Esteemed readers, The Daily Spread can exclusively reveal that, following weeks of suspicion, Lord Marmarati hath been this very eve found guilty of treason in a court of Marmarati Law and sentenced to Marmite and feathering followed by 10 years hard labour in the glass blowing factory.

Before an audience of Marmarati members, a

jury of his peers found Lord Marmarati guilty

of consorting with the Marmaladi, squandering

Marmarati riches, endangering the future of XO

and conduct unbecoming of a member of the

Marmarati.

Weeks of Suspicion

Lord Marmarati first stumbled from grace in

August when his own butler spied him having an

illicit pre supper snack of marmalade. Rumours

spread faster than Marmite over muffins that the

ex-great leader’s tongue had been turned by the

citrus poison.

Treachery and perfidy Lord Marmarati was then seen dining on

marmalade with Lady Marmaladi and was

later found to have placed a large order for

marmalade and to have holidayed in Seville,

home of the Seville orange, the devil in fruit

form that birthed the sticky venom. Our

fallen Lord also made a series of suspicious

communiations via the electric telephone

to Denmark. Most shocking of all was the

relevation, before the court of Marmarati Law

that he plotted with the Marmaladi to endanger

the precious formula of XO.

Mounting evidenceLord Marmarati protested his innocence right

to the very last. But in the face of mounting

evidence, his besmirched reputation proved

as difficult to cleanse as pyjamas stained with

Marmite during a midnight snack, leading one

observer to conclude that Lord Marmarati had

licked his last butter knife.

Be-squish the yeast wormA member of the Marmarati who did not wish

to be named described Lord Marmarati as “a

yeast worm that deserves to be squished by the

shoe of justice”. Another said that “upon the

morn I shall savour my XO all the more for the

knowledge that our dark elixir has been saved

from such grave danger”.

A punishment to fit the crimePresiding Judge Renfrew Wilson sentenced

Lord Marmarati to be Marmited and feathered

followed by 10 years hard labour in the glass

blowing factory.

Long Live Lord Mamarati In accordance with ancient Marmarati Law, a

new Lord Marmarati was elected post haste,

without further ado and with notable absence of

brouhaha. Candidates Master Spreader David

Titman, Senior Ambassador Nathan Pask and

Master Blender St.John selflessly volunteered

for the role, and although all present agreed

the trio were good and worthful candidates, the

gathered parties hearts and minds were with

Master Blender St.John. He pipped the post and

is thusly elected Lord Marmarati. Long Live

Lord Marmarati.

Read more of his daring escape on page 2...

EXCLUSIVEIt’s the end of the jar for Lord Marmarati

Late London Edition17th November 2011

SpreadDaily The

News17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe

Halt the presses!Lord Marmarati apprehended at Paddington Station. The disgraced Lord Marmarati was apprehended at Paddington Station this evening, having led a court of Marmarti Law to believe he had been confined to his bedchamber by illness. In a shocking fit of immorality, the Ex-Lord even forged a letter from his own mother in order to mislead the court and make his escape. But alas the fates were against the dishonoured ex-ruler of the Marmarati and he was apprehended by agents working for the Inner Sanctum. The shamed ex-leader was found attempting to board a locomotive at Paddington station, (a station forever associated with marmalade because of children’s horror story Paddington Bear, in which the evil substance is forced upon the eponymous bear). It is believed Lord Marmarati intended to spirit himself away to Denmark. His attempt having been thwarted, the ex-dignitary now resides in the dungeon beneath Marmamanor House.

Monumite unveiled in Burton-on-TrentIn a move that fulfills their General Election promise of 2010, the victorious

Love Party unveiled the grand and wondrous Monumite, finally giving

lovers a greatly and oft required shrine to their ardor.

The Monumite is carved from the finest Portland stone and was christened

‘Monumite’ by Lord Kevin McDonald of Birmingham and Lady Claire Tye

of Dorset.

Burton-on-Trent is coping admirably with the throngs of pilgrims flocking

to their humble city to commune with the structure. It’s orb like form echoes

Marmite’s majestic jar and is no less than a feat of modern engineering.

Exclusive interview: St.John is elected and sworn in

St.John, ex-Master Blender and devoted lover of Marmite XO

has fi lled the void left at the helm of the Marmarati by the

removal of the tarnished Lord Marmarati.

With Lord Marmarati’s body in chains and reputation in tatters it was

essential for the preservation of our society that a replacement be found

immediately. With alacrity, a choice of worthy candidates were rounded

up, with St.John rising up as the clear winner.

An observer said, “With our ex-Lord’s mantle still warm from his

perfi dious body, St.John, ex-Master Blender and dedicated member of the

Inner Sanctum, has grasped the future of the Marmarati and our sacred XO

in his hands without hesitation. For a moment I feared for the future of

XO. Now I know I will rest easy tonight, relaxed in the knowledge that the

fate of our sticky mistress is safe in his hands”. In accordance with ancient

Marmarati law, St.John’s coronation will take place within nine waxes of

the moon.

Meet the man behind the Lordship Following the dramatic fall from grace of Lord Marmarati, ex-Master

Blender St.John valiantly stepped forward to lead the Marmarati. Having

campaigned on a reformation ticket, changes are afoot for the Marmarati.

Here his Lordship waxes lyrical about his plans.

Pray tell our readers, what doth the future hold for The Marmarati?Through the Marmarati the universal pride in anointing toast with our elixir shall

become so intense that members of the Marmaladi will run to hide their shame by

spreading their ointment on the underside of their unfortunate crusts!

What do you hasten to change fi rst?To have more ladies included in the inner sanctum, we strive to create a fair

Marmatocracy.

What will you be preserving?Not one nuance of the character of our dark mistress shall be defi led, including

even the temperature at which she may be preserved. As the cold weather

approaches the re-assuring warmth of toast should not be abused, and yet many

of the Marmaladi are advised to keep their potions in cooling cabinets and

refrigerators. Spreading this chilling slime destroys the re-assuring benefi ts of

warming. Our own spread can stand, as it always did, for its whole life in the

kitchen, proud, welcoming and warm.

And what will become of XO?It shall become so distinctive that, simply by touching the jar, every member of

the Marmarati will know they are in the company of the fi nest unction created.

News17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe

Eurozone Crisis – Marmaladi infi ltrate Danish Government European scholars believe the dreaded Marmaladi may have infi ltrated the Danish government. They have been led to this conclusion by a shock move from the country’s Food and Veterinary Administration that decreed Marmite unfi t for sale within their borders.

Without care or considerations for the many lovers residing in their lands (both home-grown and ex-pat) the countries leaders have banned sale of the sticky substance because of its high vitamin content.

Since it is a well known fact that Marmite is delicious, attractive to look at and incredibly wonderful in all ways, experts say they can only conclude that the move is the result of Marmaladi operatives working in Denmark.

The Inner Sanctum released the following statement:

“This is a shocking state of affairs into which we shall look most seriously as soon as we have fi nished elevensies.” The Inner Sanctum also urged that members of the Marmarati resist from

acts of retaliation or retribution against Danish bacon and pastries.

Government offi cials deny ban In a statement issued on

their information super

carriageway station, the

rulers of the Danish fi efdom

stated that, “Neither Marmite

nor Vegemite and similar

products have been banned

by the Danish Food And

Veterinary Administration.

However, fortifi ed foods with

added vitamins, minerals

or other substances cannot

be marketed in Denmark

unless approved by Danish

food authorities. According

to the Danish Order on

food additives, addition

of vitamins, minerals and

other substances need to

be approved by the Danish

Veterinary and Food Administration before the product can be marketed in

Denmark”.

Do your bit In times such as these it is essential that we pull together. Until the

Marmarati declare victory in Europe, readers of The Daily Spread are

requested to do their bit. If you know of any lover currently residing in

Denmark, please dispatch to them a Marmite parcel with haste.

International News17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe

Do you take this jar?Gird your loins male readers. We have some terrible news for ye. One of the Marmarati’s most eligible bachelorettes has been snapped up in a marriage ceremony most mouthwatering this very year.

Met at universityJennifer Constant, honourable member of the

Marmarati since 2010 met her beau whilst

improving her mind at university. Her suitor asked

to borrow her Marmite and won her heart too

when their eyes met over a delicious cheese and

Marmite Earl-of-Sandwich.

Social climbingThe match proved most advantageous for Mr

Constant. Previously a non-Marmarato, it was

decreed that after the nuptials he would be

allowed to join our ranks. In fact, no sooner had

the good fellow pledged his marriage vows than he took the Marmarati

Oath too. Bravo!

A lovely spreadThe couple chose to truly put on

a lovely spread for their esteemed

guests. The blushing bride

arrived resplendent in a Marmite

carriage complete with “Love

it” air freshener. When feasting

commenced, guests were treated

to a delectable wedding cake

baked with Marmite. The groom’s

sister, perhaps also in pursuit of an

invitation to join the Marmarati,

wore a Marmite themed hat a top her

head, complete with concealed jar

for mid-ceremony snacking.

All those on the Daily Spread

Society pages salute the happy

couple.

Society News17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe

A dog’s dinner

Residents of London’s premiere canine foundling hotel, Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, received a sumptuous treat when the Mistress of the home, Lady Claire Horton, took delivery of 100 jars of the velveteen elixir earlier this year.

Lady Horton was bestowed with the accolade

“Dogs Today Endal Award for Services to

Animals”, a tribute given to those who excel in

service to our be-tailed friends, the dogs. Along

with the respect of her peers, her Ladyship also

collected 100 jars of the black manna from heaven.

The reason for this somewhat unusual gift was explained thusly by Lady

Horton, “Battersea dogs definitely ‘love it’ when it comes to Marmite. We

like to provide our dogs with lots of different

activities throughout the week to try and help

them cope better in a kennel environment. One

of the dogs’ favourites is licking Marmite from

chew toys – it keeps them entertained for hours.”

Rumours of plans for a canine division of The

Marmarati have so-far remained unsubstantiated.

Readers are reminded that the Battersea

Dogs and Cats Home is a charitable pursuit,

unsupported by government tithe. Those wishing

to support your furry fellow-lovers may do so by

traversing the information super carriageways to

the following address and making a transfer of

monies. http://www.battersea.org.uk/

Dear Aunty Margery,

I love my husband with all my heart and then some. But there is a great

sadness at the heart of our union. He is not a lover of the black nectar.

At first we thought we could over come our differences and be the Romeo

and Juliet of the condiment world. Alas with our increasing years it has

become too hard. My companion has become unbearably intolerant and

even refuses to kiss me after I have supped on Marmite. This is putting a

strain on our relations. What should I do?

Confused, Preston.

Dear Confused,

I can only assume that love has temporarily separated you from your

senses. Allow me to reunite you with them. Leave. This. Scoundrel. If you

are a true lover of Marmite, you will not allow this man come between you

and your true love, the noir prince. It is admirable, although naïve, that

you imagined love might conquer your differences. I recommend you divert

yourself to the nearest dictionary and look up the word ‘irreconcilable’.

And do not allow this cad to be a blight upon your life a moment longer. I

also direct you to our Lonely Hearts column where I pray you find a more

fitting suitor.

Yours, Aunty Margery

Aunt Margery’s Agony column

Home Affairs17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe

AriesThere are surprises in store for you. Next time

you go to the Frigidaire, be sure to check right at

the back. You may discover an unexpected treat.

TaurusChanges are heading your way. Your humours

will be greatly excited. Fortify your nerves in

preparation with an extra helping of vitamin

B12-laden Marmite today.

Gemini Take a chance on love. Offer half of your

Marmite Earl of Sandwich to that nice-smelling

chap or chappess who sits next to you on the

omnibus. You never know where it might lead.

CancerAn act of kindness on an omnibus may be

mistaken for a romantic advance. Keep your

sandwiches close to your chest today.

LeoPeople will be more receptive to your ideas

this week. Now is the time to posit your daring

Marmite, cinnamon and pear recipe.

VirgoIt’s a fortuitous time for new beginnings. You

have been scraping that jar long enough. It’s time

to move on and launch thy self into a new one.

Go on. Break the seal.

LibraTake heed. Someone at home has left your

jar un-lidded. Stop what you are doing

IMMEDIATELY and go home to replace it.

Scorpio

It’s time to broaden your horizons and consider

new-fangled and ingenious methods to improve

your luncheon. Try marmite and banana for your

midday meal.

Sagittarius It’s time to simplify your life. Rid your larder of

all non-Marmite spreads. Also, luck is on your

side this week – your toast will fall Marmite side

up.

CapricornYou’re stuck in a rut. Eschew toast and try

Marmite spread across a muffi n tomorrow

instead. You won’t regret taking a risk.

AquariusA new suitor may not share your culinary vision.

Be sure to thoroughly examine their taste buds

before you romantically entangle yourself any

further.

PiscesGird the loins for something novel. Someone

may surprise you with a honey and marmite

bagel this week.

HoroscopesLonelyHearts

Second son seeks moneyed heiress with whom to share passion for exotic travel and expensive toasting forks.

Address interest to: Squire

Debutant seeks experienced spreader to teach her the dark arts. Dashing ap-pearance preferred. Good sense of taste essential.

Address interest to: Victoria

Lady who lunches seeks Baron who breakfasts for long leisurely brunches. Dukes who dine will also be consid-ered. No Viscounts.

Address interest to: Elizabeth

Gastronaut seeks Gastroness with whom to share culinary adventures. Ever tried Marmite on gherkins? Me neither. Pray, let’s explore together.

Address interest to: Herbet

Fussy eater requires Gentleman friend to gallantly polish off unwanted mo-stals. I don’t like my crusts. Are you the chap to eat them?

Address interest to: Ethel

Avid picnicer seeks seeks wife. Must have own automobile and clean driver’s certifi cate. Will supply own basket.

Address interest to: Harold

Mnos non moah nof nof nmon mon mnos bmnoph mnos non seeks tolerant ladyfriend who doesn’t mind a chap talking with his mouth full from time to time.

Address interest to: Winston

Leisure17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe

CrosswordLeisure17th November 2011

Daily SpreadThe