Revising Business Messages

37
Revising Business Revising Business Messages Messages Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e

description

 

Transcript of Revising Business Messages

Page 1: Revising Business Messages

Revising Business Revising Business MessagesMessages

Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e

Page 2: Revising Business Messages

Phase 3: RevisingPhase 3: Revising1. Revise: Revise for 7 Cs (clear,

conversational, courteous, coherent, concise, complete, correct), directness, vigor, tone, and “scanability”

2. Proofread: Proofread to verify spelling, grammar, punctuation, and format. Check for overall appearance

3. Evaluate: Ask yourself whether the final product will achieve its purpose, set up feedback mechanism

Page 3: Revising Business Messages

Know when to revise…Know when to revise…

…and when to start over!

Page 4: Revising Business Messages

RevisingRevising

Page 5: Revising Business Messages

Discussion: Discussion: Communication MattersCommunication MattersGolden Rules of Writing Well• Notice the name of the journal where

this article was published – why do people in this field need to write clearly and with “strong verbs”?

• What are some examples of “verbing” (turning a noun into a verb) that you use? Are these appropriate for business writing?

Page 6: Revising Business Messages

Revising techniquesRevising techniques

• Keep it simple and conversational

• Keep it direct, clear, and vigorous

• Avoid awkward phrasing – have a rhythm

• Avoid pompous, “instant prose”

• Avoid passive voice

• Avoid perfect tense, “to be” verbs, 3rd person

• Avoid “nouning”

• Develop parallelism

• Apply graphic highlighting

Page 7: Revising Business Messages

Keep it simple.Keep it simple.

Avoid indirect, pompous “instant prose”

Poor: It would not be inadvisable for you to affix your signature at this point in time.

Improved: You may sign now.

Poor: Frequently a chapter’s title in a book reveals to the reader the main point that the author desires to bring out during the course of the chapter.

Improved: A chapter’s title often reveals its main point.

Source: George Mason University Writing Center

Page 8: Revising Business Messages

Keep it simpleKeep it simple

1. Succeed in making

2. Were found to be in agreement

3. At this point in time

4. Made the statement that

1. Succeed

2. Agreed

3. Now

4. Stated

Replace these wordy phrases with one word:

Page 9: Revising Business Messages

Keep it simpleKeep it simple

Eliminate stale, puffed-up expressions as per your

suggestion pursuant to your request enclosed please find please feel free to call thank you in advance

as you suggestedas you requested

enclosed isplease callthank you

Page 10: Revising Business Messages

Keep it simpleKeep it simple

• at such time• at which time• due to the fact that• inasmuch as• in which• in order to

Reduce to when

Reduce to when

Reduce to because

Reduce to because

Reduce to where

Reduce to to

Reduce compound Reduce compound prepositionsprepositions

Page 11: Revising Business Messages

Keep it simpleKeep it simple

collect together contributing

factor past history basic

fundamentals

personal opinion perfectly clear few in number unexpected

surprise

Eliminate Redundancies: Say it once!

Page 12: Revising Business Messages

Keep it simpleKeep it simpleUse friendly wordsUse friendly words

Stately words• Accomplish • Additional • Approximately • Characteristic • Constructed • Frequently • Individuals • Initial • Requirement • Reiterate

Friendly words• Achieve• Added• About• Trait• Built• Often• Persons• First• Need• Repeat

Page 13: Revising Business Messages

Keep it simpleKeep it simple

Purge empty words

• As for the area of athletic shoes, the degree of profits sagged.

• This is to inform you that we have a toll-free service line.

• Not all students who are registered will attend.

Page 14: Revising Business Messages

Keep it simpleKeep it simple

Purge empty words.

• As for the area of athletic shoes’, the degree of profits sagged.

• This is to inform you that we have a toll-free service line.

• Not all students who are [registered] will attend.

Page 15: Revising Business Messages

Keep it simpleKeep it simple

Remove prepositional phrases

• Wordy: Most companies are unaware of the fact that college interns cannot displace regular employees

• Improved: Most companies are unaware that college interns cannot displace regular employees.

Page 16: Revising Business Messages

Revising PracticeRevising Practice

• A request that we are making to managers is that they not spend all their time in their departments and instead visit other departments one hour a month.

• We in management are of the opinion that employees have not been made sufficiently aware of the problem of computer security.

Page 17: Revising Business Messages

Keep it simple:Keep it simple:Kick the noun habitKick the noun habit

• Wordy: We must conduct an investigation of all parking violations before we can give consideration to your fine.

• Improved: We must investigate all parking violations before we can consider your fine.

Page 18: Revising Business Messages

Kick the noun habitKick the noun habit

1. Make a suggestion to

2. Provide an explanation of

3. With the exception of

4. Bring to a conclusion

1. Suggest

2. Explain

3. Except

4. Conclude (or end)

Replace these wordy phrases with one word

Page 19: Revising Business Messages

Revising PracticeRevising Practice

• It has been established that the incontestable key to the future success of QuadCam is a deep and firm commitment to quality.

• It is our suggestion that you do not attempt to move forward until you seek and obtain approval of the plan from the team leader prior to beginning this project

Page 20: Revising Business Messages

Keep it direct:Keep it direct:Avoid Passive VoiceAvoid Passive Voice

Agent as object

Passive: A policy of whitewashing and cover-up has been pursued by the CEO and several key Board members

Active: The CEO and several key Board members pursued a policy of whitewashing and cover-up.

Source: OWL at Purdue University

Page 21: Revising Business Messages

Keep it direct:Keep it direct:Avoid Passive VoiceAvoid Passive Voice

Agent omitted

Passive: Mistakes were made.

Active: We made mistakes.

Passive: Results will be published in the next issue of the journal.

Active: The researchers will publish the results in the next issue of the journal.

Source: OWL at Purdue University

Page 22: Revising Business Messages

Keep it direct:Keep it direct:Avoid shifting voiceAvoid shifting voice

Shifted: He tried to act cool when he slipped in the puddle, but he was still laughed at by the other students

Revised: He tried to act cool when he slipped in the puddle, but the other students still laughed at him.

Source: OWL at Purdue University

Page 23: Revising Business Messages

Keep it directKeep it direct

Avoid:

• perfect tense

• “to be” verbs

• 3rd person

Wordy: One would have had to inquire as to the worthiness of the project.

Improved: The analysts needed to ask about the project’s value.

Page 24: Revising Business Messages

Keep it direct:Keep it direct: Avoid “to be” verbs Avoid “to be” verbs

• Am• Is• Are• Be

• Being

• Been

• Was

• Were Can make your sentences wordy,

weak, choppy, or in passive tense

Eliminate all “to be” verbs not absolutely necessary for clarity/flow

Source: Sam Houston Writing Center, 2004

Page 25: Revising Business Messages

How to eliminate “to be” How to eliminate “to be” verbsverbs

1. Use verb without “to be” verb helper• Lucia is smiling at the baby• Lucia smiles at the baby

2. Modify phrase to add description, eliminate choppiness

• Steve is ill, so he is not going to work• Steve is ill and cannot go to work• Frances is a good cook. She will be able

to go to culinary school.• Frances is a good cook and will attend

culinary school.

Source: Sam Houston Writing Center 2004

Page 26: Revising Business Messages

Keep it clear:Keep it clear:Avoid dangling modifiersAvoid dangling modifiers

(often caused by passive voice)(often caused by passive voice)

Dangling: To win the lottery, a ticket must be purchased. (passive voice, missing agent)

Revised: To win the lottery, you must purchase a ticket.

Page 27: Revising Business Messages

Keep it clear:Keep it clear:Avoid dangling modifiersAvoid dangling modifiers

(often caused by passive voice)(often caused by passive voice)

Dangling: Seeking to lay off workers without taking the blame, consultants were hired to break the bad news. (Who was laying off workers? The consultants?)

Revised: Seeking to lay off workers without taking the blame, the CEO hired consultants to break the bad news.

Source: OWL at Purdue University

Page 28: Revising Business Messages

Keep it clear:Keep it clear:Avoid misplaced modifiersAvoid misplaced modifiers Misplaced modifier: The busy personnel

director interviewed only candidates who had excellent computer skills in the morning. (Were the candidates skilled only in the mornings?)

Revised: In the morning, the busy personnel director only interviewed candidates with excellent computer skills

Page 29: Revising Business Messages

Keep it clear and Keep it clear and rhythmicrhythmic

• Not parallel: We can collect information, store it, and later it can be updated.

• Parallel: We can collect, store, and update information.

Page 30: Revising Business Messages

Revising PracticeRevising Practice• Ms. Thomas tries to read all e-mail

messages daily, but responses may not be made until the following day.

• Last year Mr. Alvarro wrote letters and was giving presentations to promote his business.

• For this position we assess oral and written communication skills, how well individuals solve problems, whether they can work with teams, and we’re also interested in interpersonal skills, such as cultural awareness and sensitivity

Page 31: Revising Business Messages

One last time with One last time with clarity, conciseness, clarity, conciseness,

and vigorand vigor1. Due to the fact that e-mail is a valuable tool in business, we in management are pleased to make e-mail available to all employees who are authorized to use it.

2. Those who function as suppliers may not have a full understanding of the problem.

3. For each and every single customer who complains, there are 10 to 15 other ones out there who are not bothering to speak up about their dissatisfaction or unhappiness.

Page 32: Revising Business Messages

ProofreadingProofreading

Page 33: Revising Business Messages

ProofreadingProofreadingDo not rely on Word spell checker!

Eye have a spelling chequer,

it came with my pea sea.

It plainly marques four my revue

miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Watch for • Posses when you mean possesses• Their when you mean there• It’s when you mean its

Page 34: Revising Business Messages

How to Proofread How to Proofread Complex DocumentsComplex Documents

• Set it aside for a breather

• Read the message at least twice, read aloud

• Read sentences out of context (start at end)

• Use a peer editor to identify (not fix!) errors

• Congratulate, don’t criticize, yourself when you find errors: Think of the points you save with each error you find!

Page 35: Revising Business Messages

EvaluatingEvaluating

Page 36: Revising Business Messages

Evaluating the Evaluating the OutcomeOutcome• Does your message reflect

your audience analysis?

• Does the message set an effective tone?

• Will it achieve its purpose?

• Did you encourage feedback?

Page 37: Revising Business Messages

EndEnd