Tattered Thoughts

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Tattered thoughtsby Soni Malaniintroduction by Renu Malani


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In loving memory of my beautiful sister and best friend Soniwho taught me how to love with no conditions and how to dream with no limits.


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The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

He leadeth me beside the still waters.He restoreth my soul:

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his names sake.Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

- Psalm 23(King James Version of the Holy Bible)


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29 October 2009, Hong Kong

Dear Soni

Well here it is, at last, Tattered Thoughts in print as you always dreamt it would be. I

remember when we were kids hearing about it, never got to read it till much later in mylife, sadly when you were already gone from me. I never got to tell you how proud I wasof you for the beauty of your words and your ability to bare your soul on paper.

My plan here is to create something for your children, something that will show themwho their mother really was, a dreamer, a realist, an optimist, a woman afraid of her trueself because she knew she was different, a million other contradictions that only thosewho truly loved you would understand. Your history is safe in my hands, I promise tokeep you alive all my life. You were the bravest and most generous person I ever metand I am so proud you were my sister. You taught me things I had no idea I needed tolearn and I continue to learn to this day and I am sure all of my days.

I have spent so much time looking back over our time together and trying to understandwhy it was cut short. I remember when we were young you told me that we wouldntgrow old together and that you would have a shortened life. I wish I could haveconvinced you it wasnt true but something in me knew you were right. I alwaysunderstood why you lived your life at double speed although we never spoke about itagain. It was a look in your eye that I knew and I understood.

One of the most remarkable things about you was the way you were willing to share your children with me. As the gods would have it, I never had my own and you left me alegacy of four beautiful souls that I feel are my own now. You even regularly let me takecredit for them when you were still here. You listened to my baseless theories on childrearing, threw out the rubbish I came up and took my greater ideas and presented them asyour own! It was still an honour for me to be involved with the rearing of these children.

Speaking about the children, my god how they have grown. And how very proud youwould be of what you created. They are who they are because of you Soni, your special

brand of loving that I am sure you had a patent on, has served them well. Ayeesha, ourfirst, can you believe our baby is 25?? How and when did that happen? Remember theday she was born, so perfect, unwrinkly and alert? Her full head of hair, still her crowning glory with all its crazy curls as you used to call them. She is kind and gentlewith a softness that could only have come from our mum, her beloved nani. Neither younor I have that kind or sweetness! She is like the pied piper with kids wherever she goes,it is a beautiful thing to see her patience and love that is seemingly endless. Being asgood a person as she is would have been enough for us wouldnt it? She ended up beinga brainbox as well!! The girl that we thought couldnt add 2 plus 2 brought home a firstclass honours degree four years after the bottom fell out of her world and she lost her mother. The thought of her graduation day still gives me goosebumps and makes mewant to cry with pride for her achievement and sadness that you didnt live to see it. Or maybe you did see it? Maybe I was able to will your soul into that auditorium with me


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that day as I tried so hard to? When she collected her degree in her cap and gown andturned to blow mum and I a kiss, I felt you smile down from heaven. I have never seenour girl so happy, just radiant.

And then there is Diveesha, whose every action reminds me of you. She is our little

firebrand, tiny but packing a punch! Just like you, talks fast, lives fast, juices the life outof every moment, it is an amazing thing to see this girls zest for life, I have only ever seen it once before in my life.

Alongside all the big talk and big ideas is an amazing young lady, so full of determination and positivity. She is taking sure and steady steps ahead in her life andmaking a career despite her desire to have fun! She is magnetic and dynamic, and somuch like you that it hurts me sometimes to look at her. I hope she makes time for thelittle, simple things in life that perhaps you also didnt have time to enjoy. I have thisrecurring dream of her on her wedding day. In the dream she is getting ready, gettingstressed out and suddenly it hits her that you arent there and all she has is me and I am so

scared that I wont be enough. All I can do is promise you I will do my best to fill someof that hole in her life, for all my life. And I maintain that no one, except you, has ever made me laugh the way Div does! I love her with all my heart even though she thinks Ilove Ayeesha more!

When it comes to the boys, our darling Imran and Zubin, my words fail me when I try totell you all that I feel. On the occasions that I have seen them, when I look into their eyesagain, I see you staring back, looking into my soul. All I can do is promise you that I willdo whatever it takes, to ensure they know who their mother was and how amazing youwere and how very much you loved them. It is not a promise I make lightly and I knowthe patience it will require to fulfill it, but one of the lessons I have learnt of late is that of

patience, shame it took 40 years of my life to come to me. Imran is turning into a lovelyyoung man, obviously remembering that word you taught him so early in his life gentleman. He is sensitive and kind and looks so much like you it is astounding. Our little Zubin, smart as a whip, full of laughter and fun with a personality that just sparkles.He is top of his class and speaks at a hundred miles an hour! As you did. They give the

best hugs and know that they are loved. When Zubin speaks to me, he holds my face so Icant look anywhere else while I am talking to him, the sort of thing that I can imagineyou would do!

How do I tell you about mum, our lovely mum whose world crumbled when you left us?The most unnatural thing in the world has happened to her, to deal with the death of her child and it has been impossibly difficult for her in particular. But somehow, she hasmanaged to find a way to go on, to find simple pleasures in the children. You left mewith unusually large shoes to fill in her life and I have spent more than six years trying tomake up to her the fact that she lost you. An impossible task and I finally realize I cantreplace you, I have to be me but I do truly love her and pray I have been a good daughter to her. Her spirit is amazing and has served her very well in dealing with her massiveloss. She is such a great role model for the girls, knowing exactly how to bring out the

best in each of them, being rock steady in her love for them, teaching them how to


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become ladies, they adore her. As do I.

When we lost Dad almost two years ago, my first thought was Soni wont be lonely inheaven now, Dad will take care of her. My second thought was Soni will take care of Dad now. Thats what you were, our caretaker, we were so safe in your capable hands.

I feel like I have been freefalling through parts of the last six years without you. So manytimes, with so many decisions, my first thought is How would Soni deal with this?Strangely, the answers seem to come more often than not. I feel your hand guiding mylife to safer pastures and I am so grateful for that. I know I am on higher ground now andI wont drown. I needed help and somehow found the strength to take control of my life,I feel that strength was yours, so thank you.

Whenever I tell people about the way my sister loved me, I tell them about the day that Iwent home with bleeding blisters on my feet after a hard day on my feet with a client for many hours in ill-fitting shoes, and I cried with pain. I opened my door to you the nextmorning and there you were with a bag from Marks and Spencers containing four pairs,

in different colors, of the most comfortable shoes a girl could ask for and you told menever to cry for such things and that you were there for me. You made me feel so safeand loved and I miss you so much it hurts.

You would have been fifty years old this year. Can you imagine how mercilessly I wouldhave teased you every day about it? I wish I had had the chance, I would even have beenhappy to have you tease me about how we were both in our forties until the very last dayof your 49 th year. I was happy every day that we did get though, and grateful for them.Your poems in print finally are my gift to you, to honor your memory in my quest tomake you go on forever.

After the poems, I plan to include some of the emails you sent to those who loved you asyou battled your cancer. I want everyone to know the courage, dignity and humour youshowed when you took hold of your situation and fought with unimaginable strength. Iam so proud of you, how much you taught us all about bravery. When we used to sittogether in your room at the hospital while you got your chemo, you told me that if westand shoulder to shoulder as a family, we were invincible. I will never forget that.

Soni, to be your sister has been a privilege. Thank you for everything you ever did for me, I hope you know I never meant to take it for granted. You did things for me that noone else has ever done for me and I love you, then, now and forever. You were the best

big sister I could ever have dreamt of, my partner in crime, my double-act, my rolemodel, my unbeatable Taboo partner and my very best friend.

So here goes, Tattered Thoughts, the book of poetry by my sister, a beautiful youngdreamer called Soni Malani started 37 years ago and finally in print.


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TATTERED THOUGHTS SONI MALANI

This collection of poems, has been to me a diary of all the thoughts and feelings which Ihave felt since I was 13 years old. The words like the years can be confusing, vulnerable,simple and yet, so easily misunderstood. Although the writing does mature in the secondchapter the simplicity is maintained.

I believe in expressing a feeling upon the symptoms rather than allowing it to developinto something complicated and inexpressible. Therefore, since these feelings are notedited, tempered with or subjected to any criticism before this, I ask you to forgive myimpulsiveness, my contradictions and my sentimentality.

Kahil Gibran once said Poets with tattered thoughts mend their patches with words fromthe dictionary. And upon his guideline, my writings come to you as these thoughts cameto me.. at times in an avalanche, at other times just a trickle. Each onememorable, at times misunderstood, but, nevertheless mine. And I share them withyou.


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If my world falls in tomorrow,Ill thank god for today,Today and every other day,That I have spent with you,

Weve stumbled and weve fallen,But, weve come to understand,That those of us who have done this,Know what it means to stand,

I may say many farewells,But all my roads lead back to you,So where do we go from here?Which is the way back here?

I cannot leave your love,It makes me feel at home,It took so long to realize,I just cant make it all alone.


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The Evenings Over

Thanks for the company,We shared some good laughs,

But the evenings over,And this will be our last dance,

I shall miss seeing your smiling face,Over the rim of my champagne glass,But, the evenings over,And this will soon be in the past,

Now the band is playing,Our farewell song,I shall hum it often,

But well both forget it before long,This is the last bar,And I feel your arm around my waist tightening,But, the evenings over,So loosen up and let me go,Before.. I beg to stay.


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Standstill

Tell me my love, where do we go from here? Now that weve grown tired of our eternal love,

All our promises have been fulfilled,And weve made no more, Now were drifting apart, because, we cant get any closer,

Theres no hatred just love No resentment, but, devotion,We dont value a habit,But, I sure would miss your love, if I didnt have it,

So tell me,Where do we go from here?

Now that our hearts have exchanged places,And we only live to keep each other alive,

My love, come near to me,Come lets be each other again,One cant survive until it is two,And Ill never survive without you.


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If you need me,Open up your heart,And youll see me,

Waiting to come in,

I am your friend,And I feel your feelings,As I do my own,I bleed your blood,And share all that you permit me to,

As you live your life from day to day,Things will come, and things will go away,You will gain, and you will lose,

It is the worlds way,For what it may be worth,Please know, that whatever you may want... need or ask of me,In the name of friendship,Ill not deny you.


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I dont believe in you God, But I know you exist,I wont pray to you, though, I know youll listen in,I want you to leave me alone God, yet you remain near,

Get out of my sight Lord, but you were never here,

You messed me up and brought me down,Why the hell are you always around?You claim to love me, but you bring me grief,If you cared, you would bring me relief,

For Satans embrace I cry out,For the good Lord doesnt know what its all about,You dont purify God You pollute,You give no support to our pursuit,

Who? Where? What is God we ask,Tell me Lord Do you simplify our task?Help us Lord for what its worth,Youre there and you can but you dont,

We must just accept and not ask why,And for those for whom, this is not enough,Ask the Lord.and you will as I have called his bluff.


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Who can I tell of the life Ive led?Can you listen and not be disgusted if you dont understand?My pen, paper, my imagination and me,Are all I need to keep me happy,

At a young age I mastered deceit,I made and broke several images,

None of which were really me,Ive gained false self-created experiences,Ive invented lovers,Created friends,And pretended love affairs,

Ive confused and sobered,And been an authority of things I know nothing about,

And Ive bluffed my whole life through,Ive been to each, what he likes in a friend,Deceiving all in my pretence,Ive convinced and created doubts,In the minds of those who know better than I,

Ive spread a love that I call my own,So matured is it, that no-one can understand,So they accept it in their ignorance,Ive laughed at and envied one and the same,Ive been meek and dominating,Ive shrugged off and chased after,

And now my mockery of life,My all-star bluff still stands,The paths of my lies have not yet crossed,And when I die,Some will feel the loss,Others will whisper good riddance,

Today Ive adored and shied away from adoration,I feel my imagination is better than anythingWhich reality can offer me,So I say to myself.Live on dreamer,Maturity doesnt come easy,And pretence easiest of all,I will never die!


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Where do we Go

Where do you go, when theres nowhere to go?And what do you do when theres nothing to do?Do you sit all alone and wish I was there?

Are you like me, do you still care?

When youre alone, do you wish you had me for company?When youre in company, do you wish you were alone with me?Will I never have you, as I did before?How can life be so cruel to a love that was so kind?

As one we were so mighty,We joined together all that the seas tried to sever,Apart we are so lonely,With you there.. and me here.


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Running Out

The stories have all been told,The fantasies and the memories,Each lie was manifested,

And each truth buried,

My image stands tall,But, my soul hangs low,Where am I going?What do I want?

I find myself in a mad panic,Trying to pick up the pieces,That once made me.Well, bridges have been known to break,

And trees to bow down,The world has been known to slow down,And people to rest.


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I Dont Know if I Love You

Do I love you?How can I tell?All I know is that Ive never felt this way before,

The touch of your hand, and I know I need you,The sound of your voice, and my heart leaps,The kiss from your lips, and I dont know, I dont know if I love you,

Please dont ask me to decide,For I fear what I may find out,Because, if I discover I love you,Ill never leave you,And, I feel I need to leave you now.

When youre away, I want to be with you,When youre here, I feel tis I who needs to go,I dont understand myself, I dont know I dont know if I love you.


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I am alone, and the night frightens me,It beckons me to come, but I will remain here,And caress the bittersweet memories of you,

I linger upon each thought until it slips by,And when the last memory is re-lived.. I remember over again.

How long must I dwell in these stale thoughts?When will these days be brought back to us?Everything is fading, and with each dream,My thoughts are more and more clouded,

The days are passing byAnd it always feels like night,

I wait for you to light a candleTo clear the way through darkness.


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Lost Looks

Its evening,At least, thats what Im told,And the flowers are in full bloom,

But, how would I know?

I can still feel your stare,So dont think I dont know its there,Youre the one who loves me Im told,But, why is your touch so cold?

I cant look into your eyes,And see all of your lies,Ive lost that look of love,I can look up and not see above,

Ive lost that look of love,And you dont love me anymore,

I cant see you there,But, I feel you dont care,My voice cant sayWhat my eyes used to tell,And Ive lost that look of love,

If eyes mean so much,How come you never held me and said,Im glad you can see.


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Love Shall Never Pass

Our love must never pass,We must make it last,And if time begins to show

Were the only ones wholl knowThat our love was so strong,For it lasted for so long,

I wish that you were here with me,How happy I would be,They would never come to know,Just how hard it was for me to go,Everything has been against us,But, the future will support us.

True love never dies,It just tries, and tries and tries,Ive tried so hard to hide,That I need you by my side,But, when darkness falls on me,The truth is there for all to see.


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Loves here, But, Loves Gone

Youre here, after all the waiting and wanting,Youre here,

Near enough to share a breath of air,

But, I cannot touch you, I cannot reach you,Come closer, lets be together as before,Youre here after all this time,Why arent you with me?

Have I been teasing myself again?Have I been painting glorious fantasies in my mindOnly to see them crumble this way?Perhaps, I should have rehearsed the alternative more thoroughlyShould have know things wouldnt have gone my way,The ifs and buts of the past,

Just dont compensate for that is today.


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CHAPTER II

You are my dearest friend,And in every way, my better half,

Youre my conscience when Im wrong,And my pride when Im right

I want so much to do something for you,To give a part of myself to you,But which part can I give you,That youre not already familiar with?

Its so hard to show someone you love,Just how much you love them,I guess, the words are unimportant

As long as the feelings are intact,For each kind word, each loving gesture,Every time you made me smileWhen my every instinct was to cry,For all those times I thank you

You never spoiled me,You werent always thereWhen I wished you were,But, always when I needed you,

You taught me to understandEach step I took, each phase of life.You made me strong,.. Thank you

I cant repay you for building my world,I can only welcome you to it.


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Im so alone,Its as if I belong to a different dimension,And all the people passing by meCannot reach me, and I cannot touch them,I am in the midst of an avalanche of events,

And yet, none concern nor influence me,Laughter rings through my ears,And tears trickle through my heart,Tragedies pierce my very soul,My senses are very much alive,And yet, life merges with the walls of my body,And dissolves right through them,As though I belonged to a different dimension,.. I am so alone.


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Timeless moments, and endless days,Strange shadows, acting in familiar ways,Empty thoughts and failing plans,Undying faith in incompetent hands

Closely linked broken hearts,And true love all scattered apart,Too many tears and too many sighs,Shed over what has already passed by.

The prodigal The returned wanderer,Who has not returned,Present in body but, absent in spirit,Forever seeking, forever asking,

And now, as the curtain of night is drawn,

The strange shadows are a reflection,And the day has found its end,And hands are good hands,And there are no plans left,Each day is a beginning,And yesterdays strangers have become,Todays friends.


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Before I knew you,Sunsets marked the end of the day,

And dawn meant getting ready for work,Flowers were to be sent to the ill,And beautiful flowers to the dead.

Happiness was a word that poets used,And peace was an escapists ideal,Pleasure was the outcome of too much pain,And pain was the result of too much pleasure Then I met you

Now I rest and rise, draped in your love,

Flowers have become Gods sign of approval.The escapists have brought usTo where the poets dreamt of,And here, in the midst of all this gloryThe pleasure and the pain. I have you.


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Theres no other shadow on the table.. but mine,I cant feel the warmth of a body near mine,I need to feel the whisper of breath, from someones words,

Im so alone

My stare pierces through the air, and goes on and on,I wish it would reflect on someoneAnd return to me.bringing them with it,Lonely people have such funny thoughts.

The only opinions I hear are my own,And I know them only too well,I want to share them with someoneGive myself to thembut how?

,,, Im so aloneEveryones living in the world together And I had to have one of my own.


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What shall I write,Or should I write at all?Will it take me higher,Or will it bring me down?

I must write,Because, theres no-one here to talk to,And though my feelings are intact,They elude the tip of my tongue,

Words may be my shame,But, my pen is my friend,And no-one can hold me to,Words I have not said,

I havent a friend nor a lover,Yet, I do not mourn over the present,Perhaps, tomorrow everything will change,And the shame will then be mine.

No-one understands, but, no-one does not,So how can I complain?Everything just carries on,And I must do the same.

I do wonder sometimes,What things would have been like,If I had been different,Instead of being the same.

Ill never know so why ask?My words and my questionsMay be my shame,But, surely the future,Will be my fame.


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Have the times caught up with you,As they have with me?And me you feel the winter,

Before the summers through?

Do you wonder if youll survive,If you just let go and slip away?Or do you just play alongAnd wait for another day?

Are we all this wayOr just a chosen few?Do we race against timeJust to meet death in the face?

Im so wakeful and restless,Wont someone help me to find the way?Or shall I just carry on,And wait for another day?


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I need you,I dont need the things you can do,And I can live without what you represent,

But, I need all of what is inside you,

I loved you so much, that it hurt,I wanted you so badly, that I hated you for not being there,I cant live near you,Yet, I wont survive if Im too far away

I live my life like that of a moth,Teasing and adoring, the one thing that can be my doom,I am tantalized by your words,

And your fingertips singe my skin,I am spinning down to die,For I cannot be with you,And I cannot stay away.


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Where have our days gone?They were once so much a part of us,And now they are so rare,

When its all over and its too late,Well realize we have only ourselves to blame.

I guess we both tried a little too hard,To prove the other wrong,And while we were both battling to win,We both lost.. so much so painfully.

We may never feel the loss,But, then again, it may catch up with us,How a bond so great was broken,

And a friendship so deep was lostThey say alls well that ends well,Its a pity we have to end it first,Before we can find out the truth of it.


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A moment of my life,Is in every note, every love song ever written,Each thought of you,

In every word of every love letter,I know Im not the only one in love,And theres nothing I can say,Which hasnt already been said, thought or sung,So its best I say nothing,And pray you hear my silence.

Should my silence be too mild, or too over-powering,That you do not acknowledge my effort,Then my silent love for you,Like the song that was never sung,

And the letter that was never read,Will remain never missed.. and never understood.


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Save Today for Tomorrow

Come to me,

In the way that you used to,Hold me,In the arms that Im used to,This moment will never come our way again,So please share it with me,

Was yesterday so long ago?Are we not responsible to our past?And without the past,Would the future be what it is?

What is our future anyway?The world is ours to challenge,And we are mightier as one,So lets save up our nights,And cherish our days.If we put all our moments away,Maybe, then someday.. we can trade them in.. for a lifetime together.


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The breeze is blowing gently against my face,And my mind is clouded with thoughts of you,Pictures fleeting back and forth through time,

Stopping nowhere.. forgetting nothing

Every facet of your face in the sunlight,And every shadow of our bodies arched in the moonlight,I recall it all,Everything changes, yet.. everything ends

By remembering, I feel as if Im intrudingOr some sacred shrine, filled with love, beauty, purity,

Never to be touchedFor fear of tarnishing the brilliance

Of the flame we once kindered there,I shall not touch,But, I cannot help remembering


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Im so lonely but, Im not alone,I just want a few loved ones by my side,And a familiar hand on my shoulder,

Im going round in circles,So much so, that each breath I breathe seems familiar,And my footprints are ahead of my feet,Reality and illusions seem to be the two sidesOf the same wretched coin,And however it may fall There is no escape for me.


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I need you at time like this,When love has left meAnd pity has set in,

I hate to feel this way,

When I have nothing,I yearn for the best Ive had,When I know no love,I regret the loss of my best lover,

Is there happiness to be foundIn spasms of contentment?They never last long,But, theyre never far apart,

I know so many so well,It doesnt help me to understand myself,For that I need you,Only you.


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If only things were different,And I could reach out to you,Rather than, us both desperately trying

To disguise pride as self-respect

The silence is so loud and piercing,It eats away at me,Harmony lies in communication,As we may have not achieved that,We have lost more than what we began with,

My friend, we have invested so too muchAnd for too long, to sacrifice it all now,So for the sake of all the days gone by,

Do you think were ready to give it one more try?Ill walk half-way and if by then,I have not met you along the way,Ill turn around and try again some other day


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The time has come, for us to bring to an end,All of the pain, weve been causing each other,Your loss is not by gain, nor is my loss yours,So lets continue not as we ended,But as we began.. as friends,

No matter how many faults,We may have come to discover in each other,They shouldnt dull the brillianceOf all that once sparkled between us,In all fairness, if we are to take the good with the bad,Can we possibly deny ourselves of each other?

If not, for the love of each other,Then at least, for the love of ourselves,Let us abandon our price,

And surrender to our emotions.


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If we must part,Then let it be like this.

Not heart on heart,

Nor with the useless anguish of a kiss,But touch my hand and say,Until tomorrow or some other day.If we must part,If words are so weak,When love hath been strongLet silence speak!Life is so little a while,And love so long,A time to sow and reap,And after each harvest, a long time to sleep,

But words are weak!


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Wont you look my way,Just once before you goAnd let my eyes tell youWhat you ought to know.Im not sure that it will

Turn out right,But I feel that it must might.. if we try.Im not asking you to pledge the future,Because the futures not yours to give,Just standstill for a while,And let me watch you while you live!


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I wanted to share the beauty of my sisters writing, and that includes excerpts from a journal we found after she was gone and some of the emails to those she called her dream team that supported her and her family throughout her illness. All thedocuments are not yet collated and I will be adding to this as people send me things shewrote to them. The final email is one I wrote on Sonis behalf, toward the end of her

battle when writing was becoming increasingly challenging.

Subject: wish me luck for tomorrowDate: Tue, 02 Apr 2002 20:29:18 +0800

Hi folks,Today was the last of my radiation treatments..yippee! I thought I would drop a line toeveryone who has been so supportive throughout all of my treatments, and say a bigthank you! I don't know where to begin when I try to sum up how humbling it has beenhaving so many people wishing me so well. You have all been great, and if and when Iwin this fight, at no time will I think that I won it alone. Each one of you have been mystrength at some point in this battle.

Tomorrow, I have a scan which will determine whether the radiation worked. The wayforward will be clearer then. I want to call on all of you one more time to send some

positive energy to that scan tomorrow.

Those of you who have been close to this experience, will know that I have chosen totake this on without any fear. I do believe the love and laughter I have been blessed with,are all the tools I need. My wonderful family and friends have made most of this easy. Ilove you all dearly.

I am sorry however for all the unanswered messages, the dinner parties I declined andseveral other apparently unfriendly gestures. This has just been a time when I haveneeded to go within and not without. I know you all understand.

I will not die an unlived life!I will not live in fear of falling or catching fireI choose to inhabit my days to allow my living to open me,to make me less afraid, more accessible to loosen my heartUntil it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.I choose to risk my significance;to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as

blossom, and that which comes to me as blossom goes on to fruit."- Dawna Markova

This has been a fantastic time, full of revelations, surprise friendships and rare insights.

No part of me regrets the wisdom, clarity or awareness that has come out of it. If you arewishing or praying for me, please wish away the illness, but not everything else whichaccompanied it.


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"My barn burned down..but now I can see the moon".

Hey, if everything goes well, from tomorrow I can start using words like "remission" and"survivor"! God help you all if people like me get more words to use.

Love you all and again thanks for all the good thoughts.

Soni


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Sent: Thursday, April 04, 2002 5:44 PMSubject: Wow, what friends I have

Hi folks,

Just a quick note to tell you all how overwhelming it was to receive emails or phone callsfrom almost each and every one of you. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes.

Hanif and I went to the hospital to discover the computers were down and they couldn'tgive us the report of the scan. Nevertheless, we did body tackle the radiologist..who madethe comment "there was significant improvement since the last scan" That was all shecould tell us for now. The doctor then told us he was thrilled that there was improvement

because the effects of radiation continue to work for the next few weeks, and what littletumour was left will continue to respond to the last 5 weeks of radiation treatment for the

next few weeks.On Wednesday we will get reports to the full extent of the improvement..so you will allhear from me then.

Once again, I am touched and humbled by your energies and caring. Thank you to thoseof you who passed my message to those I forgot or didn't imagine cared.

The world is a much better place recently, and I am more eager than ever to hang aroundfor a long while longer.

With love,Soni


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My dearest friends,

I know I should have got back to everyone yesterday...but I was too busy celebrating!!

The report of the scan showed that almost 80% of the tumour is gone, the balance 20%should be gone within 5 weeks, which is how long the effects of radiation continue for.YIPPEE!

The doctor is going to put me through two rounds of chemotherapy just so that he feelshe is doing something while we wait to repeat the scan and for the radiation effects tokick in.

You all know that this phenomenal result is a credit to the prayers and wishes of all of you. So pat yourselves on the back guys.

This has been the first bit of good news we have received in 8 months. Hopefully now themadness is over and the elements will be kinder.

I will never forget the support and love I have felt throughout this experience. They saythat when something like this happens, it may be one individual who gets hit, but theshrapnel hits everyone in their life. I really do believe that no-one's life will ever be thesame again. My illness seems to have brought out the best in everyone I know. Peoplehave reached deep inside themselves and come out with a goodness and a generositywhich has even surprised them. As I have no desire to forget any of the lessons I havelearned in the last 8 months, please all of you remember the goodness within each day,we are only those who we love and those who love us. Nothing else matters.

I know you will all think I am crazy but, I always knew if I travelled the tunnel withintegrity, the light would show itself at the end. Thank you all for keeping me on thestraight and narrow, there is light now and I know it will lead me out of the tunnel.

I love you all.

Soni


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My dear friends,

Had not planned to make a practice of communicating with you all this way, but, the

elements seem to be in control of what happens to me these days...Apparently the journeyis far from over, my oldest and dearest friend Anita has just been diagnosed withHodgkins disease. To save you all launching your internet explorer and looking it up, it isa malignancy of the lymph glands. The prognosis is very good with a very high cure rate.

Nevertheless, although she has a choice of radiation and/or chemotherapy, Anita beingAnita, has chosen to firstly embark on a natural remedy treatment plan. She is under thecare of a fantastic doctor named David Henderson, who is also a naturopath.

The reason for this email is not to merely inform you all of her condition, but, to engagethe same energy which has helped me through the hardest time in my own illness. Anitais a good, kind, evolved person, and in many ways, much more than me....she will receive

your prayers and good wishes, towards a much greater good than I am able to generate. I beg you all to channel a thought, a wish or a prayer..or all of the above, towards myfriend. I am sure none of you are so naive that you believe our illnesses are unrelated toeachother. Obviously, we are meant to journey through some similar roads. I would wishfor her many of the good experiences I have had in the last 8 months, but, I would alsowish her to be spared some of the painful ones. May the love and prayers you all send her way, act as a filter for these experiences.

Perhaps also obvious, (but maybe to me only), is that my own path is nowhere near clear yet. I thought most of this chapter was over for me, I will now relive alot of it with her. Ican only presume that I missed some of the lessons, or that I already require a refresher course for the ones I forgot. No other sensible reason comes to my mind, as to why thiswould happen again so close to home. Perhaps this is part of her journey, and my illnesswas only ever meant to help pave the way for her. I can't begin to pretend I understand. Ionly know our destiny is entwined forever.

While you all have your prayer hats on, please pray that I don't let her down. Somethingis required of my greatest self, and I hope I am able to deliver. While we were growingup, Anita would always taste and I would finish up the dish! She would start somethingmotivated by interest, caring, passion or some other noble intention, and I would sweep itup, reinvest it's remnants, turn it upside down and then scream that I had bitten off morethan I could chew, and that it was all her fault for starting it in the first place! Everyonewe ever encountered growing up would ask her, how can a nice person like you, be bestfriends with that cow Soni? Please guys, show her how and why!

Love to you all,Soni


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From: "soni kanji"Subject: One more race to winDate: Mon, 10 Jun 2002

My dear friends,

I bet you are all thinking "oh no, another one of her emails". If you are, too bad, because Iam at it again. Since my last scan, we repeated another dose of radiation. It has now been3 weeks and tomorrow we are repeating the scan.

Whereas I have been very optimistic prior to all the other scans, I must admit that this onehas me very apprehensive. Perhaps it is because I have exhausted all radiation andchemotherapy available to me, pretty much for this lifetime! Although I think this tumour would have to be insane to stay in my body any longer, I still need to beg you all to put

your hands and hearts together, and say a prayer once more for it to be gone.Ironically, in a best case scenario..the tumour has finally succumbed to the radiationand shriveled up and died, never to raise it's ugly head again. In which case, we have themother of all parties planned and you are all invited. In a worst-case scenario, it hasstayed the same (or grown). In which case, we stop battling this on a physical level, andchange approaches to utilize more emotional and spiritual artillery. From where I amstanding right now, neither option is actually bad! One of my greatest fears is probablythat I will beat this thing, and my emotional and spiritual self will go back intohibernation, having only just surfaced.

Thank you all for sharing this journey with me, it is far from over, but this chapter isdefinitely coming to an end. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes, which havesustained me thus far. I have never felt so empowered in my life. Thank you all also for the prayers you directed towards my friend Anita, she is showing a marked improvementand gets better every day. Praise the Lord.

I will let you all know the results of the scan, so shine your party shoes.

Love,Soni


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From: renu malani

Sent: 04 September 2002 17:34

Subject: an update and a plea

Dear Everyone Where do I begin? I seem to have taken over my sister's job of her newsletters as sheisn't really up to being able to do it herself at the moment. They say ask and you shall receive, well I am here, asking once again for your prayers for Soni. This disease is relentless in her case and perhaps because she is as strong as she is,she has been given so much to overcome. Whatever the reason, things have gotten worseand more than ever we need your energies. She is in the second cycle of what they hope will be six cycles of a new chemotherapycombination drug. During that cycle she gets extremely weak, tired, mouth ulcers, youname it she gets it. She is being incredibly brave throughout it and the doctors do feelthey are having success with the treatment. However, it now seems that there is a newtumor, in her brain. The results of two MRI scans have not been 100% conclusive butthey do believe whatever it is is behaving like a tumor as it grew over the span of a fewdays. They have immediately started a radiation programme which involves two sessionsa day, seven hours apart for the next thirty days. This is going to be really hard on her during her low phases of the chemo cycle especially. This new lesion in the brain hascompromised two of the nerves that lead to the eye which has forced her to wear a patchover one eye as it causes double and triple vision. That is the short version. On top of this Ayeesha her oldest daughter is due to leave to begin Uni next week. It has

been the hardest decision for us to still send her off, but the decision is Soni's. AsAyeesha put it the other day, "mum I understand, you made four rockets and you want tosee at least one of them fly" She is so much my sister's daughter, despite me pretendingfor eighteen years that she was mine! So Ayeesha leaves to study Psychology and SocialAnthropology at Brunel University in Middlesex on her path to conquering the world for her mother's sake. It is also the hardest decision of her life. She is amazing and hasshoulders strong enough to bear the weight of the world, I am so proud of her dignity andcourage that she shows us everyday.


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I believe in my sister and I fully support any decision she makes and I am begging youfor your support and your prayers right now. I pray for her to have the strength to bear what she must and the courage to face the disease and conquer it. I pray that my mother who will be 71 and is facing every mother's worst nightmare, has the strength to supporther daughter in her darkest hours and I pray her children have learnt all the lessons my

sister worked so hard to teach them and will use the tools she gave them to rise abovetheir anguish, I pray that in my lifetime I am able to contribute something to thechildren's life and make up to them any pain they have suffered. There are so manythings to pray for, please don't hold back. One day I promise to write to you all with good news. Thank you all. Always Renu


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The following are letters I asked the people that Soni loved the most to write to her, totell her how they felt and how she impacted their lives. The first is from our motherwho of course cant be told how to do anything and did it in her own format that she felt was better. Bless her for her independence of thought, she is an inspiration, a

powerhouse and a woman born before her time!

A story about my Sonu

I am not a writer and this is not a book. This is an attempt to tell my grandchildren abouttheir mother, whom they have lost at a very tender age. It is an attempt to get them toknow what kind of a woman she was because it was important to her that her childrenknow her. The presence of a mother in a childs life is the soft touch which the goodLord provides to protect our young ones from the harsh realities of life. The mothers lap

is the safest landing place when one falls. My Soni was a victim of a cruel decision of destiny which took her away from her children. She had everything to live for and yetshe didnt. It is one of those mysteries of nature, which will never be understood by meremortals. She knew she had lost the battle and on her last night she pleaded with me to

promise her that her children would know her and her memories would not be lost in thenew set-up, which was inevitable. I promised and am now trying to keep that promise bytelling stories about her life, her beliefs, her ambitions, her courage, her compassion, her energy, her humor and above all her loyalties.

She was my second child, born into a family who was partial to boys. When they put her in my lap, I did not know whether she was a boy or a girl. She had the sweetest dimplesand I hoped that she was a girl because she was a lovely little thing and when her grandmother said Oh it is OK that she is a girl, at least there is boy before her I couldhave shouted yippee but of course I did not. I dared not. She was named Sangeeta butAnil, who thought she was the next door neighbours doll, called Soni, promptly startedcalling her Soni and Soni she stayed. She was born on an auspicious day, before Diwali,called Dhan Teras, a day when Indians buy gold coins for the Laxmi Pooja, so the nameSoni, which means gold seemed just right.

She grew up in the shadows of Anil. He was bigger than her, bullied her all the time butno matter how much they fought, they only had each other. They would tell each other stories every night as our social life was hectic and whereas her stories were long, full of dreams and always with a happy ending, his were basically, once upon a time there wasa dog called Rover and the story is over. She never held it against him. Every nightwhen we came home and I checked on them, they would always be holding hands eventhough I would know that before sleeping they had been fighting as there would be adivider line of batteries between the two of them. When I would let them tape songs andstories on cassettes, she would always speak about her brother, how tall and handsome hewas and he would always say Soni is a bum. It was a strange love-hate relationship

between them, and it somehow fizzled out when my third child Renu came along.


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Suddenly there was more on Sonis side. The sisters got closer and Anil could not copewith two girls and sort of moved his attention to sports and got involved in his life withthe boys. One thing never changed, Renu became the most loved child in the house.Soni loved her because she was hers, Anil loved her because she was so small comparedto him and my husband loved her as much as he did, for a reason which I never found

out!

In school life, there were a lot of times when Soni got into trouble. Once her report cardread She is a disruptive influence on the class. My Soni could talk, non stop, with or without an audience for an hour and not realize that there is no other sound in the room.When that report came home, her father gave her the first and only slap she ever got fromhim. She was small built and therefore hated to wear trainers and do P.E. and somehowmanaged to miss the P.E. classes all term. Whenever caught in the corridor by her P.E.teacher, she would run and the teacher would be shouting Sangeetaaaaaaaaa after her.She was the fittest of my children and yet did not do much of sports. Later on she pickedup squash and was good at swimming but her skill at playing board games was amazing.

No one ever won from her in Scrabble or Boggle or Trivial Pursuit or Taboo or Pictionary. We used to play Boggle with her on one side and the rest of the family on theother side and she would still win. Winning meant a lot to her. Even though she did notexcel academically, she was one of the smartest people I knew.

Growing up in a family which had different rules for girls and boys was difficult for her.Anil and her had common friends and they partied together but her curfew was 12 and hewould bring her home and go back to the party and come home much later. It must have

been frustrating for her to grow up with the older brother who threatened to break the bones of any boy who looked at her.

Shanu MalaniOctober 2009


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This letter from Diveesha, Sonis younger daughter says it all, beautifully.

Dear Mama,

Everybody says I now have your eyes, your smile, your cheekbones, your hair, your laugh ... and that's just the physical. There are just two things missing; your dimples, andyour way with words.

I know you'd understand that it's not easy for me to put down my thoughts and emotionsand in all honesty I resisted doing this until the last minute, but then I realised "hang on,its Mum!". You were the only one I did express myself to.

So, Happy Birthday Mum. Happy Birthday to the most gracious, kind, beautiful,sentimental, honest, ambitious, warm, loving, creative and funny person to have ever walked this planet. If you were still with us I have no doubt there would be a bigcelebration - champagne, fireworks, laughter, vol au vonts... the lot! Instead, however,everyone that loves you and thinks about you every step of the way, in everything we do,in every decision we make, every path we take, will be celebrating your life and 50 yearsof it. If I am half the woman you are by then, I consider myself blessed.

I miss you more as each day goes by, but I know that you're still here and I hope I'mmaking you proud - after all, I'm just doing what I know you would be too :)

Love always and forever,

Diveesha

p.s. "If Mum's Were Flowers, I'd Pick You"

XXXX


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This is from Anita, my sisters best friend in the world, who has been like a sister to me. I feel that a lot of the poems Soni wrote are actually about her relationship with Anita, she loved her very much. Anita grew up in our house and is like my mothers fourth

child, she is family.

To my dearest friend Soni,

This is probably one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write, the main reason beingthat it forces me to recognize that you are not physically here. That you are dead.

As far as I am concerned, you have never left. I have been speaking to you in my head,continuously. You have always been here within earshot, listening, understanding,

encouraging me, arguing with me, playing devils advocate to my ideas, as you are wontto do. Cheering me on when I succeed in a project or covet some great prize or award.Talking with you in my head is easier than talking to many other people I know who arealive. Writing to you feels odd, as it means acknowledging you are not here, physicallywith me.

I still refer to you in the present tense it never occurs to me to think of you as someonewho is in my past. Because you are not.

You have never been closer to me than the way you were through my own journey inillness. To everyone else, you had already succumbed to your own illness. But to me, youwere there. You sent me signals and signs, signs that only I was able to interpret. And Iknew it was you. And I knew that I would be ok.

During our youth, we shared a wonderfully symbiotic relationship, something I willtreasure until my dying day, when we will meet again. You always said that you would

be willing to take the knocks in life, even on my behalf so that I wouldnt have to. Andyou were even willing to share with me the lessons that the knocks brought you. And lifedished out plenty of opportunities for you to do just that.

Life can be like that unnecessarily complicated. Ruthlessly tough. Life made it hard for you to be you, made it hard for you to be completely understood and accepted, in your myriad of facets.

Yes, life is complicated, and it backed you into a corner. Until your beautifully sparklingwit and nature started to dim. Your beautifully complex nature, which at one time hadshone like a multi faceted prism of flickering lights that reflected color off of every facet,slowly started to dim. Slowly, one by one, the facets dimmed. And then you succumbed.But even when the cancer took away your body, and you were no longer in the physical,that didnt stop you. There you were, by my side, during my own journey with cancer,


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sharing your wisdom, your strength, and most of all, your presence. Just as you had promised me in our youth, that you would always do. I felt you, knew you were there,and was comforted. Your hand was always on my shoulder. Your presence was our littlesecret.

And then the day came when I got to be with you again, albeit for a very brief time.When I finally crossed over, there you were, in all your glory. Pain free. Happy. Free. Asyou as you could possibly be.

But you told me to go back. Why? And why did you choose to stay?

You dont have to answer. I know. This world is not ready for a soul such as yours. Thisworld is not ready for such a fearless display of brash honesty and freedom fromrelational and moral confines. Human nature only knows how to operate in shadows cast

by light and darkness. The world did not know how to respond to your passionate andardent nature. The world had nothing to offer you in return for who you are. Sadly, the

world was not ready for someone like you.Yet, you have made your mark on the world in more ways than you could possibly know.You continue to exist here through your beautiful children and one day through your grand children. And there are people here who have been touched by you in ways thateven they do not fully realize. I count myself fortunate to be one of them.Your legacy will never be lost, as this essence is a part of you that has always existed andwill always continue to exist. It is yours and only yours, yet it is not bound in your

physical existence. Some things are not bound by time and space. And death releases usfrom the limited confines of time and space.

With love always,Your friend Anita

October, 2009


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This is from Amrita, or as she has always been known to us, Rita, who is Sonis other best friend. They grew up together and always seemed to have an unspokenunderstanding between them.

My dearest Soni,

I have seen you through all your incarnationsas Sangeeta Malani to Shahani to Kanji.But for me you will always be the quintessential SONI.

As my closest friend you were always unwavering in your support and love. Always aquick phone call away to offer advice from my marriage, relationships, marketing ideasto how to find the best car mechanic or plumber. Youve fixed my computer, found mean apartment, taught me how to play a mean hand of poker and even helped deliver my

son at the hospital.How does one thank someone after theyre gone? Maybe like thisSoni I am going totake the liberty of writing down your thoughts and feelings for your family as I saw themthrough my eyes so that they can know you like I did.

To your parents:Soni loved you with all her heart. She was so grateful for your support when she moved

back to HK from Bombayshe would always praise your unwavering devotion to thegirls. In a way she felt like a son to youalways feeling the burden of responsibility for your welfare after retirement. Mrs MalaniSoni was so proud of your creativeendeavorsyour magnificent jewelry creations inspired her to be a great marketer to helpyou sell them. She loved your spirit and youthful energy.

To Renu your baby sister:She was an amazing sister to youwasnt she? My Godshe felt so personallyresponsible for youfor your happinessfor your successfor your healthfor your finances.for your relationships. She talked of you incessantlymostly with lovebutsometimes you frustrated her.Soni who was always in control and in charge andambitious couldnt understand how you went on with life so effortlessly and happily withnot a care in the world. Maybe you were her teacher is some ways. She always worriedabout youeven when she was sick.instead of worrying about the growth of her cancer.she would worry about how you felt.how much you would miss her after shewas gone. She was not afraid for her self.but for her family. What I remember mostwas her pride and joy over your relationship with the girlshow you were a secondmother to themhow they could come to you and talk about anything and everythinghow much you spoiled them, loved them, taught them. She was very grateful to you for that Renu. And your cooking!!!! That always hit the spot with Soni.


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into action. Wallpaper samples and crib catalogues showed up in my room and I just hadto give the nod. When I arrived home after three days with Shaq in my armsI walkedinto a decorated babys room.cloud wallpaper on the walls, a crib made up with fluffy

beddings, a change table and a weeks worth of diapers. That was SONI!!

You handled your illness with such courage and grace.I wasnt near you but we wouldtalk regularly on the phone and you would crack jokes and make me laugh.

I miss you my dear friend and youre always in my heart

Rita


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Raju is another of Sonis best and oldest friends, I remember her in our house when wewere growing up and how they used to laugh together and make crank calls to most of our parents friends!

29 October, 2009... "happy birthday my dear, dear soni! cant believe you're 50!i first met u when you were 17.. and you looked 17 for years and years! i hated you for that! just kidding my darling.. bet you still look 17! i can picture you up there chuckling...i never think of you as gone cos you're right here in my heart..thus i never refer to you inthe past tense...

but i do miss you alot... i talk to you so often and can sometimes actually hear youlecturing me!!! like you used to...i miss your smile, your sense of humour, your contagious laugh, our long talks over gin

& lime!! but most of all i miss you my dear friend...along life's road i found a friend who brought me joys untold, to fill my heart withhappiness more valuable than gold; a dream of bigger things to come, a friend, a faith, asmile- along life's road i found them all to make my life worthwhile...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY FOREVER DEAREST FRIEND!!! RAJU


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This is from Bhairavi, she is the wife of everyones favourite cousin Yogen. Yogen wasSonis partner in crime and an amazing support to her especially for the ten years shelived in India. I dont know what she would have done without him.Bhairavi is lovely

and my sister was so happy that she loves Yogen the way she does.

Was a great dayDay I met SoniWas during my weddingSo warm and thoughtfulWelcoming me in my new lifeWonderful friendship was bornHer beautiful smile

Deep dimples , so very cuteSpontaneity that amazesFrom kiwis in my pregnancyTo the knock on the door in Bangkok Thats her Always thereAlways readyAlways smilingHappy Birthday dearest SoniWithin meYou always will remainWith warm happy thoughtsWish you the best today and alwaysLots of LoveBhairavi & Yogen


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From our cousin Rani who lives in Japan, she used to come and stay with us a lot whenwe were kids. She is the oldest daughter of one of our fathers six brothers

Soni my darling cousin

You were the sunshine in the houseYour smileAnd your twinkling eyes said it allOr did they?You were a bundle of surprisesI loved you and I still doYou will never be no more for meYou and me our relation cant be over Everytime i see a dazzling smile short straight shiny hair You are there with meLove you so

God bless you in heavenMy darling angel

And from Ranis sister, Kiran.

Dear Soni,I still remember as if it were yesterday all the great summer holidays I spent with youguys in Hong Kong.Then you grew into a beautiful young woman, got married and came to adopt India asyour new homeYou gave love and opened your home and heart to my husband Raj and me.

Now you are no more and neither is he. But you both will ever live on in our hearts and prayers.I remember eating the best ever Chinese food at your place in Colaba.You went thru many downs in your life...but always came out on the top.Cancer claims so many precious people..wish more could be done for research in thisfield.Then we wouldn't have had to lose our precious gems in the family...You and Raj.Your cousin Kiran...who wishes she had spent more time with you.


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This next one is from Tracey Davies who worked with Sonis company Sallmanns Residential. Tracey and I had gone to school together and there was an instant bond between the three of us and Tracey became a very important part of all the familyescapades. Soni trusted her, cared about her and looked after her as her own.

Dear Soni,

When I called you the first time for a job vacancy at Sallmans I had never met you buthaving worked in the property business in Hong Kong for a while you were alreadyfamous to me as a slick businesswoman and the person who broke up the monotony of the South China Morning Post Property section with your quirky and witty propertyadverts , a breath of fresh air in an industry which took itself far too seriously! Peoplewho werent even looking for properties were scanning the property section just to seewhat adverts had been placed by you. My job interview with you was like none I haveever had or will probably ever have! You invited me on a junk trip to Potoi with a meal atone of my favourite seafood restaurants sounded too good to be true but no, it was a sign

of things to comeI started at Sallmans and you were just about to get married. Talk about chaos - seating

plans, wines, menus, trying to sort out accommodation for all the overseas guests, airport pickups and apart from that a business to run and property deals going down, most bridesto be would have been reduced to a mumbling mess but no, you took everything in your stride. If there was a problem you usually joked about it and then found a solution. Youwere the Queen of multi tasking, everything had to be perfect and you made sure thateveryone was well looked after and felt welcomed.

I really enjoyed working with you at Sallmans and there was never a dull moment in theoffice, you made me feel like family from the very first moment and there are too manythings to mention in one letter. The Soni/Renu team was also so special, both of you verydifferent personalities but you complimented each other so well and the banter betweenthe pair of you would crack me up laughing on a daily basis, when I think back to theoffice I have a picture of you sitting in your big high backed office chair one leg tuckedup underneath, the other barely touching the floor negotiating with some hardnosedlandlord in Chinese or English, a phone to one ear and usually juggling a ringing mobilein your other hand, There was no better entertainment for me than watching you negotiateyou were an artist and so good at what you did!! If there was another angle you found itand nobody was a better sales person or could think outside the box quite like you butsaying that, you were always fair and totally above board. You had a special way with

people whether it was the moaning old Chinese caretaker that guarded ferociously thekeys or information to a potential flat or a company director of a multi-national thatthought he was Gods Gift, everyone was treated equally and you usually managed tocharm them round just by being you.

When I left Sallmans in 98 you were in a good place in your life and seemed so content,newly married, Imran was a constant source of joy as were the girls. I lost touch and didnot find out about your death until a few years after it had happened, In some ways


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perhaps selfishly I am glad that I found out much later because to me those years that Ididnt know, you were still very much alive and whenever I thought of you it was withyour beautiful family, laughing and joking with Renu or wheeling and dealing and alwaysso full of life!

I believe you were special and were needed somewhere else which is why you had toleave us so early. Thank you for being such a special part of my life and I consider myself so lucky to have met you. You were unique and words cannot really express trulyhow you were, you were great fun and great company, I wont say goodbye, I dont knowwhen or where or how but have a feeling that we will catch up again one day .

Happy 50th wherever you are, I will be having a glass or two of champagne in your honour and I might even attempt a famous Soni champagne sabrage !!! I think youwould have been one of the coolest and trendiest 50 year olds around.

Thanks for being you.

Lots of love

Tracy xxxxxx


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Prabhu started out as the son of my parents good friends who lived in the same building as us in Jardines Lookout (aka Party Central!) It was an amazing time of their lives,everyone was growing up, falling in love, partying like mad. Prabu became a constant

fixture in our home and in our lives. Soni was very special to him

Soni, The One & Only

"If You Leave Me Now"Always On The PhoneHow Many Blue Jeans??Lunch Boxes?? Anytime!!Sneaking Off From Work Early

Working Girl - Paid 2 Use PhoneParty Girl - Always Ready 2 GoGirly Girl - Hair, Eyes & Make Up

That Smile & Oh Those DimplesSadly, Just The Guy Next Door Tirpun, Tirpun, Tirpun"Three Times A Lady"And So Much More .......

So many of Sonis old friends have reached out to me, found me on Facebook and told me how they felt about my sister. It is humbling to know how many people cared about her and her children. Maya is one of them

A heart of gold, A beautiful face,A vision I can never erase.A true friend from the start,Soni, youll always have a special place in my heart.

Miss you lots and I think about you all the time

Maya Panjabi


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This last one is from a very dear friend Jyoti. I remember when Soni was admitted intohospital to have her first surgery, Jyoti was leaving Hong Kong that day to relocate tothe UK. It was a major move for her and she had a million things to do. However, Sonihad mentioned to her that she had been told she would not be allowed to take a shower

for a few days after the surgery and wished she had some dry shampoo at least. Jyoti

showed up at the hospital with two cans of dry shampoo on her last day in Hong Kong. It meant the world to Soni that someone would care enough to do that. It was the kind of thing she would have done for a friend.

Yesterdays beautiful moments make todays beautiful memories Sadly Soni is nothere to create new memories with us, but her memories become doubly alive as time goes

by. She was vibrant, fun and wonderfully crazy.

A great deal of pleasure lies in having lived. Soni lived life to the max whether it broughther joy or sorrows. She was one of those that never said why it was always why not.I remember Soni for her youthfulness, her smile, her wicked sense of humour, her warmth. A few figures stand out as we look back to our life in Hong Kong quite likeSoni. Although we may not have spent as much time together as with most, there was atremendous amount of mutual affection. It is the wonderful memories of friends thatcame to us, that fill our solitude and give us a sense of the continuity of life.

Both Divya and Samir have said about Soni that she was one of my coolest friends.This poem made me think of Soni and how cool she has been with her beautiful spiritedkids. Always positive! Always happy! Facing good times and adversity with courage anda smile.

Light A Candle

light a candle,see it glow,watch it dance,when you feel low,think of me,think of light,

I'll always be here,day or night,a candle flickers,out of sight,

but in your heart,I still burn bright,think not of sadness,


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that I'm not near,think of gladness,and joyous cheer,I have not left,

I am not gone,I'm here to staymy little one,so when you light a candleand you see it glowand you watch it dancein your heart you'll knowthat I would never leave youeven when you feel so blueI'm sitting up here with the Lordand now watching over you

Soni, we shall celebrate your 50 th in the style that you entertained us for your 40 th withchampagne and happy memories. We will drink to you, our beautiful friend and in our hearts you will always hold a special place.

Jo, Dipoo, Divya and Samir

Tattered Thoughts

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