Setting Limits with Children

Setting Limits

All children need limits set They all need guidance and boundaries

Limits can provide security and structure if done in a supportive manner

The goal is to help children develop internal judgment so they can guide themselves At a later age you don’t have to be

setting external restraints or external limits

Help children become thinkers so, if necessary, they can challenge rules later in life when they disagree

Setting Limits Help Us

Manage a child’s experimentation They need to explore within boundaries

– whether it’s a two-year-old or a four-year-old or a six-year-old

Deal with an immediate situation such as a tantrum when a child does not get the snack they wanted

Goals in Setting Limits

Create a sense of self If every need is expected to be met or if

all you experience are just punitive actions with hitting and spanking and isolation, this is going to affect your self-image – how you view yourself – and it’s going to affect the very definition of boundaries and of having a clear sense of where I end and someone else begins.

Goals in Setting Limits

Create a sense of self - Understand other people’s perspective (Theory of Mind) The child whose expectations are never

confronted with limits doesn’t develop a separation of where he ends and the rest of the world begins. This child expects the world to be part of him. Mom and Dad don’t have needs; only he has needs

Goals in Setting Limits

Create a sense of self Through back-and-forth interactions

where the child is constantly experimenting with the “me,” the “I,” the “self,” doing things to the other and getting feedback and getting reactions (including limits)

When no limits are set!

Can lead to fears and anxieties (a lack of security).

The lack of a response and a lack of limits may leave a child to be scared of anger and scared that anger can be too destructive because there’s no feedback early in life.

Too many or harsh Limits

If the feedback is overly punitive it can lead to a child who’s too scared to be assertive and his sense of an assertive sense of self is compromised

If the feedback is overly aggressive, verbally or physically, it will increase the child’s aggressive behavior

Earn the right!

Give more to Expect more! Discipline and setting limits are something you

earn the right to have. You earn that right by providing enough

nurturance , love, compassion, and Floortime! Floortime: Following your child’s lead allows

them to really feel you’re part of their universe, part of their life making them more responsive to your limits

The child needs to feel secure and confident that you’re there, that you’re in their corner to learn from your limits

Earn the right!

Children, when feeling secure, want your respect! This happens early as they come to

understand the difference between an admiring, approving look and a negative look.

Occurs between 12 and 24 months of life; it’s not something you have to wait to have until the child is four years old.

Establish a Positive Relationship

Have Fun!Show interest and enthusiasm in child’s interests

Listen, don’t judge or lecture

Sympathize and Empathize

Every Child is Unique

Discipline has to be tailored to the child’s personality,

to their emotional and sensory profile

Most children are sensitiveBe the “Gentile Giant”!

Sensitive Child

Emotional Quick to upset, 0-60, fussy and finicky Small emotional situations have a big

impact, both good and bad. Sensory

Oversensitive in most or all sensory systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement

Sensitive Child

Method needs to be very gentle, persistent, but firm You don’t want to throw fuel on

the fire when the child’s already scared by being loud and too tough.

Active/Aggressive Child

Emotional Angry and aggressive feelings Some are frustrated and highly sensitive in

some areas Others are craving lots of input

Sensory Underreactive to many sensory inputs, and

actively seek them out, especially proprioceptive

May get revved up by getting too much of these inputs

May have one area of overreactivity, like visual

Active Child

You have to be providing alternative ways for the child to be able to use all that energy, all that need for movement You have to have lots of constructive

ways to meet their sensory craving needs (positive emotional experience)

Be there as part of the child’s life and you have to be firmer and sometimes more persistent for longer periods of time until the child gets the idea

Self Involved Child

Emotional Easy going, quiet, passive May be thinking about own creative

fantasies Less social and more introverted

Sensory Under reactive in most or all sensory

systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement

May crave more of these inputs if provided, especially tactile, vestibular, and proprioceptive

Self Involved Child

Use affect to get the point across Child may need some movement and

sensory input in order to regulate and understand the limits that are being set

Defiant Child

Emotional Stubborn, negative, controlling Transitional problems Rigid and clever

Sensory Oversensitive in most or all sensory

systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement

Relatively stronger visual, but weaker auditory processing compared to the sensitive child

Defiant

Make sure you are not overwhelming child

May try using more visuals to help the child understand their limits

Transition may further escalate the child

Non-Verbal Child

Need to calm and regulate when upset

Does not understand logic if working at few first milestones. Punishments are pointless! Think of disciplining an 8 month old

Once child can stay in continuous flow they can understand patterns of gestures Respond to a frown or shaking of the

head

Educate Child if Verbal

You want to always educate the child Reason for the discipline and make

sure those conversations are two-way conversations, where the child gives his point of view and you can give your point of view

What to do

Always calm and soothe and help the child calm down first

Don’t discipline him in the middle of a tantrum

Discuss a little bit what just happened and then if the child has crossed the line and you feel discipline is in order, administer the discipline

What to do

Tough love approach is an extreme Notion that adults are entitled to get

their children’s respect and love and admiration

The children often harbor resentment and it affects their personalities

Avoid isolation or rejection. A child who needs more discipline

often is already feeling rejected and resentful and angry.

What to do – Long Term

Help the child move forward in development (up the milestones)

Improve their motor planning and processing

Improving their language skills or improving their interactive skills gives the child more and more incentive to behave, and more and more tools to use to express themselves

Always Remember

Be Consistent and be Persistent (rather than punitive) Use understanding with persistence

and firmness. Be proportionate: Always modulate

punishment to the crime When you feel you’re losing it,

because you’re only human, take a time out to relax, take a deep breath

Use pretend play or reality based conversations to work through stressful situations