Revising Business Messages
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Transcript of Revising Business Messages
Revising Business Revising Business MessagesMessages
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Phase 3: RevisingPhase 3: Revising1. Revise: Revise for 7 Cs (clear,
conversational, courteous, coherent, concise, complete, correct), directness, vigor, tone, and “scanability”
2. Proofread: Proofread to verify spelling, grammar, punctuation, and format. Check for overall appearance
3. Evaluate: Ask yourself whether the final product will achieve its purpose, set up feedback mechanism
Know when to revise…Know when to revise…
…and when to start over!
RevisingRevising
Discussion: Discussion: Communication MattersCommunication MattersGolden Rules of Writing Well• Notice the name of the journal where
this article was published – why do people in this field need to write clearly and with “strong verbs”?
• What are some examples of “verbing” (turning a noun into a verb) that you use? Are these appropriate for business writing?
Revising techniquesRevising techniques
• Keep it simple and conversational
• Keep it direct, clear, and vigorous
• Avoid awkward phrasing – have a rhythm
• Avoid pompous, “instant prose”
• Avoid passive voice
• Avoid perfect tense, “to be” verbs, 3rd person
• Avoid “nouning”
• Develop parallelism
• Apply graphic highlighting
Keep it simple.Keep it simple.
Avoid indirect, pompous “instant prose”
Poor: It would not be inadvisable for you to affix your signature at this point in time.
Improved: You may sign now.
Poor: Frequently a chapter’s title in a book reveals to the reader the main point that the author desires to bring out during the course of the chapter.
Improved: A chapter’s title often reveals its main point.
Source: George Mason University Writing Center
Keep it simpleKeep it simple
1. Succeed in making
2. Were found to be in agreement
3. At this point in time
4. Made the statement that
1. Succeed
2. Agreed
3. Now
4. Stated
Replace these wordy phrases with one word:
Keep it simpleKeep it simple
Eliminate stale, puffed-up expressions as per your
suggestion pursuant to your request enclosed please find please feel free to call thank you in advance
as you suggestedas you requested
enclosed isplease callthank you
Keep it simpleKeep it simple
• at such time• at which time• due to the fact that• inasmuch as• in which• in order to
Reduce to when
Reduce to when
Reduce to because
Reduce to because
Reduce to where
Reduce to to
Reduce compound Reduce compound prepositionsprepositions
Keep it simpleKeep it simple
collect together contributing
factor past history basic
fundamentals
personal opinion perfectly clear few in number unexpected
surprise
Eliminate Redundancies: Say it once!
Keep it simpleKeep it simpleUse friendly wordsUse friendly words
Stately words• Accomplish • Additional • Approximately • Characteristic • Constructed • Frequently • Individuals • Initial • Requirement • Reiterate
Friendly words• Achieve• Added• About• Trait• Built• Often• Persons• First• Need• Repeat
Keep it simpleKeep it simple
Purge empty words
• As for the area of athletic shoes, the degree of profits sagged.
• This is to inform you that we have a toll-free service line.
• Not all students who are registered will attend.
Keep it simpleKeep it simple
Purge empty words.
• As for the area of athletic shoes’, the degree of profits sagged.
• This is to inform you that we have a toll-free service line.
• Not all students who are [registered] will attend.
Keep it simpleKeep it simple
Remove prepositional phrases
• Wordy: Most companies are unaware of the fact that college interns cannot displace regular employees
• Improved: Most companies are unaware that college interns cannot displace regular employees.
Revising PracticeRevising Practice
• A request that we are making to managers is that they not spend all their time in their departments and instead visit other departments one hour a month.
• We in management are of the opinion that employees have not been made sufficiently aware of the problem of computer security.
Keep it simple:Keep it simple:Kick the noun habitKick the noun habit
• Wordy: We must conduct an investigation of all parking violations before we can give consideration to your fine.
• Improved: We must investigate all parking violations before we can consider your fine.
Kick the noun habitKick the noun habit
1. Make a suggestion to
2. Provide an explanation of
3. With the exception of
4. Bring to a conclusion
1. Suggest
2. Explain
3. Except
4. Conclude (or end)
Replace these wordy phrases with one word
Revising PracticeRevising Practice
• It has been established that the incontestable key to the future success of QuadCam is a deep and firm commitment to quality.
• It is our suggestion that you do not attempt to move forward until you seek and obtain approval of the plan from the team leader prior to beginning this project
Keep it direct:Keep it direct:Avoid Passive VoiceAvoid Passive Voice
Agent as object
Passive: A policy of whitewashing and cover-up has been pursued by the CEO and several key Board members
Active: The CEO and several key Board members pursued a policy of whitewashing and cover-up.
Source: OWL at Purdue University
Keep it direct:Keep it direct:Avoid Passive VoiceAvoid Passive Voice
Agent omitted
Passive: Mistakes were made.
Active: We made mistakes.
Passive: Results will be published in the next issue of the journal.
Active: The researchers will publish the results in the next issue of the journal.
Source: OWL at Purdue University
Keep it direct:Keep it direct:Avoid shifting voiceAvoid shifting voice
Shifted: He tried to act cool when he slipped in the puddle, but he was still laughed at by the other students
Revised: He tried to act cool when he slipped in the puddle, but the other students still laughed at him.
Source: OWL at Purdue University
Keep it directKeep it direct
Avoid:
• perfect tense
• “to be” verbs
• 3rd person
Wordy: One would have had to inquire as to the worthiness of the project.
Improved: The analysts needed to ask about the project’s value.
Keep it direct:Keep it direct: Avoid “to be” verbs Avoid “to be” verbs
• Am• Is• Are• Be
• Being
• Been
• Was
• Were Can make your sentences wordy,
weak, choppy, or in passive tense
Eliminate all “to be” verbs not absolutely necessary for clarity/flow
Source: Sam Houston Writing Center, 2004
How to eliminate “to be” How to eliminate “to be” verbsverbs
1. Use verb without “to be” verb helper• Lucia is smiling at the baby• Lucia smiles at the baby
2. Modify phrase to add description, eliminate choppiness
• Steve is ill, so he is not going to work• Steve is ill and cannot go to work• Frances is a good cook. She will be able
to go to culinary school.• Frances is a good cook and will attend
culinary school.
Source: Sam Houston Writing Center 2004
Keep it clear:Keep it clear:Avoid dangling modifiersAvoid dangling modifiers
(often caused by passive voice)(often caused by passive voice)
Dangling: To win the lottery, a ticket must be purchased. (passive voice, missing agent)
Revised: To win the lottery, you must purchase a ticket.
Keep it clear:Keep it clear:Avoid dangling modifiersAvoid dangling modifiers
(often caused by passive voice)(often caused by passive voice)
Dangling: Seeking to lay off workers without taking the blame, consultants were hired to break the bad news. (Who was laying off workers? The consultants?)
Revised: Seeking to lay off workers without taking the blame, the CEO hired consultants to break the bad news.
Source: OWL at Purdue University
Keep it clear:Keep it clear:Avoid misplaced modifiersAvoid misplaced modifiers Misplaced modifier: The busy personnel
director interviewed only candidates who had excellent computer skills in the morning. (Were the candidates skilled only in the mornings?)
Revised: In the morning, the busy personnel director only interviewed candidates with excellent computer skills
Keep it clear and Keep it clear and rhythmicrhythmic
• Not parallel: We can collect information, store it, and later it can be updated.
• Parallel: We can collect, store, and update information.
Revising PracticeRevising Practice• Ms. Thomas tries to read all e-mail
messages daily, but responses may not be made until the following day.
• Last year Mr. Alvarro wrote letters and was giving presentations to promote his business.
• For this position we assess oral and written communication skills, how well individuals solve problems, whether they can work with teams, and we’re also interested in interpersonal skills, such as cultural awareness and sensitivity
One last time with One last time with clarity, conciseness, clarity, conciseness,
and vigorand vigor1. Due to the fact that e-mail is a valuable tool in business, we in management are pleased to make e-mail available to all employees who are authorized to use it.
2. Those who function as suppliers may not have a full understanding of the problem.
3. For each and every single customer who complains, there are 10 to 15 other ones out there who are not bothering to speak up about their dissatisfaction or unhappiness.
ProofreadingProofreading
ProofreadingProofreadingDo not rely on Word spell checker!
Eye have a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Watch for • Posses when you mean possesses• Their when you mean there• It’s when you mean its
How to Proofread How to Proofread Complex DocumentsComplex Documents
• Set it aside for a breather
• Read the message at least twice, read aloud
• Read sentences out of context (start at end)
• Use a peer editor to identify (not fix!) errors
• Congratulate, don’t criticize, yourself when you find errors: Think of the points you save with each error you find!
EvaluatingEvaluating
Evaluating the Evaluating the OutcomeOutcome• Does your message reflect
your audience analysis?
• Does the message set an effective tone?
• Will it achieve its purpose?
• Did you encourage feedback?
EndEnd