The Parenting Children Course Scripts

Session 4 – How to Build Healthy RelationshipsPlease note:

Text in a box indicates when Nicky and Sila tell stories from their own experience. These may be replaced with a live speaker’s personal experience, or the speaker may tell the story about Nicky and Sila in the same way that they tell stories about others. A text box is also used for the prayer at the end of each session which, if you would prefer, you can replace with your own.

The scripts include the filmed clip inserts that Nicky and Sila use when giving the talks live. The DVDs have a separate menu of chapter stops for the filmed clip inserts. These are indicated by the numbers 1.0, 1.1, 1.2 etc.

Each session contains more inserts than time permits when giving the talks live.

The boxes where the script is struck through show the inserts that Nicky and Sila choose to omit due to time pressures. For example:

Insert – 3.4 Parents discussing childrenIN 00:45:00

However, you should feel free to make your own selection regarding which inserts you show and which you omit.It may not be possible to show the presentation slides as well as using the DVD inserts if you do not have the technology required to support both at the same time. If this applies to you, please feel free to leave out the presentation slides.

Part 1: Modelling and practising

NICKYWelcome to Session 4 of The Parenting Course. We hope you’re enjoying the course and that you’ve picked up some useful ideas that are helping you in your parenting. There are moments in parenting when we panic.

One of those for us was when we managed to lose Josh, aged three, in a crowd of twenty-five thousand people. We had taken all the children to a show at Earls Court – a vast arena in central London. In the interval we decided to go and get some drinks. I thought Josh was holding Sila’s hand. And she thought he was holding mine.

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Suddenly, to our horror, we realised that he was nowhere to be seen. And all around us were thousands of people. I can still remember the rising panic as we started to hunt for him, all of us shouting his name at the tops of our voices – a useless exercise with so much noise all around us. I can also recall the enormous relief when we suddenly saw this familiar little figure on the shoulders of a very tall policeman. Later as we watched the rest of the show I realised I was holding his hand very tightly.  

So far in the course we’ve looked at what a family is for, how to show love to our children so their emotional tanks stay full, and the importance of setting appropriate boundaries for our children so that they learn to make good choices for themselves.

In this session, we want to look at how we teach our children to build healthy relationships – a vital skill for life. Children learn most about how to relate from the relationships in their own family. It’s what we model that has the greatest impact on them.

They watch the way we as adults relate to each other. They notice whether we listen to each other or whether we are always making demands.

If we’re parenting as a couple, they notice whether we show affection for each other or are disinterested. They take in how we resolve conflict, and whether or not we apologise to and forgive each other. They see how we talk to each other, whether we’re rude or respectful.

Insert – 4.0 Rob Parsons – what parents modelIN 00:02:22

Rob Parsons You know the really scary thing about bringing up children? It’s not that they don’t listen to us but they do – that they listen to every word. You know, the really frustrating thing about having grown up children is to hear them give advice to their friends that you gave to them, as though they just thought of it. But that is sobering, isn’t it? I remember a father saying to me, ‘I would never apologise to my children for anything.’ How will he then model saying sorry? It’s not a problem when our kids see us rowing as husband, as wife, but how do they see us forgive, how do they see us reconcile? We are moulding a character here. And time and time again our children turn out to be like us.

OUT 00:03:04

SILAChildren watch and learn from how we, their parents, react to difficult situations, how we cope during tough times, as well as when life is easier.

We were talking to a woman who has recently separated from her husband and she said that, even though they realised it was going to be challenging, they both decided that they would try never to criticise each other in front of their children.

In Part 1 we’re going to look at two ways we help our children to relate well.

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The power of listening

We’ll start with the power of listening. The skills of being a good listener are essential for our parenting. Some of us are naturally better listeners than others. The good news is it’s something we can all learn. Speaking as someone who’s not naturally a good listener, I had a lot to learn. The hard thing about listening is it takes time and effort and it’s not always completely clear what our child is trying to say.

One mum said this about listening to her seven-year-old son Chris: ‘I notice that I have to listen to what may be behind his words. It’s not always immediately clear. Chris came back from school the other day and was bad tempered and out of sorts. He said he’d fallen over and hurt his knee. But later on, as we talked, he told me he’d got locked in the loo and was really frightened. This was the real reason he was upset, not his knee.’

If we want to encourage our children to talk about their feelings – we need to be ready to listen when they want to talk not just when it’s convenient for us.

Insert – 4.1 Children – when parents listenIN 00:04:33

Interviewer When do they listen to you?

Emma Umm, every time we ask them a question.

Matthew Yeah, when we ask them a question.

Emma Except if they’re busy.

Matthew Well, except if they’re busy, of course.

Emma ’Cos then they just ignore us.

Matthew Well, not always! They just say, ‘We’re busy. Later.’ Something like that.

Interviewer And how can you tell they’re busy?

Emma Because they’re normally doing something!

Matthew Because they’re doing something! Either Daddy’s doing something for work or the church, or my mum’s doing something around the house.

Emma Yeah, she’s like… Our dad’s like doing the ironing when we ask him at breakfast.

Matthew Yeah.

OUT 00:05:13

We want to run through a few ways to become better listeners with our children.

1. Pay full attention

First of all, we need to recognise the times when it’s important to pay full attention. Of course that won’t be all the time, and we have to teach our children not to interrupt

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when we’re talking to someone else. But, if we continue to tidy up, do a chore, look at the computer screen, or read the newspaper when our child is wanting to tell us something, it will eventually cause them to give up trying to communicate with us.

A woman from India, whose father was in government, recounted a memory from her childhood. ‘I had been so proud of him, with his high posts in the Indian government. I could still see him, impeccably dressed, adjusting his turban at the mirror before leaving for his office … One of my cherished memories was seeing him at work in the study … Often, as a little girl, I would have a question to ask him and I would peek at him from around the door of his office, hesitant to interrupt. Then his eye would catch mine. Putting down his pen, he would lean back in his chair and call out, ‘Keecha?’ Slowly, I would walk into the study, my head down. He would smile and pat the chair next to his. ‘Come, my darling, sit here.’ Then, placing his arm around me, he would draw me to him. ‘Now, my little Keecha,’ he would ask gently, ‘What can I do for you?’ It was always the same with Father. He didn’t mind if I bothered him. Whenever I had a question or problem, no matter how busy he was, he would put aside his work to devote his full attention just to me. [Taken from I Dared to Call Him Father by Bilquis Sheikh, Kingsway Publications 1978, pp 40–41]

At the moments when a child needs our full attention, we can show we’re listening by stopping what we’re doing and looking them in the eye.

Insert – 4.2 Children – how they know parents are listeningIN 00:07:00Abigail If she is listening, which is nice at the time, she’ll give you eye contact and she’ll sit

near you, and she’ll look at you and she’ll talk back and she’ll reply, and you just know that she’s listening, because she really understands what you’re saying.

Girl (VOX POP ) Well, I think just a lot of the time they’re busy. And I have to learn to like appreciate that, I guess. But I’m always like bugging them, trying to talk to them and stuff. So. Sometimes they’re too busy to listen, and I have to understand that too. So.

Interviewer How do you know when they’re really listening to you, really concentrating on what you’re saying?

Girl (VOX POP ) Well, just like sometimes we’ll sit down, like just sit down and talk and really be looking at each other, and then I know that we’re really focusing on that.

Interviewer And do you think that’s important?

Girl (VOX POP ) Mm-hmm.

Interviewer Tell me why.

Girl (VOX POP ) Because sometimes we just need to say how we’re feeling so we can try to be better to each other and stuff like that.

Emma Well, they have to look at us.

Matthew Yeah, they look at us and they reply! Because normally when I ask, they just don’t – I just don’t get an answer!

OUT 00:08:13

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SILAOf course there’ll be times when we have to say: ‘I’m busy right now but I’ll be finished in ten minutes and then you can tell me.’ But we must be true to our word. Otherwise it will build frustration in them and eventually they will stop trying.

Insert – 4.3 Children – how it makes them feel when listened toIN 00:08:27Interviewer How does it make you feel when they pay full attention to you?

Emma Really happy because, if it’s something serious we need to ask them, they just need to pay attention to us, and most of the time they do. So we can ask them that question and they sometimes answer, and then sometimes they don’t. And it’s just nice having them there.

Matthew Again, I agree with the first bit that Emma said, but they don’t actually have to listen, so I would think that she got it a bit wrong. They don’t have to listen, but normally they do listen to what we’re saying.

Interviewer How does it make you feel when they do listen to you?

Matthew Happy, because they sort of…

Emma Mm, happy. Because they concentrate on us instead of the things they’re doing.

Matthew Yes, they concentrate on us and pay attention! They sort of stop for a second.

OUT 00:09:24

SILASo, listening effectively involves first of all that we pay full attention.

2. Show an interest

Second, it involves showing an interest in their lives. There will always be distractions and demands that make it hard for us to listen. Listening takes generosity and means concentrating on what appeals to them, whether that’s a TV programme that they love but we find boring, an art project they are doing at school or a particular sport they enjoy.

For me with our three boys, all of whom were mad keen rugby players, mealtimes often involved them recounting stories from the latest game, in great detail! All too easily I tuned out – I’m not that into rugby! Eventually I realised I needed to make an effort to learn the lingo, understand the rules and go to watch the matches so I could listen with understanding to their animated conversation. I don’t think I ever fully grasped the rules, but I could make some informed comments.

Looking back however, I don’t think Nicky or I did quite the same with Kirsty’s interests at mealtimes. As a girl she was heavily out-numbered and we should have given her more space to talk about what she particularly enjoyed.

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Insert 4.4 – Parents – son’s passionIN 00:10:33

Mandie Matthew’s majorly into Formula One at the moment – that’s his big passion – and he talks about very little else. And I’m just not into it at all. I don’t really understand it! I don’t know much about it, and I have to make a real effort to listen when he’s talking about Formula One. But it’s so important to him, I know I have to listen and make an intelligent reply. Because actually he would be really hurt if he knew I wasn’t listening to him at all. So I have to try very, very hard to appear interested. And I’m sure I will learn about it. If the interest continues, then I will become more knowledgeable about Formula One!

OUT 00:11:19

NICKY

3. Avoid shutting them down

A third way to become better listeners is to avoid shutting them down. Where children are not listened to and maybe criticised and put down, they feel they can never please their parents and will tend to stop communicating their thoughts and feelings. We need to let them express what may be very different opinions to our own. It is through listening to them that we show we value their ideas.

Insert – 4.5 Street interview with parent – listening to a child’s point of viewIN 00:11:42

Man (VOX POP) And I think that so often it’s easy for me to not hear where she’s coming from. And to recognise that: it’s been startling to realise that she has as clear a point of view as I do! You know, that adults are not the only ones who know truth. And that’s been really eye-opening! I don’t always open my eyes, but it’s really interesting to think about, that when she says that she wants or needs something, that on some level she does. And it’s real important to try to hear!

OUT 00:12:10

NICKY

4. Reflect back

Fourth, reflect back. Reflecting back means saying back to a child, in our own words, what we think they’re trying to express.

For example, they might say: ‘I don’t want to play with Max ever again.’ We can all too easily jump in with: ‘Of course you do. You know you like him, and anyway he’s in your class.’ Reflecting back can be much more helpful and might sound something like this: ‘So you don’t want to play with Max. Why’s that?.’ We may then discover that Max left him out of a game in the playground. So we say, ‘So Max left you out. That must have

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been hard.’ And then that gives him a chance to tell us what it felt like when he was left out in the playground.

Sometimes our children are trying to tell us something, but can’t quite express their feelings, and it’s so easy to jump in with advice, or to correct them, without having understood what they’re telling us. Reflecting back not only helps us know if we’ve understood them but it also helps them identify and understand what they’re trying to say. It helps them to give their feelings a name.

This way of listening particularly helps them express negative feelings such as when they’re sad or worried, frustrated or upset. This is empathetic listening, which is invaluable in every relationship, with both adults and children.

Empathising through listening will be really important where there is a bigger problem, such as a difficult teacher or a child being bullied.

Insert – 4.6 Parents – listening to a child who’s been bulliedIN 00:13:37

Krista Owen spent a very painful year, wasn’t it, his classmates teasing him. He’s very slim and – oh, well, anything they will pick on them for. And there were two children in his class that could be quite vicious with their tongue. (Mm) And Owen is a very sensitive character, and he tends to take everything to heart. And it did come to a bit of a head. I went into the school many times, met with the teacher many times. There were lots of action plans, many times! But it got to a head with a half-term holiday, wasn’t it? (Mm) He sobbed nearly the whole half-term. And –

John And then didn’t want to go back to school, and that’s why he was sobbing.

Krista But it took a while to get Owen to talk about it. (Mm) And what the consequence of that whole – this was a good eight months; we’re a few months past this now – but if something happens at school I have to really draw it out of him. (Mm) And I found a good way to do that, actually. Kids don’t like face-to-face. I get him to help me doing something in the kitchen, don’t I? It’s, `Owen, come and help me make this.’ And then we stand side to side. I’m like, `So, what happened today, then? When you came out you weren’t looking happy. Have such-and-such child or such-and-such child, (Mm) have they been talking any more of, you know…?’

John So the teasing was from a girl and a boy (Mm) who were kind of bigger and sort of more structured than him, that we could work out it was based on nothing – it was kind of just like playground stuff.

Krista But it had got out of hand, didn’t it?

John But it really went to his heart. (Yeah) Really went to his heart.

Krista And if it’s a quiet child, it is hard to get them to talk! (Mm) Particularly if they feel that there’s going to be repercussions if they talk. So it’s very important, we found, to get him through that – was standing next to him every minute of going through it. (Yeah) And now he does: ‘Mum, this has happened today.’ (Mm) And he’s grown into that, that he can trust us, because he said it and we acted. (Mm) And that was quite important, to act, wasn’t it?

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John It was, right – and together!

Krista Yeah! Definitely!

OUT 00:15:54

NICKYEmpathising and drawing a child out through listening is very powerful. But often we have to change our habits. One father said that the thing he realised was that when his children were upset, he tended to give them a cheerleader kind of speech. That was his stock reaction. He said, ‘I probably never recognised eighty percent of the underlying reasons for their emotions when I did that. Just listening to my son after one instance when he was very upset helped me understand his heart far more than I ever had. I was able to help him because I took the time to listen.’

I resonate a lot with that. Looking back now I recognise I was far too quick to pre-judge the reason our children were upset. I would try to fix the issue with what I thought was my good advice, and short-circuit what I knew would be the more lengthy process of trying to get inside their mind and heart and really listen to them.

As we listen to our children we teach them to listen – a vital skill for building relationships.

Relationships with siblings and other children

Another way children learn to relate is through practising – practising relationships with siblings and other children. We recognise the challenge will almost certainly be greater if you have step-children or a child with particular issues such as a disability, a behavioural disorder or other special needs in your family mix. Our aim is to help our children build good relationships with other children inside and outside the family. There are pros and cons to having brothers and sisters.

Insert – 4.7 Children – having siblingsIN 00:17:25

Neil Well, it’s kind of good because you’re never lonely and you never have a dull moment – you can always have someone annoying you or something like that. You’re never just sitting there doing nothing.

Jacob Always!

Lukas Sometimes you wish you didn’t have them. Sometimes you do, most of the time you do, (You do) of course. 99 per cent of the time you do want them – 1 per cent of the time is when you mess up the room or I have to clean the bathroom! Well, actually, forget the bathroom, because then I’d have to do it all by myself!

Emma Umm, someone to keep you company!

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Matthew Someone to play with.

Max Me and Johnnie sometimes have fights!

Emily ‘Sometimes’!

Johnnie Yeah, me and Max probably are prone to like having arguments most, ’cos we share a room.

Fergus And we play together, like funny games. And we laugh a lot. And we play in the bath. And we play outside in the garden.

Lauren The best thing about it is you’ve got lots of company, and you’ve got someone to play with. And (Yeah) it’s really good fun once someone’s done something funny and then you can laugh about it together. And the thing about having each other is someone’s always there for you.

Drew I have my older sister, and she’s just really strict about me going in her room. One step and I’m dead!

James Yeah, my sister…

Bart It’s very fun having a brother. If I didn’t have one, it wouldn’t be that fun. So I’m glad I’ve got one. It’s very fun with him.

Emma And when you are reading a book, I always want to play!

Matthew Yes, we have a long argument about that sometimes! But normally it always ends with Emma leaving the room! Doesn’t it, Emma?

Emma Yes!

OUT 00:19:23

NICKYOur expectation and hopes as parents is that our children build bonds that will become very strong over the years. It is true that sometimes the chemistry between siblings doesn’t work, but usually it does and we should expect the best in the long term. In the short term, however, it can be very frustrating.

Insert – 4.8 Parents – sibling squabblesIN 00:19:42

Taryn Just having three small children and one on the way, when they don’t get on with each other and there’s bickering going on, and one’s teasing and the other one’s crying, and we can’t all just be a happy family because there’s noise and drama going on, that really gets me mad!

OUT 00:20:01

SILA

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One father commented; ‘Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee.’ We want to look at five points that help with these relationships.

1. Don’t compare

First, value each child as unique rather than comparing, either favourably or unfavourably to another.

There is a distinction between sibling squabbles, which are normal and part of the whole process of learning to build healthy relationships, and sibling rivalry which is more serious.

Insert – 4.9 Dr Pat Spungin – favouritismIN 00:20:29

Dr Pat Spungin I think if you live in a family you can expect that there will be fights and squabbles and conflict between your children. It comes from living under the same roof and wanting the same things. I think where you might stop and think, ‘Is there something else going on here?’ is if one of your children is consistently saying ‘It’s not fair’: if they genuinely feel that they’re not getting a fair deal from you, and they’re accusing you basically of some kind of favouritism. And then to stop and ask yourself ‘Is there anything in this?’

OUT 00:21:05

SILA Children comparing themselves with a brother or sister is the root of sibling rivalry and turns them into competitors rather than allies. A child can start to think, ‘Why do they love him more than they love me?’ ‘Why does she get more attention?’ ‘Why do they give her bigger and better presents than me?’ or ‘Why do they always tell me off?’

It’s unhelpful to make one child look good by doing another one down. A really helpful tip is: avoid labelling a child. So, for example, if we say, ‘He’s the sporty one in our family,’ or ‘She’s the brightest,’ or ‘He’s the good-looking one,’ the others will tend to think, ‘I’m no good at sport,’ or ‘I’m not intelligent,’ or ‘I haven’t got good looks,’ and may feel resentful or give up trying to do their best.

Similarly, if we say, ‘He’s the naughty one,’ the child in question can take that on as his or her identity within the family. As one child said, ‘If I can’t be good, I’ll be the best at being bad.’ Sometimes we don’t realise we are favouring one child over another and we develop unhelpful habits.

Insert – 4.10 Dr Pat Spungin – sibling rivalryIN 00:22:08

Dr Pat Spungin I’ve got three children, and my son was a very curious and inquisitive and clever boy. And his younger sister found it quite difficult. And I remember once at the table she

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said something – we were discussing something, and she volunteered an opinion, and he broke in to say something, and we turned to him, to listen to what he had to say. And she suddenly said, ‘You’re always doing that. When I say something and then he comes in, you always pay attention to what he says.’ And we had never noticed that. We were used to hearing him say clever things, and it was almost unconscious. But it was a good way of stopping to think, ‘Oh, hang on a minute, what’s going on here?’

OUT 00:22:56

NICKYEqually, we may need to pay special attention to an older child if a younger one has special abilities, and to find things to commend each of them for.

First value each child as unique rather than comparing one child with another.

2. Don’t try to arbitrate every fight

Second, don’t try to arbitrate every fight. While squabbling is irritating, it has a purpose. Children are discovering how to resolve problems in relationships. We may be trying to keep the noise down and restore peace, but we do our children a disservice if we shut down every quarrel by becoming judge and jury.

Children need space to sort out their own arguments. It’s through these rows that they learn how to interact in a conflict, how to handle their anger, how to negotiate, how to compromise and how to make up afterwards. And their disagreements help them get in as much practice as possible. Squabbling is much healthier than no communication at all. And, if possible, increasingly keeping out of most of the arguments is generally the best course of action.

Insert – 4.11 Parents and children – solving own argumentsIN 00:24:00Shona My tip for dealing with siblings would be to let them have their relationship to

themselves, and encourage them by standing back and letting them get on with it.

Max Well, I think they need to show us how to solve our own arguments and not dive straight in and make both children feel in a bad mood. And I think they need to let us solve it, because if we solve it we’ll probably get back together and be friends again and play together, like five minutes later.

Madeleine Well, we deal with the infighting now differently to probably how we used to. And I think the change for us was what I would probably call ‘a revelation moment’, when I realised it wasn’t my relationship – it was theirs. And therefore I was able to take on more of a sort of life-coach perspective and come alongside them, rather than: ‘I’m in this pit with them. This is all a dreadful mess. What am I going to do about that?’ And we don’t always get that right, but it’s interesting how differently we deal with it now that we have that perspective. So, for example, rather than saying: ‘Right, bring him here and I’ll have a word with him!’ I say, ‘Well, what are you going to do about that, then?’ (Mm) or ‘How did that make you feel?’ or ‘What would you like him to do to resolve that situation?’ And then I might have to say to one of them, if that doesn’t work, ‘Oh, you

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know, Charlie, Tom’s got something he’d like you to hear and understand,’ and then they tend to go off and do that. And that’s probably been our breakthrough, hasn’t it?

Con Mm, yeah, I would agree. I think it’s really exciting when they’ve come back from something that they’ve upset each other about, like come back and say, ‘Yup, we’ve sorted it out now.’ And that’s a real victory, it really is.

OUT 00:25:57

NICKY

3. Have time together as a family

A third way to help build sibling relationships is to have time together as a family, eating, playing, having fun together; family nights, family outings, family holidays – sometimes with cousins & other members of the wider family, and doing chores together like setting the table, will build bonds between brothers and sisters. It’s good to encourage them to do things together, even if they’re quite different ages. Their play doesn’t have to be ‘improving’ – they will probably have more fun with each other at the swimming pool if they are not having to practise their strokes. And they don’t need to be entertained all the time – it’s alright for them to be bored – in fact, that’s when they start to make up the best games.

Our daughter, Kirsty, said to us recently, ‘I loved it when we had holidays together just as a family because we all played together as there weren’t other children around. It really helped to build the close relationship we now enjoy as adults.’

4. Give each child space and some privacy

Fourthly, give each child space and some privacy. Some children need more time to themselves than others.

When our two youngest boys, Barny and Josh, were sharing a room it became clear that Barny needed some space of his own. So, I constructed a pole and put a curtain on it to divide the room in half. It worked fine for Barny – he could disappear behind the curtain and keep his own things separate. However, looking back, Josh did suffer somewhat as the window was in Barny’s half of the room – so Josh spent about two years in semi-darkness!

5. Help them to see each other’s good points.

Fifth, help them to see each other’s good points. So, for example, if one sister says to another, ‘Aliya always shouts’, we might say, ‘But she’s really good at sharing her books with you’. Or, if a younger brother says about an older brother, ‘Zac is so annoying’, we might say, ‘But you know he looks out for you at school.’

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Children won’t always get on with each other, but it’s through the ups and downs of their relationships that that they learn valuable lessons about how to relate.

Insert – 4.12 Parents – helping siblings get onIN 00:27:50

Rachel For us, something that worked very well was them sharing a bedroom. Now, I know that some people might go, ‘Oh, two children in the same room!’ But actually it has encouraged them to play together and to share. And sharing is something that children can quite often find difficult. And having toys to share and a bedroom to share has actually worked out really well!

Taryn Just lately, especially as our children start to find best friends and little groups of people that they get on with, they seem to enjoy being with their friends, and then when they’re at home are not so nice to each other. And actually a few times I’ve said, ‘Listen, our family relationships are the most important. So if you’re not going to be nice to each other, then we’re going to have to not go to this play date, and stay at home to just practise our kindness and our gentleness and our sharing while we’re at home. And then when I can see that you’re nice to each other, then absolutely, then we’ll go out and you can play with your friends!’

Sam I can remember incidents where Caleb, our oldest son, was probably around four and his younger brother was around about two. And he’d obviously been around for a while, and so he was used to him. But he wasn’t really looking out for him as a brother maybe should do. And I can remember they were out playing at a friend’s house or something, and Levi had fallen over or something like that. And our oldest son, Caleb, sort of just left him and let him get on with it, really! And I can remember enforcing that idea that ‘This is your brother! You’ve got to look after him.’ And in some ways that was a little bit of a new concept to him. They do love each other, but you know, seeing him take that on board whereby now he will share so many more things with his brother. When they are out, he does look out for his brother a bit more, you know. And that was one of the instances that you could really see that actually to teach it is not a bad thing.

Shona I’ve left them two to build their own relationship. They’re so much stronger for it. And I’ve actually wondered if them two love each other more than I could possibly love them, they’re so close! And to see them two playing together, just letting them go out into the park, I can sit back and just watch them play together. They take care of each other. And I really think it helps them bond, as obviously, as they grow older, they’ll know that they have to be there for each other and they have been blessed with each other!

OUT 00:30:18

NICKYWe would like you to look now at the exercise in your manual called ‘Reflective Listening’.

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONIn pairs, one of you pretends to be the child and says one of the listed remarks such as ‘I’m not going back to school ever again. I hate school.’ The other pretends to be the parent and practises reflecting back what the child might be feeling.

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END OF PART 1

Part 2: Handling anger

SILAWelcome to Part 2 of How to build healthy relationships.

Unhelpful reactions to anger

In this section, we’re going to look at how we handle our anger as well as how we help our children handle theirs.

But first a story – A young father was pushing his two-year-old son in a supermarket trolley as he did the weekly shop. As he got to the check out his son started having a full-on tantrum – screaming, yelling and kicking – and the father could be heard saying in a calm, measured tone: ‘Don’t get upset, George! Don’t cry, George! Don’t scream, George!’ There was an old lady standing behind him who felt that she just had to comment on this shining example of fatherhood. ‘Sir,’ she said, ‘may I commend you on the way you are dealing with young George?’ ‘Madam,’ he replied wearily, ‘I am George.’

Anger is not wrong in itself. It is a natural emotion – it’s what we feel when something is wrong, when there’s something that needs to be sorted out. But anger can be used unhelpfully in a number of different ways.

NICKYWe use two animals – a rhino and a hedgehog – to illustrate two unhelpful and often harmful approaches.

A rhino, if it’s provoked, is quite likely to put down its head and charge at you. Those who are like the rhino tend to charge around when they’re angry and can cause a lot of damage through what they say or do in the heat of the moment. Other people are like hedgehogs, who do the opposite. If you threaten a hedgehog, it will curl up into a ball and stick out its prickles to keep you at a distance. Those who act like the hedgehog may become quieter or withdraw when they get angry.

SILAI am definitely like the rhino. My tendency when I am angry is to overreact.

NICKYWhile I am much more like the hedgehog. I want to keep the peace at all costs, so I am inclined to keep any hurt to myself. As a result, Sila and the children are often unaware

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that I am upset. I have to remember to talk about my feelings, rather than burying them, and to allow others in the family to bring hurt and anger into the open. Then it can be sorted out rather than left to fester.

Learning to control our anger If our children are going to learn to control their anger, the single most important factor will be us learning to control ours.

Insert – 4.13 Julie Johnson – parents controlling angerIN 00:34:29

Julie Johnson If we want our children to be able to manage their angry feelings, we need to model to them that we can do it too. And we need to stay – I talk about staying – in `adult mode’, so that you are in control of your anger and you model that to your children. And children need to see that. It gives them a sense of security, that they know that their parents can be angry with them but not losing control of that anger. Because anger itself there’s nothing wrong with – it’s an important emotion. But they need to see that their parents can control it and not lose control of their anger.

Dr Pat Spungin If you don’t control your anger, then you behave in a way that is potentially very destructive. If you don’t control your anger, you may hit your children, you may harm your children, you may say things which are psychologically damaging to your children. So it’s almost the first thing you have to do when you feel yourself angry – is to rein it in.

OUT 00:35:21

NICKYThat’s not easy, but, whatever our natural temperament, we can all make changes for the sake of our family life. I heard a story about a father who had a ten-year-old son called Laurence. The father said he used to be like his own Dad – a strict disciplinarian. When he went into the army it reinforced everything he had been brought up with. He would scream at Laurence to stand to attention. Laurence was really scared. He said:

‘I went for counselling to deal with my aggressive side. If Laurence does anything wrong now, I might shout, but then we will sit down and talk about it. I used to think that children didn’t have an opinion, but now I can listen to his point of view.’

Laurence, his son said: ‘I spend a lot of time with my Dad and I find it very easy to talk to him. We talk about sport – we support Manchester United – and play computer games. I ask my Mum about things that Dad won’t know about, but it is easier to talk to my Dad about problems at school or if I have been in a fight. When my Dad tells me off he does it in a good way because he is really calm. I think I will always be able to talk to him.’

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We want to look at some ways to manage our own anger effectively.

1. Recognise the root of our anger

First we need to recognise the root of our anger, and not take it out on our children.

Earlier on in the course we talked about HALT – Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, Tired – and how any of those may well be the trigger for our own overreaction.

Insert – 4.14 Parents – controlling angerIN 00:36:49

Sam It can be very easy just to lash out and, you know, shout at them when really maybe the stresses of your day or the things that aren’t going according to plan for you have really been what’s aggravated that response. So always learning to almost put a check in place before you do maybe let out in anger.

OUT 00:37:10

NICKYSome adult anger is more deeply buried and may be the result of unresolved hurt from the past. If we don’t deal with the underlying hurt, the anger doesn’t go away and can come out against other people – a partner, another motorist, the cashier in the supermarket or our child – and we may continually be on a short fuse. This is displaced anger.

If that’s the case, like Laurence’s father, we may need to get help from a doctor or a counselor and go through the process of recognising the root of the anger and then forgiving those who’ve hurt us.

2. Take time out to calm down

The second way to manage anger is to take time out in order to calm down.

I thought I was a very patient person until we had children. And then I discovered that children wound me up like nothing else I had ever encountered in life. When our children were young, it was when they lost their temper with each other that I would lose mine. I eventually recognised this wasn’t exactly helping the situation and certainly wasn’t setting them much of an example. So, what helped most was to get away for thirty seconds, take a deep breath, press the pause button, just to regain perspective – even if it sounded like World War three was going on elsewhere in the house – and then I would return more calmly. This helped me avoid jumping to conclusions, and blaming and accusing one or more of the children unfairly.

Insert – 4.15 Parents – delaying response

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IN 00:38:30

Mandie Well, when I’m cross with them it helps me to just try not to make a knee-jerk reaction, to try to think before I speak and act – counting in your head to ten or something, just to slow it down a bit so it’s not a knee-jerk reaction and I can actually think, you know, ‘What have they done that’s so bad? And is what I’m about to say a proportionate thing to say, or can I do it better?’ I think it’s just all about slowing it down a bit, because it’s very easy to say something you actually didn’t mean if you speak too quickly.

Mark I think, for me, when I’m angry I’ve had to realise that I am angry and that actually my default behaviour is to react immediately; but actually found that sometimes thinking about it and then maybe framing the thing from a different perspective has been really excellent and helped a lot.

OUT 00:39:30

SILAIf we don’t control our anger, we can easily say things that are damaging and that we may well regret later. So a second way is to take time to calm down.

3. Label the action not the child’s character

A third way to manage our anger is to label the action, not the child. It’s easy when we’re wound up to say things like,‘You’re so stupid’, or ‘You’re so clumsy’, or ‘You’re hopeless.’

That’s labelling the child. The words can go very deep and a child will begin to believe them. It’s much better to label the action by saying, for example, ‘That was an unkind thing to say’, or ‘That was a careless thing to do’. That allows the child to change their behaviour rather than being stuck with a label.

NICKY

4. Use ‘I’ statements to express own feelings

A fourth way is to use ‘I’ statements such as ‘I feel’ instead of ‘you are’ or ‘you never’, to express feelings. ‘I’ statements stop arguments spiralling out of control into blame and accusation, and help to defuse the situation. So rather than, ‘‘You are the rudest child I know’, better to say, ‘I felt upset that you were rude to me.’

And, rather than, ‘You never take care of anything,’ it’s better to say, ‘I felt sad when I saw you had broken that toy.’ And rather than, ‘You’re a liar,’ better to say, ‘I was disappointed when I discovered you hadn’t told the truth’

I remember what used to make Sila furious was when she’d made supper and said it was ready and nobody came. (I was as guilty as the children.) Then one day she said with deep feeling, ‘I feel totally taken for granted that no-one comes when I’ve made the effort to cook.’ I noticed how, when she said how it made her feel, it had a far bigger

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effect on me and the children, than any amount of shouting and we all made an effort to come when she told us a meal was ready.

Helping our children manage their anger

As well as managing our anger, as parents we need to help our children manage theirs. This is one of the hardest tasks of parenting, but one of the most crucial.

Insert 4.16 Parents – taking time to discover cause of angerIN 00:41:33

Shona Before I do anything, I have to give myself that couple of minutes’ time out away from them, because I don’t want their anger going off onto me. And I have to make sure that, if I’m disciplining them, I’m disciplining them and not taking my anger out on them. So I will take that five minutes, just go into the bathroom, have a quick pray and just say, you know, ‘God, please guide me here.’ And then I’ll go in and just have to sit them down, if it comes to it just give them that five minutes’ time out, and then talk them through why they’re feeling so angry, and how they’re going about it the wrong way, and how they should express their anger.

OUT 00:42:04

SILA

Toddler tantrums

First of all we’re going to look at tantrums. There is hardly a parent of a toddler that doesn’t dread tantrums! Not least because often they occur very loudly in a public place – the supermarket, the park, at a friends’ house, or in a restaurant.

Insert – 4.17 Parents – taking time to discover cause of anger IN 00:42:18 Rachel We were on a family holiday in Spain, and all of our extended family were there, so there

was about twelve of us. And we decided to go out for a meal. And I’ve often talked about the fact that our children go to bed at a certain time. So it was already past bedtime. He should have already had something to eat. But we went to this restaurant and we all sat down. Well, I say we all sat down – we all sat down apart from our child, who continually got up, refused to sit down. There was a cousin there who was exactly the same age, who sat perfectly for the whole time. By the end of the meal, not only did Sam have me crying, he had his son crying as well, because his behaviour was just so appalling. And sometimes these tantrums do happen, and there’s just nothing you can do about it!

OUT 00:43:11

SILAHaving been through tantrums with all four of our children, we remember how draining this stage is – and often embarrassing. We found it helpful to try and remember the following: Tantrums are entirely normal. We are not a bad parent and our child does not

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hate us. The best approach is not to make a big deal of it but rather to explain calmly to others, ‘This is just a normal tantrum,’ and, if we are in a house with other people, it is usually best to take our child to another room, holding them firmly until their anger subsides.

Insert – 4.18 Dr Aric Sigman – tantrumsIN 00:43:44Dr Aric Sigman In many ways, you know, we don’t have to teach our young children to express anger –

they do it pretty naturally! Often it’s called ‘tantrums’ or, worse yet, ‘the terrible twos’. What we mustn’t do is to think there’s something wrong with children having tantrums or getting angry or crying in frustration and disappointment. We have to remember that, until children are fully articulate in the ability to use words to express how they feel, they’re going to express it through tears, through physical motions and through tantrums. And that’s fine! And, quite frankly, disappointing our children and causing them to feel frustrated because they can’t have what they want at a given time is a very healthy, good lesson for them – it’s called ‘deferred gratification’: meaning you can’t always have what you want when you want it!

OUT 00:44:30

SILADr. Dorothy Einon, a child psychologist says: ‘Tantrums affect 80% of children between twenty months and four years, and these displays of fury or anger are reserved mainly for the mother. When you face the prospect of a tantrum, at any time, it helps to understand what is going on in your toddler’s mind, especially as your reaction to your child’s tantrum can greatly influence how long it lasts and whether it is repeated. If you get angry, you are playing into the toddler’s hands. Children of tantrum age want their mother’s attention and if they can’t get your smiles, they will take your anger in preference to being ignored.’

Insert – 4.19 Parents – handling tantrums in front of other peopleIN 00:45:09

Eli I think the best way to handle a tantrum is not to get emotionally involved – which is very hard to do, especially if you’re parenting for the first time. And also not to worry about what other people think, because I think that puts the most pressure on if they’re having a tantrum when you’re out and about. If they’re having a tantrum at home, then it doesn’t matter so much. But if you worry about what people think, then you can give in much more easily. But I think the most important thing is to know that, if you feel that you’re right about something, is not to give in, definitely.

OUT 00:45:47

SILAAnd just to encourage you if you’re in this stage – the tantrum years don’t last forever! But how you handle them will have a long-term effect.

Older children (5–10 years old)

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We want to move on and look at how we help children aged five to ten handle their anger. Of course as much as we differ in how we respond when we’re angry, our children will also differ.

Insert – 4.20 children’s different ways of expressing angerIN 00:46:08

Sam And we find our children do react quite differently when they’re angry. Our eldest, who’s now nine, has always been quite articulate and so can argue. So if he’s angry, you get the full force of his sort of (Mm) verbal response to you. And that’s often his first response. As we go down the younger ones, perhaps our six-year-old – less articulate. He’s much more physical so will tend to lash out if he’s angry. It’s harder if you’ve got a child that withdraws when they’re angry, I think. It’s actually easier if they’re a bit more upfront. But they definitely have different ways of showing when they’re angry.

OUT 00:46:48

We may well ‘clash’ with one of our children, or find talking about why they’re angry easier with one child than with another.

One of our sons is just like me – we have always known exactly what mood he is in. As a young child, if he was really angry with us, he would jump up and down on the spot out of sheer frustration, doing a near perfect impression of a pneumatic drill. This would reduce the rest of the family to hysterical laughter and make him crosser still. Then, as he got older, he would often vent his pent-up feelings by doing something like kicking a football hard against a wall. He is a rhino, like me – and we would often clash – dramatically!

Another of our sons is a hedgehog, more like Nicky – the danger was we never knew if he was feeling upset unless we managed to pick up a few hints – usually at bedtime.

In order to help our children, it’s important to read each one individually. What we’re aiming to teach them is neither aggression (like the rhino) nor suppression (like the hedgehog) but expression of what they’re feeling in a controlled way.

In effect we’re helping our children express their anger verbally and pleasantly. We are helping them on a slow journey of learning to articulate their angry feelings in a mature way. We may need to correct behaviour like being rude, shouting, throwing things, swearing, hitting others – but without shutting down.

Insert – 2.21 Julie Johnson – helping children to express angerIN 00:48:13Julie Johnson So if a child says to you – when you’re talking about helping a child to express

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their anger – if a child says, ‘I hate you, Mum!’ or `I hate my sister!’ so often parents will say something like this: ‘You can’t hate your brother/you can’t hate your sister.’ I would say something like, ‘It sounds like you’re feeling really angry at the moment towards your brother or sister.’ So you language the emotion. You actually reflect back to them what they may be feeling, and then you help them to express it in an appropriate manner.

But also you may give them space. So you may allow them to storm upstairs, and you don’t run after them. You allow them to calm down. We know biologically that, where anger spikes in the brain, the medulla floods the neo-cortex, the thinking part of the brain, and that then stops someone thinking clearly for up to an hour. And so children need to be allowed to run away, to calm down, to actually manage their anger and not to be pinned into a corner and be made to talk, when actually maybe they can’t talk.

OUT 00:49:10

NICKY

Teaching our children to manage their anger

We want to look at three principles which help us in teaching our children to manage their anger.

1. Recognise it’s a long process

First of all it helps to recognise it’s a long process. We have our children with us for eighteen years or so, and it will generally take all of that time to train them to express their anger appropriately.

We need to teach them that tantrums won’t lead to them getting what they want; that hitting a younger sister, when they’re angry, gets them into trouble. They are on a process of learning that ultimately talking it through when they’ve calmed down, is better than sulking or slamming doors.

There were times when we despaired and wondered if a particular child would ever learn to express anger without taking it out on others. It seemed to take a long time to see progress.

For certain children, and where there are difficult circumstances, the process can be harder and longer and we may need to seek professional advice.

2. Try to find the root cause of the anger

The second principle is, we have to try to find out the root cause of their anger. The only way we can do this is by listening to our child, using the skills and tools we’ve looked at earlier. It may be that they’re angry because they can’t get their own way, or they’ve

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been hurt by someone, or they feel they’ve been unfairly treated by us or by others. Again, remember ‘HALT’, and think, are they hungry, anxious, lonely or tired?

Of course it’s not always easy to work out the root cause of anger – it might be a combination of reasons. Sometimes our children may not even know themselves. As they are growing up, they will at times experience new and complex emotions.

Often, as adults, we are only concerned that they understand us, and we fail to make the effort to try to understand them by listening carefully. Of course, it’s difficult to listen if the child in question is angry and behaving irrationally. We may be so focused on the immature and unpleasant expression of the anger that we fail to see what’s behind it.

Insert – 4.22 Parents – recognising cause of angerIN 00:51:12

Sam We’ve got a good example, actually, of when our eldest, now a nine-year-old, was angry. He came home from school and he was just really obnoxious and very difficult. And I remember sort of saying to him – which is awful to admit, but I remember saying to him, ‘Oh, just, you know, go away, Charlie, and sort yourself out.’ And it probably was the worst thing I could have said to him, in light of the situation, because what was really going on was at school – we’d moved house, we’d moved school, he was learning new friends, learning a new school layout and all of that, and felt very isolated at school, a bit left out, hadn’t been allowed to play football in the day.

And actually me saying to him ‘Go away!’ was quite a harsh thing. And so, whereas when he came home from school I just thought he was being grumpy and, you know, maybe going through a stage, but actually the root of the problem was really that something had upset him in the day. And we then could sit down and talk about what was going on. He admitted a few things that happened at school had not made him feel very nice. And we could talk about it and put some practical things into place to help him the next day.

OUT 00:52:24

SILAThe root cause might be something that means a lot to them – maybe it’s a friendship that’s not going well, perhaps they’re feeling unfairly treated, or it’s to do with getting into the football team – which doesn’t seem that important to us. But, if we don’t try to discover the cause of their anger, we can make our child angier still or drive them to suppress their emotions altogether, and these feelings may then come out in rebellion later on.

Creating an environment in which they can talk and they know we will listen to them helps prevent a build-up of anger and resentment, and encourages a relationship of openness and honesty.

Insert – 4.23 Parents – discussing issues with childrenIN 00:53:04

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Con What I’ve learnt about myself since I’ve become a parent is that the early days are so easy! You love them, you pick them up and you enjoy them; put them to bed – a bottle in their mouth tends to, you know, solve any problem. It’s when they start answering back and they’ve got a brain that works, you know, that sort of can argue or debate with you, and that’s where it gets tricky. And that’s when I guess I’ve gone from `what I say is right and forget about anything else, what you think’ to actually discussing how they feel about things and why they feel about the way they do about certain things. So it’s coming down a couple of pegs and coming alongside them and hearing what they’ve got to say.

OUT 00:53:53

SILAThat doesn’t mean to say that, if their anger is directed at us for putting in a boundary, we should back down. That won’t help them in the long run. We need to insist that they do what we are asking them to do calmly and firmly.

Later on, when they’ve calmed down, we can say, ‘I understand you didn’t want to go home when I said, but that’s no reason to be rude or to speak to me the way you did. Your behaviour didn’t make it fun for anyone’.

3. Model how to resolve conflict well

The third principle for teaching our children to manage their anger is: we need to model how to resolve conflict well.

Behind much anger is unresolved conflict. Few things are more important for children to build healthy relationships than seeing their parents working out their differences and resolving their conflict in a healthy way. Sometimes children see their parents having a row, but don’t see them making up afterwards.

Insert – 4.24 Parents – modeling apologiesIN 00:54:55

Rachel Sometimes we make mistakes. And if we have an argument in the car perhaps, then sometimes it does mean you have to bite your tongue and say, ‘Daddy, I’m very sorry for talking to you like that!’ Because if we don’t model it, then how can we expect our children to behave (Mm) in the same way?

OUT 00:55:14

SILAIf we’re parenting on our own, our children will learn through seeing the way we resolve disagreements with other adults and with our ex, where that is possible.

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Insert – 4.25 Parents – modeling resolving conflictIN 00:55:23

Joy I try and model how to resolve disagreements with my children by them seeing, when I’ve perhaps fallen out with my ex-husband – it can be over a small thing, but we’ve ended up perhaps not saying… You know, maybe he’s been cross with me and I’ve been upset, and I will then seek to resolve that and seek to go to him and say, ‘I’m sorry,’ whether it’s a text message or a phone, or ‘Have I upset you?’ So I go to him and we make peace. And they see that.

OUT 00:55:53

NICKYOur children need to see and hear us saying, ‘I am so sorry,’ and, ‘I forgive you,’ on a regular basis. We must model apology and forgiveness both between us and also with our children. There will inevitably be times when we will make mistakes, when we shout at our children, when we are unreasonable, when we are unfair, and we need to apologise to them.

Insert – 4.26 Parents – saying sorry to a childIN 00:56:17

Mark I definitely think it’s important to say sorry to our children. It really builds bridges, it mends fences. I think it rebonds you back with your child. And they’re learning from it – they’re learning to say sorry as they see you say sorry. (Mm) Sometimes it’s difficult, but it’s really important. You know, if you fall out just before bedtime, it’s really important that I say sorry before they go to sleep. I don’t want them to go to sleep, you know, stewing in their anger, feeling sad that they’ve fallen out with their dad. So. And it’s important for me as well. (Mm) You know, I want them to learn from my mistakes, (Yeah) learn to say sorry as well. It’s very important.

OUT 00:57:06

NICKYWhen children grow up in a home where apologies and forgiveness are the norm, they learn the importance of not leaving things to fester.

Insert – 4.27 Children – saying sorry and forgivingIN 00:57:14

Bart When we say `Sorry,’ he says `Well done’ for saying sorry or telling the truth. ’Cos I told the truth this morning. I was really hungry in the morning, so I got myself this chocolate spread with bread, and I told Mummy that I did that, and she said, `Thank you for telling the truth.’

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Abigail Me and my brother often get into fights, because like my brother starts annoying me or something, and it’s hard to kind of like forgive each other. But after a while we do, and we make up, and it’s better.

OUT 00:57:46

NICKYOne nineteen year old said to us recently: ‘Mum and Dad never leave anything unfinished. A week after some issue, you have completely forgotten about it and they will say, “I am sorry about last week.” It’s taught me that it’s never too late or embarrassing to say you are sorry. Now I can’t sleep well until I have sorted things out.’

As we listen to our children and model good listening, as we control our anger and teach them to control theirs, as they practice relating to other children, they will be better able to become emotionally healthy and be well equipped to build good relationships.

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONWe want you to turn now to the questions for discussion in your manual.

NICKYI am going to close this session with a prayer:

‘Lord, we thank you for your patience and kindness towards us. Thank you that you forgive us when we get it wrong. We pray that our homes will be a place of apologies and forgiveness. Help us to resolve conflict well and to give our children a model of handling anger in a healthy way. And we ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.’

In the next session we are going to look at our long term aim and how we help our children grow in responsibility and make good choices.

Goodbye.

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