then I have had some minor episodes along with the moods. But most people neversee these, to my luck I am normally by myself or in my room so my loonesy is never seen

and till now known of to others. Years of my work slipping away, Im regressing to my

former self. This I can not let happen, for I have only begun to feel again and live a life

worth living. So I ask myself whats next, what now?

MindMy mind is tarring apart. I no longer hold any of the sanity I had. Im fucking losing it

again. Shouting at the tv till it hurts. Bouts of tears that have been lost for months, almost

a year. The madding rage of thoughts crushing me like a leaf under a foot. My body inpain all over. Weightless and heavy at the same time my mind knows not what its doing.

I feel pain but numb at the same time, crazed and confused. Visions of blurs and

shadows, dizzy standing a task not possible. Constantly rubbing my face for no apparent

reason as though some dammed cat. If only this were drug induced it would pass and I

would know it to only be temporary and sane. Flashing white squares, images and

numbers nowhere to be found. Stuck center stage eyes glaring down spinning round. Blue


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light pours into the room from the outside world if only I were there. I want out there but

locked here fearing to stand fearing to live a life that holds this. Why does this come back

after almost a year of being free from it? The music oh the music drift away makes you

just want to drift away. No more thought just lost time to float away just drift and flow.

Time to fall back and sleep the only pain left is my head and dam it hurts.

DreamsThis is getting out of control. My mind must really be weakening. The thoughts have

been getting stronger more and more. The thoughts have gotten to me so much that there

in my dreams now. I would call it a nightmare if I wasnt so happy in the dream. It hurt

waking from this dream. Coming out of it I felt so sad as the reality flowed over me like a

blanket of pain. I thought I was over this and that I had buried all my feelings about it. I

guess I am sadly mistaken. What do I have to do to get rid these thoughts and feelings

short of acting on them. I fear what would happen if I acted on these. Why cant I justlock them away and go on forgetting about all of this, and live in piece.

What a hero isI have been asked what a hero is. Well how do you define something that is ever

changing from person to person? I could say I see a hero as a flying man of super

strength. But I do not see that as a hero well not in this day and age. In the world

of today there are many things I see that I would call heroism. To me its that guy that

helped another person up that he did not know. The woman that offers a helping hand to astranger. To me heroes are not the myths and legends on our TVs and in our books. They

are our friends our neighbors and the strangers that wish to help. A hero is whats hidden

in side all of us just waiting to come out in times of need, an ever giving helping hand.

The pen and swordIn the e-world my voice goes on forever. A tongue so sharp its as if it were cutting

through your mind. My words so loud as if glorious roars among men. An e-voice so

strong it could end many a battle of words. But in this the real world it is lacking. It is

very silent and dull in this world I fill with doubts. Here I can not speak what need be to

the ones I want. Constantly fearing conflict and pain. If words can free us all I must be

dammed unless I some how move to the world of ones and zeros.

The Life and Notes of a Mad Man

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