The Edge Magazine December 2010

Wishes do come true...

Give the perfect giftthis christmas

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ISSUE NO: 170

www.theedgemag.co.uk The Edge, Chelmsford, CM2 6XD. Telephone 01245 348256 Mobile: 077 646 797 44

DECEMBER 2010‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

EDGEtheThe Edge 170:The Edge 170.qxd 26/11/2010 14:17

The Edge 170:The Edge 170.qxd 26/11/2010 14:17

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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Or at least you would have done if you’d been in Chelmsford Town Centre on Saturday 30th October(and if you weren’t, pray readers, where on earth were you?) for this years Essex StreetDiversions.As ever, it was truly excellent fun and, along with the incredible Fling festival of 10th July, it is serious-ly one of the first dates you should be putting into your diaries for 2011 - IF you are proud to call your-self a ‘Chelmsfordian’ that is. (Yes, The Edge appreciates there’s also the little matter of the ‘V’ festivalto consider....but in all honestly, when you come to think about it, save for its location, just how ‘local’an event is ‘V’?).Whereas StreetDiversions is truly something else; rehearsed, most definitely, though its improvisationis geared, to a fairly large extent, on the part our town’s good sporting public plays in the proceedings. Many thanks once again to our council’s Leisure & Cultural Events team for laying it on.

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The Edge 170:The Edge 170.qxd 26/11/2010 16:40 Page 3

The Edge 01245 348256

Seemingly, I can’t help it.I have a predilection towards those who are lessthan perfect, probably because I am far lessthan perfect myself. Fact is, I don’t even believein the state of ‘being perfect’.There’s a saying: ‘If it looks too good to be true,it probably is.’Don’t get me wrong, inside, inside I am assoppy as a wet weekend in Bognor Regis inFebruary. Sit me down between now andChristmas Day with a DVD of Sir RichardAttenborough as Santa Claus in Miracle on 34thStreet and I assure you, I will bawl my bleedin’eyes out.Trouble is, it’s fantasy. I know it’s fantasy andtherefore I indulge myself and allow myself torevel in such wonderful fantasy. It’s in the realworld where I’m far more cynical.If I see a Santa Claus in a department storebouncing a giggling ickle kiddy up and down onhis lap, do I think: ‘Ahhhhh. Bless. How lovely.’No, I do not. I think: paedophile.That’s how my mind works, but hey, don’t arrestme for ‘thought crime’ cos it ain’t illegal (yet), so

far as I know. I look at the picture (left) and what do I see? Isee both tragedy and reality.There but for the grace of God....How many peoples lives are an absolute charade?‘What you don’t know won’t hurt you.’Do you honestly realise and fully understandjust how marginal the dividing line sometimes isbetween....between what? Success and failure?Between something working and something not.Between sickness and health. Between life anddeath.We’re born, we grow up (well, some of us do)and it’s somehow ‘our duty’ to make somethingof ourselves; of our lives.Well go on then. Imagine life’s a cake. There’syour mixing bowl. There’s your wooden spoon.There’s your grater (by chance you’d like to adda few shards of carrot or some zest of lemonpeel). Now bake me a cake that symbolisesyour life.Sometimes, in the middle of the night (like I didthe other night), I wake up and think aboutsomething that isn’t quite right, but is connectedwith my life, and I think: ‘Hey, I’m going to dosomething about that in the morning’.Only then, when it’s daylight and it’s time to getup, I’ll (probably) think: ‘Oh fuck it.’Black (darkness) and white (daylight). It’sstrange just how different you can feel duringeach.I believe, deep down, that I am a decent person,although I know that there are parts of me thatare (quite clearly) all bloody wrong.So what would you say about yourselves, read-ers? Are you happy with the way you are; howyou feel, the way in which you each conductyour lives and interact with others?Rutger Hauer once famously (or not so famous-

ly; your choice) said, during a Guinness com-mercial, “It’s not easy being a dolphin.”Well life’s not (always) so easy either becausedecisions always have to be made and we’veeach got this thing firmly planted inside ourheads called ‘a mind’, only is it ‘a mind’, or is it a‘timebomb’? And what’s with all this euphoriaand sorrow and anguish and regret?Yeah, “It’s not easy being a dolphin” alright!So Christmas is upon us, yet again (why did italways seem to take ages to come around whenwe were kids, yet it literally seems like just lastmonth when you’re an adult?) and it’s the timeof year for taking stock and reflecting (unlessyou simply want to get pissed). It’s also a timefor families to get together and.....and suffer oneanother, far more often than not, in total silence,save for whatever’s on the gogglebox frombreakfast ’til suppertime.Maybe it’d be a good idea to do away with thepresents this year, for perhaps they merelypaper over the cracks?Instead, what you could do is make someone apromise. After all, it’s free. It doesn’t cost you adamn thing.But my God, if you stick to it, what a monumen-tal gift to bestow on someone.Only you’d better mean it, whilst the recipienthad better be worth it.The Santa Claus you see on this page is mySanta Claus. He ain’t perfect. Oh no, no, no, no,he ain’t perfect alright. But inside, he is anabundance of all those ingredients I was talkingabout putting into your bowls and mixing up...and if you cut him, he will most definitely bleed.How does your own cake taste, readers?Is it lacking in anything?

The Edge Editor’s Column

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 01245 348256

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This man/gaylord needs your support runningnext years London Marathon on 17th April,readers, so please give generously. He is ‘dad of 2’ James Perry (44), former ownerof The Hot House and now catering manager atKEGS, and he’s running the gruelling 26-milecourse in aid of Breakthrough Breast Cancer.“Just log on, go to fundraising, then go to JimPerry,” says James.

www.virginmoneygiving.com“It’s a fantastic cause, so please help me out.”

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If you’re after a clue, he’s half-Polish, he worksdown Baddow Road in the ‘fashion industry’,he supports West Haaaaaaaaam and does amean Chris Geer impersonation.Nope? You still cannot place him?Turn to page 27 and see...

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WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

“This was when The Coneheads spotted The Edge Editor’s bonce!”So far as this publication is concerned, The Coneheads are equally as important as ChristmasDay is once every year to our humble little town, so it was indeed an honour and a privilege thatthey adjudged my bald bonce to be worthy of such a reaction (see above) on Saturday 30thOctober.Yes folks, this years ESSEXstreetdiversions was yet another huge, huge success and The Edgedoesn’t think you can honestly put a price onthis type of entertainment, all intermingled withSaturday shoppers in our very own High Street.This years was our eighth ‘internationallyflavoured’ ESSEXstreetdiversions festival and,as ever, it certainly did not disappoint. What’smore, the weather was kind to us too, whichwas a real blessing.When The Edge first entered town via the stonebridge that separates our High Street fromMoulsham Street, the first creations/creatures tobe seen were four giant spiders on stilts.....andwhen they suddenly strode quickly to tower overinnocent bystanders and onlookers, b’Jesus, itwas, most definitely, really rather creepy. Sure, as one mum said to me, giant spidersaren’t necessarily that which appeals to young children; but then so far as this publication isconcerned, young children should always beseen and not heard....and who says ESSEXstreetdiversions is exclusively for kids anyway?Whatever. The Edge would like to take this opportunity, without being disrespectful to the won-derful Coneheads, to pay tribute to this years undoubted ‘star turn’. Yes folks, I hope you will allagree with the mag when it says The Doormen/Minders totally stole the show with their hilariousand unique antics and mannerisms (see pages 14 & 15 for further details).I literally followed them about for the better part of an hour to see what they would get up tonext, whether it be protecting people who were using cash machines, or cordoning off theaccess to Springfield Road from the High Street between Next and Starbucks with red and whiteplastic tape and orange and white cones.Many thanks also to sharp-eyed shooter Crispin Coulson who spotted some folk who honestlyappeared to have been shat upon from a very great height.....by a whole squadron of pigeons.Yes, that’s right, readers, their heads and shoulders appeared to be covered in an abundance ofbird doo (see pages 14 & 15 once again). All in all, marvellous, marvellous stuff!

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The Edge 01245 348256

AN IDIOT AT HOMEThe curmudgeonly Karl Pilkington ismy new ‘man of the month’. He's evena candidate for a soulmate now I'vesat through ‘An Idiot Abroad’, courtesyof Sky TV and the Gervais/Merchantthink-tank. Karl shows how travel canbroaden the mind and exhaust thesenses, but being away from homeand all its creature comforts can alsobring on an unnerving emotional expe-rience; namely homesickness. Thismalady can hit without warning and itseffects can be disorienting, debilitatingand downright depressing. But whatthe hell do you do if homesicknessstrikes like a heavyweight punch whenyou're still actually at home? Hereinlays the conundrum of Christmas forme. I'm not sure why, but during thefestive period my home and my worldbegins to feel both alien and uncom-fortable when I'm the hostess withoutthe most-est! Before the first rap onthe door, I'm already grumpy and mis-placed from rearranging furniture anddigging through the loft for airbeds,duvets and musty board games. Evenas I'm kissing people hello, I know I've

forgotten to hide the Anusol, to hangthe bog roll the posh way round and tosquirrel away the overdrawn bankstatements. The distinctive whiff ofburning logs, pine needles and warm-ing mince pies is cold comfort for meas my 'to do list' stretches towardsJanuary and my home and sanctuarymorphs into a sort of ChristmasShelter. It might have been invaded bypeople I love, and I know it's only for afew days here and there, but theirpresence disrupts my equilibrium. I love havingpeople over that mean something tome; I just prefer it if they bugger off thevery same day. Strange shoes, slip-pers, coats and bags scattered aroundmy hall feels wrong if they're still insitu after 24 hours. When the foreigndressing gowns and wash-bags findtheir way into my bathroom and bed-room, I'm usually hyperventilating overthe hob. The Iceland/M&S et aladverts try to sell us a Christmasutopia that rarely exists unless you'vegot a house the size of the ShetlandIsles and a bank balance to match.Apparently women, on average, spenda grand total of 38 days preparing forChristmas! That's a whopping 912hours! A palatable solution is probablyto sod off abroad if you can wing it, oropt to be a Christmas guest ratherthan a host. I'd honestly give it a go,but I get homesick for my own tree,fire, fridge and farts after a few hours.Looks like I'll forever be ‘An Idiot atHome’.

BLINDING!Has anyone in Chelmsford actuallyever purchased blinds or shutters fromHillarys Blinds? I'm just wonderingbecause I think I could have created awhole papier-mâché country from theamount of paper advertising I'vereceived from this company over thepast year - and every one of my win-dows has blinds already. I'm honestlynot sure if Hillary's are truly raking insome blinding business in this sobereconomic climate, or just not gettingthe message that most people piss offto Ikea for their venetians?

YOU ARE WHAT YOU SCREECHWayne Rooney's endured his fairshare of tabloid 'jungle treatment' overthe last few months, but if I were him,I'd be feeling pretty relieved that thewonky and whacky Gillian McKeith of'You Are What You Eat' has chosen toenter the ‘I'm a Celebrity...’ jungle thisyear. Hysteria and hyperventilatingmakes curious viewing, but throw invertigo, veganism and arachnophobiaand you begin to wonder just how slimthe list of crap celebrities was in thepre-production selection process.She's certainly garnering publicity forthe show, and if you believe what youread, she actually went in there toreveal the ‘real Gillian’! Given her per-formance thus far, she'll find she'sgoing to have to deal with a lot of shitewhen she eventually gets out. Noproblem for our Gillian; except thistime it won't come in a Tupperwarecourtesy of a blushing fat bloke or bird.

RING RINGWomen do love a man's ring on theirfinger, don't they? The shrewd andsober girl will lead her man towards adecent jeweller with excited, shallowbreaths and bright eyes glistening withunspoken promise. The screwed girlwill drag any man into a pub car parkwith Bacardi breath and eyes that rolllike marbles. Say no more. A sparkleron the finger is a woman's equivalentof tinsel on a tree. No matter howstumpy, spindly, distorted or downrightabused the digits appear, the glint of apolished gem can turn a sow's trotterinto a silk purse. But what do you do ifthe ring your man wants on your fingerbelongs to his deceased mother? Youaccept it with dignity, that's what. Sohats off to Kate Middleton. Waity-Katiehas taken a mauling in our press overthe years, but I can't see why wearinga ring that belonged to a dead womanwho loved her son should cause somuch chatter when it's going to afuture wife and Queen who obviouslyfeels the same about the same man,even if it's a different sort of love. Theonly way to move on is to let go. Therecomes a time when it's far better tolook to the future, rather than to keepraking over the past.

IT'S A WRAPWishing all Edge readers a very MerryChristmas! However you do it, andwhoever you do it with, enjoy, indulgeand remember: Christmas is a race tosee which gives out first, your moneyor your feet! xxx

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We all have to get up in the morning, but those ultra creative souls atBang & Olufsen like to make damn sure that even the most unpleasant ofhuman rituals turns out to be a truly extraordinary experience. Quite simply, they have transformed the humble alarm clock into aremarkable and unobtrusive object d’art with some surprisingly practicalfeatures, such as a built-in motion sensor plus subtle automatic backlight. Meanwhile, the sleep-timer lets you doze off to music or a late night programme without having to worry about switching it off. You can also choose to wake up to BeoTime's discreet chime and add thesound of your favourite TV programme, radio station, or piece of music.“Whatever it takes”, say B&O, “this remarkable little piece of ‘man kit’ (ohcome on, ladies, it is so totally the ultimate gentleman’s gadget) is sure tomake every morning a pleasant one.”Hmmmm, not so sure about that!But just look at it. Isn’t it beautiful? (To The Edge, it looks like the sexiestflute ever made.) “Inspired by the conflict between night and day inMozart's The Magic Flute (told you!), BeoTime is visually unlike any alarmclock you will ever have seen. Every innovation is grounded in cleverfunctionality. The horizontal line and square panels relax the eye to suit abedroom setting, whether you place BeoTime on a side table or hang it ona (supplied) magnetic wall fixture. The tube shape is also incredibly easyto hold when setting wake-up or shut-down times.”But what’s best about it from The Edge’s point-of-view is that it requiresbarely any instructions. Thanks to its motion sensor, the display informa-tion and buttons always orient themselves correctly in your hand, or onyour night table. What’s more, you can easily set timer functions or pro-gram any other B&O unit in the room (such as a TV set) to wake you uptogether with the unique chime of this ingeniously super sexy alarm clock.And once aroused, all you have to do is tap, or gently shake, BeoTimelightly if you need to have a relaxing snooze for ten more minutes, beforestrolling off to work without having to switch anything off.Why not buy one for your fella this Christmas, ladies?Price: an extraordinarily cool £325.....and worth every penny!

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The Edge 01245 348256

Ramblers Association Celebrates 75 Years

Chelmer and Blackwater Ramblers are a local walking group who offerrambles every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday covering distances ofbetween 10-12 miles usually with a pub stop. Saturdays are normally

shorter distances (over just 5-6 miles). They pride themselves in being veryfriendly and welcoming to newcomers of all ages. Social events includecoach trips to surrounding counties, walking weekend holidays and variousother functions.Membership includes all types such as retired, those who have lost partners,and those who simply like to remain active. New members soon feel wel-come and quickly relax into the lovely pastime of rambling. The benefits of walking are to both your health and mind. Share the chang-ing countryside as seasons come and go with good company and enjoypretty villages, coastal and river walks, and nature in its own habitat. Alsoenjoy trips to neighbouring counties such as sleepy Suffolk, the garden ofEngland (Kent) and the tranquil beauty of Norfolk.If you are looking for a new hobby, pastime or some form of exercise that isnot too strenuous, why not give rambling a go? You honestly won’t regret it.Simply contact Maureen on 01245 344636 for further details, readers.

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David Sherman’s

BEVERAGE REPORT

The Red Fox Brewery is situated on a farm outsideCoggeshall, a picturesque village nestling between Braintree andColchester. Established by ex-Crouch Vale brewer Russell Barnes in2008 (“Because they wouldn't let me make the beers I wanted tomake”), its reputation and sales have gone from strength to strengthever since - and rightly so! Never having been averse to half-a-dayspent watching a brewer at work, I paid Russell a visit to get thefacts about his operation.

Red Fox is pretty much unique among British breweries inthat the brewing premises was actually built from scratch by thepeople who now produce the beer. Despite being hard work (andsomewhat time-consuming), this does of course mean that Russellnow has exactly the design of premises he requires, rather than hav-ing to work around the pre-existing floorplans, walls and low beamsencountered by many of his profession. Russell did, however, keepa chair that was found in the barn that previously occupied the site.Also useful is the fact that the farm has a readily accessible well-water, rather than a standard mains supply, and a reed bed to recy-cle waste water. This is obviously safe, clean and environmentallyfriendly - if you don't believe me, just ask the ducks and fishes!

Russell produces eight permanent beers and a variety ofseasonals; his current specials being a spiced stout flavoured withsloes and Ruby Red Mild at 6.9% - sadly not ready for tasting at thetime of my visit, but destined for pubs and beer festivals in time forChristmas. Of the permanent beers, Wily Old Fox was in productionas I wandered around. This strong bitter was Russell's first beer inhis own right and has proved so popular that it has not been alteredsince its first appearance.

Red Fox Bitter is the more sessionable counterpart and certainly proved to be highly palatable when Russell, myself andhis brewing assistant John Naunton repaired to The Queens Headjust near the brewery later in the day. This pub sells Red Fox beers permanently and also does a good line in quality food. You'll find iton the main road just after you pass the turning for the village. Also available at the time of our visit was Coggeshall Gold,a deeply orangey beer lacking the excessive sharpness of manyGolden Ales (don't get me started....). Arctic Fox and the somewhatoverwhelming Surrex Gold have been recent seasonal ales in a simi-lar vein, the former being very popular at Colchester Beer Festivaland therefore being revived for another outing.

At the opposite end of the colour spectrum, Russell produces the truly superb Black Fox Porter, a rich, roasty ale with adry, malty finish which has deservedly been awarded ChampionBeer of Essex by CAMRA. A dark mild is also occasionally pro-duced. Equinox has the added attraction of being made with wildhops that grow in hedgerows local to the brewery (and at John'shouse), though if you want a description you'll have to provide yourown, having had more luck than me in tracking it down.

Demand has increased to the extent that Russell is adding afourth fermenting vessel, whilst five of the regular beers are nowavailable in bottles. Are Crouch Vale, with their own pub and a two-time Champion Beer of Britain, envious of their former colleague?

Probably not.

But they should be.

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BRING IT ON!I know I wrote in the September Edge that I was thinking about taking aleaf out of Edge ‘colonist’ Steve Ward’s book by cooking a paella onChristmas Day and bollocks to institutionalised T&T (turkey and trimmings)...which me and the good lady wife might still well do...but you’ve simplygot to have turkey at some point over the festive period, haven’t you...orChristmas wouldn’t be Christmas without it, queries The Edge Editor.

Or would it?

Wasn’t it a goose that was traditionally always cooked on Christmas Day,followed by rubbing yourself down with goose fat all over ones naked bodybefore attempting to swim the English Channel?

The Edge might have got that bit wrong, but honestly, why do we feel asthough we have to eat turkey?

For centuries it was traditional for UK families to pig-out on the aforemen-tioned goose and...wait for it...the head of a boar (“Half-a-pound ofsausages, a dozen rashers of bacon and, oooooh, go on then, a boar’shead, please, Mr. Butcher bloke!”)...but that all apparently changed in thesixteenth century when the turkey was introduced to our shores.

BFB (big fat bastard) Henry VIII was the first English king to enjoy turkey,although it was that ickle trend-setter Edward VII who made eating itswhite meat fashionable over the festive period.

But hey, definitely covered in lashings of thick, piping hot gravy, yeah,readers? (Don’t you just hate it when restaurants don’t give you enough ofanything, such as gravy, apple sauce, cranberry sauce...even the meatitself. And oh aren’t they precious when it comes to their grated parmesanwhen one is having spaghetti? I don’t want some noncy waiter sprinkling itover my grub when it arrives. “Leave the bloody pot, man!” I like to addspoonfuls of the stuff throughout my meal...and, if truth be told, prettymuch after every couple of mouthfuls).

And what about nuts in their shells? Not to mention huge, bloody greatdrums of Quality Street? After Eight mints? “Stilton and crackers, anyone?” Ooooh, and I just love a warm bag of hot roasted chestnuts off astreet-seller, only I get ever so disgruntled if the shells don’t peel off easily.

Personally, I always like to get stuck into a few bottles of port at Crimbo,kicking off around mid-November, despite the fact it generally ends upmaking me heave whenever I add a good splosh of the stuff to take theedge (no pun intended) off me Guinness, whilst Mrs Edge comes over allpartial to Croft Original (yes, bloody sherry).

It’s all totally crazy, when you really come to think about it, isn’t it?

The father-in-law generally bakes a Christmas Cake in November too, onlyI have to keep on reminding him to continually douse it with alcohol prettymuch every day so that when you eventually cut a piece, it kind of lurchesonto your plate and won’t even stand up straight cos it’s so pissed.

Ooooh, and Sherry Trifle...with lashings of cream and custard. Yum-yum.

Really, Christmas is all about making a complete and utter pig out of your-self. Forget about whether you’re hungry or not. In fact, simply accept thatyou’re not and force it down anyway.

After all, there’s plenty of folk starving in this world, so let’s just be thankfulit’s not us, is what The Edge says.

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Quite simply: the show-stealers!

This fella and his incredible hydro-horse were really‘something else’ too.

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Hot WaxJust as blokes like to give their cara good waxing from time to time,it’s also good to have any unsightlyhair removed from a fella’s body-work every now and again.That’s why Chelmsford chapsshould book an appointment withFrancesca at Another Level.Bless her cotton socks, this lovelylassie waxed your editors shouldersand ‘gills’ (work it out) and did anabsolutely cracking job, not makingme shriek once.Edge columnist Kingpin is also aregular client of Francesca’s, coshe is one hairy hombre, is that lad.Another Level Medispa has justmoved to Can Bridge Way.

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It’s our duty to protect children andlame animals and wotnot. Butsometimes, just sometimes, I canget both shocked and offendedwhilst carrying out the simplest oftasks and it can really detrimentallyaffect the remainder of my day.Take this yellow pepper, forinstance. Last time I bought one ina supermarket, I never noticed an‘X’ certificate stuck to its skin.But just look what happens afteryou take a sharp knife to one?That’s right, readers....they turn intothe Elephant Man with a hard-on.Now OK, there weren’t any minorspresent in The Edge kitchen whenit happened, but what if there hadbeen, eh? Perhaps 12 of them at a7th birthday party celebration, orsomething, and they all witnessedthat which you see below?Tut, doesn’t bear thinking about.

Shocked & Offended

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EDGEthe01245 348256 If this story doesn’t touch your heart, readers.....then quite simply, you haven’t got one.

Unemployed Chelmsford bachelor Richard ‘Guy’ Fawkes, who has been living alone for thepast five years since his mother died, has recently experienced a double-whammy of dispro-portionate measurements.Served a ‘notice of eviction’ on the Friday, ‘Tricky Dicky’ won £1.35million on the NationalLottery on the Saturday, and then, somewhat amazingly, found the ‘love of his life’ but 24hours later in nail technician Maria Stott.“They say things happen in threes, don’t they?” asked a bemused Richard to reporterscamped outside his small terraced house in Broomfield. “But when Maria walked into the KFClast Sunday afternoon and strode straight up to me and kissed me passionately on the lips, itwas such a wonderful, wonderful moment where two people just know they’ve found theirsoulmates.”Asked where they would be spending Christmas this year, Richard beamed, “It’s usually’round me Nan’s in Galleywood, but Maria and I are flying out to the Caymen Islands to gethitched.”Ahhhhh, bless. Don’t stories like this simply restore your faith in the goodness and whole-someness of life, readers? Tch, your editor could honestly weep tears of joy for ‘Guy’.It’s just beautiful. So, soooooo beautiful.

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‘THE MAN TEST’ THINGY...1. If you are over 40 and you have a washboard stomach, you must be a queer. It means youhaven't supped back enough pints with your mates and have spent the rest of your free timedoing sit-ups, aerobics, and adhering to that Oprah diet.....you faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a raving homo. A cat is like a dog, only queer. It grooms itself constantly (but never scratches itself), has a delicate touch (except when it lashes out with itsclaws) and meeows to be fed. Think about how you might say to a dog: “Killer, come here,boy. I said get your ass over here!” Only now think about how you might call a cat: “Bun-Bun,poppet, come to daddikins!” Jesus, how gay is that?

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a RavingGaylord. A straight man only ever sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs,pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you are clearlycraving a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he both defecates and urinates wherever he damn well pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soya Latte'. If you've ever puta ‘Decaf Soya Latte’ to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different typesof dessert other than ice-cream and custard, you might as well be handing out freeass passes. A real man doesn't have the memory-space in his brain to rememberall that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse, you're gay. And if you can name anytype of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a 100% pufta.

7. If you drive with both hands on the steering-wheel, forget it, you're dying to tunea meat-whistle. A man only ever puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut a prick up. The rest of the time he needs that hand free tochange the radio station, eat a sarnie, or scratch his nuts.

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Mmmm, despite the fact the voices were dubbed, I liked this movie a lot,writes The Edge Editor.

Based on a faithful adaption of a Swedish crime novel written by StiegLarsson, this is the story of a journalist (Mikael Blomkvist) who is sen-tenced to a short prison term after being framed for libel. Free for a limitedperiod before having to serve his sentence, he accepts a job offer fromHenrik Vanger, an aged former chairman of the Vanger Corporation andpatriarch of the extremely powerful, yet dysfunctional, Vanger family. OldHenrik wants Blomkvist to investigate the disappearance and, he believes,murder, of his beloved niece, Harriet, some 40 years prior when she wasjust 16.

Blonkvist moves into a small cottage in the grounds of the Vanger estate,but is making little headway in the case until he receives a mysteriousemail from this movie’s title character. Lisabeth Salander is a brilliant, butacutely antisocial, computer hacker who has been busy hackingBlomkvist, initially for an assignment, but later out of curiosity and admira-tion for the famed journalist. Realising her genius, Blomkvist calls her bluffand the two join forces as a classic detective team to solve the mystery ofthe absent Harriet Vanger.

Played with ferocious intensity by NoomiRapace, Salander has an extremely coldexterior which masks her fragile interior -the result of a life filled with terrible sexu-al abuse and victimisation.

This movie starts as a slow burner butdraws you in and holds you intently untilits ultimate conclusion. It also providessome seriously good atmosphere andmood without the need for an orchestragoing overboard in the background.

Rapace is simply superb as Salander.

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IndiaHi ShaunNot sure where in Kerela you werethinking of staying as it’s a bigstate. Personally, I have mainlystayed in the Kovalam area at LightHouse Beach. I have been 4 timesand much prefer it to Goa. In fact,out of all the places I have visitedin the world, it’s still my favouritedestination (also known as God’sOwn Country). I would highly recommend taking inan Elephant Festival while you’rethere. I have been to several andthe most amazing one was wheresome Indian guys were druggedand had their bodies pierced andhung from trucks like living meat!

Furthermore, some of the guys inthe festival had spears rightthrough there cheeks - in one sideand straight out the other! If you happen to visit Kovalam, goto Cosmic Travel (down a sidealley next to the Thushara GuestHouse, were I stayed) and they’llbe able to tell you where and whenall the festivals are taking place asthere are so very many right acrossthe State of Kerela.

I would also recommend a trip toBackwaters, Cochin, the temple atTrivandrum, a visit to a children'shome and a day spent with ele-phants, where you will be able tofeed and wash them in a river. The food over there is truly superbas you are close to the spice capi-tal Cochin - known as the Venice ofthe East. There are many goodrestaurants in Kovalam also, but becareful what you eat in Kerela. Ialways stuck to fresh fish cooked inbanana leaves with Indian spices,rice, vegetable curry, onion pekoraetc., but I wouldn't recommend eating any salads or ice-creams.The only beer you can get is bottled Kingfisher and it’s not sobad at just under £1 for a large bottle. Sometimes you’ll have todrink it out of a tea mug in restaurants though, or hide yourbottle under the table as theKereala State government does notallow you to drink alcohol in public. During the four times myself andmy ladyfriend have been, we’venever once been ill. However, wehave seen many who have beenvery sick with ‘Delhi Belly’, so dobe careful out there.The beaches are very good inKovalam and in Varkala, where Ihave also been, and you can helpthe local fishermen pull in theirnets. The waves can be massiveand are ideal for surfing (you canhire surfboards and bodyboards atKovalam). Be careful in the seathough as there are strong currentsand rip tides, often on a dailybasis. We actually witnessed a guybeing rescued who’d got caught inone and it was a hair-raising expe-rience. (Little tip: if you do getcaught in a current, swim sidewaysout and you should be OK, but donot swim towards the shore untilyou’re sure you’re well out of it.)Finally, local kids always ask forpens, so if you have any items youcan take with you to give away,they will greatly appreciate it. Iactually always take a few deflatedfootballs out with me and pumpthem up there to give away, whichalways seems to go down well!

Hope this helps.Maurice Hyde.

Many thanks, sir.

Guard DogDear Edge,This looks a good way to scare anywould be thieves off your premises.....but honestly, would you do thisto your dog?

Jools MorrisChelmsford.

Why not just teach dogs toshoot, seeing as they’re suppos-edly so very loyal and devotedand what have you?

Tram CrashDear Edge,Wondered whether or not you’dseen the photographic evidence ofa recent Dublin city centre tramcrash?Here you go:-

Regards,Lengthy Boy’s Dad

It’s alright you having a cheaplaugh at the Irish, sir, but do yourealise that innocent passengerscould have been injured?

Waste RemovalDear Edge,Whilst driving through the country-

side the other day, I happened tospot this amusing sign on the backof a waste removal vehicle andsimply had to snap it and send it toyou.Well, I guess if you’re working withturds all day long, you need asense of humour!

Michelle.Lovely of you to think of TheEdge whilst pootling alongbehind something that is clearlyFULL OF SHIT, Michelle.

Marky MarkHi Shaun,I'm very disappointed.After singing your praises to youwhen I met your good self at Mikeand Tina's 1st anniversary party atThe Brewers last month, you didn'tput the photo of me and you inyour glorious mag. Oh well!Any road up, as promised, I havespoken to the management at theChieftains and they do hereby cor-dially invite you and ‘The LengthyBoy’ to attend a game of ice hock-ey at Riverside on a Sunday night.(We have several Saturday nightgames, but due to time restrictions,Sunday's are better.)I look forward to seeing you both atRiverside soon. Keep up the good work.

Mark Spearman (aka MC Marky Mark)

Many apologies, Marky-bloke.

Marathon PlodderHi, On 17th April 2011 I shall be run-ning the London Marathon to raisemoney for Breakthrough BreastCancer.As many of you know, I lost mylovely Mum, Beryl, to this terribledisease 10 years ago. Since then,my lovely Dad, Sonny, lost his fightwith bowel cancer 3 years ago andmy beautiful sister, Sharon, con-tracted breast cancer at the sametime.Sharon has had a period of remis-sion, but unfortunately the cancerhas returned and she is once againgoing through a series of horrifictreatments.I've always been rubbish at run-ning, but feel that with a bit of effortI can succeed in finishing the raceand hopefully raise a pile of cashto help this wonderful charity.If you could, I would really appreci-ate your sponsorship, howevermuch or little, to help me hit my tar-get of a minimum £5,000.The link to make your contributionson is below and if you choose to,then thank you so very much.uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundrais-er-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserPage.action?userUrl=JIMPERRY&faId=56756&isTeam=falseorwww.virginmoneygiving.com (Clickon fundraisers and type in JimPerry)Thanks for your time and muchlove to you all.

Jim.

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It's the Christmas season. Decorations will light up our homes,turkeys will 'fly' off the supermarket shelves, and presents arebought for our family and friends. At this magical time of year, it

is estimated that Chelmsford will produce an extra 5,000 tonnesof rubbish this Christmas, which in weight roughly equates to50,000 reindeers! So whilst we will no doubt all enjoy the festive occasion, how can we save a few pennies and reduce the amount of waste we throw away?

Let's begin with looking at the way we shop. You can save onplastic carrier bags by choosing to shop with re-useable bags.Re-useable bags are much stronger, so the chances of ourturkeys breaking free and ‘galloping off’ down the High Street will be greatly reduced as well. Of course, if you have internetaccess, shopping online may eliminate the need for bags andallow for a wider range of access to shops boasting fantastic eco-friendly gifts. There are some very unusual products availablewhich could be ideal for that 'hard to buy for' friend or familymember. Also, where possible, avoid buying presents which relyon disposable parts. Look for alternatives, such as a coffee makerthat uses a washable filter rather than throwaway paper ones, orrefillable printer cartridges.

Our children and all techno enthusiasts amongst us will no doubtbe eagerly awaiting this year's top toys and electronic gadgets.Most of these will require batteries. On average, we use 21 disposable batteries per household every year in Chelmsford andinstead of throwing your dead batteries away, why not take themto a battery recycling facility. Shops and online retailers must nowoffer facilities to recycle batteries if they sell more than 1 pack of 4batteries every day, so there are plenty of places to get rid ofthem.Or simply buy rechargeable batteries to save even moremoney.

A whopping 17,000 turkeys will be cooked in Chelmsford onChristmas Day and that's the equivalent to nearly 750 plumpSanta's falling down your chimney! We then have the potatoesand vegetables and all of the other trimmings on our plates too.This festive period contributes to £450 of food waste being thrownaway, per household, every year! So what can we do with all ofthe leftover food? Well, for starters, you can find some deliciousrecipes and cooking ideas at http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/.

We can also continue to home compost all of our vegetable peelings this winter and by next Christmas, you will have free,nutritional compost to help your garden bloom. Discounted compost bins can be purchased fromwww.essex.getcomposting.com or call 0845 130 6090.

Christmas just wouldn't be the same without a decorated tree andmany of us choose to buy 'real trees’ as part of the fun. As well asthe wonderful pine smell pervading the house, the big benefit of areal tree is that it can be used again next year. If the tree hasbeen potted with its roots intact, simply transfer it to a bigger potso the roots have room to grow and plant it in your garden. Realtrees can also be easily recycled. Chelmsford Borough Council'sParks Team are accepting Christmas trees on Sunday 2ndJanuary 2011 at Hylands Park between the hours of 10am - 3pm.(Please refer to www.chelmsford.gov.uk/parks in case of anychanges.) Alternatively, you can take them to your local RecyclingCentre for Household Waste.

In the lead up to Christmas, the Chelmsford Recycling Team willbe available for festive recycling advice, new paper and cardboard sacks, top tips and fantastic giveaways. You can visitus at the following locations:

High Chelmer Shopping Centre, Thursday 2nd December, 5.00pm - 8.00pm.Chelmsford Market, Tuesday 7th December, 10.00am - 4.00pm.ASDA (South Woodham Ferrers), Tuesday 14th December,10.00am - 4.00pm.Chelmsford High Street, Saturday 18th December, 9.00am - 5.00pmChelmsford Market, Tuesday 21st December, 10.00am - 4.00pm.

If you miss us, you can visit www.chelmsford.gov.uk/recycling, call01245 615800 or email [email protected] for theanswers to all of your reduce, reuse and recycling relatedenquiries.

Finally, the Recycling Team would like to say a big well done forall of your recycling efforts this year, and we wish you a veryMerry Christmas and a Happy New Year!


ViagraAn elderly man goes to the chemist to buy someViagra.“Please can you cut the tablets into quarters,”he says to the pharmacist.“Quarters?” queries the pharmy. “A quartertablet won’t give you a full erection, you know?”The old man said, “Sonny, I’m 96 years old andall I want it to do is stick out far enough so’s Idon’t piss on my slippers.”

Just Checked InMy missus has just checked into the hospitalwith two black eyes and a broken jaw. Seems Imisunderstood her when she said she wanteddecking on the patio.

Only in BangkokI visited a doctor's surgery whilst on holiday inBangkok recently, in order to get my testicleschecked out. Whilst the nurse was cupping my dangly bits,she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get anerection during this kind of examination."I replied, "But I haven't got an erection?"She said, "No, but I have."

Camping TripFour blokes had spent weeks planning the per-fect camping and fishing trip, but two daysbefore they were set to leave, Frank's wife puther foot down and told him he wasn't going. Well, both Frank and his mates were extremelyupset, but what could they do? Forty-eight later, the remaining three guysturned up at the camp site, only to find Franksitting there with a beer in hand, his tent up, andfour freshly caught fish cooking on the fire."Damn man,” said the guys, “how long have you

been here? And how the hell did you talk yourwife into letting you come?" "Well,” said Frank with a satisfied grin spreadright the way across his face, “I've been heresince yesterday. Y’see, last night, I was sitting inmy chair when my missus came up to me wear-ing a brand new see-through nightie she’d justbought. "She took me by the hand and led me to thebedroom where a dozen candles were glowingand told me to do whatever I wanted to her. “So I tied her to the bed, packed my gear andh’heyyyy boys, here the devil I am!”

Porn ChannelA vicar, checking himself into a hotel, asks thereceptionist, "Is the porn channel in my roomdisabled?" "No," she says with a look of pure disgustspreading right the way across her face, "it’s justregular porn, you filthy sick bastard."

WheelbarrowPaddy and his wife were discussing their sexlife. Paddy says, "I fancy trying that wheelbar-row position tonight." His wife says, "What’s that then?" Paddy tells her, "You bend over and put yourhands on the floor, then I pick your legs up andtake you from behind."His wife says, "Hmmm. OK then. Sounds differ-ent. I'll do it. But on two conditions. First, if ithurts, you must stop immediately.”Paddy nods his agreement. “And second,” says his wife, “we don't go pastmy mother's house."

CasinoWent to a casino last night. Stood next to a guyplaying Blackjack who kept having win after winafter win. I couldn't believe his luck. Then I sawhe was stood on what looked like a bit of bread. I asked him, "What's under your foot?" He said, "Shhhh! I'm on a roll."

Crushed PillsI hate crushing up pills and putting them into myAunt's dinner, Bobby thought to himself. But if Iever get her pregnant, I simply wouldn't be ableto live with myself....

Three Hillbillies Three hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin'the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: “My wife sure is stupid. Shejust bought an air conditioner.” 2nd Hillbilly says: “Why’s that stupid?”1st Hillbilly says: “We ain't got no 'lectricity!” 2nd Hillbilly says: “That's nottin'. My wife’s sostupid she bought one of them new fangledwashin’ machines.” 1st Hillbilly says: “Why’s that stupid?” 2nd Hillbilly says: “’Cause we ain't got noplumbin'!” 3rd Hillbilly says: “That ain't nottin'. My wife’sdumber than both o’yer wives put together. I

was goin’ through her purse the other day,lookin' for some change, when I found six con-doms.”1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: “What's so dumbabout that?” 3rd Hillbilly says: “She ain't got no dick.”

Sick HamsterA man takes his sick hamster to the vet whosays he has to put it down. But on the brightside, he informs the man that his dead pet canbe made into jam if boiled with a pound ofsugar. The man finds this a bit odd, but decidesto give it a try anyway. So he makes the jamand samples it, but it tastes so bad he throws itout of his kitchen window into his garden. Next morning, he truly cannot believe his eyeswhen he sees a bed of roses in full bloom,growing right out of the very spot where he'dthrown the jam. So he phoned the vet to tell himwhat had happened. The vet agrees that it is allvery strange, because, he says “You usually gettulips from Hamster Jam.”

New MovieSteven Spielberg is discussing his new filmwhich is about famous composers. Sly Stallone,Steven Segal, Bruce Willis and ArnoldSchwarzenegger are all present. To encouragethem to appear in the movie, Spielberg letsthem choose the composer they each want toplay. "Well," says Sly, "I've always admired Mozart,so I'd like to play him." "Chopin’s always been my favourite,” saysBruce, “so I'd like to play him.” "I've always been partial to Strauss and hiswaltzes," said Segal, "so I'd like to play him.”"Great," says Spielberg. "And how about you,Arnie?" Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."

Yorkshire HeadstoneAfter his wife died, a Yorkshireman decided on'Lord, she was thine' for her headstone. Butwhen he visited her grave, he noticed the stone-mason had mistakenly engraved 'Lord she wasthin.' So he ’phoned the mason in disgust andsaid, "You've left an 'E' off, you idiot!” Next time he visited his wife’s grave, the head-stone read: 'E, Lord she was thin'.

Grand PrixMichael Schumacher was well ahead of the fieldin his comeback Grand Prix when he was hit onthe head by a turkey and a string of sausages.But he managed to keep control of his car andmaintain his lead until the very last lap when hewas struck by a box of Christmas crackers anda dozen mince pies. Finally, he was passed byhis rival Mikka Hakkinen and, after finishing sec-ond, immediately went to the stewards to com-plain that he had been seriously hampered.

Quick Trip To The QuacksA man walks into a doctors surgery with a stickof celery protruding out of one ear, a tin of FrayBentos sticking out the other, and a sausagesticking out of his nose. He says to the doctor, "What's wrong with me?"The doctor replies: “I honestly don't think you'reeating properly."

Packet of CrispsA man orders a pint of beer in a pub and asksthe barmaid for a packet of helicopter flavouredcrisps. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," says the barmaid, "butwe've only got ’plane."

OONNLLYYJJOOKKIINNGG!!

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to [email protected]



Farleigh Hospice's third annual sponsored Santa Fun Run takes place in Central Parkon Sunday 5th December.Last year 1,416 people took part and between them raised almost £55,000. Thatmoney went a long way in funding the free care and support Farleigh provide to localpeople affected by life limiting illnesses over the past 12 months. The Chelmsford Santa Fun Run is a 4km route around Chelmsford's Central Parkand is ideal for all ages. With adults all dressed in full Santa regalia and children withtheir Santa hats (or own seasonal outfit if they prefer), these fun-runs are absolutelyguaranteed to get everyone in the festive spirit, whilst onlookers can also ‘do their bit’by supporting their local hospice with a very much needed donation on the day. David Overall, Operations Director from Amlin UK, explains why they are supportingFarleigh Hospice's Chelmsford Santa Fun Run: “We have worked closely withFarleigh Hospice as our partner charity since late 2008, raising in excess of £60,000so far. The charity does an amazing job, but needs an exceptional amount of moneyin order to continue their great work in providing an outstanding service to the com-munity. Consequently we are absolutely delighted to be the sponsor of this year'sChelmsford Santa Fun Run." At any one time, Farleigh Hospice provides vital care and support to around 1,100local people, totally free of charge. To fund this essential work they rely on the gen-erosity of the local community they serve to help, and that means generating £7,750every single day. Much of this money is raised via fundraising events, generous people making regular donations, donations left in Wills, money raised via FarleighCharity Shops and via their own Hospice Lottery. As the need for Farleigh’s servicescontinues to grow year-on-year, so ever greater support and donations are required.So please, readers, do what you can to support this most worthy of causes.

Seasons Greetings...

... from The Edge

Santa Fun Run in Central Park


As you look through the pages of mostproperty-related newspapers and magazines, you are likely to come acrossone survey or another that seeks toprove how various property improve-ments add a certain percentage to thevalue of a property.

There has recently been a markedincrease in the number of people under-taking improvements whose motivation isspecifically to increase the value of theirproperty prior to a sale. If you are consid-ering such improvements, you shouldapproach such surveys with caution.

For example, the public's response to arecent survey as to which home improve-ments were most likely to add valuewere at odds with the view of a panel ofproperty valuation experts and CharteredSurveyors. The public's view was that anew kitchen would add more value thaneither a loft conversion or an extension.Certainly, whilst a new kitchen might bethe most impressive of the three and

have the greatest initial impact, we wouldagree with the expert view that an exten-sion, closely followed by a loft conver-sion, would generally contribute more toa property's value than a kitchen.

This is because, unlike a kitchen, anextension of some description actuallyincreases the size and hence usability ofa property. This means that it is likely toappeal to more buyers and thereforegenerate a higher price for the home.This is especially true where the addi-tional space means that a property fallsinto the category of buyer above that inwhich it stood before it was extended.For example, a two-bedroom cottagesuddenly appeals to the family marketonce a third bedroom and second bathroom have been added.

There are numerous factors to considerwhen deciding how to enhance yourproperty's value and saleability. Pleasefeel free to call us if you would like to discuss your own plans with an expert.

The Edge 01245 348256

www.thehomepartnership.co.uk11 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1HL

Telephone: 01245 250222

Merrick Allen MNAEA - Director

The Estate Agent that works for

YOU!

"ASK AN EXPERT"

The Home Partnership in Chelmsford are proud to offer a uniquely converted former chapel for rent for the very first time since it's conversion.Inside there is an open-plan lounge/diner with fully integrated kitchen inc.oven, hob, extractor, washing machine/spin dryer, fridge/freezer....allbrand new and never before used. There is also a very useful ground floor cloakroom.On the first floor, the double bedroom galleries down into the lounge andhas a beautiful circular stained glass window to the side of the bed withstone arch surround, fitted wardrobe and en suite bathroom with chrome fittings.Outside the apartment is set behind a private gated entrance along withjust eight other properties on a plot which has a history dating back to1886.This converted apartment is being offered for rent at £750pcm, whilst thisdistinguished development will soon be featured on BBC1s Homes UnderThe Hammer. Non-smoker/no pets tenant required.

For further details contact Scott Mason on 01245 250222.

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‘GOLD! Always believe in your soul, you’ve gotthe power to know, you’re indestructible....’And this month, readers, it’s Budgie (or The Loseras it was originally going to be called), and oh,I’ve got such fond memories of this programmefrom way back in 1971-72. Adam Faith played the part of Ronald ‘Budgie’Bird, a chirpy cockney petty criminal fresh out ofthe slammer, with each episode pretty much cen-tring on some harebrained idea he’d have tomake money, usually illegally. Poor Budgie was continually the victim of circum-stance, or perhaps of the sharper, more experi-enced operators he tried to emulate. One of thesecharacters was suave, Machiavellian Glaswegiangangster (though based in London) CharlieEndell, played superbly by Iain Cuthbertson.Charlie was a respectable club owner on the surface, but an underworld villain beneath it, andhe would often employ Budgie’s services when-ever he was in need of a fall guy. Now that I come to think of it, Budgie was verymuch the Minder of the early seventies, eventhough Budgie’s role differed greatly from that ofTerry McCann (Dennis Waterman).

In all, there were two series of thirteen episodeseach, whilst a third was commissioned for 1973,but never materialised after lead star Faith suf-fered a serious car crash and, as a result,announced his retirement from acting.Some of the plots bordered on the ridiculous,including one where Budge ‘accidentally’ stole avan load of pornographic magazines from thepolice before realising he’d have to destroy theevidence. So he made a bonfire and set light tothe stash, only the wind ended up blowing manyof the pages over onto a field where there was aPrison Warders v Prisoners rugby match about totake place.Then there was another where Budgie tried tounload thousands of stolen ballpoint pens he’dunwisely procured from a fence, paying way overthe odds for them in the process, only to discoverthat they were all stamped with a ‘Her Majesty’sGovernment’ logo and were totally unsellable...unless he could find another sucker to move themon to.So series one ended with Budgie going backbehind bars, whilst series two began with himbeing newly released from an ‘open nick’...As a fairly easily impressed 10-year-old, I wassimply blown away by (don’t laugh) Faith’s hairand the clobber he wore as the character Budgie.In fact, I particularly remember a R.T.J. (righttrendy jacket) and a pair of leather wet-lookChelsea boots with a zip going up the inside and‘fake’ laces up the front which I just thought wasthe height of sexiness.Budgie was a vulnerable though and your heartsimply went out to him. Yes, he was a chancerand a scoundrel, but that only made you want toput your arm around him and ‘mother’ him.Yep, they don’t make ’em like Budgie any more.

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The Heart Attack Grill

Being a culinary connoisseur (or fatbastard if you want to be pedantic),I'm always on the lookout for newrestaurants. One of my favouriteways to while away an evening isto sit with some friends over agood dinner (obviously steakbased), drink a few bottles of wineand talk complete and utter bollocks.

Imagine my joy when a friend sentme a link to what's possibly one ofthe greatest restaurants in theworld: The Heart Attack Grill.Based (of course) in America, theheart attack grill is a restaurantafter any real man's heart, and anunrepentant two fingered salute atall you health Nazis out there.

The menu consists of burgers,fries, cola and unfiltered LuckyStrike cigarettes....and that's it. Likeall works of true genius, it's almostbreathtaking in its simplicity, andanywhere that offers a pack of fagson the menu obviously gets athumbs up from me. At the HeartAttack Grill, you're not a customer,you're a ‘patient’, and you orderyour ‘prescription’ from the menu ofdouble, triple or quadruple bypassburgers, with a side order of ‘flatlin-er fries’, all delivered to your tableby a girl in a Nurses outfit.

The fries are gaining fame (or noto-riety) all on their own, as they'redeep fried in lard, and the grillapparently goes through over 450pounds of the artery-clogging stuffin a single week. The grill wasstarted by Jon Basso, an ex-nutri-tionist of all things, who now goesby the name of ‘Dr. Jon’ and canbe found flipping burgers in a whitelab coat with a stethoscopewrapped around his neck.

In another stroke of (evil) genius, Dr. Jon markets his restaurant asoffering the ‘Heart Attack Diet’whilst the website shows himextolling its virtues, complete with asomewhat hasty voiceover thatwarns prospective patients of thepossible side effects, such as theloss of sexual partners, an inabilityto see your own penis, and a caseof ‘mild death’.

I just love the idea of this place, notonly because they sell gigantic

burgers and fagswith scantily cladnurses pushing youabout in wheelchairs,but because it's a jabat both sides of thedebate on obesityand good living. Ifyou're over 350pounds in weightand you take up thegrill's offer of eatingfor free, you're acomplete idiot.However, if you'reone of these dusteating vegan typeswho get themselves all up in armsabout the whole Heart Attack Grill'sethos, then you're just as big anidiot for missing the obvious joke.

The very weekend after I’d readabout the Heart Attack Grill, Idecided to craft my very own‘Quadruple Bypass Burger’, both tosee if I could make it, and to see ifI could stomach it. It was, if I sayso myself, an outstanding triumph.Standing almost foot high, myburger consisted of: 4 quarterpounders, 2 chicken fillets, 8 rash-ers of bacon, 8 mushrooms, 2 beeftomatoes, 1 onion, 8 slices ofcheese.

Scooby-Doo would honestly haveshit himself if he'd seen it, it wasthat big.

Vegetarians started dropping downdead, just from walking past myhouse, and such was the aura ofmanliness exuded by its lardyglory, my already huge ballsincreased an extra couple of inch-es in diameter whilst I was cookingit. What’s more, I did manage tofinish the whole portion after about4 hours (which included numerousfag breaks and a quick walkaround Central Park to stop myarteries clogging up) and I have toadmit that I was quite proud ofsuch an achievement.

I can't honestly say I'd eat oneevery day, but if someone opensup a Heart Attack Grill in the UK,you can bet I'll be one of the firstthrough their (probably very wide)doors.

Shopaholics

Well, it's the December issue andI'm sure a lot of you will be spend-ing the next few weekends scurry-ing around the shops, spendingyour hard earned money on stuffthat people don't really want any-way, and then wondering why youbothered when you're flat brokeand miserable in January.

Seeing as you'll be pissing yourcash away, arguing with your otherhalves, shouting at unruly childrenand kicking dithering pensioners

out of your way inthe shops, I thoughtI'd show a bit of trueChristmas spirit andtry and add to someof the stress bytelling you about afew tricks the shopsuse to make you partwith even more ofyour cash.

If you're like me, youmight often wonderwhy things are pricedat, say, £4.99 ratherthan plain old £5. I've

always thought that adding thatextra 1p would work out at theshop in question making a largerprofit over the course of the year,and, like an idiot, I used to chuckleto myself at their foolishness.

As it turns out, there's a very goodreason for them doing it, and that'sbecause human beings suck atmaths. From an evolutionary stand-point, this isn't surprising. Complexmathematical systems have onlyreally been around for 4,000 yearsor so, and as such, our little mon-key brains aren't even equipped todeal with them yet.

Quick, how much would 8 cans ofbeer at £2 a can be? That waseasy enough, right? Now howmuch would 8 cans of beer at£1.99 be? I'll bet a fair number ofyou had to stop and think aboutthat, if not break out a pen andpaper to work it out! By taking that1p away from the total cost, theshops make it much harder for youto keep track of just how muchyou're spending.

Studies have shown that budgetconscious shoppers who try andkeep a running tally of how muchthey're spending on a trip to theshops almost invariably get itwrong, with an average 20% markup in the shops favour. Strangely,the people who just got on with ittended to end up spending lessthan their more budget consciousbrethren.

There's also a psychological aspectto it too. If your brain sees £299, itautomatically puts that product inthe £200 range, rather than its realprice of £300. Some studies sug-gest that it's down to us readingthings from left to right, so ourbrains assign the most importanceto that first number, regardless of

what comes after it.

Have you ever paid attention to thepath you take walking around ashop? If you haven't, the storescertainly have. They've spent yearsstudying our movement patternsand discovered that we're as easyto predict as animal migration patterns.

Stores are carefully laid out toallow us to plod along aroundthese subconscious pathways, sothat the stuff you actually need isbehind shelves of all the shit thatends up in your basket before youget to it. The store being brightly litand with music playing is also acarefully selected plan of attack onyour wallet.

It's been proven that the brightlights and music hinder our abilityto think clearly, making it that littlebit harder to make a rational deci-sion when faced with the opportu-nity of buying something shiny anduseless for £200. Even thingsbeing shiny is another spoke in thenefarious wheel of commerce.

Human beings like shiny things, it'sas simple as that. In our minds:shiny = better. We're little differentfrom Jackdaws and Magpies in thatrespect. Studies have shown thatpeople subconsciously believe theircars run better when they're freshlywaxed and gleaming, such is thepower of ‘the shine’, and it's alsobeen proven that pedestrians auto-matically slow down when theypass a gleaming, shiny shop front.

We can't help it, we just do it, anddiscovering and tapping into theseautonomic responses is basically alicense to print money. Of course,when Christmas is over, it'll be theJanuary Sales, and I'm sure someof you bovine idiots will be queuingup at the crack of dawn outside theshops in the freezing cold.

Just ask yourself what you're actu-ally buying? Is it something rareand valuable that the shop is sell-ing for that one day only? Or is itjust the exact same shit you couldhave bought there yesterday, but ata slightly lower cost?

Ask yourself, if the hours of queu-ing in the dark and the cold, not tomention the inevitable undignifiedstampede through the shop doors,is really worth it?

And if you answer "yes", thenplease ask yourself: "Am I anidiot?"

Merry Christmas to one and all.

writes Kingpin


THIS MONTH I HAVEMAINLY BEEN...

I can't decide which one I’d liketo eat first…

You, the consumer...

Police trying to control unrulyChelmsford Christmas shoppers

Kingpin


The Edge 01245 348256

Jan Attrell of Zagger takes daughterMaisy to visit...

Date: 25/10/10 (half-term) Venue: LegolandMission: To get on as many rides as possible without bricking it!!!

Picture the scene: it's a Sunday morning (a fortnight prior to half-term) andyour daughter is making you feel hellishly guilty for going off to watch thefootie. So, as any rational dad would do in a moment of sheer and utterpanic, you immediately say something to put a smile on their dear little face, just so that you don't feel so bad. I chose, "Maisy, if you stop sulk-ing, during half-term week we’ll take you to Legoland." Bang! You’re immediately the best dad in the world again! So, after the fortnight was up, it was: "Mum? Dad? When are we going toLegoland? Is it tomorrow?" Eventually the big day arrived.First obstacle: to get through the car journey without hearing ‘are we thereyet?’ too many times over (would have been easier if a certain ‘Butt Head’hadn't forgotten to charge up the portable DVD player so said daughtercould watch Barbie Saves The World.......for the 1,000th time).After Mrs Pieckielon-Attrell had been driving (for those of you who eitherdon’t know or don’t remember, 10 tests sat, yet still I haven't passed) for twohours with only the one wee-wee break (well done, Maisy), we arrived, onlyto be confronted by the first big queue of the day....the queue to get in! So was our Lego adventure over before it had begun? No! Why? BecauseMrs P-A had already purchased season tickets by trading in some Tescovouchers, that’s why (well, every little helps). So now it was Maisy's turn to be in charge and choose where we headedfirst. Would it be the Pirate Ship, the Log Flume, or a Train Ride? Answer: none of them. Instead, Maisy wanted to go on things that you hadto pay extra for. Wow! Why do kids do that? After five minutes of trying toexplain to our 4 year old that we were there to do things that we had alreadypaid for, and not pay an extra fiver to throw soft balls at tin cans to win a bigmeerkat, things fortunately got a little simpler.First up was the Pirate Ship. Now I'm not a great one for fast or high rides,so this is where the good lady wife stepped in, thank goodness. Next upwas The Temple of Doom (a laser-gun-type-thing ride) which was definitelymore my cup of tea because it's slow, it stays on the ground, and you get tofire lasers at targets as you go round. Six months ago, on our last visit, thewife managed to beat my score, so I was really looking forward to avengingthat ultra-strange outcome, and you know what? I bloody well beat her, andthat was after listening to her for an hour in the queue boasting about howshe was gonna turn me over yet again.Then it was Chilli Doritos time before going over to the Speed Boats whereme and me daughter had got drenched last time around, so this time it wasthe wife’s turn to get soaked, quickly followed by the Log Flume, which wasalways my favourite ride as a kid. I just loved the slow build up and hugesplash finish....or was it the chance to pose for the camera that flashes justat the moment you get soaked? With time swiftly ticking by, we just had chance to visit Miniature City andDriving School - could I at last pass my test? No. Thwarted yet again as youhad to be aged 6-12 to take part. Bugger!And that was it - until our next visit. Only next time we’ll do what we did thefirst time we went there and stay at a hotel so’s we can get a good few daysin and test out all of the rides (well, apart from the high and the fast ones,that is).


Very NobleHave you ever been to Sweden? It's notone of those countries on any of theusual tourist trails, so it's probable thatthe majority of answers will be in thenegative. But there's more to it than thefact that you've never been there. It's asort of second division Belgium in thatyou won't be able to recall much that theSwedes are famous for. Ikea. BjornBorg. Saab. Socialism that almost works.Pickled herrings. And that's about it, real-ly. Oh, except for Ingmar Bergmannfilms, but who wants to remember those.

That's not to say we ought to decrySweden - it's probably a fine place andno doubt its citizens are good upstandingmembers of the world community. It'sjust that the image is a tad dull. Thisextends to the world famous awards theyhand out each year - the Nobel prizes.All very worthy, of course (apart from theBlair/Bush peace prize nomination -someone must have been on some seri-ously polluted herrings to conceive ofthat one), but as we noted before, justnot much to get excited about. The win-ners, by and large, are highly deservingof their awards, but they are not usuallyhousehold names.

Well, an organisation exists that offersan alternative to the Nobel prizes. Andit's not there to take the piss, like theRazzies do as an antidote to the Oscars.No, it's genuine and serious, and doestry to honour people that do scientificresearch and the like. It's just that theaim is slightly lower, and very definitelyfocused on those that study the unusual,if not downright bizarre.

The organisation takes great pride inhanding out the Ig Nobel awards. A clev-erly named and deliberately mis-speltpun on the Nobel prizes. They happenevery year in Massachusetts and thestated aim is to honour research that firstof all makes you laugh, but then forcesyou to think.

To illustrate the sort of people that cantake home an Ig Nobel to put in pride ofplace on the mantelpiece, or toilet cometo that, let's take a look at some of thosethat have been honoured in recent times.And just to make it absolutely clear, allthe research quoted here is 100% gen-uine - Google it yourself, if you like.

Firstly, the 2010 Ig Nobel Award forEngineering goes to an Anglo/Mexicanteam that has perfected a way to capturewhale snot with a remote controlled heli-copter. Why? Is the most obviousresponse to such a citation, and theanswer lies in the snappily titled scientificpaper the team published - ‘A novel non-invasive tool for disease surveillance offree ranging whales and its relevance toconservation programmes’. Phew. Youcan't say it's not deserving of a prize,just for the idea, let alone being able toexecute it.

The Physics prize went to a group of stu-dents at the University of Otago in NewZealand who spent a whole year provingbeyond reasonable doubt that peopleslip less on icy paths if they wear socksoutside their shoes instead of inside.Again, it's the very thought that amazes.

The Ig Nobel gong for Management wentto a bunch of clever Italians who did aproper study, and proved, mathematical-ly no less, that organisations performbetter if people are promoted randomlyinstead of on any supposed merit.

The Biology prize went to someone whoobserved and documented fellatioamong fruit bats. We'll say no more onthat one.

Here's an absolute belter. The Ig NobelPeace prize went to some Swiss peoplein Bern who finally resolved that problemyou've been losing sleep over for the lastfew years. Is it better to be hit over thehead with a full bottle of beer or anempty one? The answer is 'full' becauseit takes less of an impact to smash a fullbottle, apparently. But that seems almostirrelevant as empty bottles hurt too. Thepublished paper was called ‘Are full orempty beer bottles sturdier and doestheir fracture threshold suffice to breakthe human skull?’ If you read the paper,you'll find that the answer was obtainedby experimentation. It's probable,although it doesn't state so in black andwhite, that the guinea pigs in that littletrial had been paid rather more thanusual.

In the previous year the Physics prizehad gone to a dream team of scientistspulled together from no less than threeAmerican universities. Their task was tostudy why pregnant women don't tipover. And yes, of course, a scientificpaper was produced explaining it all.

We'll stop there - you get the drift. Youcan have hours of fun for all the familylooking at the detail of all this (dependingon your idea of fun, of course), but it'shard not to be struck with admiration forthe people who diligently pursue theseinvestigations on our behalf, with littlechance of financial reward for theirefforts. The best they can hope for isrecognition from their peers for theexcellence of the work they've done.

And maybe a bucket of whale snot.

FIFTY...NOT OUT

by Steve Ward

[email protected]

FIFTY...NOT OUT

by Steve Ward

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Hi Shaun, Well, there's really no hiding from you chaps at the Edge, is there? I pop out for a quiet pint and thenext thing I know, my lovely Iris has her photograph taken and appears in your publication!Want to know a little bit about her? Well, she is without doubt the smallest car BMW will ever make and is generally known as a ‘BubbleCar’. Over the years there have been many different types, but Iris is a BMW Isetta 300. She hasthree wheels and was fitted with reverse from the factory. Built in Brighton, she was sold byShrubbery Garages in Weston-Super-Mare on 8th June 1961 to Mr E. J. Stilling for £369 and 15shillings. Mr Stilling lived on Guildford Road, Farnborough, Hampshire, and after one year of owner-ship, he sold her to Mrs Iris Cannon, who at the time was my soon to be ex-wife’s godmother. Irisused the car in and around Ash, then Liphook in Surrey, as her daily runabout until 2nd October 1993,when I was lucky enough to buy her for £1000. Sadly, Mrs Cannon passed away, hence I now refer tomy car as Iris (bless). I have all the receipts and a lot of relevant information regarding her (the car), but nothing can compare with actually driving her. As you can see, even Casper enjoys a ride in her too (down boy). Eagle-eyed Edge readers may have seen us in and around Chelmsford, normally parked up at eitherThe Two Brewers, The Fox and Raven, or sometimes outside The Crown in Sandon.However, Iris’s latest ‘official duty’ was at the grand opening of my lovely lady’s new shop MemoryLane in Shires Passage (down by the side of Jessops, just off the High Street).

Regards, Stephen Beal.

Well, that was a most un-Jeremy Clarkson like motoring review, sir.Pray, what about top speed (The Edge is guessing 50mph, at a push, downhill)?Fuel economy (surely 100mpg)?Cornering ability (or lack of it)?And why have you not considered having wider tyres fitted and some ‘go faster stripes’?Mind you, the number plate alone must be worth more than what you paid for ‘her’? (Why arecars ‘she’ as opposed to ‘he’? Surely with an EXHAUST PIPE they should be a ‘he’?)No road tax to pay either, eh, Steve. Yet I still have to pay for the privilege of you holding meup, so really, what’s all that about? Have you never thought of upgrading to, say, a Smart Car, or something more modern? (The Edge is assuming you have to fire ‘Iris’ up with a starting-handle during these cold winter months, yes?)Do any other Edge readers out there own cars that they have clearly ‘fallen in love’ with?If so, let’s be hearing from you. [email protected]

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WHAT A CHEAPS-KATE

The Royal Family are like Marmite - youeither love them or hate them. I have tosay I like them. I'd rather have our Queenthan President Blair and the First LadyCherie any day. But it would be nice if ourQueen smiled a bit every now and then.Don't you just wish she’d do somethingstupid to show us she’s human every oncein a while? I mean, what has she got to bemiserable about? She's the richest womanin the world, has more palaces than sheknows what to do with, and has a lady-in-waiting to hand-wash her undies themoment she steps out of them. Next timeyou start moaning about your job, spare athought for that poor soul!

I have to confess I am rather excited bythe Royal wedding of Katie and William. Ispent all day in front of the TV watchingSky News when it was announced, for themost part with a camera trained on a sin-gle conifer tree outside Miss Middleton'smother's front drive, waiting for somethingto happen. Never in the history of televi-sion have 12 million viewers sat mes-merised by a conifer tree before, I’ll bet.

You’ve got to hand it to Wills for his gallthough. I mean, how many men could pulloff such a cunning stunt as to give theirfuture wife their dead mother's ‘controver-sial’ engagement ring? (Remember, thiswas the ring Camilla helped Charleschoose for Diana.)

I know there is a recession going on, butthe ring, lovely as it may be, didn't bringthe last wearer much luck, did it? I havebeen reliably informed by a ‘History expert’aka Royal memorabilia collector Doris thebarmaid in my local pub, if you must know,that Diana's ring is actually based on thering that Henry VIII gave Anne Boleyn.Well, we all know how that one ended,don’t we? And isn’t bad luck always sup-posed to run in threes?

I’m not saying Katie is going to come acropper, but come on, give the poor girl achance. Surely it’s hard enough having theQueen for an in-law without a cursed ringon her finger? But hey-ho, every cloud hasa silver lining. The MD of QVC was seenout later that day drinking champagne andsaying, “S’trewth, I thought we'd never sellthose Dimonique (French for ‘shite’) copiesleft over from last time. What a result!”

Staying with the theme of penny pinching,the wedding is apparently going to be a cutprice affair and Katie's mother, who runsan on-line party shop, is said to have been

stocking up on balloons and table decora-tions for ages in anticipation.

Meanwhile, the happy couple have men-tioned they want a down-to-earth doo inkeeping with Katie's commoner roots. Well,I for one can't wait to see the Queen doingthe Hokey Cokey and Camilla the Birdiesong. Russell Brand and Jonathan Rosshave also volunteered to do the speechesand read out the telegrams.

But it was Simon Cowell who was first onthe scene to congratulate the lucky pair.David Cameron was put on hold whilstKatie and Wills squealed down the blowerto Simon - such is the power he nowholds. Entertainment, he told the lucky pair,needn’t cost a packet. So he’s offeredthem some X-Factor contestants free ofcharge. Simon said Elton did a wonderfuljob at Diana's funeral, so why shouldn'tWagner and Mary do the same for Katieand Wills. No-one liked to point out thatElton was a proper pop star. Wagner has,however, offered to do a rendition ofElton's song ‘Saturday Night’s Alright ForFighting’ to keep in touch with the currentmood of the British people today.

There has even been talk of getting theQueen's old wedding dress out of thearchives and having it remade for Katie towear under the guise of Vintage. However,Prince Phillip came a proper cropper andhad to own up to yet another major gaffe. Itis reckoned he saw an advert for ‘Cash ForGold’ on TV a few weeks back, so nippeddown to the vaults of Buck Palace andgathered up all of the sovereigns he couldfind before posting them off and putting theproceeds on a 9/1 outsider that fell at thefirst hurdle. Apparently Phil took the viewthat Katie and Wills had been so on-and-off over the past 9 years that he'd probablybe dead by the time the empty vaults were discovered. So now there isn’t evenenough Welsh gold left to make the tradi-tional Royal Wedding rings. HoweverKatie, eager not to get on the wrong sideof PP, and on account that she's sick todeath of being called ‘Waitey Katie’,offered to nip down to Argos and purchasea couple of ‘gold coloured rings’ instead.

Personally, I have already decided that Ilike Katie. She has a mischievous lookabout her and I can't wait for her to beQueen. I have a sneaky suspicion thatonce that ring is on her finger, she's goingto be a right little minx and run ringsaround the Royal family and liven thingsup!

HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?

Apparently, the latest trend is not keepingup with Jones’, but keeping down withthem. A recent poll in Essex showed sur-prising results. Rather than competing withfriends and neighbours to have the mostlavish lifestyle, families are said to beclimbing the social ladder by boastingabout how poor they are with hot topics ofconversation centring around ways tosave money with each family trying tooutdo the other. Apparently more people inEssex have given up their Sky TV dishesand switched to Freeview than anywhereelse in the country.

Happy Christmas everyone. Have a jollygood one. Oh yeah, and have a ridiculous-ly prosperous New Year too!

[email protected] 30

Totally Tracie


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The Edge Magazine December 2010

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Transcript of The Edge Magazine December 2010