Silence is the Solution for Conflicts in the Family

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"Conflicts continuously arise within a family between husband and wife or parents and children due to lack of understanding. One tries to improve the other by scolding. This only increases interpersonal clashes and differences of opinions. When the wife has made an error and the husband remains silent, she will feel the heat of silence. If he speaks, then it would become ineffective. To scold one for his mistake is a fault. If you collide with a wall, whose fault is it? When one remains silent with equanimity in the face of deceitful aggression of the other then the inner strength of character arises. With such strength of character, family life becomes very harmonious."

Transcript of Silence is the Solution for Conflicts in the Family

Page 1: Silence is the Solution for Conflicts in the Family
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DDDDDADADADADADAAAAAVVVVVANIANIANIANIANISilence is the Solution for

Conflicts in the Family

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EDITORIAL

Conflicts continuously arise within a family between husband and wife or parents andchildren due to lack of understanding. One tries to improve the other by scolding. This onlyincreases interpersonal clashes and differences of opinions. This may lead to them not talkingto one another, however, they need each other After a few days when wordly delusion (Moh)increases, they become one again. With the resumption of verbal clashes, they separate again.Gnani Purush Dadashri brings forth the understanding that gives the solution to all these worldlyproblems while remaining in the Self. In these talks of the Gnani Purush in addition to theworldly solutions, the principles of basic scientific elemental interactions are discussed.

When the wife brings home a salary and she tries to exercise her authority in excess,Dadashri says, ‘If the power is not accepted; it will hit the wall and rebound and hurt the owneronly.’ If the husband abuses his power over the wife, that is wrong. Live as two friends andrun the home together as friends. Is the wife to be oppressed? Is that why you married her?There should be a balance from both sides. The married couple should solve their conflictsthrough correct understanding. One must never reach the point of no talking. When one admitsone’s mistakes, and asks for forgiveness, the other person will definitely give in. When the wifehas made an error and the husband remains silent, she will feel the heat of silence. If he speaks,then it would become ineffective. To scold one for his mistake is a fault.

If you collide with a wall, whose fault is it? When these living beings collide, it is reallynot a collision of the living component, the Self, it is only a collision of the non-Self. So if wetake it to be a clash of walls then there would be no clash and the Lord within will help.Whereas here, he collides with the ‘wall’ and finds faults of the ‘wall.’ When will a solutioncome? The one who complains is the guilty one. Otherwise, where is the need to complain?When one remains silent with equanimity in the face of deceitful aggression of the other thenthe inner strength of character arises. With such strength of character, family life becomes veryharmonious. If you want to wander life after life, then go ahead and clash in the family and ifyou want liberation ‘See’ what happens.

In the current issue of Dadavani, many keys that bring forth harmonious family relationships,while simultaneously increasing the awareness of the Self, are presented. Each key will help thereader to solve his worldly difficulties and progress him on the path to liberation.

Jai Sat Chit Anand. - Deepak Desai

EditorEditorEditorEditorEditor :::::Deepak DesaiDeepak DesaiDeepak DesaiDeepak DesaiDeepak Desai

JJJJJanananananuaruaruaruaruaryyyyy,,,,, 2006, 2006, 2006, 2006, 2006,Vol. : 1, Issue : 3,Conti. Issue No.: 3

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Silence is the Solution for Conflicts in the Family

Where egos collide, remain silent

Questioner: Here in the USA, womenhave jobs, so they have become a little morepowerful. This causes more bickering betweenhusband and wife.

Dadashri: It is very good that theyhave become powerful. The husband shouldsay, ‘Oh, she was without power and now itis good for me that she has power.’ Thefamily train will run better. Which train is better,a weak one or a powerful one?

Questioner: But, don’t things go wrongwhen they impose the power? If the poweris useful, then it is good.

Dadashri: Actually, if there is no oneto recognize the power it will hit the wall. Shemay impose, but if you remain calm, her powerwill hit the wall and hit her back.

Questioner: Do you mean to say thatwe should not listen to the woman?

Dadashri: Listen, listen carefully, andlisten if the talk is beneficial to you. And, ifthere is power-collision, remain silent at thatmoment. See how much drunk (with ego) sheis. Wouldn’t the use of power depend uponhow much drinking has been done?

Questioner: That’s right. And likewise,when men abuse the power, what then?

Dadashri: Then you should be careful.Tell yourself, ‘today it (the pudgal, not thehusband) has gone crazy.’ Don’t say it to him

(This is a humble attempt to present to the world the essence of the teachings of Dadashri, the Gnani Purush.A lot of care has been taken to preserve the tone and message of the satsang. This is an elementary introductionto the vast treasure of his teachings. Please note that any errors encountered in the translation are entirelythose of the translators. In this translation 'Y' in 'You' or 'S' in 'Self' refers to the awakened Self or the Self.For a glossary of the terms, please refer to: www.dadashri.org/glossary.html and www.ultimatespirituality.org)

openly.

Questioner: Yes. Otherwise, he willbecome crazier.

Dadashri: Say to yourself, ‘it is crazytoday’…It should not be like this. It shouldbe beautiful…Would two friends do somethinglike this? Will their friendship last if they dosomething like this? Wife and husband arefriends, and run the home as friends, and nowit has come to this state? Is this why peoplegive away their daughters in marriage to Green-card (those with permanent US residence visa)holders? For this? Is this appropriate? Whatdo you think? This is not appropriate. Whichis more cultured ? A home with clashes orone without clashes?

Questioner: Without clashes.

Dadashri: Then why this? We arecivilized. We are given dowry when we getmarried. Who gets dowry? Is it given so thatyou can tie and beat up your wife? In theolden days, dowry was given because thefamily had a reputation of no conflicts. Noclashing in the family, no unhappiness to others.We should be in that status. This is because,since childhood, the boy is told by people,‘You are a cheque.’ (You will get dowry whenyou get married) So later on, he becomescrazy. You do not know these things. Haven'tyou heared about these 'cheques' ?

Questioner: I don’t understand, whatdoes ‘cheque’ mean?

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Dadashri: Others from smaller townswill give dowry. Even if the groom has littleor no property, but the family is noble and thefamily lineage is good and prestigious. Theydon’t steal, they don’t cheat, they don’t entrapanyone, they don’t do mean things. That’swhy others give money. Do they give moneyto see his face? No. He has nobility. Whatis nobility? He sustains a loss on both sides.When he goes to buy something and getscheated, he will say let them earn a little morewhile he brings home less. And when someonebuys from him, he will give more and say, ‘Letthe poor guy take a little more.’ The one whosuffers on both sides is noble. That’s whyothers give dowry.

So this is what they are trained to thinksince childhood. These Patel boys. Did younot hear about this training? Did you not hearabout people saying, ‘Cheque’?

Questioner: I did.

Dadashri: Yes, that is why he (thegroom) goes crazy. He receives the wrongtraining. It is useless training. It’s like sellingthe groom. It occurred to me in the past thatit is like being sold (for dowry).

Be Silent and See

Questioner: If someone looks at athing and throws it away, what type ofadjustment should be made?

Dadashri: He only threw away a thing,but even if he threw away your son, you just‘See’. If the father throws the son away, you‘See’ that. Or should you throw away thehusband? The son ended up in the hospital,why should two people end up in the hospital?If the husband gets hurt, he will hurt you later.Then three people will end up in the hospital.

Questioner: Then should we not sayanything?

Dadashri: You should say, but speakwith the right understanding (samyak), if youknow how. Otherwise, what is the sense ofbarking like a dog? Speak with the rightunderstanding.

Questioner: How do we say it? Whatis the right understanding?

Dadashri: ‘Oh oh! Why did you throwaway the boy? What is the reason?’ Then hemay say, ‘I did not do it intentionally. Theboy slipped out of my hands and fell down.’

Questioner: Then he is lying.

Dadashri: Whether he is lying or not,is not your concern. Whether he lies or tellsthe truth depends on him, not on you. He cando whatever he desires. He can lie, or he canfinish you, it is up to him. If he poisons yourdrink while you are asleep, you will die. Youdo not concern yourself with what is not underyour control. It will only work if you saygently, ‘My dear, what did you gain by this?’He will then admit his fault. What happens is,you do not know how to say it in a gentlemanner and you argue with him, so he willquarrel twice as hard.

Questioner: What should be done ifwe do not know how to say it? Remain quiet?

Dadashri: Remain silent and see, whatis happening. In a cinema, what do you dowhen a boy is thrown down? Everyone hasa right to say, but say it in a way that does notlead to a clash. It is foolish to say somethingthat leads to more clashes.

Does not talking resolve anything?

Questioner: Can a conflict be resolved

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by remaining quiet and avoiding conversation?

Dadashri: It cannot be resolved.When that person meets you, you should say,‘How are you?’, ‘How are you doing?’ If hetries to start an argument, you should resolveit gently with equanimity. Sooner or later, won’tyou have to resolve it? Are you resolving itby avoiding conversation? Just because youstop talking, does it resolve anything? Inabilityto resolve is why you are not conversing.Avoiding conversation is a burden, burden ofthat which could not be resolved. You shouldgo to him right away and say, ‘Please wait, ifI made a mistake, please tell me. I make a lotof mistakes, you are very smart, you areeducated, and you do not make mistakes. ButI am less educated so I make a lot of mistakes.’Say this and he will be pleased.

Questioner: If he does not soften upafter saying this, what then?

Dadashri: You should just say whatyou had come to say, what else? Some day,he will become soft. If you try to soften himup by scolding, it won’t work. He may actsoft, but he will keep a mental note, and laterwhen you are soft, he will return the scolding.You see, this world is vindictive. It is thenatural law that each living being will takerevenge, and store the feelings of revengeinside, in the form of subatomic particles(parmanoos). So we should resolve the mattercompletely.

Questioner: He avoids conversing, andI say, ‘I made a mistake, I apologize.’ But hebecomes more agitated. What should I do?

Dadashri: You should stop sayinganything. You know that his nature is crookedand therefore you should stop. He might havethis wrong notion that, ‘The one who bows

too much is weak and stupid.’ You stay away.Then whatever the outcome, it is correct. Butwith those who are simple, you should resolve.Do you not know who is simple and who isdifficult in the home?

Questioner: If the other person isdifficult to deal with, should I cut off all dealingswith him?

Dadashri: No. You cannot cut offdealings, even if you want too. Dealings aresuch that they cannot be cut off. Thereforeremain quiet and someday he will becomeangry and your account will be settled. Whenyou remain silent, he will get angry some dayand say, ‘You haven't spoken for many days.You have been going around for days nowwithout a word. Why?’ This reaction on hispart will settle your account. What else canyou do? It is like different types of metals.I know all types; some type of metal willneed a lot of heat to bend. Some you haveto heat in the oven, and then you have tohammer it only twice to straighten it out.These people are all different types of metals.However, the Soul within is untainted, andpure. The steel (the non-Self) is steel. Allthese are made of different metals (differentpersonalities).

Do you have differences of opinion withhim?

Questioner: He talks very little so thereis no difference of opinion.

Dadashri: Yes. When he says very little,the other person feels the heat, and cannotsay anything even if she is right.

The Heat of Silence

Questioner: It is a trait of Indian mento abuse their wives verbally.

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Dadashri: The fact of the matter is, ‘Aweak husband exercises his superiority overhis wife.’ (The husband, who takes out hisfrustrations on his wife, is weak.) That is awell repeated statement in India. Do you thinkit is wrong or right?

Questioner: Right.

Dadashri: Yes. What is the rule inMuslim families? The Husband will beat upsomebody outside. At home, he will gentlyswing the swinging seat on which his wife issitting (take excellent care of his wife). Andthe Hindu’s rule is to get beaten up outside thehome like a coward, and at home to act likea tiger and fight with his wife. This is how thesaying started (a weak husband exercises hissuperiority over his wife).

Some men are so ‘brave’ at home; theyuse abusive language with their wives. Evenif the wife does not swear at him, he will.What is the meaning of ‘superiority’? Thewhole day he scolds his wife, his sons, hisdaughters. It should not be like this at home.When I heard the sentence at a young age, ‘Aweak husband exercises superiority over hiswife’, I said to myself, ‘I am weak.’ Of allthe people in the world, did I find only her toexercise superiority over?’ Should we notexamine ourselves? Am I not weak? Therewas some weakness in me in the past.Frequently there were differences of opinion,but for the last 50 years, none has occurred.Never any scolding or clashing. If Hirabadoes something wrong, I did not say anything.If I scold or clash, I am unfit. It is a crime toscold women.

Questioner: You would not get upseteven if Hiraba did not cook the foodproperly?

Dadashri: Not just the food. If shewas walking with hot charcoal in her hands,and it falls on me, I would not be upset.

Questioner: Then why is she afraid ofyou?

Dadashri: Because I do not sayanything. Saying anything breaks a man’simpact (inner strength). Once the dog barks,the woman will know that he has no stuff (innerstrength). A man’s value and respect is felt,only when he remains silent. ‘If the father inlaw maintains his boundaries then the daughterin law will maintain her respect for him.’ Canyou understand this?

Questioner: Yes, I understood.

Dadashri: So Hiraba was alwaysapprehensive of me even if I never scoldedher.

The other human being is a wall, non-Self

Dadashri: If you hit a wall, is there anargument with the wall? If sometimes you hitthe wall or the door, is there an argument withthe wall or the door?

Questioner: But the door is a non-livingobject.

Dadashri: And for a living being (jiva),you believe,' he hit me.' In this world, all thathits you is the non-living (jada, ajiva, non-Self). What hits and clashes is non-living only.Only the non-living clash. The Self, chetan,has no role in this. You have to see him as awall, and not interfere with anything. Instead,you should somehow manage this and a littlelater say, ‘Let’s have tea.’

Now, if a boy hits you with a stone andcauses bleeding, what do you do to the boy?Get angry? Sure, you get angry. And, if you

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are walking and a stone falls from a hill, hitsyou, causes bleeding; then what do you do?Get angry?

Questioner: No.

Dadashri: What is the reason? Theother one fell from a hill. The boy may befeeling sorry that, ‘why did I do this?’ Whomade it fall from the hill?

Questioner: What should we do if wedon’t want to argue but the other person comesto argue? One is alert not to be dragged inthe conflict, but the other person wants toquarrel, then there will be a quarrel, isn't it?

Dadashri: For how long can you fightwith a wall? What do you do with the wall ifyour head hits the wall? If your head hits thewall, that means you had a fight with the wall,so do you hit the wall? So those who cometo collide are all walls. Why see what theother person does? When you understandthat they are like walls, there is no difficulty.

Questioner: If I remain silent, the otherperson takes it wrongly that it is my fault, andis he not going to clash more?

Dadashri: That’s because you believethat it happened because you remained silent.If in the night, while going to the bathroom,you hit a wall, is it because you remain silent?

It has nothing to do with whether youremain silent or whether you talk back. Thereis no connection. Your silence does not haveany effect on the other person nor does thetalking have any effect. It is only scientificcircumstantial evidence. No one has anyindependent authority in this world. Who cando anything? If the wall (with the door) haspower, then this wall (person) has the power.Does the wall have power to fight with us? It

is the same for the other person. And whateverbanging is going to happen cannot be avoided.What is the sense of useless complaining? Hehas no power so you (to the wife) becomelike a wall. When you scold a wifecontinuously, the Lord within her will note that,‘he is scolding me.’ If she scolds you and youbecome like a wall, then the Lord within youwill help you.

What happens if you have an argumentwith the wall?

Questioner: My head will break.

Dadashri: Yes, the head will break. Inthis, does the wall have any concern? So donot cause an argument. What does the wallhave to do with it? The wall hits us only if itis our mistake. It is not the mistake of thewall. People ask me, ‘all these people arewalls?’ and I say, ‘Yes, people too, are walls.’This I ‘am seeing’ and saying. It is not a bluff.

To have a disagreement with someoneand to hit a wall is the same thing. There isno difference between these two. Hitting thewall is because of not seeing the wall anddisagreement is also because of not seeing.He cannot see further, he cannot find a furthersolution, so there is a difference of opinion. Ifanger arises, it is also because of not seeingfurther. All the anger, pride, deceit and greed(kashaya) that is being done, is because ofinability to see. So this has to be understood.The fault is of the injured, is it the wall’s fault?In this world, all people are walls. When thewall hits, we do not go to it for right or wrong(justice), do we? We do not go to the wallto argue about who is right or wrong.

Questioner: Yes.

Dadashri: Just like that, he is a wall.

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There is no need to seek justice with him.

We should know that those who collideare all walls. Then inquire as to where thedoor is. And even in the dark, the door isfound. Just by moving the hand, can the doorbe found or not? And then, you should escapefrom collision. Not to collide or clash is therule to follow. Not to clash with anyone. Whodo you clash with?

Questioner: He clashes outside thehome.

Dadashri: You may think that, but itsometimes occurs inside the home as well.

Questioner: No, no, we never clash.May be once a year, for a little while.

Dadashri: Once a year is called Diwali.That is not a problem. I am talking aboutonce or twice a month.

Questioner: Sometimes the maid doesnot come to help, or the glassware breaks.When something like this happens, then thereis clash.

Dadashri: Even so, why clash?

Questioner: It happens. Onlyarguments.

Dadashri: When you are working asan employee, do you clash with your boss?The boss says and you do it. No options.People want jobs. Freedom cannot be givento these people, right? So what should bedone? You live like his servant and she liveslike your servant. Then there is harmony. Say,‘I am your servant.’ But do not say it loud,it looks bad when people hear it, they will say,‘both have gone crazy.’

Alas, people do not know how to live.

They don’t know how to get married buteventually get married. They do not know howto become a parent, but eventually become afather or mother. Now live such a life that thechildren will be happy. In the morning, all shoulddecide that today, I do not want to clash withanyone. ‘Let us decide that,’ you should say.

Show me the benefit of clashing.

Questioner: No benefit.

Dadashri: What is the benefit?

Questioner: It is suffering.

Dadashri: No, not only is it sufferingnow but the clash ruins the entire day. Inaddition, the next life is ruined as one loses theright to be born as a human being. The humanform is retained for those who have maintaineddecency and humanity but when there is beast-like behavior-hitting with hands, hitting with‘horns’(ego), does the human form come backthen?

Do cows and buffaloes fight with hornsor do humans do that?

Questioner: Humans hit more.

Dadashri: Humans hit more. Thenthey will take birth in the animal kingdom.

Questioner: It hurts more.

Dadashri: Hurt is more. So then,instead of two legs, one will get four legs andthe tail is extra. That life is no fun. Is thereno suffering for animals? There is a lot ofsuffering. So this should be understood. Howcan this go on?

When others do not understand, remainsilent.

Dadashri: Ladies, don’t you want to

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ask something? Ask whatever you want. Ifthere is a complaint against him (husband),feel free to come forward with it. But get ridof this difficulty. Get rid of this difficulty fromthe home and the family.

Questioner: Do women complain toyou about men, like men complain aboutwomen?

Dadashri: Yes, they both do.Complaints are not from one side only. I amlooking for someone about whom there is nocomplaint from the family. Become such thatno one will have any complaints against you.How can there be complaints from those whodepend upon you (family head)?

Questioner: When I tell the truth, noone understands me at home and they take itthe wrong way.

Dadashri: At that time, you stay awayfrom the issue and keep quiet. It is no one’sfault here. It is your fault only. There arepeople with such good understanding livingaround you and were they to be part of yourfamily, they would understand you even beforeyou said anything. Why did you not get suchpeople in this life? Instead, why did you getconnected with these family members? Whoseselection is this? See, there is everything inthis world, but if you do not get it, whose faultis it? So when the family does not understandyou, remain silent. There is no other way.

Questioner: But Dada, who will listento my complaints?

Dadashri: If you complain, you willbecome a complainer. I consider the one whocomes to complain as the guilty one. Why didit come to the point that you have to complain?Most complainers are guilty. When one is

guilty, then only will he come to complain.When you complain, you are the complainerand the other person is guilty, but in his view,you are the guilty one. So do not complainabout anyone.

Questioner: Then what should I do?

Dadashri: If he appears wrong to you,tell your self within, ‘He is a good man, andyou are the wrong one.’ This way, if you hadmultiplied (pondered on negative passions,anger, greed, deceit and pride) before, then itis divided and if you had divided before, thenmultiply within. Why do they teach divisionand multiplication? To help resolve all theworldly matters.

If he divides, then you should multiply,so there is no remaining balance.

To think negative of the other personthat, he told me this and he told me that is acrime. Why don’t you fight the wall when ithits you while walking on the road? Why isa tree called inert (jada), those who hurt youare all green trees too. Do we say anythingif a cow steps on us? It is the same withothers. How does the Gnani Purush forgivethem all? He knows that they do notunderstand, and are like the trees. Those whounderstand need not be told anything. Theywill do pratikraman right away.

Questioner: Now Dada, where dowe go with these complaints?

Dadashri: There should be nocomplaints. No complaints at all. If you gosomewhere to complain then the lawyer willcome into your home and you will have todeal with the judge and the police. Likewisethe lawyer, the judge and the policeman thedefendant will arise within you when you

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complain. Mooah! (Term used by Dadashrito bring awareness to the disciple), let it be,let it go. Resolve it somehow, by whatevermeans without conflict. The one who resolvesthe case is a wise person. Do you like toresolve a conflict?

Questioner: When there are too manyfiles, how can they be resolved?

Dadashri: They can be. Resolution iseasy when you ‘see’ his pure Soul. Otherwise,if you say, ‘This is my brother in law’s son andmy sister in law’s son,’ all these relations willbecome attached to you, they will cling on toyou. Instead, be careful, wish them the best.Is there anything worth clinging to in this world?You should not cling on to your children. Oncea father embraces a child too hard, then thechild will bite him. The father had no idea thathe had squeezed too hard.

Do you have any arguments and clasheswith your husband?

Questioner: There is logic in life, sothere will be arguments, right ? I may likesome thing, which the other person may notlike, right ?

Dadashri: Everyone has arguments.We should know which are useful and whichare not. Once the logic starts about the husband,that, he is useless, you should not encouragethat. Instead, encourage the logic that, he isgood. But you should not argue and call himuseless. By calling him useless, you are firing agun and he will fire back a bomb. That warwill be like Russia vs. America. It will destroyeverything. Your logic should be proper.

Silence increases strength of character(sheel)

Questioner: In this world, things

happen according to the effects of our karmaunfolding in this life. And in the process, if webecome aware of a deception, that a fraud isbeing perpetrated against us, how do we standup to it? How do we resolve it withequanimity?

Dadashri: If the husband is not straight,can you win him over? This is because whatis in your karma effect (prarabdha) cannot bechanged. This world is such that what wewant to happen does not always happen. Soyou have to tell me, ‘Dada, I have this problemwith my husband.’ And I will quickly repaireverything for you, and give you the key tohappiness.

A Muslim girl once met me inAurangabad. I asked, ‘what is your name?’She said, ‘Dadaji, my name is Mashroor.’ Isaid, ‘Come, sit near me. Why did you come?’She said, ‘My brother is praising Dadaji a lot.Dadaji Dadaji Dadaji Dadaji. ‘So, I thought,how does Dadaji look?’ I said, ‘this is how,look at this, this is Dadaji.’ She waswondering, how is Dadaji’s hair and sideburn!Why her brother was praising him so much?Her brother had taken Gnan from me. AfterGnan, he had gone straight to Iraq. He earned10,000 rupees per month in Iraq. He returnedwhen his sister was about to get married. Heleft after Gnan, he had not seen me since, butwhen he returned home, he started praisingDadaji, ‘Dadaji’ is there and I want to seeDadaji and pay my respect to Dadaji.

Questioner: Dadaji, his experience isthat when the Iran-Iraq war was going on,bombs were falling all around, fires broke outall around but at that time, there was no effecton him. Dadaji’s Gnan was present that thisis all scientific circumstantial evidence, and thatI am pure Soul.

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Dadashri: Yes, ‘Dadaji’ was presentthere with him. His sister was surprised thatDadaji was protecting him there. So the sistercame to see me and pay her respects. ‘Howdoes your guru look? I want to see him.How does the Gnani Purush look?’ She cameand she felt good as soon as she saw Dadaji.She felt in her heart that Dadaji looks likeGod’s (Khuda in Islam) assistant.

I asked her what she did for a living andshe told me that she was a lecturer. ‘Are youmarried or not?’ I asked. ‘No, I am not, butI am engaged to marry a lawyer in Pakistan’she answered. ‘When are you planning to bemarried?’ I inquired. ‘In six months time’ shereplied.

‘Right now you are not unhappy butafter your wedding what will you do if yourhusband makes you suffer? Do you have someproject (plans) to fall back on to after yourmarriage? Before you marry him, you musthave some sort of project (plan) in your headabout how you will act towards him. Haveyou thought about whether or not you will suiteach other after you are married?’ I asked.

‘I have made all the necessarypreparations. If he utters a word like this, Iwill respond like that and if he says that, thenI will tell him this! I have a response foreverything he may say!’ she said.

Just as Russia and the U.S. had preparedfor a cold war, she was also prepared forone. She had made preparations to tackle allpotential disputes. Before he could even begin,she was ready to fire! If he fires a torpedo,she would come back with an appropriateweapon. I informed her that she had begun acold war, for which there was no end.

Girls have a tendency to act this way.

They have everything planned from the start.Boys on the other hand do not preplananything. So the naive boys lose the battle.

I asked Mashroor, ‘who taught you allthis? If you carry on this way, he is bound togive you a divorce- Muslim style (talaaq) withinsix months. Do you want a divorce? Yourapproach is wrong.’ ‘If I do not act this waytowards him then he will become myoppressor!’ She cried.

‘Will you listen to what I have to say?Do you want your marriage to be a happyone? All the women who have prepared toargue and quarrel with their husbands havefailed miserably.’ I explained to her that sheshould go without anticipating any antagonismfrom him and not make any preparations forconflict. If you quarrel with your spouse dayin and day out, will he not think about gettinghimself another woman? Win him over withlove.

Questioner: Love?

Dadashri: Yes, love. Even inattachment, there is some element of love. Youdo not hate him, do you? Do you want tomake it like a war between India and Pakistan?Every one in a marriage seems to be at war.This brings misery into their lives.

I explained to her how she should dealwith her husband. ‘You should deal with himin such a way that if he tries to create a disputeyou should be ready to resolve it. You shouldbe cool and calm when he gets fired up. Evenif he tries to create differences between thetwo of you, you should act as though youboth are one. All these relationships are relativerelationships. If you both end up tearing thingsapart, you will end up divorced.’ She askedme what she should do. I told her, ‘Act

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according to the demands of his mood. If heis in a bad mood, you should have a chat withthe God (Allah) within him and after he feelsgood, you can turn your conversation to him.If he is not feeling lively and you are pesteringhim, he will explode.’

You should see him innocent. Even ifhe says something rotten to you, keep quiet.Love should be true. Worldly love (attraction)only lasts for six months to a year perhaps.Love is tolerance and adjustment.

I asked her who else was included inthe family and she mentioned her mother-in-law. ‘How will you adjust with her?’ I asked.‘I can get around her too.’ She replied. SoI explained to her how she should deal withher mother-in-law as well.

Then I gave her this understanding. Shereplied, ‘I like all these talks very much,Dadaji.’ I told her, ‘if you follow this he willnot give you the divorce in Muslim custom(tallaq), and you will get along well with hismother too.’ She had brought along with hera sandalwood garland, which she placed overmy head. I gave it to her and told her, ‘take thisgarland with you, place it in your home andafter doing its darshan, start your day. Thenyour family life with your husband will proceedvery well.’ She has the garland even now.

I explained to her about the force ofgood character (charitrabud) ‘Whenever yourhusband yells you should maintain your silenceand calmly watch what happens. Your innerstrength (charitrabud) will grow and it will havean impact on him. Even though he is a lawyer,he will be baffled by your ability to stay calmand collected. Eventually he will give in.’ Shefollowed my advice and acted on it. Whenone meets a person of Dadaji’s inner strength

of character (sheelvan) then what else isnecessary? Otherwise, prior adjustments wereall wrong. That adjustment was like the coldwar between Russia and America. The momentone presses a button; there is a fire on theother side. Is this humanity? Why so muchfear? What is life for? Alas! The circumstancesare like that. What can a person do?

When you prepare to win the battle(clash at home) you lose your inner strength ofcharacter (charitrabud). I never prepare forany battle. You might feel that in demonstratingyour strength, you are winning, but in fact, youare really losing your strength of character. Ifyou lose this, your husband will not value youat all. Mashroor understood this well andpromised that, ‘from now on Dada, I will notfight and I promise to follow your words.’

If someone is committing deceitfulaggression (prapanch) against you, and if youmake preparations (inner intellectualadjustments) to retaliate, your strength ofcharacter (charitrabud) will dissipate. No matterhow much someone tries to provoke you intoa conflict, if you do not respond to him, thenhe will become be entangled in his ownscheme. If you prepare to retaliate, you willbe sucked into his trap. So many peoplehave tried to thwart me but they have lost attheir own game, because I never think aboutretaliation. Even a thought of retaliating willdestroy your overt and inner strength ofcharacter (charitrabud and sheelvanpanu).

What is inner strength of character(sheel, sheelvanpanu)? If the opponent hascome to quarrel and abuse you, when he seesyou, he will not be able to say a word. If youask him to say something, he will not be ableto say anything. That is the power of sheel!So, if you make any preparation whatsoever,

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then that ‘sheel’ will break. Do not make anypreparations. Let whoever wants to doanything, do whatever he wants. Say, ‘I ameverywhere.’ (The enlightened worldview, ‘Iam’, ‘there is no difference between the Selfof the attacker and ‘I’ ’).

Questioner: What if there are subtleunder currents of deceitful approaches to dragus into a conflict?

Dadashri: Whatever he may try to do,if You (the awakened Self in Akram Vignan)remain unmoved, and do not want to bedragged in, then he will not be able to doanything to you.

Questioner: But I have to remain inthe decision, ‘I do not want to be dragged in’(ego), do I not?

Dadashri: No. This, ‘I do not want tobe dragged in,’ should be from the state of theSelf (swadhin).

Questioner: So am I to remain in mynatural (sahaj) state (the Self)?

Dadashri: Yes, in the natural state only.And if due to certain circumstances, you (thenon-Self, Chandulal) get pulled, and have togo, then later you should not be bothered(intellect use, do not ruminate over the past)and not interfere in that happening. Considerit as something that is history.

Questioner: I should not becomeengrossed (tanmayakar) in it?

Dadashri: Do not become engrossedin it at all. First let this inner strength ofcharacter (sheel) develop. This ‘character’ isan exclusive inner force and energy. It (sheel)is possible to attain only after Gnan. Theinfluence and power that impresses others

(prabhav), is a very small achievement incomparison with this ‘sheel’. This ‘prabhav’ isseen in worldly people. The one with this innerexclusive force (sheel) has no inferioritycomplex, even in front of God Himself. Andhow then is such a person with ‘sheel’ goingto feel inferior in front of humans? That iswhat ‘sheel’ is. It will protect you in everyway. It will protect you from the celestialbeings (devas, devis). It will protect you fromfear of snakes, insects, and all animals. It willprotect you from everything. So this innerforce, ‘sheel’ is needed.

And when does ‘sheel’ develop? Afterreceiving the Gnan of the Gnani Purush, oneutilizes all his free time in ‘developing andnurturing’ this sheel. Sheel here means thatwhen the other person is making preparationsfor conflict, one does not make any counterpreparations to defend or offend. Any counterpreparation is nothing but a ‘leakage’(dissipation) of this gathered inner energy, sheel.If this happens then sheel vanishes.

Questioner: Should we build a wall toprotect this sheel, so that it is not used up byevents and interactions with persons?

Dadashri: No. This sheel, it is such athing; a force that no one can invade it, no onecan touch it. So it does not need anyprotection. If someone asks, ‘what if it is stolenat night? And then you have to stay up allnight?’ No, you don’t stay up. Go to sleepwithout any worry. Sleep peacefully.

With regards to this sheel, when the sonor the wife go against you, under somecircumstances; and if at that time you makeany attempts to defend your self or make anyattempts to attack, then your sheel will vanish.Instead, you should continue to ‘see’ that this

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machine (Chandubhai) has run into problems.Then see where the machine has run intoproblems. What do others do? They fight, ‘youare this and you are that.’ Such words will ruinyour sheel. Even if someone curses me a milliontimes, I would say ‘welcome, my brother.’

Some father will say, ‘if my son goesagainst me and I do not put him down, or instillfear in him, he will only rise more against me.’No, such attitude of instilling fear will breakyour sheel and make you weaker. Furthermore,your son will revolt against you. And if you donot make him afraid, and if you be patient withhim, listen to him, tolerate him, then slowly hewill turn around. This is the force of sheel. Notknowing this, people continue to suffer.

When faced with overt and inner conflicts,we are generally forced to prepare for ourdefense. When we do this, we slip. We donot have a weapon. He has the weapon solet him use it. After all it is vyavasthit, is itnot? But, the vyavasthit is such that he will behurt himself with his own weapon.

Mashroor understood this completely.‘Dadaji has drawn the picture for me’ shesays ‘you meant to show this type of drawing?’I replied, ‘yes, this drawing’. ‘Wow! What apicture!’ The girl told her parents. Her fatherwho is a doctor came to see me to pay hisrespects.

See now, does Dadaji take any time?A ‘Mashroor’ needs to come here. Oncehere the operation occurs right away. Nowover there, in Pakistan, she remembers ‘Dadaji,Dadaji.’ Everyday!

The ghost of karma

Dadashri: Do you like to quarrel? Ason and father may quarrel but who likes to

quarrel?

Questioner: The one with a hot headwill quarrel. Whoever has hot temper willquarrel. If the son has hot temper, the son willquarrel and if the father has hot temper thenfather will quarrel.

Dadashri: A father may have a cooldisposition and the son may be hot-headed,but what is the reason to quarrel?

Questioner: The son starts the quarrelso the father responds by quarreling.

Dadashri: What can the father do then?What does the father say? He says, ‘you areforcing me to speak against my wishes.’ Butif one is really cool, do you need to get intothe fight at all? But you can’t, how can youremain without getting into a verbal fight? Thisis because you are ‘Chandulal’ (not enlightenedyet). If you are the awakened Self ( khuda kabanda) the words of the son will not touchYou at all. Now, really in this fight betweenthe father and the son, neither the son nor thefather, is at fault at all. It is the fault of theirkarma. Their past life karma account is nowunfolding. Karma is instigating the father andson in this fight. They are both dependent onthe karma. The karma is controlling their acts(karmadhin). It deserves our compassion. Andthe worldly people would say ‘why is the sonswearing at the father? Such persons areworthless.’ No, do not give opinion, mybrother. Why are you getting involved by givingyour opinion? Is the son swearing or issomeone or something making him swear?What do you think?

Questioner: Yes, someone is makinghim swear.

Dadashri: Yes, someone forces him.There is another force behind it. Some ‘ghost’

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has gotten into him. People render justicelike, ‘the son is useless because swears andinsults his father.’ No. Do not become a judge,Mooah (term used by Dadashri to awakenthe disciple)! You should not be the judge.Turn them both around for good if you can,you have the right to turn them around but noright to be a judge. The effect of karma ismaking the poor man swear. The effect ofkarma (ghost) does all this. And good relationsare also because of the effects of karma. Itis merely egoism to say that because of mygood nature, I do not clash with anyone in myhome. The karma effects are good now andthat is why there is no clash or fight.

Those who want to perpetuate theirworldly interactions (sansar) life after life canfight. They can do everything. Those whowant liberation (moksha), to them I say ‘see’‘what happens’ (from the perspective of theSelf). In this world, quarreling will improvenothing at all. Instead, it will only increase theego of the one who says, I taught him a lesson.After the fight, if you check, nothing hasimproved at all. Copper remains copper andiron is iron. If you keep beating the iron, willit prevent the rusting of the iron? No. Why?This is because it is the nature (swabhav) ofiron to rust. So, remain quiet. Just as in a cinema,if you do not like a scene, do you go and tearup the screen? No, you do not. Not all scenes(of life) are of our liking. Some people screamwatching a movie, sitting in the chair, ‘He willkill you, he will kill you.’ Look at these! Thesepackages of mercy! All this in life is for ‘seeing’only: eat, drink, enjoy by ‘seeing’.

Instill the fear of the eye not of thehand

Questioner: Some people have beliefthat children must be beaten up (hit) to keep

them in line or they get spoilt. Keep themunder your control by instilling fear in them, byhitting. Is this right?

Dadashri: Up to a certain age, theycan smack. Now at the age 30 if you try tohit, what happens?

Questioner: He will hit back.

Dadashri: That is why I say you cansmack and I also say you can not smack. Upto the point that their ego can tolerate, youcan keep them in line by smacking them. Ifyou don’t, they will go in the wrong direction.

Actually, people don’t know how tokeep their children in line, they don’t knowbecause they don’t have knowledge about it.Otherwise, there is no treatment like love tokeep them in line. But they can not showlove. They get angry. Even then, it is goodthat by getting angry, or smacking them, theyget them in the right line. Otherwise, the kidwill go in the wrong direction, because he doesnot know what is right or wrong for him. Ifyou hit a 30 year old, he will hit back. Dowhatever you can do as a parent and then youhave to let go.

Questioner: Sometimes when the kiddoes not listen, I have to smack him.

Dadashri: The child is not going tolisten. Is he going to listen if you hit him?Instead, he will only harbor the anger in hismind against you. He will keep this anger,‘when I get older I will take revenge on mymother.’ All living beings take revenge. Weshould resolve all matters with closure to thebest possible extent without causing anyrevenge. If you want to hit, ask him? Tell me,‘should I hit you or not?’ If he says yes thenyou can hit. You can hit with this type of

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agreement. How can you hit otherwise? Hewill keep a grudge. He does not like it andif you hit him, he will store feelings of revenge.When he is little, he may not say anything buthe will decide in his mind that when I grow upI will hit mom.

Questioner: But Dada, my daughterdoes not keep anything in her mind. Whenwe scold her, she forgets it the next moment.

Dadashri: She forgets, she is not thatsmart. She is less restless, so she forgets.But restless people have hot temper. Whyscold? Take the permission of the son if youwant to scold him. ‘Should I scold you? Youdid this wrong. Should I scold you?’ If hesays scold, then you can.

You should not hit a child. Childrenhave individual personalities.

Questioner: There is commonunderstanding amongst our people that theparents should be feared by the children.What does Dadaji believe? Should the fatheror mother be feared?

Dadashri: Yes, fear should be fromthe eyes only, not from the hands. And whenyou stop giving the love that you give everyday, the child would understand. When thechild feels the withdrawal of the affection, hewill understand.

Questioner: Can the child’s behaviorbe improved by hitting?

Dadashri: Never. Hitting improvesnothing. Try to hit this machine. It will break.Similarly, the child will break. They look intacton the outside but they break inside. Whydon’t you remain silent if you cannot encouragethe child and bring out the best in him? Justhave your tea and shut up. Look at the two

‘statues’ (the non-Self) bickering. This is notin our control. We are just observers (seers).

The world does not improve by hitting,fighting, or by getting angry. It improves bysetting an example. All talking is madness.

Silence improves: Nagging worsens

Questioner: If we feel that we keepnagging for his own good, is it wrong? Shouldwe not nag for his good?

Dadashri: No. It is not in our handsto nag. If nagging happens, it is not worthdoing. If nagging happens, then you are toobserve it. It happens even if we don’t wantto nag. Scolding occurs even if we don’twant to. We should just observe, and beaware that it should not be like this. We shouldhave that opinion in our mind.

Questioner: Yes, it should not be likethis.

Dadashri: Once you decide that this iswrong, You (the awakened Self) becomeseparate from the one who is nagging. You(the awakened Self) are not responsible then.

Questioner: How about the vow ofsilence? To be silent, and not say a word?

Dadashri: To be silent is not in ourcontrol. Silence is a good thing but if it cannotbe observed, at least change your opinion.

Questioner: Does silence changeothers?

. Dadashri: It does.

Questioner: More than scolding?

Dadashri: Yes, a lot more. Silencedoes a lot.

Questioner: If you want to teachsomeone, how can it be done if you are silent?

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Dadashri: No, he will learn. Just likethat. By teaching, it will get spoiled. All theknowledge is inside. When you remain silent,the knowledge will reach him. He has thatknowledge. Children have this knowledge.Nevertheless, what comes out as an attemptto correct the child is to be ‘seen’.

It is better to develop silence instead ofbickering. Bickering will only worsen things.Don’t say a word. If the child worsens, theresponsibility falls on you. Can you understandthis matter?

Questioner: Yes, I understand this,Dada.

Dadashri: One cannot bicker with achild, because he has not reached maturity inunderstanding. He will react and reject yourwords to correct him. When I say something,even if I have smacked him, he will accept mywords because he has faith in my words. Nowin your case, you don’t understand your ownspeech. You have become a father free ofcost! Do you know what I’m saying?

Questioner: Yes, Dada.

Dadashri: Parents want their childrento improve but how can the children improve,when the parents are unqualified fathers andmothers? Children become spoiled becauseof the unqualified parents.

The ‘operation’ by The Gnani

In this era of the cycle (kaal), nothingcompares to, speaking less. These days thespeech comes out and hits like a stone.Everyone’s speech is like this so cut back onspeaking. It is not worth telling them off. Itspoils more. Our religion is with us. If the kiteturns downward, pull the string. Similarly, whenthe religion is there, there is no problem. Tellingthem off does not help, it only hurts. So it is

not worth saying anything to people these days.If you tell, ‘don’t miss your train, go early,’ hewill go late and if you say nothing, he will goon time. If we are not around, nothing is goingto stop running. This is only wrong egoism. Allis arranged for his job. Your words will spoilit. You will look foolish if you say anything.The son will show improvement from the dayyou stop nagging. You are not able to say anywords that are pleasant to him, and anythingyou say only aggravates him. They don’t listenand the words return to you.

We should cook, give him food andperform our duties. Nothing more needs tobe said. There is no advantage in nagging.Have you not come to that conclusion? Dogrown up children fall down the stairs? Whyare you missing out on your spiritual progress?Your religion with the children is relative. Hewill take care of himself. Keeping quiet is theright thing to do. It is not worth saying a wordeven. Banging heads verbally is worthless. Itworsens the situation. Your children are good.They will not go astray. Things will improveif you remain silent. Nagging will spoil yourminds, his and yours.

Questioner: What should I do whenpeople come to tell me about myresponsibilities to my son?

Dadashri: Tell them it is up to them.Tell them to talk to the son. You have thisexcellent religion. How can you really knowwhat the son does outside the home? Do notget in too deep about the son. It is causing abig loss for you. Both of you will lose. Youwill remain upset for the whole day. You gotupset after saying so little. You should only‘see’ even if the son is wasting money.

Questioner: But he does not know hisresponsibility.

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Dadashri: Responsibility is of scientificcircumstantial evidence, vyavasthit. Your sonhas understood his responsibility. He goes towork, comes home and rests. What is wrongwith it? He is not listening because you do notknow what and how to say anything. When Isay, he listens. You do not know how to say.No one knows how to say anything to correctthe other. When he listens to you, then it isworth saying. Instead, what happens is, theparents say crazy things and the son goescrazy. It is going to happen according toscientific circumstantial evidences. If the sondoes not know how to get into the train, doesit mean that he is never going to catch a train?It is harmful to nag your son or daughter. Tellme if there is any advantage of telling off yourson for six months.

Questioner: Children talk in a rude way.

Dadashri: Do not get involved. If onestone hits another stone, it will become wellrounded. The sharp edges (ego) of a stoneare polished off to a fine smoothness byrepeated collision with other rocks, like in ariverbed. This is a losing proposition for you.You will have prejudice against him that he islike this. Instead, you should focus yourenergies for your Self. No one can giveanything to anyone, nor can take anything fromanyone. Whatever debt exists (karma) will bepaid and not a cent more or less. Observesilence. Your speaking has caused tension inthe home and worsened the matter.

Questioner: He talks back whateverhe feels like.

Dadashri: Yes, but how will you stopit? By beating him up? There is tension becauseof arguing back and forth. If it stops for sixmonths, it will be good for everyone. Onceyour mind is upset, you will become prejudiced.

So by keeping silence, you will begin to havefaith in him. You keep complete silence. It isworth speaking only if he will improve. Orelse a single word will cause tension. Thingshave worsened because of bickering. Thingswill settle down after six months of silence.You may think that it will get worse, but thatis under the control of vyavasthit. And this isa relative relationship. You are good hearted;your nature (swabhav here) is to bicker. Onlyif it is helpful, you can talk. You should knowhow to talk. It will be helpful if you can talkwithout prejudice, but who can talk withoutprejudice? Only the Gnani Purush.

The situation has worsened because ofyou. When you stop talking, it will settle down.I say this clearly and emphatically. Your son isa good fellow. Do any of the neighbors saythat he is bad? So there is nothing wrong withthe boy.

When the son talks back say it isvyavasthit, scientific circumstantial evidence.These are the echoes of your unpleasant speechof the past. When the son was out of town,did you go to help him in and out of the train?

No one person can change another. Ifyou can keep quiet, it will be good; it willhave a good effect on your son. When yousay bad things, it will have bad effect on him.You remain completely quiet. Nothing willhappen outside of scientific circumstantialevidence. These days it is foolish to say evena single word. So far, things have gone well,because the children are good. You are alsogood but you become emotional. Let go. Showhim affection while he is in the home. What willhappen when he leaves home? When you leave,when you die, who will show him affection?

Questioner: He gets irritated and angry,even if I begin to speak just one word.

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Dadashri: Yes. He is full of irritation.He may get irritated even if I were to speakto him. You are hurting your self. So is yourson. Who will listen to this nagging? Take avow of silence from today.

If others listen, you talk. If others donot listen, what is there to talk?

‘Son should do this, should not do this.’You are no judge! Eat, drink happily, while inthe home, why nag? If the son is like that,people also will talk. But people are saying heis good. So, you don’t say a word. These aremy words to you; you are to observe 6 monthsof silence. If bad thoughts occur to you abouthim, do pratikraman. Do you have to keep onnagging the son? The son who has lived inBombay? (One gets very street smart in beingraised in Bombay). If you want to improve thesituation at home, observe silence for six months.Your son is a good boy. In six months, he willrespect you and even bring your shoes for youwhen you are ready to go out. You have spoiledeverything by nagging. Actually, you are a niceman, but your nature is such; you are unhappyand others around you are therefore unhappy.

Is the son creating quarrelling at home?

Questioner: Yes.

Dadashri: No. You are the naggingone. That’s why this situation has occurred.Does he quarrel outside the home? By tellingoff, no one improves. Improvement occursfrom the speech of a Gnani Purush only. Notelsewhere. This is the responsibility of theparents and the family. You keep totally silent.Do you understand what I am saying? Stopfrom today. Do you argue with the neighbors?

Questioner: No.

Dadashri: Similarly, stop arguing in the

home. These are relative relations. Stop usingthe intellect which says, ‘this might happen orthat might happen.’ Will Mumbai get ruined?So don’t get emotional. I am telling you thisopenly today. Until now, you have tried tohide behind your ego. But really, how are yourchildren, wise or crazy? All will resolve whenyou lose your anger. These are the echoes ofquarreling in the past. You think it is helpful tobe angry, but actually, you lose. Will the boysnot survive if you are not around? That is whythe Lord has said to die while you are living(live as if you are dead, live without ego).

I watch every one. Your son has madeno mistakes since he has been here. Intelligenceis not for arguing. Become without intellect.Do what I am telling you. When you scream,children go mad. Children will take care ofthemselves. Everyone fends for himself. Thisis why there is so much unhappiness inMumbai. How can there be so much bickeringafter receiving Gnan? If you want to be happyand if you want your son to be happy, followmy words from now on. There should be nonoise in the home. Nowadays parents don’tknow how to talk or why else would they notlisten? Your viewpoint may be correctintellectually, but it is wrong through Gnan.There should be no prejudice. This prejudiceis of long standing, so you see no changes inyour son. Ask the outsiders, ‘Is he really likethis?’ They will reply that he is a good boy.This is your (both the son, and the parent’s)account of settling of scores from the previouslife. So, remain silent. There is no one runningthis world. You may watch his affairs when heis young-up to five or six years of age .Whatis there to run now? This is called attachmentand abhorrence (raag and dwesh). Aftermeeting a Gnani Purush, children slowlyimprove. It has worsened because of your

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bickering. You don’t mean to make themunhappy. Just perform your duties. When hecomes home at night, give him food.

Don’t your neighbors know that there isbickering in the home? You are losing prestige.Why are you doing it? Even if the son doessomething wrong, you say, he is wise, andcool it down. How much tension are youhaving? You are a good hearted person butdo people know that? People will only saythat this woman is quarrelsome. Stop it fromnow on. If he is meant to fall, he will fall. If heis meant to turn around, he will turn around.

When you get bad thoughts about yourson, do pratikraman. When you dopratikraman for your son, all negativities in hismind against you will clear. You will have todo a lot of pratikramans, hundreds ofthousands. Do the Vidhi (the special blessingsdone for a problem at the feet of the Gnani)now. It is Dada’s Agna for you to observesilence. For this, I have done the special Vidhi.Start the vow of silence now.

When you have bad thoughts for others,do pratikraman. We have not come into thisworld to nurture and raise the children exclusively.Remain silent. Talk only if he asks, but wish inyour mind that it will be better if he did not ask.He will take care of himself. You kept him inyour womb for nine months, helped him walkwhen he was little, and raised him so far, nowyou have to let him go. Animals too let go oftheir offspring. Remain superfluous. In reality, heis not yours. Because of this body, you call himyours. When you leave this world in the funeralhome, does anyone accompany you? When youembrace him as ‘mine’ lot of problems, occur.

If you had stepchildren, would you haveloved them equally? No. Act as if he is your

stepson. These are bad times of Kaliyug. Actas if they are stepchildren, not really yours.

Verbal clash spoils everything

Questioner: We do not get along witheach other. What should be done so we haveno fights in the home?

Dadashri: You won’t be able to get along,you couldn’t get along before either. This isKaliyug (current era of time cycle filled withdiscord). People got along well in Satyug(previousera of good times). Even your father told me thathe could not get along with anyone.

Questioner: What should I do wheneveryone in the family lives the way they feellike, and do what they want to do?

Dadashri: Have a family meeting andmake some rules. Make rules that this is howwe should live together. We should not behaveaccording to our own whims and plans. Weshould follow certain rules.

Questioner: And if they don’t follow?

Dadashri: If they don’t follow, let go.If the son does not follow the rules, heseparates from the family.

Questioner: If we separate that way,the elders in the family will say ‘Why did younot pay attention to children?’

Dadashri: Of course, they will. Peoplewill criticize. You keep quiet at that time. Arethey not correct? You made some mistakes,so it happened. This may happen anywhere.

Questioner: I have to do all the workaround the home. My children don’t doanything. Children will do well if we teach themabout working hard; but they don’t do anywork and do opposite of what we tell them.

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to tell him, ‘come home soon’ and thenwhatever time he returns is scientificcircumstantial evidence. Fulfill all yourresponsibilities but do so without any innernegative passions, anger, pride, deceit or greed(kashaya). Duties performed without kashayaleads to moksha and duties performed withkashaya leads to continuing entry into life afterlife (sansar).

Is he not your son? Does he everbecome your opponent anytime? When heopposes thus, how will you be happy?

Questioner: He does oppose.

Dadashri: In this world, nothing is suchthat it will not happen. Everything happens.There is so much responsibility in this life! Youhave sons now, later you may also havedaughters. If we risk asking the daughters, whywere you born in this family? They will say‘don’t ask, we are here on our account ofkarma and you are here on account of yourkarma.’ So, we should not ask. The world isso regular that no one is obliging anyone.

Questioner: Children talk in a rudeway.

Dadashri: Yes, but how will you stopthat? It has to stop from both sides.

Once you get certified from a college,does it change? Look at this lawyer, hereceived an LLB certificate, does it change?And look! The certificate given by a fatherchanges every hour (opinion about the son). Ifthe father is heavily religious, he will find faultswith the son. One should not find faults in theformed complex of thoughts, speech and acts(prakruti, the non-Self, Chandulal), the messagereaches the Lord within (the Self). Prakruti isregular, and is under the realm of scientific

Dadashri: You should be concernedabout the children that we presently have. Butyou had children in previous lives too. Whatdid you do about them? In every life, youhave left children behind. In all previous livesthat you have come from, you have left behindchildren, small ones that will wonder around.You did not like to leave them behind at all,have forgotten about them and now have thesechildren, in this life. So why are you unhappyabout children? Turn them towards religion andthey will improve.

One CEO requested me, ‘Please tellsomething to my son, he does not want to dowork at all, all he does is enjoy what I have.’I told him, ‘there is nothing worth saying.’ Heis enjoying the effects of his own merit karma(punya) and why should you interfere? Thenthe rich man says, ‘should I not make himunderstand his responsibilities?’ Then I toldhim,‘in this world, those who enjoy are wise,those who throw away are crazy, and thosewho toil are laborers.’ The one who worksvery hard derives the sweet pleasure from theego of doer ship. He wears a long coat intothe office and everyone stands and respectshim. For us, whatever we enjoy is ours.

Questioner: The son does not liveresponsibly.

Dadashri: The responsibility is onscientific circumstantial evidence. He alreadyknows his responsibility. Problems occur whenyou don’t know how to talk to him. It is worthtelling if he does what you tell him to do. Whenparents talk crazily, children behave madly.

Questioner: Our children run around alot aimlessly.

Dadashri: Children are not bound tous. Everyone in this world is bound. You have

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circumstantial evidence.

Deal with children wisely

As age increases, he thinks that he doesnot make any mistakes, the son makes all themistakes. Actually, he makes a lot of mistakeshimself, but thinks that he does not, as if he isthe magistrate. Even the son will say, ‘youhave no sense.’ But he thinks the son is tooyoung to understand. You dummy! If your sonsays this, you should evaluate whether you havesense or not. If he says so, should you notevaluate ‘do I have sense or not’? And if youthink about it, you will realize that there is nosense. If there is sense, the situation will not belike this. Where there is sense, there is no clash.How many homes here are without clashes?

Questioner: When it comes to children,we do not know what is proper and what isimproper.

Dadashri: It is being over wise to doanything that is not being asked. Discipline thechild until the age of five. Then if the son asks,‘father, give me the fees for my school,’ youshould say, ‘son, money does not grow ontrees, you should tell me a few days ahead. Ihave to borrow.’ And give it the next day. Sodeal with the son in a way that the relation ismaintained and he does not becomeaggressive. There is excessive affection shown,and it spoils the son. Should there be suchexcessive affection? Is there such affection witha goat? What is the difference between thegoat and the son? The Self exists in both.Neither excess affection nor rejection shouldexist. Tell the son, ‘ask me for any help, if youhave any difficulty, and ask while I am around.’Only if there is difficulty get involved.Otherwise, you do not get involved. Whathappens instead is, the father starts screaming

as soon as he sees money falling out of son’spocket. ‘Hey, hey.’ Like that. Why should youscream? He will know it himself when he seesthe money falling. Why should you scream?And what will happen if you are not around?It is under the power of scientific circumstantialevidence. And you do useless meddling. Evengoing to toilet is under the power of scientificcircumstantial evidence. And what is yours iswith you. Staying as the Self is where the realinner endeavor lies (purusharth). And that iswhere the real authority is. There is nopurusharth in the relative self (pudgal, the non-Self). It is under vyavasthit’s authority.

Once the son’s ego has developed,nothing should be told to him. Why should you?He will learn from his mistakes. Until the age offive, you are allowed to tell and scold. Andfrom five to fifteen, you may have to smack hima few times, but after twenty, you can not sayanything, not a single word. It is a crime to sayanything that may hurt his ego, otherwise someday he may even come to shoot you.

If you become without intellect like me,your work is done. Use of intellect willperpetuate your worldly interactions. Answeronly if family members ask. At that time inyour mind, you should feel that it would bebetter if they did not ask. You should feel thatway because if they don’t ask, you don’t haveto use your intellect. As a matter of fact, ourold culture is vanishing. These are the times oftremendous troubles. Every cultural value hasvanished. People don’t know how to explain.When father says something to the son, the sonsays ‘I don’t want your advice.’ What kind ofperson gives advice or takes advice? What kindof people, have been gathered here? Why don’tthey listen to what you say? They do not listento you, because it is not correct, it has ego in

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it and hurts the other. Will they not listen if itis correct? Why do people give advice? Theydo so because of attachment. They are ruiningtheir lives because of attachment.

Questioner: Then another questionoccurred to me, that in anything as far aspossible, to not give any advice, however, ifyou are forced to answer, and you give theright advice, but the listener does not like it,and you cannot give wrong advice. Whatshould I do in this state of uncertainty?

Dadashri: Never give advice, unlessasked to give it. I have already written that.So if someone asks for your advice, saywhatever you think is appropriate, andafterwards say, ‘do whatever is convenient foryou.’ Then it is not something they will feelbad about. And you should do it with humility.

See what happens, and get it washedwith pratikraman

Questioner: The son wonders aroundoutside all day when there is work around thehome, and important errands to run. He shoulddo them. In spite of scolding him, he does nottake heed, then I cannot remain silent and Iend up smacking him.

Dadashri: No, You can’t be silent likethat. Do you have the awareness (laksha) ofthe Self or not?

Questioner: I do.

Dadashri: Then what is the problem?Our science, Akram Vignan says, You (theawakened Self) should continue to ‘see’ ‘him’.You are to ‘see’ what ‘Chandubhai’ (the non-Self), is doing during the smacking-scoldingprocess. Simply ‘see’ what ‘Chandubhai’ isdoing. Afterwards, tell ‘Chandubhai’, ‘you didan aggressive act (atikraman). Why did you

hit the poor kid? Why did you scream? Dopratikraman for all this now.’ Thus when‘Chandubhai’ hits the boy, You know (areaware) it and at the same time make‘Chandubhai’ do pratikraman. Will this suit you?

One man was kicking the latrine doorrepeatedly. I asked, ‘why are you kicking it?’He said, ‘it stinks. I clean it a lot, but itcontinues to stink.’ Tell me, how stupid is that?You kick the latrine door, and it still smellsbad. Whose fault is that?

Questioner: The one who kicks.

Dadashri: Isn’t it a big mistake? Is thepoor door at fault? By kicking, people of thisworld are trying to clean the bad smell. But bykicking, they create more problems, and thedoors get broken.

So much trouble! The whole world is introuble. Not understanding has caused trouble.Once the troubles get solved, salvation is at hand.

Questioner: Now we are taught not tointerfere and to see everything that happens.Now, at home there is a four year old child,who does something wrong, due to poorunderstanding. I try to correct him by scolding.In this, the interference begins. This happens,and now what am I to do? Is this correct?

Dadashri: Yes, but You are to ‘see’the one who is doing it.

Questioner: Say nothing?

Dadashri: ‘Chandubhai’ scolds him, andmay even beat him. You are to ‘see’ that onlyand if Chandubhai beats him too much, Youare to tell (internal talk) Chandubhai, ‘this istoo much. It should not be so.’

Questioner: Now, I do get your pointabout the beating. I am fully aware that

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Chandubhai is doing the beating. My questionis; is my telling Chandubhai anything not somekind of interference in the actions ofChandubhai? Is this proper or improper?

Dadashri: Do it all, interference,correction; do it all. There should be no deepinner intent (bhaav) of interference. ‘See’ whathappens. To ‘do’ is doer ship and this doesnot exist any more. ‘See’ what happens andalso ‘see’ the interference that happens andthe good work that happens.

Questioner: The society will not acceptif the children are excessively mischievous.

Dadashri: Yes, but if you haveunderstanding to improve them, improve them.They will not improve by physical punishment.This is the one way they will not improve. Theyimprove when the approach is methodical.

Questioner: So, if he is made to standin one place for ten minutes or punished in asimilar way, does it hurt his soul?

Dadashri: What is the advantage ofpunishment? Why punish? Instead ofpunishment, tell him to pray to God, that hehas faith in, and tell him to apologize. Then,his mind will improve. Suppose your husbandpunishes you in the same manner, what willyou do then? You will think, ‘when I get achance, I will hurt him. His time will come.’This is not fun. It should not be like this. Nomatter what he does, if you show love, theworld will be full of love. The world is yourphoto, your mirror. There are fifty thousandpersons (mahatmas) with me. I have nodifference of opinion with any one of them. Ifsomeone says,’ Dada, you are a thief.’ I wouldsay, ‘please, sit down. Explain to me how youare calling me a thief.’ Then he will say, ‘it iswritten on the backside of your coat, ‘Dada isa thief.’ I said, ‘correct.’ They will say it, if

it is written, won’t they?

Questioner: Yes, they will. Then thesociety will say that this mother is not proper,she does not take care of the children properly.They will slander the mother, won’t they?

Dadashri: That is the wrong fear in yourmind. ‘What would people think? What arethey saying about how I take care of mychildren etc.’ The children must improve. Ourteaching should be so good that they improve.Instead, the children see that the parents arefighting, and the little boy will think, ‘my fatheris bad, poor mom, she is good.’ So, I toldmany parents in India, do not fight, or else,when children grow up, they will hurt you,take revenge. So do not fight. Live a life fullof love. Why fight?

Now, you are trying to do what is good.You are not doing anything that is bad, butyou don’t know how to do what is good.What can be done about that? It is an art tolive life. Should you not know how to do whatis beneficial? I have no difference of opinionwith any one at all. What is the reason forthat? Should you not try to have harmony withat least fifty or a hundred people with whomyou have no differences of opinions?

Questioner: Yes, I should.

Dadashri: Yes. It can be done. Make adecision once that this is how I want to live life.Then your life will improve nicely. And our familymembers must be kept happy. If you have ahobby of beating, you can beat up a policeman,but not a family member. You may enjoy raisinga hand, but do not do it at home. We arepeople of noble qualities. We are not uncivilized.And the ladies should not plan revenge in anyway, they should remain within boundaries. Weshould all remain in our boundaries.

- Jai Sat Chit Anand

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24 January 2006

DADAVANI

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Spiritual Discourses in presence of Pujya Dr. NirumaKolkata

9 to 11 Feb. & 13 Feb. 2006, 5-30 to 8 PM - Questions-Answers Sessions12 Feb. 2006, 5-30 to 8 PM - Gnanvidhi (A Scientific Experiment on Self-Realisation)

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