sometimes it’s funny and

sometimes it’s not

“humor is subjective”

good and bad things can be funny good and bad things can be otherwise

what makes me laugh vs what makes me want to throw up what makes me laugh vs what makes me cry what makes me laugh vs what makes me just smile what makes me laugh vs what makes me think

something that made you want to squeeze your insides out of your body can make you laugh until you piss yourself months later life is just one big joke but not in a dismissive way, in a way that it is beautiful and hilarious. when you get hurt often, the only way to recover is to look real deep inside yourself and pull out the burned parts and re-craft them to be stronger and better and harder to set fire to. the only way to recover is to laugh so wildly that you are snorting and gasping for air and you forget about the bad shit. so that’s what this is about, i think.

sounds good

o.k

sounds good

than

ks

thanks

this time its funny

this time its not

the weight between you and another when you want to kiss themjumping into a pool and feeling your temperature change opening your eyes underwater, unpro-tected, the mystery laying on the hard surface of a floor, flat, feeling everything line up laying back into the hot water of the bath, the silent relief of warmth that only just feels like handsthe honesty in restlessness your hand on my waist, the silent re-lief of human connection

the weight between you and another when you want to kiss them

opening your eyes underwater, unpro-tected, the mystery

laying back into the hot water of the bath, the silent relief of warmth that only just feels like hands

your hand on my waist, the silent re-lief of human connection

“sometimes it’s just not meant to be honey lamb"

when i was very small i would fall asleep on the couch and my mother would carry me upstairs. i would always wake up but pretend i was sleeping because i liked the feeling of being carried. there is something beautiful about col-lapsing your entire weight into a per-son and being hoisted upstairs to a place of safety, a warm bed, a glimpse of a cool morning

sometimes i cry because i think about what it would be like to lose my moth-er. she is the place of safety, the warm bed, the glimpse of a cool morning i have lost a lot of warm beds

i never thought i was one to be handled - a kitchen plate held with one hand, frag-ile enough to break, steady enough to eat off of

this is what is best for me baby

one day i woke up next to your body in a white tee rolled over on your stomach. i wanted to move you over so i could see your face, so you could wake up and kiss me, so you could tell me about the dreams you had that night, but i just let you stay there. as i stared at a dormant man a part of me realized i would never get you to roll over the way i wanted you to. another part of me realized that i loved you. so there is the pain, there is the root. an overwhelming woman loving a dor-mant man. days later i stuffed the feeling of love down my throat as you repeated to me “i just need to focus on myself right now” in a thousand different tones and words and i couldn’t breathe correctly. and with every last breath i could force out of me you took away, tell-ing me to move on, then months later, telling me to come back. “if you love something you let it go” you said to me and i wanted so badly to slap your face with my palm. i thought, never have i loved something and wanted it gone. you said again, “if you love something you let it go, and if it’s meant to be it will come back.” so like a bird i was released, but you don’t hold the keys to the cage, and you didn’t love me

if you love something, fart it away

month by month day by day week by week every 12:20 am phone call - i hurt you and you hurt me too

appreciating sub-tleties is some-thing beautiful but can be upsetting when others set their focuses else-where - the longer you appreciate sub-tleties the larg-er they become and soon the placement of a finger is sim-ilar in weight to the stomping of a foot

loving you hurts me so i won’t do it anymore

loving you hurts me so i won’t do it anymore

loving you hurts me so i won’t do it anymore

goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye

stephanie.knipe@purchase.edu