THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS OF OCEAN COUNTY

P.O. Box 219, Island Heights, New Jersey, 08732

Website: https://tcfocnj.weebly.com HYPERLINK

"https://tcfocnj.weebly.com/"

E-mail (friends.ocean@yahoo.com)

October-December Newsletter: Vol. 46 No. 10-12

GROUP CONTACTS

Chapter Leader: Billie Ellis (732-363-3894)

Facilitator: Betty Juliano (732-255-1582)

Newsletter: David Rothman (732-288-9114)

Treasurer: Stacy Favre (732-506-9017)

Fundraising: Tony Sobolewski (732-779-3345)

Website: Debra Connolly

Garden: Bruce Jones (732-244-9631)

Telephone: Billie Ellis (732-363-3894)

The Compassionate Friends National Office

48660 Pontiac Trail

#930808

Wixom, MI 48393

877-969-0010

http://compassionatefriends.org

CHAPTER LEADER NOTES

Please note that all our meetings are now being held back at St. Luke’s

Church at 1674 Old Freehold Road in Toms River. They are on the first

Tuesday of each month at 7PM. Next meetings are on November, 2nd and

December 7th.

Our annual candlelight ceremony will be on Sunday 12/12/21. It will be

back at St. Barbara Church in Toms River at 2200 Church Road at 7PM.

There will be some changes to the program, etc. We do ask you take

necessary precautions because of Covid and be prepared to meet any

requirements needed at the time.

MONTHLY MEETING, ST. LUKE CHURCH, TOMS RIVER DIRECTIONS

From the North

Take the Garden State Parkway (GSP) South to Exit 89 C-B-A toward NJ-

70/Brick/County Hwy 528/Lakewood.

Take Exit 89 B-A on the left toward NJ 70/Lakehurst/Brick.

• Merge onto Route 70 West toward

Lakehurst/Lakewood/Manchester. At New Hampshire Ave (3rd

light) take the jughandle.

• You will cross over Rt. 70 West (1st light) and

continue on New Hampshire until you come to Church Road

(4th light-with North Dover Elementary on your left) make

a right.

• At Old Freehold Road (1st light) make a right.

• St. Luke is on your right.

•

From the South

Take the Garden State Parkway (GSP) North to Exit #83 (Toms

RiverJunction Rt. 9/Rt. 166). Bear right onto Rt. 9 North.

• Take Route 9 North until Church Rd. (3rd light-not

including blinking light) and make a right.

• Take Church Rd. to Old Freehold Rd. (1st light) and

make a right.

• St. Luke is on your right.

•

From the West

• Take Interstate 195 East to Exit #16B (Six Flags-Rt

537N).

• Stay on Rt. 537N. At the light past the Jackson

Outlet, make a right onto Rt. 571.

• Stay on Rt. 571 until it junctions with Rt. 9

(approx. 18 miles).

• Make a left onto Rt 9 and continue until Church Rd

(2nd light not including blinking light)

• Make a right onto Church Road.

• Take Church Road to Old Freehold Rd (1 light) and

make a right.

• St. Luke is on the right.

From Freehold

• Take Rt. 9 South through Howell and Lakewood until

Church Road (Citgo & 7-Eleven).

• Make a left onto Church Road

Take Church Road to Old Freehold Rd. (1 light) and make a right

MEETING INFORMATION

To Our New Members-coming to the first meeting is the hardest, but you

have nothing to lose and everything to gain! Try not to judge your

first meeting as to whether or not The Compassionate Friends will work

for you. At the next meeting you may find just the right person or

just the right words said that will help you in your grief. The

purpose of our meetings is to listen, share and hopefully offer

support. Please be assured that there is no obligation to speak or

participate. Just attend and hopefully you will receive some measure

of comfort from joining the group and meeting other families that

understand. You are also encouraged to bring someone with you for

support, we realize how difficult that first meeting can be and assure

you that you will find a place where people that do understand are

willing to listen and to care.

Grief is experienced by everyone in very different ways, but there are

some common thoughts and feelings that all who suffer grief will

share.

It is important to understand what your normal reactions will be. We

cannot change the pain you may experience during grief. We can give

you a better sense of control while going through these experiences by

make them less frightening. Having something to “hold onto” will help

maintain some sense of reality for those going through intense change.

To Our Seasoned Members - We need your encouragement and your support.

Each meeting we have new parents. THINK BACK - what would it have been

like for you at your first meeting if there had not been any TCF

'veterans' to welcome you, share your grief, encourage you and tell

you "your pain will not always be this bad, it really does get better.

All are invited to bring a picture of your child for "Our Children

Remembered" table. We will have a candle lit in memory of all the

children listed in this month's newsletter and invite you to bring a

picture and/or something special if you would like to speak about your

child this month. This is the one place that speaking about your child

is not considered an imposition and expressing how you are really

feeling is appropriate and welcome.

OUR CHILDREN REMEMBERED, October, 2021

This month we are remembering these children

who are sadly missed. Please take a few moments of silence to

remember their day. A phone call or note would be so kind. None

of us ever forget those very special days and messages that say

"I care" really do help.

Child's Name “birth” dates

Kimberly Smith Ames October 8

Kimberly’s Baby October,

Olga Assur October 7

Meredith Ivy Bamberger October 25

Joey Batullo October 15

Jermoy Bechard October 27

Christopher G. Berberena October 1

Andrew Bernstel October 8

Vincenzo Bove October 23

Michael Thomas Brennan October 30

Christopher Calderone October 25

Frank Anthony Campagna October 6

Kamryn Carnick October 15

Larry Cataldo October 14

Percy W. Cockrill October 9

William Corbertt, Jr. October 30

Mark Richard Cortese October 8

Eric Paul DaCruz October 7

Peter Anthony DeBellis October 4

Xavier Donnelly October 11

Steven Dwyer October 2

Augie Ernesto October 23

Raymond Farino October 20

Christopher Franchi October 6

Joseph L. Gillick October 14

Christina Lynn Golembiewski October 18

Sean Michael Guthrie October 19

Kyle Hazard October 5

Jesse Hicks October 22

Chase Johnson October 14

Charles Kontos October 23

Andrew E. Kuminski October 6

Amy Lynn Lackett October 12

Samara Marie Lamberti October 28

Amie Lark October 6

Suzanne Lavecchia October 1

Kristen Ledford October 19

Robert Bruce Linton III October 3

Caitlin J. Magner October 18

Christopher M. Marino, Jr. October 30

Vinnie Martucci October 2

Thomas Baker McColley October 25

Joanne McGrelo October 30

Stephanie McGill October 3

Derek Meglis October 12

Thomas Miraldi October 29

James P. Meyers October 24

Jaiden Moore October 1

Francesca Nicholson October 11

Lauren Niederer October 12

Christopher Nielsen October 7

Desmond O’Brien October 6

Laticia Piccini October 13

Karin Lyn Pagliaroli October 14

Matt Johnny Pierro October 21

Dominick “DJ” Polimeda October 20

Baby Puglisi October 17

Michael Rathgeber October 13

Kelly Patricia Rodriquez October 9

Joey Rogers October 13

Jason Atom Ryan October 17

Becky Salisbury October 20

Lisa Santaiti October 30

Chiara Marie Scancella October 10

Michael B Schildknecht October 25

Robert Schildknecht October 26

Robert Scott October 2

Phyllis Ann Sceurman October 12

Melvin Sharpe October 17

Douglas Shropshire October 23

Anthony Skyers II October 11

Laura Ann Smith October 5

Charles Thomas Smyth October 22

Michael “Sobo” Sobolewski October 22

Brad Louis Sorrentino October 25

Caroline Stark October 25

John Stoecker October 22

Jake Stuart October 2

Kathryn McCarthy Titus October 29

Miguel Angel Torres October 1

Christina M. Valentine October 21

Alexander Velez October 27

Christopher Vertino October 22

Jacqueline Nicole Viets October 15

Jamie Marilyn Vitello October 22

Tara Ward October 23

“passing” dates

Kimberly Smith Ames October 8

Anthony Assissi October 26

Kimberly’s Baby October

Shawn David Bastek October 9

Jessice Bernick October 17

Heather Ellen Braunstein October 3

Elizabeth Brown October 29

Rachel Jones Brown October 5

Robert P. Brown October 17

Melissa Ann Browne October 4

Heath Butler October 6

Jon Byron October 22

Christopher Callahan October 16

Frank Anthony Campagna October 7

Michael Canals October 26

Michael Anthony Cantillo October 8

Michael Carfora October 19

Kamryn Carnick October 15

Linda Ann Castellano October 15

Donna Chick October 18

Edward Chick October 18

Betty Jayne Clevenger October 9

Cassandra Lynn Costello October 15

Justin Cruz October 27

Chris D’Andra October 2

Dominick William Dellaperute October 1

Xavier Donnelly October 11

Patrick Dundee October 14

Laurie Ann Edwards October 15

Christopher Franchi October 6

John Paul Geist October 13

Michael J. Goodwin, Jr. October 28

Irene Michel Hackett October 31

Jarrett James Hill October 23

Kimberly Beth Holzsager October 23

Scott Incalcatera October 20

Tiffany Jamison October 4

Tyree Johnson October 5

Rachel E. Jones October 5

Gary Kennis October 8

Melissa Anne Kulikowski October 30

Samar Marie Lamberti October 28

Robert Bruce Linton III October 4

Little Billy October 27

Loriann Long October 29

Lizanne Joyce Lucarelli October 9

Anthony Patrick Marsh October 23

Peter Martorana October 17

Jane A. Matos October 24

Jonathan McCarthy October 11

Justin Mercer October 28

Steven Michael Minue October 7

Tom Mount October 28

Dougie Murante October 27

Francesca Nicholson October 11

Jamie Nicholson October 11

Christopher Nielsen October 11

Christopher Scott Noel October 22

Mariah Aleece O’Neill October 26

Bradley Oppel October 4

Nicholas John Pietropaolo October 28

Steven Palmieri October 18

Susan Pickens October 3

Rachelle Piourde October 18

Becky Pizzulo October 27

Dorothy Poliakowski October

Baby Puglisi October 17

Laura Purohir October 21

Robert Rak October 6

Amanda Faith Reo October 29

Jace Allen Reynolds October 3

Kirstin Liv Roehrich October 9

Michael Rondinelli October 28

Christopher E. Roxbury October 29

Kia Anice Rozier October 29

Arielle Diedre Rubin October 28

Maria Ruzzo October 4

Chiara Marie Scancella October 28

Ava Jolene Schwamberger October 28

Becky Scott October 27

Anthony Patrick Scucci October 23

Jason Sears October 30

Joshua Siegel October 10

Keith Seiler October 1

Aidan Dolan Sennick October 12

Melvin Sharpe October 20

Virginia Shepard October 7

Robert Scott Smith October 26

Michael Sobolewski October 22

Mark Steven Stepanian October 23

Jason C. Stewart October 10

Lukas Earl Sutton October 13

Kim Thorston October 1

Peter Michael Torakis October 12

Kathy Tufano October 23

Theresa Ann Urban October 7

Sean Clark Vaughan October 28

Geoffrey Vandenberge October 10

Curtis Van Tassell October 26

Tara Christine Ware October 23

Alexis Christy Weinstein October 5

Matthew Wilkinson October 15

Kevin Wistuba, Jr. October 29

Mark Zyla October 14

OUR CHILDREN REMEMBERED, November, 2021

This month we are remembering these children who are sadly

missed.

Please take a few moments of silence to remember their day. A phone

call or note would be so kind. None of us ever forget those very

special days and messages that say "I care" really do help.

Child's Name “birth” dates

Mary Annuniziato November 13

Joseph Anthony Baiocco November 9

Carl David Berg November 7

Deana Blackmine November 24

Emma Natalie Butcher November 27

Dawn Marie Byrnes November 10

Nara Campisi November 28

Eddie Capuano November 23

Michael Cardaio November 27

David Clancy November 16

Jeffrey Carollo November 15

Jason David Cayne November 11

David Clancy November 16

Andrew Columbo November 15

Joseph Carmine DeHart November 10

Brian John Dempsey November 24

Ray Faluotico, Jr. November 8

Nick Ferrante November 7

Pamela Frazier November 23

Heather Gagliano November 2

Valda Grinfelds November 5

William Guglielmo, Jr. November 8

Ronda Jean Gundry November 29

Irene Michele Hackett November 30

Mandy Hatzinikitas November 4

Mike Isenmann November 24

Dougie Jackson November 16

Bill Jasko, Jr. November 24

Kevin Joyner November 8

Mia Kalb November 3

Gary Kennis November 6

Thomas Joseph Lokker November 24

Michael Lowenstein November 9

Kimerlee Lyn Maison November 3

Randy Alan Marcus November 15

Diane Marie Morello November 28

Mikey Mazzatelli November 16

Cole Nichols November 5

Shawn O'Reilly November 11

Steven Palmieri November 19

Michael Pansulla November 8

David Pasick November 27

Thomas Peet, Jr. November 4

Walace Potzak November 6

Lou Reen November 23

Amanda Faith Reo November 23

Christopher E. Roxbury November 14

Kia Anice Rozier November 8

Mindy Susan Rubin November 10

David Russo November 11

Kenneth F. Salvi November 15

Kevin A. Schemel November 18

Erica Lynn Schempp November 19

Liam Donovan Sherman November 16

Dalee Slack November 6

Danielle Elizabeth Smyth November 3

Joseph Snack November 10

Edward Snyder November 19

Michael Snyder November 19

Robert D. Stankovich November 26

Elisa Marie Stefanski November 7

Kerri P. Stinson November 26

Devin Stokes November 7

Scott Tatarian November 18

Brenden Venter November 6

Juliet Joann Wilkens November 1

Kim Wilkinson November 19

Matthew Witzgall November 24

William Woerner III November 20

Ron James Zucker November 15

Child’s Name “passing” dates

Keith Adam Atkinson November 8

Kerry Arnold Beaton November 28

Jacqueline Berardo November 23

Dana Cheryl Brown November 4

Phillip Brooks Brown, Jr. November 15

Scott A. Bruett November 3

Scott Bruno November 26

Terence “TJ” Butler November 6

Christopher Calderone November 9

Michael Cardaio November 16

Percy W. Cockrill November 9

Jason Cole November 7

Michael John Coleman November 8

Kevin Curran November 17

Patrick James Cusick November 20

Jarrod D’Andrea November 4

Aaron E. DeLuca November 13

Joseph Patrick DeSarno November 18

Paitlyn Rose Donnelly November 27

Bobby Eidel November 14

Robert Joseph Elena November 17

Annmarie Esposito Firetto November 14

Robert Norman Flynn November 7

Stacey Ford November 16

Juida Rose Reynolds November 10

Jessica Rose Genovese November 5

David J. Gordet November 10

Jackelyn Grace November 9

James Anthony Grande November 20

Kevin Arthur Gerber November 23

David Alan Glaser November 21

James Anthony Grande November 20

Kyle Guidice November 15

Robert William Harmer III November 23

Lance Robert Hoie November 14

Brianna Nicole Hroncich November 2

Dana Jones November 4

Thea Gail Juezan November 9

Madison Olivia Krychiw November 30

Janice Kurry November 12

Amy Lynn Lackett November 12

Eugene Richard LaMonica November 20

John Lanzano November 28

Carol Ann Lis November 23

James Patrick Lowe November 16

Michael Maguire November 18

David Makuta November 15

Lori Marshall November 28

Michael Marsall November 21

Michael Henry Matteucci November 20

Susan McCarthy November 30

Jennifer McMahon November 12

Shannon McCoy November 11

Harry Miller November 18

Nicholas M. Moriarty November 7

Colleena Mulligan November 26

Michael O’Brien November 3

Kaitlyn Okolita November 14

Chase Ryan Olsen November 24

Michael O'Neill November 9

Rusty Orebek November 5

Ryan Ortleb November 10

Michael Pansulla November 2

Joseph Petti November 29

Jaida Rose Reynolds November 10

Richard Rinaldi November 14

Kelly Patricia Rodgriguez November 26

Mark A. Rosetto November 21

Mindy Susan Rubin November 13

Jason Atom Ryan November 13

Gary Matthew Sabo November 1

Kevin Sabo November 9

Jessica Vern Scarano November 7

William N. Schmitz November 1

Dalee Slack November 6

Danielle Elizabeth Smyth November 3

Heather Soyster November 8

Robert D. Stankovich November 19

Elisa Marie Stefanski November 7

Mark Glenn Tornquist November 7

David Van Houten November 14

Chelsea Venner November 4

Thomas James Walker November 15

Ellen Wells November 17

Kim Wilkinson November 16

OUR CHILDREN REMEMBERED, December, 2021

This month we are remembering these children who are sadly

missed.

Please take a few moments of silence to remember their day. A phone

call or note would be so kind. None of us ever forget those very

special days and messages that say "I care" really do help.

Child's Name “birth” dates

Stephen W. Arnold December 24

Anthony Assissi December 31

Michael Gene Babilya December 11

Ryan J. Bennett December 24

Kevin John Beretta December 3

Elizabeth Brown December 7

Melissa Ann Browne December 16

Brayden Thomas Bruckner December 6

V. Maximilian Buono December 26

Terence “TJ” Butler December 1

Gavin Michael Carter December 17

Linda Ann Castellano December 6

Angela Chipppelli December 31

Jeremy M. Clarke December 28

Christopher A. Clayton December 17

Daniel Scott Cleary December 8

Brian Clickner December 18

Stephen Costanzo December 18

Debbie Yunker Cross December 21

Bonnie Cusmano December 14

Richard Thomas D’Aquanni December 21

Jay J. DeRaffele December 30

Tommy Donzeill December 3

Peter Samuel Flipse Dorian December 3

Sierra Feaster December 14

Joseph Florio-Ortiz December 17

Rocco “Rocky” Anthony Gangemi December 24

Jeffrey Gonazalez December 30

Barbara Harrison December 6

Raymond John Helm December 28

John Higgins

Carol Leigh Horne December 23

Keith Robert Howells December 14

Gilbert Isabelle December 17

Deborah Italiano December 23

David J. Jacob December 3

Glenn Jeffrey December 13

Andy Jemison December 6

Tyree Johnson December 4

Allan Jones December 12

Richard Karwoski December 23

Patricia Kennedy December 21

Mark Levine December 16

Patti “Trish” Maffei December 9

EJ Malvasio December 21

Peter Martorana December 27

Anthony Maruca December 19

Peter Mass December 15

Jane Matos December 1

Dennis McCouley December 13

Joanne McField December 30

George Mifsud December 10

Jon Mindurski, Jr. December 25

Jonathan James Mitchell Decebebr 26

John Michael Moskowitz December 24

Tom Mount December 16

Colleena Mulligan December 27

John Novicki December 21

Michael O’Brien December 9

Sean O’Connor December 8

Albie Joe Ostervich December 19

Susan Pickens December 6

Roger Plourde December 21

Lily Elizabeth Raimann December 2

John Rak December 17

Andy Rush December 3

Leigh Theresa Santillo December 8

Courtney Scheppers December 22

Bradley Stephen Schor December 22

Andrew Shearer December 12

Anastasios Skentos December 11

Maureen Smialek December 5

David Smith December 21

James Smith December 17

Hank Steinbach December 13

Jason C. Stewart December 9

Christopher Superior December 24

Shea Taylor December 25

Kurt Aaron Thatcher December 25

Richard Tello December 24

Carol Marie Tesatore December 15

Lee Vasil December 5

Charity Wardell December 4

Christopher Wells December 28

Scott Wickel December 3

Jackie White December 28

Patrick Wolf December 2

Meghan Berndt Wolfe December 14

Jessica Connie-Majorie Woodin December 22

Elysia Wortman December 5

Lois Jane Yurman December 5

Child's Name “passing” dates

Ray Alianello December 30 n

Glen Adams December 10

Justin Juergen Albers December 6

Stephen Albino December 26

Zoia Assur December 7

Carl Barone December 11

Sandra Kathleen Bell December 30

Ryan J. Bennett December 9

Jackie Bozicev December 7

Mark Bradley December 11

Braqyden Thomas Bruckner December 6

Nicholas J. Burdge December 12

Lori Cancel December 28

John Carollo December 16

Julie Ann Clakeley December 7

Patricia Coleman December 13

Constance Lee Cook December 12

Scott Cummings December 15

Joseph Deak December 5

Anthony Rocco DeCarlo December 28

Andrea Cindy Dener December 16

Dennis Patrick DePhillips December 30

Dan Difabio December 18

Paityn Rose Donnelly December 27

Stacie Ann Fischer December 26

Arthur Andrew Florio December 13

Joseph Florio-Ortiz December 17

Lauren Fluegge December 22

Matthew Frank December 30

Adriana Giovanniello December 10

Michael Bruce Gilluly December 14

Chuck Goldman December 24

Andrew M. Grande December 11

Judy Ann Harrington December 28

Brian Hellenack December 4

Keith Robert Howells December 31

Eric Wallace Ingran December 27

Mike Isenman December 24

Dougie Jackson December 17

Patricia Kennedy December 8

Robert John Kirby December 25

EJ Malvasio December 28

Mach Mangers December 5

Michael Roy Manzi December 25

Frank Marion December 20

Riley Marie McCabe December 15

Scott McIntosh December 11

Shawn Medly December 14

Steven Meola December 16

Todd Miller December 14

Thomas Miraldi December 18

David H. Mitchell December 16

Jonathan James Mitchell December 26

Nick Moyer December 8

Cole Nichols December 28

John Novicki December 31

Laura Odell December 29

Kristilyn Ostroff December 27

John Anthony Paluzzi, Jr. December 30

Harold C. Paton III December 25

Lisa Ann Paul December 12

Bob Peet, Jr. December 21

Stacy Lee Peszynski December 14

Jacob Harrison Phillips December 18

Steven Andrew Prosser December 31

Lily Elizabeth Raimann December 2

David Russo December 21

Evan Schatzman December 20

Erica Lynn Schempp December 2

Kate Shea December 26

Liam Donovan Sherman December 1

Lukas Earl Sutton December 13

William Sweerus December 26

Scott Tataria December 26

Elenore Whalen December 3

Gregory Wilkins December 12

LOVE GIFTS

A love gift is a tax-deductible donation given in memory of a child

that died. Because of these gifts we are able to continue reaching out

to bereaved parents. Please try to send your gifts to the chapter by

the meeting date of the month prior to the month you wish it to

appear. Love gifts can be sent to Compassionate Friends at PO Box 219

in Island Hts., New Jersey 08754.

HOW TO ACCESS

OTHER SUPPORT GROUP/HOTLINE INFORMATION

To access information for other support groups/hotlines that deal with

many aspects of grief go to tcfocnj.weebly.com and then click on Find

Crisis Hotlines & Support. For additional resources click on Other

Resources and then download file.

Another way to access more support groups can be found by going to the

National Compassionate Friends website at www.compassionatefriends.org

HYPERLINK "http://www.compassionatefriends.org/" or type in key word

“Compassionate Friends.” Go to Resources and then click on Links and

then click on Crisis Hotline Information. A telephone list of

hotlines will be shown. For a list of other helpful organizations got

to Resources and then click on Related Organizations.

HOW TO ACCESS TO COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS

ON-LINE SUPPORT CHAT GROUPS

To access the on-line support system go to compassionatefriends.org or

use key word “Compassionate Friends”. Click on Find Support then click

On-Line Communities then click on Get OnLine Support. You will need to

register for the chat rooms.

HOW TO ACCESS TO COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS FACEBOOK GROUPS

To access the our Chapter Facebook page put in Ocean County

Compassionate Friends on Facebook.

For the national Facebook page go to Facebook and enter

compassionate friends USA.

For individual groups within Facebook go to compasionatefriends.org or

use key word “Compassionate Friends”. Click on Find Support then click

On-Line Communities then click on View Groups or click on Resources

then click on 24/7Private Facebook Groups.

ACCESSING BROCHURES/E-NEWSLETTER

To access various brochures on dealing with various aspects of grief go

to compassionatefriends.org HYPERLINK

"http://www.compassionatefriends.org/" or use key word “Compassionate

Friends.” Click on Resources then click Brochures Available. You can

also register for the national e-newsletter at this site.

MORE HELPFUL INFORMATION

You can access opentohope.com, hosted by Gloria and Heidi

Horsley.

There you can find more information including access to radio and video

archives, articles, book lists and upcoming event.

INFORMATION ABOUT OUR LIBRARY

Please note there is a complete selection of brochures. books and other

kinds of literature dealing with grief that is available in our

Chapter Library. The Library is in the same building in which we hold

our meetings.

SHARING POEMS AND THOUGHTS

We encourage you to share your poems and thoughts. We would like to

include them in future newsletters and use them in a Chapter book.

They can be sent to Compassionate Friends at PO Box 219, Island Hts.,

NJ

08732 or they can be e-mailed to friends.ocean@yahoo.com

WHEN GRIEF UPENDS YOUR HOLIDAYS

Everyone has favorite memories of holidays past: Uncle Larry’s “toast

of gratitude,” Grandpa carving the turkey, little Anna’s rendition of

“Silent Night.” These moments sparkle in our memory banks and make us

look forward to the next November or December, hopeful that we’ll get

to bask in the same hilarity or sweetness again.

But what happens when they become memories interrupted? When you’ve

lost a child, it can feel as if you’ve lost the most beautiful moments

of the holidays. If your most cherished memory of Thanksgiving was

listening to your child explain the story of the Pilgrims’ encounter

with the Native Americans or your favorite Christmas moment was

watching your child’s delight at what Santa brought, the holidays can

be fraught with emotion.

Your strongest instinct may be to cancel the holidays altogether and

hide out. Eating frosting out of a can and crying over Hallmark movies

sounds preferable to holding it together in front of family members

you haven’t seen since last Thanksgiving. But you deserve to enjoy the

holidays and seek happiness where you can find it, and there are a few

ways to do that.

Start a new holiday tradition. If your biggest impulse is to throw in

the towel, do so — by not doing what you’ve always done before. Rather

than sit at the same table with the same food and stare at the empty

seat that fills your every thought, change the dynamic. Push your

family to serve Thanksgiving dinner at a soup kitchen. Start a new

tradition of “adopting” a family in need for Christmas and buying the

gifts on their wish list. Ask everyone to throw new dishes into the

Hanukkah mix. If you’re used to celebrating Kwanzaa at home, add in

ice skating or driving around to looking at lights. Mix up your usual

plans so everything feels new, not just your grief.

Scale back your expectations. Are you used to making a huge spread of

14 different dishes, including a turkey and a ham? Recognize that that

just might not be in your wheelhouse this year — and accept that that

can be a good thing. Assign some dishes to other family members to

contribute.

Call a caterer to prepare what sounds overwhelming. Switch to easier

sides that may include a boxed mix or a microwave. There’s no shame in

simplifying things so you can enjoy yourself, and there’s no reason

others can’t help you carry the load.

Focus on your favorite parts. Is the best part of Christmas planning

the playlist for the family? Are you looking forward to stuffing

yourself with all the Stove Top you can get your hands on? Do you love

unearthing old family videos to watch, especially ones that feature

your beloved child? Give yourself permission to notice only the things

that bring you joy and ignore the rest. If Aunt Jackie and Uncle Hal

are fighting for the 25th year in a row, go to another room. If the

noise of the toddlers is too much for you, feel free to read in bed.

You’re allowed to skip the hard parts in what’s already a hard holiday

season.

Do some things on your own. If the holidays represent one of your only

times to gain support from your extended family, take advantage. But

if you really just want to leave the house and be by yourself for a

while, ask family members to take care of your other children or help

make meals while you catch a movie or go on a walk. Family members who

care about you won’t begrudge you the opportunity to seek solace

elsewhere when you can.

Honor your child. Some families choose to light a candle in memory of a

child; others tell stories of funny or sweet things the child did. You

may want to buy a memorial ornament to hang on the tree, make a

special trip to visit him or her in the cemetery, or simply make a

meal loaded with his or her favorite dishes. Ignoring the hole in your

heart — and your family — won’t make the holidays easier, but

acknowledging what’s missing may give you a moment of warmth that

makes the rest less taxing. The holidays are overwhelming for many

people: Travel, family dynamics, and packed schedules can all take

their toll. But add in the weight of grief, and the holidays can feel

unbearable. Rather than throw in the towel and avoid the celebrations

altogether, let yourself do what you need to so you can both

participate and cope. The holidays may be different, but they can

still be beautiful. Gloria Horsley

AND FOR THIS I GIVE THANKS______

I am acutely aware that autumn is here. As I write this, the air

coming through my window is crisper and the leaves are taking on the

golden and scarlet hues of the season. The shorts and tee shirts,

which were the summer mainstay of the neighborhood children, are being

replaced by sweats and flannels. Pumpkins are replacing lawn

ornaments. The beauty of nature is at its most spectacular. It is

unmistakably here, welcome or not…

This will be my fifth autumn without my daughter Nina. I find that I

am far enough along in my grief to find memories to smile about now,

but still close enough to remember those first few years and the

piercing stab of pain in my heart that went along with them.

Halloween, with memories of the costume party she threw when she was

10 years old; the major production she made out of what she would wear

as a trick-or-treater, and as she got older, her enjoyment in passing

out candy to neighborhood goblins. Then came Thanksgiving, one of my

favorites. I liked the idea of family and friends gathering together

with no other purpose other than eating until you were stuffed and

being thankful for each other and the blessings of the past year. No

presents required, just the joy of family togetherness – and the

knowledge that my children were here…all of them. On that first

Thanksgiving after my beautiful daughter died, the empty chair and

place at the table seemed to scream out at me that someone precious

was missing. And the message of this holiday was thankfulness? What

would I ever again find to be thankful for?

Some TCF parents remember being unable to eat even a bite because they

were continually trying to choke back tears that first Thanksgiving.

Just wanting to curl up in a ball, pull the covers over their heads,

and wake up some time in January after the last remnants of the

holidays were cleared away. In all honesty, I cannot tell you even one

detail of that first one: where I spent it, who was present, where I

was, if I cried all day. I remember nothing.

However, I do remember three months after Nina had died, though. On a

visit to my neurologist I tearfully told him of my depression over her

death. His response to me was “Why don’t you count your blessings

rather than your sorrows? Think happy thoughts and maybe you won’t

feel so sad.” I, of course, asked him if he had ever lost a child. He

had not…obviously. Only someone uneducated in the school of grief

would say something so impossible to accomplish!

Almost five Thanksgiving’s later, have I found reasons to be thankful?

I asked myself this question and decided to put pen to paper. I was

surprised to say the list was quite lengthy, but I will only share a

few of them. I am thankful for:

• My loving family, and the welcome joyful additions in the last few

years.

• My memory, because now the painful memories are, now more often,

replaced with the beautiful memories of the past, and they were such

beautiful memories.

• My life, for whom else will keep Nina’s memory alive? Of course, my

family, but they have lives of their own, as they should. I am the

self-appointed keeper of my daughter’s memory.

• Nina. The joy of loving her, the privilege of being her mother.

Though I wish it had been much longer, I wouldn’t trade those 15 ½

years for anything.

• Smiling a genuine smile, laughing a hardy laugh, and finding my sense

of humor again. I believe that Nina hears me laugh and that she wants

me to find joy in life again.

• My sight, because I commented (for the first time in five autumns) on

the magnificent colors of the autumn foliage and the grandness of

Minnesota’s most sumptuous season. I didn’t think I’d ever notice

again. But I did.

• The Compassionate Friends, who showed me there is life after the

death of a child; who allowed me to express my emotions, listened

patiently, understood my pain, and welcomed me into their hearts.

They helped salvage what remained of my sanity and I will be

eternally grateful.

• The opportunity to give back. To bring hope to the newly bereaved

with the knowledge that it won’t always hurt this bad, and that you

will make it with the love and support of family and your

Compassionate Friends. Helping really is healing. And, that there

will come a time that you too will find things to be thankful for

again.

I have found a measure of peace and see some of the light at the end

of the tunnel that we are all so desperately seeking. I know that I

will always love and miss my Nina and will never forget her. That when

the holidays return each year, there will still be the twinge of pain

in my heart that she is not there with our family. Yet, I have

learned, over time, that there is joy to be found again, and the grief

I feel for the loss of Nina can and does coexist with that joy. You

will each find it again in your own time; maybe not this Thanksgiving

or next, but it will come. It really will…

Cathy Seehuetter

HOLIDAYS FOR THE HEALING HEART____________

It’s that time of year again. Carols are on the radio. Movies

play on the television. Trimmings decorate the trees.

Memories linger in our hearts.

The holiday season can be challenging, even without being

complicated by grief over the loss of a loved one. With the

additional weight of grief, the holidays can become a complex

maze of good intentions, great expectations, and high hopes,

all mixed together with the stark reality that someone

somewhere might end up disappointed.

We try to do our best to keep the traditions of previous

Christmases intact, or we start new ones in an effort to

reduce the painful throb of all we’ve lost. However, when we

are forced to choose between what others want in the way of

celebrations and what we desperately need in order to

navigate the minefield of memories, some friction between the

two expectations is inevitable.

May I make a suggestion? Each time frustration and

discouragement come calling this holiday season, take a

moment to try to see beyond the actions and words of your

friends to the love (or grief) that drives those words and

actions. If you are the one who is grieving, be

thankful that your friends want to celebrate with you. Be

thankful that they are still making an effort to include you

in their holiday plans. Try to meet them halfway, if you are

able. True friends will respond with compassion when you

explain what you can do and what you cannot, even if you

cannot explain why. If your friend is the one

who is grieving, do what you can to give them the strength

for those milestone events that squeeze their hearts so

painfully. Be thankful that your grieving friend is making it

through those tough days, even if making it through those

days doesn’t include all that you had hoped. And show your

friend that you love them enough to accept a “No” to your

invitations (even though you really wanted a “Yes”). Try to

remember that “No” doesn’t mean “I don’t want to”. It means

“I want to, but I just can’t”. Be thankful that your

grieving friend loves you enough to be honest about their

need, and ask them how you can help them celebrate their

loved one’s memory during the holidays in a way that they

find comforting.Christmas is the season of giving.

Give grace. Give compassion. And give love

unconditionally.That is what Christmas is all about.

By LESLIE HARDER

Thanksgiving

The time draws near

And the calendar says

Thanksgiving is really here.

Time to reflect and time to gather

Thoughts of what to be thankful of.

Thankful? I think not.

My life is not full these days And to be

thankful is beyond my grasp. But to give

thanks? This, I believe, can be done.

Searching my soul deep within

Reasons to give thanks surface to the edge

Yes, I give thanks

For the memories of yesterdays,

The love, the laughter, the joy of each day when James was with us

The trials & tribulations of being an active parent,

The rewards & the challenges of raising a child,

The days of blissful ignorance when I thought tragedy would never visit

our home,

The days when life was normal, even though I took it all for granted.

For the treasures of today,

The sunrise, sunset, the changing of the seasons,

The new found friends along this journey I reluctantly travel

The tried & true friends who stand by me still,

The strong and everlasting love of my husband

The warmth of wet kisses from my canine companion & feline friend,

The encouragement & support, compassion & caring I give & receive as

I survive and help others survive.

For the hopes and possibilities of a peaceful tomorrow,

With faith, love, & perseverance as I struggle to move on

With James in my heart forevermore, spiritually guiding me with his new

presence,

With sorrow and reluctance, each new day,

To yet, somehow, be open and loving,

Not to forsake what I’ve learned

Because of what I’ve lost.

You see, it’s not about keeping up with the Jones’ having an SUV or two

in the garage or the newest, most improved, latest and greatest new

gadgets, not even being up to date with state of the art technology –

It’s about love – it’s about the gifts of yesterday, blended with the

blessings of today to make meaning for tomorrow.

Meg Avery (James’ mom)

TCF Lawrenceville, Ga

It comes and goes,

as the cold snow blows,

drifting aimlessly

until piling on my heart.

Anger, sadness,

pain and guilt,

all gifts I bring unwillingly

as the holidays impart.

I try to hide

my grieving heart

beneath gifts and decorations,

but eventually, they come apart.

The holiday season

comes on quick

and leaves just as fast.

Although seasons and grief depart,

they linger in the heart.

I Will See You In My Dreams by Bruce Springsteen

The road is long and seeming without end

The days go on, I remember you my friend

And though you're gone

And my heart's been emptied it seems

I'll see you in my dreams

I got you guitar here by the bed

All your favorite records

And all the books that you read

And though my soul feels like

It's been split at the seams

I'll see you in my dreams

I'll see you in my dreams

When all the summers have come to an end

I'll see you in my dreams

We'll meet and live and love again

I'll see you in my dreams

Yeah, up around the river bend

For death is not the end

And I'll see you in my dreams

I'll see you in my dreams

When all the summers have come to an end

I'll see you in my dreams

We'll meet and live and love again

I'll see you in my dreams

Yeah, up around the river bend

For death is not the end

And I'll see you in my dreams

(See) You in my dreams

See you in my dreams

Go

And I'll see you in my dreams