THE DISTORTED IMAGES OF FATHERHOOD

AND HOW THEY AFFECT OUR PAST, PRESENT

AND FUTURE.

2015

Fathers play a vital role in

our lives and set the stage

for how all our future relationships

will be.

INTRODUCTION

The presence of a father’s love is vital in boosting children's sense

of well being.

The way father’s play with their children has an important impact on a child’s emotional and social development.

Children with involved fathers show better educational outcomes.

A positive male role model helps boys develop positive characteristics.

Adolescent girls form positive opinions of men when fathered by an involved and nurturing father.

WHERE CAN THIS ALL GO WRONG?

HOW CAN WE EXPLAIN THIS?

Attachment theory is focused on relationships

and bonds between people, particularly on those between

parent and child and explains how these early

relationships emerge and influence a child's

subsequent development.

HARSHCRUEL

ABUSIVE*UNRELIABLE

*DISTANT*UNPREDICTABLE

SOME DIFFERENT TYPES OF DISTORTED FATHER IMAGES

Angry father: Constantly shouting. Punitive or overly strict father:

Controls and rules. Demanding father: Impossible

expectations. Overcritical and demeaning:

Blames and accuses.

THE HARSH FATHER

Sarcastic and mocking father: Is critical and puts the child down verbally.

Unaccepting father: Unaccepting in every way of the child’s wants, needs, dreams and aspirations.

THE CRUEL FATHER

Abusive father: This can include fathers who verbally, emotionally, psychologically or physically abuse their children.

Punishing father: Punishes the child in inappropriate and unwarranted ways.

THE ABUSIVE FATHER

This father is untrustworthy and never or rarely carries out his promises or abides by what he has agreed with the child.

THE UNRELIABLE FATHER

Absent father: May work away from home and rarely gets to see his children.

Distant father: Is uninvolved and unengaged.

Unfulfilled or unhappy fathers: Regrets of their own.

Narcissistic father: Has no interest or regard for the child’s needs .

THE DISTANT FATHER

This type of father is inconsistent and erratic.

He can be nice at times but with no warning can be abusive,

distant or dismissive.

THE UNPREDICTABLE FATHER

There are many aspects and variations to these ‘distorted

father images’ and there could be many, or just a few

characteristics that we may, in some way be able to relate to.

WHAT CAN WE RELATE TO?

The attachment style / emotional bond / relational style we would have formed and developed with

our fathers would have been insecure.

This could have a direct influence on how we, as children, formed our

early relationship with God the Father.

THE INFLUENCE ON OUR PAST

This child cannot depend on their father to be there for them in times

of need & cannot rely on their needs being met. This results in

the child feeling anxious, unsure of themselves and unsure and

untrusting of their significant others.

AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT

They subconsciously believe that their needs won’t be met. The

child shows as being distant and at times ‘neglectful’. These children frequently learn that they will be punished if they turn to seek help from their fathers in times of need

and so they avoid their father.

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

This child hasn’t learnt how to develop trust that their needs

will be met and they are prone to becoming compulsively self-

reliant and emotionally restrained.

~ Avoidant Insecure ~

These children exhibit extreme distress when their father is absent, and will cling, almost obsessively, when he returns. This child has learnt to hyper

display their emotions in order to have their needs fulfilled.

~ Anxious Insecure ~

This child is severely confused and has no strategy to have their needs met.

Their behaviour is inconsistent with any of the above and their behaviour

follows no regular pattern. Disorganized attachment in children is thought to

have been caused by inconsistencies in parenting style combined with abuse

and neglect and is not maternally based.

DISORGANISED ATTACHMENT

This child’s actions appear contradictory, ‘disorientated’ or

‘dazed’ and on occasion, they can display a ‘trance’ like expression. This pattern of attachment takes

place when the attachment figure, in this case the father, is experienced

as both a safe haven and yet also as a source of danger.

~ Disorganised / Disorientated Attachment ~

Paternal absence has various negative effects on children such as lower levels

of school achievement, heightened risk-taking behaviours and higher levels

of aggression in boys.

Girls with absent fathers are more likely to develop depression.

NO ATTACHMENT / ABSENT FATHER

These children have improved developmental outcomes,

improved social abilities with their peers and fewer behavioural

problems. The paternal effects on developing a greater level of emotional self-

regulation are especially significant.

SECURE ATTACHMENT “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord….”

Pslam 126 (127):3

Insecure attachment results in unhelpful and negative thinking

patterns: They will see themselves as:

Unworthy - Guilty - Responsible – Invalid – Unwanted.

They will see their father as: Threatening - Anxiety provoking - Unsafe.

They will view the world as being: Dangerous – Painful.

SENSE OF SELF “Fathers do not provoke your children (to anger) lest they might become discouraged”

Colossians 3:21

Secure attachment results in helpful and positive thinking patterns:

They will see themselves as: Worthy - Valued - Cared for.

They will see their father as: Dependable - Safe – Connected – Nurturing.

They will view the world as being: Safe – Hopeful.

SENSE OF SELF “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old,

he will not depart from it” Proverbs 22:6

The attachment style we formed as children with our fathers, has

an effect on our present relational style, on our daily lives

and on our interpersonal relations.

THE INFLUENCE ON OUR PRESENT

The way we relate to our God the Father is usually influenced by our relationship with our own earthly father.

As result of early negative influences, we ourselves may not be able to attach to others or to God in a secure way.

HOW COULD THIS EFFECT HOW WE RELATE TO GOD THE FATHER?

The relational styles we formed in childhood with our fathers,

could result in one of the following four major

attachment types in adulthood.

THE ATTACHMENTS WE FORMED IN CHILDHOOD AFFECT OUR

PRESENT

Ambivalent Attachment in childhood = Pre-occupied Attachment in adult Life:

Can be perceived as being preoccupied with the past.

Frequently demonstrate their fear of abandonment.

More susceptible to peer pressure because of their desire for closeness.

PRE-OCCUPIED ATTACHMENT

Avoidant Attachment in childhood = Avoidant Dismissing Attachment in adult

Life:

Can be dismissive of adult attachment relationships.

Prone to being emotionally distant. Have learned to adopt a defensive

stance.

AVOIDANT DISMISSING ATTACHMENT

Disorganised Attachment in childhood = Unresolved Disorganised Attachment in

adult Life:

Can show a lapse of monitoring when discussing past relationships.

In severe cases, individuals with this pattern report Dissociative difficulties.

UNRESOLVED DISORGANISED ATTACHMENT

The resulting low self-esteem will have a negative impact on our lives and

depression and anxiety are amongst the most common disorders during

adolescence.

Insecure attachment also leads to depressive symptoms in adulthood (often

caused by low self-worth and low self-esteem).

POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES

Secure Attachment in childhood = Autonomous Attachment in adult Life :

Values attachment to others and has the ability to remain objective about close relationships.

Individuals with this pattern of attachment report that they frequently enjoy rewarding emotional connections with others.

SECURE ATTACHMENT

Helps adolescent boys develop

positive gender-role

characteristics.

Girls are more likely to

form positive opinions of men.

IMPORTANCE OF FATHERS AS A MALE ROLE MODEL

Negative ‘messages’ = negative core-beliefs.

We can believe ourselves to be defective.

We subconsciously replay these ‘messages’ in adulthood.

The resulting problems will be maintained by our dysfunctional beliefs.

HOW THIS AFFECTS OUR FUTURE

“Falsehood – and only falsehood – separates us from God – false

thoughts, false words, false feelings, false desires – Behold the aggregate

of lies that leads us to non-being, illusion, and rejection of God”

(St Nicholas of Serbia: Thoughts on good and evil.)

HOW THIS AFFECTS OUR FUTURE IF

WE DON’T ADDRESS THESE ISSUES

Uncared for ~ Unwanted ~ Unloved ~ No-value ~ Angry ~ Depressed ~

Invalid ~ Anxious ~ Doubtful ~ Fearful ~ Guilty ~ Ashamed ~

Insecure ~ Low self-esteem ~ Low self-image.

These feelings have long lasting effects and unless we take action to change and challenge these, they will influence the way in which we

live the rest of our lives.

NEGATIVE EFFECTS

The failure to experience affection and praise from a father can result in lifelong sadness, anger, lack of confidence, anxiety or mistrust.

Can leave individuals vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships.

Attachment problems are handed down trans-generationally.

UNRESOLVED PATERNAL ATTACHMENT ISSUES

Every man has subconsciously modelled himself after his father. Unresolved anger with a father increases the likelihood of repeating his weaknesses but not his strengths. Men need to become ‘father the nurturer’ rather than just ‘father the provider’.

When a father is absent from his daughter’s life in childhood, it may seriously affect her ability to form a strong bond with not only him, but also with other men who come into her life. She may find it difficult to open up to them, for fear that she will be abandoned or disappointed again.

EFFECT ON MEN AND WOMEN

Unresolved issues with one’s father could lead to resentment, un-forgiveness, bitterness and

anger which could cause us to dishonour our fathers.

“One cannot remain a prisoner of the past; individuals need a "healing of

memories", so that past evils will not come back again. This does not mean forgetting past events; it means re-

examining them with a new attitude and learning precisely from the experience of

suffering…..” (Pope John Paul II)

EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL EFFECTS

Research shows a link between a stressful childhood and adult ill health.

Negative early life experiences could result in us developing certain emotional responses that can be triggered when we are relating to others, in this case, to men.

The negative self-perception of worthlessness begins the loop of negative self-talk and results in a negative behavioural response.

CONSEQUENCES OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM

‘Messages’ received in childhood become the blueprint for the rest of our lives.

If we believe: I am a mistake/I am unworthy this will lead to…Dysfunctional thinking: No-one could love me as I am, I need something from outside to affirm me, to ‘make me feel better’ Behavioural consequences: Workaholic, addictions, unhealthy dependencies & a need to please others. Worth is measured by ‘what we do’ - on the outside and not by ‘who we are’ (in Christ) - on the insideThis will result in: Burn out. Isolation. Behaviour will not meet need .

This all reinforces our dysfunctional thinking.

“You have made us for Yourself, Oh Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You”

St Augustine (Confessions)

an however be achieved through cognitive change

We are volitional and therefore able to make conscious decisions.

God has given us free will and with His help, we are capable of change.

“As it is impossible to verbally describe the sweetness of honey to one who has never tasted honey, so

the goodness of God cannot be clearly communicated by way of teaching if we ourselves are

not able to penetrate into the goodness of the Lord by our own

experience”.

(St Basil the Great, Conversations on the Psalms, 29)

IN CONCLUSION

“An Unaccepting Father: The Cruel Words of Winston

Churchill’s Father.”

Excerpt from:Parenting At Its Best: How to Raise Children with a Passion for Life by Fred A. Hartley III.

If we look back on our own childhoods and on those of our peers, are there any

of these characteristics that we can relate to and if we do, what does this

evoke for us? What was the influence of these fathers on the way in which their

children viewed God the Father?

~ THE END ~

Jane Bronwyn Holderwww.jbhcounselling.com