SUNDAY, SEP 28, 2014 01:00 AM ICT

Secrets of the crematory:“Hey, come in here andhelp me get this big guy onthe table”You  won't  be  there  to  realize  what's  happening,  or  what  the  mortician  is  saying.  Here'swhat  you  will  be  missing

CAITLIN  DOUGHTY

ShareShare

TOPICS:  BOOKS,  EXCERPTS,  EDITOR'S PICKS,  DEATH,  CREMATORIUM,  MORTICIANS,  LIFE NEWS

Caitlin Doughty (Credit: YouTube/OrderoftheGoodDeath)

Excerpted from "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes: And Other Lessons From The Crematory"

The day started innocently enough. “Caitlin!” Mike hollered from the preparation room,“Hey, come in here and help me get this big guy on the table.”

293 98 38

Secrets of the crematory: “Hey, come in here and help me get this big guy on the table”

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

follow salon

Email Address SUBSCRIBE

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

BOOK  OF  THE  WEEK

Actually, I remember him saying, “Hey, come in here and help me get this big Mexican onthe table.” But that cannot be right. Mike was always politically correct in histerminology. (He once referred to the victims of Oakland’s gang violence as “young urbanmen of color.”) I have trouble believing “this big Mexican” is not just a trick of mymemory. Regardless, the man we transferred from the stretcher to the prep table wasneither big nor Mexican. He was massive and El Salvadorian, an insurance salesman whoweighed well over 450 pounds. Should you ever wish to understand the phrase “deadweight” in all its gravitational glory, attempt to lift the corpse of a morbidly obese man offof a perilous, wobbly stretcher.

Juan Santos died from an overdose of cocaine. His body went undiscovered for two daysin his apartment in the East Bay. He was autopsied by the medical examiner and his chestsewn back up leaving a dramatic Y-shaped stitch stretching from his clavicle to hisstomach. “Did you catch this guy’s bag of viscera in the back of the reefer?” Mike asked.

“Viscera? All his organs and stuff ?”

“Yeah, the medical examiner takes the organs out and piles them in those red hazmat bags.Comes in to the funeral home with the body.”

“Just, like, tucked up next to ’em or something?” I asked.

Mike grinned. “No, Chris carries them slung over his shoulder like Santa Claus.”

“Really?”

“No, man, no. What the hell—that’s gross,” Mike said.

Ah, Mike in a jovial mood. I tried to play along with his yuletide-themed organ humor.“So that’s where the legend of ‘Chris’ Kringle comes from? Is it the good or bad kids thatget internal organs for Christmas?”

“I guess it depends on how morbid a kid you are.”

“Does it all get put back in the body?”

“Eventually. When Bruce comes in this afternoon to embalm him. There’s a servicetomorrow, so he’ll soak them in embalming sludge and stick them back in,” he explained.

After hoisting Juan onto the table with a theatrical heave, Mike brought out a tapemeasure. “The family bought a casket, too. I’m going to measure him. I hope he fitsbecause I really don’t want to call this family back and tell them they need the oversizedcasket. Maybe I’ll make you do it,” Mike said, smiling at the thought.

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

How  Dan  Savage  lost  it

MARK  OPPENHEIMER

Anal  sex:  Science's  last  taboo

DEBBY  HERBENICK

Was  Gatsby  black?

ELIZABETH  MANUS

Men  can  be  feminists  but  it'sactually  really  hard  work

KATIE  MCDONOUGH

Denver  area  students  walk  out  ofschool  in  protest

COLLEEN  SLEVIN  AND  P.  SOLOMONBANDA,  ASSOCIATED  PRESS

Obama  loses  the  left:  Why  his  lowapproval  rating  may  be  here  tostay

ELIAS  ISQUITH

What  "The  Daily  Show's"Redskins  segment  didn't  show

MARY  ELIZABETH  WILLIAMS

I'm  cheating  on  you  right  now

JANET  STEEN

Near  death,  explained

MARIO  BEAUREGARD

"Straight-­up  propaganda":  FoxNews,  charlatans,  conspiracytheorists  and  the  religiousfanatics  endangering  democracy

JOSEPH  HEATH

U.S.  government  to  Americanpeople:  Stay  away  from  thesecountries

SIMRAN  KHOSLA,  GLOBALPOST

"GETTING  SCHOOLED":  BACKTO  TEACHING  IN  THE  ERA  OF

COMMON  COREBY  LAURA  MILLER

MOST  READ

John  Oliver:  How  is  Ayn  Rand  stilla  thing!?

PRACHI  GUPTA

My  boyfriend  lives  in  a  dumpster

CLARA  BENSEN

The  big  "middle  class"  rip-­off:How  a  short  sale  taught  me  richpeople's  ethics

EDWIN  LYNGAR

FROM  AROUND  THE  WEB

Presented  by  HexagramPresented  by  Hexagram

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

Jimmy  Page  Forming  New  Band,  Says  Led  ZeppelinReunion  'Doesn't  Look  Likely'

'Tetris'  Movie  With  'Big,  Epic,  Sci-­Fi'  Plot  Headed  toHollywood

Kenny  Rogers  Blends  Holiday  and  Country  Classicson  2014  Christmas  Tour

Howard  Stern  Regular  Eric  the  Actor  Rememberedby  DJ  Peter  Rosenberg

Americana  Supergroup  Trigger  Hippy  Release  DebutAlbum

10  Tips  For  Managing  Your  In-­Laws

Can  You  Really  Fall  In  Love  Online?

Woman  Sends  Over  $300K  To  Online  Lover  She'sNever  Met  (VIDEO)

We  Asked  Men  What  Really  Baffled  Them  AboutLady  Parts,  And  This  Is  What  They  Said

In  Annual  Statistics,  Most  Colleges  Claim  ZeroReported  Sex  Offenses

She  Crunches  Data  And  She  Talks  To  Jesus,  AndShe's  Got  A  Message

The  Strange  Things  Women  Used  To  Insert  In  TheirBodies  In  The  Hopes  Of  Avoiding  Pregnancy

People  Asked  Him  If  It  Was  OK  For  White  People  ToHave  Dreadlocks.  Here's  His  No-­B.S.  Response.

Tired  Of  Hearing  About  How  We  Need  To  Help  GirlsAll  The  Time?  Let's  Talk  About  Boys.

Slam  Dunk  Response:  Taylor  Swift  Reacts  To  EmmaWatson's  U.N.  Speech

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

Caitlin Doughty

by TaboolaSponsored Links

Caitlin Doughty is a licensed mortician and writer living in Los Angeles. She is thefounder of The Order of the Good Death and the host of the “Ask a Mortician” webseries.W. W. Norton will publish Caitlin's memoir, "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: And Other Lessonsfrom the Crematory," on September 15. Follow on Twitter at @TheGoodDeath.

MORE  CAITLIN  DOUGHTY.

ShareShare

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE

293 98 38

Secrets of the crematory:“Hey, come in here andhelp me get this big guyon the table” Next Article

See How Citi and Maybank Levera…Microsoft

5 Foods You MUST NEVER E…Reverse My Disease

How To Get A Flat Stomach: This …Lifegooroo

The 5-Second Trick For Disast…TV Newser

9 Things Men Notice First abo…Amerikanki

Top Hourly Rate Calculators for …Freelance Tips

More from Salon We RecommendWe have pubic hair for a reason

A terrifying precedent: Woman to betried for …

How one man destroyed the FoodNetwork: Guy …

Phil Hartman’s greatest sketch ever:Secrets of …

I changed. My wife didn’t

Bill Maher: I won’t watch John Oliver

See How Citi and Maybank Lev… (Microsoft)

Can Your Name Predict Yo… (Women's Life Today)

The 5 Warning Signs Of Pr… (Reverse My Disease)

10 Foods to Eat Every Day for Per… (Amerikanki)

Top 5 Websites that Hire Freelan… (Freelance Tips)

MORE RELATED STORIES

FEATURED SLIDE SHOWS

RELATED VIDEOS

by TaboolaPromoted Links

Ebola Toll Seen Topping 1 Mil (Investors.com)

My feminist dilemmaat the peep show

"This guy might bean a**hole, but he’snot alone": Womanwho penned epicopen letter about

sexual harassmentspeaks out

Duggar daughterblames the

Holocaust onevolution, thencompares it to

abortion

Make Summer MorePoetic with These 10International Works

8 Illustrated Booksfor Every Age and

Every SummerReading List

10 Great ScienceReads That You Can

Take to the Beach

Turn Summer into a

Collections of Non-

PHOTOS  FROM  THE  HAPPY  ENDING  SALON

On Wednesday, September 10th Amanda Stern partnered with Salon torelaunch The Happy Ending Music and Reading Series. We had thepleasure of hosting authors Leslie Jamison, Zadie Smith, and MatthewThomas, artist Edwina White, and musician Emily Wells. Moleskine,Greenlight Bookstore, and Plymouth Gin were event partners.

View Slideshow

1 of 26

About | Advertising | Contact | Corrections | Help | Investor Relations | Privacy | Terms of Service

Copyright  ©  2014  Salon  Media  Group,  Inc.  Reproduction  of  material  from  any  Salon  pages  without  written  permission  is  strictly  prohibited.

SALON  ®  is  registered  in  the  U.S.  Patent  and  Trademark  Office  as  a  trademark  of  Salon  Media  Group  Inc.

Associated  Press  articles:  Copyright  ©  2014  The  Associated  Press.  All  rights  reserved.  This  material  may  not  be  published,  broadcast,  rewritten  or  redistributed.

COMMENTS

Loading Comments...

8  Killed  in  Southern... Rosie... Police  Investigating...