F*** the smartwatch!

Here’s Smart iPants

10 reasons why a waist band is better than a wrist band

Who wants a watch anyway?

Ok - guess you do if you want to advertise your wealth, and you always want to be looking at your armI was pleased to get rid of mine when you could tell the time from a whole host of other sourcesBut if you really want wearable technology, here’s why you should consider Smart iPants

What are Smart iPants?

A modular belt filled with technology and attached to your underpantsUnderpants would be designed (Marks and Spencer - your big chance enter the digital age) to allow the belt to sit just inside the waistbandCan be customised with various modules of your choosing and can include a sensory watch

Tell me more about the modules

Once you start thinking “inside the crotch” you can come up with hundreds of different ideas Tell me your ideas, I will create a new presentation with the best onesBut here are some of the more obvious ones to be getting on with

Vibrators

No not that sort of vibrator (see later). These are a set of small vibrating pads placed right around the belt.Use different combinations to tell time; create alarms

Set up different patterns for determining when calls/text/email comes in and if it is important or not

Could even use to spell simple words perhaps - waistline Braille

Navigation

Vibration could also be used to help you find your way. Linked to a map it could tell you when to turn and in which direction. It could give you advance warning of when a turn is coming up or when you have gone wrong. It could even give you an indication of the angle at which you need to turn

Reserve power

The waistline is a good place for adding extra batteries without really feeling the weight, and if you wanted to lose weight you could strap pounds of spare power to your waist

Use the batteries for charging phones as well as powering the belt itself

A battery-driven heater in the belt would keep your tummy warm

Power generation through walking

Imagine several ways of using stretching to generate power - from expanding and contracting your middle to move the belt itself, to harnessing the movement of your legs. In the latter case, you would either need a suspender belt arrangement, or some sort of matrix between the belt and elastic round the legs. Perhaps you have a better idea.

Serious: Ambulatory monitoring

In conjunction with Polar chest strap (Smart iVest?) and other sensors, measure core temperature, heart rate, blood pressure, sugar levelsPlus fitness things such as steps, calories, distancePlus if you wear your pants in bed, quality of sleep

Less serious: Buttock drums

Piezo transducers work not only as buzzers but as sensors too. Bored? then play the buttock drums. Sensors can be configured for all major drum sets plus Latin percussion.Accordionists can also have fun: buttons for both hands and buttock squeeze to simulate bellows

this is not really what I meant - but if you are all wearing Smart iPants then, why not?

Pocket keyboard

Once you have mastered the buttock drums then why not learn to touch type on your thighs

Or you could create a mouse, or a joystick, or a graphics pad.

The choice is yours

Link with headsets & Google Glass

For the complete wearable solution, you will be pleased to hear that Smart iPants are completely compatible with most Bluetooth headsets and Google GlassUsed in this way, the phone becomes merely the computing and comms part of your wearable technology

Bose Fart Canceller (BFC)

An audio module that compares sounds coming out of your bottom with those of the outside world and eliminates embarrassing noises completelyYou then have the choice of companion active charcoal insert for complementary smell elimination - or a LED module that will create interesting light show through thinner pairs of trousers

SFW? pPlayer and vPlayer

pPlayer is for men and vPlayer is for women. Need I say more. Er, YesInput for the Players can come from one’s loved one or perhaps anonymously by Bluetooth from random nearby people of the opposite sex - a whole new realm of possibilities for speed dating etc.

And it isn’t really new at all

Compare with● Bat belt● Star Trek belt● Police beltExcept this will be better, more useful and much more fun, Some of it is possible nowAnd its better than a stupid watch