Song of Sings

Song of Sings

Migdal Eden

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The wonderment is that I do not have to look for my beloved. My beloved is me and I am my beloved… (You). If I was a two year … trying to test the limits of our bond, in every way I would be constantly back to your arms once I got a certain distance away from you. If I was a beautiful Golden Dog…and (We) went out for a walk (through)…. And I started to leap and run about… That invisible leash that you’re holding… would bring me up short, very short.

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If… (I)…. was a runaway train (You) …would be the switch in the track… that… Governs my path

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If… (I)……ever contemplate forgetting (You), leaving you, existing without you (You) will know that not only have (I) forgotten (You) I have forgotten (I)… (Who?) forgotten… (All Existence)

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…. What Do You Need Darling?

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December 7th You entered into my soul like a card deftly dealt…the thin edge presented in our first talking… those overseas phone calls- Frankfort to me -Frankfort to me. Yes, first you were dealt to me as a calling card.

On the card’s face was written -passport to anywhere. In your words…in the spaces between them in our shared Israeli (ness) packaged instant knowledge of each other “cheap” at the price of a calling card

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The Card of Hessod…

In the hessod (loving kindness)

that seemed to be behind every thought that you uttered…I began to get a sense of you that gave me a great sense of urgency. On the morning that your plane was to land… I woke up

at 4 AM to prepare.

Starting at 4 AM…. I drank many cups of herbal teas heavily laced with port

to try and stave off the flu that seems incipient.

I practice yoga facing Jerusalem. You’re the orthodox and I am not?

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But I didn’t practice this yoga prayer naked… a tallit spread over my head accompanied by four

hand maidens holding out the four corners of the tallit. I would have made them check the fringe for wholeness, count the knots

before I had them anoint my body with scented oils.

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The Batsheva Card…

…During the time of the Kingdoms they would have had my handmaidens prepare me as Bathsheba was prepared for David, a deadly sin, turned somehow into a thing of clarity and meant to be……

6 AM is the flight still on time? 8 AM is the flight still in time? 9 AM is the flight still on time? The sense of urgency building…

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And when your flight landed…

…my heart stopped beating for a minute... And the next minute I’m out the door and into the red sports car… slipping the gears quickly,

riding the car like a running Arabian stallion, not knowing where to find you.

Driving fast, either straight to Hell or………… …..………………….straight to you

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The Card of Avodah…

…Waiting for a phone call…The phone call.

And when you called you made this phony complaint

“Why didn’t I meet you at the airport?”

You said that you cried when I wasn’t at the arrivals gate. And there I was, driving hard, but …still in control, once I got

directions…not from you.

I had to call the office and find George, who now will never be a famous Greek, but rather… a famous Greek Shedduch maker. George gave me directions and wished me Mazal tov.

I thank him…………….I drive on. You’re “waiting”

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(The Winning Card…) ……. Flashers on. I park the car and put myself into stop…take a minute to compose…my...self…every…thing…

my eyes...my smile…for you, after the last minute

snarl and hurl ……. of traffic. I call you down to the lobby and lean back a little in the seat of the chair. prepared to receive you.

And here you come… bursting through the door…and my heart is in Full Flush.

“Oh yes! “It’s singing all over the place for my Jewish Jack of Hearts.

You complete the deck…. All hands down…

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What Do You Need, My Darling?

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…You ask for anything in an even quieter voice than normal. So that the space that you’ve left… for an answer falls… right into place.

When you get quieter… You’re allowing someone to… see you. If they have sight…they see how your soul… shines in the quiet the man

the air…so quiet.

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Your Amaretto Marengo Mouth… …Your flight took off and you had not read the poems that I’ve written for you because you can’t find them Where am I?

Instead of being sorry. I’m thinking about your mouth which I’m drawn to

like an arrow to the target. Your mouth, that

I want to trace with my mouth, that I want to trace with my fingertip, that I want

to lick

with my tongue.

I sip amaretto and contemplate selling that mouth of yours

to any woman that says - she doesn’t see or understand sensuality.

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December 8th… Kismet …Right now you’re off … around the world on business. You’re trailing my love, my thoughts…

like the tail on a paper kite. You’re looking out the window…

of some strange hotel. I’m behind you… drilling a hole through your head- seeing through your eyes.

You’re non-stop on the phone calling all those… Pre-programmed numbers

I have my hand wrapped around your wrist… feeling your pulse-whispering other numbers into your ear. You’re there, I’m here. You’re

here, I’m there.

Turn around in your chair… and See me.

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December 9th…I Found You

I found you my beloved. The gazelle wandering the rocks of Ein Gedi I found you my beloved by… turning my eyes, my trust towards you as I knelt and drank.. If I forget thee there will be no more waters. The exile will begin again. But I feel you. and it cannot happen.

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December 11th…

What a Wonderful Way to Wake Up… to your voice, to your thoughts. It makes a quiet dance of a smile come up behind -in my eyes. It makes me smile like you do. I’m flirting with you…like a little bird that’ll sing if -you look at it.

And when you speak, I leave spaces to really hear what you say.

And I leave more spaces, to really think about what -you say. What a wonderful way to wake up!

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To: pardasim@catskill.net

Subject: RE: What a wonderful way to wake up………………

I wish you a Zlil Mandolina in Your heart,

you are a sweet and warm person,

please take care of yourself and I wish you big success in your

job today and close the deal that you wanted to do

it will makes you happy

…I’m veerry much under stress, and your emails warm

my heart and chirs me up…it is nice to know that someone

is missing you and loves you,

I’m sorry about it that I’m stressed, it disturb my inspiration,

I want to write more but at the moment I’m just so bussy

with my company and the bad economy in Germany,

I’m dreaming about being now next to you riding horses and

enjoying each other, eating the Mazo ball soup and hot Pasrami,

I’m in Bulgaria tomorrow, for the business meeting,

I’ll be back on Sunday Morning

Lots of hugs and I’m squeezing your body toward me

till you can’t brith

K

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December 11th…

Stressed …I know that you’re stressed. I know that you’re hurting. I felt it. I feel it. And I also know that you’re not showing it or revealing it to anyone except me.

So, listen. Today, my energy is pure… I’m functioning on some higher level of harmony. So, just stay still for a minute.

I’m holding you in my arms. Take in a deep breath, and take inthe healing energy that I’m sending you. Go on, do it. I have lots to spare for both of us. I’m holding you. Take another breath, and I’m sending an enormous burst of

love and comfort to you.

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December 17th…

Encircling You with Colors …Touch me in red and I’ll pour into

your open eyes with a burst of pure deep blue going straight

to your core and then wrapping round entangling with your thoughts, nerves and veins in pure energy of orange which will dance in dapples around

your mouth causing you to smile and then

glow with happiness as I smile back at youin yellow /

yellow, simple smile -all smile, the one that melts you and causes green, green

rooted love as indigo and violet your fingers and toes are encircled by my red answer, my red loyalty, the red depth of my love for you.

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December 23rd…Darling, a Word

Darling, a word, you must send me a word…

love… hug… kiss… need… miss… One word at least

is needed … per day for both our sakes

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December 30th…

How Much Do I Love You?

….How much do I love you? I love you down deep to the source of the roots

of secrets and of mysteries.

I love you to within the heat of all passion.

I love you to the edge of the precipice of not knowing and I love you into the flight, the leap into the faith of loving…you

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December 31st… Quietly Now I turn to you and reach my arms out I settle into your arms as you Encircle me, enfold me, hold me

to you… That’s all I need Quietly

now I turn my eyes,

my gaze

upon you, into you… You’ve said to me full of love… not to be upset that everything will be all right.

That’s all I need

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It’s Your Mouth and Your Words… that

crash through the senses, overwhelming me with a need to have my way with your mouth then your eyes…then your soul.

You use words to weave, to build nests. Then you point a finger at me and ask a question. And I look at you, a

senseless thing.

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Your eyes, I want to delight them, to release them… to get beyond… that considering pose.

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January 1st… White Flowers….

White flowers, heart of white, leaves of white,

root of white expansion into January the first day of the year and into

the white rooms of my heart.

White flower light, to touch petal of my light, to petal of your light, standing upright in the vase of my body, My spirit…a pure flame of white flowers

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January2nd…Aloneness, solitude, Peace…

Dear Heart, Shabbat Shalom… I am sitting in my chair, reflecting. I feel very alone in spite of all the support that I’m

getting. And this aloneness does not feel like precious solitude. It does not in any way feel wanted or desirable. It feels quite piercing of the soul, the odds that I have of breaking through the court’s complacency. The process promises to be as abusive as anything I’ve undergone until now… and still I press on…and on …and on…and I will not stop until someone that

needs to -hears me.

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the troubles that I have with the prayers about God, surrounding us with and putting over

us a Tent of Peace, are troubles that I’ve made up, have perpetuated on myself. When one feels as alone as I do right now, I hope that it is possible with an open

heart to come to a new understanding. what stops me from allowing peace to enter me… Nothing except myself.

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January 6th… Wherever you are…

Wherever you are… You are in my heart You are in my thoughts… You are my heart. You are my thoughts.

Wherever you are… You need

to know… You are in my thoughts

You are in my heart

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My beloved, Find Someplace to Rest and to Sleep

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January 14th… My beloved, Find Someplace to Rest and to Sleep

I will find you and give you water from my well as Rebecca did… recognized as the bride-to-be. I will find you

and like Ruth

go to you wherever you go… I will find you and like

Judith will take care of my own tent, of you, of us,

as she did her people.

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All Mail to You Has Been Returned As Undeliverable

…It seems that I really cannot reach you even though I seek for you. Yesterday, I had three letters to you returned as undeliverable… You are beyond my reach, whether it’s in Russia or behind some opaque curtain… so that the last poem that I wrote to you the Balance poem… the one about You’re Going Again, and spinning beyond my reach,

You’re going again, and spinning beyond my reach even though you badly need me to…catch you… to hold you …to stop your headlong descent into a bad, unbearable place…

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All messages have been bounced off of a hard opaque surface such as a blackened mirror and sent back at me, to me…

without even a cry for help

from you attached

and I ponder I consider… How

can I find you?

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Hey! Hey! Hey!

…You!

I’m just so overjoyed to hear from you! I thought that somebody had stuck you in the refrigerator in Siberia and that I wouldn’t hear from you until the ice melted. Where are you????? Quick tell me!!!! I’m just so hungryyyyyy to hugggggg you and kisssssss you and talkkkk to you and do it all over and over again!!!!!!! and again!!!!! and again!!!!! When

can I??????

WHEN CAN I??????????????

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Sweet, I’ve repeatedly asked for you to let me in on what you’re thinking,

what you’re feeling, what you’re doing.

Do you know that I haven’t the faintest idea? I just have an idea of stress that doesn’t seem to lessen.

You’re just going to have to

learn to share your burdens with me. It’s the only way that I’ll be able to help you. I am going to be quietly persistent

about getting to the truth when you’re here. I love you too much to let you get away with wanting to open up about things, needing to,

but not being able to. Last time you needed to so badly that when I left you, as I thought I was told to do by you …you felt abandoned.

Wasn’t that a great moment of miss- communication….

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I will love you deeper and more thoroughly as time goes on, but not more… You’re safe with me-

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I love you and! …So as not to have any buts involved sweetie I’ll put it this way…

I love you and why haven’t you addressed yourself to what I said to you in my last three e-mails which had nothing in them about skiing? I’ve answered you about my job three times already that I’m happy, so far, so good…but maybe you’re asking me about whether I’m happy in my job for another reason? and maybe it has to do with some of the questions that I’ve been asking you, which you haven’t answered, have acted like I never asked.

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We need to touch each other

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January 25th… We need to touch each other

I don’t stop thinking about you, but of course you are aware that we cannot go on like this for an extended period of time. You are so busy that even our e-mail contact is sporadic. I haven’t heard your voice in how long? …I do not wish to add to any burden that you’re carrying.

You know that. I’ m wanting to ease the load in business; to share it

(But) you’ve got to give me some direction and yourself a timeline

otherwise you’re just going to obliterate any kind of life for yourself,

as well as probably put yourself into an early grave. I don’t need any more of those kind of loses in my life sweetheart

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…So what is going on? What the Hell is going on??????????????? So, I’m happy that I’m listening to Joe Cocker …who is reminding me to have a Little Faith in you …I have a lot of faith in you… more than a lot… I want to know how I can love you that will really help you to get to where you want to get.

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Life is a short bridge, a very short

bridge… and I want to be on the bridge with you

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I told you and I’m telling you again…

…I’ve told you and I’m telling you again

that the next time that I get to hold you I will not leave you. I will not leave you… until I am satisfied that we have a plan to end your pain and to be together. You can count on that. You can count on that… You can count on my love,

and the strength of my love… when you can count on nothing else. Do you

hear me?

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Keep Up Heart my Darling…

I’m feeling so close…so close … your face, your spirit engraved on my heart…

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January 26th…From fields of snow and sleet

I send my extra soul to give you succor and comfort. While I cannot fly to you, my soul can and did and holds you and gives you hot kisses as she sobs over your grief

but only when your back is turned. When you’re looking, following with your eyes…

all you will get is a dazzling smile ………..and hot kisses

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I Surely Wish …As the cold beams of car headlights break through the sheets of ice coating windows

and clouds, I surely wish I knew in what direction, to turn my own soul to meet yours, in a warm and ecstatic embrace… at the

end of the day, beside a fireplace’s cheery blazing logs, with hugs and kisses exchanged, rolled up close to one another, skin to skin, eyes to eyes, mouth to mouth, heart to heart.

…And I surely wish that I knew in what direction,

to turn my own soul to meet yours, in that other place that you want to be held,

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From Within the Gates …

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So let’s say that I am loving you from within the gates of the Holy City.

Oh, I love you in other places too. I always love you in other places…

from within prisms and pyramids of light, and clouds of places that do not have a

rainy season, and mists of deserts; the crystal green of deep caverns.

But to go back to the gates, where I am an acrobat of love, a wire walker, walking, dancing on a

thin golden wire, stretched between the Old City and the new, wearing flowing white robes of lightness and joy as I myself am stretched like another golden wire muscles pulled taut circling reaching in the grace of the dance required to get across the wire, and into your arms.

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You Are Looking for Me in the Wrong Places

…You tired of looking for me in the garden. and then you went to the Valley of Kidron and looked for me there … and finding me not… you looked not overhead where I had made my way out of the Old City by the beautiful and dangerous method of walking, dancing on a thin gold wire.

You do not look up, and not wishing to unbalance myself by crying out and therefore falling before I can reach you…I stay mute I stand poised on tiptoe on the wire praying to have the strength that it will take to be re-joined with you. So, I do not cry out to you as you turn to go into the Judean Hills, So, I do not cry out as you look for me, where I am not.

January 27th…A Soul Dropped Off

…Last night I was the wirewalker, dancing on a thin gold wire, making my way out of the Old City, into the new world, where we can be together. I arose and flew into the air, catching

the winds in my hope, and in my need for you. So today…?

Why am I a soul dropped off?

I swung and swung so hard on that wire, I swung and swung so hard on that wire, that it turned into a trapeze that flung me into the air, with nothing to catch onto. You’re supposed to be the catcher. What are you catching as I’m falling? twisting in the wind, feathers and sparkles, and showers of diamonds…falling off of my wings, so they melt and fall away.

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January 28th…I’m sending you Moments of Love, to Remember …Our moments of love cannot be held onto like a ticket to a show next month, but are moments that are passing out of existence, as they come into existence, into moments, that can only be held in memory. Today on the road, on the way to the mountain,

I passed by twenty frozen waterfalls, that seemed like they had stood frozen, and would stand frozen…for a very long time.

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Having arrived to the mountain, covered and being covered by a silently falling, continuing snow,

and then trying to move, skiing –skiing knee deep in snow, getting caught up, and falling, and falling and falling again. … Every time I fall, I get up and make a new thought…

a new image…a new memory… of you.

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January 29th… I have constructed with a full heart and an eye to detail…this place where I’m living, with the idea…of making a home for you. When I placed the colored bowl from MOMA

under the light of the lamp,

I was absolutely delighted, when I saw the colors thrown in

reflected light, onto the chair, where I hope that you will sit, and have your head rubbed.

When I placed the white ceramic vase, on top of the blue and white speaker, I moved it, a half centimeter this way, a half centimeter that way until it felt and looked right to delight your eye. The collection of small chairs, The Chairs of the

Twentieth Century made by Vitra Museum …in exact scale and detail, arranged for you…to sit your thoughts quietly down …up on the mantel piece of the fireplace.

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On the terrazzo table in the dining room are arranged:

Frank Lloyd Wright stained glass, the purple bent wine bottle from Italy, a handmade tile with a gold leaf circle of pomegranates, and a framed photograph of my

son, who is smiling “our” smile. We can both make you feel happy with the same smile.

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I’ve sprayed the Harvest Spice scent over the head of the red bull that my son brought back from India. The bull is charging with lowered head, across the

round glass dining room table. The table is covered by a sheer cloth. The bull can move around

over the embroidered place mats,

as we sip wine and relax together.

I hope that my kisses, and all the small beautiful objects, that I have placed all around you in this house, will seduce you…and intoxicate you… with the pleasures…of home.

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Please Find Me….

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February 1st…Please Find Me….

Please find me and touch me. I’m weary from

throwing out love to you in planes that needs to break the sound barrier, in rockets

that needs to circle the globe and head out for a Mars Mission…and……………. still not being contacted, connected with, ………. hugged

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February 3rd… Your face and life are as precious to me as a new finding of scrolls and caves would be to anyone in our country.

Your face and life to me are an illuminated manuscript to be treated as the

most precious of Torah scrolls.

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February 4th… Remember to stop for a few minutes In every hour….to feel the love and support that I’m giving you. I’m holding you…I am a strong tower to lean on…

I am a City of Refuge for you… Clear your head of the mess every hour… and think of me, that I’m for you, I’m with you…

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You think that I want to hear that you’re sad? …no, but if that is how you feel I want to know… I want to share your burdens and take them away from you if I can. I understand your great

need for me.

You let your pleasure and your enjoyment of life slip away

and now you need to get it back…

I’m holding you…I’m holding you so that you can get your senses back… and get what you need from life …and me. Take a deep breath…and come into my arms. I will hold you tight all night. I will not let you go, not even for a minute.

I will hold you all night, and watch you with love… You need to be watched. You need to be held.

Sweetheart I hold you. I breathe with you.

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You are so dear to me…and any hurt or stress that you feel.

I feel it too, and I want to calm you.

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Rest, sweetie, rest.

Do you want me to sing to you? Shall I rock you as if you were small? Whatever

you want sweetie, I’ll do… Whatever you need, I’ll try to do for you or get for you.

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February 5th… Now, right now

is the time to take a deep breath…

Now, right now

it’s time to stop right where you are. Clear your head and lean it back against me. I am warm, and eager, and patient- to hold you, to get your attention, to take you into me -to fly you

off someplace where you can be held in my arms and you can smile and mean it- really smile

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I hear the weariness in your voice, I hear

the pain and the need, and I will do something about it.

I cannot bear to feel these things present in your being …and do nothing.

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February 7th…

Sweetheart, I am Your Light… I know that you need something shining through

to you right now.

Sweetheart, I am your light. I am your constant in this difficult time. My love stands guard to turn away- what is unnecessary for you to deal with.

I know that you cannot hear me, cannot talk to me right now… so

just look for the light. It’s there with you in

the darkness. It’ll get you through the night.

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February 21st…. Feeling that you’re very far away… I’m feeling that you’re very far away closed behind an opaque wall – your thoughts darkened and unreadable.

It feels that your heart is beating very slowly in an attempt to stay calm – behind the closed walls. So many people have so many paths and directions to choose from – and you seem to have none. I miss you very intensely. And I’m trying to find you…and I can’t.

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February 26th… You used to have a slight complaint that I shared too much about the intense tests that I’ve been going through,

that you could do nothing about. Now you should have a complaint that I’m sharing nothing

of the tests that I’m going through. …Somehow this love has turned into a story of me wondering and worrying about

where you are and how you’re doing and not getting any details.

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You’ve kept them all to yourself, when I would rather know … and work together from understanding, rather than going through this endless seeming support and forbearance without you opening up yourself… trusting me to stick with you in spite of, or because of

full disclosure.

I’m going through an intense period of stress myself and would like to be able to

share with you details,

But of course, I can’t even find you.

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March 1st…

How can I not listen to you? When my every sense is straining toward you… and my

only defense is to turn my head away from you for a moment… but only for a moment… because I must be entangled in you and hear what you say. I follow the movement of your words and face… like a deaf person… trying to read your lips.

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March 2nd…Preparing for you

…My sweet, I am beginning to be so tender, so fierce in my feelings and wishes to be with you.

Yes! Yes! I’m letting myself go, allowing myself to tremble. I’m trembling and feeling it in every pulseof my heart, that I want you in me; to never let you out, answering your own needs… to be encircled and held… and never let go.

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March 3rd…

…I want to hear your voice pouring over me like a waterfall

of kisses and kisses and more kisses. …I want you to talk to me and make me see

what you’re saying, make me feel what you’re

saying. …

I want you to open me completely, with your words and…….with your hands.

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March 4th… …I want you to make me tremble. I want you to make me shake. I want you to break me wide open. I am so ready for you to enter me.

I am so ready for you to use your tongue and drink me. I want to run myself all over you, as you try to make me listen to reason, while I’m pouring

molten over you with love and my passion,

…molten, and hot, and wet over you….

PS. I’m koshering the kitchen

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Your silence tells me many things:

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March 6th… Sweetie, your silence tells me many things: It tells me, that you need me to talk to you and to hold you… and not let you go… and…

you can’t reach out to me. I have to reach out to you… I’m doing that. I’m talking to you softly as I’m holding you

-close and hard.

I’m stroking you back. I’m not asking any questions. I’m there

for you…I’m with you. You can be quiet…and rest…and not think.. You can just be in my arms…

Just be in my arms…….and be quiet… ……………….sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssh

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March 7th…I feel a pain Sweetheart

I feel disappointed and I feel a pain in my heart, not so much because you aren’t here, but more because the flow of our conversations, our link with each other, our connection between our two hearts is so often cut off in mid-sentence, in mid-love for days on end…

During the course of a month, we’ve been out of communication for two weeks. Without even looking,

I could tell you the dates. For me, the communicator, the communicator from the heart…this is a serious thing.

For you too, it’s more than a serious thing.

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I am not able to make myself pour out my heart to you now … when I know that I will be met by silences that

echo and echo through my heart . And I berate myself because I cannot; because you specifically asked me…

beseeched me to keep sending out my love and support into

the silences. You’ve specifically told me that my love and support have kept you going. I am

so sorry my dear heart, because I should be able to carry on

sending out my love poems to you even in the cold and vastness of outer space… a homing signal to a lost ship…..

without flinching for any reason hour after hour,

day after day, month after month, keeping on going

no matter what,

no matter how long it takes to bring the ship home.

87

March 8th…My closest friends

are getting concerned, saying that you don’t seem to be able to be with me… but

even worse, that you don’t seem like you will ever

be able to be with me.

Is that true, sweetheart? Can you clear your head enough to understand that if

I don’t get any words of hope or direction about how we’re going to be together,

that it’s not going to be at all?

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I know that you love me… and I’ve poured, and

continue to pour love into you. We very much belong together. I know that. But it doesn’t mean that we’re going to be together.

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March 10th… I’m sending to you so strong, My sweet…………….

…Knowing that you need this so much I am so glad to send my embraces, my love, my strength to you.

You must stand still now and receive it for you have need of it and me

…and you know it…so open up my love to all of the places and spaces that need me.

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Turn…turn…turn…your life …with as strong a resolve as you would turn yourself

around to prepare for Yom Kippur.

Turn yourself however much you need to turn in order to live with me….

…You said to me, you begged me “not to forget you” “Please don’t forget me!” you would have screamed if you were the type, if you’d had the strength.

…Now, I say to you, “Do not

forget me!” Do not lose your company here (me) for the

sake of your company in Europe that is losing itself, by itself. Listen to me sweetheart…

Do not forget me.

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March 11th….

My head is aching so. I’ve had a bad cold for the last few days

…and this must be the end…but what an end… I’m reaching out to you like a sick child reaches out for its mother.

Maybe, you’re where you can’t reach me.

Maybe you are where you can’t hear. It doesn’t matter. I know that you would if you could. It’s such a simple thing really.

I hurt…I reach for you for comfort

………so simple

92

Kiss…encircle…feel…feel…feel I have missed you so.

I am kissing you so deeply. I am thrusting myself into your arms. Our thoughts, our minds…our bodies are kissing. I am naked before you while you are attempting to put on

your prayer shawl.

93

Soon

94

Soon Soon I must set off to the office. Soon I will be in your arms. Soon I will lock the door… and set off down the road. Soon our time will come. And I can be held too. Soon our breath, and breathing will come together,

and we will discuss, what soon means.

95

March 18th….

You are the focus of my healing… I’m taking a deep breath…and I’m holding it while I focus…Through my hands, and my heart- through the second soul, which

I’m sending you early to be with you this Shabbat-

I’m sending you healing energy. I feel it streaming out of my hands and my heart and

my thoughts. There is no more time for questions…or

even answers. There is only the healing and the love that I’m sending

you-…to carry you through. There is only the healing and the love that I’m sending you to guide you and light your

way wherever you’re going Take a deep deep breath, as I enfold you closely in an embrace of healing love, rock you softly for a moment and wish you Godspeed.

96

To: pardasim@catskill.net

Subject: RE: You are the focus of my healing

It is so happy to hear from you,

I’m now in Russia in St. Petersburg and I think of you a

lot and miss you,

I’m holding your words like an OGEN for being a man

with feeling that I’m holding you tight to hear your

heart and to reduce the pain in my body, by missing the

feeling of holding you in my arem

It is so nice to have you,

Miss you and just wany to be with you

you give me power and I feel it in all my body and soul

K

100

March 18th…What would you of me sweet? What would you of me? If I could I would lash us together with golden line as we stand firm in the storm. What would you of me sweet? Would you have me as a siren …? luring away your troubles, your enemies,

the robbers of sound sleep …to dash their brains away on the rocks?

What would you of me? Would you have me rock you in my arms, returning you to a more innocent, less troubled age?

What would you of me? or would you like me to sweep you with passion into bed, or onto

the floor, and make you forget everything, anything except my eager, hungry kisses.

101

What would you of me? or would you like me to find a buyer

for the company, and throw it out the window? We can try again later, with another company, another day. What would you of me?

And whatever it is, you know that you can have it,

If only you would ask. Please. I know that I said now is not the time for either questions or answers.

I said that only this morning…but sweet, you must feel that we are both sad…

and you must reason out why. What would you of me sweet?

102

March 21st…Sweetheart, the truth.. Even if it won’t bring happiness…… Sweet, Count the times that I’ve sent you my love, my

support, my strength, my heart, my being, without questioning you, without demanding answers. I’m sure that you notice that I haven’t said that

I don’t need answers…because I do. You know that I have tried on occasion to say that a whole new way of doing things is called for, that a set of priorities has to be

made and agreed upon. You’ve said that we would sit down and discuss and work out our

issues. It didn’t happen.

103

You’ve said that until Pesach, you would know whether you’re going to be in the States and be with me.

You also said- when I questioned you about whether I would see you in two weeks, or two

months…you said of course not two months! That’s right. It’s going to be three months

or more!

104

My friends have all said that this is too much.

That I’m free to forget you. Maybe I’ve got a lot of

callous, stupid friends, but I don’t think so. I myself think that you want

to be with me, but that

you probably can’t get out of your own way, or

the Company’s- that it’s actually running

you.

The three or four times

I’ve asked for clarity or release- you’ve held onto me with no clarity either. This tells me that you need me, but the end result is still the same. I am being tortured. Some of my friends have also said that you’re not

making me a priority.

105

A few have said that you’re being very foolish- letting me get to this state-not just snapping me up- when I was pretty much willing to do anything to be with you.

I shouldn’t have been willing to make so many concessions to someone who is so used to winning,

at least not without counting them very carefully or remembering.

This is particularly pertinent because I am also used to winning and being in the driver’s seat myself…

I’ve gotten increasingly frustrated. I think that I may have said “To Hell with Kobi Gendelman!” and cried a little bit at one point.

But sweetie, do you know? Don’t you know? deep down in your heart what will be? Don’t be afraid to tell me, if the answer is,

“It can’t be.” That would be all right.

I would still give youall the love and support that I have been giving you. No different. The only difference would be that I could go on

with things…get on with my life

106

March 24th… Sweetheart, the sunshine and a song

Sweetheart, the sunshine and a song - I send to you at the end of this spring day - folding it up in a lilac scented parchment airplane stamped on the outside with the shin for Shaddai - …so that you can hang it as a mezuzah on the entrance

to your heart when you get it, - I will continue to love you, to support you, in the face of any answer, and in the face of no answer.

As it stands now,

I will continue to love you, and shine upon you…

107

March 25th… More truth time it seems.

Now that I’m facing up to the fact that I can’t find you and that we’re probably not going to be together,

I’m going through an intense grief thing… It hurts so bad, everything, my heart, everywhere… and I don’t even want to be distracted… to delay feeling this.

I’m not going to try and mask it.

I am so nauseated and hurting and I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. Yes, I knew the depth that I allowed your soul to tangle with mine. How much pain am I going to allow myself to feel? This…this…is pain.

108

You’re Off Again…

You’re off again trailing jet fuel streams - behind you in the sky. You’re the comet that comes within my orbit who I want to come colliding

into my atmosphere but we’ve missed again…sliding past one another’s galaxies.

You’re the telegram sent frantically from that foreign jail asking for bail to be sent

in some strange currency no one’s ever heard of.

You’re my beloved who I chase after as Diana after

a hind. You’re everywhere - just out of reach as I spin like a dervish trying to catch hold of you.

And the pity is that you so badly need me to to catch hold of you

and stop you from your headlong fall down the flight of stairs.

109

March 30th…

I look up at the clouds overhead…leaning their heads in together, talk with me, in their changing shapes

… only six months ago- there was no lake, no boat, no clouds, no soft mirrors, no circle of completion. . I lay

in the boat, gently rocked.

I think of you, and love you with a full, round heart.

110

April 14th…Today, I read over again the reports of what happened with the Euro dollar, and the resulting effect on the exports of Germany. I also understood for the first time that Eurodollars are backed by gold, and that Germany made no attempt to correct the situation by

buying American dollars;

that January and February were perhaps the worst two months of all, culminating

in the day when the Euro dollar rose to 1.30?

and that these were probably some of the worse months of your life? Is this right? Kobi, please talk to me.

I need to talk to you.

111

I understand now that I probably

would have had much more patience and stamina

if I had understood this. I am willing to rethink my stance on us… Just talk to me please.

112

April 15th… Today Kobi chose to fight for me, or at least to reserve me… He says that he is glad that I

finally understood. Lucky for me I save the Luke Hodgkin’s newsletters and went over them in depth during Pessach. Kobi says that starting in December with the situation as described in Europe…he had to fire his people, take over all of their travel and he was in such a despondency… that he

didn’t know what to do. I without the information that I was able to put together over Pessach, became equally

as despondent.

113

I’ve lost my voice to laryngitis…and so has Kobi

…so that when he called today, both of us were in the same condition.

I said that he

didn’t know how much I love him …and he said in that considered deliberate K obi way…” enough to hurt him…”

and that he hoped when he will be in the States next month I’ll fall on him.

Feel Me…

Feel me…as I take a deep breath, and focus as my eyes…

flower for you…

120

Open Your Eyes

Feel my heart…

beating against your heart… two hearts as one…performing arias…melting ice…releasing blue and orange butterflies …in flying waterfalls.

Hold me tightly to you, my forehead pressed into yours.

121

April 17th

Have you nothing to say to me? …I have been pouring love into you. My life and spirit and ability,

has been growing in multiples of tens and hundreds each day. I’m glad to be alive and giving. BUT Life is so short… … I am here to help you… and to join with you… BUT

you turn your attention aside.

.

122

April 18th…To: pardasim@catskill.net

Subject: RE Sweet, sweet, have you nothing to say to me?

Dear Sweet,

I’m full of pains to see you suffer and me as well,

I’m sorry about it,

I miss you and this is the fact and nothing will change my mind,

You are so wonderful, and I’m so upset from the fact that I’m

disappointing you,

but I have never ment to harm you, I miss you and,

I miss you and I have such a warm feeling to you and from you,

I’m looking for a solution for my problems now,

don’t let anybody be involved with our relationship,

they have no connection to our feelings and what we have in mine

and your hearts,

Big hugs and don’t be upset with me,

K

123

I have cried for you… and am done crying for you. There

are other things to do…love to give to people- who recognize

what it is that I represent and am giving.

But you do know- what

you’re letting fly on… in hope and alone… but flying

What you have chosen…is to be alone. What you have chosen is to set me free… and after one

hummingbird dash and swoop

around your head

and heart…red breast flashing you, I’m off…

124

I’m off for a different climate, packed for the new season…

dressed in red. …What you have chosen is a mystery to me. …What you have chosen is to

continue to be alone in strange beds in unknown places, with no one to talk to in the dark except yourself.

…What you have chosen is certainly nothing

that I would have chosen…

125

May 5th

Kobi, my beloved… I am too tired and too upset already To be upset with you. You who I loved from the first moment that I laid eyes on you…and in truth even before… when I heard the compassion and lovingness coming from within you

…and now you’ve dragged me through the Hell of non-communication over thee quarters of the time

…and still I’ve continually yearned for you and not gotten angry enough to shout “Enough!”………..

126

Even though

you’ve avoided repeatedly my suggestions that you send for me… or I come to you…or that…

127

This Love

Longer than the time it would take to count the stars that is how much I love you.

Longer than the silences between all the people who cannot or will not love each other…

that is how long I will love you

(forever)

and forever is a very long time