TheDeadDuckStatementofIntent:Blackcomedyaboutanassassinsfinaljob.Itistargetedatolderreaders.Thereisaphenomenonthatoccurssomewherebetweenbirthanddeath.Itsthatthingyoucalllife.Declandidntreallysubscribetothisconstruct.Westartasauselessfloppysackofmeatthatshits,sleepsandcries.Wegrowupandwestaythesamethedifferencebeingthatwhenwegrowupwewipetheshitfromourownarse.Declanhadneverreallyplacedmuchvalueonthiscyclebecausewelivetoserveourspeciesbymakingmorepeopleforwhat?Thereis,ontheflipside,death.Deathisamuchmoreinterestingconcept.Werenottalkingaboutyourowndeathbutmoreaboutthepremeditated,purposefulpassingsofothers.ThiswassomethingthatDeclanfoundmorepleasing,asitsohappened,itwashisprofession.Afriendsunclescousinsflatmatemighthaveacertainsomeonethatneedstogo,orafriendsunclescousinsflatmatemightbetheproblemthatneedstogo.Whatevertheparticulars,Declanwastherightpersonforthejob.Hetookgreatprideinhisworkandthoughtwhathedidhadanelementoffinesseandeloquencetoit.Hewasalwaysdiscreet,dangerousanddeadlyeffective.Noticethewaspasttense.TherailwaythatDeclanstrainoflifewason,wastakenapartsleeperbysleeperandtheleftovermetalwasmelteddownandremouldedintoaknife,whichhistrainoflifecareeredstraightinto.Everythinghehadworkedforhadunraveledintoadisorganisedmessthatstartedsomewherewithaburglar,aduckandanunfortunatedefenestration.

Now,ifwelookatwhereDeclanislateron,wecanseewherehebegantogowrong.ThisisakeypointinthestorywhereDeclanbecomesinextricablyinvolvedinamurderthathehadnointentionofcomminting..Anyway,Declanwasstandinginsidearoomtheonlyilluminationcamefromtheubiquitousmoonlightcastingagloomyglowthroughtheranchslider.Theshadowswerescreamingathim,theirsharpedgeswerethreatening.Hisbreathingstartedtosettleasitcametothesamerealisationofwhathadjusthappenedashedid.Helookedontheflooratthebigpoolofbloodthatwasgatheringaroundthispersonsneck.Hecouldntbelieveit.Thismanwasdead!Evertheoptimist,Declanplacedhisindexandmiddlefingeronthemanswristhispulsewasasstillasthenight.Thisisntgood,Declanexclaimedtotheopenroom,whichwastryingveryhardtostayobliviouspretendingithadntnoticedwhathadhappened.

WhathadhappenedwasthatDeclanhadbeenoutdoingaroutinemission,hewasscoutingthehousefindingoutvantagepoints,blindspotsandquickexits.Itwassomewhereafter4oclockinthemorning,hewassafebecauseheknewtheownerhadhisregularshiftfrom1amto9am.Hewasinthekitchenmakingnotethattheownerobviouslyownedalargedog,whichwasconfirmedwhenhesawitsleepinginthebackyard.Thenheheardthewindowopening.Hewasprettysureastheownerwasouttoworkthatitwouldntbehimandthathewouldntenterhisownhomethroughthewindow.Declanstoodinthekitchen,leaningagainstthewall,stillinplainviewofthewindow.Helookedoverandcametotherealisationthatthemanenteringthishomewearingblackfromheadtotoewasntlost,lookingfordirectionsinthemiddleofthenight.

Hecamethroughthewindow,hetwistedthroughtheopeningandpulledhimselfthrough.Ifthismanwassmarthedgostraighttothebedroomandbeinandoutinafewminutes.Wouldnthebesolucky!Themanturnedbackroundtopullhisbagthroughandintheprocessof,thebagclippedalovely,tallverydelicatelookingvase.Afterthevasewobbledforafewsecondsitwentaheadandtippeditselfover,feelinghurtthatitwasofferednoapology,itdecidedtoteachthismanalessonortwo.Thegratifyingsoundofitsowndemisedrewtheattentionoftheburglarwhospunroundtocatchthevasethathehadsoclumsilyknockedovertoolate.TheBurglarlookedup.TheKillerfroze.Eyecontactisawkwardatthebestoftimes,sotheybothavertedtheirgazesandbothcametoresttheireyesonthecall0800knives4uknifeblocktryingveryhardtostayinconspicuousonthebenchtop.Thefightthatensuedwasverydifficulttodescribe,neitherofthepartiesreallyknewwhatwashappening.Theybothplungedandlunged,andinanepicfinale,theyexpunged.Hadtheybothmetandtalkedaboutthisinafewyearstime,whentheybumpedintoeachotherinthestreet,theBurglarmayhavelaughedaboutthepointwheretheKillerhadstabbedhimintheneck.TheKillerwouldhavelaughedinagreementsayingthatindeeditwasaclassicmove.

Butinfact,theBurglarwasdead,sononostalgicreunionwouldeveroccur.NowwillyourecalltowhenDeclanwasilluminatedinmoonlightandwasexclaimingwithdisdaintoanopenroom?Good?Allrightthen!

Hesatbackonhishaunchesandbithislipwhileforciblypushinghishandthroughhishair.Hishearthadpalpitationsandhisbreathingbecameerratic.Thiswasn'twhatwassupposedtohappen.Thiswasn'twhathe'dplanned.Hewasn'tevenuptoplanningyet!Thiswastheprocesshewentthroughbeforetheplan.Thepreplanphase.Hestartedtopanic,butonlyforamoment.Acouplesecondshadpassedwhenhestoodonhisfeetandlookedaroundtheroom."Rightthen!"Hestated."Cleanup".

Thenightwasdead.Thestreetstillslept.Therewasnoproblemslicingthroughthedarknesstohiscar.Heopenedhisbootandlookedthroughhisprofessionalparaphernalia:atorch,asparegun,arope,apicnicblanket,acouplebinliners,asparetyre,atoolkitandatarpaulin.Hegrabbedthetarpaulinandtheropeandclosedthelidofthebootgently.HemadehiswaybackintothehouseandsetthetarpaulinonthefloornexttotheBurglarwhodmadehimselfverycomfortableonthefloor.Hekneltdownbesidehimandrolledhimoverontothesheet,hisbodyfloppedverycasuallyonitssideand,lookingatthefloor,Declansawthepoolofbloodleftbehind.Fairlylargebutnothinghecouldnthandle.Declanthenturnedhisgazetotheknifewhichlookedratherlikeacolumbiannecktieatthispoint.Hehadwaiteduntilthebodywasonthetarpaulinbeforeheremoveditbecauseheknewthattheknifewasactingasaplugofsorts.HebracedtheBurglar'sshoulderwhileheplacedhislefthandaroundtheknifehepulledandtheknifefelloutwithease.TheBurglarsnecksighedaheavysighastheintrusiveknifesopolitelyleftthedoorstep,kindlylettingallthebloodwhichhadgatheredinhisthroatcomeoozingout.Declanplacedtheknifedownnexttothebodyandstoodbackup.Heduckedintothelaundryandfoundsomecleaningfluidandaspongeandsettoworkonthehardwoodfloor.Declanwasaverycleanperson,socleaninfact,heisthekindofpersonwhocleansthehousethedaybeforethecleanercameinastonotmaketheimpressionhesadirtyperson.Aftermeticulouslyscrubbingandgruntinghehadcleanedthefloortopolishedperfection,somuchinfactitlookedratheroutofplacewiththeconditionoftherestofthehouse.Hestoodbackandadmiredhiswork,andwasgladthathealsocleaned99.9%ofbacteriathatwererudeenoughtobegettingtheirmicroscopicselvesentangledinhisbusiness.HewasntsurewhetherSereneCitrusfragrancemixedwellwiththemetallicbloodvapoursthatwereintheairfornowitwouldhavetodo.

AsitwasSaturday,thepolicewouldsurelybeoutandaboutontheprowlformiscreantyouthandtroublesometeensfromthenightbefore.Sohecametotheconclusionthatitwouldbetoodangeroustodisposeofthebodyandtheknifeatthesametime.Beingcaughtwitheitherwouldbefrustrating,butbeingcaughtwithbothwouldbedownrightinfuriating.Sohedecidedtogoanddisposeoftheweaponfirst.Hegrabbedateatowelfrominthekitchenandwrappedtheknifeinit,cursingthewholesituationinthemeanwhile.Heopeneduptheranchsliderandlefttogotohiscar.Hejumpedinthedriversseatandplacedtheknifedownunderhisseatoutofview.Hesighedandstartedhisengine.

Thedrivetotheriverwentwithoutaproblem.Theknifehadwaitedpatientlyandsilentlyunderhisseatthewholedrive.Heopeneduphisdoorandsteppedoutintothecold,mistymorning.Thegloomypredawnceremonyabouttotakeplacewaslitremarkablywellbytheeverpersistentmoon.Thesoundofaducksquackechoedinhisearsasheturnedroundandleantdowntoretrievetheknifefromunderhisseat.Heremoveditfromitsshawlandafterscanningtheenvironmentandmakingsurethathewascompletelyalone,hehurledthedrattedknifeintothepeacefulriverthatwasmeanderingsomewheresouthandeventuallyintothesea.Notwantingtowastehistime,rememberinghehadthesmallissueofadeadbodystilllefttodealwith,heturnedaroundnotwantingtowaitforittohittheriver.Justashewasabouttostepbackintohiscar,hefeltapangofworry.Somethingwaswrong.Itsnothingheheard,ratherwhathedidnthear.Wherewasthesplash?hethought.AndonamorepuzzlingnoteWhyhadtheducksquackvanished?Helookedbackroundandwhathesawconfirmedsomethinghehadwonderedinthepast.Hislifewasadream,andsomeonesomewherewaschucklingintheiramusingdream,astheyslept,atwatchingabizarrecircumstanceunfold.Gracefullymakingitswaydownstreamwasadeadduck,withasharpobjectprotrudingfromitsbodyandwaspointedverticallikethemastofaship.Declansbrainstoppedworkingasitcametotermswithwhathadjusthappened.Hisbrainhadgivenupasitnolongerbelievedtheeyes

couldbetrustedwithwhattheywereseeing.Declanstoodthere,hisgazetrackingthisspectaclewithcompleteandutterdisbelief.

Declanthrustedintogear,histrancewasbrokenastheduckfloatedunderneaththebridge.Hesprintedacrosstheroadtotheleftsideofthebridgeandrushedtotheriverside.Hedesperatelyscannedthewater,searchingthewholebodyofituntilaftertwoagonisingseconds,itcameouttriumphantlyfromunderthebridge.

Theduckcontinuedwithitsmaidenvoyage,unperturbedbythecrazymantryingtoboardit.Therewasnowayhecouldleaveit!Whatifitfloatedtotheshoreandsomeoneweretofindit?Whatifpeopleweretothinkitthenormanddoitassomekindofsport?NO!!hismindscreamed.Hespatandsworeoverthemanytimeshehadtrippedandlandedfacefacefirstintothemuddymessofthemarshyriverside.HMSQuackerswasreallysettingsailnowandhewasstrugglingtokeepup.Hismindwasquicklyrapidfiringawholeheapofreasonswhythenextdecisionhemadewasaterribleone,hisfeetdecidedtolaunchhimneckdeepintothefreezingcoldriver.Swam?No.Stumbled?No.Anewwordwouldhavetobemadetodescribetheincrediblyembarrassingpicturetakingplace.Floungedwasprobablythebestwordtodescribewhatwashappening(althoughprobablyandquiteeasilynot).Whilestrugglingdesperatelyforairandhalfdrowned,Declanmanagedtowraphisstifffingersaroundthisinsufferablebirdslegwhereheyankedittowardshim.Hetoweditbehindhimtoaplacewherehecouldstandrelativelycomfortably(althoughagain,comfortablewasnottherightword).Cursingsomuch,thatevenasailorwouldblush,herippedtheknifefromtheduckandtosseditintothemiddleoftheriverwherehewatcheditsink.Overwhelmedwiththepureludicrousyofthesituationhebowledtheduck,asfarashiscoldarmswouldallowhim,intothewoods.

Hisskin,whichwasnowcomprisedmainlyofice,wasseepingitschilldowntothecentreofhisbones.Hecouldntriskwalkingintothehousecakedinmudanddrippingwet,sohewouldhavetomakehiswayintothehouseinnothingbuthisunderwear.Hegotoutofhiscar,whichhadbeenfuriouslytryingtowarmhimupwiththeA.C.blastingatfullheat.Itwasnow7:30inthemorning,andalthoughthesunhadrisen,hewasconfidenthewouldmakeitinsideundetected.Hedid.Everythinginsidewasdifferent.Healsodistinctlyrememberedthatthedog,whichwasdozingoutsidebefore,wasnotonthissideofthewallthelasttimehechecked.Healsonoticedthathisfeetwerenotpaws,andeveniftheywere(itbeingoneofthosedays),hewouldhavehadtheprofessionalisminnottrackingbloodypawprintsallthroughoutthehouse.Andyes,youwillbewaitinginvainforthethedogatemycorpsecliche,asno,thatdidnothappen.Jack(ashisdanglingnametagalludedto),hadactuallybeenchewingandclawingattheplasticthatsuspendedasubstantialamountofbloodfrommakingitswaytohavingareunionwiththefloor.Jack,havingmadeverynoticeableholesinit,allowedthebloodoutofitsconfinesandsubsequentlymadeforaverydisgruntledDeclan.Thedog,whichwasveryhappywithitselfwaggingitstail,walkedstraightbackouttheopenranchsliderthatDeclanhadsoabsentmindedlyleftopen.AtthispointDeclansvoicesoundedsomethingsimilartoaballoonwhichwasslowlylettingitsairoutashetriedtocomprehendtheridiculousscenetakingplacebeforehisveryeyes.Now,thissituationwasinfactabigproblem.Themoreannoyingpressingconcern,whichwastryingtognawitswayoutofhishead,wasthatnowhewasntgoingtobeabletowrapthebodyupnicelytomakeacleangetaway.Likearecordrepeatsattheendofitsspin,thewordthinkwasconstantlypulsatinginhismind.Imgoingtohavetoohshit.

Therewassolution,ofcourse,butthemethodhedhavetoimplementwasnotsomethinghedenjoy.Backtothecar,backinsidethehouse.Aslightstartedtoshinemoreandmore,hisadventurewasgettingmoreandmorerisky.Hemadeeyecontactwiththeinsufferablecaninesittinghappilyinthecorner,henowwantingnothingmorethantoripitshangingtonguefromitsmouth.Now,ifyouworkinsales,youdreadsmartcustomers.Ifyouworkinarestaurant,youdreadcustomers.Ifyouworkasanassassin,youdreadcuttingapartacorpseandplacingindividualpiecesofanotherhumanbodyintoablackbinliner.Butnobodyalwaysgetswhattheywant.Declanremovedthehacksaw,whichwasgleamingathimfrominsidehistoolbox.Hewonderedhowhewasgoingtodothis.Right,cutupthelimbs,puttheminthebagandburytheminthewoods.Hethought.Simple!.Unlikewhatyouprobablythink,cuttingupabodyishardandtakesprecision.Youneedtocutcarefullytoavoidbloodspurtingovertheroom,youneedtocutstraighttoavoidchunksoffleshcomingoffandyouneedtodoallthiswhilenothavingadogintheroom.Thefinalruleonlybecamepracticeafterthisoccasionforreasonsnotyetexplained.He

finisheditallandhavingpackeditalltightlyintoabinlinerhewrappedtheropehehadaroundthewholesoggymess.Incaseyouwerewonderinghismindchippedin.IdontthinkIrememberseeingtwofeetinthatbag?ImusthaveputbothinIthinkIdid?YouhavetosympathizewithDeclanhere.WeveallpackedasuitcasesotightthatitdefiesthelawsoftheuniverseastohowwemanagedtozipitshutandthenyouthinkToothbrush!Wellitsnotinbathroom.Imusthavepackedit.IdontrememberputtingitinUnzipsbag.Dumpscontentsontothebed.Toothbrushinsidetoiletrybagatthebottom.Leavemessonbedbecauseyouvealreadyinvestedtoomuchenergyonasinglesuitcase.AtthemomentwhenDeclanwasabouttoripopenthebagandforagethroughthesoup,henoticedJack,inhisperipherals,whowasbusyclawingaholeinthebackyardandbetweenhisjawswasanalltoofamiliarbootwiththeaddedbonusofananklepokingout.Declanthrewhimselftowardsthebackyard,hemadeittwostepswhenhewentstraightintothe,veryclean,othersideoftheranchsliderdoor.Herecoiledinpainandlosthisfooting.Hefelldirectlybackwardswherehisfallwasbrokenbyaconvenientlyplacedbinlinerfilledwith(whatfelttobe)humanchowder.Thistimehissecondattemptatmakingittothebackyardwassuccessfulhelungedforthedogandgrabbedholdoftheboot.Caughtbysurprise,thedoghadthebootextractedfromitsmouth.Declanwalkedbackinsideandreturnedtothetaskathand.Heplacedhisfingersroundtheknotandsettowork.Tootight.Tootight!Hecouldntundohisownbloodyknot.Afterspendingtimegoingslowtobeprecisehewouldlosetrackofwhichendwaswhich.Hetriedbruteforce,whichonlyservedtomaketheknottighter.Hetriedpleadingandbeggingwiththebagbutsurprisinglythebagwasnteasilypersuaded.NegotiationwasntDeclansforteanyway,thatswhyheresortedtobeingacontractkiller.Guaranteednonegotiation.Hetriedonelastattempt,summoninghisinnerprimal,andclutchedoneendwithhishandandtheotherwithhisteeth.Herelentlesslypulledattheropeandmanagedtotearitintotwo.Excellent!CastingasidetheropehewasgreetedwithafoulsmellingconcoctionofsmellshereunitedthefootwiththerestoftheBurglar.TodaywasturningouttobeoneofthosehaveIgotastoryforyoudays.

Headphones,string,Christmaslights!Theyallseemtobeableto,assoonasyouturnyourback,entanglethemselvesintoknotssocomplicatedthatmothernaturehastotakeastepbackandscratchherhead.OvercomewithintoxicatingrageDeclangrabbedtheropeandyankedandflailedaround.Hecontortedintoallmannerofdifferentshapes.Jackstartedbarking,thenhestopped.DeclanlookedupandsawthatJackhadpickeduphisprizedfootandhaditinfrontofhislegs.DeclantriedthewholeWhosagooddoggy?HereboyJackwasntgoingtobeplayedforafoolforasecondtime.ForeverystepDeclantookclosertoJack,Jacksmouthedgedclosertotheboot.DeclanvaultedforwardandgrabbedthebootatthesametimeJackdid.Theybothplayedagameoftugowar,Jackwasenjoyingthis,happilygrowlingaway.Ontheotherhand,Declanwasspinningaroundtryingtoyank,twistandtugthebootfromhismouth.Jackwasbeinganunmovableobject.Declanwasanunstoppableforce.JackmusthavebecomeboredwiththecharadeDeclanwasinsanelytryingtoactoutandyawned,stretchinghisjawwide.Declan,meanwhile,wasstilltugging.Declan,theunstoppableforce,wasveryeasilystoppedbytheglassdoorthatdidntseemtoleavehimalone,itsmashedandhefellthrough.Helandedonhisbackandstaredupintothesky,layinginaminefieldofglass.Nomore!Heraged.Declansatupandlookedatthebootnexttohim,DeclanpickeditupandthrewitatJack,whowasdelightedtohavingattentionbeingpaidtohimagain.Backoutsidetohiscar.Backinsidethehouse.

9:10,readhiswatch.Jackwasbusyinthecornerchewingawayonhisnewtoy.Thebagwasnolongerfunctioning,nolongerservingitssolepurpose.Declansatonthecouchandsighedheavily.HetappedhissilencedpistolonhiskneeandturnedtheT.V.on.Acouplemoreminutesandthejanglingofkeysgrabbedhisattention.Thedoorswungopenandamanwholookedverytiredfromalongshiftandwhowasreadytocollapseonthecouchlookedupfromhiskeys.Hedroppedhisbagandstaredatthehalfnakedstrangersittingonhiscouch.AreyouTrevorScott?,Declanasked.Themanjustnodded,withaslackjawandanoverwhelmingsenseofbewilderment.Good!Declanshothimstraightbetweentheeyesandwatchedhimdrop.Jacklookedupandgaveawhimper,thencontinuedtofocusonhisboot.Derrickleantoverandpickedupthelandline.Hedialed111andturnedhimselfin.Finally,withthetaskathandcomplete,heputhisfeetuponthetable,turnedupthevolume,andcarriedonwatchingT.V.

DylanHolmes