Title: Untitled Teen ThrillerAuthor: Unknown

Sub By: Format:ScreenplaySub To: Date Draft:

Publisher/ Year:Genre: Thriller Pages:106Sub-Genre:

Criteria:Location: Gatsby

Elements:

Analyst: Thomas Sorensen

Coverage Date:1/24/2013______________________________________________________________________________Log line: Five angst ridden teenagers drunkenly stumble into a nightmare including three dead bodies, a man rising from the dead, a case of money, kidnapping, betrayal, and sex. ______________________________________________________________________________Comment Log Line: . Relatively straight forward concept that needs a great deal of work and added depth to make it come to life.

Excellent Good Fair Poor

Script: Pass Idea X Writer: Pass Story line X

Characterization X Dialogue X

Synopsis:Opens on a rabbit sitting in a cold windy patch of woods and a woman Voiceover talks about

the rabbit, dreams, and a frozen corpse is revealed. TOM and ANNE DAVENPORT, mid 50s, drive lost on a windy road through the woods.

They have been arguing and Tom instructs Anne to remove here jewelry and hide it. When putting here jewelry in a compartment, a pistol is revealed and Tom puts it into his coat, and while being distracted by a turn off on the road they come up on a black Sedan sliding down the hill towards them, and the cars collide.

BABY HAMILTON, a 16 year old girl, and other teenagers are having a Christmas party. SARA HAMILTON, age 16, and MICHAEL BOWEN, age 18, are having sex in the back of a station wagon. Baby interrupts them and they find AUTUM, age 17, and MAX, age 16, high in the back of an El Camino parked near by. They all decide to go for a drive.

Sara, Michael, and Baby together in one car and, and Max and Autumn in other. They drive dangerously fast and pass alcohol between cars before they brake and swerve to avoid the crash site of the Sedan and the Davenports.

Sara recognizes the car and Tom and Anne as the parents of her friend JANE. Tom, Anne, and the man from the Sedan are dead. Baby looks at the man and says that she has not seen a dead body since her mom. Baby finds Tom’s gun and picks it up and puts it in her jacket. Autumn finds a metal case filled with one hundred dollar bills. The man from the sedan that they thought was dead grabs for the case and grabs autumn. Sara tried to get Autumn free from the man. Baby shoots the man with Tom Davenports gun that she found and picked up.

Michael convinces everyone that they cannot call the police and that the best option is to dump the body, so him and Max load the body into the car and drive away.

Cut to a flashback of Sara and Baby as little girls running around on a beach and MR. HAMILTON fly’s a kite and MRS.HAMILTON films with a hand held camera.

Cut back to Sara and Baby returning home and baby sits in the bathroom and talks about their dead mother and cuts to flashback of being held in her mother’s arms as a child.

Cut to Sara hugs Baby as Baby cries. Sara lies in bed and dreams that JANE knocks on her window and climbs in and converses unaware of her parents and as she begins to tell Jane about her parents Baby comes in and shoots and kills Jane. Sara wakes up to her father knocking on her door. On the way to church, Sara, Baby, there little brother JESSE, and Mr. Hamilton drive through the accident scene that now is filled with policeman and a DETECTIVE.

A flash back of Mrs. Hamilton reading to children in a church. Sara and Autumn go to Jane’s house to talk and nobody is around. Sara lets herself into the

house and flashback to Sara and Jane talking about running away together. OFFICER ROGER finds Sara at the house and talks with her, he has a crush on her. He takes

her home. Sara tells Baby that the Police are asking questions, and Baby gets upset and Sara drives away.

Sara visits an old hunting shack that her and Jane used to go to. Flashback to Sara convincing Autumn that they must hide the case of money and Autumn reluctantly agrees to hide it under a bride. Sara goes and digs out the case.

Autumn, Michael, Baby, Max, and Sara discuss what to do and come to no conclusions. Flashback to Michael and Max dumping the dead man’s body in a ravine.

Max and Baby are having issues functioning day to day with the secret. Officer Roger and DETECTIVE SLANEY ask Sara and Autumn if they know the

whereabouts of Jane and notice the dented fender of the car and put out a APB for Jane. Sara, Autumn, Michael go looking for the body but can’t find it. Flashback to Sara and Baby

as little kids on a swing. Return to Baby angrily not having money for cigarettes. She enters her car and CHAD, the

man she shot, sits in the back seat. Michael tries to talk to Sara about their relationship and she brushes him off. Flashback to Chad and FRANKIE, another man in the sedan, talk about running to Mexico

and Frankie says he loves Baby and we see that Frankie is holding a gun. They are heading for the turn off in the road when they collide with the Davenports.

Return to Chad is in a bathtub and Baby cleans his back. Chad tells Baby to get him his money and Baby asks about if they need to feed Jane and if she is ok.

Autumn sneaks into the Davenports house and is looking for Jane’s stash of weed and ends up trying on Jane’s cloths.

Michael enters the Davenports house and finds Autumn and they begin to make out after he tells her that Sara has dumped him.

Chad forces Baby to spoon with him. Michael and Autumn have sex. Flashback of Sara and Baby doing ecstasy with Frankie and it is obvious that Frankie and

Baby like each other. Baby goes to look for the money but cannot find it. Baby visits Autumn at work and tells her that the money isn’t under the bridge anymore.

Michael, Max, Autumn, and Baby worry about where the money is. Max sees Autumn flirt with Michael.

Sara sits in the hunting shack. Sara Tells Michael that she hid the money under Jane’s bed. Jesse and his friend JEROME throw a snowball at a car and it hits the driver in the face

causing the car to crash. Max steals two phone books.

Michael goes to jane’s house for the money. Flashback of Sara and Baby angry as kids. Baby tells Chad that she doesn’t know where the money is and Chad claims Jane is fine.

Police question Jesse and Jerome. Baby, seeing the police cars, doesn’t go home. Sara goes to Jane’s house and finds a cassette labeled Jane and plays it and it is a recording of Chad saying they have kidnapped Jane and that if they go to the police they will kill her.

Flashback Mr. and Mrs. Davenport find and listen to the tape. Baby drives away from the Davenports house. Sara sees Baby enter a motel and follows her

and sees Chad. Flashback of Jane looking for Frankie at a bar and being forced into a trunk and hit over the

head with an ice skate and Frankie freaking out saying she wasn’t supposed to get hurt and Chad tells Baby it is fine.

Sara tells Chad that if he wants the money they need to let Jane go. Sara meets with Baby and Chad at a river and they fight over the money. Baby jumps into the water with the money to avoid Chad and Chad falls in also. Police come and find the case with Two Phone books in it and Autumn comforts Sara. Max dumps a body into the woods and reveals a bag of cash in his trunk. A bunny rabbit hops by Michaels dead body in the woods.

Comments: Right off the bat there are countless formatting issues and this continues throughout the

entire screenplay. This is an interesting concept but not very high concept. It has a few entertaining sequences but overall doesn’t have what it takes to be a well-received movie. Its not thought provoking and I feel no different from the beginning to end. The plot moves at a moderate pace.

There is a solid hook of a mysterious car accident and we then jump to a very cliché high school party leading to the inciting incident of the main characters finding the accident and the unexpected confusing lock in of Baby Hamilton killing a man and everyone conspiring to keep it a secret. The story then continues to follow the stereotypical 2d characters as they make poor decisions and hide and steal money and cheat on each other. We then have a twist of the man being alive and Baby has been working with him to kidnap a character we never meet and therefore do not care about. It has a unbelievable ending of one character killing another over the money to pay for college.

The script is also filled with uninteresting flashbacks, and since we don’t care for the characters in the present we care less about the characters past. The characters are not very well drawn. They are very 2d stereotypes and cliché. We do not learn anything about anyone accept Baby and Sara and the things we learn about them are not very interesting. They make rash and very stupid decisions and turn on each other very easy. Since we learn nothing about them they are not very relatable to. The Dialogue is also very poorly written and is cheesy, cliché, and stilted at times. The characters do not learn anything and there is no real theme or coherent premise. I couldn’t care less about the father or Jane and the brother only serves as cheap comic relief.

The audience is suited to young teenagers and would most likely be a dime a dozen forgettable “Teen Thriller”.

Script: Pass Writer: Pass