Sharing your - 3.droppdf.com3.droppdf.com/files/MjF5x/lullabies-lang-leav.pdf · There is a certain...
Transcript of Sharing your - 3.droppdf.com3.droppdf.com/files/MjF5x/lullabies-lang-leav.pdf · There is a certain...
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Sharingyourthoughtscan
helpusimproveourebooks.We
wouldappreciateyourfeedback.Thank
you!
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ForMichaelIloveyou,I
do—youhavemyword.
Youhaveallmywords.
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Contents
IntroductionChapter1DuetChapter2InterludeChapter3
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Finale
EncoreAcknowledgmentsAbouttheAuthorIndex
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Introduction
“Amindpossessedbyunmadebooks.”
This line, taken from the
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poem Lost Words byMichaelFaudet,illustratesmylifelongpreoccupationwith books. All artistshave a motive, a passionthat wills them to createthe things they do. Forme, it has always beenabout books. It alwayswillbe.
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Itwas fromaveryyoungagethatIfellinlovewiththis wonderful artifact—the turn of the firstpage is almost like asacred ritual to me.Whenever I walk into alibrary,itisneverwithoutsomedegreeofreverence.
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Over time, my love ofbooks spilled beyond thejoyofreadingandIbeganto dream of books filledwith my own words andpictures.
This dream turned toreality with thepublication of my first
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book, Love &Misadventure, andcontinues now with thefollow-up, Lullabies,the very book you areholdinginyourhands.
I have always thoughtpoems were a little likespells—incantations that
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areasoldastime.Thereisa certain quality towordsthat—when strung in acertain way—has analmost hypnotic effect.This combined with theuniversal theme of love,becomesevermorepotentandintoxicating.Afterall,what greater magic is
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therethanlove?
I hope you enjoy readingLullabies as much as Ienjoyed putting ittogether.Iimagineittobea bedside table kind ofbook—hopefully, onethat you will pick up onsomewindy,restlessnight
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and it will help sing youtosleep.
Though it has a start,middle, and end, you canbegin readingLullabiesfrom any page you wish.Some pieces will sing toyour present, others mayechoofyourpast,andthe
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restcouldwhisperofyourfuture. Remember, whilethe words on these pagesremain static, this book—like all other books—is a living andbreathingthing.Muchlikea mirror reflecting itsever-changing landscape,Lullabiesisabookthat,
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over time, will revealitselftoyouslowly.
MuchLove,Lang
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LostWords
Amidnightscribble,
amorningsigh;
youwatchthewords
curlupanddie.
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Madnesslives
insideyourhead,
ofpoemslost
andpagesdead.
Amindpossessed
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byunmadebooks,
unwrittenlines
onemptyhooks.
—MichaelFaudet
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Chapter1
Duet
Inbooksunread,weliebetween
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theirpages.Astheyturnustoloverslikeseason’schanges.—EXCERPT
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HerWords
Loveagirlwhowrites
andlivehermanylives;
youhaveyettofindher,
beneathherwordsofguise.
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Kissherblue-inkedfingers,
forgivethepenstheymarked.
Thestainofyourlipsuponher—
theoneshe
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can’tdiscard.
Forgethertatteredmemories,
orthepagesotherstook;
youarehereverafter—
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theheroofherbook.
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MyHeart
PerhapsIneverlovedenough,
IfonlyI’dlovedmuchmore;
Iwouldnotnearlyhadsomuch,
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leftwaiting,foryouinstore.
IfIhadgivenawaymyheart—
tothosewhocamebefore;
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itwouldbesaferleftinparts—
butnowyouhaveitall.
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Metamorphosis
I am somebody else’sstory.Thegirlwhoservedtheir drink, the personthey pushed past on acrowded street, the onewho broke their heart. Ihavehappenedinsomanyplaces, tosomanypeople
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—theessenceofmelivesoninthesenuances,thesemoments.
Yet never have I beenbolder or brighter than Iam with you. Not oncehave I ever felt so alive.Whatever vessel we pourourselves into, mine is
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now overflowing,brimming with life. It istranscending intosomethingnew.
Hands are no longerhands. They are caresses.Mouths are no longermouths. They are kisses.My name is no longer aname, it is a call. And
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love is no longer love—loveisyou.
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When
Wheneverydream
hasturnedtodust,
andyourhighesthopes
nolongersoar.
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Whenplacesyou
onceyearnedtosee,
growfurtheraway
ondistantshores.
Whenevery
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nightyouclose
youreyes,andlong
insidefor
somethingmore.
Rememberthis
andonly
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this,ifnothing
elseyoucan
recall—
Therewasalifeagirlonce
led,whereyou
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werelovedthemostof
all.
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Tsunamis
Be careful aboutgivingyourhearttooquickly,Iwastold.Boys only have one thingon their minds, theycautioned.
I don’t know if he truly
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lovesme—how can I besure?Ican’tsaywithanyconviction that he won’tbreakmyheart—buthowcould I have stopped himfrom taking what wasalreadyhis?
He swept in like atsunami,waveafterwave,
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and I didn’t stand achance. All thosewarnings, all the thingsthey tried to prepare mefor—lost in an instant—totheenormityofwhatIfelt.
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ThoughtsofYou
There were times when Iwas with him and it wastoomuch.Doesthatmakesense? When someonestirsaworldofemotioninyouandit’ssointenseyoucan barely stand to be
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withhim.
During those moments, Iwanted so desperately toleave—to go home,walkinto my bedroom, andshut the door behind me.Crawl into bed and laythere in the dark, tracingtheoutlineofmylipswith
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my fingers—replayingeverything he said,everything we did. Iwanted to be left alone—withnothingotherthanmythoughtsofhim.
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He’sLeaving
Mynineisyour
noon;
I’mjustpackingnow—
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yourwinter,
myJune.
wishIcouldpackyou.
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Patience
Patience andLove agreedtomeet at a set time andplace;beneaththetwenty-third tree in the oliveorchard. Patience arrivedpromptly andwaited. Shechecked her watch everyso often but still, there
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wasnosignofLove.
Was it the twenty-thirdtreeorthefifty-sixth?Shewondered and decided tocheck,justincase.Asshemadeherwayover to thefifty-sixth tree, Lovearrived at twenty-three,where Patience wasnoticeablyabsent.
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Love waited and waitedbefore deciding he musthave the wrong tree andperhaps it was anotherwheretheyweresupposedtomeet.
Meanwhile, Patience hadarrived at the fifty-sixthtree,whereLovewasstillnowheretobeseen.
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Both begin to driftaimlesslyaroundtheoliveorchard, almost meetingbutneverdo.
Finally, Patience, whowas feeling lost andresigned, found herselfbeneath the same treewhere she began. Shestood there for barely a
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minute when there was ataponhershoulder.
ItwasLove.
..................................
“Where are you?” Sheasked. “I have beensearchingallmylife.”“Stop looking for me,”
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Love replied, “and I willfindyou.”
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PassingTime
Ifeeltheendisdrawingnear,
wouldtimebesokindtoslow?
Youareeverythingto
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me,mydear,youareall
Ireallyknow.
ButasIsitandwaitandfear
andwatchthehoursgo—
Everythingthathappenedhere
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happenedlongago.
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NoOther
There is someone I keepin my heart—I love himand no one else. It is alove that will only diewithme.
You may ask, deathcould be some time
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away—what if fromnowtothen,youlovesomeonenew?
Well I can tell you, thereis only one love. If anyperson claims to havelovedtwiceinalltheirlife—they have not loved atall.
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WellWishes
Mylove,areyouwell,
pasttheseaandtheswell,
outintheworld,wheredangerisfraught.
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Amidstthedoomandthegloom,
andthehospitalrooms,
whereheartscanbebarteredandbought.
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Therearewordstobetray
andthethingsthatwesay,
cansometimesbesnappyandshort.
Wherethe
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strangerswemeet,
takeusdownonewaystreets,
andforgettingissomethingwe’retaught.
Where
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earthquakeswillreign,
betweenterrorandplanes—
andcoldsaresoeasilycaught.
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SadThings
Why do you writesad things? he asked.When I am here,whenIloveyou.
Because someday, in oneway or another, you willbetakenfrommeorIyou.
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Itisinevitable.Butpleaseunderstand; from themoment I met you, Istopped writing for thepast.Inolongerwriteforthe present.When Iwritesad things, I am writingforthefuture.
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APilgrimage
Alwaysseeking,each
momentfleeting;
thisiswhere
mysoulwillrest.
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WithyouI’vefulfilled,
ourdestinedmeeting;
mytiredhand,
againstyourchest.
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Thisistheheart,thatkeeps
minebeating—theseare
theeyesthatmine
knowbest.
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LovingYou
I saw him the other day.His arms around anothergirl, his eyes when metwithmine—wereslowintheirrecognition.
IwonderifherememberswhatIoncetoldhim.
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I will loveyouforever.
Hehadsmiledatmesadlybeforegivinghisreply.
But I am soafraid youmay one day
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stop.
Now all these years later,Iamtheonewhoisafraid.BecauseIlovehim,Istilldo. I haven’t stopped. Idon’t think I can. I don’tthinkIeverwill.
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And/Or
I once wrote a book andcalled itAnd/Or. It wasabout choosing betweeneither, or having theoptionofboth.
I’m not surewhy Iwroteit. Perhaps it had
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somethingtodowithhowI looked at life. My lackof care. My indecision. Iwanted everythingbecause I didn’t wantanythingenough.
Then I met you and itchanged me. For once inmy life, there wassomething I wanted. So
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much.
Forme,thatwasthedeathof theword,or; becausenow, there is no other. Itwas the end of the word,and;forIloveonlyyou.
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Devotion
Heismoretome
thanI.
IlovehimmorethanIcan
bear.
Somuchat
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timesIwishto
die,soIcan
endthisonahigh.
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HisKiss
Hehasmeathiseverywhim;
everythingstartswithhim.
ToalltheboysIusedtokiss—
everything
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stopswithhis.
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Us
I love him and he lovesme.
We spend every momenttogether.Whensleeppartsus, we often meet in ourdreams.
I like to take naps
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throughout the day.Likeacat,hesays.Heisacatperson.
He thinks my eyes arebeautiful and strange. Hehas never seen eyes likemineupclosebefore.
He says they look at him
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withdaggerswhenhehasdone something wrong.Like when he forgets toorderolivesonmyhalfofthepizza.
He thinks I amespeciallycutewhenangry.
WeargueoverwhoseturnitistoputtheDVDinthe
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player.Sometimesnoonewins and we end upwatching bad TV.Whichisneverreallyabadthing.
He never imagined hewould be with someonelikeme.
Now, he says, he can’timagine himself with
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anyoneelse.
..................................
We’rekids,aren’twe?Yes, kids with grown-uppowers.
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Signposts
What if certain peoplewere signposts in yourlife? Representations ofgood or bad. Like an oldfriend you see across acrowded street, one youwave hello to, beforehurryingon.Thelasttime
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yousawthem,thingstooka turn for the worse and,as sad as it may seem,they have unwittinglybecome an omen—aprecursorofbadluck.
Or that onepersonwhomyou rarely speak with,who can alwaysbe found
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rightwhereyouleftthem.Youcarrytheirsmilewithyou like a talisman—forwhatever reason, theirpresence in your life willalways bring the promiseofbetterdays.
Then there is theboyyoucan never stop thinking
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about.Whenever you seehis name, it trips you up.Even if it’s one thatbelongs to many others,even if he belongs tosomeoneelse.
Youknowhe isasymbolof your weakness, yourKryptonite. How herushesinlikewildfireand
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burns through everythingyou worked so hard tobuildsincehelastleftyouinashes.
So you do the only thingyou know how—you putasmanymilesasyoucanbetween him. As manyroadblocks and traffic
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lights as you can gather.Thenyoubuildaboldredstop sign right on yourdoorstep, knowing all thestop signs in the worldcould never hold him—they can only ask himtostayawhile.
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Mementos
Youwerenone,andnow
you’reall;yourworth
willrise,themoreI
fall.
Likethese
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mementoswehave
stored,oncewere
things—nowso
muchmore.
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Keys
Hearts don’t have locks,shesaid.
Some do, he replies.Therearepeoplewhogiveaway thekey to theirs forsafekeeping. Others aremistrustful and give outseveral keys, just in case.
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Then there are thosewhohave misplaced them butnevercaredtolook.
What about your heart,sheasked.
Hesmiled.
Yourwordsarethekeytomine,hereplied.
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Neverforgetyourwords.
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DéjàVu
Isawitonce,Ihaveno
doubt;butnow
can’tplaceits
whereabouts.
Itrytothinkit,
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timeandtime;
butwhatitis,
won’tcometomind.
Aword,ascent—
afeeling,
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past.Itwillnot
show,though
muchI’veasked.
Andwhenitcomes,
Isoon
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forget—thisishow
itfelt,whenwe
firstmet.
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Clocks
Hereintime,youare
mine;myheart
hasnotsung
louder.
Idonotknow
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whyIloveyouso—
theclockknowsnot
itshour.
Yetitisclear,toallthat’s
here,thattimeis
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toldbyseeing.
Eventhough
clocksdonotknow,
itisthereason
fortheirbeing.
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Lullabies
I barely know you, shesays, voice heavy withsleep. I don’t know yourfavoritecolororhowyoulike your coffee. Whatkeeps you up at night orthe lullabies thatsingyouto sleep. I don’t know a
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thing about the first girlyou loved, why youstoppedlovingherorwhyyoustilldo.
I don’t know how manymillions of cells you aremade of and if they haveany idea they are part ofsomething so beautifulandunimaginablyperfect.
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I may not have a clueaboutanyof these things,but this—she places herhandonhischest—thisIknow.
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MessageinaBottle
No one truly knows whothey are, he sighs. Theglassbottledoesnotknowitsowncontents.Ithasnoideawhether it isavesselfor the most deliciousapple cider, a lovingly
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crafted wine, or a bitterpoison. People are thesame. Yet like the bottle,we are transparent. Wecan’t see ourselves thewayothersseeus.
How do you seeme? sheasked.
You are a bottle floating
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out at sea, he says. Onethat contains a veryimportantmessage.Itmaynever reach its recipient,but as long as there issomeone waiting, it willalwayshavepurpose.
Willyouwaitformine?
Iwill,hepromised. Iwill
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look for you every time Istand at the edge of theocean.
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You
TherearepeopleIwillneverknow
andtheirliveswillstillensue;
thosethatcouldhave
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lovedmesoandI’ll
neverwonderwho.
Ofallthethingstocomeandgo,
thereisnooneelselikeyou.
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ThethingsIneverthinkabout—
andtheonlythingIdo.
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MorethanLove
Lovewascruel,asIstood
proud;heshowed
meyouandIwas
bowed.
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Hedeftlydealt
hisswiftestblow—
Ifellfurtherthan,
Iwasmeanttogo.
Andheashamed,
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ofwhathe’dcaused,
knewfromthen,
thatIwasyours.
Thathe,anecho
andyou,thesound—
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Ilovedyoumore
thanloveallowed.
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SecondChances
Thepathfromyouextending,
Icouldnotseeitscourse—
ortheclosertoyouIwasgetting,
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thefurtherfromyouI’dwalked.
ForIwasmovinginacircle,
notalineasIhadthought—
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thestepsItookawayfromyou,
weretakingmetowards.
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APhoneCall
Wesaidhelloathalfpastone,
allourchoresforthemorningdone;
andaswespokeaboutour
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day,theworld
begantofallaway.
Toourhighesthopesanddeepestfears,
ifIhadonewish,I’d
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wishyouhere,
thetantrumsandthehorrorshows,
thestoriesonlyyouwouldknow.
Allthewhile
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withthetickingclock,
laughingasifwe’dneverstop;
wesaidgoodnightathalfpastten—
atmidnightwesaidgood
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nightagain.
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Entwined
ThereisalineI’myetto
sever—itgoes
frommetoyou.
Therewasa
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timeyouswore
forever,andIam
captivetoitspull.
Ifyouwerekind,
you’dcut
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thetether—butImust
askyoutobecruel.
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Stay
ThewordsIheard
fromyoutoday,
aresaidwhen
there’snothing
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lefttosay.
WhatIwouldgive
tomakeyoustay,
Iwouldgiveit
allaway.
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TheSeventhSea
Theanswerisyes,alwaysyes. I cannot deny youanything you ask. I willnotletyoubeartheagonyofnotknowing.
YesIloveyou,Iswearit.
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On every grain of salt inthe ocean—on all mytears. I foundyouwhen Ireached the seventh sea,just as I had stoppedlooking.
It seems a lifetime agothat Ibegansearching foryou.
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A lifetime of pain andsorrow. Ofdisappointment andmissedopportunities.
All I had hoped for. Allthe things I cannevergetback.
When I am with you, Iwantfornothing.
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OverMyHead
Icounthisbreaths,
inhoursunslept,
againsthoursofhim,
Ihaveleft.
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Withhimlyingthere,
withhimunaware,
Iamoutofmydepth.
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IfMyLifeWereaDay
You are the momentbefore the sun sinks intothe horizon.The transientlight—the ephemeralhues set against thefading,fadingsky.
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Until I am left only withthe moon to refract yourlight. And in yourabsence,thestarstoguideme—like a cosmicrunway—steadilyintothedark.
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Chapter2
Interlude
Shewasdifferentfrom
anything
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hehadeverknown.—THE
PROFESSOR
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Nostalgia
Do you remember ourfirst day? The fog liftedand all around us weretrees linking hands, likechildrenplaying.
Our first night,when youstood by the door,conflicted, as I sat there
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with my knees tuckedunder my chin, andsmiling.
Then rainbows archingover and the mostbeautiful sunsets I haveeverseen.
How the wind howls asthe sea whispers, Imiss
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you.
Comebacktome.
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TheProfessor
A streak of light flashesacross the sky. Thickheavyraindropspoundtheuneven dirt floor, litteredwith dried leaves andtwigs.Shefollowscloselybehind him, clutching an
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odd contraption—arectangular deviceattached with a long,squiggly, antenna. “Youwere right about thestorm, Professor!” sheyells over the howlingwind.“Yes,myassistant!”he cries, voice chargedwith excitement, as he
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holds up the long, metalconductor. She stumblesover a log as he reachesouttocatchher.
They tumble on the drygrass laughing. He tossesaside the bent, silver coathanger,wrappinghisarmsaround her waist. Thelittle transistor radio falls
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fromherhands.
Thesunpeeksthroughthetreetops.
She thinks of their firstconversation. “I live by aforest,”hesaid,describingitinsuchawaythatwhenshe came to scale thosecrooked,windingstairs, it
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waslikeshehadseenitathousandtimesbefore.Asif it had always beenthere,waiting towelcomeher.Likethepretty,sunlitroom that remainedunfurnished,sittingemptyin his house, now filledwith her paints andbrushes.
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ShewouldfondlycallhimherFrankenstein,thismanwho was a patchwork ofallthethingsshehadeverlonged for. He gave hersuch gifts—not the kindthatwereputinboxes,butthesortthatfilledherwithimagination, breathingindescribable happiness
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into her life.One day, hebuilt her a greenhouse.“So you can create yourlittle monstrous plants,”heexplained.
He showed her how tocatch the stray butterfliesthat fluttered from theirelusive neighbors, whowere rumored to farm
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them for cosmetic use.She would listen inmorbid fascination as hedescribed how thehelpless insects werecruelly dismembered,before their fragile wingswere crushed and groundintoa finepowder.“Yourlipswould look beautiful,painted with butterfly
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wings,” he would teaseher.
“Never!” she’d cry,alarmed.
They spentmuch of theirdays alone, in theirpeaceful sanctuary, apartfromthe littlevisitorwhocameonweekends.When
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theweatherwasgood,thethree of them wouldventureout,pastthewornjetty and picnic on theirlittle beach. He wouldwatch them proudly,marveling at the startlingcontrast between the twothings he loved most inthe world. His son withhairofspungold,playing
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at his favorite rock pooland chattering animatedlyinhissingsongvoice.She,with a small, amusedsmile on her tiny lips,raven hair tousled by thesea wind. She wasdifferentfromanythinghehadeverknown.
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TheDinnerGuest
The wine, sipped tooquickly, has gone to myhead. I watch the wayyour hands move as youtellyour jokeand laughalittletooloudlywhenyoudeliverthepunchline.
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Hiseyesflashatmefromacrossthetable.Thesamedisapproving lookheshotme earlier, as I wasgettingdressed.
It’sabittight.
Don’tberidiculous,Isay.
How do you know him,
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again?
Just an old friend. Weworked together yearsago.
He clears his throat,breaking my reverie. Mygrin fades into a small,restrainedsmile.
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Youtopuphisglass.
The conversation driftsintostocksandbonds.Mymind begins to wander,likeaboredschoolgirl.
Your hand brushes myleg.
Wasitanaccident?Ilook
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at you questioningly, butyou are staring straightahead, engrossed inconversation.
Then there it is again.Very deliberately, restingonmyknee.
Oh,yourhands.
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They slide up my thighandundermyskirt,lightlyskimmingthefabricofmypanties.
It’sbeensolong.
I part my legs under thetable.
The conversation turns to
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politics.
Amirroreffect,yousay.
He looks confused.What’sthisaboutmirrors?
The word sends a joltthroughmybody.
Your hand slips into my
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panties.
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Vania
VaniaZouravliov, that’s hisname!Myfavoriteartist.Iwantedhisbookthat time. . . very badly, in fact. Itippedmylittlecoinpurseupside down and countedallmymoney.Iwasshort
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twentydollars!
She lies on her stomachby the fire with hersketchpad open, lazypencil strokes lining thepaper with each flick ofherwrist.
Oh, poor you, he sayssympathetically. Do you
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know what, sweetheart,we’llgetyouthatbook.
Thanks, baby. She smilesathim then returns tohersketching.
I’ll tell you how, hecontinues, snapping hislaptopshut.
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She looks up, bemused.Pencil down, chinpropped in hand. I’mlist-en-ing, she says inasingsongvoice.
Okay, sohere’swhat youdo. You go into thebookstore and you buy acheap paperback novel.
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Smile sweetly and makesmall talkwiththepeopleattheregister.Turnonthecharm, just like the wayyoudowhenyou’retryingto flogme your sketches.“Hey look! I just drewthese.Whatdoyouthink?D’youwannabuythem?”
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Shegiggles.
Then, he says, afteryou’ve finished paying,wander over towhere thebookis,pickitupandflipthrough it, looking as ifyou didn’t have a care intheworld.
He lets out a small
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chuckle,leaningforward.
Thenmydear,yougetasclose as you can to theentrance withoutattracting anyattention. And… youbolt!Asfastasyoucan,downtheescaperoutethatwe would have planned
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the day before. I’ll be inthecarwaitingsoassoonasyoujumpin,I’llputmyfoot down,hard, on theaccelerator, speed off tosomewhere quiet beforewe stop and I’ll look atyou and say, Can youbelieveyoudidthat?Howdoesitfeel?Andyou’llbe
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sitting there, youradrenaline pumping, yourheart racing, hugging thebook against your chest,saying, “Oh my God! Ican’t believe I just didthat!” Then do you knowwhatI’ddo?
What—would—you
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—do? she says betweenpealsoflaughter.
I’dtakeyouout,fuckyouupagainstthecar.
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Dumplings
Herimpatienthandsworkslowly.
Likethis,shesays.
Then you dip your fingerintheeggyolk.
Put it between the sheet
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andpressitdownfirmly.
She watches as hefumbles.
Thelittlepocketofpastryisforeigninhishands.
She reaches out, placinghers on either side of hisface. Pulling him towards
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her, she kisses himwarmly.
This is why I loveyou.
The sides of his face arewhite from her flour-coatedhands.
Itmakesherlaugh.
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Ifonlyyoucouldseeyourself the way Ido.
Hesmilessheepishly.
Yours are so pretty, hesays.
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He puts down the oddlyshapeddumpling.
And picks up anothersheetofpastry.
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TheGarden
Thecurtain,asmokygraycolor, drops from thecreamy white ceiling.Crawling with strangebugs and eight-leggedcreatures, from where anominousfanwhirs.
His hand reaches for the
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cord. A string of shiny,black beads that glistenagainst the bright, earlyeveningsun.
Flashback to the time hefound her in the garden.White cotton dress pulleduparoundher thighs, feetblackened by the rich,lushearththatshehadjust
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been turning. With anapologeticsmilethatsaid,Icouldn’thelpmyself.
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ThatNight
Itwasoneof thosenightsthatyouarenotaltogethersure really did happen.Therearenophotographs,no receipts, no scrawledjournalentries.
Justthememorysittinginmy mind, like a half-
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blown dandelion, waitingto be fractured,dismembered. Waiting todisintegrateintonothing.
As I close my eyes, thepicturesplay likeablurrymontage. I can see usdrivingforhours,untilthestreet signs grew less
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familiar—the flickeringlamplightsgivingawaytostars. Then sitting acrossfrom you in that quiet,little Italian place. Yourhands pushing the platesaside, reaching across formine.
Theconversationswehad
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about everything andnothing.Andkissingyou.HowIrememberthat.
Itwasoneof thosenightsthatmymindstillcan’tbesureof.Thatwonders if Iwas ever there at all. Yetinmyheart,itisasthoughI’veneverleft.
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Chapter3
Finale
Theygaveusyears,
thoughmanyago;
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thespringcriestears—thewinter,snow.
—MELANCHOLYSKIES
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ThreeQuestions
What was it like tolove him? askedGratitude.It was like beingexhumed, I answered.And brought to life in aflashofbrilliance.
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What was it like tobe loved in return?askedJoy.It was like being seenafteraperpetualdarkness,I replied. To be heardafteralifetimeofsilence.
What was it like tolose him? asked
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Sorrow.There was a long pausebeforeIresponded:
It was like hearing everygood-bye ever said tome—saidallatonce.
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Acceptance
TherearethingsImiss
thatIshouldn’t,
andthoseIdon’t
thatIshould.
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Sometimeswewant
whatwecouldn’t—
sometimeswelove
whowecould.
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FadingPolaroid
My eyeswere the first toforget. The face I oncecradled between myhands, now a blur. Andyour voice is slowlydriftingfrommymemory,likeafadingpolaroid.But
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the way I felt is stillcrystal clear. Like it wasyesterday.
There are philosopherswho claim the past,present, and future allexistattheonetime.Andthe way I have felt, theway I feel—that
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bittersweet ache betweenwanting and having—isevidenceoftheirtheory.
I felt you before I knewyou and I still feel younow. And in that briefmoment between—wrapped in your armsthinking, how lucky I
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am,how lucky I am,howluckyIam—
HowluckyIwas.
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Thoughts
Dawnturnstoday,
asstarsaredispersed;
whereverIlay,
Ithinkofyoufirst.
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Thesunhasarisen,
thesky,asadblue.
Iquietlylisten—
thewindsingsofyou.
Thethoughtswe
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eachkeep,thatare
closesttoheart,wethinkas
wesleep—andyou’re
alwaysmylast.
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Dyslexia
TherewerelettersIwroteyou that I gave upsending, long before Istopped writing. I don’tremember their contents,but I can recall withabsolute clarity, yourname scrawled across the
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pages. Icouldneverquitecontain you to thosemessysheetsofblueink.Icould not stop you fromovertaking everythingelse.
I wrote your name overand over—on scraps ofpaper,inbooksandonthe
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back of my wrists. Icarved it like sacredmarkings into trees andthe tops of my thighs.Years went by and thescars have vanished, butthe sting has not left me.Sometimeswhen I read abook, parts will lift fromthe pages in an anagramofyourname.Likeacode
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toremindmeit’snotover.Likedyslexiainreverse.
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DeadPoets
Her poetry is written onthe ghost of trees,whispered on the lips oflovers.
Asa littlegirl, shewoulddriftinandoutoflibrariesfilledwithdeadpoetsandtheir musky scent. She
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held them in her handsand breathed them in—wantingsomuchtobepartoftheirworld.
It wasn’t long beforeEmily began speaking toher, then Sylvia andKatherine; their voicesrang in unison, haunting
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and beautiful. They toldher one day her poetrywould be written on theghost of trees andwhispered on the lips oflovers.
But it would come at aprice.
Thereisn’tathingIwould
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not gladly give, shethought, to join my idolsonthosedustyshelves.Tobeimmortal.
As if reading her mind,the voices of the deadpoets cried out in alarmandwarned her about thegreatest heartache of all
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—how every stroke ofpenthereafterwouldopenthe samewoundoverandoveragain.
What is thecauseofsuchgreat heartache? Sheasked. They heard thekeen anticipation in hervoice and were sorry for
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her.
The greatest heartachecomes from lovinganother soul, they said,beyond reason, beyonddoubt, with no hope ofsalvation.
It was on her sixteenthbirthday that she first fell
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in love. With a boy whobrought her red roses andwhitelies.Whenhebrokeher heart, she cried fordays.
Thenhopeful,shesatwitha pen in her hand, poisedover the blank whitesheet, but it refused todrawblood.
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Manybirthdayscameandwent.
One by one, she lovedthem and just as easily,they were lost to her.Somewhere amidst thecarnations and forget-me-nots, between the lilacsand mistletoe—she
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slowlylearnedaboutlove.Little by little, her heartbloomedintoabouquetofhope and ecstasy, oftendernessandbetrayal.
Then she met you, andyou brought herdandelions each day, soshewouldneverwant forwishes. She looked deep
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intoyoureyesandsawthevery best of herselfreflectedback.
And she loved you,beyond reason, beyonddoubt, and with no hopeofsalvation.
When she felt your loveslipping away from her,
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she knelt at the altar,before all the great poets—andshebegged.Shenolongercaredforpoetryorimmortality, she onlywantedyou.
But all the dead poetscould do was look on,helpless and resigned
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while everything she hadeverwishedforcametruein the cruelest possibleway.
She learned too late thatpoets are among thedamned, cursed tocommiserate over theirloss, to reach withoutstretched hands
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—hands that will neverknow the weight of whattheyseek.
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Time
Youweretheone
Iwantedmost
tostay.
Buttimecouldnot
bekeptat
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bay.
Themoreitgoes,
themoreit’sgone—
themoreittakesaway.
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BrokenHearts
I know you’ve lostsomeoneandithurts.Youmay have lost themsuddenly, unexpectedly.Or perhaps you beganlosingpiecesofthemuntilone day, there was
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nothing left. You mayhaveknownthemallyourlife or you may havebarelyknown themat all.Eitherway,itisirrelevant—you cannot control thedepthofawoundanotherinflictsuponyou.
Which is why I am not
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here to tellyou tomorrowwill be a new day. Thatthesunwillgoonshining.Orthereareplentyoffishinthesea.WhatIwilltellyouisthis;it’sokaytobehurting as much as youare.What you are feelingis not only completelyvalid but necessary—
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because it makes you somuch more human. Andthough I can’t promise itwill get better any timesoon,Icantellyouthatitwill—eventually. Fornow,allyoucandoistakeyour time. Take all thetimeyouneed.
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Wounded
Abruiseistender
butdoesnotlast,
itleavesmeas
Ialwayswas.
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ButawoundItake
muchmoretoheart,
forascarwillalways
leaveitsmark.
Andifyou
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shouldaskwhichone
youare,myanswer
is—youarea
scar.
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Despondency
There was a girl namedDespondency, who loveda boy named Altruistic,andhelovedherinreturn.
She adored books and hecould not read, so theyspent most of their timewanderingthroughworlds
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together and in doing so,livedmanylives.
Oneday,theyreadthelastbook there was anddecided they would writetheir own. It was abeautifultalesetagainstaharshdesertwithaprincenamedMirageasthehero.From their wild
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imaginings, an intricateplot of adventure andtragedyunfolded.
Altruisticawokeonenightto find Despondencysitting at her desk,furiously scribbling awayin their book. It caughthim by surprise for untilnow,shehadnotwrittena
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singlewordwithouthim.
Despondency turned toface him, her eyes castdownward. She told himwhile writing their story,shehadfallendesperatelyin love with PrinceMirage and wanted towander the desert insearchofhim.
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Altruisticwasheartbrokenbut knew it was inDespondency’s nature tolongforwhatshecouldn’thave,justlikeitwasinhisnot to stand in her way.Crying,shebeggedhimtoburn the tale of PrinceMirage, but he could notbringhimselftodoit.
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Theysaidtheirgood-byesand she asked him if hewould carry their bookwith him always. Hepromised he would andwith one final look, shewas swallowed by theswirling desert sands. Heknewhewould never seeheragain.
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Epilogue
The girl was standing inthe graveyard by herfather’stombstonewhenatall stranger approached.Handing her a worn,leather-bound book, hesaid, “Your fatherwantedyou to have this.” She
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knew at once it was thebookhehadcarriedinhisbreastpocket,close tohisheart for all his life. Herfather’s inability to readwas also something shehad inherited, and whiletracing her fingers overthecoverofthebook,sheasked, “Can you pleasetellmewhatthetitleis?”
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“Grief.” the strangerreplied.
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ForYou
HerearethethingsIwantforyou.
Iwantyou tobehappy. Iwant someone else toknow thewarmthof yoursmile,tofeelthewayIdidwhen I was in yourpresence.
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I want you to know howhappyyouoncemademeand thoughyoureallydidhurtme,intheend,Iwasbetter for it. Idon’tknowifwhatwe hadwas love,but if it wasn’t, I hopenever to fall in love.Becauseofyou, I know Iamtoofragiletobearit.
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I want you to remembermy lips beneath yourfingers and how you toldme things you never toldanother soul. I want youto know that I have keptsacred, everything youhadentrusted inmeand Ialwayswill.
Finally, I want you to
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know how sorry I am forpushingyouawaywhenIhad only meant to bringyou closer. And if I everfelt like home to you, itwas because you weresafe withme. I want youtoknowthatmostofall.
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AlwayswithMe
YourloveIoncesurrendered,
hasneverleftmymind.
Myheartisjust
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astender,asthedayI
calledyoumine.
Ididnottakeyouwithme,
butyouwereneverleftbehind.
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Love’sInception
Ididnotknowthatitwas
loveuntilI
knew.
Therewasnever
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anothertocompare
withyou.
Butsinceyouleft,
eachboyImeet,
willalwayshaveyou
tocompete.
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Karma
Sorrowtellsstories,
Irelaythemtowisdom;
Iplaythemlikerecords
tothose
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whowilllisten.
Iknowtobethankful,
Iwasgivenmytime;
tothosewhohavelovedhim—
your
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heartacheismine.
Totheonewhowillkeephim,
andtheheartshehaskept
yourlove,whenitleaves
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him—hisgreatest
regret.
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FairyTalesWhenshewasalittlegirl,she went to the schoollibrary asking for booksaboutprincesses.You’ve read everybook we have aboutprincesses.Inthewholelibrary?
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Yes.
Years later, she fell inlove. Shewrote his nameontheinsideofherpencilcase.Hopinghemightaskto borrow a pen so shecouldbefoundout.
In the yard of a housewhereshelived,therewas
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a large oak tree carvedwith the initials of eachboy she had ever kissed.Sheputacrossnexttotheletters F.P. and noticedwith a quiet wonder thathesharedthesameinitialsasTheFrogPrince.
Shelovedonlyhim.
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Like Rapunzel, she grewher hair longer thananyone she knew and fornearly a whole summer,she slept and slept andslept. She stayed insideuntil her skin turned apowder white against herblood red lips. Each daywas spent living andbreathing and longing for
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twisted paths andmurderouswolves.
You’re living in afantasy,hermothersaid.Youneedtowakeup,herboyfriendtoldher.
But all she could thinkabout was the boy who
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was now just aninscription inside a pencilcase and two crookedletters carved into an oldoaktree.
And the fairy talehis lipsonce left on the ashensurfaceofherskin.
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ALetter
Itwasbeautifullyworded
andpainfullyread;
thethingsthatwerewritten,
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werethoseneversaid.
Hisliesweremycomfort,
butthetruthIwasowed—
Isowantedtoknowit,
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nowIwishnottoknow.
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Unrequited
Thesunabove;astringless
kite,hertendril
fingersreach
toward.
Hereyes,like
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flowers,closeat
night,andthe
moonissadtobe
ignored.
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ConcentricCircles
Agingisaeuphemismfordying, and the age of atree can only be countedbyitsrings,oncefelled.
SometimesIfeelthereareso many rings inside me
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—and if anyone were tolook, they would see Ihave livedanddiedmanytimes over, each timeshedding my leaves barewith the hope of renewal—thedesiretobereborn.
Like concentric circlesthat spill outwards across
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thewater—IwishIcouldwear my rings on thesurface and feel lessashamed of them. Orbetter yet, to becompletely stripped andbaptized—my linesvanishing like a newlypressed garment, a stillpond.
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Edgar’sGift
Anythingandeverything,
thetwoalmostthesame—
everythingsays,haveitall;
anything,
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onetoclaim.
IfIsay,I’dgiveyoueverything,
weknowitcanneverbe,
butIwillgiveyouanything—
Ijusthope
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thatthingisme.
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Pretext
Ourlove—adeadstar
totheworlditburnsbrightly—
Butitdiedlongago.
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LivingaLie
Thoughtsthatshe
cannotunthink;
alifethatshe
cannotunlive.
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Skippingstones
towatchthemsink;
sheenvieshow
theyeasily.
Sorrowwrapsher
likeascarf;
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waitingfora
smallreprieve—
fallinginandout
oflove.
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Soundtracks
Heoncetoldmeabouthislove for lyrics. How thewords spoke to him likepoetry.
I would often wonderabout his playlist and theghosts who lived there.The faces he saw and the
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voices he heard. Thesoundtrack to a thousandtragic endings, real orimagined.
ThefirsttimeIsawhim,Inoticed how haunted hiseyes were. And I wasdrawntohim,inthewayamelody draws a crowd tothedancefloor.Pulledby
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invisiblestrings.
NowIwonderifIamoneof those ghosts—if I amsomewhere, driftingbetween those notes. Ihope I am. I hopewhenever my song plays,I am there, whispering inhisear.
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AWinterSong
Shewasthesong,
inachorus—unheard.
Youwerethesummer
inher
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winterofverse.
Yourswasthemelody
shewantedtolearn;
itclungtoherlips,
insilenceityearned.
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Itseemsasthoughnow,
youforgoteveryword;
inafieldfullofflowers,
shewasthefirst.
Thereoncewasasong
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youremindedherof—
shenolongerlongs,
yetshestillloves.
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TwoFishermen
A girl came upon afisherman at the water’sedge and watched as hecasthisnet into thewide,open sea. On closerinspection, she noticedhow all the knots that
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usuallyheldanettogetherwereunknotted.
“Why do you throw aknotless net into thewater?”sheasked.
“Iwanttocatchallfishinthe ocean,” he replied.“ButtherearenoneIwishtokeep.”
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She walked on a littlefurther and came acrossanother fisherman,holdingasimpleline.Shestudied him quietly as hereeledhiscatch in,beforereturning it to the water.After he repeated thisseveral times, the girlasked him, “Why do youcatch them just to throw
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themback?”
“There is only one fish Iwant to catch and so, nootherholdsmyinterest.”
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Shipwrecks
Thewildseasfor
whichshelonged,
layfarbeyond
theshore.
Theshipwreck
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thatherlipshad
sung,meantshe
neverleftatall.
Itwasn’t’til
thetidehadwon,
thatshe
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learneditcouldnot
hurther.
Itwasthefurthest
shehadgone—
andsheneverwent
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muchfurther.
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AnArtistinLove
Idrewhiminmyworld;
Iwritehiminmylines,
Iwanttobehisgirl,
hewas
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nevermeantasmine.
Idrewhiminmyworld;
Heisalwaysonmymind;
Idrawhiseveryline.
Ithurts
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whenhe’sunkind.
Idrewhiminmyworld;
Idrawhimallthetime,
butIdon’tknowwhere
todrawtheline.
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FalseHope
I don’t know if I wantyou, he says. But I doknowIdon’twantanyoneelsetohaveyou.
It wasn’t good enough, Iknewthat.HonestlyIdid.Inmymind itwascrystalclear. My heart however,
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washavingaseriouscaseofselectivehearing.Allitheardwas,Idon’twantanyone else to haveyou. And within that—wasaglimmerofhope,asparkofoptimism.
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ACautionaryTale
There is a girlwhoneverreturns her library books.Don’t giveher your heart—it is unlikely you willeverseeitagain.
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Afterthought
ThoughtsIthinkofpresently,
willcomeandgowithease—
whilethoughtsofyou,fromlong
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before,haveyetto
maketheirleave.
ThememoryofyouandI,
stillfindsmehereandnow;
tomorrow
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hasarrivedandgone—
yetyourvoicetome,resounds.
Forifmypresentwereanechoof,
apastI
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can’tforget—
Thenthesethoughtsarejust
anafterthought—
andIamalwaysinitsdebt.
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Grounded
Thelittlebirdswhodream
offlight;whogaze
intothestarry
night.
Theirtired
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wingsfolddown
andup;theytry
theirbestbutitisnot
enough.
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TheVeryThing
I often wonder why wewant so much, to giveothers the very thing thatwe were denied. Themother working tirelesslyto provide her child withaneducation;thelittleboy
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whowasbulliedinschoolandisnowaNobelPrize-winning advocate forpeace. The author whowrites happy endings forthecharactersinherbook.
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Forewarned
If a boy ever says, youremindmeofsomeone—don’t fall in love withhim. You will never beanything more thansecondbest.
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MixedMessages
Thequestionsyouhadneverasked
werethingsyouwereafraidtoknow;
everything
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thathascometopass,
you’vemadethemalluponyourown.
Therearemanywordsyouneversaid,
thatothersdreamedyou
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somedaywould;eachofus
forallourdays—
willliveourlivesmisunderstood.
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Masquerade
As a writer, there is aninclination to step insidesomeone else’s shoes, toget under their skin andsee the world throughtheir eyes. In many suchscenarios, I have slippedinto these roles with the
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greatestofease—thenoutagain with the samedexterity.
That was until I foundmyself in character,playing the girl who fallsin love with you. It wasthen the line betweenfantasy and reality were
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soblurredthatInolongerknewwhoIwas.
Yet, there was clearly apoint when my role waswellandtrulyover.WhenI had gone above andbeyond the requiredwordcount. Where I hadexhausted every newangle or approach there
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wastowritingourstory.
I know it’s over, I reallydo.Iknowithasbeenforquitesometime.It’sover,yet my heart still feelsyou.Youareamemorytomenow,butmymindstillthinks of you. What wehadwasfinishedlongago
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—yet the words will notstopflowing.
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ChangeofHeart
Youwerefaultless
Iwasflawed,
Iwaslesser
yetyou
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gavemore.
Nowwithtime,Ifindyouonmy
mind—
PerhapsIlovedyou,
afterall.
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Reasons
IwishIknewwhyheleft.What his reasons were.Whyhechangedhismind.
Foralltheseyears,Ihaveturned it over inmyhead—all the possibilities—yetnoneofthemmake
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anysense.
And then I think, perhapsit was because he neverlovedme.But thatmakestheleastsenseofall.
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AllThereWas
Mygreatestlessonlearnt,
youweremineuntilyouweren’t.
Itwasyouwho
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taughtmeso,thegracein
lettinggo.
Thetimewehadwasall—
therewasnotamomentmore.
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PenPortrait
Shedoesn’tkeeptime,
soshestoppedwearingwatches.
Herpromisewon’tbind,
sonoone
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holdshertothem.
Shelivesinthepast,
soherpresentnevercatches—
Herthoughtsdonotlast,
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soherpenmusttattoothem.
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MusicalChairs
When the music stoodstill, I was standing at anemptychair.
I could feel you smilingbehind me. (We sensethese things while
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dreaming.)
Your hands were on myshoulders, your kissesagainstmyneck.
Then from somewhere,the music of a piano asshe sings to Mozart, noonewilleverknowmethewayyoudo.
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TellMe
Tellmeifyouevercared,
ifasinglethought
formewasspared.
Tellmewhenyoulieinbed,
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doyouthinkofsomething
Ioncesaid.
Tellmeifyouhurtatall,
whensomeonesays
mynamewithyours.
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Itmayhavebeensolongago,
butIwouldgive
theworldtoknow.
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BeachBall
Doyouknowthatfeeling?Whenit’slikeyou’velostsomething but can’trememberwhatitwas.It’sasthoughyou’retryingsodesperately to think of awordbutitwon’tcometoyou. You’ve said it a
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thousandtimesbeforeandit was always there—rightwhereyouleftit.Butnow you can’t recall it.Youtryandtrytomakeitappearanditalmostdoes,butitneverdoes.
There are times when Ithink it could surface
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—when I sense it at thetipofmy tongue.When Ifeel it struggling to burstfrom my chest like abeachballthatcanonlybeheldbeneaththewaterforsolong.
I can feel it stirring eachtime someone hurts me.
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WhenIsmileatastrangerandtheydon’tsmileback.When I trust someonewith a secret and theybetrayme.WhensomeoneIadmiretellsmeIamnotgoodenough.
Idon’tknowwhatit isorwhat I have lost. But Iknow it was important, I
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know it once made mehappy.
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Amends
Iwonderiftherewillbeamorning when you’llwakeupmissingme.Thatsome incident inyour lifewould have finally taughtyou the value of myworth.Andyouwillfeelasurge of longing, when
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you rememberhow Iwasgoodtoyou.
When this day comes Ihopeyouwilllookforme.Ihopeyouwill lookwiththekindofconviction I’dalways hoped for, butnever had from you.Because I want to befound.And I hope it will
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beyou—whofindsme.
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TheMost
Youmaynotknow
thereasonwhy,
foratimeIwasn’tI.
Therewasaman
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whocameandwent,
onhimeverybreath
wasspent.
I’msorryIforgot
allelse—itwasthe
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mostIeverfelt.
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History
In the beginning, I wroteto you and you wroteback. For the first time, Ihad something worthwritingabout.
Then somewhere duringour correspondence, I
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deviated—and instead ofwriting to you, I beganwritingforyou.Therewasso much to say, things Icouldn’t tell you and Isenseditwasimportanttoput them downsomewhere. Forinherently, mankind iscompelled to record their
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greatest moments inhistory and you weremine.
I don’t write to youanymore. Nor do I writefor you. But I do write—and every word stillachesforyou.
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TheDream
Isawadreamlonglostto
me,insearchofanother’s
waking.
Itfoundashoreline
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farawayastheday
—asmy
heart,was
breaking.
AndIsighedandwept
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forwhatcouldnotbe—
andforallthatcould
havebeen,
Foreveryhopeandevery
prayerlong
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drownedbeneaththe
sea.
Ifelltosleepalonethat
night,tothe
soundofadistant
call.
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Thefaintestwhisper
ofgood-bye—
andthedreamwasmine,nomore.
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WishingStars
Istillsearchforyouin
crowds,inempty
fieldsandsoaring
clouds.
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Incitylights
andpassingcars,
onwindingroads
andwishingstars.
Iwonderwhere
youcould
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benow,foryears
I’venotsaidyourname
outloud.
Andlongersince
Icalledyoumine—
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timehaspassed
foryouandI.
YetIhavelearned
tolivewithout,
Idonot
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mind—Istilllove
youanyhow.
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ForeverforNow
Stretchingoutfromheretothen,
daysbeforeus,
cameandwent.
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Somedaywewillmeetagain,
fornowtheend—
ofdaysonend.
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NostalgiaforToday
Do you remember whatyouoncesaidtome?
One day youwill benostalgicfortoday.
At the time, I couldn’t
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begintoconceiveafuturewithout you—I believedwithallmyheartweweredestined for each other.And in the back of mymind, I always knew I’dfeel nostalgic for amoment we shared or amemorywe created—butnot once, not even for a
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second—did I imagine itwas you I would benostalgicfor.
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PokerFace
TherewasatimeIwouldtellyou,
ofallthatachedinside;
thethingsIheldsosacred,
toallthe
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worldI’dhide.
Buttheybecameyourweapons,
andslowlyIhavelearnt,
thelessthatissaid,thebetter—
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thelesserI’llbehurt.
Ofallyou’veusedagainstme,
theworsthasbeenmywords.
TherearethingsI’llnevertell
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you,anditis
sadtothinkitso;
themoreyoucometoknowme—
thelessofmeyou’llknow.
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Crosswords
Iwritetobringyoucloser.To imagine your fingerstrailing the curve of myspine. To recall how thespan of your hands wereexactly the width of myhips.Andhowourbodieswouldfall intoeachother
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likewordsonacrosswordpuzzle.Iwritefortherawache in my bones whenthe ink seeps into paper—for the bittersweetsorrow that comes frombringingyouback.
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ForgetMeNot
Thechoicewasonce
yourchoosing,
beforelosing
becamemy
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loss.Iwasthere
inyour
forgetting—untilIwas
forgot.
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MelancholySkies
Threesummerspassed
ofsun-drencheddreams,
ofsnowwhiteclouds
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andyouandme.
Thewarmthoflove,
allsummerlong,
throughwinter’schill
we’dcarryon.
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Eachseason’send
begananew,
untilthelast—
Isharedwithyou.
Theygaveus
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years,though
manyago;thespring
criestears—thewinter,
snow.
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ThePoet
Whydoyouwrite?heasked.
SoIcantakemyloveforyou and give it to theworld,Ireply.
Becauseyouwon’ttakeitfromme.
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Almost
DoyouseehowIlove
himtrue—itcould
havebeenyou.
Asforyouandyour
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loveforshe—itcould
havebeenme.
Butwewereamaybe,
andneveramust—
whenitshouldhave
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beenus.
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He’sForgotten
Timeistowound
likewoundistosuture,
whenshewashispast
andheis
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herfuture.
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Perfect
Hesaidtome“You’reperfect,
andIwantyoutobemine.”
ButIfeltIwasn’tworthy
andtobeperfect,I’llneed
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time.
Iknewitwouldbeworthit,
IcouldbebetterifItried,
thenhegottiredofwaiting—
andI
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watchedmychancegoby.
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Minefield
If you know a boy witheyesofquietwonderment,who smiles often andspeaks rarely—someonewhopaysthesamerespectto words as he would aminefield—who thinksdeeply and is endearingly
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sad—please do not giveyour heart to him. Evenwhen he gently pleadswith you—or clutchesyour hand with graveearnest—no matter howhe tries to convince you,please turn him away.Youdon’tknowhimlikeIknowhim.Youcan’tlove
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himlikeIdo.
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ASadFarewell
ForallthetimeI’veknownyou,
tothepresent—nowourpast;
Iknownevertoforget
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you;though
regretstillpainsmyheart.
HadIknown,Iwouldnothaveleftyou,
alonebeneaththosestars,
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onthenightwhenIlastsawyou,
notknowingitwasthelast.
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Regrets
Timing is irrelevantwhentwopeoplearemeant for eachother. It’s what I oncebelieved.
Butwemetduringa timewhen I was such a mess,
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when I still had so muchtofigureout.HowcouldIhave known how crucialevery word, every actionwas or how losing youwould be something Iwouldalwaysregret?
If only you could havemet me now, howdifferentitwouldbe.How
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much I have changed.How I have grown. Ilearned so much from allthe mistakes I made withyou. I just wish I hadmade themwith someoneelse.
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OdetoSorrow
Hereyes,aclosedbook,
herheart,alockeddoor;
shewritesmelancholy
likeshe’s
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liveditbefore.
Sheoncelovedinaway,
youcouldnotunderstand;
heleftherinpieces
andapeninherhand.
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Theodetohersorrow
inthelifeshehasled—
herscratchesonpaper,
thewordstheyhavebled.
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RememberingYou
The day you left, I wentthrough all my oldjournals, franticallylooking for the firstmentionofyou.Searchingfor any details I can nolongerrecall—anymorsel
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of information that mayhave been lost to mysubconscious. Thememory of you is fading,alittleatatime,andIcanfeel myself forgetting. Idon’twanttoforget.
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Love’sParadox
Thereisatidethatrollsaway,
Iwanttomakeitstay.
Aborrowedbooksitsonmy
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shelf,Iwantit
formyself.
Therearetwooldhands
thatmovethisclock,
Iwanttomakethemstop.
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Thereisaloveyousoldtome,
Ikeepitunderlock—
andyetyouholdthekey.
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AGhost
Hisvoiceinthisroom,
likeshadowsonwalls;
Iimaginehimon
theother
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sideofthedoor.
Hisvoice,hishands,histouch,
atthestart,theend,
andinthemiddle.
Strangehowit
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matteredsomuch,
whennowitmatters
solittle.
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LosingYou
I used to think I couldn’tgo a day without yoursmile.Withouttellingyouthings and hearing yourvoiceback.
Then,thatdayarrivedandit was so damn hard butthe next was harder. I
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knew with a sinkingfeelingitwasgoingtogetworse,andIwasn’tgoingtobeokayforaverylongtime.
Because losing someoneisn’t an occasion or anevent. It doesn’t justhappen once. It happensoverandoveragain.Ilose
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you every time I pick upyour favorite coffeemug;wheneverthatonesongplaysontheradio,orwhen I discover your oldt-shirtatthebottomofmylaundrypile.
I lose you every time Ithink of kissing you,holding you, or wanting
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you. I go to bed at nightandloseyou,whenIwishI could tell youaboutmyday.And in themorning,whenIwakeandreachfortheemptyspaceacrossthesheets,Ibegintoloseyoualloveragain.
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TheEnd
“Idon’tknowwhattosay,”hesaid.
“It’sokay,”shereplied,“Iknowwhatweare—andIknow
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whatwe’renot.”
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Encore
ExcerptsfromLove&
Misadventure
AlsobyLangLeav
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Availablewhereallgoodbooksaresold
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Angels
It happens like this. Oneday you meet someoneandforsome inexplicablereason, you feel moreconnected to this strangerthan anyone else—closerto them than your closestfamily. Perhaps because
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this person carries anangel within them—onesent to you for somehigher purpose, to teachyouanimportantlessonortokeepyou safeduring aperilous time. What youmust do is trust in them—eveniftheycomehandin hand with pain or
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suffering—the reason fortheir presence willbecomeclearinduetime.
Thoughhere is awordofwarning—you may growto love this person butremember they are notyours to keep. Theirpurpose isn’t to save you
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but to show you how tosave yourself. And oncethis is fulfilled, the halolifts and the angel leavestheir body as the personexits your life. They willbe a stranger to you oncemore.
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It’s so dark right now, Ican’tseeanylightaroundme.That’sbecausethelightiscoming from you. Youcan’t see it but everyoneelsecan.
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Souls
When two souls fall inlove, there isnothingelsebut the yearning to beclose to the other. Thepresence that is feltthrough a hand held, avoice heard, or a smileseen.
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Souls do not havecalendars or clocks, nordo they understand thenotionoftimeordistance.They only know it feelsright to be with oneanother.
This is the reason whyyou miss someone somuch when they are not
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there—even if they areonly in the very nextroom. Your soul onlyfeels their absence—itdoesn’t realize theseparationistemporary.
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CanIaskyousomething?
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Anything.Why is it every time wesay good night, it feelslikegood-bye?
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ADream
As the Earth beganspinning faster and faster,wefloatedupwards,handslocked tightly together,eyes sad and bewildered.We watched as our facesgrewyoungerandrealizedtheEarthwas spinning in
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reverse, moving usbackwardsintime.
Then we reached a pointwhere I no longer knewwho you were and I wasgrasping the hands of astranger. But I didn’t letgo.Andneitherdidyou.
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Ihadmyfirstdreamaboutyoulastnight.Really?She smiles.Whatwasitabout?Idon’t rememberexactly,but the whole time I wasdreaming, I knew youweremine.
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RoguePlanets
As a kid, I would countbackwards from ten andimagine at one, therewould be an explosion—perhapscausedbyarogueplanet crashing intoEarthor some other major
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catastrophe. Whennothinghappened,I’dfeelrelieved and at the sametime,alittledisappointed.
I think of you at ten; thefirsttimeIsawyou.Yoursmileatnineandhowitlitup something insideme Ihad thought long dead.Your lipsat eightpressed
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againstmineandatseven,your warm breath in myear and your handseverywhere. You tell meyou lovemeat six andatfivewehaveourfirstrealfight.Atfourwehaveoursecond and three, ourthird. At two you tell meyou can’t go on anylonger and then at one,
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youaskmetostay.
And I am relieved, sorelieved—and a littledisappointed.
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SeaofStrangers
Inaseaofstrangers,
you’velongedtoknowme.
Yourlifespentsailing
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tomyshores.
Thearmsthatyearn
tosomedayholdme,
willachebeneath
theheavyoars.
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Pleasetakeyourtime
andtakeitslowly;
asallyoudo
willrunitscourse.
Andnothing
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elsecantake
whatonly—wasalways
meantassolely
yours.
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Closure
Liketimesuspended,
awoundunmended—
youandI.
Wehadnoending,
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nosaidgood-bye.
Forallmylife,
I’llwonderwhy.
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Acknowledgments
Thank you to my agent,Al Zuckerman, for hisinvaluable guidance andwonderfulsupport.
To Kirsty Melville andher passionate team atAndrews McMeel, forsendingmybooksoutinto
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theworld.
ToalltheamazingpeopleIhavehadthepleasureofmeetingonmybooktours(you knowwho you are),thank you forworking sotirelessly behind thescenesandformakingmefeel so welcome on myvisits.
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Tomyfamilyandfriends,itgoeswithoutsayingthatIwouldn’tbeherewithoutyour love andencouragement.
ToOllieFaudet,wholikescows and makes melaugh.
And last, but definitely
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not least—a very specialthank you to all of mybeautiful readers. Yourunwavering support andkind words inspire meeveryday.
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AbouttheAuthor
The work of poet andartist Lang Leav swingsbetween the whimsicaland woeful, expressing acomplexity beneath itschildlikefacade.
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Lang is a recipient of theQantas Spirit of YouthAward and a prestigiousChurchillFellowship.
Her artwork is exhibitedinternationally and shewas selected to take partin the landmark PlayboyRedux show curated bythe Andy Warhol
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Museum.
She currently lives withher partner andcollaborator,Michael,inalittlehousebythesea.
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IndexLostWords
Chapter1-DuetAnd/OrAPhoneCallAPilgrimageClocksDéjàVu
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DevotionEntwinedHerWordsHe’sLeavingHisKissIfMyLifeWereaDayKeysLovingYouLullabies
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MementosMessageinaBottleMetamorphosisMorethanLoveMyHeartNoOtherOverMyHeadPassingTimePatience
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SadThingsSecondChancesSignpostsStayTheSeventhSeaThoughtsofYouTsunamisUsWellWishes
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WhenYouChapter2-InterludeDumplingsNostalgiaThatNightTheDinnerGuestTheGardenTheProfessor
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VaniaChapter3-FinaleACautionaryTaleAcceptanceAfterthoughtAGhostALetterAllThereWasAlmost
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AlwayswithMeAmendsAnArtistinLoveASadFarewellAWinterSongBeachBallBrokenHeartsChangeofHeartConcentricCircles
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CrosswordsDeadPoetsDespondencyDyslexiaEdgar’sGiftEpilogueFadingPolaroidFairyTalesFalseHope
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ForeverforNowForewarnedForgetMeNotForYouGroundedHe’sForgottenHistoryKarmaLivingaLie
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LosingYouLove’sInceptionLove’sParadoxMasqueradeMelancholySkiesMinefieldMixedMessagesMusicalChairsNostalgiaforToday
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OdetoSorrowPenPortraitPerfectPokerFacePretextReasonsRegretsRememberingYouShipwrecks
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SoundtracksTellMeTheDreamTheEndTheMostThePoetTheVeryThingThoughtsThreeQuestions
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TimeTwoFishermenUnrequitedWishingStarsWoundedEncoreADreamAngelsClosure
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RoguePlanetsSeaofStrangersSouls
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PostedPoemsisauniquepostalservicethatallowsyoutosendyourfavoriteLangLeavpoemtoanyone,anywhereintheworld.Allpoemsare
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printedonheavyweightartpaperandencasedinabeautifulstring-tieenvelope.TosendaPostedPoemtosomeonespecialvisit:langleav.com/postedpoems
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LULLABIEScopyright©2014byLangLeav.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseofreprintsinthecontextofreviews.
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AndrewsMcMeelPublishing,LLCanAndrewsMcMeelUniversalcompany1130WalnutStreet,KansasCity,Missouri64106www.andrewsmcmeel.com
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ISBN:978-1-4494-6293-2LibraryofCongressControlNumber:2014941351EbookdesignedbyKristenLiszewskiTheFellTypesaredigitallyreproducedby
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IginoMarini.www.iginomarini.comATTENTION:SCHOOLSANDBUSINESSESAndrewsMcMeelbooksareavailableatquantitydiscountswithbulkpurchaseforeducational,business,orsales
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promotionaluse.Forinformation,pleasee-mailtheAndrewsMcMeelPublishingSpecialSalesDepartment:[email protected].
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CheckouttheseothergreattitlesfromAndrews
McMeelPublishing!
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TableofContents
Lullabies
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TableofContents
Lullabies