The History of Valentine’s

&Theories of Love

The History of Valentine's Day

• Who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday?

February has long been a month of romance.

St. Valentine's Day contains both Christian and Roman tradition.

Catholic Church recognizes three different saints

named Valentine or Valentinus,

all martyred.

• One legend contends Valentine was priest who served during third century Rome.

• Stories suggest Valentine was killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons

• One legend, Valentine actually sent first 'valentine' greeting himself

• Stories certainly emphasize his appeal -sympathetic, heroic, and

romantic figure. • No surprise that by Middle Ages,

Valentine very popular saint in England and France.

• Others claim that Christian church decided to celebrate Valentine's

feast day in middle of February in effort to 'christianize' celebrations

of pagan Lupercalia festival.

Lupercalia was fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, Roman god of agriculture, & in honor of She-Wolf who suckled infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, founders of Rome)

Feb 13-15

• All young women in city would place their names in big urn.

• City's bachelors would choose a name out of urn and become paired for a year with his chosen woman.

• These matches often ended in marriage.

Written Valentines

• Verses and greetings have been popular since Middle Ages

• First began to appear after 1400 AD

• Oldest known valentine was poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans to wife while

imprisoned in Tower of London following his capture at Battle of Agincourt. Now on display

in British Museum. made in 1400’s

• Paper valentines originated in England and later came to America

• Americans began exchanging hand-made valentines in early 1700s.

• 1840s, Esther A. Howland sold mass-produced valentines in America.

• Mother of the Valentine, she made elaborate creations>real lace, ribbons,colorful pictures known as "scrap".

• Greeting Card Association>one billion valentine cards sent yearly, making Valentine's Day second largest card-sending holiday of year.

• Approximately 85 percent of all valentines purchased by women.

agape,

“unconditional, impersonal love”

phileoo,

“conditional, personal love”

theloo,

“desire or want”

Er·os (èr¹òs´, îr¹-) noun1. Greek Mythology. God of love, son of

Aphrodite.2. Psychiatry. Sexual drive; libido.3. Creative, often sexual yearning, love, or desire:

Theory of Love Types• 1. We have all of these 6 “love types” in

our relationships• 2. What separates us is the degrees of

each (each person is different)

• 3. Degrees can change with time– In 10 years, #6 is largest / #4 is smallest

• 4. Every relationship may differ: – In your first relationship, you are insecure

& passionate• (Because s/he was non-committal &

sexual)– In your next, you are calm & relaxed

• (Because s/he was nurturing and warm)

– Key: Others make us who we are in relationships

1

2

34

5

6

1) Eros Love• Highly passionate, sexual, &

intense

• Often Believe in:– Love as Magical– Love as fate– Love at first sight

• Very “American”• Movies: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet / Ghosts / Snow

White, Sleeping Beauty & Cinderella– Hollywood loves eros love!

2) Ludus Love• The “Players” love• Will often:

– Keep their passions in check– Avoid trouble and intensity – Uncomfortable about commitment – Keep secrets– Have affairs

• Remember, we all have a little ludus in us• When a relationship gets too intense (or is

no longer fun), they leave • Movie: Great Expectations / St. Elmo’s

Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous Liaisons– Hollywood’s Formula: Ludus plays with Eros--

Eros is crushed

3) Storge Love

• Peaceful and slow – Not passionate and intense

• Friendship is key– Difficult to separate from friendships

• This love . . . – Develops over time– Endures long periods of inactivity

or excitement• Lacks heat of eros and games of ludus

• Movies: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding Singer / My Best Friends Wedding / Shrek / You’ve Got Mail / Beauty and the Beast /How To Lose A Guy

4) Pragma Love• Practical• Looking for “types”

– Parents, $, race, nationality, family• Love is logical & More stable

– Not magical, but rational

• Movies: Pretty Woman / Bridges of MC / As Good As It Gets / Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek Wedding / Grease / Maid in Manhattan – Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for pragma love-

-but is unhappy

• Extreme highs and lows– Jealousy– Obsessive

• Self-worth from relationship– Nothing else matters

• Movies: Fatal Attraction / Something About Mary / American Beauty / The Crush / Memento / Taxi Driver / Swim Fan

• Hollywood Formula: slashing tires, stalking, going into exile, drinking

5) Mania Love

6) Agape Love

• This love is . . . – Compassionate – Selfless– Egoless

• No concern for personal reward/gain– Want best for the other person

• Movies: Forrest Gump / Man Loves a Women / John Q / Casablanca /

• 1) My love and I have the perfect physical chemistry between us

• 2) I feel that my love and I were truly meant for each other (fate)

• 3) My love and I really understand each other (soul mates)

• 4) My love fits my ideal standards of physical beauty (my idea of a “10”)

• 5) I try to keep my love a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her

• 6) I believe that what my love doesn’t know about me won’t hurt him/her (I keep secrets)

Which Type are You????

• 7) It is important that our relationship is fun and exciting

• 8) When my love gets too dependent on me, I want them to back off

• 9) To be genuine, love must develop over time (not an over-night thing)

• 10) I expect to always be friends with my love• 11) Our love is really a deep friendship, not a

mysterious, mystical emotion • 12) Our love is the most satisfying because it

developed from, and is based on, a deep caring relationship

• 13) In choosing my love, I believed it was best to love someone with a similar background

• 14) A main consideration in choosing my love was whether my family would approve

• 15) An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she would be a good parent

• 16) One consideration in choosing my love was what career he/she selected

• 17) When things aren’t right with my love and me, my stomach gets upset

• 18) Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my love that I can’t sleep

• 19) When my love doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over (emotionally, physically, etc.)

• 20) I cannot relax if I suspect that my love is with someone else

• 21) I try to always help my love through difficult times• 22) I would rather suffer myself than let my love suffer• 23) When my love gets angry with me, I still love

him/her fully and unconditionally• 24) I would endure all things for the

sake of my love

Calculating the Results:• Statements

• 1-4 are Eros• 5-8 are Ludus• 9-12 are Storge• 13-16 are Pragma• 17-20 are Manic• 21-24 are Agape

• Highlight your high and low brackets– 3 to 4 “Trues or Falses” are Markers

Not All Love Is Healthy Love

General Findings• I. National Findings on Love Test

–A. Men: Eros and Luduc–B. Women: Manic, Pragma, and

Stroge–C. Age and Evolution

•Eros and Mania are “young” loves

•In time, couples grow into Stroge and Agape love

General Research• III. Romantic Love (believe it or not)

– A. Married men have more romantic concept of love than their wives

• Men believe in love at first sight more• More men believe love can overcome anything

– B. Twice as many women would marry for reasons other than love

• In 1965, 75% of women said they would marry a man they did not love if he fit the bill in other ways

• Today, only about 10% of American women say they would (Whitehead, 2003)

– 49% in Indians– 51% in Pakistan

– C. After divorce, Men more likely to remarry• And sooner

– D. Married men are psychologically and physically healthier, but not so for women

• Reason 1: Without their wives, most men have no support system and no one to talk to about life’s stresses

– Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide after divorce

• Reason 2: Women do most of work in most relationships (even when both are working outside home)

General Findings

• IV. Age, Love, and Sex (1999 AARP Survey)

– 60% of couples 45-60 years old report having sex once a week (the average for all couples)

– 20% over 75 report having sex once a week

– After 50 years of age, men become more romantic; women become more sexually assertive

– Majority of couples over 55 report finding their significant other more romantic and attractive

Love Triangles - Robert Sternberg

– Passion – sexual desire and physical attraction; part of romantic love

– Intimacy – connection and feelings of closeness; emotional investment

– Commitment – to love in short term; maintain that love in long term

• 8 types of love can be defined by model• Nonlove, Liking, Infatuation

• Empty, Romantic, Companionate Love• Fatuous Love, and Consummate Love

R.Sternberg Model of Love

Intimacy

PassionCommitment

• Companionate love: passion has died down between 2 people; commitment and intimacy with no passion

• Fatuous love: associated with whirlwind romances and quicky marriages; passion and commitment with no intimacy

• Consummate love: complete measure of love involving combination in equally extreme amounts of passion, commitment and intimacy

• goal to shoot for in lasting relationship… ideal marriage… 80 year olds that are still madly in love with each other