Scraps of Khairul

8/8/2019 Scraps of Khairul

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Scraps of Khairul:Khairuloramas selected experimental articles

http://khairulorama.wordpress.com

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Sekiranya ibu bertanya siapa teman mu nanti? Apa kamu akan jawab ? Si fulan dan sifulan? Si dia sahaja? Pasti kamu bertanya semula kepada diri. Siapa aku untuk dia? Nah,lihat lah diri mu dahulu.

Melihat diri itu seperti mengenal siapa dan apa. Siapa aku, dimana aku berada, adakah

aku sedia.

Melihat diri itu mengenal kelemahan diri, kekuatan hati dan keimanan ke atas Tuhanmu ?

" Excerpt from my coming up novel - Melihat diri "

Painfully difficult to read, even smart guyscouldnt get it Khairul on Khairul

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Content

Life1. The expecting father 42. of little Khairul Jr. 53. The types of eyes discharge 74. Listening to the sound of that song 95. of Kancil and Kompressor 106. What makes you happy? 117. How do you know it is real? 13

Work1. Just Finished 1 year of housemenship 14

2. What does it take to become a doctor ? 153. How much does a doctor really make ? 164. Psychiatric diseases of houseman? 185. How the global recession affect my housemanship life ? 206. Housemanship life in Hosp Serdang 217. Finally a doctor attempted suicide ? 228. of crying medical students 239. The perils of being a doctor? 2410. OnG Postings 2611. Are you out of your mind? 27

Penulisan1. Blogging sebagai methodology dakwah 282. of Modernity, minimalistic and Islamic 293. Tips menghilangkan jerawat 304. What does it to become a leader 315. I love Ungku Aziz 326. Of penjajahan pemikiran 346. Kuasa sebuah penulisan 357. Berapa banyak anda menulis dan membca dalam satu hari? 36

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Family

1. The expecting father

I browsed the facebook pages just to see updates of my friends. To my surprise, insteadof seeing their pictures, I was only seeing their offspring pictures. All of my friendswere having babies, or in the process of getting a baby. All I see was pictures ofnewborns. Well, not all the babies that I see, are of the looks of their parents. God knows,only this much of gene, goes to their babies genetic pool.

And as for me, Nadiah is pregnant at 32 weeks. Anxious to choose the rompers colours( we dont know the sex of the baby yet) , we bought all neutral and unisexual colours green or brown. Hehe. We have planned to buy the baby cot this weekend. Mostprobably, a wooden classical victorian style cot or- the portable and foldable not tomention affordable baby cot. I have not yet made up my mind.

But time flies too fast. I did not realized that I have already become an M.O for almost 3months. I have come to my senses that I need to spend time more with my family. Ishould avoid any extra working hours. I should not compromise family in pursuing mymedical carrier. Its not like we are not earning enough for any food pr jeopardizingour survivability. Just to be chilled this one year and learn to appreciate more of lifegood times. And, these are good times after all.

And as for Nadiah, she had been working very hard at the Klinik Desa PermatangBadak. Juggling mediocrity of house hold chores which are of nuisance- but of greatimportance to me, she comes home occasionally late and exhausted. Trying to learn

more specialties desert,- kari, kukus, masak gulai, bologna, and latest feat lontong yangamat sedap, she had struggled converting and mixing with the unknown flavors suitingto the taste of critically trained tongue of mine. But I am way greatful that, she cooks forme.

Life in Kuantan, has its own pace. Slow.

But our baby is growing fast. Only to realize the fetal kick chart is not enough to becharted. To know that she or he had grown to 1.7kg really delights me. Expecting tolearn more about me and Nadiah through the eyes of our unborn child. I am learningmore of life and love from our expecting child.

Hoping that everything goes well then. Wish us luck.

P/s we have already named the baby. Baby X?

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2. Of little Khairul Jr.

Someday, I gonna have a little Khairul jr.

Weird? Nah.

I like children. Nowdays only. I used to hate children. They are, small, and irresponsible.Like Golum. Yeah, children are like Golum. The one in the, Lord of the Ring. They,aresmall and not-listening-to-whatever-you-have-to-say and then, get-into-troubles.Trueenough, people like me, will try to solve the troubles they are are having. But then, they-get-into-trouble-again.

Well, I used to hate children. But, turn of events, I liked children. I was posted to thePaediatric ward. Before that. I was in Obs and Gynae. See!, I saw the progression ofchild. The growth of the human baby. The maturity of the greatest assets anyone could

have.The one, I will have someday, a Junior Khairul. Freaky hey!

To me, children are the best people in the world. They are weak, and innocent. They are,small and dependant, and they are in need of protection and security. They need to havereally good parents to grow strong and mature.

The problem is that, I dont ever know when will I grow up. I want a child so that, I canplay with him. Duh? I want a child so I can go out and play-run and catch or run-and-run or hide-and-run or what ever that is running. ? I want a child so that, I can teach himto ride a bicycle and then when he falls of I would smile and say try-again. I want a child

so that at night I can say good night to him, and say see you tomorrow.

Everything that revolves around me, is a child life. I want my sons or daughters to haveit.

Therefore, I have to work hard. No, I should work hard.

But you see, the problem is that, working hard requires commitment to work. And, this jeopardizes or you have to haggle bits and stuffs.

I dont want to get back home and see my child had gone to bed without saying goodnight abah. I dont want to see me working as a doctor fuh-yoo, and see my child is

failing in exams and getting big C's for maths.

It defeats the hold purpose of commitment to a job.

But, its hard to see your child failing. Its hard. How I know this? I dont know how.

All. I know that, when you put your trust to your child he would grow and take it.

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Well , one thing for sure I want to have Khairul jr. See him smiling, crying andawakened me form my deepest precious sleep so that I make his milk at 3 am, bringinghim to the doctor so that he could get an mc and doesn't have to go to school, and seehim succeed so that I could die in peace.

May be that is why people sacrifice. Because of the child and partly due to relations.

Things are going good for me; I have a good education, a life, a noble work, and acontract of working for another 10 years.

So probably, Khairul jr. is good then.

Yeah, Khairul Jr.

P/s: I dont know what to name him after, Khairul jr. would be good for now.

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3. The types of eye discharge

I was intrigued, when I read this post from, Jenis-jenis air mata in her blog. The typesof eyes discharge or crying . And I was wondering about these, Kata Ibnu Qayyim 10 Jenis Tangis

So I took the time to describe the same piece in me

1. Menangis kerana kasih sayang & kelembutan hati.

You feel sad when you see, another failure to thrive child in the ward and got beaten,emotionally deprived by their parents.You feel extremely sad, by the infamous notorious child abuse, and leaving babies industbins, longkang, and mosque.That sadness when seeing that young boy selling kuih with her mother, seeing themhappily smiling.

2. Menangis kerana rasa takut .You feel that, extreme inadequacy when confronting your God . Remembering thatsong, Wahai Tuhan ku tak layak ke syurga mu, namun pula aku takut ke syurga mu - capturethat ironic feeling of afraid and wanting to be there.

That, nothingness you are after reading Hawkings a brief history of time. You arereally nothing compare to the universe that Allah created. How little you are.

Insignificant being.

Wondering whether your taubat is accepted.Feeling of afraid, after not being able to responsibly, or irresponsible of ; forgetting to askthat fundamental question to establish that must-exclude-diagnosis, and performinginadequate physical examination, and ordering reckless investigations just to siap-kanlah attitude.

Crying after the exam, wondering whether youll pass or not, or feeling unable toanswer that kacang question.That super duper alamak.

3. Menangis kerana cinta.Crying whether that one person will be there for you, and still be there. Wonderingwhether that one person will wait or not.

Having to cry with that bliss feeling, when that one person saying yes to you finally.

Wondering whether you will get to see your parents again before leaving to your studyplace.

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4. Menangis kerana gembira.That endorphic feeling of achievements and sweet success after that long gruelingpostings ordeal.

Feeling that success. Feeling that you have help enough.

Listening to Make a memory by Bon Jovi, after talking with your friends about thingsyou have done at your high school.Having to cry and laugh seeing your life retrospectively. Herm and huhu.

5 .Menangis kerana menghadapi penderitaan.That before-exam-dilemma after listening Hero by Mariah Carey, make you feel strongbut still crying.

6 . Menangis kerana terlalu sedih.

That sadness engulfing your existence eating you up bit by bit , making you feel lostagain and again . That, lost in faith, having no hope, and eternal gloom youll seeingwhen you wake up the next day tomorrow.That, detached from friends and wanting to be alone but still, anger and sadness in onemoment in time.

That, guilt and tiredness of living.

7 .Menangis kerana terasa hina dan lemah. Never or not yet.8 .Menangis untuk mendapat belas kasihan orang. Never9. Menangis kerana mengikut-ikut orang menangis. Out of context10. Menangis orang munafik pura-pura menangis.I wonder whether those I have bold were truly the crying hear. It cynical, isnt. Cryingcomes from the heart. Yes it does. But why do we cry? Why?

..dan bahawasanya Dia lah yang menjadikan orang tertawa dan menangis. (AnNajm : 43)

Enough said.

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4. Listening to the sound of that song

Im not an avid listener of nasyid, because sometimes I just feel that, the people whosings them are just a total hypocrite. I may be wrong but, at least there are possibilitiesthat Im right. Look at what happened to people like Brothers, and groups like your highschool nasyid group.

There a lot more truth in songs that other people sings.

To me, songs shouldnt be something yang melaghakan. Songs should be of humanity,of universal truth, of spirits and motivations. Songs should be inspiring, and crossingthat stereotyped border. Song should not be of propaganda and of materilistic,hedonistic and worldly values. Songs should have a heart and that universality ofthoughts.

Songs should be of dignified and truth.Of course, songs are expression of thought, kecewa dan tak mungkinkan menyatu,songs of having no hopes, tiada lagi aku impikan and takkan lagi ku bersama mu. Butthis are values of loving and embracing difficulties. These are expressiong of failure andloss. Again, I must emphasize I may be wrong. Biarkan sahaja sampai disini

And on the other hand, songs of ideas and yes, knowledge. Small time inspirationalwriters of Andalusia, and the stories of Burung hud hud. From the classical teachings ofPachelbel, Habenera. That facial expression of, opera singer singing literally their hearsout. Time to say goodbye and the Pavoritti likes of musics.

But one thing remains of immediate important.

Songs are just words. The immaculate truth is not the absolute truth.

You get what I mean.

I did it my way.

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5. Of Kancil and Kompressor

Do you think, a car makes a man? Yes, I think a car makes a man. Infact, a car definesthe man. Just like what he wears and what he eats. It describes the very nature of a man.It defines the limitations and boundaries of a man. Don't you think so??

I was in the traffic jam last night. It was from Gombak up to my house. Like a 25kmcrawling on knees. How sick is that?

So as I was, crawling the traffic jam, I spotted a glitzy gold colored volvo s40 andanother one of those BMW 3 series. I was, subconciuosly, saying to myself, I'll be buyingone of those one day or another. Like you know what 50 cents said " Get rich or dietryin'" Both cars were also crawling in that super crowded MRR2. I was listening, what asong, bad day or something and I was tired.

Indefinitely, my little mind said to me, "Alah, kete dua-dua itu pun stuck in the jam".Yeah with style. Their cars perfected their styles and attitude. Both of the cars.

You see, I was thinking, why would some rich dude by some RM400,000 just to drive itin the middle of MRR2 with traffics and lorries cramping the shit of it. Why would he dothat?

So, again I answered. The definition of a man is with his car. It reflects perfectionism.

Perfectionism is a state of being. Being outmost perfectly fitted with perfectness. Theseare the peoples who were very determined to show-offs their perfections. Their stylesand status, and their presence.

I was sitting in that Green Little Kancil.

Sometimes it is so true that what you have defines you.

But on the other hand, if you have nothing then you got nothing to lose. Right!. Youhave nothing to lose if really you are dead broke. No money, no children, no family andnothing.

It saves you from the idealistic mind set of materiliasme. Perfectionism is notmaterialism. Although it inclusively define material gains and absolute indicator forperfectionisms.

I would rather say, perfectionism is an attitude of normality.

Normal people work hard. Do you realised that? Normal people understand what isworking hard and taking the shits. Normal people are just ordinary people who aretrying hard at making the most out of it. Yeah, that is my life. A little bit of ikan bilis onthe that, super whopping USD 300.00/per head meal.

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of mere Kancil and the grandious Kompressor.

Well, sometimes everything you have never defines you.

6. What makes you happy?

Ive been asking this question to people lately. What makes you happy? To me its arather difficult question because it demands the truth out of you. Even lying to thisquestion, you will not be happy. The quest of happiness is a truthful one. Honest,sincere, truthful, overjoyed, enlightened all lead to the same final destination of beinghappy.

To me, being happy keeps you alive, and not dead. When you are depressed or feelinglonely, the only thing that can help you is this quest for happiness. It took me 3-4 yearsto think what makes me happy.

So during this search of what makes me happy, I ask people and studied various books

of living the life. You see, this question is an important one. (FYI, 61% of doctors in thewhole world are very unhappy, BMJ) and in Malaysia, about 30% are happy and the restare either, unhappy of neither.

Becoming a doctor, I was trying to understand this basic question. What makes peoplehappy?

Ive found that people are happy, when they are with their family and friends, whenthey are helping people just to smile for one second of the miserable little life, and whenpeople hang out at places the presumed where happiness resides., and people are happywhen they are feelinfg free of outstanding commitments and they are happy, when theyknow that everything is going to be alright.

People are happy, when they lose weights, when the see the person they loved, whenthey hear their children got As is exams, when they know that they can pay for anyaccident happen, when their cars and computers are alrite and when they can go to theloo without having any one to help them, when the know that their cancers have beensuccesfully surgically removed.

People are happy, when they see a smiling malay doctor, when the got on to the lift andwhen, the hear the Azan maghrib, and so much more.. People are happy and at the sametime are unhappy.

So, Ive concluded that happiness is a two way mechanism. Firstly, it must have theperson (internal factors) and secondly, it must have the external factors. Internal factorsare important so that people keep on going, and hoping for things to become better witha sound proof plan and security, and externally, people want things to go on they waythe have planned, and demand for things to happen the way they wanted it to be. Herm.Interesting fact is that, not everything in our humble little life is planned by us, butsomehow or rather we want things to be the way it should or must be.

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So still, the question of what makes you happy is important so that both of these factorremained in a stable, desirable, understandable, secure balance.

If one of these factors is not satisfied, therefore, people will not accept of its hapiness.

What makes me happy?

My happiness is when I have reached my goals or targets. Simple enough not to makeme depressed and achieveble. But on a highr ground, let say my happiness is to have asuccesful life (still within the context of acheving my targets), and somehow or rather Idid not managed to achieve it, therefore Ill regret it for the rest of my life.

Then, I checked with Syed Jaafar, (a friend I trust with Hadiths), so I have yet tounderstand that I lived in these happiness for a long time that I somehow did notmanaged to realised upon its existence.

Remember these, Lima perkara sebelum lima,

1. Sihat sebelum sakit2. Senang sebelum susah3. Kaya sebelum miskin4. Muda sebelum tua5. Hidup sebelum matiI am all these, I am healthy, senang, ada duit, young and alive. Therefore I am happy.

However, after thinking, I see that, Ill become all that. Happy is a timeline. Happy is aperception upon a pre-planned timeline. People dont see this. Hapiness is a perfectsynchronised mechanism to further human existence. Happiness is a delicate balance ofwhat you have now and what you will lost later. Happiness is working hard andacheieved what you have plan.

and right now, I am happy because I have achieved everything.

30:15Then those who have believed and worked righteous deeds, shall be made happy in aMead of Delight.

Then what makes you happy?

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7. How do you know its real?

How do you know its real? It is a question of understanding and cognitive evalution.

How do you percept the stimulus under certain conditions and limited knowledge. Howdo you know the people over the telephone line is someone you know. The answer is;Youll just never know.

Why? Because you and I are humanly creatures. We do not posses the understanding ofsomeone else. We do not have the same dreams. We understand things differently.

We see differently. We fear.

To understand this, how do you know its real? question. Theres three possibilities ofthe outcome.

1. You try and error2. You just go away.3. You predict!

The first two are for people who are obviously paranoid of stimuli. Ill use the thirdmethod.

Prediction is the power that human have. Youre frontal, parietal and temporal lobe arepowerful to predict the future of the outcome. Therefore, this is the definitive tool foryou to understand how do you know its real?

Infact, this is the only method that scientifics studies are based upon.

But, theres a catch to it. You can only predict when you have understand it. How tounderstand something that you are not aware of? Thats a different question. Youll haveto read and think deeply. That is when you the answer to the question how do youknow its real?

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Work

1. Just finished 1 year of housemanship

Can u imagine, two years of housemanship ? thats was my initial remark to Abah.

Its all part of the training ! Abah calmly replied

Its more of a kuli job than training! I blatantly answered. Ill be wasting my live , taking bloods , seeing clients , and running for this and that

! The system should be changed! Doctors are trained to think therefore teach themhow to think! Doctors are trained to react in the most critical minutes then teach themhow to? Not some mindless, craving need to know blood investigations

It been one year of housemen ship already .

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2. What does it take to become a doctor?

1. Hardwork2. Hardwork3. Hardwork4. More hardwork..

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3. How much does a doctor really make?

I never really put into effort of getting the numbers right. The fact that, I became adoctor was a genuine one. I was actually realizing the dreams of my mother. I lead asimple fact of life . Study hard, and study hard.

I was comparing the earnings of nurses and doctors in Malaysia. Nurses earn more thandoctors do. And thats a fact .I had to find some resources in comparing the earnings of adoctor in Malaysia and other places around the world. I am still grateful for the1Malaysia government doctors earning scheme though.

Generally, a normal doctor would earn roughly about RM 40K per year ~ + perks hereand there another RM 6 K and oncalls about peanuts RM 6 K so totalling to RM 52K . These numbers are way far from the U.S/ U.K or our downway neighbour Singapore.

But let us break it into hours RM 100 for 24 hours ~ RM 4.00/ hr Oncalls- see peanutsagain.

**

In terms of studying, Ill break it down. In total it takes about 10 years to become adoctor.1. Form 3 -5 which include two major public exams PMR and SPM2. Matriculation or STPM one Major exam3. First till Fifth Year in total is about 2 major exams with numerouscontinuous assessments~ RM 60 000 monthly about RM 1 K.I still dont have the exact number of the money my parents spent on my studying.

***

Therefore, I think there is a need for the government to study or make some changes /revised on the earning of doctors and healthcare professionals. Roughly per hoursdoctors are making -

Monday 8 am to 5pm ~ 10 -12 hours per dayTuesday 8 am t0 8am ~ 24 hoursWednesday 8am to 5 pm ~ 10-12 hours per dayThursday 8 am to 5 pm ~ 10-12 hours per dayFriday 8am to 8am~ 24 hoursSaturday 8am to 2 pm ~ 6 hoursSunday 8am to 2pm ~ 6 hours* these only accounts if I am having 2 -3 oncalls per weeks

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= 90-95 hours per week ~ crazy .. coming to 100 hours per weekper months would be about = 350 400 hours per month ~ RM 10-11/ hr.. heheNormal doctors should earn at least RM 8000 RM 9000 per months, or make it RM20/hr.Our working hours a way long, and away from family. For example, on oncalls 24 + 8

hours more usually I come back from post call at 6.00 pm The post call off is a LIE .The significance of this, is that, literally doctors serves a consultant in regards to thehealthcare of personal health. Their presence would mean , reduction in the burden ofdisease or so. We help the nation to become healthy.

But on the hand, doctors are just way dumb. Working their a** for people; earning -lessand full of responsibility .. hehe funny world. life is unfair like always.. never get yourcut.

* on the other hand , normal medical resident in U.S works about 80 hours per weekearning way more than we do.

I quote Stand up! http://standup.blogspirit.com/

So, the next time a doctor saves a life, intubates a premature baby, repairs an openfracture, conducts CPR and revive a dead, runs like a headless chicken for group andcrossmatch blood, cries with a relative when a patient dies, protects an assault patientfrom gang rivals, delivers a baby of a complicated pregnancy, gets stuck in op theatre for8 hours for a kidney transplant, or even muster a SMILE to a patient after working 35hours non stop.

WRITE THAT IN THE F*CKING PAPERS!!

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6. Relationship dynamics- most of the time, youll be in the hospital. You ll be losing contact even with yourbeloved parents. Specialist keep on giving the ideas that patient are more important thatyour own family members because they are saving their own butts.

So how to cope with all these problems?Ill be posting these later.

-The Hippocratic Oath,To consider dear to me, as my parents, him who taught me this art; to look upon hischildren as my own brothers, to teach them this art.

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5. How the global recession affects my housemanship life?

You see, when I was a student studying, I did not understand the impact of recession tomy personal life. I was on a scholarship + my parents gave me some spending money..

Now, already working in the the government sector, being a doctor in hospital, Irealized that the recession really affect the whole hospital comunity.

I was thinking the solutions for a hospital to save money

1. Patient care- usage of consumable such as, gauze, cottons, and bandages should be optimized- certain unnecessary investigation should not be done

- better understanding of patient therefore, pt care is more on clinical and experienceinstead of the aloud spoken Evidence- based medicine . Not everything evidence-based should be apply in local settings- taking more history of patients therefore provide reliable directions towardsinvestigations- using more of generic drugs, but optimization to a better dose, not solely depending onimported drugs- using resources effectively, oxygens, electricity, water and air- conditioned

2. Doctors- should transfer cases to available hospital, so that local resources are not over used and

compromise other patients- admitting only necessary cases, based on clinical + reliable investigation- using equipment such as X ray/ U/S more effective e.g not making unnecesseryinvestigations and minimal- make patient pay for their blood investigations- effective planning with a good back up plan

.. may be thats all for now..Good luck everyone

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6. Housemanship in Hosp Serdang..

Its a bout time for me to tell about the little life in Hosp Serdang.

Ive done my OnG rotation, its tough but hey! I am still here. Now Im doing mypaediatrics. Nadiah was in Paeds, now in Ortho.

Being married, living outside the hosp, I guessed its a tough life. Have to wake up asearly as 5.00 am everyday, so that Ill be on time; sometimes could not even finish myown rounds. Having to take care the acute patients. The night before admission.

But for me, its a little more than that, parents are in Hajj, married with Nadiah, takingcare of my brothers and sister, doing oncalls, seeing patients. Its a tough life.

Ill know one day, i ll be looking back to my little snapshots of life, and be laughing and joking with Nadiah when life gets better. I can tell my kids how their mother had to do,one and a half months tagging call. She was so tired..

and, for me the sleepless night, awaiting babies to come out, in the end had made melaugh

long way to go from here. still long way to go.p/s im on leave today!

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7. Finally a doctor attempted suicide

I was waiting for a news like this since I was in 3rd year. A doctor attempted suicide. Why? Heres why?

The link.

Doktor cuba terjun tingkat lima BH, 11 Mac 2008

1.The workload is too demanding. 36 hours non stop.

2.You dont have enough housemen- friends and you only have crappy friends.

3. You have crappy specialist.

4. You dont have time to sort your own problems.

5. You cannot ventilate your feelings cause, again you have crappy friends.

6. Again, crappy specialist.

7. You cannot think because you are being bullied , this and that. Seniors and juniors.

8. You get tired and depressed and then you try to kill your self.

9. And, when you try to kill yourself, you cant, because you remember that your dadand mum sent you to medical school so that you can help people.

10. And, the vicious cycle of feeling depressed and failed suicide continue . Until oneday, you want to let all the things that you have go away, or ending up in psychiatricclinic.

11. Or you take a break, and just laugh about it . Go to Hell all the people that hatedme . (or write it; sublimation) Thats what I do. Mature defense mechanism.

In a hospital, you can see lots and lots of characters, neurotic specialist, god father- likeconsultants, robotic housemens, nice and loving sisters, PMS nurses, good buddy likeMA s, and so on.

It is just who you are hanging with that makes the difference. Easy to say, I am not a H.Oyet.

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8. of crying medical students

Medical students are tough, reliable and robust. They are trained to become housemenand later on M.Os. They are bombarded with so many things to read, memorize, digest,understand, and, of course they are tested time and time again. They learn to talk, towalk and sleep like doctors. They think like physicians and surgeons alike.

But to my deepest conscious, medical students break down along the way. Medicalstudents cry. They tell their stories. They got hammered by lecturers, and even blastedthem as if medical students are just drags. Medical students sometimes could not copewith the pressure and tense feeling. That irritable and jumpy feeling. That jumping offthe bridge feeling. Sigh!

They are often corrected by their lecturers. With good intentions, that they wont makemistakes again. But medical students are just people. We are just people. Nothing more.

Medical students are just people and is not the point.

41 days to end my medical student years.

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9. Of OnG Postings

I remembered that, last year, around the month of Ramadan, I was so depressed and fedup with my studies in general especially OnG. Not that, I dont like OnG, is just that, Iwas probably having some sort of maladaptive disorder, and then developed into adepression.

Life was terribly hard. Its like having no hope at all. No hope at all. You dont reallywant to get up in the morning, and go the ward rounds because, you know, the momentyou entered the wards, its hell. Its like waiting to gobble you up and then spit youaround..

You know that, you have to wait for like 4 hours just to get, to deliver babies, andsomehow or rather luck was never on you side. And, even worst, when you had justfinished drafting that presentation, the lecturer whom, after had been torchering you,not wanting to put down their signature onto that yellow-colored log book after thatgrueling 1 hour super-headache presentation.

Life was hard then. I hated life.

But soon, after the exam, I realized that, Ill be in the hell-hole, again. Of course duringmy fifth year and my houseman years.

So I thought,

Why not enjoy the pain then? Cool off with making really stupid practical jokes, andthen, crying in the middle of the night having God by your side.

Ive been shaken with blood, sweat and tears, (not to mention, fecal matters) but still Iam a Believer.

Seeing Hell in ortho! But then, who the hell cares!

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10. Are you out of your mind?You mindless drone!

I ve been thinking lately that, may be I am out of my mind. I dont want to study, I dontwant to do things, and I dont feel like myself .I reassured myself that, I used to be the best of guys, I play stuff at schools, I went to thenational this and that, but in the end it doesnt really matter. I got such a powerfulprofile, but I am here stuck in a contract, working for the people so that I can live onwith everybit of my dignity.

Sometimes what you really want isnt the right thing for you after all.

I kept on thinking, that why did I put that, Medicine in the UPU form. I put it in thesecond choice.

The first choice was, Biomedical Engineering , I wanted at first to go into such high-techmedicine, tissue engineering, hybrid technologies, implants and devices, but I ended updoing medicine. I wanted to study in Universiti Malaya, and that is how I ended updoing Rehabilitation Medicine in UMMC.

I wanted to be the very best of everything, and I will sacrifice the last bit of myself intoachieving it. The feeling of getting the UM Matric Card makes me feel proud that, I was

there. UM ranked the first in Malaysia, and I wanted to be the best.And now at the end of my MBBS, about 32 days I think, I have this guilt feeling of losing interest in the people . I love Internal Medicine, but Obstetric, I darned this subject verymuch. My foundations are not that strong, and my personality does not fit into thiswomen-laden subject.Again, I wish I had that joy of seeing, the day the letter from UPU came; Permohonananda telah diterima. Anda ditawarkan ke Kulliyyah of Medicine, untuk MBBS Now, itsempty.

I got several scholarships in my hand simulatenously, that time. I got the Petronas, TNB,MMU and several others scholarships. I was offered to study in the American TopUniversities Programs, 10 most prestigious colleges. I was aiming at MIT, and Harvard.The offer latter is still with me. I was supposedly off to the States in about 2 weeks time.

Computer Engineering was always number one, I wanted to built articificial languages,hybrid intelligence, and formulate new mathematical languages, I wanted to be aninventor.

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Why I like people call me WEB! because of that dream, that computer engineeringdream. I wanted to get PhD as soon as possible, just like my dad.

I was a dreamer then. I want to lead the trend. I was dreaming to work in KLCC withPetronas paying me bigtime. Being a nice boss, having nice shoes, nice jackets, nice cars,and a nice 5-figure income. Rayban sunglasses, RM1000 cufflinks, and RM 600 pair ofshoes.

But looking back my life here in Medicine, I only got one distinction, Psychiatry , whenno friends understood it. I didnt get for Internal medicine . I ougta have it. And, I havenothing.

And now, in OnG, I got this two line comment in my first case write up, it readssomething like this;

When you were writing this piece of junk were you in the sound state of mind?

Thats me, that subconcious unease of thoughts reflected in my case write up. I did notknow I am feeling way down, that my writing gives out the impression that I am just another stupid mindless drone.What really happened? I am still figuring it out.

But what do I have to do now?

I kept on saying to friends that, I want to live my dream. They laughed at me. hehemaniac.Ok, we will look and see in 40 years time.

One day I want to tell the people, go to hell with OnG. I wanted to live off my dreams

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9. The Perils of being a doctor

Well, Im very much looking forward to graduate from med school this year. For thelast, 2 years of the clinical years Ive gotten into troubles, got scolded, and most of thetime feeling low.

The stressors, the teachers and lecturers, and the reading perg! no wonder Joanne toldme long time ago, when I was in Matrics, why become a doctor?

And yet, I am going to servem y housemen years, working in Government hospital foranother 10 years. Another 10 years of contract. I wonder whether Ill survive those long

working hours.

But then, hey I had chosen this kind of life!

Working in those, hot and humid whether of Malaysia. I never knew that Ill be become,literally a slave, following orders and listening to consultants craps.

No wonder most people keep on quiting working in the government.

The salary nowadays, are much better. Basics, elaun, critical s, and oncalls.I dont really mind staying long hours in wards, if patients are nice and the consultantsare very much understanding.

I hate that feeling when consultants, consultoids alike, specialist, start to irritate!

The will burn your life away!

Low-life, no respect, not dignified, and untrusted doctors! yeah and unpolished!

Well, I hate to say this, life isnt a box of chocolate.

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Penulisan1. Blogging sebagai metodologi DakwahThe way I see, the internet is like a marketing tool. Therefore, a marketing tool musthave its audience, a specific targetted audience.

But to control the internet content, is impossible, and the main thing, one should aim foris that point of controlling the content which later will shape the future of the world.80% of the internet is related to entertainment, and the rest are for education, personalconnectivity and, journals, and educations.

Google and Yahoo, play that part of controlling the information over the internet.Higher traffic gets lotsa visit.

Why do people used the internet? Lotsa reason.

Then, the way i see it, used it as a Landasan for Dakwah.Send millions of dakwah tapes on YouTube and GoogleVideo . Fill up the spaces onBlogspot, Xanga, WordPress, Typepad and what ever blog you are using with islamicidea.

Its pity to see, people are denouncing of the existence of a God.

Therefore, used this powerful internet to send your Dakwah message. That, eternalmessage of La illah ha iLlah.

Send to people message of La Tushrik bi Llah . Protect your islamic worldview withideas and readings.

Dont just use it for friendster, you tube and reading your groups and network emails.

Create PDF files for your local usrah groups. Let them see, that you are doing somethingfor the Ummah!

To live and see, the ummah to have its own pride and greatness, takes another 200 yearsI guess, and let this be your first year!Dont let your child live in the Atheist world.

To control the world you must take control of yourself- Anonymous.

P/s: Engkau Tuhan yang Satu- Ramli Sarip. Hidup dan matiku hanyalah untuk mu.Ideas live forever, therefore Read and Write.

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2. Of modernity, minimalistic and Islamic

You may wondering why in the world would I choose such topics. Modernity,minimalistic and Islamic.

You see, the cultural era that were living in is in the post-moderity I guess. We re livingin the presumptive era of modernity but the lifestyle that we chose is still in theexcessive wastage. garbage making, unefficient era. Modernity does not represent this.

Modernity represent era of global awakening towards efficiently, disciplined thoughtsand errorless time frame. Modernity does not represent fast-food problems, obesity anddiabetes, it represent the Management of the these over-the-counter problems. Itrepresent thoughts and ideas that are well catagorized and defined. It gives a symbol ofsquareness. Yes, professinionalism. It had the representation of a wikipedia life. Itterms of art it represent a compartmentalised new era for meticulous, and delicateprocedure to symbols of lines and squares.

Only that, it is not practiced.

To me minimalistic is more of a direct approached step by step thoughts. Very clear,clarity, and out spoken unihibited thoughts. Minimalistic is like, a laptop you see. Nowires, inbuilt and simply nothing. It does not see, new inventions. It sees, effective,quality and paperless managment.

You see, we failed to realised this.

Why?

Because of the marketing bombings from the media. We tend to follow what we see.We like the things that we know. We are inhibited by this mental block? We do not wantto open to new ideas and new thoughts.

We are dominated by our out of control whims, yes the word Im looking for is,whims.

We sometimes do not see other important things lying infront of us. We do not read andwe do think and we do not write.

The way I see this has to changed.

We must leaerned and be proficient, efficient and motivated, keep up and not dying.Think of it as a new challenged. See it as new ideas and thoughts. Write or enjoyementand our hopes. Tell the world that we will become better.

Learned to self control.

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and be Islamic.

3. Tips menghilangkan jerawat

Malay business will fall apart if investments, in certain areas are not speed ups. Forinstance in terms of human resources, especially modal insan, i can bet you that thecurrent booming undergraduates are not resourceful with no background networks andsupports. All it takes is just one good partner in managing a good businessdevelopment.

Why?

1. The main problem of the Malay business is that golden question modal is not yetresolved. That question is not resolved and the risk it carries with it is not pre-

determined. Unresolved issues.

2. The human resources are not efficient. Quality leadership is lacking in the currentworkforce. Undergrads are not adaptable, and too reliant. not independent. Issuesregarding, time management, financial management and managerial issues are notsettled.

The mind setting is out of context. We work to survive and not to thriveLacking in understanding and the attidunal issues regarding investments and risks.

3. Too dependent. Malay business are too dependant for government projects andgrants.

4. Malas. Not all malays are malas-Sepet. Technically, all malays are malas. We dontwant to learn and relearn new things. We are too complacent with the governance.Bersyukur and not working hard.

5. Malays dont want to fail . May be thats why we dont learn. The social stigma offailing is bad must be changed. Failing is the road to success, dont you think?6. We dont want to believe in ourselves. We listened to stupid ideas from people and wedont research with our own capabalities and limitations. We dont produce enough.7. We like to be complacent. Enough said.

Thats all for now.

In my life time, I wish to change all these. All I can say is we dont want to learn.My regrets to see my people are stepped upon. Having no honour. Why cant the Malaypeople control the world one day.

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May be thats why I have these jerawat now. or maybe I am in the delusionalgrandiose psychotic state.

Business should be customer-oriented, market driven

4. What does it take to become a good leader

You see, theres always a formula to do anything. Although, not necessarily the formulacan be applied to everything. But it helps a lot when, youre in trouble, or you get thatconfused cum blanko feeling or thinking, or both. To become a leader, there criterias tobe met. Not only it has to be relevant to the situation, but it has to be, comprehensiveand oriented.

The current Muslim world is in need of leaders. But a different kind, a differentapproach and a different line of thought. But still, fundamentals and priciples aremaintained upon. The main message fundamental message, is still, the message that

every single prophet and rasul had brought. The same message, yet forgotten by the restof the humanity.

31:13 And, lo, Luqman spoke thus unto his son, admonishing him: O my dear son! Donot ascribe divine powers to aught beside God: for, behold, such [a false] ascribing of

divinity is indeed an awesome wrong!The message of tauhid. This is the most fundamental message that, the way I see it,people tend to forget. That God Exist.

then others will follow.

The realization of God takes a lot of effort.

Remember these warnings.

31:6 But among men there is many a one that prefers a mere play with words [to divineguidance], so as to lead [those] without knowledge astray from the path of God, and to

turn it to ridicule: for such there is shameful suffering in store.I am currently reading, Majalah I, about the Rufaqa Corporation. I understand that, themechanism of it operates, is like making a new nation. Another nation that, will laterengulf the nation. How and Why did they become wrong. Talked to my father about it,it is a wrong of understanding of its people, making them so called deviater.http://rufaqa-sesat.blogspot.com

Friends been making jokes on creating another legacy called, Kufara . Hehe

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5. I love Ungku Aziz

I have great respect for Ungku Aziz , with his visions of protecting the Malays in theglobal era. I love the way he thinks, practical and confrontive.

Ive put up the interview which I have been longed searched for. How would Prof.Ungku Aziz react towars the RMK-9. Believe me, I will later on write his profile, of thisgreat statesmen.

He mentioned, Produktiviti yang rendah, penindasan dan keadaan yang terabai,these are the factors which lead to fall of the Malays. He talks about the wrongfulmindset in the Malay thinking, which clearly can be seen in terms of management andproduction wise.

And this phrase..

Kata orang, semakin keadaan berubah, semakin semuanya kekal begitu juga. Balik-balik begitu juga, dan dari satu segi, kalau difikir-fikirkan kita sebenarnya tidakbanyak berubah.Actually, this is so true. With so many advancement, still we have this tendency of notchanging and becoming complacent with our beings.

and then this,

Allahyarham Prof. Nik Abdul Rashid Nik Majid dalam satu analisisnya mengatakan adatiga jenis kemiskinan.

Pertama, kemiskinan semula jadi yang cukup sukar diatasi akibat faktor sumber danalam.

Kedua, kemiskinan yang dikenakan apabila seseorang tidak boleh melakukansesuatu walaupun berdaya dan mampu.

Ketiga, kemiskinan yang dicari iaitu orang yang sedar perbuatannya mendatangkankemiskinan tetapi dia buat juga .

He emphasized, on the next part, kemiskinan yang dikenakan apabila seseorang tidakboleh melakukan sesuatu walupun berdaya dan mampu. Yep, with all the efforts andmodalities that the Malays have, still we are the back benchers and, not leading theways, into the global market.and then this;

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Kita tidak boleh lagi segan. Kita mesti tegas dan berani mengatakan bahawa kitaorang Melayu, dan kita mahu menakluk dunia. Kenapa harus segan?Yes, this is the spirit in which I like to seed in my mind. We should conquer the world.We should be disciplined enough, to conquer the thinking, mindsetting, and visions ofthe future. We want to lead the way. We would like control the trend and changes

according to Islam abd leading the entire human population.and the last part;

Kita mesti melahirkan lebih banyak usahawan yang naik dan jatuh kerana merekaberani mengambil risiko.

Taking risk. Yep! Big risk, big gain.

To summarize, he gives us this short message.Kalau untung, untung. Kalau rugi, sanggup bangun semula.

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8. Of Penjajahan Pemikiran

I again did some more research on, how to speak and write good influentialmasterpieces. You see, the toughest part of relaying information is getting the ideaacross right. Sometimes or rather, in the effort of giving such information, youll end upwith giving wrong and deceitful information, and then, people will get confused.

Anyway, along the way, I found some good statements, whilst doing some research. Itgoes something like this,

Masalah besar ialah hujung jatuh manusia ada pembalasan akhirat. Pembalasan ikutkaedah al-Quran, tak boleh pandai-pandai. Oleh kerana lama sangat di perintah olehorang putih, maka kita berasa tak apa duduk tolak al-Quran,

Begitulah kata2 Tuan Guru Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat kepada utusan bertarikh 6November 2005(4 Syawal 1426H). Quote:http://mazaya.blogspot.com/

This is very true. The first part, masalah besar ialah hujung jatuh manusia ada pembalasanakhirat.

To me this statement, reflects something special about the lives we lived. Theres an end,to it, and to that end, there is another beginning.

Herm. A beginning, meaning that, theres another life out of your limited capabilities.

And yet, theres a sense of security. You see, this statement, had its emotional meaning,of regarding, the pembalasan akhirat. It shoes certainty and security.

And the next one, oleh kerana lama sangat diperintah oleh orang putih, maka kita berasa takapa duduk tolak al-Quran. I liked the word diperintah, and the latter part, tak apa duduk tolakal-Quran. It has two meanings. To those who thinks seriously, this is the final end to thestatement.

A definitive diagnosis of the problem.

On the brighter side, it is something like a humor. Nobody would like to deny al-Quran.Those who denied, are absolutely, fallen.

So you see, these different lights toward understanding a statement can make peoplethink in a differently manner. Well, these are some random examples.

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What if the statements, were something like a fatwa ker, a decision making statement ke,or something yang life changing. And, the way I see it, thats my problem. I can not get things out my head! Right and right.

6. Kuasa sebuah penulisan

Fungsi sebuah penulisan

Bagi seorang sasterawan, mungkin menulis adalah untuk menyampaikan ayat- ayatbungaannya. Bagi seorang doktor penulisan adalah pemangkin kepada kajiannya.Tetapi penulisan mempunyai skop yang lebih besar.

Penulisan mampu menyuntik kefahaman dan ism. Tidak kira apa jua fahaman atauideologi. Melalu penulisan kefahaman itu kekal dan di bawa dari satu zaman ke satuzaman yang lain. Lihatlah hasil usaha Umar al- Khattab yang telah mengambil inisiatifuntuk membukukan firman Allah. Lihatlah betapa hebat kesan daripada usahanya.

Apa lagi dalam dunia siber yang amat pantas. Perlulah ada kesedaran dalam pemikiranpenulis-penulis untuk menulis dengan lebih banyak bukan satu. Tetapi mungkin jugaribuan artikel dalam masa satu minggu. Saya percaya tidak kira apa jua bahasa, apa juakeadaan penulisan yang berpengaruh dan mempunya isme perlulah ditulis berkali- kaliuntuk menguatkan pengaruh itu.

Tidak perlu untuk saya memberitahu, apakah contoh penulisan yang berupa fahamanatau isme. Terlalu banyak. Penulisan itu adalah satu jihad yang berterusan.

Bukan itu sahaja, penulisan memberikan penjanaan idea baru. Idea baru diperlukanuntuk pembahuruan pemikiran dan konsep. Penulisan yang hebat mampumenumbangkan penjajahan dan konsep-konsep autonomi. Itulah kuasa penulisan.

Bukan itu, sahaja penulisan mampu meluaskan pengaruh sesuatu budaya. Ia akanmengekalkan pengaruh dan meluaskan idea anda. Jadi tulislah dengan nama- Nya.

Akhirnya, penulisan yang hebat dapat membunuh. Ia memberi kredentials kepadasesiapa ynag diinginkan. Penulisan yang hebat lebih tajam daripada mata pedang.Bukan omong- omong kosongan. Pada sasterawan melebarkan sayap pengaruh kepadapembaca. Pada budayawan ia menyuntik kecintaan kepada bangsa dan negara. Padapolitikus ia memberikan kelebihan nyata daripada mereka yang hanya berjanji palsu.

Ya itu lah kehebatan sebuah penulisan.

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8. Berapa banyak anda menulis dan membaca dalam satu hari

Untuk memaksimum penggunaan masa bagi seseorang, mungkin sepanjang masahayatnya hanya perlu di manfaatkan dengan membaca dan mengkaji dan menulis .Tidak kiralah kalau yang di kajinya itu, apa sahaja, materilistik, metafizik , kajian agamamalah sifat haiwan pun boleh di kaji secara mendalam.

Buat masa ini, anda mungkin ada terbaca di ruang sebelah Barat sana, sedang di adakanpertandingan National Novel Writing Month . Satu pertandingan di kalangan penulisuntuk menghasilkan novel dalam apa jua sekali genre. Apa sahaja jua yangdibincangkan.

Apa sahaja cara ceritera. Malah pada pandangan umum, mungkin usaha itu sia-siasahaja jika kalah dalam pertandingan tersebut. Tetapi sebaliknya harus difikirkanbahawa, dengan wujudnya lebih banyak karya maka mutu cerita, mutu pembahasaandan gaya serta watak dapat dicipta dalam bidan fiksyen. Lebih besarlah penciptaan danpeluasan pemikiran bangsa serta bahasa tersebut. Untuk memajukan sebuah bangsa,penulisan dalam bahasa bangsa tersebut mestilah dimanfaatkan. Penggunaan bahasanasional dalam sebuah bangsa akan meluaskan pemikiran dan pembudayaan sahsiahdalam citarasa dan acuan bangsa tersebut. Maka anda sepatutnya menulis dan menulis,berfikir dan menulis.

Mungkin itulah caranya peluasan pengaruh pemikiran akan tersebar?Untuk pengetahuan anda, matlamat NaNoWriMo adalah untuk menghasil 175-200muka surat aneka cerita yang boleh dihantarkan untuk publikasi setelah dipilih oleh juri. 200 muka surat memerlukan sekurang-kurangnya 50,000 patah perkataan ataulebih.

Tidak kiralah, kalau yang anda tulis itu mengarut, contohnya sifat seekor anak katakpuru, bermain piano di kala subuh, atau mengkaji kebarangkalian ular lidi itu bertelur,atau budak itu di dalam laci , sebenarnya, peluasan idea ituwujud dalam aturcara dan

citarasa bangsa.

Maka apalagi, baca dan tulislah. Biar tinggi bahasa kita ini, biar berfikir orang-orangkita, biar kita menghargai lebih idea-idea daripada materialis semata-mata. Kita bukanbenda mati , tetapi benda yang sentiasa berfikir.

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The awkward silenceThat subjective feeling of happiness is a great one. Unconditional, unbounded andunrestricted. The feeling of happiness would creep into the sorrowest being. Thatblissful feeling of knowing you had something special and more than anyone couldever explain or imagine. Feeling secure and not having to afraid to anything orlosing, that happiness is a true one.

http://khairulorama.wordpress.com

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Scraps of Khairul

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