Resources for People Working Through Grief My Grief ... · adolescents: How to foster resilience...

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Resources for People Working Through Grief 1 My Grief http://www.mygrief.ca/ Free and confidential access to Canadian-based grief information developed by professionals. Website users log in with a name and password to access 9 grief-themed sections with videos and text. Canadian Virtual Hospice http://www.virtualhospice.ca A collection of Canadian-based, professionally-curated resources. Canadian Virtual Hospice includes a letter-and-response style ‘Ask a Professional’ feature and moderated Discussion Forums, with the creation of a confidential user account. Refuge in Grief https://www.refugeingrief.com/ A plain language blog: “It’s OK to not be OK. If your life has exploded into a million little bits, you don’t need platitudes. You don’t need cheerleading. You don’t need to be told this all happened for a reason. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” What’s Your Grief https://whatsyourgrief.com/ A plain language collection of blog posts on grief-related themes. Developed by two mental health professionals in Baltimore, Maryland with 20+ years of experience in grief and bereavement, the website seeks to offer: Education that reaches beyond generalization Practical and specific suggestions for moving forward Modes of self-exploration and self-expression that suit all types of thinkers and doers Ways to honor and remember deceased loved ones. A supportive community

Transcript of Resources for People Working Through Grief My Grief ... · adolescents: How to foster resilience...

Page 1: Resources for People Working Through Grief My Grief ... · adolescents: How to foster resilience through attachment, self-regulation, and competency. Grounded in theory and research

Resources for People Working Through Grief

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My Grief http://www.mygrief.ca/ Free and confidential access to Canadian-based grief information developed by professionals. Website users log in with a name and password to access 9 grief-themed sections with videos and text. Canadian Virtual Hospice http://www.virtualhospice.ca A collection of Canadian-based, professionally-curated resources. Canadian Virtual Hospice includes a letter-and-response style ‘Ask a Professional’ feature and moderated Discussion Forums, with the creation of a confidential user account. Refuge in Grief https://www.refugeingrief.com/ A plain language blog: “It’s OK to not be OK. If your life has exploded into a million little bits, you don’t need platitudes. You don’t need cheerleading. You don’t need to be told this all happened for a reason. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” What’s Your Grief https://whatsyourgrief.com/ A plain language collection of blog posts on grief-related themes. Developed by two mental health professionals in Baltimore, Maryland with 20+ years of experience in grief and bereavement, the website seeks to offer:

○ Education that reaches beyond generalization ○ Practical and specific suggestions for moving forward ○ Modes of self-exploration and self-expression that suit all types of thinkers and

doers ○ Ways to honor and remember deceased loved ones. ○ A supportive community

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Resources for People Working Through Grief

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When You Die https://whenyoudie.org/ From the website: “The When You Die Project: Hosting the conversation you've been avoiding. From existential afterlife questions to palliative care and the nuts-and-bolts of green burial, if it has to do with death, we’re talking about it. We believe death awareness brings a happier end to a fuller life.” The website features an annual documentary, videos, podcasts, and articles. Modern Loss https://modernloss.com/ A plain language blog featuring various lived experiences with grief. Grief Healing Blog https://www.griefhealingblog.com/ A compilation of current newspaper columns, articles, and resources related to grief. Open to Hope https://www.opentohope.com/ This website features shared experiences from other grievers. Information is available through video, podcast, and articles.

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Book Recommendations

Allen, J. (2015). Bone knowing: A true story of coming to life in the face of impending loss. “This story was born out of a decision to follow bone knowing when it arose. It began in 1989, when I listened to the ‘yes’ vibrating through my bones and began a life with Tom. It continued in 2004, seven years after his death, when a vision quest made it loud and clear that I was to write a book; and again when a synchronistic meeting with an old acquaintance affirmed what story I’d tell.” Benson, R. (2017). My chaos: Searching for my new normal. “Loss, grief and life transitions. You have coped well before, but not now. Searching led you to this resource. Your experiences are unique, without exception. Therefore, your response to who you are now must also be unique." Blaustein, M. & Kinniburgh, K. (2010). Treating traumatic stress in children and adolescents: How to foster resilience through attachment, self-regulation, and competency. “Grounded in theory and research on complex childhood trauma, this book provides an accessible, flexible, and comprehensive framework for intervention with children and adolescents and their caregivers. It is packed with practical clinical tools that are applicable in a range of settings, from outpatient treatment centers to residential programs.” Booker, Sheri. (2014). Nine years under: Coming of age in an inner-city funeral home. “Sheri Booker was only fifteen when she started working at Wylie Funeral Home in West Baltimore. She had no idea her summer job would become nine years of immersion into a hidden world. Reeling from the death of her beloved great aunt, Sheri found comfort in the funeral home and soon had the run of the place. With AIDS and gang violence threatening to wipe out a generation of black men, Wylie was never short on business.” Collins, J. (1998). Singing lessons: A memoir of love, loss, hope and healing. “For the millions who know Judy Collins' unforgettable music, this remarkable memoir will come as no surprise. A moving account of growth and healing, memory and rebirth, dreams and meditations, this is Judy's heart statement, imbued with the introspection we love in her songs.” Devine, M. (2017). It’s OK that you’re not okay: Meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn’t understand. “When a painful loss or life-shattering event upends your world, here is the first thing to know: there is nothing wrong with grief. ‘Grief is simply love in its most wild and painful form,” says Megan Devine. “It is a natural and sane response to loss.” Finn, C.C. (2011). Please hear what I’m not saying: A poem’s reach around the world. “Please Hear... is the amazing story of a poem's impact not only across this country, but around the world since it was written in 1966. It is all about how hearts grow wings!” James, J. W. & Friedman, R. (1998). The grief recovery handbook.

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Book Recommendations

“Incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect on your capacity for happiness. Drawing from their own histories, as well as from others, the authors illustrate what grief is and how it is possible to recover and regain energy and spontaneity.” Jenkinson, S. (2018). Come of age: The case for elderhood in a time of trouble. “Come of Age does not offer tips on how to be a better senior citizen or how to be kinder to our elders. Rather, with lyrical prose and incisive insight, Stephen Jenkinson explores the great paradox of elderhood in North America: how we are awash in the aged and yet somehow lacking in wisdom; how we relegate senior citizens to the corner of the house while simultaneously heralding them as sage elders simply by virtue of their age.” Jenkinson, S. (2015). Die wise: A manifesto for sanity and soul. “Dying well, Jenkinson writes, is a right and responsibility of everyone. It is a moral, political, and spiritual obligation each person owes their ancestors and their heirs. It is not a lifestyle option. It is a birthright and a debt. Die Wise dreams such a dream, and plots such an uprising. How we die, how we care for dying people, and how we carry our dead: this work makes our village life, or breaks it.” Kalanithi, P. (2016). When breath becomes air. “At the age of thirty-six, on the verge of completing a decade’s worth of training as a neurosurgeon, Paul Kalanithi was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. One day he was a doctor treating the dying, and the next he was a patient struggling to live. And just like that, the future he and his wife had imagined evaporated.” Kennedy, A. (2014). Honouring grief: Creating a space to let yourself heal. “If you know someone who has suffered loss and is experiencing grief, simply sending a card or flowers may seem insufficient. Many people are unsure how to comfort a friend or loved-one in times of loss. This special book is filled with inspirational wisdom, practical self-help for healing, and makes a meaningful and comforting gift.” Kennedy, A. (1991). Losing a parent: Passage to a new way of living. “Kennedy shares her own story of facing the loss of a parent and offers innovative strategies for healing and transformation.” Martin, S. (2016). A good death: Making the most of our final choices. “In taking on our ultimate human right, award-winning journalist Sandra Martin charts the history of the right to die movement here and abroad through the personal stories of brave campaigners like Sue Rodriguez, Brittany Maynard and Gloria Taylor. Martin weighs the evidence from permissive jurisdictions such as the Netherlands, Oregon, California, Switzerland and Quebec and portrays her own intellectual and emotional journey through the tangled legal, medical, religious and political documentation concerning terminal sedation, slippery slopes, and the sanctity of life.”

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Book Recommendations

Northcott, H. & Wilson, D. (2016). Dying and death in Canada. “Dying and Death in Canada offers a comprehensive, up-to-date examination of dying, death, and bereavement from a Canadian perspective.” O’Toole, D. (1993). Healing and growing through grief. “This booklet is a rainbow of hope for people grieving all kinds of losses. Its large print and colorful, brief, format welcomes the reader in. Readers will learn to recognize a variety of loss experiences, that grief is a unique and natural healing process, some common experiences grieving persons often have, how to help yourself and others in times of grief, and how, when and where to find help and support.” Pederson, S. (2017). How many times can you say goodbye? “...a collection of poems I wrote about my best friend, Beverly, as she was dying. When her cancer diagnosis turned her life upside down, I was determined we could get through this together.” Perks, B. (2009). I wish you enough: Embracing life’s most valuable moments one wish at a time. “I Wish You Enough encompasses 8 values needed for true contentment and happiness, and transforms them into 8 wishes—or sentiments—for the reader. Through short, inspirational stories about everyday people, author Bob Perks reopens our eyes and hearts to the abundance all around that we so often take for granted.” Razzmin, C. (2013). Second firsts: Live, laugh, and love again. “After studying to become a therapist and crisis intervention counselor-even doing her master's thesis on the stages of bereavement-Christina Rasmussen thought she understood grief. But it wasn't until losing her husband to cancer in her early 30s that she truly grasped the depths of sorrow and pain that accompany loss.” Sacks, O. (2015). Gratitude. “In January 2015, Oliver Sacks was diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer, and he shared this news in a New York Times essay that inspired readers all over the world: ‘I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude.... Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure." Samuel, J. (2018). Grief works: Stories of life, death and surviving. “Death affects us all. Yet it is still the last taboo in our society, and grief is still profoundly misunderstood...In Grief Works, we hear stories from those who have experienced great love and great loss - and survived. Stories that explain how grief unmasks our greatest fears and strips away our layers of protection and reveals our innermost selves.”

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Emotionally Intelligent Grief Supportwww.refugeingrief.com

The core parts of you, the ways you find solace and connection - these have not completely changed, though they may feel irrelevant. Grief pares things down.

YOU MAY JUST NEED TO EXPERIMENT A BIT.

Adding to this list, or creating a whole new one of your own might just provide a road map inside this wholly disorienting time.

1 STAY SAFEStay safe. Do it for yourself if you can. Do it for others if you must. If you are driving while crying too hard to see straight, pull over. If you are about to get in the car, help yourself calm down. Distraught driving is dangerous.

2 TEND SOMETHINGWater the plants.Brush the animals.Send a care package.

Thinking of others, or giving love, or getting out of yourself for a while can help.

3 GET OUTSIDEBeing outside in a non-human world is a relief. The trees will not ask - “How are you really?” The wind does not care if you cry. There’s a lot to be said for being in places that don’t need anything from you.

4 DRINK WATERCrying for months on end is really dehydrating. Please drink water.

Your body needs it.

5 SHOWERReally.

You will feel just the tiniest bit better clean. The same goes for sweeping the floor or any other seemingly tedious or irrelevant task of hygiene.

6 MOVEMoving your body is likely to bring a little measure of calm. Do yoga, go for a hike, or walk the dog. Even to the end of the block is a good start.

It won’t solve anything but movement is good.

7 SAY NO - SAY YESYou can’t afford any big drains on your energy, and you can’t afford to miss too many ways to replenish it. Say no to people, places, and events that are too much for you. Say an occasional yes to things that bring even a tiny bit of goodness.

8 EATSome people eat under stress. Some lose all interest in food. Some experience serious, lasting physical challenges due to their “grief diet.” Small doses of healthy, nutrient dense food might be more easily tolerated by your mind and body than full meals.

The first weeks and months after someone you love dies are a world unto their own. Your usual survival tactics won’t work. Words of intended comfort just grate.

Encouragement from others doesn’t feel good.

POSITIVE THINKING AND PLATITUDES CAN’T HELP. THEY JUST CAN’T.

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While there is no one perfect way to respond or to support someone you care about, here are some good ground rules.

HOW TO HELP A GRIEVING FRIEND

ABOVE ALL, SHOW YOUR LOVE.Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Your steadiness of presence is the absolute best thing you can give.

Emotionally Intelligent Grief Supportwww.refugeingrief.com

DON’T DODON’T COMPARE GRIEFSNo one else has experienced their grief.

ASK QUESTIONSYou can connect by showing curiosity about their experience.

DON’T FACT CHECK OR CORRECTEspecially in early grief, facts and timelines can be confused.

RESPECT THEIR EXPERIENCEIt’s not important who’s “more” correct.

DON’T MINIMIZEEven if you might think their grief is out of proportion to the situation.

REMEMBER THIS GRIEF IS THEIRSGrief belongs to the griever. Your opinions are irrelevant.

DON’T GIVE COMPLIMENTSWhen someone is in pain, they don’t need to be reminded how wonderful they are.

TRUST YOUR FRIENDAll the things you love about the person will help them through this experience.

DON’T BE A CHEERLEADER.When things are dark, it’s OK to be dark.

MIRROR THEIR REALITYWhen they say, “This sucks,” say, “Yes, it does.”

STAY IN THE PRESENT MOMENTOr if the person is talking about the past, join them there.

DON’T TALK ABOUT “LATER”Right now, in this present moment, that future is irrelevant.

DON’T EVANGELIZEWhen something has worked for you, it’s tempting to prescribe it for others.

TRUST THEIR SELF-CAREThey know themselves best. What works for you may not be for them.

DON’T START WITH SOLUTIONSIn most cases, people need to feel heard, not be “fixed.”

GET CONSENTBefore you offer advice or strategies.

SHOW UP. LISTEN. DON’T FIX.

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