©2014FocusontheFamily

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FocusontheFamilyisaglobalChristianministrydedicatedtohelpingfamiliesthrive.TheyprovidehelpandresourcesforcouplestobuildhealthymarriagesthatreflectGod’sdesignandforparentstoraisetheirchildrenaccordingtomoralsandvaluesgroundedinbiblicalprinciples.

PRAISEFOR

THEMARRIAGESERIES

Weoftenhearthattheinstitutionofmarriageissuffering.Butthereisgoodnews,too!Bysubmittingtheir

relationshipstoGodandseekingouttherightresources,marriedcouplescanknowwhatitmeanstotrulythrive.That’swhatFocusontheFamily’sMarriageSeriesisallabout.Whetheryou’reinasmallgroup,amentoringrelationship,oryoujustwanttostudyasacouple,thisseriescantransformyourmarriageforthebetter.

JimDalyPresident,FocusontheFamily

Astrongmarriageisthecornerstoneofastronghome,andastronghomeisthecornerstoneofstrongchurchesandcommunities,aswellasournation.TheseBiblestudies

coverthepertinentareasofmakingmarriagesthrive,andIhighlyrecommendthemwhetheryouarenewlymarriedor

seasoned.

Dr.TonyEvansSeniorPastor,OakCliffBibleFellowshipAuthor,KingdomManandKingdom

Woman

Marriageisanamazingadventure—filledwithexcitement,joyandchallenges.FocusontheFamily’sMarriageSeriesexaminesGod’sgiftofmarriageinallofitswonderful

dimensions.Iconsideritaprivilegetobeinvolvedwiththisimportantsetofrelationship-strengtheningresources.

Dr.GregSmalleyVicePresident,FamilyMinistries,FocusontheFamily

Inadayandagewherethecovenantofmarriageissoquicklytossedasideinthenameofincompatibilityandirreconcilabledifferences,amarriageBiblestudythatisbothinspirationalandpracticalisdesperatelyneeded.TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesiswhatcouplesareseeking.IgivemyhighestrecommendationtothisBiblestudyseriesthathasthepotentialtodramaticallyimpactandimprovemarriagestoday.Marriageisnotsomuch

aboutfindingtherightpartnerasitisaboutbeingtherightpartner.ThesestudiesgivewonderfulbiblicalteachingforhelpingthosewhowanttolearnthebeautifulartofbeingandbecomingallthatGodintendsintheirmarriage.

LysaTerKeurstPresident,Proverbs31MinistriesAuthor,CaptureHerHeart;CaptureHisHeart,

andtheNewYorkTimesBestsellersMadetoCraveandUnglued

TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisjustwhatthedoctorordered:It’stimelyandtimeless—chock-fullof

groundedinformationandtoolseverycouplecanputintopracticeimmediately.Youwon’twanttomissoutonthis

incredibleresource.

Drs.Les&LeslieParrottAuthors,SavingYourMarriageBeforeItStarts

Inmy31yearsasapastor,I’veofficiatedathundredsofweddings.Unfortunately,manyofthoseunionsfailed.IonlywishtheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSerieshad

beenavailabletomeduringthoseyears.WhatamarveloustoolyouaspastorsandChristianleadershaveatyour

disposal.Iencourageyoutouseittoassistthoseyouserveinbuildingsuccessful,healthymarriages.

H.B.London,Jr.PastortoPastorsEmeritus,FocusontheFamily

ThismarriagestudyseriesispureFocusontheFamily—reliable,biblicallysoundanddedicatedtoreestablishing

familyvaluesintoday’ssociety.Thisserieswillnodoubthelpamultitudeofcouplesstrengthentheirrelationship,notonlywitheachother,butalsowithGod,thecreatorof

marriageitself.

BruceWilkinsonAuthor,SecretsoftheVine,ALifeGodRewards,DreamGiverandtheNewYork

TimesBestsellerThePrayerofJabez

Lookingforaprescriptionforabettermarriage?You’llenjoythistimelyandpracticalseries!

Dr.KevinLemanBestsellingAuthor,SheetMusic:UncoveringtheSecretsofSexualIntimacyin

Marriage

TableofContents

Cover

TitlePage

CopyrightPage

PraiseforTheMarriageSeries

ForewordbyGaryT.SmalleyandGregSmalley

Introduction

SessionOne:LivingtheUnexpected—Romans8:35,37LivingthroughtheunexpectedtwistsandturnsofremarriagerequiresputtingChristsolidlyatthecenteroftherelationship.

SessionTwo:LivingwithNewChallenges—2Corinthians12:9-10Inthemidstofmisunderstandings,rearrangedfamilydynamicsandthetug-of-warthatgoesoninblendingfamilies,thehopeofChrist’spresencewithusisgreatnews.

SessionThree:LivingwithNewRelationships—1John4:16Inremarriagewesay“Ido”tomorethanjustourspouse;therearechildren,exes,in-lawsandex-in-lawstodealwith.ChristisourexampleaswelearntoshowHisloveindifficultrelationships.

SessionFour:LivingwithNewHope—Romans15:13Statisticsclearlyshowthatremarriagesstruggletosurvive.However,inChristwecanbemorethananotherstatistic—wehavehopebecauseHedwellswithinus!

Leader’sDiscussionGuide

Notes

BackAds

BackCover

Foreword

FocusontheFamily’sTheFamilyProjectisthelargestsingleinitiativeintheministry’shistory.Itisdesignedtoaddressthequestionofwhethertheinstitutionsofmarriageandfamily,asGodcreatedthemandexplainstheminScripture,arestillbestforhumanhealthandhappiness.Inadayandagewhentheseinstitutionsseemtoundergoconstantredefinition—andwhendivorceandthecomplexitiesofdailylifearetakingadevastatingtollonmarriageandfamily—weneedtoaskwhatGodhadinmindwhenHemadetheminthefirstplace.TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisakeyresourcein

thatinitiative.BasedonthebookYourMarriageMasterpiece,thisserieslooks“behindthecurtain”ofhistory.OtherpartsoftheprogrammakethecasethatmarriageandfamilyreflectthenatureofGodHimself;thisserieslooksingreaterdetailatthemanyaspectsthatmakeupthedivinemasterworkthatisthemarriagerelationship.FocusontheFamilyiswellknownandrespectedworldwide

foritssteadfastdedicationtopreservingthesanctityofmarriageandfamilylife.Thisseriesiswellwritten,biblicallysoundandrightontargetforguidingcouplestoexplorethefoundationGodhaslaidformarriageandtoseeHimastherolemodelfortheperfectspouse.Throughthisseries,seedswillbeplantedthatwillgerminateinyourheartandmindformanyyearstocome.Inourpractical,bottom-lineculture,weoftenwanttojump

overthewhyandgetstraighttothewhat.Wethinkthatbydoingthesixstepsorlearningthefiveways,wewillreachthegoal.Butdeep-rootedgrowthisslowerandmorepurposefulandbeginswithawell-groundedunderstandingofGod’sdivinedesign.Knowingwhymarriageexistsiscrucialtomakingthehow-tosmoreeffective.MarriageisagiftfromGod,auniqueanddistinctcovenantrelationshipthroughwhichHisgloryand

goodnesscanresonate,andonlythroughknowingthearchitectandHisplanwillmarriagesbebuiltonthesurestfoundation.Godcreatedmarriage;Hehasaspecificpurposeforit,and

HeiscommittedtofillingwithfreshlifeandrenewedstrengtheachunionyieldedtoHim.Godwantstogathertheheartsofeverycoupletogether,unitetheminloveandwalkthemtothefinishline—allinHisgreatgraceandgoodness.MayGod,inHisgrace,leadyouintoHistruth,strengthening

yourlivesandyourmarriage.

GaryT.Smalley

SmalleyInstituteandBestsellingAuthor

GregSmalleyVicePresident,FamilyMinistry,FocusontheFamily

Introduction

AtthebeginningofcreationGod“madethemmaleandfemale.”“Forthisreasonamanwillleavehisfatherandmotherandbeunitedtohiswife,andthetwowillbecomeoneflesh.”Sotheyarenolongertwo,but

one.Mark10:6-8

TheBlendedMarriagecanbeusedinavarietyofsituations,includingsmallgroupBiblestudies,SundaySchoolclasses,counselingormentoringsituations.Acouplecanalsousethisbookasanat-homemarriage-buildingstudy.Eachofthefoursessionscontainsfourmaincomponents.

SessionOverview

TillingtheGroundThisisanintroductiontothetopicbeingdiscussed—commentaryandquestionstodirectyourthoughtstowardthemainideaofthesession.

PlantingtheSeedThisistheBiblestudyportioninwhichyouwillreadScriptureandanswerquestionstohelpdiscoverlastingtruthsfromGod’sWord.

WateringtheHopeThisisatimefordiscussionandprayer.Whetheryouareusingthestudyathomeasacouple,inasmallgrouporinaclassroomsetting,talkingaboutthelessonwithyourspouseisagreatwaytosolidifythetruthandplantitdeeplyintoyourhearts.

HarvestingtheFruitAsapointofaction,thisportionofthesessionofferssuggestionsonputtingthetruthoftheWordintoactioninyourmarriagerelationship.

SuggestionsforIndividualCoupleStudy

Thereareatleastthreeoptionsforusingthisstudyasacouple.

Itmaybeusedasadevotionalstudythateachspousewouldstudyindividuallythroughtheweek;thenonaspecifiedday,cometogetheranddiscusswhatyouhavelearnedandhowtoapplyittoyourmarriage.Youmightchoosetostudyonesessiontogetherinaneveningandthenworkontheapplicationactivitiesduringtherestoftheweek.Becauseoftheshortlengthofthisstudy,itisagreatresourceforaweekendretreat.Takeatripawayfortheweekend,andstudyeachsessiontogether,interspersedwithyourfavoriteleisureactivities.

SuggestionsforGroupStudy

Therearemanywaysthatthisstudycanbeusedinagroupsituation.ThemostcommonwayisinasmallgroupBiblestudyformat.However,itcanalsobeusedinanadultSundaySchoolclass.Howeveryouchoosetouseit,therearesomegeneralguidelinestofollowforgroupstudy.

Keepthegroupsmall—fivetosixcouplesisprobablythemaximum.Askcouplestocommittoregularattendanceforthefourweeksofthestudy.Regularattendanceisakeytobuildingrelationshipsandtrustinagroup.Encourageparticipantsnottoshareanythingofapersonalorpotentiallyembarrassingnaturewithoutfirstaskingthespouse’spermission.Whateverisdiscussedinthegroupmeetingsistobeheldinstrictestconfidenceamonggroupmembersonly.

Thereareadditionalleaderhelpsinthebackofthisbook.

SuggestionsforMentoringorCounselingRelationshipsThisstudyalsolendsitselfforuseinrelationshipswhereonecouplementorsorcounselsanothercouple.

Amentoringrelationshipcouldbearrangedthroughasystemsetupbyachurchorministry:Acouplethathasbeenmarriedforseveralyearsisassignedtomeetonaregularbasiswithayoungercouple.Alessformalwaytostartamentoringrelationshipisforayoungercoupletotaketheinitiativeandapproachacouplethatexemplifyamature,godlymarriageandaskthemtomeetwiththemonaregularbasis.Orthereversemightbeamaturecouplethatapproachesayoungercoupletobeginamentoringrelationship.

Whenaskedtomentor,somemightshyawayandthinkthattheycouldneverdothat,knowingthattheirownmarriageislessthanperfect.Butjustaswearetodisciplenewbelievers,wemustlearntodisciplemarriedcouplestostrengthenmarriagesinthisdifficultworld.TheLordhaspromisedtobe“withyoualways”(Matthew28:20).Beforeyoubegintomentoracouple,firstcompletethestudyyourselves.Thiswillservetostrengthenyourownmarriageandprepareyouforleadinganothercouple.Bepreparedtolearnasmuchormorethanthecouple(s)youwillmentor.

TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisbasedonAlJanssen’sTheMarriageMasterpiece,aninsightfullookatwhatmarriagecan—andshould—be.Inthisstudy,wearepleasedtoleadyouthroughthewonderfuljourneyofdiscoveringthejoyinyourmarriagethatGodwantsyoutoexperience!

LIVINGTHEUnexpected

WhoshallseparateusfromtheloveofChrist?Shalltroubleorhardshiporpersecutionorfamineornakednessor

dangerorsword?...No,inallthesethingswearemorethanconquerorsthroughhim

wholovedus.Romans8:35,37

Deathofthedreamisthecommonthreadweavingthroughablendedmarriage.Mostpeopledon’tgrowupwithawishtobemarriedmorethanonce.Thetypicaldreamistomeettherightperson,fallinlove,buildalifetogetherandlivehappilyeverafter.Butformanythedreamofhappilyeverafterwascutshortbydeathordivorce.Thusbeganthejourneyofstartingover.Ablendedmarriageisfoundationallydifferentfromafirst

marriagebecauseitisthecomingtogetheroftwopeoplewhohavesufferedlossandhurtinapreviousrelationship.Wewalkdowntheaislewithbaggagethatnoonecansee—emotionalwoundsandhurtsfromthepastthatthreatentopreventusfromtrulyexperiencingloveagain.Wallsofprotectionthatwepreviouslybuilttowithstandthepainoflosscannowkeepusself-focusedandunabletofullyyieldourselvestoanotherperson.Whileseekinganotherchanceatlove,wemustrealizethatitispossibleforthisnewrelationshiptobelivedinthe

spiritofrestorationandacceptanceofwhatisnowournewreality.TheonlywaytosurvivetheunexpectedtwistsandturnsofremarriageistoputChristsolidlyatthecenteroftherelationship.

TillingtheGroundOurdreamsshapeourexpectations.Ineverymarriagerelationshipthereareblessingsaswellaschallengesandsurprises.Examiningourexpectationshelpsusidentifyunrealisticthinkingthatmightaffectourrelationships.Let’sfaceit,livingintheblenderissometimes(orsomemaysay“often”)achallengingmixofhis,hersandours,aswellasin-lawsandex-laws(orisit“out-laws”?)!

1.Whatwereyourexpectationsasyoustartedoverinthisnewmarriage?

Whatdidthisnewrelationshipandnewfamilylooklikeinyourdream?

2.Whathasbeenthebiggestsurpriseorconcernasrealityhashityourrelationship?

3.Inlightofthechallengesyouhaveexperiencedsofar,whathasproventobethegreatestblessinginthismarriage?

4.Whatoutsideforcesareintrudingintoyourhomeandchallengingyourrelationshipwithyourspouse?

Lifeisfulloftheunexpected.Therearemanythingsthatwecannotcontrol.Thisisespeciallytrueinablendedmarriage.Oftentherearemanycircumstancesinvolved:newfamilytiesbeingformed,oldfamilytiesstrugglingforsurvivalandmisunderstandingsalongtheway.Still,throughallofthese

things,wecanlearntorelyontheloveofChrist—alovethatisdeep,rich,unconditionalandveryreal.ItisHislovethatwillenableustogothedistancewhilelivingintheunexpectedandunchartedterritoryofablendedmarriage.

PlantingtheSeedExpectationsrunhighineverymarriagerelationship.Oftenourexpectationsdon’tmatchwhatsoonbecomesourreality.Becauseofpastcircumstancesandrelationships,wewillundoubtedlybechallengedbydifficultsituationsthatwemayhaveneveranticipated.Thoughtherearemanynewblessings,stilltheroadissometimesrockyandthepathunbelievablyhard.InsuchcircumstancesweareoftentemptedtothinkthatevenGodhasleftus.

NotForsaken

TheapostlePaulremindsusinthebookofRomansthatnothingshallseparateusfromtheloveofChrist.Weallgothroughchallengesinlife,butnoneofthemcanseparateusfromHimwholovesus.Andbecauseofthispromisewecanalsobevictorsratherthanvictimsofchallengesandcircumstances.

5.WhatdidJesusChristtellustoexpectinJohn16:33?Andwhatisthepromiseofthisverse?

Thewordtranslated“trouble”hereistheGreekwordthlipsiswhichcanalsobetranslatedinthefollowingways:distress,hardships,suffering,persecution,afflictions,trials,anguish,hardpressed,severetrial,tribulations.[1]

6.Whataretheproblemscommonlyexperiencedinablendedmarriage?

ThewordsJesusspoketoHisdisciplesarestillpertinenttoustoday.IfwebackuptothebeginningofJohn16,wecanseethatHeiswarningthemofhardtimestocome,butHeclearlypromisesthemthatHewillnotleavethemhangingoutonalimbtofigurethingsoutontheirown.Inverses5through15HetoldthemoftheworkoftheHolySpiritintheirlives.

7.WhatdoesJesussayabouttheworkoftheHolySpiritinJohn16:5-15?

Howdoesthisrelatetohandlingdifficultcircumstances?

TheHolySpiritcomestoleadusandguideusintoalltruth.Truthsetsusfreeandenablesustotakeheartandtobeofgoodcheerdespitetheunexpecteddramasoflifethatoccurinablendedmarriage.

8.Whathappensinsideyouwhenyourlifecircumstancesarehard?

Howcanthesefeelingsaffectyourmarriage?

Inourculturelifehasbecome“allaboutme”andmypersonalpursuitofhappiness.ThisselfishattitudehasevenshapedthewayweasChristiansviewlife.However,thisisnotthewayourlifeistobeviewedaccordingtoScripture.Insteadofviewingourlifeasbeingforourownpleasure,wearetolivetopleaseGod.Butoften,inablendedmarriage,becauseofpasthurts,twopeoplecometogethergraspingathappinessthathasseemedtoeludethem.TheresultscanbedevastatingifthefocusisnotreadjustedandalignedtothetruthinGod’sWordforusasindividualswhobelongtoHim.

9.WhatdidtheapostlePaulsayabouthishardshipsin2Corinthians1:8-10?

10.Accordingto2Corinthians1:9-10,Paulwascertainlyfeelingdespair.However,eveninthemidstofhardship,hechosetoputhishopeinGod’sdeliverance.Howcanthissamechoiceaffectthoseinablendedmarriage?

Thereisapositivesidetochallenge.ScriptureisclearthatchallengesarepartoflifeandthattheyactuallybenefitussincetheycauseustodependonGod’sstrengthinourdailyworld.Itreallyisallaboutafocuschange.Ratherthanfocusingonthedifficultiesandfallingintodiscouragementanddespair,wecanlearntofocusonGod’spurpose:tochangeusthroughourdifficultcircumstancestobemorelikeChrist.Oneviewproducesafeelingofbeingtrapped;theotheranassuranceofempowermenttoriseaboveandgrowthroughthehardtimes.

DealingwiththeUnexpected

Whendealingwiththeunexpected,weneedtokeepinmindthreethings:

1. WemustbehonestwithGod,tellingHimhowsituationshurt,howhardtheyaretohandle,howwecannotdotherightthinginourownstrength,etc.

2. WemustfindourhopeinHisfaithfulness,choosingtostandinthepromisesofGod’sWord,tellingourselvesthetruthandlettingtruthbringhopetoourheart.

3. WemusthumbleourheartandwilltoHisplanforourlife;humilityisthepathwaytobeingtrulyfree.It’stimetobelievethatGodiswhoHesaysHeisandthatHecanbetrustedwitheverything.

BeHonestOftentimeswehideourtruefeelings,stuffingthosethingsthatweareashamedofdowndeepinourhearts.Thiscourseofactionwillkeepusstuckindespairwhentheunexpected

strikes.InsteadwearetocomebeforeGod,tellingHimallofourhurts,caresandlongings.

11.Whatdoes1Peter5:7saywecandoaboutouranxiety?

12.Philippians4:4-6givesclearinstructiononwhatwearetodowhenfacedwithaproblem.Whatarewecommandedtodoineverysituation?

13.Howwouldfollowingthesedirectionshelpacouplemeetthechallengesthatarespecifictoablendedmarriage?

DescribeatimewhenyouactuallyturnedadifficultsituationovertotheLordandreceivedHishelpandguidance.

It’simportanttorememberthatourchallengesinthoughtandcircumstancearenotuniqueandunconquerable.Othersinsimilar(orperhapsevenworse)situationsarelearningtobehonestandprayerfulintheirblendedmarriage.Aswelearntobehonestwithourselves,ourmatesandtheLord,wewillalsolearnhowtoturnanxietyandconcernintoprayerandpraise.WhenwetrustintheLord,wewillbegiventhepeacethatproducesnewhope.

BeHopeful

14.In1Peter5:7wearetoldthatwecancastallofourcaresupontheLord.Howcanwedothatwithconfidence?

15.Whatispromisedin1Peter5:10?

Haveyoupersonallyexperiencedrestorationafteradifficulttime?Explainwhathappened.

16.AccordingtoJames1:2-4,whatisthepurposeoftrials?

Howcanthispassageprovidehopeduringthechallengesofablendedmarriage?

“After[we]havesufferedalittlewhile”(1Peter5:10)isaninterestingconcept,isn’tit?Wedon’twanttosuffer.Butitisanecessarypartofthelifeprocess,bringingustorestorationandactuallymakinguscomplete.Sufferingproducesmenandwomenofstrength.Italsoproducespeopleofperseverancewhoareabletokeeptheircommitmentandfinishthecoursesetbeforethem.

17.WhatdoesPhilippians4:6-7promisewillhappenwhenwetakeourproblemsandapplythe“prayer,petitionandthanksgiving”principle?

Havingapeacethattranscendsunderstandingisanamazingpromise.Itmeansthatalthoughwedon’tunderstandthewhysorhowsofourcurrentsituation,westillhavepeacebecauseourhopeisinChrist,whoisalwaystrustworthy.

BeHumbleJesuscametodothewilloftheFather.HewasaboutHisFather’sbusiness.HeclaimedthatHislifewasnotHisown.ItisthroughhumilitythatweareabletolaydownourowndesiresanddreamsforthewilloftheOnewhocreatedusforHisglory.

18.HowislayingdownourcaresandgivingthemtotheLordanactofhumility?

19.WhatisthehardestthingaboutyourmarriageforyoutolaydownforfearthatGodwillnotworkitoutthewayyouwouldlikeittobeworkedout?

20.Whatdoes1Peter5:5-6tellustodothatwouldhelpwhendealingwiththeunexpectedissuesthatcomeupinourblendedmarriagerelationship?

21.Howdoespridegetinthewayofdealingwithissuesfairly?

22.Howdoespersonalpridegetinthewayofhealingpastpersonalhurts,emptyingoldemotionalbaggageordealingwitheachother’schildrenorrelatives?

Asyouworkthroughthechallengesofblendingyourmarriage,youcantrustintheLordtomeetyourneedsandhelpyoucomethroughthetoughtimesstronger.Remembertobehonest,behopefulandbehumble.

WateringtheHopeThechallengesinablendedmarriagewilltakeuswheretherubbermeetstheroadinourdailylives.Itiseasytowalkbyfaithwheneverythingisfine.It’snotsoeasytowalkbyfaithwhenGodcallsustoliveinwaysthatgoagainstthegrainofourfleshorourpride.Ourfleshandpridelongforhappinessatallcosts.Inanymarriagethiscouldcausealotofproblems,butinablendedmarriagetheremaybeevenmoredynamicsthatpusholdbuttons,bringouttheworstinusandmakeiteasytosinkintoselfishliving.Godoffersabetterway.Hehasmoreforusthanlivingasunbelievingblendedcouplesdo.HegaveusthegiftofHisSpirittoleadusandguideusintotruth.Remember,truthsetsusfree!Considerthefollowing:

JenandMikehadbeenmarriedjust18monthswhenproblemsstartedtoerupt.HertwochildrenbecameafocalpointofjealousyandbitternessforMike’sex-wifeandhisonlydaughter.BeforelongbothJenandMikewere

embroiledinacompetitiontoprotecttheirownturf.Steepedinprideandunwillingtoletgo,theirmarriagealmostcametoadevastatingend.Realizingtheirloveforeachother,bothJenandMikeknewthatsomethinghadtochange.Inthemiddleoftheirstorm,bothofthemrealizedthattheirprideandstubbornnesscausedthemtodigtheirheelsinatallcosts.Theywereeachviewingtheirchildrenfromtheirfirstmarriagesas“hisandhers”ratherthan“theirs,”andinsodoingtheywereunconsciouslydrawinglinesandmakingtwocompetingteamsratherthanonenewfamily.[2]

23.WhatisitaboutJenandMike’ssituationthatcouldeventuallyleadtoabreakdownoftheirnewmarriageandfamily?

24.Whatcancoupleswhocometogetherandmergetheirlivesandfamiliesdotolessenthepresenceofpride,protectionandownership?

25.RereadRomans8:35,37atthebeginningofthissession.WhatcanmakeaspouseinablendedmarriagefeelseparatedfromGod’slove?

26.Romans8:37saysthatinallthesethingswearemorethanconquerors.Howcouldacoupleapplythisversetowalkingthroughthenewchallengingterritoryofablendedmarriage?

Allrelationshipshavetimesofstruggle.Unfortunatelyinablendedmarriagealliancesmakeiteasytocreatesides.Ourprideandpersonalfamilyprejudiceaddtothepressuretocreatenewteams.Therecomesatimewhenacommitmenttothenewrelationshipmustbefirmlyreestablished.Thefirmstanceofthisnewcommitmentcallsforhonesty,humilityand

largedosesofhope.ThenwewillexperiencethepowerofGodintercedingonourbehalf.

HarvestingtheFruit

27.Whatarethethings—attitudes,situations,feelings,etc.—thathaveputstressonyourrelationship?Makealistofthesethingsanddiscusswithyourspousehowyoueachcanbehonest,hopefulandhumbleindealingwiththemtogether.

Behonestwithyourspouseaboutyourfeelingsregardingdisappointmentswiththechallengesofyourblending.Ifyouneedtoconfesstoyourspouse,doso,askingforprayer,cleansingandhealing.

28.Sharewithyourspousethepassageinthislessonthatmostspoketoyouandhowyouplantoapplyittodailylife.

ThisweekmemorizePhilippians4:6-8.Asacouple,askGodtohelpyouapplythisverseanditsprinciplestoyourlifeandmarriage.IfyoudonotalreadymemorizemeaningfulScripture,begintomakeitapriority.HavingGod’sWordinyourmindcanhelp,comfortandencourageyouinthemidstofadifficultsituation.Regularlysetsometimeasideforeachother.Taketime

rightnowtoplanadatetospendtimewithoneanotherwithoutinterruptionsordistractions.Whatarrangementsdoyouneedtomaketokeepyourdate?Createaspaceandtimeforprivateconversation.Listentoyourspouse.Don’tjudge,criticizeortrytofixyourspouse.Listentotheheartoftheonetowhomyouhavecommittedyourheart.

TogetherconfesstoGodyourfaultsandinabilitytoacceptallchallengesinyourblendedmarriage.AskforHishelpandforHisgraceandguidance.ThroughouttheweekthankGodforthehopeyouhaveinChrist.Remindyourspouseofyourcommitmenttohimorher,andthankGoddailythatnothingseparatesyoufromHisloveandthatinChristyouandyourspousearemorethanconquerors.

LivingWITHNEW

Challenges“Mygraceissufficientforyou,formypowerismadeperfectinweakness.”

ThereforeIwillboastallthemoregladlyaboutmyweaknesses,sothatChrist’spowermayrestonme.Thatiswhy,forChrist’ssake,Idelightinweaknesses,ininsults,inhardships,inpersecutions,indifficulties.ForwhenIamweak,thenIam

strong.

2Corinthians12:9-10Christiansinablendedmarriageoftencometoacrisisofbelief,aforkintheroadoratleastanabruptturningpointwhenfacedwiththenew,andsometimestricky,challengesthatcomeupinaremarriage.Whatonceseemedlikeanewchanceforaperfectloveandaperfectfamily,asportrayedbyTheBradyBunchTVseries,endsupbeingfarremovedfromtheglitzandglamourofaHollywoodset.Whatonceseemedliketheperfectideaforthefuturecanbecomethebiggestchallengeeverfaced.Thoughsomecouplesseeminglyblendwellfromthestart,mostblendthroughtrial,errorandstruggle.Inablendedmarriagethecoupleconstantlyneedstobeflexibleasindividualswhileremindingthemselvesnotto

giveintothetemptationofisolationandselfishness—justdoingthingstheirownway.Thankfully,ChristpromisesthatHewillneverleaveusor

forsakeus.Inthemidstofmisunderstandings,rearrangedfamilydynamicsandthetug-of-warthatgoesonasrelationshipsfindtheirnewsettlingplace,thehopeofChrist’spresencewithusisgreatnews.

TillingtheGroundTherearemanyadjustmentstobemadeasanewcouplesiftsthroughtherubbleoftheoldlifetobuildanewone.Oftenthissiftingrevealsproblems.Butwhenourfocusshiftstotheall-sufficientpowerofChristwithinus,thesiftingcanbringaboutnewfoundfreedomandalong-awaitedpeace.First,wehavetobehonest—steppingoutofdenial.

1.Whatchallengesdoyouthinkarecommontomostblendedmarriagesthataredifferentfromthoseofcoupleswhoareinafirstmarriage?

2.Whencomparedtoreallife,whatweresomeoftheunrealisticaspectsofTheBradyBunchTVseries?

3.IfanewrealityshowcalledBlendedFamilyLifewerecreated,whatwouldsomeoftheepisodesorscenarioslooklike?

BlendedFamilyLifeisnotfilmedonatelevisionset,anditiscertainlynotscriptedbysomecraftywriterswhocancontrolhoweachepisodewillend.Inthisnewrealityeverydayisanewdayandanewexperience.Outsideforcesaswellaspastemotionalandevenfinancialbaggagecanthreatenthismarriageateveryturn.Attimesthoseinablendedmarriagefeeltheproblemsaretoomuchtobear,toodifficulttoendure

andtoohardtolivethrough.Ittakeshumilityorbrokenness—andsometimesboth—foracoupleinablendedmarriagetoadmitthattheycannotadjusttosomeofthesenewdynamicswithouthelp.ThroughChristandHisstrength,theycannotonlysurvive,buttheycanalsoliveinstrengthandpower.

PlantingtheSeedLearningtorelyonGod’sstrengthisabiblicalbasicthatmostbelieversdonotseektolearnaboutGod’spoweruntiltheyarepressuredbytherealitiesofanot-so-perfectlife.Inablendedmarriage,relyingonGod’sstrengthandpowertosustainusisessentialtomakingittothefinishline.ItisalsoimportanttoseehowrelyingonGodmakesusstrongerthanwewerebefore.TheapostlePaulwrotefrequentlyinhisepistlesabouthis

weaknesses,hardshipsandbeingpressedhardoneveryside.Yetinspiteofthesehardshipsandtrials,hewasnotcrushed.HisjourneytohumilityanddependenceonJesusChristwaswhatmadehislifepurposefulandeffectiveintheend.Coulditbethatthechangesandchallengespressinginon

youasyoumaneuverthroughyourblendedmarriagewillmakeyourlifemorepurposefulandeffectiveintheend?DependenceonChristbeginswhenallyourpersonalresourcesaredepleted.Ifyouaredepleted—wornoutfromthechallengesandconfusedbyallthepiecesofthispuzzlecalled“theblendedfamily”—youareactuallyinagoodplace.Nowyouhaveachoice:Youcanmerelygothroughitoryoucangrowthroughit.Ifyouchoosetogrow—babystepbybabystep—youwillbeclosertoyourfullmaturityinChrist.

4.In2Corinthians1:3-4,howdidPauldescribetheLord?

Thedictionarydefinitionsfortwoofthewordsusedinthispassageare

Compassion:Asufferingwithanother;painfulsympathy;asensationofsorrowexcitedbythedistressormisfortunesofanother.[1]Comfort:Tostrengthen,toinvigorate,tocheerorenliven.Tostrengthenthemindwhendepressed;toconsole;togivenewvigor,torelievefromthedepressionoftroubles.[2]

5.Thinkofonecurrentchallengeyourmarriageisexperiencing.WhatcomestomindwhenyouthinkofGodtheFathersufferingwithyouinthatchallenge?

WhatcomestomindwhenyourealizethatinChristyoucanberelievedfromthedepressionthatoftencomeswithtroubles?

6.Accordingto2Corinthians1:3-7,whatisthepurposeofthecomfortwereceiveinourchallengesandsufferings?

7.In2Corinthians1:8-10,PaulexplainedthepressurehefacedwhileinAsia.Howlowdidthepressuretakehim?

8.WhatwasthepurposeofPaul’ssufferingsaccordingto2Corinthians1:9?

OnwhatdidPaulsethishope?

9.WhatwouldrelyingonGodandnotyourselflooklikeintherealworldofyourblendedmarriagerelationshipswithyourchildren,stepchildren,in-laws,exesandspouse?

10.ReadPsalm18—apsalmofdeliverance.DavidsangthispsalmtotheLordwhenhewasrescuedfromallhisenemies

andfromSaul(see2Samuel22:1-51).Whatversefromthispsalmspeakstoyoumostandwhy?

Psalm18:2describesseveralwaysthatGodisabletodeliverusfromharm.ListthecharacteristicsofGodinrelationtoHispeopleduringtimesoftrouble.

Whichcharacteristicdoyoumostneedinyourpresentsituation?Explainwhy.

Itisclearthatifweneedprotection,wearetolooktoGodwhoisall-powerful.Heisourrock.HecannotbemovedandHisfaithfulnessisnotaltered,despitetheever-changingcircumstancesoflife.Heisalwaysaplaceofsafetyandrefuge:arock,afortress,ashield,thestrengthofoursalvationandourstronghold.InherbookBlendedFamilies,authorMaxineMarsolini

quotessomealarmingfacts.

MorethanhalfofAmericanstodayhavebeen,arenow,orwilleventuallybeinoneormorestep-situationsduringtheirlives.Whyshouldthisstatisticalarmus?Becausethestepfamilypopulationisgrowingeachyear.TheNationalInstituteofChildHealthandHumanDevelopment’snewestdemographicprojectionsshowthatbytheyear2000moreAmericanswillbelivinginstepfamiliesthaninnuclearfamilystructures.TheInstituteenlistedDr.JamesBraytobeginan

extensivestudyofthestepfamily.In1984heandhisgrouplaunchedwhatbecameanine-yearstudyoffamilieslivingwithastepparent,inparticularastepfather.Oneofthefindingsofhisresearchwasthehighincidenceofdivorceinsecondmarriages.Nearly60percentoftheseunionswerenotsurviving.Manyfailedtomakeitpastthefirsttwoyears.[3]

Statisticsliketheseremindusthatconflictsinaremarriagearepartoftheunchartedterritory.ItalsoisareminderthatnotonlydoweneedthecomfortandcompassionofGod,butwealsoneedHisstrengthanddeliverance—forsuchatimeasthis.

LivinginHisStrength

Thereisastoryin2Chronicles20aboutKingJehoshaphatandhowhehandledthenewsofpendingtrouble.Inthischapterwecanfindmanythingsthatwillhelpusstaystrongnomatterhowmanydifficultsituations,obstaclesorseemingenemiesweface.

11.In2Chronicles20:1-3,whatthreatwasJehoshaphatfacing,whatwashisimmediatereactionandhowdidherespondtothethreat?

12.Describeatimeinyourlifewhenitfeltlikeanenemyarmywascomingagainstyou.Whatwasyourimmediatereactionandhowdidyourespondtothethreatofdangerordiscomfort?

Inthispassagewecanseethreesignificantthings:

1. Jehoshaphatwasinformedinadvance.2. Jehoshaphatwasimmediatelyalarmedbywhatheknewtobecoming.

3. JehoshaphatmadethedecisiontoseektheLord.

Thoseofusinablendedmarriagehavebeeninformedinadvancebyfactsandstatisticsthatlifewillsometimesbehard,evenseeminglyimpossible,toendure.Jesushasalsowarnedusthatwewouldhavetroublesinthislife(seeJohn16:33).Thisis

alarminginour“Ijustwanttobehappy”culture.Ourculturehasconditionedustowatchoutfornumberoneandtofollowourownheart.Yet2Chronicles20teachesthatwhenwearealarmedbylife’schallenges,weneedtofocusontheLordandseekHishelp.

13.WhatdoesJeremiah17:9sayaboutthehumanheart?

ItisimportanttorememberthatGodisalwaysworkinginusattheheartlevel.Thoughtheworldaroundusmayseemoutofcontrolandourcircumstancesmayseemcrazy,Godisalwaysatwork.Hismainconcernisourspiritualmaturityandourwalkoffaith.IfourchallengestakeustoaplaceoftotaldependenceonGod,thentheyhaveaccomplishedthegreatestpurposeofall.

14.HowdoesJeremiah17:5-8relatetothechallengesofblendingabrokenfamily?

LivingThroughtheChallenges

Ablendedmarriageisfullofchange.WecanseehowtohandlechangebylookingagainatKingJehoshaphat.TherearethreecharacteristicsofhisrelationshipwithGodthatwillalsobenefitus(see2Chronicles20:1-12):

Confession:Lord,Iamalarmedathowdifficultthisnewlifeis!Praise:Lord,IhonorYouwithmypresentlifeandcircumstances.PowerandmightareinYourhands;Youknowwhatitwilltaketobringustogether!Humility:Wedon’tknowwhattodowiththissituation,butoureyesareonYou.

15.WhatdidGodpromiseJehoshaphatin2Chronicles20:15-17?

WhatinstructionsdidHegivetothekingandthepeoplethatrelatedirectlytoadifficultsituation—avastarmy?

Avastarmycanbeanythingthatistoobigforustohandle.Weallfacesuchbattlesfromtimetotime.Statisticsaboutthedifficultiesofblendingafamilycouldhaveuscowerinfearforthesurvivalofourblendedmarriage.ButGodsaysthebattleisnotours,it’sHis.NoticethatHetoldJehoshaphattwicetonotbeafraidordiscouraged.

16.Whatdoyouthink“takeupyourpositionsandstandfirm”(2Chronicles20:17)meansinaneverydayblendedmarriage?

17.Describeatimewhenyourealizedthatyouwereinasituationthatwasbeyondyourabilitytohandle.Whatdidyoulearnfromthissituation?

Threeclear-cutactionsofJehoshaphatshouldserveasanexampleinanytypeofbattle:

1. Takeupyourposition.2. Standfirm.3. SeethedeliveranceoftheLord.

TakeUpYourPositionEphesians2:1-10describesourpositioninChrist.

18.AccordingtoEphesians2:4-6,whatdidChristdoforus?

Howshouldbeinginthispositiongiveuscouragetofaceanything?

WhatparallelsexistbetweenyourblendedrelationshipandwhatChristdidforyouasdescribedinEphesians2:4-6?

StandFirm

19.Ephesians6:10-14speaksofstandingfirmagainstthedevil’sschemes.Whatspecificthingscanyouidentifyaspotentialschemesagainstyourblendedfamily?

20.Whatdoes1Peter5:8-9sayaboutyourenemyandwhatyourresponseshouldbe?

It’smucheasiertothinkthatapersonisourenemy—andpeoplecertainlydothingstoattackandhurtus.Butpartofstandingfirmisrealizingwhotherealenemyis.Thedevil’sschemeistodestroyyournewfamily,robyouofyourpeaceandintegrity,anduseeveryopportunitytonegativelyaffectyourchildren.

21.John10:10-11comparesthedifferencesbetweenathiefandashepherd.Whatdoesthethiefcometodo?Whathasthe“thief”triedtostealfromyourmarriage?

Whatdoestheshepherdcometodo?Howhaveyouexperiencedthisinyourrelationship?

SeetheDeliveranceoftheLord

22.WhatdoesHebrews2:14-18sayregardingGod’sabilitytodeliveryoufrompresenttroubles?

God’smostpowerfuldescriptionofHimselfisrecordedinExodus3:14whenHesays,“IAMWHOIAM.”Heis

everythingthatisperfect,excellentandholy.Hewasfromthebeginningandwillbeuntiltheend.Heis

EVERYTHINGyouwilleverneedforcomfortwheninthebattlezone;EVERYTHINGyouwilleverneedwhenseekingguidance,directionandcounsel;EVERYTHINGyouwilleverneedwhencalledtolovechildrenandfamilywhoaren’tyourown;EVERYTHINGyouwilleverneedwhenyoumustturntheothercheek;EVERYTHINGyouwilleverneedtoriseabovethenaturaltendenciesofthefleshnatureinordertowalkintheSpiritinthisnewmarriageanditsdynamics.

WateringtheHopeConsiderthefollowing:

Annietooktocryingintheshower.Onlythreemonthsintothisnewmarriageandherdreamlifehadalreadybecomeanightmare.Jim’schildrendidn’tlikeher;hisex-wifeclaimedthatAnniewasn’tgoodfortheirthreechildrenandconstantlyunderminedanygoodthingshehadaccomplishedwithherstepchildren;andhernewin-lawshadtrustissuesandanoverprotectivespirittowardtheirsonandhischildren.Neverhavingbeenamotherbefore,shehadhopedtobeSuperStepmom,notWickedStepmother.Asshecrieduncontrollablyintheshower—wherenoonecouldhear—shewascertainthatshehadmadethebiggestmistakeofherlife.ItseemedtoAnniethatshewastheonewhohadto

continuallyforgoherneeds,feelingsordesirestokeepthepeace.ShehadquicklylearnedherneedtoconfesseachhardshiptotheLordasitoccurred.ShealsolearnedthatshehadtotrustinGod’spowerandmight,notherown.

Afterall,shehadrunoutofherownstrengthalongtimeago!Forthefirsttimeinherlifeshelonged,reallylonged,toknowGodastheFatherofcompassionandthesourceofallcomfort—butcomfortseemedelusive.Inthefirstthreemonthsofmarriage,Anniehad

consideredleavingonfiveoccasions;shecouldn’tstandthepainanylonger.Thenthatstill,smallvoiceinhersoulremindedhernotonlyofhercommitmentandcovenantwithGodandtoJimbutalsoofthegreatergoodthatsuchhardtimeswouldlaterproduceinherspiritually.Butshedidn’tknowifshecouldstandfirmandsurvivethehardshipspiledoneontopofanother.[4]

23.TowhatinAnnieandJim’ssituationcanyourelate?

24.Whatisapersoninaremarriagetodowheneveryoneseemsunfairlyalignedagainsthimorher?

25.WhatcouldJimdothatwouldbemoresupportiveofAnnieandtheirsituation?

WhatpracticalstepscouldAnnietaketoalleviateasmuchstressandpainaspossible?

26.Considerthekeyverseforthissession,2Corinthians12:9-10,onceagain.Whatismadeperfectinourtimesofweaknessandwhatarewetodoinourweaknesses?

“Delight”means“totakegreatpleasurein”or“torejoice.”[5]WhydoyouthinktheapostlePaulwasabletosaythathecould“delightinweaknesses,ininsults,inhardships,inpersecutions,indifficulties”?Thereisnomistakingthateveryblendedmarriagefaces

challenges.Itisalsotruethatwithinthesechallengeswecanbechangedforthebetter,experiencethepowerofChrist

restingonusandbeblessedwithcomfortthatwillinturncomfortothersandgivethemhope.“Onethingforsure—blendingdoesn’tjusthappen.Wepurposelyjourneyintoit.Andittakesyears.”[6]

HarvestingtheFruitEverymarriageencounterschallengesandhardships.Whetherit’sthefirsttimearoundoraremarriage,centeringyourmarriageonarelationshipwithJesusChristwillgiveyouhopeandstrengthinthetoughtimes.

27.Evaluatetheneedsinyourrelationshiptoday.Whatchallengesareyouupagainstthatwouldrequireyoutotakeupyourposition,standfirmandseethedeliveranceoftheLord?Communicatewithyourmateaboutthesechallenges.

28.Togethermakealistofactionsyoucouldeachtaketolightentheother’sload,showingsupportforoneanotherwithinyournewfamilysituation.

Yourmarriageisthemostimportantrelationshipandthefoundationoftheentirefamily.Planadatewithyourspouseatleastonceaweek.Rememberthatthedateisnotthetimetodiscussyourchallenges.Instead,enjoyeachother,embraceyourloveandbuildyourrelationship.Yourproblemswillbewaitingforyouwhenyoureturn;tomorrowisanotherdaytoexperienceChrist’sbeingeverythingyouneed!Alsoschedulesomealonetimeinwhichthetwoofyoucan

prayerfullydiscussthechallengesyouareencounteringinblendingyourfamily.Thisshouldbearegularlyplannedtime,ideallyonceeachday,butatleasttwotothreetimeseachweek.

LivingWITHNEW

RelationshipsGodislove.Whoeverlivesinlovelivesin

God,andGodinhim.

1John4:16Threeissuesthatoftenwedgethemselvesbetweenmarriagepartnersinablendedmarriagearefinances,ex-spousesandthechildren.Becauseablendedmarriageisbuiltonthebrokenbedrockofpastrelationships,thingscangetrockyrealquick.Remnantsofpreviousresponsibilitiesandlingeringunspokenhurtscanfuelsomenastysituations.Learninganewlanguageoflove,onethatputsothersfirst,mayprovetobethehardestchallengeinthefamilydynamicsofablendedmarriage.Godcallsustoloveoneanother,butweoftendon’trelatethe

commandtoeverydaylife.WeaddconditionstoHiscommand,convincingourselvesthatthereisamenuofoptionsdependentonourpresentcircumstancesorthedynamicsofourcurrentrelationships.ItwouldbeeasytolearntoliveinGod’sloveifwewerealoneonamountaintoportuckedawayinacave.Thereinthequietnessandpeaceofnothavingtodealwithotherpeople,wecouldthinkaboutGod’sloveintheorybutnothavetoputitintopractice.Inthisplaceofseclusion,wecouldloveeverybodyandeverything.Nothingwouldstopus:nodisappointments,nodisagreements,noconflicts.Butaddupallthecomplexrelationshipsinablendedmarriage—in-laws,out-

laws,exesandchildren:yours,mineandours—andyouhavethepotentialforarealwaronyourhands.Anditallstartswithsaying,“Ido.”

TillingtheGroundMoreandmorepeoplewhoremarryfindthemselveswithaninstantfamily,saying“Ido”tomorethanjustaspouse—therearethekids,thein-laws,theout-laws(formerin-laws)theexesandthefamilypetsaswell.Nearlytwooutofthreeremarriagestodayinvolvechildrenfromapreviousmarriage,andmanynewlymarriedcouplesfindthattheword“stepfamily”bringsmorethantheybargainedfor.[1]

1.Whatdoyouthinkisthesinglemostdebatedissuebetweenhusbandandwifeinablendedmarriage?

2.Whencalledtolovechildrenthatarenottheirown,doyouthinkmostpeopleadjustnaturallyorhaveinternalstruggles?Why?

3.Ofthethreechallenges—finances,ex-spousesandthechildren—whichisthemostchallengingforyouasamarriedcoupletoday?Why?

Interestingly,allthreeareashavesomethingtodowiththefuturesecurityofthechildren.Iftherearechildreninyourblendedmix,theirlivesandheartsareimportanttoGod.AsChristianadults,wecannotteachthemabouttheloveofJesusifweliveinbitternessandunforgivenesstowardtheirotherparent.Wealsocannotplayaprotectiveroleintheirlivesifwearenotpartoftheirfinancialprovision.Fartoooften,bitternessandunforgivenesstowardtheex-spousefueltheclimateinblendedfamilyrelations.

PlantingtheSeedWhenChristiansfindthemselvesinaremarriage,theymightbecomeconcernedaboutthespirituallegacythathasseeminglybeenrobbedfromtheirfamilytree.Whatoncewasmeanttobeagodlyheritageforthenextgenerationnowappearstobeabrokenlimbonatreethathasbranchesshootingoutineverydirection.Takeheart,thereisstillalegacytoleave.Itmightnotbethe

originallegacythatyoudreamedofbutalegacynonetheless.WiththehelpofGod’sgraceandtheworkofHisSpirit,wecanstillleavealegacyofgrace,loveandforgiveness.Godhasthepowertoaccomplishthis,butHecallsustocooperatewithHiminthekingdomworkoflovingwhenitseemsthehardestthingtodo.

4.Accordingto1Corinthians13,whatarethecharacteristicsoflove?

Therearemanykindsoflove,includingromantic,brotherlyandfamiliallove.InthispassagetheGreekwordagape,denotingaffection,goodwill,benevolenceandunconditionallove,istranslated“love.”ItrepresentstheloveofGodforHispeople.[2]

5.Whichcharacteristicsofloveasstatedin1Corinthians13areaparticularchallengetoexpressinablendedmarriage?

Whichcharacteristicisbeinglivedoutinyourfamily?Whichistheoneyourfamilymostneedstoexperience?

6.Sometimeswedon’tfeellikethereisanounceofloveorbenevolenceleftinusforthepeoplewhocontinuallydisruptthepeaceofourhomes.Whatdo1John4:16andRomans5:5tellusaboutGod’slove?

SinceGodhaspouredHisloveintoourheartsbytheHolySpirit,howshouldthishaveanimpactonhowweasChristiansinblendedfamiliestreatoneanother?

7.AccordingtoRomans13:10,whatisastatementofloveandhowcanthisapplytoastepchild?Toanex-spouse,in-laworout-law?

8.SecondTimothy2:22instructsusto“pursuerighteousness,faith,loveandpeace.”Whatwouldthislooklikeinourrelationships?

Pursuingloveoftenrequiresachangeinlifestyle.ItcallsfordenialofselfforthesakeofobediencetothegreatercallofChrist.

9.Explorehow1John4:7-12givesafoundationforhowwearetorelatetoothers.Whatdoesverse12saywillbecompleteinuswhenwechaseafterlove?

NotethattheseversessayChristcameintotheworldthatwemightlivethroughHim.Christianagapeloveisnotaproductofouremotionsorfeelings;itdoesnotalwayscorrespondwithournaturalinclinations,nordoesitallowustopickandchoosewhowewillloveornotlove.God’sloveinusgivesustheabilitytoseekthebestforothers.TheloveofGodhasbeenplacedinourhearts,anditisonlybyHispowerthatwecanliveoutthatloveinourlives.

NewFoundations

10.WhatdoesMatthew7:24-27tellsusaboutbuildingalifefoundation?

11.AccordingtoMatthew22:37-40,whatshouldbethefoundationofourlifeinChrist?

12.Somepeopleseemimpossibletolove.Whatdothefollowingversestellusaboutthe“impossible”:Matthew17:20;Luke1:37;18:27;Hebrews11:6?

13.Anewheartfoundationispossibletoo.WhatdoesEzekiel36:26-27tellusaboutanewheart?

Afterreadingtheseversesdoyoustillthinkitisimpossibletolovesomeofthenewpeopleinyourlife?Whataboutwhenyouarewornoutandwoundedbyastepchild’sbehavior?Whataboutwhenyouarecontinuallytakentocourtbyarelentlessex-spouse?Whataboutthefinancialdrainofsupportingtwofamilies?Whataboutthetimesyourownspousebehavesunfairlytowardyourchild?Impossible?No,yourproblemsandimpossibilitiesarenowGod’spossibilities,andHeisthekeytocreatinghealthyrelationshipsinyourblendedfamily.

NewAttitudes

14.Colossians3:1-17describesrulesforholyliving.Howdotheseversesrelatetolivingwithdifficultrelationships?

15.Grievancesarepartoflifeinthisnewfamily.WhatdoesColossians3:13saywearetodointhesecases?

16.Nomatterhowdisjointedorconvolutedyourblendedfamilymayseem,itisstillafamilyunit.WhatdoesColossians3:15-16sayaboutlivingasaunit?

Thestepfamilyisnotanuclearfamily,butitisafamilynonetheless.Certainrealitiesareanormalpartoftheblendingprocess:

Expectoutsideinfluencestointrude.Expectchildrentofeeltornbetweenbothparents.Bepreparedforchange.Bewillingtomakesacrificesforthecommongood.Understandthatyourexpectationswillmostlikelyhavetobeadjusted.Defineloveascommitment,notmerelyfeelings.Rememberthateffectiveblendingdoesn’thappenovernight.Realizethatsometimesblendingdoesn’tgosmoothly.Becommittedtothecovenantofyourmarriageregardlessofcircumstances.

NewChoices

17.WhatdidJesusteachinLuke6:27-36?

Whatmightbesomeresults—bothgoodandbad—oflovingsomeoneasJesuscommandsustodointhispassage?

Oftentimesthereissomeoneinthenewrelationalmixthatisdifficulttolove.Thatpersonmightbeacontinualsourceofheartacheforyouandyourfamily.Christtaughtthateventhoughunbelieverslovethosewholovethem,Hisfollowersaretoloveregardlessofwhetherthatloveisreturned.

18.HowmightMatthew25:40relatetolovingsomeoneelse’schildorex?

19.WhatdoesColossians3:21sayaboutthewaywetreatourchildren—yours,mineorours?

20.Ephesians6:2-3tellsushowwearetotreatourparents.Whatshouldwebeteachingourchildrenabouttheir“otherfamily”?

Let’sbehonest.Itmightbeeasytobeunfairormorecriticalofourstepchildrenbecauseofdifferencesinpersonalityandtheirenvironment.YetasbelieverswearetoraisethestandardinourlivesandchoosetofollowtheexampleofChrist.Remember,withoutloveweareaclangingbell(see1Corinthians13:1)!

WateringtheHopeConsiderLarryandMarie’sstory.

Larrylovedwhenhischildrencamefortheweekend.Inhisexcitementofpreparingfortheirvisit,hecametolife—planningoutings,specialeventsandanythingelsethatwouldmaketheirtimetogetherspecial.Butontheweekendstheyweren’tscheduledtovisit,hewasusuallyawayfromhomehoninghisgolfgame.Marie’schildrenbelievedthattheyweren’timportantenoughforspecialeventsorforLarry’stime.Hisheartseemedtobereservedonlyforhisownchildren.Justlookingandlongingforlove,theholeintheheartsofMarie’schildrengrewwideranddeeperthroughtheyears.Bythetimetheywereintheirteens,theyjustcheckedoutofthefamilyaltogether.Mariewasfilledwithresentment.Whowasthismanwhoservedinministriesatchurchbutnevereventriedtoloveherchildren—hisstepchildren?Mariealsohadtocopewithintrusiveandhateful

telephonecallsfromherstepchildren’sbiologicalmother.ThewomantoldherchildrenthatMariewouldneverlovethemasmuchasshelovedthembecausetheycouldneverbeMarie’sbloodrelations.ShewasconstantlymakingupbizarrestoriesthatputMarieinabadlightwithher

stepchildrenThechildrengrewtohateMarie,makingherintothewickedstepmother.Larry,feelingtornbetweenhisnewwifeandhisownchildren,triedtopatchupthesituation,butitonlygrewworse.LarryandMarierealizedthatthefoundationoftheirnewfamilywasonshakyground,andthattheyhadquitcommunicatingbecauseofthedisappointmentandhurt.[3]

21.HowdoesPhilippians4:11-13relatetodifficultrelationships?

Philippians4:13isapromiseforeventhemostdifficultofsituations.Whatisthispromiseandhowcanweholdontoit?

22.WhatdoesRomans12:9-21sayaboutdealingwithdifficultpeople?

Howcansomeonerelatetoanintrusiveex-spouseorbitterchildwhilestillmaintainingtheintegrityofhisorherChristianwalk?

Remember,childrenlearnbywhatismodeledbeforethem.Doesyourinteractionwithyourstepchildoryourspouse’sexreflecttheloveofGod?AsyouareavesselofGod’slovetothatchild,youshowhimorherthetruthofGod’slove.AsyoushowGod’slovetoanex-spouse,youmaybeacatalystforpeaceinbothfamilies.

HarvestingtheFruitEveryblendedfamilywillhavestrugglesastheyadjusttooutsideinfluencesandpressures,andtostepchildrenandexes—eventograndparentsfrombothsidesofthefamily.Itisonly

throughourcommitmenttotheLordandtooneanotherthatwewillbeabletoseeitthroughtotheend.Thissideofheaven,nofamilyisperfect;butasweseektoliveoutChrist’sloveinourlives,wecanleavealegacyofloveforourfamilies.

23.Deuteronomy6:6-7andPsalm78:6speaktousaboutthelegacyweleave.Howdoesthisnotionoflegacyrelatetoyourblendedfamilytoday?

Inwhatlegacyhaveyouinvestedsofar?

Whatcouldyoudotoimproveyourfamily’slegacy?

24.Takeinventoryoftheneedsofyourchildren.Togetherwithyourspouseevaluatehowyourchildrenaredoing.Discusswhatproblemsneedtobeaddressedandhowthelegacyoflove,graceandforgivenesscanbeginhealingtheirheartsfromthebrokennessthathasaffectedallofyourlives.

Listonespecificactionthateachofyoucantaketobuildastrongerrelationshipwitheachchildinyourfamily.

25.Howaretheexesaffectingyourrelationship?

Listspecificactionsthatyoucantaketodoyourpart“asfarasitdependsonyou,[to]liveatpeacewitheveryone”(Romans12:18).

Perhapsthefollowing10rulesforconfidentstepparentingmighthelpasyoudealwiththerealitiesofblendingrelationshipsinyourfamily:

1. Beproudoftheroleyouareassuming.

2. Berealistic.Checkallrosyexpectationsatthedoor.3. Loveyourspouse.4. Beflexible.5. Respectyourself,sothechildrenwillbefreetorespectyou.

6. Rememberthatyouarenotareplacement.Youareanoriginal,craftedandequippedbyGodtomeetwhatevercomesyourway.

7. Taketimetoadjust,tolisten,topray,toplay.8. Letgoofdestructiveanger.9. Reachoutforhelpwhenyouneedit.10. Watchforinvisible,simpleblessings.[4]

26.Whichactionorattitudeinthislistwouldbemosthelpfulinyourpresentsituationandhowcanyouimplementit?

Committoyourspousetheimportanceofadjustingexpectations,ofhonoringeachotherbyhonoringoneanother’schildren,andofmakingeveryefforttoseekpeaceinallextendedrelationships.Talkaboutwhatthatwouldlooklikeandwhythatcouldbeuncomfortableatfirst.Togetherdecidetoalignyourlives,yourmindsandyourheartstothetruthinGod’sWordregardinghowyoutreatotherpeople.MemorizespecificversesfromRomans12:9-21thatwillhelpinspecificsituationswithwhichyouaredealingrightnow.

LivingWITH

NewHopeMaytheGodofhopefillyouwithalljoyandpeaceasyoutrustinhim,sothatyoumayoverflowwithhopebythepoweroftheHoly

Spirit.Romans15:13

Statisticsareclear:Mostremarriagesstruggletosurvive.[1]However,inChristwecanbemorethanastatistic—wecanhavehope.ThethingsthatthreatenthepeaceandstabilityofablendedmarriagecanbeviewedwithhopeandwithfaithinGod,whohasstartedagoodworkinusandwillmostcertainlyseeittocompletion(seePhilippians1:6).Whenhopewanes,wecanreflectonhowGodhasmetour

needsinthepast.Rememberinghowwehaveweatheredthestormsofpastrelationships,wecanclingtoHispromisesofahope-filledfuture(seeJeremiah29:11).Alsowhatwehavelearnedfrompastexperiencescanbeappliedforthegoodofourpresentrelationships.

TillingtheGroundHavinganeternalfocusisakeyingredientinchangingourattitudesamidthedynamicsofblendedfamilyliving.Thefocus

mustbeoffotherpeople,outsidecircumstancesandrelentlesschallenges,andturnedtowardJesusandourfuturewithHim.Thenewcryoftheheartshouldbe“Lord,changeme!”Thoughchangeishard,itisatthesametimefullofpersonalgrowthandthefulfillmentofknowingthatthroughitallChristisbeingformedinyou.

1.Howmanyblendedmarriagesdoyouknowthathavebecomeastatisticoffailure?Whatdoyoubelievewasakeyingredientinthefailureofthoserelationships?

2.Whatstepscancouplesinblendedmarriagestaketoinsurethattheirmarriagewillnotbeanotherstatisticalfailure?

3.Howdoesapersonchangehisorherfocusorattitude?Whyisattitudesoimportanttothequalityoflife?

Whyisattitudesoimportanttothequalityoflife?

4.Whathaveyoulearnedfromyourpastrelationshipsthatcangiveyouhopeforthefutureofyourpresentrelationship?

Whetheryouarecommittingtolovingastepchild,acceptinganex-spouseorbalancingajointcheckingaccount,youmustmakesuretokeepyourmarriagestrong.Initiallyinastepfamilyitmaybedifficultforthehusbandandwifetosolidifytheirrelationship—itisovershadowedbysomanyoutsideforces.Thespousemayfeellikeanintruderinthefamilyunit,butthebondofthehusbandandwifemustbestrongifthefamilyistostaytogether.EmilyVisher,atherapistinPaloAlto,California,says“It’s

hardtohaveahoneymooninthemiddleofacrowd,butyoureallyneedtonourishthecouplerelationship.”[2]Ifthecoupleloseshope,theentirefamilyfails.Aremarriagesucceedsbest

whenthereisampletimeforbeingacouple,strengtheningthecovenantofmarriageandgrowingasoneinChrist.

PlantingtheSeedTherearetwowaysofapproachinglifeinablendedmarriage:asvictimsorasvictors.Formany,victimthinkingcanstealthehope,joyandgratitudefromwhatGodhasprovidedinthisnewmateandnewfamily.LostexpectationsfromdaysgonebycanmaketheglassseemhalfemptywheninactualityitcanbefilledbyGodHimselfeachday.Ungratefulnessornegativitycanblindyoutothegoodandcompletelyalteryourfocus.

5.WhatdoesGalatians5:1sayaboutlivingoutsideGod’sbest?Howcanhavinganout-of-focuslifebecome“ayokeofslavery”?

Christsetusfreeforaverydistinctpurpose.Heintendedforustoliveasthosewhowerefreedfromthebondageandslaveryofselfishnessandsin.

6.HowcanGalatians5:7-10berelatedtoblendedfamilydynamics?

Justasatinysparkcanstartaragingfire,amisspokenwordoraselfishattitudemaystartaragingargumentinatensesituation.WhensomethingorsomeonecutsoffthegoodworkofGodinourmidst,rememberthatthetemptationtogobacktoouroldwaysofhopelessnesscomesfromourenemy,thedevil.

7.Galatians5:13-15remindsusofourfreedominChrist.Whatkindsofblendedfamilysituationscantripusup,destroyingourfreedom?

WhatdoesGalatians5:15sayregardingourinteractionwithothers?

HowcanweliveoutthecommandofGalatians5:16?

8.HowaretheactsofthefleshnatureaslistedinGalatians5:19-21relatedtotheattitudesandactionsoftenrepresentedinblendedfamilydynamics?

9.Incontrast,whatarethefruit,orevidences,oftheSpiritaslistedinGalatians5:22-23?

InwhatwayshaveyouexperiencedtheeffectsofthefruitoftheSpiritinyourownfamilysituation?

Whichfruitisthemostdifficultforyoutopersonallyapply?Why?

10.Galatians5:25isakeyverseremindingustostayinstepwiththeHolySpirit.Whatisitsayingtoyouregardingyourblendedmarriagerelationship?

Thereisasaying,FeedtheSpirit—starvetheflesh.Whatyoufeedwillbewellnourishedandwillgrow;whatisleftunfedwillshrivelupanddie.Choicesproducechanges.Jesuswasanencourager.EverywhereHewent,Heoffered

hopetothehurtinganddowncast.He’stheGodofthesecond,thirdandfourthchance—Hismerciesareneweverymorning(seeLamentations3:23).

ChoosingtoHope

11.Lamentations3:18-24describestheauthor’smanyafflictionsandyethestillhashope.Whatpracticalencouragementisfoundintheseverses?

12.HowmightHebrews3:13applytodailylifeinablendedmarriage?

13.InJohn8:3-11wecanlearnthevalueofcompassionandagentlewordasweseeJesusinteractwithsinfulhumannature.SinceJesus—whoneversinned—didn’tthrowstones,howcanweapplythissameattitudeinourowninteractionswithothers?

Sadly,encouragementisoneingredientoftenmissinginthevariedrelationshipsofablendedfamily.Asfamilybattlelinesaredrawn,weoftenfeellikeit’susagainstthemratherthanafamilythatislearningtoloveoneanother.Inanyfamily,lovemustbelearned;butinastepfamily,loveusuallydoesnotcomenaturally—itrequiresconcentratedeffort.InChristtheunnaturalcomestolifewithHissupernaturaltouch.

ChoosingtoStay

Everymarriage—whethertheoriginaldreamoranewchanceatlove—cangetoutoffocus.Firstmarriageshavestrugglesjustasblendedmarriagesdo,yettwopeopleinaremarriagewhohavecometogetherafterthelossoflovemaybecomefrustratedmorereadilyandbemoreeasilytemptedtothrowinthetowelsooner.Divorceshouldnotbeanoption.Acommitmenttostayeventhroughthemostdifficultofadjustmentswillgivetheotherpartnerthefeelingofsafetytolearnandgrowinthisnewfamily.

14.HowdoesMatthew12:25(compareMark3:25andLuke11:17)relatetoatroubledmarriagerelationship?

15.Howcanknowingthatyourspouseiscommittedtostayinginyourmarriagestrengthenyourrelationship?

Psalm127:1speaksdirectlytothefoundationofanyfamily,butablendedfamilymayhavemoreopportunitiesforthefoundationtodevelopstressfracturesandbegintocrumble.IftheLordisnotyourfirmfoundation,yourhomeisbuiltonshakyground.YouandyourspouseneedtoconfirmthatyouareinthisrelationshipforthelonghaulandcommitthatyouwillrelyontheLordforthestrengthtostay.

ChoosingtoConnect

IftheLordisgoingtobuildanythingoflastingvalueinourlife,wemustfirstbeconnectedtoHim.OurconnectionwithHimfostersloveforothers.

16.John15:4tellsustodosomethingthatrequiresdailychoice.Whatmustwedoto“remainin”Christ?

17.WhatisthepromiseofJohn15:5?Howhaveyouexperiencedthispromiseinyourrelationship?

18.AccordingtoJohn15:7-8,whatistheultimateresultofremainingconnectedtotheLord?

DailyprayerandScripturereadingareoftenoverlookedintheday-to-daybusynessofourlives—thatis,untilthereisacrisis.ConnectingdailywiththeLordisextremelyimportantifwearetomeetthedemandsofeachday.Justasweneedfoodtofuelourbodies,weneedspiritualnourishmenttofueloursouls.WemustrealizethepowerofaskingGodforHishelp,guidanceandgracetodealwithallthatlifethrowsatus.Heishonored,willingtorespondandultimatelyglorifiedthroughourconnectiontothepowersource—HisSpirit.

ChoosingGodlyWisdom

AswestayconnectedtoGodthroughprayerandreadingHisWord,wewillgainknowledgeandwisdomthatcanhelpusasweblendourfamily.

19.HowdoesProverbs24:3-4relatetotheblendedfamily?

Howcanknowledgefillahomewithrareandbeautifultreasures?

Whatwouldthosetreasuresbe?

20.WhatdoesProverbs24:14sayabouthope?

21.Proverbs8:10-11and9:10-11instructthatwehaveachoice.Howdoesthisrelatetoyoursituation?

22.HowcanJeremiah29:11-13beasourceofhopeduringdifficulttimes?

Everydaywemakechoices.Someareassimpleaschoosingwhatclothestowearorwhattofixfordinner.Butothershavegreaterconsequences.ChoosingtoplacehopeinourlovingheavenlyFather,tocommittostayingwithourspouseforbetterandforworse,todailyconnectwiththeLordthroughprayerandHisWord,andtorelyonHiswisdomandgrowinourknowledgeofHimwillhaveeternalresults.

WateringtheHopeConsiderJamesandDonna’sstory.

JamesandDonnahavebeenmarriedalittleoverayear.Theyarebothintheirthirdmarriage.Donna’s17-year-oldson,Nick,theappleofhereye,liveswiththem.Nickonlyseeshisbirthfatherafewtimesayearbecausehelivesover2,000milesaway.Jameshasnochildrenofhisown.ThethoughtofbeingastepparentwasexcitingtoJames.BothJamesandNickhavecommoninterestsinsportsandtheoutdoors,butNickisabusyhighschoolsenior,whichmakesitdifficultforthetwoofthemtospendtimetogether.Nickattimesseemstobehungryforarelationshipwith

James,butlatelyhehasbeenmoreandmoreantagonistic.WheneverthereisabigblowupbetweenNickandJames,DonnafeelstheneedtostepinandprotectNick.ThenJamesandDonnaendupinaheatedargument.SometimestheblowupsareovernormalteenageissuesasNickstrainstobeanadultandyetstillactslikeakid.ThereallyseriousblowupsoftenseemtobedirectlyrelatedtothosetimeswhenNick’sfatherhasdisappointedNick.ThestressisbeginningtowearonJames,andhehasbeguntowonderifthismarriageisworththepainitiscausing.Jameshasdecidedtoseekcounseling.Jamesconfideshisfrustrationstohiscounselor.“Idon’t

feellikeI’mnumberonetoDonna,”hesayswithfrustration.“IfeelNickis.I’mherhusband,soI’msupposedtobeherpriority.”“Tobeginwith,”thecounselorsays,“youneedto

understandthatDonnaandhersonhavehadarelationshipfor17years.Youhaveonlybeenintheirlivesforashorttime.Itwon’tpayforyoutocovetthebondtheyhaveasmotherandson.Whatdifferencedoesitmakeifyouare100percentright—ifyouwinthebattleandlosethewar?UnderstandthesourceofmostofyourconflictswithNick;hemaybeprojectinghisangerathisownfatherontoyou.Nickneedsastepdadandahomethatarearefugeforhim:someonehecancountontobethereforhim,aplace

wherehecanexpresshisfeelingshonestlyandstillfeelloved.”[3]

23.WhatcouldJamesdotostrengthenhisrelationshipwithNick?WithDonna?

Wheredoyouseehopeintheirsituation?

24.WhataboutDonnaandJames’ssituationcanyourelateto?

25.Proverbs4:23tellsustoguardourheartsaboveallelse,foroutofourheartsthesubstanceofourlivesflows.Howcanapersonguardhisorherheartagainstunrealisticexpectations,unmetneedsorundeservedattacks?

26.WhatdoesProverbs4:25-27tellustodothatcanbeapplieddailyinablendedfamily?

27.Jeremiah31:3-4hasamessageofGod’slovethatispertinentforthoseinablendedmarriage.Whathopedoyoufindinthispassage?

HarvestingtheFruit

28.Whatgivesyouthemosthopeforyourrelationship?

Whatpresentlymakesyoufeelthemosthopeless?

29.WhatScripturepassage(s)fromthissessionencouragedhopeinyou?Why?

Whathaveyoulearnedfromyourpastrelationship(s)thathasactuallyhelped—evengivenyouhope—inyourpresentrelationship?

MemorizespecificScripturesthathavespokentoyouinthissession.ThatwayGod’sWordwillbeanencouragementforyouwhenyoumostneedit.

30.Sharewithyourspouseyourcommitmenttostaytogetherforbetterandforworse.Howwillyouputthiscommitmentintoaction?Listoneactionthatyoupersonallywilltakethisweektocommunicatecommitmenttoyourspouse.

31.StrengthenyourcommitmenttoconnecttoChristforhelp,hopeandhealing.WhatisonespecificactionthatyoucantakeasacoupletostrengthenyourcommitmenttoChrist?

Asyoushareyouranswerswithyourspouse,behonestabouttheareasyouarestrugglingwithandtaketimetoprayforoneanothernowandthroughoutthecomingweeks.SharewitheachotherwhatencourageshopeinyouandexpressyourthankstoGodforHisloveandencouragementinyourlifetogether.Inthoseareasinwhichyoustruggle,chooseoneactionthatyoucantakenowtostrengthenyourrelationshipwithoneanother.Asyoubegintoseeresults,praisetheLordforHisfaithfulness.Committodoingweekly,monthlyandyearlycheckupsof

yourrelationshipswitheachotherandwithGod.Formulatenewactionplansaspreviousstrugglesarerectified.

LEADER’S

DiscussionGuide

GeneralGuidelines

1.Ifatallpossible,thegroupshouldbeledbyamarriedcoupleinablendedmarriage.Thisdoesnotmeanthatbothspousesneedtobeleadingthediscussions;perhapsonespouseisbetteratfacilitatingdiscussionswhiletheotherisbetteratrelationshipbuildingororganization—buttheleadercoupleshouldshareresponsibilitieswhereverpossible.

2.Atthefirstmeeting,besuretolaydownthegroundrulesfordiscussions,stressingthatfollowingtheseruleswillhelpeveryonefeelcomfortableduringdiscussiontimes.a.Nooneshouldshareanythingofapersonalorpotentiallyembarrassingnaturewithoutfirstaskinghisorherspouse’spermission.

b.Toomuchpersonalinformationregardingdetailsofcourtcases,custodybattlesorex-spousesshouldbediscouragedasitcanbedishonoringtothoseinvolved.

c.Whateverisdiscussedinthegroupmeetingistobeheldinstrictestconfidenceamonggroupmembersonly.

d.Alloweveryoneinthegrouptoparticipate.However,asaleader,don’tforceanyonetoansweraquestionifheorsheisreluctant.Besensitivetothedifferentpersonalitiesandcommunicationstylesamongyourgroupmembers.

3.Fellowshiptimeisveryimportantinbuildingsmall-grouprelationships.Providingbeveragesand/orlightrefreshmentseitherbeforeoraftereachsessionwillencourageatimeofinformalfellowship.

4.Mostpeopleliveverybusylives;respectthetimeofyourgroupmembersbybeginningandendingmeetingsontime.

HowtoUsetheMaterial

1.Eachsessionhasmorethanenoughmaterialtocoverina45-minuteteachingperiod.Youwillprobablynothavetimetodiscusseverysinglequestionineachsession,soprepareforeachmeetingbyselectingquestionsyoufeelaremostimportanttoaddressforyourgroup;discussotherquestionsastimepermits.Besuretosavethelast10minutesofyourmeetingtimeforeachcoupletointeractindividuallyandtopraytogetherbeforeadjourning.OptionalEight-SessionPlan—Youcaneasilydivide

eachsessionintotwopartsifyou’dliketocoverallofthematerialpresentedineachsession.Eachsectionofthesessionhasenoughquestionstodivideinhalf,andtheBiblestudysections(PlantingtheSeed)aredividedintotwoorthreesectionsthatcanbetaughtinseparatesessions.

2.Eachspouseshouldhavehisorherowncopyofthebookinordertopersonallyanswerthequestions.Thegeneralplanofthisstudyisthatthecouplescompletethequestionsathomeduringtheweekandthenbringtheirbookstothemeetingtosharewhattheyhavelearnedduringtheweek.However,therealityofleadingsmallgroupsinthisday

andageisthatsomememberswillfinditdifficulttodothehomework.Ifyoufindthattobethecasewithyourgroup,consideradjustingthelessonsandhavingmemberscompletethestudyduringyourmeetingtimeasyouguidethemthroughthelesson.Ifyouusethismethod,besuretoencouragememberstosharetheirindividualanswerswiththeirspouseduringtheweek—perhapsonadatenight.

SessionOne LivingtheUnexpected

BeforetheMeeting

1. Gathermaterialsformakingnametags.Alsogatherpensorpencils,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.

2. Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3. Readthroughyourownanswersandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightkeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.

4. Prepareslipsofpaperwiththereferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.

IceBreakers

1.Ifthisisthefirstmeetingforthiscouplesgroup,haveeveryoneintroducethemselvesandtellthegroupabriefsummaryofhowtheymettheirspouse,howlongtheyhavebeenmarriedandoneinterestingfactabouttheirspouse.Besuretoremindthemnottorevealanythingthattheirspousewouldbeuncomfortablesharingabouthim-orherself.

2.Useoneofthefollowingicebreakerstohelpmembersbecomebetteracquainted:a.Option1—Askeachcoupletosharethefunniestthingthathappenedattheirwedding.

b.Option2—Askeachcoupletosharethebiggestsurprisethey’vediscoveredaboutblendingtheirfamily.

3.Beginwithprayer.

Discussion

1.TillingtheGround—Thepurposeofthissectionistogetthegroupinvolvedinadiscussionofthetopicathand.Thesequestionswillusuallybeofalighter,moregenerictone.Invitevolunteerstosharetheiranswerstothesequestions.

2.PlantingtheSeed—ThissectionistheBiblestudyandisintendedtolayoutthebiblicalconceptsforthesession.Besuretohavetheversesthatyoufeelarekeyreadaloudduringthistimefordiscussion.Youdonotneedtodiscusseveryquestion.Youcanskipanyquestionsofapersonalnature,butencouragecouplestoanswertheseduringtheHarvestingtheFruittimewiththeirspouse.

3.WateringtheHope—ThecasestudyandquestionsinthissectionwillhelpmembersbringtheBiblestudyintotherealitiesoftheirownblendedfamily.Don’tneglectthispartofthestudy,asitbringsthewholelessonintothehereandnow,applyingGod’sWordtodailylife.Haveeachcouplepairupwithanothercoupletoreadthe

casestudyanddiscussthequestions.4.HarvestingtheFruit—Thissectionismeanttohelpeachcoupleapplythelessontotheirownmarriageandcanbehandledinseveralways.a.Allowcouplesone-on-onetimetointeractattheendofthemeeting.Thiswouldrequiretimeforthemtobealone,withenoughspacebetweencouplestoallowforprivateconversation.Ifcoupleshavealreadyansweredthequestionsindividually,nowwouldbethetimetosharetheiranswers.Ifcoupleshavenotansweredthequestionsbeforethemeeting,allowtimeforthemtoanswerthequestionstogethernow.

b.Instructcouplestodiscussthissectionathomeduringtheweekafterthemeeting.Thiswillgivethemquiet,privatetimetodealwithanyissuesthatmightcomeup

andtospendallthetimeneededtocompletethediscussion.Youwillwanttofollowupatthenextmeetingtoholdcouplesaccountableforcompletingthispartofthelesson.

c.Attimesitmightbeadvantageoustopairuptwocouplestodiscussthesequestions.Thiswouldalsohelpbuildaccountabilityintothestudy.

Allowtimefortheindividualcouplestomeettogethertocompletethissectionofthequestions.5.CloseinPrayer—Animportantpartofanysmall-grouprelationshipisthetimespentinprayerforoneanother.Thismaybeaccomplishedinanumberofways.a.Havecoupleswriteouttheirspecificprayerrequestsontheindexcards.Ifrequestsaresharedwiththewholegroup,prayasagroupbeforeadjourningthemeeting;ifrequestsaretraded,allowtimefortheprayer-partnercouplestopraytogether.

b.Gatherthewholegrouptogetherandleadcouplesinguidedprayer.

c.Haveindividualcouplespraytogether.d.Splitthemembersintotwogroupsbygender.Havethemprayovertheirmarriages,askingGodtorevealanyissuesthattheyneedtoworkonintheirblendedfamily.

AftertheMeeting

1.Evaluate—Spendtimeevaluatingthemeeting’seffectiveness.

2.Encourage—Duringtheweek,trytocontacteachcouple(throughphonecalls,notesofencouragement,e-mailsorinstantmessages)andwelcomethemtothegroup.Makeyourselfavailabletoansweranyquestionsorconcernstheymayhaveandgenerallygettoknowthem.Thiscontactmightbestbedonebythehusband-leadercontactingthemenandthewife-leadercontactingthewomen.

3.Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy,evenifyouhavepreviouslygonethroughthisstudytogether.

4.Pray—Prayerfullyprepareforthenextmeeting,prayingforeachcoupleandyourownpreparation.DiscusswiththeLordanyapprehension,excitementoranythingelsethatisonyourmindregardingyourBiblestudymaterialand/orthegroupmembers.Ifyoufeelinadequateorunprepared,askforstrengthandinsight.Ifyoufeeltiredorburdened,askforGod’slightyoke.Whateveritisyouneed,askGodforit.Hewillprovide!

Reminder:Inyourdesiretoservethemembersofyourgroup,don’tneglectyourownmarriage.Spendqualitytimewithyourspouseduringtheweek!

SessionTwo LivingwithNewChallenges

BeforetheMeeting

1. Gathermaterialsformakingnametags.Alsogatherpensorpencils,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.

2. Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3. Readthroughyourownanswersandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightkeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.

4. Prepareslipsofpaperwiththereferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.

IceBreakers

1. Greetmembersastheyarriveandgivethemanindexcardtorecordprayerrequests.

2. Invitecouplestosharehowtheyappliedwhattheylearnedinlastweek’ssessiontotheirrelationship.

3. Askvolunteerstoshareonepraiseorgoodthingthathappenedduringthepastweek.ThisisanopportunityforthosewhomightnotalwaysseethegoodinthingstolearnhowtoexpressgratitudeandthanksgivingtoGodnomatterwhatthecircumstance.

4. Beginwithprayer.

Discussion

1. TillingtheGround—Invitevolunteerstosharewhatchallengestheythinkareprobablythemostcommoninblendedmarriagesbutnotanissueinfirstmarriages.Discusstheanswerstotherestofthequestionsastimeallows.

2. PlantingtheSeed—Formgroupsoffourtodiscussthequestionsinthissection.

3.WateringtheHope—Allowsmallgroupstocontinuethediscussionandhavethemsharetheiranswerstoquestion25withthewholegroup.

4.HarvestingtheFruit—Invitecouplestosharetheiranswerswiththeirspouse.

5. CloseinPrayer—Havecouplespraytogether.Ascouplesleave,haveeachoneselectanindexcardwithanothercouple’sprayerrequest.Askthemtoprayforthecoupleinthecomingweekandcontactthemviaphone,e-mailorpersonalnote.

AftertheMeeting

1. Evaluate—Spendtimeevaluatingthemeeting’seffectiveness.

2. Encourage—Contacteachcoupleduringtheweekandseehowtheyaredoing.Askiftheyhavehadadatewiththeirspouseandiftheyhaveachallengeforwhichtheywouldlikecontinuingprayersupport.Praywiththemoverthephone.

3. Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy.4. Pray—Praythateachcouplewouldhavethefreedomandfocustoprayerfullyconsidereachotherandhowthechallengesoftheblendedmarriagehaveaffectedthem.PraythatGodwillcontinuetogivethemthegraceandstrengththeyneedtothriveintheirblendedmarriage.

SessionThree LivingwithNewRelationships

BeforetheMeeting

1. Gathermaterialsformakingnametagsinadditiontoextrapens,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.

2. Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3. Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.

4. Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.

5. Haveakitchenblendersittingonatableasafocalpoint.Alsobringarecipeforafruitsmoothieandarecipeforanothertypeoffoodandtheingredientsforeachrecipe.Thesewillbeusedduringtheicebreaker.

IceBreakers1.Handanindexcardtoeachmemberasheorsheenterstheroom.Encouragememberstoatleastwritetheirnamesandphonenumbers,eveniftheydon’thaveanyrequests.Remindmembersthateveryoneneedssomeonetoprayforthem,evenifthereisnospecificneed.

2.Usetheblenderasavisualaidtoremindeachcouplethatwhentheycametogetherinablendedrelationship,otherswerethrownintothecontainerwiththem:allotherrelatives,pets,children,memories,traditions,etc.Explainthatyouaregoingtomakeafruitsmoothie.Then

startaddingtheingredients,butpartwaythroughtherecipeswitchtotheotherrecipeandstartaddingsomeofthoseingredients(thiswouldbeespeciallyeffectiveifthesecondrecipehasonions,garlicorothersmelly

ingredients).Someonewillprobablyprotest.Ifnot,goaheadandblendtheingredientsfrombothrecipes,andthenaskifanyonewouldliketotastetheconcoction.Explainthatwhenweareblendingourfamiliesweneedtofollowtherecipe—God’sWord—tomaketheblendpalatable.

3.Invitecouplestosharewhatthevisualoftheblenderandthemixed-uprecipesinvokesinthem.

Discussion

1. TillingtheGround—Discussquestions1and2.Question3canbediscussedbythecouplesduringtheHarvestingtheFruittime.

2. PlantingtheSeed—LeadthewholegroupthroughtheBiblestudydiscussion.

3.WateringtheHope—Discussthissectionasagroup,invitingvolunteerstosharetheirthoughtsonthequestions.

4.HarvestingtheFruit—Haveindividualcouplessharetheiranswersinprivate.Inclosing,readthe10rulesforconfidentstepparentingandinvitememberstoselectthemosthelpfulone,basedontheirownexperience.Ifthereistime,invitethemtosuggestadditionalrules.

5. CloseinPrayer—Haveeachcouplepairupwithanothercoupleandpraytogether.Invitethemtoswapprayerrequests.Invitethemtoprayfortheothercoupleinthecomingweek,contactingthemviaphone,e-mailornote.

AftertheMeeting

1. Evaluate—Spendtimeevaluatingthemeeting,notingwhatworkedandwhatdidn’twork.

2. Encourage—Contacteachcoupleduringtheweekandseehowtheyaredoing.Askiftheyhavecontactedtheirprayerpartners.

3. Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy.4. Pray—PraythateachcouplewouldhavetheconvictiontosurrendertheirnewpersonalandfamilyrelationshipstotheLordforHishelpandhealing.AskGodtogiveeachcoupleadesiretohonorHiminalltheirrelationships.

SessionFour LivingwithNewHope

BeforetheMeeting

1. Gathermaterialsformakingnametagsinadditiontoextrapens,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.

2. Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3. Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.

4. Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.

5. Fortheicebreaker,gatherthemakingsoffreshlemonade:lemons,sugar,waterandice.Alsogathertheequipment:alargeclearpitcher,aknife,ajuicer(optional),ameasuringcupandalong-handledspoon.Ifyouaren’tusedtomakingfreshlemonade,practicemakinglemonadebeforethemeeting.Setthematerialsuponatableatthefrontoftheroom.Option—Havelemonadepreparedinadvancesothateachgroupmembercanhaveaglassoftherealthing.

IceBreakers

1. Giveeachmembertwoindexcardsthisweek.Oneforprayerrequestsandtheotherforapraisereport.EncouragethemtowriteonethingGodhasdoneinthem,asacoupleorasafamily,overthecourseofthisstudy.HandoutBiblereferencesonslipsofpaperforreadingaloudlater.

2. Beginthedemonstrationwithanemptypitcher.Explainthatattimeswemightthinkthatlifehashandeduslemonsintheformoftrialsordifficultrelationships.Cutsomelemonsinhalfandsqueezethejuiceintothepitcher.Continuebyexplainingthatwecantrytodilutetheproblems(addsomewater)ortreatotherscoldly(addsomeice),butourliveswillcontinuetobesour.WhenweaddGod’slovetothemix(addsugar)andblenditalltogether(stir),wegetsweet,refreshinglemonade.Attimesnewtroubleswilloccur(cutmorelemonsandaddthejuicetothemix),andwehaveachoice:becomebitterlikethissourlemonadeorallowGod’slovetoovercomebitterness(addmoresugarandstir).Whenlifehandsuslemons,wecanchoosewhethertodrinksourlemonjuiceoraddthesweetnessofGod’slovetomaketheblendmorepalatable.

3. InvitecouplestosharethehopethatcomeswithacknowledgingtheirneedforGod’sloveinblendingtheirfamilies.

Discussion

1. TillingtheGround—Discussquestions1through3.2. PlantingtheSeed—Divideintogroupsbygenderandhaveeachgroupdiscussthequestions.

3.WateringtheHope—Discussquestions23through26withthewholegroup.Invitevolunteerstosharetheirthoughtsonquestion27.

4.HarvestingtheFruit—Allowtimeforeachcoupletosharetheiranswersprivately.SuggestthattheyfocusonthehopetheycanshareinmakingnewchoicesthroughGod’sstrength.

5. CloseinPrayer—Sincethisisthefinalmeeting,haveeachcouplesharesomethingfromthestudythathasimpactedthem.Haveeachcouplereadtheirprayerrequestsandtheirpraises.Aftereachcouplehasshared,praytogetherasagroup,inacircle,allowingtimeforpraiseandintercession.

AftertheMeeting

1. Evaluate—Emphasizetheimportanceoffeedback,andaskmemberstotakethetimethisweektowriteareviewofthegroupmeetingsandthentoreturnthemtoyou.

2. Encourage—CalleachcoupleduringthenextweekandinvitethemtojoinyouforthenextstudyintheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeries.

3. Equip—BeginpreparingandbrainstormingnewactivitiesforthenextBiblestudy.

4. Pray—PraisetheLordfortheworkHehasdoneinthelivesofthecouplesinthestudy.Continuetoprayforthesecouplesastheyapplythelessonslearnedinthelastfewweeks.

Notes

SessionOne[1].EdwardGoodrickandJohnKohlenberger,TheNIVExhaustiveConcordance

(GrandRapids,MI:ZondervanPublishingHouse,1990),p.117,#2568.[2].Thisisafictionalaccount.Anyresemblancetoactualeventsoranypeople,

livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.

SessionTwo[1].AnAmericanDictionaryoftheEnglishLanguage,15thed.,s.v.“compassion.”[2].Ibid.,s.v.“comfort.”[3].MaxineMarsolini,BlendedFamilies(Chicago,IL:MoodyPress,2000),p.10.[4].Thisisafictionalaccount.Anyresemblancetoactualeventsoranypeople,

livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.[5].AnAmericanDictionaryoftheEnglishLanguage,s.v.“delight.”[6].Marsolini,BlendedFamilies,p.14.

SessionThree[1].AngelaElwellHunt,LovingSomeoneElse’sChild(Wheaton,IL:TyndaleHouse

Publishers,1992),p.23.[2].Thayer’sGreekLexicon.4thed.CD-ROM,version3.1,BibleSoft.[3].Thisisafictionalaccount.Anyresemblancetoactualeventsoranypeople,

livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.[4].Hunt,LovingSomeoneElse’sChild,p.223.

SessionFour[1].MaxineMarsolini,BlendedFamilies(Chicago,IL:MoodyPress,2000),p.10.[2].EmilyVisher,quotedinAmandaMorgan,“HappyStepfamilies:WhatAreThey

DoingRight?”Redbook,(May1989),p.129.[3].Thisisafictionalaccount.Anyresemblancetoactualeventsoranypeople,

livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.