Talking about Race:

7 Guided Conversations

TALKING ABOUT RACE: 7 GUIDED CONVERSATIONS

Hey! You’re here! I’m all about celebrating that. No, I’m not patting your back for your racial justice work in the world and I’m not praising you for do-ing what we all need to be doing… but I am celebrating the actions you are willing to take. There is a difference. Courageous conversations are only as courageous as the actions that come from them. Let’s do both! I am grate-ful for your courage and commitment to be the change we so desperately need in this world.

I am Sara Alvarado. And I’m all about having challenging conversations. In 2013 I took a deep dive into my own racial justice journey. It happened fast in some ways and it was painfully slow in other ways. During those first couple of months I remember someone asking the question, “What can we do to fix these horrific racial disparities?” and the presenter answered, “Start talking about it…with your family, friends, co-workers.” I was NOT satisfied with that answer.

For one, it seemed too easy of an answer, almost like it was diminishing the

level of urgency and complexity of the problem. The second reason their answer didn’t sit well with me was because, as easy as it sounded to start talking about race, the reality was, I was embarrassed of how hard it actually was when I tried. I was raised to NOT talk about race, religion, and politics and now people were telling me that our lack of conversation around race was getting in the way of healing and dismantling racism in our country, in our communities, and in our own hearts. I was ready to push past my comfort zone. I needed to rebel against what I was taught. So I did just that (and am still doing it because it is a lifetime commitment) and now I’m here to guide you through some conversations you may not have had.

Here’s How it Works:• You are offered a conversation topic about race to discuss with someone.• There will be 10-30 minutes of prep work related to the topic that you will complete prior to your conversation.• Included are guided conversation questions for you to use, or you can make up your own.I highly recommend that you find a friend to do this with for accountability. You can either choose to engage together on these conversations or you can challenge each other to attempt these conversations with other people and then connect with your friend for accountability. I also recommend that you set a goal to have one conversation a week, or two a month (whatever works for you), and schedule check ins with your accountability partner.

Copyright © 2019, Sara Alvarado

BEFORE YOU BEGINConversation Guidel ines

I want to share some conversation guidelines adapted from the YWCA Racial Justice Initiative to help you through this work:

1. Use “I” statements. Don’t speak for another person or for an entire group of people.2. Avoid critiquing other’s experiences; focus on your own experiences.3. Be honest and be willing to share and be vulnerable. No one is expecting you to know everything.4. Be brief. The pause can create the perfect amount of space for a thoughtful response.5. Watch for detours and try to stay on topic.6. Listen with curiosity and the willingness to learn and change. Suspend judgement.7. Resist the desire to interrupt.8. Try not to take comments personally. Ask for clarification. Assume positive intent.9. Expect and accept unfinished business. We can’t figure it all out in one conversation.10. Learn to apologize with compassion. Do not get defensive when someone acknowledges your words hurt them.

Copyright © 2019, Sara Alvarado

The Goal:The goal of this challenge is to learn, to see the world with a racial lens, and participate fully in meaningful and sometimes challenging conversations. It is also my hope that with practice, you’ll begin to engage in conversations about race more effectively. If you attempt a conversation and it doesn’t go as well you hoped, consider it a success, and keep trying.

My Expectations for You: • Try. • Push yourself. • Allow yourself to be held accountable.• Be gentle with yourself when you mess up.• Keep trying.• Be open.• Practice active listening.• Follow the conversation guidelines. • Know this is a lifetime journey.

CONVERSATION 1What is race? Is it biological? Genetic?

Prep Work:1. Watch this 5 minute video called, Race the Power of Illusion.

2. Read this article called “I Don’t See Race - Racial Color-Blindness and Eradicating Racism.”

3. Reflect on the beliefs and understanding you grew up with and how you see race. Think or journal about the first time you remember encountering race in your childhood, whether it was among friends or with someone at school or in your family. Go deeper and think about biases you were raised with regarding race and athleticism, musical aptitude, intelligence. Do you automatically seek out those who look like you when you are in a room of people you don’t know? Do you know people who look like you but with whom you don’t have anything in common? Were you raised to be colorblind?

Guided Conversation Questions:• If you had a dinner party or someone threw you a birthday party and invited all your friends, how

diverse would your party be?

• What is the racial makeup of the people you work with, spend time with, and/or see on a regular basis?

• Do you think you have different experiences in life because you have a different skin color?

• Have you made the assumption that an Asian person was better at math and that Black people are more athletic?

• What did your parents teach you about race growing up?

• Have you ever thought of yourself as a racial being?

• Do you see race?

• Do you see yourself as Colorblind?

• If you are raising children, how are you raising them differently than your parents raised you in relationship to race?

Copyright © 2019, Sara Alvarado

CONVERSATION 2Identifying as white

Prep Work:Do you self-identify as white? Do you see yourself as a racial being? Many white people identify themselves by their gender before their race. I’m a woman. Whereas people of color often identity with their race first; a Black woman or a Chinese man.

Seek out an experience where you, as a white person/family, will be the minority at an event or a location. This could be a place of worship or a restaurant people of color frequent. Other options are parks or local community events, or celebrations where the majority of people are not white.

Guided Conversation Questions:• What does it mean to be white? How does whiteness define you?

• Do the spaces you spend time in consist of racial diversity or racial homogeneity, and do you notice the racial makeup when you walk into a restaurant? At your place of work? At a networking event? Within your friend group and on social media feed?

• How does it feel when you are the only white person in a room?

• What is your comfort level in different spaces where the majority of people in the room look the same or speak the same language?

Go deeper (optional):Learning about white supremacy is not something that happens in our educational system, yet it is crucial to understand if white people are going to be part of the disruption of racism. Read this article or google white supremacy and take an hour to learn, read, and follow wherever it takes you.

Copyright © 2019, Sara Alvarado

CONVERSATION 3How is whiteness a Privilege

Prep Work:1. Read this piece that Peggy McIntosh published in 1989. Notice where your whiteness has given you

privilege in your life.

2. Then watch this short video, “The Unequal Opportunity Race” (4 minutes) and reflect on the difference between equality and equity.

3. Optional video to watch (4 minutes), includes a list of privileges to evaluate. Super helpful!

Guided Conversation Questions:• Discuss white privilege and the responsibilities of those born with privilege. What other privileges do

you have?

• What privileges do others have that you don’t?

• What do you wish those with privileges would do to fight harder for those who don’t have the same privileges?

• What are ways in which you see injustice in the criminal justice system? In the education system? In the health care system?

• What is your understanding of intersectionality as it relates to privilege and your own experience in the world?

Go deeper (optional):1. Read this article and check out the video linked in the article called, What they did vs what they are.

2. Discuss intent vs impact and find examples of what that looks like from all angles in your own family and the importance of focusing more on impact and less on intent. Take it further outside of family dynamics and see if you can find stories where you acknowledge your own mistakes with this in the past. Sharing where you have misstepped and acknowledging your desire to be better and do better is helpful for you and in modeling the growth mindset with whomever you are talking with.

Copyright © 2019, Sara Alvarado

CONVERSATION 4Racial Representation Matters

Prep Work:1. Find a local political race, upcoming or in the recent past, and get familiar with the candidates using

a racial lens. Did the candidates address racial disparities, mass incarceration, issues pertaining to students of color, affordable housing, homelessness, policing? Are there women and people of color running for office? How important is it to you to be represented by someone that shares your experiences, gender, race, ethnicity, values? Dig deep regarding this question and journal about what it really means to you. Do you ever seek to hire professionals who aren’t white? Are the people you hire People of Color (Hairstylist, Mechanic, Doctor, Accountant, Dentist, Cleaning people, Banker, etc.)?

2. Read this piece about Racial Representation. Do you agree with the piece? Why or why not?

3. Watch this 1 minute clip about racial representation. She is amazing!

Guided Conversation Questions:• Are the majority leaders in your city and state people of color or are they white?

• Have you ever had a Doctor who wasn’t white?

• Have your bosses/supervisors been Leaders of Color? Does it affect how you perform? Would it matter to employees that aren’t white? Why or why not?

• What race are the waiters at your local restaurant? The cooks, the manager, the owner? Why does it matter?

Copyright © 2019, Sara Alvarado

I hope you are challenged and motivated by the conversations you are having. What have you no-ticed within the conversations that have surprised you? Have you gotten agitated by the work? How are you handling the discomfort in the conversations? Have you been able to talk about the discom-fort and model ways of working through that?

Helpful reminders as you do this work: be gentle. Don’t be too hard on yourself when conversations don’t go the way you want them to (remember to drop your agenda). If you find yourself getting defensive, argumentative or righteous, give yourself credit for noticing it so you can be proactive in responding differently as you move forward. Journal about the conversations to give yourself space to reflect on what worked and what didn’t work.

CONVERSATION 5Making Assumptions, Understanding

Stereotypes and Biases

Prep Work:This is a BIG one...and incredibly important. Please be honest with yourself. Take your time to process your own work before engaging in conversations with others.

Read this piece. It is easy to see someone and make an assumption based on our biases. Do you have any examples of this happening and how you felt? Journal about it. Has anyone ever made an assumption about you that you had to defend or prove wrong? How can biases and assumptions put someone’s life in danger?

Guided Conversation Questions:Share a story with the person you are talking to about a time you made an assumption about someone and how completely off the mark you were, what happened, and how you felt. Ask if it has ever happened to them. Listen and ask questions to help uncover where and how the biases and assump-tions created that situation. Try and find a way to talk about what needs to happen for us to change how we think (reframing biases). Make sure that whatever comes out of the conversation, it is clear that making assumptions can have a negative impact on a person and a whole community. Is there a recent event in the news that shows how a stereotype caused harm? Discuss the event. Has anyone ever ste-reotyped you? What happened and how did it feel?

Optional challenge:Watch a TV show or go to a movie with someone and keep track of the different stereotypes that are perpetuated and discuss how detrimental they are. This helps us notice how influenced we are by the media and entertainment industries.

Go deeper (optional):Learning about biases--the different kinds and how we can reframe them--is crucial work and can be incredibly challenging at a fundamental level.

1. Howard Ross does a deep dive into his book, Everyday Bias, in this hour-long video.

2. Howard Ross’ article is has great information too.

3. Verna Meyers’ 20 minute TedTalk about biases is off the charts!

Copyright © 2019, Sara Alvarado

CONVERSATION 6The N Word

Prep Work:Watch this 5 minute clip from an interview with Ta-Nehisi Coates that shows an intellectual breakdown of why white people can’t use the N word.

Guided Conversation Questions:Talk to someone about the N word. Do you or people around you use the N word? Have you ever listened to artists sing/use the N word? Have you used it? Why or why not? What about in songs, do you sing the word? Listen, let the person you are engaging with talk, and then share your thoughts about what you learned from the video. Also consider sharing your personal experiences with the N word, what you were taught and what you wish you would have known. Ask what the other person would do if they heard a white peer use the N word and play the ‘what if’ game or practice role playing the interaction.

Copyright © 2019, Sara Alvarado

Helpful tips to start a conversation:

• I’d like to talk about ____________ with you. I’m interested to know your thoughts. • I’d like to get your point of view on something. Do you have 15 minutes for a conversation with me

about ________.• I need your help with something that I’ve been thinking about/contemplating. Do you have a few

minutes to talk?• I think we have different perspectives about _____________________. I’d like to hear your thinking

on this. • I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear

your feelings about this and share my perspective as well. Can we make time to discuss this soon? • I’m having a hard time with what just happened (recent news event re: a racial injustice) and I’d

like to talk through it with you. • I just read an article about _______ and would like to share what I learned and see what you think.

CONVERSATION 7Language, Code Switching and Whiteness

Prep Work:1. Watch this video where Franchesca Ramsey talks about code switching.

2. Take notes about what you learned, what surprised you, and how you see an opportunity to change your perception.

3. Also watch Jamila Lyiscott’s video (4 minutes).

Guided Conversation Questions:• What do you think about double negatives like “I don’t want no more?” How does the way someone

speaks impact your thoughts and biases about them? Offer an example of your own biases and how you are learning to reframe them. Show them your own struggle with this in your daily life.

• Did you learn about AAVE (African American Vernacular English) in English classes growing up?

• Do you code switch? Do you have friends that code switch? How is it helpful or harmful?

• Who makes up the rules? Where do we learn them?

• How does the entertainment industry (film, music) perpetuate the messages we receive about language and biases?

Copyright © 2019, Sara Alvarado

Helpful tip:You can agree to disagree and you can also simply disagree. Sometimes we choose politeness over our truth when instead we can practice speaking our truth and finding integrity in that over worrying about what someone will think. For example, if I don’t agree with someone, it might seem easier or more polite to say, “I guess we can agree to disagree” when really I mean to say, “Actually, it’s not okay that you disagree with me because I feel strongly about xyz. I am going to stand firm in what I believe.”

This way, you can end the discussion without being okay with something you aren’t okay with. When we agree to disagree, it can seem like we are okay with the opposing belief. This is another option to that scenario.

Keep creating space for these important conversations. You are doing a great job!

YOU DID IT !

It is my hope that your commitment to challenging yourself with these conversations has opened your eyes in ways you might not have expected. It may be the end of this specific challenge but it can be the beginning of more courageous conversations that lead to courageous actions now that you have some tools in your tool kit. Did you overcome awkward and uncomfortable moments within your conversations? Discomfort is part of life. Navigating discomfort is a skill that you can improve or avoid. Your choice. Racial stress, racial conflict, racial discomfort are not experiences that white people have had much exposure to, therefore we have an opportunity to build resiliency. It’s our job to build racial resiliency if we are going to be part of the solution, part of the movement for justice. If these conversations showed you how much more there is to learn, along with an urgency to change, then you are on the lifelong journey of unlearning and seeing systems of oppression for what they are. So, what’s next in your work? Where do you want to take this? There are plenty of ways to keep learning and practicing how to disrupt racism. My suggestion is to practice self inquiry on a daily basis, read and read and learn some more. For a list of resources and recommended readings, please visit my website, www.SaraAlvarado.com. Keep fighting! Love more!

Copyright © 2019, Sara Alvarado

Sara Alvarado is a writer, speaker, entrepreneur, and co-conspirator in Madison WI who believes that the way to tackle difficult topics in both life and business is to show up real, raw, bold, vulnerable and always ready for fun. Through her speaking and writing, Sara creates awareness and inspires change by challenging people to think differently, feel deeply and disrupt with compassion.

To learn more about Sara’s work and read her blog, visit SaraAlvarado.com and connect on Facebook and Instagram or email Sara@TheAlvaradoGroup.com.