Speech121conflict

Chapter 7 - Emotions

Copyright © 2013, 2009, 2006 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved

1. Emotions may be primary or blended Primary emotions joy, trust, fear, surprise,

sadness, disgust, anger and anticipation Blended emotions combine primary emotions Emotion wheel model

Emotions close in meaning are close together Emotions opposite in meaning are opposite Shades show blended emotions

Emotion Spectrum

Learning to Understand your emotions

Key: Understanding your emotions, the triggers and effective means of expressing them can reduce anger

which leads to conflict.

Emotional Competence


1. Emotional understanding or self-awareness of your feelings and their effects “What am I feeling and what made me feel this

way?” “What exactly do I want to communicate?” “What are my communication choices?”

Emotional Competence (cont.)


2. Emotional expression Be specific Describe the reasons for your feelings Address mixed feelings Try to anchor your emotions in the present Own your feelings, take personal responsibility

for them with I-statements Ask for what you want Respect emotional boundaries



3. Emotional responding Look at nonverbal cues to understand feelings Look for cues about what the person wants you

to do Use active listening Empathize Focus on the other person Remember communication is irreversible

• What do you think of when you hear or see the word conflict?

Myths or not about interpersonal conflict?


Conflict is best avoided Conflict is a sign of a troubled relationship Conflict damages a relationship Conflict is destructive because it reveals

our bad sides In conflict, there has to be a winner and a

loser

What is conflict?

- An expressed struggle – Disagreement becomes verbal and nonverbal facial/gestures show aggression.

- Occurs when people are interdependent- Mutually aware of incompatible goals- See each other as interfering with achieving

goals

Quotes about Conflict

• An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. ~ Ghandi

• Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love. ~ Martin Luther King

• Truth springs from argument amongst friends. ~ David Hume

****I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. ~Voltaire

Mckorke and MillsConflict - It is our mindset!

• Language choices shape our perception of our roles in conflict

• Crum’s five mind sets:Negative – Negative, diminish energy, invoke

fear and require struggle1)Destruction2)Decay3)Survival

Crum’s five mindsets

Positive - invoke love and are effortless and joyful.•Success•Artistry

Words can contribute to conflict – A Cow

“Everyone knows what a cow is!”

WRONG….

Conflict – Deborah TannenAn American academic and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University in

Washington, D.C.

We live in an Argument culture where:•Opposition•Debate•Polarization•Litigation•Attacks•Criticism are perceived as “The Best Way to Get Things Done.” •War or sports metaphors are used

Here's a short list of metaphors borne from war terms. It is arranged as:

1) Metaphor; 2) An example in use; 3) An implication made by the metaphor.

• Launch: John Kerry launched a diplomatic effort aimed at ending the war. Diplomacy is a weapon against war itself.

• Ceasefire: The neighbors agreed to a ceasefire over their lawn ornament argument. Argument is war: words are bullets that can inflict harm; the mind is a territory that can be disputed.

• Truce: The neighbors agreed to a truce over their barbeque dispute. Disagreement is war: the terms of agreement are a truce spelling out sovereign territories.

• Battle: Every day is an uphill battle. Life is a battle against a higher enemy - and we are the underdogs (rebels?) seeking higher ground.

• Battleground: The senate has become the battleground for stem cell lobbyists. Opposing lobbyists are civil-war warriors seeking to sieze a specific legal territory from (disputed zone) lawmakers.

• Under fire: The president has been under fire for his veto of the stem cell bill. Politics is war, with word-bullets a popular means of attack

• Firestorm: Stem cell research has created a firestorm of controversy. Controversy is heat, and is self-perpetuating (also heated debate or discussion). (Note: self-perpetuating heat is also a quality of friction, another metaphor for disagreement).

• Bombard: The president was bombarded with questions from the press. The press is an enemy state, whose purpose is to destroy the president.

Other Metaphors relating to Conflict

• Two rams butting heads• She was so angry she was like a tornado• Talking to a brick wall• Tied up in chains• Don’t rock the boat• Stabbed in the back• Life is a Rocky Road• He is treating me like a child

Causes of ConflictInternal – •Problems such as those discussed about Anger•Psychological problems •Challenges such as Asperger's syndrome,, hard of earing, etc. •Physiological problems (hungry, tiredness, pain, etc.) •Self concept – is it weak or strong•Needs not being met (Maslow Hierarchy of Needs) External – •Noise•Workplace•Campus•Family

Internal Conflict - Left-Right Brain

Conflict - Human History

• People are killed, imprisoned, electrocuted, drowned, exiled, beat up, segregated, isolated, verbally abused, hung, tortured, or starved to death.

Over: • Ideologies, Religions, Resourses, Territory, Pride,

Values, National Interests, Ethnic Differences, Family and Spousal Disagreements, Neighborhood Disputes.

Seven reasons we get angry. From Kristina Von Rosining – Life Coach

Anger is a normal emotion. -The reasons why we get angry are varied. Need know causes!Three reasons people respond with anger - emotionally threatened:1. Feeling hurt - when our feelings are hurt it is easier to get in touch with anger at the person who has just emotionally wounded us than to acknowledge the hurt.2. Feeling betrayed - the feeling of having been betrayed hits us to the core and again the instinctive response can be one of overwhelming anger at the person who betrayed us.3. Feeling embarrassed - responding with anger becomes a way of covering up what one is really feeling.

• Anger is a normal emotion. We all get angry and need to find ways to manage ourselves when we are angry. The reasons why we get angry are varied. It helps us to find ways to deal with our anger when we understand what is making us angry.

• Three reasons people respond with anger when they feel emotionally threatened:

• Feeling hurt - when our feelings are hurt it is easier to get in touch with anger at the person who has just emotionally wounded us than to acknowledge the hurt.

• Feeling betrayed - the feeling of having been betrayed hits us to the core and again the instinctive response can be one of overwhelming anger at the person who betrayed us.

• Feeling embarrassed - responding with anger becomes a way of covering up what one is really feeling.

• Four reasons people respond with anger that are learned:

• Repeating a pattern - this is usually a pattern that is learned from the people who have had a significant influence in ones life. Usually it is a parent or other adult from whom one learns how to deal with anger. Unfortunately some people are not good at modeling successful ways of handling oneself when angry.

• Getting ones way - Some people have found that they get what they want when they get angry. By getting angry they intimidate the other person and cut off communication.

• Handling defensiveness - Responding with anger can be a cover up for feeling defensive. Again it is a learned response to experiencing strong feelings that are deep inside. People who are in the habit of responding with defensive anger are frequently not even aware what they are really feeling. Anger can be a cover-up for many other feelings. It takes courage to look behind the defensiveness.

• Pent-up rage - can be for various reasons: having been mistreated, bullied and/or abused; difficulty with impulse control; or a result or drug,alcohol, or prescription drug abuse. Any one who is struggling with pent-up rage may benefit from a professional assessment. If one does not find successful ways of handling this kind of anger it will adversely affect relationships.

• Learning to understand what makes one angry goes a long way towards finding solutions to managing ones anger. In order to be able to interact successfully with others it becomes necessary to learn ways of dealing with ones anger in ways that are respectful of self and others.

• And if you are interested in learning more about strengthening your emotional fitness I invite you to visit http://www.GrowWithKristina.com and http://www.kristinavonr.com all by Kristina von Rosenving

• Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kristina_Von_Rosenvinge

•Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1316008

Seven reasons we get angry. From Kristina Von Rosining – Life Coach

Four reasons people respond with anger that are learned responses:1.Repeating a pattern (manner in which we learn to deal with anger) – Yelling, ignoring someone this is a pattern that is learned – usually from a parent or other adult from whom one learns how to deal with anger. •Most people do not know how to deal with anger•We need someone to model successful ways of handling oneself when angry.2. Getting ones way - Some people have found that they get what they want when they get angry- they intimidate the other person and cut off communication.3. Handling defensiveness - Responding with anger can be a cover up for feeling defensive, and is a learned response to experiencing strong feelings that are deep inside. •People who are in the habit of responding with defensive anger are frequently not even aware what they are really feeling. Anger can be a cover-up for many other feelings. 4. Pent-up rage – Many reasons: having been mistreated, bullied and/or abused; difficulty with impulse control; or a result or drug, alcohol, or prescription drug abuse.• Any one who is struggling with pent-up rage may benefit from a professional assessment. If one does not find successful ways of handling this kind of anger it will adversely affect relationships.

Internal Conflict Left-Right Brain

Principles of Interpersonal Conflict


1. Conflict is inevitable2. Conflict can have negative and positive

effects Negative effects

Leads to bad feelings You close yourself off Increases costs

Principles of Interpersonal Conflict (cont.)


2. Negative and positive effects (cont.) Positive effects

Resolves problems Improves relationships Demonstrates commitment to relationship

3. Conflict can focus on content and/or relationship issues Relationship conflicts – equity and power Relationship conflicts hide as content conflicts

Principles of Interpersonal Conflict (cont.)


4. Conflict styles have consequences Competing – I win, you lose Avoiding – I lose, you lose Accommodating – I lose, you win Collaborating – I win, you win Compromising – I win and lose; you win and

lose

Types of Conflict

• Pseudo-conflict– People misunderstand one another

• Simple conflict– People disagree about issues

• Ego-conflict– Personalities clash

Copyright © 2012, 2009, 2006, Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights

Reserved

Managing Pseudo Conflict

• Ask for clarification

• Establish supportive rather than defensive climate

• Employ active listening skills– Stop, look, listen, question, paraphrase

content, paraphrase feelings

Managing Simple Conflict

• Clarify perceptions of message• Clarify issues• Use structured problem solving approach• Focus on issues• Use facts versus opinions • Compromise• Make conflict group concern• Prioritize conflict resolution• Postpone decision


Reserved

Managing Ego-Conflict

• Don’t permit personal attacks

• Employ active listening

• Call for a “cooling off” period

• Focus on key issues

• Avoid judgment

• Use problem solving approach

• Speak slowly and calmly

• Agree to disagreeCopyright © 2012, 2009, 2006,

Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

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Common Roots of Conflict

• Ineffective communication

• Values clashes• Culture clashes• Work policies and

practices

• Adversarial management

• Noncompliance• Competition for scarce

resources• Personality clashes


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Common roots of conflict - 1

• Ineffective communication - major source of personal conflict; why? (resources, needs not being met, disconfirming communication.)

• Diversity among people -- communication breakdowns are inevitable

Check: First determine if the conflict is a misunderstanding or a true disagreement

• Check that you are using confirming not disconfirming communication


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Value Clashes

• Conflict may be due to value differences between – Generations – values, life experiences, history– Gender – communication styles - women and menPeople with different value priorities– More government vs. less government– Pro Life vs. Pro Choice– Death penalty vs. Life time internment.– Strong work/academic ethic vs. taking advantage of the system,

or cheating– Gay marriage/rights vs. non support of Gay marriage/rights


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Culture Clashes• Occurs between people

– from other countries – between people from different parts of the U.S.

• Work force reflects cultural diversity• Topics - High context cultures fight about violations of group norms - Low context cultures fight about violations of personal norms• Different cultural traditions can easily come into conflict in the

workplace – religion, food, clothing, etc. • Issues range from pseudo (communication misunderstanding) to

complex (Values, prejudice, racism, etc.)


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Work Policies and Practices

• Conflict may happen when organizations maintain confusing or arbitrary– Rules– Regulations– Performance standards

• Often surface when managers don’t understand that employees view policies as unfair


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Adversarial Management

• Conflict can occur when managers view employees and other managers with distrust and suspicion

• View others as “the enemy”

• Leads to a lack of respect by employees• Makes teamwork and cooperation difficult


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Noncompliance

• Workers refusing to comply with rules• Or accept unfair share of workload• Union members crossing picket lines• Nepotism or favoritism• Makes other co-workers angry


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Competition for Scarce Resources

• Downsizing and cost cutting can lead to destructive competition for scarce resources

• When decisions are not clearly explained, workers suspect coworkers of devious tactics

• Certain Departments may benefit more, due to many reasons. (LAVC issues)


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Personality Clashes

• People have differing– Communication styles– Temperaments– Attitudes – Likes and dislikes

• People may not be able to identify cause of dislike – mostly subconscious.

- likely not about the conflict, but a past negative experience.

Fear not those who argue, but those who dodge

~ Dale Carnegie

What is your conflict style?(in class quiz)

Five Conflict Management Styles

• Dysfunctional families – Many of us grew up in families where we didn’t learn to effectively communicate in relationships, especially when it involves conflict – being assertive helps heal and reduces our stress and conflict with others.

There are five basic styles of communication: - Avoidance - Accommodation - Competition - Collaboration - Compromise


Avoidance is a style (AS) in which individuals have developed a pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and identifying and meeting their needs. AS will: •Avoid conflict•Fall to assert themselves•Allows others to infringe on their rights•Tend to speak softy and apologeticallyIssues: •Avoidance can make conflict worse•Avoidance demonstrates lack of care or concernWhen is this style appropriate?•Can be positive, especially if the conflict is too big or emotional to resolve without help•Can give a group time to cool off – or allows group to avoid ‘hot' issues to get in the way


Accommodation is a style (ACS) in which individuals give in to avoid a major blow up or controversy. Not a bad approach, especially when conflict is pseudo or simple. ACS will:•Hope this approach makes the conflict go away•Have a high need for approval – think this will make people like them more•Give in too quickly, and doesn’t allow discussion which is often healthy for a group making decisionsWhen is this style appropriate?•Accommodating others may cause the group to make a bad decision, if more discussion isn’t allowed to happen

Five Conflict Management StylesCompetition is a style (CS) that people who have power or want more power often seek to compete with others. Often referred to aggressive. CS will:•Try to dominate others•Use humiliation to control others•Have low frustration levels•Blame others, instead of owning the issuesWhen is style appropriate?•Not always wrong to compete, if you know you aren’t wrong•Also, if group members are suggesting something illegal or inappropriate•Or, member keeps others in the group from destructive or inappropriate behavior


Compromise ‘the big C’ (CS) is style that attempts to find a middle ground – a solution that meets all needs. Issues:•You win…I win, is the best case, however at times nobody gets what they want.•Or, some lose and some win, which is expected…like a democracy. The majority win. •What can happen to the minority?


Collaboration is a style (COS) where group members work side-by-side, rather than going after power, control, or winner takes all. COS will:•View conflict has something that needs to be resolved, rather than a game where people win or lose.•COS leave personal grievances aside. Works best:•With a culturally diverse group•When group has the time to take to work through discussion, and looking all solutions to make sure everyone is happy with decision

Resolving ConflictsWhere do the styles fit?


Reserved

• Differing Views of Your Conflict Style

• Your ratings may reflect the way you intend to act during conflicts, rather than the way you interact with others during conflicts.

• For instance, you may intend to be confronting. You want the goal achieved, and you care about the relationships. Others may perceive that you are forceful with a focus on goals and a willingness to sacrifice relationships.

Conflict StylesThere are many potential causes for these discrepancies, but here are a few of the more

common ones.

• Style collision.

• Egocentric interpretation. Although all five conflict styles are associated with both negatives and positives, society has taught us that it's better to be smoothing.

• Timing. Our ratings may be influenced more significantly by recent events and so can the ratings of other people.

• Interpersonal history. If you are in the midst of conflict with another person, you can expect your ratings to shift temporarily. If you have a history of conflict with the person, you can expect the ratings to shift permanently.

• Can You Change Your Style? By this point in your life, you've developed a style, and it comes naturally to you. It's not so much a matter of changing your style as it is controlling the negative aspects of the style you've developed.

Dealing with Difficult PeopleCrazy - Makers

Passive Aggressive – is a style where individuals appear passive on the surface but are actually acting out anger in a subtle, indirect, or behind the scenes way. PA will:•Mutter to themselves•Use facial expressions that don’t’ match •Deny there is a problem•Become alienated from those around themPA believe:•They are weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate and disrupt. •I will appear cooperative but I’m not.

Dealing with Difficult MembersRecognizing Crazy maker Behavior

• Surprise you with requests• Pressure to do something when you’re unsure• Use relationships as leverage• Isolate you from support• Shift expectations and moods

Crazy makers can be managed

Don’t expect them to respond to feelings – Use statements that are factual, not emotional.Don’t let them spoil you day – One needs to emotionally

separate their identity and self-esteem from their negative behavior – Don’t take it personally!

Manage yourself in their presence • Monitor your physical and nonverbal responses. • Stay neutral – don’t show emotions show in your tone

of voice, facial expressions or gestures.• Don’t give them the “power.”

Crazymakers can be managed

Manage and communicate expectations• Don’t expect them to behave as you do.• Be clear with them about your expectations.Slow them Down – Tell them “You will get back to

them,” or “You don’t have all the information you need to make a decisions.”

Ask lot’s of questions – This will help you sort out their demands and determine what they want.

What do you see?

Conflict - It is a matter of perspective

• What do you see in the picture?• Some people see an eagle and a beaver, and

other things. Questions:• Why do some people see an young or old woman, beaver, or

eagle?• Is there a right way to see them?• How did you feel about those who saw it differently? The same?• Was there ever a time when you saw something one way and

some else saw it differently?

Conflict – can be a matter of perspective

• Two people can look at the same picture and see something different without either being wrong, how might this affect a conflict?

• If something is more serious such as if someone is pro life or pro choice, is there right or wrong?

• What if each person sees the situation a different way? How can they figure out a resolution to the conflict if they are both right?

What did the blind men see?

The Moral to the Elephant

•We should also try to understand other people’s points of view.

•This will enable us to get a proper perspective

on different situations and events.

Unproductive Communication Patterns During Conflict

• The early stages– Failing to confirm individuals– Cross-complaining – complaint met by complaint– Negative climate and mind reading

• The middle stages– Kitchen sinking - involves throwing all kinds of events, or

misdeeds of another person, at them all at once. Example: A conversation about who's supposed to take out the garbage today might turn into a discussion of what someone did ten years ago.

– Frequent interruptions • The later stages

– Pressure to resolve conflict - Usually on own terms



Anger communication Get ready to communicate calmly and logically Examine your communication choices Consider the advantages of delaying the

expression of your anger Remember cultural differences in display rules Apply interpersonal skills Remember communication is irreversible

Constructive Communication Patterns During Conflict

• The early stages– Communicators confirm each other by recognizing and

acknowledging each other’s concerns and feelings

• The middle stages– Stay focused on main issues (agenda building)– Bracketing – Individuals confirm others by getting back to

them later– Don’t interrupt except for clarification– Recognize each other’s point of view

• The later stages– Contracting – Take each proposal and agree upon a

solution

Basic Methods for Resolving Conflict

• See handout

Conflict Management SkillsTips for managing and resolving conflict • Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather

than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.

• Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.

• Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. Maybe you don't want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes. But if there are dozens of spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it.

• Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.

• Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

REDUCE CONFLICTEncourage Supportive Communication

Different types of communication create supportive and defensive climates in personal relationships.

Interpersonal climates occur on a continuum confirming to disconfirming.

Confirming messages recognize that another person exists, acknowledge that another matters to us, and endorse what we believe is true.

Disconfirming messages deny the person’s existence, indicate the other person does not matter to us, and reject another person’s feelings or thoughts.

Rewind - Say it better!Disconfirming vs. confirming

Change evaluation to description You’re acting very immaturely. Example:“I notice that you are getting upset by this situation.”

Change certainty to provisionalism The right thing to do is crystal clearExample: “The right thing to do can be difficult to decide.”

Change strategy to spontaneity Don’t you owe me a favor from when I typed that paper for you last term? Example, “Remember the term paper I helped you with last term? Do you think you could help me out with one of my own?”

Change control orientation to problem orientation I think we should move where I have the good job offer since I earn a larger salary than you anyway. Example, “In terms of moving, what decision will make the most sense for us in terms of our financial position as well as our

relationship?

Change neutrality to empathy I can’t believe you got yourself into such a dumb predicament. Example, “This is tricky situation. Let’s see what we can do to help you address it.”

Change superiority to equality I don’t want to get involved in your disagreement. Example, “I can see where you’re coming from with this, and based on what you’ve said, it seems like it might be best to

talk with Susan directly about this issue.”

Aggression, Assertion, & Deference

Emotion Competence - Respond Constructively to Criticism

Refusing to accept criticism is likely to erect barriers or affect job performance reviews.

Seek more information - asking questions, paraphrasing what you have heard to reduce tension.

Consider the criticism thoughtfully – Is it valid?If you decide the criticism is valid, consider whether you want to

change how you act.Thank the person who offered the criticism – sometimes is disarming

and keeps the door open for communication in the future.Sometimes people are just difficult to deal with. They can be: rude,

inconsiderate, or just crazymakers. This calls for you to protect yourself.



Grieving communication Confirm the person and their emotions Give them permission to grieve Avoid trying to focus on the bright side Encourage them to talk about their feelings and

their loss Be sensitive to leave-taking cues Let them know you care and you’re available



Anger communication Get ready to communicate calmly and logically Examine your communication choices Consider the advantages of delaying the

expression of your anger Remember cultural differences in display rules Apply interpersonal skills Remember communication is irreversible

Humor

• Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their moccasins. That way, if they get mad, they're a mile away and barefoot.

Humor used the right way at the right time can be just what you need to diffuse a conflict at work.

1) Laugh at yourself, and use that as the subject of a joke or humor to stop the argument.

2) Wait for a break in the argument, and bring up a silly story or anecdote from your day.

3) Go back to your younger days. Throw out popular phrases from the school yard. Use phrases like "nuh-uh," "I know you are, but what am I?" and everyone's favorite, "I'm rubber you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."

4) Try physical humor to stop an argument. Drop something, fall, spill food or drinks on yourself or throw something to lighten the mood.

5) Play act – Growl, clench fists, leg wrestle, arm wrestle.

Sometimes - It’s all in how you ask?

Advice from Grade School Children

Advise from the dog!

BARK LESS!

Advice from the dog!

You are in Control!

The minute you begin to do what you want to do, it’s a different kind of life.

--Buckminster Fuller

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