Effective Communication

Semira Rahemtulla October 9, 2015

Who am I?

Most recently…• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell

Previously…• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire (IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)• UX Designer @ Vividence (Acq by Keynote)• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer

Science

Semira RahemtullaCofounder of InnerSpace

Who are you?

Why am I doing this?

With special thanks to…

Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]

Disclosure & Vulnerability 40 mins

Feedback & Influence, part 1 60 mins

Break 10 mins

Feedback & Influence, part 2 50 mins

Closing 10 mins

TOTAL ~3 hrs

Agenda

I will…– Give you my best– Take breaks– End on time– Send you slides & further reading

What else would be helpful for you?

Working AgreementsWorking Agreements

I ask you to…

Respectconfidentiality

Photo by Vox Efx [link]

Working Agreements

I ask you to…

Challenge yourself

Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

Working Agreements

I ask you to…

Minimizedistractions

Photo by Robert S. Donovan [link]

Working Agreements

Photo by Luz Adriana Villa [link]

I ask you to…

Wait for breaks &Return on time

Working Agreements

I ask you to…– Challenge yourself– Respect confidentiality– Minimize distractions– Wait for breaks & return on time

Can we all commit to this?

Working AgreementsWorking Agreements

One Big Idea

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #1

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTAssumptions

FeelingsResponsesReality #3

The Net

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Everyone feels them; we just pretend we

don’t.

Convey crucial information; absence of emotion leaves out

half the story.

Emotions indicate importance. Most

powerful motivator?

They are an early warning

system

Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Disclosure & Vulnerability

Self-Disclosure

Will I be less liked,

respected, influential

(leader-like)?

Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the

relationship?

Will others use this

information against me?

How will others

see/assess/ judge me?

“What in my ‘bubble’

should I share?”

Self-Disclosure

“ VULNERABILITY ISTHE BIRTHPLACEOF CONNECTION. ”BRENÉ BROWN

Feedback & Influence

Working AgreementsJohari Window

OPEN/PUBLIC

PRIVATE UNKNOWN

I know I don’t know

You know

You don’t know

Reactions/Feedback

Disclosure

BLIND

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?

1. Personal Development2. Team Effectiveness3. Stronger Relationships

Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

Can I give you some feedback?

Photo by State Farm [link]Social situations ≈ Physical threats

Threat Response

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

David RockWhat social situations triggera threat response?

StatusCertaintyAutonomyRelatednessFairness

SCARF Model

So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #1

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTFeelings

ReactionsResponsesReality #3

The Net

The Net (again)

Feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

• Focus on specific, observable behaviorWhen you do [x]…

• Describe the impact of that behavior on youI feel [y]…

• Ask about the other person’s motives or intentions

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Stay on your side of the net!

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…

1. Aarjav, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.

2. Aarjav, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.

3. Aarjav, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a good job with this presentation.

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

1:1 Feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback

• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Learning is better than being right– Goal is understanding, not winning

• Listen and ask clarifying questions• Acknowledge your feelings• Gift mentality

– Say “Thank you!”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback

• Give more!!!• Do not praise to buffer criticism

– Avoid “The Sandwich”• Do not praise to overcome resistance• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:

– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost

every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback

• Assume good intent; be curious• Use a soft start

– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:My intention is…When you do [x], I feel [y].

• Be aware of your own stress• Goal is joint problem solving

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback

• Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area

• Communication & Management– Too much/ little, choice of format, email etiquette, language choices,

communication style in front of others, transparency of project status, hiring/firing/promotions

• Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from this person, How do they impact

others? What do they model well? Anything you worry about? Arrival/departure times, attire, how they speak/listen/act?

Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

Challenge Yourself

Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net