The Asshole Guide to Resolve Conflict

7/28/2019 The Asshole Guide to Resolve Conflict

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The Assholes Guide to

Resolving ConflictIt was a sunny day in 1997. And I was getting repeatedly

punched in the face.

I was 12-years-old at the timethe age when boys are at the

pinnacle of their maturity and compassion. I had agreed to fight

Nick, a pudgy kid about three inches shorter than me, after

school. All was well in the world of barely-pubescent boys

except I hadnt planned on a few things.

The first was that Nick had apparently been getting boxing

lessons from his older brother and wanted to try them out on

someone, while I had never thrown a punch in my life. The

second was that Nick had informed our entire school bus of the

event and encouraged everyone to get off at our bus stop towatch me get pummeled. And they did.

Granted, I hung in there and never actually got knocked down,

but I had no clue what I was doing. And it would have gotten

much worse had some lady in a minivan not pulled over and

yelled at us to stop and go home.

I dont remember the precise reason for the fight, or why I evenagreed. I just remember that Nick was a habitual asshole at

school and his response to anybody who challenged him was

Wanna fight?

I was the idiot who finally said yes.


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My first lesson from that experience was that I sucked at

fighting and never wanted to get hit in the face again. Ive more

or less succeeded at that one.

The second lesson I learned was a long-term lesson. See, Icontinued to see Nick at school that year and next. And as those

years went on, Nick became more overweight, more withdrawn,

and even more violent. He was having family problems. And

ironically, a couple years later, when my parents would divorce,

I too, would become overweight, withdrawn and begin acting

out towards my teachers and parents.

Years later, looking back, I realize that Nicks assholish

behavior was an extension of his personal problems. And that

soon after, my assholish behavior was an extension of my

personal problems as well. Ergo, it therefore follows that since

we all experience personal problems, we must all be assholes at

some point, to somebody, in some way.

Yeah, thats a broad brushstroke

to paint, but its true. Were all insecure and ignorant and we allact out on those insecurities and that ignorance in ways that hurt

other people.
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This thought may depress you. But it actually gets me excited

(yeah, I know), the idea that were ALL assholes. Because, see,

that means that theres hope for all of us. Thats why Ive called

this The Assholes Guide to Resolving Conflict. Becausewere all assholes some of the time.

When resolving a personal conflict, there are four questions you

must ask.

1.Is resolving the conflict even worth it?2.What needs were the offender trying to meet?3.Is the other person on board?4.How can we fix this?

It may be useful to think of a couple ongoing personal conflicts

you have going on in your life. Well take the questions one at a

time.

1. Is Resolving the Conflict Even Worth

It?

Good question. Some conflicts are better left alone. For instance,

the drunk guy trying to pick a fight in the bar, or the crazy


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homeless man shouting expletives at you while you put gas in

your car. Even some petty conflicts with people you know are

probably not worth the hassle. Like the friend who kept

forgetting to give your book back after borrowing it. Or the wayyour girlfriend complains about her homework all the time. At

worst, these situations call for simply confronting someone and

asking them to stop.

But your ability to handle even the simple conflicts will be

determined by how secure you are as well as how sturdy

yourboundaries are. If youre insecure, then every other fart in

the wind will become a crisis. And if your boundaries suck, thenyoull be blaming yourself for everything and scared to death of

confrontation.

Theres a lot to be said about being able to let things go and

know when to pick your battles.

As the problems get more serious, choosing whether to engage

in conflict resolution or not is a more legitimate question,especially if the issue in question seriously compromised your

values in an inalterable way. In some cases, someone does

something so horrible that you will never be able to resolve it.

For instance, if your uncle molested your sister, or your best

friend slept with your wife. No matter how much work you put

into fixing the relationship, its unlikely to ever be enough.

Broken trust issues are similar. With trust issues, I always usethe analogy of a china plate. A relationship is like a piece of fine

china. Breaking that trust means breaking the plate. With a lot of

care and effort, the plate can be restored, but if it gets broken

again, it becomes that much harder to put back together.
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Eventually, if the plate is broken enough times, it can never be

made whole again. Its lost forever.

In a situation with someone who has broken your trust, you must

ask yourself if you can see it ever being possible to trust thatperson again. Ifnot, then youre better off simply moving on.

And finally, there are the familial relationships where its

basically impossible to NOT engage in conflict resolution with

them. You only get one family, and even if you wish you could

ditch them sometimes, you cant. One way or another, you

always end up back with them, problems front and center. So

may as well make the best of it and try to resolve some of your

issues together.

2. What Needs Were the Offender Tryingto Meet?

So youve decided you do, in fact, want to resolve a personal

conflict you have with somebody. Congratulations, this is thefirst step to becoming less of an asshole.

The key to resolving personal conflicts is compassion. And by

compassion I mean seeing past the individual offensive

behaviors and look at the emotional needs that are motivating

those behaviors.


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The obnoxious friend who becomes

an asshole when a cute girl is around is actually just becominginsecure and needy. The overbearing mother is actually that way

because its the only way she knows how to express her care and

affection. The girlfriend who tries to make you jealous is doing

it because shes not feeling loved or validated enough.

Seeing anotherpersons needs behind their annoying behavior is

not easy. It takes practice.The best method Ive ever come across to develop compassion

for another persons needs is an exercise I actually learned at an

Integral workshop put on by the people who work forKen

Wilber. In the workshop, they referred to it as the 1-2-3

Shadow Exercise, which is a fancy reference to Jungian

Psychology. You can call it whatever you want. I call it

practical.1.Write a letter to the person being 100% honest while

describing how you feel. Write down everything you would

like to tell this person if you could. Dont hold anything

back. Let all the anger, hatred, and pain come out.
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Ex.: Dear John, Ive never told you this, but you change

when were around other people. You go from being my best

friend to being a dick and looking down on me. Remember

that time you made fun of me in front of Kim just to makeyourself look good? Its so fucking weak. Youre obviously

insecure aroundpeople

You dont have to spend more than five or ten minutes on it.

The important part is that you get all of your primary

complaints out and make sure you put your genuine feelings

into it.

2.Write a response letter to yourself from their perspectiveabout the issue. This is where things begin to become

tricky. Now, take out a new piece of paper (or open up a

clean document) and write another letter. This time its from

them and to you. In this letter, try to take their perspective

and defend themselves against your complaints. Make their

defense as reasonable and plausible as possible.

Ex.: Dear Mike, Im sorry you feel like Im arrogant insocial situations. Youre right that I probably feel insecure

at times, but I feel a need to cut you down because you

dominate every social interaction were in. You know Im a

quiet guy. So why dontyou ever ask me for my input or

encourage me to be a part of the conversation more?

Try to empathize with them as much as possible as you

write. If you find yourself continuing to blame them or

make them look like assholes in the second letter, then

youre doing it wrong. Start over and honestly try to inhabit

their perspective.


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What you may find when doing the second letter is that you

actually uncover legitimate criticisms of yourself that you

were not aware of before. If this happens, then youre

definitely on the right track because not only are youbeginning to see their perspective, but youre beginning to

get a more objective perspective on your own behavior that

you didnt have before.

3.Write a third letter, this time from an objective third-person perspective. The final letter is from an anonymous

outside observer. Now that youve written an angry letter

from your perspective, a defensive letter from the otherpersons perspective. Its time to inhabit an objective third-

person perspective and put the whole conflict in proper

context.

Ex.: Dear Mike and John, it seems that the two of you,

despite being great friends, are both insecure in larger

social situations. Youre both choosing to deal with your

discomfort in different ways that are not helping the other

person

The whole exercise takes maybe 30 minutes and the results

are great. Not only do you feel less attached to the hurt and

pain afterward, but youve also forced yourself to empathize

with the other persons needs and taken a more objective

perspective on the conflict yourself.

3. Is the Other Person On Board?

At some point you have to confront the other person about the

issue. Sometimes the issue will force itself, but usually one of


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you needs to speak up about whats going on. This isnt easy, or

fun. In fact, its downright uncomfortable.

People who are codependent or men who suffer from Nice Guy

Syndrome have particular difficulty with personal confrontationand will go to great lengths to avoid it or pretend the problem

doesnt exist. But you must open up a dialogue about the issue.

Its the only way forward.

Now, a cold, hard truth: just as you cant force somebody to

change, you cant force somebody to resolve a conflict. And any

attempts to coerce or bribe them into it will only piss them off

and push them away more.

The reason is that coercion negates the persons autonomy and

personal choice. Conflict resolution is worthless unless its

based out of the free will of both parties. So even if you do

decide that a relationship matters enough for you to change it,

and even if youve gone through the work to widen your

perspective and understand the other persons needs, you stillcant force the other person to do the same. They have to reach

the same point on their own accord, or not at all.

If the other person is NOT on board, theres nothing you can do

other than to wait silently, or move on.

4. How can we fix this?

Once you and the other person are openly communicating about

the problem, its time to find a resolution. The key here is to

focus less on specific behavior and instead focus on needs.


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For instance, if your father is always criticizing you, dont blame

him or tell him to stopbeing critical. Tell him that its important

for you to feel that he supports you and approves of you and

when he criticizes you, you dont feel that way. From there, heslikely to tell you that, in his mind, his criticisms ARE his way of

supporting you.

From there, you two can agree to find a new behavior that

youre both comfortable with.

Im sure the thought of speaking about this stuff to people close

to you may strike you as weird or uncomfortable. You may think

your friends will think youre being a pussy or that your dad will

get really uncomfortable and brush you off.

I thought the same thing. And some people will brush you off.

But its been surprising how universal this method is. Speaking

to peoples emotional needs is not only universal, but Ive found

that people jump on the opportunity when presented because its

presented to them so seldom.


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But the best part is that the process itself validates the important

feelings that lie behind the problemsyour dad is hard on you

because he cares, youre rebellious because you need to feel

independent, shes arrogant only because she feels insecure

around you, you get angry because youre afraid she wont like

you anymore.On and on.

This is vulnerability in action. And its the glue that binds our

relationships together and holds us close.s
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The Asshole Guide to Resolve Conflict

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