SUICIDE

In 1985, after very careful planning over a number of months, the day came when I decided that I could not carry on any more. I was bankrupt financially and emotionally, a once wonderful relationship was obviously coming to an end and my work was very unpleasant but it was the only one I could get because of my age. So I drove to a beautiful spot by a small lake and pulled out of the map pocket of the driving seat of my car the 250 ml jar of poison I had carried around with me for so many months. I prized open the lid of the jar and, ever so calmly, lifted the jar to my lips and was about to drink when I heard the words “This is not the way.”Strangely, I did not question this: it just seemed to make sense to me so I, still calmly, put the lid back on, put the bottle back in the map pocket, and drove back home.

By early 1986 my partner and I had parted and I was finding my way in life in my own flat, with next to no furniture etcetera and tenuous employment when I had a vision of a mandala which was followed periodically by a series of amazing spiritual insights which ten years later formed part of my book The Milk Is White and the subsequent, on going, The “Quo Vadis?” File.

So, this was the emergence of the butterfly from the chrysalis of the caterpillar that nearly committed suicide. At one time in 1986 I had been wondering why these amazing revelations were coming to and through me when I simply got up from the only chair I possessed, went to the few books I had and, picking out one for no particular reason opened it. The book had opened to where on the right hand side was a quote from the Bible, part of which went something like this, “For whom the Lord would exalt He first brings low.”

This humbled me although I could understand its meaning because I could not have felt lower than I had earlier. However, I was not comfortable with the word “exalt” as for me it meant “elevate”, “raise to a position of exaltation” etcetera, so I looked up a dictionary and was relieved to find that it also meant “teach”!

I have written this for the purpose of posting it here in this group in case it is of help to anyone contemplating suicide; of help by showing that we never know what is in store for us and that success is not judged by the position one holds or how much money one earns or has. I also urge anyone who reads this to read what I have written since those words, “This is not the way.”

All I have written is available free here on Scribd or my web site which you can easily find on Google and Yahoo! Understand what we are and the purpose of life allows us to see that suicide is not the way; to see that life is not a problem but a challenge!