The Depot – spoof

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  • 7/30/2019 The Depot spoof

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    Pay for your education: smoke and drinkPremier Wallsbudget meant to makerowdy teens pay forowneducation

    Thursdays provincial budget has placed

    the burden squarely on adolescents to start

    paying for their post-secondary education

    years in advance by raising taxes on both

    tobacco and liquor products across the

    province.

    As it is well known, morally-

    bankrupt teens party every weekend,

    smoking cigarettes and drinking all man-

    ner of alcohol, and the new tax on these

    products will

    I think the budget is pretty clearly saying

    to teens, look, youre partying away the

    money you should be saving for your edu-

    cation, so the government is going to take

    a little more of that and reinvest it in post-

    secondary educationsaid University ofRegina President Vianne Timmons. And

    its not just those hooligans in high

    school; its the second, third, or fourth

    year students that frequent the Owl every

    day of the week. Hell, Keg-o-rama basi-

    cally financed a new TA for the English

    department by itself.

    Premier Brad Wall said that the

    increase in sin taxes is in typical Sask.

    Party fashion innovative, forward think-

    ing, and unquestionably right.

    I mean, lets face facts, said

    Premier Wall in the post-budget scrum,

    Kids smoke and drink, or at least the cool

    ones do. We just want to increase the tax

    on those rowdy teens so that they will,

    with every cigarette and every mickey, be

    investing a little bit in their future. Our

    only regret is we could find a way to shoe-

    horn P3 funding into post-secondary edu-

    cation, but maybe next year.

    Students who will be affected by

    the increase in the tax have for the most

    part understood the government move.

    For tenth grader Stephen Krum, the mes-

    sage has never been clearer.

    I really wasnt that interested in

    smoking or drinking, but if I want to do

    my part in balancing the provincial budget

    and being able to keep universities operat-

    ing, I have to take up smoking. And the

    occasional Canadian is going to have to

    get a lot more frequent.

    I just really want to go to university in a

    few years, and apparently this is the only

    conceivable way that funding for them

    might ever be possible.

    Marvin Power/Metro News

    Seen above is Premier Brad Wall fulfilling his necessitities for getting his own education.Enrico Falafel/Metro News

    Legal Disclaimer:In case for whatever sad rea-son, its not ridiculously obvi-ous, depot is a work of satire.Anyone who wants to sue uscan advise our lawyer, John

    Smith. Hes a work of satiretoo, by the way.

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    Escalator stuck midwaythrough trip causes terrifying

    situation54 passengers on board anescalator traveling from thefirst floor to the secondfloor of the Cornwall Centrefaced grueling circum-stances when their escala-tor stopped workingmidway through the trip.

    Passengers were stuck for more

    than 13 hours as the Cornwall

    repair crew tried to fix the prob-

    lem.

    We dont really know

    whats going on. This is the first

    time something like this has

    happened to us, and we apolo-

    gize for the inconvenience and

    time delay that this has caused

    our customers, said Cornwall

    executive director Wendy Troy.

    The Cornwall Center

    has two escalators transporting

    passengers between both floors

    of the mall. The center also has a

    staircase that customers can

    manually climb to reach the sec-

    ond floor.

    I usually take the

    stairs, but today, I thought Iwould change my mode of trans-

    portation, Laila Hood said.

    Now Im stuck here, and Ive

    missed my dentist appointment

    and my sons soccer game. This

    is really frustrating.

    Beyond just missing

    important appointments, passen-

    gers also described the event as

    truly horrific.

    Its a simple journey

    thats turned into such a cruel

    and unusual punishment, Roger

    Benny said.

    Terry Wood agrees.

    For the first time in

    my life, I know what its like tobe in a hostage situation. Its

    scary. You are just stuck waiting,

    not knowing whats going to

    happen, he said.

    Cornwalls repair crew

    was able to fix the problem an

    overheated motor and passen-

    gers were gifted with shopping

    cards for their troubles.

    by the numbers

    2number of people startled annu-ally by unpredictable but scary es-

    calatorsTubular Cateefa/Metro News

    being stuck on an escalator can give people a sense of goingnowhere.

    Stop your bitchingScantronEssay prototype toreplace sessional instructors

    Backlash against cuts to the

    English department about the

    loss of many sessional and TA

    instructors has caused the uni-

    versity administration to reverse

    its decision. Were pleased to

    announce our new innovativeway of delivering supplementary

    instruction in the form of a pub-

    lic-private partnership with

    Scantron, president Vianne

    Timmons announced on

    Monday.

    Weve found Scantron

    to be very effective in helping

    with the marking of exams in

    Business and Engineering, but I

    thought, why do we have to

    limit the efficiencies of Scantron

    to those faculties? Provost Tom

    Chase added.

    Come fall, professors

    teaching English 100 will be

    aided by the new ScantronEssay

    proto-type. It works in the same

    way Scantrons multiple-choice

    tests work, where a test is fed

    through a machine and a score

    determined by a computer.

    However, some people

    are stuck in the past and unwill-ing to embrace innovation.

    Are you fucking kid-

    ding me, department head

    Nicholas Ruddick told Metro.

    How the hell is a computer go-

    ing to mark an essay?

    Its literally just a pa-

    per shredder, third-year student

    William Wenaus added. You

    put your essay in the machine,

    and it comes out in shreds.

    Shredding papers seemed like a clever solution to dealing withhaving to mark student work: Innovation!

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    Watch out, John John ... TaylorSwift has her eye on you

    MANY

    WORDS

    Puald [email protected]

    Taylor Swift has totally

    been eye-fuckin the shit

    out of 20-year-old pro

    surfer John John Florence,

    according to some fucking

    losers whose lives are so

    pathetic they have to live

    vicariously through the per-

    sonal lives of celebrities.

    Theyve totally

    been, like, texting and

    junk, a source says.

    Apparently she texted him.

    I dont think they have

    hung out yet, but theyve

    been talking. Talking.

    Thats some newsworthy

    shit right there. John John

    doesnt want to ruin things,

    so hes being careful not to

    say too much.

    Bad life choices and a Chia Pet . ALL PHOTOS GEDDY LEE IMAGES

    Many Words

    T

    witter

    @horse_ebooks

    Ice Cream has become anAmerican

    . . . . .

    Just because

    Lindsay Lohanis facing 90

    days in rehab

    doesnt mean

    she cant keep

    paddling that

    pink canoe.

    Statistically

    speaking, most

    people mastur-

    bate, but our

    sources were

    shocked to find

    Lohan mastur-

    bating in pri-vate. How the

    fuck did you

    get into my

    room? Im try-

    ing to turn my

    life around;

    cant you stupid

    fucks give me

    some goddamn

    privacy?, she

    told E! News.

    Rehab doesnt seem to be get-ting in the way of Lohans self-

    love life

    We take back what we said about T. Swift.

    Yesterday, Vianne Timmons

    was seen leaving the U of R

    and driving home. This is

    where I live. What the hell

    do you want from me! she

    said on Wednesday. Go

    the fuck away, or Im call-

    ing the cops, she added.

    Her secretary told

    Metro that she left for home

    at 6 p.m. that evening.

    Thats what time

    she usually goes home,

    she said.

    Our source also told

    us that Timmons drives a

    car to the U of R. It has

    four wheels. Also doors,

    our source told us.

    Vianne Timmons seen leaving U of R,going home

    Vianne Timmons Tom chase and his sandwich are reunited after his latest

    stint doing his job in the morning, and the couple report-edly celebrated by hitting up their favourite local dive bar,

    Riddell Centre. They seemed really happy with each

    other. Tom and Sandy were having so much fun together,

    a source says. They sat in the back of Riddell in a booth

    and were laughing. At one point, there were standing at a

    table just being normal, as any person and his or her sand-

    wich would be with each other. They were touchy-feely.

    There were crumbs on his jacket. They were just being

    cute.

    Chase reunites with sandwich at lunch after

    working in the morning

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    Sidney Crosby to join CougarsIf you thought having athree-time Olympic goldmedalist, former professionalhockey player on a universityteam was unfair, think again.

    It has recently been announced

    that the Stanley Cup champion,

    Olympic gold medalist, and Tim

    Bits icon Sidney Crosby will

    join the University of Regina

    Cougars next season.

    Crosby has had enough of

    professional hockey, already ac-

    complishing everything he

    could, and since there is appar-

    ently no age cap or any sort of

    restrictions on professional play-

    ers joining university teams, he

    has chosen to suit up with the

    Regina Cougars this fall.

    If it is perfectly acceptablefor Hayley Wickenheiser to suit

    up with the Calgary Dinos, then

    there should be no problems at

    all with Crosby joining the

    Cougars. In fact, Crosby is

    younger and has won fewer

    Olympic medals, so really hes a

    step down from Wickenheiser.

    Now the Dinos will know

    the anger that every other athlete

    and school in the country felt

    when the Dinos announced the

    signing of a professional athlete

    returning to amateur hockey to

    compete against amateur ath-

    letes, most of whom have never

    even been to the Olympics,

    much less competed in four of

    them.

    But since returning to ama-

    teur level hockey after playing

    professionally is apparently no

    big deal, why wouldnt Crosby

    join the Cougars where he can

    dominate everyone else in the

    league, be the leagues leading

    scorer and lead his new team to

    a CIS championship within his

    first two years on the team.

    If this idea seems out-

    landish and incredibly unfair,

    thats because it is.

    Fall McApples/Metro News

    Sidney Crosby is pictured here with his news team members