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The Leukaemia Foundation of Queensland Support Services Division presents

Living well with grief

In this issue

Caring For bereaveD anD Their FamiLieS Issue 1 2011

Page 3-5how children understand loss

Page 6Healing Hearts

Page 11men and grieving

Page 12Seminar schedule

Human spirit shines throughby shirley Cunningham

The beginning of 2011 has showed just how powerful nature can be and how unrelenting. So much has happened in such a short space of time. many people are still feeling lost and trying to rebuild their lives.

one didn’t need to look very far to witness loss and grief as it all but consumed us on the media. We became witnesses to the pain which still continues, and for some healing will be months or even years away. Witnessing such devastation can bring to the fore losses which they may have thought they had worked through — bringing pain again.

others who have lost a loved one recently may feel even more overwhelmed and traumatised by these events. This is quite normal, and remember that i am here to talk if you want to call, email or make an appointment to see me.

We also saw and heard stories of resilience, and how the human spirit shone through even in people’s darkest moments. When one is in the midst of such loss it is often hard to see one’s own resilience. but others often see it and marvel at what they see.

We at the Leukaemia Foundation witnessed this during our major fundraising event, the World’s Greatest Shave, when people generously donated and shaved or coloured their hair to support our work which continues despite the natural disasters we have witnessed. how humbling this was for those of us who work for this wonderful organisation.

Upcoming events include our grief brunches as well as the Toolshed for Men’s Grief on 19 november and the Healing Hearts program on 9 July for children who have lost a loved one.

remember i love to hear feedback about this newsletter, and if you would like a topic covered please give me a call or email me. if you would like to write an article to share with others about your personal journey, please let me know.

Lastly i would like to ask if there is anyone who will be attending a Light the Night event in Queensland in october and would be happy to speak for one or two minutes about their journey. our wonderful marketing and communications staff can help you with this.

Let me know if you would like to help. in the past those who have spoken at Light the Night events found sharing their loved one on this special occasion was not only healing for them but for others also.

Peace and comfort.

grief Support Services Coordinator

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The following thoughts by an unknown author are cited on the websites of many professionals and organisations dealing with grief.

if you have been through grief you will relate to this. if you are going through it you will relate. if you have never been through grief, keep this handy…..it may help you one day.

• i wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and i need to hear their name.

• if i cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, i wish you to know that it isn’t because you have hurt me; the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and i thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

• i wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.

• i will have emotional highs and lows, and ups and downs. i wish you wouldn’t think that if i have a good day, my grief is over, or that if i have a bad day, i need psychiatric counselling.

• being a bereaved person is not contagious, so i wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.

• i wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that i am having are, in fact, very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

• i wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in sixmonths.Thefirstfewyearsaregoingtobeexceedingly traumatic for us. as with alcoholics

i will never be “cured” or a “formerly bereaved”, but forever “recovering” from my bereavement.

• i wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. i may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

• our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of his death and the holidays are terrible times for us. i wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

• i wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way i can get through this grief is to experience it. i have to hurt before i can heal.

• i wish you understood that grief changes people. i am not the same person i was before my loved one died and i never will be that person again. if you keep waiting for me to get back to “my old self”, you will stay frustrated. i am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.

My wish list

16-29 Julywww.doorknock.net.au | 1800 152 211

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How children understand loss

growing up is an ongoing process of change that involves losses as well as gains.

For children, changes such as starting school, sleeping over at a friend’s house, changing teachers, or losing a pet, friend or family member all bring new challenges and new learning.

Depending on the support children receive, and how these early losses are dealt with, children can learn to manage and deal with the losses that will happen throughout their lives.

Children do grieve and this can happen at an early age, but not in the same way that adults grieve. Children are likely to show their grief in less direct ways than adults. Children move in and out of grief. Onedaytheywillseemtobefineandanotherdaythey will be showing that they are not managing so well.

Children often have more needs at times of loss which can lead to demanding behaviour as they try to get closeness, care, information, reassurance and support from adults. The experience of loss affects each child differently. The child’s age, emotional maturity, the circumstances of the loss, and the “connectedness” with the person or whatever the child has lost are important factors.

it is important to look at each child individually and work out what will best help that child.

Pre-school children in the years before school, children don’t understand that death is forever. They feel grief when they lose someone close to them.

The impact of the loss may be greater in the early years because they don’t really understand what is happening. They don’t understand what is real and what is not real, and they may believe that their own wishes caused the person to go away.

Losing someone who cares for them is a major stress that takes time and care to overcome. in a way it is like losing a part of themselves.

Young children don’t have the words to express feelings and will show them in the way they act. They may be more clingy and needy or develop problems separating from you.

Children can be very kind to others who are unhappy

and try to comfort them and then they need to go on playing again. early school years

in their early years at school children are beginning to learn that death is permanent. They begin to realise that when someone dies there is no coming back, but they need to hear what has happened many times over.

Some children feel responsible for the death or separation and think it was because they were naughty. They may also be worried about who will look after them. if they have lost a parent they may worry about losing the other parent as well.

They may be very matter-of-fact in the way they talk about death and want lots of information, such as what happens to the body. They may not know what it is they are feeling or know the words to say how they feel, but you will see it in their behaviour and play.

Later primary school

by this time children now understand that death is permanent. They can also understand why death happens, eg: because of illness, accident or old age. They can talk about their feelings better although they might not always do so.

They are less likely to blame themselves for what has happened but they might blame others, just as they may blame one parent for a divorce.

They have a strong sense of right and wrong and might have strong views about what has happened. They may be interested in life after death and want to know what happens then and ask quite spiritual questions.

They may still want to know all the facts about what happens to the body or details of an accident. as they get older, children are more able to understand what other people are going through as well.

continued on page 4

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Teenage years

Teenagers grieve in much the same way as adults but because at this stage of their development they often have emotional ups and downs and can become deeply distressed.

Teenagers can be greatly affected by grief following the break-up of relationships, parents’ separation or the death of someone close to them. They can become withdrawn, depressed and moody.

They will probably want to get support and spend time with their friends more than their family. however, they still need to know that you are there for them to talk to if needed.

Young people often show sadness through acting out or through angry behaviour which covers up their underlying feelings. Some may turn to using drugs or alcohol, driving too fast or doing dangerous things.

These young people need lots of support. others just need to do active and noisy things such as go for a run, dance to loud music or play sport with friends to deal with their strong feelings.

Still others seek comfort in music, writing poetry, walking alone or being in a quiet place to deal with their grief.

if your teenager is facing a big loss such as the death of a friend, parent or loved grandparent it may help if they have a task to do at the funeral service or can do something special to remember that person.

How children show grief

Young children especially don’t have the words to talk about their feelings in the way that adults do. They may not even really know what they feel.

Some of the ways they show grief may be:

• physical pain - stomach aches or headaches• sleeping problems and bad dreams• eating problems - eating too much or too little• being destructive• acting like a younger child• angry play or playing the same thing over and

over• not being able to concentrate for long• problems with school work• being easily upset• being mean to others• “switching off” or acting as if they haven’t taken

in what has happened• acting more like an adult• showing fears• anger or aggression to friends, parents or toys• temper tantrums• being unhappy and blaming themselves• tending to think the person who has gone is

perfect• crying and giggling without obvious reason• not wanting to separate, being clingy and wanting

to be near adults• running away, avoiding school, and stealing.

special note

Professional help is needed if a child:

• talks of not wanting to live or being better off dead

• seems to be preoccupied with dying• is unable to concentrate and is withdrawn at

school months later • is crying, sad or depressed much of the time• is not wanting to join in or play with other

children months later.

extra stresses

Times of family loss are times of particular stress on children. The adults who love them may not be available to support the children if the adults are very upset themselves.

There may be unusual situations to cope with such as funerals ormoving house. The routine of their lives is suddenly changed. People around them are often acting differently, looking sad, crying, and not keeping to

routines.

Children might be asked to behave differently such as being quiet, helpful, and good.

They are not sure what to think or do. When a parent dies, children need to feel (with caring

acts and words) that they will not be abandoned.

continued from page 3How children understand loss

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Children experiencing grief need a safe environment where they feel able to express feelings in whatever waytheycan.Helpthemfindwaystoshowtheirfeelings through play, water play, writing a letter, a story, a poem, painting or drawing.

give clear and truthful information to children in a way they can understand. Don’t forget that children need to know what is happening even if they don’t ask.

Sometimes parents are so busy with their own needs that children can be overlooked. Children may not seem sad when you think they should be, because they still don’t really understand what it all really means. This isn’t a lack of being sensitive, but is just the stage they are at.

allow children time to talk, ask questions and share worries with a caring adult. They might be very confused and need to ask lots of questions.

Ifyoucan’ttalkaboutit,findanotheradultwhoisclose to your child who can. if children can’t talk to you about the loss, they might feel that it is not safe to talk about it and so continue to have muddled and scary feelings.

You may have to answer the same question over and over as your child learns to understand what has happened.

if your teenager has had a loss and is acting angrily or withdrawing, try to make times available for him or her to talk without pushing for answers. if it continues, talk to a health professional about it.

Try to open the way if a child feels unable to talk about their feelings. Say something like: “Some things are really hard to talk about, but talking can help. if you ever want to talk about what has happened, let me know.”

be honest. Parents sometimes lie to children because they want to protect them. if you don’t tell them what has happened, you may prevent them from dealing with the loss and grieving. This can cause problems when they have other losses in their lives.

Stick to as many of the family routines as you can. Too many changes will add further stress. Doing the same things as usual helps children feel safe.

Think about letting your child’s teacher or childcare worker know if there has been a big change or loss

in your child’s life. Teachers and friends at school can help to support your child.

Keep some rules about what children are allowed to do. if you think they are taking advantage of the situation you will start to feel angry and that won’t help.

Share your own grief – don’t hide your sadness. Children will feel more normal about their own feelings and feel comforted to know that the feelings they have are in line with those of the rest of the family.

if you are really distressed it may not be wise to share feelings with children because it is important that they know that you are in control and can keep them safe.

Ceremonies such as funerals can be important ways for children as well as adults to help make sense of the big changes in their lives. Sharing emotions can help people feel connected to others.

get support for yourself. Talk with your partner or a friend. Some organisations, including the Leukaemia Foundation, offer personal grief counselling.

remember that children grieve in bursts. They have their own individual reactions, and they feel loss just as much as adults but may show it differently.

allow times for extra closeness and comfort.

if your family has a spiritual belief this can be a support to children and parents.

When it feels right, help your child or teenager to move on and try something new.

Children’s grief can affect adults personally, especially if they are grieving themselves or if it is a reminder of a past loss.

if this happens you need to deal with this. Talking with a supportive person, either a friend or a professional with an understanding of the grieving process, can make a difference.

Information for these articles was sourced from the Children, Youth and Women’s Health Service (www.cyh.com) of South Australia.

How parents can help a grieving child

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Two new children’s counsellors will be conducting future Healing Hearts workshops. Both come to the Foundation with a wealth of experience dealing with children’s’ grief.

Jeanelle bergin currently works as a counsellor in the palliative care team at St vincent’s hospital, brisbane where she previously worked in its Children and Young People’s bereavement Centre.

Jeanelle, who combines her hospital work with private practice, has a

degree in Social Science and a masters of Counselling and is involved in education for health professionals and counsellor training and supervision.

She is an experienced child and family counsellor, having worked with young people in the juvenile justice system; coordinated outreach programs for young people at risk; and counselled children and families experiencing grief associated with divorce, separation, death, life-limiting illness and family violence.

Through the use of creative mediums, Jeanelle invites children and young people to share their stories, explore emotional and behavioural reactions to grief and recall positive memories of loved ones.

Dr elisa agostinelli is the Counsellor Coordinator at the Children and Young People’s bereavement Centre. having studied and trained as a clinical psychologist in rome, she then obtained her PhD from the University of Toledo, ohio, in counselling and mental health.

elisa has extensive counselling experience with families and children. She works with families following a systemic framework also utilising art, music, stories and sand tray to enable children to express themselves.

elisa has trained counsellors in australia and the United States of america.

The Foundation’s grief Support Services Coordinator, Shirley Cunningham, will also be available during the Healing Hearts workshops to have coffee and cake with parents or primary caregivers. Shirley will be able to provide information on how to help your child during this very sad time and you will be able to hear how others cope, and some of the helpful strategies they have implemented.

New Healing Hearts coordinators

Healing Hearts workshop datesThe Healing Hearts program has helped numerous children to deal with the loss of a loved one. Future workshops will be held from 10am to 12.30pm on:

Saturday, 9 July • Saturday, 9 October saturday, 3 December.

The workshops are held at the Clem Jones-Sunland Leukaemia Foundation village,

middle Street, Coopers Plains

if you have a child or grandchild who you think wouldbenefitfrom Healing Hearts please contact

Shirley Cunningham on 07 38403844.

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Dealing with the anniversary of the death of your loved one can provoke powerful emotional and physicalreactions.Youmayfindyourselfreminiscingmore frequently or thinking about the events that led up to the death.

according to the US-based mayo Clinic, you may even experience physical symptoms, such as sleeping problems,upsetstomachorheadaches.Thefirstanniversary can be the hardest, although subsequent anniversaries can also trigger intense emotional reactions as well.

everyone handles grief reactions differently. You have to do what is comforting and soothing for you.

here are some steps that may be helpful:

Let yourself cry or get angry.

Don’t try to push your feelings down. allow whatever comes up to come to the surface. This is different for everyone, so don’t compare yourself with others you know who have gone through a similar experience. The mayo Clinic says these emotional reactions can last for days or weeks surrounding the anniversary.

Talk to others about your feelings.

Let family members and trusted friends know when the anniversary is. if you’d like them to be with you on that day, ask them to be present. according to Helpguide,anon-profitmentalhealthandwellbeingwebsite, you should try to connect with others, not avoid them. Find someone you trust to talk to about the loss. Social support can lessen your feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Reminisce about your loved one. Look through photo albums, listen to songs that you shared together or watch home videos. Plant a tree in their name on the anniversary of their death. You may wish to gather family members and friends together to have a memorial service. according to California home Care and hospice, having a memorial ritual can provide comfort and help to keep the memory of your loved one alive.

Write a letter to your loved one to express your feelings. Share your feelings of loss and grief. You may also wish to share the year’s events or accomplishments. Writing a letter can be a comforting and helpful way of sharing and expressing your feelings about the anniversary.

Talk to a counsellor.

The idea of the anniversary of your loved one’s death may interfere with your daily activities and well-being for an extended period of time. in this case, it can be helpful to talk to a professional grief counsellor.

Helpful sites:

• mayo Clinic (www.mayoclinic.com) • helpguide (www.helpguide.org) — has a number

of topics on its “grief and loss” page.• hospice of Siouxland (www.hospiceofsiouxland.

org) — contains a helpful article on one-year bereavement anniversaries accessible through its bereavement newsletters in its “information and resources” listings.

This information is drawn from the Lance Armstrong website www.livestrong.com.

Coping with the anniversary of a loved one’s death

Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; This, too, shall pass.

Ann Landers

“no! This can’t be happening!” is usually our initial reaction when confronted with devastating news, as we resist facing the awful truth.

This phase of protest may be present for months — or years, in extreme, complicated cases — particularly if the death was sudden, and especially if the bereaved did not see the person’s body after they died. People in protest may try to avoid any evidence that contributes to acknowledging the painful reality of this loss.

once the psyche acknowledges the sad reality that a loved one has died, profound despair may follow, along with symptoms that constitute a major or clinical depression. While the symptoms may appear identical, treatment of depressive symptoms arising from bereavement may need to be quite different from treating depressive symptoms from other causes.

While medications help to allay some symptoms of anxiety and depression, we hear over and over from those taking tranquilisers and antidepressants that their symptoms persist or, in some cases, are worse.

as noted bereavement therapist, Peter Lynch, said at an annual holiday Service of remembrance when referring to the many feelings associated with grief: “The only way through it is through it.”

medication doesn’t make the pain of grief go away. Clients need to understand this important point.Mostpeopleexpecttofeelbetterafterthefirstyearfollowing a loss and they become frightened when they instead feel worse as they approach the second year.Foranyonegrievingasignificantloss,andespecially for someone who has lost a spouse or life partner,thefirstyearisatimeoflearningtoadjustand physically survive.

This is apparent in the “hierarchy of needs” developed by US psychologist, the late abraham maslow. he observed that the basics of food, clothing and shelter must be established as a foundation, to allow individuals to proceed on a path toward self-actualisation.

Whether real or imagined, the majority of our clients who have lost their life partner spend much of the firstyearworryingabouttheirbasicsurvivalneeds.once these issues have been resolved, the emotional impact of the loss may dominate the subsequent year. This is when profound feelings of sadness may arise, which may be especially frightening if they are not expected or perceived as “abnormal” or “pathological.” in this emergence of feeling, the meaning and

significanceofthelossemergesmoreclearly.Theurgency of business has subsided and the bereaved person is left with what the “now what do i do with the rest of my life?” questions and fears.

J William Worden, professor of psychology at harvard medical School, developed a model that he calls the “tasks of mourning”. his premise is that grief is work. it requires commitment and active participation on the part of the person who is grieving and on the part of those who wish to help them. The tasks are:

1. to accept the reality of the loss 2. to work through to the pain of grief 3. to adjust to an environment in which the

deceased is missing, and 4. to emotionally relocate the deceased and move on

with life.

Worden’s task-focused model offers a motivational framework for grief work. Time, in and of itself, does not heal all wounds. There is no magic in the one or two-year anniversary date following a loss. moreover, this model acknowledges that death does not end a relationship. emotionally relocating the deceased is a dynamic process that will continue throughout the life cycle. Personalised, meaningful commemoration and ritual may facilitate this process.Loveenduresdeath.Thelossofasignificantlovedone is something that is not gotten “over.”

Words like “closure” may evoke anger and hostility on the part of the bereaved. Things — doors, lids, bank accounts — are closed. how then does closure apply to a relationship that was, is, and always will be significant?Theworkofgriefinvolveslearningtolivewith and adjust to the loss.

according to Worden, there may be a sense that you areneverfinishedwithgrief,butrealisticgoalsofgrief work include regaining an interest in life and feeling hopeful again.

Redefiningandrecreatingapurposeful,meaningfullife poses enormous physical, social, psychological and spiritual challenges to our bereaved clients. educating, supporting and coaching them through the tasks of mourning may help to rekindle their desire to live and to thrive.

References:• Maslow, A. (1998), Toward a psychology of being, 3rd

edition. New York: Wiley.• Worden, JW (1991), Grief counselling and grief therapy: A

handbook for the mental health practitioner, 2nd edition. New York: Springer.

This is an edited version of an article that first appeared on www.psychcentral.com.

Healing and the one-to-two year mythby Karen Carney

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. Albert Camus

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A peek inside our support brunchesThrough its grief Support Services the Leukaemia Foundation holds brunches during the year giving people an opportunity to meet others on this journey of grief in a relaxed environment.

if you were to peer in the window on one of these mornings you may witness a range of emotions being displayed by those in attendance.

Some sit back and listen, happy to take in what is being said. others will be talking and comfortable in sharing. Laughter may be heard at times — which is often not expected but very welcome — and tears mayflow.

but those in attendance would say they never feel judged because all in the room know the pain they are feeling. Whether you are newly bereaved or a couple of years down the track, these mornings are an opportunity to talk, remember and grow.

below is an email from a woman who has attended the brunches in the past

For your diaryPlease feel welcome to attend our upcoming Grief Brunches on saturday 4 June, 17 september, and 3 December starting at 10am at esA Village, Raymond Terrace, south Brisbane. For more information on the brunches or any other grief services phone Marian on 07 3840 3844.

Hello Shirley

I received your welcome letter a couple of weeks ago, and am just catching up with

things now. Lovely to hear from you and yes, please may I stay on your books and lists?

I found the grief meetings and lunches all very good, and it’s only work (shift worker)

that stops me from getting to them at times. All have been a great help and comfort.

I have made many friends there, and it is these special friendships that help me cope,

and often with a laugh or two along the way.

One brunch comes to mind when one of our chaps related to us how he sewed on his

first button after he lost his wife. And I came to the conclusion that we all have our own

obstacles to overcome, and if we can share, it really does make it easier. I can’t thank

you and the Leukaemia Foundation enough for all the support and comfort that you have

given us all over the years. I really do shudder to think how we would have coped if you

had not been there for us.

Thank you so much — so little after you have given so much. Fundraising is at the top of

my list of priorities because that’s something I can do, especially donating the patchwork

quilts that I make. They always go down well.

Thanks for the letter Shirley, and yes please, keep me under your umbrella, safe and

secure. Lorraine Rowe

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Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow - Anonymous

To lose a child is one of the hardest things a person can have happen. The death of a child can destroy a parent’s understanding of the world and how to make sense out of it.

US psychologist and author Professor Paul rosenblatt of the University of minnesota has written that after a child dies “many beliefs, goals, routines, commitments, and relationships” are simply no longer applicable.

it is the natural order of the world for the parents to be buried by their children, not the other way around. Parents see the death of their child not only as unnatural, it is also inconceivable and incomprehensible. To lose a child shatters the parents’ understanding of their world and their place in it.

in his book Give sorrow words: A father’s passage through grief, US author Tom Crider wrote eloquently about his passage through grief following the death ofhisdaughterGretcheninanapartmentfire:“Iamnot who i was. my reason, judgement, and all my defences have dissolved, leaving me confused and terrifiedinaworldturnedsuddenlystrange.”

in his work, Prof rosenblatt also quotes a mother whose daughter has died: “it’s like somebody has got into my body and pulled a piece out, and you really don’t need it to survive, but you know the hole is there... it’s always there, always.... there’s something missing.”

he includes another quote from a parent after the death of a son: “i just hurt so bad i felt like there was this great big hole in the middle of my chest. it felt like somebody was twisting my heart and trying to rip it out.”

The Leukaemia Foundation’s grief Support Services has dealt with many parents for whom the pain is often unbearable.

Forthisreason,fiveyearsago,weintroducedtheBereaved Parents’ Weekend held in maleny. We have had numerous parents attend this event and all have told of how wonderful it was to be with other parents who, without words, knew the pain they were in and what others were going through.

it is a weekend of pampering, workshops, fantastic food and all in an environment designed to heal. it is a time when parents can express their grief and gain strategies to walk this incredibly tough road.Onthefirstweekendamumthoughtitwassovaluable she continues to raise funds through her Friends of Fletcher Foundation, named in her son’s honour, so other parents get the opportunity to also go.

amy now lives out of state because her husband is in the army but she is still raising funds. The Leukaemia Foundation is very grateful.

i have recently spoken with a father, John hatzifotis, who attended the weekend with his wife Soula in July 2007. John and Soula have raised funds for the Leukaemia Foundation each year in the memory of their beautiful son michael who passed away aged 23.

it is my experience bereaved parents want their child to be remembered as the years go on, and want others to know how special their child was. i always feel humbled and privileged to meet parents and to be introduced to their beautiful children on this weekend.

if you have lost a child of any age and would like more information on the next Bereaved Parents’ Weekend, please phone the Leukaemia Foundation of Queensland on 07 3840 3844.

References:• Crider, T (1996) Give sorrow words: A father’s passage

through grief. Chapel Hill, NC: Algonquin Books• Rosenblatt, PC (2000b) Parent grief: Narratives of loss

and relationship. Philadelphia: Brunner/Mazel• Tedeschi, RG and Calhoun, G (2004) Helping bereaved

parents. Brunner-Routledge

The loss of a childby Shirley Cunningham

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generalisations are often made about how men express their grief. For example, it is often said men are less likely to express their grief openly, or that men are more likely to use diversion techniques, such as overworking or engaging in risk-taking behaviours like unsafe sex or excessive alcohol consumption.

This reluctance to share grief may be a product of the protective role often assumed by men in society. While in this protective role, men may feel they are required to show strength and leadership by not letting others know of their pain. by expressing emotion some men may feel a sense of failure.

Women tend to seek and accept more emotional support during the grieving process, and will often look for and talk to others in a similar situation. men usually work through their grief independently and are less likely to access support services.

however, it’s not helpful to stereotype men’s grief. it can be simplistic to think that all men grieve in the same way, and all women grieve in a different way.

Some women will have trouble expressing emotions and will prefer to grieve independently, while many men can be open emotionally and do not have difficultyexpressingsadness,hurtorloss.

Anger and complicated grief

one of the more common emotions expressed by men in response to grief is anger. men may use anger in place of sadness, hurt or loneliness.

While this is a common coping response, it can be destructive – not only for the man himself, but for others trying to provide help and support.

men are often more prone to complicated grief reactions. Complicated grief is when painful emotions are so long-lasting and severe that a person can have trouble accepting the death, leading to depression and even thoughts of suicide.

What can help men grieving?

men do feel their pain and sadness deeply, regardless of how they express their grief.

here are a few ideas to consider if you want to help men around grief:

• ask a man to talk about their reactions instead of asking how they feel.

• Find ways for a man to be in the protective care of others by giving them something to do or to problem-solve.

• be prepared for humour as a way of emotional release.

• allow a man to be active — they may feel awkward about being around expressed feelings, or may be overwhelmed by not being able to do something constructive.

go to www.cancerconnections.com.au for further information.

If you are a man who has lost a loved one, you are welcome to attend the next Toolshed for Men’s Grief event, to be held at ESA Village, South Brisbane, on Saturday, 19 November at 9.30am. Phone the Leukaemia Foundation of Queensland for more information on 07 3840 3844.

Do men grieve differently?

Poem for WendyThis poem was sent in by Denis Dack who lost his wife less than 12 months ago. There are many ways to grieve and many ways to cope with loss and being able to express one’s pain and loneliness in the written word is one way to do this.

Denis wrote: “i lost my wife Wendy on 28 September last year. We had been married for 53 years and going togetherfor55years.ShewasmyfirstgirlfriendandIwasherfirstboyfriend.

“ShewasanurseandIwasapoliceofficer.Wehave four children, 10 grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. We had a great life and were a team always united against evil. i am lost now and thus this poem.”

many readers will no doubt relate to Denis’s poem.

THe BARReN FIeLD by Denis DackMy field of life is barren, bare lying fallow.

Nothing grows since you left, the plants won’t grow,The plough of despair makes furrows of sadness,They carry the rivers of tears that flow from me,

In desolation I sit and think of you,Across a field that once bloomed,

Now a desert, no future, no dreams, doomed.Let rains come and life begin again,

Show me a field of roses,That I may smell the sweetness of life,

To feel the juices in my body flow with joy.Let me live once more.

12

Our Vision to Cure and Mission to Care.

The Leukaemia Foundation of Queensland is a not-for-profit organisation focused on the care and support of patients and their families living with leukaemias, lymphomas, myeloma and related blood disorders.

The Foundation does this by providing emotional support, accommodation, transportation and practical assistance for patients and their families. The Leukaemia Foundation also funds research into cures and better treatments for blood cancers.

The Leukaemia Foundation receives no direct ongoing government funding and relies on the continuous support of individuals and corporate partners to expand its services.

To find out more about the work of the Leukaemia Foundation of Queensland and how you can help, phone 1800 620 420 or visit the Foundation’s website at www.leukaemia.org.au. GPO Box 9954

Brisbane QLD 4001ph: 1800 620 420

If you do not wish to receive future editions of this publication please contact the Leukaemia Foundation support services Division on 07 3840 3844.

Disclaimer: No person should rely on the contents of this publication without first obtaining advice from their treating specialist.

Leukaemia Foundation of Queensland ©

For help call Brisbane: 07 3840 3844 or Townsville: 07 4727 8000or visit www.leukaemia.org.au.

Director of support servicesbarbara hartigan

support services CoordinatorsSheila DeucharsScott martinKris murphymaryanne Skarparisnicole Douglasmichele Leis (Townsville)

Grief support services CoordinatorShirley Cunningham

Support Services Administration Officermarian marshall

Queensland Support Services team

Seminar scheduleFor more information or to make a booking phone 07 3840 3844.

Grief support brunches

Date:

Time:Location:

Saturdays: 4 June, 17 September, 3 December9.30ameSa village, raymond Terrace, South brisbane

Healing Hearts for Bereaved Children

Date:Time:Location:

Saturdays: 9 July, 5 october, 10 December 10amClem Jones–Sunland Leukaemia Foundation village, middle Street, Coopers Plains.

Celebration of Life

Date:Time:Location:

Sunday, 7 august10.30ameSa village, raymond Terrace, South brisbane

Father’s Day evening

Date:Location:

Wednesday, 7 September eSa village, raymond Terrace, South brisbane

Toolshed for Men’s Grief

Date:Time:Location:

Saturday, 19 november 9.30ameSa village, raymond Terrace, South brisbane

Major fundraising datesLavender for leukaemia, lymphoma and myeloma – throughout June

Doorknock Appeal – 16-29 July

Wednesday, 5 October 2011Come along to this special event where we remember loved ones lost, celebrate those who have survived and show support for the work of the Leukaemia Foundation.

For more information about Light the Night events throughout Queensland go to www.lightthenight.org.au.