t a b l e o f c o n t e n t s

t h e s h a r e d G l o r y o f M a r r i a G e p G 1

t h e J o u r n e y t o w a r d c h r i s t l i k e n e s s p G 3

h o l i n e s s i s w h a t i l o n G f o r … . p G 6

l o v i n G a n i l l u s i o n : t h e J o u r n e y t o w a r d a u t h e n t i c i t y p G 1 3

d a M n e d b y d e n i a l p G 2 1

u n d e r q u a l i f i e d p G 3 1

t r u e G o d l i n e s s p G 3 4

e v e r y t h i n G t h a t c o n t a M i n a t e s p G 4 0

Every Good Marriage Begins with a Funeral© 2016 Gary Thomas.

t h e s h a r e d G l o r y o f M a r r i a G e

Shared holiness is shared glory. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 3:18: “And all of us,

with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are

being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another; for this

comes from the Lord, the Spirit.”

I am to look on my wife, my sister in Christ, with awe, as she is transformed from

“one degree of glory to another,” a path of progressive Christian growth in which

Christ becomes more and more real to us. Yes, He is always perfect and completely

real, but He does not always seem that way to us. We forget, we cover Him up, and

Paul would say it is the Spirit’s work to release Him more fully into our lives and, we

could add, into our marriage.

The whole point of the mirror is that we see Christ reflected in each other. For some

of us, those “mirrors” may resemble the ones you find in carnivals—distorting us,

making us look extra tall, or extra short, or extra fat, but the work of the Spirit is to

refine that mirror, to refine us, so that others get a gradually more focused view of

the glory—not of our holiness, but the glory of the Lord Himself.

Marriage is a shared journey toward holiness. That is the basis of Christian marriage

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that I will explore. But I want to note that there are several curves and bumps along

that journey that we’ll talk about. Some of these will sound contradictory, or just

wrong. Like the fact that every good marriage begins with a funeral. Every spouse

somehow, some way, annoys their partner. Marriage can be damned by denial, by

not speaking the hard truth. There is such a thing as holy hate to keep a marriage

strong. Divorce often occurs not because of a partner’s character but because of the

lack of marriage skills in both partners. We’ll talk about authenticity, and how most

of the time we who are married are in love with an illusion of ourselves, not who we

really are, which makes an authentic marriage really tough. But before I get into

all of that, let me turn our attention toward this journey toward Christlikeness, this

holiness you and I really long for.

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t h e J o u r n e y t o w a r d c h r i s t l i k e n e s s

The apostle Paul had goals. His goal was to proclaim the Gospel (Phil. 1:12, 18). His

goal was to become ever more like Christ (Phil. 2:5; 3:10). His goal was heavenly

rewards (Phil. 3:12-14, 20-21). His goal was to leave an example that others could

follow (Phil. 1:14; 4:9). I think those are goals every marriage should adopt.

Let’s look at our marriages in the light of achieving these goals. Some of your

marriages may feel like prisons of loneliness. Some of your families are facing

medical and financial catastrophes that threaten to suffocate you if you think about

them for longer than five minutes. Some of you can’t take a step, can’t draw a breath,

without physical pain. Some of you are hurting because a close friend or relative has

moved away, and you feel isolated.

I can’t relate, and I can’t even pretend to relate. But reading through Philippians, I

was struck by how intensely the apostle Paul could relate to each situation I’ve just

mentioned. He wrote the book of Philippians while in a Roman prison. Most likely, it

was after his first appeal had been denied and things had taken a serious turn. No

longer under house arrest, he’d be in a standard, horror-house prison of first century

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Rome. The sentence of death hung over his head like a perpetually-overcast sky

hangs over Seattle in November.

It was in this context that Paul wrote, “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again:

Rejoice!” (4:4).

It was in this context that Paul wrote, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in

everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God,

and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts

and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (4:6-7).

It was in this context that Paul displayed the power of a soul who could live in

deprivation, ignominy, fear of death, physical pain, and hunger: “Whatever is true,

whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is

admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (4:8).

It was in this terrible, ultimately life-ending ordeal, perhaps being assaulted by

hunger pangs and sleeping on stone, without any “assurance” of his safety, that Paul

wrote, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…I have learned

the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry,

or whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me

strength.” (4:11-13).

The book of Philippians contains some ominous words as Paul openly debates

whether he will survive this imprisonment, finally telling his beloved followers

“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.”

(1:27).

Paul’s words here, “Whatever happens, “conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of

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the Gospel”—are pretty clear. Not just, “whatever happens, believe the Gospel”

(even the demons believe in the truth of the Gospel), but “conduct yourselves in a

manner worthy of the Gospel.”

Whatever happens…

Marital happiness or unhappiness. Children’s rebellion or obedience. Health

or sickness. Abundance or scarcity. Employment or unemployment. Whatever

happens—conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the Gospel.

Consider, in the book of Philippians (and remembering the historical situation) how

a man who had every earthly reason to be bitter, frustrated, angry and resentful

found a heavenly reason to be hopeful, joyful, thankful and worshipful. He clearly

conducted himself in a manner worthy of the Gospel.

And we are invited to follow Paul as he followed Christ.

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h o l i n e s s i s w h a t i l o n G f o r … .

Legend has it that in a land far away, many centuries ago, there lived a husband

who welcomed his wife’s rebukes. When she challenged him on some weakness in

his character, he listened patiently and humbly, thanked her for her loving concern,

made her remarks a matter of prayer, and changed his behavior accordingly.

Eventually, he became known as “the husband who welcomed his wife’s rebukes.”

Have you heard of that legend?

No?

There’s a reason for that.

It doesn’t exist. It’s too far-fetched. Who would ever believe that a man like that

exists?

Except that Proverbs kind of encourages us (men and women alike) in that direction.

Proverbs 12:1 puts this attitude in bold-faced, italicized print: “Whoever loves

discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.”

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I don’t have to consult the commentaries on this one. The Bible says that if I hate my

wife’s loving challenges, I’m stupid.

In fact, it’s even worse. A straight-out translation would call me an “ignoramus,” as

the word “refers to a stupid man who does not have the rationality that differentiates

men from animals.”1

This is where believing that God designed marriage to make us holy even more

than to make us happy becomes so relevant. Though Proverbs is written primarily to

young men, and this instruction is most naturally seen as that between a parent and

child, we know from many biblical passages that “growing” our character is a work

that is never completed. If I truly desire to grow in holiness I will, indeed, welcome

my spouse’s appropriate rebukes. “Understanding” and “wisdom,” biblically

speaking, are something we pursue and attain, not something we’re born with: “He

who listens to reproof acquires understanding.” (Prov. 15:32).

It’s not that I love being rebuked; it’s that I love knowledge and understanding, and

reproof is the road I have to travel to get there. My wife can be more objective than

I can in seeing what my behavior looks like without me trying to defend myself. The

Bible tells me my heart is deceitful; that I can’t truly know myself, and so how kind

of God to give me a spiritual sister in Christ who can protect me from delusional

thinking.

Paul told Timothy that “godliness is valuable in every way” (1 Tim. 4:8) and placed

this exhortation “among the things you must insist on and teach.” (1 Tim. 4:11). Do

we truly believe godliness is so valuable—in every way—that we will welcome our

spouse’s help to get there? Paul urged Timothy—and in urging Timothy, urges us—

to “set the believers an example in speech, and conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.”

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(4:12). We need examples, we need people speaking into our lives, and our spouses

can be a tremendous help in that regard.

The challenge, of course, is that sometimes I’d prefer to be delusional and

comfortable than convicted and unsettled. As long as I remain in this state, I will

resent my marriage and the exposure it brings instead of being grateful for it.

So, here’s a wild date-night idea. In the interest of holiness, what if husband and wife

were to go to a nice public place, unarmed, with no knives in sight, and both ask

(and then answer) one question: “What one area do I need to grow in to become

more like Christ?” Before you do that, friends, please—read, re-read and memorize

Proverbs 12:1.

If this sounds like a really boring date night, I want you consider how serious you are

about pursuing holiness.

1 Chou-Wee Pan, NIDOTTE, 1:691, s.v. b’r, cited in Bruce Waltke, The Book of Proverbs (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2004), pg. 520.

What I Long For

How badly do you want holiness? Not just a declared holiness, where you are little

changed but given a new label, but the kind of holiness in which you are remade,

reshaped and transformed, gradually, into a person who more closely resembles

Jesus Christ?

Some call teaching about such change “moralism,” or “teaching of the law” or

“living by the law,” as opposed to their teaching that is “Gospel-centered” and

focused on “grace.” God forbid that we should let these truths go to war against

each other! The same Paul who told us we exist solely on grace, wrote to the

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Thessalonians, “As you know, we dealt with each one of you like a father with his

children, urging and encouraging you and pleading that you lead a life worthy

of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory” (1 Thess. 2:11-12) and to

Timothy, “Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, gentleness.” (1

Tim. 6:11).

It is a joy and privilege and spiritual honor to pursue Christlikeness and spiritual

growth, with the Holy Spirit compelling us and empowering us from within—

gradually becoming people who are more courageous and less angry (at the wrong

things); gentler with others’ sins, more understanding, and more humble in our

approach to God and others.

One of the key components of a sacred marriage is the role of marriage to help us

become more like Christ—to experience a new level of freedom from sin and the

joy of becoming more like Christ in a positive sense. In seminar after seminar, I have

used 2 Corinthians 7:1: “Dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that

contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.”

Aiming for perfection is not living by the law, it’s living by the Spirit. I’m not chasing

the law—I’m chasing Christlikeness, or even better, surrendering to Christlikeness

as His Spirit counsels, convicts, empowers and compels. We can become “better,”

more moral people on our own effort, but we’ll never “perfect holiness” without the

Spirit, any more than we could move out of the earth’s atmosphere without being

carried by a rocket. It takes more dependence on the Spirit to “perfect holiness”

than it does to accept a mere label of forgiveness.

Aiming for perfection is not the denial of grace but the confirmation of grace.

Accepting grace as pardon but not as transformation, is tantamount to chewing food

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and then spitting it out. You taste it, but you are never nourished by it.

”Management” of sin can descend to a cold morality that is lifeless, pathetic and

ultimately hopeless. Apart from grace, acceptance, justification and assurance,

talking of fighting sin and growing in Christlikeness is like trying to convert an

English speaker by talking in Chinese. Any good you do will be by accident. But

within the warm confines of a heart that has been adopted by God, the pursuit of

Christlikeness is a joyful invitation received with enthusiasm. The two realities are

captured perfectly in the book of Hebrews: “By one sacrifice he has made perfect

forever those who are being made holy.” (10:14). We are perfect, positionally, but

experientially, we are being made holy.

I initially titled this section “the journey toward perfection” but was concerned that

I’d lose people before they even engaged with the content. But this is where I got

the initial idea from (that, and Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:48). This is one of the things

I so love about marriage: it really does give us an amazing opportunity to pursue this

perfection (though we’ll never attain it), and to have our heart’s motives laid bare so

we can see the sin, repent of it and embrace the Spirit’s call and power to become

new people.

Our greatest need is to grow in our ability to love. Paul doesn’t tell husbands that

all we need to do is to remember we live by grace and then “rest” in that grace

and stop focusing on how we’re growing in holiness. On the contrary, he exhorts

husbands to love our wives as Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25-26). He tells us,

“Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.” (Col. 3:19). He doesn’t

tell women, “The only thing that matters is that you’ve been forgiven, so don’t worry

about growing, stop concerning yourselves with how like Christ you are and just

remember He is righteous.” Instead, he urges older women to train younger women

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how to love their husbands (Titus 2:14) and adds when writing to the Colossians that

wives must treat their husbands “as is fitting in the Lord.” Paul didn’t fear imperatives

(the “shoulds” and “oughts” of Scripture), and neither should we. They are our

friends, blessed truths in the form of invitations, not heavy burdens.

Legalism is a danger. If someone honestly thinks that loving their spouse is how they

get to heaven or what sets them up to be accepted by God, that’s a big problem—

theologically, a fatal one. I want to say that you could be the most loving husband

or wife in the world and still go to hell if you’re not carried to heaven by faith in

Christ, except that I don’t believe you could be the most loving husband or wife in

the world without being empowered by the Holy Spirit (which requires you being in

Christ). Even so, plenty of “good” husbands and wives will spend eternity separated

from God because our first work is to believe in the One He has sent (1 John 3:23).

But in my sphere of ministry, I see an equal challenge: the complacency of believers.

We don’t value this aspect of marriage—how it invites us to become more like

Christ—because in our pride we think we are holy enough already, or that because

we are declared holy, it is somehow a denial of God’s declaration to intentionally and

thoughtfully practice it in daily relationships.

The other reason this is so practical is that most couples are “mismatched”—one

is hypersensitive, the other harsh; one is extroverted, the other introverted; one is

disciplined to a fault, the other is spontaneous. Without an “ethic of growth,” we will

start judging each other (using ourselves as the yardstick) instead of trying to learn

from each other. It is spiritually cancerous to ask, “Why can’t you be more like me?”

instead of what we should ask: “How can I become more like Christ?”

We don’t realize “Why can’t you be more like me?” is the question we’re asking,

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but it is. If we’re not seriously pursuing becoming more like Christ, that in itself is an

assumption that we’re our own standard. What we’re really saying is, “Why become

more like Christ when I can stay like me?”

If we would turn every, “How come you’re not more like me?” into “How can your

differences model to me how to become more like Christ in a way I’ve been blind

to?” we’d all benefit much more from our spiritual differences and our marriages.

Can you accept that it is at least a possibility that your spouse better represents

Christ in certain areas than you do, and then ask God to help you learn from them

and grow in that area?

This is worthy of much more exploration, so let’s jump into it.

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l o v i n G a n i l l u s i o n :t h e J o u r n e y t o w a r d a u t h e n t i c i t y

Younger people missed a rite of passage that haunts the memories of my

generation: awful tasting medicine. The more it cured us, the worse it tasted. It was

almost like some malicious chemist named Hitler or a pharmacist named Charles

Manson came up with a taste designed to punish us for getting sick. We’d hold our

noses, grimace, and our moms would force that awful “good for you” stuff down our

throats.

All you Generation Xers and Millennials who got to feast on gummy-bear vitamins

and cough syrup that tastes like bubble gum can’t possibly realize just how good you

had it.

But here’s the thing: those awful tasting medicines made us healthy.

We didn’t expect to like them. They weren’t supposed to taste good. But they

accomplished their purpose.

Spiritually, many of the things that “cure” us or “grow” us taste awful. I’m afraid

we’ve entered a time of history, though, where everything is made so easy, so young,

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that we’ve lost the thought of bad-tasting medicine that is bad for the taste buds but

oh-so-good for the soul.

You’ll resent your marriage, you’ll resent your spouse, you’ll resent your kids, you’ll

resent your in-laws, if you don’t have the notion that we’re all sick and we all need

to get “better.” We need to cure our impatience, selfishness, sense of entitlement,

pride, apathy, laziness, coldness and so many other fevers.

When God uses awful-tasting episodes in marriage to treat spiritual sicknesses in

your soul, try to understand, “I’m sick and I need this. I want to spit it out, but if I’m

honest, I know I need to deal with this issue in my life.”

Otherwise, we just become forgeries.

The Real Mary

Art forgery goes back thousands of years. During many periods in art history,

talented apprentices sought to learn their trade by deliberately copying the masters.

That doesn’t constitute forgery unless an imitation is passed off as the original.

When a painting is an “authentic” Picasso or Van Gogh, its value can soar into the

millions. An extremely talented painter could create a “knock-off” imitation so close

that a casual observer (99% of us) could never tell the difference—but the value

would still be in the thousands or even hundreds, not the millions, because it’s not

“authentic.”

Different artists have had different feelings toward forgery: Picasso once reportedly

said that he would sign a “very good forgery.” But the notion of authenticity

matters very much to collectors, whose income depends entirely on the confirmed

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provenance of any given work.

Marriage calls us to pursue a new level of authenticity. We are not finished paintings;

we are rather an active canvass on which God is constantly working. The main

problem is that some of us act as if we are finished and ready to be framed. It is so

easy to live in an illusion, and most of us do. Henry Drummond, author of the 19th

century classic The Greatest Thing in the World, once talked about the “six people”

in every relationship:

John:

1. The real John, known only to God

2. John’s ideal John—John as he thinks of himself, but not as he really is

3. Mary’s ideal John—John as Mary thinks of him, not the real John, or

John’s ideal John

Mary

1. The real Mary

2. Mary’s ideal Mary

3. John’s ideal Mary

Marriage can help John discover the real John and seek to know the real Mary, even

as Mary, also, seeks to discover the real Mary and get to know the real John.

Here’s the problem, however: the real person can terrify us. There is a certain kind of

husband I want to be, but that may vary widely from the kind of husband I really am.

I can either live with an illusion and resent any implication by my wife that I am less

than my illusion, or I can consider myself a “work in progress” and value the process

of marriage as it reveals to me who I really am—who God knows me to be.

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Not as Helpful as I Thought…

A student in my seminary class at Western Seminary (Portland, OR) found this

process to be true in his own life. A biblical principle found in Romans 1:21 and

Hebrews 3:13 teaches us that sin does more than skew our actions—it skews our

perceptions. The more selfish we become, for instance, the less we realize just how

selfish we are. The more pride takes over, the less aware we become of just how

prideful we are. This happened in Dean’s marriage, and I’ll let him explain how:

Sacred Marriage served as a mirror for me as a husband. Emily and I have

been married for eight years. We have three children. Since the birth of our

baby girl 6 months ago, I have constantly found ways to protect my precious

“cave time” where I can be alone by myself and do the stuff I want. I was fully

aware of the fact that cave time is expensive (I love the way you put this!)

especially for my wife. Having my cave time means she would have to care for

three kids all by herself. But it was so necessary for me to wind down from the

daily craziness I didn’t know of any other way to relax at the end of the day.

Having read Sacred Marriage and learnt about the importance of sacrificial

thinking, I tried letting go of my “right” to cave time. The reward is amazing!

It is all about the change of attitude and perspective. I started to help with

the children even when I was tired. All along I thought I was a pretty hands-on

dad. I was so wrong. It was not until I decided to help when I didn’t feel like

helping that I realized I actually didn’t do that much because I felt like I

deserved a break. After a couple weeks of stepping up more, I realized that

taking care of my children and giving Emily some time off is one of the best

ways to love her at this phase of our lives. Time is so precious for her; she

could hardly take a breath from being a mom. So when I offered to watch the

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kids so she could hang out with her friends, it meant a lot to her.

Notice, Dean had to come to grips with the gap between the husband he thought

he was, and the husband his actions were revealing him to be. Sometimes, quite

frankly, we can be really mean. We can be deplorably selfish. We can even be cruel.

We don’t like to think of ourselves as mean, selfish or cruel, but if that’s what our

actions reveal, we need to come to grips with that.

I experienced this following the 9/11 attacks on our country.

There’s a Monster in the Airport

After 9/11, gone were the days when I could show up at our small, regional airport

thirty minutes before my flight. In fact, the airline I flew closed down all flights from

Bellingham, Washington, meaning I had to drive ninety miles to Seattle.

The lines were ridiculous, and the searches were so intrusive they bordered on the

ridiculous. In the early days of paranoia, I had agents grill me on medication and

look suspiciously at the most innocuous of items. It’s one thing to endure this on a

twice-a-year vacation; when you get on planes just about every week of your life, the

inefficiency, slowness and hassle can make your blood start to boil.

I grew irritable at the weekly harassment. I just wanted to get through security, catch

my flight and reach my destination.

Several months later, Lisa was traveling with me for the first time since 9/11. She saw

the brusque way I pushed through the airport, the lack of grace evident in my life

when I muttered under my breath, and my overall demeanor, and she was appalled.

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“Gary, would you dial it back a bit? I’ve never seen you like this. What’s the matter?”

I thought about what she said and realized she was right. I had become a practical

atheist on the road. I wasn’t praying for people I saw. I wasn’t looking for ministry

opportunities. I was trying to survive, and doing so with a critical spirit.

Because Lisa had held up a mirror to my sin, over the next several trips I started

praying for people that I passed. I tried to be open to opportunities where God

might want to use me. And a certain joy (and yes, happiness) entered my life, even

while traveling.

I’m so thankful for this mirror God has given me in my wife. We become blinded to

our faults all too easily, and our spouse, who knows us best, can lovingly point them

out. As fellow believers, we are called to encourage each other to grow in character.

I don’t want to be like I was in the airport—just by pointing that out, Lisa helped me

to change, and for that I’m very grateful.

Can we accept that John knew what he was talking about when he wrote, “If we

say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we

confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us

from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and

His word is not in us” (1 John 1:8-10)? Can we accept that James was an authority

when he wrote, “We all stumble in many ways” (3:2)?

If so, then this means I stumble, and not just occasionally. I stumble in many ways.

God’s desire is that I stumble in fewer ways, so when my wife can be a partner in

holiness, then I will cherish that spiritual work. She’s like a personal trainer at the

gym. Granted, sometimes you might hate a personal trainer (I’ve never had one, but

I could imagine), particularly if he/she puts you through a grueling workout. But you

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know that’s what you need, so you respect and even, in a sense, appreciate their role

enough to pay them.

Can we do that with our spouses? Can we take spiritual growth seriously enough to

humbly accept their help, without resentment and even with gratitude? Even if your

spouse doesn’t seem as serious about the Lord or as mature in the faith as you are,

God can still use them.

Or do you think you’re too far along in your holiness to benefit from any of your

spouse’s loving critiques? Seriously—does your pride reach that far? When talking

to young preachers, the inimitable Charles Spurgeon begged would-be teachers to

find critics so that they could improve: “Get a friend to tell you your faults, or better

still, welcome an enemy who will watch you keenly and sting you savagely. What a

blessing such an irritating critic will be to a wise man, what an intolerable nuisance

to a fool! Correct yourself diligently and frequently, or you will fall into errors

unawares…”2

We enter marriage with much unfinished business and many past hurts. God desires

the marriage relationship to be a place where those hurts are healed as biblical love

is modeled. It was this understanding that led me to ask the question that launched

Sacred Marriage, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to

make us happy?”

Are you willing to go on a journey to discover your authentic self, knowing that it will

be painful and at times ugly and hurtful—but also knowing that we have a God who

loves, accepts and forgives us, who promises to redeem us, and a spouse who will

stand by us? In one sense, you don’t get to choose whether you’re willing to do this.

God has already chosen it for you: We naturally rebel against the spiritually formative

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1 Charles Spurgeon, Lectures to My Students, vol. 1, location 2357.

aspect of marriage, hoping we had signed up for something much different. Jesus

promises us that God has an agenda to perfect us: “I am the true vine, and my

Father is the vine-grower. He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit. Every

branch that bears fruit he prunes to make it bear more fruit.” (John 15:1-2).

There are two realities here: be barren and get cut off, or be fruitful and get pruned.

Jesus doesn’t offer a third option. If God is Lord of your life, He is pruning your life—

and that hurts.

Here’s the thing, though: God doesn’t heal and transform on the back of denial. He

heals on the back of conviction, confession and repentance. It’s a call to authenticity.

Will we accept, “I’m not there yet” and then invite our spouse to help us discover

the authentic self we truly are, so that that authentic self can become more like

Christ?

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d a M n e d b y d e n i a l

What is the best way your spouse can bless you?

Some of you might immediately jump to your “love language.”

“Presents, presents, presents!”

“Spend more time with me, talk to me instead of jumping on the computer.”

“Help out around the house more.”

“Acts of cleaning.”

That’s your human side talking. Those might be legitimate desires and worthy of a

conversation, but they should not be your highest desires in a sacred marriage.

In a marvelous sermon delivered within days of Jesus’ ascension, Peter told a hushed

crowd, “God raised up his servant, he sent him first to you, to bless you by turning

each of you from your wicked ways.” (Acts 3:26).

One of the best ways your spouse can bless you, one of the best ways Lisa could

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bless me, is to turn us from our “wicked ways.”

The Bible describes Jesus’ love for the church (in the very context of husbands

loving wives) as dying to “make her holy…so as to present the church to himself in

splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may

be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives...”

(Eph. 5:26, NRSV).

Paul tells Titus (once again, shortly after discussing family relations, including

husbands and wives), “[Jesus] gave himself for us that he might redeem us from all

iniquity and purify for himself a people of his own who are zealous for good deeds.”

(2:14, NRSV).

If it is true that Matthew 6:33 should drive our lives, “seeking first His righteousness”

is one of our highest calls. So I should welcome Lisa blessing me by turning me from

my wicked ways and encouraging me to be zealous in good deeds, even more than I

relish her exercising my love language.

I’ve been a believer for over 40 years, but even so, I might still miss that negative

attitude. I might be blind to how I am hurting others, hurting her, neglecting God. I

might think an occasional indulgence is occasional, when in fact it is gripping me in

its near-addiction. These are things often only a spouse sees.

If some of you are thinking, “Oh—I want to bless my spouse this way!” you’re

missing my point. I want you to be blessed! Will you even invite your spouse to bless

you this way: “Help me grow in righteousness, please? Where am I falling short?”

If we believe Scripture that this is a blessing, shouldn’t we seek such a blessing?

Shouldn’t we welcome it?

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But we don’t always view repentance as a blessing, do we? Sometimes we even

resent it when our spouse acts as God’s servant to point out our short-comings. So

we read passages like the above and immediately think, “So, how can I clean up my

spouse?”

If we really saw turning from wickedness as the true blessing it is, we would instead

ask our spouse to bless us. “I want this—I really do. I want to walk in holiness. I want

to grow in Christlikeness. Be gentle, please, but tell me—where do I dishonor Him?”

Please understand the heart behind this: there is no greater joy than obedience.

Peace, joy, and happiness are in fact hidden behind goodness. Disobedience of any

kind assaults our peace, it assaults our joy and sense of assurance, it takes a toll on

our relationships. Growing in grace is simply growing in the abundant life. We’re not

“getting away” with anything when we sin; we’re hurting ourselves and we’re hurting

others, even though it doesn’t always feel that way.

Once we are in Christ, God treats us as a physician, not a malicious coach who

just wants to make us hurt or go without. If sin served us and blessed us, he would

command us to sin. But it destroys us so, like a spiritual physician, he convicts

us, makes us hate what we’ve just done, comforts us, binds up the wounds we’ve

inflicted on ourselves, and prescribes remedies.

The Problem of Denial

We can’t pursue perfection if we act like we’re already there. Yes, positionally, before

Christ, we are already there, in the sense that we have Christ’s righteousness as

our own. But all of us are called to “perfect holiness out of reverence for God” (2

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Corinthians 7:1). It sounds curious to perfect what we already have, but that’s the

biblical teaching, and it’s what marriage serves so well—taking us out of our denial.

Think about how serious denial is, how ingrained it is within us humans. What, for

instance, was the first thing that Adam and Eve did after they sinned?

They both denied it.

What did Cain do when confronted with his murder of Abel?

He denied it.

And what do we do, when marriage puts a spotlight on our sin?

All too often, we play the same game and deny it, too.

Men get caught in a pornographic web, their wives catch them, but instead of

coming clean and confess it, they are too quick to make up a lie: “I don’t know how

that got on there.”

A wife pays more attention to how she looks than how she lives. The husband

affirms her beauty but challenges her focus. Instead of accepting that there may

be a weakness in her life, she denies it through blame: “You’re a guy; you just don’t

understand what it’s like for us women.”

A young wife knew something was wrong with her husband, spiritually speaking.

She looked in his eyes and said, “Look, I am the kind of wife who will work through

anything—and I mean anything—if you will just be honest with me and help me

understand what’s going on.” Even with such a gracious plea, her husband kept

lying to her and months later ultimately destroyed his marriage. He lost an amazing

woman of faith and grace because he refused to face his sin.

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If we could see the blackness of our hearts—and I am talking about Christians here—

how we are still pummeled with pride, resentment, selfishness, a lack of forgiveness

and the like, we would welcome the “sanitizing” moments of marriage, instead of

denying them. In fact, when we deny a true observation, we are corrupted by our

denial. Repentance leads to healing; denial leads to addiction.

Look at it this way: let’s say you had an ache in your arm and you go to the doctor.

She orders an X-ray and tells you, “Your arm is broken.”

Would you respond, “No, it’s not! There’s nothing wrong with my arm. The X-ray is

wrong. You’re an incompetent doctor. I bet your eyesight is bad, and I bet you got

your medical degree from an online college.”?

That sounds absurd, but when your husband comes to you and points something

out, do you say, “That can’t be right, and who are you to diagnose me anyway?

When’s the last time you picked up your Bible? And before you get all holier than

thou on me, how about turning off the television before 11 o’clock and saying a

prayer with the kids once in a while?”

You know what? Your husband may be negligent reading his Bible. He might be lazy

at home. He probably should spend more time with your kids at bedtime. But does

that mean your sin doesn’t matter? All of us—every single one of us—have rough

areas in our lives, points in our personality that still seem to resist God’s refining

fire. Let the revelation of marriage call you to repentance, not denial. The only thing

denial does is keep us looking like the devil, when God wants to use repentance

to make us shine like His Son. Are you cooperating with God and the revelation of

marriage, or fighting Him and denying His truth?

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The Good Question

I was driving down I-10 in Houston when my phone emitted that little sound that

lets you know someone has texted you; I looked down instinctively, and saw my son

Graham’s name.

I treasure reading the Christian classics, but when my kids send me a text message, it

goes beyond treasure. I want to know what’s up.

I picked up the phone, not to respond, but just to see what was there. I could tell it

was a short text, one sentence long.

As soon as I lifted the phone, Lisa ripped it out of my hands. “No!” she said. “I’m

right here. I can read it.”

The disrespect I felt was so strong, it was almost scary. I hated what Lisa did, quite

frankly. It was like I was her child and she was disciplining me. Is that any way to treat

a husband?

Well, yes.

The one thing I might hate more than being disrespected is people texting while

driving. I see it all the time—somebody driving ridiculously slow, or weaving out of

their lane, until you pass them and see them tapping on their phone. It’s dangerous.

Worse, it puts other people in danger. It’s so irresponsible. It even kills people.

And it’s what I was doing.

No, I wouldn’t have tapped out a response. But I was going to read that text, and for

that split second, would have had my attention diverted. On a highway, no less.

Lisa’s passionate response helped me see how stupidly I was behaving. And while

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I didn’t enjoy the rebuke, or how it was delivered, it was a justified rebuke. Years

ago, Lisa and I probably would have fought over how she challenged me. Today, I

repented before God for how stupidly I was behaving, even putting my kids’ mother

in danger.

I’ve learned, from James 4:1-3, how important it is to take every marital conflict

through the grid of “Let me think about where I’m acting wrongly in this situation,”

rather than how I used to enter conflict: “How dare you!”

So many marital conflicts would have a different ending if we always first asked

ourselves, “I wonder where I might be acting/thinking inappropriately here?”

Can you try it? The next time you do something that your spouse reacts to, what

if you simply asked that question: “I wonder where I might be acting/thinking

inappropriately here”?

Hard Truth

“The truth is, you’re committing fraud.”

Melissa let the words go and then flinched, waiting for her husband’s response.

Grant called his bookkeeping practices “creative tax policy” and wanted his wife’s

approval. Melissa couldn’t give it.

Nor should she have.

Most of us were raised in a culture that views “friendship” as making people feel

better about themselves and the choices they have made. “Loyalty” is defined as

never judging, never questioning, never contradicting, always accepting, always

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even affirming and at least trying to agree.

That perspective of friendship completely undercuts everything a “sacred” marriage

should be.

Jesus models true friendship with two stunning confrontations in Matthew 26

and one in John 4. The first time occurs after Judas has already approached the

Pharisees and made a deal to betray Jesus. Jesus tells all the disciples that one of

them will betray him. Judas has the gall to go up to Jesus and ask, “Surely not I,

Rabbi?”

What nerve! He knows he’s the one. He just wants to do what he’s going to do

without being censured for it. Jesus will have none of it. He doesn’t soften the blow.

He doesn’t excuse Judas. He simply says, “Yes, it is you.”

Jesus looks Judas in the eye and tells him the truth, without one syllable’s worth of

effort to make Judas feel “better,” excused, or even “understood.”

Later, Jesus tells the remaining disciples that they will all abandon him. Peter can’t

believe he could do something like that and approaches Jesus individually. Jesus

doesn’t say, “Of course I wasn’t talking about you!” He also doesn’t offer excuses:

“Don’t worry, Peter; I understand you’re under a lot of pressure.” He doesn’t even

say, with a hint of optimism, “I’m hoping for the best from you.” Directly and

succinctly, Jesus replies to Peter with, “Truly I say to you that this very night, before a

rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.”

In other words, Peter, you won’t just scatter one time like the others will—you’ll

personally and individually deny even knowing me three separate times.

In John 4, when the woman at the well tries to get off on some theological tangent,

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Jesus will have none of it. He simply looks at her and says, “The truth is, you have

had five husbands, and the man whom you now have is not your husband.”

If we agree that Jesus is the model, then in family life, when someone is in sin or

doing something unwise, the most loving thing we can do is to be direct and honest.

Now, we have to be thoughtful about how we communicate what we communicate,

but not communicating at all can be as much a sin as speaking without sensitivity. If,

as we learned in Ephesians 5, calling each other to holiness is a key aspect of what it

means to love, that means occasionally letting others see the reality of what they are

doing, especially if they are in deep denial.

That’s what Melissa had to do with Grant. Grant was breaking the law. Grant was

putting himself at risk of going to prison. It wouldn’t have been “love” for Melissa to

pretend Grant had a good heart, was simply under a lot of stress, or tried to conjure

up a false optimism that, in the end, “everything will work out okay.” She wanted to

save him from himself so she spoke up, and in doing that, she honored Christ.

I recall one conversation with my wife, many years ago, about her relationship with

our children. There was an area I thought she was a little blind about, so I spoke up.

It was a painful conversation. But when I look at her relationship with our kids today,

I take so much joy over how rich it is because what was once a weakness has now

become a strength.

So, husbands, be willing on occasion to speak the “hard truth.” If your wife has been

neglecting you and starts to feel convicted by a sermon, and then asks you later that

evening, “Are my priorities in order?” and you respond with, “You’re perfect,” that

might not be as loving as you think it is. You might be called upon to say, as gently

as you can, “You know, when the pastor said women might be tempted to become

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moms first and wives second? I think you do struggle with that on occasion.”

If she feels convicted that she is focusing on the wrong things in life and you know

that she does but you swallow your words when she asks your opinion, just know that

you are serving yourself, not her, by lying. You have no right to pronounce pardon

when the Holy Spirit wants to bring conviction.

Sacred marriage puts a premium on true, biblical love, and true biblical love puts

a premium on speaking the truth. More than I should want someone to feel good

about themselves, I should desire that they be holy.

So let’s renounce denial in all of its forms. We are not yet perfect and have plenty

of room to grow. Our spouse can bless us by helping us in that pursuit. Let’s receive

their help and insight as biblical blessings. When we get into disputes, let’s let our

first question be, “How am I wrong in this situation?” Let’s ask ourselves, honestly,

what the difficulties of being married to us must be like and thank our spouses for

bearing that burden. And let’s be willing to speak the hard truth, gently but firmly,

when the hard truth needs to be spoken.

The truth is such a wonderful place to live. Let’s seek it, with all our hearts.

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u n d e r q u a l i f i e d

While “love” is something many people think they fall into, studies show that divorce

is something we usually grow into. What leads to the break-up of so many marriages

isn’t that we married the wrong person, but that we lack the relational skills necessary

to make a relationship work. We think it’s just about finding a new person to start

over with; in fact, it’s often more about developing spiritual and relational tools to

build intimacy with the one we’re already married to.

We’ve been talking about the spiritual growth that marriage fosters, but to address

the whole issue, we have to admit that we need to grow relationally as well. William

Doherty, professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, provides

an insightful distinction between what he calls “hard reasons” and “soft reasons”

that split couples up and lead to divorce. In Doherty’s view, “hard reasons” include

“chronic affairs, chemical dependency, and gambling” in which “The person

is not willing to change. They have a drinking problem and won’t get it fixed.

They’re gambling the family money away and won’t get help.” “Soft reasons”

include “general unhappiness and dissatisfaction, such as growing apart and not

communicating.”3

6

313 (USA Today, Sept. 29, 2011, pg. 1-2D.)

Doherty found that most marriages aren’t destroyed by “hard reasons” but rather

by “soft” ones. In Doherty’s study, the number one reason couples gave for getting

a divorce was “growing apart,” followed by “unable to talk together,” “how spouse

handles money, “spouse’s personal problems,” and “not getting enough attention.”

I’m not sure how Doherty defines “spouse’s personal problems,” but at first glance,

none of the top five reasons given are biblical excuses for ending a marriage. It’s not

until number six that “infidelity” is mentioned.

What this study highlights is that even when marital satisfaction reaches a crisis

point, the problem isn’t the person we married, but our lack of skills in the art of

marriage. We don’t know how to reconnect, we fail to listen to each other, we grow

callous instead of empathetic. All of these things can be developed; we can change

them, and in doing so, change the marriage, without changing partners.

Quite frankly, on a relational and spiritual level, most of us are seriously

underqualified to enter marriage (I put myself at the top of the list here). Even before

the wedding pictures come back from the photographer, we may realize that we’re

in “over our heads” and feel like we’re drowning. Marriage all but demands that we

grow, and a lot of us either resent the implication that we need to grow or are too

lazy to work towards personal growth.

When “soft issues” are the problem, divorce is a very ineffective shortcut. Divorce

won’t increase our relational skills, and it won’t solve what led to the destruction

of our first marriage. It’ll just put off the day of reckoning that we need to grow in

certain areas.

Instead of finding a new spouse, we may need to learn new ways to express

empathy. Instead of getting a divorce, we may need to get rid of laziness. Instead

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of cataloguing our spouse’s shortcomings, we may need to learn the spiritual art

of forgiveness. Instead of searching for a new partner, we may need to search for

new ways we can stay connected. If you don’t address the lack of relational skills

that caused the first marriage to fail, the second one will, too—because, again, the

problem isn’t who you chose to marry; the problem is the lack of your relational skills

(“soft” skills instead of “hard”). The USA Today article also quotes Susan Heitler, a

clinical psychologist who notes that marriage is a “very high-skilled activity. If your

marriage is failing, make the assumption your skill set is insufficient.”

The clear teaching of this study is that persistent character weaknesses—laziness,

arrogance, pride, selfishness, bitterness, a sense of entitlement and so on—kill

far more marriages than active affairs, chemical dependency, physical abuse or

abandonment. The answer isn’t pursuing “happiness;” it’s pursuing holiness. By

God’s grace, we can grow in each of these areas.

Dr. Heitler suggests that if both parties “will each take personal responsibility and

focus on their own skills upgrade, the whole picture turns around. Even one person

can turn the marriage around.”

Do an inventory. This would be a great date-night exercise. Ask each other, if we

were “drafting” someone to succeed in marriage, what skills would we look for?

Which of those skills do we lack? Which are we doing okay in? Where can we grow?

If a pitcher is having control issues, or a batter seems to be in a slump, most major

league teams will work with that player to improve those specific skills before they

cut them. That’s what a coach is for. Shouldn’t we give our spouses the same benefit

of the doubt?

How are your “soft skills,” and what can you do to improve them?

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t r u e G o d l i n e s s

Sometimes, you’re reading one of the classics and you just say, even out loud,

“Ouch.”

That happened to me once when I was spending time with John Wesley. His insight

was so heavy and so unique, it just about knocked me out of my chair. In his essay

on “perfection,” John Wesley ironically enough spends a good bit of time talking

about how Christians are not perfect. He goes on to state that we are not free from

temptation, but then there’s a marvelous twist dropped right in front of us, like a cat

presenting us with a dead mouse.

It startles you.

Wesley points out that one of the reasons some of us are “not tempted to gross

forms of sin” is because “Satan, in his evil wisdom, has perceived them to be fast

asleep in dead forms of godliness. He does not tempt them to gross sin, lest they

should awake from their dead, faithless, state.”

Here’s what Wesley is saying: imagine a spouse who has only a dead religious

faith. Because there aren’t any gross sins in their life: extravagant financial fraud,

7

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drunkenness, adultery, racism—something most people would recognize as flat-

out wrong—they don’t realize they are living in a dead religious faith. They have a

form of religion. They are decent people. But the Spirit of God is as far from them

as possible. They have no joy, no peace, no love, no gentleness. They thirst after

disputes. They are arrogant. They live for themselves. They gossip in such a way that

they don’t even recognize it as gossip.

They are, in fact, dead in their sin, but because it’s not “gross obvious sins,” they

don’t realize they are dead in their sins. They think they are alive in their limited piety,

so they don’t seek after God as their savior.

Satan treats these people with a “light hand,” because if they were to fall into

a much more obvious sin, they might wake up to their spiritual poverty, cast

themselves on the grace and mercy of God, and be transformed.

Marriage can help us see past just the “sins that offend piety” to the sins that offend

the Holy Spirit. When we are led by the Spirit, the question isn’t, “Did I murder or hit

anyone today?” The question is, “Did I love and serve others today, beginning with

my wife?” This standard is so different. Do I operate with love, joy, peace, patience,

kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control?

These are the real issues in which marriage calls us to grow. It’s rather obvious if I

commit adultery against my wife, but perhaps less obvious if I am not treating her

with gentleness and kindness and patience.

When we talk about God designing marriage to make us holy even more than to

make us happy, this is the kind of holiness we seek—a holiness born of the Holy

Spirit, not a “holiness” concocted by religious men and women.

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Another writer (in this case, really more of a discipler, as he left only one small book

behind) that can help us pursue a greater authenticity is Frank Buchman, who left us

with “four benchmarks” to test just how mature we truly are.

Four Benchmarks

A powerful (but not perfect) movement of God swept the world in the early part of

the 20th century, often referred to by two names: Moral Re-Armament (MRA) and

the Oxford Group. As the world was re-arming for World War II, MRA’s founder

Frank Buchman suggested we first re-arm “morally” by adopting four summary

benchmarks of the Sermon on the Mount, and then spend time daily listening to

God to see how we’re doing.

The four benchmarks reveal the astonishing depth to which Jesus calls us to live:

absolute honesty, absolute purity, absolute unselfishness and absolute love.

Here they are again:

• Absolute honesty

• Absolute purity

• Absolute unselfishness

• Absolute love

By putting “absolute” in front of these summary benchmarks, we’re unable to

hide behind being “mostly” honest, “usually” pure, “occasionally” unselfish, or

“periodically” loving.

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This teaching energized a large segment of the worldwide church for a good three

to four decades before it began to dim, as most parachurch movements usually do.

What if we applied these same benchmarks to marriage? What if we asked ourselves,

on a regular basis, “In my relations with my spouse am I being absolutely honest?

Absolutely pure? Absolutely unselfish? Absolutely loving?”

Don’t forget the word “absolute.” Are you mostly honest with your spouse, but, for

instance, occasionally lie about how much money you’re spending, how much food

you’re eating or who you’re chatting with on Facebook? Do you stop playing video

games when your spouse gets home so she won’t know what you’ve been doing,

and do you allow her to think you’ve been doing something else while she was

gone? Is your marriage filled with these “little innocent lies” that, when it comes to

destroying intimacy, are neither little nor innocent?

Go through the other three benchmarks with the same meticulous care, but here’s

the all-important kicker that Buchman added: spend time each day listening to God

to reflect on how we’re doing and what He wants us to do.

It’s so simple, which is partly what made MRA so powerful and what allowed it to

jump national boundaries to become an international phenomenon: four objective

benchmarks, followed by subjective listening. These two simple, powerful tools

literally changed governments, brought revival to many places, renewed marriages

and transformed workplaces.

They aren’t tied to any century or any war. They will work in peace, and they will

certainly work in your marriage. I know to some of you this may seem like overkill,

but it’s not. It’s the road to true blessing, peace and happiness. Are we ever served

by a little deceit? Are we ever blessed by a bit of selfishness? Do we ever benefit

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from a certain measure of impurity? Do our marriages ever grow by withholding

love?

Think about it: which one of Jesus’ commands are burdensome? Which one do we

think we can do without? Which one—is there one?—did He get just a little too

zealous over and should have left out?

It comes down to this: I am to fall in love with true, Holy Spirit empowered and grace

oriented obedience, even as I am to hate evil. Marriage can help me do that.

Holy Hatred

“The fear of the Lord is to hate evil.” (Proverbs 8:13)

A mature Christian isn’t solely known by what he or she loves, but also by what he or she

hates. And Proverbs says that those who have a proper reverence for God hate evil.

This begins, of course, with hating the evil in my own heart. I should hate any form

of prejudice, racism, selfish ambition, sexual immorality, fits of rage, a divisive spirit,

gossip or anything mentioned as “deeds of the flesh” that Paul says are counter to a

life of the Spirit (Galatians 5:19).

If I truly hate evil in my heart, then when my marriage points it out, I will be grateful

rather than resentful. If my marriage reveals misogyny—a prejudice toward

women—I hope I will hate the misogyny more than I hate being found less than

perfect, and will reject the sin rather than the exposure. If my wife catches me giving

in to a divisive spirit—undercutting leadership, turning anyone against anyone—or

gossiping about someone, if I truly hate what is evil I will welcome her correction as

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an offering of love.

My youngest daughter joined Lisa and me for a speaking tour through Northwest

Arkansas and then North Carolina. It was her Fall Break, and since we weren’t going

to be at home, she decided to travel with us, staying in hotels, driving the roads and

providing great conversation. Kelsey challenged me—as only a 21 year old young

woman can—to be more sensitive to using examples of faithful and heroic women in

my books and sermons. She talked about how marginalized so many young women

her age feel when pastors gravitate toward war stories, athletes and famous (usually,

male) missionaries to make their point. “When do you ever hear the faith of women

applauded from the pulpit, other than on Mother’s Day?” she asked.

My wife defended me, offering many examples of women I’ve mentioned in books

and sermons, but I took Kelsey’s words to heart. I live with their memory. I realize we all

have blind spots and have to admit I do use more male examples than female ones.

More than I want to defend myself, I want to grow. I want to mature. I want to be

more like the Christ who built women up, rather than like my old self, who often

objectified women, who has hurt many women, who perhaps has buried prejudices

against women.

Some of you, of course, may have spouses who encourage you toward evil rather

than encourage you to fight it. The Bible is clear, here. If we hate evil, we can’t give in

to it. We can’t pretend it doesn’t matter. The bond of marriage does not supersede

the bond of faith; marriage should express our faith, not counteract it.

In this sense, though it sounds shocking, when the Bible tells us to hate evil, it makes

many decisions supremely clear. It is very helpful to know what we are to hate if we

truly want to live a life of love.

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e v e r y t h i n G t h a t c o n t a M i n a t e s

A man who heard me speak on marriage decided to apply my suggestion that men

use every act of sexual temptation as an opportunity to actively do something for

their wives. In other words, let temptation be a reminder to pay attention to our

marriages rather than an occasion to sin.

In this case, the advice served him well. He arrived home from work earlier than

usual, and his wife was gone. Normally, this would be a time when the temptation to

look at pornography became intense.

Remembering what I had said, he decided to take on a chore that his wife normally

did: he mowed the lawn.

When his wife got home and saw him putting away the lawn mower, she was

shocked: “What’s going on?” she asked.

“Nothing. I just got home early and saw that the lawn hadn’t been mowed, figured

you were busy, and thought I’d help you out.”

8

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She hugged him like she meant it—for maybe the first time in weeks.

“I can’t believe how much difference it made just doing that one simple thing,” he

said.

Sometimes, people talk about “giving up sin,” as if doing so is a “loss.” I like to talk

about the cost of sin, what it takes away from us. Have you ever asked yourself what

your sin is keeping you from? What is it costing you? Instead of focusing simply on

not doing that sin, why not use temptation as a reminder to perform an act of love?

Do someone’s chore. Write a letter of encouragement. Pick out an unexpected

present. Buy your wife some flowers. Send an email or text to someone you love.

Holiness isn’t just about where we spend eternity; it has a huge impact on the quality

of our present lives. When Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 7:1 to purify ourselves from

everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence

for God, he calls us to a thoughtful review of the heart, and one that’s for our own

good. I’m not just to consider the obvious physical sins that would hurt Lisa and

grieve my Heavenly Father—a sexual affair, violence, abusive language. I need to

purify myself from what contaminates my “spirit,” those inner attitudes that can kill

relational affection.

Let’s explore how marriage can serve as a revealer and place of healing for perhaps

the worse contaminant of all, our pride.

Every Good Marriage Begins with a Funeral

Virtually the same sentence appears in Scripture three times: “God opposes the

proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6, Prov. 3:34; 1 Peter 5:5). It is very

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significant when the Bible repeats itself like this. One thing is certain: this truth is

foundational to understanding God and human relations.

Here’s the brilliance of God’s design for humanity: the foundational human

relationship (marriage) is a direct assault on our foundational spiritual weakness

(pride).

Have you ever thought of marriage in this light? If you haven’t, you’ve probably

resented your spouse for imposing on your selfishness, instead of seeing such

circumstances as a call to grow in humility. Whenever you feel that your marriage has

begun to “pinch your feet,” instead of resenting the intrusion represented by your

spouse, consider it an invitation to become just what God wants you to become: a

humbler man or woman.

What does it mean to grow in humility, and how does marriage foster this? For

starters, biblical marriage assaults a man’s pride by insisting that he is to put his

wife’s needs above his own. Paul says a Christian husband should maintain the

attitude of a martyr toward his wife (Eph. 5:26). We men value our independence;

we resent being “tied down,” or having some of our prime time impinged upon. We

need marriage to help us become more humble.

Likewise, biblical marriage assaults a woman’s pride by teaching her to love her

husband (Titus 2:4). While the world says she needs to focus on standing up for her

own rights, the Bible stresses becoming a helper who supports her husband and

gives thought to his care.

Humility as a virtue sounds so abstract, but the reality is as concrete as it gets: when

we become more humble, we become more like Jesus, who described himself this

way: “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as

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a ransom for many.” (Matt. 20:28).

We have to accept that what the world values is often what God despises, and

what God despises, is often what the world praises. The world often warns us from

becoming servants, as if that’s shameful rather than glorious in God’s eyes. And our

own ambition is primed to hear that message and to have it reinforced. Most of us

get married primarily to be served; marriage becomes a vital spiritual opportunity

when we use it to learn how to serve. Let’s not remove this “scandal” of marriage.

Let’s teach our children that every good marriage begins with a funeral: the death of

our selfish, independent and arrogant ways.

Let’s value humility as God values it, and be grateful that marriage gives us an

opportunity to express humility on a daily basis.

When Your Spouse Annoys You

Another contaminant we need to be rid that is related to pride is our annoyance.

How is this related to pride? In our evil megalomania, we think our spouse should

be formed around us; that if there is something about them that is tiresome or

troublesome to us, it should change. In light of 2 Corinthians 7:1, it is our spiritual

privilege to prayerfully consider why we are annoyed.

My home office looks out onto a trail and a water retention pond—the middle class

equivalent of “lakeside property.” Because the trail is paved, it’s used quite a bit, so

our next-door neighbor’s dog charges their fence and starts barking about every five

minutes as people walk by. I don’t let this bother me—I’d go bonkers if I did—but

one time I did think, “What a pathetic life to spend the bulk of every day barking at

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things that don’t really matter.”

None of the people walking by will ever try to get into our neighbor’s yard (this may

be one of the safest neighborhoods in America), so the dog’s barking accomplishes

exactly nothing. If he slept all day, he’d accomplish no more, and no less. It’s just

wasted energy, yet he does it every blasted day.

Marriage can tempt us to bark at nothing, can’t it? How many times do we focus on

peripheral issues, obsess over peripheral issues, point out peripheral issues, discuss

peripheral issues, but nothing ever changes? Dr. John Gottman, a marriage expert

from the University of Washington, has pointed out that 69% of the conflict issues

in marriage will never be resolved. In Christian terms, if it’s not sin, we have to learn

to respond with grace, to choose not to let these things bug us, because whether

they bug us or not, they’re not going to change. You can find “how to” books that

promise change, but good luck with that.

My wife is never going to go a week without losing her cell phone twice, and she’s

never going to always be on time. For Lisa, leaving ten minutes “late” is like leaving

five minutes “early.” I can obsess about these things, I can even try to turn them into

spiritual principles, but even if I “win” an argument about them, they’re not going to

change. They’re just not. And there are so many overwhelming advantages to being

married to Lisa that harping on these two is sort of like saying Stephen Curry would

be such a better basketball player if he averaged more than five or six rebounds a

game.

In C.S. Lewis’s classic book The Screwtape Letters, Screwtape, the mentor demon,

writes to his protégé Wormwood, “When two humans have lived together for many

years, it usually happens that each has tones of voice and expressions of face which

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are almost unendurably irritating to the other.”

I’m not sure this is true in all seasons of marriage, but it is certainly true at times. At

the moment, I can’t honestly pinpoint a single tone or facial expression of Lisa’s that

is “unendurably irritating” to me, though I do remember a time when I asked her

to stop hitting the passenger side car window with her fingernails as she pointed

something out. Lisa’s an extrovert, which means she hasn’t seen something fully

until everyone in the car has seen it too, even the driver who, ostensibly, should be

keeping his eyes on the road. I’d hear that familiar, “click, click, click,” and then Lisa

saying, “Honey, you have to see this!”

Why should fingernails clicking on the window bug me?

Couldn’t tell you, but, honestly, for a time, they did. Lisa’s pretty open about pointing

out things I do that annoy her (granted, I’m probably a pretty annoying person), so I

thought I’d try it.

“Really?” she said. “That annoys you? Okay, I won’t do it anymore.”

Turns out that was like asking our Golden Retriever not to scratch herself behind the

ear. Lisa reverted back to the practice that same day.

Some time later, with the kids in the car, Lisa clicked her fingernails on the window

and my daughter Kelsey asked me, “Dad, didn’t you say that it bugs you when Mom

does that all the time?”

“Yes, I did.”

“But she still does it.”

“Yes, she does.”

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“So, doesn’t it still bug you?”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“How come?”

“I realized it was never going to stop, and I decided not to let it bug me.”

Kelsey paused, then said, “I think you’re a very tolerant person.”

Some things in marriage and family life that annoy us aren’t going to ever change.

They just aren’t. My ADD “fidgeting” with my hands can give Lisa headaches, but

I don’t even realize it when I’m doing it. The problem is that these morally neutral

issues can become a spiritual battlefield, and that’s what we need to determine won’t

happen in our marriage.

Well, in our case Lisa knew the fingernail clicking was annoying, and I know my

fidgeting is annoying, but neither one of us do it to be annoying. We just really can’t

help ourselves.

Some spouses may indeed create a facial expression or a tone of voice in a

deliberate attempt to annoy you. But never assume that’s the case. Instead, be on

the lookout for how much spiritual warfare is launched in a home over innocuous,

unintentional, even silly habits. There are plenty of things worth fighting about in

marriage, so let’s save the battles for things that really matter.

As I state in Sacred Marriage, sometimes, the problem isn’t what annoys me; the

problem is that I let myself become annoyed. That’s the root and fruit of pride.

In all that we’ve studied in this short ebook, the overall message is this: so many

couples worry about falling out of love when they should be more concerned about

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falling out of repentance. Romantic love comes and goes; the pursuit of holiness

brings eternal blessings. It conceives spiritual life. It ushers joy into every day. It sets

us on a foundation of peace. It helps us experience God’s presence and sense his

favor. It renews and protects our relationships.

When Jesus told us to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and

promised that, when we do, all things would be added as well (Matthew 6:33), he

was speaking the truth.