CHARACTERS

HUGO PLUDEKPL UDEK, his fatherMRS PL UDEK, his motherPETER PL UDEK, his brotherAMANDAMAXY FALKCLERK at the Liquidation OfficeSECRETARY at the Liquidation OfficeDIRECTOR of the Inauguration Service

ACT ONE

SCENE I

f'I/I'fIatofthe PLuDEKfamily. Present are: PLUDEK,M S PLUDEK, PETER and HUGO. HUGO is playing a solitary game11/ chess. He makes a move, goes around to the other side of the board,I liberates, makes another move, etc.

I'I.UDEK: (To HUGO) Dear son! (To MRS PLUDEK) Should I?MM. PLUDEK: What time is it?I'I.UDEK: Twelve.M S PLUDEK: Already? You must!I'J UDEK: Dear son!IIUGO: (Makes his move) Check! (Changes sides.)I'I.UDEK: Still at it?IIUGO: Yes, Dad.,'I.UDEK: And how goes it?IItJ 0: Badly, Dad, badly.MR PL UDEK: Peter! What about going to the cellar for a while,

do you mind?(PETER exits.)Kalabis will be here any moment. Heaven forbid that heshould meet Peter! Everybody says Peter looks like abourgeois intellectual. Why should you get into troublebecause of him?

"I. UDEK: Quite right, Berta. I'm the grandson of a poorfarmband, damn it! One of six children. I've five proletariangreat-uncles!

MRS PL UDEK: Peter is the black sheep of the family.I'LUDEK: The blackguard! (To HUGO) Dear son! The middle

classes are the backbone of the nation. And why? Not even ahag carries hemp seed to the attic alone. Jaros wished to be agoldsmith and he became one. Soon you'll be finishingschool. Have you asked yourself?

IIUGO: No, Dad.l'LUDEK: Did you hear that, Berta?

3

THE GARDEN PARTY

MRS PL UDEK: Never mind, AIbert. Did somebody ring?PLUDEK: No.MRS PLUDEK: Listen, Bertie-

(HUGO makes his move and changes sides.)Well, how goes it?

HUGO: All right, Mum.PLUDEK: What is it?MRS PLUDEK: What time is it?PL UDEK: One.MRS PL UDEK: He should have been here by now-PLUDEK: Unless he's been a bit delayed.MRS PLUDEK: What do you mean, 'delayed'?PL UDEK: Well, he might have met somebody and forgot to watch

the time.MRS PL UDEK: But whom?PLUDEK: A chum from the army-MRS PL UDEK: But you said he's never been in the army.PLUDEK: There you are! He'll surely come. Should I?MRS PLUDEK: Let's hope so! You must!PL UDEK: Dear son! The middle classes are the backbone of the

nation. And why? He who fusses about a mosquito net cannever hope to dance with a goat. Jaros used to say -life is ablank page. You mean to tell me you don't know what towrite on it?

HUGO: I don't, Dad.PLUDEK: Did you hear that, Berta?MRS PLUDEK: Never mind, AIbert. Did somebody ring?

(PETER eniers.)PLUDEK: No. (To HUGO) Dear son! (To MRS PLUDEK) Should I?MRS PLUDEK: What time is it? .PL UDEK: Two.MRS PLUDEK: Already? You must!PLUDEK: Dear Son!HUGO: (Makes his move) Check! (Changes sides.)PLUDEK: Still at it?HUGO: Yes, Dad.PLUDEK: And how goes it?

4

THE GARDEN PARTY

1111 o: Badly, Dad, badly.I'l. UDEK: Peter! What about going to the attic for a while, donu mind?\'UTER exus.) J

11he was merely an intellectual, well, all right. Intellectualstr sort of tolerated these days. But he keeps insisting onI ing bourgeois as well!

I I IIIII,K: Pig-headed, that's all. (To HUGO) Dear son! Not evenIhe Hussars of Cologne would go to the woods without alamp. Jaros thought about his future and so he studied, andtudied, and studied. Have you thought about yours?

1111( o: No, Dad.I 11nux: How's that?

IlIrl n: I've studied, Dad.I , Unt,K: Did you hear that, Berta?

I'LUDEK: Never mind, AIbert. Did somebody ring?

I IfI>l!K: No.I'LUDEK: Listen, Bertie-(nuoo makes his move and changes sides.)W ll, how goes it?

I III : All right, Mum.PLUDEK: What time is it?

I I III K: Three.PLUDEK: He should have been here by now.

" tIl>EK: Unless he's been a bit delayed.PL UDEK: What do you mean, delayed?

I , IIl)EK: Well, he might have met somebody and forgot to watchthe time.

t S PLUDEK: But whom?." lDEK: A childhood chum.M~. PLUDEK: You know very well he had no childhood!"I.l.JDEK: He had no childhood, but he had childhood chums. Am

I not his childhood chum?M PLUDEK: But he couldn't have met you!I'L UDEK: There you are! He'll surely come! Should I?MRS PLUDEK: Let's hope so! You must!"I, UDEK: Dear son! He who knows where the bumblebee hides

5

THE GARDEN PARTY

his stinger never rolls up his leggings. When one calls JJaros calls back, and that's the whole point. The basis of •is the idea you form of life. You think anybody will form ifor you?

HUGO: Yes, Dad. Jaros. (Makes his move.) Check. (Changes .PLUDEK: Did you hear that, Berta?MRS PLUDEK: Never mind, Albert. Dear Hugo! Without the

warp not even the woof can be buried. That's why yourfather has invited for today - well, go on, ask Father whomhe has invited!

HUGO: Whom have you invited, Daddy?PL UDEK: My colleague Kalabis. Well, ask Mother who is my

colleague Kalabis!HUGO: Who is Daddy's colleague Kalabis, Mummy?MRS PLUDEK: Your father's schoolmate. Well, go on, ask Fath

what did he do with his colleague Kalabis when they wereboys!

HUGO: What did you do with your colleague Kalabis when youwere boys, Daddy?

PLUDEK: We used to break windows!MRS PL UDEK: Of rich farmers!PLUDEK: Yes. And ask Mother what is my colleague Kalabis

now!

I HUGO: What is Daddy's colleague Kalabis now, Mummy?. MRS PL UDEK: A Deputy Chairman! And your father has invited

him-PL UDEK: For a game of chess with you-MRS PLUDEK: And at the same time-PL UDEK: To give you advice-MRS PL UDEK: Just in the way of information-PLUDEK: How to go about-MRS PLUDEK: This or that-

1 PLUDEK: In life-MRS PL UDEK: You know what I mean, don't you. Not even a hag

would go to the woods without a clamp!PLUDEK: Well, have you ever seen a Hussar of Cologne carry

\... hemp seed to the attic alone?

6

THE GARDEN PARTY

N v r, Daddy.'d hod')11\ 11 There you are! Di some y nng.

I I un K: No.(II1J ( 0 makes his move and changes sides.)

1\,how goes it? .11 tI All right, Mum. (Makes his move.) Check! (Changes sides.)I \1111 • How goes it? .'I 11 B Idly, Dad. Very badly, in fact! (Makes hIS move and

1 hllnges sides.)1'1 IlOEK: How goes it?

\I 11 Super, Mum! (Makes his move.) Checkmate!/Ill : You lost?

\I 11 N ,I won.I I.UDEK: You won?

1111 11 No, I lost.I 1III K: Come now. Did you win or did you lose?

1\11 11 Lost here - and won here.I'I.UDEK: When you win here, you lose here?

11 1I (I' And when I lose here, I win here.I IIIl1.K: You see, Berta? Instead of a total victory one time ~r a

total defeat another, he prefers to win a little and lose a little, h time.

l'LUDEK: Such a player will always stay in the game.I IIU¥.K: Quite! You can't fry chickenweed without a straw. And

why? WhereasaiI other ciasses in history kept excharigmgtheir historical positions, the middle classes have come downthrough history untouched, because no ~ther class has evertried to take their position, and so the middle classes neverhad anything to exchange with anybody and have thusremained the only really permanent force in history. ~dthat's why, dear son, they cement the fragments of history .into one unified whole and indeed create history and make Itwhat it is. Hence the most important eras are those ~t haveknown how to lean on the middle classes and put all Idealsinto their care, which they then look after as their own,before passing them on to the next generation. No era canexist without the middle classes, whereas - on the contrary-

7

THE GARDEN PARTY

the middle classes can exist independently of all eras. Andperhaps even without them altogether. I hope you don'tthink one can shoot kites while keeping a stable in Beroun?There you are! And the only country-

MRS PL UDEK: What time is it?PL UDEK: And the only country which doesn't need the middle

classes is Japan-MRS PLUDEK: What time is it?PL UDEK: And the only country which doesn't need the middle

classes is Japan, because only in Japan are there enoughpeople-.

MRS PLUDEK: What time is it?PL UDEK: And the only country which doesn't need the middle

classes is Japan, because only in Japan are there enoughpeople even without the middle classes. Besides, Japan-

MRS PLUDEK: What time is it?PLUDEK: Five. Besides, Japan-MRS PL UDEK: What time was he supposed to come?PL UDEK: At twelve. Besides Japan - what did I actually want to

say about Japan?HUGO: You probably wanted to say that if we don't realize in time

the historical role of the middle classes, the Iaps, who don'tneed the middle classes, will come, remove them fromhistory, and send them to Japan.

MRS PLUDEK: At twelve? And what if he doesn't come?PL UDEK: Quite right, Hugo. Heaven forbid that you should still;1 be about when that terrible day arrives! (To MRS PLUDEK) If....,..!! he doesn't come, somebody else will!;i (Just then the doorbell rings.)MRS PL UDEK: Nobody will come! Nobody will write! Nobody

will call! We're alone. Alone in the whole world!HUGO: And there are more and more Japs every day. Did

somebody ring?(PETER enters.)

MRS PLUDEK: Peter! Go and hide in the pantry! Kalabis is here!(PETER exits. AMANDA enters.)

PLUDEK: Is something the matter?

8

THE GARDEN PARTY

I'here's nothing the matter. Here is a -\I rI

Nu, telegram!W 11,go on. Read it!

\I Opens it and reads) DEAR ALBERT, 'CANN~T COME1"11 Y MUST GO TO GARDEN PARTY OF LIQUIDATION

, . ~Wh ~"IIII.E. Have you got it, Ann dear? Are you all nght. y.III 1 . At half past seven. But you'll be there, won't you?

V I KO on? SORRY. HOPING TO SEE YOU SOME OTHERI I MI • Very much! It does something for your figure! Well,

hv not at the corner where you used to get off! Ab, theI of nature! Listen, what about a trip to the country this

k nd? GREETINGS YOURS. Come on! You're not made of, are you? FRANCIS KALABIS.

11 11 won't come! We're finished! Nobody cares for us,

I I' II I \IOEK: Stop being hysterical, Albert. If he doesn't come\11 I ugo, Hugo will go to him!

I 1111 : Where?I I UDEK: To the garden party.

I '" I :To the garden party! Hugo! Where's your tie - and yourck t-

NHA: Well, I'd better be going- (Lingers.) Well, goodbye-I'I.UDEK: Never mind, love. When I was starting out I used\11 t even smaller parts than this.N IlA: But those were different times, madam! (Exits.)

I uu .K: I hope Hugo is being careful when she's about!1'1.UDEK: You do realize, Albert, she's the daughter of a

retaker!I 11)) K: All the more reason for taking care!

J>L UDEK: You do realize, Albert, what kind of times wehappen to live in!

I I tlJ}EK: Quite! Tomorrow Hugo will take her for a walk!S PL UDEK: That's right. Hugo! Get your tie - and your jacket

- and run along to the garden party!111100: I must play the return game. .I I. fOEK: Did you hear that, Berta? I've been feeding a chipmunk

9

THE GARDEN PARTY

so long that my pipe fell into the rushes! What if Jaros hthat! To play a return game! When the destiny of man is atstake! The future of a family!

MRS PLUDEK: Father speaks of the family and you don't evenbother to stand up?

PL UDEK: Oh no! The times when they used to stand up are goneThen they were both little, they strolled through the highgrass, chased the butterflies, and we were changing theirnappies like the apples of our eyes, we were giving them thebacks of our shirts-

MRS PLUDEK: Never mind, Albert! Hugo! Life is actually a sortof a big chessboard. Does that mean anything to you?

HUGO: It does, Mum! Without the warp you cannot bury thewoof. Where's my tie? And my jacket?(PLUDEK and MRS PLUDEK are moved and kiss HUGO.)

MRS PLUDEK: Our darling little dope!PL UDEK: Dear son! Life is a struggle! And you are a dog! Stone

walls do not an iron bar! To be or not, aye there's the rub!Consider the lilies of the valley, they spoil not, neither dothey tin. You are my son! He who doesn't know how to wathrough the rye must go to Prague for his wits! You're aPludek! Farewell! Or else:'"(PETER arrives. HUGO exits. They are all moved and watch higo.)

MRS PLUDEK: I'll drink to you only with mine eyesFor parting is such sweet sorrowI could tomorrow and tomorrowo Mother, dear MotherOne day he will sayHome, 0 sweet homeIt's here I shall stay-

PL UDEK: (Sings ) You'll take the low road and I'll take the highroad-

MRS PL UDEK: Bertie-PLUDEK: What?MRS PL UDEK: Do you remember that lovely summer just before

the war? All the wonderful, mad plans we made then! You

10

THE GARDEN PARTY

I •going to study - to organize - to <w:ect~ P~ter! Whe~e areVilli off to again? Can't you stay for a while Within the family

It I ?(1'1 TliRexits.) We must brace ourselves up again, Bertie! You

now what I mean! We must soar up from the earth - spread11111wings-in short-live! Yes, live, live, live! We shall start a11 W and a better life!

111111 : Lentils are lentils and oats are oats. New life? Why the

\1111 not?

SCENE 2

I ,m.me to the garden where the party of the Liquidation Office is• III place. A CLERK and a SECRETARY, employees of the .

I Ii}'411ll1tionOffice on duty at this entrance, sit at a desk covered WIth./, IIIpapers, various rubber stamps, etc. HUGO enters.

1'1 (I ,ood evening. Lentils are lentils and oats are oats. Isnil ague Kalabis in? .: Kalabis Josef, bom January znd, 1940, Kalabis Vaclav,

horn June 18th, 189I,or KalabisFrancis, born August ath,

, ~;1~Y:KalabisFrancis,bomAugust4th, 1919~haSbeen.~J( used. He's lecturing tonight at a house commirtee meeung

110 the future of mankind.I I I K : Do take off your jacket and tie.

I1 lunARY: You are now at the main entrance Brj. You can buyh re a general ticket which entitles you to move freelyIhroughout the whole area of the garden and to visit.~ost.allthe events organized within the framework of the Liquidation

ffice Garden Party.I I RK: There is for example, an informal chatwith the Head of

the Develo~ment Department about new liquidationmethods taking place in the area around the Little Pond-

IC.RETARY: An entertaining Quiz Programme on the history ofthe Liquidation Office, taking place in Summerhouse No. 3 -

II