The 7 ways you sabotage your Relationship
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Transcript of The 7 ways you sabotage your Relationship
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Introduction
No one will deny that in today’s world, relationshipsare fraught with difficulty. At one time it was assumedthat relationships led to marriage and that marriagewas for life. The generation born during and afterWorld War I showed us what it would be like to bemarried to the same person for 50+ years. However,as we enter into 2011 we see that there has been abreakdown in family life with divorce at an alarmingrate of 50% and a decrease in marriages around thewestern world. Despite this, there are many who stilldesire to marry and settle down with a family, but faceproblems establishing strong relationships that couldlead to marriage.
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Introduction
One of the main reasons that people are unsuccessful inrelationships is tied in to self-sabotaging behaviour. Whatis sabotage? Sabotage is defined as “the treacherousaction used to hinder a cause or endeavour.” So,self-sabotage is “the treacherous action used against onesself to hinder their own cause or endeavour.” In fact,saboteurs were often linked to traitors, those whocommitted treacherous or treasonous acts against theirown country. Therefore, we can say that a person whocommits self sabotage is in fact, committing treasonousacts against themselves.
• Let us look at some of t he treachery weperpetrate against ourselves in the area ofrelationships.
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1. INSECURITY 5
1. INSECURITY
An insecure person will lack confidence in their own ability andvalue. Invariably, this lack of confidence in their value will result ina lack of trust for someone else’s value. They may feel in a positivestate, but harbour fears that the positive feelings are onlytemporary and will cause them loss when those feelings disappear.Insecurity is an emotional interpretation of oneself. Manifestationsof insecurity may be shyness, jealousy, or perhaps arrogance oreven bullying. It is possible that insecure people use strongcharacteristics as a shield by which to hide their insecurity. Withinthe contexts of relationships, insecurity creates jealousy anderodes trust. Within the insecure person, issues can be fabricatedfrom an insecure mind that has no foundation in truth. Sinceinsecurity is an emotional experience, it is very difficult for theinsecure person to see reason and logic when they believe there is aproblem in the relationship.
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1. INSECURITY
ORIGINS: The template of insecurity has its roots inchildhood. Perhaps we experienced a lack of security in thefamily structure, possibly by being rejected, abandoned oroverlooked in some way. These insecurities have remainedundetected and are now manifesting itself within theromantic relationship. Insecurities can be overcome if wewant to remove it.
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2. CONTROL FREAK 8
2. CONTROL FREAK
It is possible that insecure people use strong characteristics as a shield by which
to hide their insecurity. Within the contexts of relationships, insecurity creates
jealousy and erodes trust. Within the insecure person, issues can be fabricated
from an insecure mind that has no foundation in truth. Since insecurity is an
emotional experience, it is very difficult for the insecure person to see reason
and logic when they believe there is a problem in the relationship.
Closely tied in to insecurity, is the need for individuals to control their
relationships. Since control enables power, the one who controls the relationship
has the most power and therefore, has most of their needs met. The victim
serves the needs of the controller. Both men and women are guilty of
controlling behavior. Some people, for example have a need to have things their
own way. Entering into a new relationship, the controller will seek to impose
their ideas on the new partner. There is very little consideration for the victims
needs and desires and if the victim is passive in nature, the controller will push
their manifesto through with little resistance.
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2. CONTROL FREAK
• ORIGINS: This need for control is also borne out of
insecurities learned in childhood and can be rectified if
given sufficient attention.
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3. THE MARTYR 11
3. THE MARTYR
The desire to help others is innate within all human beings. Yet to
constantly desire to rescue others during relationships is a sure sign of
self-sabotage. If you find that you are drawn to partners who need
constant help and attention, then that is a sign that you are a
martyr/rescuer.
Perhaps you are currently with someone who has serious physical,
financial and emotional problems. You may be playing the role of the
parent, giving them parental advice. Perhaps your partner has been hurt in
the past and you feel obligated to “make it up” to them. If you are a
rescuer, then understand that unless you deal with the core issue, i.e. your
need to rescue others, then all your relationships are doomed. These types
of relationships are draining on you, but you are waiting for the big
payoff, the day when your partner gets back on their feet again and
crowns you as their champion for saving them. Of course, this will never
happen, but you delude yourself that if you try a little bit harder, then
things will work out.
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3. THE MARTYR
ORIGINS: This behaviour usually stems from unfinished emotional
wounds from childhood. Perhaps, we ourselves were never rescued or
we tried to rescue our parents, (perhaps from alcoholism) and now
our life’s mission is to rescue our partners. Invariably, we will be
attracted to broken individuals like ourselves. Our “fixing” them
distracts us from the “fixing” that we need to do within.
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4. ATTENTION SEEKER 14
4. ATTENTION SEEKER
Sadly, in western society, attention seeking is very common and in large
part promoted by the media through reality shows and glossy
magazines. It is no longer desirable to be “ordinary.” Everyone now
needs to feel like a celebrity! These types of individuals have the
emotional age of a child and often do not understand their own
motivations.
Another self-sabotaging technique is the need to be centre stage or
needing inordinate amounts of attention. While it is normal for people to
seek a sense of self-worth and validation, there are some who seem to
make a virtual career out of attention-seeking behavior. Whether this is
done by the way they dress or what they say or whatever drama they
conjure up, these individuals want you to notice them at any cost.
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4. ATTENTION SEEKER
• ORIGINS: Needing a lot of attention has its roots in
childhood. Without sufficient attention during this
crucial time, a child is left to question their value. In
adulthood they seek to create this value by drawing
attention to themselves to compensate for neglect in
their younger years.
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5. NEEDINESS 17
5. NEEDINESS
Let us consider another trait which works against us and that is the trait of neediness. In western society, our understanding of what love is, has been taught, not by parents or educators, but by movies and literature. The message of these movies and books suggest that people lack love in their life. In other words, if your love life is not similar to the one presented here in this book or movie, you do not have it and consequently, you need to go out and find it!
Based on these fallacious teachings about love both men and women have been duped into believing that, “movie love” is what they need to fulfil them. In fact, they define this as true love. Our whole ethos about love stems from this deceptive teaching and based on this premise we end up with a misguided need to feel fulfilled from someone else.
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5. NEEDINESS
A needy person is so outwardly focused that they fail to see
where the problem really lies; within themselves. The
genesis of this issue comes from a time in life when there
were a number of needs not met in this persons life and
therefore like many self-sabotaging traits, there is an over
compensation dynamic playing out.
The focus of needy people is themselves, having their needs
satisfied and imposing penalties on their partners when their
needs go unmet. Needy people are externally oriented,
everything is wrong about the external, “my partner is not
good enough”, “they don’t like me”, “no one cares about
me” are the types of expressions heard from these types.
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6. FEAR OF INTIMACY 20
6. FEAR OF INTIMACY
An often overlooked area of self-sabotage has to do with the fear of
intimacy. Intimacy is defined as “a close, familiar,and usually
affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or
group.” A fear of intimacy displays a fear of sharing of oneself with
others. This is usually done to hide the parts of ourselves that are
“defective”. We perpetuate this fear by not allowing others to get close
to us or if put, “under the spotlight” we shut down as a means of self-
protection. We may feel that to “open up” exposes us to betrayal and
therefore we have developed a self-protection mechanism which
ultimately prevents us from getting close to anyone. At our core, we
believe that we are unlovable or unworthy, perhaps we were the victim
of rejection and abandonment and we have lived with this perception of
betrayal and unworthiness ever since.
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7. BAGGAGE HANDLERS 22
7. BAGGAGE HANDLERS
To some degree, we must be realistic and understand that we
all carry baggage. However, the thing that prevents many
people from enjoying love and fulfillment is that they have not
removed baggage from their previous relationships. Too often,
I have observed that many people will break up with a partner
after a three year relationship and then within a month, they
will be involved with someone new! They will claim that they
are “over” the previous person but in actuality they are not
“over” the effects of that relationship. The fear of being alone
is what drives many people to seek new relationships even
though they have not purged themselves of the old one. Do
you realize that there are many people who have never lived
alone for any period of time since they left their parents home?
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7. BAGGAGE HANDLERS
They leave their parents and move in with their partner or
get married. That relationship breaks down, they move in
with someone else and so it goes on.
There has been no time or space for critical analysis, no
corrections of attitude, no lessons learned. Instead, they
move from one relationship to the next, never realizing
where things are going wrong. This is self sabotage at its
finest!
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These are a few of the self-sabotaging traits that preventpeople from enjoyingharmonious relationships. Noticethat most of these traits havetheir origins in childhood.Although there are cases wherethese traits may develop at a laterdate, most professionals in thefield of psychology/counselingagree that the formative years ofa Childs life within the familystructure as well as theirenvironment plays a significantpart in their development. Theseself-sabotaging traits can beovercome.
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Often it takes self-awareness along with concerted effort to
combat these issues.
I hope this report has been useful to you. If it has, please
pass it on to your friends and acquaintances.
My website www.datingandrelationshipissues.com provides
information that is useful for anyone wanting to understand
love dynamics and how to enjoy more fruitful relationships.
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Until next time,
Tony Cross(Relationship coach)
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www.datingandrelationshipissues.com
www.datingandrela
tionshipissues.com
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THE
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