Talkin to Myself (poem)

8/12/2019 Talkin to Myself (poem)

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Talkin to myself

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Talkin to myself

I'm annoyed to have wrote something

so self obsessed

but some times you need

to write and speak

to communicate

some times

issues need addressed

exposed

examined

then put to rest

so here we go

I'll try ma best

I used to be SHY

used to be the loner type GUY

who would hole up in his ROOM

encased

isolated

like it was my TOMB

mistreatment made me hide

from the world out there

and turn inside

wrote songs to relieve my pain

bit ah cannae play an instrument or sing

so ah turnt tae poetry to deal wi everything

comfort eat

tae offset a sense of defeat


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aged 12

abused and disillusioned

ah turned misanthropic

ah dinnae ken exactly what started it

bit bi 14 ah hud managed tae stop it

tae change the topic

For the longest time

being told I'm shit

after long it becomes

all too easy

to believe it

Bullied

ignored

and insecure at school

my teenage years of angst

taught me people are cruel

an its true they can be

but that made me conditioned

to expect it

so when they werent that surprised me

It would take many more years

for that to be mind set I unlearnt

that some were bastards

but most weren't

For a long time

I've felt whatever I loved

my family disapproved


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when I had good luck

I dismissed it s chance

it's relation to my abilities

far removed

made to feel incapable

my desire for approval

became insatiable

I wanted to be wanted

a problem that always left

me feelin haunted

by fear of them leavin

maybe a ghost of my dad dyin

maybe I'm still grievin

For years been questionin

askin "what am I really good at

overlookin the task at which I'm sat

2008, I felt the worse kind of loneliness I'd ever known.

running through my mobile looking for numbers of people I could phone

Not getting a reply felt metaphorical of my alienation

Didn't feel part of

the world's population

connections were like a shallow pond and I only skating around the ice covered surface

I felt lost to anything without any drive or any sense of purpose

I threw my weight behind empty distraction but it could never last for long.

everything I did felt wrong

I was lost under a rushing weight of boredom

I scribbled hate and anger into a notepad,


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cried about the unjust world which robbed me of my dad.

I wallowed in a dank pit of self pity, desolate and despair.

I screamed till my throat hurt and walked for more reason than to get fresh air.

When your in that place you can't look outside

you can't judge with time and distance the value of the ride.

I felt like I was not worthwhile

I was vile

Human bile

Sludge

slime

A stain on time.

No job

distant girlfriend

family who pushed me away

Wasn't wanted to stay.

It felt to be building to a climax

one way or another

I had to leave the sparse tangled branches of this tree

this life which was drowning me.

Alcohol was no relief,

I had a few and then sank in my chair in grief

grieving for what was, wasn't and what could never be

The Social atmosphere reminded me of my emotional distance

from the rest of humanity.

The crushing guilt of jobcentre stig-ma

I can't remember whether I was pricked by sadness or piped with joy

when I saw on that wall ,


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noble poem Desi-de-rata.

People tried to do all they could do

but it wasn't getting through

the signal was blocked,

the doors were locked,

curtains drawn,

no one's home

My first love girlfriend

was pathological liar

tried to help her

god knows I'm a trier

I was so nave

she threw me away like you'd dump a body

on the funeral pyre

I think I nearly went Insane on Princes Street,

the world felt unreal and I could barely look up from my feet.

That was when I lost you, Miss Q

I just didn't know what I would do.

The idea of me finding love again seemed impossible

so I'd walk the dog without a hope in hell I'd ever be happy again.

my hair started to show signs of what was going on in my brain.

I'm not even sure if you understand what you did wrong

which one of us is the idiot though

when I kept speaking to you

nearly 4 years on

I annoyed myself by repeating the same old phrases and patterns

Still somehow I've forgotten them now.


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things like

I am worthless

I will never amount to anything.

I am unlovable.

I am too flawed.

Unwanted and undeserving of anything or anyone.

I am zero.

I am No one

and Nothing

A nihilistic joke, jobless and broke.

Spent all my money on being social.

Except made me realize all I didn't have

And it just made me angry and sad.

For all the travelling

I never found myself around there.

Just same old lack of care.

I hung out with a girl who didn't seem to mind

that we had only known each other a short space of time.

It was NOTHING more than friends when we went to the cinema

She invited me to her house

Tore me apart on Msn when I could've used her the most.

They fired me from wiping up shit

because my " dress and appearance was inadequate"

I didn't give a fuck

I was already all out of luck

My only awkwardness was saying bye,

to a guy


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I had worked with knowing I'd not see him again

During that period I had more success finding jobs

than I've ever had before , I was desperate then.

a Indian girl I had just met that day, told me I had a kind heart

and slowly, all the deep bullshit I was swimming in broke apart

and I hammered those shattered fragments of self in a forge like Vulcan

Walking in the summer sunlight, done with fucking bellyachin' and the sulkin

Somehow I just dusted myself off over a very short time.

brushed off whatever

whatever all that was

fixed in my mind.

Opened the box and found a new optimism

developed a worldview with more realism

met a girl and hurried into the future

The I-ching advised me on beauty and hope

Tao Te Ching taught me everything I needed

to work my way out the smoke

My second girlfriend

was so Selfish

we had grown bored

and I hud gote tired of her pish

ah'm no saint

ah kin definitely be a twat

but I know the universe doesnae revolve aroond me

ah think bigger thinn that

She nearly cheated and we broke up

I was hurt but soon thought


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"thank fuck"

began enjoying myself like I never did before

Got into activism

the world became my oyster

and everywhere I saw an open door

She taught me about masel

So I don't brood on it or dwell

"Everything changes,

Everything is fleeting

everything ends

that's not pessimism

that's just the harsh product of my experience"

These insecurities

I have

are not inborn

but things I have learnt to THINK

the vicious cycle can only lead

me to the water

but bad habit cant make me DRINK

I realized these were ways I'd been CONDITIONED

negative perspectives in which I'd let myself be POSITIONED

separated from the best in me

in SOCIETY

from these self imposed

BERLIN Walls

but like solidarity

I need to hammer them


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till each one falls

Only within recent years

have I learnt to believe in MYSELF

Stop watchin life pass me by

Sittin on the SHELF

Took up mottos

"Life as adventure"

"Life as art"

I must shape who I want to be

best I can

I must create my part

Talkin to Myself (poem)

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