Steve Whitmore June 2018 Revising Sentences for...

Revising for Connection 1 of 63

Revising Sentences for Connection

© Steve Whitmore

June 2018


Revising Sentences for Connection

At the end of this module, you will be able to identify and

correct stylistic problems involving the following:

Repetitive Structures

Parallel Sentence Structure

Vague “This” Subjects

Transitional Tags


Pattern for Unnecessary Repetition

S/V/Word#1 Word#1 . . . Word#2 Word#2 . . . Word#3


Unnecessary Repetition

The length of the transistor that can function as a long

channel device is strongly related to its junction depth. The

junction depth, of the boron source/drain implant, can be

reduced by lowering the implant energy. However,

lowering the implant energy increases the channeling

probability for boron ions. The channeling probability for

boron ions . . . .




channel device is strongly related to its junction depth. The

junction depth, of the boron source/drain implant, can be

reduced by lowering the implant energy. However,

lowering the implant energy increases the channeling

probability for boron ions. The channeling probability for

boron ions . . . .




channel device is strongly related to its junction depth.

Lowering the implant energy (and thereby increasing the

channeling probability for boron ions) reduces the junction

depth of the boron source/drain implant. The channeling

probability for boron ions . . .



This critique is structured around the models identified in the MSAT Project Management course notes presented by Mr. G. Robinson of E.M. Sciences Ltd. A specific model identifying the organizational boundary and defining the internal and external components forms the basis of this critique. The focus of this critique is limited to the internal organizational components which includes the following subjects: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships. The external components of the model -- e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands -- are beyond the scope of this critique. This critique focuses inside the organizational boundary.



This critique is based on a model identifying organizational boundaries and defining the internal and external components of the organization.1 The external components of the model (e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands) are beyond the scope of this critique which focuses solely on the following internal components: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships.

1G. Robinson. 1995. MSAT Project Management Course Notes. E.M. Sciences Ltd.



To my knowledge, no Mission Statement exists. This being

said, either there is no Mission Statement, or the one that

exists is not being made readily available to all employees.



To my knowledge, either no Mission Statement exists or it

is not being made readily available to all employees.


Unnecessary RepetitionI think that in order to make strong statements about the presence of

these items in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence

supporting her argument. I also think that if these illicit materials were

being smuggled into the solitary cells, it would be likely that either (1)

large fragments or complete bottles/pipes would be found underlying

the charcoal layer or (2) no illicit materials would be found if the cells

were cleaned often and the objects removed. Although Casella uses

the material evidence to support her interpretations, I think that further

excavation of the solitary cells would provide more information and

better evidence to support or refute her argument.


Unnecessary RepetitionIn order to make strong statements about the presence of these items

in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence supporting her

argument. If these illicit materials were being smuggled into the solitary

cells, it would be likely that either (1) large fragments or complete

bottles/pipes would be found underlying the charcoal layer or (2) no

illicit materials would be found if the cells were cleaned often and the

objects removed. Although Casella uses the material evidence to

support her interpretations, further excavation of the solitary cells would

provide more information and better evidence to support or refute her

argument.


Some Pointers

Avoid “chaining” sentences together by repeating the last

words of a sentence as the 1st words of the next

sentence.

Ensure you edit “stream-of-consciousness” writing.

Avoid starting strings of sentences with phrases such as

“I think” or “I believe.” We assume you think it if you

wrote it.


Some More Pointers Poetic repetition is a very powerful way to help people

remember a key point.

Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory

however long and hard the road may be; for without

victory there is no survival. -- Winston Churchill

This technique is perhaps best saved for occasions such

as delivering eulogies or motivational speeches.


Patterns for Parallel Structure(type of) Phrase and/or/but/;/etc. (type of) Phrase

Balance (length) Balance

^

(to) Verb (ing, ed)

(to) Verb (ing, ed)

(to) Verb (ing, ed)

(article) Noun

(article) Noun

(article) Noun

Dropped (bulleted) list or in sentence list:



Examples of coordinators in parallel structure

and as well as

or rather than

but neither . . . nor

yet either . . . or

so not only . . . but also



The system survey report will describe, in general, the

current system activities, the problems that the current

system is experiencing, and to present options and make

recommendations to you and other decision making

authorities.




current system activities, the problems that the current

system is experiencing, and to present options and make

recommendations to you and other decision making

authorities.




current system activities and the problems that the current

system is experiencing. It will also present options and

make recommendations to you and other decision making

authorities.



This discussion prompted me to contact PTE for further

information and the support package that PTE can offer for

PC/FOCUS.




information and the support package that PTE can offer for

PC/FOCUS.




information and for the PC/FOCUS support package.



In order to improve our facilities, we must do the following:

• repair our existing PCs

• purchase 11 more hard drives

• security is insufficient

• expand our operating hours






• security is insufficient







• increase system security




The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project

management structure. This critique will discuss the

following topics:

1. My vision of the company as an optimal organization.

2. Strengths and weaknesses of current practices.

3. The effects of the current structure on the projects, the employees, and the organization as a whole.

4. Finally, I will recommend ways to improve our structure and bring us closer to our mission.



The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project


following topics:


2. Strengths and weaknesses of current practices.


4. Finally, I will recommend ways to improve our structure and bring us closer to our mission.


Parallel Sentence StructureThe purpose of this paper is to critique our current project


following topics:


2. The strengths and weaknesses of current practices.


Finally, I recommend ways to improve our structure and

bring us closer to our mission.


Some Pointers

Use the same verb form when linking ideas together

using a coordinating conjunction.

Split excessively long sentences in two to avoid

parallelism problems.

Repeat prepositions in lengthy prepositional phrases.

Try to balance length as well as structure.


Some More Pointers

Ensure lists are parallel by starting all items with nouns

or verbs.

Avoid mixing complete sentences and sentence

fragments in lists.

Beware of Microsoft’s automated features!


Pattern for Vague “This” Subject

This (???) Verb/Object



The use of lower wind speeds in the dispersion model

tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This is an

additional reason to use Northland meteorological data in

the dispersion model.




tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This is an

additional reason to use Northland meteorological data in

the dispersion model.




tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This

conservative approach is an additional reason to use

Northland meteorological data in the dispersion model.



RNB is a large, well managed technology company with

dedicated people possessing generous amounts of skill

and experience. This has been externally validated by our

ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2 rating.





and experience. This has been externally validated by our

ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2 rating.





and experience. These attributes have been externally

validated by our ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2

rating.



The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards

structure. This is required to maintain motivation on

projects where many extra hours are required and no

overtime policy exists. This can be critical for commitment

from employees.



The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards structure

in order to maintain motivation on projects where many

extra hours are required and no overtime policy exists.

Providing rewards can be critical for commitment from

employees.


Some Pointers

Place a word or phrase immediately after the word “this”

when it starts a sentence.

Avoid strings of vague “this” subjects.


Pattern for Transitions

Isaac Newton wrote Principia to explain his theories of

motion and gravitation. However, tomatoes grow best in full

sunlight. So doctors are required to take the Hippocratic

oath. Therefore, we must learn to more clearly explain what

we mean.

Isaac Newton wrote Principia to explain his theories of

motion and gravitation.

Tomatoes grow best in full sunlight.

Doctors are required to take the Hippocratic oath.

We must learn to more clearly explain what we mean.


Transitions

Partial list of prepositions

SPATIAL

about, above, against, around, at,

behind, below, beneath, beside,

between, beyond, by, down, from,

in, inside, into, on, off, out,

outside, over, through, to,

toward, up, upon, with

TEMPORAL

as, after, before, during, since,

till, until

COMPOUND

according to, along with, due to,

except for, in addition, in front of,

in order to, in spite of, on account

of, instead of, with regard to

OTHER

except, for, like, of


Transitions

Partial list of conjunctions

COORDINATING

and, but, for, nor , or, so, yet

CORRELATIVE

both/and, either/or, neither/nor,

not only/but also

RELATIVE

that, which

SUBORDINATING

after, albeit, although, as, as a

result of, as far as, as if, as soon

as, as well as, because, before,

even though, if . . . (then),

inasmuch as, insofar as, once,

only, since, so as, so far as,

though, unless, when, whenever,

where, whereas, whereby, whereof


Transitions

Partial list of adverbials

also, consequently, finally, firstly,

further, furthermore, hence, hereafter,

however, indeed, initially, likewise,

moreover, nevertheless, previously,

secondly, subsequently, thereafter,

thereby, therefore, therein, thus, while


Using Transitions

Since the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred

on the board.


Using Transitions

Because the electrode was connected, a short circuit

occurred on the board.

OR

After the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred

on the board.


Using Transitions

The majority of this paper’s recommendations point to the

need for engaging in this type of project as they have a

larger management component.


Using Transitions


need for engaging in this type of project as they have a



Using Transitions


need for engaging in this type of project because they have

a larger management component.

OR


need for engaging in this type of project when they have a



Using Transitions

Injuries of this type have become a severe problem for the

pharmacy. There is no equipment available on the market

for the IV admixture.


Using Transitions


pharmacy. There is no equipment available on the market

for the IV admixture.


Using Transitions


pharmacy because no equipment is available on the

market for the IV admixture.


Using TransitionsThere is not much peer-to-peer interaction. This has resulted in strong relationships between the R&D manager and the individuals on the team and weak relationships among members of the group. People in R&D are not used to interacting as peers. There has been a focus on domain expertise, which has resulted in pockets of expertise that lead to bottlenecks because expertise is not shared. Individuals start to feel ownership for individual components of the system. This creates technical dedication, but creates situations where individuals are taken as the authority that discouraged the technical exchange of information among the group. Because of the technical focus in R&D, it is easy to ignore the concerns and needs of the customer. On many occasions, with customer-focused projects, there has been direct contact between R&D and the customer. In order to maintain a customer focus, it isimportant for R&D teams to maintain a good relationship with the customer.


Using TransitionsA lack of peer interaction has led to strong relationships between the R&D manager and individuals on the team but weak relationships among team members. Although the focus on domain expertise encourages people to feel ownership for components of the system, it also creates situations where individuals are viewed as authorities. Consequently, technical dedication is encouraged while exchange of technical information is discouraged. In other words, we have pockets of expertise and bottlenecks in the flow of information because expertise is not shared. Technical focus in R&D can also lead to problems in relationships with customers, whose concerns and needs are often ignored. Note, however, that on many occasions our customer-focused projects have provided direct contact between R&D and customers. If we pay more attention to customer relations, then we shift the focus in R&D from domain expertise to customers and thusencourage much needed peer interaction.


Some Pointers Use transitions to clarify the relationships between ideas.

More transitions for audiences with low expertise; fewer transitions for audiences with high expertise.

Be cautious when using “as” or “since.”

Recognize that a style heavily dependent upon empty sentence openers and vague “this” subjects is often lacking in transitions (often resulting is too many short unrelated sentences)


This Is Your Brain on Style ;-)

This is

Parallel Structure

As/Since

RepetitionRepetion

Transitions

Reminder

Draft Papers are due next Monday.

Please read Paper Submission Instructions and MS

Word Template

E-mail a .pdf copy of paper to [email protected] by

23:59.

Make one hard copy for review and submit in ENSC 803

dropbox (west outside of ENSC General Office). Ensure

you leave your name, biography, and photo off this

copy. Drop off Tuesday morning.


mailto:[email protected]


Conclusion

Reflections: Which of the preceding style patterns do

you find in your writing?

Steve Whitmore June 2018 Revising Sentences for...

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