[Ringle Material #46] Work & Family We learned into our ... · Microsoft Word - [Ringle Material...

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Material for your English session

Work and Family: We Leaned Into Our Marriage

eBay CEO John, and his wife, Eileen, the U.S. Ambassador to the UN Human Rights Council, on the 5 things that make their partnership work.

RingleGreat people. Great conversation. Great English. Just for you.



[Summary in English] “I sacrificed my career for my family.” “I failed to take care of my family in my pursuit of success.” These are the choices that working women and men in Korea unfortunately have to face.

Regarding this choice, one man has said, “Be free from conventional wisdoms.”

● Keep a “positive sum” mindset: career and family should not be a zero-sum game. ● Don’t be afraid to ask. Creative solutions often emerge: when faced with a difficult decision,

seek help rather than feeling the pressure to decide at once.

“People outside of one’s family should not get involved in private, familial matters.” “Kids should not be included in parents’ discussions.” These are opinions that are also often heard in Korean households.

However, the same man has said that one should value one’s community, use one’s resources, and engage one’s children in familial decisions.

● Build your community: meet and discuss important matters with other couples in comparable situations on a regular basis. In addition, it is wise to seek counsel from marital therapists and receive help.

● Engage your children in your decisions: If there are issues that concern your children, involve them in discussions to come up with solutions. At times, children can be wiser than adults, and parents may be hindrances for the children.

We may be led to believe that this man who is offering such advice does not have a job that is as demanding as our own nor does he comprehend fully our own situations, and we may thus think that he is unqualified to offer his counsel.

You may be surprised to learn that this man is actually John Donahoe, the former president and CEO of Bain & Company, and until recently, the CEO of eBay.

His wife, Eileen Donahoe, was appointed by President Obama as the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Human Rights Council in Geneva. You may also be surprised to learn that this couple has four children.

What do you think are the factors that allowed the Donahoes to become the ideal couple/family?



[Summary in Korean] “가족을 위해 커리어를 희생했습니다” vs. “성공을 위해 가족을 돌볼 수 없었습니다”

이는, 우리나라 직장인들이 사회생활 도중 마주하는 슬픈 선택지 입니다.

이에 대해, “Be free from conventional wisdoms” 라 이야기 하는 사람이 있습니다.

• Keep a ‘Positive Sum’ Mindset: 커리어와 가족을 Zero sum 으로 만들지 마세요 • Don’t Be Afraid to Ask… Creative Solutions Often Emerge: 슬픈 선택지를 마주할 수 있는 상황에선 답을 내리지 말고 오히려 도움을 구하세요.

“가족사에 다른 사람들을 개입시키지 말아라. 애들은 부모님 일에는 참견하지 말아라”

역시 우리나라 직장인 귀에 익숙한 이야기 입니다.

하지만, Value community & Use resources, Engage your children to decision 이라 이야기 하는 사람이

있습니다.

• Build Your Community: 유사한 상황에 있는 부부들과 정기적으로 모여 대화를 나누세요. 그리고, 가끔 상담사를 찾아가 부부 상담을 받아보세요.도움을 받으세요.

• Engage your children to decision: 아이들과 관련된 문제는, 아이들과 함께 문제를 해결해 보세요. 아이들은 때론 어른보다 현명합니다. 그리고 부모가 걸림돌이 될 때도 있습니다.

이런 조언을 들을 때, 우리는 “저렇게 말하는 사람들은, 사실 커리어가 별 볼일 없지 않나? 나에게는

해당하지 않는 이야기다” 라 생각하며 넘길 때가 있습니다.

하지만, 위의 조언자는, 전직 Bain & Company의 President & CEO 였고, 최근까지 eBay CEO 를

역임한 John Danahoe 입니다. 그의 부인은, 오바마 행정부에서 UN 인권위원회 대사를 지낸 Eileen

Danahoe 입니다. 그리고, 그들은 아이가 4명이 있습니다.

무엇이 John Danahoe를 사회적으로 성공한 리더이자, 가정적으로 이상적인 배우자 / 부모로 만들 수

있었던 것일까요?



[에필로그: Stanford MBA 수업 노트]

Stanford MBA 수업에서 인생의 교훈을 얻을 때가 있습니다. Work and Family 수업이 그랬습니다.

그 교훈이 커, Ringle user 분들께도 공유합니다.

Work and Family 수업에 방문한 Guest Speaker 가 공유한, 행복한 결혼 & 가족 생활을 위한 네 가지 팁.

===================================== 1. Care your spouse.

저에겐 대학 졸업 후 몇 가지 커리어 선택지가 있었습니다. 저는 뉴욕에 있는 투자은행/펀드와 베인 보스턴

오피스에서 오퍼를 받았습니다. 저는 베인을 선택했습니다. 가장 큰 이유는, 제 아내가 보스턴에서 석사를

해야 했기 때문이죠. 저는 당시 일말의 고민 조차 하지 않았습니다. 제 인생에서 가장 중요한 가치는

한결같았기 때문이죠. "Top priority to me is us"

2. Be free from conventional wisdoms.

저는 Stanford MBA, 아내는 Stanford Law School 에 입학하게 됩니다. 당시 아이가 2명 있었죠. 두 명 다 full

time student 를 하기 어려운 상황이었습니다. 그래서 저는MBA 딘을 찾아갔습니다. "풀 타임 스튜던트 하기

어려울 것 같습니다. 1년 미루겠습니다”

딘의 대답은 의외였습니다. "그러면 파트타임으로 다녀보자. 다른 학생 대비 수업을 조금만 듣게 해주겠다.

일단 한 번 해보고 next step 을 정해보자" 그렇게 시작하여 MBA 생활을 이어나갈 수 있었습니다.

MBA 졸업 후, 베인 샌프란에서 다시 일을 시작했을 때, 아내는 로펌에서 일을 시작하였습니다. 당시 저는

출장이 너무 많아 아이들을 학교에 데려다 주고 데리러 올 수 없었습니다. ‘퇴사를 해야겠다’ 결심하고,

파트너님에게 이야기 했습니다. "그만둬야 겠습니다. 아이들을 데려다주고 데리고 올 수 없습니다"

파트너님의 답변은 의외였습니다. "그러면 네가 사는 지역의 로컬 클라이언트와 일하면 되지 않아?" 하지만

당시 로컬 클라이언트는 없었습니다. 파트너님은 저를 로컬 지역에 있는 한 회사로 데리고 가, 그 곳

경영진에게 이야기 했습니다. "이 친구가, 당신 회사를 위해 몇 달 동안 무료로 스터디 할 수 있게

해주십시오. 대신 이 친구는 아이들을 학교에 데려다 주고, 데리러 가야 하기 때문에, 그 점은 꼭 지켜

주십시오" 덕분에 저는 아이들과 아내를 care 하며 회사를 계속 다닐 수 있었고, 그 회사는 저의

클라이언트가 되었습니다.

3. Value community.



저흰 아이가 넷 있었습니다. 저희 가족 혼자의 힘으로 모든 일을 처리할 수 없었죠. 당시, 이웃에 사는,

아이들 나이가 비슷한 다섯 가족들과 한 달에 한 번 토요일에 만나, 지난 달 있었던 일들, 고민들을 함께

나누었습니다.

그리고 서로 도왔습니다.

그런데 community 가 해결해 줄 수 없는 일들이 있었습니다. 가끔 직장과 가족을 care 하며 큰 스트레스를

받을 때가 있었습니다. 친한 교수님께 어려움을 이야기 했을 때, 상담사를 소개해 주셔서 상담을

받아보았습니다. 그리고, 아내와 함께 상담을 받기도 하였습니다. 많은 문제가 해결되었습니다. 아내가

상담사에게 하는 이야기를 들으며, 제 이해의 폭이 넓어졌습니다. 지금도 저희는 슬픈 얼굴이 아닌, 기쁜

얼굴로 상담사를 찾아갑니다

4. Engage your children to decisions.

저희 부부는, 아이들의 스포츠게임이 있을 때, 한 번도 빠져본 적이 없었습니다. 아이들 행사는 미리 계획을

해서 꼭 갔죠. 그런데 저는 이베이 CEO 가 되었고, 아내는 오바마 행정부의 유엔 인권 위원회의 미국 대사로

임명되어 제네바로 가야 되었습니다. 아이들의 행사에 빠지는 상황이 발생한 것이죠.

아이들에게 고민을 털어놓았습니다. 그 때 아이들이 이야기 했습니다. "우와 엄마, 진짜 멋지다. 진짜

존경해요. 꼭 제네바에 가서 멋지게 일하다 오세요. 그리고, 사실 저희는 아버지가 꼭 필요하지는 않아요

ㅋㅋ 두분 다 안오셔도 되어요!!" 그 때 얻은 깨달음은, "아이들도 현명한 의사결정을 할 수 있는 주체들이다.

솔직하게 이야기 하자. 그리고 함께 결정하자"

==============================

수업이 끝난 후, "도대체 이 사람은 도대체 누굴까" 라는 생각이 들어 검색해 보았습니다.

이 분은 바로, 베인 앤 컴퍼니의 전 CEO 이자, 이베이의 전 CEO, 그리고 페이팔의 체어맨 이었습니다.

"나도 커리어를 희생하며 살면 저렇게 가족을 위하며 살 수 있다" 라는 이야기는, 이 분 앞에서는 통할 수

없는 말이여서 정말 다행입니다

오늘 수업에서, 또 한 명의 인생의 롤모델을 만났습니다.



[Today’s article]

‘We Leaned Into Our Marriage’ eBay CEO John Donahoe, and his wife, Eileen, the U.S. Ambassador to the UN Human Rights Council, on the 5 things that make their partnership work.

We have been partners in a wonderful and crazy adventure over the past three decades. Our journey together has involved raising four children, creating a rich family life and pursuit of meaningful work. While things may seem clear in [1] hindsight, along the way we were never certain that we were doing things right and we had our moments of doubt. Listening to the passionate conversations around Lean In has led us to reflect on our own experience over almost



30 years of marriage. It’s made us realize that, without knowing it, we have basically been “[2] leaning in” to our marriage, family and careers all along. We were lucky to find each other in college and saw ourselves as equal partners from the start, so we operated from that starting place along the way. During those early years, we just assumed we would “have it all” – fulfilling marriage, family and careers. While we didn’t know how we were going to do it, we took it as a given that we would approach our lives as partners. It wasn’t always easy. But we have learned a few things along the way. Here are 5 things that have helped make our partnership work. Keep a ‘Positive Sum’ Mindset We never framed things in ‘zero-sum’ terms, such as career versus family or your career versus mine. We knew we wanted to integrate marriage, kids and both of our careers from the beginning. There have been plenty of tradeoffs, sacrifices and compromises along the way – these are unavoidable. But operating from a ‘positive sum’ mindset has served us well and opened up the possibility for creative solutions. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask … Creative Solutions Often Emerge Several times we faced situations with our [3] respective careers that on the surface seemed to conflict with our family life. In almost every case a creative solution emerged – that came about by asking for ideas or help from others. Here are a few examples:

• When our firstborn son was 9-months-old, we were both in school at Stanford – Eileen was starting her first year of law school and John was in his second year of business school. As new parents, we were concerned about how best to take care of our son, so John approached the student dean at Stanford to ask to take a year off. The Dean immediately asked “Why don’t you try a reduced load during the fall and you can go part time if you need to?” We never would have imagined that the business school would allow a part-time MBA student – but by asking we found a path that allowed us to find the right balance.

• A few years later, when John was a young consultant at Bain, Eileen began a legal clerkship that required her to be at work early morning every day. That meant John had to take the kids to school. John was travelling constantly and we thought the only solution was for



him to quit his job. So he approached his boss at the time, Tom Tierney. Tom’s response was memorable: “Donahoe, you idiot. You don’t need to quit, we will find a way to make it work.” He proceeded to find a local client that John could support while taking care of the kids. It ended up working beautifully.

• More recently, we faced another potential conflict when Eileen was offered an appointment by President Obama to be US Ambassador to the UN Human Rights Council in Geneva. Given that John was CEO at eBay, and that our two youngest children were still in high school, this prospect at first seemed impossible. But our children’s first reaction to the news was, “That’s great Mom. You should do it! We’ll make it work.” And we did. John has tried to minimize his travel when Eileen is gone, and when she in Geneva we talk or Skype every day. It hasn’t always been easy, but it has worked more smoothly than we imagined.

Build Your Community We have been blessed to find friends who also had complex family and career goals and were similarly working to balance the multiple pieces of their lives. Being able to share our struggles and listen to theirs helped broaden our perspective, led to creative solutions, and gave us the courage to believe that what we were trying to balance was possible. In moments of need they would provide encouragement and practical support to us, and we in turn felt privileged to do the same for them. Having a sense of shared community made us feel less lonely and uncertain about our choices. Real Life Will Help Your Career There is no doubt that our experience as parents of four has made us better at our jobs. On some level, there is no better way to build capacity for teamwork and creative problem solving than by working with a trusted partner to face the complexities and demands of a family. Parenting tends to cultivate new capacities for multitasking and negotiating between different perspectives. It also tends to make you more flexible and innovative at finding solutions. There is no doubt that our family life has made John a better leader and Eileen a better diplomat. Facing the needs of our family and making trade off decisions together has brought out capacities for team work and problem solving that have served us both exceptionally well in our professional lives.



It is Really Hard … But Worth It Our shared journey has taken a lot of hard work. We had [4] plenty of challenges along the way and were never certain that we were “doing it right”. But we started with a vision of life full of family, friends and meaningful work, and stayed with it. This starting place, and the very process of committing to ‘lean in’ to family, marriage and career has given our lives a sense of purpose and meaning. We know there will be challenging moments ahead and times when the right answer does not immediately emerge. But we have developed confidence that by leaning in together, by relying on each other, seeking the support of our community and asking for what we need of others, the answers will emerge. John Donahoe is CEO of eBay. His wife, Eileen Chamberlain Donahoe, is the U.S. Ambassador to the UN Human Rights Council in Geneva. They have four children, and live in Portola Valley, CA. Source of the article: http://leanin.org/news-inspiration/we-leaned-into-our-marriage/



[Today’s Video clip] Please watch these video clips, first.

• Video #1 (Please see the video from 53:50 to 1:01:00) Spring Reunion Keynote - Leadership for Life: John Donahoe & Kent Thiry https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBLmt6X0inU A joint dialogue between Kent Thiry, chairman and CEO, DaVita Inc.; John Donahoe, president and CEO, eBay Inc., MBA '85, moderated by Stanford Graduate School of Business Professor Joel Peterson. The inaugural keynote address "Leadership for Life" was recorded during the 2010 Spring Reunion.

• Video #2 (Please see the video from 16:00 to 18:25) 2016 GSV Constellation Meeting - John Donahoe "Challenges of Leadership in the Digital Age" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qw2o45cv4LA



[11 Key Questions] 1. Why did you choose this topic for today’s class discussion? 2. In your opinion, what kind of spouse and father is John Donahoe? Which of his teachings was/were the most meaningful to you? 3. The article tells us to Keep a ‘Positive Sum’ Mindset. Have you ever thought that your career and your family were tradeoffs? If so, why? If not, how were you able to think that way? 4. The article also tells us, Don’t Be Afraid to Ask… Creative Solutions Often Emerge (Be free from conventional wisdom). Please explain what this means, and imagining yourself in John Donahoe’s position, please describe how you would have acted and why you would have acted in that way. 5. Finally, the article tells us, Build Your Community. Please explain what this means, and what you think about this piece of advice. 6. What are some of the greatest challenges that you feel in your relationships with your spouse/partner and your family? How are you maneuvering your way through these challenges? 7. What are you learning from your relationships with your spouse/partner and your family? Are these relationships related to or enhancing your work abilities?

8-1. What kind of partner do you want to be/become? 8-2. What kind of mother/father to you want to be/become?



9-1. What are the qualities that you look for in a spouse/partner? 9-2. What do you think are the qualities children seek to observe in their parents? What were your parents like? 10. If you observe a discrepancy between your answers for questions 7 and 8, what do you think is the cause of this discrepancy? 11. After reading the article and viewing the video about John Donahoe, please discuss three changes regarding your partner/family that you will work towards from now on.



[Key business-related terms and expressions]

[1] (in) hindsight (sound): (일이 다 벌어진 뒤에) 사정을 다 알게 됨, 뒤늦은 깨달음;

● [영영사전] recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., after its occurrence.

● [Ringle에서 드리는 팁] “Hind” is a noun meaning “back,” “rear,” and/or “posterior.”

From this, we obtain the word, “hindsight,” which is essentially the act of figuratively or

literally looking back. One context in which “hindsight” is frequently used is when referring to “hindsight bias,” which is the inclination, after an event has occurred, to see the event as having been predictable, despite there having been little or no objective basis for predicting it.

● [본문해설] While things may seem clear in hindsight, along the way we were never certain

that we were doing things right and we had our moments of doubt. 지나고 나서 보니 모두

명백 하지만, 예전에 우리는 “맞게 살고 있는지” 확신이 든 적이 없었었고, 의심 가득한

순간을 보내고 살고 있었다.

● [예문] Hearsay and hindsight have been the chief witnesses전해들은 이야기와 뒤늦게

알게 된 것은 중요한 증거들이었다.

● [예문] In hindsight, it's probably just as well that I couldn't. 지나고 나서 보니, 어쩌면

내가 할 수 없었던 것이 오히려 다행이었다.

[2] lean in: 기대다, (최고의 성과를 내기 위해) 기꺼이 위험을 감수하다

● [영영사전] 1) to shift one's body weight forward or toward someone or something; 2) To proactively take charge of a situation; to be bold in exerting one's will in a situation.

● [Ringle에서 드리는 팁] First popularized by Facebook’s Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg in her book of the same name, to lean in is to press on despite extenuating circumstances in order to achieve success, and has been used most frequently when encouraging women to strive for success. However, “leaning in” is still applicable in today’s article because the Donahoes gave it their all in order to make their marriage and careers work simultaneously.

● [본문해설] It’s made us realize that, without knowing it, we have basically been “leaning

in” to our marriage, family and careers all along. 그것은 우리가 성공적 결혼, 가족,



커리어를 위해, 3 가지에만 100% all-in 하고 있음을 깨닫게 했다. (결혼, 가족,

커리어에만 100% 집중했다. Social life 등은 즐기지 못했다)

● [예문] Can you lean in closer so I can tell you? 내가 너에게 말할 수 있게 좀더 가까이

기대줄래?

● [예문] We need to find a way for women to not drop out, but to lean in to their careers and

give them the flexibility they need to stay in the workforce. 우리는 여성들이 중간에 중도

포기하지 않고, 커리어에 적극적으로 임할 수 있도록 방법을 찾아줘야 하며, 여성들이

직장에 계속 남을 수 있도록 유연한 제도를 제공해야 한다.

[3] respective (sound): (명사 앞에만 씀) 각자의, 각각의

● [영영사전] belonging or relating separately to each of two or more people or things.

● [Ringle에서 드리는 팁] When giving a list of multiple items, adding “respective” lets someone know that following information are applicable in the order given by the writer/speaker.

● [본문해설] Several times we faced situations with our respective careers that on the surface

seemed to conflict with our family life. 우리는 표면적으로는 우리 각자의 커리어가

가족의 삶과 충돌을 일으키고 있다고 느낄 만한 상황을 마주했다.

● [예문] The students went back to their respective rooms. 학생들은 각각의 방으로

돌아갔다.

[4] plenty of: 많은

● [영영사전] a large or sufficient amount or quantity; more than enough.

● [Ringle에서 드리는 팁] “Plenty of” denotes an abundance that is somewhat to an excess.

Another way to think about this phrase is, “not short of.”

● [본문해설] We had plenty of challenges along the way and were never certain that we were

“doing it right”.우리는 수 많은 챌린지를 마주했고, 우리가 “옳게 살고 있다” 고 확신을

가져본 적이 없었다.

● [예문] The students went back to their respective rooms. 학생들은 각각의 방으로



돌아갔다.

[Ringle Material #46] Work & Family We learned into our ... · Microsoft Word - [Ringle Material...

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