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The Root of all Hatred 2

of hatred. He wanted to display this hatred to the Jew. Additionally, he

wanted to get the Jew to acknowledge that he is accountable for being hated.

On this note the Jew was a bit less than accommodating. My guess is that theNazi did not walk away with a sense of satisfaction.

What are we to think about our secularist friend? What is his intent? If thiswas his motivation as well, then, to justify it at any level is a justification for

fueling and fanning the flames of hatred. One thing is certain the secularist

in this story did not initiate this exchange because he felt like discussing the

falafel vendors.

Hatred is a contagious disease (and it can be hereditary). It is always

treatable, but the uncooperative patient usually does not respond to treatment.Like all diseases, in order to treat it, we must first be able to identify it and

diagnose it properly and we must understand what causes it. In short, we

must know:

What is hatred?

What are the symptoms of hatred?

What are the causes of hatred?

And finally:

What are the possible remedies?

Shall we begin?

What is hatred?

Psychologists tell us that hatred is a feeling of loathing toward another entity

that comprises one or more of the following emotions: anger, jealousy, fear,and prejudice. This means that if somebody hates chareidim (or anybody

else), it must be because the chareidim cause him to be angry, jealous,frightened, or the venom of prejudice the chareidi is truly not doing any

of the first three but the hater thinks he is.

In truth, we dont need psychologists to tell us this. The Chumash tells us the

exact same thing. Let us learn about hatred from a real legend, one of the all-

time all-star professional Jew-haters, Pharaoh, King of Egypt:

And he said to his nation, Behold, the nation of the Children of Israel aremore numerous and powerful than are we. Let us outsmart them, lest they

multiply, and it shall be when a war should befall us and they will join

forces with our enemies and battle against us and we will be banished from


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3 One Above and Seven Below

the land.1 and they were in loathing on account of the Children of

Israel.2

And what initially triggered this hatred?And the Children of Israel were fruitful, and they scurried about, and they

multiplied, and they gained strength to a great extent and the land became

filled with them.3

Pharaoh and his nation hated the Jews. This hatred was fueled by the two4

primary emotions that I mentioned above:

Jealousy - Behold, the nation of the Children of Israel are more numerousand powerful than are we.

Fear - Let us outsmart them, lest they multiply, and it shall be when a warshould befall us and they will join forces with our enemies and battle against

us and we will be banished from the land.

I might add that there are indications of prejudice, as well. Prejudice means

opinions that are formed based on unsubstantiated facts.5Pharaoh justifiedhis hatred by declaring that the Israelites are more numerous and powerful

than are we. This is hard to substantiate for if one population is both more

numerous andmore powerful, how can a smaller and weaker populationenslave them?

Obviously, Pharaohs imagination was running amok and, as is often the

case, once ones imagination loses its grip on reality, there is no limit to how

far it can go. Thus, the unfounded doomsday prediction, and it shall be

when a war should befall us and they will join forces with our enemies andbattle against us and we will be banished from the land.

Traditionally, Jewish citizens of the various nations have proven to be

exceedingly loyal to their host countries and to serve as the most patriotic ofsoldiers. There is no basis to assume that this would not have been the case if

ancient Egypt was facing a national crisis. Furthermore, logic dictates that if

a given population is disenfranchised and persecuted by its host, it is that

1 Exodus 1:9,102 Ibid. 1:123 Ibid. 1:7

4 In this example we do not encounter the anger component. I believe that jealousy and fear aremuch more prevalent in general. Notwithstanding, we do not have to search too far to find a

Biblical precedent for hatred based on anger. This is the driving force of Esaus hatred as the

verse says (Genesis 27:41) And Esau begrudged Jacob on account of the blessing that hisfather blessed him; and Esau said in his heartand I will kill Jacob my brother.5 Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary (www.merriam.com) says: Prejudice - An adverseopinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge.

2007-9 Yechezkel Hirshman
http://www.merriam.com/http://www.merriam.com/


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much more likely to rebel and turn against the unfriendly host given the

opportunity. Thus, though Pharaohs reasoning defies logic on two counts,

imaginary fears tend to hijack rational judgment. Not only does Pharaoh getinfected by this affliction, but he manages to infect his entire nation.6

Symptoms

It is not necessary to state that the symptoms of hatred are quite easy to

recognize. As it is one of the most common afflictions of mankind, we see

them all the time. These include (aside from the usual headaches, nausea,

shortness of breath, palpitations, dryness in the mouth, and hives):

intolerance, withdrawal, complaints, criticism, blaming, accusation,domination, and, in the most extreme situations, violence.

Hm-m. What is the difference between the list I wrote out and the one that is

enclosed in parentheses? Oh, I am sure it is quite obvious. The parenthetical

list comprises afflictions that physically affect the person that does the

hating. The one that is hated wont feel a thing. The open list comprises

afflictions that affect the relationship between the hater and the hated. And

they are felt primarily by the hated. The hater is oblivious to them. The

symptoms of the parenthetical list may be indications of any of a whole slewof maladies. But the symptoms of the open list all of them - are indicationsof only one type of malady: a damaged relationship between people. And

these symptoms are perpetrated by those whose goal it is to inflict suchdamage.

Each and every one of these symptoms is an instrument of destruction; theywill maim or destroy any potential relationship. True, they are not equally

destructive - some of them may be relatively mild and others are totallydevastating (I kind of arranged them in order of severity); yet, they are all

symptoms of the same malady. The choice of symptoms that is being putinto effect merely reflects the intensity of the affliction. Lest one may think,

Just because I am critical or prone to blaming this person does not mean thatI hate him. I certainly wish him no harm. It makes no difference.7 Certainly

you truly wish him no directharm, but you are hell-bent on destroying anykind of healthy relationship. A vengeful hatred is only a more acute strain of

6 I am obviously interpreting the scripture from a modern day perspective that all despots arereally paranoid. There is a more fundamental understanding of the scripture that Pharaoh never

lost control of his wits and he was quite aware that his concerns were unfounded. In typical

anti-Semitic fashion, he was consciously inciting his people to cooperate with his plans to

enslave the Jews.7 There is no demarcation point where mild ill feeling toward someone ends and virulenthatred begins.


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the selfsame disease where, in addition to the relationship, the hater is out to

destroy the hated as well.

What we understand from this is that any voluntary course of action whichserves to damage an existing or potential relationship between people is a

display of hatred.

This list of symptoms is very significant because it is intended to be the focal

point of many of the upcoming chapters in the remainder of this book. Iintend to come back to this list and to elaborate on how some of these

symptoms characterize the relationship between chareidim and non-chareidim (Orthodox and otherwise).

Causes

What causes hatred?

Yes, of course, we did previously discuss anger, jealousy, fear and prejudiceand we may even be able to throw in some extras such as feelings of guilt,

shame, frustration and inadequacy, but all of these are actually components,not causes, of hatred. The question is, what transforms human emotions into

anger, jealousy, fear, etc. and ultimately into hatred?

As Tevye the Milchman said: That I can answer in one word

Unhappiness.

Yes, unhappiness! (Its a tradition!)

If someone is happy with himself and with how he gets along with the

important people of his life, he has no motivation to hate anybody. Happy

people do not hate. It is only unhappy people who choose to hate other

people because they feel that it is the other persons fault that they are

unhappy. If only the other person (or people) would not continue to do what

he does, would do something else, or wouldnt be here at all, the poor

oppressed hater [presumes that he] would be happy.

Alas, now that that person wont stop doing what he does, or wont do what I

want him to do, or wont go away, and all this is making me quite unhappy, I

am justified to hate, detest, abhor, loathe, dislike, shun, spurn, hold in

contempt, despise, disdain, deride, ridicule, fault, blame, criticize, condemn,

malign, vilify, denigrate, disparage, deplore, or at least decide that I wont be

best friends with this evil uncooperative demon.8

This concept is not my own. It is modeled from a popular thesis in human

behavior developed by Dr. William Glasser, M.D., founder of the William

8 Incidentally (and sadly), this is how many people feel about their spouses, children, teachers,and/or parents.



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Glasser Institute. He calls his thesis Choice Theory and he calls the resultingapplicationReality Therapy. I cannot do justice to this thesis in the few lines

that I can allot to this discussion, but if I may, I will try to briefly summarizehis assertion.

Dr. Glasser posits that we live in a world that is driven by what he terms

external control. Here is what he means: Human beings are similar to

animals in that they are constantly in search of satisfying their physical needs

for survival and physical comfort. In addition to this survivalneed, humansare unique that they have strictly human emotional needs for love andbelonging, power and respect, freedom, and fun.9 Every individual has his

own profile of what measure of each of these five basic needs is essential forhis well being. For example, some people have a very strong need for power

and respect and not so much for fun and freedom. These people may become

workaholics and control freaks. They may not have much spare time for

themselves, but they dont miss it. Others may have a strong need for love

and belonging and not so much for power. These people will be loyal and

submissive and yet be content. There are myriad combinations.

Each person creates a picture in his mind of what would be for him the ideal

society and environment based on his personal needs and interests. Glassercalls this a persons quality world. This quality world is an imaginary place

in which all of ones needs are met to his satisfaction. Thus, it is natural thatevery person goes about his business doing his utmost to make his real world

come as close as possible to his quality world. Perceivably, this is whatwould make him happy.

For most people, the real world never comes close enough. And so he is

unhappy. The individual subconsciously tries to determine what is going

wrong and his subconscious reaches a natural conclusion: the reason that hecannot attain his quality world is because his quality world is his own. The

people with whom he interacts his spouse and his family, his co-workers,superiors and underlings, his neighbors, government official and authorities,

or perhaps, his clergymen and co-religionists - do not share his personalquality world. They each have their own. Their lack of cooperation in his

quality world is what is making him unhappy. The question now becomes:what must he do to rectify this discrepancy?

The natural answer is to exert whatever influence is available to cause othersto participate in the attainment of his personal quality world. In other words,

get the other people to behave as he wants. This is what Dr. Glasser calls:

9 Dr. Glasser definesfun as any activity driven by the desire to learn something new.


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external control - the endeavor to control the behavior of someone otherthan ones self.10

Theoretically, external control is the simplest solution to attaining happiness,i.e., realizing ones quality world. So it would make sense to implement it

except for one minor snag: it almost never works.11This is because one cannever control another persons behavior. But, being that most unhappy people

are not aware of this fact, this does not stop them from trying. Dr. Glasser

writes that most people maintain an external control psychology that

comprises the following sequential set of beliefs:12

1. I answer a ringing phone, open the door to a doorbell, stop at a red

light, or do countless other things because I am responding to a simpleexternal signal (i.e., my response is not by free choice but rather that

the signal compelledme to do it. YH).

2. I can make other people do what I want them to do even if they do not

want to do it. And other people can control how I think, act, and feel.

(In other words, people have the ability to control others. YH)

3. It is right, it is even my moral obligation, to ridicule, threaten, or punish

those who dont do what I tell them to do or even reward them if it will

get them to do what I want. (In other words, to the extent that I can

control somebody else, I have the right to do it. YH)

Thus, people resort to external control techniques of reward and punishment,coercion, and brute force. All this, in an attempt to realize their quality world

and thereby relieve their misery.

But Dr. Glasser illustrates that belief #1 is wrong. We are not compelled to

respond to external signals. We choose to respond to external signals and wecan choose to respond differently. Consequently, belief #2 is wrong. We

cannot control other people because they have the choice to choose fromwhatever responses are available.13 Belief #3 is not necessarily contingent

10 I suppose that this is what others call manipulation, but for Choice Theory, Dr. Glassers

terminology is more precise because it insinuates external as opposed to internal orself-

orientedcontrol. I will stick to Glassers terminology most of the way through.11 It can be argued that it used to work. That is, that in days of yore, people had a higher level

of respect for authority wives for their husbands, children for their parents, students for theirteachers, and workers for their superiors. Those days are gone. The past few centuries driven

by emancipation and liberal notions have certainly leveled the playing field and have brought

chutzpah to new heights. This was predicted in the Talmud tractate Sota 49b and even by theprophet Isaiah 3:5.12 Glasser, William, M.D. Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom, Harper

Perennial, 1998, p. 1613 This does not say that external control is always impossible. Brute force is often effective.

This is because to force by definition means to coerce an outcome by eliminating all otheralternative outcomes. Thus, a person can be left with little or no choice. Still it is rare to



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upon the first two, but it is a natural attitude of one who subscribes to

external control psychology.

What emerges is that not only are all three beliefs patently false, but asconcerns the first two beliefs, the exact opposite is true. We can only control

our own behavior, we cannot control anothers behavior. When undesirableevents, i.e., things that interfere with our quality world, befall us, we are

naturally unhappy. Thus, we believe that the events made us angry or jealousor fearful. Dr. Glasser maintains that although our natural impulse is to get

angry or jealous or fearful, we dont passively become angry as if we are not

in control. Our own behavior is the only department in which we are indeed

in control - we choose to be angry. Glasser actually dispenses with thetransitive term get angry and replaces it with an active term anger. Weare unhappy about this situation and so we choose to anger, or- we choose toenvy (active tense of being jealous), or- we choose to fear, or- we choose todepress (in contrast to becoming depressed). Ultimately, we choose to remainunhappy and accordingly, as we do not acknowledge this to be our personal

choice and we look toward others as the sole source of our unhappiness, wechoose to hate. This is our behavior and we can control it and nobody else.

Accordingly, says Dr. Glasser, when one is faced with a situation that

conflicts with his quality world, and external control doesnt seem to work,as is often, though not always, the case, it doesnt make sense to continueimplementing a remedy that has not worked until now. It is far more sensible

to shift gears and to see what he can achieve by modifying his own behavior.

This means that a person who is unhappy because of the way that reality

conflicts with his picture of a quality world has two options that are totally

within his control:

Change what he does i.e., his own behavior toward achieving his

quality world OR

Change his picture of a quality world to something more realistic.

Sadly, very few people are students of Choice Theory (Dr. Glasser laments

about this repeatedly in his writings). So the story is usually the same:external control minded people i.e., most of us are adamant that their

have absolutely no other choice. Moreover, one who must control with brute force is

enslaved by the necessity to implement it. I call this the Elevator Door Syndrome. If one

wishes to hold up an elevator, he can do it with ease by putting his hand against the open door.

The only problem is that he is stuck standing there for all the time that he wants to show theelevator who is boss. The minute he tires and removes his hand, the elevator reverts to its

original behavior. Similarly, brute force, even when it works, it is usually temporary and at aprice. The Nazis were so taxed by their policy of enslavement and extermination that they

expended critical resources that were vital to military success. Thus, their frenzy to dominatetheir rivals dominated them.


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relationships with the people who affect their personal quality worlds must

function on theirterms. When it doesnt, they try to remedy the situation by

exerting control techniques reward or punishment, sheer domination, orharassment in the form of criticism and blame. If that doesnt work or it is

beyond their capabilities, they cut these people out of their quality world by

withdrawing from them or discriminating against them (intolerance) or by

doing away with them murder. Regardless, the subject has come no closer

to realizing his quality world and therefore remains unhappy. All that he

accomplished was to damage or destroy a relationship that was potentially

vital to his well being.

Now we understand what causes hatred it is the inability to control orinfluence the behavior of people who do not help one realize his personal

quality world.

We have also learned something else. We have learned that all of the

symptoms of hatred that I described a few pages back are actually commonly

used techniques of external control.

Hateful people are fixated on controlling the behavior of the people who, intheir opinion, are not behaving. Note that this control is totally independent

of the need for power and respect that was listed earlier (page 6) as one ofthe five basic needs that may or may not be a vitally essential component for

the quality world of the individual. Even one who has a low need for power

and respect but has strong unfulfilled needs in other areas for example,

freedom or pleasure (survival) is interested in controlling the behavior of

relevant people to comply with the demands of his needs.

Now, we can better understand Pharaohs concerns. Pharaoh was only

interested in hosting the Children of Israel insomuch as they are instrumental

in helping him achieve his quality world (which probably involved a lot ofpower and respect). Pharaoh had to be in control. It is very likely that the

Israelites were no more numerous than Egypt but they very likely were more

powerful - albeit not in a physical sense. They had their own agenda, their

own quality world; and it did not match Pharaohs. It wasnt so much that

they could overpower or control Egypt but that Egypt could not overpower or

control them. That level of power the autonomy of the Jews - was morethan Pharaoh could tolerate. They are more powerful than we i.e., we

cannot control their behavior, and consequently, they have more power thanwe can manage.

And so, Egypt embarked on a campaign to disempower the Jews and to

augment their own power. Their message was: We will defeat them before



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they defeat us.14 And how does this drama end? Ki ba sus Pharaoh For

Pharaohs horses with their chariots with their riders came to meet the

sea15

In a frenzy of hatred they took their best [remaining] chariots,soldiers and horses and, of their own volition, rushed headlong into a raging

sea. Pharaohs imagination became a self fulfilled prophecy. All because he

thought there were too many Jews hanging around. And he never bothered to

count.

Pharaoh is in good company. The Tanach (and, indeed, history) is replete

with stories of hatred, all of which are composed of the same basic elements:

(1) a protagonist who does not comply with the quality world picture of a

seemingly higher ranking or more powerful antagonist and (2) an antagonistwho resorts to external control techniques in an attempt to compel the

protagonist to cooperate in fulfilling his (the antagonists) personal needs or,

alternatively, to totally remove the protagonist from his quality world. In all

of these cases most observers would agree with the statement: the antagonist

hates the protagonist.

To help visualize this concept, as well as to lighten up an otherwise somber

chapter, I invite the reader to sit in as an observer of a day in the life of a

Biblical psychotherapist. We are about to witness the most popular externalcontrol techniques, a.k.a. symptoms of hatred - intolerance, control by

punishment, control by reward, domination, and murder put into action.Here goes:

Therapist: Miss Lillith, please admit the first patient!

Well-l-l, if it isnt his majesty King Nimrod! What seems to

be the trouble, O Mighty Lion? You dont seem your chipper

self today!

Patient: The Mighty Lion has a thorn in his paw.

Therapist: And who might this thorn-in-the-paw be?

Patient: A disloyal subject.

Therapist: An oxymoron, your Highness. Who could even think of

defying you?

Patient: He calls himself Abram of the Opposite Direction.

Therapist: Not a team player, is he?

14 Sound familiar? This is the message that Noah Efron paraphrased into Tommy Lapids party

line as was noted in chapter n. See page y.15 Exodus 15:19


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Patient: Not in the slightest.

Therapist: Whats his game?Patient: He claims there is an unseeable almighty G-d who created the

entire universe and basically runs the whole shooting match.

Therapist: Ridiculous! Well, if this G-d is unseeable we can simplyignore Him, can we not?

Patient: Not really. This fellows been acting up lately.

Therapist: How so?

Patient: His father went on a business trip and left him minding thestore. By the time poppa got back, every idol but one was in

bits and pieces. Kid claims that the big one smashed the rest

of them. Poppa kinda slipped up and remarked that the idol

cant do that. Kid says, Ah-ha! So you admit these things are

powerless! Now people are talking. If this thing gets around,

you know, no good for business.

Therapist: So, his Majesty is not interested in competition, is that it?

How do you usually handle competitors?

Patient: Never had one.

Therapist: Well there were those fellows that didnt cooperate on that

tower project werent there?

Patient: Oh yeah, these guys were missing the team spirit; it was like

they were talking a different language. In any case, these guys

didnt follow the safety rules. Most of them got involved in

work accidents. Quite unfortunate.

Therapist: What about those towns out West that stopped paying their

taxes.

Patient: They are just a bunch of ignorant boors who cannot seem tounderstand the social value of the tax system. For that reason,

I am sending a specially trained group of tax collectors. These

fellows have a way of explaining things.

Therapist: So Ive heard. Does this Abram fellow pay his taxes?

Patient: On time.

Therapist: What about following safety rules?

Patient: Except for the first two.



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Therapist: Correct me if I am wrong, your esteemed Majesty, thosewould be (1) the Mighty Lion is the King and (2) there is no

other King. So, our thorny friend refuses to acknowledgethese two unshakable principles?

Patient: He seems to have a slightly different version.

Therapist: Well then, perhaps there will be no one to fault but himself if

he were to encounter a work accident. What line of work is

he in?

Patient: Education - not an accident prone field. Besides, an accident

would not be in my best interest. People may misunderstandand others may take his place.

Therapist: You could cut off his state funding.

Patient: Id like to cut off a lot more than that. But hes got a privatelyfunded institution; doesnt take a dime.

Therapist: But even so, he must comply with the states curriculum.

Patient: He assures me that he spends a great deal of class time

discussing everything about our wonderful King. Now, I have

a real strong hunch that he doesnt mean me, only its been

impossible to prove.

Therapist: Well, havent you sent him some students from the Nimrod

Knowledge Verification Department?

Patient: You mean the NKVD? Yes, Ive sent throngs of them. Next

thing you know they are all at the camel stations handing out

candles and kerchiefs to the women and tying up the menwith black leather boxes. Not one ever came back to report.

Therapist: But is he not required to abide by the rules of the Teachers

Union?

Patient: Hes been turning down the membership. Says he doesnt

need the benefits.

Therapist: What does his Royal Highnesss union chief usually do with

people who refuse to be a member?Patient: He dismembers them.

Therapist: So, why not now?

Patient: Like I said, people are talking. We can dismember him but

that wont take care of his unseeable G-d. I want to see his


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entire ideology go up in smoke.

Therapist: Perhaps his Eminence oughtnt be so dominating. Maybe itwould help if you showed him a little warmth, if you try to

meet his ideas with a bit of fiery enthusiasm.

Patient: Yes, youre right. Maybe I shouldnt try to force him to see

things my way just because everybody else does. Maybe I

should leave him alone in a well-lit quiet spot and see how

things heat up. The more I think of it the better I feel.



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Therapist: Well then, O Great One. That sums it up for now. Pleasecome back next week and let me know how things went. And,

oh, as usual, this session is on the house.

Next patieWhat is that Miss Lillith? Urgent call on Line 3?

Sounds a bit frantic? Alright, Ill take the call. Hello! Yes,

Mr. Caine. How are you? Oh, Im so sorry to hear that.

Your younger brother, huh? Yes, you already told me thatyou think he is just so much hot air. - Yes, I see. You just

couldnt manage to get your offering to score points and Ah-ha. He could do it and you just werent Able. Please,

Mr. Caine, you must calm down and try to relax. Perhaps, ifyou only improved the way you Uh-huh. Others have

been telling you that lately? Well, maybe OK, OK. Just

please calm down. What if you just had a nice talk - You

did? What was it that you said to your brother? Nobody is

supposed to know? Well, your secret is safe with me. Now,

now, please, try to control yoursel - What was that? He

makes you want to just No, Mr. Caine, you cant be

serious. That will solve nothing. You must consider theconseque Mr. Caine, I beg of you, lets not start a mutiny,

please just take a deep breath and relax. Even if you were toget away with it, as you say, you must realize that you

would be ostracized from society. You would become adrifter, marked for life - Mr. Caine, may I suggest an

emergency appointment? Can you be in my office at 4:00? -Very well. In the meanwhile, just lie down and rest and dont

speak with anyone, especially your brother. You need not be

your brothers full time watchman. See you at 4:00, then? -OK, good-bye.

Miss Lillith, this client is quite distraught and I am concerned

that he may do something irrational. Please alert the properauthorities and you may admit the next patient.

Ah yes, Mr. Lavan deCheat. Its been what about six yearssince you came to me last? And, how are you today?

Patient: Not as good as yesterday!

Therapist: And what seems to be the problem?

Patient: Its my son-in-law, again. He ran off on me just when I wastrying to get the upper hand.


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Therapist: Would you like to tell me about it?

Patient: Well, you know how its been these past twenty years. Justlike I told you, this fellow comes to visit me without a dime.

He didnt even bring a bottle of wine for Shabbos. Now, I see

a great opportunity here. Ill get this guy to run my business,

do the dirty work. You know, work myself up on his

shoulders. I was just afraid that right after I show him theropes, hell bolt on me and go into business for himself. So I

had a great plan to pin him down for a while: promise himone daughter for seven years of labor, then, when the seven

years are up, Ill pull the old bride switcheroo and get him toput in another seven years for his beloved. I figured that by

then hell forget all about his home town and hell be my

personal sheep dog. I even threw in two extra daughters to

make sure he stays put.

Therapist: Yes, yes. I recall you told me all that at our last session.

Patient: Well, would you believe that after the fourteen years the

ingrate wants to pack up and leave? After all Ive done forhim! He says, What do I have to stick around for? You nevereven gave me a share in the business. Come on, four wives

arent enough? Now, Im a bit worried because my boys whohave been partying around all this time dont really know

how to run this business, they would just run it to the ground.

Therapist: Of course, Mr. deCheat. There is no need to go over the

details from six years back. We did set a strategy then, did wenot?

Patient: Yes we did. We decided that I should give him a piece of the

business, just nothing to get excited about. Hell get all the

freaks and rejects, which there wont be many of cuz all ofmy sheep have been coming out white as snow. Thatll keep

him in the fold without a controlling share.

Therapist: So how did that work out?

Patient: Not like I expected. All of a sudden, freaks and rejects were

in high demand. Nobody wanted a white sheep anymore. And

- would you believe it? all the first bred sheep were coming

out speckled and striped and only the second litter was white.

He was making a mint on my account.

Therapist: So what did you do?



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Patient: Like any self respecting businessman, I demanded torenegotiate the terms. I thought that would rile him up.

Therapist: And what did he say?

Patient: He said, No problem. You just call em. I said, How about

you just taking the patchy ones with striped feet.

Therapist: And?

Patient: The guy didnt flinch. Three weeks later hes walking aroundwith a whole flock of patchy ones like that. I told him that I

didnt really mean patchy like that, I meant speckled oneswith patches on the ankles. Three weeks later Voila! A new

flock just like we said. I changed the deal again but now Imgetting a bit suspicious so I send some of my boys to spy on

him. They tell me that hes been taking wooden sticks andputting stripes and spots on them and sticking them over the

troughs. Ah-ha! So now I really give him a tough one

brown sheep with white patches at the shoulders, stripes on

the legs and a speckled tail. Lets see him do that with those

sticks. All he says is, No problem. And three weeks later,there they are. Man, I must have done this 100 times. Hes got

the craziest looking sheep that anyone has ever seen and I get

all the white ones. Just, for some nutty reason, people are

willing to pay five times more for his freaky sheep than for

my normal ones.

Therapist: So your sheep dont have much market value?

Patient: No, I wouldnt say that. My sheep still bring in big bucks. Im

the chief exporter of sheep to Canaan; they got no one there

who knows how to raise them. You know our mottos: Let

deCheat and Sons Pull the Wool Over Your Eyes and

Theres Nuttin Like Our Mutton. Im still raking in a hefty

profit (of course, thats not what my accountant tells the tax

people). No, I aint goin hungry.

Therapist: Then why such a long face?

Patient: Well, as rich as I kept getting, this lazy good-for-nothing son-in-law kept getting richer - on my stock! This really burns me

up. Im having bad dreams. I asked him if he ever gets baddreams. He says, No, I hardly ever sleep at night. No

wonder! Hes too busy counting sheep. They ought to be my

sheep. This guys got my sheep and hes got my daughters and


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hes got my grandsons and all I have is this miserablemansion and all of these

Therapist: Now, Mr. deCheat, get a hold on yourself. If you dont like

this fellow, why do you miss him?

Patient: Because, as much as I got, hes got more. And now he wants

to relocate and open up his own operation down in Canaan. I

had the market cornered there. Hell blow me out of the

water!

Therapist: Now, now, Mr. deCheat. I am certain that you can open new

markets. I think that you would do splendid in Midian.

Patient: I dont care if I get Midian, Moab and the whole East Bank. Ifthis guy is headed to Canaan, thats where all the action is and

I want it.

Therapist: So, what do you have in mind?

Patient: Im gonna go after him and see if I cant uproot every last

shred. Nobody gets the best of Lavan deCheat.

Therapist: Mr. deCheat, I am a bit less than optimistic about your

chances for success, but if you feel that this will achieve your

noble aims, then I wish you all the best. Please get in touch

with me in, say, another six years and let me know how

things are going. Oh, and, I dont mean to be pretentious, but

you still have an outstanding balance for our previous

sessions.

Patient: No problem, Ill have one of my boys drop off some striped

and speckled sheep soon as theyre born. Thank you ever so

much.

Therapist: Next patient, please. Ah. A new face. And to whom do I

attribute this honor?

Patient: I didnt really want to come but my wife kind of talked meinto it.

Therapist: You must be a very devoted husband Mr?

Patient: Hamdatha. Ben Hamdatha. My friends call me Haman. And

Ive got lots of friends.

Therapist: And a caring wife. Now, in what way can I be of service, Mr.

Haman?



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Patient: Well, Im a pretty important guy. Got a top governmentposition, friends in high places, you know. Lots of sons and a

good deal of wealth and, you know, all of this is barely wortha cent to me just cuz of one guy who sits by the palace gate

and I cant get him to

By now, we should be noticing a pattern:

Why did Nimrod hate Abram, Cain hate Able, Lavan hate Jacob, and Haman

hate Mordechai?

Because they were unhappy people who looked upon the recalcitrant

behavior of others who affect their quality world as the source of theirunhappiness.

And what did they do?

They attempted to control the actions of these other people.

Did that bring them any closer to realizing their own quality worlds?

You judge.

And so, why do non-Jews hate the Jews?

Because they do not like their behavior, they believe that they can and are

entitled to control this distasteful behavior (see the three basic beliefs on

page 7) and it is not working.

Why do many secular Jews hate the religious Jews?

Because the behavior of the religious Jews does not fit into their picture of aquality world. They would like to manipulate their behavior, but it is not

working.Why is it that there are some non-chareidi Orthodox Jews who hate the

chareidim?

Because the chareidim do not behave as they would like. They would like to

be able to control their behavior, but it doesnt work.

(Incidentally, if any of you readers are at odds with your spouse, your

children/parents, employer/employee or teacher/students, would you like to

know why?)And what about the chareidim, are we immune from external control

psychology?

Well, of course nobody is totally immune from it. It is, after all, theimpulsive human tendency to try to meet our needs, or solve our problems,


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by getting others to change their behavior instead of changing our own.

Nobody wants to change and it is not an easy thing to do. It always seems

much better to allow, or manipulate, the other fellow to do it; he needs tochange I dont. In fact, I intend to discuss in upcoming chapters some

situations where some chareidim do attempt to exert external control on

others on internal issues. And, needless to say, external control is a stunt that

everybody tries at home. Yet, when it comes to the relationship between

chareidim and non-chareidim (Orthodox or not), the chareidim play the game

differently.

Lets return to our Biblical psychotherapist. Did you notice something

peculiar about all these cases? The external control and, consequently, thehatred was a bit one sided. There is no indication that Able attempted to

control Cains behavior, nor Abram to control Nimrod, nor Jacob to control

Lavan, nor Mordechai to control Haman.16

Why not?

The natural assumption would be that the protagonist hero was a meek

underdog who was powerless to oppose the sinister antagonist. He is the poorvictim of an overwhelming oppressor. We picture in our minds adjectives

such as wimp and goody-two-shoes. They were simply not capable.

I am not convinced.17 My impression is that the reason all of these great

people eschewed external control psychology is because they knew better.That is because they are chareidim they know Chumash with Rashi. They

also know all the principles of the philosophical works that are discussed back in chapter 7. And anybody who knows all of that, knows Choice

Theory. This is because Dr. Glasser didnt invent Choice Theory. We

chareidim had it first.18

During a videotaped interview,19 Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski corroborateda thought that he had heard, Whatever is psychologically valid can be found

to have a basis in the Torah. When I was first introduced to Choice Theory,my mind immediately bombarded me with a barrage of popular tenets from

the scriptures, Talmud, and Jewish ethical works that articulate these very

concepts. There are likely enough sources to fill up a new chapter and this

16 I would assert the claim that all of these protagonists meet my definition of chareidi,

although we do not really know a great deal about Able.17 Rabbi Yochanan in Midrash Rabbah, Genesis 22:17 maintains that Able was stronger thanCain and initially pinned him down. Cain pleaded for his life and Able released him

whereupon Cain rebounded and killed Able.18 Dr. Glasser as much as concedes this point on page 192 of his bookReality Therapy in

Action (Harper Collins, New York, 2000).19 CreditA Conversation with Rabbi Avraham Twerski, Torah Educational Software, Inc.



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one is already too long. I will present a modest list in a footnote.20 You might

notice that I have listed more than ten references from Pirkei Avot alone, all

of which, in some way, touch upon some aspect of Dr. Glassers ChoiceTheory. Back in chapter 7, I heralded Pirkei Avot as a comprehensive

anthology of chareidi ideals and, if you recall, I even stated that Pirkei Avot

focuses primarily on sustaining social relationships (page ?).

The list of sources is far from complete. In fact, I purposely omitted two of

the most fundamental sources to illustrate how central this philosophy is to

chareidi ideology. The runner-up of the two is the notable Mishna in Pirkei

Avot 4:1:

Who is mighty? He who subdues his inclinations. As the verse says, Onewho is placid is better than a hero; and one who rules over his spirit is better

than one who conquers a city.

This adage, that true heroics is the ability to control ones own behavior, is so

much a part of Orthodox consciousness that almost every Orthodox Jewish

day school in the world has it enshrined into a mural and prominently

displayed somewhere in the main hallway. Every chareidi kid wins prizes for

quoting it by heart. It most certainly makes an impression. Moreover, if we

look at the entire Mishna, we find that it covers most of the five basic needsthat combine to form an individuals quality world:

Fun, which Glasser defines as the drive to learn new things Who is

wise? He who learns from all men.

Survival, which includes material wealth and pleasures Who is

wealthy? He who is joyous with his portion.

Power and Respect Who is honored? He who honors all who are

created.

Freedom This is not alluded to in this specific Mishna but we find later

on in Pirkei Avot (6:2): For we do not find one who is free other than he

who is busy with Torah study.

And what is it that, in my opinion, holds first place as the ultimate source to

illustrate that we chareidim maintain a more internal oriented ideology than

the ever-popular external control psychology that afflicts most of mankind?

The envelope please

would you believe it? its Leviticus 26:3!

20 Genesis 4:7: Exodus 19:5,6; Leviticus 19:18; Deuteronomy 11:13, 26-28; Ibid. 26:17-19;Ibid. 30:11-20; Tzephania 2:1; Psalms 1:1-3; Ibid. 34:13-15; Proverbs 16:7; Kohelet 9:11;

Pirkei Avot 1:14, 2:1, 2:4, 2:7, 2:15, 2:16, 3:13, 4:10, 4:28, 5:13, 5:22; Talmud Bavli Gittin6b,7a; Avoda Zara 17a; Sanhedrin 18a.


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Thats right! The same passage that lays the groundwork for defining what is

a chareidi tells us what we must do to find true gratification:

If you are to walk within my statutes and guard my commandments andperform them.

As I wrote in chapter 3, this verse which, in its original Hebrew, comprises

all of eight words, presents the whole picture (of course, we still need Rashi

to spell it out for us) with a clear message: it is entirely within our control. If

we behave in the manner that G-d the Father expects from us then we meritthe compensatory benefits package:

I shall give the rains in their time and the land will give forth its yield and

the tree of the field will give its fruit. And the threshing will linger until thegrape harvest And I will give peace to the land And you shall pursue

your enemies, and they shall fall And I will devote my attention to you,

and multiply you And I shall put my sanctuary in your midst And I

shall walk in your midst and be your G-d and you shall be to me for a

nation

In other words, G-d is promising us success with all of our relationships, be itwith our livelihood - rainfall and bountiful crops; with our neighbors

peace to the land; with our enemies who hate us and want to destroy us21

and they shall fall; with our families and multiply you; and, especially,with G-d. Here, the Torah is presenting a generic societal quality world, andit is all contingent upon our own behavior. It wont do us a bit of good to

coerce anybody else to comply with this program nor will our quest to reachthe summit of Mt. Neverest our ultimate quality world be impeded by

anyone elses behavior. In fact, outside of judicial law and some references to

childrearing that appear in Proverbs22 (which are themselves subject to

interpretation) there is virtually nothing in all of Jewish literature that

advocates any form of external control.What comes out is that the dedicated chareidi is much less predisposed to theforces of hatred than is the non-Jew, non-religious and even the non-chareidi

for the following two-dimensional reason:

To the non-Jewish Jew hater, the mere existence of the Jew in his real world

picture severely imposes on his quality world picture. No matter howremoved or uninvolved from the Jew that he may be in practice, he cannot

21 The thrust of Choice Theory is to better the relationships that affect our quality world.Nevertheless, if a relationship has become destructive and is beyond our power to improve, we

are forced to protect our own quality world as the need for survival is the most primordial of

the basic needs that it comprises. But even when this is necessary, if it is totally driven by

external control with no aspect of self control the chances of success are reduced as noted

previously (footnote 13).22 Proverbs 13:24 and 23:14



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remove the Jew from his real world picture and, as such, his quality world

picture cannot be gratified. This is what they call The Jewish Problem. What

this indicates is that they maintain some obscure kind of relationship with theJewish entity, which defies explanation,23 that does not meet their fancy but

they cannot manage it unless they resort to very extreme final solutions

such as forced conversions, anti-Jewish legislation, enslavement and

extermination. To the anti-religious secular Jew, the religious Jew is even

more imposing.24As neither of the above two communities hold G-d in either

their quality world or their real world pictures, their relationship with the

[religious] Jew occupies a prominent [sore] spot in their real world picture.

Even the religious Jew who does hold G-d in his quality world picture, if hehappens to be anti-chareidi - i.e., the haters and shunners a la Isaiah - it is

because he allows the chareidim, and the way he perceives their behavior, to

occupy too prominent a spot in his real world picture. Accordingly, the

behavior of the chareidi imposes upon his quality world, he will be unhappy,

and will look at the chareidi as the source of his unhappiness.

The dedicated chareidi,25 on the other hand, makes his relationship to G-d the

preeminent relationship in his quality world. This relationship is one over

which he has full control as is indicated in Leviticus 26:3. Consequently, noone not the anti-Semitic non-Jew, nor the anti-religious secular Jew, nor the

anti-chareidi religious Jew is capable of interfering with this relationship.As such, the chareidi is capable of gratifying his quality world despite the

non-compliance of his adversaries. This is one dimension of the distinctionbetween chareidim and non-chareidim that I wish to make.

The second dimension is simply that the primary social components of hatred

that I listed above jealousy, anger, fear, and prejudice are not prevalent

attitudes in our relationships to non-chareidim. Consider the following: Jealousy - It is typical for the non-Jew or non-chareidi to look over his

shoulder and to note some of the more spiritual benefits that accompany

the lifestyle of a devout Orthodox Jew with a tinge of envy. He senses

that these benefits are for the most part inaccessible to him unless he is

prepared to undergo a drastic lifestyle change. One cannot have his cake

23 Conceivably, if they dont like us they could simply ignore us. As Rabbi Berel Wein once

said in a tape, Nobody hates Venezuela. (This was way before the rise of Hugo Chavez.)But, as we know, the standard rules of civilization do not apply to us. As Dr. Seuss would say:Why do the goyim hate the Jews? I do not know, but its not news.24 This may be because they cannot resort to forced conversion, enslavement, or extermination.

They have to make do with anti-religious legislation.25 There is no denying that copious members of the chareidi camp may be less than dedicated.This is why we notice chareidim who are afflicted with external control psychology.


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and eat it, too. Conversely, the chareidi certainly has no cause to be

jealous of the non-chareidi being that, if he so desires to enter the non-

chareidi world, he can do so at the drop of a hat. Anger Anger is a component of hatred whereas the hater feels that he

has been injured or wronged by the hated. This is a consequence of theactions of the hated disrupting the haters realization of his quality world.

This rarely applies to a chareidi being that, as I wrote, the preeminentrelationship that resides in the quality world picture of the chareidi is his

relationship with G-d. This relationship is immune from outsideinterference and, as such, a chareidi cannot perceive a non-chareidi as

injuring this relationship and disrupting the realization of his qualityworld. The chareidi has no cause to be angry toward the non-chareidi.

Fear I have seen numerous newspaper pundits exclaim that we (the

Israeli public) must [forcibly] integrate the chareidim into the work

force. Or, better, The chareidim must understand that they will haveto Yet, I suppose that most of these citizens would panic if they were

to see a sudden influx of chareidim infiltrate their workplaces.Conversely, there are quite a few unoccupied seats in the numerous

chareidi study halls throughout the world, and it would not scare us a bitto see the secular Jews fill them up. The chareidi does not live in fear that

the non-chareidim are going to invade his overpriced Shabbat restricted

neighborhood and drive him out. Nor is he worried that they will flood

his schools with their children. Go ahead make our day!

Prejudice The chareidi has no illusions that non-chareidim cohabitate

through bed sheets. Trust me on this one.

The sum total is that in addition to what I wrote earlier that the chareidi is

capable of gratifying his quality world despite the non-compliance of his

adversaries, he has much less external cause to be unhappy in the first place

and certainly has no need to look at anybody else as an obstacle togratification.

This brings to a close our discussion on the root causes of hatred. Only one

issue remains what can be done to remedy this problem?

Unfortunately, the philosophy of Choice Theory dictates that there is not

much that the hated can do to pursue the gratification of his own qualityworld and, at the same time, meet the demands of somebody elses quality

world especially when they are in conflict. Only the one who is afflicted with

non-gratification and the components of hatred can modify his quality world

picture or his method of gratifying it.



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In the meantime, we are faced with the age old technique of dealing with the

symptoms when we cannot treat the disease. In the upcoming chapters we

will attempt to relieve the most debilitating symptoms.

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