Special Considerations Handout

8/8/2019 Special Considerations Handout

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Special Considerations for Parenting Adopted Children

_ Catholic CharitiesCHILD-AND FAMILY SERVICES

Marcy Gitt, MSW, LCSW-C

Adoption Social WorkerCenter for Family Services

2601 N. Howard Street, Suite 200 " Baltimore, MD 21218

[email protected]

Phone: 410-659-4050 ".Fax: 410-659-4060

Ability to acknowledge that being an adoptive parent requires a unique set of skills

Unique challenges that biological children do not bring into parenting

Normal emotional development for adoptees is not the same as non-adopted persons

Adoptees have mixed feelings about adoption

Grieving is a healthy and normal process for an adoptee on the path to forgiveness and

acceptance which adoptive parents need to encourage and share

www.adoptionlearning partners.org - "Finding the Missing Pieces: Helping Adopted Children Cope

with Grief and Loss"

Attachment Parenting

Adoption and race impact attachment through lifespan of adoptee

Truth and openness must be the foundation of parenting-reality over fantasy

www.adoptionlearningpartners.org- "journey of Attachment"

Proactive style - not "wait for child to bring it up"

www.adoptionlearningpartners.org - "Let's Talk Adoption: A Lifetime of Family

Conversations" and" Lifebooks: Creating and Telling Your Child's Story"

A network of support for parents and child is critical (adoptive families, adoption professionals)

Ability to accept that "Love alone may not be enough"

Understand increased risk of mental health and academic challenges



Ability to accept that "adoptism" and "racism" exist and learn the skills to handle them

Understand others may perceive adoption negatively and the media often does

Understand others may not support transracial adoption

Accept that racism and racial stereotyping are an inevitable reality

Proactive preparation for child - cannot protect the child, must prepare the child

Ability to handle intrusions when you are a conspicuous family

Accept that comments/questions are inevitable and learn what they will be

Develop a selection of responses and teach child proactively to prepare

www.adoptionlearningpartners.org- online class "Conspicuous Families"

Ability to talk comfortably about birthparents without feeling threatened

Support adoptees who decide to search and/or have ongoing contact in open adoption

Ability to be Enthusiastic and Confident

Celebrate adoption as an equally valid way to build a family and share its joys

Ability to advocate for your child and for adoption

www.adoptionlearningpartners.org -"Becoming your Child's Best Advocate: Help for Adoptive

Parents")



o - 3 YEARS

Ad opt ed ch il d doesnot rea liz edi ffe rence between

self and non-adopted

children.

STRATEGIES FOR

PARENTS

1. collec t as muchc on cr et e i nf or matio nas poss ible (good-bye letters frombirth parents andpictures are

helpful) .

2. Devel op "Li feBook" for child,

i nc lu di ng t hes e

concrete bits ofinformation.

3. Begin talkingcomfortably withyour inf an t, family,

and friends abo utad option.

CONTINUUM OF DEVELOPMENT OF ADOPTED CHILDREN

3 - 6 YEARS

Ch ild asks a lot ofqu es ti on s; love s tohea r hi s/ her

adopti on sto ry; can

repeat it ve rbat im,bu t has litt le

un derstandi ng of

co nce pts.

STRATEGIES FOR

PARENTS

1. Encou ragequestions and answerhonestly. Dif ficultissues may beomitted until childis older (but never

cha ng ed ) .

2. Tell Ad opt io nSt ory as a favo rit e

be dtime story.

3. Use and add toLife Book.

4. Re a ssu re ch il dtha t he/she will not

los e.ad op ti vefa mil y.

6 - 12 YEARS

Chi ld understand scon cept of ad opt ion;be gin s gr iev in g

proc ess, may stop

asking qu estions aspart of denial;

realizes that he/shehad to lose

something to beadopted.

STRATEGIES FOR

PARENTS

1. Don't force childto discuss issues,but let him/her knowyou are open andcomfortable whenhe/she is ready.

2. Let child know itis underst ood thathe/ she can love bot h

sets of parents.He/she does not havet o c ho os e.

3. Ask if child hasquesti ons orfeel ing s he/she

would like todi scuss.

4. Let child knowyo u ar e not

thr eatened or an gr yabout que sti on sre garding birt h

family and/or pasthistory.

12 - 16 YEARS

Chi ld ent ers ange rstage of grieving ;may res is t authority

and tryon new

identities; may be

angry over the lossof control in

h is/ he r l if e.

STRATEGIES FOR

PARENTS

1. Allow child toe xe rc is e c on tr olwhenever possible.Provideo pp or tun it ie s f ord ec is io n m ak in g.

2. Child has a rightto his/her birthin formation. Hel p

child access andaccept information~

3. Try to keep from

responding tochild's anger withmore anger.

Un der stand that muchof this ange r isdir ec ted at birthparent.

4. Be fi rm in limitsetting. Establishpr es et c on se qu en ce s

for broken rules.

Allow child to

experience naturalconsequences ofbehavior.

5. Co nti nue to le tch ild kno w th at yo ulove him/her nomatter wh at .

16 - 19 YEARS

Young adult may

depressed and overeact to losses;

be anxious aboutgrowing up and

l eav in g h ome .

STRATEGIES FOR

PARENTS

1. let child knohe/she may remainhome aftergraduation if he/chooses.

2. Be alert for

s ad ne ss w he nr el at io ns hi ps w it

peers fail or dur

anniversaryreactions such abirthdays or

Mother's Day.

3. Continue to kadoption topic o

within the horne.

4. Providesupportiveo pp or tun it ie s f oin dependence andfreedom.



Talking to your Child about Birth family

Why?

They will wonder. ..so will youDon't wait for child to ask!

Others will ask...what happened to your REAL parents?Establish right to privacy

Establish it as a "safe"subject. ..open lines of communicationTakes resolution of own feelings toward birth parents

When? Repeat, Repeat, Repeat!

Developmental Timeline1-2 Pre-understanding phase for parents to "rehearse" and desensitize3-5 Notices physical differences, pregnant women6-9 Understands birth mother as a person....grieving

Wonders about siblingsInterested in how babies are born....birth fatherFriends ask questions, adoption teasingFantasylimaginary birth parents

10-4 Denial, anger toward birth parents/racial identity15-21 Dating, Medical History, Search

How? Planned "Rituals" and Spontaneous Moments

Adoption Story - A Personalized Creation for Your Child's Own StoryBegins with birth, told at birth

Goal: Never remember being told "I'm adopted"Explains reasons (socioeconomic, political, social mores)Never uses word "abandoned"Includes happy and sad mixed feelingsMay use birth parent's namesIncorporates routine, repetition, "user friendly"All details known by adolescence

BirthdaysMother's DayAirplane Day, Arrival Day, Gotcha DayClass Assignments (Baby photo, Genetics/Family Tree)

Physrca: and Personality Characteristics - Similarities and DifferencesMoviesnvAdoption Groups, Camps, Homeland ToursAdopted Friends



,(

; ,

www.tapestrybooks.com

800-765-2367

Book Suggestions for Talking about Birth Family:

How I Was Adopted by Joanna Cole

Twice Upon a Time: Born and Adopted by Elanora Patterson

Filling in the Blanks: A Guided Look at Growing up Adopted by Susan Gabel

Adoption is For Always by Linda Girard

This is Me! Memories to Gather and Keep

(special inserts for various countries or domestic)

International:

When You Were Born in KoreaJChina/Vietnam

Mommy FarlMommy Near (China) by Carole Peacock

Little Miss Spider by David Kirk

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