Snow White And The SevenLittle Dudes

by

Daris Howard

Drama Sourcea

Publishing Inspiration company

Snow White And The Seven Little Dudes Copyright 2011 by Daris Howard

All Rights ReservedCAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVENLITTLE DUDES is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the UnitedStates of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of theCopyright Union. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing,public reading, radio broadcasting, television, and the rights of translation into foreign language arestrictly reserved.

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CastNote: This is Rocklandia, the land of rock and roll. Everyone, whereappropriate, can dress with sunglasses and other things to make them looklike musicians. They can mix their character dress with musician dress asdesired.Mirrory - Dressed up to look like the magic mirror. Could be any gender.Wardy - Dressed up to look like a wardrobe. Could be any gender.Chester - Dressed up to look like a chest of drawers. Could be any gender.Brunehilda (Queen) - Big, imposing woman, dressed like opera singer withhorned hat.King - Dressed to look like Elvis PresleyLord High Chamberlain (LHC) - middle aged man, wears cool clothes

Minister Of Music (MOM) - middle aged man wears cool clothesMessenger 1 - dressed like musician/messenger (could be male, or femaledressed as male)Messenger 2 - dressed like musician/messenger (could be male, or femaledressed as male)Messenger 3 - dressed like musician/messenger (could be male, or femaledressed as male)Snow White (Susan or Anne) - dressed as princess/female musicianAlvin - dressed originally like a guard and at end like one of the chipmunksSimon - dressed originally like a guard and at end like one of the chipmunksTheodore - dressed originally like a guard and at end like one of thechipmunksServant - dressed as servant/musician (female)Mr. Huntsman - dressed as hunter/musician. The queen’s agent as well.

Note on the dwarves For the characters of the 7 dwarves, they can take on any individualpersona in addition to their normal characters, as well as musicians. Eachone can be different. One could take on the persona of a cowboy, one anEnglishman, one French, etc. This will give them each some difference incharacter that can be played on by the individual actor. (Females could playsome of the parts dressed as men.)Doc (Cool Cat - C.C.)Grumpy (Ringo Jingo -R.J.)Happy (Less Clue - L.C.)Sleepy (Jewel Jammer - J.J.)Bashful (Boy Slim - Slim)Sneezy (Politi Bo - P.B.)Dopey (Will)

Here is a reference to the original dwarves, but their characters can bechanged as desired. This is only for reference.Doc -- Short beard -- Red tunic, brown hat, glassesGrumpy -- Long beard -- Red tunic, brown hat, scowlHappy -- Short beard -- Brown top, orange headpiece, smileSleepy -- Long beard -- Green top, blue hat, heavy eyelidsBashful -- Long beard --- Brown top, green hat, long eyelashesSneezy -- Short beard -- brown jacket, orange headpiece, red noseDopey -- Beardless -- Green tunic, purple hat, big ears

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Snow White And The Seven Little Dudes{The scene opens to the palace room. To one side of the stage is where the kingholds his council, the other side is the queen’s chamber with three magical piecesof furniture, Mirrory, (the magic mirror), Wardy (the wardrobe), and Chester (thechest of drawers).}

Mirrory: {In a eerie voice} In a far away country, in a far away land, lived a kingwho loved music and had his own rock {Slight pause} group.

Wardy: Oh, for cryin’ out loud, Mirrory. Can’t you even get a simple rhyme right? The word that rhymes with land is band. Band! Band!

Mirrory: {In a normal voice} Oh, and I suppose you are oh-so-smart?

Wardy: Well, at least I know how to make a rhyme.

Mirrory: And at least I always tell the truth!

Wardy: Truth?! Truth?! I suppose you are referring to the little episode about thedress the other day. Well, for your information, the queen’s looking fat had nothingto do with the dress.

Mirrory: So why didn’t you tell her that?

Wardy: That was not what she asked. She only asked me if the dress made herlook fat.

Mirrory: She looked like a walrus.

Wardy: Why didn’t you tell her that if you are so almighty truthful? All you saidwas she looked beautiful.

Mirrory: She did. For a walrus.

Wardy: Then you admit that you were afraid she’d have one of her three thugschop you up and use you for kindling.

Mirrory: I didn’t say any such thing. I just said...

Chester: Are you two quite through bickering? I thought we were telling a storyhere.

Mirrory: I was, at least until I was so rudely interrupted.

Wardy: Rude! I’ll tell you what is rude! Anyone that...

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Chester: I will continue the story. {To the audience} You see, here in the land ofRock and Roll, which we call Rocklandia, everyone who is anybody sings in a rockband. But the king had traveled to a far country named {Fill in the blank with yourhome state, province, etc.} to find a queen, and she was just a normal kind ofperson.

Wardy: And she didn’t sing in a rock band.

Mirrory: Not a single note.

Chester: So as much as the people loved her, she always felt a bit left out. Shealways prayed for a child, and even more, she prayed that her child would be able tosing and have other musical talents.

Wardy: And she did indeed have a child, a girl, whom she named {Pause} Susan.

Chester: Susan? Wait a minute. What kind of name is Susan for a princess? Ithought her name was Snow White.

Mirrory: What closet have you been locked in? Snow White is only her nickname.

Wardy: Well, excuse me for not knowing, Mr. All-Knowing, All-Seeing.

Chester: She got her nickname because...

Wardy: Let me guess. Because her skin is so white?

Chester: Yes, and you know why her skin is so white?

Wardy: Birth defect?

Chester: No, of course not. She is a princess. It is because she doesn’t eat herfruits and vegetables. Oh, a poisoned apple here and there, but basically she mostlyeats the sweet pastries the cook makes.

Mirrory: The same ones that make the new queen look like a walrus.

Chester: Yes.

Mirrory: Excuse me, but I think we are getting off the subject again.

Chester: You are quite right. Let’s see, where were we?

Mirrory: You were telling about when Susan, or shall we say, Snow White, wasborn.

Chester: Oh, yes. Well, you see, the queen’s health wasn’t all that good, and she

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soon passed on to that great concert hall in the sky. A sad day for all of us.

Wardy: But not as sad as the day the king married Brunehilda.

Mirrory: And the sad thing is that Brunehilda is from Opera Land.

Chester: Indeed. And now that she is in Rocklandia, she sings rock like, well,like..

Mirrory: Like a walrus.

Wardy: Forget the walrus!

Chester: Anyway, it is like...

Mirrory: Like nothing you’ve ever herd before that is what.

Wardy: But you keep telling her she has the most beautiful voice.

Mirrory: That is actually the truth. She does have a beautiful voice, for a walrus.

Wardy: Stop it with the walrus. She might hear you.

Mirrory: Anyway, rock and roll was not meant to be sung opera style.

Chester: But the real problem is that Snow White has a beautiful voice too, and thenew queen is jealous.

Mirrory: Yes, in fact she comes in every day to...

Wardy: Quiet! She is coming.

{The queen enters. She is dressed like the common picture of an opera singer withthe horn hat and all. She comes over and stands in front of Mirrory and speaks in aslow commanding voice.}

Brunehilda: Magic mirror on the wall, who has the most beautiful voice of all?

Mirrory: {In the eerie voice} In the world there is not to be seen another with avoice as lovely as our {slight pause} Brunehilda.

Brunehilda: {Shaking her head in disgust} All that money I paid for a magic mirrorand I had to get a defective one that can’t even get his rhymes right. How am Isupposed to sound diabolical if my mirror can’t even do a rhyme?

Mirrory: Your majesty, you know you did buy me at the second hand shop. Whydid you think I would be in a second hand shop? The magic dwarf that made mehad let his poetic license expire. He really messed up when he did that.

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Brunehilda: Yeah, and so did I when I bought you. {Shaking her fist at him} Iswear someday I’m going to...

Mirrory: Just remember, Your Majesty, that it would cost you seven years of badluck to break a mirror.

Brunehilda: It might be worth it!

{Brunehilda storms out.}

Wardy: Boy, that was close. I thought you were a goner.

Mirrory: That is not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that SnowWhite’s voice is getting more lovely each day, and this curse I have of having toalways tell the truth means I can’t lie when her voice becomes more beautiful thanthe queen’s.

Wardy: Then you will be telling your bad unrhymes from a landfill.

Chester: {Stage whisper} Quiet now, I hear someone coming.

{The king and his two advisors, Lord High Chamberlain and the Minister ofMusic, come in.}

King: Have the reports come in from the frontiers yet this morning?

LHC: They just arrived, Sire. They are just waiting your command to bid thementer.

King: Have the first one come in, then.

{LHC waves off stage and the Messenger 1 comes running in and kneels before theking.}

Messenger 1: The report from the Jazzlandia front, Sire.

King: Arise and speak.

Messenger 1: {Rising to face the king} Your Majesty, we were doing very well,making great progress. Our army was just reaching the high point of the choruswhen their army counter attacked.

King: Oh, my goodness! What happened?

Messenger 1: They...{Pause} I hate to say it, Sire; it was so dreadful.

LHC: Out with it, man. Withholding information is an offense punishable by three

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solid days of listening to opera.

{MOM hits LHC.}

LHC: What did you do that for?

MOM: You know the new law, and you know I had to hit you. The king does notwant to hear that swear word in this country anymore.

LHC: You mean the word Opera?

{MOM hit LHC again.}

LHC: Ow! {LHC turns to King} Your Majesty, I must protest. How are wesupposed to talk intelligently about our war with Operaland if we can’t use thatword?

King: I suppose you will have to just say “the O word” when you want to talk aboutOpera. Oh, now look what you did. You made me go and swear. I guess then apunishment must be inflicted. Go ahead.

{MOM hits LHC.}

LHC: Ow! How come when you say it, I am the one that gets hit, Your Majesty?

King: You don’t think it is right for someone to hit the king, do you?

LHC: Of course not.

King: But the law was broken, and when the law is broken, there must be apunishment, correct?

LHC: Well, yes, but...

King: Then don’t you think that the person closest to the king should bear thepunishment? And you are my most trusted advisor.

MOM: {Acting all righteous} I personally would consider it as a great honor tobear that for you my king.

LHC: {Smiling as if getting an idea} Your Majesty, it is, of course, an honor tobear it for you, but I hate to take all of the honor for myself. I would, therefore,gladly share with the Minister of Music. In fact, I feel you honor me plenty, andwould indeed let him have all of the honor of taking it for you.

MOM: {Flustered at this turn of events} I would have to object. I could not takeall of the honor for myself.

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LHC: {Sarcastically} I insist, my friend.

MOM: Oh, no, I couldn’t. You can keep it for...

King: That is enough. I’m sure we can have enough honor to go around. Everytime I inadvertently swear, you can switch off. I suppose we should try it. Opera.

{LHC hits MOM}

MOM: Ow!

King: Opera.

{MOM hits LHC}

LHC: Ow!

King: Opera.

{LHC hits MOM a little harder.}

MOM: Ow! Dang it! Ow!

King: Opera.

{MOM hits LHC a little harder.}

LHC: Confound it, that hurt!

King: I could really enjoy this.

Messenger 1: Your Majesty, I still have my report.

King: Oh, yes.

Messenger 1: As I was saying, we were just making progress, and then theJazzlandia army... {He pauses and cringes.}

King: Out with it, man, if you don’t want to have to listen to opera for three days.

{LHC hits MOM.}

MOM: Not so hard!

Messenger 1: We were just making progress, and then the Jazzlandia army..., well,they...they improvised, Sire.

King: Improvised! Why, of all the dastardly tricks!

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Messanger1: It caused great confusion in the section ranks. It was awful, YourHighness.

King: Fighting dirty, are they?

Messanger1: Not only that, Sire, but they switched off, with each person in thegroup doing his own improvisation. It went on for days.

King: But I didn’t hear anything about this yesterday.

Messenger 1: Maybe it just seemed to go on for days. It can do that, you know.

King: How did our army take it?

Messanger1: It wore them down, Sire. It was horrible. In fact, Jazzlandia had onemusician that was so bad, they finally took away his horn and gave him two sticksand put him on percussion.

LHC: Oh, my, no!

Messenger 1: And when he still couldn’t play, they took away one of the sticks andput him in front to conduct.

LHC: How demoralizing to our army that must have been!

Messanger1: Yes, but smart on Jazzlandia’s part. Anyways, what command shouldI take back?

King: I don’t know. Perhaps we could have our men learn to improvise.

MOM: Oh, Your Majesty. Do you know of what you speak? Rock musicimprovised? That’s like...that’s like...

LHC: Torture is the word.

King: Perhaps we could provide our army with ear plugs before they start.

LHC: I’m afraid improvising rock music would violate the Geneva Convention onhuman rights, Sire.

King: Then what do you suggest?

LHC: I hate to suggest it, but we might have no choice. Some of the modern rockgroups simply stick with only playing three chords over and over and over. It’salmost like improvising.

MOM: Or worse.

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LHC: Perhaps we could gain ground with that.

MOM: Or another option is to have them simply play so loud that no one can pickout a tune. Then no one will care what they play.

King: Don’t the modern groups do that as well?

LHC: Some of them. They can only play three chords, so they make up for it byplaying loud to cover it up.

King: Then that is what we will do. Messenger, return and report to your bandgenerals.

Messenger 1: Yes, Your Majesty.

{Messenger 1 exits.}

LHC: It is possible, Your Majesty, that under such harsh conditions, we may haveto cut the amount of time men can serve in the army.

King: That is a consideration for another day. Summon the next Messenger.

{LHC waves offstage, and Messenger 2 enters.}

Messenger 2: Your Majesty. I have the report from the frontier with Countryland.

King: Oh, yes. Who is the king over there now?

LHC: I hear the king of Country is Brooks, Sire. King Brooks of Countryland.

King: That doesn’t sound all that scary.

Messenger 2: No, but country music is always the same.

King: How’s that?

Messenger 2: You start listening to it, and the next thing you know your horse dies,you wife leaves you, your truck falls apart, and your dog bites no one but you.

King: That’s horrible.

Messenger 2: Yes, Sire.

King: Perhaps we could just provide earplugs for our men so they don’t have tolisten to it.

Messenger 2: Won’t help, Sire. Once they’ve heard it, they can never get it out oftheir heads.

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LHC: I’m afraid that is the case, Sire. Men on the front with Country come backwith Post Traumatic Music Disorder. The music haunts them the rest of their lives.

MOM: It has become a huge expense, Sire. Men will be just as normal as they canbe, and then they will break into singing something about a hound dog orsomething. No matter what we do, we can never cure them.

King: There has got to be a way to fight back and beat them at their own game.

LHC: What do suggest, Your Majesty?

King: Perhaps we could play “It’s A Small World” over and over to fight back.

LHC: Remember the Geneva Convention On Human Rights, Sire. That song isbanned in warfare.

King: You’re right. I forgot.

MOM: There is that little children’s song, Sire.

King: Which one is that?

MOM: {Singing} This is the song that never ends, cause it goes on and on, myfriends. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they’llcontinue singing it forever, just because, this is the song that never ends, ’cause itgoes on and on, my friends. Some people started singing it, not knowing what itwas, and now they’ll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song thatnever...

LHC: Stop! Stop! Do you want to drive us all mad?

King: Messenger, take that song back, and the Minister of Music with it.

MOM: Excuse me, Sire?

King: I was only kidding. {Pause} Kind of.

Messenger 2: But, Sire, what if it drives our army mad first?

King: Have them do it in short intervals in rotation so they can bear it.

Messenger 2: Yes, Sire.

King: You are excused.

Messenger 2: Yes, Sire.

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LHC: I hope that all works out well, Sire.

King: What could possibly go wrong?

LHC: Well, I am reminded of that news report of the scout master that tried to feedall of his scouts to the bears.

MOM: Oh, yes. I remember that.

King: I don’t. Refresh my memory.

LHC: The scouts sang 100 bottles of beer on the wall, and when they finished, theystarted over.

King: I can’t blame him for trying to feed them to the bears. Whatever happened tothe scoutmaster?

MOM: He was tried for attempted murder, but released by reason of insanity.

King: That was a good call, I would say. Well, lets get the next messenger.

{Messenger 2, bows, and goes out.}

LHC: Next is the messenger from Blues-Land, Sire.

King: Bring him in.

{Messenger 3 enters at LHC’s signal. He is bobbing his head up and down in ablues type rhythm, and continues during the whole delivery of his message, as wellas talking slow and cool like a blues musician.}

LHC: Here he is, Sire.

King: And how goes everything at the frontier with Blues-Land? I hope you havebetter news than the first two.

Messenger 3: I’m afraid not, my Cool Cat King.

King: Speak English, man. What is going on out there?

Messenger 3: Well, let me tell you, Big Daddy. When a person hears the blues fortoo long, he gets so everything in life is rhythm.

King: Are you sick?

Messenger 3: No, My Man. I’m cool.

King: I didn’t ask you about your temperature. I asked you if you were sick.

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LHC: Sire, I do believe ‘cool’ means he is doing all right.

Messenger3: I’m more than all right; I’m in the groove.

King: Is it contagious?

MOM: {Now bobbing his head} If we are lucky. {The king turns and looks at him,and he stops bobbing his head and gets serious.} I mean, no.

King: {To the messenger} Is everyone out there being affected like this?

Messenger3: Only the cool ones that are lucky enough.

King: {Bobbing his head} That’s it. We better get a rotation here. Contact thegeneral and make sure those out there are rotated to another area. And get this manout of here before I lose my head.

LHC: {Now bobbing his head - to the messenger} You are excused.

{After they leave the king shakes his head to stop bobbing, and the others followsuit.}

King: All right, who’s next?

LHC: That would be...

{Snow White enters and speaks, interrupting LHC.}

Snow: Father, could I have a word with you?

King: Snow, can’t it wait? We are really busy here listening to the reports from thefrontier.

Snow: But Father, I am sure that Brunehilda is trying to kill me.

King: Oh, Snow, that is wonderful. It is so nice to see her taking an interest in you. All these years she has seemed to want to ignore you.

Snow: Father, did you hear what I said? I said she is trying to kill me!

King: Yes, I heard. That is such an amazing turn around. To have her go from atotal disinterest in you to that in such a short time is absolutely thrilling.

Snow: But, Father, I am sure she is also trying to destroy my voice.

King: {Shocked} Snow, that is a horrible charge to bring against someone. Whatwould cause you to make such a charge?

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Snow: A few days ago she made me drink a whole bottle of lemon juice.

King: Perhaps she was just trying to improve your health.

Snow: But I was so puckered up I could hardly make a sound for two days.

King: But that doesn’t mean she was trying to destroy your voice.

Snow: The other day she said she had come to help me prepare for my concert. Shewanted me to practice breathing deeply, and then she had me breathe helium.

King: Helium?

Snow: Yes, helium. I was lucky it wore off before my concert because I soundedlike a chipmunk.

King: I quite like chipmunks.

LHC: {Whispering to MOM} At least she isn’t giving Snow singing lessons. Shecan be grateful for that.

King: {Turning to the men} I need your wisdom in this matter.

MOM: I can be of great help there. I know a lot about chipmunks.

King: I wasn’t talking about chipmunks.

MOM: Oh, what were we talking about, Sire?

King: Women. They confuse me.

LHC: Don’t look at me. They confuse me too. I’m not sure there is a man alivethat can’t say the same, Sire.

MOM: I must concur there, Sire.

King: {Turning back to Snow} We will look into this, Snow. And if you have moreconcerns, make sure you come to me.

Snow: Thank you, Father.

{Snow exits.}

King: {To his two advisors} What do you think of what Susan said?

LHC: I feel it could definitely be a valid concern, Your Majesty. The queen doesseem to be somewhat jealous of the princess.

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King: I will have to look into it later. Right now I have more pressing concerns. Iwant your opinion on the lyrics to my new song. As we go walking on a moonlit night,My love for you is always shining well.And I can promise you all of my love,Brighter than the stars in heaven overhead.What do you think?

MOM: It sounds like they were written by the magic mirror.

King: Are you inferring I don’t write my own lyrics? Why, I could have youbanished to Operaland for that offensive remark.

MOM: {Nervously} No, Your Majesty. I was just saying that they have thatmagical quality to them.

King: {Pleased} Do you really think so?

MOM: Oh, absolutely.

King: That is exciting. My album sales have really fallen off since the tax onanyone not purchasing one expired.

LHC: Perhaps we should reinstate it. It brought in a lot of revenue.

King: {Glaring at him} Are you saying people would rather pay the tax thanpurchase my CD?

LHC: {Nervously} Of course not. With lyrics like this I’m sure the tax would be awash as people would want to buy your music anyway. I mean, with the highquality of the CD, perhaps the CD would be a great means to generate revenue.

King: {Pleased} Yes, of course. It takes all the marketing a person can figure thesedays with that new group showing up that is so popular. Who would have thought agroup named after some kind of insect would be so popular? What are their names;the ants, or the grasshoppers, or something?

MOM: The Beatles, your Majesty.

King: Yes. That’s it. I’m thinking I should have a new name. Let’s take a breakwhile I consider things. I will call for you when I am ready to continue. I needsome time to continue to work on my new lyrics.

MOM: Yes, Your Majesty.

LHC: As you wish, Sire.

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MOM: {Whispering to LHC as they exit} I still think his lyrics sounds like thatmirror made them.

LHC: I agree, but I wouldn’t mention it again.

{As the two men start to exit, the king calls after them.}

King: Keep a stiff upper lip and don’t let the opera bugs bite.

LHC: Oh, great! Now whose turn is it to hit who?

King: Oh, my. Did I say opera? Oh, now look. You made me say it again. Well, Iguess it’s a turn for both of you.

{They both hit each other, MOM first and then LHC as they continue down stage. The king pauses and freezes.}

LHC: For crying out loud, you don’t need to pummel me every time the king saysthat word.

MOM: It’s not like you hit softly either.

LHC: Well, perhaps we can do a better job of hitting softer. Let’s try it. {Heswings hard and at the last minute stops, barely tapping MOM.} See? Like that. You try.

MOM: {Does it the same way} I don’t know. Somehow it feels good to take outmy frustration by really whacking you.

LHC: But my frustration is coming from getting whacked. You whack me hard,and I want to do the same to you.

MOM: But will it be convincing to the king?

LHC: We can practice to make it look that way. I just wished we could dosomething about everyone else.

MOM: What do you mean?

LHC: Look for yourself. Everyone whacking each other.

{Two people walk by in front of them, pantomiming as if they are talking. Suddenlyone whacks the other. They walk a little farther, continuing the talking pantomime,and the person whacks the other one back. Others join on the stage, walking,talking, and whacking each other randomly.}

MOM: I never noticed it all before.

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LHC: It’s getting way out of hand. A whack whack here, and a whack whackthere, here a whack, there a whack, everywhere a whack, whack.

MOM: {To the Old McDonald tune} Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O.

LHC: Would you stop that? I’m being serious.

{Everyone leaves, and the King unfreezes. He excitedly turns to the mirror. Noticethat he doesn’t phrase in rhyme as he doesn’t know rhyme.}

King: Oh magic mirror on the wall, I need your help.

Mirrory: Oh great king of all the land, whatever you wish is my {slight pause} job.

King: Will you please help me with lyrics for my new song?

Mirrory: Just hum your song to me, O King, and I will provide lyrics that you can{pause} use.

King: Okay, here goes.

{King hums a song, and Mirrory dances along or he can do the lyrics right with themusic.}

Mirrory: My love is good, my love is true, There is no one I love like her

King: That is wonderful. Thank you, Magic Mirror. Now, there is one other thingI need.

Mirrory: Oh, King, I am always happy to help you. There is nothing for you Iwould not {pause} help with.

King: {Totally oblivious to lack of rhyme} Well, you see, I have this problem. Susan thinks she is having problems with Brunehilda. I, myself, think it just mightbe some kind of female thing. So I want you to help me understand women.

Mirrory: {In his normal voice} But my King, there is no man or thing thatunderstand women.

King: But you are all wise and knowing.

Mirrory: Yes, that is true, but I am not a miracle worker.

King: Can’t you try?

Mirrory: I could try. But you would have to phrase it as a question.

King: Oh Magic Mirror on the wall, will you please help me understand women?

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Mirrory: {In his eery voice} There is no man in any land, who any type of womancan {pause} figure out.

King: I was afraid of that. I need something to give me strength. {He slips over toWardy and grabs the wine bottle.} Just one little sip from Brunehilda’s secretstash.. {He then tips it up and gulps a few. He then turns it over.} Whoa, I didn’tmean to drink it all. She’s going to know somebody’s been taking some. {He looksto the side stage.} I think someone is coming, so I must go. I don’t want anyone toknow we are collaborating or that I’m drinking Brunehilda’s wine, do you allunderstand?

{All three nod and say “Yes, Sire” as the King exits.}

Wardy: What kind of lyrics are those you gave the king? They don’t even rhyme.

Mirrory: Hey! He asked me, and I did the best I could.

Chester: And is that true about women?

Mirrory: In my vast knowledge, with my magic making it so I can look back overthousands of years, I have found nothing that would indicate men are any closer tounderstanding women than they ever have been.

Wardy: Quiet! Someone is coming.

{Brunehilda enters. She looks around to make sure no one is there, thenapproaches the magic mirror.}

Brunehilda: I must check one more time before I perform tonight. {Clears herthroat} Magic mirror on the wall, who has the most beautiful voice of all?

Mirrory: When it comes to singing, your voice is right, but one sings even betterand her name is {slight pause} Susan.

Brunehilda: {Let’s out a scream} Why, you lousy little mirror! You can’t even geta rhyme right, and now you tell me this? I will have my guards chop you intopieces! {She calls offstage to one of her henchmen.} Captain Alvin, bring your menand come!

Mirrory: {Sarcastically} Right! Kill the messenger! That will do a lot of good.

Brunehilda: I will have you burnt at the stake. I will have your ashes sprinkledwhere even the birds won’t find them.

{Alvin, Simon, and Theodore come running in and bow.}

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Alvin: Yes, Your Majesty?

Brunehilda: I want you to...

Mirrory: You may want to reconsider, Your Majesty. Remember that breaking amirror will bring you seven years of bad luck.

Brunehilda: That’s why I will have my men do it.

Mirrory: Still counts.

Brunehilda: You.. Why.. I ought to...

Mirrory: It seems to me that you are forgetting that the real problem is SnowWhite.

Brunehilda: {Calming down slightly} You are right. What should I do?

Mirrory: I’m sorry, your Majesty, but we mirrors are not made with the ability toconsider diabolical plans.

Brunehilda: Then I will have to think of one of my own.

Simon: {Thumping his fist into his palm} We could take care of her for you, YourHighness.

Brunehilda: No, that would be too obvious. But I think I know the perfect thing. You three go out so no one is suspicious.

Alvin, Simon, and Theodore: Yes, Your Majesty.

{They bow and leave, she rings a bell, and a servant appears and bows.}

Servant: Yes, My Queen.

Brunehilda: Call my agent, Mr. Huntsman. Immediately!

Servant: Yes, My Queen.

{The servant exits, and Brunehilda opens the cupboard on Wardy and pulls outsome bottles of liquid. She mixes them together. She speaks with great triumph.}

Brunehilda: It’s perfect!

Wardy: Excuse me for asking, My Queen, but what is it?

Brunehilda: It is the perfect mix. It simply tastes like water, but once Snow Whitedrinks it she will never want to sing again even if she can, because it reverses the

18

voice from voice from good to bad or bad to good, but it only works once, and thenit is undoable.

Wardy: I don’t understand.

Brunehilda: Let me illuminate you. {Grabbing Wardy by the throat and doingother similar things, and sounding dark and evil.} First it will grab her voice, andmake her so she can’t speak. And then, if it ever releases her voice, it will make hersound like a chipmunk. {She laughs like a villain.} And do you think anyone willwant to listen to someone that sings like a chipmunk?

{She laughs again as Mirrory, Wardy, and Chester look concerned.}

Chester: How do you plan to get her to drink it?

Brunehilda: That is the easy part.

{She takes a canteen and pours the mixture in it. She has no sooner done so thanHuntsman enters.}

Huntsman: You called for me, My Queen?

Brunehilda: Yes, I have a little job for you. I want you to take Snow White on along hike. Don’t let her take any water. When she gets thirsty, give her this.

{Brunehilda holds out the canteen. Huntsman takes it and starts to smell it.}

Huntsman: What is it?

Brunehilda: {Jerking it back away} Don’t taste it, unless you want to destroy yourvoice. {She laughs diabolically} But make sure Snow White does drink it.

Huntsman: But Your Majesty, I can’t...

Brunehilda: I could revoke your agent’s license and see to it that you never bookanother group again.

Huntsman: You wouldn’t!

Brunehilda: Oh, yes, I would. I could also make sure your own band never hasanother gig! Ever!

Huntsman: No one could be so inhumane!

Brunehilda: I would. {Handing him the mixture} Now, do as I say! And when youreturn, this better be empty!

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Huntsman: {Dejected} Yes, Your Majesty.

{Huntsman exits as Brunehilda sings a diabolical laugh in as horrible for a laughas possible. (Maybe like Gerdy from Oklahoma.)}

End of Scene

Blackout

Act I, Scene 2{Huntsman comes in walking in front of the stage, with Snow White dragging inbehind.}

Snow: Can’t we stop? It seems like we have been going forever.

Huntsman: The queen said the fresh air and hiking will be good for your health.

Snow: Whenever I hear that, I become concerned. I don’t truly think she cares atall about my health.

Huntsman: Are you thirsty?

Snow: Yes, actually. I am just about to die of thirst.

{He holds out the canteen. She undoes the lid and is about to take a drink whenHuntsman yells.}

Huntsman: Stop!

Snow: What?

Huntsman: {Falling on his knees before her.} I’m sorry, Your Highness. Thequeen sent this for you to drink. She said once you drank it you would never beable to sing normally again.

Snow: But how could you?

Huntsman: Please forgive me, Your Highness. The Queen said if I didn’t shewould take away my agent’s license, and make sure my band and I would neverhave a gig ever again.

Snow: Oh, how horrible!

Huntsman: She is mad, Your Highness. Mad and crazy! And she wants to destroyyour voice.

20

Snow: What do I do?

Huntsman: Run away, Your Highness. Run away and never come back!

Snow: But I have a gig at GiGi’s tonight.

Huntsman: But if the queen catches you, it will probably be your last.

Snow: You are right. Perhaps I should run away to jazzland or something.

Huntsman: I am sorry it has come to this, your Highness.

Snow: Thank you for your kindness, and for not letting me drink that stuff.

Huntsman: Take care of yourself, and may the wind always be at your back.

Snow: What does that mean?

Huntsman: I don’t know. I heard it in a song once.

{Huntsman exits off the side of the stage they cam from, and Snow off the other. The seven dwarfs come on with all of their instruments.}

Doc: I tell you, that was just about as sorry a practice as we have ever had.

Grumpy: I didn’t think it was half bad.

Bashful: Yeah, but it’s the other half I’m worried about.

Grumpy: Well, it must be the lyrics. I go. I go. It’s home from work I go. Whatidiot wrote those lyrics?

Happy: You did.

Grumpy: Are you trying to pick a fight, Buddy?

Doc: Look. More than the lyrics, I think we need someone else on vocals.

Sleepy: Well, we could try the troll that lives over at that river crossing.

Doc: No. What we need is a female.

Bashful: What is a female?

Doc: A girl.

Grumpy: What in blazes name is a girl?

Doc: If you don’t know the answer to that, I think we have probably been living out

21

here in the woods too long.

Grumpy: Well, I don’t, Mr. Know-It-All. So why don’t you illuminate us?

Doc: A girl is a... well, a girl is a...

{They all look at him expectantly, and Grumpy jumps in and mimics him in amocking voice.}

Grumpy: A girl is a... a girl is a..., a girl is a what?

Doc: I know. Do you remember Mom? She was a girl.

Sleepy: She has been gone a long time.

Happy: Yeah, she has been gone so long, I’ve plumb forgotten what she was like.

Doc: The point is, she was a she, while we are all he’s.

Grumpy: {Sarcastically} Oh, yeah, it’s all clear now. For cryin out loud, how arewe supposed to recognize one if we see one?

Doc: Well, she’ll kind of look like us, except {using hand motions} she’ll havemore curves.

{Grumpy points at Doc and does a ‘he’s crazy’ sign.}

Bashful: I done seen an old tree on the wind blown slopes of the mountain that hadcurves like that.

Doc: {Frustrated} We’re not talking about a tree! We are talking about a girl.

Grumpy: And just where are we supposed to find one of these here girls?

Doc: I don’t know.

Sleepy: Maybe they sell ‘em on Ebay. I heard you can pretty much get everythingon there.

Happy: Maybe we could Google girls. It would help us figure them out.

Doc: I’m sure they don’t sell them on Ebay. And I know what a girl is, and believeme, I don’t even think Google could figure them out.

Sleepy: Then how do we get her to sing for us?

Sneezy: And where do we find one in the first place?

22

Doc: We won’t. That’s the problem. There’s not one within 50 miles of here.

{Snow has been coming in as Doc says the last lines and walks right up behindhim.}

Snow: Hello.

Doc: {Screams} Ahhh!

Grumpy: And just what kind of creature are you? Sneakin’ up on us like that. You here to try to steal our beautiful music and our clever lyrics?

Sleepy: If you are, it won’t do you no good. Grumpy writes the lyrics so they ain’tclever.

Happy: Heck, they aren’t hardly lyrics.

Grumpy: {Turning to Sleepy and Happy} Do you two have a death wish? {Turning back to Snow} Anyway, we don’t take to no strange creatures sneaking upon our practice like...

Doc: Hold on, y’all. This here is a girl.

Grumpy: This creature is what you were talking about that we need?

Doc: Yip.

Grumpy: But we don’t even know if it can sing.

Doc: We don’t know if she can sing.

Grumpy: I just said that. And how do we know she’s not a spy?

Bashful: I think she’s purty.

Grumpy: There you go, letting your heart run away with you. Well, I think...

{They all ignore him and rush to Snow.}

Doc: How would you like to join our singing group?

{All the others, except Grumpy, join in, adding similar comments and trying to getto the front to talk to Snow.}

Grumpy: Is anyone listening to anything I said? {Yelling} We don’t even know ifshe can sing!

{The others quiet down a bit.}

23

Doc: {To Snow} Can you sing?

Snow: Yes. In fact, that is why I am here.

Doc: Good. Then you got the job.

Grumpy: Wait a minute. Wait a doggone minute. What does she mean that is whyshe is here? Who told her we needed a girl for a vocalist? I don’t rememberposting anything on Craigslist or anything like that.

Snow: No one told me.

Grumpy: Then just what do you mean, that is why you are here?

Snow: It is because I can sing that I had to run away. The queen is jealous of myvoice, and wants to make me take something to destroy it.

Doc: You know the queen personally?

Snow: She is my step mother.

Doc: Your step mother. That would make you the...

Snow: Princess. Yes.

Bashful: What’s a step mother?

Grumpy: It is someone who sings one step off.

Bashful: Oh!

Doc: Don’t believe him. It ain’t is no such thing. It is someone that steps into yourlife, or something like that.

Snow: I’d be happy to sing for your group if you would protect me from the queen.

Grumpy: Nice try. We know your type. Trying to finagle your way in here tosteal our music. Well, it won’t work. Will it, men?

{He turns to look at the others and they are all nodding.}

Bashful: Works with me.

{Others ad-lib “me too”.}

Snow: I’ve got some songs of my own. Maybe you would like to sing them instead,and you wouldn’t have to worry about me stealing any of your music.

24

Grumpy: Oh, I get it. You want to get a free vocal backup group. Well, it isn’tgoing to work, is it, men? {He turns to look at the others, and they are all noddingagain.} Oh, you men are hopeless.

Doc: Let me introduce us. We are the seven dwarves. Our names are...

Snow: Oh, no. Let me guess. {Pointing as she goes.} You are Doc, Bashful,Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, and Dopey.

Grumpy: Grumpy, Doc, Sleepy, blah, blah, blah. What a bunch of dumb names. Where did you get such dumb names?

Snow: {Slightly embarrassed} Well, I... I don’t know. I think I saw them at anamusement park or something.

Grumpy: You need to change where you spend your free time.

Doc: I’m Cool Cat. {Pointing} This is Ringo Jingo {Grumpy nods}, Less Clue{Happy nods} Jewel Jammer {Sleepy nods}, Boy Slim {Bashful nods}, Polita Bo{Sneezy nods}, and Will {Dopey nods}

Snow: Will?

Sleepy: Yeah. It’s short for William. He’s actually adopted. Found himwandering around in the woods. Mom named him that cause he can’t talk, let alonesing, but she hoped someday he will.

{Dopey nods vigorously through the rest of this.}

Bashful: Yeah, and he’s tone deaf too.

Snow: That’s sad.

Happy: Oh, not really. We just have him play the saxophone, so it doesn’t reallymatter. If there’s no saxophone piece, we just have him conduct. I think mostpeople that do that don’t know music at all.

Snow: The rest of your names are, uh,... different.

Grumpy: You saying our names are strange?

Snow: No, no. Just unique.

Doc: And what do they call you?

Snow: Most people call me Snow White.

25

Grumpy: And you think our names are dumb. Humph.

Happy: Most of us just go by our initials. We have {Pointing at them} C.C., R.J.,L.C., J.J. and P.B. Boy Slim just goes by Slim since it wouldn’t abbreviate well.

{Slight pause as they make faces for the audience to think that one through.}

Sleepy: You, know, it’s funny. Everyone used to call me sleepy when I wasyounger.

Grumpy: Wait a minute. Doc, Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, andDopey. Those were our nicknames when we were younger. But no one has usedthem for years. {To Snow White} How did you know those? Some amusementpark, my foot. Do you think we are some kind of Micky Mouse group? No! No! You’re magical or a spy! I don’t like it! I don’t like it at all!

Snow: I’m not magical and I’m not a spy. It was just a lucky guess.

{Grumpy motions all of the men to come together in a huddle away from SnowWhite and he whispers.}

Grumpy: I don’t like the looks of this. Someone comes in here and knows ournicknames that we haven’t used in years. {He glances over at her and whips out amagnifying glass.} Besides, her nose is too small, she’s got beady eyes, and they’retoo close together.

Happy: {Turning the magnifying glass around} You’re looking through thatbackwards.

Grumpy: I tell you, I’m suspicious

Doc: You’re always suspicious.

Snow: {Trying to relieve tension} Hey, look. My real name is Susan, but peoplecall me Snow White because of my light colored skin. So how did you get yournames?

Sleepy: Our nicknames are kind of because of how we act.

To read more, please order the script.

Books by Daris HowardLife’s Outtakes books

Each book contains 52 humorous and inspirational short stories.

When The World Goes CrazyLife’s Outtakes Year 1

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All’s Well HereLife’s Outtakes Year 2

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When Life Is More Than We DreamedLife’s Outtakes Year 3

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Nothing But A MiracleLife’s Outtakes Year 4

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Singing To The End Of LifeLife’s Outtakes Year 5

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It's Ninety Percent MentalLife’s Outtakes Year 6

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Super Cowboy Rideshttp://amzn.com/1937178021 Meet six-year-old Tommy Johnson,Super Cowboy and Super Story-teller.When Tommy explains why a boyneeds a dog for a pet instead of a cat,he wins everyone over with his down-to-earth and humorous view of theworld. But once Tommy starts school,things get complicated. He gets put inthe lowest reading group and told tostay in the back of the classroom. He ispicked on by teachers and mocked by

classmates. When tragedy strikes, Tommy must carry a burdenbeyond what any first-grader should have to face. In the processof dealing with his grief, Tommy learns the meaning of truefriendship.

Essence Of The Heart, The Royal Tutor

http://amzn.com/1479392189Mystery, Intrigue, And Clean Romance!

When he is called before the queen, Jacob, thehandsome, young Captain of the Royal Guard,is sure it is to discuss the baffling increase inassassination attempts against the royal family.Instead, the queen assigns the shocked youngcaptain to tutor her out-of-control, tomboydaughter, Marie. He knows all of the other tutors have failedmiserably, and he tries to beg out of it, but thequeen will not relent. However, she does givehim leave to use any teaching method he likes.

Her ultimate command is that she be trained as a lady in preparation for herroyal ball. Angry and humiliated at what he feels is a degrading and impossibleassignment, especially for a military captain, he determines to train theprincess like he would one of his guardsmen. He will demand strongdiscipline, tough academics, and sword combat training. He is sure that hisrigorous approach will push the princess to complain to her mother, who willthen remove him from the assignment. But to his surprise, Marie instead responds positively to the harshdiscipline, and becomes a princess like no other. And, when they come under attack, her training might be just enough tosave both of their lives as they work to unravel who is behind theassassination attempts, and also try to solve the mystery of why the Lord

The Three Giftshttp://amzn.com/1449961436

A beautiful Christmas story about threeyoung men who are convicted of mugginglittle children for their Halloween candy.Instead of sentencing them to jail, as isexpected, the judge sentences them to 100hours of community service babysitting atthe Women's Crisis Center.They were prepared for jail, but they werenot prepared for what was in store for themas the children opened their eyes and heartsand changed their lives.

The Mail-Order Bride - (Coming Soon)

It was to be the big day for Eli. His fiancée,Molly, was coming in on a ship. Two yearsearlier, unable to find work in England, he hadheaded for America. His ship was caught in astorm, and he ended up, not in Pennsylvania ashe planned, but in Newfoundland. But that was all behind him now. He hadwritten to Molly every day for the two years,and now she was coming so they could bemarried. But Eli was in for a surprise. Unknown tohim, Molly had married. She had bought him amail-order bride, and Eli's life was going to

Play Scripts For printed scripts or to read a portion of the scripts online, go to:

http://www.dramasource.com/catalogauthor.php?id=dhoward Many of these are also available on the kindle.

April Fools(Drama/Comedy)

Three roommates decide to play an April Foolsjoke on their roommate by setting her up with anonexistent guy. But when a guy arrives who hasbeen beaten and mugged and can't remember whohe is she thinks he is the guy.

The Mail-Order Bride(Drama/Comedy)

A touching, but humorous story of a young manwho works to bring his fiance to Newfoundland.Unknown to him she has married and sends a mail-order bride in her place. One of our most popularplays.

Cultural Differences(Drama/Comedy)

This is a fun sequel to The Mail-Order Bridewhere Anya's father sold her. Now he comes to visitand finds himself in a culture where women thinkfor themselves. A lot of humor dealing with thedifferences in two people's cultures.

Hypnotic Suggestions(Melodrama)

Charlie, the old janitor, has accidentally createda potion that will hypnotize people. Stu, the hero,must stop the villain before he can hypnotize theheroine and get her to marry him and steal herfather’s fortune.

The Three Gifts (Drama/Comedy)

A beautiful Christmas story about three young menwho are convicted of mugging little children for theirHalloween candy. Instead of sentencing them to jail, as isexpected, the judge sentences them to 100 hours ofcommunity service babysitting at the Women's Crisis Center.They were prepared for jail, but they were not preparedfor what was in store for them as the children openedtheir eyes and hearts and changed their lives.

Love, Sick, And Montezuma’s Gold(Melodrama Play Script)

The evil Bartholomew Blackburn and his sisterPriscilla have tricked Mr. Giving into mortgagingthe deed to his ranch for an old cave that issupposed to be full of gold. This is one of thefunnest and most popular melodramas ever.

Lilacs In The Valley(Drama/Musical)

Take your audience through a true, humorous,but touching story of a young man named AlmaHale. Alma is part of a wagon company headingwest. He has a close knit family and Alma himselfis a bit of a prankster. This is humorous but verytouching musical.

Essence Of the Heart - The Royal Tutor

(Drama Play Script)Clean romance, sword fighting, and intrigue.

The Captain of the Guard is assigned by the queento tutor her daughter. He does so using a militaryregimen, creating a princess like no other.

The Will(Drama Play Script)

The Jensens and the Flanovans had been feudingfamilies for as long as anyone could remember. TheJensens are rich and the Flanovans are poor. JannaJensen awaits the day her father dies and leaves herall. But there's a surprise.

Truth And Consequences(Melodrama Play Script)

A fun melodrama with a will, political debate,and a truth potion. Quickly becoming one of ourmost ordered melodramas.

Coming Home(Play or Musical play script)

Shauna, Susan, and Sally Smith, and Susan'sfiance, Tom, find themselves in a small town forMemorial Day weekend when their car breaksdown. It isn't just any town and fun things begin tohappen.

And more.